#i think trans sam would have the biggest impact on society

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Gender reveals are awful. (Trans)gender reveals are a different story.

Not all gender reveal parties are bad — in fact, there’s one type of gender reveal that might *actually* be considered good.  

I know it’s hard to believe, especially when you consider the path of destruction our gender reveal hysteria has left behind. In 2017, a gender reveal party that involved explosives sparked a 47,000 acre wildfire and left $8 million worth of damage behind. Gender reveal parties have caused broken ankles and generated mass chaos. No one is safe — not the people forced to watch these parties or, far more seriously, the children forced to live out their parents' highly gendered expectations.

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But not all gender reveal blowouts are this normative. Over the past few years, a certain kind of gender reveal party has gone viral for a very good reason: They’re led by and for trans folks.

Though they may imitate the form of a traditional, regressive gender reveal, they're nothing like them. And that's a beautiful thing.

Gender reveal parties for adults, not the unborn

Hallmark, make this a card.

Image: heather green

When Heather Lundberg Green son's Adrian Brown came out to her as trans in 2018, neither Green nor her son knew how to tell other members of their family. Coming out as trans was "not the kind of things you announce to grandparents over Facebook," Green told Mashable in a phone interview. Not telling people also carried risks.

"People thought I had three children," Green said, "I only have two. Or people thought I had a daughter who died at some point … I just wanted to announce to my friends and family, 'This is awesome.' And I'm choosing joy and acceptance and support."

Green and her son explored different ways they could tell people en masse and still somehow inspire an affirming response. Ultimately, the two settled on the idea of a gender reveal. Instead of a traditional reveal, where expectant parent announces their future child's gender, Brown — who was 19 at the time of his transition — would announce his gender publicly, on his 20th birthday, with a photoshoot and party.

The power reversal was clear and transformative.

"I thought — you're nuts," Brown said of his mother's initial idea. "There's no way this is a good idea! This is the biggest taboo for trans people ever."

Once Green and Brown started to formulate their subversive plan for a gender reveal, Brown felt more confident.

"I've seen so many gender reveal parties on Facebook and online," Green said. "And when you see a gender reveal party you say 'Congratulations!' So that I thought would be a funny way to bring people in."

This is the one kind of party worth leaving your house for.

Image: heather green

The family pulled together a photoshoot, complete with blue balloons and other traditional gender signifiers. Green posted the photos to Facebook not expecting much of a reaction beyond family and friends. Within 24 hours, however, the they had been shared over 10,000 times, according to Green. Local news picked it up. National news picked it up.

Shortly after posting, Brown said, messages of support poured in from across the globe. He was surprised by how uplifting most of them were ("I expected more, a lot more hate," he said) and how clearly other trans folks were moved.

The pair had tapped into a real emotion. Unlike other gender reveals, this was one didn't go viral for setting off a major fire or letting a crocodile go loose.

It went viral for the most radical of reasons — because it was fundamentally kind.

Brown's reveal wasn't the first of its kind.

In 2017, Corey Walker, a 27-year-old trans Floridian, went viral after his friends threw him his own (trans)gender reveal party. Walker had thrown a similar party for his trans partner years before.

My friends threw me an "it's a boy" party to celebrate me starting testosterone. I'm blessed af to have so much support!!! pic.twitter.com/EcFWzg2rbO

— Corey (@seedubya18) May 25, 2018

"I thought it would be a cute surprise for him to come home to after he went to the doctor to get his first shot of testosterone," Walker told Metro UK at the time.

These reveals share a core emotional element which primed them to go viral. Traditional gender reveals celebrate predetermined, doctor-assigned sexes. Parents don't ask their fetus how they identify — they take whatever gendered information their doctor gives them, then assign it to their unborn children. By contrast, Walker and Brown's reveals celebrate sex and gender self-determination. 

It's a vital contrast.

The implications of this reversal are profound, both for the trans population and for cis folks who struggle to live under a gender binary.

Anachronistic gender reveal parties aren't great for anyone, trans or cis

Imagine if your family was this photogenic.

Image: heather green

The physical consequences of gender reveal parties (massive fires, blows to the face) are familiar to anyone who's seen a viral video in the past few years. The cultural consequences are, in many ways, more damaging in the long-term. These reveals send a strong message about who defines gender and what that assigned gender means.

"Gender reveal parties reinforce gender stereotypes and expectations that send messages to young people that there are guidelines, requirements, and limitations to only two genders," a.t. Furuya, Youth Programs Manager at GLSEN, an organization that advocates for LGBTQ students, told Mashable over email. "This message is harmful in that it limits the possibilities and autonomy one has over their identity."

The problem is twofold. It isn't just that gender reveals use an antiquated definition of gender. It's that they rely on exhausted gendered symbols and codes. Boys are coded blue and girls pink. Gifts are often distributed accordingly. The entire operation is a regressive throwback.

After all, gender reveals are only able to be celebrations because people continue to attach such intense emotional significance to gender. For a lot of parents, having a boy means something holistically, seismically different from having a girl. In this paradigm, biology, not culture or behavior, determines personality type. Parents pass down their gendered expectations onto their children.

Gender reveals are only relevant to a population who believes that there are two genders, and that they are fundamentally and biologically distinct. It's a destructive narrative, and one that seems out-of-place in an increasingly queer and trans-friendly society. 

That hasn't slowed down the success of gender reveal parties, though. Furuya isn't surprised that the country seems to be suffering from a bout of extreme gender-normative nostalgia.

"In the age of social media, gender reveal parties are seen as a way to 'creatively' share an old tradition," Furuya says. "In actuality, they unconsciously reinforce dangerously outmoded stereotypes — like ‘pink is for girls and blue is for boys’ — that many in our society have already moved away from. People who are not negatively impacted by gender roles do not have to think about the effects of these traditions — but everyone really should stop to think about their effects."

Maybe folks should stop throwing gender reveal parties. Or maybe they should take a cue from Adrian Brown and Corey Walker and let young people design their own.

Gender self-reveal parties are great. They also can't be the only model.

A party like this is perfect — for some people.

Image: heather green

Brown and Walker have set an incredible example for trans folks seeking to celebrate themselves, all while coming out to large groups of people. The reveals are subversive, celebratory, affirming, and fun. They communicate humor and, by extension, safety. These emotions are key to virality and, for some people, acceptance.

Even as they imitate traditional reveals, neither Brown nor Walker’s parties replicated the traditional model. Brown wasn’t forced to use blue balloons just because he publicly identified as male. That was a personal choice, as it should be for anyone planning to come out. 

Want to plan your own reveal? Use whatever damn color of balloons you want. Post photos of the event to Facebook, or don’t. The central conceit of a (trans)gender reveal party is that it’s based on personal choice, not cultural predetermination. 

(Trans)gender reveal parties also aren't for everyone. If you're thinking of throwing a reveal party for a transitioning friend, please consider whether or not they want it. And for the love of god, don't do the party as a surprise. One of the worst things you can do to someone trying to publicly announce their own gender identity, often after a long period of personal exploration, is to predetermine something else for them.

Just do the right thing and ask.

In the meantime, if you're an adult, consider not attending traditional gender reveal parties and reframing the way you talk about gender identity with young people.

"Some best practices in speaking with young people about gender is giving them space to navigate it freely and without judgment," Furuya says. "You do not have to be an expert on gender terminology or best practices to be a supportive parent or guardian. For many young people, knowing that you will continue to love them, protect them, and support them, minimizes serious mental health risks, allows for them to focus on important things like school and social engagements with their peers."

This attitude resonates. Recently, Brown and his mother attended an event for International Transgender Day of Visibility. They offered a "(Trans)gender reveal photoshoot booth" for anyone who wanted it. The booth was grounded in the same core principles as Furuya’s — freedom from judgment (Brown and Green never asked participants to reveal their gender) and support for every person who took a photo.

The booth was extremely popular. People carried "The future is non-binary" signs and played with blue and pink "gendered" balloons that didn’t match their assigned sex at birth.

"Everybody was so happy to have the opportunity," Brown says.

It was a party for anyone who needed it. There were so many people there. There'll be so many more to come. 

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