#ive just been thinking about this for a really long time and im not sure if im too in my head about it
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In Front of Me (Teaser)
⊹ pairing: jeon wonwoo x f.reader
⊹ genre: bestfriend to lovers, angst, smut (18+ mdni)
⊹ wordcount: TBA (this teaser: 679)
⊹ release date: TBA
⊹ summary: jeon wonwoo has spent most of his adolesence and early adult hood unable to understand why he can't seem to stay in a relationship for more than a few months. as his best friend, you allowed him to vent about his worries without judgment. so what if you're in love with him? your friendship with wonwoo meant more to you than having your feelings reciprocated. that is until you hit your breaking point, while wonwoo finally realizes what has been in front of him this whole time.
⊹ tags: non-idol!au, uni!au, bestfriends to lovers (?), unrequted love, emotionaly stunted charcters, wonwoo has a bit of an ego, toxic!wonwoo&reader. (more tags and smut tag added to full fic when posted.)
⊹ note: im really excited to share this with you all. its not by any means done but heres a teaser for now since ive been away for so long ♡ also the teaser is not edited so pls just ignore if theres typos hehe. lov u all pls come into my ask box cuz i refuse to shut up abt this story :p.
⊹ masterlist, taglist, fic playlist.
Rejection is foreign to Wonwoo.
Most times, it’s him that’s doing the rejecting. He was the one to always initiate the break up, to lose feelings first, every decision was made by him. He has no control over whether you’re going to text him back or not, and to put it simply, he can’t stand that feeling.
Wonwoo hates not being in control. Whether that be his future, his relationships, and especially his feelings. At least that’s what he forces himself to believe. That it’s not fair of you to ignore him when he’s worried about you, because he’s your best friend. You should answer him when he texts you. When he calls you, and especially when he shows up to your door, seeking your comfort. In his mind, that is what he believes the foundation of your friendship is. To comfort each other, just like it always has been.
Sure, maybe Wonwoo is entitled, perhaps he’s conceited and selfish, but he doesn’t care. Because in his mind, you’re his bestfriend. There was no way in hell that you were ignoring him. His ego doesn’t even consider it a possibility. You were busy, that’s it. That has to be it.
{໒꒰ྀིっ˕ -。꒱ྀི১ ‧₊˚ ⋅ ⋆˙}
Less than fourty-eight hours in, Wonwoo couldn’t stop himself from texting you once more. Nimble fingers practically itching to open your contact to update you about the most mundane things. Maybe if he pretended that this moment of silence is perfectly normal, then maybe, you would eventually end up answering him.
12:36 p.m
[wons <3]: class just finished. lunch at our usual place?
Nothing. Not even a thumb’s up reaction. Wonwoo had become antsy, guilt and slight annoyance gnawing at the pit of his stomach. Where the hell are you? What are you doing that’s so important that you couldn’t even open his message let alone read them?
1:27 p.m.
[wons <3]: this random girl asked for my number after class lol. weird right? i didn’t give it to her though 😁
Cursing at himself, he regrets pressing the send button on that text. Double texting you is already out of the norm for him, but triple texting? He can’t believe how desperate he looks right now. He wishes he could bring himself to unsend it, but he just hopes it’ll be the text that finally gets you to respond.
2:10 p.m.
[wons <3]: saw a bunny running thru the oval today u should’ve seen it! reminded me of u.
[1 photo attachment]
Absolute radio silence from your end. Wonwoo is starting to think that you had him blocked, but his messages are still delivering. Unsure of what’s worse, you ignoring him or blocking his number, Wonwoo still tries his best to remain calm.
4:00 p.m.
[wons <3]: im about to head home soon. r u riding w me today?
The sight of you getting into Seokmin’s car made Wonwoo scoff. Since when did you start getting rides home from Seokmin? And why was he the one opening the door for you? Buckling your seatbelt instead of his own? Wonwoo is completely dumbfounded at what he had witnessed.
4:30 p.m.
[wons <3]: saw u get into seokmin’s car, lmk if u need a ride tmrw.
Seeing you laugh and smile while walking to the student parking lot with Seokmin of all people solidified the fact that you are actively ignoring his texts. And he just can’t stand the thought of it. How dare he be ignored? Especially by his best friend, the one person who had always responded to him, no matter the time or how busy you were, you always texted him back.
Wonwoo initially thought that even if the world ended, you would be there within arms reach, enough to hold you close, where he can keep you safe. You were predictable in that sense. But if the world decided to burst into flames, or swallow itself whole tomorrow, he’s unsure if you would be there right next to him by the time he woke up.
⊹ a/n: if u want to be apart of the taglist please fill out the form, comment or send an ask! please note that i'll only add those who have an age indicator somewhere in their blog! thank you ♡
#jeon wonwoo#svthub#thediamondlifenetwork#Hiraya-M#seventeen smut#seventeen fic#wonwoo smut#wonwoo fic#seventeen fanfic#seventeen imagines#wonwoo fanfic#svt fic#svt smut#svt scenarios#seventeen scenarios#seventeen wonwoo#seventeen drabbles#seventeen x reader#wonwoo x reader#seventeen x you#svt x you#wonwoo x you
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sorry i dont really like the shadow is silvers dad theory/headcanon/whatever and part of the reason for it is that people keep presenting it as an actual thing that could be possible even though it makes no sense and all "evidence" people use to back it up is easily disputed
#''they both have white chest fur'' okay ? there are so many other characters who have small physical traits in common#doesnt mean they have to be related#''shadow and silver are lancelot and galahad in sonic and the black knight'' okay and .#im sure there might be SOME meaning to the character choices in the storybook games but i highly doubt their lives are 1 to 1 parallels#or that the character choices are meant to imply anything about the characters that we dont already know#plus amy was nimue and nobody tries to argue that shadow and amy are related because of that?#also im aware that a lot of dad shadow stuff takes place in the future when silver is a baby and shadow has still been alive for a long tim#(which. how would that even work wasnt shadow in stasis again in the future)#but sometimes i see people do it with like present day shadow being a father figure to the silver who time traveled there ?#thats like the horrible combination of people infantilizing silver in a way they dont do with other characters his age or younger#and people pretending shadow is an adult when he isnt . what#also i dont get why people insist that if shadow is silver's dad then the other parent MUST be someone from the existing cast#like . silver is not from a few decades into the future hes from 200 years into the future#none of the characters youre saying shadow is gonna get with are gonna be living that long im sorry to say#and why does silver HAVE to be the child of a couple in the existing cast why cant he just be some random guy#and im not saying every au idea has to perfectly align with canon#but a lot of the people who think shadow is silvers dad arent presenting it as a fun little baseless headcanon#theyre presenting it as an actual plausible theory . when it really isnt .#also ive noticed one of the most common pairings for silvers parents is sonic and shadow .#sorry but that is just not happening i feel so strongly about sonic never wanting to get married or have kids#i think shadow being an older brother figure to silver could be cute .#and the idea of a timeline where shadow doesnt die or get put into stasis or whatever the hell and is still around in silvers time#could be interesting . but im not really on board with the dad thing
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Congratulations on figuring out there are multiple people in your brain btw. I saw a while ago you posting about it being unsure so, YAY YOU FIGURED IT OUT!! LETSGOOOO!!! HELLO CHARLIE AND OTHER CODECICLE ALTERS!!!! YAAAYYYY!!!!!
FIGURED IT OUT!!! It really is crazy I didn't figure it out sooner, but I just assumed I was weird and didn't talk to anybody about it. Made a joke about it after multiple years of hiding it from everyone (and myself) and got told by multiple people "Hey yeah you're not normal go research stop feeling scared" and I did and now I'm friends with the people in my brain 🔥🔥 huge wins all around! LETSGOOO WOOOOOOOO CHEERING YAAAY!! Everyone rattling around up here says hi back!!!
#i make yet anothet post just for me 👍#we have mail :]#actually insane i didnt figure it out earlier.#[guy with a disorder he doesnt know about voice] yeah man idk i feel like my body is being controlled by other people a lot of the time#and i talk to completely real people in my head everyday and others think im entirely insane because of it so i have to hide it#and i have memory issues and feel like going by multiple names#and my personality keeps changing and my likes and wants flip flop around#and im ALWAYS dissociated. wonder what all thats about !#surely not something ive been well aware of for years . SURELY not#IT COULDNT BE!#<- i may be stupid#it didnt help that they could subconsciously mess with me too. i didnt know why i felt scared of people finding out i was multiple#BEFORE i figured it out myself#then i sat down with charlie and had a conversation and quickly figured out ah. its your fault#motherfucker#anyway rambling over#its just really funny to me just how long i lived like this without thinking twice about it#and im really happy to slowly accept it and learn to live in harmony now ^_^
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sorry for reblogging fugly trends from 2012 it's for my enrichment
#have i ever told u guys about my early 2010s fashion and pop culture fixation#i got a gen you ine aeropostle skirt recently ive never been happier#also gonna try and get my hands on some freshtops tanks#eventually#also their shorts though ive only found one secondhand listing in my size#i need the naked1 pallet or i'll die#its funny to me because like#yes within fashionblogging and lifestyle teen youtube girls from that era#consummerism was a massive thing (it still is but its so obvious when you look at blog archives and videos from that era)#youtubers with non disclosed sponsorships#bethany mota and amanda steele vaguely saying “this brand sent me this product to give to you guys!”#it was really just watching the birth of what we know as influencers today and its really interesting to me#theres a lack of cuts theres a lack of scripting theres long tangents#people were only just then realizing you can make money via haul videos and makeup tutorials#bethany mota had a fashion line at aeropostle purely because of her status as a youtuber#there was a big rise at the time of people being against flaunting overpriced designer during that time because of the recession#but there was still a hugggeee hold with consumerism and classism#hauls with brandy and f21 and ae like i cant afford that im sure you cant afford $600 at american eagle on a weekly basis#i have lots of thoughts idk#anyways backtracked#i think its funny because here i am talking about how horribly i need b&bw and vs pink#but like its all secondhand shit for $15 online now#nobody wants this stuff!!!!!! cycles!!! capitalism!!!! i dont know you get what i mean!!!!!!!!!!!#skyler posting
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Do mechanites cry?
#rolling with difficulty#vrla rwd#mrsn rwd#vr la rwd#mr sn rwd#art i made#yet another thing i drew then just fully forgot to post LMAO#man i had to listen to 3.7 like 3 times for this. goddammit#easter egg: the 4 big infernal books in the shelf all say contract law like its a textbook series i guess#the small one next to them says Doctor Faustus bc i was looking to my irl bookcase for inspiration#and the christopher marlowe play was one of my alevel lit texts#also i think it would be really funny if the devils have their own version of the story of the deal with the devil guy#honestly this may have been the kinda. last straw of my burnout cuz this was a lot of time spent on a lot of stuff im really not good at#and none of it turned out... exactly how i wanted but oh well. it is what it is#ok the kinda annoying thing about me spending far too fucking long drawing super emotional scenes like this is i kinda#desensitise myself to whatever im drawing. like i felt it the most with the demon possession comic i casually tossed into the discord#bc thats the exact kinda angst i personally LOVE but it just doesnt have the same punch after ive been staring at it for 5 hours straight#(anyway go read cal's fic about it its on ao3 and its bloody good)#all this to say. when i first listened to 3.7 and austin had that exchange of like#'noir can i ask you a lore question' 'sure..?' 'do mechanites cry?'#i straight up got fuckin CHILLS. and sometimes i forget that but i try to force myself not to
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sometimes researching for avatar redesigns has you 6 layers deep into the Japan's Meiji era allies wiki
#im trying to mess with some of the stuff that feels weird about the ways the fire nation is depicted idk#like i do not feel optically it is good for like them to be so heavily based on japan's imperialist actions#while dressed in clothes that come from places japan colonized#but i dont want it to just be solely japanese though i did draw zuko and azula in hakama but its largely cause i wanted to draw hakama#and like the only place with strong japanese influence being kiyoshi island and my own frustration with the modern day samurai depiction#i think fundamentally it isnt a choice that had as much thought as i am putting in put into it but it does raise an eyebrow for me#anyway i think keeping the thai influence is fine despite the brief invasion japan had into thailand due to thailand then allying with japa#and further allying with the axis due to allying with japan#ugh and ive been told not to think this much about it because its fiction but its also fiction so so so heavily based on real places#and when you base fiction on real cultures you fall into some unintentional pitfalls#i also fucking hate the royal fire nation robes they look so meh and the most costumey out of everything in the show#they look like heavy blankets despite being a supposedly hot nation#theres ways to have heavy robes (heian era japan) but they look like i make them out of fleece and velvet blankets#back to kiyoshi island i think the really only aesthetically japanese reference in the show being an island of noble warriors is lame#plus over done#it feels like nowadays theres a lot of people who get all whiney about people saying fire nation is based off japan#but like dude the creators in the comics and korra like go even more into the japanese influence and clearly it was the original intentions#also i do think you could do some pretty interesting world building by having say there be an older cultural influence on kiyoshi island#from the fire nation especially if the place is established as a central port area then you tie in some okinawan or even hawaiian reference#and gives an explanation that makes sense to why kiyoshi stands out from the rest of the earth kingdom you have long term cultural trading#and it establishes interesting relationships even pre kiyoshi time thereby drawing back onto some real historic references#cause for awhile ryukyu china and japan used to be this trading triangle which could explain some of these various influences going on#i think you can get a really interesting harmony when you create the fire nation out of a mix of japan and thailand#i mean both have these floating buildings due to living on some pretty wet lands and theres harmony in that mix#god i did see one person go like “fire nation is more based on china because theres a lot of red and red is important in china”#my brother in christ red is also important in japan#red is important in like many many asian cultures#i mean of course a lot of that importance stems from china and cultural exchange with china but idk kinda silly to say with your whole ches#like if you want to bring china in then the dragons are the biggest thing like sure some mythos has dragons in japan#but a lot of those comes from china in some way
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my mum: you've been doing really good lately. every part of your life is really stable and you seem genuinely happy, it's great to see :)
me, who's felt like ive been going actually crazy bananas insane for months now: yeah haha
#sometimes i forget that 'being in total control of my emotions at all times' isn't just my cringe lore & is actually something im good at#like wdym my MUM said this. girl im experiencing horrors over here!#i got really offended by it? ilke i just smiled at her and agreed but inside i was like HELLOOOOO CAN ANYONE HEAR MEEEE#i just genuinely feel like i am so detached from myself and im entirely manipulative and i micromanage every facet of my personality#and change it day-to-day person-to-person and not in the Normal Human Way but in a crazy insane I Am Manipulating People Way#& it's a CONSCIOUS thing & like. idk who the real me is idk if there is a real me idk if id like her if i saw her idk if im a good person#but i look like im doing fine. i seem really stable and happy atm according to the person who knows me better than anyone#like that's the extent of my control on myself. even my mum cant tell. HUH#idk i feel like im being dramatic bc last week and this week ive definitely been feeling a lot better#and like maybe i was just having some sort of months-long episode but that doesnt negate the fact that while i was IN it no one could tell#not even the closest people to me that see me every day in the same house where im most vulnerable could tell#that's like. worrying surely. maybe. i think. whatever im just saying shit at this point#i always do this tho i go 'i fundamentally base my self-worth on how little i share vulnerability with people#and it's been a constant part of my personality since childhood that i dont talk about my feelings' and then i get SO pissed off#when people dont realise im going through shit. like girl what did you THINK was gonna happen. look inwards#hella goes home
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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How did Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 6 Episode 7 Once More With Feeling sprint so that later shows* could stand dead still interpreting "musical episode" as "the characters put on an existing musical and stop the plot dead to do covers of songs that vaguely relate to them. Maybe we make some single-episode subplots with no follow up so the characters fit the songs better?"
*not you, Scrubs, you're doing amazing and we're glad you're here
#i think every show that hits six seasons should do a musical episode#you can do it earlier if you want but if you go seven seasons with no singing shame on you#and i mean hire an actual songwriter and choreographer and make it a legit musical#every major character gets a song and no i dont care if the actors 'can sing well'#if you absolutely must you can dub them over with some broadway professional as a gag#but really as long as they commit and sell it as hard as they can im in#the songs need to be about the actual show and its narrative arc as it relates to the character singing#make it a dream make it a hallucination make it a magic spell whatever just make them sing#i need canon to help me out on this it doesnt come across on ao3 this requires audio and visuals#im sure there are shows other than scrubs and buffy that have done it well but ive been burned too many times
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so when i was a teen i was like, very alt, very punk, like eyeball-deep in the local music scene (this would continue for the next decade), i was NOT a scholar by any stretch and quite frankly hated academics. and my friend introduced me to this band and it ended up being one of my favorites for years.
well i was talking to my friend who's into a bad that was big back in that day and i was like ahhh yes.... i remember those days.... neon and crust and studded leather.... and i listed off some bands, and remembered that one i had liked for so long. i went and looked it up and spotted the album i remembered the most, and gave it a listen and well
it would seem ive always been this way. apparently
#the older i get the more i realize that my life has been this strange paradoxical orobouros of self#one day i decided i would stop moulding myself to other's likings bc dulling my edges only helped those ppl hurt me#thus re-embracing a part of myself i'd learned to be ashamed of. and it was incredibly liberating#and then i realized it was my destiny to be a mortician#and i was sooooooooo afraid to tell ppl bc i was sure they'd be weirded out#but every person i told was like OHHHHH ok yes that makes complete sense. that's perfect#and the more i thought about it the more i was astonished it had taken me so long to figure that out lol#and realizing that i really am by nature a scientist has been really liberating too. i hate that my class bracket prevented me from#discovering that bc i was working all the time for a decade and had no time to explore myself or my interests or anything#and i honestly always thought i was stupid.... because of other people lol#and once i let go of other people's treatment of me as the lens through which i view myself#i realized#oh.... i'm a scary and smart little freak. huh#and i started living true-to-myself and it's been super fun and rewarding and ive never been happier#but like... i kept thinking. wow who could have ever seen this coming! this must seem like such a stark turn for the outside eye#like now that i finally recognize myself... others probably dont#and then i revisited this band and went#ah#no#im just oblivious#ive literally always been like that. even when i didn't know what it was or what it was like. just completely blind to a destiny that is no#SO crystal clear that it's changed how i see the world and myself and the way i live#crazy
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ok lrb i feel like the biggest idiot ever and i probably am 💀it has been established multiple times but ive been really feeling it now these past few days
#so im like a physical person with friends i know its ok with it im touchy and huggy and all that#so i have this friend im super comfortable with and we do this kind of thing all the time i cling to her whenever we see each other#and she does basically the same thing#so a few months ago she was hugging me and then i didnt really register at first but she kissed my neck while we were hugging#and i was like aww thats so sweet that she kisses her friends <3 such a nice friendly gesture i bet she does that to all her friends#and i thought nothing about it. now a few days ago she was sitting next to me and took my hand in hers while i was writing smth#and i didnt think anything about it cuz thats normal. and then she was like turning it over in her hand and feeling it#and trailing her fingers over my palm and my fingers and all that and i still thought nothing of it i was like ok!#and i kept writing w my left hand while she was talking and then. she very very slowly started to intertwine her fingers with mine#LIKE SLOWLY. LIKE A DELIBERATE VERY CAREFUL SLOWLY. and i was like wait a minute.#cuz i wouldnt have cared if she just took my hand WHY WAS SHE SO CAREFUL ABOUT IT?#and then she was like wow ari your nails are so long. and i wouldnt have cared if she said 'wow theyre pretty' cuz thats normal#but she was like 'your nails are so long. its cute.' HELLO#but i wasnt sure at that point i was like ??? ok but maybe she meant it friendly! she does this kind of thing to all her friends right!!!#and then i spoke to her friend confidentially and she was like yeah she doesnt do that with anybody#now im not sure 😭i feel like it could easily be explained by something else since she never mentioned being gay#but it could equally be that shes gay. schrodingers lesbianism#and i feel so bad because me being touchy is just kind of who i am what if she feels like ive been leading her on if im right 😭#but now her friend is telling me that im an idiot. and my best friend says im an idiot. and my cousin says im an idiot!!#cuz this sounds like shes been flirting w me the whole time and ive been like 'aww shes so sweet <3 bffs 4 life'#i really hope she doesnt like me tho </3 hvgfdbsljhfgbsvclujinf#aricouldyounot
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finished my normalcy phase returning to the horrors
#mine#HELLO HELLO whats up yanchamps i am insane again once more god bless. feeling like a yandere prophet returning to his followers#i havent been experiencing The Horrors quite as much still been having ups and downs but normal otherwise#but my brain has been tormenting me a lil bit so i figured i might as well post about it#so i got confessed to recently and my brain exploded out of my head onto the wall and it was like ketchup and everything#brain is unable to process it bc it was from a guy i am not 100% yandere insane over (yet?? maybe?) and its probably not the best decision#since i am not mentally stable or sure about it and other factors. but we are still friends he is very swag and cool i think and enables me#and my yanderism which i post ever so slight morsels of from time to time on main#i mean like it is what i asked for technically? to be loved? cherished even!?!? to be cared for?!??#yet i still am fixated on a guy who treats me like a crumb. sad. literally that one meme#i cannot control which man my brain dissects daily why does it have to be the one who doesnt care about me bruh istg. i mean its not rly#romantic i am just more fixated on him than others? theres way more to it but only so much can be explained in tags. and both these guys#are too old for me anyways. hell on earth. well thats an excuse for me to try and improve more i guess before i rush into anything.#it really sucks that ive waited so long for a serious relationship and everyone who wants one is too old anyways. and those who DONT want#one. well i dont want them they are not committed to the yandere grindset#im getting way better at not being super sick in the head or making rash decisions but those were just some things annoying me<3
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i don’t like. the irrationality created by memories
#ive spent enough time pouring over information and reading studies and making sure i know damn well how this disease works so that at least#it’s not some unknown enemy and becomes something i can understand#which is fine until im crying and shaking in my bathroom over it potentially being in this damn house once again and at this time of the#year where specific anniversaries of horrible milestones come back to haunt me#and i haven’t been fully present in going on two years now but these last two days have passed obnoxiously quickly and none of it feels real#it’s been a long time since i haven’t known the hour much less what day it is#and i can tell you about blood vessels and symptoms and all the ways this disease can function in and destroy the body but it doesn’t make#any difference when nothing feels real and i had to check what day it was and got the date wrong for the first time in years#I’m also defaulting to hyper-rationality which hasn’t happened since middle school and isn’t. a good sign#it’s just a replay of a lot of memories i can’t forgot but this time it’s not just memories and has a very much physical component which is#worse. I think. by far.#and then there’s the repercussions of this where I have to see if my brain will allow me to anything#i can hope i can still go to work and everything because i do love it but last time this happened i wasn’t able to walk into any building#without having to leave#so. I don’t know. not to mention things that don’t have to do with school or careers?#and rationally i should be asleep at the moment because sleep is so so necessary right now but that’s the one thing I’m really struggling#with right now#i don’t know. it’s just a lot and I don’t appreciate the added layer of ‘time is a circle’#there’s other things I have to deal with and work through that are more irrational than research vs trauma response but will probably be#harder to work through because man does my brain love latching onto a grudge but. for lack of a better term. whatever#im most upset about things pertaining to a career has been messed up and that i can’t celebrate chanukah with my family#because everyone else can think about christmas but im losing my winter holiday#im just. anything that isn’t empty is scared and angry and bitter just a little bit#vent tw
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just got struck by the memory that not only did i read the main percy jackson series during the summer when i was 11 (sea of monsters in one day) then i also proceeded to reread them in 7th grade but lie to my friends that it was my first time reading them for some reason
#i read Dozens of books those two years too so they didnt take me the full like school year#i read a series of unfortunate events and twilight in 6th grade and then gaurdians of ga'hoole in 7th grade i think only up to like book 6?#whichever one where they go to the like winter island but i lost interest in that one#that was in 7th grade and i read some of the narnia ones as well#i also unfortunately reread harry potter which technically it was read to me the first time but still#and then through highschool i read a lot#and this was also like during class and i still got decent grades#now ive been ahdjkd only Slowly back into reading but ive read a lot this year that im proud of#i read a lot of heavy long books though so rereading PJO has been a palate clenser#and hopefully hoo will get me back into bigger books#pjo has so far taken me like#a month for each book and im on book 3 so hopefully ill be on hoo by the end of the year but the last olympians a bit longer so im not sure#its not that it talk me a lot to read the books because i finished the last 10 chapters of sea of monsters in like 3 hours its more i only#really get time to read at night when going to bed and im bad about going to bed earlier and i usually can only read for a bit before its#light out#OH i also read hunger games all of it somewhere in that time period#i think christmas just before the movie came out#so that was probably early 7th grade but i could be wrong#times a fuck but i did read a lot#sorry for the tags infodump idk how else to talk about reading ahdkdk
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weird how this year like basically every fiction thing ive been into has been mystery crime sort of stuff
#there was yuumorri riverrs of london ace atorneh and crime i punishment#which isnt very many things for a whole half a year#theres been a few other things ive watched and read as well i suppose#but ive been getting into new stuff way less than i used to#useless loser reading too much bloody fanfiction i didnt used to do that#i know its not tumblr cause i did used to do that#though also like since i started uni i suppose thats not really a reason but the second part of last calender year was similar#though now im just confused what was when its not that confusing is it#anyway im not sure im really more busy now im at uni#i mean i spend so much time doing nothing just on my phone or whatever#and a lot less hours objectively#not even sure ive got that much more going on probably less#like i do remember being at least a bit busy with a levels at school even though i didnt have a life then either#ive had the habbit of obsessing over things to cope with not having a life and not wanting to have to think about doing stuff i have to#ive been doing that for ages but as time goes on i do think ive become more dispassionate or something#not that thats really got anything to do with it#but i can at least say that a year living alone with like responsibilities or something like whatever not like i really did much#i seem just to be becoming lazier and lazier if i cant even be bothered to read or watch tv much what the fuck#like i genuinly dont think theres been that much pressure than school#like there was lots academically back then and also i didnt know what i was going to do after#i do think not talking to people has a bad overall effect in the long term in a lot of aspects but i dont know how exactly that relates#to whatever im talking about or how to explain it to prove it
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......one kind of terrible horrible thing about possibly trying to reconnect to myself and my body and such is that im probably definitely almost gonna have to dredge up and reckon with things that happened to me
and like. yknow..id rather not. but i have to if i want to move forward right?
#it's not like it was all terribly.violent or anything#idk. id been sure for the longest of times that well. none of it had affected me#it was long long ago and i know it wasnt my fault - how could it be? - so ive never seen any point in lingering on it#and ive never really connected any of my problems ive had and currently have to them because i cant see a throughline#but. yknow. im starting to rethink that strategy#............#ive never really been in denial about it. i just.... it didnt count. i think.#but in retrospect maybe it actually did#but then if i dredge this shit up im going to have to question a lot of other things too#...................fuck#to the void with love
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