#i swear to god i better not end up on another sissy blog

[trabs-flareon]

Hey y'all!!

My girlfriend thinks I'm hot, but I think she might be a bit biased lol :)

What do you guys think? :3

[zen3to5]

J/H 3-09: Ice Shack

I decided to set up shop for this project on a side blog.

Originally, this was a one-shot done on the spur of the moment on my main blog after going through the entire series for the first time (well, the entire series up to Season 6). But, now that I'm watching it again from start to finish, I've decided to dip my toe into T7S writing again. And I decided to continue on from my original premise: if Jackie and Hyde's relationship up to "Jackie Bags Hyde" had follow-up in in the rest of Season 3 and Season 4.

I'm well aware I'm not the first person to have that idea, though I can't claim to have read many other examples out there. This is just something I'm doing for fun, and to loosen up my chops writing dialogue and structuring plots. I'm not aiming to "correct" anything in the show as it is. The goal here is to produce something that could realistically have been of the show, given its genre, time period, and time limitations, with just one major aspect (and the resulting ripple effects) changed. Not every episode is getting re-written, and some episodes will only have "B" stories, or even one or two scenes, changed (though the unaltered material will usually be included, for context.) I'm also aiming to reconnect with canon by early Season 5 and end this project there, with the (very slim) possibility of doing an alternate Season 7 finale.

First up: the germ of this idea, my original re-write of 3-09, "Ice Shack." It's been slightly altered from what I originally wrote, partially due to reconsidering dialogue, partially due to trying to adhere to restrictions of time and structure, and partially because, now that this is an ongoing project, certain things are best saved for later.

FF.Net AO3

---

SHOW TITLE   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   The gang has just finished a round of poker. HYDE is in his chair, ERIC, DONNA, and JACKIE share the couch, KELSO is in the lawn chair, and FEZ is in the hoppity hop. Everyone else groans as HYDE laughs triumphantly and scoops the pot up into his arms.   Kelso and Fez exit out the basement door, grumbling. Jackie rises and gathers up her coat.   JACKIE: Goodnight, Steven.   HYDE: Whatever.   Jackie stares at Hyde for a moment as he counts his money, then exits. On the couch, Eric and Donna watch Hyde and trade whispers with one another.   Hyde rises, gathers his coat, and makes for the door.   HYDE (cont’d): Alright, I’ll see you later.   Donna nudges Eric lightly. He nods and looks up to face Hyde.   ERIC: Hey, why don’t you go ahead and sit back down there, Hyde? We’ve gotta have a little talk with you, mister.   He points to Hyde’s chair, and Donna nods. Hyde gives them a long look, and Eric gives an insistent look back. Hyde shrugs and sits down. Eric and Donna inch across the couch to get closer to him, and Donna reaches a hand out and places it on Hyde’s knee.   DONNA: Okay, Hyde...is there anything you want to tell us about your date with Jackie on Veteran’s Day?   HYDE: (beat) Okay, bye-bye.   He stands again, but Eric and Donna stand too, and push him back into his chair.   HYDE (cont’d): Whatever, man. So we went on a date. So?   DONNA: “So?” Hyde, she stalked you for weeks, you went to jail for her, and when you two finally went out, neither of you said anything about it.   HYDE: (shrugs) Nothing to say.   DONNA: But Hyde, if anything happened, then the whole group is -   HYDE: Nothing happened. (they stare) Nothing happened.   DONNA: Okay, so, that’s it? It was a dud date, and it’s all over?   HYDE: Yeah. I mean... yeah. Well... yeah.   ERIC: (beat)  Hyde...   HYDE: What? She said she didn’t feel anything, so -   DONNA: Wait - she said she didn’t feel anything?   Donna and Eric both break into matching grins and lean in. Hyde shifts in his chair.   HYDE: (beat) Oh, no. You got it all wrong, man. So she thought the kiss was -   DONNA: Oh my god, you kissed?   ERIC: The horror!   Donna and Eric gape at Hyde, who jumps to his feet.   HYDE: Hey! Listen to me - I don’t like Jackie! I only took her on that date to shut her up about all this fantasy hero-worship crap she’s been on! Nothing happened, and there’s nothing to say about it!   ERIC: Oh...well, you know... (reaches out to take Hyde’s hand) In Point Place, they say that Steven Hyde's heart grew three sizes that day.   Hyde yanks his hand free and storms out of the basement, while Eric and Donna fall against each other, laughing.

MAIN CREDITS   BUMPER   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - DAY   The next morning. Hyde sits in his chair eating oatmeal. Eric and Donna, dressed for winter, sit on the couch. They stare at Hyde and grin. As Hyde raises a spoonful toward his mouth, he stops, but doesn’t turn to face Eric and Donna. They keep staring. Hyde resumes eating but pauses again with the next spoonful. Eric and Donna keep grinning at him. Hyde finishes his bite, but when they still won’t stop, he shoves his spoon into his oatmeal and turns to face them.   HYDE: This is going in both your faces. I swear to God.   DONNA: I can’t believe it. Tough, trouble-making Steven Hyde - no ties, no girlfriends - gets a crush on Jackie Burkhart.   She cracks up as she says the name, and she and Eric lean their heads against each other as they laugh.   HYDE: Get bent, I do not.   ERIC: Yeah, Donna, ease up. It’s gotta be a tough time for our boy here. What with the broken heart, because... Jackie didn’t feel anything.   Donna starts laughing again. Hyde flings some oatmeal Eric’s way, and he dodges it.   ERIC (cont’d): I dunno, Donna. Someone might have beat us to the draw on the bedroom this weekend.   HYDE: What are you talking about?   DONNA: The trip to Kelso’s uncle’s cabin. Didn’t he tell you? We’re leaving any minute.   A horn honks off-screen. The three share looks and head upstairs.   CUT TO:   EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY - DAY   Kelso is standing in front of his van, parked with its back facing the road. He paces and rubs his hands together. Hyde, Eric, and Donna come outside through the kitchen.   KELSO: (to Eric, Donna) Hey. So, you guys ready to go?   HYDE: Kelso, man, what the hell? You didn’t tell me about this trip?   Kelso looks as if he just noticed Hyde was there.   KELSO: Oh. I’m sorry, Hyde. I forgot.   HYDE: Well, so long as there’s beer, I forgive you. (claps Kelso’s shoulder) Let’s go.   KELSO: Wait, Hyde. You can’t come.   HYDE: Why not?   Kelso hesitates, then steps around Hyde to reach Eric and Donna.   KELSO: Okay, I might as well let you in on my master plan here. See, what this whole trip is about is a romantic double date, with you two, me, and Jackie.   ERIC: Okay, see, Kelso - double dates usually work better when the second couple are actually dating.   KELSO: So, it’s a secret double date. I told Jackie the whole gang was coming, but I didn’t invite Hyde or Fez. (to Hyde) No offense.   DONNA: I’m out.   She and Eric both turn to head back inside, but Kelso moves to block their way.   KELSO: No, I need you guys! Look - I wanna win Jackie back. I love her, I miss her...and I’ve been getting, like, nothing from Laurie lately.   Donna rolls her eyes, Eric grins, and Hyde fumes. Kelso ignores them all.   KELSO (cont’d): And, Eric and Donna, you guys are, like, the perfect couple, so if you’re there, I can just copy all the sissy, loser things that Eric does, and I’m gold!   ERIC: (to Donna) I mean - he asks so nicely, how could we refuse?   DONNA: Kelso, I am not doing this!   KELSO: Oh, come on! You guys get a romantic weekend out of it, and I’ll have tons of beer! We won’t even need a refrigerator 'cause it’s so freaking cold! (crosses to Hyde) Oh, but I need to grab the beer and gas on the way, so... I kinda need it back.   He holds out his hand.   HYDE: You need what back?   KELSO: You know...my money.   HYDE: What money?   KELSO: My money from the poker game last night.   HYDE: Kelso, that’s my money.   KELSO: No, it’s mine! I brought it!   HYDE: And you lost it!   KELSO: Well, since when does losing it to you in a poker game make it your money?   Hyde stares, and Eric and Donna roll their eyes.   HYDE: Okay - fine, Kelso. I’ll pay for this trip - with my money - on one condition: I come too.   KELSO: What? No, Hyde! That throws off my whole plan! Why do you want to come anyway?   ERIC: Yes, Hyde - why do you want to come?   HYDE: (beat) Kelso, all your master plans are stupid and blow up in your face. I could spend my poker winnings on beer and Playboys, but those are there every weekend. Watching you crash and burn - that’s something special, man. And I don’t wanna miss it.   KELSO: (beat) Alright, you’re in.   Kelso, laughing, moves to the front of the van, with Eric following. Hyde and Donna linger by the back. Donna takes a few steps toward Hyde.   DONNA: Hyde - you really do care about her, don’t you?   Hyde shifts on his feet.   HYDE: No... but do you wanna go through all that again? (doing Jackie) “Oh my god, you’re so beautiful, Michael!” (doing Kelso) “Oh my god, you’re so beautiful, Jackie!” (doing Jackie) “But you cheated with Laurie and Pam Macy - you’re such a dirty dog!” (doing Kelso) “Well damn, Jackie! What do you expect from a shallow, stupid man-whore?”   DONNA: (laughing) Well, deny it all you want - this is the sweetest I think I’ve ever seen you. But I think it’s good for Jackie that she’s on her own right now. So please tell me you’re not gonna use this trip to crawl all over her too.   HYDE: I told you - she didn’t feel anything.   Donna sighs and reaches out to rub Hyde’s shoulder.   DONNA: Ugh, I can’t believe Kelso. And what about poor Fez? We’re leaving him all alone this whole weekend.   HYDE: Actually, I think he’ll be fine. He had some plans.   CUT TO:   INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY   A packed theater sits back to enjoy a special screening of WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY. Pan across the first row until we arrive on FEZ, munching away at popcorn and chocolate. His eyes are wide and his mouth hangs open.   FILM (aud. only):  Who can take a sunrise (who can take a sunrise) Sprinkle it with dew (sprinkle it with dew) Cover it with choc'late and a miracle or two...   Fez sits up straight and sings out, as loud as he can...   FEZ & FILM:  The Candy Man! Oh, the Candy Man can!   Everyone sitting around Fez glares at him. He smiles apologetically and slumps back down into his seat.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - DAY   LAURIE sits on the couch in her bathrobe. She watches TV and sips at a mug of coffee. KITTY enters through the kitchen door. Seeing Laurie, she sucks in a deep breath and puts on a hard smile.   KITTY: Good afternoon, sunshine. We missed you at lunch. And breakfast. And dinner last night.   LAURIE: Yeah...I would’ve made it, but it interfered with my plans to not spend more time in this dump than I have to.   KITTY: (laughs) So, ah - what do you have planned for the day?   LAURIE: Same as every day. Lie here, do my nails, avoid talking to you. It’s not going that well so far.   Kitty crosses to turn off the TV. Laurie makes a hollow gesture of protest, but doesn’t stir from her spot as Kitty joins her on the couch.   KITTY: Honey, you’ve done nothing but party all night and sleep all day for months.   LAURIE: Oh, come on, Mom.   KITTY: Oh, not “come on.” Sweetie, I’m worried about you. The way you’re going, you’re going to end up like...like Aunt Martha.   Laurie sits up straight.   LAURIE: You think I’ll end up like Fat Martha? With the beer gut?   KITTY: The poor woman couldn’t even play putt-putt.   Laurie stands.   LAURIE: I can’t believe you’d say that about your own daughter! And I can’t play putt-putt either, but only because it’s really hard to get it in the hole!   She storms upstairs. Kitty picks up the coffee mug she left behind.   KITTY: Not a problem anyone’s ever had with you, I’m sure.   CUT TO:   EXT. LAKESIDE - DAY   Hyde and Eric unload the van as Donna, Kelso, and JACKIE stand back and take in the small, rickety ICE SHACK sitting on top of the frozen lake. Kelso grins, while the girls look incredulous.   DONNA:  This is your uncle’s cabin?   KELSO: Yeah...now that we’re here, I guess I can tell you that part too. It’s more of an ice shack.   JACKIE: It’s an outhouse!   Kelso crosses over to a large metal barrel just outside the shack.   KELSO: No, this is the outhouse. And the hot tub.   The girls glare. They join Eric and Hyde on their way back to the van, but Kelso walks after them.   KELSO (con’d): It’s for fishing. My uncle comes out here all the time! It’s gonna be a blast. Just us, in this beautiful snow. And we can catch all the fish we want!   HYDE: So, on the ride back from this weekend in Hell, we can enjoy the smell of dead fish the whole way home? Oh, boy!   Jackie moves to Hyde’s left, as far from Kelso as she can get. Donna takes a step closer to Eric.   DONNA: It’s kind of cold.   ERIC: Oh, here - take my jacket.   He shrugs his jacket off and drapes it over Donna’s shoulders.   DONNA: I love you!   ERIC: God, were are such the...   They both turn to look at Kelso.   ERIC (cont’d): ...Perfect couple.   Kelso rolls his eyes. Jackie shivers.   JACKIE: I’m cold, too.   KELSO: Well, damn, Jackie, I can’t control the weather!   He notices Eric and Donna glaring at him, and the lights click on. He makes a big show of taking his jacket off and presenting it to Jackie. It is now her turn to roll her eyes.   JACKIE: Forget it. Donna, let’s go inside.   DONNA: (to Eric) How does that sound to you, honey?   ERIC: I think that sounds like a great idea, sweetie.   DONNA: Oh my God, let’s go!   The two of them link hands and follow Jackie towards the ice shack. Kelso starts to follow, but Jackie holds up a hand to stop him.   JACKIE: You’re not coming in.   KELSO: What? Jackie, it’s freezing out here!   ERIC: Well, Kelso, you can always warm yourself up in the hot tub toilet.   He drums lightly on the rim of the barrel. He disappears inside the shack with Donna. Jackie lingers in the doorway and looks at Hyde, still by the van.   JACKIE: Steven, are you coming?   HYDE: In a bit. Think I’ll fumigate the van for a little while first.   JACKIE: Won’t you be cold?   HYDE: I don’t feel anything.   He and Jackie look at each other. Jackie breaks away first, disappearing inside the shack and closing the door behind her. Kelso crosses over to Hyde and scoffs.   KELSO: Man, can you believe this? I mean, what’s the point of bringing Eric and Donna along if copying all his dorky moves doesn’t work?   HYDE: Yeah, man. It’s almost as if pretending to be someone you’re not is a bad idea.   KELSO: I know, right? I mean, that’s impossible, but it’s so close to what’s happening here.   Hyde sighs, claps Kelso on the shoulder, and pulls him along as he steps into the van.   BUMPER   INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY   WILLY WONKA continues. The “PURE IMAGINATION” song plays off-screen. Fez is now chewing a piece of bubble gum. As the song’s first three chimes sound, he blows a bubble. On the second three chimes, he sucks the bubble back in his mouth. He repeats this pattern two more times, the bubble getting larger and larger each time, until...   CUT TO:   The bubble blows up, becoming a pink BUMPER.   FEZ (v.o.): Ai!   FADE TO:   INT. ICE SHACK - EVENING   The shack is even dirtier looking on the inside, with various pieces of fishing gear and winter clothing adorning the rough walls. Benches surround three sides of a square cut in the ice. Eric and Donna share the right bench, while Jackie sits on the center one. Eric has a fishing line in the water.   ERIC: (flat) Boy, ice fishing’s fun. Don’t you just love it here, Donna?   DONNA: Oh, Eric... it doesn’t matter where we are. It’s being together that makes it fun.   ERIC: You’d rather be anywhere else, wouldn’t you?   DONNA: Literally anywhere. You know me so well.   ERIC: Eskimo kiss!   They start nuzzling noses. Jackie looks on in disgust.   JACKIE: What the hell is with you two today?   Eric drapes an arm around Donna, and they both smile at Jackie.   ERIC: Oh, didn’t Kelso tell you? We’re the... (with Donna) Perfect couple.   JACKIE: Yeah - perfectly nauseating!   ERIC: Well, if you don’t like what you see in here, missy, there’s some beautiful scenery and a wind chill near 10 just waiting for you outside.   JACKIE: At least you’re better company than Michael. God, can you believe that idiot? Who drags all their friends to small, smelly shack like this? I don’t even think we can fit everyone in here!   ERIC: (flat) Oh, no. How could Kelso make such a terrible mistake?   Jackie pouts and looks at the door.   JACKIE: What’s keeping Steven?   ERIC: Oh, a little worried about “Steven,” are we?   Donna swats his chest playfully, and he withdraws his arm from her shoulder.   DONNA: Jackie, we were talking earlier how it’s a little strange you didn’t have anything to say after your date with Hyde.   JACKIE: I didn’t think there was anything to say. I mean, at the time, I thought it was the most romantic moment of my life. Steven was jealous, he defended my honor, he took me out... but when we got to the kiss, there just wasn’t anything there.   ERIC: Wait, so - Hyde can’t french? Well, that is just so good to know.   JACKIE: It wasn’t that, idiot. Steven said he didn’t feel anything either... but only after I said I didn’t feel anything. And just now, when I asked him if he was cold, he said it again. But not like he really didn’t feel anything. More like he was upset.   ERIC: Jackie, to be fair, we’re sitting in a shack we were told was a cabin, with a trash can just outside that’s going to be our toilet and bath for the whole weekend. “Upset” covers pretty much everyone right now.   JACKIE: Oh my God... oh my God, Donna! What if Steven did feel something? And he just covered it up because he’s vulnerable and afraid and thinks no one would ever love him because he’s so poor? Steven!   She rises and starts for the door, but Donna reaches out to take her sleeve. Jackie sits back down.   DONNA: Okay, Jackie, slow down. Ever since you and Kelso broke up, you’ve been all over the place with guys.   JACKIE: But Donna, I have to talk to Steven. What if -   DONNA: Listen, Jackie. Okay, so maybe you go talk to him, but I’m just saying – maybe some time alone would be good for you.   ERIC: Yeah, Jackie. At least until you find your... (puts his arm back around Donna) Perfect couple.   DONNA: (laughs) Yeah. (beat) And, you know. After that, too. Sometimes.   ERIC: What do you mean?   DONNA: Well, Eric, I love you, but I need some time for me too.   ERIC: Yeah, but that’s not what you’re talking about. You’re talking about time to yourself as in, not being with anyone. Are you saying you’d want a break from... from us?   DONNA: Eric, it’s not a big deal. I mean, you need some time to yourself too. It’s not like we go everywhere together. We don’t go to the bathroom together.   ERIC: (voice breaking) Well, we’ll have to up here, lady! We don’t have a choice!   CUT TO:   INT. VAN - EVENING   Concurrent with the previous scene. A CIRCLE is in progress, starting on Hyde.   HYDE: Man, Kelso, I am so happy I’m not in your shoes right now. Every part of your plan - the trip, the cabin, copying Forman - has backfired. This was such a good way to blow that poker money!   Pan to Kelso.   KELSO: Jackie just doesn’t know how much fun ice fishing is. I was out here for four days with my uncle once. He fell in the ice, lost all his fish, and woke up a hibernating bear. I laughed my ass off! And I’m tired of everyone ragging on the shack. It’s cozy.   Pan to Hyde.   HYDE: Kelso, “cozy” is sharing a bed, or a couch, or the back seat of a Lincoln. If you want to get down and dirty in a place that’s down and dirty, you gotta be up-front about it.   Pan to Kelso.   KELSO: You’re just not thinking about what you can do when you throw a cot over the ice hole and... wait. Jackie drives her dad’s Lincoln...   Pan to Hyde.   HYDE: Yeah, well, that’s... whatever. Look, Kelso - why do you even wanna do this, man? You’re still with Laurie, and Jackie’s moving on. Seeing other people. And some of them are pretty cool. Can’t you just give her a break?   Pan to Kelso.   KELSO: Man, it’s just not the same with Laurie. I mean, I know Jackie. I understand Jackie. And... wait. You’re one of the cool guys who saw Jackie!   The Circle is broken. Hyde and Kelso stare at each other from opposite ends of the back of the van.   HYDE: What?   KELSO: Yeah, you took her on that date on Veteran’s Day!   HYDE: No I didn’t.   KELSO: You so did! And you’re keeping me in here, when I could be in there doing it!   HYDE: You moron! Did you forget Forman and Donna are in there?   KELSO: You did it with her in the Lincoln, didn’t you? Man, you don’t do that with another guy’s girl! That was where we used to do it!   HYDE: We didn’t do it! And Jackie’s not “your girl” anymore!   KELSO: Well, is she yours?   HYDE: She’s nobody’s, man! She said it herself, the kiss meant nothing!   KELSO: (gasps)  You’re dead, Hyde!   Kelso launches himself across the van at Hyde, and the two begin wrestling. Hyde strikes Kelso in the head right as the van begins to rock violently. The boys stop their fight, look at each other, and bolt for the exit.   CUT TO:   EXT. ICE SHACK - EVENING   The door to the shack opens, and Eric, Donna, and Jackie spill out just as Hyde and Kelso leap out of the back of the van. Hyde’s sunglasses are crooked and he holds his right hand in his left. Kelso has his right hand over his right eye. The cracking sound continues.   ERIC: You guys, what happened?   KELSO: I don’t know. All of a sudden, the van just started shaking!   HYDE:  “All of a sudden?” You jumped me, you tool!   DONNA: Uh...guys?   Everyone turns to watch as Kelso’s van slowly sinks into the ice. Kelso looks horrified, while the others seem torn between anger and schadenfreude.   A splash of water shoots up as the van begins sinking quicker. Everyone takes a step back. Kelso looks around pleadingly, to no avail. The van disappears beneath the water.   HYDE: Man, this master plan just keeps getting better and better. For me.   JACKIE: (to Kelso) Michael, what “master plan?”   KELSO: Who cares, Jackie? I’m losing my van!   Jackie pouts at Kelso as he stares at the hole where his van used to be. Hyde rubs his right hand, and Eric and Donna glare at each other.   FADE TO BLACK   COMMERCIAL   BUMPER   INT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT   Later that night. Donna sits on the right bench alone, while Jackie and Hyde share the left bench. Donna has her arms crossed, and Jackie watches while Hyde holds a cold beer can to the knuckles of his right hand.   Someone bangs on the door.   KELSO (v.o.): Okay guys, I’m getting really tired of being kicked out of my shack!   No one even looks up.   ERIC (v.o.): Donna? Honey? I think this is enough alone time for one night, okay?   DONNA: (stands) Can it, you dill holes!   She sits back down.   JACKIE: God, how could Michael think this would win me back? After all the crap he did, it’d take a ski trip to Aspen before I’d even consider letting him touch me again.   HYDE: You mean you’d consider it at all?   JACKIE: (beat) No. Why, do you care?   HYDE: Whatever.   They look away from each other. Another knock comes to the door.   ERIC (v.o.): Okay, we’re gonna go for help, but just so you know - Kelso’s already talking about sharing warmth, and I don’t know how long this walk is, so you just think about that during your alone time, missy!   Donna, Jackie, and Hyde all share looks of disgust.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT   Kitty paces behind the couch nervously while RED sits in his chair, reading the paper. Laurie enters from the stairs.   LAURIE: Alright, I’m here. Let’s get this over with.   She throws herself down on the couch.   KITTY: Good evening to you too. Honey, we feel that you need some direction in your life.   RED: (not looking up) And by we, she means her.   Kitty scowls at Red before turning back to Laurie.   KITTY: Laurie, you have no future ahead of you, and you have nothing in your life right now. Just look at how you spent today. You sat around, watched TV, and drank all your father’s beer.   RED: (looks up) And in the future, Laurie - always save one beer for Daddy.   LAURIE: (to Kitty) Look, will you get off my back? I have a plan for my future, all right? Find a guy who’s loaded and get married.   KITTY: You? Married? I think you left out the part about the unexpected pregnancy and the quickie divorce for your fiancé!   RED: See, Kitty? She has it all worked out. She’ll find someone who’s nice, and... not Kelso. Someone who can take care of her.   LAURIE: Exactly! (beat) But - Daddy, I could have a career of my own if I wanted, right?   RED: (beat) Well, sure. I just don’t want you to set yourself up for... like what happened at the college. If you set the bar too high, the fall might be... you’re just so pretty!   KITTY: Oh, I give up.   She storms upstairs. Red stands.   RED: Kitty, wait! (to Laurie) Here’s five dollars.   He slips her a five and runs after his wife. Laurie stares at the money and sighs.   The doorbell rings. Laurie stands and crosses to the door. She opens it to reveal Fez, his face and hair a sticky pink mess of bubble gum.   LAURIE: What the hell happened to you?   FEZ: Please don’t laugh. They all laughed. The audience, the usher, the ticket boy... even the Oompa-Loompas seemed to mock me with their doompaty-doo-doo.   Laurie bites her finger to keep back a laugh.   FEZ (cont’d): I cannot get the sticky out! Help me, please?   LAURIE: (shrugs) Well, at least someone’s day sucks worse than mine. Get in here.   She takes Fez by the shoulder and pulls him inside. She struggles to get her hand free. Once she does, she lightly pokes him in the back with one finger to guide him into the kitchen.   CUT TO:   INT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT   Donna stands and looks out the window. Hyde and Jackie still share the left bench. Hyde now drinks his beer, while Jackie holds his right hand and examines his knuckles.   JACKIE: What I don’t understand, Steven, is why you’d even come on this stupid trip if you didn’t care about what Michael was up to.   HYDE: Have you been sleeping? Gilligan screws up less than Kelso. This is prime-time entertainment here - with beer.   He holds up his can and takes a sip.   JACKIE: Then why did you keep Michael outside instead of watching him try something with me? And – (holds up Hyde’s hand) What were you two fighting about in the van?   HYDE: (beat) Boy, Forman’s sure been gone a long time, huh, Donna?   DONNA: Yeah. I hope he’s okay. But what did he have to get so worked up for? I’m with him. I love him. Why can’t he see that “time alone” for me doesn’t mean “time broken up from him?”   HYDE: Come on, Donna. Give him a break. Forman’s still in shock you’re even with him. So just ‘cause he’s a little insecure, you leave him out there with Kelso? I don’t know what that guy meant by “sharing warmth,” but whatever it is, Forman’s not gonna like it.   DONNA: (laughs) Okay, maybe that was a little much. (looks back to window) I wish they’d get back soon.   JACKIE: (to Hyde) And what about your insecurities, Steven? Did you or did you not feel something after our date?   HYDE: Does it matter? You didn’t feel anything.   JACKIE: Well...   HYDE: 'Well?' What do you mean, 'well?' You're gonna tell me you did feel something now?   JACKIE: (beat) Ugh, I don’t know anymore! Everything is a mess! Michael’s still after me, Fez was after me, I was after you but you didn’t want me, then I thought I didn’t feel anything with you and you said you didn’t either but I think you did, and Donna says I should take a break and be alone even though I don’t want to be, and I’m wet and hungry and I hate the smell of dead fish!   Jackie throws Hyde’s hand away, screams, and buries her face in her hands. Hyde turns to look at her.   HYDE: All right, fine, Jackie. You wanna know? I feel...   He looks to Donna, who shakes her head.   HYDE (cont’d): I feel... I feel like Donna’s right, man. All this crap with Kelso and Fez and... forget it, man. Take some time for yourself.   Donna gives a small nod. Jackie looks to Hyde.   JACKIE: Is that all you feel?   HYDE: No... I feel like I busted my hand on Kelso’s head.   Donna laughs as Hyde bends down to put his hand on the ice.   CUT TO:   INT. FORMAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT   Red leads Kitty back down the stairs.   RED: Now, try not to worry so much, Kitty. Laurie’s just our little girl, after all.   KITTY: She was a little girl ten years ago, Red. She is a woman, and that woman is going to end up with a beer gut and gout.   Red sighs. He takes Kitty over to the couch, and they both sit down.   Laurie bursts in from the kitchen.   LAURIE: (to Kitty) Okay, look. The reason I haven’t done anything with my life is because I didn’t know what I wanted to do.   KITTY: Well, sweetie, the post office has a dental plan that’s -   LAURIE: Shhh! But earlier tonight, something happened that made me realize my passion: hair!   KITTY: (beat) The musical?   LAURIE: No! (she tugs on her hair) Hair! Look!   She steps to the right of the kitchen door and holds out her hands in presentation. Fez steps out, with a short, closely-cropped hairstyle. All trace of gum is gone. He stands with his hands on his hips and a very satisfied expression.   LAURIE (cont’d): Fez had an accident, and I fixed it! And when I thought about it, I could see that this is where all my talents were! Mom, Daddy - I’m going to beauty school!   KITTY: This isn’t something you do through the mail, is it?   LAURIE: No. It’s a real school!   KITTY: Oh. Well... yay!   She starts applauding.   RED: Congratulations, sweetheart!   LAURIE: Thanks, Daddy! (to Fez) Come on, Fez. Let me practice a manicure on you, and I’ll introduce you to my easy friend Susanne.   Fez grins, and lets Laurie usher him back into the kitchen.   RED: So, Kitty, what do you think?   KITTY: Eh.   RED: Yeah.   He turns on the TV, and they settle down on the couch.   CUT TO:   INT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT   Everyone is still in their same places. A knock sounds at the door. Donna hurries to unlock it. Eric is waiting outside, his cheeks and nose red with the cold and frost caked in his hair.   DONNA: Oh my God. Are you all right?   ERIC: Oh, yeah. Three-mile walk to the nearest rest stop, three miles back, snow, wind chill, Kelso trying to cuddle the whole way. No big deal.   Donna cups his head in her hands and kisses him.   DONNA: Eric, I’m sorry.   ERIC: (beat) Me too. (gestures over his shoulder) One of the truckers offered us a ride. He’s waiting outside.   DONNA: My hero.   ERIC: Perfect couple?   They share another Eskimo kiss, gather up their things, and head outside. Jackie and Hyde stand. As Jackie collects her bag, Hyde takes his jacket off and puts it around her. She looks at him.   HYDE: (shrugs) You looked kind of cold.   JACKIE: Thank you.   She briefly places a hand on his cheek. They get their things and head outside.   CUT TO:   EXT. ICE SHACK - NIGHT   Kelso is standing right by the doorway of the shack as Hyde and Jackie leave. He notices Hyde’s coat around Jackie, and that the two are walking closely together and smiling at one another. He gasps in shock.   FADE TO BLACK   CREDITS   INT. FORMAN BASEMENT - NIGHT   Fez, in his new haircut with Eric’s bathrobe over his clothes and Red’s hat in his hands, dances around the basement while “I’VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET” plays on the record player. He uses a pool cue as a cane.   RECORD (aud. only): I never dreamed that I would climb Over the moon in ecstasy But nevertheless, it’s there that I’m shortly about to be   ‘Cause I’ve got a golden ticket I’ve got a golden chance to make my way And with a golden ticket, it’s a golden day!   END.