#i think im in a super weird mood because this week a loooooot of past memories have been brought up since i saw someone who kinda triggered

[himbosims]

uh complaining under the cut dont read if you dont wanna know potentially tmi stuff or dont wanna read anything triggering towards mental health and alcohol/drugs

im just SO FUCKING DONE. I work full time, not by choice, but because I have yet to be put on a part time schedule. I also am a full time student. This means the 168 hours I have in the week, 80 go to work and school, potentially more depending on the week. But im also trying really hard to take care of myself because last year when the last thing happened i fell into a really really really bad depression, relapsed, turned to alcohol and pot to cope, which i mean, isnt a bad thing, nothing wrong with a drink or two or having a blunt, but it became more of a every weekend kind of thing. I didn’t want to be sober because everything was just too hard and too much and it seemed alcohol made it better. I was really in one of my worst places in my life around October of last year to February of this year and I really don’t want to fall into that place again, so im trying hard to take care of myself. Im going to therapy, taking my medicine, caring for my health as much as I can, but its just, so hard sometimes. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety earlier this year, which I already knew, but now that Ive started therapy and treatment I’ve been diagnosed with BPD (or at least, semi diagnosed, she didnt have time last session to give me a proper diagnoses, but she says it is highly likely thats my main “issue”) and idk. Im having a hard time coping with it I guess. I mean, ive kinda known for awhile. I could go into papers full of the shit thats happened in the last year to make me think this was a possible diagnoses, but theres a difference between just thinking it to yourself and being told “hey this is what is wrong with you.” (im just now realizing some of you dont know what bpd is so uh, if you dont, think hot and cold, thats how i am about everything, if you wanna learn more just send me an ask or a message, ill share what ive learned based on what my therapist told me). And right now is a really triggering time for me based on past trauma and current things happening in my life, that plus the fact that my depression gets worse in the winter, im really just straight up not having a good time. 

Tumblr also hasnt been great for my mental health, and this is where it gets to the part where you are going to judge me so please just dont because i will probably just cry and log off for months again. All of those posts that go around that are like “sim stories to read” or “blogs I love” really fucking did me in this week because i kept waiting for someone to add me and everytime i saw a reblog where i wasnt on it i felt terrible. I hate that part about myself but i cant change it, i told my therapist about it and she said, again, its the bpd, but its just very annoying. I always find myself so fucking sad on this platform because i never feel appreciated, which is stupid because i know I am, but my brain cant turn off for five seconds just to be happy with what i have. Instead i have to convince myself no one actually cares about me and soon everyone will forget about me and my characters and ill go back to what my blog was when i started it four years ago getting one note per post while my mutuals just get more followings. I hate this. I hate this so much and if there was a way to change this part of me I would because its bullshit. 

That plus the fact that I havent felt good today (i have chronic digestive/stomach issues and have since I was a kid, yeah me) so i worked all day basically just being in pain because i ate something new and my body had a very negative reaction to it.  Which made me in a terrible mood since I got to work. 

I really wanna work on stuff. I got in such a big mood to write yesterday but i was too tired to actually do anything and thats basically been my entire life recently. I sleep all night and as much of the day as possible and when im not asleep im tired and in a shitty mood and i know theres not much i can do about it because im not in control of really anything. Basically im just vibing, but not the good kind, more of the “i hate everything and life isnt fair but im too spiteful to die” kinda vibing.