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#i think what's causing this (the psychological warfare from my brain) is the combination of stress
perilegs · 4 months
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it's funny that now that i don't really have much about my body to be dysphoric about my brain makes up psychological dysphoria and it's so dumb
#''oohh only people who are attracted to men but are slightly scared of what they deem real men (not you) will be attracted to you''#''or those people AND chasers AND ppl who just see you as a curiosity to test out''#like how do i even unpack the bs my brain is throwing at me#yeah maybe some part of me believes that but the logical part of me knows it's not true#i think what's causing this is that i'm still kinda new at being stealth while passing#like yeah ive been going as leevi for the entire duration of uni and living as a man but passing regularly started happening to me after#i started t#now i only get misgendered the same amount as cis men with shoulder length hair#so like. it's happened once after starting t lmao#i think what's causing this (the psychological warfare from my brain) is the combination of stress#and me actually becoming friends with a co worker i'm not out to#listen ive been trying to hint at being trans but he was born a guy and lives as a guy so hes not very tuned out on this stuff#though his partner is nb and ive met them and they think i'm cis too which i think is hilarious bc i feel like#i'm v easy to clock for trans ppl#though idk im fagging it up quite a bit so it makes me pass extra well so#anyways#im a bit conflicted about the situation#im not going to outright tell him i think but i'm not going to hide it if it comes up#which i know i dont have to do but i want to#we'll probably go swimming together this summer so if that doesnt make him realize it hes a lost case and i dont#need to worry about it lmaoo#also i bought shorts that arent sport shorts and they looked normal on me so im literally unstoppable#but yea thank u for listening to me i just needed to ramble#leevi talks
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cienie-isengardu · 2 years
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The Funeral Rites of Clone Troopers
The psychological and spiritual preparations for death pre-war ☽⛌☾ What happens to the body of a dead clone trooper? ☽⛌☾ Conclusions
<<Warning: Although I’m gonna explore all available to me tie-in materials regardless of their “canon status”, I wish to emphasize that my main source of knowledge about clones, Clone Wars and aftermatch comes from the so-called “Legends” thus any chip-in-brain retcon will be keep to the minimum>>
☾❖☽⛌☾❖☽⛌☾❖☽⛌☾❖☽⛌☾❖☽⛌☾❖☽⛌☾❖☽⛌☾❖☽
In May 2002, Attack of the Clones debuted and with this movie, the clone troopers became a vital part of the lore for good. For the last twenty years, source material provided us with glimpses of clone troopers’ life - from Kaminoan genetic modification and its effect on them, through the training on Kamino and the various battles to their personal relationships with brothers and non-cloned people. There are still plenty of things uncovered or not precisely said about clones, yes, but what was presented so far gives a well-detailed outline to work with. However, there is one aspect I wish to look closely at, namely broadly understood funeral rites, both in the sense of performed (or not) activities in relation to the body of the deceased soldier and the potential "religious" aspect. 
The psychological and spiritual preparations for death pre-war. 
Death is an inseparable part of life, more so for soldiers “bred for war”. Clone troopers were aware of this fact before the war even began - some died during the training while those considered “too defective” were taken by Kaminoans to never come back. Clone life, regardless if that was common trooper, commando or ARC, was hard and stressful and though Kaminoan education system was meant to prepare cadets for the reality of brutal fighting - and how little their existence meant in the grand scheme of things - it did not erase the fear of dying. 
At some point every soldier needed to come to terms with the real possibility of his and his brothers’ death. The cadets did not have many options when it came to seeking comfort for there were only Kaminoans (their creators) and commando training sergeants to give them any input. 
Kaminoans themselves were fairly emotionally detached and for most of their species, clones were nothing more than a product to sell. There were however individuals like Taun We and Glorii Profus who cared for clone troopers’ emotional stability as they recognized its importance in the process of creating well-balanced soldiers (and at least in the case of Taun We, also because she liked clones in her own way).
Interestingly, Taun We and Glorii Profus comforted clones with similar words of wisdom as could be seen in: 
Star Wars The Essential Guide to Warfare by Jason Fry & Paul R. Urquhart
“Many Kaminoans treated the clones callously, but Taun We - the coordinator of the clone project that created the GAR - was kind to them, assuring them that their artificially accelerated lives would be sacrificed in service to a higher cause. “You will die, but the GAR goes on forever,” she told them and sometimes added a benediction of sorts, one that many a clone trooper would seek comfort in during his last moments. “From water you are born, in fire you die. Your bodies seed the stars”. 
and Cestus Deception by Steven Barnes
     "It is the proudest duty of a trooper to serve and seek a good death," said Glorii Profus, their Kaminoan mentop.      The graceful, silver-skinned Profus was a combination psychiatric and spiritual adviser. Although clones never yielded to their fear, it would  be wrong to think that they never experienced it. Emotion was as valuable as blasters and bombs, death an inevitable part of war itself. No trooper could, through any amount of skill or strength, avoid that unpleasant reality. And always, on all planets and through all times, soldiers had asked the same question: What if I die? And for a trooper, the most comforting answer was: You will die. But the GAR goes on forever. The Kaminoan gracefully arched his long silver neck and raised his cup, brimming with Tallian wine, the  finest  in  the  quadrant.  His  voice  was cultured and comforting. "From water you are born. In  fire  you  die.  Your bodies seed the stars," he said, the  ritual  words  that  had  comforted  a million clones before they marched to their  deaths,  and  might  comfort  a billion more.      They raised their cups  as  one.  "We  seed  the  stars!"  they  said, together.
Though clone troopers were “schooled from even before awakening in their Kaminoan creche-schools to be ruthlessly pragmatic, materialistic, and completely impervious to superstition” [Revenge of the Sith novel by Matthew Stover], on Kamino they were allowed to seek psychological and emotional comfort in regard to matters of dying and some like Alpha-98/Nate apparently did. As the book passage says, mentop was a combination psychiatric and spiritual adviser.
This raises a question, did Kaminoans somehow share their own religious idea of the afterlife (like in mentioned  "We  seed  the  stars!"  said together?) or did they create a whole new - or partially based on Mandalorian religion - belief system solely for the benefit of clones? Whatever the answer is, through this indoctrination, clones were given a seed of faith to rely on in time of dying or mourning the fallen brothers. As in - their death serves the greater purpose.
This is especially interesting in the context of the whole “education system” in which clone cadets were enrolled. Anyone could die at any given moment, either during exercises and live ammo training or be taken away from brothers without any warning by Kaminoans due to some genetic flaw and then, depending on how serious the flaw was, either get genetic therapy or be simply eliminated. Termination could happen to individual person to even the whole batch:
Niner had never known any blind people, but he had heard of a batch of clones whose eyesight wasn't 20/20 disappearing after their first exercise. Kaminoans were obsessive about quality control. [Hard Contact by Karen Traviss]
So on one hand, clone’s life was strictly controlled and their routine throughout organized, on another the environment in which clones grew up couldn’t provide a healthy emotional stability, as every cadet could either be killed during countless training sessions or disappear without any warning or trace. Thus clone troopers lived from day to day, many in fear of lurking danger in the shape of Kaminoan technicians. The uncertainty taught them to keep emotions at bay, to not display them to outsiders (Kaminoas) and to keep face balant as possible:
Niner’s gut almost tied itself in a complete knot now. It didn’t show on his face, he was sure of that, because clones learned in Tipoca City how to present a bland face to the Kaminoans. For the ordinary troopers, it saved them from being reconditioned. For commandos protected by their ferocious training sergeants, it was just a habit, but a useful one. [Imperial Commando: 501st by Karen Traviss]
Since various sources present clones showed grieving brothers sympathy and support so an act of mourning the dead itself doesn’t seem to be taboo among them. However survival instinct adapted during growing up on Kamino explains why clone troopers rarely talk about such raw feelings with non-cloned people, be it their officers or civilians. Because they learned to keep their emotions under control, whatever grief they had for brothers who didn’t make it to another day, stayed between them and was not something to share with outsiders.
The uncertainty of clone’s life created also individual rituals between cohorts - an individuality especially encouraged in commando and ARC cadets - such like ship-out ceremony in which part took mentioned Nate:
 Only two hours remained. Nate and six of his brothers stood in a bricked, walled-off  area outside the ribbed arch of the barracks, beneath Vandor-3's densely starred night sky, performing a cohort ship-out ceremony. Whenever a trooper headed off on assignment, his cohort wished him not only good luck, but  good-bye. In the context of a trooper's life, this was more practicality than pessimism. If he did return, congratulations on a job well done. If he did not, well... what needed to be said had been said. [Cestus Deception]
Clone commandos had additional benefit of being trained by their naturally born sergeants and some, like Kal Skirata and Walon Vau taught them Mandalorian ways to honor fallen comrades:
Scorch could hear the mumbling rumble of low voices. It had a sort of rhythm to it. Yes, they were reciting a list. Now that he could hear, he caught sounds he recognized. Names. They were reciting names. Sev was the first to hesitate. He caught Scorch's elbow. "I don't think we should interrupt them, ner vod." Skirata turned slowly, lips still moving, and then Vau looked up. "You want to join in, ad'ike?" Vau said kindly, and he was not a kindly man. "Just commemorating brothers gone to the manda. You forgotten what day it is?" Scorch had although it should have been etched in his memory. Seven hundred and thirty-six days ago, all ten thousand Republic commandos had been deployed to Geonosis with the rest of the Grand Army at zero notice, a scramble to board ships that left no time for farewells to their training sergeants. Of the ten thousand men who shipped out, only five thousand had come back. Scorch felt like a fool. He knew what the two sergeants were doing now, and why: they were reciting the names of fallen clone commandos. It was a Mandalorian custom to honor dead loved ones and comrades by repeating their names daily. He wondered if they went through all those thousands every single day. [Republic Commando: Order 66 by Karen Traviss]
Since out of 100 instructors only 75 were Mandalorians, there is a chance some commandos adopted a different approach to taking care of the bodies of fallen brothers and rituals to honoring dead ones. Which could mean that at least commandos weren’t as homogeneous in that regard as outsiders may think. 
Of course, losing a brother was a painful experience and clones weren’t immune to it. Through the various sources, we can with no doubt say that whatever was taught to them on Kamino did not erase the feeling of grief and hurt that comes with losing someone close. Yet death and its effect on common troopers and commandos was different in the sense, the first were socialized with each other on a greater scale than the latter, since commandos interacted mainly only with members of the same pod, members of the same batch and their training sergeants.
Clone troopers lost brothers in training. So did commandos. But troopers were socialized with whole sections, platoons, companies, even regiments, and that meant that even after the inevitable deaths and removals during live exercises, there were still plenty of people around you whom you knew well. Commandos worked solely with each other. [Hard Contact]
This implies that clone troopers had more people to share the burden of grief and to seek comfort with, while commandos were trained within smaller and more closely knit squads. At the same time, all clones in general weren’t that much open about sharing their personal feelings with outsiders, unless they were ordered to (for example, asked by superior officer) or came to trust and respect the non-cloned person.
There are plenty of things sources did not tell us about clones’ life on Kamino, but we know for sure that their training was deadly and some in fact died during exercise or were eliminated by Kaminoans due to unwanted genetic mutations, to erase the low quality of “product”.
next part: What happens to the body of a dead clone trooper?
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I paused the new episode about halfway through to take notes as my brain made some points the second fearing spiders being wise was mentioned and then parts of it got semi-confirmed at the end, so here’s the very rough version of those immediate thoughts (sorry if they don’t make sense, I typed them on my phone at midnight and it turned rambly *gets out my red string*):
[[MORE]]
I think, personally, that Jonah was more or less grooming Jon to take over for Elias from the start. I’m gonna base this on mostly two things we learned from Jonah!James this episode, 1. A fear of spiders is a wise fear, 2. No remaining friends/family to question them.
The only real reason we’ve been given for why Jon was chosen over Sasha for the role of head archivist, is that he came pre-marked by the spider. Sasha was, by all other accounts, a better choice for an archivist. Potentially a little too clever for being an Archive, and probably also too clever for being head of the institute, but on paper? — good archivist material.
Now, this is explained in canon as being marked by the web is exceptionally difficult, but I think it might also be a bit of fear that the Mother spins her webs and pulls strings. If she saw fit, there would be no problem for any web avatar to say more to the archivist than Jonah wants, so having them coming pre-marked removes the need to interact with web avatars and lowers that risk.
Jonah knew all along that the rituals wouldn’t succeed, no matter what other people did to interfere or not. Naturally, we’ve been told that Jonah!Elias still sent him to interfere to mark him for the upcoming eye ritual. I think that every time Jon has been marked by an entity, it has also come with the added bonus of losing more of his friends, effectively isolating him.
Sasha was lost to the stranger during Prentiss’ attack after getting very suddenly isolated from Jonah!Elias, whom she’d been following and assumed would help. Her stranger replacement mixed with the timely? Untimely? discovery of Gertrudes body help drive Jon deep into his paranoia in season two, which is a driving factor to everything that happens later.
Tim was killed in his vengeance quest to the stranger during the unknowing, which Jonah!Elias knew wouldn’t actually work and yet was very interested in watching (if not for some excellent distraction work from the rest of the archive crew). Sure, it could just be to make sure Jon is thoroughly marked by both stranger and end, but it was never explicitly stated that that’s what/why he was watching.
Daisy got lost to the buried during the unknowing, and should’ve been lost forever if Jon hadn’t found a way to rescue her, risking everything.
Melanie was well on her way to becoming an avatar of the slaughter, if it hadn’t been for Basira and Jon interfering and then Jon telling her how she could get away from the institute. Either way, she does not consider Jon a friend.
Basira and Jon weren’t really on the best of terms anyway, and probably wouldn’t have been to difficult to keep apart should it be needed.
I think Jonah was certain he had double security for his bet with Peter over Martin, where Martin would definitely go into the lonely and Jon would follow him, giving Jon the final mark needed for the watchers crown, but I think he might’ve also taken the risk of betting on that Martin would be so far into the lonely that he probably wouldn’t follow Jon out, effectively isolating Jon from his last tie (anchor) to humanity and the last thing keeping him from fully embracing his status as the ceaseless watchers little boy the Archivist. If not, then Martin would be so affected by the lonely and probably so deep in the mindset of pushing Jon away that he wouldn’t be a huge risk. (And he would potentially also make an excellent successor to Jon, should it be needed). (I think, personally, that’s a huge miscalculation if so, but mostly because we the audience know that Martin wasn’t as isolated as he was supposed to. He never truly isolated himself, partially because he still supplied the archive with helpful tapes and statements and because he didn’t really believe too much in the cause of his isolation.)
I’m going to assume Sasha had friends and family outside the institute, or at least outside the archives, because I can’t actually remember if it’s come up in canon and I don’t have the energy to check it right now. She at least seemed a lot more - sociable - than Jon, especially early seasons Jon, so I’ll say it’s a fair assumption. Isolating her would be a lot more trouble than it was probably worth, and combined with the fear of her also potentially having been briefed by Gertrude and the need for her to interact with the web, probably not a risk worth taking.
Basically, I just think Jonah might have miscalculated how much Jon cares about his friends and how much they care about him, and while he did succeed in doing the watchers crown, he didn’t really succeed in appointing Jon to be his successor. I don’t think he’s quite managed to make Jon a true avatar in the way we’ve seen other avatars, where they would go to extreme lengths for their patron. I really don’t think the lack of choice, the more or less imprisonment and long term torture and psychological warfare, the manipulation, has worked quite as intended, and Jon has maintained too much of his humanity (or at least too many of his memories and ties to humanity) to ever be able to take over for Jonah!Elias.
Which is a very long way of saying, I really don’t think Jon’s going to take Jonahs place as the pupil of the eye, but i do believe the backup plan in case the watchers crown failed was for Jon to take over for Elias
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shaylehv · 6 years
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