#i should try and queue up a week's worth of posts but. alas. that takes a lot of time to make. especially when it's requests

[theokusgallery]

Just read through the entire arsenic tag

Toxic yaoi my beloved

YIPPEEE

I'm glad you like it anon !! :D (also wow I'm not sure how long it took scrolling through the whole thing but I guess it's been less than a year so it was . Probably fine,)

[cafephan]

meeting dan and phil - the full experience (7/5/18)

firstly, i’ll put this under a read more bc it could be a long old post

before we get into things i’d just like to thank @phangirlingforphan for being my rock throughout the entire day and coping with my many meltdowns, but here we go:

so i won’t bore you with the pre-build up (though if you follow me on twitter you’ll have seen it lmao), i’ll cut to when we arrive at the venue - dead on 2:30 which is the earliest we should’ve arrived, and the queue is already huge, so we were near the back, namely because i couldn’t get my makeup right and made us late leaving my friend’s flat – fifteen minutes than I ideally wanted to leave, because i wanted to be early, that’s a thing that happens a lot but anyway

we queue for a good ten minutes – during which time marianne is stood in the window just staring at us all and we’re just staring back like what’s good are you going to tell us why we’re not allowed in yet or

eventually we start being allowed in and all get wristbands (the attendant saw my wristband I bought when I saw the vamps last month and was like “ah I love the vamps I saw them the other day in birmingham!” which actually did wonders for my nerves for a while which were already in overdrive despite lily’s many many attempts to calm me down

so then we go down about eight flights of stairs and get directed into a big room (you saw it on dan and phil’s insta stories, the room with the dancefloor) and the tables that are set out are all already filled (because we were at the back of the queue) and the sweets that were set out were all on this one table that had about nine people around it and I’m 99% sure they stole them all which was sad bc sweets would’ve actually really helped me, but alas they were all gone so I was like fine whatever and we went and stood near the back of the room and I was tweeting like mad trying to calm myself down and distract myself because not only was it the hottest fucking day of the year I was also about to meet my absolute favourite people, the people that were, for a long time, the only source of happiness I had, and I was freaking the fuck out, and my face was practically glowing bc I was so warm, and the bottle of cooling spray I bought that morning was doing fucking nothing to help me and the room itself was boiling bc it had no windows.

about fifteen minutes passed and marianne came back around the screen and explained that dan and phil were about two minutes away, and we’d need to queue along the side of the dancefloor and we were allowed a selfie (“that don’t worry, dan will take with his long arms”) and one thing for them to sign, and basically to just have fun with it all – which, I was still freaking the fuck out and could barely stand up (but of course there were no free chairs so I was just stood there on my shaky legs) so literally couldn’t just have fun. 

and then they arrived.

everyone lost their shit, obviously (i filmed their entrance on my twitter, which I’m going to be promoting a fuckton in this post bc it’s where all my content is, and I’m ridiculously active on there and you should follow me @bloggerhowell) and they said something that I couldn’t hear because a) I was at the very back of the room b) my heart was pounding in my ears c) I was still overwhelmingly warm and was so uncomfortable I couldn’t focus on anything and then they disappear behind the screen and 90% of people swarm to queue.

I took advantage of the now empty chairs and went to sit down before I collapsed – whether it’d be from my own anxiety or the heat, I didn’t know, still don’t – and was just dousing myself in this cooling spray and fanning myself but nothing was working, meanwhile lily is holding our place at the back of the queue and keeps looking over to check I’m okay – which I’m not, I could feel my anxiety getting worse with every passing second, but I didn’t want to ruin her experience so waved it off as being generally fine.

Eventually I accept that my face just isn’t going to calm down and my first and only pic with dan and phil I’ll ever have will have me being a glowing tomato face and my self-hatred will intensify every fucking time I look at it, but I joined the queue again nonetheless.

Whilst we were queueing I kept spraying the cooling spray which is doing fucking nothing, and I kept tweeting to distract myself, when it comes to a point where I feel something I haven’t felt in a good few weeks, and immediately my mind starts spiralling and running away with itself because on top of everything else, I can feel myself beginning to have a fucking panic attack. So I immediately start going through all the exercises I learned at therapy (none of which work, but they’re all I had) and start rationalising with myself about the fight and flight response and all that shit, and then I remind myself which two people are now only like twenty or so steps away from me. So I took another step forward and firmly plant my feet on the ground and do more breathing exercises and rationalise with myself that it’ll all be worth it when I get around that screen, despite my glowing tomato face and the fact I’m sweating like a pig (which happens normally, just so much worse in hot weather), and somehow that helps a little. I took another deep breath and tried to focus on something else that’s present in the moment, to ground me.

So I start watching people coming back around the screen that have just met dan and phil, and every single person is fucking bawling their eyes out, which makes me significantly worse. I’ve always known that if I were ever lucky enough to have the chance to meet them, I’d break down in front of them because you know, it’s them (along with many reasons I won’t go into) and somehow seeing everyone else crying makes me like yeah okay so it’s definitely going to happen great

At this point the guy who works at city hall walks down the line and tells us to get our cameras and what we want them to sign out ready for when we meet them, so I get out my tweet collage from the plastic wallet it was in and cling to it for dear life, and it crinkles under my grip which makes me angrier at myself because I wanted to print it out on card but didn’t have time to go and buy any because I’ve been swarmed with uni work and just had no time. So by this point, I’m still borderline panic attack, now hating myself more than usual, and still warm beyond belief.

Lily keeps asking me if I’m okay, which evidently I’m not, but I don’t want to ruin her experience so I nod, until one time I just say “no I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack.”

It’s at this exact second that I hear actual dan howell laugh, because I’m that close to the screen now.

I take a deep breath and grip my paper tighter (then swear under my breath at myself for it) and pin my fringe back – since I don’t need another reason to make myself warmer – and start tweeting again, and this time it’s more of a distraction than it has been before.

I tell lily again that I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack, she tells me I won’t and I’ll surprise myself with how well I’ll do, and that if she can meet them once before and be absolutely fine, then I will be too. I don’t believe her, considering lily is infinitely cooler and more put-together than I am in every way, but I nod and focus on my breathing (and tweeting again)

Now it’s just one group of friends in front of us in the queue, and we’ve been hearing their conversation the whole time, and they’re all so excited, and I watch as one by one they all come back around the other side bawling their eyes out, which makes me take another deep breath and tell myself that now in about a minute, that’ll be me

Then the last person in front of us turns the corner.

Now we’re standing beside Marianne who makes awkward small talk with us:

“are you ready?”

(lily replies for the both of us because I’m genuinely too panicked to speak) “yeah, I think so, it’s just a bit surreal”

“you’ll be fine, don’t worry!”

Lily asks if it’s okay for us to film each other’s experiences and Marianne says yeah of course, and then she turns to me and says “are there any bags you want me to hold for you?”

So I hand her my backpack and tatinof tote bag, and she says “ah, someone was here before then?” and I laugh awkwardly, because my throat has closed up entirely – I can hear dan and phil talking literally three steps away from me – and then Marianne takes a step to the left, nods and then looks back to me

“ready?” she asks, and I don’t even respond, because I’m not, literally not in the slightest. I didn’t have time to rehearse what I wanted to say to dan and phil, I only have a tiny piece of paper for them to sign, I still look like a glowing tomato (despite lily telling me I looked fine) and I just could never prepare for it

“off you go” she holds out her hand to gesture me to go, and so I do.

And there are dan and phil, already smiling at me.

Phil immediately stretches out his arms and says “hello, nice to see you!” and hugs me. By this time, I’ve cracked. I’ve started crying though tears haven’t fell yet, but my voice has gone.

Whilst this is happening, dan leans over to look at me and smiles too – which, as I’m watching the video back right now, he’s got his sweater paws which is making me more emotional – and I hug phil for like two seconds – during which time dan is smiling so widely, I don’t know if he could already sense how nervous and close to crying I was – and then I move in to hug him, and he says “hi there, thank you for coming to see us” and I take a step back genuinely just to stare at them for a second because holy fuck dan and phil have their sole attention on me right now

Phil says “do you want us to sign anything?” to which I say “yes please” – my voice has cracked, keep in mind, there’s no mistaking they know I’m at breaking point tears-wise, but they don’t comment on it, and phil says “of course!”

It’s then that I hand them the tweet collage, and they spend a second or so looking at it before moving in to sign it, during which time I explain:

“It’s basically a tweet collage saying how I was never going to meet you and then I am”

And phil glances at me and smiles – whilst dan is signing it – and says “aw, well look where you are now!” which, honest to god, might be the most meaningful thing I’ve ever heard. It’s obviously me overthinking and making connections that aren’t there because obviously he’s talking about being at the meet and greet when I said I never would, but without going into detail (this is about dnp not me) I’ve gone through a lot of shit in life and have been forced to overcome some really difficult stuff, and to hear those words come from one of the two people that were basically the only constant I had during all of those times just meant the absolute fucking world to me and I really am in such a different place to where I was when I first found them, a better place than I was, and it just meant so much to me

** insert a genuine half an hour break where I just had to go and cry after writing that last paragraph sorry if the tone is different from here on out **

And dan sings “things come true!” whilst phil signs his name

Then I say “can I possibly get a message or… something, I don’t know what, whatever you feel” and phil nods and smiles then sets to writing something at the bottom of the page, and whilst he’s doing that dan says “do you want me to take the selfie for us?” to which I nod and phil takes a step to the side so I can fit in between them

And I say “can you, please?”

And dan looks down at me (keep in mind, I never have people looking down at me, in 95% of situations I’m the tallest person there), smiles and says “of course I can!”

Then – I only just heard this now despite it being my seventy seventh (approximate) time watching the video – dan says “alrighty” in that way he does and flips the camera around

I say “can we take loads in burst, so one might be decent?”

And dan laughs and says “oh yeah, in case I don’t blink in all of them” and phil says “let’s burst it up!”

Then I ask for a hand-holding picture and they’re like yeah of course and so I take their hands – which, by the way, are huge and warm and so soft, like unbelievably soft – then we get into position and dan snaps ten pictures in the space of like three seconds, during which he tries to wink but it happens too fast and in the end I just have about three half-squish-half-derp pictures of dan, and phil goes from smiling to a kind of duckface then smiles again, and I just progressively move my head further to the left – and consequently closer to dan’s shoulder which wasn’t the intention, I just could see out of my peripheral vision they were changing their expressions but I didn’t know what to do so I just moved my head more to the side apparently

And dan giggles – yes, giggles, cutest fucking sound I swear – and holds my phone down (this is on my screen record video, by the way, so I have some amazing shots of like dan’s chin) and he says “awesome! Well thank you so much for watching our videos, we really appreciate it, and phil says “yeah, thank you!” and dan hands me my phone back

At which point I tell myself, Kirsten you’re never going to get this opportunity again, go in for another motherfucking bear hug, which I do

Which is when dan lets out a soft little ‘oof’ sound and then chuckles and says “aw”, and hugs me back a lot tighter than the first time

And whilst I’m moving over to hug phil, dan says “well I hope you have a lovely time at the show tonight”

Phil also hugs me back a lot tighter than the first time, and dan again is smiling whilst I’m hugging phil

And then I say “thank you so much, seriously” and dan says “thank you!”

And as I’m turning to walk away – v v v regrettably, may I add – I’m already cursing myself for not saying any of the things I wanted to say, needed to say to them because I know I’ll never get another chance, lily shouts “Kirsten you need to take my phone!” because I need to film her meeting them so I dash over to get it and dan and phil both laugh and phil says “oh do you need to take her phone?” and then I dash back over to the other side, waving to them as I do, and say “bye then!” more cheerfully then I expected I’d be able to muster, and they smile for a second before turning their attention onto lily and I spend the next minute stood in front of them filming for her

Then we have to unfortunately leave them and get our wristbands cut off and get given our VIP tote bags and the security guard hands me my bags back, and the guy struggles to cut off my wristband because I have the vamps wristband and the standard ii wristband on already and nearly cuts me as he eventually gets it off, and then lily and I walk over to one of the back tables and she starts excitedly texting and calling people and tweeting her pictures and I just… break down.

I’d held it in – somehow – in front of them with the exception of my voice cracking, for all that time, and then was when I let it all out. Lily stopped her phonecall to comfort me, but I was inconsolable for a good two minutes at least, during which time I’d tweeted ‘well… that happened’ and people that knew I was meeting them were tweeting me back asking how it went and asking to see the pictures and the few friends I have were dming me demanding to know how it went and it was all just too much for me so I just kind of collapsed and rested my head on my arms and just let myself weep however much I wanted, I was letting out my anger at the weather, the anxiety that thankfully wasn’t at panic attack level anymore, and the overwhelming sadness that I’d fucked it all up for myself, the one chance I’ll ever have to meet them, and I didn’t fucking say anything or do anything, my mind just went blank and I was too busy putting all my self-will into not crying that I couldn’t make myself remember anything I’d told myself I needed to say

So I tweeted the pictures, people were being really really sweet and kind (thank you if you were one of these people, if you weren’t but you liked my post about it on here then thank you too), but I just couldn’t let myself believe any of it, and I couldn’t bring myself to respond to people’s questions of how it went yet, so I got the tweet collage back out and just wanted to look at their signatures, and then I noticed what phil had written in the bottom corner:

smile :) 

now I don’t know if it was because I put him on the spot to think of something to write or if it’s because he knew how obviously nervous and close to crying I was so left me a message for the future, probably the former but hopefully the latter, it still brought on a fresh wave of tears that I knew I couldn’t have held back if I tried

so once I’d cried over that, I tweeted a picture of it and immediately people started being really sweet once again and people started quote tweeting it saying how soft it was – which it is, obviously – but it will always have that deeper meaning for me, just like aw, well look where you are now! will (hence it being my twitter bio – that @ name again is bloggerhowell *clicks tongue*)

a favourable mention of a tweet reply I got to the collage was someone saying ‘lol you can tell dan wrote it bc of the scrawly writing’ when it was actually phil, he was just resting the paper on my arms whilst he wrote and I was just shaking like a leaf, which I still find p funny

then I realised that I still had my letter, nobody had come around to collect it, so I wiped my eyes (and grimaced when I saw how much of my eyeshadow came off as I did, I didn’t dare to even think of the state of my makeup) and walked up to one of the staff and asked her, and she said she’d go and check, and walked off

so naturally I took the time to take a couple of steps to the left so I could see dan and phil again, and I smiled when I saw the huge smile on the fan they were meeting at that point, deep in conversation, but there was that inevitable chest pang that that could have been me if I hadn’t frozen in place and forgotten how to fucking speak

the staff member came back and said “I can take it for you?” so I handed it to her and walked back over to the table – I don’t know where she took my letter, I didn’t think to look, so she literally could’ve thrown it away right there and then for all I know, even though the letter does have a lot of stuff in I wanted to say but knew I wouldn’t, so if they do someday read it I’ll have fucked up a little less – and took a deep breath and started replying to tweets to pass the time until everyone else met them

when the last person came out from meeting them, everyone kind of stopped talking, and everyone just turned their attention to the screen, and we all waited for dan and phil to step out, which they eventually did (and I filmed it and tweeted it, you know the drill by now) and then they waved at us, said they’d see us later and then left, at which point the staff members immediately started walking over and trying to usher us out but I was like hahahaha no mate not until my ugly ass handwriting is in the guestbook

so I fought my way to the guestbook and picked up the only remaining free pen and waited for someone to give me some room to write my own message – I ended up having to wait nearly three minutes until someone finished writing their essay long message so we could turn the page – and then wrote the most basic thing, but my hand was still shaking and I was still ridiculously warm – then we left and went to get a drink because I needed to rehydrate after crying out everything I had and then we waited until the show

which, by the way, if anyone wants me to do a post about the show (with or without spoilers, but if there are spoilers I’ll make sure to make it really clear don’t worry) then let me know, because I’d be more than happy to!

but yeah that about concludes my meeting with dan and phil, I do regret parts of it massively, I completely choked up and didn’t get to say anything I wanted to, I didn’t get full length individual pictures like I wanted, but it could also have gone a lot lot worse

at the end of the day, for all those two guys have done for me, I owe them my life, and meeting them was wholly indescribable. Should I ever have the opportunity, which I don’t think I ever will, I’ll do it again in a heartbeat, just hopefully as a more put-together, less-panicky and anxious person, less constantly on the brink of tears.

I didn’t get to thank them for the past eight years, I didn’t get to thank them for all they’ve done and continue to do for me, but I got to hug (twice) the people that have kept me going when nothing and nobody else could, and all in all that’s enough.  

[anneedmonds]

Life Update: What Have I Done?

I’ve had a slightly longer break from work than anticipated; but don’t worry, there’s nothing sinister afoot. I’m not ill, the dog didn’t die, I’ve not had a drastic facelift that meant I needed to hide behind bandages for a month. I was just absolutely shattered before Christmas and then the school holidays (aka “the great relentless abyss of no childcare”) completely finished me off.

I won’t harp on about Christmas not being a holiday – you can read this post from the same time last year and just update the kids’ ages – but it’s safe to say that having a four and two year old is as much work (possibly more) than having a three and a one year old. At least toddlers (generally) haven’t discovered eye-rolling and chat-back. At least toddlers are vaguely amused by wrapping paper, empty boxes and the jangly bell from a Lindt bunny tied to the end of a piece of ribbon. Fast-forward a year and the children now want painting games on the iPad and festive biscuit-decorating sessions.

Anyway, to cut a long and fairly pedestrian story short, I decided to take a few casual days off when school started back last week so that I actually had more than twenty seconds to myself. It was great. On the first of the two child-free days (there were four school days in total but Ted only goes to nursery part time) I stayed in bed looking for second hand velvet sofas on eBay and browsing for vintage rugs on Vinterior. On the second child-free day, which – alas – wasn’t consecutive – I went to Bath in the morning with Mr AMR, had some lunch and then sorted out the shoes and boots in the utility room. Bliss.

So that covers the two days last week when I actually had some proper time off: what of the rest of the “holiday”? What an earth have I been up to, seeing as though I’ve been on a self-imposed social media ban which theoretically should free up about nine hours a day? Here’s a run-down: brace positions, people, it’s a wild ride.

I learnt how to use the scanner thing at Sainsbury’s. Have you used these supermarket handheld beepy scanner things? I’m not talking about the self checkout tills, which are so useless and stress-inducing they make me want to chew off my own feet, I’m referring to the handsets that you pick up at the start of your shop and take around with you, zapping barcodes as you go, so that at the end of your shop you can just pay and go.

No unloading the trolley at the till only to pack it up again and then unload it into the boot of your car.  (Sounds such a ridiculous waste of time when you write it down.) No watching helplessly as your bottle of Malbec slowly rolls along the conveyor belt, straight off the end and then smashes on the floor. No performance anxiety as you try to pack your bags in front of the people waiting in the queue behind you – the pressure as you feel them judging your packing speed and dexterity! The shame as you fumble to retrieve your bag-for-life from the floor! The panic as a loose lime you’ve reached for rolls away, escaping your grasp. You can feel your audience’s eyes trained upon you – they wince as you pack heavy potatoes on top of squishy cherry tomatoes, they breathe an audible sigh of relief when you realise that the milk is leaking and ask if someone could possibly get you another.

“JANET! JANET! Six litres of full fat on checkout nine! The woman’s got a leaky one!”

None of that when you use the handheld scanner. Utter genius, it is. Although I have to say, don’t let your kids mess about with it. I almost paid for eight giant boxes of dishwasher tablets and a “Pressure King” pressure cooker.

I saved over £290 on curtain tie-backs. Yes, you heard me – £290! The one from Samuel & Sons that matched my tasselled curtain (photo above) would have been £300 inc VAT and I managed to get an (admittedly much plainer) version without the tassel but with all the same tying-back abilities in the Laura Ashley sale. Eight quid! The fact that it took me around ninety-five man hours to research alternative tie-backs is by the by. I’m pretty sure my labour costs were more than the original tie-back…

I made Yorkshire Puddings properly for the first time and they were immense. Quite literally. I put a bit too much batter into each tin and they rose to just about fill the top oven. I think one of them was almost ten inches tall. Who cares, though – more is more when it comes to Yorkshire Puddings, surely? It’s the only part of a roast dinner I’m actually bothered about. Next year at Christmas I might just make myself a giant Yorkshire and fill it with gravy. Bit of al dente broccoli. Scrap of turkey and a dollop of cranberry and I’m done.

I took the stair gate off and now Mr Bear the cat is an omnipresent menace. Honestly, life was easier when he was confined to the ground floor. Now that he has free run of the house he sneaks up on you when you’re in the shower, jumps onto your back when you’re sitting on the loo and pounces on the kids’ feet in bed. He’s having an absolute whale of a time. Although I caught him pointing his claws in the direction of my velvet upholstered Soho Home bed the other day and so the gate might have to be resurrected. It’s been so nice without it though – just walking down the stairs, freely, without having to wrestle with the lock and then risk breaking my neck tripping over the frame. We could have taken it down about a year ago if it wasn’t for the cat and his penchant for creeping about the place and using furniture to sharpen his nails…

I did a self-imposed social media ban. Which I’ve already mentioned, but it’s worth saying again: I didn’t look at any social media from the 21st of December until the other day. Amazingly, my screen time didn’t go down, but that’s because I used all of the social media time trawling the internet for furniture bargains. I reckon if you squished all of the time together, I spent a full day and night searching for stuff on Vinterior – the scrolling started to make me feel seasick! (By the way, if you want to get £50 off your first order with them use RUTH CRILLY in the code box. This isn’t a special affiliate setup – anyone who orders with them can get a code.)

Why the social media ban? I just wanted a quiet and relaxing Christmas (HA!) and to properly stop thinking about work for a couple of weeks. The thing is that I have a perpetual internal monologue as I go about my day – I almost narrate my own existence – and because of this I’m always tempted to write down every thought that I’ve had, or record every action. Quite often little things I’ve done can form the basis for a post here on A Model Recommends, or I’ll jot down a thought that will then become a bigger idea which then requires a longer sit-down with pen and paper to elaborate, and unless I absolutely switch off, one hundred percent, the temptation is always there to quickly write a caption or draft a blog post.

So I moved all of my social media apps to a different page of the iPhone menu so that they weren’t staring me in the face when I opened my phone and then I just sort of forgot about them. I can highly recommend it, at least every once in a while. I actually think I have an OK relationship with social media – I’m definitely not addicted and can easily detach myself – but still. A digital cleanse felt pretty good!

Now I’m finding it quite hard to get back to work, however – I’m dragging myself very slowly into 2020, like a giant, jumper-wearing slug. I have been setting myself absurdly basic tasks so that my brain doesn’t go into shock;

email the sofa-fixing man about fixing the sofa, ask him to fix the sofa and how much it would be to fix the sofa. Can he even fix the sofa?

How are you finding the New Year? Did you set any resolutions or do you have a masterplan for 2020? Mine is to try and be more organised with work so that I don’t feel so stressed – plan my content and commitments in advance so that I know what I need to get done, rather than just fitting in tasks at the last minute or late at night. 2020 is the year of the new, streamlined me!

The post Life Update: What Have I Done? appeared first on A Model Recommends.

Life Update: What Have I Done? was first posted on January 14, 2020 at 5:09 pm. ©2018 "A Model Recommends". Use of this feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this article in your feed reader, then the site is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact me at contact@amodelrecommends.com Life Update: What Have I Done? published first on https://medium.com/@SkinAlley

[izzpeng]

Unsent Emails

25/08/2016

To: julian.smith@jus.edu.bn

Subject: Surprise bitch, I'm back!

Dear Smithy,

First of all I would like to say, fuck you for telling me I wouldn't get an A* in maths just because I messed around in class too much. Second of all, I would like to thank you for being a fraction of motivation in my math studies. I have to admit, I liked you enough to study 10% harder than I usually do and for that you deserve a blog post dedicated to you, just kidding you worthless piece of shit who wont even dedicate your thoughts to me. But it's too late now, so you're very fortunate for even being mentioned in my oh so popular blog.

Thanks for being a great teacher/supporter/motivator/useless advisor/racist bastard/...friend. See you in the afterlife you dick.

With cold fury,

Izzati Azhan

To: roland.lopez@jis.edu.bn

Subject: God Bless the Lopez

Dear Lopezo Mighty,

You don't deserve a 'fuck you' because you knew my potential and only encouraged me day after day, with your sadistic humour and the quiet blazing fire dancing in your eyes which was the only sign that you're actually human. I'd express my gratitude in a 10,000 word essay but I'm sure you'll just read the introduction and conclusion and base my grade off those two paragraphs. But without your life coaching I would not have gotten A*A* for both my Eng Lit and Lang. Dare I say it, thank you for setting us a Date Wiv Des Tinny, those practice papers were torture each week but well worth it in the end. You are my spirit animal in all dimensions, maybe except in Hell where you'd be Satan but...

Stay Healthy Senôr!

With all my love (though you believe it is just another concept of convenience),

Izzati Azhan

To: beenal.roberts@jus.edu.bn

Subject: bust out the roti, girl its about to get some of this izzatikkamasala

Dear Beenal the Brindian,

I know I know, this time its a fuck me for getting an A and not an A* but Miss I was 3 marks of an A* if that makes you feel any better, it does with me! I actually don't feel that thankful towards you since I do feel I did hm... mostly all the work, I took the exam after all. But an email of gratitude to show manners and my kissing ass abilities can't hurt can it? So terima kasih for all the lessons you spent dramatically telling us your stories, sometimes even twice of the same one, thanks for letting me doodle in class just because you talk a lot of the time and therefore I am allowed to half listen. I wouldn't be the indian food loving person I am today without you, oh and almost forgot... of course thanks for helping me achieve that almost A*! Fuck the examiner for me next time will ya.

With all my beloved assets,

Izzati Azhan

To: andy.mcculloch@jus.edu.bn

Subject: smile at me wit ur eyes, nat yo mouth only

Dear Turquoise Eyes,

I'd like to get to know the 16 yr old you but my chance has passed. Inappropriate flirting aside, guess what sir! I got exactly what I got in the most recent geo mocks 149/180 and I thought the mocks weren't an accurate indication. I'd like to thank you for having beautiful eyes and smiling at me even though on the inside you be like "lol fucktard thats the most incorrect answer ever, like not even close." I enjoyed your classes and you're sometimes funny but not on purpose, more like weird funny yknow? I think you'd like to get credit for my success but honestly i learnt how to answer case studies properly through Ajmal through Mr Cook, so who is really my teacher here? Me. Because I taught myself to sought answers and techniques elsewhere but sure I guess you can have some credit, those eyes deserve at least a generous 5%. lol ok bye tq

With a 9 on the Ritcher Scale,

Izzati Azhan,

You guessed it, the wait is over! #gcseresults2016 was trending on twitter and the sounds of 16yr olds packing their bags, getting ready to get disowned by their parents was the most honest and lit af song this year (after Frank Ocean's Blond of course). I admit its always nerve-wracking receiving results, where a single exam determines your ability to understand (or memorise) a two year course. But I had faith that with my prayers and hard work Allah gave me the results I truly deserved, so presumably my anxiety was on the down low while my trust in God was at sky high.

Alhamdulillah I got 3A's 6A*, I was so confident I would smash an A* with Business and Art but alas the grade boundaries proved me otherwise. With three fucking marks off an A* in Business I was so irritated at which examiner marked my paper, not irritated to risk a request for a remarking though. And Art, I hoped for an A*  but instead faced it's less prestigious sibling, an A. I asked around of course, not trying to compare or anything but I just needed to know what the students who I thought was for sure going to get A* actually got, to my delightful (?) surprise they too got an A which led me to believe that scoring an A* in Art is no easy business. Business isn't easy either lmao.

To this, I must admit defeat to my mother. She's been on my back for my choice of Art as an A-level subject saying its hard to score high in Art, but my cocky ass just waved it away and dismissed it altogether. Doubt has risen up in my throat, threatening my artistic capabilities to spill out across the walls of abandoned buildings as grafitti instead of street art. So thats something to think about before Saturday Morning.

UPDATE:

I attended Enrollment day alone, my heart beating, my eyes watering and my mind wandering. I chose to do IB diploma, for many reasons. I am just so drawn to how different it is, I think of all the future local Bruneians who did A-levels asking for the sam scholarship then I imagine the MoE going through the applications like "Great a-levels, a-levels, a-levels Oooo IB whats this?" and I just feel like I would have a standing chance you know? It would also help me to mix around with more international students and prepare for the university life so when I do go to university Insyallah I wont feel vulnerable and small.

But I just feel like my mother is against me taking IB, like she's trying to be supportive by giving a tight smile and grim nods but inside I know she's not convinced and this all happened on the way to the Arts Centre which made me even feel more queasy. My Father on the other hand, gave me a genuine "Go for it" which helped me so much on every level, I just need the motivation, just that little push to help me get going, feed me a trickle more of confidence.

So I had a choice to approach either Duckling or Dickinson on my IB subjects, and okay Dickinson was full okay there was a long queue and I ended up going to Duckling because I really had no choice! hehehhehhehehhe. Anyway I waved the papers in my hand high above to indicate that I was next and he laughed and told me to come and sit, so naturally I did. He took a look at my grades and praised me and then circled my subjects that I intend on studying, giving me advice that I should only need Math Studies seeing as how I'm not thinking of a mathematical kind of career. He then said " blablablabla Youre subjects are a smart choice, I think you're good to go, Welcome to the IB program"

And that was the clarity I was searching for, that little- push.

NOT JUST BCS HE'S HIM BUT BCS I NEEDED TO HEAR IT.

Just before that, Brindian approached me asking me  about my business results and encouraging me to take that remark because I was three marks off an A* saying that theres no reason I dont deserve the A*. I was uncertain because sure it makes me feel so fucking good about myself and so very satisfied, but who really needs an A* in GCSE Business to get accepted into a University? So I made a face. The face. and She went "What do you have to lose?" And of course one thing instantly came to mind "Um money?" then she gave me a look. The look. So I said I'll think about it and apparently only 1 or 2 students got A*. The thing is I actually would get it remarked if my Art grade also got bumped up to an A* but I have no idea what Ms Stroud is trying to do by contacting the exam board?

So thats that, she asked me about my ever so popular brother. So I told him oh he did well, she asked about which university and I replied Leicester and I told her that Im actually going off and missing 3 weeks of school. Then she went "oh you know Leicester's my hometown, in what area is he living because Im there in December" and i was like wtf creepy. And she continued saying "Oh Imagine if we just bumped into each other on the streets" and I was going to say something awkward because like what the fuck right? But Mr Duckling was open and ultimately saved me and she gestured me to go ahead.

After that, Mr mcluck approached me well not really, well kind of but it was super fucking awkward because I was waiting for my turn with Mrs Krüger and he was on the table nearby and made eye contact and he smiled and I returned it and i was like fuck am i suppose to go over lmao so i slowly sat down while he came over to me. YAKNOW gotta play hard to get. SO again he asked me are you happy with you results blablablabla were you nervous getting your results so I told him that I wasnt as nervous because other people were like "oh my life is over" and he laughed and blablablabla just mostly nodding and smiling. Then he asked me about my brother's results hi ok 2nd teacher to ask about my brother cool. I gave him a vague oh he did well and told him Leicester University on 18th September and I added that I was actually going to send him off and missing 3 weeks of school. Blablbalbalbalabl then he finally asked about IB saying that oh great choice.

And Wendy told me that at the YC Mcluck was talking about me to wendy asking me what I got and he saying that i Was exceptional kekekekkekekekk fuck man his eyes are so blue, dont think about it dont think about. Did i tell you I had a dream of him as Ben Affleck like wtf, first of all why would I even dream about him, maybe it was because I crossed his mind like just the night before omg. but whatever. Idk that made me feel so good about myself. Then Brindian thought that Fatin was Hana and approached Fatin and Wendy haahhahahahah and somehow started talking about me?? Like boi they both love me so much, I wonder if Lopez or Julibear bear talks about me like that. Sigh imagine

Smithy: Shes a fucking pain in the ass

Lupez: Intelligent fucking pain alright

Smithy and Lupez: But she's our pain in the ass.

OMGGGGGGGGG I loved all my GCSE teachers and classes! like those were the best days of my JIS experience so far. Art was super chill, she let us sing out loud together saying that we were the only class who did that and that she'll miss us :(((((((( Smithy couldnt care less, he just moved on click like that. Anyway, hope everyone got what they expected with their results or better and just remember kids, grades DO define who are and where you'll be in life. lol goodluck fam.

Izzati