#i still cant watch Steven Universe without feeling sick because of her

[engagethelinkage]

One Year Later - Written April 24th-25th 2023

Today has marked 365 days around the sun since I stood up for myself and broke free of my relationship with [ex]. 365 days since I made a decision for the good of my own sanity for the first time in a very very long time.

A year is a long time, but also not a very long time at all. I've heard it's a decent metric for healing and progress, I'm not too sure about that. When I think of where I'm at it's plain to see that I'm a few squares behind where I was when I started dating her. I'm back to being terrified of sex and feeling unable to let anyone get close to me. Back to feeling like I don't deserve the physical contact I so deeply crave. Back to wanting to shut out the outside world and return fully to my hermitage. It's clear that my job is just a lucky break that means I can more feasibly attempt to carry on existing like this.

I know I'm not made for the real world; the world of full time work and a mortgage and 2.4 children. I'm not coded to function as just another bland cog in the machine, even though the anonymity of normality is one of my deepest desires. I was made with a series of statistical time bombs within my body and my neurochemistry that make it nearly impossible that I'll live past 40. I'd hoped to have lived some beautiful stories in those years, though tragedies are a special beauty too. As defective as I am I still had too much respect for myself to let the tragedy that was my relationship-my sentence with [ex] play out to the full beautiful ugliness of what it could've been. I considered that ending to my story; slowly giving up my hobbies and letting myself be eradicated piece by piece by the attrition of tiny constant adjustments just like her slowly taking every inch of the bed, all in exchange for physical warmth.

The truth is I really truly want to love someone again. I want to be able to open up to someone and trust them. But I don’t know if I can. It feels like I'm too broken to deserve anything other than abuse under a thin veneer of kindness. I don't know if I'm whole enough to love again knowing that if we don't break up then they'll lose me when I run out of time, or if death decides to carry on her sick joke of snatching people away from me, I lose them. My life is the one story I hated having the ending spoiled because it's made the whole journey feel empty. I wish I never knew this knowledge that has always lived in my brain, this foul truth that makes me feel undeserving of any sort of human comfort.

Last night for a split second I dreamt that I was in [ex]'s bedroom again, the fear that shot through me was enough to wake me instantly, but I still had the ghost of that terror in me. It’s the first time my own brain has pulled the eject cord during a nightmare and it was a dream about being near someone I was supposed to trust. The thing my mind fears most is being back with her, the single greatest fear I have is being back in her bed, and she was the person I chose to love and grew to resent. I told myself I'd never let a lover hurt me again. Promised myself. And here I am with another bag full of lead weights added to my baggage.

Now I truly don't know if I'll have sex again, I don't know if I'll ever be able to suppress my fear enough to trust a partner like that again. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept a tender touch on my chest or a hand on my cheek. I don't know if I'll ever kiss someone again. [Ex] just drove all of my fears deeper and wrapped them in the confusion of "it's meant to feel like this". She hurt me so deeply and she gets to live in blissful ignorance of what she did to me. I have to struggle to sleep because I'm haunted by the fear I would feel walking into my own bedroom scared that she'd want another round of sex and she just gets to jump to a new partner in less than a month. It’s so fucking hard to not be bitter about it. The bitterness just becomes another recurring boil on my soul if I let it stew too long.

The bitterness doesn't last long, thankfully. I'm passed crying over her, but I can count all the new buckshot pellets she left in me.

I hope the terror fades in time, therapy is expensive. I can laugh at a lot of what she put me through now, I have to laugh at it or else I'll cry, but some things scarred me deeply. I don't know if it's possible for wounds that deep to heal on top of so much scar tissue. "A collection of stories and scars and a love for the arts" is what I called myself once. I'm also a creature that is extensively predisposed to fear, my existence is one of almost perpetual terror and my various unhealthy mechanisms of keeping it at bay; smoke another joint, recite the Litany Against Fear again, recite the futhark one more time. All to make it through the current wave of terror that paralyses my mind. She didn't put this terror in me, it's been in me for as long as I've lived, she just gave it new forms to take.

I'm still hurting, but I'm not sure how much of that hurt is from her anymore. [Ex] abused me, I can admit that. But after all the abuse I've experienced from others, I can see that she left me with very few new scars. I'm broken, but she didn't break me, I've not killed this version of me to hide from the memories, my hair remains uncut.

I cannot say that I will heal, but I take solace - a sense of victory if I'm honest - in the fact that I am still this version of me.

[amiandivh]

I was tagged by: @gaybybirth​ hey sorry i have been and am still sick

rules: answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

last

1. drink - A nice glass of ice tea  2. phone call - friend of mine Andrew 3. text message - Got a text from my step mom checking in on me 4. song you listened to - Do video game soundtracks count as a song? Well if they do it was “Telling the Truth 2007″ quite a song title i know but listen to it i promise its amazing 5. time you cried - Saturday i was a funeral and this group played an amazing version that old rugged cross.

ever

6. dated someone twice? - never dated period lol 7. kissed someone and regretted it - never kissed a soul 8. been cheated on -man this is gonna be a boring section 9. lost someone special - nooooooooope 10. been depressed -  yeeeeeeeeeep 11. gotten drunk and thrown up - never touched the stuff 

fave colours

12. Pink mostly because i regrest having a “hating pink stage” in my life...fuck you young heather 13. Purple Cause it was my mother favorite color  14. Blue....notice a patern

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends - Yea i have 16. fallen out of love - Yea but they let me down gently 17. laughed until you cried - oh im a laugher so you show me something i gonna laugh till i cry 18. found out someone was talking about you - um no not really  19. met someone who changed you - yea i have  20. found out who your friends are - not really no 21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - refer to part 2 

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl -man i havent been on facebook in probably 5 years 

23. do you have any pets -  i wish i had a cat and a dog 

24. do you want to change your name - nah i have names i have always like but not enough to change my name.

25. what did you do for your last birthday - my last birthday was 4 days ago and it was withough a doubt the worst one i have had since the first once without mom...it was bad enough i dont feel like talking about it here

26. what time did you wake up today - about 9 around the time im up normally

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - sleeping trying to sleep through the worse of my sickness

28. what is something you can’t wait for - not much rn...idk Infinity Wars

30. what are you listening to right now - An episode of Brooklyn99 in the background.

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - not that i cant remember  32. something that’s getting on your nerves - oh lord a friend of mine was just over playing this stupid playing this stupid mobile game for 3 HOURS and i could not care less 33. most visited website - Youtube its my main form of entertainment with no satilite 34. hair colour - brown 35. long or short hair - long. to long almost ready for a cut 36. do you have a crush on someone - noup 37. what do you like about yourself - Do i have to answer this one? cause i cant think of an answer 38. want any piercings? -na  39. blood type - no idea 40. nicknames - Bunny. one of my mothers long time friends gave it to me when i was born. Easter was close to the 22nd in 1989

Publié à l'origine par lazylittleslothiam

41. relationship status - Single

Originally posted by batbobsession

42. zodiac - Aries 43. pronouns - she/her 44. fave tv shows - Futurama, Steven Universe Paks and rec, Brooklyn 99, Adventure Time Arrested Developement 45. tattoos - nah not a tattoo fan 46. right or left handed - Right handed. 47. ever had surgery - No not since i was born...long story 48. piercings - no i did when i was a kid but not now no thanks 49. sport - No never  50. vacation - id love to go to the mountains. love the cold and possible snow uh its great 51. trainers -dont understand

more general (why do these bullet points down here don’t care what I want, why tumblr?)

52. eating - nothing rn its almost 2 dont like to eat late

53. drinking - Water trying to stay hydrated

54. i’m about to watch -probably another b99 episode and try to sleep

55. waiting for - sleeeeeeeep

56. want -to feel better for more than a couple of months

57. get married - ROFL gotta find a signifigant other to get married

58. career - im 30 next year im to old or dumb to have a carrer at this point

which is better

59. hugs or kisses -i guess hugs. its all ive gotten 60. lips or eyes - eyes  61. shorter or taller - i genually have no idea...is same height an option i just want to look into her eyes without craining my neck

62. older or younger - older. i worry about being a cradle robber 63. nice arms or stomach -you got me pal 64. hookup or relationship -relationship....please? 65. troublemaker or hesitant - well im hesitant so kind of a trouble maker. or i guess more spontaneous then me

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - nope 67. drank hard liquor - i dont drink 68. lost glasses - yea 69. turned someone down - yea i felt like shit 70. sex on first date - never been on a date but that would still be a no 71. broken someones heart - ...yea 72. had your heart broken - no i took it like a champ lol 73. been arrested - Nope. 74. cried when someone died - my mother’s last words were “Whose gonna take care of my Heather and my aunts were almost the same thing and when i heard that especially about my aunt i cried like never have before. 75. fallen for a friend - who do you think let me down easy?

do you believe in

76. yourself - NAHHHHHHHHH 77. miracles - Sure 78. love at first sight -not really no 79. santa claus -Sure 80. kiss on a first date - Why not 81. angels - absolutely

other

82. best friend’s name - @indigowallbreaker 83. eye colour - Brown 84. fave movie - to many to count but im gonna go with willy wonka and the chocolate factory. i feel like a kid every time i watch. Gene Wilder was amazing in it and ill never forget the song pure imagination. another one would probably be back to the future another classic as a kid i loved the car and the idea of time travel.the joney b good scene always made me want to learn to play the guitar.  85. fave actor - i honestly dont have alot Chris Evans, Terry Crews, Stephanie Beatriz, Sebestian Stan, Zendaya

Thank you SOOO much for this i love doing these much. i am way to tired to tag people honestly if you see this and want to fill it out fel free!