#i say MAYBE use some input because i dont think i could handle an onslaught of it rn

[july-19th-club]

my gender thing si like. my gender thing is like. okay im thinking about this and its like.................i dont really/can’t really socially transition because i would have to move away from every one and every thing i know to do it successfully (not because some people wouldnt accept it because SOME would . not my family but some other people maybe) but because i can’t handle the stress and anxiety that would come with making a major life change that could be dangerous like that. im just not. i just couldn’t. it would be just meltdown after meltdown i couldn’t do it. so i can’t socially do it and i can’t medically either because a) can’t afford it b) don’t like gross body stuff & try to think about it as little as possible c) medical anything even normal medical stuff is such a hassle it ALSO gives me anxiety basically i am too anxious to ever transition because i would have a heart attack or something idk............................ii am . like what if i am literally just some guy i have been asking myself that question for the past YEAR or more and havent brought it up even on here which is pretty much the only location where it wouldn’t rock a boat ive spent years keeping steady. because if i’m not ready i dont want to. get anything started. and im NOT in a place in my life where i can be ready in any location but an online community where the stakes are very low. i do everything slowly. i always have i can’t go too fast or i shut down. but what if im not a woman EVER. what if ive never been one because i really never felt like one i just felt like it was this thing i just sort of DID. not WAS. and i don’t MIND being one really it’s just like playing a character and i’m pretty good at it it feels normal but it doesn’t feel. satisfying. i can’t even say it doesn’t feel NATURAL when ‘perceived womanhood’ has been my default state for twenty-six years but im even judging how im sitting on the couch right at this moment because if i want mascness so bad why don’t i always display it? in the solitary comfort of my own home can’t i just sit and lie and talk how i want and it means whatever i want it to mean? which is FINE. but it’s not because like. i gotta prove it to myself or nobody else will ever believe it you know? and even though it’s so low-stakes on here to just wop an extra name and pronouns into the ring it feels so big. and i know you can go back if you turn out to be wrong. i know that. but ive spent years feeling the most satisfaction and elation in my own experience of ‘gender’ whatever that is when i was pretending not to be a girl. or pretending not to be a woman. and i only say ‘pretending’ because they were always SPECIFIC people. because it’s easier to put on a button-up and some boots and think about like. charley parkhurst or somebody and . idk channel that than try to be Me But I’m Definitely A Man. didn’t feel real enough . so i don’t know maybe i’m not that far down the masc spectrum after all and i’m just really attached to some kind of playacting i don’t KNOW . i do know that i get very disappointed when someone i assume is a trans man turns out not to be one in a work of fiction, but that’s such a stupid litmus test. like that’s not how you figure out if you’re trans, right? this is very long god bless you if you read all of it idek what im saying i just.........................did want to say it though.