#i was just thinking and got teary-eyed so ofc i have to pour it out somewhere

[queenquid]

bit of a personal monologue below (tw suicide mentions, self harm)

if you had told me six years ago that I'd be entering my last year at the JC and then transferring to a "real" college with actual plans for my life in the next 5-10 years I would've thought you were optimistic at best, cruelly naive at worst. the person i was at 25 was so checked out and miserable and angry and afraid all the time. but everything i've accomplished, even if its little compared to where i "should" be at age 31, is all due in thanks to that person. if i'd given up back then, i'd be dead by now. i thought about suicide every single day, and everything was so dark and it felt like i was being suffocated by my own stagnancy and lack of purpose. but she didn't give up, i didn't give up. even when i would silently sob or hurt myself or try to die again and again some small part of myself could never fully let go of the hope of finding or creating something better. and i'm not saying im perfectly mentally healthy, because that's not a real thing that people are, but the way i handle stress and anxiety has fundamentally changed. all it took was 6 years of serious therapy with medication on and off and my willingness to face dark and hurtful parts of myself. to be brutally and vulnerably honest with myself and with someone else.

and also. the dark truth is that my moms death completely freed me. everything i do now, i do out of her horrendous shadow. the complexity of our relationship will never be fully understood, nor do I want to devote any more of my precious time to it. but her dying was the best gift she ever gave me.

so a big thank you to my mom for dying, and an even bigger thank you to me from six years ago who looked at our life and said if we don't change we'll die and i don't want to die. i want to live. and so now im going to live my life however i can and i'm looking forward to it.

[imagine-all-the-imagines]

“Imagine finding out Casey is alive.”

Warnings: Alcoholism, mentions of death, one mention of taking down a pedophile ring. If I missed any, please let me know. 

Based on this request: “ Anonymous asked: Hi! I have to jump on the Casey wagon here! Maybe Casey had to go into WPP, never had the chance to tell R and they made her fake her death. Maybe after like a year R thinks she saw Casey in manhattan which is ofc crazy but few days later Casey shows up to apologize & explain which is an emotional roller coaster for R but ofc R loves casey? and R also is really close friends with Alex, Liv and Amanda? Maybe after Casey’s “death” R had a lil issue with alcohol? Thank u I love ur blog!!!”

A/N: I am so sorry to end it this way, I will write another part to it I promise! 

I went ahead and made this during the Cragen Era. And I’m sorry I didn’t really mention the others. I just thought that the relationship would be better with Cragen due to shared life experience. I will elaborate on a friendship with Liv and Rollins in the next part!

________________________________________________________________

You walked into the squad room, sunglasses still over your eyes to try and block out the fluorescent lights shining down on you. You hazard a peek at your watch and internally cursed the device as it showed that you were fifteen minutes late.

As you snuck you your desk, you prayed that the captain wouldn’t catch you. Sitting down, you heard the captain’s door open.

“Detective Y/L/N. Can I see you for a minute?”

You didn’t move.

“Not a suggestion Detective.”

You let out a small groan and got up to head to the office.

As you entered, the captain gestured to the seat in front of his desk. Taking a seat, you looked at your hands, avoiding the look you were sure was fixed in your direction.

“Y/L/N, you planning on taking the glasses off anytime soon?”

You slowly take the glasses off, grimacing as the unfiltered light hit your eyes.

“Sorry Cap, had a rough night last night. Guess it was worse than I thought.” You tried to smile at him, but even you could feel that it wasn’t a true smile.

Your captain looked at you with concern in his eyes. Rummaging through a few cards on his desk, he pulled one out and passed it over to you. “I’m not sure what’s going on, but with the past few months that we’ve all had, it might help to go talk to someone.”

“You offering this to everyone? Or just the ones who come in with a hangover?” You ask.

“Well, when the ones who come in nursing hangovers do so a majority of the week, I figure they could use the support.” The captain gestures for you to take the card and you do.

You had been going to therapy for a over a month now. They had gotten you into AA and had helped you see how the things you had gone through in the past few months weren’t your fault, you could control this. It wasn’t in control of you.

You had cleared all traces of alcohol out of your apartment, even to go so far as to throw out your regular mouth wash and opt for an alcohol free one. It was a rough transition, but your therapist said that it would help remove the temptations. 

You looked at the small chalkboard that you kept in your kitchen, it had a short list of items you needed, and in the top right corner a number. You erased it and and scribbled the number fifty seven in it’s place. You looked at the two chips  you had hanging on the board, silver and red. Your first day and your first month, both big accomplishments. You had asked Captain Cragen to be there when you were given it, he was the one who got you the help, and he had told you of his own struggle with alcoholism. You had made a promise to him, you wouldn’t let it get that bad again. He had told you that you needed to promise that to yourself, not to him. 

________________________________________________________________

You walked into the squad room and went to the captain’s office, knocking before going in. 

“Hey Captain, I just want to let you know, I’m coming up on day sixty here in a couple days. I would like it if you could be there, you know, like last time?”

Captain Cragen gave you a smile, “Of course! I would be honored.” Cragen got up and gave you a handshake and a pat on the back, “I’m very proud of you, Y/L/N, how is it going? your sponsor still helping you out?” 

You nodded, “Yeah, she’s checking in on me, it’s gotten easier, but I’ve had some rough days.” 

Cragen gave you a sympathetic smile, “You can do it, I’m here, and your sponsor, you can always lean on us.” 

You felt yourself getting teary-eyed, “Thanks Cap. It helps knowing I have a support system.” 

“Now, enough of this, we’ve got some cases to work on.” Cragen said, ushering you out of the office to address the team. 

________________________________________________________________

The months went by and you had your ups and downs. There were days when you felt as if there was nothing that could stop you, no baggage weighing you down. But there were also bad days, days when it all came crashing back to you. 

This was one of the bad days. 

You could feel all the thoughts, the memories, creeping into your mind. You could feel it all crashing down suddenly and you knew you needed to do something, anything. But it was too late. The memories burst through to the surface and you were drowning. 

________________________________________________________________

You had been working a tough case, taking down a pedophile ring with people in the highest level offices involved. You had all received your share of threats, but Casey, your DA, had gotten the worst of it. She was the one who had to question the scumbags in court, she was the one airing all the vile things that they had done. 

Eventually the case was over, you had solid evidence, but some of the people involved just had too many connections. Every person that had been accused was sent to prison, but the threats that came didn’t come from them but from manila envelopes with only Casey’s name on it, death threats, descriptions of vile and horrific things that they were planning. 

Every night, you had made sure that Casey made it home ok, that she was safe. The two of you had spent every day together, getting closer. You had been thinking of how to tell her about your feeling, how every time you saw her, your heart felt like it was running on pure adrenaline. How you felt such a wave of relief every time she told you that she had made it home. 

You had worked up the courage, knowing that Casey was finishing up in court, you wanted to go to her office and surprise her. As you walked up the steps to the building, you saw Casey coming out. You gave her a wave and started walking towards her when you heard the noise. At first you didn’t register that anything had happened. Then you saw Casey fall. 

________________________________________________________________

It had been over a year since you saw Casey fall. A year since you had watched her bleed out on the steps. A year since you fell apart. You had started drinking to cope with the pain, to numb yourself. It wasn’t until Cragen gave you the card that you realized you had a problem. 

And here it was again, thee memories making you relive the worst day of your life. 

You made your way outside, hoping that fresh air would help clear your head. Looking around at all the people going about their day, not paying  any mind to the woman quietly losing her mind. And that’s when you saw it. 

A flash of red hair and a familiar face. 

You stood frozen for a moment, and then your instincts kicked in. You ran after where you thought you had seen the person, but there was no one there. You tried to clear your mind, but you couldn’t. 

Looking around desperately, you tried to find her face in the crowd again. But she was gone. Your mind had you chasing a ghost. 

________________________________________________________________

That night you walked into your apartment and placed your groceries on the counter. Unpacking them all until there was only one bag left. Reaching for it with shaky hands you pulled out the last item. A bottle of whiskey.

Pulling out a small cup from the cabinet, you broke the seal on the bottle and poured a bit into the cup. As you took the cup, the chalkboard caught your eye. The number 359 stared you back. Immediately, you felt guilty. Letting your worst memories drive you to this point. 

Setting the cup on the counter, you started to cry. You cried for everything that you had lost, everything that you could never get back. 

You were in the middle of your crying when you heard the knock at your door.

“Just a minute!” You called out, grabbing tissues and blotting your face as you went to the door, yanking it open. 

When you looked up, your breath stopped. 

“Casey?”

[biscuitfam]

Healing Hands

Summary: Despite leaving the life of hunting behind, you were slowly reeled back in by the one and only Sam Winchester. You told yourself you would never fall in love again; you had lied to yourself twice.

WC: 1625+

Pairing: Sam  x Reader, OFC Sabrina

Warnings/Tags: flangst, mention of minor character loss (reader’s daughter)

A/N: Posting something other than Doctor Who fics. I’m trying to become more multifandom. ASKS ARE OPEN! SEND A REQUEST!

Also, if you enjoy my content consider buying me a ko-fi to support this broke college student  >  Here!

Meeting the Winchesters had been a matter of fate, you were freshly out into the world on your own, nowhere to go, no plans to work from and a long road of decisions to make. You weren’t broken or weak, in fact, you were stubborn and not so easily discouraged. You didn't choose to be brought into this world of hunting, into the long line of hunters before you. Rule number one was the simplest; don’t let others in. Protecting them from this life would protect you from lifelong regret. Many hunters have the same wish as you: to have a normal life. You still had nightmares of that night, even years after what happened. Her blood and cries still stained your memories The night you lost your daughter was the night you vowed that never hunt again. It was one big, unforgivable mistake even if it was an accident. Accidents happen and while being told that hunters could never have that life, it never occurred to you that you couldn’t be an exception.

It had been a little over a year since you swore to yourself that you would never hunt again. You had become a waitress in a greasy little dinner in just another run downtown. That night was like any other: orders, cleaning the anywhere but near immaculate place and closing. The winter air had gripped your skin harshly that night, the streets a near ivory black and the silence pure and unadulterated. It all occurred so fast, from the first step outside to then being knocked unconscious by the unknown force. You didn't expect the soft yellow fluorescent lighting when you woke, but it blinded your sight nevertheless and two men hovered in your peripheral. They were both leggy, one more so than the other, but both wore layers of plaid miles thick. You sat up with exhaustive eyes, looking between the two men; they stared back at you with the same dumbfounded expression.

“ What the hell are we going to do now, Dean?” The taller of the two spoke, his brows dipped down into a frown.

--

That was two years ago. From what the boys had said, they saved you from some local vamps. Something so simple, but from being rusty, you put down your guard. Letting down your guard happened more than once during those first few hours of knowing them, and then some over the years.  Despite leaving the life of hunting behind, you were slowly reeled back in by the one and only Sam Winchester. You told yourself you would never fall in love again; you had lied to yourself twice. Hunting came as a natural, bare instinct. Wielding a weapon between your fingertips turned out to come with ease, a natural-born talent that you would never escape. Falling in love was a softer story and one you wished you would not repeat. It may have been more life-threatening than hunting itself. Being with the Winchesters was like having a gun locked and loaded against your skull -- dangerous.

At the start, you dreamed of the day Sam would know, what his reaction would be and how a large smile might break out across the plane of his restless face. Those dreams were only dreams, however. Beautiful, bright, hopeful daydreams that always became crushed down by the weight of anxiety and fear of rejection when you got the chance to be alone with the youngest of the two. And that scared the living hell out of you because you hated to fall in love again after your daughter’s father. It just so happened that Sam felt the same way about you. That’s how he slowly began to learn about Sabrina. Your daughter.

A case had led you and the boys to a small city where newer, stronger creatures were on the loose. It wasn’t the same old salt and burn, or demon knife to the chest. It wasn’t killing sirens or ghouls. There were no werewolves or lonesome vampires. The town held more dangerous, different creatures than you’ve never seen before. You began to feel helplessly lost with the scattered notes before you and all the gruesome deaths. The stress was emotionally tearing away at you. The pictures and autopsy reports no longer represented death, they represented people who had a tragic end. Innocents who you could’ve saved if you were just a bit better...

 “ Y/N?” A tender voice called from across the wooden table, a worried tone wedged between a gravely morning voice.

You looked up to see a pair of dopey hazel eyes staring at you like you were some foreign artifact. You laughed weakly and shook your head, your eyes crinkled toward the corners despite the mood you were in. You wiped the sleep from your eyes, trying your hardest to stay awake.

“ Yeah, Sam?”

“ If you stare any harder at that paper, I swear it’s going to catch flames,” He pursed his lips and let his pen glide between his long, skilled fingers. He then smirked, “ Tell me what’s on your mind..other than this. I know you’ve been hiding something from for a while now. You get this...You get this look on your face, Y/N. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re scared.”

Your eyes dipped down slightly, trying to break that deep gaze he had on you. You can’t put it past Sam with hidden secrets. The man was once physic when reading people’s emotions was one of his better kills versus his older brother’s endless. That trait hasn’t gone away, even when his eyes bored into yours now.

“ What? Nothing is wrong, Sam.” You tried to dodge these questions, but when Dean came back in with food your voice dropped into a silence.

In fact, everything was wrong; from the victim's young faces to the churning feeling in your stomach, you felt scared beyond your wits. The victims were children and even years later, the pain still rung deep within you. It's been a secret for so long and the guilt hasn't died down. You closed the folder rather forceful, hissing as the paper slipped sharply across the pad of your index. The sliver like cut begun to bleed and dribbled down the table in small scarlet drops.

Sam looked up to you with a troubled expression. He wouldn’t ignore this any longer. When Dean left the room, he stood and rounded the large library table and pulled your chair away. Two large hands softly set on your shoulders, forcing you to tear your focus from the case and to his senseful eyes. His expression alone was the last string to snap and allow the dam to flow. Tears thickly dripped and dribbled down your ruddy cheeks, eyes becoming red and your posture slacking into a stance equally rivaling his. Sam’s hands slowly lifted and cupped your cheeks, trying to bring you comfort and make you face him. He let his tongue dart out to lick at his lips before he spoke.

“ Don’t lie to my face, Y/N, I can see right through you. Is this about the case? I know we couldn’t save the kids it got before...but we can save the ones now and kill the thing --”

“ It’s not that, Sam! It’s...It’s this entire case,  ” You admitted to Sam with gentle hands rested against his chest, lips curled into a sad grimace. “ It’s about Sabrina.”

His hazel eyes flicked away briefly, remembering this all too well. Sabrina may have not been his, but helping you move on, helping you heal..holding you after every nightmare and every time you broke down -- He was there and that felt very real.

--

“Mommy! Help me! MOMMY!”

“ Sabrina...Baby, just hold my hand. Don’t let go!” You cry, fingers curling tighter around her thin wrist.

The dirt beneath your feet slipped as the rain poured down harder. Mud accumulated, making it harder to keep yourself stable. Once your foot slipped, so did her fingers. Sabrina screamed as the rake pulled her away into the depths of the woods.

--

“ You probably think I was some horrid mother..or, or...or some disappointment. Sam, this case brings back memories that I just want to forget. This scares me, I really do disappoint the people I care about. First Sabrina..now you and Dean. I’m letting you down by being like this, aren’t I?”

Sam looked at you with a deadpan expression and his jaw set like uncut stone. Anger shone through his eyes, fiery and fierce. He took your hands between his larger ones, his thumb gently swiping the soft surface. “ I used to think that Jess’s death was my fault..that my mom’s death was my fault, that all my choices had made me evil in some way. But truthfully, Y/N, it was fate. As far-fetched as it sounds, it’s true. My mom made the deal to save my dad, out of fear and love. Things happen..”

You looked at Sam with an angry expression, but he just gave a weak apologetic smile,

“I can’t imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment.”

“ I can’t see how you think an accident makes you a bad person. We all make mistakes, Y/N. We just need to learn to...to forgive ourselves. Sabrina loved you, she always will. I..I’ll always love you too. She's not here now, but if she could be... I know she would want you to save the children.” He smiled, equally teary-eyed as you collapsed into his arms. With a shaky sigh, you buried your slight red face into his sandalwood scented skin.

With weak fingers, you curled your hands tighter into his shirt, feeling safe with him.

“ Thank you, Sam.”