#i think i sike myself now if i feel like its a task but writing is srsly fun

[gojowh0rcs]

at some point im gonna make a fic ☝🏾          . maybe

[pokefanbri]

"Home is where the heart is" I dont have to tell you where that lies. But its only part of the pain. I know in my heart I'm a good person, but my life has been in shambles since I was young. Theres many like me, that dont deserve the life they were given & yet somehow persevere through it just to survive & try to be happy through the pain.

How I ask do I deserve not to be happy. I feel there was no justice for me, I was dishonorably discharged lol. I was truly happy where I was, but even if i were to travel place to place...that is also in my blood, not just the place I resided.

I was at home, I was at peace, I truly loved everyone there & every second. But do I dare go there again, absolutely in a heartbeat. But this is what kills me, Part of me says "this is your life now, accept it, push through even if u can't" the other part of me says that ill be white knighted with a bust through the door like the kool-aid man & he says "sike, yea i fucked it up & didn't realize I had something special, will u forgive me" 😅

But i know that could just be my imagination & im overthinking again. But where actually is my life headed? I have a good heart, i care so much about those thats affected me even in a bad way...but maybe that's God's love showing right through me, because I forgive easy & help those that need it. My brother says that a "helper" is equivalent to a partner in crime & all aspects, a soul mate. He throws the word around with this subject, but he's also trying to find his forever helper which he believes is the mother of his 1st born children. Thats great, given the right circumstances & if her situation was better, yea they could probably try.

For me, caring & trust is my biggest downfall. Because i do so much for others b4 myself, I end up taken advantage of or at least feeling like it. Even if its not the case, the wrong thats been done to me all my life..made me this way. I cant help that. And to find someone that I trusted fully, only to find out that I couldn't. That breaks a person like me down & actually hurts to the core. I didnt deserve that, but it was the disservice that was thrust upon me without a 2nd thought. I wasn't given the proper chance to love someone because they refused to love me back & yea most of the time it was about them...but thats a leo for ya 😅

When someone shares it mutually, everyone wins, you're complete, u have that "helper" you've been longing for all your life. The good times that were shared, the humorous banter, doing something for the other just cuz u can & cuz u want to, showing eachother off to friends & family like "yea thats my babe right there" as if to say they were happy u were there,the best friend & sidekick that everyone needs...it was all gone in a blink of an eye. Leading on my heartstrings, making me fall harder & harder, the friendship to the end even, all for nothing. But because of all the positives, thats what gets me, it's why my pain is so confusing. Why was it all like that if not on purpose whether for a positive reason I have yet to understand, to make it easier for them not to deal without regard for the others feelings, or cause God making me suffer more through it to make me stronger...when I thought I was done with low struggles already.

Idk man, I just dont understand. But because of what my life has been like over the past half of the year, all the positives makes me want more...because I never got all of him in the 1st place. I always wanted more because he held himself back & on purpose. So maybe it did seem like attachment, but only cuz I longed for the same feeling in return & didnt give up trying to find it..literally any sign of it. I was trying to figure his sweet ass out & learn what kind of person he really was lol, so I could accommodate to him more especially in the last weeks I was sweating my ass off 😆 I was dedicated so much I was willing to change what wasn't liked on the outside. Like I wanted to do so much to keep the best thing i had, cause deep down I knew his old feelings fizzled out quick & I just didnt understand & I still dont. I mean I guess I understand if he wasn't ready for a commitment? And that's fine, but he committed b4 & when I was brought there. What is it that was so wrong about me, that negative thoughts festered so much about someone it makes u think someone else is the problem, when its not the case at all.

Theres nothing i can think of, nothing else i could've done to show my worth, that I wasn't a waste of time. Maybe I pushed too hard? But in those last few weeks I gave space & focused on myself & my tasks at hand with so much more effort to have some kind of a chance, to save what was precious to me..save someone else that couldn't rise up on their own. & i blew it somehow. I was told i settled, but that was the point from the beginning that we both agreed upon. I think it was just that the other was getting comfortable with someone around & it scared em..to where they couldn't do all they wanted in life along with dealing with someone else at the same time. Or possibly felt 1 or the other wasnt good enough for the other & felt inadequate or unequiped. And searching for someone else to fill a void they already had at home, thats another thing that befuddles me. The last time I saw him, it didn't look or sound like he cared, avoided eye contact til he drove off & my heart sank even more as I knew it might be the last time I ever saw him. I was too pissed & in the heat of the moment flipped him off til he was out of sight, but after...i wanted to die right then & there but my best friend was there & we were on a deadline just as he was. If I were alone & my friend wasn't there, I'd be sobbing in that parking lot for hours til someone found me.

They, he, had it all but lost it due to their own negligence, in my opinion.

I mean come on whats not to like about me that didn't go hand in hand with what they were searching for.

The perfect heritage to match his (Templin Germany the 7th largest region) with some jew blood, same interests & hobbys, outlook on life, the lucky number, a good & gentle soul with a love for God. Passion for travel, soft spot for bald eagles, the dream of becoming a parent 1 day, intellectually & gamer gifted, both loves BLT sandwiches...because i da snack too 😏, both have the same middle name but spelled differently & 30yr olds with same hs class year, I have 3 hansome brothers & he has 3 beautiful sisters. I mean Dafuq? Lol. We're total opposites & literally residing NE to SW of the country, 1 grew up well the other not so much...yet we still were able to find eachother....somehow? Bro how about u try the other half of the yr here, 6 month equivalent & finish 2020 the right way huh lol BET 😂 oh man. A girl can dream though can't she?

I have a college writing level & training in business, musical theater, massage therapy (which was the fav), veterinary tech college training in hs, 7 years of choir under my belt since 5th grade including after hs in multiple churches & my choir teachers wedding. I Iove animals, likes to paint, great with technology, listen to music & sing along to every word almost exact, family oriented, a gaming & content creating wizard, passion for helping people, can organize & clean the shit out of anything, can be the boss when i feel the need as well as the spunk & charisma to push forward at any given task. I can multitask & can get shit done if I set my mind to it, if there's something or someone I need to feel purpose to be my best self, yea & if I'm accepted, that's purpose enough right there to get my ass moving.

Yea, jumbling alot of shit in my early life made me crack under the pressure but only cuz i really went over the top & burnt out. But ive relaxed alot since then & am treated for my ailments, ive learned to do things to pace myself now to prevent a psychosis from ever happen again.

Ive said this b4, there was 1 other that also broke up with me...1st time it ever happened the other way around mind u, was also a Leo.. shocker lol. After only 3 months & of me saying the L word too quick...it was what finally broke me, what added ontop of everything else. I was living in my own apt since hs & after school a yr later at 19..he lived in the same apt complex & worked where i did. We hit it off really well & loved talking to eachother at work, almost the same humorous & smart personality with a passion for gaming, dead ass great driver, skinny & ample where it counted, & yea also a weed enthusiast 😅 all of it pretty much the same as the recent one in my life. Honestly thinking about it now they probably would've been great friends lol. Thomas was his name, but I was in a relationship at the time of meeting him as well. But I didn't pursue anything til that relationship blew up in my face just cuz my current bf's grandfather was my boss & saw how well Thomas & i got along as friends, associated it with cheating, & that was that. Tom could be mine after all lol, chips fell into place on their own after he professed his feelings to me on his MySpace blog so damn smoothly lol 😂 Saying there was a girl he liked, i commented on it, he asked me out, that was trap lol, but it worked lol. The chemistry was 🔥

But yea, we had alot fun together & he was completely chill with me. But after it ended it set something off in me. Ended up in a psych ward for 2-3 weeks, little did I know he was worried sick & had no idea where i was or how to visit. I wasnt allowed to have my phone but the persons number I knew by heart, was the previous guy b4 tom, the chubby aloof dumbass that was my 1st love lol. Tom hated him with a passion cuz this dude wasn't a man that treated me fairly, pushed onto me by his family for me to take care of, shelter & feed him mooching off of me & taking advantage of a comfortable place to live at 1 point. When i was in the hospital, my 1st was the 1 to pick me up. When I got back from the hospital I learned of how tom was worried & he gave me a big hug. But by that point I was back with the 1st...somehow that happened & I actually don't remember what brought it on cuz my memory throughtout those weeks was dowsed in medication...but Thomas was the one heartbroken instead of me this time cuz he actually did want me back, the fact I took this other guy back over him, a person he despised...was terrible to him & he severed all ties, moved away. He broke up with me, technically it was okay as so i thought to see someone else regardless if it was an ex or not. i didn't know I had another chance at all.

But anyway, the difference between the 2 leo Ts, 1 let me in completely, cared about me as much as i did for him in same way & the L word too soon is what did it in for him after 3 months 🤷‍♀️ The other T well..unfortunately 1 sided for the most part despite how well we clicked, i was faithful & the other tried not to be after 3 months & hid things due to his own insecurities, pulling me along for another 3months when I didn't have to do jack for him at all after that point, but I did. I might've said the L word too soon with him as well idk. But because I'm a different person than I was then, there's no psychotic break...its just the depressed feeling of defeat with the mix of the longing i still have for him.

Wtf is it with T names & the number 3!? ffs! 😫 Briana Leigh Templin BLT, Bri Loves...whoever Tfuk 🤣

I cant write anymore today, I gotta leave tomorrow. My brother wants me to work for him instead & make more money, in a team that would be like in an office space, basically an assistant but making calls & checking in with clients within his real estate, solar, etc businesses.

But idk, I just got my foot in the door with something else. If I let go of that, for something that could or could not be bad for me, then what do I do? Neither of them sound any less stressful, bryans idea however earns more money & would have me dealing with stuff I like to do in regards to skills maybe? Idk man, idk. It'd a tough call.

My point in writing this, nothing accept to show how much I thought he was perfect for me, just as he originally thought about me. These are all thoughts going through my mind, get them out of my head. To talk openly the way I am, its therapeutic. But I miss him so damn much, not sure when this feeling will go away. I still love him & even dare I say trust him,even through his lying ass faults & idk why, i shouldn't but i do...thats the powerful effect he had on me. Still waiting on the last promise to be friends, im giving space, venting here instead of to him cuz i wouldn't want to be that much of an annoyance. I was going to include more but it'd be dark & negative,& im not about outing the worst in people especially if he was a good guy for the most part...no that wouldn't be right, probably deserves it to be honest..but no. I still wanna do right by him. That's all for now

[blackmentalhealth-matters]

Drugs You Should Try x Travis Scott (Ft Depression)

You just had a stressful ass day…. failed that exam you should of studied for, got caught up with your side piece, got fired from work or maybe even got into with your parents. How do you cope? Sleep? Exercise? Prayer? In a perfect world we like to think these are coping mechanisms we would use, but in reality were indulging in the first thing that numbs whatever pain were experiencing. So what’s your pick of poison? Weed? Liquor? Pills? I know you’re probably thinking, “I only do that when I’m out with friends” or for “social and recreational” purposes but our generation is slowly but surely turning into alcoholics and drug addicts. If you know me personally, you know I’m always down for the turn up. I’m the girl at every party (damn near) with a bottle of patron, going shot for shot with anybody who dare challenge me. Ever wonder…why I’m always intoxicated. It took me a while to realize it, but when those shots of patron on the weekend became shots I was taking just because I completed basic daily tasks I realized I was using alcohol as a escape from the hardships of life. So here I am damn near becoming dependent on alcohol, a bottle away from an AA meeting, practicing my “Hi, My name is Devine and I’m an alcoholic” speech in the mirror when I had to stop and think…what exactly am I trying to run away from? What feelings am I attempting to suppress? As I mentioned before I’ve struggled with Major Depressive Disorder since middle school, for those who aren’t sure what that is…its usually referred to as “Clinical Depression”. Now like I said I’m not a psychologist yet but if you have felt depressed, lack of interest, change in weight, not being able to sleep, feeling worthless, cant concentrate etc, for a duration of two weeks or longer…period…then uh my guy you may have MDD. It’s bad enough our generation already struggles with the stigma behind mental health issues but we also encounter the glorification of drugs and alcohol. With artists like Future whose telling us every time the perkys calling, or Travis Scott telling us the plethora of drugs we should try, or even Frank Ocean (with the voice of an angel) telling us that novacane numbs the pain…its no wonder we rush to whatever can get our hands on when were feeling down. Now I’m not saying that just because you listen to them (they’re in heavy rotation for me lol) means you have a drug problem, I’m just asking you to analyze the mindstate your in while your participating in these extracurriuar activities, if you wanna take it a step further think about the mindstate they are in when they making the music. Cause come on now, sometimes I listen to Future and just feel sad lmao. Its so many artists crying out for help in their songs its crazy, remember when Wayne came out with “I Feel Like Dying”….just internalize the lyrics? I mean Kid Cudi just recently was brave enough to speak out about his depression. It makes you think why everytime you get sad you want to smoke/drink while listening to these or other artists?

Now lets dig a little deeper into the statistics According to the MHA (Mental Health America) 13.2 % of the U.S population identifies as Black,  (6.8 million)   1/5 will deal with a mental health issue a year 20% are more likely to deal with mental health issues than the rest of the population Black people are more likely than white to have feelings of sadness,hopefulness, worthlessness than white. Black people are more likely than white to die by suicide and attempt suicide than whites (8.3% vs 6.2%) so no it’s not just white people killing themselves… 40% of white are more likely to seek out help…. See a problem? Cause I sure do…

Depression is a term we use loosely but never take the time to fully understand how to A. accept and acknowledge we or someone we know suffers from it and most importantly B. how to take steps in the right direction to feel better…in a positive way that is. Now if your like me the thought of taking medication to feel better is a huge no for me. Tried it. felt like a zombie. stopped it immediately lol. So being diagnosed with depression and not taking the prescribed medicine for it, took me a while to try and figure out what to do so I wasn’t numb all the time…. The first thing I do when I’m finding myself slip into a depressive state is. 1.Write down and set goals. I write out a list of goals I want to accomplish whether they be long term or short and I make semi goals to help me get to that major goal. By visually seeing my goals on a piece of paper it motivates me to complete them so when I cross it out I can see my list getting smaller. 2. Change my environment. I get distracted and caught up SO EASILY. My personality is so addicting if I like something too much I become oblivious to everything around me. So if I’m feeling depressed and all I wanna do is drink, i’m gonna be in an environment where all we do is drink lol. CHANGE your scenery, if your friends are just drinking cause your making them lol  (like my friends sorry guys lol) then do something different. Engage in different activities that’s not the same basic shit, switch it up. You’ll feel better drastically. Shit move across the country lol (sike that’s what I had to do cause man Michigan was draining me lol) 3. Eat healthy, exercise…cause we know all know liquor puts on calories. maybe if you cut back you can fit into that outfit you been eyeing lol. 4. UNPLUG. Our generation has it bad with always being on our phones and not knowing how to just take a break. We keep getting wrapped up in social media (in fear were missing out). Take a personal day, take time away from everyone. It’s okay to isolate yourself. Ask my friends, when I get overwhelmed I act like casper and just disappear lol. I turn my phone off, don’t talk to anyone just take time away from everyone to get myself back focused.

5. TALK TO SOMEONE. IT’S OKAY TO VENT. If you don’t have at least one person you can call when you’re feeling down then you need to evaluate your friends. I ALWAYS make sure my friends know that regardless what they’re going through I am always here, 100% no judgement zone. If you need a friend like that, my line is always open and I mean that. (I just know how it feels to have no one)

These are just a few things I do, that personally helps me with depression, sadness, or whatever label you want to use for your defintion of being upset….find what works best from you…just try and be sober while your doing it (;