#i rmb how clearly i would always imagine it in my head

[noxtivagus]

i dreamt of my old house 🥹🫶🏼

[acciosiruis-blog]

Trimberly one shot

Biology was almost over. And by almost, Trini meant, half an hour down, one more to go.

Even so, she was as nervous as never. She fiddled with her pen and actually focused on the teacher for once, trying to absorb as much information as possible. That was, of course, so she could keep her eyes off Kimberly Ann Hart.  

Kimberly Ann Hart. Her only girlfriend. As in a friend that was a girl. Her best friend. The best Trini could’ve ever asked for.

Trini clearly remembers the day she met her. Actually met her. Standing there, in her profound glory, with her short hair bobbing up and down, and smiled at her as if she was everything.

Trini has no choice but to stare for just a little longer.

___________________________________________________________________

Anna was the first girl Trini had ever loved. She was only 14. Trini could only tell her that if her parents found out how she looked at her, she’d be homeless. She had then cried for 2 days straight, and Trini starts playing back to those small moments. That the library would smell like their books, the way Anna would give her a special smile every time they looked at each other. A smile reserved just for her.

It had only been 2 months, and Trini’s heart had been broken into the smallest fragments possible.

Experiment. She hates that word.

If there’s one thing that Trini hates about being gay, it’s when people date her. In order to ‘experiment’ and to ‘try it out’. Because Trini despises being used, as a subject. When she pours her heart into loving this girl, and she ends up saying ‘I’m so sorry, I’m just not into girls…anymore.”

Trini knows that that’s bullshit. So she makes a vow on her seventeenth birthday, declaring to never fall for a straight girl ever.

___________________________________________________________________

That vow was broken in less than a week after she moved to Angel Grove.

It was after her small party hosted on the highest spot of Angel Grove with the gang. A beautiful sight. But really, nothing could ever be as beautiful as Kim.

The two of them were on Kim’s bed. Just there. Just existing. Together. Then out of nowhere, Kim started talking and snapped Trini out of her thoughts.

“To be honest, we’re literally floating on a tiny planet in fucking space, or universe, should I say. Why are we surrounded by hatred and misery? Why can’t everyone just calm the fuck down and lay on some grass. The sun is a GIANT BURNING ORB and why does money even exist? Fuck everything!”

Trini snorted and raised an eyebrow. “Since when did you speak my language princess?”

“I mean really! Gosh but like we spent hundreds of years looking up at the stars and wondering “is there anybody out there” and hoping and guessing and imagining all kinds of shit.”

Trini didn’t say anything. She loved it when Kim would ramble out her thoughts to her, out of nowhere. Only to her. Like she was exceptional.

That was when it happened. Kim just suddenly rested her head on Trini’s shoulder and grumbled.

“Why the hell are you so short, Trin?”

Trini felt herself stiffen up. Kimberly obviously felt it and sat up straight away.

“Is something wrong?”

Trini loosened up immediately. “No. No, not at all. Just think we should get going now. It’s kinda late.”

Kim shrugged and stood up making her way to the door.

___________________________________________________________________

It was like electricity when Kim had rested her head on Trini’s shoulder.

And it hits her like a truck. She realized that she’s falling. A great void opens up and she feels that she is falling, falling into deep, black space. There is no climbing back, no ray of light, no sound of human voice or a human touch of a hand. Because Kimberly had the type of eyes that could hold the sun, the moon, and the stars. Her eyes held galaxies, universes, time itself. But most of all, in her eyes, if anyone looked hard enough, they could find Trini’s heart.

___________________________________________________________________

Trini now lets Kimberly in. She loves the way Kimberly’s eyes spark when they're talking or when she's telling her something she wants her to know, the way she mouths the words herself when she's reading and concentrating, the way she looks at her as if there's only her, as if she can pass the flesh and bone and bullshit right into Trini that's there, the one she don't even see herself.

And so she tries.

___________________________________________________________________

Biology’s finally over.

Everyone shuffles out the doorway and the 2 automatically walk side by side towards their normal spot.

“What’s after class?”

“English,” Trini replied while tapping her foot.

“Mhm. Can you get me lunch today? I wanna listen to some music. Thanks.”

Trini didn’t even bother to hesitate. The longer the drag, the better. She was nervous as ever.

She came back with Kim’s favorite’s classic ham and cheese and saw Jason beside Kim chatting away.  

A flash of jealousy passed her face but disappeared in godlike speed.

She sat down on the other side of Kim, and as if on cue, Jason stood up to get to Billy. Conveniently, Zack just had to be hiding behind a pillar right in front of them.

Kimberly muttered thanks, and Trini decided now would be it.

“Hey...uh so we've known each other for a while now and we’re pretty close and uh I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date.” Trini rubbed the back of her neck with her right sweaty palm.

After a second of a felt like-late reply, Kimberly pulls out her earphones. “Did you say something?”

Goddamit.

Trini has no choice but to give a pained smile and say, “D-do you have a pencil I could borrow during English later? For uh doodling? You know how boring Mrs. Khader’s class can be right? Ahahaha…”

Kimberly gives out that smile and nods. “Sure.” Her mouth’s full of food, so it comes out like a “Shoore.”

Trini laughs and her boost of courage is gone, because Kim can make her melt just like that.

___________________________________________________________________

School’s over and she finds her phone exploding from Zack’s messages.

ZACK PAIN-IN-THE-ASS TAYLOR

*Media file*

ZACK PAIN-IN-THE-ASS TAYLOR

still keeping that pink pencil?

Trini almost has a heart attack. Zack had filmed the whole process of Trini’s failure to ask Kimberly out on a date.

Trini

Zack Taylor if u send that 2 any1 I will single handedly come up 2 ur house rn with no hesitation n grab for the nearest thing available 2 gouge ur eyeballs out n feed it 2 ur goldfish

ZACK PAIN-IN-THE-ASS TAYLOR

easy crazy girl just go ask again no biggie alright i’ve got a lotta blackmail material but tbh i nv use it so ur good to go

Trini

yea right

ZACK PAIN-IN-THE-ASS TAYLOR

no legit

___________________________________________________________________

And so she tries. Again.

She pulls Kimberly aside first thing in the morning.

“You alright?” The concern is immediately showing on Kimberly’s face.

Trini lets out a low laugh. “Yeah, I’ve just got something to ask you.”

Kimberly brightens up immediately. “Shoot.”

Trini takes in a deep breath and goes for it. “Uh...so we’re pretty close and uh I was wondering if you wanted to go on a date.”

Kimberly doesn’t reply.

Trini starts to panic because she doesn’t know who to tell anymore when she finds new music and she doesn’t know where she’s gonna express how much she loves it. She doesn’t know who’s gonna agree with her and who she’s gonna listen to it with while she falls asleep. She doesn’t know who’s going to hear about her day and her test grades and how long she napped and what she ate for dinner and what movie she watched and the interesting things she learned in class and how much she hates physics and when she didn’t read the assignment for English. She doesn’t know who she’s gonna tell how she went to get food instead of jogging laps in the gym and how productive she was studying that night. She doesn’t know who’s going to listen to her sing her favorite bands and then sing with her and take walks with her in the summer on the most beautiful days. She doesn’t know who’s going to do that all and care about it if Kimberly finds her disgusting and sickening. She doesn’t know.

Trini’s not one to ramble but she does. “I mean I can completely understand and I respect your decision if you don’t want to be with me in that kinda way because you might even have something going on with Jace I just --”

“Yes.”

Trini stood there and her head shot up and looked at Kimberly. Kimberly’s brown hazel eyes shone. She was being sincere.

But Kimberly didn’t stop there. She smiled and leaned against the lockers. “Trini, I would love to go on a full on gay date with my best friend. I’ve always wanted you to kiss me in the public, put your arm around me so people know I’m with you. I’ve always wanted you to pull me in because I’m just not quite close enough to you. I’ve always wanted you to make me watch that one tv show that’s your guilty pleasure. Tell me your biggest fear and I’ll promise to protect you. I’ve always wanted you to kiss me at red lights because if you don’t then I’ll kiss you. I’ve always wanted you to show me the one song you can never listen to without crying. Trini, don’t hide the tiny details about you. Because I’ll remember every one of them.”

“You’re so cute when you ramble.” Trini clamps her hands over her mouth. “Holy shit. I did not just -- ok.”

The bell rings. First period is about to begin.

“Text me.” Kimberly winks, leaving a dazed Trini behind.

Smooth.

Her phone lights up as soon as Kim disappears round the corner.

Kim <3

rmb to call me babe in front of our waiter

Kim <3

btw u can keep the pencil :)

[mockingbird-secrets]

words that i’ll never get to say to you.

i don’t normally write here bc as far as i am concerned, i’m sure nobody would read it. it’s the last day of march 2017 and honestly too much has happened. i rmb telling myself to allow 2017 be a better year but look where i am- back to square one. however i’m switching stuff up. i can’t deal with this any longer. i am basically suffocating myself. i am going to type all these things that i want to say to you here and begin april differently. yes, i’m going to attempt to give myself a chance. here goes.

dear you,

it has been about 3 months since you first texted me about your concerns. i remember my heart racing and heating up bc i was so confused as to why such a day would come despite me trying to be as transparent as possible. but i still failed. as a friend. i failed to do that.

dear you,

i recall around a week later that i received some shocking news and didn’t even know how to react. i wanted to check up on you but i was afraid. i’m not sure why, till now. however i did it, and you poured out to me yet again. i felt relieved, bc i was happy i could somehow be there for you again knowing how much that situation has affected you.

dear you,

i forgot to reply you once, and in this time frame, i met up with friend A to meet person1 to simply collect something. i even asked friend A along bc i knew and felt that it was kind of wrong for me if i didn’t, although it wasn’t. 

that was the day i initiated to both friend A and person1 to take up a certain class i’ve always wanted to take. always. anyone who knew me well enough knows that i like this a whole lot. person1 agreed and i rushed into looking up information bc someone finally didn’t mind going for it. the intention was simple- to learn what i’ve always liked.

dear you,

however, i never knew that by simply doing that, i was “choosing sides” and clearly “didn’t want the friendship”. you started saying many things. (to person1 at least) not that it matters to me, but what you said really, really, really hurt me. i’m going to be honest with you, (although you’ll never see this) i didn’t think this matter would affect me so much or affect me at all. i never imagined myself being this affected. but it dawned upon me that all these that i’m typing here right now, these are my true feelings that can never be translated to you bc you didn’t even give me a chance to explain myself, nor did you bother to even ask me about it. 

and the only reason? bc you meant more than i could ever imagine. i’ve known you since i was 9. i can almost recall every single thing we’ve been through. from being little clueless kids to teenagers stressing over final exams. despite everything that has happened, friends A, B, C, D, E and so on, has reminded me on how it clearly shows you didn’t even take me as a real friend, on how i should just let go bc such a friend isn’t worth all these drama, and how everything was basically a fake. they definitely made sense and i appreciate their advice, but what they don’t know is the memories we’ve had and the countless ups and downs we’ve been through. 8 years isn’t a short amount of time, in fact its almost half my life. its easy, to play along with your games. but when i really sit to think, it hurts like a fucking bitch. it does.

dear you,

do you know what hurt me the most out of all these? your words. your words itself has made me rethink my entire fucking existence and the reality of “friends”, or even as you’ve called it, “best friend”. the fact that after being friends for 8 years, you don’t know me well enough to know that i’d never do such a thing or even want to hurt you on purpose. the fact that you think of me as someone this way. the fact that you didn’t even fucking bother to text me personally to clear the goddamn fucking questions in your head. you’d rather believe what you’ve heard from others than to actually clarify it with me. you didn’t even give me a chance for something i didn’t even fucking do. it fucking hurts. it really does. no, it really hurts. are you aware? 

i’m not pushing the blame to you but, why didn’t you? why didn’t you bother at all? am i really not worthy at all? throughout our friendship i’ve always felt bad bc i never could really express how i felt towards you bc compared to you and the stories you shared, i never spoke much. compared to the posts you’d make, i never posted much. but i really did, appreciate, our friendship. i did. 

I FUCKING GET IT that people come and go but do you know why i bothered to type this goddamn post that you’d never read now? bc it matters to me. you mattered. 

when you compared me to a certain friend, my heart broke. when you judged me for what “i did” without even bothering to clarify it with me, my heart broke. when you.... when you said i chose person1 over you... i was speechless. i was numb. all the times where you said something and my friends would just laugh it off, i would too, but deep down i really broke down. and i never let any of it out till now. i don’t believe in burdening others with my nonsensical thoughts and bullshit feelings but, i have no idea how to survive with it anymore. like i said, it’s suffocating- to act like i’m perfectly fine when i’m fucking not.

dear you,

i’m genuinely at a loss. i have a 100% clear conscience but yet i feel bad. i’m such a fucking loser. and to you? maybe you’d think i’m being dramatic and i’m overreacting, but try having such a good friend for 8 years with priceless memories but to only lose it to a matter that is false. i treasure my friends, i am aware of those who are worth keeping, and you were one of them. 

but after all the words you lashed out about me, more hurting than i could ever imagine, i realised something. nothing is real, and nothing is fake. you go figure that one out yourself. as much as my heart wants to, its time for me to be stronger than that.

dear you,

i read a post once. it said something along the lines of “if it mattered to them, they would apologise not because they are begging for forgiveness, but because they treasure the relationship.” i honestly would apologise, even for something that i completely did not do wrong- because i treasure(d) the friendship. but seeing you even deleting me off your instagram posts? i realised how worthy i am to you- basically of 0 worth. (which fucking sucks btw)

the old me? yea like the 9/10/11/12 year old me? i would beg for your forgiveness. because i never had friends. i was ugly, i was stupid, teachers hated me, so did my peers. it was till the extend of other kids calling me names and not wanting to go for recess with me. but you were my friend, and so why do you think i was so grateful? bc i appreciated the fact that you didn’t judge me from my cover, and wasn’t ashamed to be my friend.

the old me? yea the 13/14/15/16 me? i would have texted you first and reasoned every single thing out with you regardless. even if it meant taking the risk of you hating on me because you are that angry. but i know we are friends so i would’ve just went ahead.

me? what about me right now? i’m not dumb yknow? i might not be academically inclined but i know about life. no, its not a brag, i’ve seen much, been through quite a few things, well maybe more than “few”, to be able to know such things. and yknow what? my friends are right. there’s no use holding on to something that the other party doesn’t even care about because it takes two hands to clap. clearly, and again, you proved that i mean almost nothing. 

dear you,

i’m afraid we’re reaching the end, of this post and of this situation. i am going to give myself a chance and let this go. no matter how hard it might be, i’ll try to let it go. but thanks for waking me up and allowing me to realise such things. thanks for these 8 years too.  if hating me, and channeling your anger on me can make you feel better about the whole situation then, i guess it’s the last thing i can do for you. and if i could tell you one last thing? i just really want you to know that i would never have chosen person1 over you. it wasn’t even the case to begin with but it seems like that’s how you thought. i never knew i was choosing a friendship to ditch and to start anew. but whatever. whatever it is, everything has happened. it’s too late. we’re all scarred. thank you for waking me up, and thak you for allowing me to realise who my true friends are.