#i think i'll let that be my overflow journal instead

[natural-blogarithm]

i made this (somewhat shoddily bound) journal for myself with 366 pages so that i could fill a page a day for an entire year. i was going to start in january but now i kind of want to do this for the last year of my 20s. i have to retroactively fill a page for yesterday but i think this could be nice.

[punsmaster69]

3/DEC/20XX

"I've always said that filling a glass to the brim is the most efficient method..."

flowey turned to me with the most shit-eating grin i think i've seen from him yet.

"But wow. I mean, really, 𝘞𝘖𝘞.

You reeaally took that to heart."

"soul, technically."

"Whatever. Point is, you've messed yourself up baadd."

"You can barely 𝘀𝗲𝗲!"

"noticed that. not why we're here though, petals."

"I- PETALS?!"

"Do NOT call me that!"

i considered saying something like, "ok, whatever you say, petals." but didn't.

flowey's not gonna actually help me if i piss him off too bad.

well.

helping is what i 𝘢𝘴𝘬𝘦𝘥 him to do...

instead he's taken the opportunity to get out all the snide remarks he's got about my whole overflow thing going on.

pretty sure he's been biting these back real hard while the others were around.

——

he's still going.

what a butthead.

hm.

know he likes...

dinosaurs.

dragons.

video games.

'specially that one character. a dino of some kind.

the color green.

drawing. (with frisk, usually.)

puzzles.

candy. loves candy.

loves anything sweet, really.

ok. any of those sound like gift ideas?

whatever. guess i'll figure it out later.

...

wow, he's still talking.

"......."

nevermind, he stopped.

"Why do you keep looking at me, then at the page?"

"Are you really writing ALL of this down?"

"nah."

"What ARE you writing, then?"

"just random thoughts."

"Ew. Nevermind. I don't wanna hear about whatever goes on in that probably-hollow skull of yours."

"k."

"got any ideas for frisk's, yet?"

flowey's face tells me he's forgotten that's why he was here to begin with.

"........."

and his silence tells me that he really doesn't have any.

"...ok."

"let's come back to this."

"got ideas for tori?"

"NO."

"what? can't get her gifts now?"

"You're gonna be all gross about it!"

"gross?"

"Romatical!"

"...romantic..al?"

"That's the word."

"romantic?"

"no 'a', no 'l'."

"You get what I mean!"

"not gonna be, 'romantical' about it."

"pure-intentioned holiday gifts."

"𝘏𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘥𝘢𝘺?"

"not sure what to call it anymore."

"Obviously-"

"Obviously..."

his face shifted as he thought about it.

"...Christmas."

"or gyftmas?"

"Have you just been calling it 'holiday' this whole time?"

"been switching between the three."

"so, no ideas?"

"........."

"ok. welp. since you've apparently only agreed to come here so you could berate me.."

"i'm kicking you out."

"....."

"Fine! Good! I don't wanna be in your terrible room anymore."

so i carried him to papyrus' room.

paps looked up from his book.

"HELLO SANS! AND HELLO, FLOWERY."

"Howdy."

with having set flowey on the end of paps' bed, that kid's decidedly no longer my problem.

"bug him for a while. i'm outta here."

"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

"back to bed."

"What??"

"gonna write the rest of the journal first, but yep."

"What time is it?"

"IT'S ABOUT NINE, I BELIEVE."

"...I spent three hours talking to YOU?!"

"OH! I SUPPOSE YOU SHOULD BE GETTING HOME, FLOWERY."

he closed his book and hopped up.

"AWAY WE GO!"

flowey was being carried out the door before he could even start to say anything about it.

——

still blank on the present-idea front, but there's plenty of december left to think it over.

maybe i'll ask tori about frisk's.

[naidile]

Nine people¹ you want to get to know better tag game

¹ - Vinny I don't think I even know nine people but I'm here for the tag! Let's go!!

Tagged by @payphoneangel

Last Song - Juanes's cover of Pump It Up by Elvis Costello

Went looking for this song after Olivia Rodrigo's Brutal (which I love) was accused of plaigarism for having a guitar riff that was similar to one in this song. I found it really cool that instead of suing her for royalties, Elvis just shrugged and went no that's actually how music works, it's fine by me.

Favourite colour - Blue!

Last movie/ TV show - Tatort Saarbrücken 🙃🙃🙃

Other than that, CBS Mom is like crack for my heart and brain and has gotten me through the past couple of weeks. I watched S1 a few years ago, maybe when I was in college and never got to S2 but then earlier this month, I read that William Fichtner co-starred on the show and I was like 👀 alrightyyy because the last time I saw him on screen was in Prison Break and he acted the fuck out of his role there.

So yeah, jumped back into Season 3 of Mom because that's where his character comes in and then remembered how good the damn show was. Came for the Fitch, stayed for the funny women.

Sweet/Spicy/Savoury - All three! I usually snack on savoury foods though.

Relationship status - Single af 😚

Last thing I googled - Stack overflow + the entire error code. (It worked!)

Current Obsessions - the song Suck It And See, chicken tenders, french toast, this TV/Radio/Cassette player

It's a Nippon TV - 939

I absolutely don't need it though I might look into getting a CRT television from the ebay pay nothing section later this year though :)

Last book - A Poison Like No Other Matt Simon

Basically if a journal paper was so well-written that it could be simplified and published for the public while retaining all it's key information, this would be the book. It's depressing realness (about microplastic contamination) but incredibly well structured and not as dreary as it sounds. I recommend it!

Looking forward to - Moving out of my fucking apartment so I never have to deal with my creepy, screaming landlord again.

I'll be out of my lease by May! I'll also be seeing Mitski in May. Marvelous month tbh.

TY FOR THE TAG!!

Tagging @fangurl @notrenu @bisexual-joseph-joestar & @allyouneed-isfaith-andtrust <3

[piecesofmicorazon]

he's still right here

yesterday, Jordan was sharing with me some convictions she had after dancing on a couple guys at everday ppl. if i'm being honest, i guess i was judging her a little bit, but i'm ngl i wanted it to be me too! the desire to be wanted, for lust.

there was a time where this conviction took over my entire being, i'd feel SO guilty after dancing with a guy, i've written so many journals about it. but perhaps those convictions are significant, as we feel them so deeply.

the need to be seen in a very lustful way, the need to feel desired in that kind of light, the want to show off your body or how well you can dance. those are the many things i used to crave, and still do, very much so.

but Jordan always speaks so well, i wish she'd know how valuable her words of sharing are to me. she listened to the sermon last week-- and she said that even though she's feeling like this and feeling like it's not right, she knows that her faith and connection with God is unwavered. that he's still right here next to her, that things like this don't mean that he's left or that her spiritual journey is moving backwards. wow. i mean, how wonderful is that?

i mean it's so simple, and so true. perhaps a kid could've told me this, but why is it so hard for me to grasp that sometimes? to know that just because i feel far from him or just because there are certain circumstances / convictions that arise, he's still right here? he's never left, i have.

and after being in awe of her words, i quickly fell into the trap of questioning myself. "shit, when's the last time i journaled? when's the last time i listened to a sermon? i need to talk to God or else he's not gonna let me go to paris.."

it's so hard and embarrassing to admit, but this is the way my head works. i feel almost threatened and start comparing myself, instead of just dwelling in the grace and mercy of Jesus for a second.

i also recognize that i'm so good at rebuking Jordan for working on sundays, saying "so you're not going to church?" when i have not gone once, the person who's free every sunday. she listens to every sermon, while i haven't opened my bible in months. this is all part of my journey to becoming a healthy three. stay tuned.

the point is, i do want to get closer to God and i know i have to put the work in. and day by day i am. but i need to realize and truly know that grace cannot be earned, something that we learn so early on yet still the hardest thing for me to remember.

even though i mess up and constantly fail, you are still right here. you are still walking with me and honestly it's so simple: you're always right here.

my sweet Jesus,

you're so good to me, to the point where i don't believe it sometimes. ari often says something to me like "everyone knows that you're God's favourtie." and though that's obviously not true, i often think it really is. you are constantly overwhelming me with blessings and my cup is constantly overflowing, that i can't even bask in all of it sometimes.

even on my worst days, you remind me that i am immensely loved and seen twice as much. you are always right there.

please help me to not take this for granted, but actually bask in it instead. to become the best version of me, the one you've created me to be, knowing that i'll constantly mess up! BUT you'll still be right here. your unfailing love will still be right here, your marvelous mercy and glorious grace will still be right here.

i am on this journey to find myself, to know myself, ultimately to know you more. humble me Jesus, point out my flaws and help me admit my wrongs. help me to love deeply and humbly, loving others first and more than myself. to not feel shame or be stubborn, but to truly care for my friends. to not brag or have to flaunt every blessing in my life, and especially to not make anything up to boost my ego or persona. i want to be fully me, all the good and bad parts. i don't want to be anyone else and i pray that i will remember that as i grow into all of me.

thank you for jordan, my sweet jordy, who has the most beautiful childlike faith, who makes the gospel so simple, as it really is. for always reminding me in the easiest ways, and for her short yet stirring sentences that always bring me back to you.

thank you for who i am so i can know who you are, and for always being right here.

[traceemerald]

-February 21st, Factory Tyrant's Journal, Entry 27-

I'm going to try to automate production of as many resources necessary for solar panels as I can, though I know I won't get that done today.

Before I can do this, I need to get my storage system running again, since my pump setup isn't working, and my storage system isn't receiving any power.

I should be able to access my storage by manually moving a geothermal generator next to it and manually providing it with lava.

Main problem with that is that I can't use a tank, since it's being used to hold creosote oil right now, so instead I've brought my CESU and a geothermal generator down to the lava pool I used to get lava from, so I can convert the lava to power there, and don't have to constantly run back and forth bringing individual buckets of lava to the surface.

I think this is basically how I'm going to have to use my storage system until I get enough solar panels to power it.

To help me keep track of what I'll need to make before I can mass produce solar panels, I'm going to copy my list of resources from entry 26, and describe how I'm going to get those resources.

In no particular order, the materials I'll need are

Iron (can be obtained via transmuting emeralds from villager trading, or transmuting gold from a gold farm)

Rubber (can be obtained via a rubber farm)

Copper, tin, and coal (unfortunately only obtainable through mining)

Redstone (also obtainable through mining, I really don't want to make a witch farm)

Cobblestone (obtainable through mining, I can make a cobblestone generator if I need to)

Glass (obtainable via smelting sand, sand is obtainable via macerating cobblestone)

Iron and rubber are the only materials I don't plan to get through mining (though I'll probably get iron through mining anyway), so I'll start work on a rubber farm, since rubber is what I need most.

I should be able to make a rubber farm by attaching an extractor to an arboretum that grows rubber trees.

I've now made a working rubber farm, though it does look like a bit of a mess.

Let me try to explain what's going on here.

The arboretum will manage all trees planted on the surrounding humus (which looks like darkened dirt), and the hopper beneath it will put any products from the trees into the sorting machine (which I borrowed from my ore processor).

The sorting machine will send all rubber wood east (into the extractor), send all rubber tree saplings west (into the bottom chest), and send everything else up (into the void chest) in case the arboretum produces something like sand, which it doesn't do often enough to be a viable source of sand.

The pipe on the right side will send everything from the bottom chest up to the top chest.

The hoppers underneath the top chest act as an overflow gate, sending items to the arboretum unless there's no room for them (in which case they go to the extractor).

The extractor is connected to an underground pipe that leads to the an output chest off-screen.

The 2 DirtChest 9000!s never receive any items, and are solely to reduce hopper lag.

Currently this farm is not running at full speed for 2 reasons.

First, I'm only powering the extractor and sorting machine with a single solar panel, which isn't even enough to power the extractor alone (which costs 2 EU/t).

Second, there are only a few saplings in the farm at the moment, but that will be fixed over time as the farm runs, as arboretums produce more saplings than they use.

On the left of the image, you can see my spruce tree farm (not currently in use, hence the lack of trees) and my automining site (also not currently in use).

Anyway, my current goal now is just to wait until I have enough rubber to replace my new rubber farm's solar panel with a low voltage solar array (Compact Solar Arrays), which produces 8 times as much power, but costs 8 solar panels to craft, so it's only more efficient space-wise.

I would like to make one thing clear right now, I'm not using solar panels because they're eco-friendly, I'm using them because they're low-maintenance, they're easy to set up, and there's not a lot that can go wrong when using them.

Anyway, I started mining a sky stone meteor back in entry 11, but I never actually finished it, so I'm going to do that while waiting for enough rubber.

Meteor is gone, and I've installed a low voltage solar array at my rubber farm, I also installed a BatBox so any excess power can be stored for use at night, though I don't think the BatBox can hold enough to power the farm for a whole night.

I still need a lot more solar panels to power my main base, but for now I think I'm done.

-End Journal Entry 27-

[frogsandfries]

Irritated

Over the weekend (our weekends are a little off because currently only one of us works, which is honestly starting to worry me. July is basically over and we wanted to start seriously looking in September) I don't remember what I said to instigate the remark, but our host thought it would be clever to accuse me of doing nothing, which I guess I was supposed to take solely as a joke. Honestly, the more interact with people, the more I find people use jabs like that to try to deliver their honest opinions in a non-offensive way. I don't mind, for example, my friend playfully accusing me of being expensive and needy--it's a gentle reminder to keep looking for work.

It pissed me off, and it's been grating on me because he fucking lays in bed for anywhere from two to four hours on his phone after he wakes up. Depending on what's going on, I'm usually up within a half an hour and I get ready to start the day, and within the first two hours, I've usually straightened up the kitchen. On the weekend, instead of getting up and clattering around in the kitchen, I stay on the couch on my phone and let my friend get some extra sleep. After breakfast, which I guess by that point in the day is lunch, sometimes I try to do job stuff, but usually I either do some journaling or sometimes embroidery. Lately, it's been beading masks. I pretend I'm doing the masks on commission for my friend. After all, he bought the materials and he buys groceries.

Sure, sometimes I have a nap in the late afternoon or early evening, but I've been sleeping weird. I'll sleep from one to three hours after midnight, then at the least, I wake up when the couch gets vacated to lay down, but sometimes my friend wants to chat or other things, then I go back to sleep for four to six hours. So think about that: some days, I'm sleeping as little as four or five hours. No fucking shit I'm going to take a nap.

Conversely, our host spends most of his day either literally sitting at the counter at the diner, or playing video games. Okay, usually, when he gets back from the diner--where he rarely buys food and usually just drinks their fucking coffee. And days when he doesn't play video games all fucking day? He's usually watching movies.

But he wants to accuse me of doing nothing??

Fine.

The kitchen is trashed. He fucked up the pot I use to boil noodles, the garbage is overflowing, the counter is covered in his food wrappers. He asked me to sew some snaps on something; fuck him. I'm not doing it.

I'm going to finish journaling while he--surprise!--plays video games. Then I might make a smoothie because I am getting hungry, and I'm going to work on this mask.

Then the other thing that bothers me is, last night, our host got wine drunk and I'm still not convinced he was pretending to be passed out on the couch, but he says he was pretending. So I'm yelling at this jackass, telling him get up, sleep in his bed, and alternating between tequila-drunkenly suggesting that my friend and I have sex in our host's bed--which was inspired by a story that was related to me, where he caught his friend fucking a girl in his bed.

Luckily, before we did that or even pretended, my friend asked for more details on that story: Our host had come home about one in the morning to find his friend in his bed with a girl. Our host took off his boots and hid them then hid in a pile of clothes. She saw the boots before he hid them, then they disappeared, so she was suspicious. When they started getting busy again, he got into the bed with them and said something that freaked them both out, and that was that.

Sooooo...... yeah. Lesson one, never getting in that bed. Lesson two, I will never be able to fully relax and enjoy sex while we live with him.

I'm no less than 90% certain this guy does not see sex the same way I do, to say the least. Maybe it's old-school of me, but I see sex as incredibly personal. I don't record every last detail of my exploits and I don't really talk too much detail when I mention gestures and reminders. I'm even kind of timid about asking directly for what I want.

It actually boggles my mind that this guy was able to sneak into bed with them. Maybe it's because of how crowded our situation is, but I'm constantly ready to take evasive action. I'm sure if you're reading this, you're dying to know how nerve-wracking it is to take my pants off; there is no fucking chance of me taking my shirt off until there is a door I can lock.

On our way to sleep this morning, I wanted to sleep on the floor--but so did my friend. I've somehow managed to get away with sleeping on the floor exactly every other night for two weeks. Last night, they tried to tag team me into conceding. When our host gave up, as I was resting my head on the nearest available surface (I think my friend's hip), he asked outright if we'd ever had sex--the response that popped immediately into my head was, of course I've had sex before. Before I could respond, he seemed to clarify, asking if we've had sex in the apartment, with each other. I had to pause, because, really, a) that's really weird to ask, b) he was probably no less than a little drunk, c) that's incredibly personal and not really any of his business. There's no fucking way I was going to tell him yes. My friend reminded me I basically yelled that we did, so if questioned further, I'm just going to say I was drunk and exhausted, and my friend and I agreed to leave it in the past, but otherwise it's honestly still none of business.

Overall, my relations with this guy who's allowing us to live in his apartment are not shaping up well. He also stuck his phone in my face yesterday when he was in a video call, which I thought was rude and felt like an invasion of not only my personal space but also my privacy.