#i really am tryinh .u

[wayifwepeeformbuts]

🛁🛏🛁

[breathingyourlastbreath]

Its like i try so hard not to be this loud person with loud and clear and outward emotions bc he doesnt like that and think its painful to listen to so I box myself in and internalize it but he doesnt like that either. Its like I can never be enough for him. Im either too quiet or too loud. Im breaking myself apart tryinh to be what he likes and be respectful but I cant help who I am fundamentally. At my core. Im a loud girl with loud feelings and I cant change that no matter how hard I try. Its either loud or shut down. And he likes neither. I cant make him care about me more, be more affectionate, love me more, touch me more, kiss me more, just more. I cant and he wont. There must be smtn faulty about me bc I try so hard to adjust and fix whatever he finds faulty in me and what I do but its never enough. Im never enough. I just cant. I love him but he is breaking me. And i have no one to talk about it to. Im alone and he is all I have. Idk if im staying bc i love him or bc i have nowhere else to go. I keep finding more reasons to leave than to stay but idk anymore. I just wish I had someone who knew me and could tell me what to do but there is no one. Its just me and him. And i dont know.

He complains about having to clean, i do it. He complains about me not eating, i do it, he complains about me leaving wrappers out, i fix it. Says nothing until I do smtn wrong. I have an ed, he is the victim and takes it hardest instead of supporting me. I have a panic attack, he is the victim and has a hard time supporting me. When I tell him that I dont feel supported and only need backrubs and supportive words its too much and all about him. It wasnt like this before, but i mustve broken smtn in him along the way when I was healing. I cant talk to him about it bc all he says is i dont know. He doesnt know anything. And i just feel numb. It must be me who's faulty and keep breaking him. It must be me who's selfish and destructive. Bc any feeling i show is wrong and every word i say doesnt matter bc he doesnt know. I dont know anything anymore but that i dont feel like he is the person i fell in love with three years ago. And its my own fault.

I cant tell if im vicitimblaming myself when i try constantly so hard to be better and stop what he wants me to stop doing, he wants my emotions in a box? Here u go. U want me to yeet them out a window? Done. Im not cleaning enough? Boom im cleaning. I do what he wants me to do yet its not enough. Its never enough. He says he wants me to feel what i feel and show it instead of boxing it in? He gets overwhelmed and is a victim. He hurt me physically by pinning me down, dragging me, holding me, just reacting violently when I wouldnt calm down. But it only hurt me bc my body sensitive and reacts very strongly to pain, more so than others so idk if it was really my fault. Im scared of having panic attacks bc of how he used to react and still sometimes reacts. He scares me when he is overwhelmed bc also only he can be right, only his feelings are the ones to care about and makes me look awful for having a panic attack that upset his emotions when he does stuff that triggers me. But i genuenly dont think he will ever realize this. Or maybe its me victimizing myself, i just dont know. Is it victimizing if i try my damned hardest to change and be respectful of him even when im at my worst? I googled on it and i dont think so but would i know? I dont know