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cynicalchurchgoer · 5 years

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just massive story

Hi, I would really appreciate some third party input (of course from a Biblical perspective) on experiences at my church. I have included the following information for context, and the matter I need help with is determining whether 1) this is a toxic? church environment, 2) whether I took the right step to take a month off from this place to check out other churches, 3) what I can do about my situation in a biblical way.Context:I have gone to this church since I was in sixth grade, and I have accepted Jesus as my Savior and been baptized at this church, under the same pastor (let's call him Pastor Guava). I am now 22, and I have been serving for almost three years now in the high school ministry, served in the children's ministry for three years during high school, and regularly attended Sunday services except for a two year gap in which I was living in my university dormitories. So in total, about 8 years of full attendance at this church. It is a homogenous Presbyterian Korean church.When I was in middle school and high school, I always felt excluded from the main clique-- I would cry after coming home from every retreat that I went on because I would try to sit and have conversations with people, but there was no attempt to connect. Even when I responded to the Pastor Guava's call to become more involved in church, there was still no change in my friendships with my age group. I remembered a moment where I witnessed a girl, let's call her Apple, gossip about another girl in our grade, asking other people if they thought she was weird, and everyone in my grade stopped talking to her-- I later saw her begin to hang out with the grade below us. It sticks in my mind still. I felt like I was seen as a weirdo, and I felt majorly outcast. The only times I had friendly interactions with people were when we were talking about others. One person, let's call her Berry, was friendly with me for hearing her vent about someone. During the small group sharing time, she broke down when she was sharing about her struggles, and I tried to be comforting-- yet I was kind of distant, so the closest place I could reach out to her was her knee, and I rubbed it thinking that would help her feel less alone. I realize now that that could have been seen as socially awkward-- but I was unaware at the time, and after that, the majority of the grade lessened their interactions with me. They didn't invite me to events, like celebrating others' birthdays-- they would switch the times of the service they would go to, going to the opposite one of me, because I tried to be friends with them still-- I started going to 9:30am service, they went to 11:00am service. I switched, they started going to 9:30am service. It was so strange. Berry started only saying hello to the one friend I had, but not to me in the hallways. It happened multiple times, enough times for me to ask her what she thought about it. She responded saying that they might not have seen me, and logged off immediately. I didn't even understand what happened, but I knew I felt upset. Apple and Berry were good friends.I do think what happened during that time helped me cling to God all the more-- I am thankful for it in the end because it helped me not to become too wrapped up into social conformity, social pressures, social standards-- the people I saw there had great concern for being part of the in crowd I suppose. It was also strange because this church places a big emphasis on family connections, and Apple was the daughter of a prominent church member-- so she was known well among the teachers and staff, and became a middle school teacher while still in high school. It bothered me that there was this connections based kind of deal-- even though this person may have been hurting other people, they were deemed mature enough to lead.And so I went through high school feeling uncomfortable there every week, hearing the Pastor Guava say that it's on you to become involved with church community over and over again, but I knew that wasn't the case because of my unsuccessful attempts to do so. It was finally time for college acceptances, and then I was off to college. I made it into the school I had hoped to go ever since I was young-- I was so blessed to meet so many wonderful people, people who really showed me what it means to love each other and serve each other in community and fellowship-- people who understood that Jesus was above it all, Jesus was the one who brought us all together. Jesus loves. Jesus cares. How glorious God is, and the weight of His sacrifice. We were joyously learning and growing and walking together, there was no comparison or inferiority, we supported and shared honestly, there were no petty rivalries or competitions.I began to commute my junior year of university to save what I could because I knew my parents were stressed about the cost of college, especially since my younger sister had been accepted to the same school that year. I wanted to show them that I do care about what they do for me, that I don't take their money and sacrifices lightly, and I wanted to show them they were important to me ultimately. So then I came back to this church, with the intent to serve in the high school ministry that I had felt so much stress in, so that I could help make a difference with the high school students who may have been like me, outcast, alone, and unheard. I also had had a bad relationship my senior year of high school, one that hurt me deeply and traumatized me-- which also motivated me to serve in this age group, since I had no one I could share such pain with-- I wanted to be there for students who may have to experience such difficulties, and I wanted to be used in the ways God wanted me to be there. I wanted to be a listening ear for others like the people who helped me through my struggle had been for me. I wanted to share the love and guidance I was blessed with, essentially.The first two years of being back, I had a few good friends at this church who I could talk to and be myself around. We hung out and shared life together. (They left due to distance about a year ago). Serving in high school ministry was going well-- I was building a lot of connections with quite a few of the students, including my small group. I was learning a lot about myself and my own walk with the Lord through teaching. I got along with many students, and as a result, there were some minor instances of passive aggression from Apple (she had been at church the whole time; as noted before, her family is there), like her hinting towards students only liking me because of the college I went to. I could ignore such remarks as I had enough on my plate to deal with at the time, since I was taking five classes per quarter on top of extracurricular activities and commuting while continuing to upkeep cherished intentional relationships. Yet I often found myself at the butt of her remarks-- at a White Elephant gift exchange we had among college peers, I received some cocoa cans, which I was not necessarily glad about, but trying to be ok with-- and she proclaimed rather loudly, "Look at that reaction!" and moments like those made me uncomfortable briefly-- the purpose of her being excessive about things that were intended to make me feel "shameful" was not lost on me. There was also an instance where I was sharing how upset and discouraged I felt about my relationship with my dad with the other teachers, and I started crying because I felt really strained-- and then she shared right after how lonely she felt at church, and she started crying as well. I tried to respond to her, but to what I said, she said she knew already. After, I went up to her in an effort to be in community with her in response to her struggle, and she talked about how she didn't have a boyfriend-- to which I felt bothered that she was concerned about her own issues, but I simply said I also did not. I ultimately went on with my life.During the first year of serving in the high school ministry, I also met a teacher who happened to be my ex-boyfriend's cousin-- and on the topic of his cousin, I got to express the pain I had felt during and after my relationship with him. We became friends, and I eventually met his girlfriend, who we'll call Citrus-- and she seemed to be nice at first. We had gone on a wilderness leadership outing, and we had some brief conversations in which she asked me about myself and how I enjoyed college. I thought I could share life with her, but whenever we were alone together, she would immediately shut me down and tell me that my life was not that bad, while hers was much worse. I ended up praying for her despite sharing my struggles during a high school summer retreat, but I still tried to be her friend. During the winter retreat this year in January, she asked me if I had had a boyfriend before. I told her that I have, and that it was actually her boyfriend's cousin. She acted surprised and asked how old I was. I told her, 21. She then asked me when my birthday was. I replied, and she acted as if I were lying about my age, stating that I was actually going to be 22 and that her boyfriend's cousins were "babies." She then asked me which one I dated, and I told her the older one (who was clearly in the same grade as I was). She said that that was good, since if I had dated the younger one (who was two years younger than me) that would have been extremely weird since he was a "super baby." I didn't know how to reply to such a remark, so I simply asked her to not tell anyone because I didn't want anyone knowing the identity of my ex. She then asked me why it was such a big deal, and I told her that he was just a terrible person. She then proceeded to reply, "If he was terrible, then why did you date him then?" Which blew me away-- the difficulties I had endured about my identity and self-worth were trivialized by someone who had told me about her past toxic ex-boyfriends less than an hour ago. I told her that no one really knows until you date them, and I left. I was upset and reached out to Apple-- another girl we will call Durian came along-- and I was able to explain my unsettled and emotional state. They supported me in this, and I was thankful for a time-- this was the friendliest Apple had ever been, so I thought it was a step towards a peer friendship. After this retreat, I asked Apple if she wanted to meet up weekly to share life together, and she agreed. Yet whenever I talked to her, I ended up asking her about her life mostly, with brief inputs about mine. She never asked, and I wasn't sure to take it as her not knowing how to be friends or her not wanting to know. One week, I told her I couldn't meet, and she replied to me saying that she already had plans with her friend she was investing in. I felt as if this friend took more precedence over me, despite me asking to meet regularly-- and it told me it wasn't like she didn't care about people, with the amount of effort she took to reach this person. During our talks, she misinterpreted my struggle with masturbation to be a desire for attention, which extremely bothered me because I thought I had clearly articulated that it was a struggle with knowing that God still loves me despite my sin and wrongful behavior. It made me feel like she thought I was just an attention seeker before I told her about it, and that she was exerting strong confirmation bias. Another time, we took our love language tests, and my top result was quality time. She asked if that was why I hung out with her, because she gave great quality time-- and that was an insanely weird moment for me because as I mentioned before, during our meetups, we hardly talked about much besides herself. I didn't reply because I didn't want to be like, "No."Durian was upset that Apple and I were meeting as she wanted to be part of it, but I was confused because I knew she was in class at the time of our meetings-- I knew it wasn't possible for her. We began a book study group with the three of us though, and it went for a little-- but I was the only one initiating discussions or reminding them to read. I stopped, and no one initiated it again. I even had been following up with them on their applications and such, but no one was really replying. Our discussions were somewhat strange as well-- when we shared takeaways, Apple shared hers, and immediately after would say that it was a deep insight, which Durian would confirm. It told me that there was insecurity, but I didn't think too much of it. I thought that God would be able to work in that over time. I also remember Apple was having a particularly bad day, and then I called her late at night so we could talk about it. She had talked to the pastor and the pastor's wife about how she felt really bad about herself those days, I think because of the book study insecurities-- and a particular friendship she was anxious about. I was listening to her and affirming her, when all of a sudden she asked me how long my commute to school was. I then told her it's usually an hour going one way-- to which she responded that it wasn't that bad, that she thought it was two hours. I told her it can be when traffic gets bad, but I was ultimately thankful that it was a bus I commuted on-- but she was quiet. I didn't understand why she felt the need to tell me that my life was not that bad, especially when it was draining to commute early and late at night every day. Especially if she herself was not experiencing such a commute every day. Apple, Durian, and I went to Disneyland one day. Durian had initiated the get together-- she had asked me what I had wanted to do, and I suggested Universal Studios, but she didn't seem to like that option and said that I wanted to go because I had a season pass. She suggested Disneyland, which Apple had a season pass to at the time, and so we planned to go. Durian had been kind of tense around me I think because I had confronted her about her attitude towards her younger sister-- she never shared anything positive about her. The night before we went, I asked them how the retreat had been that they went on together, and after a brief group talk, we decided to watch Netflix. Apple suggested "The Office," which Durian opposed. We ran through some suggestions, some of which some of us had watched already, and Durian suggested Korean dramas, to which Apple replied that I didn't like them. I made some non-serious suggestions that I thought would lighten the atmosphere, like "The Great British Baking Show." It went unheard, or ignored. They were still searching for something, so I said "Shrek," and Apple turned to me saying that it was a bad movie because it had the word "ass." I said that a lot of Disney movies have inappropriate references too, and she asked "Like what?" I named the example where Syndrome implies that Mr. and Mrs. Incredible get "busy" in "The Incredibles" and Apple replied that it wasn't that bad. Durian proceeded to laugh at me like the way she does at her friend that she considers to be wrong a lot, and I felt rather uncomfortable. We went back to finding movies, and I suggested the documentary Blue Planet, and they ignored me again. I realized that my suggestions were unwelcome, and I didn't necessarily care about the choice, so I went on my phone. Then Durian told me to get off my phone, and Apple asked me what I wanted to watch. Durian told me to say what I wanted, which irritated me immensely because they were acting as if I wasn't saying anything before, and I said I had been saying stuff before. They then asked me what again, and I said I didn't care, but they kept asking as if they were talking to a sullen, spoiled kid. Apple asked if I watched "Legally Blonde" before, and I said no. She said she thought I would like it, and we watched it-- what irritated me way more was that "Legally Blonde" had way more vulgarity than "Shrek," but I had been put down for making such a "bad" suggestion. Then we just went to bed after watching it. I was dreading Disneyland the next day because I felt that it would be that way the whole day. I was quiet on the way there because I felt rather shut down-- they asked where people wanted to go, but I said I didn't have a preference. They began to be quiet too, and a lot of the time they would only be talking to each other in the lines, where the person in the middle would turn their back on me. Even when I tried to ask about the Pinnochio ride's line length in the Peter Pan line, Apple would flat out ignore me or Durian would say that all the lines were the same. I only spoke if spoken to. Apple asked me what I wanted for lunch and I said I didn't care-- especially because Disneyland food was all the same to me, overpriced and with the same tasting food. Apple looked mad and walked away, with Durian rolling her eyes to the side and telling me to just choose. I was stunned, and it told me that that was what they thought I was mad about. We rode Peter Pan, and Apple took us to the side after to ask us what we were doing next. She stared directly at me and didn't ask Durian. Durian asked me if I wanted to eat now, and I said I didn't have a preference-- she asked me again, asking if I wanted to eat a lot then and eat a little later, or a little then and a lot later-- I was so weirded out by this question, and I replied I didn't have to eat then, but I could have if they wanted to-- and it depended on how hungry I was anyway, whether I ate a little then or a little later. They looked irritated-- and I was getting more irritated at this point, wondering how I ought to bring it up. They decided to go get kebabs, so we went; while we were eating, I asked them if they thought I was upset because of last night, and Durian said no, she didn't even notice, but she couldn't speak for Apple. Apple said nothing, but she just looked at me. I asked them why they were behaving that way only towards me about the food, and Durian said that she just wanted to give me the option since I hadn't been there in a while. I responded by saying that I had a 3day pass, so it didn't even matter anyway, and she just said that it was true. I still sensed tension from Apple, so at another point where we were waiting for Durian to come back with fast passes, I tried to address it again by saying that I was upset because I felt shut down the night before, to help her know what the issue was. She said sorry, and at that point, Durian came back, asking what brought the conversation up again-- and I told her that I was upset the night before because I felt shut down, but Durian interrupted me asking if I was upset because I didn't get to choose. I told her no, because I felt really shut down and invalidated-- I didn't have to watch a particular thing, and then she said sorry, she didn't even notice-- then she immediately blamed me for not saying anything and told me to say something in the moment. Apple was quiet the entire time, and I didn't feel like anything had been resolved at all. Like, if you were really sorry, wouldn't you try to change it instead of throwing it back at me? Then we kept going, and throughout the day it was just them being really considerate of each other, with Apple complaining that people don't buy her food but she's always buying other people food-- despite telling me that we were celebrating my birthday-- I came out of the bathroom to see Apple and Durian talking about something, but changing the subject when they saw me. I found a Buffalo Wild Wings card on the floor and gave it to a little boy nearby, and Durian asked me why I didn't give it to them. At the end of the day, Durian asked everyone if they had fun, and when I said yes after Apple, Durian made a remark about my response sounding "unconvincing." I confronted Durian and asked her why she said that, and she said she didn't know-- then she said she thought it sounded like a subdued yeah. Durian then bought boba for herself, Apple, her sister, and her sister's boyfriend-- everyone except me. Durian also stuck her foot out on the chair so that I couldn't sit next to her, but she removed it when Apple came out. I've never seen them the same way ever since. They're good friends now. I feel insanely uncomfortable being around them.At the high school summer retreat, Apple and I worked together on creating a mad lib theater scene for the high schoolers to perform. I came up with two out of four of the ideas, Apple came up with one, Eggplant came up with one, and I prepared the cue cards with Eggplant. Later, Apple said she wanted to perform one I wrote, and I was fine with taking the other one I wrote. Apple informed Eggplant who was doing what, and seeing Eggplant's expression, she asked if he wanted to do the one she was doing. He said no, but I noticed that she didn't even ask me which one I wanted to do-- like, it was no problem taking what she wanted from me, but she can clearly be considerate when she wants to be. Then, at the time of the performance, Apple told me I had to go to the teacher's meeting-- when I got there, the pastor asked me what I was doing there because they were doing the mad libs for the kids during the teacher's meeting. I told him that Apple told me to come there, and he said that I have to go and tell her I want to be part of it. I went back, and she told me she had forgotten I was a part of it. I dismissed it, but when we got to the stage, she went first, Eggplant went second, I was supposed to go third-- Eggplant told everyone that Apple came up with the idea she was performing, and she didn't say that it was actually me-- then she kept insisting she fill in all the words and hold up all the cue cards while I just sat on stage. Time passed quickly, and Eggplant said we should skip mine so that the pastor could perform the last skit-- after which she turned to me, speaking as if I were a five year old child, "Sorry you don't get to act." I said it was okay, but I felt insanely uncomfortable with the tone and the fact that she was saying it in front of the whole audience. I think it's possible she meant well, but it didn't bide well with how she didn't give credit to me / acted as if she forgot I was part of the skit project when there were only three people involved.During the same retreat, Apple was making encouragement cards with Grape, and I asked them if I could have a green color if there were any. Apple told me that that was selfish, and I responded, "Well, if it's my card..." to which Grape replied that it was true. Apple told me that there were no green cards, which wasn't a big deal-- and then Grape got a white card and lettered my name in green ink, which I really appreciated. Later, I was talking to Grape, and then Apple got in between us, interrupting us-- but I continued what I was saying, and Apple looked irritated. Apple moved Grape along a little past me, to get me walking behind them, and Apple told Grape that working was harder than studying, loud enough for me to hear-- Apple knew I was studying for the MCAT at the time, while she had just finished their first week of work. They sat down, and Apple told me to sit on the other side of her, making her in the middle. I kept standing because I didn't really want to sit next to her. I was tired of her trying to one up me all the time.Apple's mother also makes pointed statements about me not working or making any money after graduating-- which is weird because I am, just not a full time occupation. I think it's an attack on my education, to make Apple feel better about not making it into this school. Apple's mother also became legalistic towards me when I had a drink with me in the main sanctuary, saying that I was not allowed to have that in there. Yet Apple had also brought a drink in the main sanctuary along with me, but threw it out before her mother could catch her. Yet no one mentioned this rule to me, especially Apple. They both acted as if I should have known that all along. At the end of service, the mother asked an odd question: “Are you staying at home?” instead of “Are you going home now?” I responded, “I am living at home, yes.” She said, “Oh, so you are living at home.” I was thinking I could stand this community as long as I have a peer I can share life with, but I have been wondering whether this church just attracts certain people. Especially because recently, a new pastor (Pastor Honeydew) and his wife, who I will call Fig, have been brought in. One Wednesday service, Pastor Honeydew was attending. He had just finished giving me feedback about my teaching, and I went outside to collect my things. Pastor Honeydew came out after me, and Apple asked Pastor Honeydew if he wanted to go with her and a few students to go get popcorn chicken. I was right next to her, but she didn't ask me to go with them. I would never invite myself because I would feel rude, and I would look desperate. So I just left-- Apple and I had not talked for a while; I stayed in the parking lot, talking to a few students until they left. Then Apple and Pastor Honeydew came down, simply saying bye-- I do not blame Pastor Honeydew for not knowing. I strongly feel like Apple clearly knew what she was doing.Fig was friendly in the beginning. She asked to meet, and I was thankful for a while. Yet, I was talking to Fig after adult service one Sunday about one of my small group girls I had been anxious over, and Apple, who had intentionally excluded me, came over to insert herself in the conversation. I felt super awkward because I remembered how I felt when she intentionally excluded me, and the fact that I didn't want to share anything about my life with someone like this. Apple made eye contact with me, asking if she could sit with us, and Fig looked at me and at Apple, saying sure-- while Apple quickly said "No? Okay" and left, while I had not done or said anything. I feel that without context, the whole thing made me look like I was playing some kind of game, which I absolutely abhor. I saw that Apple would always talk to Fig a lot afterwards, and always ask Fig or Pastor Honeydew to hang out on Sundays or Wednesdays, but she had never once done that with me even when I was friends with her. So she and Apple are really close now; Fig always says that Apple is the best.Recently, Apple has been studying for her CPA exam and now she won't stop talking about it. When I was studying for the MCAT, she never cared, and I'm sure she judged me for it. Apple also complains about it being an expensive exam, even though she's getting reimbursed for it in the end. Then they said they were thinking about getting ANOTHER Disney annual pass, which is half the cost of the exam they are getting reimbursed for. Those are way more expensive...Fig recently has become really hostile and I can't help but feel even worse-- On Friday, at the high school Christmas party, there was this moment of tension where she was sharing about a bad experience she had with a White Elephant gift exchange because she had the #2– and I also shared that last year I got a later number but I still got the item I wanted stolen from me. I thought we would share a laugh over it, and I said it with the intention of showing that the bad experience can come for all numbers.She didn’t take it that well– after a moment, she turned to me and quickly asked me, “Couldn’t you have stolen it back? There’s a cap to the steal amount.” I was surprised. Why was she even questioning that; if I could have, I would have. The limit was two steals per item, and I had already stolen it once– the person who stole it from me was the second steal. I explained it to her and she just nodded, but she still looked irritated. I couldn’t figure out why.Yesterday, she asked me if my sister and I had plans for Christmas. We said we thought we were going to stay home for break, and she said she was too. I also made a venture to make conversation, saying that we hadn’t even set up our artificial tree yet. She replied, “We don’t even have a tree.” I said, “Aww..” and she kept talking about how she didn’t think they would get a tree unless they had kids. I nodded and didn’t know what to really say– why would she make that a competition? I was thinking of a question to ask and then she asked if we were going to go to retreat, and I said “I think I have to see where I am with the MCAT…” but while I was saying it, she started talking over me and said “Oh you have to see where you’re at with your test,” and after I finished talking, she said “Yeah a lot of people have a lot going on right now” and I felt that it was a weird response. Why wouldn’t you even ask how that’s going for me and act like it isn’t really abnormal… I know that Fig has been really encouraging about Apple's exam.This was so different from how she talked to me before. I can’t help but think there has been gossip exchanged somewhere. Like every time I share about myself, she shuts me down now. She suddenly became really disinterested in getting to know me / do things together and I can’t help but feel even more estranged– am I doing something wrong? I brought up small bits of this to Pastor Guava, and I get the feeling he told Apple how I have been feeling at church because he told her that I did not get a job I recently applied for, but he had been the only one I told. He also had frequently let Apple sit in on conversations I've had with him or asked if she could come along, and it really bothers me that he does that. She recently told me she hates church politics, and I stated that I felt the same way. Yet... ??? I feel like this whole thing is political. So far, I have confronted Apple about Disneyland and Citrus about her hurtful behavior about my past relationship. I have tried to meet with Durian in the past, but she told me she was busy and hasn't replied with an instance in which she was free. Apple and Citrus have said sorry, but I have not seen changes in their actions or efforts in their friendships with me. Durian has constantly made passive aggressive remarks whenever she talks to me. She especially acts friendly towards my sister, while making "jokes" that I am immature and that my sister is better than me. Durian is also weirdly competitive towards me, since we are both in charge of the same grade of girls, during different service times. I can understand since I am friends with all her students, but still, I strongly feel that we should be joyous and cherish each other well since the common cause is glory to God ultimately, not to ourselves.

#personal

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