#i slept yesterday from 5 am to 1 pm

[luminlunii]

I have sat at my desk drawing and farting around for like I think eight hours? And I have not in fact finished any art. I was updating my commission info carrd and making scheduled posts for the rest of the month

This what I have after two hours and then some

I have gotten up like

less than five times

I'm feeling as right as rain (which is funny because it's raining and thundering rn) I'm doing great :)

[0310s]

gently, by your side | jaehyun

members: myung jaehyun x gender neutral reader

genre: college au, angst, comfort, best friends! to ???, more platonic stuff in this one

tags/warnings: extensive discussions of mental health and chronic/mental illness, y/n is not okay. :(

summary: jaehyun finds you after a bad week.

wc: 2.7k

a/n: this fic’s title comes from this lovely song. as someone who’s struggled with both chronic and mental illness, it really takes someone strong and amazing to keep on going, despite everything. most of the dialogue in this comes from my own musings and experiences with mental health. i wrote this for a dear mutual of mine! i hope better days will come for you soon, whenever that may be. meanwhile, i hope this gives you comfort when things are tough! sending lots of love <3 

𓉞⋆｡˚☁︎｡⋆

5 days ago 1:28 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

(y/n) we haven’t seen each other in such a loooong time imy :(( i mean i KNOW it’s just been a couple of days since we last hung out but still!!!!!!! when are we seeing each other again !!!! tell me ur schedule QUICK !!!!

4 days ago 6:33 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

heeeeyyyyyyyyy (with the intention to hang out) heeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyy reply to meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!! tell me when ur free pls i miss u :((

3 days ago 11:58 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

hey i didn’t see u at the party today i thought u said u were going last week!!!  also i asked around and people said they haven’t seen u around recently??? and they don’t know what ur up to

2 days ago 2:05 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

heeeyyyy ?????????? did i do smth?????  or are u just really busy w school and work idk either way pls just let me know :(( i won’t bother u if ur rlllyyy busy

10:35 PM sorry if i’m being annoying btw

Yesterday  11:32 PM 🐶 cutie puppy

ok i thought about it reaaaaaallly hard and i don’t think i’ve done anything to make u mad or upset w me??? well aside from that time last last week that u got mad at me for accidentally messing w ur computer and deleting ur work files WHICH IM LIKE REALLY SORRY FOR but i fixed it!!!!! i thought we were good alrd!!! are u still mad at me 4 that ?

1:00 AM (y/n)?

1:28 AM idk  i thought i was ur best friend :(( did smth change???

2:47 AM pls pls reply :(( i know we can talk this out i don’t want us to not be ok

Today  3:00 PM 🐶 cutie puppy i’m coming over.

𓉞⋆｡˚☁︎｡⋆

Sitting up from your bed, your heart thuds in anxiety as you quickly scroll through your chat history with Jaehyun. Your eyes hurt and your brain feels especially foggy, like you’re looking at the world through a particularly cloudy lens. How long did you sleep? The last thing you recall was working on your assignments last night, then choosing to sleep instead when you got overwhelmed. Even then, you slept fitfully. You remember setting an alarm at 9 AM today to continue working, but even as you sat at your desk, you couldn’t type a single sentence on your laptop. Everything felt muddled and it was as if you couldn’t understand anything at all. Even the cups of coffee you drank in desperation was of no use keeping you alert; all it did was make you palpitate.

Then you gave up, went back to bed, and you’re here now. Checking the chat timestamps, you realize you haven’t replied to Jaehyun’s messages in almost a week, which has never happened before—you talk almost everyday, even multiple times a day. Jaehyun’s last message was at 3 PM, when he said he’d come over. One look at your screen shows you it’s already 3:20. If you’ve memorized his schedule right, it takes your best friend thirty minutes to get to your dorm from his Fundamental Maths class. That means you have ten more minutes to get your shit together and clean your mess of a room. 

But right when you’ve mustered the energy to stand up, you hear a series of knocks on your door. That can’t be— “(Y/n), open up, I know you’re in there!” Jaehyun’s voice echoes from outside the door. “I asked your dormmate and she said you haven’t left your room since yesterday, so there’s no use pretending!” Shit, shit, shit! You immediately spring up and hastily fold your blankets and organize your desk, throwing away stray food wrappers and plastic cups. You open your blinds to let some air in, and the bright sunlight makes your head throb even more. 

On your way to the door, you spot yourself in the mirror. There’s no other word for it—you look like utter shit. Your eyebags are dark and prominent, your hair disheveled from tossing and turning in your sleep. You look horrendous, but Jaehyun is persistently knocking on your door, so you have no choice but to fix yourself up as fast as you can. You splash water on your face and smoothen down your hair and open the door—then there’s Jaehyun in all his glory. Your heart clenches seeing him; he looks as handsome as always, his bangs fluffy and soft and his letterman jacket fashionably oversized. He looks nothing like you in your ratty T-shirt with coffee stains and pajama shorts. His hand is halfway raised, positioned to knock at your door (he could and would probably do it all day if he had to). Upon seeing you, he blurts out: “Did I do something?”

Instead of answering him, you open your door wider as an invitation, and Jaehyun takes the hint, stepping into your dorm. Once the door is shut, Jaehyun peers at your messy room and remarks, “Wow. When was the last time you cleaned up? You’re usually not like this.”

You know he didn’t mean it like that, but his comment stings at you all the same. “Sorry, Jaehyun,” you snap, “not everyone can be at 200% energy all the time like you.” At his hurt expression, you backtrack. “Sorry, that was really rude of me.”

“It-It’s fine,” Jaehyun replies confusedly. Then he looks straight at you, eyes pleading. He’s picking at the stray thread hanging from his jacket, a habit you’ve come to known is something he does when he’s nervous. “You know what, I thought about it. For days, really, if I did anything that would make you mad and ignore me. But I couldn’t come up with anything at all. I was really worried when you didn’t reply to me for days on end, especially when we talk everyday. So if I did something, can—can you just tell me? I just want us to be okay.”

Your throat closes up and your heart pounds even faster, making you feel dizzy. You have no idea how to answer him, when all he’s ever seen of you is the perfect student who does everything right, who’s smart and good at what they do without any flaws or exceptions. How would he react if he saw you for who you really were?

The words can’t form in your mouth, and out of frustration at yourself, you tear up. Jaehyun notices this, eyes widening in worry, “(y/n), baby, no, no,” and pulls you into his arms. Almost instantly, the tears cascade down your face and sobs wrack your body. You feel pathetic crying in your best friend’s arms, but Jaehyun just soothes a hand up and down your back as you break down. His other arm is wrapped around your shoulders, and it feels like your anchor when you’re drowning in all your troubles. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he says in a hushed tone, “let it all out.” You grip his jacket even tighter as you bury your face in his chest. 

When was the last time you’ve ever been hugged like this? The last time you’ve ever been truly vulnerable to anyone without that mask of perfection you often don? The last time you felt safe just being yourself? You have no idea. All you know that is in the circle of Jaehyun’s arms, you want to be small and imperfect and yourself just this once.

After your cries die down, Jaehyun clears his throat. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I don’t know what it is I did, but I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

“It’s not you, Jaehyun,” your voice is muffled by both your sniffles and Jaehyun’s chest. You don’t want Jaehyun to get the wrong idea that he’s hurt you in some way because of how broken he sounds thinking he’s done something to make you sad. “It’s just. Me.”

“You? What do you mean?” Jaehyun leads you into your room from the doorway. He’s holding your hand and doesn’t let go even when you both settle at the edge of your bed. His palm is warm and his grip loose enough in case you want to let go; you don’t. While you muster up the courage to speak, your best friend just sits there, waiting patiently. “It’s okay, whatever you say, I’m not going anywhere.” You don’t know that for sure, but him saying that makes you want to be truthful just this once, damn the consequences.

You take a deep breath, focusing on your intertwined fingers. You’re too scared to look at his face because you don’t want to see his reaction. “Jaehyun, what kind of person do you think people see me as?”

“Well…” He takes a moment to think about it. “Someone smart, talented, and who gets stuff done?”

In turn, you let out an resigned exhale. “Well, that’s the image I project. Of someone who’s perfect… someone who does things effortlessly. People think it comes easy to me. But it doesn’t. When people tell me that I didn’t need much effort to get to where I am now, I feel undermined. When I express I’m having a hard time, people brush it off and think I’m just overreacting. Because they think I’m perfect all the time. But honestly…? That’s the farthest thing from the truth."

Glancing up from your hands, you scan your room—your desk is a mess of papers and assignments that you have yet to get to. You can’t tell when the last time you spent time being actually productive when what you’ve been is fatigued out of your mind. When you try to sit at your desk and work, all you feel is difficulty concentrating and processing work and readings. Sleep has also proven to be elusive—no matter how long you lie in bed, you never feel well-rested. Simple actions and decisions require so much energy from you that you undeniably lack. You also constantly compare yourself to others, whom things like these come natural to them. But you’ve kept these feelings of yours secret for a long time—you’re utterly terrified that you’d be undermined for being useless and overly sensitive.   

“(Y/n)?” Jaehyun squeezes your hand, and you turn to meet his eyes. His eyes are sincere and kind. “I-I know I may not be the most empathic person, but I promise I’ll hear you out without judging you. I want to be here for you… and I hope you’ll let me. Please?” 

At this, you spill everything you’ve been feeling the past weeks—months, even—to Jaehyun. You stumble over your words and your breath gets caught in your throat, but he’s there to pat your back and to encourage you to keep going. Without you knowing, tears make their way down your face once again, and Jaehyun uses his other hand to gently brush them away. “It just gets so hard that I want to just. Give everything up. I don’t know what the use of trying so hard is when I see how other people don’t need this much effort to do even the most basic of tasks. It’s just so… unfair.”

When you’re finished with your rant, you don’t know what to expect from Jaehyun—but you’re stunned to see him crying. He’s sniffling and wiping at his eyes furiously. “Why…” You have no idea what he’s about to say, but you brace yourself for the worst. “Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” he whispers brokenly. “I didn’t know you were having such a difficult time. I feel like such a shitty friend for not even noticing. I’m sorry, (y/n).” Jaehyun’s eyes fill with tears and he starts “I… I thought we were best friends.” The best friends tell each other everything goes unsaid, but you know exactly what he meant.

“I…” You feel awful now for making Jaehyun cry. “You’re just. You just naturally have all this limitless energy. You’re…” Normal. Not like me. “I don’t know how if you were going to take me seriously if I told you what I was going through… There were times I’d see you, and I’d be so disappointed in myself for not being like you. And I was so scared that if I did tell you, I’d be letting you down.”

Jaehyun’s expression grows more miserable at this. “I-I’m sorry, (y/n), I never meant to make you feel unheard. And I never meant for it to feel like you couldn’t tell me about these things.” 

“It-It’s not your fault, Jaehyun,” you protest, but he shakes his head, obviously disappointed in himself.

“No, (y/n), I’m supposed to be your best friend. How stupid can I be if I can’t notice when you’re having a hard time? I didn’t even stop to ask how you’ve been doing because you seemed to be doing fine. But I should’ve known better. I shouldn’t have taken things at face value. I’m such an idiot,” Jaehyun berates himself. “I’m so, so sorry.” 

At his sincere apology, you can’t help but admit it to yourself—you desperately needed Jaehyun’s support as your best friend, but you were too scared to ask for it. And honestly? You felt immensely lonely without his words and presence to comfort you. 

“(Y/n), I hope you know that I see how hard you work. I know your sleepless nights and how much effort you put into every single thing you do. Despite everything you’re going through, you’re always trying to be better than the person you were yesterday, and it’s something I truly admire about you. But I hope you know it’s okay to be imperfect and flawed and to not be okay. I want to be here on your good and bad days. I just wish I could’ve been more vocal about this earlier… I’ve really taken you for granted, huh?” Jaehyun sighs wetly, taking your hand in both of his. He’s still crying; you both are, actually. What a silly pair the two of you make. 

“Thank you for trusting me and sharing all of this. It literally means the world to me,” Jaehyun rambles. “I promise I’ll be a better friend to you, someone you feel safe opening up to about anything, whether that be your achievements or your struggles. And (y/n), if it’s not too much to ask… Could I ask you to be more honest with me in the future?” He stares at you imploringly. “I don’t want you to think you have to go through all of this alone. I want to be here for you the same way you’ve always been there for me… Okay?”

“....Okay. Okay, I’ll try,” you respond softly. “Thank you, Jaehyun. I… I’ve never told anyone about this before. But thank you so much for just listening, and not judging, and accepting me for me…” While you appreciate Jaehyun’s presence at this moment, a new wave of fatigue washes over you with all this emotional vulnerability and talking. “Jaehyun… I’m still feeling really tired, so I might go back to sleep. Sorry, I know you came all the way here to see me, but here I am being shit company,” you apologize regretfully.

“Oh! That’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow?” Jaehyun stands up from your bed to leave. When your fingers slip from each other, you feel an acute loss of warmth—both in your hands and in your heart. He makes his way to the door, slipping on his shoes, and your heart sinks. There’s something you badly want to ask of Jaehyun, but you’re too much of a coward to tell him what you truly want. You don’t want to be on your own right now, but you’d probably be asking too much of him. Accepting your fate, you settle in bed, attempting to take a nap so restless you’re sure will be of no help to your exhaustion.

However, Jaehyun himself stops in the doorway. He turns back around, a distraught look on his face. “(Y/n)... I don’t want to assume, but are you sure you want to be alone right now?” he begins. “I mean, we just had this really heavy talk. Can… Can I keep you company? I promise I’m great at cuddles—that’s what all my other friends say anyway when I annoy them with my hugs.”

When you nod, that’s all it takes for Jaehyun to shuck off his shoes, strip his jacket, and climb into bed with you. With your ear against his steady heartbeat and his comforting arm around you, you’re asleep in no time. It’s the best you’ve ever slept in months.

[a66-1]

starving

part 1 | part 2 [you're here!]

Simon x Fem!Insecure!Reader.

finally got the idea for part 2. excited?

me too

TW: Talk of ed's, negative self talk, low self esteem, bad mouthing (from reader to herself, comes with the territory) cursing, self harm. i tried not to be too descriptive with the reader, so EVERY insecure girlie who reads this feels seen.

semi proofread bc who cares

The next morning was exhausting as the last.

You got up early to go running. If you ever have the chance, you run until the sun comes up. You need to stay fit if you want a boyfriend. It was easier when you were on your meds. Almost like you had the will to live those mornings.

You were back at the house around 8 am. You weren't scheduled for work today so... You headed back to bed and really, just slept the day away

You woke up around 5 pm. 5, really? God, you are just some depressed child.

You got out of bed for the second time, and changed into a dress. It was hard seeing yourself in a dress after 2 years. You stopped going out because alcoholism and anti-depressants aren't really two peas in a pod, are they?

Well this is why you quit. You dropped your therapist and your meds because you were better, and your mom stopped helping with the payments, and now you can go back to partying.

Minus the heavy drinking.

Hopefully.

You tear your eyes off yourself. If you stare too long, you'll end up convincing yourself to stay in bed longer. You configure the rest of your outfit, and grab a small black purse. Throwing your phone in it, you leave the house quicky. If you don't, you might properly convince yourself you're just as ugly as you thought..

The drive to the bar was silent, save from the honking cars around you. Fuck, what if this is the wrong idea? I mean the looks everyone will give you, you look so bad and so ugly and god this was such a bad--

You hear a car honk behind you. The light turned green. You lower your head, sighing, and taking a left.

Once at the bar, you slip into one of the seats nearer the back, feeling uncomfortable in the seat. Adjusting your dress down, you cringe while looking around the bar. There's so many pretty women here, and comparatively you are way under them.

You order a drink, sipping on the alcohol for the first time in months. Fuck, your therapist would be losing it if she knew you not only stopped meds but started drinking again...

You rested your head in your palm, watching others interact. Pretty women just have a way with men, a way you've never had. The buzz of the alcohol was enough to make you not question why nobody has interacted with you, other than the bartender. People probably think your such a loser, I mean, who would just sit here and drink--

"Hey. You're, uh.. That girl from yesterday right?" A gruff voice appears behind you. You flinch forward, whipping your head around.

Oh. This guy.

You slowly put your drink down, your palm over the top of it.

"And who are you?" You ask, eyeing the man. He didn't have his mask on. He was... Really cute.

"A customer." He sat next to me, his eyes trained on mine. I felt sort of flushed under his gaze.

Fuckin' small world.

You spent some of the night talking with him. Still don't know his name, or why you ran into him here, but you don't care nonetheless.

You were looking for sex this night but... Is a connection so bad?

Like you could make a connection with someone who is out of your league.

thank god i finished this. 3 drafts later, and im sorry its kinda short. trust part 3 is gonna have the good stuff, this is kinda a filler so it can get to the good stuff.

ily babes...

-a661

taglist:

@i-am-hungry-24-7 @arminarlertssword @haven-1307

[that-one-weird-kid-from-school]

Oh me oh my, I really fucking hate time!

Yeah, I know, I have been complaining a lot about time recently, but even if I made 3 2-mile long posts a week for 5 months and 11 days straight about how much I despise time, that would only show a third of my pure hatred for time.

Every day I go to sleep; and every time I go to sleep, I never expect to wake up tomorrow, I never expect tomorrow to come, yet every time I do; every day when I am thrust into reality, it never feels right, it always feels like this shouldn't be happening, but I just gotta deal with that and wait until I fall back asleep only to eventually wake up again, wake up tomorrow.

Up until soon, I did not think of anything when I went to sleep, I wasn't expecting tomorrow, blissfully not thinking about time, but I now think about time, and the more that I think about time, the more I despise it; so recently, when I go to sleep, the only thing that I think about is how much I wished and begged for tomorrow not to come, to not wake up tomorrow.

But tomorrow always comes.

But today, I had a plan to outsmart time: if I willingly chose to sleep all day, then there wouldn't have been no tomorrow, because tomorrow never came, because I slept through all of tomorrow.

So that is what I tried to do, when I felt myself waking up, I chose to not open my eyes, I stayed in sleep mode, I stayed in my blissful state of mind where there is no time for so long; but eventually, I have been woken up at 1:30 PM, apparently, the package that I ordered has arrived; the plan has to go on hold, I need my beads.

And so, I went outside to get my package; on the way there, I got new string, and also, I saw an amazing notebook, it worked perfect for my plan; also, that was a fine notebook, and I know what I'm saying, I have seen my fare share of notebooks, I have a whole library of notebooks, that notebook was very thick, but sadly, it was a yearly notebook, so I need to wait for the next year to come.

That journey took a lot out of me, I did not drink any alcohol but, every minute that passed, I felt less and less sober, my brain is fogging up every moment that I don't watch piercing fail reaction videos; in the end, I went home half the man I used to be, but at least I got my beads; but when I checked the time, I saw that it was 5 PM, how the fuck did that happen, I went outside immediately after I woke up; the crazier part still was when I got distracted for about 10-30 minutes, it suddenly got to 9 PM, like, no fucking time has passed and now it's dark!

I swear, time really wants me to fucking die.

But, I can hear you from the other side of the screen, with your little nose, saying something like, "I get it, man. Time is an ever-present force that affects us equally. No matter how much we run away from it, we can never escape, time always catches up. And even if we die, time will still keep going; if the entire human race dies one day, time will still exist forever more. We are nothing but ants trying to lie in such an immovable reality called time." Shut the fuck up; you don't know what we're saying, you bitch-ass; go get some real problems and then talk to me.

Or you might be saying something like "what's your deal with time, dude? i get how it feels when you lose track of time and then it flies by. but when you pay attention to it, it is pretty reliable. i don't see why you hate time so much" To that I say: good for you, go sit in the corner right there and be ignorantly blissful and don't bother me; I don't want to explain to you the horrors that I experience every day, but in short, I have a fucked up sense of time, 5 hours ago genuinely feel like yesterday; and trying to make a reason to that is a fucking nightmare.

It really seems like time wants me to die earlier than I would usually do, but I won't do it yet, I have a job to do; if I hear another word come out of your goddam mouth, I swear to fucking god, I'm gonna punch your chest so hard that it breaks your internalized clock; we'll see who's laughing now when that constant ticking and tacking drives you so mad that it leads you into doing desperate actions!

I swear, this time thing is going to be the death of me...

[jordanandegypt]

Zürich, Switzerland

Tuesday, Sept 10, 2024

Greetings All.  We are in Zurich trying to change our body clocks by 6 hours.  Easier said than done.  We flew yesterday from Detroit to Amsterdam and the idea is to sleep the night away as we transverse the Atlantic - but both Mark and I got maybe 2 - 2.5 hours of sleep during our 7 hour flight.  We left Detroit at 6:30 PM and arrived 7 hours later in Amsterdam at 8:30 AM their time. - but at 1:30 AM our time.  We had a short layover (1 hr and 25 minutes) but in Amsterdam this is JUST enough time to get to your next flight - so we got to the gate and boarded.  The flight from Amsterdam to Zürich is only an hour and while I may have slept on that flight it was not more than 20 minutes.

We got a pretty pricey cab from the airport to our hotel - but we could not face figuring out public transportation as tired as we were.  Sadly - our hotel room was not ready.  We opted for a leisurely lunch in which Mark had cold spicy melon soup and I have garam marsala butter chicken - both delicious - but really all we wanted was a bed to stretch out on.  (Don’t worry I will not tell you everything we eat!!) After lunch we got the news that our room still wasn’t ready and I did something I have NEVER done - feel asleep in a chair in the lobby of the hotel.  But by 3:30 we were in our hotel and we opted for naps - until 5:00.  Hopefully bedtime will come easily...

Enough about us…. Let’s get to our adventure...

The theme for this trip is “OLD STUFF.”  We will start with "real old" and work our way to "OMG WAY WAY OLD."  We, in the US, get so excited when we see a structure from the late 1600s  or early 1700s - but that is a joke in this part of the world - kinda a “baby building.”  

So let’s start with Zürich Switzerland - our current “home."

From what we have seen, Zürich is a beautiful city surrounded by the foothills of the Alps mountains located at the northern end of Lake Zürich and built on Limmat River (pronounced “Limit” that flows from Lake Zürich.  This city has a history going back centuries. 

The town was founded by the Romans a bit over 2,000 years ago. Recent excavations show evidence of settlement even before that -  over 6,400 years ago. 

We explored the old city from about 5:30 to 9:00 - or 17:30 to 21:00 - as any citizen of the world would say - with a a few exceptions - like us.

Surprises:  There are no “walk/don’t walk” signs - pedestrians just have the right of way - PERIOD!

There is graffiti everywhere - I was shocked!

EVERYONE smokes!  Or it seems that way.  DISGUSTING!

I went to buy our 24 hour pass for public transportation and was told to just keep in with us.  If asked we would have to show it - but there is no check in - check out system.  Trust, my friends.

Things we expected:  Public transportation options would be numerous and easy to use and very clean.

People would be helpful and kind

Things would be EXPENSIVE.

We took the tram to old town and at one point saw this:

While we were listening to  this:  

Kind of eye and ear candy.

I think I forgot to say what the Swiss flag looked like - so here you go…

We ate dinner at an outdoor cafe - late - (when in Rome, so they say) and it was outstanding.  Mark had cold roast beef with horseradish sauce and I had “Rösti” with smoked salmon, onions, capers and a dill sauce.  OMG!!!

Rösti is shredded potatoes fried in butter and made into a mound.  You can get lots of different kinds of “Rösti’ and I highly recommend it.  Split with someone  - it is huge.  (It will be breakfast for us tomorrow.)

Tomorrow - we will explore more than the transportation system.  I’m going to bed. It is 22:00 here and I'm hoping to wake up for the first - and maybe only - presidential debate - which would be 3:00 AM here. If I do - I'll watch it live. If I don't - I will be more rested when I watch it later Either way - we are in Zürich rooting for Kamala!!

CIAO!  (Yes - they say that here too)

[achronicwitch]

Just Five Minutes day 5/10

Tuesday, June 11, 2024

I slept from 4:00 pm yesterday to 8:00 am this morning. I may have gotten up to use the bathroom, eat, and drink but if I did I don't remember. I barely remember yesterday at all.

So today is going to be an adventure! Allons-y!

Self-Assessment: Much better, but shaky and stiff.

Domestic Assessment: Better than expected. We need to do a general tidy, clean up the baklava mess, and sweep/mop the floors.

If I can only Just Five once it's going to have to be a general tidy-up.

Just Five #1: The Husband and I worked together to get the household mess picked up, plus he took out the upstairs trash.

Just Five #2: I vacuumed upstairs. The Husband put some pork and non-tomato-based sauce in the crockpot for pulled pork. (Adopted Family Member is allergic to tomatoes.) What we don't eat we'll freeze.

[makemeanangelpure]

🩵May 30, 2024 - 113.0

🪽Day 1 of the 442 hour liquid fast

🤍I’m 13.5 hours in, 428 hours to go

☕️Today’s Cal limit: 140

I slept roughly 2 hours. Trouble falling asleep, waking up to pee every hour or thirty minutes and needing a minuscule sip of water. A little tired now but I’ll have my 5 hour energy and finish my 50 cal of coffee and go into a 7.5 hour shift. Truck day, so essentially 3 hours of cardio/weight lifting for me and 5 hours of on my feet slight lifting and reviving material. I’ll burn a good amount of extra calories today and tomorrow though, no truck then just the repackaging, maybe a few heavier things to haul around. I’m going to have one stall of celery when I get home. I’ll wait to have it at 7:42 pm where my partner can witness, alongside 2 baby carrots. That’ll put me at 75 cal for the day, and I get home around 1:30, so ill have a cup of tea while I wait for time to go, run the dishwasher and restock that, bath and shower, maybe wait to shave Thursday. Yesterday I drank a hard mike and a hard peach tea, ate a few things, threw up beforehand. Ended at 775. After I drank I didn’t have an urge to eat which is unusual but I’m assuming because I took medicine. It’s for adhd, not mine but I took it because I’d been thinking about it, thinking I might take one once a week and they’d never notice, just so I won’t get hungry. They’ve been taking it a few days and have been barely eating, I ate more than then the past two days and wanted to wring my own neck. They keep telling me about items of clothing getting looser, about our friends telling them they look like they lost weight, and they have, they do look different than a few months back. They’re taller than me and we’re in the 200-210 range and are now 189-199 and when you’re bigger, it comes off faster, it’s more noticeable. Really said something that messed with me yesterday.. and it was ignorance.. that if 10 pounds on me wasn’t that much different to them why would 10 more pounds be.. which they’ve seen pictures of me when I was 15-20 pounds lighter, they just haven’t been around me like that. I was heavier.. 10 pounds heavier than I am now when I started living here last year and if they don’t notice how I’ve dropped weight and my fucking face isn’t so round after just 10 pounds, I’ll just have to make them see and if anything they’ll feel a difference when they lift me up. Always picking me up around the house and carrying me places, jostling me but I want it to be easier. I want to hear them say that I feel lighter in some kind of form or fashion. The goal is to be 20 pounds lighter by June 28 so I’d be 93 which would break my old low weight:94, from 3 fucking years ago now. A baby shower on the 22 to go to so by then I’m going to try to be 97 for. The mother is someone who always copied me in highschool, and afterward and I just want her to really see how different we are. I also want to be the thinnest at a friend group gathering and I want her nosey mother to gossip to the others about how “ sick” I look. I want to eat a piece of cake with them and have it look seamless for me, because I’ll have worked hard to not worry about 350 cal of sugar for a day or whatever. To eat a little of what is made, not finish my food or my cake, and throw a tiny bit away.. like a quarter I guess. On Friday I’ll weigh and measure my waist, on the 22 I’m measure everything and then again on the 28. I last weighed last Friday so I’m going off that. My period seemed to skip a month but it’s irregular anyhow. My partner said it’s cause I’m not eating enough but I beg to differ. A lot of my days have been 1000-2000 days the past few weeks. I think it’s stress related. By the 28th, I’m going to drink again. Get blush wine and have two cups to celebrate things being better and I’ll be smaller and feel more put together, feel prettier when we get kissy buzzy and cuddle up close. Saturday I’m making a favorite dinner for them… I’m going to pick the smallest chicken for myself, cut it in half and then cut it into ( I’ll figure out how many pieces) 7 pieces of course 44 for a bite, 313 roughly for the whole chicken. One bite cause it’s a 75 cal day. I know he’ll cut it for me and be sweet.

[becauseiamnotanelephant]

Italy Day 3

None of us slept well last night - Hannah's body clock is not ready for bed even at midnight here (6 PM our time) and the playfulness of the swinging bed was definitely not helping. She ended up in our bed but between her moving around, vespas zipping down the adjacent street outside our window, and people talking outside, it was way past 1 AM before we were all finally asleep. The problem was that we had to check out by 10 AM but also be back at our car by 10 AM (15 minute walk away) and pay for more parking or find a new spot. I was up early to blog and plan out the day, finally waking everyone up from being fast asleep at 9:10 to scramble out of the apartment. Everything worked out fine, and then we had some time to explore Ostuni during the daylight.

It was already brutally hot and walking on the hills and steps with the stroller caused us to get lemon granitas before 11 AM. We walked around most of the town - with the stroller and a cranky 3 year old who complained at all requests to walk on her own, exploring all the little nooks and crannies was not possible. Once we'd exhausted ourselves and felt like we got the gist, we got back in the car and headed to our final destination tonight, Lecce.

Along the way, we stopped at was noted as a beautiful town, Mesagne. We got intercepted by a playground, and once we could pull Hannah away, finally got to the old town center. It was beautiful, but like Martina Franca yesterday, our timing meant that the town was totally shut down for lunch. We ended up finding a small bar that served panini and found that we had some of the best caprese sandwiches we'd ever had. This is how it goes here - totally unseeming places serve the best food because why shouldn't they? Everything is good here and it doesn't take much effort. I will never understand why this isn't possible in the US.

After lunch we decided it was too hot to do much else, so drove to San Cataldo to go to the beach. We found a small resort so we could rent some chairs and an umbrella. It was not the best spot, but from what I remember about biking through San Cataldo last time, it was sort of a vacant feeling town, so things lined up. The wind was intense and so while the view was beautiful and the water was the perfect temperature, it was way too rough for us to go swimming. We stayed by the shore to splash around until Hannah was bored and just played in the sand and collected shells for an hour.

After our terrible experience with parking last night, we feared it could only be worse on Saturday night, so we left the beach by 5:30 to get to Lecce and find a spot. Turns out we didn't have too much trouble, but that's because there was a soccer match and everyone seemed to be at the stadium. We know this only because we had to drive through all the stadium traffic to get to Lecce - and it's totally crazy. People just park on the side of the highway and walk to the stadium, the police close the main sections of the highway, and people are all walking in the street. It was a beast getting through the traffic (we have yet to have one easy access to our airbnb's; with locked or broken doors, parking nightmares, or crazy traffic), but we made it to Lecce finally and found our apartment. This apartment is amazing - huge, bright, and really interesting design features, but just a little treacherous for even adults with all the stairs - even stairs within a room.

We went out to get dinner and walking around Lecce, it is noticeably more metropolitan than the other cities. A larger city, wider sidewalks, more people of color, more expensive stores - they call this the Florence of Southern Italy, and it certainly has that feel. It also has so many bars and restaurants that you could probably eat at a new place every night for a year with no repeats.

Being Saturday night, many restaurants were already booked, so we ended up finding a place that seemed unremarkable, but the food was amazing - the orecchiette and pomodoro sauce was simple and delicious, the pizza was great, the fava beans and chicory was really good, and even the cold cooked vegetable appetizer was great.

With full stomachs, we walked all over the town, and then had our gelato dessert. Hannah turned into a chocolate disaster, and I found a gelateria that I liked from last time I was here that was as good as I remembered.

Back at our apartment I did a much needed load of laundry, Hannah played some games I brought, and we finally made it to bed.

[umflowers]

i 'laid down for a nap' yesterday at 2:30 pm my time (if you're in the uk, 7:30 pm) and slept for 11 hours/woke up at 1:30 am (6:30 am uk) and i have literally since waking up 5 hours ago: - uploaded and gifed 2 interviews each for lewis and george - uploaded george's parc ferme interview - half-completed a sweep of socials content to upload - uploaded lewis' and george's team radios from the end of the sprint race - timestamped the sprint race for later gifing - done a sweep of photog sites and uploaded everything (including getty, which is a multi-layer process now bc watermark removers fucking suck since they shored up their protections) i still have to: - gif george's parc ferme interview - download, clip, piece together, transcribe, and upload george's post-quali press con interview - upload lewis' and george's radio from the end of qualifying - timestamp quali for later gifing - finish the socials sweep - check ig tagged for the both of them oh and the driver's parade starts in 2 minutes and that starts a whole new wave of content/stuff to do :) :) :)

[brokenlibrarygirl]

so I need a bit of a vent…

My parents have been in town since the 14th. I love them dearly but they treat me like I’m 17, not almost 49.

My townhouse/condo has two switches in my kitchen that can be temperamental. One is for the overhead light (which will flicker or not turn on completely every 50th-100th time) the other is for the garbage disposal (which won’t turn on 5% of the time on the first try).

I live with it because it doesn’t bother me, it’s not completely broken, and I don’t want strangers in my home. Monday comes and the kitchen light doesn’t turn on immediately. Of course this is an emergency for the two of them. I wake up and they tell me, I flip the switch and it turns on. But, of course, “We HaVe To Get It FiXEd.”

I tell my mother, that she needs to call and take care of everything. The company “allegedly” will be here the same day. 7 hours later, they have to reschedule to today. I was fine with that. I slept 11 hours that night because of the anxiety the day caused. After a quiet day yesterday; I was ready for today.

So parents go to overnight with friends and make me get up before 6 am. (4:50am if you need to know) I get the reconfirm call for the appt. at 9 am. I’m to get a call 30-45 minutes prior to arrival. OK. I’m chill, and enjoying the alone time.

When 1 pm rolls around, I get a bit annoyed. I’ve been up for 7 hours, It’s been 4 hours and no call. From Mondays’s experience I knew not to call. At 2pm my mom calls to check in. I tell her I’m cancelling if they reschedule again. I used a lot of F words to emphasize my anger.

For context I worked retail/customer service for 10 years between my teens and twenties. I know that a lot of things are out of control for service workers. I am empathetic and patient. You really have to fuck up or waste a shit-ton of my time until I lose patience. I work with middle schoolers…..

2:30 rolls up with a call from the company offering a gift certificate if I reschedule for next week. I said, as calmly as I could, “I’m sorry, but I’ve already wasted two days on this, I’m going to have to cancel.”

If you work as a an electrician for a company that claims same day service, QUIT!! I would rather know what day and time you’ll be at my home, even if it is three days from now, than waste 72 hours waiting for “same day service.”

[jodilin65]

SATURDAY, MAY 29, 1993 I would’ve been going to L.A. tomorrow, but now it’s the 7th of June, so I’ve been told. If I don’t make it there, I’ll want to kill Scott.

He says he’s paying $200 of my rent this month and I worry about if he means it. He also says he’s gonna give me a canceled check to send to Sprint for proof that he paid $35.

I’m not saying Scott deliberately sets out to lie about stuff he’s gonna do and that he’s not busy, but he procrastinates big time.

Two months ago I sent US West a check for $88 and it’s never been cashed. I’ll have to call them about it as well as a few days of credit for when I was crossed. I also must take the phone bill I just got to the office for them to deduct the transfer fee from my rent. I haven’t gotten an electric bill yet.

Work’s been much better this week. I have about $180 in cash on me. Next week I’m working Tuesday-Thursday from 9:00 PM - 1:00 AM.

Tom’s been driving me to and from work, but Mandy took me home tonight. Tom says he can bring me to and from work tomorrow night.

FRIDAY, MAY 28, 1993 I made $86 at work tonight which was great. It sure beat last week which was so dead.

I spoke to Tammy who said she blasted Dad for the letter he wrote me. She once again went through both of our feelings. She wishes they were divorced too.

Then, Scott came over earlier and said to take a ride with him to see why he’s been so busy. We rode in a very nice mercury sable. One of his cars from Michigan. He’s having all his cars sent here. I saw them all lined up at some dealership that’s trying to sell them for him. Believe it or not, it made me wish I could afford the car and didn’t have this phobia I have with driving. I drove around the parking lot, for the first time in nearly two years, then to the grocery store, then here. I felt a little shaky but it was fun. How would I ever learn to feel comfortable enough to relax and concentrate on everything around me? Scott says everyone feels like that and it’s cuz I haven’t driven enough. Maybe 20 times since I was 19. Scott says a minivan would be perfect for someone as short as me.

THURSDAY, MAY 27, 1993 I expect to be awake for a while longer, so I’ll write. I don’t want to get backed up either.

Tomorrow I’ll mail out that letter to Bob. The one saying how Kim’s thinking of moving here. I’ve written several letters.

Scott came over earlier so naturally, the phone had to ring twice. Once with Fran, then with Andy.

Andy transferred to a closer Denny’s.

While Scott was here I played him some tapes. One of Andy, Fran and me talking to the crisis center.

I made $66 at work tonight. Amazing, huh?

Today I’ve been keeping journals for 5 years and 7 months.

Some DJ Andy spoke to wants a copy of my edits. Last night Andy and I spoke to Johnny at a local radio station and he thought they were cool. DJs are cool people to talk to. I even ended up on the radio saying, “So Johnny, when the heck are you going to be giving away courtside Sun’s tickets?” like he asked me to.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 26, 1993 I am on the phone right now with Andy and believe it or not, we’re calling machines. We’re only calling each machine once and leaving edits on them since it’s too easy to get caught.

I am very tired right now due to the sun, but I’ll do some writing another time.

Later…

I am sitting here wondering how the hell I’m gonna fall asleep. So, instead of trying to figure out that one, I figured I’d write.

Monday I slept from 9:00 AM – 3:00 PM. Scott knocked at 8:30 PM. He’s been working on one of his cars for the last two days.

Steve called me to ask if I’d heard from Celeste. She and her son’s missing and her mom called him. She could be with anyone knowing how she is. Scott said she was with Joe. She’s like Teresa. They can never leave the men who beat them.

Before I fell asleep yesterday morning, I called Kim. We spoke for half an hour. She’s very annoyed with Bob’s obsession with her. We’re gonna play a joke on him. I’m sending a very threatening fuck off message from a “Brian R” to her and she’s gonna mail it to him. I disguised my handwriting.

I’m also gonna tell him in a letter how she’s thinking of moving out here. Then, she’ll write to me saying that. I’ll send this letter to Bob. Bob will freak with total panic.

Late last night Tom and I went to the Jacuzzi. Then, he came over here where once again I made him hot chocolate and played him tapes. He said he’ll show me how to create edits on his computer digitally sometime. He said you can control the pitch and do all sorts of things.

Later I’ll write all about the DJ that Andy and I spoke to and about my being on the radio.

MONDAY, MAY 24, 1993 I’m still wide awake as I feared I’d be.

I spoke to Tammy earlier. We both agreed that it’d be a waste of time to try to “set things straight” with my parents. Yes, it hurts that we can’t get along. What person wouldn’t want to get along with their parents? However, I’m not gonna keep on running around in circles with them. I’m not at fault or deserving of Mom’s bullshit. I’ll miss not telling them all about the good things going on, but it’s not worth it anymore.

I hope Scott doesn’t knock till 2:00 or 3:00.

Last night Tom and I went to the Jacuzzi. After, I invited him here. I had coffee and he had hot chocolate. I showed him the photo albums, drawings, and journals and played him some tapes.

SUNDAY, MAY 23, 1993 Well, I am in a great mood. Far better than I was last week. It’s so nice to know that I’ve had so few bad days or so-so days since I’ve been here. For 26½ years it was 90% miserable. Here, it’s been 98% fantastic.

I didn’t count, but I made $80 or $90 tonight. I have $97 in cash on me in bills and lots of change.

Scott stopped in for an hour or so. It was great to see him. We’re getting together Monday.

I still can’t find Kindy’s number, so I hope she calls me.

I like Sasha, but she can be annoying. She knows Scott and I are good friends and that I hardly see him, but she hogs his attention.

Till 11:00 it was dead. I said to Scott I was afraid I’d end up evicted if the club didn’t pick up or if no positive results came out of L.A. He laughed and said, “No you’re not. I’ve got tons of money coming in next month.”

We’re gonna discuss it Monday. And he also says he’ll put the ceiling fan up then. We’ll see.

I still do have an excellent feeling about L.A. Also, believe it or not, I feel a little lust in the cards too, but why the hell I do, who knows? I’m sure it won’t be with Marcella, but I sure wish it. While I’m still young I wish to hell I could have a little more fun here and there.

There’s a new dancer named Ashley at work who’s pretty, but I guess she’s straight.

The phone company fixed the lines today.

Tomorrow if I don’t get together with Kindy, and I highly doubt it, I’ll call Lorna. I’d like to meet her and see if she’ll buy my answering machine.

I sold Sammy a costume.

I think I’ll also decorate the wall stuff and type some letters. I love this apartment It’s so quiet so far. The guy below me is so quiet and I hear fewer kids. I have a few more things to write about later.

Later…

Can you believe I’m still fucking up?! This pisses me off! My schedule’s been doing well since I had that flu and cold. It’s been fine for 3 months so why it’s so hard to fall asleep now beats me.

At 6:30 yesterday evening, Tom came over and attached the sleeper to the couch. He also listened to some edits and one of the Crisis Center calls where Andy and I would play the abandoned teen siblings and I’d do my crazy act, speaking senseless, disjointed sentences.

Tom took me to work and back. He’s on vacation for two weeks. While he’s still here he can bring me to and from work. I’ll still see him and be friends with him after he moves, though. He’s gonna have a 2-bedroom house with a pool. Lucky him.

He’s a cool guy. He’s so the “married with children” type. So very mature and calm. He’s 35, but he appears a bit older. Completely opposite of me, yet never tries to change me or anyone else. Never the type to make prank phone calls, mail funny letters, swear so much or be so blunt. He is very honest, though, and can handle listening to edits and stuff like that.

Earlier I was going through all my journals and highlighting the entry dates. I’d begun doing this right before I moved to Crystal Creek. I’ve finished 1-30, but I know I have bits and pieces of 31-37 done.

Gotta dust, vacuum and run through the bathroom and kitchen a bit. I really want to keep up on this place. Don’t want to let it slide. Every two weeks is when I shall go through it. Once every 2-3 months I’ll be really thorough. No half-assing it.

Why do I feel such a strong vibe for lust? Knowing and going by my track record, I should have a year or so to go.

Now, I’m going to try really hard to fall asleep. I definitely can feel my eyelids becoming quite heavy, so bye for now.

Later…

Right now I am sitting on my patio. It is very very warm out still. A slight breeze went by, but only for a second. I wish it was windier more often. I can’t wait till we have more of those awesome thunder and lightning storms we usually have this time of year. The sound of the creek and waterfalls down below me is so peaceful. God, what beauty I live in!

I’m writing on the table I bought for $10 off that maintenance guy who was fired and moved. I have the patio light on. Thankfully, I have a patio light. I can see perfectly well.

I slept till 7:00! I was beat, but I hope I haven’t fucked my schedule up. I still haven’t done my walls either. I am doing laundry now. I’ll watch two movies I taped and do some letter writing, too.

I spoke to Andy for about 45 minutes, then went to the Jacuzzi. He’s watching TV now.

I have an appointment tomorrow at 9 AM with DES. I want to see if Tom can do me a huge favor. Of course, he can’t call them and say I can’t be up that early cuz I work. I want him to say I transferred apartments, I’m very sick now and don’t have current bills and rent receipts which is true. I’ll call them real soon and see if I can do a phone interview or mail the stuff they need.

While I was at the Jacuzzi I found a really nice lighter and it’s full, too.

I’ll have to look at the apartment map to see where Lorna’s apartment is. I’ll call her first, though, one of these days soon. I want to sell her my answering machine. I’m wary of her otherwise. I smell Ellie in her.

Tomorrow’s the day, a year ago that I left the NHA project. I was in Natchaug for two weeks. I’ve been through so much and accomplished so much since.

Scott says tomorrow he’s putting up the ceiling fan in the bedroom. I’ll believe it when I see it. I hate to say that, but it’s true. Right now, though, I’m gonna throw my clothes into the dryer and watch TV.

Later…

I’m about to watch the movie I taped. One of them. This one’s called, In the Line of Duty - Ambush in Waco. It’s all about that crazy cult leader in Texas. This video has had it. It sounds as if it were underwater. Tim Daly, the guy playing David Koresh, looks exactly like the real David Koresh.

SATURDAY, MAY 22, 1993 Still no sign of Scott. This is really pissing me the fuck off. Where the fuck is he? What the fuck’s going on with L.A., the rent, and all the other stuff!? Mark at work said to let him know when and if I find out I’m going to L.A. Is the dream over, just when I was as sure as the fact that I’m short with waist-length hair? Was this all one big fat fucking joke? Is God gonna punish me for this first whole year in all my life of happiness? Why is there always a price to pay for happiness? I’m certainly not saying I’m miserable, but am I to pay any dues? Dues for being happy? Is this cuz of my get-together with Julia?

Later I have stuff to write about Marcella (a dancer I like), money, costumes, Kindy, etc.

Later…

What the hell, I don’t have anything else better to do right now, other than to write.

Meagan says Marcella just moved in with her boyfriend. Great. But who knows just how happy she really is? Who knows if she’s gay? Sasha and I still sense she could be. She (Sasha) had agreed a few days ago to approach Marcella and tell her about me. Just as we were coming in, Marcella was on her way out. Sasha never said a word to her. She told me to just go up and talk to her or to leave her a note. She said she didn’t seem to be the type to freak out and take a shit fit if she was straight or not interested. Well, I’m not as brave as she is. Not after the Maliheh incident and many others. It’s not that I’m afraid of verbal rejection. I’m so used to it. I don’t want to have to work with her and maybe blush with a bit of embarrassment when I see her. Or have her tell the whole world and be snotty to me. It’s not that I care who knows I’m gay. It’s her running around saying, “that girl had the nerve to hit on me and I rejected her, ha, ha, ha!”

I envy those who see what they want and almost always get it.

Later…

Meagan says Marcella’s going to Florida for two weeks, but that if I wanted to write a note, she’d give it to her.

If she were bi and looking for a woman here and there, I’m sure God wouldn’t let me get that lucky. Don’t get me wrong, Ann Marie and Julia were no settlements. However, there’s a difference between, someone who’ll “pass,” versus someone who makes you think - wow! I want her big time!

Steve was telling me that he’s got another regular who’s a definite butch. However, she’s very nice, he says, with a great personality. He said she said that I must have the same problem she does cuz there are not too many feminine ones out there and that’s what she goes for. As I said, this comes as no surprise to me. Butches like fems and fems like butches. I did tell Steve he could give her my number to maybe be friends. When he picked me up after work, he said he gave it to her and she was thrilled. If she’s ugly, so-so, or on the masculine side, then yeah, I bet she’s thrilled. She’ll definitely call too, and come over. I bet I’ll have no trouble getting her over here being the butch Steve says she is.

Kindy gave me her number to call her Sunday and I lost it!

Later…

Yes! I’m psyched! When I got home I couldn’t get messages cuz of the repairs they’re doing till just now. Scott actually left a message! He said he was out cold asleep till 5 PM yesterday. His message was left at 10 PM. He said to call when I get up and that he can move Andy on the 2nd of June and not the 1st.

I made over $100 at work and this idiot blew $30 on a gorgeous black lace jacket. Also, a 1-piece black and pink combo shorts/tank top. It zips right up the front. It fits perfectly.

Andy gave Velma that $15 for that straightening iron, so he now only owes me $135.

I can’t wait till he gets over his cold. I want to show him my new stuff.

I also tipped Pete $10, Kevin the doorman $3, then there was the $7 house tip and $37 for groceries. Oh, I also gave Steve $7 for waiting so patiently while I shopped.

The cashier gave me 2 out of the 4 packs of cigarettes I got for free for my being “cute.”

Later…

This is quite ridiculous. I must go to sleep within half an hour. Due to it being Sat., I’ll put my earplug in to be on the safe side and set the alarm for 2:00. If I get only 5 hours of sleep, oh well. I need to be getting up earlier.

I called Tammy and she’s gonna talk to Dad. She offered to. I didn’t ask. I said ok, but these people are in their 60s. They aren’t gonna change now. Tammy feels the same way about both of them.

I’m gonna try to sell Sammy and Meagan each a costume for $10. I’m gonna also try to sell Lorna my answering machine for $15.

Well, I’m gonna go hit the sack. I want to be awake between 2:00 and 3:00 so I can talk to Scott.

FRIDAY, MAY 21, 1993 My Second Crystal Creek Apartment…

Well, I just paged Steve.

I got a letter from Dad today that half upset me, half pissed me off. You know, I’m really sick of their shit, his and Ma’s.

Later…

I have a half-hour left and boy do I hope I make money tonight.

As far as my folks are concerned, why is it ok for them to insult me? It’s ok for them to speak their minds, but I can’t. I never said anyone was perfect, I’m just tired of being called a liar and all their other BS. I have no respect for my father when he sides with Mom like this, but they can’t take it, so tough! I never wanted our relationship to end, but I can’t deal with Mom’s shit in between everything else. Even Andy said it makes him want to call and bitch them out.

Still no response from Scott. A simple call from a payphone won’t kill him.

I left a note on the guy’s door downstairs. I said I tried knocking to introduce myself and got no answer. I left a note saying I work late, will try to be quiet. Let me know if my music’s too loud and don’t worry if he wants to blast his.

In other news, I’ve got to call DES (food stamps) to see if I can mail the stuff they need.

I called US West and they say the problem with the crossed lines will be fixed tomorrow. I am to call back around the 29th when my bill’s printed for a credit of two days. Lorna and I are still crossed today. We spoke earlier. She told me all about last night and of course, I played dumb. She may buy my answering machine from me.

[im-sorry-i-ate-your-pasta]

Part 14 - Re-gaining senses - 5/18/24

I'm just gonna start calling these "parts" instead of updating.

Anyways, sorry for no posts for the last few days, I'm in a chorus, and our concert was a few days ago, so I've been quite busy and tired.

On to the spooky shit:

Yesterday morning (5/17/24), S texted me that these guys at her school were staring at her weirdly. Her first thought is that they were going to hurt her (as an openly trans woman, it makes sense this was her first thought considering the school she goes to) and nothing happened, so we thought nothing of it and forgot about it. Until later that night, around 10:45 pm, I was walking her home (she lives about a 15 minute walk away from me) and we passed this oldish house. For more context, we live by a woodsy area, but still suburban. There's a large thicket (if that's the right word) of trees. We passed by a house by there and she said there was a creepy guy staring at us. I looked where she was looking, there was no one there. I told her I didn't see anything, and as we continued walking, we both kept looking behind us. She said he was following us, yet I still saw no one there. She then started wondering if the guys from that morning were real, because in her words, they were staring at her the same way the man was. She freaked out and asked me to come inside, but I had to leave shortly after. She called me (I asked her to, in case there really was a dangerous man) and asked me not to go the same way home that we came from, so I went in a different direction, but smelled what smelled like my ferret. I went down that road and saw an animal that could've been a cat, possum, or raccoon. I told S, she started freaking out, saying to go a different way. She thought something was trying to lure me with the smell of something familiar (ferret) and something I love (I'm an animal lover, the animals I listed are some of my favorites.) Personally, I think it was just a coincidence, and that the animal really could've just been a raccoon, cat, or possum, as those are common animals where I live. But to comfort her, I just went the way we originally came. I still didn't see anyone. I got home, she went to bed, and that was that. She called me when she woke up, at 10:04 am, but she seemed off. She was much quieter than normal. When I asked her how she slept, she told me she didn't get any sleep. She hung up 2 1/2 minutes later, she had to help her stepdad with something. But before she hung up, she said "something happened," so I asked if she wanted to talk about it, and she said not now, so when she comes over we'll talk. I don't think it's anything to do with spooky shit, but I'm mentioning it just in case it is. I will post again later. Goodbye for now.

[lilyserena]

3.2

• woke up around 10am

• sex

• slept in / laid in bed until noon (12:17)

• shower (did not wash hair)

• brush teeth am

• wash face

• exfoliate face (tatcha rice polish)

x didn’t do skincare / moisturizing steps

• bring dishes downstairs

• take out dishes from dishwasher

• make air-fryer chicken thigh (8+7 mins)

• eat lunch/first meal - chicken and leftover chicken ramen soup 250 calories

x didn’t put on sunscreen before leaving the house

• on time to pickup (laundry basket and fire tablet from local buy nothing group)

x didn’t stop by store / asian market for fish (but this is optional)

• ate canned peanut tofu drink thing 200 calories

• chilled most of the day

x didn’t clean room

• ate one ferrero rocher (just one is ok! more is not. yesterday ate four) 70 calories

• bring dishes downstairs

• peppermint tea 2 cups 5 calories

• cook eggs

• fridge management - used up 3 foods (eggs, gruyere, marinated chicken thighs)

• eat 3 scrambled eggs with gruyere and 3/4 chicken thigh 600 calories

• drink 1% milk 105 calories - testing if I’m lactose intolerant… sometimes I am, sometimes I’m not. yesterday I was very intolerant.

• take out dishes from dishwasher

• put in dirty dishes

• water 4/8 - x didn’t drink enough water today, but at least I don’t feel thirsty. probably from eating oranges.

• eat 1 1/2 mandarin oranges 70 calories - got vitamin C

• over protein goal (too high but it’s fine)

• stayed under carb/sugar limit

• ok on calorie intake - had 1300 calories

yesterday I binged (1800 calories) but really it felt more like a metabolism day and today I was way less hungry.

• shopping - didn’t buy anything unnecessary. spent $20 walgreens cash on period stuff (L. pads), paid $16, and bought Saalt reusable menstrual disc, steamer cleaning device, and two period underwear for $90. anyway money well spent to make life 100% more comfortable hopefully. total spent - $110

• paid someone on PayPal for lululemon 3 items, bought yesterday - $99

• checked United miles

• library card for Libby

before sleeping,

x shower

• brush teeth pm

x wash face

• skincare

• clean up small things - recycle, trash, bowls

• put worn clothes in pile

x did not clean room, didn’t have the spoons to hang clothes away so I just put them together in a box and hung them on the back of my computer chair. whatever it’s good enough, at least they’re not on the carpet

• take out hand towels and kitchen towels from laundry, put in drawer

• take melatonin

• make and drink warm water

• take med - birth control

• take vitamins - calcium

• take supplement - glutathione

• charge phone

• wear apple watch

• clean kitchen area (but did not spray down counters). put things away

x foot care - bring a cream from home next time

45/52

[dopaminergicaddictions]

The hallucination got to much worse yesterday. I wonder why? I couldn't focus cause I was so tired.. I heard it talking at me during therapy it went from inaudible just i could hear it trying to it was saying full sentences. This is why I always worry about sleeping cause when I talk to someone I can drown it out very easily when I actually slepe even when it's 5 hours of sleep.

I took maximum dose at 5:35 last night and laid down at 6:30. I got up a few times over the night and had to take like 30 to 40 minutes to knock back out but I woke up at 6 am. I am staying up. It fixed my schedule and the hallucination went back to the way it was. Quieter and less distracting and I can focus again. I prob got 7 to 9 hours but it's so segmented with bathroom breaks. That's its somewhere in between.

My will to live went from 2 to like 8. My doctors don't want to increase from 1.0 to 1.5..... I'm having my therapist Erin call in cause of they can just get me to fucking February 21st sleeping every fucking night. I'd need two weeks without weed and I'm going to go back to fucking normal.

I'm requesting a gene test and a hair test for the 22nd... I want to rule out the gene thing... cause I mean tbh.... with the onset. How it visited everyday and went away after I stopped being high it it's so obvious thc... but until i see that I don't have the gene and as long as I hallucinate I'm going to keeo worrying...

I worry that I have the gene but thc started it..... if that's the case I'd wait until the thc drained out and end it if it hasn't left once I get the thc out.. when I sleep regularly and everything it seems to get minorly and I mean minoely better every single day...

I'm worried I won't slept tonight. My doctor is pushing me to see a psychiatrist to take over and percribe a higher dose.... it's making me lose hope cause just push me through the next month and half. It could be done tomorrow or next week or even before the 22nd.... maybe it'll be Feb 10th... but I need to SLEEP EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm going to take less than maximum dose at 10 tonight and if I'm not sleeping by 12 I'm going to raise it so hopefully I'm our by 2. At least now my 17 hour mark is fucking 10 pm... 10 pm seems like so fucking long from now. I wish I could take it at 8 but I tried 12 hours, I tried 15-`16. I guess my body needs 17 waking hours.

Wish me luck as if Erin can't get them to push it to 1.5... I'm going to have major issues Well before this goes away. Getting in with a psychiatrist is almost impossible and they are going to push fucking antipsychotics and anticholinergics... and prob antidepressants for christ sake. I won't take any of those EVER... and it could be a useless thing to do If they won't increase it.

I'm hoping that after my doctor has another provider in the loop they'll consider it. At least they'll give me 1 for the foreseeable future but I can't scarfice one night of sleep.

I'm not joking yesterday it might as well even been November 15th when I couldn't even watch a movie or talk in therapy without the voice taking away my entire fucking focus... and today it's like wait it's Jan. 12th and It's like it even improved from the day before I didn't sleep...

[shriracha]

Nov 15

Today I feel very productive!

Yesterday i did massage routine at 5 pm, and baby got sleepy and slumbered st 6 pm. I slept with him almost all the time till 5.20 am. Since we got up so early I managed to have a heavy breakfast, took a shower and made 90 mL of rice porridge. Baby ate several spoons unwillingly, but then he ate all the porridge from baby bottle.

Baby slept after playing and breastfeeding, so he didn't want to sleep when we arrived an hour before the start of swimming training. So I did a massage routine.

Weather is very nice. It's 1° C and clear.

[purplesurveys]

1729

Were you always one of those kids who got in trouble with everyone around? Nah I wouldn't say it ever got that bad but I did have a bit of an attitude problem back when I used to be a pain in the ass of a kid. I was on the extreme antisocial side and understandably that gave off shitty impressions towards everybody.

When was the last time you took a nap? Did it relax you any? Yesterday I slept from like 1 to 5 PM because my lunch was so heavy and so damn good lmao. Yes, it was a great nap and I had felt even better knowing that the next day (today) was going to be a holiday.

Honestly, do you see yourself as a slut? Nope.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? Yes. Things I've kept from them greatly surpass things I have shared.

What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever been through?: Sorry for giving the same boring answer lol but that would be the time I experienced a relationship failing in 2020.

Have you ever had your heartbroken?: Sure.

Do you think Enrique Iglesias is sexy? :P: Not in particular.

Can you text quickly?: Yes. I'll get typos here and there but for the most part my fingers work fairly fast.

Do you like fast food or does it disgust you?: I like fast food, but it also depends on the brand.

Which singer’s vocals would you love to steal?: IU! Or Se So Neon's Soyoon.

What’s your favourite shop?: Nike.

Have you got a hairdresser that you can trust?: Yes.

Are you a deep or light sleeper?: Very deep, but I'm also good at waking up when I need to wake up...if that makes sense? I can sleep through loud noises and all but if, say, I have a calltime of 4 AM, my body is usually able to wake itself up at around 3 AM.

Do you wear a lot of make up?: No. Foundation and concealer are enough to make me happy.

Do you get nervous before exams? Only if I completely know nothing about the subject because then it's like how the fuck do I even begin answering the questions lol. That's happened many times to me in subjects like calculus and economics where I just simply fail to learn anything in the days leading up to the test. And since I was a shy student I also never, like, felt bold enough to ask questions or request for a 1-on-1 with my teachers, so there have definitely been exams where I knew from the very beginning that I was headed towards a 68 (the lowest mark my school gave).

Does the weather influence your mood?: Only if my emotions were already strong to begin with. Like if I was already in high levels of stress, encountering rain would most likely make me cry. Otherwise no, not really.

Who was the last person you kissed?: Some person.

What’s your favourite alcoholic drink?: Peach soju.

Do you watch Big Brother?: Nopes.

Do you like the smell of BBQs?: I've never been to a barbecue party (doesn't happen here) but I like the general scent of barbecue.

Do you crash on people’s sofas often?: I have never done that.

Have you left school or not?: Yes, three years ago.

Can you keep a secret?: Yes.

Have you ever been trapped in a fire?: No.

Do wasps scare you?: They do. Anything that flies and has a super loud buzz really lol, so like wasps, blowflies, bees...

Have you ever had to spend the night at a hospital? Once, when I was 12.

Are you currently trying to get over someone? No.

Have you ever dated someone with longer hair than yours? At many points their hair was longer, yes.

Have you ever bought clothing online? Yes. My last shopping spree was done online.

Have you ever worn flip flops in the snow? I have never encountered snow.

Do you wear Roxy, Billabong, or Volcom? No.

How old were you when you met your first love? I was 13, I think.