#i think theres a lot i could fix but Nah haha post it now or never

[luckykero]

the guys

[surviving---not---living]

What the fuck do I do?...

**tw emotional/physical abuse mentions**

posted this on reddit with different ages and such so he wont find it but he doesnt use tumblr so I wanted to post here to see if yall had some suggestions as well any help would be greatly appreciated or to just know someone read would also be enough... with that said I'll paste the post.

to start I'm 23f and the fiance is 38m

I have an idea of what i should do i just sincerely dont want to i dont want to leave him homeless and without money or a job...

but the last few months have me scared and confused...

(during arguments he let's me write down what's happening when I hear something that stands out to me in Hope's itll help me fix my behaviour i got from my parents so ive been able to write down exact wording on some things said) theres just so much going on...

to preface this hes never been physically abusive to me and thankfully it's not there yet. in his defense though i was raised very incorrectly due to shit parents and I have a lot of mental issues that cause self sabotage, delusional thinking- meaning If I personally believe something it usually takes a small war to get my mind to recognize im actually wrong, as well as terrible memory so if I do acknowledge I've done something wrong more often than not my head forgets what happened or what i even did wrong if anything and the next time it inevitably happens again I have no information to pull from to tell me what I did was wrong or why. so basically I'm kind of a fuck up, I'm doing my best to fix my shit but yeah my fiance has been dealing with all of that for 4 years now.

(*some minorly important issues

•he's been interrupting me not letting me finish what I'm saying and just outright changing the topic since we first got together, although wrong of me I started doing that as well because i saw no other way to be able to speak to him except even when I'm doing the exact same shit hes doing it seems like hes the only allowed to be upset.

•we were in an open relationship except he didnt follow the rules we agreed to one time and that broke my trust I had for him. we said no coworkers, we said only people we were both interested in we said no one that's taken and yet all of those got broken over an ugly bitch. and I still get shit for bringing it up to this day.

•he said that until I start prefacing all of my conversations with him he wont count any attempt I've made at talking to him about my problems. so basically everything I've tried talking to him about doesnt fucking matter and it doesnt fucking count. not even when I tried telling him 3 separate times I'm feeling suicidal to top it off everytime i mentioned it, it ended in an argument.

•he told me he got suicidal thoughts for the first time in 10 years due to me and honestly I didnt know how to fucking respond to that. it made me sad yeah but where was the care I needed when I brought up the same thing? where was his give a fuck hes supposed to show if he actually cares about me??

•he says he interrupts me because what I have to say is either false, not grounded in reality, or they're excuses. except he has little to no way of knowing any of that is true unless he hears me all the way out I could be agreeing with him and he still interrupts and gets pissed.

•I believe hes a hypocrite but he says nah hes only doing this because I'm doing bad.

•hes said multiple times that i wont see any improvement in him until he sees I've got my shit together. even though hes the one that caused the first problems in this relationship I'm supposed to be the first one to fix my shit? instead of both of us working on our shit together??? and when I ask those questions he responds with yes you are supposed to be the first one to fix your shit because I'm at the end of my rope and I wont take this anymore.)

but on to why I've been scared. this person told me he used to be abusive with an equally abusive ex for many reasons and after splitting up he vowed to never do that again and never end up like they did.

fast forward to our relationship and well a few months ago he told me he wanted to hit me and made it a point to say he wasnt going to but he really wanted to.

he said that because we were both in my car and he wanted to leave with the car except I wasnt going to get out of MY car so he started yelling, i got scared and left later on he told me that was the first time hes ever wanted to hit me and I should think about what it is I did to get him to that point. after that I left it alone for a month because things got a bit better and then came the next time he said he wanted to hit me. now I dont remember the reason for him saying it the second time but I wasnt going to let that slip as easily as the first so I spoke up about it and what he had to say about me telling him it made me scared of him to know he wanted to hit me was " well if you Weren't a coward, normally when someone says they want to hit you it's a signal that you're doing something so wrong that they want to hit you." and me knowing him i knew this was one of those times he just wasnt going to budge.

so on to the next argument.

he told me I'm the one who thrust those thoughts into him, that I'm the reason they ever came to be, I'm why the exist in the first place. and he doesnt seem to understand when I say that no I'm not the reason your head wants to hurt me they exist there because of your last relationship letting that be an option. he also said he keeps the option of abuse in his head with a line in front of it to remind him to never pass that line and he doesn't understand that keeping that idea in his head at all is not a good thing because now the option is available whether you want to take it or not and

he. just. kept. arguing. and defending.

now on to the last argument.

he says he wants me to stop putting him in a position to do all the thinking and decision making for me, when I've asked him multiple times to stop doing that because I want to do shit for myself and all he keeps saying is show me that you can actually think for yourself and I'll stop needing to do that. like motherfucker at least give me the time to make decisions or thoughts.

I know it's not his fault that I take longer to process things but he knows this fact and keeps expecting me to already have a response half a second later to something I'm barely registering 5 seconds after it happened and again yes I know its something I have to work on and I am but atm it's still an existing issue.

hes trying to call thinking for me and making decisions for me "a gift" (the exact context for him saying this wasnt written down as I was too upset at the audacity of that claim.)

he wants me to show overwhelming efforts to fix my fucked behavioral issues but the efforts I'm putting in atm dont matter to him and that hes hanging on a single thread hes no longer willing to take anything but Absolute compliance(yes he used the actual words absolute compliance) if he doesnt see me losing sleep to figure out and fix my shit he wont be convinced I'm trying. he ended that segment with him saying hes not using these words to control or manipulate me. he says this is a requirement a yes or no and he wont make his decision on whether he wants to break up with me until I say yes or no to his absolute compliance. he said his decision is solely based on my answer and If i say yes i dont get to back off or get out of it.

I also wrote down a quote he said that was just so arrogant i couldnt leave it out.

"You sit before an artisan of problem solving." -my fiance

soo haha yeahh the last argument happened right before going to bed and I started typing this as soon as I got up and finished my hygiene stuff.

I'm pretty sure if he had never told me he'd wanted to hit me this wouldn't be such a difficult thing to answer... I love him and I have no idea if I should pick him and risk any form of my safety or just let him leave me.. he has no job, no money, and no family to go to.. I know he doesnt care about being homeless but I do care..I fucking love him and I dont want that for him not even for a day... as shitty as he and I can both be I still dont believe that's what he deserves... if he ever finds this hell be even more pissed that I'm even concerned about what he'll do if he leaves.. he always told me to not care and that if I ever do want to leave him to not worry about that and just get it over with sooner.. thing is I dont want to leave I just want my baby back... the one that didnt yell or didnt want to hit me at all... I want our old relationship back.. I guess I want to know if that's even possible at this point. any words from anyone would be really nice right now.. if only to just feel like someone's talking to me.. my fiance is literally the only person I talk to and the closest thing to a friend I have. and i dont tell my parents any of what's happening because they're stressed enough so I've been basically alone for 4 years with no one but my fiance to talk to..

granted it's my fault I havent made other friends but I've been so stressed recently that I havent done much about it for many reasons..

update: he just finished telling me that hes only had half a burger in the last 3 days, (due to stress) he just wanted to let me know that apparently.

[maariku]

He’s Well Hung & I Am Hanging On [Rockstar AU Prequel]

[Rockstar AU main thread] ; done with @oregashujinkaku​

[jheeny3000 has joined the chat]

[PABLOO has joined the chat]

jheeny3000: pabloooooooooooo

PABLOO: yo

jheeny3000: he in yet

PABLOO: nah man

PABLOO: but i got updates too yo

jheeny3000: yeah?

PABLOO: ye my bands playing at charlie's pub this friday

jheeny3000: noice u gotta tell skeeter

[noranora has joined the chat]

PABLOO: ye i will

PABLOO: yo nora

PABLOO: saw u the other night that was a sick show!

jheeny3000: yo noraaaa

noranora: hey

noranora: omg thanks

noranora: i didn't see you there!

noranora: is skeeter here yet?

jheeny3000: nah but yo pablo's band is playing at charlies on friday

noranora: sweeeet when? i'll drop by!

PABLOO: prob like nine that would be cool ye

noranora: jon hows your music coming?

jheeny3000: fucken stalled girl

jheeny3000: mikey bailed so we need a new drummer

PABLOO: what a fag

noranora: oh shit :( good luck with that

jheeny3000: yeahhhhhhhhh whatevs he was a dick

PABLOO: didnt he try to hook up with that guys sister

[princemalik has joined the chat]

jheeny3000: idr probably lmao he hooks up with everyone

[skeeter has joined the chat]

jheeny3000: SKEEEEET

jheeny3000: skeet man

PABLOO: yo skeet what up

skeeter: sup what i miss

noranora: pablo's playing at charlies on friday! :)

skeeter: sick gig man

jheeny3000: yo skeet u know a drummer? ours bailed

skeeter: nah man sorry

jheeny3000: shit

skeeter: karim might

jheeny3000: truuu

noranora: hey who is princemalik

PABLOO: idk hasnt said anything yo skeet u coming to charlies for me?

skeeter: i'll try man

princemalik: hey

noranora: hi :)

PABLOO: yo wtf wheres karim i got fken class in an hour

jheeny3000: dont sweat it pablo we'll tell him about charlies

jheey3000: you dont gotta spread it out to everyone like a flier lmao

PABLOO: shut up man karim got me this gig

noranora: oh cool! is he playing too?

PABLOO: idk i think so

jheeny3000: well now im def going

PABLOO: ur a faggot man fuck you

skeeter: just texted him he's coming on

PABLOO: FINALLY

noranora: he's in uni pablo he's probably busy

PABLOO: we're all busy damn man

jheeny3000: skeet did he get a new phone

skeeter: idk

jheeny3000: i asked his number he said he lost his phone last week

PABLOO: lmaoooooo you fuckin got skid man

jheeny3000: asshole wtf i cant believe him

[mkarim has joined the chat]

jheeny3000: fuck him

PABLOO: lmao nice

noranora: omg

noranora: hey karim

jheeny3000: yo man u fix ur fuckin phone

PABLOO: dude

PABLOO: duuude dont

PABLOO: karim yo i got that gig on friday

jheeny3000: IGNORED palbo damn

PABLOO: palbo

PABLOO: yo where is he wtf

noranora: you guys have no chill

mkarim: hey nora

mkarim: nice pablo thats sick im gonna be there all night my boys are getting trashed haha

PABLOO: sweeet hey man i'll see u there

mkarim: for sure

jheeny3000: karim u got a drummer i can use

mkarim: what happened to mikey

jheeny3000: got enaged r smth

mkarim: aw

noranora: awww thats sweet

mkarim: hey whos princemalik

jheeny3000: no its fukn gay

jheeny3000: dk he doesnt fkn talk just sqautting

mkarim: doesnt malik mean king

mkarim: prince king?

mkarim: your highness do you play or do you watch

princemalik: i play

princemalik: someone in another chatroom told me to join this one

princemalik: something about this song i wrote

skeeter: oh yo that was me hey man sorry i blanked

skeeter: karim dm him he has some stuff you should hear sounds like yours

noranora: ooooh can we hear it?

mkarim: oh yeah? cool okay

jheeny3000: sounds like his how

jhneey3000: like rip off or like what

skeeter: like style man

PABLOO: i gotta go to class

PABLOO: see u guys friday?

PABLOO: charlies?

jheeny3000: jfc pablo we'll be there fk off with the self promo

noranora: we'll be there! :)

mkarim: see you man

PABLOO: kk

[PABLOO has left the chat]

jheeny3000: karim yo you never told me about the drummer situation

jheeny3000: you got one?

noranora: i think he’s afk again

jheeny3000: jfc skeet can u text him or smth

[princemalik has left the chat]

jheeny3000: skeeeeet

[mkarim has left the chat]

jhneey3000: r u fuck serious rn

noranora: i'm sorry j :/ i'll try to be on the lookout for you

jheeny3000: fucking faggots jfc

[jheeny3000 has left the chat]

[private message: mkarim@ princemalik]

mkarim: hey your highness

mkarim: so you got a link to these songs?

princemalik:  yeah, hold on

princemalik:  https:youtu.be/dQwwWgXcQ

mkarim: I like this

mkarim: I really like this

mkarim: you do this alone? how long have you been playing

princemalik: yeah

princemalik: oh man idk since I was a kid, I started taking singing lessons when I was eight I think

princemalik: you?

mkarim: christ lmao

mkarim: one of those kids huh

mkarim:  I started like fifteen or something I think

mkarim: no I like this though skeet was right it does sound like my stuff

mkarim: kind of punk right?

princemalik: yeah, alternative I guess

princemalik: so, do I get to hear some of your stuff or what?

princemalik: so you started at fifteen... how old are you now?

mkarim: yeah sure here

mkarim: https:youtu.be/dXwqQjXcX

mkarim: thats one of the newer ones

mkarim: 20

mkarim: u?

princemalik: yeah, me too

princemalik: holy shit, this is really good, you have like a band or something?

mkarim: yeah we play a bit in bars and stuff

mkarim: small venue stuff

mkarim: we're playing at charlie's on friday after pablo's band, you should come, are you in LA?

princemalik:  nah I don't live in the states, actually

princemalik:  that sounds really cool though, maybe you could get someone to record it for me?

princemalik:  that's not weird to ask, is it?

mkarim: no we post live vids on our channel you can check it out

mkarim: we're called endeverafter

mkarim: shame youre not close would be cool to jam sometime with a guy with music like yours

mkarim: you thinking of starting a band of your own?

princemalik: yeah absolutely I'll check it out

princemalik:  I've been talking to some of the guys in my class about it, the guitarist's dad owns a bar in the city he told us when we get some songs together we can play there

princemalik: so, do you speak Arabic or did you google my name?

mkarim: right on you gotta take him up on that let me know how it goes

mkarim: lol I speak it I was born just outside cairo

mkarim: I take it youre native too?

princemalik: yeah, I will.

princemalik: hey, me too.  When did you move out to the states?  What's it like?

mkarim: maybe five ago

mkarim: its amazing I love the city here

mkarim: so much to do, tons of clubs, people are just generally into more stuff

mkarim: I could never go back after being here its like a whole other world

mkarim: its expensive though

princemalik: yeah?  Worse than Cairo you think?

princemalik: I've always wanted to visit, it seems like everyone is more chill there, more accepting, y'know?

mkarim: definitely steeper. I got an apartment I share with three other guys rn

mkarim: they definitely are

mkarim: are you in school still?

princemalik: oh wow that's a lot, sounds like it could be a lot of fun tho

princemalik: yeah I am, you?

mkarim: yeah, second year. I think I'm done honestly though getting tired of this and the bands doing so well, we're getting signed in a few months, probably start touring

princemalik: holy shit you're getting signed?  That's amazing, good for you guys.  You gotta make sure the tour comes through here lol

mkarim: lmao yeah just for you your majesty

mkarim: what are you studying

princemalik: that's right, a private viewing just for me lol

princemalik: music theory

princemalik: what about you, something boring?

mkarim: yeah

mkarim: the only way my dad would pay for me to move here and go to school was if I studied what he wanted

mkarim: worth it to get away from him so I figure why not I can drop it out once I save up my own money

mkarim: sorry you don't need to know that shit

princemalik:  it's alright

princemalik: don't get along very well with your dad, huh?

mkarim: no

mkarim: do you live at home?

princemalik: that sucks, sorry man

princemalik: yeah, with my father and my sister

mkarim: older or younger? she into music too?

princemalik: older and nah not really

princemalik: she's more into like clothes and stuff

princemalik: you have any siblings?

mkarim: ooh fashionista lol

mkarim: no its just me

mkarim: that I know of lol

mkarim: isn't it late there now? youre like ten hours ahead aren't you?

princemalik: yeah she makes her own jewelry and everything she's pretty good at it

princemalik: yeah but it's the weekend tomorrow I'll just sleep in

mkarim: fair enough

mkarim: so what else are you into

princemalik: not a lot, with school and practice that takes up most of my time y'know

princemalik:  I read a lot, mostly keep to myself

princemalik:  what about you, you seem pretty outgoing.  I bet you have groupies already

mkarim: hahahaa yeah I guess kind of

mkarim: we go out a lot here like I said theres a lot of places to go

mkarim: do you party?

princemalik: yeah, sometimes

princemalik: there's some really nice clubs here but my dad is pretty strict so I've gotta get creative

mkarim: lol youre 20 man why do you stay at home? move out, get your own place, party any time you want. why let him rule you?

princemalik:  I don't really have a job right now, I couldn't afford living on my own anyway.

princemalik: he's not too bad

mkarim: if you say so

mkarim: I gotta get going. rehearsal. i'll talk to you later, prince lol

princemalik: alright lol see ya

princemalik:  you up yet?  How did your rehearsal go?

mkarim: hey sorry I hardly go on the chats here

mkarim: jon keeps bugging me about everything hes really annoying lol

mkarim: you can text me though that might be easier?

princemalik: yeah absolutely just send me you number

mkarim:  5552814

Hey it's the king.  So how was rehearsal, you go to any wild parties?

the king huh lol it was fine, just practicing for friday. probably having an after party then we'll see we'll see ;)

Hey, I didn't name myself lol.  Nice, have fun.  I'm going out Friday night too, it's not gonna be anywhere near as wild as your party though I'm sure.

whats your sisters name I bet its like Amira or something lol. you gonna party or got a hot date?

No lol it's Ishizu.  Just clubbing with some friends, I'm not really dating anyone right now.  What about you, you got a girlfriend or something?

or something. nah not really with anyone now.

so I listened to a few more of your songs on your yt, you've got good chords man. i'm still reeling that you put all that together by yourself.

That means a lot, especially from someone with as much experience as you, thank you.  Hey, if you ever need some guest vocals you know who to call lol

haha yeah if you ever flew to LA to sing. wouldn't be bad though we all suck, we could use someone like you. shame. what do you play most?

Mostly just sing, keyboard.  I started learning guitar years ago but I'm kind of a wuss with my hands I hate he callouses lol. What do you play?

lol aw the poor royal hands. I love guitar, i play bass mostly though.

Got the short end of the stick huh?   You're really good at the vocals too, you have a good voice for it.  You could be lead if you wanted to.

nah i don't think ive got the right stage presence for lead or something. i like bass its ok

That's something you learn, though, right?  You seemed to handle yourself pretty well in those videos.

ahh you watched those eh yeah they're kind nsfw I guess but so are the songs

Yeah they were really good though, you're very good looking.

ahahahaa thanks. You make any videos?

What, of just me?  Nah, that's kind of weird and embarrassing lol.  Maybe if the whole band thing takes off we will.

nah do like acoustic stuff. Girls love that shit. Besides, if you're good looking too it'll get you more views

Do they? lol  Yeah, maybe I'll try it.  Something with my keyboard, maybe.

yeah and then link me. That's not weird to ask right lol

Nah it's only fair I guess.  I'll have to borrow my father's camera no way my phone is gonna do it.

lol okay well good luck with that I look forward to it

Did you still wanna see that video?  I'm kinda nervous about posting it honestly.

what video?

oh yeahhh oh yeah send it over

I sent the link in our chat.  Promise not to laugh too much.

i promise

damn thats good man.

i mean it sounds as good the camera allows but you look great too man lol your views will definitely skyrocket if you post that

Oh wow thanks lol.  Yeah I think I'm gonna do it.  May as well start getting myself out there, y'know?

you absolutely should. i swear its a lot easier to get noticed here though i think, like we've only been playing a year maybe and we're growing fast. it's just LA

A year??  That's so fast.  Man I've gotta get out there some day.

you sure do. how was your weekend?

Boring.  I spent most of it helping my father clean out the garage, wrote some new stuff.  What did you do, Mr. Rockstar?

lol what happened to that party you were going to? i went out man I don't even remember what I did last night we got so fucked

I didn't end up going we'll probably go this weekend instead.  Actually I might have some friends over Tuesday while my father's out of town.  It must've been a lot of fun then lol.

that sucks. sounds like a shitty weekend. does your sister live at home with you guys i can't remember if you told me

Yeah, I did she does.  If I'm extra nice to her she won't tell on me lol

lol better start doing her chores then. you wanna show me some of your new stuff? do you start with lyrics or music?

I already did her laundry today lol.  Sure, how do you want me to show you?  I always start with the lyrics, it helps me get an idea of where I'm going.  You write any of the stuff for your band?

yeah some of the lyrics but the lead does most of the music, he's just got an ear for it. whatever is easier for you, depends on how much you have I guess? we can call if it helps.

Not too much, its mostly bits and pieces.  Yeah we can call if you want that would be cool.

Alright give me a sec

[Incoming call: Karim]