#i think it really says something that from my twitch recap stats

[bubblymiilk]

My next video needed a bit more time in the oven, so why not post the last two years over here?

I've made a tradition of taking all my favorite Frankenbugs (@facefullabugz and @friendlyfrankenstein) clips from the year and compiling them into one video. It's always so fun combing through bits I loved or reliving the ones I'd forgotten. Here are the ones from 2022 and 2021 (with 2023 on it's way)!

It's no understatement that their streams have been a huge staple in an important part of my life. Hope you enjoy!

[sons-of-the-morning-star]

This is part 2 of Chapter/Episode 1.

If you haven't read part 1, you can read it here:

I will do a recap when I get to Chapter/Episode 2; best to start off the first episode or chapter with a bang, am I right?😉

With that out of the way, let's continue!!!

Crowley joins Lucius in drinking before he starts explaining:

"My friend and I have this kid we've been watching over for a while. He's... different, like you amd that photographer guy I talked to earlier."

Lucius nods and writes Crowley a message. 'You want me to join you two as you "watch over" him?'

Crowley shakes his head and rests one leg iver the other. "Oh, no. No, no, no. Not exactly, at least."

Lucius raises an eyebrow. 'Not exactly?'

The doorbell rings and Lucius answers to get a warm, loving, brotherly embrace from Damien...

Through a quarterback level tackle. That sends Lucius to the floor and gasping for air both because he got the wind knocked out of him, and because Damien has his hands on Lucius's throat.

"You son of a bitch!" Damien screams. "Killing criminals isn't enough already!? You just had to take it to another level!? You couldn't help yourself, could you!?"

Lucius uses his telekinesis to throw Damien off of him, thankfully not breaking anything, and into a wall, kicking him pretty weakly because of that tackle.

The expression on Lucius's face doesn't say 'I had nothing to do with any of that,' it ACTUALLY says, 'YOU MADE ME CONCUSS, YOU ASS!'

"Boys, boys," Crowley chides as he watches and finishes his drink. "Don't play rough in the house OR swear in front of me."

Damien stands up, but Lucius backs away, making very weak gestures that finally mean something when he points to his eyes, then a window. He doesn't know a lot of sign yet, but he is learning.

'Stalker.'

"I don't stalk you, Senator Wagner." Damien says that part in a very mocking way, which does not sit well with Lucius.

"Before you two tear each other apart," Crowley calls, "mind if I remind you that you don't have a choice?"

Lucius folds his arms and raises an eyebrow. 'What if I don't?'

Crowley shouts, "AZIRAPHALE!" and dices to the ground.

Our angel friend comes out from behind a wall and holds a cross in his hand, right way up.

Even though it's far away, it still has "bad" effects on Lucius, making him groan and fall to the ground. Imagine if you had one of those headaches that don't hurt, but make your head feel heavy and weird, like you need to sleep, BUT IT'S IN YOUR ENTIRE BODY.

Damien has a similar reaction as Aziraphale steps closer.

"So sorry, boys, but you need to listen!"

"Like I said earlier," Crowley cuts in, "it takes a demon to know a demon. The same goes for you two and your brothers."

Lucius coughs and nods his head, agreeing with what the pair are saying as long as they put the cross away.

Aziraphale puts it down and nods back. "Good. Thank you. He'll be here tomorrow."

With a nod, both Aziraphale and Crowley leave, Crowley leaving them some custady papers.

Once the two are a good distance away, Damien speaks up, though neither he or Lucius stand; an angel wielding a cross is enough to weaken them ten fold.

"Congratulations. You're a father."

Lucius pulls himself up and smacks Damien before standing up.

I should probably mention that Lucius's house is bigger than we're first seeing. I kinda forgot to mention this in part 1, but Lucius lives in a multi leveled house. There have been instances of "co-workers" needing to stat the night so they don't get into ant accidents, die, or get arrested. Co-workers like political allies that were not brainwashed and anyone in Lucius's party with a good political rank.

Back to the story, Lucius throws away the empty bottle Crowley had and puts his back in the fridge before starting a pot of coffee.

Damien joins him in the kitchen and leans against the counter.

"So, we have brothers to look after."

Lucius groans and shrugs as he nods. 'Seems like it.'

"I already have an apartment, by the way."

'Then live there. Just don't squat here with our so-called brother.'

Damien narrows his eyes. "I have some bad news, then. I can't exactly afford to have an emergency flight back home. And I can't bail on my company when they want to know what Future Senator of the United States has planned once he's in office."

Lucius leans and tips his head back as he groans, rolling his eyes.

"How do you like tricking all those people, huh? About killing and manipulating anyone in your way? Doesn't it bother you?"

Lucius eyes Damien and then holds his hands out before writing a message.

'Pretty good if they deserve it.'

The two stare each other down before Lucius sighs.

Note here, whenever Lucius "talks" just assume the more cohesive sentences are either written out or a gesture that's easy to read, while ones that are chunkier are his signing. Like, 'I don't think that's a good idea to do,' is his writing or gesturing, while 'not good,' is his signing.

Back to Lucius. 'Fine. You can stay for the night. Don't get comfortable here.'

"Trust me, I won't."

With one last good night glare, the two part ways, Lucius in his own room and Damien on the couch.

CUT TO THE NEXT MORNING!!!

Lucius is in his office building doing some work, a little cranky from having to share his house with Damien.

He isn't exactly busy long, because he gets a knock on his door.

"Mr. Wagner? You have some visitors who really want to see you."

Lucius nods and waves his hand in a gesture of, 'Fine, fine, fine. Just let them in.'

In walk three boys, two more grown up and one adolescent with a dog. The two young men from the interview, but Lucius has never seen the red haired/brown haired child with them.

Adam looks very upset, like he's been crying a lot, and Jack keeps ruffling his hair and giving him side-hugs.

"Mr. Lucius Wagner, I'm Jack," says the taller brunette as he gestures to himeslf before waving to the blond, "this is Michael," he says before side-hugging Adam again, "And this is Adam."

"Jack Kline, Michael Langdon, and Adam Young," Michael snaps. "We're the three boys you have custody over, the ones given to you by the demon Crawley."

"Crowley," Adam barks. "His name is Crowley."

Lucius's eye twitches. 'There's THREE of you?'

Jack tilts his head. "You didn't read those custody papers all the way, did you?" He tilts his head back and chuckles as Lucius digs in his briefcase for the custody papers. "There's fine print. There's always fine print. Dean was never good with that either."

Lucius doesn't repeat Dean's mistake again and reads the papers thoroughly enough to see that, yes, he is now the legal guardian of Adam, Jack, and Michael.

AND HE IS THE GUARDIAN PARTNER OF DAMIEN.

The sight of those words make Lucius slam down the papers and dial his phone.

Michael rolls his eyes as Adam takes a seat, Dog hopping up to comfort his master.

"Told you he wouldn't take it well."

Jack shrugs, a small smile on his face. "I think he's taking it just fine."

Lucius snaps his fingers and points between Jack and his phone.

"See? He wants me to talk to our brother for him!"

Lucius lets out a, "TSS! TSS!" and holds up a note. 'READ THESE OUT LOUD INTO THE DAMN PHONE!!!'

"You should watch your language in front of a near teenage boy."

"JUST TALK!" Michael yells as Lucius slams his fist and phone against the table, the speaker on.

Jack shakes his head and mutters, "Such a poor example we're all setting." As the phone is anwered by Damien.

"Yes, brother dear?"

"Hello, Damien! Nice to finally talk to you!"

Lucius holds up a piece of paper for Jack to read.

"Oh! Lucius wants me to tell you, 'I am not your partner,' in all capital letters and with an exclamation point."

From where he is, Damien chuckles and shrugs. "Well, that was the agreement with us and Aziraphale and Crowley. We can't back out unless we want to get baptized."

Lucius scribbles another message for Jack to read.

"He wrote, 'They said there'd only be one brother,' and one is in all capital letters."

"They said brothers-suh. With an S at the end. And we can't orphan the other two."

Lucius gives Jack a look that says, 'No, this isn't happening!' and groans loudly as he smashes his head into his desk.

"See you guys back home!" Damien laughs before hanging up.

Everyone is in silence as Lucius groans as he hids his head against his desk.

Jack looks at Adam as he hugs Dog close to him and then to Lucius, who holds his head down with his hands.

"I'd say that went well."

Cut to when Lucius's day is over and he's walking with Michael, Jack, Adam, and Dog behind him, specifically in that order as Jack keeps quacking and saying the three of them are Lucius's and Damien's ducklings.

A figure watches them walk, though he smiles as they get to the parking garage.

"Nicely done, you two," he admits. "Good luck, Senator Lucius."

Lucius turns his head as Aziraphale waves at him.

Aziraphale looks to see another angel watching the brothers as they drive away and bristles.

Cut to Lucius in the car, Michael in shotgun and Jack, Adam, and Dog in the backseat.

"Look at us. A family, at last. Isn't this nice?" Jack asks as he looks to each of his brothers and holds Adam's hand.

"Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets," Michael states matter-of-factly. "Five sons of the devil, but one throne that needs an ass to polish it." He and Lucius exchange glares, both their eyes going black for Michael and red for Lucius. "Wonder who'll win?"

Adam looks to them both, annoyed. "No one's fighting for anything."

Both Lucius and Michael turn to Adam, who holds on to Jack and Dog tighter.

"I want to go home."

Jack nods. "Adam's right. Let's all go home."

Lucius starts the car and leaves the parking garage, turning on the radio to get a LITERAL SHOCK.

"Michael, that was rude."

Jack and Michael glare at each other as Lucius gets the news bulletin that shocks him worse than what Michael gave him:

"We interrupt this broadcast to give you incredible news! England and the southwestern states have miraculously been restored!"

Lucius and Michael both stare wide eyed at each other and the radio as Jack sighs and hugs Adam.

Back with Aziraphale, our angel friend has just arrived on the roof of the parking garage, where we find the angel waiting for him.

Or rather, FALLEN angel.

"I hope you don't intend on ruining this for them."

"After what that little brat did to the armageddon!?" Gabriel shouts. "Almost a millennium of preparation for nothing, but you and that demon to frolic around and watch that kid like a lamb, and you still call yourself an angel!?"

Aziraphale straightens himself and stares Gabriel in the eyes. "I'm more of angel than ypu, apparently."

Before Gabriel can snap back, Aziraphale continues.

"It is The Almighty's plan for them to be together. Throne or not, they will not leave each other."

Gabriel recomposes himself and glares at Aziraphale with narrow eyes. "You're really that sure?"

"Absolutely," Aziraphale replies with a nod.

Gabriel smirks and turns his heel. "We'll see about that."

Aziraphale watches Gabriel fly away with grey wings, as opposed to the white ones he used to have, and turns his head to watch Damien get in his own car and drive back to Lucius's house; his company heard a rumor and want him to investigate personally.

AND THAT'S IT FOR PART 2!!!!!

Tension, tension, tension already, am I right!?

I'll be back with Chapter/Episode 2 possibly sometime after the holidays, since we are leaving off on a pretty big note here.

I really hope you enjoyed Chapter/Episode 1, stay safe, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!!

[wheremytwinwatches]

[Where My Twin Watches]: Puella Magi Madoka Magica Episode 3

Last time, on PMMM- Uh, never mind then, we’re starting without a recap. Person in a (hospital?) bed, looking out a window? Yup, looks like a hospital hallway, Sayaka’s outside the door, seems nervous. Visiting someone?

She’s giving the guy a CD- oh, this must be from Ep 1’s music store. Which would make this guy *checks Ep 1 notes* Kamijo? I can’t tell from the lighting, but I think he has bluish hair. So is a relative of Sayaka, younger brother? Ooh, looks like a classical CD, nice taste. Kamijo thanks her for finding a rare CD. It’s even a soloist that he knows, nice touch! He offers an earbud so Sayaka can listen as well- are you blushing, Sayaka? Reconsidering my assumption of family connection. Confirmation that they are in a hospital so they can’t play over a speaker, he leans over and yeah this is definitely a crush on Sayaka’s part, blush and shimmery eyes and everything. Aw, this is sweet, listening to some nice calm music- memory? Little boy playing violin on a stage and dressed-up Sayaka in the audience. Oh, so if this is Kamijo playing then she saw him back then and they became friends later? Seriously digging this music. Wait, is Kamijo… crying? Oh. Oh no. Oh god damn it. Kamijo’s crying, his left hand is twitching and he has a bandage on his arm… Is he in the hospital from an accident or something, and his left arm got messed up? Can he not play anymore? That’s… that’s pretty heavy. Um, yeah. Sorry, that intro was a bit of a kick, the peppy song’s not really doing it for me right now. I mean, I’m way out of practice with my own playing, as as a trumpet player I use my right hand a lot more than my left, but… damn. Ahem. Let’s get back to the review, shall we? Mami! Corkscrew Hair is doing what she do, and obliterating another witch with ‘Tiro Finale’. And there is just something hilarious at seeing this blonde middle-schooler standing on top of a lamppost, easily balancing a massive gun twice her size with one hand. Sayaka and Madoka come out of cover to compliment her, Mami tries to remind them that fighitng witches is dangerous but come on Mami, you’re doing awesome right now. Think of how effective the team will be when the girls get their powers! Hey, that’s right Madoka, I didn’t see a Grief Seed this time. Ah, Kyubey explains it was just a familiar, and that’s going to be confusing seeing as I’ve been calling Kyubey a Familiar this whole time. Should I go back to using Rabbit-Thing, or is there another phrase that works better? Anyways, seems that Witches have familiars that don’t carry Grief Seeds. And the girls have only been fighting ‘duds’ lately, so no more powerups. Still, like Mami says, better to take out the minions so they don’t cause trouble. And wow yeah, if familiars can grow into full witches then you definitely want to take them out. Well, that’s one more eldritch creature dealt with, onwards! Mami’s asking if the girls have figured out their wishes, both say that they still aren’t sure. Oh yeah, why not ask what Mami wished for, maybe she has some insight. Wait, why did she stop? Oh come on, PMMM! A car crash?! First you smack me down with that depressing hospital scene, and now you’re telling me that Mami had to use her wish to not die?! Jebus. Well, at least Kyubey showed up in time to help, but dang that’s a missed opportunity. Still, Mami doesn’t regret it (understandable, as the alternative was dying, but Madoka and Sayaka have a chance to actually consider their wishes. Best that they take advantage of that. Wait. Wait wait wait. Car crash, end of last episode Mami saying she doesn’t have anyone to talk to, she lives on her own- oh what the hell. Mami’s an orphan? No. NO. Not cool, PMMM. Ok, we need flowers and chocolates and hugs for Mami stat. Get on it, commenters! After that depressing as hell realization, Sayaka- ooh, clarification on the wish, good for you Sayaka! More rules please. “If you make a wish, does it have to be for yourself?” Strictly hypothetical, of course. Yeah, you aren’t fooling Kyubey (or us), Sayaka. You want to help out Kamijo? Aw, that’s sweet. Kyubey confirms that the wish does not have to be for the contractee, and that there’s actually precedent for it. I’m trying to keep track of these Wish Rules, get an idea of what our characters will wish for; Wish Rules 1) The contract comes with one Wish 2) The Wish can grant “even the most impossible of miracles” 3) The Wish does not have to be used for/on the Contractee Anything I’ve missed so far? Huh, Mami is actually counseling against using the Wish on someone else. Although I’m not sure this caution about making doubly sure you know what you’re wishing for applies, it’s pretty clear that Kamijo wants to play music again. Oh. Um, yeah. Ok, that’s a good point. “Do you actually wish to grant his dream so that he will be grateful to you?” A bit harsh, but probably best that Mami’s brought it up. Right now the Wish has so many potentials, but once it’s used it’s gone for good. So then, how can we structure this Wish so we can help Kamijo and not have it be about Sayaka’s crush? Because yeah, I’m picturing a scenario where Sayaka’s trying to convince Kamijo that she healed him with the help of a magical talking Rabbit-Thing who’s totally right here, he’s just invisible to you. Commenters, when you’re done with Mami-hugs get on that too! But just as we settle on not rushing into the Wish, Kyubey pipes up about it being better for him if they decide sooner. Hey, I don’t know how you grant these Wishes, Rabbit-Thing, but I’m with Mami: they’ll decide on their own time, don’t pressure them. Back at Madoka’s home, she’s thinking over the Wish while Kyubey sits there, he seems to have relented on rushing their decision. Good for you, Kyubey. Hmm, he also can’t suggest wishes because it’s against the rules? 4) Kyubey cannot suggest a Wish Huh, but Madoka asks if just wishing to become a Magical Girl would work. And rather for power for its own sake, Madoka… or maybe it is for its own sake? Aw, Madoka’s doing the “I’m not smart or talented” thing that young Protagonists do. Wait, you’re comparing yourself to Mami? Madoka, don’t do that, Mami’s a full-fledged MG and you’re still a Muggle, of course you’re going to seem ‘lesser’ compared to that. Give it time! But this is an interesting view, the Protagonist simply wanting to be like someone she admires. Wait, “you’d be much more powerful than Mami”? We’re talking about the ‘kill witches with a single shot’ girl here, right, not some other Mami? But it depends on what kind of wish she makes? And he can’t tell how large of a Soul Gem Madoka would summon? Protagonist powers, ho! Yeah, “never met another girl with such enormous potential as you”. If this means that Madoka will be measurably stronger than Mami, then this is going to be amazing. Wait, interruption of ‘Super Special Protagonist Talk’ by Father, seems Mother is… drunk out of her mind. Wow, didn’t think she was a drinker, and based on Madoka’s reaction this is way too common. Character flaw, nice job on fleshing out Madoka’s family, PMMM! Now this is a lovely family; put the drunk Mother to bed, then the Father and Daughter enjoy a late-night hot chocolate. Futher characterization of the Mother as they discuss how she likes to try her best, and that emerges as a fearsome work drive. “While she may not be living a dream, they way she is living is ideal to her.” More philosophy! And good philosophy for an early Protagonist who’s uncertain about where her life will go with these magical discoveries.

Hey Mami, what’s up? Going hunting on your own tonight? Or just visiting a fountai- HOLY CRAP HOMURA. Where the hell did you come from? Oh, are you really trying the “you’re involving innocents in our dispute” gambit? You’re the one who threatened Madoka’s family, you do not get to try and claim moral high ground. And as Mami said, they’re MG potentials, they can see the danger. Ok, now you’re ticking me off, Homura. “You’re trying to lead them so that they want to be magical girls”? Lead nothing, it’s the smart move! They get powers, they get a Wish, and whatever danger a Witch poses is much better handled by three than one. And since you refuse to team up… Aha, Madoka was namedropped. So you can sense her Protagonist Potential like Kyubey? Oh, and Mami can sense it as well. Dang, the sound and lighting in this ‘conversation’ is top notch, as civil as it sounds you’re really getting the sense of two powerful magic users facing eachother down. ...wow, that was a blow, Mami. Calling out Homura for being afraid someone stronger than her will show up, saying that’s how a bullied child thinks. Yeah, Homura did not like that. Yeah, Mami is fed up with Homura’s attitude. “You don’t want to fight? Then make sure we don’t meet again.” Definitely getting more direct in the conversation, but given this girl threatened Madoka, tried to kill Kyubey, and has refused all offers of charity and partnership, there’s really nothing more that Mami can do. Yup, Homura’s pissed. She knows she’s weaker, doesn’t want to share, and only stands to fall further behind if things keep up. I’m worried she’s going to try something drastic. (See theory of her summoning Giant Winged Thing) The next day! Sayaka’s visiting the hospital again, or not? Ok, she went to try and visit Kamijo, but has just met up with Madoka and Kyubey in the waiting room, seems he was preoccupied. Well this is a hospital Sayaka, I’d think he has surgeries or whatnot to do occasionally. Why did you stop, Madoka? Oh crap that’s a Grief Seed. That’s a Grief Seed, at a hospital, and it’s about to hatch. This is the worst place one could show up- Wait. This really is the worst place one could show up. A hospital full of sick or injured people, including Sayaka’s friend/crush? Discovered just as it’s about to hatch by the two non-MGs? And it looks like it’s stuck in the pillar… Oh Homura you bitch. Is this really how low you will go, planting witches to try and scare off or remove the competition? That’s it, you are officially on my List. Ok, they need to get Mami here now, if not sooner. But… they don’t have Mami’s number? Ok, then can they use Kyubey to telepath her? No, seems they can’t do that. So Madoka will have to go find her (hopefully she’s at her apartment) while Sayaka stays behind. Sayaka that is a terrible idea, you aren’t prepared to face a labyrinth. Ah there we go! That’s better, have Kyubey stay with Sayaka so when Madoka and Mami get within telepath range they can stay in touch, if Sayaka ends up in the labyrinth. And if worst comes to worst, then Sayaka can ask a Wish and get her powers, better than being stuck in there on her own as a Muggle. Still, I hope that Mami gets here soon. Madoka’s off to find Mami, and ok guess the Seed is hatching now, Sayaka and Kyubey have vanished. And we’re in trippy Witch Land again! Huh, this one seems much more hospital themed than the last one. So the Labyrinth designs change based on the location? Cool! Sayaka and Kyubey are going into the labyrinth, and Kyubey’s suggesting what I did, that if she decided on a Wish then he could make her a Magical Girl. Well, unless there’s some time required for the contract to form, as long as they aren’t at immediate risk I’d motion for patience here, Mami should be here soon to take over. Oh hey, they’re at the Seed already. It hasn’t hatched? Oh, so the labyrinth forms first, then the Seed hatches. So they’ve got more time then. Sayaka’s showing patience as well, seems the earlier conversation on thinking over a Wish sunk in. Later, Mami and Madoka have shown up to the site, and they’ve opened up the gate and can contact Kyubey now. They’re ok for now, Sayaka even claims boredom. But since large amounts of magic could disturb the egg, Mami and Madoka are going to go on foot to catch up. Stealth over speed, got it. Back in Hospital Land (huh, I’m seeing a lot of cookies and cakes now, what’s with that?), Mami is guiding Madoka along, while admonishing Sayaka for taking such a risk. But she does admit it was a clear-headed call. Good to see that Sayaka is getting some tactical sense, always nice to see characters develop traits. Now they ca Homura. We don’t have time to deal with you, Dark Magical Girl. And you do not get to claim this “prey”, not when I know what you did! And like hell are we going to let you be alone with Kyubey and non-MG Sayaka. Yes, thank you Mami! Don’t waste any time, just detain her and move on. There’s a witch to go kill. “This witch is not like the others!” Gee, I wonder how you know that? Seriously, just shut up Homura, Mami has to go and clean up your mess. Ok, with the others keeping an eye on the Seed and Homura tied up, things should be calm enough for a conversation. Madoka’s taking the chance to discuss the Wish with Mami- oh, you’ve thought of one? But you’re worried that it might be naive, so you’ll run it by the MG. Good, that’s a safe call. Aw, Madoka’s giving her “I’m no used to anyone and have to bother others for help” deal. Madoka, you are stronger than you know, you’re the Protagonist. But it’s sweet that her concern is over not being able to help others- Ah, I think I know how to describe it now. It’s not “Power for its own sake”, it’s “Power for others' sakes.” Yes, good for you Madoka! That is the kind of unambiguous heroine we can all support. Madoka’s describing how she saw Mami fighting for others, and that she knew that was what she wanted. And given the possibility that she could do the same thing- Um. Mami does not look happy. So all Madoka wants is to become a Magical Girl, to have the power to help others. That is her Dream. Which kind of makes the Wish superfluous. And Mami just let go of her hand. Uh oh. Mami, please don’t dampen this, Precious Protagonist is Precious. Well, Mami is correct, having the powers is a burden, she’ll be at risk of injury and will have complications regarding a ‘normal’ life. But Madoka doesn’t mind, she thinks that highly of Mami! Mami. Mami no. You are absolutely worth looking up to. You fight to protect others. You’ve endured such hardship and still try to use your powers for good. You have saved lives. But I get it. You’re scared, you have no one to really talk to. You’ve been alone from the time of the crash to now. (Feels) Madoka: “But you’re not alone any more, Mami.” (Feeeeeels) Aw no, please don’t cry Mami, this is… this is… oh wow. Ok, I know that they’re on a mission, that Sayaka and Kyubey are waiting for them, that a hospital is at risk, but… this is adorable. This is sweet. Mami and Madoka talking right now… That’s it, I give in. I apologize to whom it may offend, but I ship it. Mami, who’s shown incredible power but has been alone all this time? Madoka, the uncertain Protagonist who will one day come into her own? I really like this, the two of them working together. (Don’t worry Sayaka, you’ve got your crush. Although I can see her poking fun at these two on future missions. Hee!) Ok, after the adorableness they’re setting back on track, but Madoka does still have a Wish, even if she ‘just’ wants to be a MG. Hah! That’s one way to make her think about it, give her until the witch is defeated or they’ll use it for a cake. To celebrate their becoming a magical girl duo! (Yeah, I ship this! No stopping this boat!) Whoops! I guess the witch finally got tired of waiting, the Seed is going to hatch! Time for subtlety is over, bring it on Creeps! Ok, now Mami’s just showing off, with all those dancing moves and twirling of rifles. Awesome, they caught up with Sayaka and Kyubey. Here comes the witch! … what. No seriously, what? That’s the witch? That’s a doll. Aaand Mami just knocked its chair out from under it. Oh, I get it. Newly-hatched witch, going to be weaker before it feeds. Looks like they got there just in time! Batter up! And the doll goes flying! Barely dodges a few shots before slumping to the ground, and Mami just executes it. Time for the finishing move? “Tiro Finale!” And the witch is Wait no, something just came out. A Clown Worm? Oh, so the witch has a second form. Ok, just wait what what just happened Um. The ribbons that were holding Homura just vanished. So… Mami released the spell, decided to let Homura fight the second stage with her? Why are you not WHAT

WHAT THE HELL Mami is being held from the top of the screen, she’s twitching, her uniform just dispelled and she just fell down. Mami fell down and the worm is… the worm is eating I can hear it eating Madoka. Madoka and Sayaka don’t look just get out run run now Yes, thank you Kyubey! Make the contract now, you have to do it! Stop watching and make the damn contract oh hell the worm is looking up, it sees them. Homura. Homura just… do something, don’t It just ate Homura. I don’t know, what the hell. Wait, it missed? It keeps on missing, or she’s just barely dodging. And now the worm is exploding? Whatever Homura’s doing the worm is getting hit, and I think the worm is finally down. But now she’s walking towards the girls. There was a clink. The witch’s Grief Seed just fell and shattered a teacup. Mami. “Burn this sight into your minds. This is what it means to be a magical girl.” The labyrinth is collapsing, the four are back at the hospital. Homura, you NO Put that Seed down, Homura! Mami died for it, you do not get to swoop in and and No fuck that you do not get to have that Seed just because you’re a Magical Girl. You don’t Homura’s gone. Kyubey is sitting there. Sayaka and Madoka are crying. I… Uh, the credits are here, and the song changed? I… I think this is the same music from the Dream. Staticky Madoka is walking along past other staticky forms That’s Mami. That’s Mami’s silhouette. The episode end still has the flute music and an picture of Madoka in her uniform and Kyubey. “Mami… was truly a kind-hearted person. To make us really understand what kind of resolve we’d need in order to fight...she...Miracles and Magic are real.” ...I’m going to take some time to process this. I will try to be more coherent later.

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Laura’s One-Shot (October 30, 2018)

(These recaps are now also available at CritRoleStats.com.)

Tonight’s guests are Laura Bailey, Travis Willingham, and a particularly adorable special guest:

Announcements: 

BtS featuring Matt Mercer is now available on the Twitch channel and will be up on CR’s YouTube live tomorrow.

There will be a holiday edition of BtS featuring Ashley Johnson! Brian: “I can’t wait. I’ve got a lot of questions for her.”

The next episode of All Work No Play airs this Friday on the CR Twitch. This week, Liam and Sam learn how to spin fire, with guest star Marisha Ray.

Remember that Daylight Savings hits the US this week: check wheniscriticalrole.com if you’re confused! (...about time zones. They probably can’t help you with other things.)

@critrolestats for this week’s episode: 

Andy dealt the most damage (158) and took the most damage (56). Andy also had the most kills with 6.

There were at least 36 unique references to the Schmarry Schmotter series.

First, this is happening (yes, it’s Matt’s robe):

Laura got the idea of setting the one-shot in the Harry Potter universe because Travis always has the movies on. “I am quite familiar with it.” She kept talking about how she had her whole one-shot planned, but all she had for a long time was “Schmarry Schmotter and the Breakfast Club.”

Travis was a Very Big Fan of this idea: “I was pretty happy. I was pretty excited. Mostly because I got to wear Smytherpin colors and hold wands.” Laura had to get Travis to agree ahead of time not to attack the other students.

Laura picked the classes for everybody, but let everyone choose which archetype they could be. (She didn’t tell them ahead of time that they were doing Breakfast Club.) Taliesin claimed “jock” instantly.

Out of character, Travis and Dani are Slytherins, Laura and Brian are Hufflepuffs, and together they decide that Matt’s a Hufflepuff, Marisha’s a Gryffindor, Liam’s a Ravenclaw, Taliesin’s a Slytherin, and Sam’s... maybe a Slytherin?

Gif of the Week: Travis assessing Brian’s wand.

Sully is here!

The only person who had the full costume was Taliesin. Travis: “I brought part of mine, thank you very much.” (the wand and bandanna)

Laura: “I feel like this is already After Dark.” Brian: “This is a nightmare. It’s a Halloween disaster.”

They could have avoided the first encounter by just not opening the cage. Laura: “I thought Travis would understand that they were what they were.” (they were doxies) She thought they were going to be good students and trap them instead of attacking them. Travis: “Fuck that noise.” Brian: “That never occurred to me once.” She had the tapestries on the wall to bring them down on them. There was also a glass bell jar that could’ve trapped them. Nobody really investigated the room.

Fanart of the Week: lightning!

Brian: “Rules for the contest on our website. What’s our website, guys?” Laura and Travis just stare in suddenly terrified silence. Brian: “Guys...”

Laura came up with the chess/D&D combo because she always has that chessboard on their living room table, ready to go. “Mostly it was because I wanted to bring something from the movies in so I could see Travis’s face when I did it.” She also thought it would be funny to get Sam’s reaction in particular when he thought they’d have to play a whole game of chess. All of the chess pieces had stat blocks modified from animated armor.

Laura’s experience with DMing has given her a perspective into the options that players rarely take advantage of; she thinks it might lead her to be a little more creative in combat.

Travis gets asked if he’ll ever try playing a Sorcerer in a campaign someday. “FUCK no!” He did enjoy having access to more spells.

Liam was playing an undocumented animagus, so Laura wanted his transformation into Wild Shape to be a secret.

Travis wants to do an NFL-themed D&D one-shot. “Listen, it’s not my job to come up with how I would do it...”

Everyone was level 5 in D&D (playing 4th-year wizards in-universe). It was also set in modern times.

There was originally going to be an encounter with Peeves/Skeeves the poltergeist, but Laura had to shift it for time constraints.

Which animagus forms would they be? Travis: A wolf. “Oh. A werewolf. That’s not original.” Laura: A mouse. “But like a cute one. With really big ears.” Brian: A dolphin.

Talks Machina: Turnt or Treat

Could’ve been Son of Aragrog. Opportunity missed.

Sam looked up the script of Breakfast Club to be able to say a relevant line for his character at the start.

Travis did the mocap for Stan Lee in Spider-Man. He doesn’t remember doing it at all until Laura walks him through it. “That made it into the game? Oh shit. Fuck.”

What would their 80s theme songs be? Laura: Take On Me. Travis: The Final Countdown. Brian: Silent Running.

Would Dani ever consider running a one-shot? Dani: *laughs* “No.” She’d play in one, though.

Brian will at some point be running a one-shot set in the small town that his favorite TV show is in: Deadwood.

[junker-town]

Western Illinois, Year 20, 2026-2027

The Western Illinois Leathernecks begin Year 20 in our simulated dynasty in College Hoops 2K8.

Welcome back to our simulated dynasty with the Western Illinois Leathernecks in College Hoops 2K8. You can find a full explanation of this project + spoiler-free links to previous seasons here. Check out the introduction to this series from early April for full context. As a reminder, I simulate every game in this series (even the ones we watch on Twitch) and only handle the recruiting and coaching strategies.

Before we start Year 20 of Coach Rick’s tenure at Western Illinois, here’s a recap of everything that has happened last season:

Coming off three straight seasons that ended in the Elite Eight, the Leathernecks enter the new year with two returning starters and a team rated as a 97 overall. We went 6-6 against a difficult non-conference schedule before going undefeated in conference and again claiming the Summit League tournament championship. We enter the NCAA tournament as a No. 12 seed at 26-6 on the season.

We faced No. 5 seed Cal in the first round of the NCAA tournament. We lost, 90-87, when our potential game-tying three at the buzzer fell short. Read the tournament + offseason recap here.

We landed three new players on the recruiting trail.

Western Illinois, Year 20, 2026-2027

Here’s a look at our roster coming into Year 20:

It feels like a new era at Western Illinois with only two returning starters and just one senior on the roster. This squad might not have the experience we’d ideally prefer — reflected in the game’s ‘team unity’ ranking — but we do have size and shooting at every position with some emerging young depth on the bench. If nothing else, I’m hoping we can set the table for an even better season a year from now depending on few NBA draft decisions.

Let’s run through the starters real quick. As something new this year, click on the names for a link to their player cards with full ratings.

PG Tron Whaley, redshirt junior, 87 overall: Tron enters the starting lineup for the first time as a junior after being a key piece off the bench last season. He’s grown two inches to 6’4 since committing and now looks like a steady lead guard with size and shooting ability. Has a 86-rating in three-point shooting, which is tops on the team. Former No. 128 overall recruit with C+ potential.

SG Mathew Alloway, redshirt freshman, 82 overall: The former Mr. Basketball out of Minnesota becomes the rare freshman starter for the Leathernecks. The 6’6 shooting guard doesn’t have a signature skill yet, but looks solid across the board. Rated as a 94 in speed and a 78 in three-point shooting. Former No. 31 overall recruit with B- potential.

SF Wilky Henry, redshirt senior, 93 overall: Henry needs to be a superstar this year for this team to play up to its potential. I think he can get there. Moving back to his natural position of small forward after starting at shooting guard last season, Henry is a massive 6’8, 242 pound wing who can shoot from three, rise above the rim for monster dunks, and handle the ball like a guard. We need him to be our go-to scorer on the perimeter. Former No. 80 overall recruit with C+ potential.

PF Allan Cunningham, redshirt junior, 89 overall: Cunningham is already on his way to becoming one of the most beloved players in program history. A standout in NCAA tournament games since his freshman season, ‘Ham’ is preposterously large (6’11, 289 pounds) with a refined skill set that includes legitimate three-point range. He’s a skilled inside scorer and rebounder while having an A grade in three-point shooting and an A- grade in speed. He should be a stud this year. Former No. 67 recruit with C+ potential. Projected first round pick.

C Pat Giddens, redshirt junior, 91 overall: Giddens is tied for the best potential rating in program history, per reader Evan’s Leathernecks Recruiting Database. This is his big chance to translate that potential into production on the court. Giddens moves into the starting lineup after being sixth man last season. He’s a bit short for a center at 6’9. but he’s impossibly strong at 290 pounds. Him and Ham up front is a supersized front court we’re hoping will be a great advantage for us all season. Former No. 115 overall recruit. Projected lottery pick.

There was some thought given to starting Henry at shooting guard again (where he goes down one point) to get sophomore Wilbur Ager in the starting lineup, but we prefer putting Henry at his best position, throwing Alloway into the fire, and letting Ager be one of the the better bench players in the country.

We’re going with a nine-man rotation this season: Ager and freshman center Kevin Brazzle will each get about 15 minutes per game, while freshman point guard Jamie Burke and freshman power forward LF Neal each get about 10 minutes per game. That means junior guard Vitor Andrisevic (79 overall) is out of the rotation. He will go down as the biggest recruiting bust in program history.

We also welcome three new incoming recruits to the team. All of them will redshirt.

PG Koko Reeves out of San Antonio, No. 52 overall recruit: 73 overall, C potential. Reeves is the smallest recruit we’ve ever had, but he’s already grown an inch to 5’11 since committing. His C potential grade is disappointing, but he looks like an absolutely elite shooter, already rated as an 82 from three-point range.

SF Jitim Dupre out of Chicago, No. 91 overall recruit: 76 overall, C+ potential. Dupre is a tall, lanky wing at 6’9. He’s a bit disappointing as a three-point shooter with a 72 rating.

C Artie Snipes out of Riverside, No. 177 overall recruit (No. 10 center): 75 overall, B+ potential. The 6’11 center is the heaviest recruit we’ve ever had at 282 pounds. Looks like he’s going to be another outstanding big man for the Leathernecks.

Recruiting

We only have one scholarship to recruit for this year. I want to hit the JUCO market to find a five-star shooting guard or power forward to join timeline of last year’s three-man class. I use my first two visits on these players:

6’2 shooting guard Edwin Wolfe out of Federal Way, WA

6’4 shooting guard V.J. Roberts out of Chicago

JUCO recruits aren’t numerically ranked and don’t have AAU stats, but Wolfe is the top shooting guard among JUCO players when the class is sorted by recruiting stars, so we offer him the scholarship.

Also we have to create a player for the winner of last season’s bracket contest, Isaac Springer. I asked Isaac to give me some details the player he wanted to create, and this is what he hit me with:

I actually had a small idea if I won: would it be possible to create Jon Bois instead? I’m not a huge college basketball fan (or much of a basketball fan in general), so I don’t really know anything about stats or positions or what’s good. But Jon is my favorite content creator online, and he’s what’s helped me find SB Nation and all of the great work that everyone is doing there. I think it’d be fun to introduce him into the Leathernecks universe.

Say no more, my man. Jon Bois, five-star shooting out of Louisville, is officially in the Leathernecks Universe. We’ll follow Jon’s recruitment and his career wherever he ends up. As a reminder, we don’t go after created players at Western Illinois to preserve the integrity of the game.

Finally, it’s time to begin the season. We start the year unranked in the polls and rated as a 96 overall. Let’s go!

First game: @ Illinois

I’ve had this game circled on my calendar since the Illini shocked us in the opener last season. We run this state, and we’ve proven it multiple times in the last decade. It’s time to issue the Illini an emphatic reminder of that.

Loss, 83-62. Oh my god. The Illini smacked us from the opening tip-off and there was nothing we could do to recover. That is not how we wanted to start the season. Ager had a good game and pretty much everyone else struggled.

Next up we have Georgetown. The Hoyas are rated as a 91 overall.

Win, 76-50. There we go. Look at Cunningham ball out with 23 points and six rebounds on 3-of-4 shooting from three-point range. That’s why this man is an icon. Read our beat writer Matthew Morrow on what makes Cunningham so special. I’m gonna need my guards to do better than shoot 1-of-13 from the floor, but thankfully it’s a long season and they should improve along the way.

As I sim to the next week, I noticed that my backup option on the recruiting trail V.J. Roberts really likes us. If he commits by the early signing period, we’d get a coaching point for landing our first five-star recruit in season. I decide to pull the scholarship from Wolfe and give it to Roberts. If he doesn’t accept it, I will probably re-offer Wolfe, assuming he doesn’t hate me now.

Next game is against Louisville, who enters at No. 1 in the polls. We decided to watch this game on the Twitch stream. The Cards enter at a 96 overall. The game will begin when you press play:

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***

Loss, 111-105. Damn, we almost had them. I feel a lot better about my team after watching them go toe-to-toe with No. 1 in the country on the road. My freshman shooting guard Mathew Alloway looked terrific offensively, finishing with 24 points on 1-of-18 shooting. He also picked up a nickname on the Twitch stream: All Day. Let’s just decide not to talk about his defense. Cunningham was again phenomenal, Wilky Henry was solid, and we found a new breakout player in backup center Kevin Brazzle. He’s huge at 7’1 and was immediately more effective than our starter Giddens, who got into early foul trouble.

Our defense was just terrible all around. Louisville shot 50 percent from the field and 43 percent from three. They also forced us into 18 turnovers with their press. We’re going to need to close-out on shooters and take care of the ball if we want to make a deep run.

As the early signing period begins, we have a rematch with Cal, who knocked us out of the NCAA tournament in the first round last year. I’ll take one hot serving of revenge, please.

Win, 91-63. Eat it, Bears. Cunningham carried us like always with 20 points, Henry puts up a 9-9-9 line in a game where he shoots 2-for-11, Tron goes 5-for-5 from deep to score 18 points, which I believe is a career-high. Hell yeah. We’re 2-2- on the year.

We have our two early conference games on the final week of the early signing period. We blowout both UMKC and IUPUI to make us 4-2 on the year. Unfortunately, we don’t land the commitment we were looking for from Roberts. Since Wolfe appears to be the higher rated prospect and still doesn’t have any other suitors, we pull the scholarship from Roberts and re-offer Wolfe.

In other news, Jon Bois commits to Dayton!

Next up we have Stanford. The Cardinal are 3-4 on the year and enter as an 87 overall.

Loss, 77-75. Woof. Giddens and Henry played well, but that’s a team we should beat. It’s tough to get an at-large bid in the Summit League when you’re losing to likely non-tournament teams like Illinois and Stanford, so we’re probably going to need to win the conference tournament again to punch our ticket.

We have a tough week coming up, too: we travel to face Michigan and Duke in true road games.

The Wolverines are No. 17 in the polls and the defending national champions. Can we get back on track?

Loss, 86-74. Ugh. My center Giddens only playing seven minutes because of foul trouble wasn’t ideal, and neither was his backup Brazzle also getting into foul trouble. Great game from Henry with 23 points — we need more of that. It’s become apparent that this team isn’t as good defensively as we typically are.

Alright, Duke time. The Blue Devils are ranked No. 9 in the polls entering the game.

Loss, 99-60. Zero combined points from my backcourt seems less than great. This regular season is not going how I had hoped.

Next up we have Dayton, who enter at No. 11 in the country. The Flyers are led by Matt Boswell, the player we ever created for the first ever winner of our bracket contest. Dayton has not made the tournament yet since Boswell’s arrival, but it looks like they’re going to do it this year. This would be a nice win if we can get it.

Loss, 74-60. Boswell with 14 points in the win. We have left ourselves zero margin for error in the conference tournament.

We only have one more non-conference game left: @ Vanderbilt. The Commodores are led by one-time Leathernecks recruiting target Stane’s Hobson, who is a 93 overall as a senior point guard.

Win, 106-102! Hell yeah. We really needed that heading into conference play. Cunningham killed it (23 points on 9-of-14 shooting), Tron Whaley is turning into a dynamic point guard (18 points, six assists), and Brazzle gave us a nice lift off the bench with 10 points. I love the three-point shooting and the assists. Let’s keep it going to finish out the year strong.

It is now time for Summit League play. We have gone undefeated in the Summit the last two seasons. Can we do it again?

Yup. We finish off the perfect slate in conference play to enter the conference tournament at 21-6. Here’s a look at the end-of-season stats:

Great year for Cunningham. He’s just so damn good; the fact that he’s our primary option on offense is the thing that has me feeling optimistic about our tournament chances. Having four starters finish in the teens in scoring average feels pretty good, too. I also have to note our three-point shooting numbers were through the roof this year. Here’s what we did from deep:

Tron Whaley: 47 percent on 117 attempts

Wilky Henry: 40.3 percent on 114 attempts

Allan Cunningham: 47.2 percent on 74 attempts

Mathew Alloway: 50.7 percent on 63 attempts

I wish there was a way I could tell my team to shoot more threes. Getting up enough 3PAs is going to be a big key going into the postseason.

But first, we have to win the Summit League conference tournament again. We again enter the field as the top seed. As I’ve noted, I really don’t think we’ll have enough juice to get an at-large bid after our shaky non-conference schedule. We can’t have a letdown here.

Summit League tournament

First game is against Oral Roberts. They enter at 7-22 on the season.

Win, 123-62. Henry scores 24, Giddens scores 22, and Cunningham scores 20. We hit 12-of-19 threes in this game, too. We have UMKC next.

Win, 81-61. Henry plays arguably his best game of the season, finishing with 28 points on 12-of-17 shooting in the win. We out-rebounded them 36-19. Seems good. Now we have Fort Wayne in the title game. Why am I so nervous about this?

Win, 86-52! Tron just crushes it with 26 points, seven assists, and 6-of-8 shooting from three. Ham put in work like always, too. I am more relieved than excited — but hell yes, we’re going dancing again. I’m hoping for a single-digit seed, but I doubt our resume was good enough for it.

2027 NCAA tournament

We’re a No. 12 seed against No. 5 seed Minnesota in the first round. Wow. We haven’t faced the Golden Gophers in this simulation before, so that should be fun.

Here’s a look at our roster heading into the tournament:

It’s going to be Wilky and Cunningham leading the way. We just need Alloway to not actively hurt as our lowest rated starter in years as an 85 overall. For the record, I liked what he showed in the Louisville game and I’m super optimistic about his future. We also need Giddens to finally play up to his rating, especially as a projected lottery pick and what appears to be the highest rated junior in the country.

Here’s a link to the Minnesota roster. The Golden Gophers enter the game as a 98 overall — just like us. Here’s how the two teams matchup:

This is going to be a really tough test for a first round game. We’re going to watch the simulated game together on Sunday, Aug. 16 at 8:30 p.m. ET on Twitch. We’ll talk about that more in a second. But first, let’s get to this year’s bracket contest.

2027 NCAA tournament bracket contest

We’ve been running a bracket contest for the last few seasons, and it’s been a ton of fun. We’re opening it up to anyone who wants to enter as long as you turn in your bracket before we stream our first NCAA tournament game on Sunday, Aug. 16 at 8:30 p.m. ET on Twitch.

This is everything you need to know:

How does scoring work?

We use a standard scoring format. You get one point for correctly guessing the winner in a first round game, two points for correctly a winner in a round of 32 game, four points for correctly guessing a winner in a Sweet 16 game, eight points for correctly guessing a winner in an Elite Eight game, 16 points for correctly guessing a winner in the Final Four, and 32 points for correctly guessing the national champion.

Can I see the rosters for the other teams?

Yes. You can find the rosters for every team on the right side of the bracket in the East and West regionals here. You can find the rosters for every team on the left side of the bracket for the South and Midwest regionals here. Just arrow over to scroll through the rosters.

How do I enter?

1. Click this link to open the interactive bracket.

2. After opening, in the top left select File > Make a Copy

3. Make your picks

4. In the top left, select File and either “Share” and share with sean@hoopsinsight.com or “Email as attachment” and email as an Excel file (not PDF please!) to sean@hoopsinsight.com

Once your picks are entered, you can track scoring with Sean’s Blog Team app that works on desktop and mobile.

What does the winner get?

The winner gets to create themselves or a character as a five-star recruit ahead of next season. We won’t go after the created recruits at Western Illinois to preserve the integrity of the game, but we’ll follow the career of your character throughout our series.

Readers David, Matt, and Josh made an NCAA tournament preview show

I love the Leatherneck community so much. Please watch David, Matt, and Josh breakdown this year’s team and the entire NCAA tournament bracket in a 25-minute selection show.

This is the best.

The old clips got me choked up a little bit. Amazing work by them.

You might have noticed Boswell and the Dayton Flyers would likely be our opponent if we can reach the Sweet 16. I would love nothing more than to make it happen. Especially after Boswell said he would drop a cool 28 points on Giddens on the bracket show.

We need to win two games on Sunday night first, though. Here’s how you can watch Western Illinois in the 2027 NCAA tournament.

How to watch Western Illinois vs. Minnesota in the first round of the 2027 NCAA tournament

Game: No. 12 seed Western Illinois vs. No. 5 seed Minnesota, first round, 2027 NCAA tournament

How to watch: My Twitch channel. You don’t need to sign up for anything to watch, but you do need to register for an account to comment. Do it, it’s fun.

Date: Sunday, Aug. 16

Tip-off time: 8:30 p.m. ET

If we win: We’ll face the winner of No. 4 seed Ole Miss vs. No. 13 seed Yale in the round of 32 immediately following the first round game.

Here a couple bonus links:

Join the Leathernecks Subreddit started by reader Evan.

Reader Thanh Nguyen in Japan wrote a fan-fiction e-book on the first eight seasons of Leathernecks basketball under Coach Rick. Spoilers ahead, but this is absolutely incredible and I highly recommend buying it.

We now have a fan-started Leathernecks Twitter account. There will be spoilers on there from the Twitch stream before the recap post goes out.

Come hang out and watch our Leathernecks take on Minnesota in the NCAA tournament on Sunday, Aug. 16 at 8:30 p.m. ET on Twitch. Thank you and go ‘Necks.

[mittel-schmerz-blog]

rad \m/

“We’ve determined that, really, the best way to move forward is--”

And the droning.

I look down at my shoes under the table: chunky black heels with a sharp toe perfect for scratching the blisters on my ankles. I track the hem of my dress, making sure it’s laying flat. I glance down at my left wrist, the slim watch, turning it slightly so that its curved, thin-glassed face is centered there.

I rapidly uncap and recap my pen, listening to the men in front of me bloviate on the same middling ideas they’ve been having for thirty years.

“So, essentially--”

And more droning.

Clucking my tongue reflexively, I roll my eyes around the room and count no fewer than six exasperated expressions. I’m not alone when I look at my watch again. The ever-presenting men at the front of the room proceed undaunted.

They don't realize it, but they’re hopelessly unpersuasive. Meetings like this, thick with silent disdain and discord, make me anxious.

I am powerfully compelled to fixate on details and allow myself to do so frequently. Constantly, really. Because I essentially exist in minutiae, the negligible negativities in everyday interactions hit hard.

I cannot handle the corner-lip-dip of disagreement. I know that a twitch does not indicate the first sign of a looming hatred; a face just drops when it disagrees. Intellectually, I understand this. And still, everyone in this room is frowning and I am feeling a simmering discomfort.

Basically: while I wish this boredom were benign, it is also accompanied by an indistinct sense of mortal dread.  

When I sense dissent, I change course quickly. Everyone is on board with my ideas by the end of a meeting. I am damn good; I can’t bear not to be.

But I cannot change the course of someone else’s presentation. I can fidget and I can imagine how they’re going to get torn apart in fourteen minutes during the debrief.

The five Mikes and I are convening at 3:30 PM sharp to rehash this abortion.

The smug superiority I’m feeling over the impotence of these men is one of the meaner strategies I use to cope with the aforementioned angst. I am the cat who ate the canary. But still, the fidgeting.

“Well...”

Mike #4, Punctual Mike, is interrupting the rant.

Even as I sit here in a fog of “strategies” and self-satisfaction, I am aware that the energy in the room is shifting. The five Mikes, the two Daves, and the three Bobs have all arrived, late, at my level of restlessness.

I will need to play good cop in short order. We need to communicate a firm no that feels like a soft yes. I’m the best at redirection, so this task usually falls to me. But today I’m feeling itchy.

The watch fiddling, the skirt twisting, the ankle scratching, the pen capping and uncapping. Click click click.

Silence.

I always worry that the constant motion is distracting but no one ever seems to notice it. At least, they’ve never said anything about it.

“Nat? What do you think?”

...

I look down at my toes, wiggling along with the commercial jingle playing softly on the radio in the other room and remember where I am. I try to process what I just, theoretically, heard him say. Because I didn’t really hear him, though, I decide to hedge my bets.

I say, “What are you trying to say, exactly?”

He looks at me and I realize that that thing is happening where he is an exceptional human being and I am being remarkably unexceptional by comparison.

He is always doing right things like: insisting we practice something called “Radical Mutual Affirmation” in addition to attending weekly boxing classes. Lou is an ex-yogi engaged in a lifelong search for something more primal. I am less than convinced of the value of literally fighting one another as a communication strategy.

He thinks it will help me learn to let things go. I think he’s just trying to tire me out.

I am always doing wrong things like: not being fully present in my day-to-day life and then instinctively defending myself against attacks that haven’t been made against me.

And the arguing.

He often wonders aloud, “I don’t know how you manage to make every molehill into a mountain and every mountain into Everest.” Even after knowing me for so long, he does not know that my capacity for fretting is infinite. I will never evolve so much that I forget the simple truth that there is always more to consider.

“I was saying, Natalie, that even though I don’t understand it, I kind of admire the way you care so much about everything; you are so deeply sensitive and thoughtful,” he repeats.

This time there’s definitely an edge to his voice that implies that I am being deeply sensitive and thoughtful at the worst possible moment. I cannot help but tune out when he tells me, again, that I’m perfect and should expend less energy on unproductive things like “self deprecating flights of fancy”. He would prefer it if, instead, I opted for fifteen minutes on the speed bag he installed in my bathroom for me last week.

Just because it’s in my house doesn’t mean I’m going to use it-- I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just buy me a stress ball. You can’t leave a conversation to “punch something in the other room real quick.”

So now I’m debating whether I should acknowledge that I wasn’t listening to him because I’m still reeling from a particularly heinous meeting or if it would be less destructive to tell him that I just misheard him and apologize. He did sort of mumble.

Especially when we are capital-T-Talking, I am supposed to be outside of my own head, but for me that is sometimes quite a captial-T-Tall order. If I tell him that I was, once again, somewhere else, it might just be the last thing I say to him. He thinks he is emotionally intelligent and he is, but not really.   

He’s understanding, but not enlightened. He’ll be angry if I tell him the truth.

“Sorry, I misheard you. I’m… I’m, glad you see it that way.”

He looks at me like he does sometimes and it makes me feel good even though I am not being honest.

The clock on the wall in the kitchen ticks on, finally.

...

“Well, I should probably go,” he says, pushing himself off of my lap.

I look at this person that I like so much and think he doesn’t know me at all. To be fair, maybe I don’t know him either. Maybe it’s the RMA, but I feel like all we do is talk at each other. Still, every once in awhile he says something I don’t expect and I feel like we really get each other.

But the relationship, on the whole, feels sparse and underdeveloped. All he wants me to be is my best self. And it feels like a churning, low-grade disapproval.

He says things like, “Natalie. You’re perfect. And you shouldn’t need me to tell you that the woman who called to conduct the survey on Cable Service Provider Satisfaction isn’t angry with you for hanging up on her. You’re brilliant.” But it always rings a little hollow.

I want him to find me fascinating but I think I just confuse him. We have all these fizzing, crackling conversations about the athlete-cum-intellectual-cum-fashion icon. But while he remembers Russell Westbrook as a frenetic basketball player with a fierce smirk; he thinks that I’m overstating it just a bit when I say that I remember him as a “revolutionary athletic genius”.

He remembers more stats than I do but he doesn’t care as much.

I don’t think he likes me as much as he likes trying to figure me out. Whatever the reason, for the last seven months we’ve been dating and even though it’s been highly unusual it’s been exhilarating.

But now, tonight, he’s quiet. Now, he is looking through me as I ask him, again, if he can’t stay.

I am desperate for him not to leave, to stay here talking to me for hours even if he’s just being nice to me as a matter of daily practice. I feel a creeping unease in the impending emptiness of the house.

The moment he leaves I will turn on talk radio.

“No.”

Turning around to face me, he looks at me as if I’m modestly amusing.

I say, tentatively, “It was great to see you today. I missed you.”

“Yeah, it was. We should watch the Grizz play on Wednesday.”

Sometimes when we watch basketball together he laughs and laughs and sometimes he gets quiet because I get too sucked in. But he always humors me as I parse every foul for subtext.

Sometimes I think I could stay with him forever, punching my way to a new me.

“Yeah! They’re playing the Bulls right?” I ask, adjusting my dress.

“Yeah.”

When Wednesday comes, he will not remember having asked me; he just needs something to say that will let him walk out my door. I imagine when he leaves he will feel an as yet inexplicable sense of relief. He is learning to be sensitive but is naturally impatient.

I get up from the couch to walk him out. Stretching, I glance at the digital clock on my cable box and wonder what will be on NPR at 9:58 PM.

As we’re walking out of the living room and towards the foyer, I feel my bare feet swish across the carpet.

Straddling the doorway, he says, “Just FYI, your skirt is caught in your underwear.” And laughs.