#i was driving back from my new place either today or yesterday and couldn't stop smiling

[kate-apologist]

.

[dopaminergicaddictions]

3/12/24

11:13 p.m Updated

So I made it to my testosterone shot thankfully, as yesterday I was 10 minutes late to my doctor appt and they made me reschedule. If I lose my primary care I'm going to have so many issues between my insomnia script and my biweekly testosterone shot. I'm really thankful I got there with 5 minutes to spare.

I also lost track of time yesterday bc I've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off and I was 20 minutes late to my appt with Mike... he texted me and offered me 6:30 after I didn't show up for 6. I showed up at 6:27 and he didn't show up... I waited 27 minutes... either way today I made my obligations. I met with Mike too for the first time in like a month. After yesterday him leaving me hanging and pretending not to get my texts. I prob shouldn't see him but what am I supposed to do? Danielle was all about countertransference.... and finding a therapist as a transguy is tough. I write it in my emails and I can send 10 and only one person responds to me so whatever, it is what it is.

I called Eye Doctors around town and 2 out of 3 said they measure each eye individually. The other said both at the sametime. I called my eye doctor, I lied and said I got their script from an online eye wear place and I got headaches... I said it could either be the script or that the glasses were made incorrectly. Luckily my insurnace will cover a retest within 30 days of getting your script. I'm scheduled for the 19th and I will make sure they do both eyes separately before I take my ray bans off hold. And I'll update the script with the accurate test results. For now I'll just wear my distance glasses. I'm going to keep them bc of the shape and style for gaming and driving... if I got them updated as progressives they would be 304$ cause they won't let you pick clear lenses in this frame, you got to pick transitions and the most expensive one... it's ridiculous cause I love these frames... so my ray bans will be progressive pending my new test on Tuesday....

I worked on a few things I've been putting off, I called my capture card place and gamestop. The capture card place will replace it refurbished but only give me a month warranty as I am officially out of warranty but I called in December and it saved my ass. I called game stop and my warranty for the same capture card ended March 9th. Psychosis and my circadian rhythm make accomplishing things very difficult.... The manager at gamestop sent an email to try to remedy the situation as I went in store in December and tried to replace it or get a refund. I have a 2 year warranty that just expired. I explained that I have psychosis and I've been having issues getting stuff done. He is going to try to replace it or give me my 79$ back.. it would be more ideal... as a refurbished with a month warranty isn't ideal... but I have one of two options. I have to wait until Monday to hear back from Gamestop before I make the decision to either send it back to EVGA or accept whatever gamestop will give me.

I had months to call and I couldn't cause I'm always overwhelmed and stressed because I have to simulate my auditory cortex with pod casts or mindless TV like The Simpsons with heavy dialogue just to not hear the voice. I used to work in silence... like to focus I would sit in complete silence and do my stuff. Now I must always have constant chatter on in the background to avoid hearing the voice... hearing how repetitive it is drives me crazy. However listening to mindless chatter in the background even as I write this drives me crazy cause I can't focus the way I want to.

Not to mention I have constant doctor appts and a fucked circadian rhythm. I generally have 1 hours and 30 minutes a day with the time I wake up... and if a doctors appt is during that time which i have therapy 3 days a week. It gives me like 20 minutes to call a place.

I really want to kill myself after reading about recovery rates. I'm considered in remission... "Remission" is defined as symptomatic but functioning in a social/occupational/taking care of yourself type of way. Basically it's someone who hallucinates, but is firmly gripped in reality. You can't be delusional... and you have to be able to take care of yourself, shower, eat, cook, shop, drive, make appts, have fulfilling social relationships, have a job etc...

I don't have a job and likely never will. If I could stop having ocd I'd work with kids. I'd be able to do it with the voice. I can't with my ocd and psychosis. Either way I am in remission as I meet all criteria.

Remission is depressing and when you look at graphs, a lot of people are in Remission...

Recovery is a different beast.. it's having no symptoms. When you look at these charts, my percentage of actually not hallucinating one day is about 24% in 6 months, 26% in 12 months, 39% in 24 months. It doesn't seem promising.

I have "fulfilling" relationships. It's funny. When you have friends and you're single, you feel more alone. Hanging out with Charlotte Saturday, Marcy after Charlotte left (cause I didn't get a real birthday party), hanging out with John Monday over mic playing FC4 was not fulfilling. I hallucinated much less but I felt alone. They all have partners. I'm lacking companionship. I'm lacking someone to hug, hold hands with, share all my most intimate secrets with, someone to trust to have always be there for me.

I've been in support groups for voice hearers and everyone is more crazy than me. Everyone has schizophrenia and schizoaffective, etc. They see more, hear more and are all on antipsychotics.. most have tardive dsykinesia. No one is like me. I'm the odd one out who has to be sensitive about antipsychotics bc everyone is on them. Everyone is eccentric. I feel like I don't belong.

I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like my chance to recover could take anywhere from 3 years to 10 years and I may never not hallucinate.... it may be that I am in remission for the rest of my life... I will never take antipsychotics I don't want negative symptoms, movement disorders, seizures, and I don't want to have 30% of my life shortened....

So here I stand, in remission. Wondering if full recovery is possible when I feel so fucking unfulfilled with everything I have in my life. No one likes my face enough on these dating apps to even get to know me..

As i talked to John. Marcy. Charlotte I felt this hollowing aloneness. I'm not like you. You have fulfillment. You don't have secrets that will make sure no one ever loves you or stays. You're not like me.

Until I find a partner I'm going to feel this way. Which I likely won't.

Until I actually recover I will never feel at peace. If Kristen keeps her license I'm actually going to commit suicide.

If Kristen does lose her license if my life doesn't get more fulfilling I'm going to kill myself.

I don't think there is any point in fighting. Yet I keep doing it and idk why.

All I know is I have to report Kristen before I end my life. She doesn't get to take mine without at least having a red mark on her perfect record.

Antipsychotics aren't even considered on this chart cause 99.99% take them... and I won't. But yea it's pretty disappointing. I'm depressed and I don't see much of a point in trying. I got to at least submit my paperwork before I do it.

I don't believe in soulmates. I don't believe there is someone out there for me. I don't believe I'll be anything or even have a somewhat satisfying relationship with anyone.

Once I get news of kristen license I'm ending my life. Especially if she gets to keep it. But idk how many more disappointing months I can live like this. I've talked to 2 people who had thc induced psychosis who didn't take antipsychotics they heard a voice the whole time and recovered within 1 year and 6 months that's all I got for research from people like me.

[multifandom-girlie]

𝐓𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧

Imagine requested by @theshyprincess​: Your his girlfriend and he is trying to train you to be a hunter but the sexual tension becomes too much

Pairings: Jeremy x Reader

Warnings: Smut

Do you know what it's like to have a undeniably good looking, incredibly strong vampire Hunter boyfriend ? No. Well let me explain it. It's like that sweet boy you date in highschool that's had sex alot but still asks if your okay continously all through out having sex with him. Yes it's sweet but it get's a little annoying after a while. That is what me and Jeremy are like. He's the sweetest guy on the earth but he's so overprotective. I mentioned the fact it was a little irritating him being so protective all the time and luckily it went well for me.

4 Months Ago-

“Jer ?”

“Yes baby ?”

“I just wanted to talk.”

“Okay..?”

“It's nothing bad, don't worry.”

“Okay. Stopped worrying, what's up ?”

“You know we promised when we first started dating how we would always be honest with each other about how we felt ? Even if it's how we make eachother feel ?”

“Yes..? Y/N, have I upset you or something ? I'm starting to worry again.”

“Jer, stop..it’s nothing bad. It's just that your really overprotective.”

“Well yeah, I know I'm a little protective over you but that's just cause I love you and I would do anything for you.”

“No Jer, you don't understand. Your too protective, sometimes yes it's very cute. You know when you get protective in front of other men but when you stop me going out the house after certain hours or how I always have too be around you. You literally stand outside the door when I'm peeing. I'm not saying I don't appreciate, I do. It's nice to know someone cares so much, but sometimes it's too much. I need my own space. You know I love being around you but I'm going crazy Jer.”

“That was alot to hear. I'm sorry Y/N but I didn't know I was so bad. It's just I care about you alot and you know why I'm so worried all the time. I'm a Hunter you know I can protect myself, you can't.”

“Well how about we make a deal ?”

“It depends.”

“If you let me have my own space, you know let me hang with people who aren't you all the time and dump my curfew....I will train with you, like you wanted me to months ago. I will activate my Hunter gene.”

“You promise you'll actually train ? Your won't just say this, so you can go for girls night or hang with Stefan ? You will actually train, if I back off a little ?”

“Yes, of course not and yes.”

“Okay. Deal.”

“Deal, I love you Jer !”

Present Time-

So here we were in the woods, getting ready for another session. We’ve been having 4 hour sessions with 3 five minute breaks...everyday for the last 4 months. I'm glad we are sticking to the deal. You know he has backed off, I've been for a year's worth of girl's nights already and me and Stefan even went on a road trip and couple times, without Jeremy. 

The only down side to sticking to the deal though was we weren't really as lovey dovey as usual. We haven't had many dates or movie nights. All our conversations are either us arguing-which although is very rare, it still happens-or it's talking about our sessions or what he's going to train me to do next. Also I think I'm going crazy. I love him for doing all this but god I'm so frustrated. We haven't had sex in 4 months and it's bloody killing me.

I'm just glad that our anniversary is approaching because I'm hoping he will halt for one day. I guess we'll see.

Anyway so last session there was a bit of a problem when we got home yesterday my pants ripped as I was putting them on...so I had to wear an old pair of joggers, let me tell you now it was scorching. It was not good, so after our session I showered and headed to the mall with Caroline. Who helped me find some new gym wear that wouldn't rip because my ass and hips were to big to fit into my bloody pants. I also decided to get a new sports bra aswell because my other ones too tight anyway.

Yesterday-

“How are you and Jeremy then ? Are the sessions going well ?”

“Yeah they are actually but that's the only thing that is.”

“What are you talking about ? Oh sweetie, no, I can smell the frustration all over you.”

“I haven't had sex in 4 months Care.”

“Omg sweetie. Oooo, I know what we can do. Get the sexiest gym wear we can find. See if that will make him lose concentration. If he doesn't even flinch, you need to tell him. There's no way he can look at you and not want to shag you.”

“Shag ? Care I think you've been hanging out at the Mikaelsons too much.”

“Shut up.”

15 minutes later-

“This is perfect !”

Present time- 

I changed into my new outfit I got. I'm going to be so pissed if he doesn't take the fucking hint.

I went outside to the car and we drove off. Jeremy didn't even spare me a glance. God he's lucky if I don't “accidently” punch him today. We got out the car and he immediately go into position. I jogged over. Nothing. 

Obviously I'm not going to make the cut for Baywatch anytime soon.

We walked towards eachother and I threw a punch only for it to be dodged. He grabbed my wrist and span me around so my back was to his chest, I elbowed him and jumped on his back surprising him. He fell on his stomach but lifted himself up, even with me straddled on his back. He flipped so I was on my back and held me down. At this point I knew he was distracted, he could taste the tension just as much as I could but I was determined to win this. So whilst he was admiring how submissive I most likely looked under him.  

With my knees bent, I flattened my feet on the ground. My hand gripped his hips and I thrusted my hips upwards. He flew forward and caught himself by propping his hands up above my head. I still had a tight hold of his hips and I twisted my own, so I could thread my knees in-between his legs. I wrapped my legs around him and rolled us over, so I was now on top.

Now I couldn't hide the smirk on my face, showing I was proud of myself. He had a proud grin on his face, that was the first time getting out from under him-minus in bed-and it wasn’t using a technique he taught me. I just thought it was a logical solution. 

His eyes projecting his admiration and mass of lust into mine. His hands reached up to cup my face and pulled me down into a loving kiss. As I pulled away, he caught sight of my breasts peeping out my bra. I felt one of his hand loosen on my hips and trail up my body. I grabbed his wrist pushed it away and walked to the car. As soon as I was about the open my door, I was grabbed and pushed against the back door behind mine. 

My breath caught in my throat, a little surprised at the action. He leaned down and kissed me on the lips ravenously. I wrapped my arms around his neck whilst one of his were raising my legs from the ground. I clenched them around his waist and tangled my feet together. Now above him a little, I continued to kiss him whilst tugging on the short locks of his mousy hair. 

He still had a strong hold of me as he stepped back and felt around the door for the handle. When he found it he jerked the handle and opened the door with ease. He gently laid me down in the back seats and got in closing the door.

I hoisted myself up and perched on his lap. He leaned in but instead of kissing my swollen lips again he bombarded my neck with sloppy kisses. He directed his mouth to my collar bone and starting sucking slightly aswell as kissing. I threw my head back in pleasure and huffed quietly. He then moved to my boobs and started to kiss the tops of them and down my cleavage before peeling my bra off and circling my nipples with the tip of his younger and gradually enveloping them with his mouth. 

I felt that he wasn't undressed enough for my liking so I lifted his shirt off his body over his head and threw it beside us. I will never get enough of this man's body. Damn. He placed his hands on my ass but a couple seconds later pulled away from my boobs.

“When di-how is it th-woah.”

I giggled a little and started blushing a little. 

“It’s thanks to your workouts.”

He grinned and tugged the waistband of my pants but struggled to slip them off my ass. I pulled them off myself, since I knew he didn't want to break them. He saw my white thong and groaned whilst throwing his head back. I giggled and pulled down the elastic waist shorts he had on. I palmed him through his boxers, earning a slight puff. I smirked and pulled down his boxers, down to his ankles.

I kissed up his thigh closer to his thick cock. A slight breath brushing his member. My lips hovering around the tip of cock and gradually wrapping around them, gently tightening the grip. 

The moisture of my lips making it easier to inhale is big member. The nib of my tongue orbiting the head of his penis and whilst doing so gathering the pre cum, he'd let discharged. I continued this action for a couple of minutes before driving his whole cock down my throat. I did this repeatedly for a minute or so. The head hitting my throat with every jolt.

He was getting closer and closer, I could tell because of the giddy pulsation his cock was performing in my mouth. He couldn't help but nudge his hips in my mouth a little more so I could finish him off. After he started that process my little hand began to pump the base of his cock whilst my tongue was toying with the tip. Instantaneously, a smooth white liquid shot down my throat.

I lifted myself up a bit and let him taste himself on my lips. He ripped the white thong I had on but apologised straight after. I giggled and kissed him lovingly again. I raised myself a little and positioned myself comfortably on top of him. His pink tip stroking my clit in upwards motions before seeking my entrance and slipping himself in.

I bit my lip and threw my head back in pleasure. Whereas his head fell into my chest and groaned. I started to raise myself and rapidly force myself back down again. Once he was fully encased in side of me, I hoisted myself up and forced myself back down getting faster and faster with every movement. 

Steam painting the windows. The heat compelling us to break a sweat. The moans, groans and slapping of skin the single things to be heard for miles. My own pace was becoming moderate, I didn't know how long I could keep going for especially since the work out we did not 15 minutes before.  He could undoubtedly sense that I was lacking energy, most likely because of the early start each morning too. So to murder the sense of guilt he was feeling, he grabbed a tighter hold on my hips and rammed his hips in an upwards motion. Pounding into me relentlessly.

“I’m so close Jer !”

“Go on baby.”

I promptly delivered my juices at a rapid speed. They drizzled down his dense cock and chased his second orgasm down. It didn't take long before he unleashed his orgasm. We sat there for a minute or two.

“I love you Y/N.”

“I love you Jer.”

Nothing could be more perfect in that moment.

Except that was truly wrong. 

No protection.

He didn't pull out.

We are both human.

Shit.

MASTERLIST

[theunlabeledbitch]

Stuck Together pt. 9

[NOTE: Long chapter up ahead. Includes link for a song that is essential to the plot.]

---

"I'm sorry baby but this is really important."

Denali frowned as she watched Rosé pack her bag. They were supposed to go on a date the next day but to Denali's dismay, her girlfriend cancelled at the last minute.

Rosé had to meet with some people and will be staying for at least three days to finish some work. The past month had been very hectic for the both of them; they hadn't seen each other a lot due to the conflict in their schedules and for their date to get cancelled was almost heartbreaking for Denali. She had been looking forward to it since the day they marked their calendars for it. 

It wasn't that she didn't understand Rosé. It was just, she couldn't understand why the universe decided to spoil their date with work. 

"I'll be back before you know it." Rosé's voice broke Denali's train of bitter thoughts. She felt a quick peck on her lips before Rosé walked past her. Unsatisfied by the half-hearted kiss she received, she reached out to pull Rosé by the hand, crashing their lips together. Not a moment later, Denali heard the bag hit the floor and felt Rosé arms wrap around her waist. Denali deepened the kiss, before moving down to Rosé's neck to leave a mark. Rosé moaned at the sensation, barely keeping her thoughts intact as Denali pulled away, glaring at her. 

"You better not be meeting anyone else behind my back or else…" the younger threatened. 

"Or else what?" Rosé taunted, raising an eyebrow. Denali stared angrily at her for a while before beginning to pout. 

"Or else I will cry and no one can ever make me stop," she finally said, now fully sulking at Rosé. The latter's lips formed into a smile before placing not one but two delicate pecks on Denali's lips. 

"I would never dare look at anyone else, baby, I promise you that." 

Denali sighed before wiping the frown off her face. "Fine. Just...call me when you can okay?" She looked sadly at Rosé who gave a quick nod. After one final embrace, Rosé picked up her bag and went on her way, leaving Denali to feel all alone.

After taking a shower, Denali grabbed one of Rosé's shirts from the closet and threw it on, basking in the familiar scent of the woman she missed. This wasn't the first time Rosé had to work away for a couple of days but it felt like it was. She climbed onto the bed and curled up in a ball, burying her nose into the sleeves of the shirt until she fell deep into slumber. 

Denali spent the next day drowning herself with work just so she could take her mind off of Rosé's absence and their cancelled date. It was a successful ruse---until she got home. Immediately, the house felt empty, knowing that Rosé wasn't coming back that night. She thought about giving Rosé a call but she decided against it because she thought that the less interruptions she makes, the quicker Rosé would finish her work and come home. Instead, she dialled the number of the person she knew could give her the most comfort she needed. 

"Hi, mom." Denali almost sobbed when she heard her mother reply from the other side of the line. 

"Hey, pumpkin! How are you?" 

Denali flopped down on the couch, sighing deeply. "I'm...not so okay," she said truthfully.

"Why?" Her mom's worried voice sounded. "Did something happen?"

Denali shook her head as if her mother could see her. "No," she replied. "I just...Maybe it's just me but I feel like Rosé and I are going downhill." She heard her mother sigh but say nothing, a sign that the other was waiting for her to continue. "We've been quite busy with work and we were supposed to go on a date today but she cancelled. We've been planning for it since a couple of weeks back but at the last minute she said she had to meet some clients and not just that, she has to leave for three days!" 

Denali was fuming by the time she finished her sentence. She didn't realize this angered her so much until she said all of that. "Whoa, pumpkin, calm down," came the loving voice from the other side of the line. There was a moment of utmost silence before Denali's mother continued. 

"How about, you invite her over for the weekend?" she said. "Maybe it's finally time for you to introduce her to us?" She could sense Denali's hesitation. 

"Look, sweetie, relationships need work. If you want to make this work then you have to try a bit more. You can drive down here on Friday night after your work, and we can have supper together and then breakfast before your dad and I leave for his highschool reunion. We won't be back until Sunday night so you girls have the house to yourselves for at least a whole day. Y'all can do whatever you want. Just don't forget to clean up and change the bedsheets." 

"Mom!" Denali exclaimed, blushing at her mom's final statement. She heard her mother laugh and then, she realized that maybe she was this angry because she was also sexually frustrated. She thought maybe they could do it that night but no, cancelled. "Fine," she finally agreed. "I'll talk to her about it when she returns. If she cancels again, that's it. I'm going to cry."

"Can't break up with her, can you?" her mother teased. 

"No." Denali pouted as she delivered her answer, not even wanting to think about breaking up with Rosé. 

A soft chuckle came from the other side of the line and Denali could almost swear it sounded like Rosé. But she pushed the thought aside, thinking she was hallucinating things because of how much she wanted to see her. 

"Okay, then," her mother said with finality. "Talk to her and then tell me if you girls are going because I need to fill up the fridge."

Denali smiled as she sank back into her couch. 

"Thanks, mom," she said. "I love you." 

"I love you, too, pumpkin," her mother replied, blowing a kiss into the mic before hanging up. 

*

When Rosé arrived the next day, she found Denali whipping up some mac and cheese in the kitchen. She quietly set her bag down on the floor before creeping up behind Denali.

"Boo!" Rosé shouted simultaneously with the stomping of her feet. To her surprise, Denali did not budge. Slowly, the latter turned to her with a little pout. "What's wrong?" Rosé asked worriedly. 

"Nothing, I just miss you."

Rosé sighed upon hearing the reply. She immediately pulled Denali into her embrace, gently squeezing the other's arms as she swayed her. "I miss you too, baby," Rosé replied. She leaned down to bury her face in Denali's hair, filling her senses with the sweet scent. 

"How about we go away this weekend?" Denali suggested, hoping that the other would say yes. Rosé pulled away, looking at her with interest. 

"Where are we going?" Rosé let her arms rest around Denali's waist as the latter put her arms around Rosé's neck. 

"I called my mom yesterday and she wanted to meet you," Denali said truthfully. She laid down the plans, gauging Rosé's reaction. To her dismay, Rosé had this unreadable expression on her face and by the time she finished her vacation pitch, she was nibbling on her lower lip in anticipation. "So?" she nervously asked. 

Rosé broke into a smile. "I'd like that," she said. Denali heaved a sigh of relief, letting her head fall on Rosé's shoulder. “Are you worried I would say no?” Rosé asked and Denali nodded. “Silly, I can’t say no to you even if I tried.”

“But you canceled on me the other day!” Denali protested, whipping her head up to glare at Rosé. The latter laughed, pulling her close again. 

“I know, baby, I’m sorry,” Rosé cooed. “I’ll make it up to you, okay?”

Denali narrowed her eyes at Rosé. “How?” she asked.

“We can skip to dessert,” Rosé suggested with a wink. “Your mac and cheese is burnt anyways.”

Denali’s eyes widened in shock as she remembered that she was cooking. “Shit!” she exclaimed, pulling away from Rosé to get the pan off the stove. She cursed under her breath for getting distracted and wasting the food she was cooking. However, she was secretly rejoicing because she knew she would finally be cursing for a whole different reason later.

*

Denali almost missed a step as she hurried down the steps of the building entrance to meet Rosé who was parked in front. She clocked out early so they could start their drive early as well. Rosé got up surprisingly early that day to shop for some snacks they could eat on their way. It was a 4-hour drive from their place to Denali’s parents’ house but Rosé was treating it like it was some sort of an excursion---not that Denali was complaining. It’s been long since she saw Rosé this excited about something and she loved it. 

So when Rosé handed her a dress she had never seen before, asking her to change into it while they stopped for some gas, Denali heeded. She went into the restroom to change into the new dress while Rosé filled up their gas tank. About fifteen minutes later, Denali came out, taking Rosé’s breath away. Denali had let her hair down; the soft curls that came from her bun were blowing gently against the wind as she made her way down to the car. The dress fit her perfectly; the light blue shade embellished with little floral details brought out the feminine side of Denali that Rosé loved so much. She looked like she came straight out of a movie and Rosé could feel herself falling in love all over again. 

Denali noticed the look Rosé was giving her so she decided to twirl playfully before asking Rosé what she thought of her look. 

“You look perfect,” Rosé said, almost in a whisper, still unable to take her eyes off Denali. 

“Well, your taste in clothing is superior so I guess it’s all thanks to you,” Denali replied with a giggle. It was only then that she noticed that Rosé was in a pair of jeans and blouse that she had never seen before either. The color tones of the outfit Rosé was wearing matched hers. Rosé was wearing a pair of high waisted light blue jeans and a white polo that had a low neckline, pretty much the same as her dress.

“You really bought new clothes for the both of us just to make an impression, huh?” Denali teased as they both got back in the car. Rosé only shrugged, pulling out of the gas station. They continued their drive and it wasn’t long until they arrived.

The house was a cozy bungalow set up right in front of the beach. Denali’s parents decided to sell their old house and move out here after her father’s retirement and so far, both Helena and William Zuckerman were enjoying their life far from the bustling city life where Denali grew up.

“Where are they?” Denali asked when she realized all the lights were out. She immediately got out of the car as soon as Rosé finished parking, trying to reach her mom, but the phone call kept dropping. Denali furrowed her eyebrows as she tried to dial one more time. “This is not a joke…”

Her words trailed off when an array of lights lit up from post to post, creating a pathway towards the beach. 

“...Is it?” Denali finished her sentence, looking both shocked and amused at the feat. She felt Rosé take her hand and lead her through the pathway. As they walked along the sand, Denali noticed a whole bunch of photos clipped on a wire, gently illuminated by the lights above it. They were photos of her; all of which she didn’t know existed. They were shots taken of her doing even the most mundane things in the place she called home with Rosé. She looked at each one of them, recognizing the quality of the photos that surely was a product of Rosé's favorite film camera. 

It was all beginning to make sense to her. What Rosé’s excitement was about. The dress. All of it. 

A few more steps took them right where they should be---at the beach, right in front of their closest friends and loved ones. 

Denali took a look around with tears brimming in her eyes as she saw her friends, Joey, Kahmora and Mik. Utica was there too, standing beside Rosé’s cousin Andrew, and Gammy. And of course, her parents were there, even Aunt Tami was there, looking proudly at her. She turned to yell at Rosé for making all this up but she choked on her words when she realized what the other was doing.

Rosé pulled a velvet box out of her pocket, taking Denali’s hand in hers. 

“Remember when I told you I’ll propose when I find the perfect ring?” Rosé asked with a smile. “Well, I found it, baby, so here goes.”

Denali tried to hold back her tears as Rosé knelt to the ground, opening the velvet box to reveal a beautiful emerald ring. 

“Nali, I love you and I’ve never been more sure of anything other than I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Baby, will you marry me?”

It took a moment for Denali to find her voice and give her answer. With a nod, she said the word Rosé was hoping to hear. 

“Yes!”

Their friends and family all cheered around them as Rosé put the ring on Denali’s finger. Rosé stood up cupping Denali’s cheek to give her a kiss. 

“Thank you,” Rosé whispered as they pulled away, wiping the tears off of Denali’s cheek. 

“Wha--Where did you find this ring? And how did you prepare all this?" Denali asked, out of breath from the euphoric feeling that washed over her. 

“Well, that’s Gammy’s engagement ring,” Rosé said proudly, looking over her grandmother who was in tears. “She gave it to me when I told her about my plans of marrying you. As for all this…”

***

5 days ago.

"You better not be meeting anyone else behind my back or else…" Denali threatened. 

"Or else what?" Rosé taunted, earning another angry look from Denali. 

"Or else I will cry and no one can ever make me stop," Denali finally replied and Rosé had to stop herself from laughing. 

"I would never dare look at anyone else, baby, I promise you that." Rosé said it with conviction. Denali had no clue what was in store for her. 

After one more reminder for Rosé to call her when she can, Denali finally let her go and Rosé was on her way. 

On her way to meet Denali’s parents.

She stole their contact number from Denali’s phone and asked to meet with them. She didn’t plan for it to be on the same day as her planned date with Denali but there was no way she was cancelling on her girlfriend’s parents because she was about to do an important task: ask them for permission to marry their daughter. 

Rosé didn’t really believe in traditions like this but she wanted to do it out of respect for Denali’s parents. She understood that unlike her, Denali had a close relationship with her family and if Rosé wasn’t keeping this a surprise, Denali would probably tell her to ask for her parents blessing before asking her to marry her. 

Rosé was prepared for the worst when she knocked on that door but to her surprise she was greeted with the warmest hug by Denali’s mom, Helena. 

“Oh dear, oh my,” Helena gushed, looking over at Rosé. “You’re even prettier in person than in the photos!” Rosé laughed, thanking her for her compliment. Helena called her husband over, who gave the same warm welcome to Rosé. 

“I’m glad you called and asked to meet us,” William said as they settled in the dining table for some snacks. “Denali seems very happy whenever she calls and tells us about you.”

“By the way, why didn’t you bring her with you?” Helena asked, sitting beside Rosé. 

“Oh, I’m here to ask you something that Denali isn’t supposed to know,” Rosé replied. She pursed her lips as the husband and wife exchanged confused glances. 

“What is it, dear?” Helena asked, looking gently at Rosé. The younger cleared her throat before replying.

“I want you guys to know that Denali was the best thing that ever happened to me,” Rosé began. “She was like this ray of sunshine that just made everything better. And I don’t ever want that to end. I want to spend the rest of my life with your daughter, so I’m here to ask for your blessing to marry Denali.” She looked at both of them hopefully.

After a minute of silence, William finally spoke up. “What if we say no?” he asked, looking seriously at the woman asking for her daughter’s hand. 

Rosé did not back down. She looked at him with the same seriousness. “I will still marry her,” she replied truthfully. “Because honestly, I can’t imagine life without her. Not after living the past year with her. I just can’t.”

The couple exchanged looks before breaking into a proud smile. Helena took Rosé’s hand, patting it gently as she said, “You have our blessing, dear.”

Rosé spent the rest of the night looking through old photo albums and listening to the growing up stories the couple were sharing about Denali. It was past midnight when the couple decided to retire to bed. On the other hand, Rosé was still full of energy from the welcome and blessing she got from Denali’s parents. She took out the velvet box from her bag and opened it. Inside was her grandmother’s engagement ring that was also passed down to her by her grandmother on her wedding day. She came to visit Gammy the other day to tell her about her plans about marrying Denali and to cheer her on, Gammy gave her the ring. 

The next day, after breakfast, Rosé came to accompany William to the fish market to get some fresh catch for lunch. 

“Were you surprised when you found out Denali was dating a woman?” Rosé asked as they walked back to the house. William smiled and shook his head. 

“I’m not sure if Denali remembers but when she was younger, she would always fall into a daze whenever she sees this one girl in her kindergarten class,” he said. “Every night at dinner she would talk about how beautiful that classmate of hers was. When their halloween party came, the girl came dressed as Cinderella. I remember her running up to me and saying, ‘Dada, I wanna marry  Cinderella when I grow up!’ For the life of me, I don’t know why I never told her she can’t marry Cinderella because she’s a girl. I never told her she should marry Prince Charming instead. I guess I just felt happy with how happy Denali beamed the moment she said that.”

William looked over to Rosé and gave her a proud smile. “I’m glad she found her Cinderella.” His eyes were a bit misty from the tears that threatened to fall anytime. “Take good care of her, okay?” he asked, earning a nod from Rosé. 

“I promise,” Rosé replied, raising her hand in pledge. 

“You better keep your promise, young lady,” William said in an overly serious voice. “Or I’m turning you into a mouse by midnight!” Rosé laughed, realizing where Denali got her harmless threats from. 

After lunch, she spent some time with Helena in the garden, watering and weeding the plants. Rosé sighed when she realized how beautiful Denali’s family was. 

“Everything alright?” Helena asked, hearing the younger one sigh for the nth time that day. 

Rosé jolted up, immediately shaking her head. “Nothing, I just…” she sighed again. “I just wish my family was like this, too.”

Helena nodded, slightly understanding Rosé even without hearing the full story. “Well,” she shrugged. “We’re your family now, too.” Rosé looked at her in surprise. “You’re a wonderful person, dear. Denali is blessed to have found you.”

Rosé was filled with nothing but the purest form of bliss. She had not felt this much warmth from people she barely knew in a long time. If anything, she felt like she was the one who was blessed to have found people like Denali and her family.

That night, they were busy laughing at Rosé’s story about her first encounter with Denali when Helena’s phone rang. 

“It’s Nali,” she said with a shocked look. William told her to answer it and put it on speaker and so she did. William and Rosé kept quiet as the conversation began. 

"Hi, mom." Denali’s voice was cracking and it broke Rosé’s heart because she knew what Denali was sulking about. 

"Hey, pumpkin! How are you?" Helena greeted cheerfully in an attempt to lift the mood. Unfortunately, the reply that came was, "I'm...not so okay.”

"Why?" Helena tried to sound as worried as she could. "Did something happen?"

"No," Denali replied. "I just...Maybe it's just me but I feel like Rosé and I are going downhill." Denali stopped for a moment before continuing. “We've been quite busy with work and we were supposed to go on a date today but she cancelled. We've been planning for it since a couple of weeks back but at the last minute she said she had to meet some clients and not just that, she has to leave for three days!" 

Rosé shuddered at the anger in Denali’s voice. The couple flashed her a sorry look, clearly knowing how Denali was like when she was angry.

"Whoa, pumpkin, calm down," Helena tried to soothe her daughter. She flashed a look at Rosé and smiled knowingly before speaking again. "How about, you invite her over for the weekend? Maybe it's finally time for you to introduce her to us?" She looked over at Rosé who seemed mildly intrigued about where the suggestion was going. 

"Look, sweetie, relationships need work,” Helena continued after a moment. Denali’s hesitation was apparent and her mother was having none of that. “If you want to make this work then you have to try a bit more. You can drive down here on Friday night after your work, and we can have supper together and then breakfast before your dad and I leave for his highschool reunion. We won't be back until Sunday night so you girls have the house to yourselves for at least a whole day. Y'all can do whatever you want. Just don't forget to clean up and change the bedsheets." 

Rosé blushed at the same time Denali screamed “Mom!” into the phone. The couple tried their best to keep themselves from laughing at the young ones. 

“Fine," Denali finally agreed. "I'll talk to her about it when she returns. If she cancels again, that's it. I'm going to cry."

"Can't break up with her, can you?" Helena teased, glancing over at Rosé who was grinning.

"No." Rosé chuckled a bit too loudly upon hearing Denali’s answer. She only realized it when Helena signalled her to shush, quickly covering her mouth with her hands.

"Okay, then," Helena quickly said in an attempt to cover up Rosé’s voice. "Talk to her and then tell me if you girls are going because I need to fill up the fridge."

"Thanks, mom, I love you,” Denali replied before they hung up. 

Rosé removed her hands from her mouth and tilted her head in confusion. “So...am I supposed to act like I haven’t met you guys yet when we come over here on Friday?” she asked, looking at Helena. 

“That, or…” Helena trailed off, her eyes glimmering. “You can propose to her on Friday.” William stared at her in shock and Rosé in excitement. “I mean, do you really want to put it off for too long?” Helena reasoned. “You can tell us how you want to do it and we’ll help you with preparations.”

“Really? You would?” Rosé exclaimed. With a final affirmation from her future in-laws, the deal was sealed and the planning began.

***

“Told you she’s a keeper,” Joey nodded after Denali reiterated everything Rosé told her earlier. 

“Yeah, yeah, you’re a brilliant one,” Denali replied, playfully rolling her eyes at Joey before looking over to where Rosé was being fawned over by her mom and Aunt Tami. 

They were gathered on the porch, hanging out with some drinks and stories, and most of all, happy thoughts for the newly engaged couple. As the night grew deeper, their friends left to go back to the hotel where they would be staying. Andrew and Gammy were supposed to drive back but after Denali’s parents insisted they stayed the night, they finally agreed. 

“And what about us?” Denali nudged her mom after Gammy and Andrew settled in the only guest room in the house. Her mother only grinned at her in reply. 

“I believe your wonderful wife-to-be over there has plans for both of you,” Helena replied, pointing towards Rosé who was washing the dishes. Denali gave her mom a suspicious look before walking over to Rosé. 

“Rosie, where are we staying tonight?” Denali asked, resting her chin on Rosé’s shoulder. 

“Are you tired?” the latter asked as she finished up the chore. Rosé turned around to get a good look at Denali who was nodding. “Well then, I guess we should get going then.” Rosé called out a good night to Helena and William before taking Denali back to their car. They drove for a good thirty minutes before they reached their destination. 

It was a villa that Rosé had rented for the weekend, situated at the edge of the town, looking over the calm midnight sea. Denali sighed in awe of the view as they walked towards the house. She chuckled, thinking about how extra Rosé was and how she could have prepared all of this in just five days. 

“What?” Rosé asked, looking over her shoulder to find Denali standing still in her place, just lovingly staring at her.

Denali shook her head with a smile. “Nothing,” she said. “I just can’t believe this is actually real. I feel like I must be dreaming.” Rosé walked back towards her, pulling her in for a soft, and gentle kiss. 

A mix of emotions exploded in Denali’s soul. She couldn’t explain exactly how she was feeling but she was feeling magical. She kept her eyes closed even after they pulled away from the kiss, not wanting the feeling to end. 

“Baby, look at me.” Rosé gently ran her thumb across Denali’s cheeks and the latter’s eyes fluttered open. “I love you.”

She delivered the words with her whole heart and soul and as she looked into Denali’s eyes she knew, she would never tire of saying those words. 

*

Months after the magical proposal, the wedding preparations were almost done; their wedding outfits have been delivered, the venue has been booked, the invitations have been sent out. The only thing missing was the actual ceremony.

With only just a month to go before their final day, Rosé decided to go somewhere she didn’t like going to: Harvey’s grave. She felt like she needed to see him one last time before the wedding, just to know that it was okay for her to finally let him go and move on with her life. 

“Hey, Harvs,” Rosé greeted as she put a hand on his tombstone. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit you that often. I just...I couldn’t believe that you were really gone.” Rosé sniffled, wiping a tear away from her face. “I’m here today, though, because I wanted to tell you that I’m finally getting married. She’s an amazing woman and I think you two would have been great friends. Her name is Denali. She’s smart, and caring, and beautiful, and...she loves me so much I can’t even believe it sometimes.”

Rosé’s eyebrows knitted together as she became unable to hold back her tears. 

“I miss you, Harvs,” she sobbed. “I’m sorry. I wish I could have done more. I really do. But… I want to let you go now. I want to stop hating myself for what happened. Is that okay?” Her grip tightened around the cold rock as she continued to cry. “Denali, she… she deserves to have me completely,” Rosé continued. “And that won’t happen unless I let you go, so that’s what I’m doing. I’ll let you go now, Harvs. And I hope...I hope you’re proud of me.” She placed a kiss on her hand before running it across Harvey’s name. “I love you, Harvs.”

Rosé gave one last glance at her brother’s grave before walking away. She had only taken a step when she stopped in her tracks, recognizing the woman that was in front of her.

“Hi, sweetie.”

Her mother looked like she had been crying. Rosé realized that she must have been standing there long enough to hear everything she said on Harvey’s grave. 

“What are you doing here?” Rosé asked, too tired from crying to act hostile towards her mom. 

“Well, uhm,” her mom waved an iPod in the air with a tight smile. “We heard from Gammy that you’re getting married soon and I just wanted to give you this. You weren’t there when we were cleaning up Harvey’s room and uhm, there was a note on this that said this was a song for your wedding.” Nora took a cautious step to hand it over to Rosé. She heaved a sigh of relief when Rosé took it without any qualms, giving a tight smile before leaving. 

“How did you know I was here?” Rosé asked, making her mom turn around. 

“We went by to your place and Denali said you went to visit here and so we went here,” Nora replied. 

The mother and daughter stared at each other for a while. Nora was about to leave again when Rosé called after her with the name she never thought to hear again. 

“Mom,” Rosé called out and Nora looked at her hopefully. “Do you wanna, uhm... listen to it together?” She held out one of the earphones to her mom who gladly took it. They sat down in front of Harvey’s grave, staring at his name as the music played and his voice came on. 

‘Okay, Ro-ro-ro-your-boat! This isn’t an original song but I’m recording this anyway because this came on the radio while I was on the way to school and I just thought this would make a great wedding song for you. You know, for when you actually grow a heart and fall in love with someone.’

Rosé laughed despite the tears that were running down her cheeks. The soft sound of the piano began playing followed by the voice she missed hearing. 

‘I never I never thought I needed saving

I was right where I should be

Good God, I know it's dangerous

But it's you that I need

I'm in love this time

I'm in love this time

What have I done?

What have I done?’

Rosé glanced over her mom who was silently crying beside her. It was only then that she realized how much her mother had been hurting. Maybe even more than she was. As Harvey’s recording continued to play, Rosé’s eyes wandered towards the car that was parked on the driveway. She could see her father’s silhouette from the window and it was then too that she realized he was probably the one who was hurt the most about what happened.

‘What have I done?

Oh no, what have I done?

You be brave for me, now’

Rosé removed the earphone and stood up, walking towards the direction of the car as Harvey’s voice echoed in her mind. 

‘Oh no, what have I done?

You be brave for me, now’

Rosé tapped on the window of the driver’s seat, tears streaming down her face as her father stepped out of the car. 

“Dad…” she sobbed, running into his outstretched arms. She buried her face in chest like she did when she was a kid. Her father put his hand on her head, trying his best not to cry.

8 years. It took 8 years for them to finally be released of the anger and pain that has been weighing on their shoulders. 

8 years and a 5-minute recording was what it took for Rosé to heal.

Her parents gave her a ride back to her and Denali’s apartment. The drive was mostly quiet but it was the best kind of quiet Rosé has ever heard. Because in it, she found her peace. They pulled up in front of the building and Rosé thanked her parents for the ride. She got out of the car but then quickly turned on her heel. She tapped on her mother’s window and waited for her to roll it down.

“Uhm, if you guys want to come to the wedding,” Rosé began. “Gammy has an invitation so you can look up the venue from there.” Her parents stared at her in shock and she just shrugged. “I just uhm, think it would be nice if you were both there.” Her features softened as she looked her parents in the eyes and gently smiled. “Actually,” she corrected herself. “I would love for you guys to be there.”

Her mother smiled gratefully as did her father. 

“Then we will be there.”

*

Denali poked her head out of the bedroom when she heard the door click. She saw Rosé’s puffy eyes and immediately ran up to her to offer a hug. “How was it?” she asked as they walked towards the couch. Rosé lied down on Denali’s lap, offering her one of the earphones. 

“Mom and dad came,” Rosé said. Denali smiled, hearing that finally, Rosé was calling them mom and dad again. “They gave me this. It’s Harvey. Singing a song for my potential wedding.” She hit the play button and once again, she heard her brother’s little monologue before the song came on. She didn’t cry this time. Instead, she smiled as she held Denali’s hand closer to her chest, running her thumb across the ring on the other’s finger. 

‘So there it is! Congratulations on your wedding! I mean if you ever decide to use your heart other than to pump blood in your veins.’

Rosé chuckled when she realized she hadn’t reached this part of the recording yet because of that moment with her dad. 

‘Anyways, I love you, Ro. You’re the best sister anyone could ever ask for and whoever you end up with will be the luckiest person alive.’

In the background, Rosé could hear her own voice, calling her brother down for dinner before the recording ended. Denali leaned down to place a kiss on Rosé’s forehead.  “I guess he’s right,” Denali said, running her hands through Rosé’s hair. 

“I am the luckiest person alive.”

---

[A/N: their looks for the proposal are down below! i hope you enjoyed reading that chapter as much as i enjoyed writing it!]

[ambrossart]

PAPER MEN

— CHAPTER 17

SUMMARY: All Evelyn Tozier wanted to do was make Derry High School a safer place for her kid brother. Well, somewhere between kissing Patrick Hockstetter and telling the principal to go f*** himself, things got a little off track. Now she’s stuck in the middle of a bizarre love triangle with two of Derry’s most troubled teens while her little brother and his friends hunt down a creepy, child-eating circus clown. This year, summer can’t come fast enough. PAIRINGS: Henry Bowers x Tozier!Sister; Patrick Hockstetter x Tozier!Sister WARNINGS: violence, profanity, sexual content, bullying, sexual assault, physical abuse, emotional abuse, all kinds of abuse, trauma, mental illness, implied/referenced self-harm, child death, angst, lots of angst, recreational drug use, underage drinking, underage sex, love triangles, toxic relationships, slow burn, slow build

WORD COUNT: 5,792

MASTERPOST

MASTERLIST

On Thursday, Patrick Hockstetter woke up feeling more restless than usual.

He was lying on his back, like he always did, and staring through the open risers when he noticed a small nail protruding about an inch from the wood. Patrick squinted at it for a minute, displeased. The nail's presence didn't bother him, necessarily. Patrick lived in an old house, and in old houses nails sometimes wiggled themselves loose. No big deal. Sometimes they caught your sock or your sweater sleeve. Sometimes they made you trip and tumble down the stairs like his father had when he went looking for the Christmas lights eight winters ago. (Wait, Pat, don't come down here! Go, run and get your mother. Tell her to call an ambulance. I think my leg's broken!) Patrick didn't mind that, either. No, what bothered him was that he'd been waking up to this exact view for over a year (475 days) and only just now noticed the nail… like it had appeared overnight. And now that he noticed it, he couldn't help but wonder what other small, nail-sized things had escaped his attention.

A mattress spring dug into his side as he turned. It had always been there, Patrick assumed, but he never felt it until today.

Doesn't that bother you? a voice asked.

No, Patrick answered. Not really.

Oh… Well, it would drive me crazy.

He dragged his long legs over the edge of the bed and sat like that for a while, looking here and there, looking nowhere. All his furniture seemed oddly out of place this morning, like somebody had snuck in and rearranged everything while he was sleeping. The basement had a different smell, too. Somewhere beneath the usual green, moldy dampness was a new smell: sweet and faintly floral. Her smell. And that bothered him. Not because it was bad. It wasn't a bad smell at all. It just didn't belong.

He pushed some of his hair back, thinking (his mother was right, his hair was getting quite long), I really shouldn't have brought her down here.

Then he went upstairs.

His mother already had breakfast waiting for him on the table: scrambled eggs, sausage, and toasted English muffins served with butter and strawberry jam. Patrick ate a muffin, dry. His mother urged him to try it with some jam (“It's actually very good”), but Patrick didn't see the need. It would taste the same either way.

Mrs. Hockstetter surrendered and set the jar aside. “That girl who stopped by yesterday, she was very nice.”

Patrick didn't disagree.

“And rather pretty, too,” his mother went on, smiling to herself. “Will she be coming by again? It'd be nice if she did.”

Patrick smiled, too. “Yes, it would,” he said, and then he left for school.

The school bus dropped the kids off around eight o'clock every morning. Patrick arrived at eight-o-two, plopped down in front of Evelyn's locker, and fiddled with his Zippo lighter—clink, clunk, clink, clunk—until the first bell rang.

Evelyn never showed. Was she avoiding him?

Patrick went to class. Evelyn wasn't there either, and Mrs. Sitz refused to give him a hall pass.

“I'm afraid you've exhausted your hallway privileges for the week, Mr. Hockstetter. Now, please return to your seat.”

So Patrick did. He slumped into his chair and stared at the clock until the little hand landed on the nine and the big hand landed, with a lovely little ding, on the three. Then he went to find her.

Lucky for him, Evelyn Tozier had a very predictable schedule. From nine-twenty to ten-o-five, she attended Stanwood Grumley's advanced algebra class and sat behind Victor Criss. They didn't talk much, but every so often, a little piece of paper would flicker between them, back and forth, back and forth. Afterward, they would leave separately, Evelyn heading off in one direction and Vic going in another. Some days (like today), Vic would hang back for a second to watch Evelyn make that last left at the end of the hall.

Has he always done that? Patrick wondered. Or is this just another thing I'm noticing for the first time?

From ten-ten to ten fifty-five, Evelyn took psychology with Mrs. Fletcher on the west end of the building. Psychology seemed to be her favorite class. She wasn't quite as vocal during the discussions, but her eyes came alive with a sort of innocent fascination every time the teacher introduced a new concept. Patrick liked that.

According to an article in the Derry News, which featured a large black-and-white of Evelyn smiling beside Jake Newham during last year's community clean-up (and his arm was around her hips, Patrick observed, instead of her shoulders), Evelyn intended to study psychology after high school. She hoped to become a therapist or a school counselor like her favorite faculty member, Glenn Burke. Newham, who would receive a dozen college acceptance letters before the year's end, was going into economics with a minor in mathematics. His parents were very proud.

After that was Evelyn's most hated class: gym with Coach Kincaid. Today, the girls were playing volleyball on the indoor basketball court. Bump, set, spike. Bump, set, spike. Evelyn wasn't athletic by any stretch of the imagination, but she always gave it her best, diving for every down ball even if it meant skinning her knees on the glossy maple wood floor.

Coach Kincaid blew his silver whistle. “For the last time, girls, no diving if you're not wearing pads! Evelyn, you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm fine… Sorry.”

It occurred to Patrick that Evelyn may have been self-conscious about her underdeveloped body. Instead of washing in the open, communal shower with the bustier girls like Steph Price and April Nilsen, Evelyn showered privately in one of the stalls with the curtain tightly drawn. Maybe she was embarrassed or intimidated. Maybe she was just being modest. Patrick went back and forth a lot while trying to decide.

Coach Kincaid approached him outside the girls' locker room, that silver whistle swinging from his neck. “Can I help you, son?”

“No,” Patrick said, and he walked away.

At lunch, Steph started rubbing Patrick's thigh underneath the table. “My parents are gonna be gone Saturday. Wanna come over?”

“Maybe,” Patrick said, but he wouldn't. He had other plans.

Across the cafeteria, the Colborne kid said something that made Evelyn laugh—a true, full-bodied laugh that lit up her whole face—and Patrick couldn't help but wonder what it was.

Realistically, he could have taken her at any time that day. He could have gone up to her in the cafeteria or snatched her while she was walking to and from class. Once he almost did, when he saw her strolling down an empty stretch of hallway between sixth and seventh period. There was a vacant classroom nearby. Evelyn passed it every single day.

Eventually, perhaps on a sleepy Tuesday in October, Patrick would do just that (and by then, Evelyn would want him to), but that day was still weeks away, nothing more than a tiny, faded number on a calendar. Until then, he could only bide his time, wait patiently for that perfect, serendipitous moment. Then, when she least expected it, he would

Evelyn jumped up from the table, shrieking, as a hand came down on her shoulder.

It was only Jake Newham, carrying his blue canvas backpack by a single strap. His hand retreated with a guilty jerk. “Sorry, Evelyn,” he said. “I didn't mean to scare you.”

“Jake.” His name came out like a sigh. Evelyn put her hand to her chest and, for the first time in days, took an easy breath. “No, I'm sorry for overreacting like that. I've been a little antsy lately, but it's not your fault.”

A stern voice shushed them. They turned and saw Miss Dixon glaring at them from behind the information desk. The young librarian pointed sharply toward the sign on her desk, which demanded in tidy black script: QUIET, PLEASE.

Jake read the sign and promptly lowered his voice. “Yeah, I've noticed.”

“Have you?”

“Yeah, you seemed a little tense these last few days.”

Somehow tense felt like an understatement. What he'd probably meant to say was, You've been acting like a paranoid lunatic, Evelyn. A real grade-A wack job! They should send you off to Juniper Hill with all the other loonies.

She frowned. “Was it that obvious?”

“No, I don't think so. I only noticed because… well… never mind.” He laughed stiffly, a red flush creeping up his collar. Then he started rubbing the back of his neck. “Umm, you know you didn't have to come if you didn't want to, right? I mean, if you would rather head home and relax, I'd totally understand.”

“Oh, please, no,” Evelyn said, and without thinking, she pressed her hand against his forearm. It was lean but well-muscled, and it seemed to tense up at her touch. “That's not it at all. I'm glad to hang out with you today, Jake, really. Your presence always calms me down. In fact, I feel better already.”

She wasn't lying. That little prickle on the back of her neck was still there, but it wasn't as strong anymore. It didn't make her break into a cold sweat or flee the room in terror. Now, it felt more like an itch she couldn't scratch. It was annoying and inconvenient, but with enough willpower, she could probably train herself to ignore it.

Jake's face broke into a smile, his cheeks tinged with pink. “Great!”

Then he pulled out a chair and sat down. Evelyn sat down too, and all of a sudden that chill was on her again, slowly creeping up her spine. Push it away, she thought, swallowing the lump in her throat. Just push it away, and it was gone.

At one of the other study tables, a seventh-grader named Ben (Hanson? Hanlon? Evelyn couldn't remember) was staring out the window with a dreamy, lovesick expression. He smiled when he caught Evelyn's eye—a shy, crooked smile—then went back to reading his book.

“So have you been waiting long?” Jake asked.

Evelyn turned back to him. “No, not too long.”

She had slipped out of the house around ten-thirty, while her mother was washing the breakfast dishes and listening to Todd Daily deliver the morning news. Now it was—Evelyn checked her watch—eleven-o-three. That made her sigh. Henry's expulsion hearing had probably already started. She saw Mr. Marsh setting up the conference room as she left school on Friday: pushing tables together, breaking others apart, lining up all the chairs into their neat little rows. When he was done, it almost resembled a small courtroom, and today they were going to pass the final sentence.

I bet Henry's real nervous, sitting there all by himself. I know he'd never admit it, but… She felt her chest tighten. It feels wrong for him to be going through this alone. God, why'd he have to be so stubborn? I should be there, to keep him calm if nothing else! Henry's never been very good at controlling his temper. One wrong look and BOOM! He could completely fly off the handle and really mess things up for himself. Then he'll get kicked out for sure, and I'll…

“… nice today,” Jake finished.

Evelyn looked up at him, her watch still within view. Eleven-o-eight, she noted with a frown; then she said, “I'm sorry, what did you say?”

“I said you look very nice today.”

“Do I?” she said, a little bashful. Today, she was wearing a turtleneck sweater (her third in a row; the bruise wasn't healing as fast as she'd hoped) and a pair of blue jeans with a small tear on the knee. Nothing special. “I look the same as I always do.”

Jake smiled. “Yeah, well, you always look nice.”

“Oh,” Evelyn said, feeling warm all over—a pleasant, fuzzy kind of warm. It brought a silly grin to her face. “Well, thank you,” and she reached for her notebook. “Umm, should we get started? We have a lot of work to do.”

Jake clicked his pen. “I'm ready whenever you are.”

Then he dragged his chair to her side of the table. Why? Evelyn didn't know, but his knee bumped and rubbed against hers when he sat down. She convinced herself that it was just an accident.

… because she wasn't prepared to deal with the alternative.

Evelyn had forgotten how fun and productive brainstorming sessions could be.

Usually, all her ideas got shot down immediately. Paul would groan and whine: “That sounds stupid.” “I don't wanna do that!” “How ‘bout we just skip the whole thing and go home?” And Lenny would be half-asleep, nodding along with drooping eyes. Then he would get up, announce that he was going to the restroom, and never come back. Hannah-Beth tried to help pick up the slack, but sometimes her attention waned a little. Evelyn would glance over and find her daydreaming and doodling little hearts in her notebook:

♡ Mrs. Kenneth Klein ♡ ♡ Mrs. Kenneth Klein ♡ ♡ Mrs. Kenneth Klein ♡

With Jake, it was different. Their discussion flowed naturally, effortlessly, and there was a real give-and-take. One person would make a suggestion, and then the other would take it, expand on it, and turn it into something extraordinary. It was rhythmic and exciting, like fireworks shooting off into the night: boom, shoom, KABOOM! Evelyn hadn't experienced that since… well, it had been a long time.

For over an hour, they sat shoulder to shoulder, jotting down all their ideas in Evelyn's notebook. Then one of them would blurt out something absurd, like: “Do you really think he'd let us borrow his hairpiece?” and they would collapse into giggles until Miss Dixon shushed them again.

“Jeez, use your library voice, Evelyn.”

“Me? You're the one with the obnoxious laugh!”

“Shhhh!”

“You really think my laugh's obnoxious?”

“Shhhh!”

“Sorry!”

“Sorry!”

Jake scribbled out a rough storyboard with his pen. Evelyn watched, captivated, as his wrist flicked up, down, and around to bring all their ideas to life on the page. She laid her chin on her palm, a tranquil smile spreading across her face. He really does remind me of him sometimes. I think that's why I admire him so much.

Then a second thought came to her:

“I really hope Paul doesn't mind dressing up for the skit.”

Jake, still hunched over the paper, looked at her. “You don't think he will? The Darth Vader idea was his, wasn't it?”

“Sure, the poster was. I don't know how he'll feel about turning it into a skit, though.”

“Oh, I see. That does pose a problem.”

“Yeah… he's the only one who will fit into that costume. He made it himself, you know, out of fiberglass and leather. Wore it for Halloween last year. Lenny was a… Jedi, is that what they're called?” They had wanted Evelyn to dress up too, as some princess named Leia, but she was already taking the Muntz twins trick-or-treating. The three girls went as witches and had a splendid time. “Anyway, the craftsmanship is actually pretty impressive. It'd be a shame for it to just sit in his garage forever.”

Jake pursed his lips, considering the situation carefully. “Well, you should ask him at least.”

“Yeah, I will.”

“And if he says no, we can always do something else.”

“Right. We came up with a lot of great ideas today.”

“You did all the work.”

Evelyn gave his shoulder a half-hearted push. “Oh, I did not…”

“Fine, fine. We'll say sixty-forty, then.”

“Now you're just trying to flatter me.”

“Yeah,” Jake said, chuckling. “Yeah, you caught me there.”

Then he smiled at her… only it wasn't his normal smile. This one didn't shine with a radiant light. No, this one almost seemed to glow, like smoldering embers in a fireplace. It was an intimate smile, full of heat and passion. Evelyn couldn't help but turn away from it, and when she did, the face of her watch was staring back at her.

It's almost twelve-thirty. Is the hearing over?

“… so what do you think?” Jake said. “You wanna?”

Evelyn blinked her eyes at him. “Hmm?”

“I said we should grab lunch together. Nancy's isn't far—”

Her stomach twisted. “Nancy's?” she repeated slowly, with a touch of unease. “Oh, no, I hate that place.”

Jake furrowed his brow. “Really, you hate it? I didn't think anyone hated that place. Why do you hate it?”

“I had a bad experience there before.”

“Oh… Did you get food poisoning or something?”

“No, nothing like that. I was just…” severely disappointed, but she couldn't bring herself to say that out loud. It happened so long ago—two years, which in the life of a high school student felt more like twenty. Why did that place still stir up so many negative emotions? Okay, so some idiot stood you up a million years ago. Big whoop! It's not like you really expected him to show up anyway…

“Well, we can always go somewhere else,” Jake said. “There's a small diner over by the… and I just lost you again, didn't I?”

Evelyn's head popped back up. “Huh? What do you mean?”

Jake pointed at her wrist. “You keep checking your watch. Is a bomb about to go off or something?”

He chuckled a little at his own joke, but Evelyn could hear the hurt behind it. It made her feel terrible.

“I'm sorry, Jake. It's just…”

For a moment, she considered lying, afraid of how Jake might react (she imagined him slamming his fists on the table and shouting, Are you kidding me, Evelyn? How can you say you're against bullying when you go and do something like that? What are you, some kinda hypocrite? and that would have destroyed her), but then she figured, what's the point? After today, Henry probably wouldn't be a student anymore. Did it really matter if the president of the student council found out she was secretly a Henry Bowers sympathizer?

“Henry's expulsion hearing is today. I guess I'm a little anxious about it.”

“Ohhhh,” Jake said. He sounded sullen, but not angry. “I had no idea you two were friends.”

Evelyn winced a little at that word. “We're not, really. To be honest, I don't know what we are.”

It wasn't like Henry treated her much better than everyone else. Most of the time, he was absolutely rotten: always hollering at her, knocking her around, calling her nasty names. Last year, he stole from her student council fundraiser twice and smashed her Valentine's Day display to pieces because he got sick of looking at “all that pink shit.” So far, this year wasn't proving to be much better. Henry had already taken her class shirts, ripped one to shreds, and—as if she could ever forget—roughed up her little brother and tossed him in the trunk of Belch's car. That wasn't something a friend did, not even a crummy one like Victor Criss.

But somehow, Henry always wound up at her front door, and no matter how furious Evelyn was, no matter how many times she declared, This is the last time, Henry, she couldn't help but let him in.

Why? Well, that was simple:

“Henry's very important to me,” Evelyn said. “I hope you can understand that.”

And if he didn't, she could accept that, too. Just please, please don't hate me, Jake.

Jake fell back against his chair, stunned. Then he went quiet for a while, a long while. His arms folded around his stomach. His right hand went to his mouth, thumbnail idly tracing his lower lip. His dark eyebrows knitted together furiously, like he was trying to solve a very complicated math problem in his head.

Then, with a defeated sigh, he found his answer:

“Well, then you should go.��

His smile was sad but genuine.

Evelyn sat up in her chair. “Really?”

“Yeah, why not?” said Jake, now insistent. He closed her notebook and slid it across the table. “We're all done here anyway. Go, get outta here. Otherwise, you're gonna miss it.”

Now Evelyn was beaming, giddy and dizzy with excitement. She clumsily loaded up her backpack (accidentally stealing Jake's pen in the process, but he didn't mind) and threw it over her right shoulder. “You're incredible, Jake, absolutely incredible. Thank you so much! I'll see you on Monday, okay? And, uh—Oh! Don't forget to dress up!”

She was already halfway across the room when Jake raised his hand to wave goodbye. “You either. See ya, Evelyn!”

Then she was gone, and Jake was okay with that.

Incredible, huh? he thought, smiling. I guess I can settle for incredible.

Behind him, a tall shadow loomed among the stacks, shrinking as it crept along the back wall, past the casual browsers shopping for books, past the teenage couple making out against the shelf marked ADULT FICTION: G-I, past the old men sitting on leather chairs in the periodicals section, where a small fireplace crackled calmly amongst the quiet fluttering of paper. One of the men looked up momentarily, sensing a nearby presence, but by then the shadow was already gone.

The double doors opened and closed smoothly, without a sound.

Evelyn passed under the covered bridge and came out the other side, peddling as fast as she could.

Bassey Park sprawled out in front of her in a vast field of ryegrass, bluegrass, and creeping red fescue. On one side, a group of high school boys was playing a game of pick-up football. On the other side, families sat on blankets beneath the sighing maples: reading, sharing a packed lunch, or simply loafing about barefoot and enjoying the sunshine. Between the two sides was a long, winding path. Evelyn was on that path now, and she was eager to reach the end of it.

A red Frisbee whizzed over her head and into the hand of Seth McFadden.

“Hey, Evelyn!” Seth shouted, but she zoomed by without answering. Odd, he thought, then sent the Frisbee back with a whirling release. “Wonder where she's off to in such a hurry.”

He was talking to Nathan Weller, who stood on the other side, anticipating where the Frisbee might land.

“Eh, she's probably going to the school.”

“What makes you say that?”

“It's Tozier. Where else would she be going?”

Nathan raised his hand to block out the sun. At that moment, the red Frisbee flew over his left shoulder.

“Aw, shit!” he said, and ran to retrieve it.

By the time Evelyn arrived at the school, the east parking lot was deserted apart from a few cars. The hearing had already concluded, but not long ago. She spotted Principal Hellyer walking to his reserved spot, to his 1982 Toyota Corolla with the chocolate brown exterior. He had a stack of manila folders in his hand—the school's evidence, Evelyn assumed. Had he been successful? Had he won? If he had, he certainly didn't show it. He wasn't pumping his fist in victory: Yeah, that's right! I finally got the little fucker! But he wasn't exactly sulking, either. His face was long and tired, like he just wanted to hurry up and get home.

Evelyn climbed off her bike and walked it around to the front of the building. Maybe Henry had decided to stick around for a while: to gloat, to mope, maybe put his knife through one of the principal's tires. She hoped he wouldn't resort to vandalism, but with Henry Bowers, anything was possible.

“I thought I told you not to come,” a voice said from far away.

Evelyn looked up, squinting, and spotted Henry sitting on the top of the stairs. No knife in sight, just a lit cigarette. He shouldn't have been smoking so close to the school, though. She opened her mouth to tell him so, but the words got stuck in her throat. It didn't matter.

She put down her kickstand and approached him. “Technically, you told me not to come to the hearing, and I didn't… even though I really wanted to.”

“Yeah, well, you didn't miss much.”

“Was it that bad?”

“What do you think?”

She looked away, blushing. “Sorry.”

Henry scooted away as she sat down. It couldn't have been more than an inch or two, but to her, it felt like a mile.

She didn't know the right thing to say.

“So what are you gonna do now, Henry?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. You have to come up with some kinda plan. Are you gonna try to appeal the ruling? You could, but it's unlikely to change anything. I asked Mr. Burke about it. He said an appeal would only be successful if there's a lack of evidence, and with you, they have plenty of evidence. So now your only options are to seek out an alternative form of education or start looking for work somewhere.”

Henry took a long drag from his cigarette. “Or I could just go to class on Monday.”

Evelyn sighed. “Please don't make jokes. This is serious.”

“I'm not joking.”

She turned and looked at him, her mouth falling open in disbelief. This had to be a joke, she thought. There was no way the school would actually… They wouldn't actually…

“They didn't kick you out?”

He shook his head. “Nope.”

“They didn't kick you out?”

“That's what I just said.”

“They didn't kick you out?”

Henry clenched his fist. “I swear to God, Ev, if you make me say it again—”

“THEY DIDN'T KICK YOU OUT!”

Evelyn threw her hands into the air and let out a loud squeal of pure joy, releasing two weeks of suffocating, bone-crushing stress from her body. All those sleepless nights she spent tossing and turning, thinking, planning, worrying. Falling behind in her schoolwork. Snapping at her friends. Principal Hellyer saying over and over, You're just wasting your time, Evelyn. Well, he wouldn't be saying that anymore because—

All of a sudden, her body went limp and rolled backwards. Evelyn surrendered to its pull, exhausted, and hit the porch with a painless thud.

“It's over,” she whispered, relieved. “It's finally over.”

“Yeah,” Henry said, “so you can stop worrying now.”

That made her laugh. Fat chance of that, she thought as she watched the autumn breeze blow gently through Henry’s dirty blond hair. In the sun, it almost seemed streaked with gold. I think I'll spend my whole life worrying about you.

Then, as if he had heard her, Henry turned around briefly and caught her staring at him.

“What?” he said, scowling.

“Nothing,” Evelyn answered, and he turned back around.

A moment later, she asked, “Are you happy? To be coming back, I mean?”

“Why are you asking me that?”

“Earlier, you said you were gonna drop out. Do you still want to?”

“Nah, I was just pissed back then.”

He said that, but did he really mean it? Evelyn wasn't so sure.

“… because you could if you wanted to,” she said. “Despite what everyone says, traditional high school isn't for everyone. I remember Mr. Burke saying that a while back. It's the structure of it, I guess. Some people just aren't cut out for it. Some people are better off getting their GED or whatever, and maybe—”

Henry blew smoke out of the side of his mouth. “What are you goin' on about?”

“Nothing,” Evelyn answered, and pulled herself up. “I'm just talking.”

“Yeah,” Henry muttered back, “you're always just talking.”

She knew it was an insult, but it didn't sting like one.

Henry bent down to flick his ashes on the step below him. “You know, it was pretty slick of you to get the teachers involved. How many of them did you have to hold at gunpoint?”

“About half as many as you'd think,” Evelyn answered, grinning. “Believe it or not, most teachers don't enjoy seeing their students expelled. Everyone else just needed a little nudge. I told Mrs. Lafferty I'd grade all her quizzes for the rest of the semester. She really doesn't like you.”

“Yeah, Lafferty's a bitch.”

“Don't say that.”

“What? She is.”

“Stop.”

Henry put out his cigarette. “How'd you manage to dig up Old Man Wallender, anyway? I swear that guy never leaves the shop.”

“I got a tip from Mrs. Whitwell. I'm surprised he remembered me, actually. I haven't taken one of his classes since… agriculture back in the eighth grade.” She thought back to that time and shuddered. “Man, I hated that class. It's the only one I've ever failed.”

“Well, that was your own fault.”

“True.”

Mr. Wallender's classes were unconventional, to say the least. His classroom (if you could call it that) was on the basement level, next to the workshop where he taught all the welding and woodworking courses. In truth, it was just an old garage, but it served its purpose well enough. Mr. Wallender kept the doors open all year, even in winter, to control the fumes.

Henry took several of his classes, but Evelyn took only one.

One was more than enough for her.

His class had no textbooks. No worksheets. No quizzes. No homework. He would just stand in front of the class and talk about whatever came to mind: crop rotation, common pesticides, all his favorite cuts of beef. They grew herbs, flowers, and vegetables in the greenhouse out back and tended to them all semester. All of Evelyn's plants withered and died. She didn't know what she was doing wrong.

Then, during the final week of class, Evelyn entered the workshop and saw two long tables laid out in front of her. Their final exam, Mr. Wallender explained, would be a seed test. “By now, you all should have no problem identifying the most common seeds.” Then he handed everyone a piece of paper with twenty blank, numbered lines and a small word bank at the bottom.

Immediately, Evelyn started to panic. “But, Mr. Wallender, we haven't had any time to prepare for this.”

“You don't need to prepare,” he said, and that was the end of it.

At his call, all the students dispersed, going to either the right table or the left. Evelyn hovered somewhere in the middle, anxious and overwhelmed by the whole process. She couldn't tell a pea seed from a potato seed. To her, they all looked exactly the same: like tiny, round pebbles.

“If you don't know, just guess,” Hilary Garnham whispered across the table. “That's what I'm doing.”

“But I'm a horrible guesser!”

“Well, you better figure something out. Time's almost up, Tozier, and you can't turn in a blank test.”

“You're right,” Evelyn said, and so she decided to fall back on some of the test-taking strategies she'd learned over the years. Read all the questions. Answer the ones you know. Then sort out the ones you don't. Out of the twenty seeds, she was bound to recognize at least one. After that, she could use the word bank to figure out the rest. Yeah, that would be just fine.

Except it wasn't fine. It wasn't fine at all. Because out of the twenty seeds, Evelyn could only identify two:

1) Pumpkin, because her mother salted and roasted pumpkin seeds every Halloween. 2) Sunflower, because her father liked to chew and spit sunflower seeds at baseball games.

The other eighteen were a complete mystery!

Evelyn raked her hands through her hair, thinking, Oh my god, I'm gonna fail! Two outta twenty, that's like… ten percent! Has a student ever scored that low on a test?

And the final five minutes were slowly ticking down.

I'm screwed, I'm screwed!

Four minutes…

Just guess! Just write anything!

Three minutes…

And then a voice drifted across the table—”Hey”—and a single piece of paper slid into view, marked up with all the correct answers. It had the name Henry Bowers printed on top.

He nudged his paper closer. “Hurry up, Tozier.”

Evelyn stared up at him, dumbfounded. To her, his eyes had never looked so blue.

… until now, that is. She had to force herself to stop staring.

“I can't believe I actually cheated,” Evelyn said, thinking back on that moment.

Henry cracked a small smirk. “You know, it doesn't really count if you go and blab about it afterwards.”

Evelyn blushed. “I know, but I couldn't help it. I felt so guilty.”

“Yeah, but you didn't have to drag me down with you.”

In the end, they both got zeros, and Evelyn's final grade tanked from a B to a D. She didn't bother retaking the class.

“I'm sorry,” she said. “I guess I was just thinking about myself.”

Henry shrugged, unbothered.

“Well, I should probably get home,” Evelyn said. She didn't want to leave, but she knew she had to. “I'm babysitting for the Denbroughs today. I promised I'd be there before three.”

“Yeah, I should go, too,” Henry said. Then he leaned over and pulled something out of his back pocket. His cigarette pack, Evelyn assumed, wrinkling her nose in disapproval.

“You really need to stop smoking so—”

“Here,” he said, and handed something to her.

Three crumpled-up ones.

Evelyn took them and held them against her chest, speechless, on the verge of tears. The bills were badly faded and smeared with blue pen-ink, but to her, they were the most precious things she'd ever seen. Her heart started to throb with a painful, bittersweet ache. How am I supposed to move on when you do stuff like this? It just wasn't fair.

Reluctantly, she pushed herself to her feet. Her legs felt like jelly.

“I'm really glad you're coming back,” she said, but that wasn't what she really wanted to tell him, not at all. “I'll see ya, Henry.”

Her bicycle was waiting at the end of the walkway, red paint shimmering in the sunlight. Evelyn put one hand on the handlebar, popped up the kickstand, swung her leg over the seat and—

“All that stuff you wrote,” Henry suddenly called out, standing now. “That stuff for the hearing today, did you…?” He shook his head and reached back for his cigarettes. “Never mind.”

No, not “never mind.” Just say it!

“You're asking if I meant it?” she said, making his head jerk up for a minute. “Well, I did. I meant every word.”

Sometimes Evelyn wished she was less outspoken, that she was better at holding all her feelings inside like everyone else. She tried to, but some always ended up spilling out anyway, and it was usually way more than people could handle.

Henry Bowers was the worst at handling it.

“That's not what I was gonna say,” he muttered, and walked off. It took all her strength not to go running after him.

Let him go now, Evelyn. Just let him go. You're just obsessing at this point.

She put her foot back on the peddle, turned, and pushed off.

_____________________

PREV // CURRENT // NEXT

[itoshit]

So. If I sort out all the info you gave me, the Yamaguchi-gumi's leader is called Suguru Geto. Then we have the second biggest Yakuza family, the Sumiyoshi-Kai. Their leader is unknown to almost everyone, but the only noticeable feature is a scar he has on the right corner of his mouth. The Inagawa-Kai was led by Yami, but Sanzu took care of him, and they accepted to stay neutral in this mess.

Yes, exactly. And Geto is a sly and mean man. But it seems like the Sumiyoshi-Kai leader and his executives are not better.

Hm? What d'you mean by that?

I was usually well-informed concerning these things, but when it came to the Sumiyoshi-Kai family, too many mysteries surrounded them. They were purposely hiding important elements such as their identity.

It seems as if he had difficulties controlling his second in command. The man likes to deal with the missions on his own.

So why are they working together then?

I don't know, I just heard that he accepted to stay with the Sumiyoshi-Kai because he had to avenge himself against the Yamaguchi-gumi.

Or Suguru Geto.

Silence settled between her and I, both trying to comprehend everything. Many things were still blurred, and some were missing too. I could feel it. What Natalie told me wasn't completely logical, but we would have to go with what we had for now.

You told me that because you thought that offering an alliance to the Sumiyoshi-Kai would be a good idea, Natalie?

I do think so. But I also know that their leader loves to take the matter in his own hands, so you'll have to be prepared to get a negative response.

Hm. Before finishing this one, did the Yamaguchi-gumi ask you to be an escort again?

By the way Natalie looked away, I guessed the answer. I didn't like her, I hated her. But I despised this Suguru Geto more than her. Why didn't you tell us?

Because..., it would have meant to say goodbye to all the information you needed, Sano. And I couldn't do that.

What prevented you from leaving Japan, hm?

Vee.

It's Venus for you, actually.

Could I see her at some point? I need to talk with her and-

Don't ask me. I'm not the one who decides for her, I'll ask Vee. But if she refuses, I'm not gonna try to change her mind.

I spent the rest of the morning doing research with the Haitani by my side.

As the afternoon was around the corner, I decided to leave. My head was about to burst with all the new names and information. Driving to Vee's place, I smirked a bit. She would be happy with what I planned, I was sure of it.

Parking in front of her house, I jogged to the porch, knocking before opening the door. I didn't think Vee would actually mind me entering like that. Even if she was naked, it wasn't as if I'd never seen her body before.

Vee baby?

Hearing a laugh from the other side of her house, I frowned. One was hers, I recognised it. But the second one..., a man ?? What the fuck?

Walking quickly down the corridor, I leant on the door frame, a tight smile on my face.

Vee.

Startling her, I noticed how she turned to me, wiping a tear away from her cheek, while the man looked at me, an eyebrow raised.

Blood boiling in my veins, I breathed deeply, taking several steps to her. Wrapping my arm around Vee's waist and moving my other hand to her jaw, I slammed my lips against hers.

Forcing her mouth to open, I shoved my tongue inside. My hand found her ass. Her hands quickly went to my chest, trying to push me away, but she wasn't really convincing. Her nails were caressing my shoulders, and smirking into the kiss, I opened my eyes throwing a glance at the fucker.

Looking away, he scratched his neck. He was embarrassed, good.

Detaching myself from Vee but keeping her close to my body, I smiled smugly at him.

Sorry, I haven't seen my girlfriend since yesterday. And you are...?

-Mikey

Hehehe does jealous Mikey mean jealous sex??

Mikey was waiting for an answer from Paul, who looked ready to let the ground swallow him whole. And I couldn’t offer much help, still dazed from the kiss Mikey gave me. Possessive prick, I knew he felt me trying to pull away.

I’m Paul, Venus’ new neighbor, he said as he stood, reaching a hand out to Mikey to shake. Rude as ever, my boyfriend only looked at it, but made no moves to return the gesture. I discreetly pinched him to get him to just shake the man’s damn hand but he didn’t budge.

I’m her boyfriend.

I could feel Paul’s gaze on me, like he was trying to find the truth of the statement in my eyes. Baby, don’t look at me! This is your interrogation, not mine. Um, I asked her to give my kitten a checkup before I took her home. He pointed downward at Lex who was trying to waddle her way up to Mikey and I, meowing as if to announce she was still here. Her name is Lex. Venus gave her the name.

She did? Mikey repeated and I nearly kicked Paul out of the house right there. He was obviously trying to get me into some kind of trouble, but I wanted nothing to do with the kind of trouble Mikey’d bring. Nope. Your girlfriend was not involved.

S’not like that, I mumbled, scooping Lex up and handing her to Paul. She squirmed in his arms, mewling at me with her pretty blue eyes. She truly was an adorable cat. Giving him all the results I gathered from her checkups today, I handed Paul a small white paper bag. Her results are in there. She’s healthy, and looks to stay that way. I packed some soluble and non soluble vitamins to assist her growth and some toothpaste for her breath. I also have little packets of formula so you can give her milk if you’d like. And don’t forget you have to come back to the vet for the paperwork.

Thank you, Venus. I’ll see you around.

No problem, I said, following him to the door. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’d be moving in with the fuming man beside me by the end of the month, and I was kinda surprised Mikey didn’t jump at the opportunity either. I just wanted him out of my house. Now. Mikey was already mad— I could feel it. It was safer to get the guy out now before the guns started blazing.

Clearly Paul didn’t understand the urgency. He turned around right before he could read the door, one hand digging in his pockets. I almost forgot to pay you.

Don’t worry abo- Paul’s hand was already leaving his pockets as I started to speak, but Mikey cut me off. Pay her.

Paul’s hand froze. I-

She was off today. She didn’t have to do shit for your cat, especially not for free. So pay her.

Tensions were rising and I wanted no parts. How about you pay for everything at the vet when you stop by? Deal? Deal. I didn’t wait for an answer, quickly ushering him out of the door with hasty goodbyes and clicking the lock in place when he was fully out.

Crisis averted, but Mikey was still mad. Problem was, I was mad too. And embarrassed. I ignored Mikey as he called for me, cleaning up the area everyone was just in. I continued ignoring him as I returned things to their rightful drawers, bags and cabinets. It was calming in a sense, and I was a bit ready to explain everything to him by the time I had put up my last kit.

Manji-

The words got caught in my throat. He was right in front of my face when I turned around, most likely at my heels from I first started to move.

[blueeyedheizer]

All Over Again - Matt (part 1)

WARNINGS: mention of a car accident, memory loss

A/N: Here it is ! The first part to my 3 or 4 parts fic. :) I know this trope is far from being original but I wanted to give it a go. Also this was originally supposed to be a one shot but the more I was writing, the more I got ideas so I decided to split it into a multiple part fics. let me know what you think xx

----

Matt was supposed to have been home from practice 2 hours ago. It was almost midnight and you were worried sick, pacing around the house and looking out the window every two minutes. You didn't think much of it at first and figured he had stayed in the studio a little longer to work on more songs, but after an hour you began to worry. You had tried calling his bandmates, but according to them he had left practice on time with everyone else.

“Did he seem upset during practice?” You questioned through the phone, biting your nails anxiously.

"It was a hard day, yeah. He kept on messing up his parts and was a bit more irritable than usual." James explains. You let out a deep, shaky sigh, one hand coming up to rest on your forehead and closing your eyes as you tried to keep your composure.

"Look James I, um- i'm sorry to bother you with this but Alex won't answer the phone either, do you think they might have gone to a pub together or something?"

"Alex went straight to his girlfriend's after practice. I'm sorry love, I really don't know about Matt. But don't worry about it too much, yeah? I'm sure he's fine. You know how he can be sometimes." you nod your head repeatedly, allowing a tear to slide down your cheek.

"Okay, yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. Thanks anyway James." you croak out before saying goodbye and ending the call. You had thought of calling Javed, but you knew it was already late and there was no way his dad would've let Matt in at such an hour. Your heart was beating insanely fast inside your chest and you were feeling like you could break down at any moment, the worst thoughts occupying your mind.

You eventually decided to lay down on the couch and play your favorite movie to try and get rid of the nagging voice in your head. Maybe he just went on a walk to clear his mind and stopped by a pub nearby. He might have met up with some friends there, which would explain why he was so late.

After a little while you heard the sound of the front door open. You immediately shot up, running over the door as Matt walked in. He didn't seem hurt at all, which was relieving. But you were still upset.

"Where the hell have you been?! Do you have any idea what time it is?!" he doesn't say anything and walks straight past you. "Matt, what's going on?!" you call after him as he makes his way to your shared bedroom.

"Why aren't you in bed?" he says coldly, completely ignoring your previous questions

"Because it's fucking midnight and my boyfriend who was supposed to be home two hours ago didn't show any sign of life until now!" you say and he scoffs. "I was worried sick, Matt!"

"I don't have a curfew to be home, Y/N. I've already had a shit day so if you could just fuck off and stop giving me unnecessary lectures I would appreciate it." you open your mouth to speak but close it again. You genuinely didn't know what to say anymore.

"Fine. Maybe I should leave and go have fun on my own somewhere then, since we don't have a curfew."

"Yeah, good. Leave. Maybe I'll finally get some peace and quiet." he spat.

With that, you turn around and walk out, grabbing your coat and car keys on your way. You storm out the front door, slamming it back close behind you and run straight to your car, silent tears leaving your eyes as you do.

You weren't sure how it happened.

Tears were blurring your vision as you drove to your best friend’s. You knew that she would gladly let you in, no matter what time of night you showed up, plus she wasn't the type to go to sleep early. You hated driving at night, but you needed to get some fresh air, you needed to get away from Matt. 

You eventually began to regret your decision of leaving as the fog covered your vision more than it already was with your tears. But it was too late to come back, and you still weren't ready to face him after what had just happened. He wanted to be alone, then he was going to get his alone time. Your hand gripped the wheel tightly as you wiped your cheeks and eyes furiously, but no matter how hard you tried to calm down and focus on the road, the tears would come back and blur your vision.

And before you had the chance to react to what was coming in front of you, you felt a violent collision, and your world went black.

Matt knew something was wrong the moment his dad burst into his room in a panic the next morning.

"Dad?! What the hell are you doing here? How did you get in?!" he yelled.

It was barely 7am when he got a call from the hospital letting him know that you had been taken there after a car accident. He was in shock, barely able to let any words out. You were like a daughter to him, so the news were hard to swallow. All he did since he burst into the room was to blurt out your name along with barely coherent words between breathless pants.

"Dad? What is it? What's wrong with Y/N?!" Matt said, immediately jumping out of bed. He grabbed his clothes and put them on quickly, waiting for an answer.

"She got– she in an accident last night. It's bad." he managed to get out.

Matt's heart stopped beating for a moment as he tried to comprehend what he was being told. Everything around him seemed to have stopped as the events from yesterday flashed through his mind. He stared at his dad, speechless, his face suddenly draining of all color as his eyes filled with tears. He was suddenly hit by a wave of guilt and he felt the whole air being knocked out of him. His heartbeat picked up and the room soon felt too suffocating. He couldn't breathe, the room was spinning, his ears ringing.

His dad grabbed his face with both hands to keep him grounded him then pat his cheek slightly.

"Come on now, we have to go. She needs you, son." He said, keeping a steady gaze on him. Matt snapped out of his daze and stormed out of the room, his dad following closely. He grabbed the car keys on his way and they both headed to the hospital in a hurry. Of course Matt’s dad insisted on driving, knowing that his son was in no way able to focus on the road in this state.

By the time they got there, Matt's eyes and face were bright red from how much he had been crying. He was out the door before the car even came to a complete stop, rushing into the emergency section of the building.

He burst through the front doors and begun looking around, trying to find a nurse, a doctor or anyone that could tell him about your condition. A nurse came out of one of the many rooms and he rushed towards her, tears still streaming down his cheeks as he asked where you were.

"Could you tell me her name again?" she asked, gently placing a hand on his shoulder to calm him down. He nodded and repeated, trying to keep it together. The nurse lead him to the reception, searched through her papers then looked up after a few seconds.

"She's in surgery right now so I can’t let you go see her just yet. We're doing the best we can to keep her alive, but from what I know she got into a pretty bad accident, and this kind of surgery requires hours and hours of work." she continues and he nods, trying not to completely break down in front of her. She gives him more details about the surgery before leading him to the waiting room where your family and some friends of yours were waiting.

three days later.

''It's been over half an an hour...'' Matt finally spoke up, breaking the silence as he paced anxiously around the waiting room. "Someone should be able to tell us something by now.''

''I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, Matt." Javed answered softly in an attempt to comfort both himself and Matt. Matt sighed and nodded before he finally sat down in the space between James and Javed. No one was speaking. Everyone avoided eye contact, too busy being lost in their own thoughts, moving their legs anxiously. Matt however couldn't stay still, but no one could blame him. He had been staying with you every day since you got there, even though you weren't awake, and now that they finally had some news they wouldn't let him see you. Family first.

He fidgeted and bit his lips nervously, the worst thoughts constantly occupying his mind. He buried his face in his hands, more tears falling down his face. Needless to say, no one had ever seen him like this before. He looked extremely tired and sleep-deprived, and the guilt was eating him alive. Javed placed a comforting hand on his back.

"You need to stop blaming yourself, Matt. This is not your fault." he says. "She’s going to be okay."

“It is my fault, J. If I hadn’t come home so late and told her to leave...—” he chokes, opening his mouth before closing it again. "She went out because of me. She's here because of me. If she had died—" he starts, but James interrupts him.

"But she's alive, mate. That's all that matters right now. You can't take back what you said or did, but you still have time with her to make it up."

As he was about to stand up and start pacing around again, Matt's head shot up at the sound of footsteps coming towards the waiting room. In a matter of seconds he was on his feet and your mom was at the door with a small forced smile and wet cheeks, a nurse standing beside her.

''Miss Y/L/N is awake.'' the nurse said. "You can see her, but you all should know that she's showing signs of amnesia." everyone's face dropped as they took in the information. "We do not know whether it is permanent or temporary. She remembers her mother and her name but couldn't tell us today's date, whether it is day, month or year. I just want you all to be prepared in case she has a hard time remembering any of you, which could be a possibility." Everyone in the room nodded then started hugging each other to express a deep relief along with sorrow. After three days of constant fear and sleepless nights, you were awake. But then, there was the possibility of you not remembering them. Matt hugged your mom tightly before they all followed the nurse into your room. His heart started racing as he thought about all the things he wanted to say to you. He didn't think apologies would be enough.

He finally snapped out of his thoughts when he reached the door to your room, his heart aching at the sight of his girlfriend laying on a hospital bed.

You were slightly startled when the door to your room opened again, your nurse walking in along with a bunch of people you couldn't quite recognise as you struggled to keep your eyes open. Your entire body felt numb. You tried to sit further up, but your were immediately stopped by a striking pain coming from your ribs. You lifted your hand in an attempt to scratch your head but you were surprised to feel a bandage under your fingertips and see one wrapped around your wrist. Confused, you realized the upper part of your body was bandaged, but you couldn’t quite figure out why.

"Hello again, Y/N." your nurse smiled "Some people are here to see you. Could you tell me if you recognise any of them?"

Vision still blurry, you frowned and attempted to turn your head to the right. You let out a small groan, the movement triggering an ache.

"Take your time, there is no rush." the nurse says.

Then someone took a seat next to you and grabbed a hold of your hand that wasn't bandaged. You eventually managed to take a proper look at your surroundings, looking around yourself. Your mom was there, along with Javed.

"Um...well, there's mom again. And Javed." you spoke weakly. A small smile curved your lips when you saw him. You two had been friends since 6th grade. You then looked at the two boys behind him. "I don't think I know you." you spoke with a frown." James and Alex's faces dropped a little, but they were kind of expecting it. You weren't as close with them as you were with Javed, so you had fewer memories of them and more forgettable ones.

Then you met the other boy's eyes, the one sitting beside you.

You said nothing while staring at him before realising that he was holding onto your hand which you slowly pried away from him. Your brows furrowed as you looked at him. His nose, his hair, his lips. Then his eyes. You looked into them, trying to find any form of familiarity, but there was none. Why was he holding your hand?

"Y/N?" he says, his voice weak. You could tell he was fighting back tears. You frowned again, lips parting in confusion. You gave your mom a worried glance before looking back at him.

"I...I'm sorry but, am I supposed to know you?"

[wickedbarnes]

Guns and Roses (Pt. 1) | John Wick x Reader

Part 2

PROMPT: With Helen's passing, the infamous assassin, John Wick is finding ways to recover and find meaning to his life once again. It wasn't until he comes across the new flower shop downtown that he realized he will do whatever it takes to grip onto the tiny leverage of salvation that's wearing sundresses with flowers in her hair.

THEME: Non-Con. DubCon. Obsession. Dark!John x Innocent/Naive!Reader. Abduction. Lots of smut. Don't read if any of these make you uncomfortable.

NOTE: This is the newly reconstructed plot for Beauty and The Beast that I had put on hold for many weeks. I hope this makes up for the inconvenience I've made for putting that story on hiatus. In this fic, Helen Wick was killed rather than dying of an illness that's why John is taking it way harder than in the movies.

John remembers it like yesterday. It haunts him in his dreams every night, making it harder to fall asleep everytime. The bags under his eyes were the constant reminder of his sleepless nights. He doesn't even remember the last time he even slept properly. He only slept peacefully when he was with Helen. But now that she was gone, sleep felt more like a chore that he couldn't really finish.

A sigh had left his lips as he put the empty mug in the sink, deciding to just wash it later on when he gets home. Home. Is this even home anymore? John looks around the house that he had built specifically for Helen and him and noticed how gloomy it was despite how classy and refreshing it looked. It was empty and quiet and... and it lacked the energetic aura that it once had.

John closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. He needed to stop moping around and finish his tasks for today. After Helen's death, John had found himself going right back into the world he had worked hard to get out of. What was the point anyway? It was all he had left. Might as well die working surrounded by his enemies rather than die alone.

But then again, he'd die lonely either way.

John solemnly got ready. It was Helen's death anniversary, he had to look his best. He got dressed in a fine tailored suit. A brown one, for a change. The same suit that Helen loved so much. John also made sure to pack an extra black suit on his way to the Continental. He didn't want to waste the day away by feeling down all the time. He knew Helen would be disappointed in him.

When his hair was gelled to perfection, John had packed his weapons and hoisted a pistol or two and some knives in their holders. After that, he was good to go.

John brushed his fingers against Helen's picture that was hanging on the wall before he got out of his house and locked the door behind him, walking over to his beloved Mustang that also had memories of Helen in it.

Flowers. He needed to get some flowers for her. He hoped there was a near flower shop so he wouldn't have to drive so far. The nearest one was an hour away from him and the cemetery where Helen rests. He wasn't in the mood for such a long drive.

But it seemed fate had taken pity on him. Because not long after, he had spotted a small flower shop that seemed as if it was fairly new. A fair amount of customers were inside and John decided to park his car on the side of the road before he turned the engine off and walked inside, the bell ringing as he opened the door.

The people inside looked up at him curiously, some seemed to know him and gave him a nod. Some of them were too scared to even acknowledge him.

John wondered where the staff were and his question was answered when a woman walked in carrying a bouquet of carnations with a soft smile plastered on her face before she handed it to an elderly woman.

"Thank you so much, my dear. You never fail to make the best bouquets." The woman's compliments emits a laughter from the girl that sounded so melodious in John's ear.

It reminded him of how Helen once laughed. But hers sounded more carefree and gentle.

"Anything for you, Mrs. Jameson. Do have a good day." The girl smiled and with that, the woman left and it was just her, John, and one of the assassins he had recognized from the Continental.

"And what can I get for the two gentlemen?" The girl asked and John heard the man beside him speak but he found himself tuning him out as he took the moment to stare at the girl who was wearing a yellow sundress. The assassin would watch her write down on her little notepad, taking notes of what the man beside him was asking her to do and what kind of flowers he wanted.

John watched her move around, noticing the little daisies that were tied around her hair. She pretty much looks like a fairy and the fact that she was much smaller and daintier than him didn't help either.

No, he shouldn't be oggling her like this, he's married!

A widowed man, you mean.

He had to bite back the groan at the thought. But instead, he gathered his composure and smiled down at the woman when she came back carrying the bouquet her other customer had requested.

"Here we are. Fresh tulips for you, sir." She happily handed the bouquet to the man who paid her generously and put some tip in her tip jar.

"Thank you, miss, they're beautiful and uh..." The man glanced at John and smirked slightly at him, "And do have a safe day. It gets dangerous these days."

The girl seemed to miss how the man looked at John with mischievousness in his eyes and John was kind of thankful for that because he didn't find it amusing at all.

"I'll keep that in mind, sir, have a nice day." The girl smiled and averted her gaze to the notepad she had as the man patted John's back before whispering quietly near his ear.

"Shouldn't stare too much, Mr. Wick." John looked at the man on his way out, ignoring the way how he taunted him by giving a two fingered salute.

"And for you, sir, what would you like to have today?" The girl's voice brought him out of his thoughts and looked down at her as she looked up at him patiently waiting for his answer.

"Oh, uh... daisies, please." He answered, ignoring how shocked he was with his answer. Daisies weren't Helen's favorite flower. But the girl seemed to beam at his reply and John smiled softly at that. Smile. It's been a while since he smiled.

"Nice choice, I like daisies." She said and wrote it down on her notepad, "Do you want the daisies to be mixed with something else?"

John thought for a moment and saw the tiny rose tattoo that she had on her wrist.

"Roses. Red, please."

The little fairy in front of him smiled and wrote it down on paper before she looked up at him, "These are good combinations, no one has made these one up yet, I haven't made them up yet to be honest."

"Well I guess I have a new profound talent now." John replied as a giggle escaped from the girl's lips.

"That, you do! The person you're gonna give this to is gonna be happy with them, I'm sure."

"I wish they were here to appreciate them."

"Oh, are they somewhere far away?"

He sighed, "Yeah, something like that. She uh, passed away."

Murdered, he wanted to say.

The girl's eyes widened and John could tell she immediately regret asking any questions but he didn't feel the need to take any offence.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know, I shouldn't have asked." She said apologetically but John found himself shaking his head and smiling softly, feeling patient with the lady in front of him.

"No, it's alright. It's been three years, I've moved on."

Have you? He questioned himself.

"Still. I shouldn't have been so nosey." She bit down on her bottom lip and gestured over to the chair behind John, "Please, sit! This'll take a while I hope you're not in any hurry."

"No, please, take your time." John would say as he took the opportunity to sit down.

John didn't want to oggle at the girl while she worked but he found it hard not to. She moved with such grace and poise it was as if he was watching a gracious ballerina dancing in front of a thousand audience. The sundress she wore flowed freely with her moves and the slight breeze that came in from the windows blew her hair softly until a tiny daisy fell from her soft mane and landed onto John's knee.

The assassin carefully took it and while the girl wasn't looking, he quietly placed it in the pocket of his coat, making sure he wouldn't lose it. And it surprised him why he was keeping it safe with him in the first place.

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted when he heard her softly calling out to him. And John immediately stood up and walked over to the counter where she happily handed the bouquet in his hands and John took in how elegant yet adorable the arrangement looked.

"I made sure to pick out the prettiest red roses I had. I believe all of them had recently bloomed." The girl smiled and placed something on the counter and John looked down to see a tiny cactus situated on a small pot, "To make up for being so nosey earlier."

Innocence. John felt an overwhelming wave of innocence from her that it almost shook him to the core. Not even Helen was this soft.

Oh, God. Why was he comparing Helen to her?

"Oh, no, I can't take that. It's alright, I didn't take any offence." John would say and gently pushed back the cactus to her but she almost looked as if she was about to pout at him but instead, pursed her lips together.

"No, please, I insist. I feel guilty for even asking you such a personal question. Just look at it as my gift to you, you wouldn't decline on a gift now, would you?" John stared down at her for a moment and watched her take his calloused hand in her softer one and made him hold the small pot.

"It's rude to refuse gifts from people, sir." She smiled and pulled back and John suddenly remembered how Helen had told her the exact same thing back then.

"Oh, come on, John!" Helen whined and pushed the velvet box back to him, "It's your birthday, you deserve this!"

"But, honey, this must've cost a lot, you shouldn't be wasting money on me." John reasoned out and pushed the box gently back to her.

"Wasting? I'm not wasting anything, Jonathan, you're being ridiculous!" Helen sighed and grabbed his hand and made him hold the box, "John, please?"

"But, I-"

"No buts."

John sighed deeply and finally gave in when he saw the twinkle of hope in his wife's eyes when she finally realizes he's taking the gift she gave.

"It's rude to refuse a gift, John. Especially a gift from your wife." John playfully rolled his eyes and grinned at her.

"Alright, alright." He chuckled, "Thank you, sweetheart. The watch looks incredible, I love it."

"Oh, I know it is. But you're welcome, baby. You know I'd give you anything and everything."

"Thank you." John replied after he zoned out for what seemed like eternity. He hoped she didn't notice him doing so, "It's adorable, I love it."

"It is, yes. I wish I could tell you some tips on how to care for one but I wouldn't wanna keep you from your errands. Besides, a simple search on the internet would help you out anyways."

John looked down at his watch and noticed he had been here for about fourty-five minutes now.

"Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine by here." He fished out his wallet and handed some cash to the fairy girl and dropped a fair amount of tip inside the tip jar.

"Thank you, sir. And have a nice day ahead!" She smiled and John could've sworn the twinke in her eyes made her smile even more breathtaking than it already was.

"I sure will. You too, doll." And with that, he walked out of the store and silently hoped she didn't latch onto how he had called her doll.

Hopping inside his car, John carefully placed the bouquet and his new cacti on the passenger seat and began to slowly drive to the local cemetery.

"God, why the fuck would you call her doll?" He asked himself, gripping the steering wheel a bit tighter, "And you didn't even ask for her name!"

John felt frustrated. But why? Why was he? Is it because he called her doll and possibly sounded like a creep? Or is it because he forgot to ask her name?

Why would he ask for her name anyway?

John shook his head and focused on the road ahead. No, this is Helen's day. He shouldn't he dwelling on a certain woman who reminds him so much of a dainty little fairy.

When he pulled up at the cemetery, John carefully parked his car and grabbed the bouquet before he got out and walked over to where Helen's grave was.

Upon seeing her name, John felt more at ease but the sadness in his heart never seemed to go away even until now.

"Hey, sweetheart." He greeted her and lightly brushed his fingers against the tombstone.

"I got you flowers." He crouched down and gently placed the flowers on the ground before he reached up and lightly traced her name that was engraved on the stone.

Helen Wick.

A sense of guilt coursed through his veins. This was the first time he brought a different set of flowers for her. These were red roses and daisies and he only got it because of the girl from the store. Because he reminded him of her not because it was Helen's favorite.

Helen's favorite were gardenias. Why the fuck would he even get these flowers in the first place?

John's frustration was slowly growing and he was almost close to throwing and ruining the whole bouquet itself but something stopped him from doing so.

"It never gets easy, Hel. It's so hard without you." He spoke softly.

And somehow, he began to hope. That maybe it doesn't have to be so difficult.

That maybe there was something more than just Helen.

And John couldn't help but think back to the girl from the flower shop that wore a yellow sundress with daisies in her hair and a rose tattoo on her wrist.

It wouldn't be too bad if he paid her a visit next time...

Right?

TAGS: @a-really-bi-girl @fanficsrusz @fairylightsandchai @pinkzsugar @edgiestwinter @paanchu786

[daybreak-delusion]

Chapter 8

Introduction: Whitney Goodwinson was planning on inheriting one of her deceased grandmother's properties, but not a little house off the coast of North Carolina.  As she struggles to meet new people, fix up her new property, deal with troublemaker JJ Maybank, and perfect her grandmother's infamous lemonade, she might just find that the Outer Banks has more to offer than it seems. 

Series Masterlist 

Previous Chapter

The drive back from The Wreck was as smooth as a ride in an old Volkswagen could be. It wasn’t that bad of a sight either. Through the trees, I could catch glimpses of the beach and water. I could make out little surfers trying to catch waves, fishermen trying to haul in their catches, and tourists getting sunburnt on their towels. I decided to stop at the park I saw on my way to The Wreck and eat my lunch. There were large tall trees good for climbing surrounding a playset with a couple of benches and picnic tables. I sat on a bench closer to the playset and dug in. JJ wasn’t kidding this sandwich was exactly what I needed to get over my hunger and my fires? Oh my god, I could kill for another batch. There were a couple of kids playing on the playset that looked like a lawsuit waiting to happen. They were oblivious to their danger however as they played tag around the swing set. I honestly couldn’t remember the last time I had as much fun as those kids were and wondered if I’d ever be that happy again. On that depressing note, I decided to leave so their mothers wouldn’t peg me as a pedophile. 

Before heading back to the Lemon House I looked up a market to get some groceries. The store didn’t have the biggest variety, but I got what I needed: pasta, fruits, vegetables, beans, almonds, rice, Skinny Pop, and other kinds of snacks. If I planned my meals correctly I should have enough for the rest of the month. I also took note of the hardware store that was next to it and decided I would come back tomorrow for paint and other supplies for touching up the house. When I got back it took a couple of trips, but I finally got all the groceries inside. I walked outside with JJ’s burger to see the golden boy throwing away a bag of weeds. 

“Hey, Golden Boy!” I yelled walking over to him. 

“Ah miss Sunshine how was The Wreck,” he replied, wiping off some sweat on his face with the bottom of his shirt giving me a view of his incredibly toned abs. I assumed he had a good body based on the look of his arms, but hot damn this boy could be a Greek god. What I would do to get his boy to let me put- 

“Hello,” JJ yelled, snapping his fingers at me, “how was The Wreck?” 

“Hm oh yeah, it was fine,” I stupidly replied, praying that he didn’t notice my ogling, “Um I got you a burger, Kie said it was your favorite.” 

“Aww Sunshine you didn’t have to do that,” he said grabbing the bag and scarfing down the burger. 

“No problem, so you get everything done?” I asked him, taking his trash. I ignored the voice in the back of my head praying that he still had more stuff to do. 

“Yeah I just finished up for the day, unless you have any other pressing matters you need me to satisfy,” he teased, giving me his heart-melting smirk. I would have been more smitten if he didn’t have a piece of lettuce in his teeth. 

“In your dreams Golden Boy,” I tried to say confidently, but it came out more like a stutter. 

“Every night Sunshine.” 

“We met yesterday dummy, remember that you still work for me so keep your dreams at bay.” 

“Whatever you say, boss lady, don’t miss me too much tomorrow,” he said as we walked over to the front of the house. 

“Trust me I’ll be able to manage,” I said as we approached a rusty, red dirt bike, “I’ll have your new schedule by Monday, you still good with helping me fix up a couple of things around the house right?” 

“Yeah, yeah sure thing, but you’ll pay me extra right?” he clarified, raising his eyebrows. 

“Yes JJ I’m true to my word, but it probably won't be as much as my Grandmother paid you. Is $15 an hour okay?” 

“Eh, I don’t know about that Sunshine. My price per hour is a little bit higher than that.” 

“Don’t play me JJ minimum wage here is like $7 be lucky I’m not giving you $10.” 

“Fine, fine can't blame me for trying,” he said climbing on to the bike, “see ya later Sunshine!” 

And just like that, he was off down the road with a cloud of dust behind him. I couldn't help but notice the sad feeling in my chest as I watched this boy drive away. God, what was wrong with me, I had met him what? Yesterday? This was ridiculous. But it wasn’t until JJ was gone when I realized how lonely I actually was. I’ve had my share of loneliness of course, but I always had someone to be there for me whether it was a teacher or the librarian or even Grandmother sometimes. But now she was gone and here I was longing for the company of a boy that almost went to juvie. Great. 

Pushing my feelings down I turned back to the house and went inside. In the kitchen, the lemons had been placed in a white bowl on the counter by a certain Golden Boy. I was then filled with energy as I remembered what task I had planned to take on today: making Grandmother’s lemonade. How hard could it be right? Apparently really fucking hard. 

First of all, it took me forever to find a knife of all things. Then I had to find a bowl or a jug or something to put the lemon juice in. Then I had to look up a YouTube video on how to juice the freakin lemons and on top of that my first try, I squirted lemon juice in my eye which was absolutely agonizing. After that it went kinda smoothly, I added water and some sugar and was finally finished. Too bad it tasted horrible. It had too much pulp in it and was so sour my eyes started watering. I had to spit out the poison I had made into the sink. Giving up I dumped the rest of the liquid and started to clean up my mess. While washing dishes I looked out the window above the sink outside to see an amazing sunset. The sky was a gorgeous orange color that took up the whole sky. It was breathtaking. Dusk was always my favorite time of the day. Everything and everyone seems to be calmer as the day winds to an end. After I finished cleaning up my failure I decided to turn in for the night, but not before making a plan for the house. 

I had planned on using the money that I had inherited from Grandmother to pay for the refurbishing of the house and to pay JJ. Now, Grandmother had mostly taken care of everything in the house, but the outside was another story. Firstly the whole house inside and out needed a good dusting. The house also needed a new coat of paint along with the garage. Speaking of the garage it needed to be cleaned out and I was even debating tearing it down and just building a new one, but I vetoed that idea. The garden in the front of the house along with the flower boxes needed to be replanted which would be easy. The back porch was nice, but I wanted to see what I could do with it. Maybe paint the porch and get some new furniture. It definitely needed some sort of fan or cooling system, but we’ll get there when we get there. I also hadn’t seen the greenhouse up close, but I could tell it needed a good wash. It would take a while, but hopefully, JJ would be a good help. Maybe he could help me in other ways too. Stop. But why? Because I barely know this guy and it’s not like I’m an expert in flirting or making boys fall for me and why am I even considering this? He’s working for me if I hooked up with him that would only complicate everything. There were also my suspicions about Kie and JJ and the last thing I wanted to become was a homewrecker. Emotions and relationships are not my cup of tea and I’m just here for the summer. Well, the summers not over yet! This is going to be a long month.

a/n: Poor Whitney so lonely, but that’ll change soon! thank you so much for reading I cannot express how excited I get when people like my chapters, it really mean a lot to me! Only one chapter today, but the next one will take a turn! Stay tuned!  

[lunacwolphe]

Celexa and Gabapentin Day 5&6: Weekend Overview 5/5-6/18

Busy weekend was busy 😁

Friday night, Husband's grandfather called and needed us to come over yesterday. He thought he had given us a car jack (he hadn't) so Husband took the one we do have in case he needed it.

Since they were out of town for the morning, we got up and took everyone out for coffee and to the park. Miss asked if we could invite her friend, so I sent a text and the parents brought their son out to play. We spent like 2 hours at the park.

Over the summer we hope to be able to get together so they can play more. The family is from Venezula and don't have many friends here so they've been super thankful that Miss has taken so well with their son.

After the park we went to Home Depot for garden dreaming ^_^

Then we headed out to the grandparents since they were home. Grandfather didn't need the back, he found the one he was looking for but since they're moving soon he's offered Husband a bunch of his old stuff. We're going back next weekend to pick it up.

The grandmother gave me two planters with some succulents in them.

We decided to drive around for a bit after we left. I was in pain by then from all the walking around but didn't want to ruin the day so kept quiet as much as I could. Husband said I was acting cranky and a bit rude at the grandparents when I told him I was hungry. When I asked what I did he couldn't out and out tell me anything that was wrong just that he felt I was cranky.

We stopped to get take out.

As soon as we got home, I crawled up in bed to eat. We watched a new movie as well, Deep Blue Sea 2 (so so so horrible).

As soon as it was 8:30, I went a head and took all my medicine. I crashed asleep by 9 pm and slept all night long.

Woke up today and began to cook breakfast for Husband (kids already ate) when he got a text from Uncle that they were otw over. So everybody rushed about spot cleaning and making the house presentable.

They stayed for a bit and Sister came over to see them. Nothing horrible happened except she had 4 people tell her either leave her fuckup of a spouse or the family was going to take care of it. He's not physically abusive, but very emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative. Like there's a whole slew of drama going on and I'm not spooned enough to go thru it all. We did tell her that if she needs a place for the kids she knows they're safer here than with his parents.

After they left, Husband and I just sat and watched tv. I sewed up Middle's spiderman blanket that had a rip in it. Talked with Husband again about how my behaviour was and he still couldn't give specifics of what I did wrong and felt I was just rude and that maybe I wasn't mean it was just him being tired and misreading my emotions.

But he says that my mood has improved and I'm doing better. He can tell a marked improvement in my attitude and stuff.

Went and laid out in the hammock for a bit and just came in. I'll be taking a shower later and taking my medicine.

I am definitely not eating as much as I was. I get hungry often but I don't eat til bursting, just til I'm no longer hungry.

The gaba helps a lot as long as I don't do anything to hurt myself. I think yesterday I walked too much and that's why I was in such pain. Today I've done very little and it's been a very low pain level all day.

All in all, the weekend went well and I'm proud of my accomplishments.