#i still think about it a lot but like. i'm currently obsessed over silly singing robots. sorry

[cactusdying]

redraw of that thing i drew. Yeah

[candyrain-collective]

hi, my name's lila. i'm the "i want to go missing" alter.

some of you may relate to this phenomenon. i talked to a few people who did. the urge to drop everything you have in your life and run, the urge to forget about everything in your past and start anew...

i think it's really understandable, especially for people with complex dissociative disorders, to have an entire alter dedicated to the feeling. after all, there's so much baggage that we have to live with every second of our lives. there's so much i wish i could just burn away from the patchwork tapestry that is my life, but i feel like even if i burn away parts of it, the tatters that remain are still going to be singed and ugly.

so it feels so much easier to just burn it all and start over.

i know the internet has popularized the fantasy of running away from a boring city life with responsibilities to live on a farm with chickens in the middle of nowhere, so i think this isn't an uncommon sentiment, but...i do want to take a moment to talk about how the desire to drop everything and run can appeal to cdd systems particularly.

a lot of us feel like we were built wrong. like something in our life corrupted us, like we are irreparably broken, like somewhere along the line there was a huge mistake and now we're not allowed to turn back. and we just have to keep living and living with that perpetual sense of wrongness, of being some kind of mistake.

so the temptation to start over fresh feels good. like a chance to build something better over a clean slate.

i think somewhere in here is an obsession with purity, like if we just started over we would do it right this time, that we don't have to drag our dead corpses around all the time if we were just better. better children, better students, better friends, better people. or even better yet - if we didn't exist at all, we wouldn't have to suffer anything, and we wouldn't do anything wrong. there isn't any opportunity to fail if there isn't any opportunity.

...but i think it's important to remember a couple things. for myself, anyway, i don't know how much this can apply to you all - but i need to remind myself that running away would make things ten times harder. that it's not as easy as i think to drop everything and walk into the ocean, that i can still find happiness in the life i currently have.

sometimes walking away is for you. sometimes it isn't. i know it isn't for me. because now, despite everything that has hurt us in our life, despite all the scars we carry...we have people who love us, a safe home to come back to, and a plan to get better. what we have going on may not seem like enough in the moment...but we can build on what's already there to get better.

i'm not a lost cause. im worth the time and effort it takes to heal.

my tapestry may be burned and tattered and damaged, but it's still mine. and there are lovely scenes and colors on it i would hate to burn away. the time and effort i spend into restoring and continuing to weave it is worth it. and one day, ill be able to look back on it, and be proud of what i've created.

...so for now, instead of running away into a bog somewhere, i'll just go back to working on my silly little spreadsheets for our silly little office job.

[doberbutts]

I rewatched ROP in entirety and I do think it's far more cohesive as a whole instead of episodic in that it resolves a lot of the pacing problems I had on first, weekly, watch and also it's more fun to see the hint vs payoff in this way, at least for me.

Then I rewatched the entirety of the PJ LOTR movies just for old time's sake.

And currently I'm rewatching the entirety of the PJ Hobbit movies and you know?

I think my problem is less the feel- it *feels* like a return to Middle Earth and is more of a fantastical fantasy escapade like the book was intended to be as a bedtime story to his son. Of course the overuse of CGI and unnecessary bloat and lazy sound direction (very little original music, a lot of it is reused from the lotr movies, most striking when azog walks towards thorin to the fucking NAZGUL music of all things) complaints remain but the *feel* is fine.

But I think what bothers me most about the Hobbit is the unnecessary changes to the story itself. Azog's dead by the time of the Hobbit in the book, the book specifically says that Thorin's entire line had absolutely no involvement in the fall of Doriath, the company willingly goes to Rivendell (also the elves sing a silly song about how silly the dwarves look with their beards a'wagging), despite being prisoners in Thranduil's halls they're treated well and fed and not put into cells because elves don't torture prisoners (said directly in the book in question), Thranduil had nothing to do with the Nauglamír, an elf with a huge wound like that that presumably hasn't healed in thousands of years is either fading or corrupted by evil, Legolas has never acted Like That ever, holy shit Thranduil would NEVER draw blade against one of his own people over what amounts to a petty squabble have we learned nothing from the kinslayings-

I don't mind the changes that help drive the plot or tie things together. I don't mind the Radagast bits or the Dol Goldur stuff. I don't even really mind the Tauriel bits outside of thinking the dwarf/elf romance is a bit silly and also that they did her actress dirty. I have little nitpicks here and there but I feel they are forgiveable in the long run as they don't really change the feel or the story.

But there's a lot of just unnecessary additions and changes and for what? What was the bit about the necklace needed for? Why shoehorn in a romance you promised both fans and actress you wouldn't do? What is PJ's obsession with making elf lords in the third age be copies of Thingol? What's with the weird transmisogyny- how is it the books were written by a stuff Catholic war vet and have zero canon LGBT representation and somehow manage to be less transphobic than movies made in the modern era? What's with the vegan elves, Thranduil's literally roasting meat during his party before the dwarves drop in? Why did we resurrect a long-dead character when Bolg, his son, is literally right there?

I still enjoy the return to Middle Earth but certainly these massive departures from canon affect every subsequent watch. *That* is what changes the feel for me, because conflicts have been added where there was none, and taken away where there was plenty.

Personally I think the biggest issue I have is that it probably should have been a 2-film journey and not 3, and 3 added time for stupid shit like this.