#i totally didn't steal a real life aquarium - definitely not at all

[mint-berry-crunch]

KENNY

KENNY, MY BELOVED!

Oh boy, OH BOY, where to start with this guy?

I think I'll start out with his appearance, then move on to his identity, likes, dislikes, and misc. shit.

But before we get into it, minor TW for mentions (slightly in-depth!) of bad home life, an eating disorder, and mental illnesses. It's the first thing under the cut; I put a ✨ when it's safe to read again.

Ok, so, I definitely hc Kenny as underweight, for more than one reason. One being obviously that his family is poor, and can't afford much food, but I also think that Kenny has an eating disorder. ARFID, to be specific. It's not to lose weight, either; I think it formed because Kenny would rather his little sister Karen get to eat more food than him. His parents are also CLEARLY abusive, it's stated and even outright shown. I think that one of their abusive punishments is withholding food when Kenny does something they perceive as "bad," or even just when he makes them mad.

Kenny, I believe, also has a slew of disorders, mostly from his traumatic life. I think he's got:

ADHD, AFRID, C-PTSD, DPDR, and Cotard's syndrome. The C-PTSD is self explanatory- his life is shit. And I already explained the ARFID. But as for the others, I believe he has: ADHD just based on the actions he takes in the show. DPDR, as a symptom of his C-PTSD, and coping mechanism to the trauma of dying over and over and over. Impossibilities aside, if that were to happen to someone in real life, they would likely have a VERY hard time with their sense of reality. Cotard's syndrome, I considered not listing. Because Kenny really DOES die. But after thinking about it, I DO think he has it. I think his DPDR causes him to not be able to tell if he is really alive, or if he has died yet again.

✨

All the triggering stuff is out of the way now.

I think that Kenny has snake bites and an eyebrow piercing. He just gives those vibes, doesn't he? Like, come on, he TOTALLY has face piercings! Same with a mullet. Like, Kenny is THE most mullet-having mullet haver I've ever seen!! It's less of a "hillbilly country bumpkin" mullet, and more of a tik tok alt mullet, and it actually looks kinda good on him.

I also think he wear Hawaiian shirts under his parka. At first he didn't like them, not even wearing one when he went to Hawaii and just keeping his parka on, but after a little while, he realized that he loved button-up shirts, but that normal button-ups were to formal for him. His solution? Hawaiian shirts.

I think he's genderfluid. Genderfaunet, in specifically. He uses he/him/they pronouns. This is because he's almost always a boy, but is sometimes non-binary, so usually prefers he/him. He's straight and even when he's non-binary, he still calls himself straight. It's just a personal preference of his.

I think Kenny's intelligence is definitely above average. However, his strengths don't lie with schoolwork. Instead, he's better at real-life problem-solving, and emotional intelligence. I'd place his IQ at around 120, although he never got tested. His worst subject in school is math.

Some things he likes are: Rock music, the aquarium, dogs, "bad" weather, nature, sports, urban exploration, social media, cars, and video games.

Some dislikes are: Reading, drawing, writing, speaking (sometimes), school, and closed spaces.

When Kenny gets to be in high school, he works at a gas station with Stan and steals cigarettes from behind the register. Kenny's job as an adult is at Sea World.

Kenny has GOT to be my favorite character. He's funny, but can have serious story lines that you can take seriously, unlike, for example, Cartman. He's got some things about him that are very relatable to me and a lot of other people and he's just overall a great character!

[fullbattleregalia]

(The Android 20 Universe continues with Part 4!  And, er, I’m tagging @chestnutisland and @deadlybeautydbz since you’re both interested in this story.  Yay!)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

For the first time since leaving Gero’s lab, gray clouds were beginning to pile up and hang low in the sky.  18 stared up at the clouds.  She had joined 20, perching on the backseats next to him when 17 had whined his way back into the driver’s seat two hours earlier.  The wind riffled through her hair.  The air was soft and cool against her face with the promise of rain.  No wonder 20 seemed to be enjoying sitting back here so much.

18 glanced over at 20.  The lines of tension leftover from last night’s fuel station incident had finally smoothed away completely from around his eyes.  His chin was tilted up slightly, and a small, contented smile was pulling up the corners of his mouth.  18 looked away again.  Her cheeks felt ever so slightly warmer than usual.  It was probably just windburn – nothing important.  It didn’t occur to her that, with Gero’s modifications, windburn was likely something she would never experience.  She shifted through her memories to try and see if she could remember ever actually experiencing rain.  On the radio someone was playing a truly spectacular rift on the electric guitar.

Just as 18 was coming to the conclusion that she had no memories of what rain felt like against skin but one of a storm so violent that she had been able to hear the rain rattling against Gero’s thick metal doors, the entire car jerked to the right.  Only their superhuman reflexes kept 18 and 20 from being flung out onto the highway as the car skidded across three lanes of traffic and down an exit ramp.

“What the hell, 17?!” 20 yelped, clinging so hard to the side of the car that he was in danger of leaving a dent.  Behind them on the highway, tires screeched, horns blared, and drivers swore.

“We are going to the aquarium,” 17 announced cheerfully.

“What?!” demanded 18 and 20 in unison.

“There was a billboard back there for an aquarium, and they have a petting tank.  I want to pat a stingray.  It said something about being able to pat jellyfish, too.”

“I thought jellyfish were poisonous,” 20 put in hesitantly.  It sounded more like a question than a statement.

“Yeah,” 17 grinned.  “It sounds like a challenge!”

“Huh.  Okay. Sure, why not,” 20 nodded.

18 considered the prospect of fish.  Bright, colorful fish.  Something old and forgotten and buried beneath programming and trauma stirred and brightened at the idea.

“Okay,” she agreed as well.

“Good,” 17’s grin widened, “because you two didn’t actually have a choice.”

20 laughed, and 18 rolled her eyes at her brother’s antics, but she wasn’t actually annoyed.  With every mile farther that they drove in the lime green convertible, the pressing need to find Son Goku seemed to wane further and further.  It was a good game, a good excuse, but 18 was starting to wonder if she just might be happy if they never quite made it to Mt. Paozu.

 The aquarium was a massive building with wide, dimly lit corridors. Most of the bright light came from the floor to ceiling glass tanks embedded in the walls where schools of exotic fish darted around reconstructed segments of coral reef and rainforest tree roots.  17 dragged them past all these without pause, following the signs to the petting tank area.

Even their first visit to the restaurant with the moo shu pork hadn’t prepared 18 for this many people.  The petting tank room was large, brightly lit, and packed.  Excited, babbling young voices practically drowned out 18’s own thoughts, and she was tempted to clamp her hands over her ears.

17 elbowed his way to the front of the crowd without care for subtlety or politeness, rolled up his sleeves, and stuck his hands in the water of the shallow, sandy-bottomed tank to touch the first thing he could reach – a horseshoe crab. His face brightened with almost childlike delight.  

20 peered at the side of the tank where tank a small ray about eight inches across was pressing its belly to the glass.

“It looks like it’s smiling.”  20 gently touched his fingers to the clear barrier.

“Be very gentle.”  A cheetah woman wearing an aquarium employee shirt was showing 17 how to touch one of the little rays.  “Just let your fingers skim over its back.  Any harder and you might hurt or stress the animal.”

18 rolled up her sleeves and plunged her hands into the cool saltwater as well.  She let her fingers trace over the back of a ray as it swam serenely past.  Rubbery sandpaper with sharp ridges of spine. Next to her, 20 had his red wrist bracers tucked under one arm and was laughing at the texture of the starfish under his hand.  18 looked from her brother’s delighted expression – possibly the most relaxed and happy she had even seen him – to 20’s massive grin as he helped a freckled little girl to pat the starfish as well.  Then 18 reached out to touch the hard, smooth shell of a horseshoe crab. This had definitely been a good idea.

The jellyfish were in a separate tank and turned out to be moon jellies and nonvenomous to humans – much to 17’s disappointment.  You didn’t so much pat them as hold your hand in the water and allow the jellyfish’s translucent white doom to bump softly into your fingers. 18 found the moon jellyfish peaceful and soothing despite the cacophony of children going on around them.

“We’re going to the jellyfish exhibit next,” announced 18 when they finally left the petting tank room.

17 blinked at her.

“But sharks.”  He pointed down a different hall.

“We have all day.  Sharks later – jellyfish now.”  18 caught 17 by the wrist and 20 by the hand and started towing them in the direction of the jellyfish exhibit.

“And then the coral reef fish,” 20 added.  His cheeks were tinted the slightest bit pink.  

“Coral reef fish and more prawn crackers,” 17 agreed.

“Haven’t you had enough of those?”

“You can never have enough prawn crackers.”

Hours swirled by in colorful splashes and sparkles of chaotic, breathtaking life.  There was a massive oval tank that you could walk down the center of like you were swimming with the fish themselves, and on the level below that sharks drifted by with graceful menace.  Jellyfish trailed tentacles like ribbon and lace streamers beneath ruffled skirts, and silver hatchet fish flashed along the bottom of a fake rainforest riverbed.

They had been at the aquarium for almost four hours when 18 caught sight of her reflection in the glass of a dark, underwater shipwreck display.  She hadn’t thought much about her appearance in a long time, because until now it hadn’t been hers.  The image in the glass was shadowy and a little fuzzy.  The low lighting caught her face oddly and made half her hair look shorter than it actually was.  In her earliest memories, 18’s hair was long, falling past her shoulder blades.  Then between one awakening from stasis and then next her hair had been clipped to above shoulder length to match 17’s.  18 considered her distorted reflection.  She looked… good with short hair.  Less like Gero’s doll in a box.  She wasn’t in a box anymore.  If she wanted to cut her hair so it didn’t match her brother’s, she could. It was a surprisingly liberating thought.

20’s reflection joined hers in the darkened glass.  The strange cast of shadows made his face look solemn.  It didn’t suit him.  She looked away from the glass and down at 20.  He gave her a smile.  She gave him a small smile in return.  

“I’m getting a haircut,” 18 told him just so that she could hear the words out loud.

20’s eyebrows furrowed together slightly,

“I don’t think that’s something you can do at the aquarium.”

18 snorted and then, after a moment’s hesitation, reached out and bumped 20 lightly in the shoulder with her fist like she had seen him do to 17.

“I meant after we leave the aquarium.”

“In that case,” said 17, leaning in and startling them both, “I want a hat.”

“A hat?” asked 20 skeptically.

“Yup.  A hat. It saw a sign that says souvenirs, and I want a souvenir, and that souvenir is going to be a hat.”

17 could not be talked out of buying a hat, though thankfully 18 did manage to convince him to buy the baseball cap with the stylized shark rather than the stupidly grinning purple fish.  Somewhere in the melee of the gift shop, 17 acquired another wallet since their current one was almost out of zenni.

 18 stared at her reflection in the mirror as the hairdresser removed the drape from around her shoulders.  A ‘pixie cut,’ the hairdresser had called it.  18 didn’t think much of the name, but she did like how it looked on her. She ran her hands through her hair, enjoying the sudden feel of air on her fingers so much sooner than expected. Her head felt lighter.

“Huh.”  17 was peering around the corner at her.  Apparently he’d acquired a new bag of prawn crackers while he’d been waiting.  “Now you and 20 match.”

“We do not,” 18 scowled, crossing her arms.

“Yeah,” agreed 20, leaning around 17, “hers is way longer and doesn’t stick up in the front.  You look really nice, 18.”

“Thank you, 20.  And for that comment, 17, I’m driving next.”

“Awww,” 17 pouted, but she ignored him.

18 glanced at her image in the mirror one more time before turning to go. The different hairstyle made her look a touch older, and for some reason, her eyes seemed a little brighter. There was a light to them that she didn’t remember seeing before.

She headed for the door.

 Around dawn the next morning 18 finally relented and let 17 have the steering wheel back.  They were getting steadily closer to Mt. Paozu.  Even on the meandering backroads 17 had taken them back onto, they should be there by tomorrow.  18 had stopped trying to direct 17 using their map.  She wasn’t reluctant to find Son Goku but- but-

Well, whatever the reason, she was content to just let 17 take them in more or less the right direction.

20 was flipping through radio stations, pausing on one for barely a few seconds before switching to the next.  17 finally caught 20’s wrist before he could press the button again.

“Yeah, no.  That is both annoying and distracting.”

“You’re hardly one to talk,” 20 shot back good-naturedly.  17 made a ‘this is true’ face.  “Besides,” 20 commented off-handedly, “I’m supposed to be distracting.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” asked 18, twisting to look at him from the passenger seat.

“Hm?  Oh, it was just something Gero said once,” 20 shrugged.

For some reason, that comment left a bad taste in 18’s mouth.

[quarantinebreakup412081121]

Day 6: I slept through the night and didn't wake up crying this morning

So that's progress, right??? I think that the Theraflu helped me to kick whatever fever, etc. I had, because now I only feel sadness, not debilitating sickness. Head hurts a little- the way it hurts the day after I've cried intensely about something. I know this feeling because I had it probably weekly when I was with J, and I'd experienced a couple instances of it with R over the past month.

I'm trying to frame R as the bad guy, but it's still hard because I can't forget about all of the good--- because there was SO MUCH GOOD. I'm coming to realize though, that a large amount of the "good" was the face you put on for a person when you first meet and you're trying to get on their good side- even if you're not being 100% you. He did do some bad things, yes, but I keep finding my mind gravitating to the positive memories. That's natural and that happened with J right after we broke up, even though I knew he was 85% shit bag and 10% nice guy and probably 5% lizard person.

So here are some of the things that didn't, as he said "sit right with me" about him; let me know what you think.

1. He drank- like every day- like a couple or a few beers. I rarely drink, but I thought, if he can hold his shit together, we’re still having a good time- it's all good! Then one day, I was bringing up something we'd had a 20 minute conversation about the day before and he had NO IDEA what I was talking about. No recollection. He laughed and said "I was drunk!" I had NO idea because he seemed totally sober and I didn't realize that he'd had however many beers and like an entire large bottle of wine while we were playing video games with his friends. Come to think of it- I think the only times we were together and he wasn't drinking were when he drove here (I mean, I hope he didn't drink before he drove- WITH HIS DOG- over here.) And when we were out for a date day in Raleigh. He did have a couple drinks at lunch, but that's reasonable.  Any time he had a long day or something difficult happened- his first comment was about how he needed a drink.  I wish he’d sometimes just talked about some of those things instead of handling it with alcohol all the time.  That’s not healthy for anyone and eventually it will take its toll.

2. He drove tired. It was to see me (a 1 hour drive,) which I appreciated, but I'd have rather come to him or seen him a little less frequently if it meant he'd only drive when fully rested. Once again-- he had his dog with him every time, so he was putting them both-- and others-- at risk! This bothered me and I think it bothered him that I was bothered by it. He said he'd fallen asleep- like dozed off for a couple seconds- driving all the time and it was fine... 🤔🤔🤔 That's very much not okay.

3. He texted while driving. He said it's fine and he's okay and it's not a big deal. It stressed me out. Once again, I think he was bothered that I was bothered by him putting everyone in the car (plus others) at risk by driving distracted. But he's a cop and former military (and a white American man) so I guess there is that piece of him that believes he's above the law and he can just do what he wants.

4. He would not talk about his previous sexual partners- not a number, not anything, and he was adamant about it. I didn't like that; I didn't need details, I just wanted to have an idea of how many people he'd been with before me.  I just wanted to know that he was taking us seriously enough to talk about real life stuff like that.

5. He would not make our relationship official. We "dated exclusively" for 5 months and then he ghosted me.  And I was the one who asked him if we were exclusive during our first month because I assumed we were, but then I thought I should say it and get verbal confirmation before I ended up in a situation where I was dating someone who was dating other people because we’d never officially established those boundaries.

6. He wouldn't add me on social media because he "hardly used it." That was a gigantic red flag and I intentionally ignored it because he seemed genuine and it seemed like something silly to make a big deal of-- but I should have made it a big deal.  It didn’t sit 100% right with me, but I figured, not everybody is into social media and I don’t want to make it out to be a bigger thing than it was.  But what I realize now is that since it wasn’t a big deal, the fact that he was fighting against it was a sign that he was trying to hide something from me.

7. The only time he did a "weekend getaway" type of thing was when we were going to go to the beach a month after we first met. He was going to pick me up, we'd go to the beach for a few days and stay at a hotel there together. Then he said the person who was going to dog sit while we were gone had just lost their parent so they couldn't do it anymore, but he'd ask some other people. He said everyone he asked was unavailable, so he cancelled the hotel and said we could go to the beach for just the day and then do a Raleigh date- Disney Store, Build A Bear, cheesecake, sushi, etc. instead on the following day. But he's still be stealing me for the weekend. These were the first nights we spent together. After our Raleigh date, which included Disney Store (yay!) but no build a bear because the line was too long, and picking up cheesecake to go, we went to a different place to eat than originally planned because the restaurant wait was 2 hours. When we got back to his place, we watched TV and he gave me wine- I had a couple glasses- and those hit me pretty hard because I am a lightweight lol. I knew we were going to have our first time that night. It wasn't discussed, I just kind of knew, and he did, too... We had been building up to it so it wasn’t out of nowhere.  And I was ready- and I wanted to- so there was no issue with that. But looking back, I can't help but feel like he was trying to get some alcohol in me so I’d be more likely to go with it. He did not force anything on me at all, I could have stopped it at any time if that’s what I wanted, but I was totally aware and did what I wanted to do-- this still doesn't change his motivation for doing what he did and that on its own just doesn't "sit right with me." Also, it's convenient how he never sent me the hotel info before the trip got cancelled, and how everybody was unavailable, and how he was able to cancel the hotel so close to the time as well as the aquarium reservation (that I think you had to pay for.) Not saying any of this isn't what happened; it just seems really odd.

8. He would tell me the same stories again and again. I noticed him do it with his friends, too. And they'd just kind of laugh along- as if that's something they're used to. Had he already done some damage to his brain? I was concerned about that, for him and for me, but I figured, it's a quirk. I can deal with it.

9. He would always shit talk kids. Like he really disliked kids. He didn't want to go to the pool if there were "screaming kids" there. He said he did an escape room and there were kids there who ruined the experience. He talked about living with his ex (for many years) and how he got along okay with her kids but was closer with the toddler than the one in school. How do you LIVE with a person for years and then move out, but continue to date on and off, and just kind of get along okay with their kids?  And when he met my best friend and her husband and daughter, he was so great with her!  Didn’t even skip a beat talking to her and playing card games with her.  But I guess that’s all part of his ability to act like the “good guy” when he has to.  That makes more sense now.

10. The story of how he got his dog. The day we met he said as part of his sheriff dept rotation he had to work at the animal shelter and he ended up meeting Luna falling in love with her so brought her home with him. Couple months later, he's telling a story about it and said that it was his ex who wanted to get Luna and he only brought her with him after he moved out because Luna couldn't stay in the house alone with the cat and it was better for her to be with him where she didn't have to be crated all the time. So that was a good way to handle it, but that's definitely not the story I was told about him and his bond with Luna. He absolutely loves her more than anything now, but that's just something that there's no need to lie about?

11. He didn't like taking pictures. He said he didn't like his smile. I liked his smile; I still like his smile. It's cute and sweet and him and I always loved seeing it. But I get it, everyone has their issues with themselves. I told him I loved taking pics and that I was just taking them for me- they wouldn't be posted anywhere. He obliged a couple times for selfies and Snapchat filtered pics, but I could tell he didn't want to, so I wouldn't ask- and when we were at his friends' wedding party, there was a lovely floral setup and I wanted a pic together, and he saw the pic I took there by myself and asked if I wanted one of us there together, but I thought I should say no, so that if be compromising with the photo taking and his dislike of photos. I said, do you want a pic? And he said he never wanted to take pics, did I want a pic? And I said it's alright, he'd already been in another pic with me earlier. I was clearly disappointed and he should have just said-- it's fine, give ********* your phone and let's get one. But he said okay and we never got it. And if I had to do that kind of thing forever, I would have absolutely hated it.

12. When we met, he said he wanted to go to Disney with me, and that even though he gets motion sickness, he'd take Dramamine and go on rides with me and he'd be fine. Then another time he said if I could convince his other couple friends to go, me and the girl could go on rides and he and the guy could wait for us and drink 🤦🏽‍♀️. Then another time he said that he probably wouldn't much fun at the parks because he couldn't do anything. I never even asked him again-- these were just things he was bringing up to back out. Disney is my life and if my partner can't- or won't- do park trips with me, what's the point???

13. He said he loved the beach and used to love there and that he goes all the time. Then I told him I love the beach, too! He said that as a school resource officer, it was easy to get time off during the summer when school wasn't in session. I waited. We never went to the beach. He took one day off all summer and that was because his friend came over to spend Friday night with him before a card game competition on Saturday. I only benefited from part of that because I drove up Thursday night (through the worst storm of the year) and we went to the pool for a couple hours on Friday. I thought he did it for me, for us to spend time together... But it turns out, he didn't. He just fit me into something that was already in the works.

14. He didn't have any pet names for me, he didn't really ever compliment me outside of a few times when we first met, or the occasional, "I like those shoes/that dress/your hair like that." He didn't greet me through text with cutesy things, just a couple times when he said "what's cookin good lookin?" And that was it.

15. Presents- this isn't about physical presents, but rather about thoughtfulness and effort being reciprocated. The only presents he ever gotten me were two Build-A-Bears when we were at the mall another time, after the first date BAB plans fell through. We were walking around and the line wasn't super long, so I kind of pushed to go and he tried to avoid it, sort of, but gave in. I got a brown bear with a Captain America suit and R's voice saying "I'm Captain Falcon, huhu." He'd gotten confused once and called Falcon & Winter Soldier Captain Falcon, so that was a little joke we shared. And the laugh was just a cute and silly laugh he'd do. It was adorable. Also got a mermaid bear with a shiny beachy dress because she was as sassy and extra as me! It was so sweet and so fun and I just thought, this is real- I've found someone who gets and accepts me without judgement.

I had given him a matching St. Patrick's day shirt- we wore those together. I special ordered custom "pea in a pod #1" (him) and "pea in a pod #2" (me) shirts because he always said we're two peas in a pod. I tried to get him to wear it, but he said he was saving it for another time and that we'd get pics in them and then it was forgotten and we never wore them together. I took mine every time I visited; it was a staple in my overnight duffel.

I gave him a Grape Soda Ellie Badge Pin (from Pixar's Up) to show him how much I really liked him. I sent him cards in the mail. I got him a huge candle- like a nice $30 candle- because he always had candles lit around his apartment. I got him a beach/pool towel because he would just use a regular bath towel when he went out to the pool. He said he liked mint tea, so I got him a large Epcot Starbucks mug and a container of Starbucks Mint Tea. I gave Luna multiple bags of dog treats and a couple bandanas. I gave him a nice blanket to lay on the couch so Luna could sit on the couch without messing it up- because before that he wasn't letting her on the couch because he said it would ruin the couch. My mom made meals and sent them at least 4 or 5 times. I made cheesecake- his favorite dessert- more times than I can count and took it for him. I also made rice pudding for him when he mentioned that he liked rice pudding. Anything he mentioned or anything I noticed- I was on top of it because I wanted to do things to show him I was listening and I cared. I already had a Christmas present for him and a couple presents for his friends.  They’re still up in my closet. I know he wanted the next Mario Party game for Switch so I was going to get it for him for his birthday, along with a new pair of Crocs because he showed me how his were wearing out at the bottom, but he still kept wearing them. I'm also not working right now and he is working- so if $ is a factor- it's harder on my end for this stuff. I never got flowers- even just a couple. He made dinners for me, but I made dinners for him too. He'd buy us Taco Bell sometimes, but it wasn't like a thoughtful gesture type of thing. I guess he isn't a card writer, so that would have been too much to expect... I always talked about my interests and passions and things that I enjoyed- so I would have been super easy to surprise with something- anything! Maybe like a cupcake from the cupcake shop down the road from him that would be closed by the time I'd arrive in town when I was visiting him. I didn't need anything huge, but he just isn't that type of person- not with me. He'd tell me how he went to this place or that place, because his ex wanted to go to a certain place for New Year's, so they went, or she wanted to check out somewhere else, so they went. And it hurt that I was getting a different side of him than she got- especially considering this was so early on and this was probably the best I'd get from him. One day I noticed that Luna's tags were never updated, so they still had R's number and his ex's number as contacts. I popped her # into Facebook and found her. She seems nice. I wouldn't know. The kids seem like regular kids. She's white. I think I already knew that though. I guess I'm 2 for 2 on being given less than I deserve by a man because I'm brown. It's f*cking hurtful.

16. He didn't brush his teeth after waking up; he'd eat first and that's just something I'm not a fan of. It's like a pet peeve of mine, and I refuse to kiss someone in the morning before we have both brushed our teeth. I did it one time-- I'd already brushed my teeth because I HATE morning breath. He hadn't. We were messing around I guess, and for some reason I just did it. Never again.

17. I never slept through the night with him in his bed. Maybe that was my subconscious telling me something was wrong and I shouldn't be there, but try as I might, I never could. We switched sides once, that helped some, but I was still up throughout the night. I took Benadryl to make me drowsy, it just made me sick. I took Melatonin; it didn't help. I had wine before bed once, it didn't help.  I guess my body was never going to acclimate to it because it was fighting its way out of something it knew it shouldn't be in.

18. He insisted I sign the wedding frame with him at his friends' wedding party (that's what his friends had instead of a guest book.) I told him he should just do it by himself, but he insisted. This seemed like he was telling me that he wanted us to be long term and that I'd be a part of his life and his friends' life for a while. He gave me hope and intentionally/unintentionally misled me into believing that everything was great and that he thought we were a good fit. He did this until he hit me with "I don't think we're a good match" and disappeared. Who pulls a 180 like that?? Rather, what kind of functional adult does something like that? Answer: they don't.

19. He didn't like stand up comedy. None of it, not at all. He said it's too forced. What the hell does that even mean. Everyone likes standup????

20. He wouldn't plan things, because he said his mom would plan vacations and other things down to the hour and that ruined trips for them-- okay I get that. And he has really intense and negative feelings toward his mother- they don't even speak. A lot happened in his family and he has his reasons. He told me about that stuff and it all made sense and he needs to handle those things in a way that's best for him. But he never stuck to plans with us. Everything was always changing. It was stressful to expect to go to the beach and aquarium and then hear, oh were going to the mall instead and tomorrow we'll do that. Then tomorrow it would be, oh we missed the aquarium window so we're just going to go to the beach. Then on the way to the beach, he pulls into a zoo parking lot and now we're at the zoo. This is too much crazy for me and if this is how he does everything... I can't handle it long term.  Or he would say we were going to do things- long term and short term, small things and big things- and I’d get excited about them, but then they’d just never happen and he;d make no effort to make them happen.

21. He's really wasteful. It's kind of a side effect of living along as a single guy and trying to be efficient. He tosses like a few things into the wash or the dryer, doesn't wait for a full load. One time I'm pretty sure he put in two towels and that was it. He only uses his dishwasher, but used almost as much water to rinse off the dishes before he loaded them in the dishwasher as he would to just wash them. He throws out recyclables (not his fault, the apartment is only collecting trash since the pandemic started.) But instead of using like a Brita filter, he just buys shit tons of bottled water.

22. All of his meals consist of the same basic group of foods. Cut up turkey sausage, turkey bacon (half of the time burnt- not crispy, BURNT,) eggs, hot sauce, wonton strips, salad, wontons, beyond meat/shrimp tacos. I didn't love the tacos, but they were the first thing he made me (our first date at his place) and he was so excited about them that I couldn't not love them. He made them again when I met his dad.

23. He wore one of two pairs of shoes all the time. He wore solid polos and khaki shorts or pants anytime we went out. At home, it was athletic shorts and an old Hanes t-shirt (usually a white one, sometimes a black one.) I understand comfort but like... He never tried to look nice for me and I always had multiple outfits with me just in case. He did wear the St. Patrick's day shirt I got for him a couple times.

24. I think he was genuinely bothered by my celebrity crush on Chris Evans. And this isn’t like how I used to be kind of jealous of Taylor Swift when my ex was obsessed with her-- because I knew he was never going to pursue her or walk up to her on the street and leave me for her.  Obviously the same goes for Chris Evans.  I'm not even going to say anything else about this because it's ridiculous.

25. When we met he said he was respectful of people's passions and the things they like because why wouldn't you be? We even talked about how my ex looked down on me for the things I enjoyed.  But I really do feel like he wasn't about my love of Disney or Concerts or beach time... You can never trust men in the beginning. They all just lie until they get what they want and then you see true colors.  Why not support the passions of someone you care about?  What does that take away from you?

To be continued... I need to make myself eat something. Fever didn't come back today so hopefully it's done for real now.