#i think i know why i hate ruin and its the fact im clingy and hes drifty or whatever

[heyitsyn]

Prince Iwa-Chan

Oikawa!Sister x Iwaizumi Hajime

a/n: it aggravates me that my mans bara-arms-iwa-chan is so UNDERRATED!!!!

requests open!!

like look mom, im in love

ofc youre an oikawa

tbh, i dont think iwa wouldve been comfortable w you when yall first met

lets say youre a year younger than tooru

its a well-known fact that theyve been friends since they were really young so you, being oiks’ baby sister, was also part of your little trio

like lets say they met when they were 6

that would make you about 5

since yall have an older sister, you were exposed to the girly girl stuff like dolls and princesses

ngl, tooru was too thats why hes so flamboyant

but seems his fashion style refutes that

ya didnt hear that from me

anyways

tooru had already developed a deep fascination w volleyball bc he saw it being played during the 2000 summer olympics

but you remained w your sister and continued letting her treat you like a princess

im not really sure how old his sister is but lets say she was about around middle school when you were 5-6

however, tooru still made you play w him even though you didnt know how but you didnt care bc you were close w your brother so you would play ball w him

then came along iwaizumi hajime that tooru met from school

he found out that this boy also liked volleyball and tooru yeeted them both home so they could go and play at the back yard

you peeked from your window and you just thought iwa was the most handsome boy youve ever met

ofc, you just bolted down the stairs to where your brother and his friend was

oiks saw you standing by the door w a red face and him, being still a child and not understanding crushes, thought you were sick

he went to you and beckoned hajime to follow him inside

tooru sat you down and asked if you were okay but you just kept staring at hajime

he figured that you were just confused as to who this person was

‘oh! iwa-chan! this is my little sister, y/n! y/n, this is my classmate, iwaizumi hajime!’

cue iwa hitting him at the head

‘i can introduce myself perfectly fine, bakakawa!’

iwaizumi hajime,,,

iwaizumi hajimeee,

iwaizumi y/n

that thought made you turn even redder and you squealed in embarrassment before running back to your room

lmao what

if your personality doesnt align w this, i deeply apologize

i just think if you were an oikawa, you would bound to immediately also be drawn to this handsome specimen named iwaizumi hajime

he be getting the oikawas though

iwa was actually concerned but oiks waved it off

‘don’t worry, iwa-chan. shes weird like that. lets go toss the ball!’

so that was kinda how he met you

now, since hajime basically lived in your house by how much him and your brother hung out, youve slowly mellowed out and gotten to be friends w him

despite your hatred w bugs, you still went w them to explore just bc you wanted to be around hajime

lmao tooru youre now irrelevant

hajime didnt mind and he always made sure you were okay with the adventures of the day

even though you were only like a year younger, he cant help but baby you bc of your much smaller height than him and overall cute baby face

one day, they both came home from school all sweaty bc they raced home

‘iwa-chan! you can settle in the living room while i go shower!’

‘don’t call me iwa-chan, bakakawa!’

‘then stop calling me that!’

he sat down on the couch and started doing his homework when he heard you come home from school

lmao how do little japanese kids go back and forth from school to home at the age of 6

idek how to cross the street

‘tadaima’

‘oh, okaeri, y/n’

you perked up at his voice and you ran to the living room, seeing him

‘iwa-chan!’

he grunted and you threw yourself to him in a hug

if your personality doesnt align w this, i deeply apologize

i just think if you were an oikawa, you would bound to immediately also be drawn to this handsome specimen named iwaizumi hajime

part 2

tbh it doesnt even faze him anymore since you do this to him every time

he continues doing homework and just wraps one arm around you and starts patting your head

‘tooru-nii?’

‘shower’

‘okay’

then silence

but its the good kind of silence

you and iwa just sit there with you snuggled up on him while he continues to add numbers

then it was ruined

by the pterodactyl oikawa tooru who comes flying down the stairs and glomps on to iwa’s other side

‘y/n-chan! stop hogging iwa-chan!’

‘he’s mine, tooru-nii!!’

you pout while iwa turns and gives him a glare

‘shut up, bakakawa! and stop calling me that!’

‘aahh!! you were mine first, iwa-chan!’

‘i was never yours! be quiet!’

‘itai, iwa-chan!’

‘he’s mine forever! we’re going to get married so butt out, nii-chan!’

‘HAH?!’

once everything calms down, yall actually start your homework and work

‘anything happen today, y/n-chan?’

oikawa always asked that question bc he believes its his duty as older brother to be caught up in your life

thats actually annoying bruv

‘hmm, me and the girls in my class were playing princess tea party today and a boy asked to be my prince.’

‘WHAT!’

oikawa is 7 now and he faintly has an idea about crushes and his father made him promise that he would protect you from nasty boys

‘calm down, bakakawa’

iwa mumbled, continuing his homework but also paying attention

‘WHAT!? NO! WHATD YOU SAY, Y/N-CHAN! YOUR BROTHER IS THE ONLY PRINCE YOU NEED!’

‘i told him i already have a prince’

oikawa was so smug and crossed his arms

‘hm, serves them right-’

‘prince iwa-chan and i are going to get married and live in a castle so there’s no room for anybody else’

iwa had to double check and turned red really fast

like who was this iwa-chan

wait, what his name?

his name has iwa in it

is he iwa-chan?

y/n’s prince iwa-chan?

was he really iwa-chan?

‘NO! YOUR NII-SAN IS YOUR PRINCE! IWA-CHAN CAN BE YOUR KNIGHT OR SOMETHING! BUT IM YOUR PRINCE!’

you glared at tooru and shook your head

‘no. iwa-chan is my prince’

you were so shamless about this fact

lmao i want your confidence

from then on, youve called iwa as your prince

like his name on your phone is literally prince iwa-chan

then when you were in middle school, you’ve started calling iwa as haji-senpai

there wasnt even a large event that spawned this

well,,, actually,,

youve noticed that iwa hated the nickname ‘iwa-chan’ a lot and he hit tooru many times bc of it so you stopped calling him that bc you didnt want him to be mad at you

so you started calling him senpai bc he was technically an upperclassman

when you first called him this, iwa was lowkey shook

‘haji,,,, senpai?’

you nodded from your spot on the couch, not looking up from your homework

‘see? i can only call iwa-chan, iwa-chan! OOF!’

that was iwa hitting tooru at the face with his pencil case

‘y/n, you dont have to call me that. we’ve known each other since we were little so you dont have to call me by an upperclassman term’

you shrugged

‘i know. but you dont like it when you’re called iwa-chan, do you?’

‘not if it’s by this trash’

he jutted a thumb to the fallen tooru

‘so,,,, iwa-chan is fine?’

your eyes sparkled at the permission of being able to freely call him that without worry

he gulps at your face and turns away to hide his red face before nodding

‘my prince iwa-chan!’

‘no! my iwa-chan!’

‘shut up shittykawa!’

‘itai, iwa-chan!’

keeping up with the oikawas

this nickname will forever be stuck

since you went to the same middle school, you were known to be around your brother and iwa and even staying behind for practice to walk home w them

it became a bit of a joke to the team of you picking up your prince

one day, a teammate called iwa, ‘prince iwa-chan’ and he almost busted a fuse

was ready to square up bc only his babie can call him that

but when you came through the door

‘prince iwa-chan! your princess is here!’

he turned all soft and squishy and pats your head so gently that they couldnt believe this is the same boy who is the ace

you were interested in volleyball so you were kinda friends w the team but you didnt really care for the sport, mainly focusing on your academics

thats how it really was for you three

they focused on sports while you studied

oh my here comes highschool

oikawa and iwa were already known throughout the FREAKING PREFECTURE bc of how TALENTED THEY ARE AT VOLLEYBALL

and you were already known by your pretty face and your cute personality

basically genderbent oikawa

and just wanted to stop you from reading by telling you that you are beautiful and you are a KWEEN and you are a GODDESS and confidence is the most beautiful thing to wear and best of all, it’s free!!

ofc, youd have to go to aoba johsai bc your brother was there

‘y/n-chan! you need to go where your brother is! you love him, don’t you?’

‘sure, tooru’

you actually went to seijoh bc you would see iwa 

you didnt hear that from me

your first day, boys (and gals) were already flocking towards you when they saw you walking with iwa and tooru

still being the overprotective brother since day1, oikawa was just snarling at anyone getting close to his baby sister

lmao what baby

hes only like a year older

but iwa was being terrirorial protective bc he finds it as an obligation as tooru’s best friend and your childhood friend

when oiks wasn’t paying attention and being drowned by his fangirls, iwa was your bodyguard

there was this one boy who started walking towards you as yall were going to your class but hajime placed an arm around your waist and pulled you closer

‘oh? i’m only at the first floor, iwa-chan. don’t get all clingy now’

lmao, girl hes trying to show that boy that hes your unofficial mans and will cut off his family jewels if he tries to even BREATHE in your direction

umm,,, iwa’s not yandere in this one yall

iwa just rolls his eyes and makes you walk forward until yall are at your door

‘i’ll see you later, iwa-chan!’

‘yea yea. i’ll pick you up’

he starts to walk down the hallway but you poke your head back out and shout

‘i miss you already, prince iwa-chan!’

he turns red all over and freezes for a 0.0002 seconds before raising a hand without turning around

now ladies and genitals

this is when iwa-chan starts to catch feelings like he catches them spikes

your cute smling face and saying his dumb nickname that he actually loves was like a recipe for a stroke for him

it has come to the point at the mere thought of you would make him all flustered and red

it tripled over when this happened:

puberty was kinda late for you and you actually just woke up looking like a goddess one day and you were like, lmao what

your chest just ballooned up and your height just skyrocketed that your skirt was now very short

ew i dont know what i would do in this situation

you were self-conscious about this and was kinda scared 

obvs, you would scream for your mother and she and your father and brother bolts up to your bedroom thinking there was a whole michael meyers in your room

but when you explained that your uniform doesnt fit anymore, she starts making appointments to get you fitted for another one

but you had to wait for a few days

so you went to school looking like a whole snacc

more of a snacc than you did before

when iwa saw you, he had a literal nosebleed in the middle of campus and runs to the bathroom to get all cleaned up

why in the name of asahi do you look like that?!

when you saw your prince look at you in horror and run away, you cried

you were already very self-conscious and him doing that just topped the cake

cake that tooru doesnt have

oop imsorry

tooru reassures you that he had a nosebleed and he was just sick and ran to not get any blood on his clothes

but you just walked away with your head down low

it didnt matter to you if this caught all the student body’s attention

that their precious oikawa y/n, little sister of the oikawa tooru, was a walking perfection goddess Venus

all that you cared about was iwa’s opinions bc he was your prince and your best friend

girl, accept that you actually like the mans

this was the worst day of your entire life and you went straight to your locker to get your gym clothes out and wear it for the day

it was tight but at least it covered skin

and it still attracted enough attention to be catcalled and whistled at

it felt violating

the entire morning, there was more attention and more people flocked over to you and guys were staring at you as if you were a piece of meat, not a girl

‘harry potter is a boy! not a piece of meat!’

sorry i cant help it

you were so uncomfortable that you called your brother during lunch time to come pick you up for lunch bc you were too scared to walk alone after being catcalled during your walk to your class

tooru sends out iwa to go help you as an apology from this morning and he just runs to your class bc you were in trouble and he was going to protect you!!

go iwa-chan!

he finds you sitting on your chair, looking down at your desk as there seemed to be boys piled up on top of each other, trying to get your attention

first world problems, amirite

‘OI!’

that angry grunt but at 2x bass boosted

hearing his voice, you were still embarrassed from earlier but you were so relieved

‘iwa-chan!’

iwa pushes people away and he grabs your hand to pull you up before wrapping an arm around your waist, protectively

‘if i see you idiots making her uncomfortable or even trying to touch her, i will destroy you’

protection and the feeling of safety is my fave

he leads you out of there to the stairway where him and his teammates were eating

he held your hand tightly and you squeezed it, trying to show that you were grateful

even if they were still male, your brother was there and if something happened, they were both strong enough to take them on

besides, its just mattsun and maki anyways

tooru saw you and he hugged you before leading you to the 2 others

‘guys, this is y/n, my sister. that’s mattsun and that’s makki.’

you slightly smiled and raised a hand in greeting

‘yo’

‘hello’

to be safe, iwa made you sit a step down from him so that if something happens, he could protect you

idk how but you do you boo

‘i can protect her too, iwa-chan!’

‘shut up, shittykawa. youre literally sticks and bones’

‘so mean! iwa-chan, you’re so mean!’

you giggled, head leaning down to rest on iwa’s right thigh since you were full and tired and he runs his hand through your hair

mattsun and makki shared a look before asking

‘are you dating our ace, y/n-chan?’

at the mention of dating, you both turned red and you sat up

‘OF COURSE NOT, MATTSUN, MAKKI!’

iwa shouts but his red face and ears betrayed him

‘iwa-chan grew up with us so he’s naturally like that. we’ve adopted him into our family!’

oikawa explained but you looked at him and he gave you a knowing look

oh he noticed everything

the lingering looks during practice

the bashful smiles during hang outs at home

unnecessary touches during the walk to school

oikawa may be annoying but he’s observant and he is smart

after that fiasco, the two boys were a little wary of letting you walk home alone so iwa offered to take you since he was already making more progress and didnt need extra practice while tooru wanted to practice more

‘iwa-chan, can we go to your house this time?’

he turned to look at you curiously since you never ask to go to his place

‘i miss your mom and ive been meaning to go visit her. so can we, iwa-chan?’

you squeezed his hand and showcased your pleading look making him agree

‘fine’

his house wasn’t a frequently hung out spot since your house was closer but you were still familiar with his home since his mother was fond of you

‘tadaima’

mama iwaizumi peaked from the kitchen and greeted him home before squealing at the sight of the youngest oikawa

‘oh my, y/n-chan! hello!’

‘hello, auntie!’ 

she gave you a big hug and you returned it with a laugh

iwa just standing there to the side with a smile bc his mom approves so all is good in life

‘you’ve grown so much, y/n-chan! so much prettier too!’ you turned bashful at her compliments.

then she leaned forward to whisper in your ear but made her voice loud

‘say, has my son finally ask you to be his girlfriend?’

omg mama iwaizumi really ships it

iwa turns red and complains to his mom about being in his business too much

‘don’t be so timid, hajime! y/n-chan could be taken from under your nose any minute now!’

‘dont you think i know that’ he mumbles but very lowly so that no one hears him

but you decide to tease him more

‘no. but i’m waiting for it. i’ll tell you once he does, auntie!’

fed up with the teasing, he grabs you and drags you up to his room to change into comfortable clothing

you sit on his bed while he rummages through his closet for a sweatshirt and sweatpants

‘here! change into these!’ he shouts, still flustered and refusing to look at your eyes

youre an oikawa and you lived to tease so you stood up, tossing the clothes to the side and wrapping your arms around his neck

ooo gurl you want iwa to die today, don’t you?

he gets even redder and scowls

‘oi, y/n, what are you doing’

you shook your head

‘nothing. i just miss my prince iwa-chan. you were so brave for saving me today, prince iwa-chan’

the nickname used to not affect him that much but now, he watches the it fall from your cherry lips

‘say my name’

you furrowed your eyebrows

‘iwa-chan?’

he gently shakes his head no

‘my real name’

‘iwaizumi hajime’

you say, distracted at the way his mouth moves

‘and what’s yours?’

‘iwaizumi y/n’

you breathed out

he growls softly before taking your sinful lips

wowza jesus took the wheel bc he stepped on that pedal

we going straight 100 mph up in this bih

iwa really said, ‘skip the confession. imma go straight for my babie girl’s lips. also, proposal who? let’s go get married in vegas!’

it wasnt even been literally 15 minutes until you came bounding the stairs wearing hajime’s signature grey hoodie with his seijoh sweatpants and calling for your auntie to announce you were now dating are going to get married

‘WHAT!?’ 

she screams and comes running from the kitchen, holding a ladle

you flashed a grin while iwa shows a small smile with red cheeks from behind you before telling you that you were both too young to get married

‘i told ya you would be the first to know’

after dinner, you call your brother and hes like, ‘okay, since you’re not at home i’m assuming youre at iwa’s’

‘omgomgomg, nii-chan! i just had dinner with my boyfriend’s family! they accepted me!’

‘BOYFRIEND?! DOES IWA-CHAN KNOW!? HOW COULD YOU BREAK HIS HEART?!’

oikawa just has that special type of voice that even without being on speaker phone, it sounds like he is

iwa laughs at his friend’s worried questions

‘better hand over your princess to the prince, grand king’

oikawa screamed

i hope i did my mans justice 

[cityofimagines]

My Angel – JJ Maybank x Reader

Summary: your relationship with JJ is still relatively new, but that doesn’t stop you from showing just how much your care about him after his has an episode with his dad.

A/N: this popped into my brain randomly because im in love with fluffy jj, and jj in general. i literally just wanna give him the biggest hug in the world 🥺 this is also my first real obx imagine so lmk what you guys think!! 

warnings: mentions of abuse

word count: 1841

It was currently a perfect day in the Outer Banks. 86 degrees, not a cloud in the sky, on your way to meet your friends on the dock. You finally found a time when everyone was off work simultaneously for the first time this week. John B’s boat was practically rotting from not being used in five days.

You fast walked down the hill to get to the meeting spot. As you got closer, you noticed most of the pogues plus Sarah Cameron, the newest addition to the group thanks to John B, all chatting.

“Hey guys!” You exclaimed as you neared them at the end of the dock.

“Hey (y/n)!” Kie smiled and ran up to give you a short hug.

“What’s up (y/n)?” John B asked, giving you a nod.

You shook your head. “Not much. Just excited to finally see you guys!” Which earned smiles from the rest of the group. Everyone was clad in swimsuits, t shirts, and flip flops, signaling that they were more than ready to get this day going. But before you could, you noticed something major was off. “Where’s JJ?” You asked looking around for your boyfriend.

“We were gonna ask you the same question.” Pope said.

“That’s so weird. We texted earlier and he was obviously down to come...I assumed he’d be the first one here.” You continued.

“Who knows maybe he’s just running a little late. It wouldn’t be the first time anyway.” Kie smiled and put a hand to your arm. “We can wait a few more minutes.”

You had been friends with all of the pogues for about two years now, pretty much since the week you moved here. However, you and JJ had only been dating for less than a month, so this relationship was still fairly new. You couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he was having doubts about you or your relationship. After that thought passed you wondered if something bad happened to him. JJ is known for having not the cleanest record, much to your dismay, so you couldn’t help but think he was in trouble. As more time passed, the more negative overthinking you did.

You checked your phone for any sign of him, but the only notifications present were from Apple telling you to update your software for the millionth time. The rest of the group had descended into a random conversation, but finally after 10 minutes of waiting for him you decided to speak up.

“Hey guys? I think I might go look for him…” You trailed off, looking in the other direction towards the rest of the island.

“It is pretty weird...JJ isn’t one to miss out on days like these.” John B added. “You want us to come with you?”

You smiled at his offer, but declined. “No it’s fine honestly. You guys go have fun. Don’t let me ruin your day.”

“You could never.” Kie said. “You’re sure?”

You nodded. “I promise it’s okay. I’m just scared something happened. I’m gonna go look for him and maybe we’ll meet up with you guys later if we can.”

Since your relationship with JJ was still so new, you were still learning how to manage spending time with him alone and spending time with the rest of your friends. You felt bad for leaving them because you hadn’t hung out all week, but something was pulling you towards JJ in that moment.

“Sounds good.” Kie finished. “Good luck and hopefully we’ll see you later!”

“Thanks guys.” You smiled one last time before turning to walk back towards where you came from. Your car was parked in a lot close by, so it didn’t take long for you to get in there and gather your thoughts. Where could JJ be? He couldn’t be at work, because he’s been working with Pope and his dad lately, so obviously if Pope was at the dock JJ would be too. The only other place he could be would be...his house?

The second that thought dawned on you, your face sank. His house.

JJ opened up about his home life to you pretty quickly into your relationship. You had known each other for so long before that he felt like he could trust you explicitly. He told you all about how his mom left when he was young, and how his dad is a disgusting physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic. This revelation led to a few tears and more than a few sleepovers at your house.

You backed out of the lot and sped down the streets as fast as you possibly could without it being able to technically count as speeding. Your heart was now pounding at the thought that something bad must have happened today involving his dad.

After a too fast car ride you came up on his street. You parked across the street in front of his house, not even daring to go near the driveway because who knows what his dad would do. You weren’t even completely sure his dad knew you existed.

You felt crazy walking around to the back door dressed in a bikini with nothing but an oversized t-shirt covering you, a messy bun sitting on top of your head, sunglasses behind your ears, and cheap flip flops.

Once you got up to the door, your hand hovered in front of it in a knocking position. Suddenly you were terrified. What if JJ wasn’t even here? What if you were just being a stupid worried clingy girlfriend? What if his dad answered? What would you even do in that situation?

A crazy thought came over you and you decided to forego knocking and reach out for the doorknob instead. You turned it quietly and the door clicked open. You closed it behind you and took a look inside at the house you had only seen a couple times before. Beer bottles lined every open surface. Clothes and dishes were strewn everywhere, medicine bottles sat on the kitchen counters. You bit your lip to keep from tearing up at the sight. The fact that this was the only place the boy who had your heart had to call home broke you.

You walked into the living room and jumped a mile when you saw an adult figure on the couch. Luke Maybank, luckily asleep. Still no sign of JJ.

You walked deeper in the house, down the hall to where you knew JJ’s room was. The door was cracked slightly, and you held your ear up to it. Your heart broke even more when the sound of crying filled your ears. You opened the door and it creaked, causing your boyfriend’s head to snap up in your direction.

“JJ…” You began.

“(Y/N)? What the hell are you doing here-” He said, cutting you off.

No words came out of your mouth for a minute as you took in the sight. He was hunched over sitting on his bed, clutching his side. His shaggy blonde hair looked more oily than normal most likely due to his hands running through it excessively. He had a black eye and a split lip, with random patches of dried blood around his mouth. You had heard about his dad’s horrible parenting, but nothing could have prepared you from seeing its effects in real life for the first time.

Finally you came to your senses. “I was looking for you.” You started. “We were all waiting for you on the dock and when you didn’t show up I just had a feeling something was wrong…God JJ why the fuck didn’t you call me? I would’ve come as soon as I cou-”

“Shh baby. It’s okay. I’m okay.” He said. “C’mere.”

You couldn’t help the tears that welled up in your eyes as you took all of three steps towards him. He wrapped his arms around your torso and pulled you in. Your head rested on his.

“It’s not okay!” You cried out, his hair muffling your voice. He shushed you and started rubbing your back.

“I’m fine sweetheart. You shouldn’t even be here anyways-”

“Will you shut up?” You said, the question coming out harsher than you meant. You quickly pulled away and looked down at him. “Shit- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean...I’m just fucking frustrated that you have to go through this. I can’t stand seeing you like this.”

JJ reached up to wipe the tear that had fallen onto your cheek. “It’s nothing I can’t handle. I promise I’m fine. Go back out with everyone. I’ll catch up later.” He said.

“No.” You shook your head. “We’re going to my house. I’m fixing you up.”

“(y/n)...”

“Either you come with me or I’ll help you here.” You gave him an ultimatum.

He sighed and his head fell forwards on your stomach. He was still sitting on his bed and you stood in between his legs. You grabbed his hand in yours. “Please baby. Let me take care of you.”

“Okay. Your house it is.” You helped him up and walked him out to your car. You even helped him into the passenger seat, much to his dismay. Seeing him like this had you seething inside, you couldn’t help but want to love on him with everything you had.

A short drive to your house later, you walked inside and told him to sit down on the couch. Your parents were both at work and you assumed your older sister was with her own friends. You ran to the bathroom to get bandaids, rubbing alcohol, and an ice pack for his eye.

You sat down with everything and began tending to his cuts. You felt like crying again, but reminded yourself to be strong for him.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” You asked after a few moments of silence.

He shook his head. “There’s nothing to talk about. He’s just an asshole.”

“I wish I could do something more to stop it.”

“You do enough. I don’t deserve you.” He said quietly.

“Stop it. If anything I don’t deserve you.” You replied. You took the ice pack off his face for a minute to look into his eyes fully. “You’re the best part of my life JJ Maybank. When you’re hurting so am I.”

He leaned down to kiss your forehead. “My angel.”

You wrapped your arms around his torso delicately so as to not hurt him. You weren’t sure if words could adequately describe what you were feeling regarding JJ, so you just sat in his embrace. He wrapped his arms around you after a few moments. 

“I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of this. I hate making you upset.”

“Not your fault.” You whispered into his shirt. “I would do anything for you. You know that.” 

He pushed your head up to his and planted a passionate kiss to your lips. He pulled away and rested his forehead to yours. You ran a gentle hand up and down his side, feeling him get chills as you traced the muscles that hid underneath his soft skin.

“You wanna sleep?” You asked.

“Honestly...yeah.” He said quietly.

You patted his legs twice signaling for him to stand up. You switched positions so you were sitting behind him.

Once he got comfortable in your lap, you started running your hands through his hair and on his cheek. His eyes fluttered closed.

“I got you sunshine. You’re safe with me.”

[normal-thoughts-official]

Magnus with vivid nightmares or like sleep paralysis lying there terrified and frozen but alec wakes up and notices and comforts him like coaxing him out of it with warm hands on his face grounding him

STRONGLY AGREE

okay iffjfnc im gonna tag my dear, beautiful, brilliant friend @biconicfinn because we were just talking about this the other day and if they want they can add their own ideas and hcs. she was talking to me specifically about Magnus waking up from nightmares and trying desperately to hide them from Alec, so as not to be a burden to him, not wake him up and ruin his night, let him see how high maintenance he is

(I'm tagging you for credit purposes and because i thought you might be interested in this, baby, but dont feel pressured to reply or add or anything)

so I'm thinking specifically he has nightmares about people abandoning him? :)) alec breaking up with him, or leaving one day, or telling him that hes just too tired of him and his crap, raphael forgetting about him, madzie avoiding him, until he's utterly alone and no one wants to talk to him and hes hated and despised and told that hes a monster, hes unlovable, hes clingy and tiring and too much. and he wakes up with half of a gasp on his lips, panting and crying, and feeling just as pathetic as he was told he was in the dream. and maybe normally he would wake Alec up, or just leave the room, oe something, but he feels frozen in place and terrified and the dark hour and the effects of the nightmare cling to him and amplify all his insecurities and make him feel as if waking Alec up would make Alec think that he's clingy and annoying, and decide to leave him

so hes crying quietly and trying not to shake, and Magnus moves around a lot in bed so usually when they sleep they are a little apart that's the only explanation I'll accept on why they were never cuddling when they just woke up. you know they cuddle all the time okay they like having each other close and safe that's canon fuck you so Alec isn't touching him and he feels like there's an abyss between them, and it's suffocating. adding some ADHD Magnus into the mix just for fun, he probably feels like. understimulated and sensorially deprived and it makes his brain go haywire but he's frozen and terrified of being rejected by Alec right then, and so his brain just keeps jumping between one terrible thought to another just to feel something and he can't stop. it's like there's an overwhelming silence all over his skin, and his mind needs nightmares to be able to fill it

and the thing is, he's good at hiding his noises from nightmares, freakishly good after so many years of practice with asmodeus (whod get mad and say that he had to get over his stupid weaknesses) and Camille (who featured in many of his nightmares anyway so he didn't even want her to wake up and interact with him, which drove him crazy with guilt; but also the few times that she did wake up she was in a sour mood all day because she "didn't sleep properly, and whose fault was that again?" and complained that he was so clingy and annoying and that its just a dream). so he's pretty much still, silent, desperately gripping his pillow trying to let it out

but Alec is a soldier, and he was trained to be a light sleeper and notice little changes, and the fact that Magnus is too still is what wakes him up, because usually he turns and moves and alec's brain picks up the change in patterns. so he wakes up (possibly halfway into a mild panic like MAGNUS WAS KIDNAPPED before he even realized it) and when he turns to look at him he's biting his lip and crying and gripping the pillow and almost shaking and it's just. heartbreaking

and Magnus is terrified because Alec woke up, shit, he wasn't supposed to see him like this, and Alec is of course immediately on him, touching his face, assessing his body trying to look for a visible reason for his distress pretty much automatically. and Magnus breathes deeply and says nothing, dear, just a nightmare. nothing to worry about. I'll be fine in the morning. but instead of turning around or sighing or showing annoyance he's just like "do you wanna talk about it? would it be okay if i touched you?" and the second question has Magnus nodding so eagerly, desperately, that it breas alec's heart all over again

so Alec wraps him in his arms and holds him close in a crushing hug, which is exactly what Magnus needs to get that good, calming pressure and stimulum, and it helps calm his racing mind enough for him to breathe a little bit. and he feels so stupid, it was just a nightmare, Alec is right there, but it got to him somehow between the complete exhaustion from the amount of work he'd been having the last few days, that had been driving him apart from Alec and his friends anyway, and his insecurities, and the dark, and his racing mind. and Alec doesn't demand anything, doesn't even try to get him to talk, just holds him extra close and strokes his hair and tells Magnus that he's there

and Magnus tells him, I'm sorry, I just. had this dream where i was alone, and I was so scared, and I felt like if i disturbed you it'd come true. and Alec tells him "it wont come true, Magnus, this, you and me, it's forever. and so many people are so loyal to you, Raphael and Catarina and Madzie and Dot, they'd never leave you. dont you see? you bring people closer together, Magnus. you're what drives them. they wouldnt leave you" and Magnus nods weakly and holds on to him, scared of believing him, but wanting to, knowing deep down hes right. and Alec kisses his face all over and tells him i love you, i love you, i love you, until he falls asleep again, comfortable in his arms with his soothing scent and body enveloping him. and when he wakes up, they're still close, Alec not wanting to let him go even if it was just a hand draped over his body because of Magnus' moving around

[gender-chaotic]

Yknow i love me nasty, smelly, gross, asshole beej as well as him being redeemed, loving and being a big softie for his new found family, over all making him a big softer.

I want a nice healthy dose of both when it comes to beej and i wont deny when people clean him up and look him look thin and conventionally attractive/sexy it does really annoy me, but certain people in this fandom are acting like canon musical beej is this big weak baby who canonically woobified from the other versions of beej because people in the fandom are woobifying themselves. Yeah musical beej is still nicer, more sympathetic, softer in this canonically he still is disgusting, smells, looks gross, is a pervert constantly making dirty jokes flirting/harassing with adults, attempted to murder multiple people. If you dont like the musical fine, cool, you have a right to and im sure there are valid reasons to not like it, even as a fan i can see why people might now like it, but some of these takes of the musical and musical beej himself are pretty bad and some of the same people prefer cartoon and/or movie beej.

I dunno about you guys but cartoon beej is literally just the spooky version if the genie from Aladdin or cosmo and wanda i know people have compared musical beej so these things but cartoon beej is literally a children's version of beetlejuice. Of course in his universe He's still dangerous and a pretty bad/nasty guy i mean he's universally hated in the neitherworld but he just like musical beej he's clingy, emotional, soft for the few people he cares about, lonely, ect. The cartoon and cartoon beej himself are way more divorced from the movie canon than the musical is tbh.

Musical Beej is basically a fusion of movie and cartoon beej and you can boo me but im right and its strange to me how people complain about musical beej ruined beej or whatever because he's softer and a little more sympathetic despite the fact he literally shares quite a few traits with movie and cartoon beej. Obligatory not every verson of a character is going to be the sane and changing things up keeps things fresh. Sometimes its really really bad but musical beej seems like the best parts of movie and musical beej with a few new ideas to shake things up and as someone who is a abit older in the fandom and who grew up with both movie and cartoon beej and love them both as well as mucial beej i like what they did with the musical and how they portrayed him.

The fandom and younger fans maybe be woobifying and babying beej but actual canonical Musical beej is still a disgusting, nasty, asshole and making him a but nicer, softer,sweeter, ect. Wont ruin his completely as long as you can do it right and now infantilize and woobify him too much. I think some of these people have some actually good criticisms about musical beej and the musical and again if you don't like the musical fine but theres a difference between fanon and canon interpretation and i think some of these bad takes about musical beej comes from a place of bias.

Lastly just like you don't have to like the musical and musical beej people are allowed to dislike the movie and movie beej as well as the cartoon and cartoon beej. I want everyone to give all 3 canons and beej's love and appreciation including the older canons but people are allowed to dislike certain beej's or certain canons it doesn't make them some kind of "tourist" or "fake fan" its their preference i love all 3 but some people don't and thanks okay.

Edit: oops sorry one last thing. conventionally attractive, bishie, completely woobyfied does suck but stop acting like this is new I've seen people draw beej like this back in middle school back when i used to search deviant art for beetlejuice art. The musical is attracting more people so of course you're gonna see it more and condensed in one place since alot of the fandom hangs out in the same few sites. Not to mention acting like all new fans/musical fans are woobyfing beej or ok with doing this stuff is just wrong i see plenty of these fans making nasty, dirty, gross beej warts and all you just gotta find the right content .

[voracious-pumpkira-starr]

VORE COMMUNITY PSA

False information was spread about me with very little truth. While some is truth, others are either taken from untrustworthy sources or were said by people whom are enemies i made in the past to make me more hated. I dont know if all of you know the post im refering to, i wont link it here but it has been causing me a lot if stress

Now I’m not going to deny some parts of the post because they are factual. But other parts are false. I havent blackmailed people for roleplay, and I dont charge back payments. The charging back of commissioned artwork is only from the artists point of view. And even then its heavily exxagerated. What happened was I spent too much money on porn commissions using a family members credit card on my own paypal, i paid this family member to do this of course bit they didnt know what i was buying. After i spent over $1000 CAD they realized I was spending it on porn and called paypal to charge it back. Paypal charged it back. I tried and tried to get paypal to send the money back but they locked me out of the account and the family member refused to let me send the money to them. Since then I was only able to pay back one artist of many, its not just artists. Paypal took back all payments and I even lost some of my art programs such as Clip studio EX because of this. Ive also lost many mobile apps and more. This caused me a lot of stress and I wasn’t allowed to use a credit card for a long time. Now, You know who. A certain artist who made these claims. Yes I admit I tried to roleplay with them but I will be honest. This is a honest statement from my own mouth. There is many many people in the community who KNOW I’m sumlur and are of age who roleplay with me and I wont name them to keep them same from harassment. Im not innocent but neither are the people like YOU who spread this information. And I will send you this post privately. Yes it is not my place to be in the vore community but because I have it helped with my depression and I learned many things that made me better as a person. I know my mistakes and I understand even when 2021 comes I will be hated in the community or even not let back in at all. But all I’m going to say. Is that yes I was immature and regret a lot of my decisions. But i stopped ban evading and all that long ago. It is now 3 years since this ekas portal drama has started with me, I, because of outdated or false information spread by you and many others have been Doxxed and had my info leaked on 8chan by a user named cloud runner teeny on 12/24/2018. Its been over a year since i was doxxed and I have been struggiling with depression and at multiple times even was suicidal. I nearly killed myself on lean (purple drank). Im not asking for pity because we both know I did aome messed up shit but making a PSA about me and spreading things from your point of view is only half the story. Many people have harassed my social media because of this or even turned me into a laughing stock. So here, if it makes you happy Cham. I’ll make a statement right here right now publically for all to see. If i lose friends for this then whatever it is what it is. It took me a lot of guts and a long time to say this but the stress has gotten to much for me. for the sake of peace I’ll admit to everything Chammy was correct about me ane everything that was false along with some misconceptions about me: so firstly Chammy is right about my age. My birthday is 01/30/2003. I am nearly 17 years old. Chammy is also correct about me asking him for roleplay stuff. However many adults i know who know my age are fine roleplaying with me and I will make this very clear for all of tumblr and the world. Yes I know the underage law and why you think you would be at risk of becoming a sex offender. But hear me out, I’ve actually talked to online lawyers about this and there was never a statement in US Federal law about roleplaying with minors being wrong. The only thing that is bad is if your doing it with malicious intent or send real nudes. As for the age of consent, that is 16 and as far as I know you can legally have sex with anyone within 5 years apart from you as long as its not recorded at that age. So I would assume roleplay would be legal unless its recorded or screenshotted just the same. So yes although it might be risky there is almost a 100% gaurentee your not at risk unless you go bragging about it or the minors parents

Report you. And I don’t have parents, my birth parents abandoned me for a life of crime and my grandparents had custody over me since i was 2 years old. My grandparents know about my vore fetish and although they think its weird they are fine with it to some extent. I can assure you for a fact they won’t report you unless your asking me for literal nudes, which I’d never even give away. Secondly I wanted to bring up the fact I did NOT try to sneak into Cham’s server I was asking if somebody could vouch to let me in so at 18 my friend Andy (WHO KNOWS MY AGE) could vouch for me since he/you closed all invites because of people insulting male predators.

Nextly I want to say this, Chameleonette is not a bad person. They aren’t spreading lies about me on purpose they are only saying what they were told which was spread around by many people who hate me such as aljenserp, AlluringPredation, Reffles, Cloudrunnerteeny, and artists who think i charged back on purpose. Now I also want to bring up the accusations of blackmailing adults who roleplayed with me. This is false, the only adults i ever blackmailed where ones who knew my age and asked for nudes, or were ACTUAL MINORS pretending to be adults which i know for fact.

Now I will admit I exposed some of these friends as minors out of anger and lost friends for this. I regret this so i wont say which ones, But I blackmailed them about exposing their age for some fights in the past.

But I will also admit again I did some stupid shit in the past and I understand the hate I have but its been causing me lots of stress and Harassment on social media. Look cham, if you actually take the time to read this I’m sorry for everything ive done to you and the vore community but I want to say that the adults arent entirely innocent either. I caused these problems by lying about my age, joining ekas, ban evading, manipulating people, and buying art when I shouldnt have. All of it has come back to bite me in the ass. Combined with the stress from real life I couldn’t take things anymore and essentially ruined my life. As of now I dropped out of highschool because the stress was too much and couldn’t work anymore. Now I’m educationless and most likely won’t get a job. For those who are curious in one year and 29 days is when I will be 18. And if any of my friends whom dont know my age read this I want to say I’m sorry for lying. I strongly have issues and am really clingy to people I like so I end up lying to make friends. And i know many people are going to block me for this so in turn I will end up more stressed but its the most mature thing i could think to do. I would love it if nobody blocked me and we just talked like friends and save the vore stuff for when I’m 18, which I do with many of my friends already. As stated before the whole reason i joined ekas in the first place was to join a community i felt like i fit in with after getting depression from losing a friend i really cared about named anatoily

Many times in the past i used anatoily as an excuse for my actions but thats not what im doing. Anatoily if you see this i want to know im sorry for using your name as an excuse for my wrong actions. I originally joined Ekas for that purpose and used that as an excuse, on there i made many friends some of which i have even today. At one point i planned on leaving ekas but then I found somebody who reminded me of anatoily. I had an obsession with them and it led me to well ruin that friendship. Around this time i was exposed underage by Reffles on a minecraft server who had a incorectly dated birth date from a Enjin server about me claiming i was 14 when i was 15 which now i am 16 turning 17 and that link would display 15 turning 16. To explain this I want to say when I made this enjin account I mistyped the age and never bothered fixing it because I rarely used Enjin. I just used it to apply for minecraft admin positions.

I regret many of the things ive done and cant stress this enough that I’m sorry but in all honesty this is the true story of what happened with me and the vore community

In 2017 I joined ekas because my mind didn’t care about the consequences I was upset about anatoily, which isnt an excuse for my actions. I lied about my age and all was fine i was getting away with it. I met the person who reminded me of anatoily in February of 2018 whom helped me grow as an artist. I started working as a artist practicing for when I’m 18. When reffles found me out i was upset and was banned from ekas and the discord Work to Feed. I was upset for many reasons, one even being that i just got the first person ever to commission me and even today was never able to do the art or send it to them making me feel like a thief

So a lot of ban evading and ruined friendships later some problems happened with me and a friend named Aljenserp who like me was a minor. I was watching one of Silent_E’s streams and got banned because Tyrion13 recognized me. I betrayed Aljenserp like an asshole saying he was underage (i dont think he is underage anymore but he was at the time this happened) because he was a staff nobody believed me and i was banned from the stream and lost all trust aljenserp had in me. He became my enemy. Now after this a lot of people started hating me more and more, there was some drama on 8chan about me which i posted on being some idiot as i was younger and didnt know what i was doing.

This caused many people to not even feel any pity for me thinking i was stupid and deserved what i got. This was shortly before the problem happened with paypal. After that i was hated immensely more and many people startee saying some stupid rumors about me

One really dumb one was from the ekas user ExplosiveWaifu who has a Dragon OC named Lydia. Goes by DragonWaifu on discord. In one instance i was talking to Lydia about how one of my friends was a Maoist communist and his beliefs and how i support him because he is my friend. She believed because he had communist beliefs and i supported him that i was a terrorist and ceased all Communication with me for this. Another false rumor about me was spreaded by a friend of Explosivewaifu who i cant name as they are always changing their name. she is a trans woman, me and her used to talk a lot and whenever she got drunk she would well... be really irl lewd with me so i started calling her a pedophille (which is where the blackmail stuff ties in partially though i didnt blackmail her it was somebody else)

Many times this friend while sober would claim that i act to mature and that I couldnt be a minor, thus a rumor spread around that inwas a adult pretending to be a minor to get kicked out of the community for purposfully causing drama to make people think im a believable minor so i could easily prey on minors like a pedophille... honestly this is a really dumb rumor and dunno why it was believed by anybody at all

Next I want to talk about the ID theft accusations. Mettra Tonic gave me a health band from the hospital which in July of 2018 i tried to use as a ID to get me unbanned and it failed, this led to trust issues with Mettra who also spread false information about me which is mostly well known for the accusations of blackmail against her friends who were minors. There was another ID issue with a man named worthylightning and Kobayashi whom I tried to. Let them both help me get unbanned because friendship. It didnt work and i felt bad.

Lastly the only true case of ID theft is the one with reffles. Reffles gave somebody her ID who gave me the ID and I cropped out the age part of her ID and tried to use it. I since regret this action but i wouldnt concider the age part alone to be ID theft.

There was also accusations that I steal artwork which i dont own which is false. All artwork of Pumpkira is owned by me, either drawn by me, won in a raffle, requested, or given to me as a gift.

Moving on later in the year CloudRunnerTeeny doxxed me and made a group on discord called the Sumlur eradication squad where he blackmailed me and threatened to leak my info (which he did on christmas onto 8chan before it was taken down for breaking ToS) me and my friend tried to mislead him do he wouldnt Dox me and dox a fake person but this failed, made things worse infact. After that me and teeny came to a truce to leave eachother alone if i stay away from him and his friends. A promise I Semi-kept to today.

I already explained the whole issue with the art charged back, false rumors, and blackmail.

But I want to say this. Please stop sending information that is outdated or just speculation about me. Hear both sides of the story.

And yes when I turn 18 in 2021 I know I’ll still be hated and I have come to terms and accept that is my punishment for my mistakes. But please stop sending drama my way as I am very tempted to just delete all my social media at this point. Its gotten really stressful and I just cant...

Also Chammy again you aren’t a bad person i dont blame you for my hate as Its deserved. Although some of your claims were wrong or from your point of view, others were true and It is good you made a statement about me. But please tell people not to harass me and just block me. I’m going to make this post Private for a while before making it public. I want you to read this before it goes public on my Tumblr.

Lastly I heard you were feeling sick and hope you get better.

From artist to artist I have been improving my art and stories which like you one thing i hope for when im 18 is to be a successful artist or writer. Im already planning a large scale SFW webcomic as many people know. Though I feel like it is going to have a negative impact because Pumpkira is the protagonist and i gaurentee at least one person from the vore community would expost past me to everyone who reads future me’s work

Anyways thats all.

Update 2020: now 17

Update: 2021 now 18 as of January 30th 2021

[undindjarin-archive]

semi hiatus

i dont really think i can handle getting on here any more, my mental health has only gotten worse and worse and every time i try to force myself to positive and spreading love it only hurts me more, and its not fair to you all.

i hate being that person thats so negative and being a dick for always needing that reassurance that ‘im valid’ and i feel worse for it.

i also feel like the biggest dick in the world for always trying to spread so much love and feeling like shit when it feels like im not getting more than a fraction back.

and god i know thats not true, i feel so bad for being so rude and unfair to you guys, its not your job to baby me and watch over me, the world doesn’t work like that and i get it.

im just sorry for being the worst friend imaginable, being a big pout and then being annoying when i try to talk to you all and being boring af i can’t ever seem to hold a conversation and i feel like im annoying the shit out of everyone, and even if its no true, its not fair to any of you.

i’m really sorry for ruining all the friendships ive made on here, hell any friendships ive ever made have never really lasted this long and the fact that im leaving now only means the inevitable lmao

i’m so sorry guys i am i hate feeling this way and its not fair to you all, so i guess its just best that i leave until i get my mental health back in a good place.

besides there’s better people than me that spread more love and positivity so sorry for that if thats what you’re here for.

i’m just so fucking sorry guys, i love and care about you all so much and im so sorry for being annoying, boring, clingy, selfish, and just too much and always overreacting and just for being a bad friend at times.

if anyone of my mutuals would want to keep in contact i have snap, insta, discord, just hmu if you wanna keep in touch, or not, i understand

i am aware that a lot of you have reassured that im not any of the things ive listed, but with at the state im in i just don’t believe it and im sorry and thats why i need to leave and just take care of myself

so yeah im sorry guys... i hope you all have a great day and that life treats you well because you guys only deserve the best and happiness in your lives

i love you all so much, bye

[generallyfeelinggayaboutothers]

im sorry im posting here if you see this. but i cannot say it to you and i need to rubber duck it somewhere. 

i wish i could be okay. i wish i could be okay with it. its been WEEKS of trying to be okay with the new normal without complaint and its been WEEKS of seesawing from ‘managing’ to ‘if i think about it i burst into tears’ i cant talk to amanda about syd without half the time a waiver coming into my voice.

i feel dramatic. i feel pathetic. i feel like a problem. i AM a problem. i am, 100%, and completely entirely aware, that the fact that i am not okay with the new normal, is 100% completely my problem to solve and on me. i cannot expect anything more of anyone. i know that and i understand that from previous talks and thats why im doing this. but literally how can i do that lol i literally dont know how i TELL myself im fine and then i am not again and again and again.

i love that when i say ‘time spent together is like critically massively important to me’ everyone is like ‘oh that makes sense i know that matt, oh they shouldve warned u if something was coming up matt, oh im sorry thats a dick move’ UNTIL ITS THEM. until its them and then im a hassle or like just blow-offable till whenever. and im sorry i know im blaming and i know a strict schedule is a pain but it absolutely was not this way before. it wasnt. it wasnt. i asked for a time and i got EAGER hangouts. i got hangouts for 3-4 hours every other day, where i was the one closing them out a good chunk of the time too. i ask for a time now and its a bet if i’ll get it at all, let alone it being not delayed or forgotten about.

now when i get a hangout its within 20 mins im getting a ‘i can only play for an hour or so’ 'i have some errands’ etc. etc. etc. i get a wrap up time immediately if its not change of plans, an hour late, etc because of whatever else was going on offline. its ‘i want to do x and y’ with you and then not having time for both anyways. its constant reassurances without any follow through that reassures me- because its a horrible cycle. i ask for time, get only part of what i miss, and then i ask for more time soon after because im not satisfied, FEEL like a clingy asshole, and it runs the both of us ragged bc syd is still juggling and im still upset. when dear god all i want is just a morning where we sit and hang out as long as we want even if its a ridiculous time sink, and we’re both chatting and laughing when we leave. ive gotten that, what, once, twice? with handsmaids tale. we did so much more than that. and i just want an evening, One Event, where i am not feeling pushed out by you or outside forces on you for one moment. i just want to feel genuinely satisfied once and not patted on the head. i want to feel like im missed and not just told it. i feel like if i genuinely just had One Saturday or One Monday to myself id fuck off.

i can literally feel that i am a burden now and not a comfort. it kills me. it kills me because i know not being okay with this makes me more of a problem. i wish i could get like a lobotomy or something if it made this stop and made this easy and made me feel okay. it absolutely 100% kills me. even if i am still important, i am not as important as i thought i was, as they are to me, even on a platonic level. EVEN ON A PLATONIC LEVEL. even on a platonic level they are equivalent to an irl person i make plans with, and i am just...so online. I AM SO ONLINE. I HATE FEELING SO ONLINE. I DIDNT FEEL LIKE IT BEFORE AND ITS KILLING ME. i feel it now because even on your bad days we spoke and lads 24/7 and now we dont. when you have a bad day you’re quiet. and like................................ god. oh my god. knowing its my fault.

im heartbroken bc i seemed a critical, needed part of your life until your life started. and now i am watching it fill and grow in places i wanted to be and it just absolutely fucking wrecks me. not in a ‘i want to move in together’. in a ‘i want to remain a part of ur regular schedule, ur thoughts ur plans’ way. in a sometimes that means pearl has to take the backseat way because amanda does for you, because you both matter, sorta way.

and maybe this is all just 100% founded on pearl jealousy. and lack of contact so i get to see none of it, all i see is how you cant fulfill plans with me bc pearls use of the office is more important, or how you constantly have to move because shes in the same room. and i know im only seeing a part. maybe it is false jealousy! i know a good chunk of it is. i try to not. i try to think objectively and in my heart i genuinely want you to be happy, if she is the one i want you to be happy with her. but god none of this was a problem until you lived with her. and youre getting a puppy together. like. the deal is sealed and i need to accept that. i need to be okay with it.

but i cant because as soon as i try to cut feelings, do the same thing, lower ur standing so i can expect less than i expected. like oh my god the dead rotting feeling. i either keep you as close as you are to me, love you as my best friend just as much as always and just kind of ‘this is fine’ dog until....? i stop? until eventually something numbs? something breaks? or i purposefully cut you down to size and

ive broken us. ive broken us completely and ive ruined everything and i dont know what to do. i wish i could take it back but i still would’ve been in hell then.

i fucked up. im sorry.

the worst part about this is every time i have a huge cry about it like this, i feel better afterwards, like i’ve accepted my fate and im feeling way better and i can do this. but this is what. the third? fourth? jag ive had? 

im sorry. 

[astownd]

So lets start off with in the ends it is all completely and utterly my own fault.I should have been able to see the signs. I should have been a better person, friend, fiance, man, and most importantly a dad.

Where do I even begin?

I felt like I worked so hard for my family I was creating in my own way, making money in my own way. Got a house with the beautiful mother of my little boy, things were good for awhile, than rough, than covid, than bad. But before that we lived in an apartment, and the things i was doing and the substances (alcohol and adderal) were my coping mech. I would stay up for days, not eat, constantly trying to make every dollar I could to make sure we had a place to live freely. ( we both grew up in not so good broken homes). She made little mistakes one that completely don’t matter and are way overlooked, love her with all my heart. 

but the drugs and alcohol started getting to me, i became irritable constantly, never wanted to leave, hated everyone. I was always mad, always needed my way. Than I cheated once and thank god that she took me back even after that. Honestly she did a ton and most of all the work. She is one of the most dedicated and hard working woman/mothers I have ever come acrossed. She never stops making sure our son has everything he needs plus more, working constant hours at terrible jobs, sometimes with terrible people. I didnt see the stress it was putting on her, the constant cries for just down time for herself, or her need to want to go out and do things. I held her inside and caged away. ( not literally lol) I really should have been showing her off and paying for her countless nights to go out and have fun with her friends because honestly she fucking deserves and deserved it. I couldn’t be any happier that, that woman is the mother to OUR beautiful little boy. After my first few mistakes I just started tumbling downhill. Never stopped making them. I am so fucking sorry and truly dislike the person i became over all of it. After all that we had our son, and we put down a down payment on a home. We moved in things were good for awhile, than rough because of my laziness and lack of will to do anything ever. It was a mixture of that but also a mix of me actually being comfortable where I was at for once in my life. I finally had a place I could call a home, I FINALLY HAD A REAL family I could call my own. So i just got more lazy, I just began to lackadiscally relax all the time and do nothing, didn’t help unpack, barely got stuff done around the house. The stress built on her alot, and I saw it. She wanted me to get a job, a real job. So I would be a man. And I agree with her, I was not a man, and honestly probably still not, but I am trying to be for our son. I wish her too but I know I lost that part of me. She would come home and just want to relax, but would have to cook and take care of our son. She needed time alone but also out, and I never gave her either. Im so dumb for alot of things, but honestly losing her has to be by far the dumbest thing I could have done besides trying to take my own life after the fact. I wish we could have fixed it, I wish we could have communicated better. We both have mental issues, more me than her by far, and hers were probably caused by me in the end. But we got super bad right around christmas time, real bad, i was basically staying upstairs in my gaming room, my clothes were in the dressers anymore, they were up there. But like two weeks prior of one of the worst days of my life, things started to seem almost better. We were getting along again, I was seeing a smile in her face that I haven’t seen in so long. I feel so deeply, and honestly from the start of our relationship/ friendship her smile has always been my most fav thing about her. She even came an said to me “ why don’t you put your clothes back in the dresser, you have a family here, and we love you” because we got into an agruement over me being constantly needy and clingy. I was begging for her attentions for months but I didnt realize she didnt want to give it to me because I wasnt a man but I also was just ruining her along the way.  So that night I didn’t move my clothes becasue it was late, but I got off the couch went downstairs and got into bed with my beautiful family. A week or two passes. I could tell she was being a little off. and at night one night she looks over to our son while were all in bed together and says I think daddy and I are better just as friends. Right away I teared up and began to cry because im so broken down at this point but purely because of my own causes. She says to me “ what you dont like the sounds of beings just friends” I said no, I love you, and so much more. She didn’t want to hear it, she didnt want to give me an ultimatum, or tell me what I had to work on. But she was in the complete right by far. So I eventually get quiet roll over and fall asleep crying. the next early morning I wake up to her flustered trying to pee. Our son wakes up so easily, so immediatley he gets up and follows her to the bathroom, its probably 630 am so Im dead asleep. I wake up and go right to the bathroom and she yells at me because she can’t go pee alone ever. In no mean tone or nothing I just said baby wake me up and Ill grab him for you anytime, and immediatley it started a fight because of the lurking thing from the night before. She said that we were toxic, that if we continued to be together now and longer that we couldn’t fix it and that we would always stay toxic. Clearly I didnt agree with that, begged and pleaded. It turned into the most heated agruement I have probably ever been in with some I have loved. I regret everything rotten and mean thing I said in my angry judgement. I didn’t mean any of it. I love every part of that woman, still even after all the things that have happened. and that she has maybe or maybe not done. But I was kicked out that day with nothing but my computer, xbox, wallet, monitor, and a handful of clothes. That is the day I LOST EVERYTHING my entire world. My entire dream, everything I began to strive but also wanted in my life. A home, a family, a beautiful wife, mother, and children. I went into a complete and utter psychotic break and was nuts. still am. I made her life hell, I scared her, I threatened her with taking our son away from her. So many things I did not mean but I would never do. Our son needs both of us, but most imnportantly he needs his mother. She worked and works so hard for him day in and day out and takes such good care of him. Sorry I needed to let it out somewhere, everyone near just says go fuck someone go do this. BUT NONE OF THAT is going to make me feel better, none of that is going to bring back my family, none of that is going to even help progress, if anything it would make things worse. So I sit and I remain forever loyal to who I would love to call my fiance still.  But where I wanted to get at is WHAT the actual FUCK do you do when you lose EVERYTHING.She was my bestfriend, my everything, honestly probably the only reason geniune person I had in my life for a really long time so It was even worse, I had noone to turn to. No where to go. Noone wanted me . Noone wants me. I was just angry bringing everyone down around me after. Constantly drinking and just being stupid. Im really trying to get a better handle on things now though for my son. What kills me the most is before we had Wesser bean, she got preg before and had a miscarrage. Which kills both of us mentally, but more her than anything. That is her body, and that beautiful child was growing inside of her. We weren’t going to try again for the sake of our sanities after that. But on some of our long talking nights with one another we agreed that we wanted to try again, we wanted a family. But we promised to each other that we would never NO matter what let our children grow up like we did. In a broken home, a broken family. I want my son to be able to wake up next to his mother and father every living day and be able to enjoy all his little ups and downs. But I ruined that. I caused everything, I am the reason I lost everything. I am still so utterly confused and dont know where to go or what to do. My mind is always worrying about those two because they arent in arms reach and I cant be there quick enough. I still worry about her a ton even though everyone tells me I shouldn’t but that was my best freaking friend from almost the instant she curved me the first time. Thats the woman I loved, the woman I wanted to marry, the one I called fiance, but most importantly the mother to our child. So I will never stop worrying, or caring about it. I wish I had anyone, anyone that wouldn’t just push me off, or just give me some petty advice to go do some petty stuff like its going to slap her in the face? No becauses it not, she doesn’t love the piece of poop I am, nothing is going to slap her beautiful face. I would give anything to go back, fix some mistake, and be a man for them. Honestly I over think, thats my biggest issue. I love this girl to death, and I know im not adequate and she hasn’t had time to have fun or do the things she wanted too. But no matter what she has done, said, did, or didn’t do I would probably still take it like a grain of salt and do anything to immediately be back in her home, what I used to call home with them. To be a man, to be better. To be a dad. To be everything. Her and my son are my only lights, without them I just see darkness and it consumes me and just makes me want to do nothing, but it should burn a fire in me. I want them near by, cheering me on, but also helping me steer back onto the right path when im going astray. Its been three months now since I have been home, Since I have been able to sleep next to my son and wake up to his little smiling face. To be able to feel the warmth and hear my best friends voice on a daily basis. Shit three months since I have even slept on a mattress. about 2 months ago I took a estimated count of 32-45 pills of multiple different varieties. From pain killers, to adderal, to anti depressants, and sleeping pills. All one big mix. Got stupid drunk on top of it and tried taking my own life. I went to go lay down finally about an hour after I finished all the pills because I didnt feel well. The second my head hit the pillow I started throwing up really bad. I could not stop, I could not breathe. And the whole time All I could see Is my sons face. crying. not knowing where I went, What happened. Or why I was such a coward I would do that. about 5 minutes into me hurling I started to really not be able to breathe, I almost couldn’t choke the words out from the back of the trailer, I screamed as hard as I could from an ambulance. My mom came running in and looked at me and asked seriously If i needed it or not. I looked back and told her I would die if she didn’t. She called, I ended up waking up 3-6 hours later in a hospital bed completely and utterly confused but so fucking ashamed. They had a therapist or someone in there waiting for me to wake up, I guess I said somethings in my delusions of substance. But about after 15 minutes of talking to him and him seeing my sit. He looked at me told me they pumped my stom, and that If I didnt make that call My son wouldn’t have a father. Hearing him say that still kills me. I messed up big that time. they released me within 25 minutes of waking me up. no shoes, no shirts, puke covered pants, no cell phone at 630 am. What a wonderful hospital right? Try to take my life and they save it, but let me go just like I was nothing. I got to a near by store called for a ride and waited. Showed up home at my moms more ashamed and more sad because of yet another terrible choice I made. Tonight is the first night aubs have let me have our son alone for a time period. And for a solid 15 minutes I Couldn’t stop but also wanting to apologize so much to my son. He just came up to me gave me a big wesser hug, layed on me, and let me sing to him for 30 mins just like mummy used to do so he could fall asleep.  I never felt a love like I do for my boy, loving a human like aubrey is wonderful and beyond one of a kind, but loving your child and their love back is something words alone cannot describe. I can’t ever be so sorry that I ever tried that, that I ever would do that to my son. He deserves so much better. I am slowly trying tho too. Not alot of people know because noone cares and I just want to be alone but I scraped together the last remainder of any cash or any value I had left and got 4k. Didn’t sell our wedding ring or anything for that money. (its worth is 4.2-5.5k) I be holding onto that thing like its my life, I constantly catch myself grabbing it and wearing it still like a loser lol.Went and looked at a little trailer today, needs gutted almost, decent amount of work. Guy was asking 4k. with the work it needed I went balls deep said 2, he hit me with 2.5k If the mobile home park accepts my background check hopefully Ill finally have a little place I can lay my head. Its been a rough three months, homeless I would say, couch hopping, place to place. I am done now. I am fed up with myself but with everyone and everything around me. I need to be better for my son, so this is my start and my little way I guess. I have been applying countless places, All I want to do is dive all my time into some form of work/ works and be alone unless my son ( his mother included one could wish) is the company. My bills would be utterly dumb cheap. I just want to work and help her out to provide but keep the beautiful home she chose for her future family. I want to be able to make sure I can reassure her she won’t lose that roof, or that she can go out and eat, or wes can have that toy. She works to damn hard to lose it. It was like a movie too, third house on the realtors listings. We walk through the front door threshold, immediate second she turned around with the smile I fell inlove with and said this is the one. AND BY god when this woman says she wants something or is going to do something, she fucking does it, does it well, sticks it to ya, and does it kick. Immediately she got an offer in and she got her home. I’ll never be able to fix the mistakes and wrongs I did. Never be able to give back all the time and tears and heartache I caused her and her family countless times. But I want to be able to be part of my sons life, to atleast try to atone for the terrible things I did. I want 0 pity by the way. This was soley for me. For me to let stuff out. I will forever love aub snuffalfugus. and of course our beautiful boy Wesley. I would do anything, give anything, forgive and forget anything this second to see her walking up to me holding our little man and say “does daddy wanna come home” or “ dad come home” or “ i think its time dad comes home”. I understand I never will get that chance and by far I never will get that chance. I understand I did this, I created this, and I am the one to blame. I pray to god every night that maybe right now just wasn’t the exact time or what we needed. That he will lead our path back together one day. I see glimmers of hope in dumb things, but thats my over thinking. I love that freaking beautiful furrowed browed woman and our son so much. and with me being gone, I can’t tell if shes struggling, I can’t tell if she cares, I can’t tell if she thinks about us, our old family, or the things that happened. She has such a good poker face, shes so good at holding things in. But she has been glowing, has been looking more beautiful than ever with her hair all curly and down. She is constantly in her phone texting and smiling, and when I say that I in no form care who or about what, I care that the fact that the smile is there and its the real one. She seems happier, healthier, and more together than ever and I hope that its not a front, not that it matters because shes a strong ass mom and she kicked thru it. I love seeing her happy. I love seeing her look good. i absolutely adore the fucking smile. I am trying to come to terms that maybe I wasn’t the right one, That I couldn’t make her happy, but I was placed there to get her through a time , but also for her to have our beautiful son. Now that he has come, she has seen that I wasn’t much of really anything, so she bettered herself. But even if shes not with me, as long as she is safe, our son is safe, they have a warm roof above their heads, and full tummies than I can’t complain. That is what im striving for. To just be able to simplify their lifes but to see her smile again, and I have been seeing it and she rockkkkk that shit. Everytime I see her I get into my feelings, but tonight hit me for some reason. Tonight really had/has me thinking. Forever stay our beautiful little chunk Wesser. I love you both. 

ok done word vommiting, think im ready to cry if off in the shower lmao. 

[memories-journal]

everything is so hard and i'm too tired.

i don't know if i've made the best self care decision ever or if i've ruined my life and i'll feel like killing myself once i'm okay again. but i've already isolated myself.

i don't feel lonely at all. i really don't. but i'm, in fact, alone and i feel this intense melancholy in my chest that i hadn't felt in so long.

i don't feel anxious. i don't feel overwhelmed. but every second that passes i find less meaning in things, in life. i wonder how much more i'll want to take.

i'm having a really hard time eating. it's on purpouse mostly, because i don't push myself to eat. i push myself not to. i'm not counting calories (yet) but i'm regaining control over what i eat. i fast around 18 hours per day and i eat less than half of what i used to. and everyday i hate myself more when i eat. everyday i eat a bit less and i wish it could be nothing. today i even thought about purging, and i would have if the loo hadn't been occupied at that moment.

everything is so confusing and i can't even write. i didn't want to be an attention seeker. and i thought a great way to assure that would be to isolate myself. and i know nobody misses me. but i can't come back. i don't know if i want to. and i knew this could happen and that was the reason why i would have panic attacks every time my exgf would not eat or everytime i woke up and my eyes were swollen. i didn't want to go back to that place. but i'm here now. i have nothing to hold on to. and i don't care and i hate it. because now i don't want to recover, i don't want to talk to my friends and they probably don't like me anymore bc it's been many days since i've paid them attention. and they probably talk shit about me now but i don't fucking care bc i deserve it bc i'm a terrible person and the only thing i do is ruin ruin ruin everything i have even when i don't want to and until i want to ruin and destroy myself bc maybe depression it is my place bc the worst part of this is that im being productive and im reading and cleaning my room and studying and doing hw and i can even close thw shutters now and i have a fake sense of wellbeing everytime im not eating and i cant do not even half of that when im trying to be fine like i was 2 weeks ago and im just so tired bc i tried so hard not to be in this place and now i want to be here and i want to destroy myself in every possible way and i wonder how much days will it take for me to sart cutting again. bc i didnt mind that its been almost 2 years dince the last time i purged when 30 minutes ago i went downstairs to vomit my dinner so 18 months without cutting wont be bad. and i hate it i hate me i hatr everything and i want to rip my fucking skin out bc i cant talk about it bc that may make me fele better and thatd mean that im doing this for attention and i dont want to be that kind of person but i cant help being a shitty person

i dont know if ill be better or if i want to be. maybe its like my mum said. ill be depressed forever. now im getting on well with her and i hate feeling like this bc everything is fine and im here feeling terrible and ruining everything. i always do everything wfomg and i hate it. i cant find a solution but to blame myself.

the funny thing is that i could live like this anyway. i can picture myself being alone just studying and working and not hanging out with anyone in days weeks months... but i get anxiety attacks when im really trying to be fine bc when i fight depression i waste all my energies and i overthink bc i cant be sad around most of my friends bc they wont understand or itd be like im seeking attention or like i want them to be sorry for me and i also gdt boring and irritable and sometimes i get so clingy or i cant stop talking about mysekf. and also if i stop eating i have a purpouse. sth to look forward to. some readon to live maybe, bc its been months since ive had a dream or sth that i said well, i really want this in the next few minths/years.

my words are so tangled and i dont feel well at all and i know that maybe its bc i ate. i didnt want to. im not even hungry anymore. not even if my stomach growls loudly. i pprefer emptiness there. it fills the cold in my heart.

im so scared. i dont want to think like that but my mind is so clear when i dont eat. and then when i do this happens.

maybe i should talk to my therapist about this, and shell tell me if its fine or not that ive isolated myself. i havent isolated myself from everyone tho. i still want to talk to my exgf and my 2 friends who live in other city. but im pretty sure they dont want to talk with me. i wonder what i did.

im disconnected from everyone anyway. i wouldnt be able to talk.

i shouldnt tell that to my therapist too. idk. its difficult. i was going to tell her about all this on thursday. but i couldnt see her. and maybe now it seems like i want to seek her attention. or like i depend on her. or like i want to make her feel guilty. and its not like that. itd started before she cancelled the session. but maybe it seems an excuse.

every word from my mouth seems an excuse. maybe it's bc i need to justify my living.

[ellerevelle]

polyamory

or is it just hookup culture

both exist. i dont think what im involved in is deep enough to be considered a polyamorous relationship, because i dont think this guy likes me enough to consider me a person he’s in a relationship with. I’m in that point where I’m afraid to ask him anything for fear of scaring him away. Which isn’t healthy at all, I realize. 

We went to a BDSM dungeon party friday night. I admitted to him that thats extremely intimidating to me. New places in general, new bars, new friends houses, new places freak me out and make me feel anxiety. So this was definitely, obviously, in that vein as well. But we went in, and my confidence felt normal. I wasnt buzzing with comfort, I didnt feel myself glowing (I miss that feeling) but it wasnt scary. If anything it felt neutral. And I felt okay because he and I were together. Hooking up with him wasnt frightening or anything at all, I felt safe because I felt wanted by him. It was liberating. Then again, there wasnt a ton of competition, he even said the next day that he didnt really think anyone else there was attractive. So I wonder if things wouldve been different had there been sexier women there. 

I have no idea how to feel right now. 

He just messaged me via facebook and didnt ask, he simply said “i'm gonna spend the night with my new friend Ali tonight,”

and continued on, “ does that make you feel any particular way to hear me say?”

And I hesitated in a major way. To be honest, my stomach dropped. Same way my stomach dropped when I was over there Friday night before we left for our event and found an open condom at the foot of his bed. I mean, I know we’re not exclusive, I’ve known that from the start. And have been down with it from the start. I had sex with someone else, too. And definitely dont hesitate flirting or carrying on with people when he’s not around. Which is why I’m not sure how I feel right now. Its a double standard, right? That I’m imposing? I want to be the apple of his eye, of everyone’s fucking eye... I want to be the only one, but yet I want to have the freedom to do what I want and not be judged or managed or shamed... 

But I like legit hate this feeling now. I hate that he’s with somebody else, that he’s excited to spend time with some new other girl. I’m trying to be confident, to know that humans are humans and we all have different things to offer and she’s not me and I’m not her, and that there are things about me that are very special and that him sleeping with her doesnt negate anything about how rad I am. 

But like, if he thinks I’m rad and likes me, why not just... ask me to hang out tonight? It makes my insecurities skyrocket. Like, am I not interesting enough? Not pretty enough, funny enough? Was I not as cool as I thought I was? Am I being TOO clingy now that he and I are getting more comfortable? Am I setting myself up as the hookup BDSM group party friend? Because although I am excited about exploring that without judgement or slut shaming, my HEART NEEEEDS so much more... I’m scared. Multi level scared, like... He asked “does that make you feel any particular way to hear me say?” 

I wanted to type YES YES IT DOES MAKE ME FEEL A PARTICULAR WAY AND I DONT LOVE IT. but like... fuck man, like... does that ruin everything? he wont reconsider hanging out with her if I dont like it. I feel like he’d just still hang with her and reconsider ME. 

I want to be special enough for someone to prioritize. I guess maybe him deciding to ask me IS showing me he respects me? But it kinda feels like a trick question sortof? I mean... he wasnt asking me if it was okay for him to sleep with her. that part of the message was a statement of fact. 

The question was, does it make me FEEL something. that feels like a trick question. Does he want me to feel jealous? I kindof wish he did... Like, if he felt jealous of some other guy I’m sleeping with, I’d feel flattered. And consider trying to be more monogomous to consider his feelings, tbh. 

So what if I’d said, yes that makes me feel jealous? 

And then like... what if thats bad and then my jealousy scares him off or bothers him or makes him worry that theres pressure on him now and all the other things women do to men and men do to women in relationships...!?! I know he’s afraid of expectations, he said so in a voicemail and has never brought it back up... which I find quite telling. Its clear he’s scared. Which is kindof what I considered, warp speed, before I typed my reply to him on facebook fucking messenger. 

Because, you know, conversations of the heart deserve a rich and immersive platform, LIKE FACEBOOK FUCKING MESSENGER -___-

I replied to him with two gifs. 

One was a “eehhhhh I dont knoooooowww about this....” squidgy eyed shrug sortof face. 

Then the next one was a “go for it girl” wink from The New Girl. 

Then I wrote 

“ i think polyamory is great, the experience with you has been my first foray into it and so while i have pangs of hesitation, all in all im confident in myself and fucking love our chemistry and feel a smoothness to it all“

I dont totally feel a smoothness to it all. What I really wanted to say was, “just help me feel special. as long as I feel special to you, like, you show me that I matter to you, I’m down with other women in your life. Just dont make me feel like I’m just a consolation prize or a second thought or like, a back burner sort of person.  Make me feel special, that you know I’m awesome, and I’m okay” 

But I dont know if that would have read well. 

With my ex, that didnt go well. I didnt articulate it in a manner he understood and I guess I came off sounding like a controlling diva princess. Which I still dont totally understand but, hey, we’re all biased to whats in our own heads. Our own words and opinions always make sense to US because theyre OURS, right? So yea. I didnt type all that. 

I tried to come off as cool. Hesitant, but confident. So I hope that he like... sees that and like, sees me being cool and KNOWS that I’m special. Because I imagine not everyone would reply like that? Fuck me man. FUUUCKK, see!? all this big long post... I’m not cool about this. 

Who is she? Is she hotter, funnier, cooler? better in bed? is it a psychology thing, like shes a NEW person so thats intriguing? Younger? Harder to get? I’ll never know unless we talk about it but I’m concerned talking about it I’ll slip up and say the wrong thing and lose this whole situation, then he’ll DEFINITELY sleep with other people and DEFINITELY put me on the back burner and OMG insecurities suck.

I just want somebody to see me as awesome as I feel, and say nice things and want to be around me the way I want to be around them. I want to share and make music and food with someone I love and tell them theyre great and make out and make love and be proud to hold hands at a party and have no one else because we’ve got all we need and aint nobody gon’ step to our awesomeness because we’re royalty. Like having a best friend. Like a beeeeeest friend. 

I asked him if shes coming to his New Years Day party. I’ve been looking forward to going for a few days now, but now I’m realizing I wont necessarily be the apple of his eye. I’m horrible at competing for attention, especially in a blatant way. Plus I think it puffs up men’s egos too much to like, fawn for attention. I know I just have to be myself and if he sees me and notices and comes over to give ME attention then thats great, and if not I’m still just present and being myself and thats as pure as it has to be...

But I have a knot in my stomach now. Im trying really hard to be cool while still dropping hints of like, Hey I want you to treat me like a lady and maybe kiss my cheek and tell me its all gonna be okay, so to speak. 

I dont want to need to be coddled. But I’m not that indifferent of a person. I want to KNOW how people feel about me. 

I guess it could be cool tho, to like... be sexy and sexual and know he’s into me but okay with me expressing myself with other people. That is actually pretty cool, if thats whats happening. 

But then why am I having such a hard time turning it around and being happy for him and confident for him and psyched for him to be with other people? 

I feel like, ideally, I want to be with someone super hot and sexy and JUST into me, but to have the same intentions of like... kicking ass and taking names TOGETHER. Like, having threesomes or group sex and dominating the room, having everyone love us and fawn over us, but KNOW that we’re a TEAM and that without a single down we kick ass TOGETHER and are only in love with each other. That we can be physical and enjoy other people but at the end of the day we’re the ones in charge, our love is untouchable and although other people are fun and part of the mix, that nothing can reach the pinnacle of awesome that is us. 

THAT would be tight. But I dont think he’s in that frame of mind. Nor am I sure that I’d even want that with someone I’m not in love with. And I’m not in love with him. Not yet any way. There’s so much more to learn first. SOOOOOOO much more to learn first. 

Our “relationship”? does feel more mature though. At least for me. I am (contrary to this journal entry) much more brave about saying things out loud to him. I feel like I can confess and be more truthful about my opinions and what I need. Not entirely, but definitely more than with my ex. 

uuuugh I feel sad and weird. Probably gonna clean my room and pirate some version of Spirited Away offline. 

He just sent me a last little thing, because I said “have a good time tonight, be safe plz (implying please use a condom) and I’ll see ya next year.”

To which he replied “I absolutely will. Sending love hunnybunch.”

So he’s sending love... 

Thats at least a smidge of ease off the knot in my stomach. I just wanna feel special :/ I hope she knows about ME. I want some manner of authority here. Although I dont tell other people I flirt or hook up with that I’m sleeping with him... But should I? Are we stepping into actual relationship territory? 

I feel like if I knew where he placed me in this then I’d have more solid footing. But how the fuck do I ask that without sounding like a total dweeb/ or Nazi / or chaperone / or old lady? 

FUUUCK I feel so dumb! 

How can I feel less dumb?

No one is gonna read this far. 

Goodnight. 

[ashalaughs]

An Annotated List of Quotations From Men's Tinder Profiles part 5

It’s been a long time/ I shouldna left you...Friends, I have decided once again to share with you my commentary on the wild world of Tinder’s most inexplicable dudes. For those joining us for the first time, this is an annotated list of actual quotations from men’s tinder profiles, loosely ranked from the mildly confusing to the most obnoxious/absurd. Enjoy.

1. I like touching things, asking why and red wine: This might be the profile of an alcoholic toddler?

2. I am here to wake you up so you may become YOU. Getting Back to Nature. Know Thyself! Seek The Truth & Nothing But The Truth. Love YourCellf: I didn’t realize tinder was the place to go to offer strangers self-actualization. Also, I didn’t bother to transcribe the 25 emojis interspersed in this profile. 

3. Softty in a though shell. Crack me open and ull see what is at my core...a whole bunch of CHEEEEEEEZZZZZ!!!!: This dude is not calm about his own cheesiness. 

4. Also you can call me cake boy, cuz I go straight to your ass (cake emoji, cake emoji, pig emoji): He cannot let you go another second without knowing of his passion for rimming

5. Just like the delivery man, i am out standing: You tried to be clever. You failed, but you did try. 

6. Juggalette friendly: Well, good for you, my friend. Someone has to be, I guess.

7. I can’t die a virgin: Oh, but you can.

8. Hard to find a good man now a days!: Thanks for the reminder?

9. I got suspended for watching porn in grade 8: Cool story, bro. 

10. Searching for friends on Tinder is like searching for a plumber fixing tubes on Pornhub: This is not a very successful simile. 

11. “He’s hung like Jon” - said the Horse: Look, don’t bring any talking horses into your poor seduction attempts, man. 

12. Something you should also keep in mind is that as we grow, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to ever let you down probably will.You will have you heart broken probably more than once and its harder everytime. You’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken...So take too many pic: This conclusion is kind of a let down after that lecture. How will taking too many pic solve heartbreak?

13. I’m looking for someone who stands out in a crowd where every girl looks the same: No one else is to blame for your poor eyesight, my guy.

14. MAYBE ONE DAY I CALL YOU BY YOUR NAME, WHICH WILL BE “WIFE”...FUTURE GOALS:): Does this guy think a woman’s name becomes wife when she gets married? Also, gross. 

15. I just want to meet a girl that if the condom breaks and you get pregnant, that I wouldn’t be terribly upset by that outcome: I can’t decide whether this guy should aim higher or lower or just read up on the morning after pill. 

16. Boning. Things of that nature: What is of the nature of boning other than boning?

17. Yo i know all you girls have a whole lineup of dudes who your talking to but ill tell you right now im not: not what? Lining up dudes to talk to? Allowing yourself to be lined up? Willing to adhere to any rules of spelling or grammar?

18. If you use a Presto Pass. Don’t talk to me. Ruins my day seeing that ugly ass pass: This fragile fella must have very few good days. 

19. Fun facts: Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour. Hitler’s mother considered abortion but the doctor persuaded her to keep the baby. In India it is cheaper to have sex with a prostitue than buy a condom: The categorization of these as “fun” and “facts” is deeply suspect. 

20. If She smokes she pokes: This is on the profile of a guy who claims to have studied “community welfare” and “justice,” so, promising. 

21. I have a tattoo of a cat licking a molotov cocktail and a Canadian Goose with a winter toque on...I think that sums me up pretty good: Okay, I would like to see these tattoos because they sound simultaneously amazing and hideous, but an interpretation of what they actually say about him could go in a bunch of different directions. 

22. I wish I was born in the 40’s where women were ladies, men were gentlemen and sophistication was alive and well: This dude is bad at math. Being born in the 40’s means being of dating/marrying age mostly in the ‘60s. Your nostalgia is not only eye roll worthy, it isn’t even based on stereotypes about the right time period. Also enjoy having your dad die in WWII, punk.  

23. There are three kinds of people. The scholars, the seekers of knowledge and all the others are a waste of humanity: woah, pretty judgey claim for a dude who works as an actor at somewhere called “Spookers Haunted Attraction”. 

24. Saving the world, one hate fuck at a time: (From the profile of a couple). This seems like a bad strategy. 

25. Non-Beta, Non-clingy male. I’m battle hardened and can handle what life tosses my way. I also have your body mastered. Ive had four sums, public sex, into bdsm & making sure every woman understands my sexual prowess. Oh and I’m an electrical engineering student: Look buddy, how could you possibly have every woman you have never met on tinder’s body “mastered”? Also, having every woman in Toronto understand your sexual prowess seems like a tiring and useless goal that will take away from your electrical engineering time.

[fortune-failing]

Zarek Skit

(After Beaford Skit) Zarek: Zarek heads out of the inn and spots London nearby, then approaches him. "Hey London, are you still trying to be alone or is it ok to ask a few questions now" Zarek asks with a serious look on his face London: His demeanor is notably calmer than before when he replies. "Yeah, we can talk." Zarek: "Were you telling the truth yesterday?" London: "You mean last night?" Zarek: "Yes last night"

London: He struggles to reply before answering, "Well, yeah. Everything I said last night was definitely the truth. Can't say the same for this morning." He mumbled. "But I can see why you wouldn't believe me, if that's the case. I won't blame you." Zarek: Zarek looked a bit angry "Yeah, hearing you yesterday made me think you had learned a thing or two but by what I saw this morning I would doubt it" London: "Who said I was trying to learn something?" He returns the tone and expression. "If this is about Faelian, I was just trying to scare him away. But I've realized that won't work." Zarek: "Look, I'm not really as close to faelian so I don't care that much about it, but you went too far with what you did. We don't need fights or to lose team members right now" London: "If he leaves we'll be okay anyway. I trust our team." Zarek: "Don't get overconfident. We need as much help as we can get." London: London seems hesitant and turns his head away. "What if I find someone who's just as strong or more powerful than him?" Zarek: "An 8th team member could prove really useful." London: "You're so difficult! Is it that hard to consider your ally's feelings?!" Zarek: "Which one are we talking about here. Faelian or you?" London: He grits his teeth and glares. "Both of us." Zarek: Zarek sighs. "Man, I can't believe you would say that to me after how Faelian looked this morning. I admit I'm being difficult because I'm really worried about our general situation, I feel forced to try to keep us all together." Then he looks at London "Now it's your turn to admit why you're being difficult." London: London looked hurt by the reminder. For a moment he just held his scarf and contemplated what to say before continuing. "I'm sorry for yelling. It's just a lots gone on, and I guess I'm just stressed from everything. I know it's not an excuse for what I did." "Lacie's death reminded me of a lot of things, and then I forced myself to say it all because I thought it might be for the good of the group. But I really shouldn't have. It just made me feel worse." He sighed before continuing. "I'm just really scared. Not for myself, but for Faelian. I really wouldn't mind if I died right here, but that guy's got such a problem. After all of these years, he still won't leave me alone. He's just really clingy, you know? I keep telling him to make more friends, but he never listens. He seems totally dependent on me, and it would break him apart if he saw me dying. I don't want to risk that. I never meant to be friends with him this long in the first place. He's just made my life difficult." He huffed. Zarek: "Man, that's a lot to take on at once." Zarek smiles a bit "I find it ironic that you would tell him to make more friends, do you at least try to follow that advice yourself? This way of being 'selfless' that you have... it's pretty bad for yourself." Zarek pauses for a bit "I think Faelian is a really good fit for you, being so clingy, I might be overstepping boundaries by saying this but it does sound like you need someone like that. Plus, if you think it would break him apart to see you die im sure it would be just as bad to go away and never see you again." London: "Mm, I don't know if you've noticed, but I have a lot of trouble getting along with people. " He said this while scratching lightly at the side of his chin. "I mean, I can make decent first impressions, but it's not long until I do something to screw up. I've probably brought this on myself. I kind of gave up on getting along with others a long time ago, so now it just feels natural to me. I feel like, as long as I can get Faelian to cling on to the next person, then I shouldn't have anything to worry about. And if he hates me, then I won't have to worry about him being sad if I die, right? But he really refuses to feel that way. I just shouldn't have let him follow me around in the first place." Zarek: "I have obviously noticed. But after what you told us and now that you're trying to make Faelian hate you... it sounds like a trend of pushing people away." Zarek thinks for a bit and then looks back at London "You know, it's making me pretty uncomfortable how accepting of your upcoming death you're being, and it's not only becuase I consider you a valuable asset of our team, it's also because I consider you my friend, I don't know if you agree on that last part tho." London: "Yeah, I guess I am. Beaford said happy memories make everything worthwhile, I suppose, but I always feel like things fall apart just as I'm hoping for something better." His voice gets noticeably quieter and strained, as he looks downward. "It's just hard to hope for anything anymore. I really wanted to help her.." Zarek: "I also wanted a better life for her but I guess you were much closer to her than me in the short time we knew her... I'm sorry, I really don't know what to say." London: "It's fine. I mean, I hardly knew her, too. I probably just sympathized with her too much. When I was little, I was grateful I at least had my parents, but she didn't even have that. If we weren't headed for danger, I wouldn't have minded if we took her along. But I guess this is just wishful thinking." He sighs. "Do you really consider me a friend after everything? I mean, I've screwed up more times than I can count." Zarek: "Not having anyone to take care of you must be really tough, I can't imagine having to live it at that age. But yes, I do consider you a friend, I'm sure you've made me angry more than once but that's normal with anyone... You've proven to be a reliable guy when its needed and this conversation has only convinced me more of what a nice guy you are..." Zarek snickers a bit "Would it be too much of an empty compliment if I called you one of my best friends if I'm not a guy with many friends?" London: "Pfeh, you have bad taste. But I must be doing something right if you like me.." He sighs again but this time it's a lot lighter. "I probably should have said this ahead of time, but Beaford said he would take care of Faelian if anything bad happened ever to me." London took a few steps away before continuing, making sure any blush on his face couldn't be seen. "N-not I'm not planning on dying or anything, anyway!.. Ahem." Then he turned around to face him again. "Thanks for relying on me, Zarek." Zarek: Zarek smiles "It's no problem. I'm counting on you to take care of yourself out there, I already told you yesterday but don't hesitate to ask me anything if you need." London: "Hm. Got it." He smiled then thought for a second, "This is kind of late, but uhm, sorry about Shura. I was really petty and ruined any chance you had with her, huh?" Zarek: "You were petty? Come on, I outed you just because I was in a bad mood back then. We both weren't at our best back then" Zarek laughs a bit "Plus, I didn't really take any chances by myself. It's not your fault" London: London waved his arms to deny it. "No, I really have no excuse! I actually found out some pretty important info in there (the whole Taulgeese meetup thing, I mean), but I kept it from you despite the fact it involved you the most. I'm just glad it didn't result in anything bad happening. But I still tried to ruin your chances with her on top of all of that. I went overboard. It kind of sucked since we were getting along right after that hot spring prank, but I'm glad we can be friends again." Zarek: Zarek crosses his arms "Man, if you're gonna insist the whole thing is your fault I guess I have no other choice but to say i forgive you, huh?" He grins "I'm also glad we're friends, I'm happy we had this conversation." London: "Yeah. So I'm going to go try to patch things up with Faelian sometime. He probably still needs some support from others, though. I think he needs some time away from me. So if you see him, keep an eye on him for me, please!" London's already taking some steps back ready to go Zarek: Zarek reaches his arm out as if to object "I- I don't think I'm the most fit to look over him specifically... But, I... can try since you asked me I guess. You should really patch things up with him soon though, if he's as clingy as you say maybe won't need much time away if you're actually honest this time." London: "Yeah.. I don't approve of it, but he's still way too forgiving, but whatever. Thanks, Zarek!" He goes Zarek: "No problem."

[bpd-victor]

i wanna go to sleep but i fucking cant because i cant stop crying ive been crying for over an hour now and i just cant Stop lmao i dont have a journal and i dont have anyone to talk to so i guess i’ll just vent here because i have to i just . i cant stop crying i dont know whats wrong with me lmao ive been feeling fucking awful for weeks but it just hit me tonight and i started sobbing and i couldnt fucking stop you know im just. so fucking lonely i hate hate hate the way this feels i hate that literally everyone in the world has friends and i dont even have one fucking friend, like irl if i died no one would notice and i know thats some cliche thing people say but i mean it - the only people who would notice are my bosses when i dont show up to my shift. my mum uses me for money and shes the only irl person who talks to me and then i have like . barely any friends online either and even they would be fine without me they dont . need me no one fucking needs me but i need everyone so much and no one cares. im so so so tired of. feeling this lonely nd empty my flatmates dont talk to me my mum doesnt cxare about me other than for the money and i dont hacve a single friend lmao its so pathetic im s o .

every friend ive ever had ive managed to drive away somehow even when i think they love me so so much i manage to make them hate me ? my ex best friend hates me nd he never talks to me and it was always me texting first in the end always me asking to .see him until he just stopped replying to my meet up suggestions and it was all because i was disgusting i . ruined everything because of this stupid fucking trauma that i cant get over like haha yeah i was raped thats great it was fucking years ago i should just get over it but i cant its runiing everything and i let some stupid projected character ruin my friendship with the only irl best friend ive ever really had because i couldt let go of this character because . his csa trauma was just like mine and it means so much to me but appartently i let it mean more to me than my fucking friendship because now he hates me lmao and i . miss him s omuch but he doesnt care about me he doesnt he doesnt 

and i hate bpd i hate that it does this i hate that you attach yourself to people and you become so fucking sensitive to everything that it feels like . death when you lose someone or . w/e i hate the way it feels i hate it so so much i hate . needing the affection and i hate having so so much love and being unloved it’s such an awful feeling for anyonr but even worse for people with bpd lmao im so .tired of being defined by the fact i was r//ped for years like yeah lmao hundreds of children go through worse than what i went through and nonoe of them end up as alone and unlovable as me 

nd then now my ex best friend is gone and . now im losing everyone else too and my rational brain says i havent done anything wrong but clearly i mustve if i made everyone hate me i dont understand i dont know why im so unlovable am i really that ? terrible? 

what is it please just tell me please i cant make this mistake againo i cant go through this again just tell me ?? am i too clingy or too needy or too over-loving ?// do i talk too much? am i bnot there enough??? whats wrong with me what did i do??? why does everyone i love stop loving me and start loving other people??? please tell me what i did ??? 

i just wish it didnt feel like this i wish i didnt have to cry for hours and hours in my bed alone nd think about how if i fucking choked to death now no one would even notice; oh i didnt turn up to work? i mustve quit. oh i stopped replying to ur texts? oh well ur fine without me  and id be dead and no one would care im that fucking unlovable and i hate it because i lvoe so so hard and no one loves me and it sounds pathetic but im just broken im so fucking broken 

he broke me he  broke me . i was . like eleven or twelve and he broke me and no one is ever fucking going to love me because he broke me and he fucked me up and then i developed this stupid fucking disorder that means that no matter what i do im just so easy to hate and all i want is. to be loved i wish i wasmt broken and i wsih i was never r//ped but those are big wishes so if i was going to wish for anything id just wish that i was .loved 

just one person who would want me just one person who would think about me when asked “what makes you happy” or thinks about me when theyre sad and it makes them smile or just one person who fucking wants to .hold me or be held by me i just want someone who cares. but no one fucking does and anyone who did has moved on to someone else because they got tired of me because thats what bpd does and thats what trauma does; you become too ugly and too tiring for people to handle and i cant . do this anymore i cant go through this anymore i just .cant do it 

and i know its sounds cliche but i mean it; im so alone. like . so alone i dont have a single person who cares except maybe one person online who used to care and maybe still semi-does but . thats it. i dont have a single irl friend and im not exaggerating like . not a Single person who talks to me or spends time with me 

i was sobbing so much and i still am and i tried to think about laurent because he went through the same thing as i did and he still found love but like lmfao who the fuck is going to love me like thaT??? he’s my age and he’s . found that and i jsut .havent and i never will because everyone fucking hates me and . i just started sobbing harder bc i thought . if he was crying there’d be someone who cares and here i am crying on my own so whatever its going to be like this forever and i know it because ive been close to . Something so many times and still managed to destroy it so what does that say about me?? i just have this tendency to make people hate me even when they loved me which proves i’ll never find anyone who will stay lmao everyone i love just .leaves 

im so so so alone i feel so Broken and he did this to me he did ti he did it when he raped me i was eleven and he raped me what am i supposed to do  i . dont know its been six years since he last did it i was fourteen  the last time and fucking look at me im still so broken every fucking day .  i dont know what to do