dear-xia-blog

[oflgtfol]

hands on my knees im actually working 58 hours this week

[k3rm1e]

hey hey! it’s me 🥀 anon.. micheal x reader in 3rd grade ( being friends ofc:] ) 🙂 tommy’s daughter ( or gn reader any is cool😎 ) but reader beats up bully for making fun of micheal

friends

hey hey! it’s me 🥀 anon.. michael x reader in 3rd grade ( being friends ofc:] ) 🙂 tommy’s daughter ( or gn reader any is cool😎 ) but reader beats up bully for making fun of michael

hello 🥀 anon! apologies for the long wait, i have been doing things ;-;

but!!! i am here now with this so i hope you enjoy :D

cw: cursing 

friends:

  you hated him. you hated the small half-piglin half-zombie kid. it was unreasonable, he was your dad’s best friends’ kid. the infamous bench trio, with kids of their own. the legacy left behind, of fallen countries and terrible men, to fall on your shoulders.

  you always spoke with him. sat with him on the bus, at lunch, in class, sitting. talking. more of he spoke, you listened. even though the other students came to ask questions, they never stayed. the simple existence of two of you, two kids, with the parents you had was too much.

  the old stories of l’manburg, manburg, pogtopia, the infamous button room, the burnt mushroom house, the obsidian walls, logstedshire, the disc confrontation, pandora’s vault, all of it. every story, every tale, included your father. in history class you were stared at, you and the piglin boy. when students wanted to ask about the historical figures they learnt about, it was to the two of you. and you hated it.

  the attention, it was never on you. always him. whether it was from students, teachers, family, friends, hell, even the hecking sheep that belonged to the fading soul of a long gone man cared more for the kid. not even tommy, your father, paid more attention to you. he was always out, causing trouble even now. tubbo and ranboo, despite their efforts to keep michael safe, had somehow ended up with him becoming even more of a trouble maker than the three of them combined. you would much rather spend time with the fading soul, listening to his songs as you sat on the glass covering a crater. he claimed it gave him inspiration, to sit above the symphony he never finished.

  so, when you saw the small boy talking to others at lunch, you were conflicted. was it good, good he had gained more people, more friends? you never enjoyed sitting with him, having to listen to him speak for hours. he never even realized he was being annoying, causing trouble.  so, shouldn’t this have solved your problems? knocked them down the drain?

  and yet, you felt bad. staring at them on the playground, your soul hurt. you didn’t want to be like the fading soul, to feel like this. michael, turned to look behind him. the look on his face seeming like it was begging for you to walk over there. but you felt guilt. and so, you ran.

  “ghost!” you ran above the glass, making sure your steps weren’t too heavy footed.

  he looked up, from his sheet music and the guitar. “oh, hello. are you just getting back from school?” the area around was abandoned. after so many years of being near such a negative place, everyone left. deserted it. all that was left was the glass and the small, somehow still standing structures. at the very bottom of the pit was a sea of red, always growing but never moving, sitting dead yet alive.

  “yeah. it was a long day today. and i need advice. but first, do you have any music for me?” you sat in front of him, pulling out extra snacks from lunch out of your back.

  “music later, speak now. what’s wrong? do you need some blue?” anytime you seemed upset, ghost gave you blue. when tommy saw, he was nervous. more distant. you didn’t want him to see it, you didn’t want to drive him away. so, you used the dye for other things. your pants, your shirts hoodies, what ever could be dyed. all of it, a deep blue the color of old, burnt suits, used for a country few actually remembered.

  “no, no blue today, ghost. i still have some from last time, so thank you. and i need to ask a question. if i do not like someone, should i help them when they are in trouble?” you laid back, the cold of the glass hitting your neck.

  “it really depends, what has this person done? in the past, i’ve been wronged by others. heavily.” in his eyes, you could see the healing wounds that may never form, as he felt the blue wool in his hands. the memories of a father and a brother and a sheep, you could see them in the fading soul. 

  “i was helped, or at least he tried to help me. i didn’t like him. as far as my knowledge goes, he did not like me. he hurt those i loved. even so, he helped me. tried to save me. it backfired, badly. but he still tried. i owe him my gratitude, i wish i could repay him. for all he’s done.” he stared down, reminiscing. the ever living dying red shone in the setting sun.

  “so, to conclude, you should help him, in my opinion. i think its good, to help others, even when they’ve wronged you. build amends, y’know?” he looked down to you, who was sitting silently.

  “thanks ghost. can you play me something now?” you watched him sigh. you needed to think about what to do, how to go about this. slowly, you heard the faint sounds of a guitar begin.

  “the cute bomber jacket you've had since sixth form…”

  in the morning, you were ready. at school you pestered michael to no end, speaking when he didn’t. he looked sad? here’s some blue dye my friend gave me , its supposed to make you happy! it’s even the same color of that sheep you like. when the older boys tried to approach him at lunch, you ran with him over to the swings.

  “michael, push me on the swings! after i’ll push you and we can try to knock each other off!” he pushed you higher and higher and higher. piglins are stronger than you expected.

  for weeks, it was like this. constant talking. michael, despite his usual talkativeness, was quiet. it was tuesday, and you couldn’t find him anywhere. what if those boys were rude to him? is he gonna get hurt? he may be strong, but he’s small. you found him surrounded by taller boys in the corner.

  “hey!” you screamed at them, inwardly terrified. dad had always said to be strong so be strong, ‘don’t be a pussy’ he would say (in a joking manner of course).

  “the hell you gonna do, shortie?” on of the boys turned around, laughing at you.

  “go away!” the boys chuckled again and you felt the anger flow through you. “fuck off you pussies! you cunts!” you screamed at them, using words you’ve heard your dad say. you pushed them over and grabbed michael’s hand. time to run. the boys chased you throughout the woods as you made your way to the location. once you reached the small forest clearing, they were gone. you started walking with him to the crater.

  michael was silent before looking at you. “... why’d you help me? i thought you hated me.”

  “i... i don’t hate you. not anymore at least! i was mad for dumb reasons and found you annoying because of that. but now, i know that its fine.” you tried to explain your self to him.

  “i always talked to you because i don’t like talking to others. i didn’t want you to feel lonely. i know uncle tommy doesn’t talk with you much. he gets nervous.”

  this was new information. “why does dad get nervous?”

  “i think it has something to do with his own dad. he might be scared of being like him, disappointing you.”

  “...oh. i’m sorry. for being bad to you.”

  “it’s okay. we’re friends now, right?” he looked over to you, smiling.

  you stared down at him. “yeah, yeah we are.” after some silent walking, you arrived at the crater. ghost was sitting on the glass.

  “ghost!” you ran to him, dragging michael with him. “ghost, this is michael. michael, this is ghost.” you proudly stood, making michael shake hands with him. he visibly cringed at the coldness of ghost’s hand.

  “oh, hello michael. would you like some blue?”

  you all sat, talking. you told michael about ghost’s guitar skills and the two of you forced him to play you songs. you were friends now, and it would stay that way.

  when the sun went down and you got home, your parents were pissed. your dad was on his knees, crying. he held you in a hug around your waist. “why are you crying?”

  “i was so worried about you. don’t do that shit to me again, okay?” you looked up at you and held your face in his hands.

  “...okay dad. okay.” you bent down and hugged him as the fading soul watched from a distance.

late post tonight aaaaa

y’know, i really need to stop going off track from asks just to write found family type fluff 

but nonetheless, i hope you enjoyed 

also is it spelt michael or michEal bc on the dsmp wiki its michAel but idk??

[cchmissions]

Israel Day Nine: Tuesday 1/08/19

Waking up Tuesday morning was difficult, for many reasons; knowing we wouldn’t be returning to the hotel; the stress of packing, unpacking, and repacking your suitcase hoping to get everything to fit once again; trying to mentally prepare ourselves for our 36 hour day and all the travels that the day held; and most grim, knowing our time in Israel was running out. Yet we made the best of our situation and left the hotel with high hopes of what our last day might have in store for us. Our hotel was located in the Northeastern part of Israel and our airport, the final destination of the day, was located near the middle of the country on the western side along the coast of the Mediterranean.

Because we did have such a long day of driving, our tour guide planned a stop along the way at Caesarea. In 22 BC, King Herod had a dream that he wanted to build the largest port on the Mediterranean. Twelve years later, his dream came true. Caesarea, named after Augustus Caesar, used to be a very powerful city because of it’s location along the shore and the numerous entertainment options it provided. Before modern-day cruises became popular, ships would only sail shore-to-shore and dock every night so the fisherman or passengers could sleep on land. Caesarea offered its’ inhabitants and guests with plenty of leisure activities: chariot racing, gladiator games, and live theater at the large amphitheater that would have held 6,000 people. Unfortunately, a lot of this materialistic city was destroyed by conquest or overtaken by the waves of the Mediterranean. The amphitheater though is still functioning and used weekly for concerts. Most sites we stopped at had a gift shop, Caesarea being no exception. This shop was special though in that it had Bamba, our new favorite Israeli snack. More than half the group bought a bag to eat on the trip home.

Our next stop was Tel Aviv, or the New York of Israel. It is Israel’s second largest city and most populous city, oddly enough it is also one of the newest cities in Israel. Founded in 1909, Tel Aviv became a place where Jewish refugees would flood throughout the 20th century. Today it is a major tourist attraction, known for its’ nightlife, shopping, and fashion industry. It was very fitting that we spent the majority of our time in Tel Aviv at the Caramel Market, the largest market in Tel Aviv. Two city streets, parallel to each other, were full of vendors selling handmade crafts, produce, off-brand clothing, spices, sweets, electronics, wall décor, and so much more. The narrow streets were packed with other market goers all trying to get a look at the goods being offered; it really did feel like New York.

While at Caesarea, our guide Efrat received an exciting phone call saying that we would be able to tour Independence Hall, the building where Israel declared it was a nation, while in Tel Aviv. The Hall was supposed to be closed for visitors for the next few years, so our visit was truly an unexpected treat. Beginning as a house, then an art museum, and now a historical site the Independence Hall has had about as many changes as Israel has. During our tour, we sat where guests sat in 1948 during the meeting that would eventually declare Israel a nation. There is nothing particularly special about the house, which makes it a rather odd place to have such an important meeting. But because Israel was still not at peace, the founders needed somewhere safe where they could meet. The then art museum seemed like the perfect disguise, and the shelter walls and high windows of the basement didn’t hurt either.

After being educated about the creation of Israel as a nation, we got on the bus and took a short ride to Joffa/Joppa. This ancient port has many biblical stories attached to it: Solomon transported cedars here to build the First Temple (2 Chronicles 2:5-6), Jonah the prophet fled from God (Jonah 1:3), and where Peter brought Tabitha back to life and stayed with Simon the Tanner (Acts 9:36-43). Our first stop was an outlook of the shoreline and St. Peter’s church, built to commemorate the visit and miracles of Peter while in Joffa. Efrat shared that most churches face east, in Israel however, because sunlight and Jesus will eventually come from the east. St. Peter’s church is no exception, but because it faces east towards the Mediterranean Sea, it is meant to represent that the church is open to all people even those across the sea—even Gentiles. We then walked to the believed site of Simon the Tanner’s home, and Lance retold the story of Peter healing Tabitha Dorcus. Back on the bus it was time to go to the Closing Dinner.

The entire trip, Passages had provided five-star accommodations, but the Closing Dinner was the most luxurious of all. The conference hall where we ate was two stories tall, with one wall being glass windows from the ceiling to the floor. Before being served, our group along with Efrat and Michael, our body guard, met in a separate lounge to hold a debrief of the trip. Everyone shared their favorite part of the trip and something they learned/want to take back with them. It was interesting hearing the 38 different perspectives of the trip, and how some people’s highlights were others deleted scenes. It was very bittersweet, sitting all together one last time, knowing we wouldn’t ever be able to recreate this trip.

Since my return, many people have asked me “Would you want to go back?”. And the easy answer is yes, yes I would. But honestly, I feel that it would be a disservice if I went back outside of Passages. Having started only three years ago, it was amazing how developed, professional, and pristine Passages and the entire trip was. They provided us with so much extra information, viewpoints, and insights that made the trip all the more meaningful. The immense amount of detail and effort that is poured into our schedule really showcases Passages desire for the students to learn and be more than just mindless tourists. I also couldn’t imagine coming back and not having Efrat as my personal guide. Her knowledge of the bible, land, Jewish culture, and Israeli history was absolutely inspiring. She said that she started giving tours after college just trying to make some money before something better came along, 29 years later she has mastered the art of tour-giving and could probably do it in her sleep. I would say without any doubts, that every single person on our bus was positively affected by her presence and inspired to learn more about our own faith because of her.

For our last supper, pun 100% intended, we were served our choice of veal, chicken, or fish. A significant amount of sides and pita was also consumed. While dessert was being served, we acknowledged each of the 8 buses, the faculty, tour guides, and body guards that were represented in the room. Once we were done eating, we had to rush to the airport to have enough time to make it through customs before our flight departed. Many hugs were given to Efrat and Michael, before we finally had to go our separate ways. Both of our flights went smoothly without any issues. The one thing on most people’s minds after landing was when they could get fast food. It seemed that a week without a hamburger or pizza was more difficult than expected. Honestly though, does anything say America more than a McDonalds?

The partially destroyed amphitheater in Caesarea Phillippi, and view of Mediterranean

The view of the amphitheater from the stage; it used to be 3 stories tall

Remains of Caesarea Phillippi, most washed away by the sea

The bus with all of our Bamba 

Carmel Market in Tel Aviv 

The original photo of Ben Gurion, the leader of Israel during both World Wars, in Independence Hall

Staircase down to the port 

Jaffa port 

Luxurious location of our last meal in Israel 

The last meal in Israel (chicken served at the fancy dinner) 

First meal post-Israel (please laugh at the comparison between this and the last meal in Israel) 

[pisati]

I don’t remember too much about my birthday last year, besides having to work and mom taking me out to the cat cafe and the brewery. but despite having a pandemic birthday it was actually pretty nice.

I finally got 3 days off in a row. I did tell my friend Cassidy that I’d help them take their stuff to the UPS store to ship it back to CA, but I honestly thought it would only take part of the day. I didn’t mind grabbing lunch and also staying for dinner, but I didn’t really want to have to be driving all over that part of the DC area all day. which was what happened. I didn’t end up getting home til 1am, and while I DID tell them I could help, it kind of felt like a wasted day. wasn’t really an off-day. BUT Cassidy did cover all my food, got me a lovely birthday cake, and gave me some coloring book-style postcards and a little stuffed brain cell. plus a literal fuckton of crafting supplies they didn’t feel like hauling back to CA. I asked how much they’d want for it; they did say I could just have it but seriously that haul has got to be worth at least $150. there were 6 bottles of resin/hardener and those ALONE have got to be worth $80 at a minimum. they said they’d just ask $40 and like... shit, sure. that’s a goddamn steal.

they also sold me their 4x4 ikea kallax shelf; I remember helping them put it together when they first moved to MD. we took it apart and I had my brother come over sunday to help me carry the pieces upstairs. then put it together entirely by myself, which... I probably shouldn’t have done? I made it work, but that shit is Heavy and also very difficult to put together on your own. even the manual says you should have two people. every muscle in my upper body is incredibly sore now, and I managed to bruise both arms in multiple places (not even doing anything seriously injurious, I’m just an overripe banana). but in making room for it in my living room I rearranged the couches, relocated all my yarn to the new shelf from my old craft shelves (and it took up 12/16 of the cubes 🙃), re-sorted and organized the remaining craft shelves, took the two 1x3 shelves up to the rats’ room (and now they’re being used as towel storage), and actually cleaned up my living room area. my dining room table is sewing-machine-free for the first time since march. I just moved it to the craft shelves, and now I actually have the room there for the machine to just sit. the accessories have their own shelf bin. 

mom wanted to do dinner sunday night instead of today, and I guess that was okay. but it didn’t leave me much down time since I spent all day cleaning and organizing. but it was nice anyway. I got home and mom had blown up some balloons, and she had RHCP playing all evening. I’d requested homemade mac & cheese rather than noodles & co this year, and she found a pretty good recipe. she also made a cinnamon sugar doughnut bundt cake, which was good, though maybe a little dry. but served with ice cream it was better. mom told me she had another piece today and it was more moist today somehow.

mom and my brother had ordered me a bunch of things off my crafting wishlist on amazon, and those had come in during the week. my brother ordered the animal keychain molds, a mica powder dye set, black/white alcohol inks, and a silicone mold kit. mom got me a coaster mold set, another resin/hardener set, and a bunch of the sandpaper with the different grits that I really needed. I was kind of surprised she’d ordered me more things, since she already got me the huge rat cage. and she even told me today I should be getting another coaster set tomorrow, this one with 4 of the same size; the other one she ordered had 4 or 5 round molds but they were all different sizes. I can still make coasters with them, but the biggest one is small-tray sized and the smallest one is like... coin-sized, honestly. it’s tiny. and I can only make one at a time, so a set of 4 of the same size would take 4 days at a bare minimum; longer than that possibly if I were doing layers that needed to cure first. so with a set of 4 I can whip up a whole set at once. 

mom’s boyfriend got me things too, which was super nice of him. they saved it for the dinner night, so I got to open it there. he got me a geode coaster mold, the set of animal butt shaker molds I put on my wishlist kind of as a joke, but also I thought they were silly and adorable. I’m so excited to make those little shakers. also got a set of 3 trinket box molds with molds for the lids, and a little bag of snake charms I’d added so I could use the charms for mold-making; I could make my own little snake charm earrings!

so yesterday was a long day. and then I slept like garbage and woke up early this morning, but I at least got a few things done before Charlotte came over. we planned on a lazy day but since I’d wanted to make yesterday my craft day and never got around to it, I wanted to do that today. Charlotte I guess didn’t have the same idea, but she’d brought her laptop so she could play this video game she and her brother and husband and so on had played together. we ordered five guys for lunch, which is always nice. she brought me homemade cinnamon sugar cupcakes, and gave me a hand mixer, a few bath bombs, and some face masks as a birthday gift. she was right, I really do need my own hand mixer, ha. 

I finally got to work on my silicone molds, and it was super messy. I didn’t realize how much worse it would be than resin. but I tried my best to mix it well. I’d accidentally bought a $25 kit at michael’s a few weeks ago, because I’d picked it up from a clearance section and wanted to price check but forgot and forgot it was in my basket when I checked out; didn’t even realize I’d bought it until I was already back in my car looking into the bag. oops. but I ended up using the whole thing. and I had planned to make a crochet hook mold, so I was excited to try it. mom gave me an old tennis ball can that I cut up, and I used hot glue to seal it and position the hooks. I felt SO bad that it used up almost all of the silicone kit my brother got me; that shit is NOT cheap. and I was terrified I didn’t stir it well enough or mix the parts well enough because that would’ve been such a waste. but I demolded it after the few hours’ cure time and it came out beautifully. I cut slits in it with an xacto knife, so that way I can at least coax the hooks out more easily when I go to demold. it did seem like kind of a waste of a lot of the silicone, since I didn’t use up all the space, but hopefully I can sell enough crochet hook sets that I can maybe buy myself more. I’m nervous about those pours, because they’re not going to be easy, but I’m also excited bc I have a gorgeous, usable mold, and I got a ton of resin for [almost] free that I can experiment with. 

after that I finally got around to some of the resin I’ve been meaning to do. my friend in PA requested some resin earrings; she’s bought so many masks off my etsy for herself and family that after this last order I offered her a resin or crochet thing at no charge. so I’ve got to do some moon earrings; too bad I don’t have more than one moon mold. also my brother babysat some kids the last few weeks of summer and he’d taken them out to gather wildflowers for me to put into resin, so I offered to make them little resin keychains. I got little transparent letter stickers, and I’m super glad they worked as well as they did; the transparent stickers don’t show their borders in the resin so it almost looks like the letters are printed in it. I decided to make letter keychains with each of their initials, and I spelled their names with stickers in the letters. for the girl’s keychain, I added some of the flowers. I’m not sure what to put in the boys’ keychains quite yet. I’m told they’re harry potter fans, so maybe I’ll do some kind of transparent blue with gold glitter or maybe star glitter or something. I also had leftover colored resin from the moon mold so I added them to the J for my mom. nothing like the scramble for appropriately-sized molds when you’ve got extra resin. I also made another set of cat earrings, and I’ll see how those end up. I tried a drop of gold alcohol ink, and hopefully the white helped it sink. otherwise I’ve just got some weird looking cat earrings. 

(update, they turned out weird. gold doesn’t sink :/)

---

I wasn’t quite ready to go back to work today. I had a pretty good weekend, all said. don’t get me wrong, I enjoy what I do. but I feel like I need another gap year. I just want to stop existing for a while. stop having to go out and be around other people. having to talk to other people, all day almost every day. I’m tired. my brain is tired. my last gap year didn’t help with that, so I’m not sure how much good another one would do me. but I just... I need a damn break. 

I have another therapy appointment tomorrow. it may end up being my last one for a while. I already can’t really afford the copay, and I’m switching insurance to one she doesn’t take. my credit card bill this month is incredibly painful. not going to be too upset at not having to spend almost $100 a week to just ramble to someone I barely know. she’s pointed out a few things to me that I didn’t really notice I do, which is nice. but is it worth $400 a month? not right now. not when I’m about to lose my insurance and have to pay for my own. my rent is already half my pay, and now I’m going take a pay cut of somewhere around $100 a month for fucking health insurance. I hate this. I fucking hate the concept of health insurance. insurance in and of itself isn’t bad; property insurance is helpful. but having to pay money for other people to pay money for your healthcare? and you still have to hit a deductible somewhere in the thousands before insurance will even start covering your shit. and even then they can decline coverage or only cover parts of your expenses. literally what is the point

 back to worrying I guess. 

I’ve started a kind of ridiculous undertaking at work as a side project, now that I’m done scanning all the files that were up front. I printed out the list of all the clients in our system that had physical folders, and I’m going through the scanned records and making sure the active ones have new client paperwork and the hours disclosure attached. the head receptionist asked me to start with the ones my former coworker had scanned in, and there are a lot of disclosures missing. some are missing both. I don’t know if he just didn’t scan them or if they didn’t have them at all or what. but I’ve been putting alerts in charts so people know that they need to give the forms to the clients when they come in. we had one client get kind of mad that he’s been coming to us for 10-some years and didn’t want to fill out the paperwork again, even after we clarified it was for our records and for legal reasons. but whatever. 

I don’t know how many physical folders there were, but the list is very long. the folders go from 0 to somewhere in the 8000s I believe, but thankfully a lot are missing. missing as in possibly inactive, so there might only actually be 1000-2000 or so. but I’m going through every single one of them. I made myself a little system with highlighter colors: yellow means the client is active and they need something filled out (and I mark on the sheet what they need), purple means they’ve been seen within 3 years but more than 1 year ago, and they need to fill out something, pink mens inactive, and orange is kind of a catch-all for things like active clients who have recently moved (not sure whether to mark those as inactive). so far, since starting this a week or so ago, I’ve managed to get through 4 pages and a little bit on a 5th. many, many more to go.

the head vet wants to turn the back room into a little employee lounge area of some sort, but we want to get rid of those shelves first too. which means I have 2 big shelves of folders left before I’m officially done. thankfully the files in the back should *mostly* be clients that are inactive, but I still have to go through all of them to make sure. I know I’ve gone back there a number of times to find a folder for an active client because I wasn’t sure whose phone number was whose and I knew it would be in the record. 

---

I’ve been writing this post over the last two nights but I keep falling asleep while I’m writing. I did a lot more resin stuff last night, so I ended up going to bed pretty late. I wanted to finish up those keychains but I’m bad at gauging how much resin I’ll need for things so I ended up with a lot of random extra pours. I’m excited about a few of them; I poured a few into the new molds I made so I’m looking forward to seeing how those turn out. 

not really sure where I was going with this. not really sure where I’m going in general. I’m just going. trying to keep up with work, trying to remember doctor appointments. trying to keep the rats happy and as healthy as I can get them, trying not to let the cat get on my nerves too much. trying to do crafts. trying to remember to talk to people, but I don’t know. I feel lonely sometimes but since I’ve been working so much I kind of just want to be alone. I don’t have the energy for conversations a lot of the time. 

---

hm. maybe another post for therapy thoughts. I was asked to think about a few things.