#i say a lot of shit in tags. sorry for using tumblr server space when theyre in the red 😔😔

[butchlifeguard]

next year i can get a car do you know how much im gonna be a carabiner butch

[sleepy-shutin]

i feel like the tik tokification of CDDs has been so fucking bad and no one really wants to talk about it out of fear of fakeclaiming or whatever but like, i’ve seen a lot of people talk about how they literally can’t get into therapy for system related shit because their therapists doubt them because of how it’s such a trend right now. and because of it, all the “quirky” aspects of systems like switching on camera and full cosplaying your alters and doing little tik tok intros for all of them are so popularized but the actual disorder aspects are doubted or ignored or deemed “problematic”, like having genuine persecutors and not just edgy aesthetic alters who do black and white thirst traps on tik tok to sad boy rap or emo rock. and another thing i’ve noticed from this is people doubting RAMCOA as a whole, or telling survivors that they can’t talk about their trauma or vent because it’s too extreme or “unbelievable” (not a survivor myself but i’ve been reading about RAMCOA systems’ experiences with this). even besides that, system servers in general being inaccessible for a lot of survivors and systems who don’t want to use plural kit or have a system name or whatever. it’s just so! annoying! that i’m so scared to tell people about my disorder or talk about it publicly or even show symptoms of it, because i feel like people are inherently going to doubt me because of how it’s honest to god a trend. and i remember in early 2010s tumblr, it was a trend during that time too, but at least it was relatively contained to tumblr but tik tok is so far reaching. idk maybe i’m an asshole but i just wish people would take it seriously.

i don't think you're an asshole for this. i feel very similarly. i hate when people say "[disorder] isn't a trend!!" when it literally has actually become a trend among people on social media.

people say "DID isn't a trend", but what was that one tag that was trending for a few days straight on twitter? #systemsfordream?

if DID isn't a trend, then how is what's going on online it affecting real world people and their life experiences?

if DID isn't a trend, explain what the hell is going on on tiktok in general.

if DID isn't a trend, explain why all of these people are self diagnosing and armchair diagnosing their friends with DID based on extremely minimal reading and continuing to give genuine self-diagnosers an awful name, and doing anything they can to relate their symptoms to DID.

doubting RAMCOA-related experiences is not new, but yeah--systems that experienced RAMCOA have been shoved out of spaces for having trauma that's "too extreme" to vent about. i hate that shit so much, because people will see people with RAMCOA-related trauma venting about their experiences, and suddenly think these people are playing the trauma olympics when it's literally just their fucking life.

like, sorry some people are trafficking survivors while you survived medical neglect. them talking about their experiences and you feeling uncomfortable with that because it makes you feel like your trauma isn't as bad is not a them problem, it's a you problem, and you need to work through those feelings on your own time. believe it or not, from what i've seen, many survivors of RAMCOA-related abuse struggle with feeling like their trauma was 'enough' as well.

and yeah--tiktok has just. done so much damage to disorders like that. it's not just DID, but also ADHD and autism, both of which they've boiled down to "hyperfixation and special interest disorder", ESPECIALLY when they stomp on and speak over *permanently* non-speaking autistics, or autistics with higher support needs because of their autism, or autistics with cognitive impairments or comorbid learning/intellectual disabilities.

so many syscord servers just fucking suck, because they force you to use pluralkit or have a system name, force littles into one specific chat, etc, but like... bestie how are you going to know a lot of these things if i don't tell you that i've switched, lmao. the normalization of just instantly telling everyone you've switched or when something happens, or over-publicizing your system has and continues to do so much damage to people with DID that have trauma around sharing too much personal information about themselves online, or have had their profiles found by abusers, or similar traumas.

we use aliases online for just about everything *for those exact reasons*.

don't even get me started on the persecutors thing. i've heard more than a few stories about black people with persecutor alters that internally appear white and are racist, but that's "problematic" so people don't like it. i've heard more than a few stories about people with alters that internally reenact abuse in some form, such as an introject of an abusive father that hurts the littles/child parts, but that's "problematic" so people don't like it. i've heard more than a few stories about persecutor alters that try to commit suicide when they front, but that's "problematic" so people don't like it.

the worst part is that these alters aren't given any kind of nuance because they're not treating or understanding them as parts of a whole dissociated consciousness, but rather entirely separate people who are, on their own, wholly responsible for their own actions. people won't look into why a person would have a racist alter, or an alter that reenacts abuse internally, or alters that try to commit suicide, they don't give these alters the benefit of the doubt or think that they might be hurting as well, they just shit on these alters with no reprieve, even when the system is trying to tell them not to do that.

and like, i understand being avoidant towards persecutors and being mean to them because they're reminders of trauma and they're not pretty about it, because they can be scary to see and deal with. but in the end they're just as traumatized as you are, and are dealing with it in unhealthy and destructive ways, and they deserve help, not to be shunned or further abused. even ignoring the fact that that kind of behavior will only make theirs worse, that's really no way to treat a part of yourself who is traumatized and struggling.

i'm just so tired of tiktok and the tiktokification of my disorders, and i'm tired of people acting like it's not happening.

[honeypoticns]

i’ve been going back and forth for almost a year trying to decide whether this is a story i want to be made public, but between a message i got and what i’m seeing on the dashboard, i think i should share my experience with simvicii and oliveandoak. 

i won’t go into too much detail, and i want to preface this by stating that i only heard about the second server a couple months ago, as my experiences with them lasted for three-ish months at the end of 2019 and ended shortly before christmas.

i will also say in advance that i don’t have any screenshots because this happened almost a year ago and i frankly didn’t think to screenshot anything at the time. you’ll have to just take my word for it, or not at all. either way, here it goes.

i made my simblr in september if i’m not mistaken and nicole was one of my first followers, always super nice and engaging with my content. meg was also my mutual, and i messaged her once i believe telling her i enjoyed her content (i used to just randomly dm people a lot then, something i’ve stopped after my interactions with them). i happened to reblog one of their ‘squad posts’ once and apparently they found my tags amusing because meg dmed me and out of nowhere invited them to their server, and i said sure. there were only 5 people including me, and that stayed the same for the majority of my time there (towards the final days i spent in the server a few more people joined, but we didn’t interact much).

i didn’t witness any racism, ableism, homophobia or antisemitism in my time in that server, but it didn’t shock or surprise me that they were capable of that sort of behaviour.

what i did witness was a series of toxic behaviours. they talked shit about other content creators and their posts and then i saw them interacting with them and praising them on the dashboard, for what i can only assume was “”simblr clout””. they viciously critiqued anything that wasn’t stereotypically “beautiful” and had no issues about it. they were extremely two-faced, but at the time i ignored it because they’d been nothing but extremely nice, considerate and supportive of me and for that i apologise.

a couple weeks after i was in the server, the mood shifted and i was made to feel like an outsider – the people there were friends, i was just tagging along. they had group projects and talked about doing things on simblr together and that conversation didn’t include me. i started doing timezone reblogs and they liked the posts while talking on the server about how trashy it was. i enjoyed my content more on the warm side and they talked about how ugly it was when posts were brown/pink tinted. it was a weird give and take that didn’t make a lot of sense and made me feel discouraged and embarassed about my content, but every time that happened they would turn around and compliment something else i did so it evened out.

the falling out we had was something that to this day has confused me and it seriously affected my mental health as at the time i was dealing with untreated anxiety, i was in the process of grieving my mother and had undiagnosed ocd, which in short means i wasn’t alright at all. i won’t go into what happened, but i will say that i was dropped without a second thought for virtually nothing (i accidentally called meg nicole and apologised a thousand times) with not even an explanation as to what the fuck was going on. i removed myself from the server because i could tell that meg was uncomfortable and i wasn’t going to stay there when it was first and foremost her space. i thought i’d hurt her, it was my fault, i had to leave.

what i find more telling is the experiences i had afterwards. i stayed active on tumblr for a month or so after this, but i began to be so anxious to even come online because of their presence and before i could talk myself into calming down i was blocked by meg out of the blue and softblocked by a few people i had no issues with, and who seemingly had no issues with me. after that i left and stayed away for a month or two (i don’t really recall).

when i returned, a friend invited me to a server and i met some really nice, supportive people who took the time to message me privately and apologise for ever thinking poorly of me because of what they’d been told by meg and nicole. that’s the sort of people they are – they’ll take a situation that held no drama, no confusion, no apparent casualties and talked absolute shit about me to people daily. i’ve been told that they talked about how they’d taught me everything i knew and then was a bitch towards them and how much they hated me. 

when meg left tumblr i was comfortable being on again, and when nicole returned i left again. my interactions with them weigh heavily on me and still affect my mental health to this day.

i know i should’ve said something earlier, but at the time that i interacted with them i was afraid that i was going to get run out of this website because before the meg situation went down, heaven forbid anyone said a word about them. i still wish i had, as i know they hurt a lot of good people and perhaps i could’ve prevented that. i’m always gonna be sorry i didn’t say something, but i can’t change it now.

this has nothing on what’s come to light about meg and nicole’s behaviour, and it’s miniscule in the grand scheme of things but i’ve been holding this shit in for close to a year and i really have nothing to lose at this point by saying something. they’re manipulative, two-faced bullies and you can add that to their long rolecall of bullshit.

[disappearinginq]

Really? You're still hung up on comparing Magnum and Higgins to your famaily even though that annoymous poster explained to you, over and over, all the ways you're wrong? Being sarcastic and insulting someone is not the same thing as being sarcastic to express affection. You're b-i-l is a dick who picks on your sister's insecurities and makes her feel worthless. Higgins pokes at things that Magnum is secure in, like his intelligence, because she knows there's no chance of him being offended

(2/3) I have family and friends in the UK and every single time you ignore all the evidence to the contrary and insist that Higgins is this awful toxic creature, you're insulting every one of them. Honestly? You're just as bad as the shippers you profess to hate, only, where they insist there's non-existant romantic feelings, you insist there's non-existent offense being given. None of the men are bothered or upset by her sarcasm. They've made room for her in their ohana. They adore her.

(3/3)

And she has killed, and nearly died, to keep Magnum safe. That's not the sort of thing someone would do for someone they don't give a flying fuck about. You seem like a really intelligent person and I just don't understand why you insist on ruining this show for yourself by clinging to this wildly incorrect first impression instead of letting your opinion develop the way her character and relationship with the three guys has.

Oh, there is probably some etiquette where I’m not supposed to stoop to your level and ignore this with a “toddle off” and a peace sign so that I can be the more sympathetic in this conversation, buuuuuut.  I am not the kind of person. So. One, sit the fuck back down, buttercup. From here on out, you’re Exhibit Fucking A why I goddamn despise shippers. And here’s the biggest one: do I come in your space at all? Do I, oh, I don’t know, specifically go and find you assholes, just to pick a fight on anonymous, like a goddamn coward? No. I don’t troll fics tagged with Miggy, telling the authors to fuck off an die (which you lot have done to me). I don’t go onto a server and bitch them out to others (which you lot have done to me) and then incite people to come and go after the people who don’t share my view (WHICH YOU LOT HAVE DONE TO ME. DO YOU SEE A FUCKING PATTERN, YOU GODDAMN TWAT WAFFLE?) So you know what, fuckwit? Drop dead. Come off fucking anonymous so people can see who you really are. Be brave, you little insect. And I swear to fucking christ almighty, your little bitch ass better not come back with ‘I don’t have a Tumblr account, so I can’t boo hoo). 

Two. Vix and I are friends. Unless you can’t read and interpret the English language, which you seem to do just fucking fine, you would see that. In fact, you can credit her why I try really hard to rationalize some of Higgins’s behavior (and then either dipshits like you, or the writers themselves, make it impossible and I have to remember Vix and her wonderful insight). In case you didn’t fucking read, she is also the one who commented on the utter horse shit story lines we’re being fed, so there goes your leg to stand on. We had our discussion, we came to a shared, fascinating insight that the other one had to offer, and she’s the reason I leave anonymous commenting on, because as much as I would love to set you on fire, I love hearing from her more. So pitter pat, jackass, back to your hidey hole. 

Three. I’m sure I could be much more eloquent about telling you just how much I despise you on a fundamental level, but I am actually too fucking pissed off. But good news - you’re apparently pretty confident in your position, so this won’t insult you when I call you a cowardly ass - unless, you’re on anonymous because I have you blocked, which means you wanted this.  “ I have family and friends in the UK and every single time you ignore all the evidence to the contrary and insist that Higgins is this awful toxic creature, you're insulting every one of them.”

 - I’m sorry, but do you even see the fucking irony in this. Oh BOO GODDAMN HOO, a person complains about a character and shit fucking writing from the show because they have her character fucking weave back and forth like a goddamn weeble wobble, and they get personally offended and I should stop because their feelings are hurt second hand? That’s basically what you’re saying - I hate this character, and therefore I hate them. If they behave like Higgins, you’re probably not wrong, but what the hell do they care what I think - someone who has never met them? That’s what we’re drawing from this. In the same complaint that you have that I IDENTIFY WITH THEM, BUT IT’S WRONG ACCORDING TO YOU BECAUSE IT’S NEGATIVE? Eat shit and die. What I hate about the writing is that if you say fucking boo to Higgins, she canonically pouts for a whole fucking episode instead of manning up and using her not insignificant vocabulary. When it was someone else who needed less than legal means to get into this country, she refused to help, but now when it’s her turn, oh fine let’s break some federal goddamn laws. When a character, or a person, can’t take what they dish out, that’s the definition of a hypocrite. When the rules are played different to benefit a white person over a brown person, that’s white privilege. And eventually, you have to fucking learn to not be an asshole - even John Watson hits a threshold and punches Sherlock in the face for being a douchebag. 

Four. My sister is in fact incredibly intelligent. She holds duel bachelors of science, and a masters in technology and is a card carrying member of MENSA. She is very confident in her intelligence. But being told repeatedly that you’re an idiot, it’s a wonder you can speak your own language, how could you be so dumb, you’re lazy, you’re freeloading, you’re whatever, but then turn around and be like ‘why would you be insulted? Obviously I didn’t mean it!’ that’s fucking gaslighting. 

Five. HOW WOULD WE KNOW HOW THE GUYS FEEL ABOUT HER SINCE THEY’RE ROUTINELY NOT EVEN IN THE SAME GODDAMN STORYLINE AS HER AND MAGNUM?!  You wanna know what though? I want to like Higgins. I do. Because when the writing isn’t fucking terrible and making her out like a classist bitch, I love her. When she’s cracking jokes at the poker table? When she’s losing at pool with TC and Rick? When she’s got that funny little smile on her face because she’s so proud she surprised Magnum when she came to get him with the guys when he was stuck down in Triple Frontier? In the episode where they’re on the bus tour and she is the one who offers to go and confront the woman to tell her that her new husband is dead because she takes one look at Magnum and sees that this hits a little too close to home? I love her. Because the writing isn’t terrible, she’s actually human, and it isn’t a story line that isn’t one of the worst tropes to ever exist (really, did you miss the three thousand memos of I hate romance and romantic sub plots and tropes? Fake dating, fake marriage, I literally hate all of it, and they just made it worse by having it make no sense whatsoever in the narrative other than to play Shipping Bingo check off) I actually like her. 

And then some little shit like you comes along, and I go right back to hating her, because of the things you choose to ignore, and the things you choose to defend. If you don’t have to acknowledge her faults, I don’t have to acknowledge her strengths. TL;DR? Eat a dick and die, Nonny fuckwit. 

[stiekemekat]

😑 blergh.

well, okay then. first off, i steer clear of your blog by myself, but if someone points me to a post that supposedly has had my name on an image, i go look. 

second of all: i’m genuinely sorry. i had no fucking clue that the image was from your mutuals server. i have to admit i thought it was kind of weird that it looked like it was from mobile and the one in the post was from like, normal tumblr, but @afgunst​ was in fact approached by someone who told her it was on your vent blog:

so, that’s literally all the info i had: the uncensored cap was on your blog, but after some time it was changed. i’m not in your mutuals server. i don’t know anyone who is in your mutuals server. i don’t even know anyone who knows someone who’s in your mutuals server. i’m not dumb enough to purposefully put caps here that i know would come back to bite me in the ass. the person who sent afgunst the cap is also not in your mutuals server. this cap apparently travelled a very long way:

there’s apparently a mole in your server, but it’s not mine, or it’s just someone who sent the image along to warn people. 

Thirdly: i!!!! don’t know!!!!! o!!!! all info i’ve had from them which i said on the server came from the server. i have a feeling you’re aiming at me knowing they’re jewish, but that’s literally because, and i’m going to have to remember this from the top of my head, they thanked people wishing others a happy passover. congrats, i’ve solved the mystery and have gotten personal info that can only be obtained by reading a public server. 

i friended them about 5 minutes before shit hit the fan, because as you can read what i said in the screencap, their tone was extremely passive aggressive, and i figured something was going to happen. i know caps can be tampered with, but i have gifcam, and my gifmaking skills are shit, so here you go: 

yes! they’re in my server! but i myself literally did not invite them because i figured that like, why the fuck would they want to stay in a fandom like this! i don’t know their social media! whenever they talk to me (which is not a lot, they barely talk in my server), they call me “Maes”, because it’s the only name they know me by, “Maes canonically says fuck”, my nickname from that server.

which means the person sending you an ask is still a liar, who was and maybe still is in that server, who is literally just setting us up against each other. who seemingly thinks olive and i are friends, who enjoys spreading misinformation about me and afgunst, and enjoys giving you misinformation and seeing you panic. 

fourthly: no, i literally will not speak to you directly. i literally do not care how awkward this is. i have you blocked on discord, so i don’t get a light panic attack whenever your icon and name pops up. i’ve talked to you before, and it went fucking nowhere.

fifthly: yeah, i know you’re on... terms... with him now? but we both know that reblogging and posting wasn’t the only thing you did. and like i said in the tags: he’s done with it, so i’m not bringing it up. 

sixthly (jeessuuussss): i don’t know who antagpsa is. yes, they dm’d me when i asked them to. yes, there are in fact more than 2 dutch fma fans. there are even more than 2 dutch fma fans who ship royed. no, i’m not going to give you their usernames so you can send them overly long DM’s. 

seventhly: what has it been, like, a month? versus the years you spent as an anti? give it more time, give people space, and don’t show up in a cap on my twitter timeline because you decided to Well Actually someone who was talking about their personal trauma. 

anyway, i’m literally just going to bed now. tldr: i’m sorry, i did not know that was from your private server. i don’t know shit fuck about olive. the ask is lying. goodnight.