#i wish i wasnt born like this . i can handle the mental illnesses but i had to be born UGLY ??? are you serious ?????

[lovecrazedpup]

do you ever find yourself over analysing a comment he made off handedly

[lady0mandy]

I'm so fucking frustrated

They've pushed me to my limits over and over again and the second I blow up I'm the crazy one and I'm the unstable one and they have to "walk on eggshells" around my when my mom is a borderline and narcissistic Jekyll and Hyde who raised me to fear her

I don't understand how she can't remember the things she's said to me. The way she screamed and yelled while I hid in the bathroom sobbing and the way she made me feel worthless and inadequate when she could have just sat down and had a civil conversation with me and used genuine parenting tactics to help me regulate my emotions.

The way she gave me a literal eating disorder for the way she handled meal times shouting at me and forcing me and getting in my face instead of helping me form a positive relationship with food so now I fear trying new foods and have such a limited palette and get genuine anxiety when I have to eat things I'm unfamiliar with and binge on safe foods

The way I poured my heart out to her at age 10 in the car telling her about how I was being bullied and harassed at school and instead of going to the school and helping she shouted "YOU KNOW WHAT, ARIANA IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM" and she can just forget that ever happened but 11 years later it's still engraved in my brain

The way she called me a slut and a bitch when I was 13 years old and threatened to hurt my 13 year old boyfriend just for kissing me.

I don't care what the circumstances are I would NEVER call my child that I would NEVER make her feel worthless and flawed and only deserving of conditional love.

The way she told me I had fat and needed to lose weight at 16 because she was 109lbs going into college and I tried to explain body types and bmi to her and she said "I don't believe you" and she told the guy who did my senior pictures to edit them to make me look skinnier.

The way she still sexualizes me based on the clothes I wear when they're barely revealing and I'm a grown woman.

The way she's blamed me for my mental and chronic illnesses and told me that the car accident was my fault and I did it for attention and I always have to play the victim and can't just "let" myself be happy.

She never taught me to regulate my negative emotions because she never knew how to do it herself and my kid brained soaked up all her bpd and npd traits and even after years of therapy I still haven't unlearned them all

My friends in highschool used to tell me she was abusive and I didn't believe them and it wasn't until I got a highly skilled therapist that I realized this wasnt mother daughter drama but mother daughter trauma.

And to this day she thinks she can speak to me with the most disrespectful tone and demand I cross my own boundaries and then when I match her tone I'm the bad guy and I'm the shitty unstable disrespectful and ungrateful daughter.

And I'm literally locked in my room right now because I can't be near her I can't see her because it makes me feel sick and burning mad because she will never understand and she will always be like this and I just want a mother who will speak to me with respect and help me through my problems but instead she makes them worse and then gives me money and acts like everything is fixed I DON'T WANT HER FUCKING MONEY I WANT HER RESPECT AND UNDERSTANDING

And she can go on and forget what she did this weekend but it's been 4 days and I'm still crying over it and I just wanted to die so bad on Sunday and I just can't take it anymore I can't fucking take it why the hell did she have me if she was just going to make me feel this way.

I'm 4 days away from moving across the state but I still feel so trapped physically and emotionally and financially and I hate this and I hate myself and I just feel like the 7 year old girl locked in the bathroom getting screamed at for something that could have been resolved with a calm voice, reasoning, and proper parenting

I wish I was never born I wish she didn't try for 5 years for me just to have me and make me feel this way I wish I didn't feel like I have 0 value but I do and I don't even have anyone to vent to so I'm taking it to goddamn tumblr when I haven't made an original post in years

[perfecttravelerdinosaur]

The feeling when you hate existing to the point you sit in your room avoiding contact with everyone because you're so insecure and don't know how to handle social interactions anymore, only to drive yourself deeper and deeper into that feeling, because no one chooses to be born and you don't want any of the responsibilities associated with existing in this world. But you're torn between feeling that and the guilt that people have life much worse than you do and people love you. I'm never sure whether I actually love people. It mostly seems just a good thing to say back to people so you don't feel guilty and they like you. Lust and love are different, but either way they are just a twisted compulsion to breed and create groups. I wish I could have the mindless drive to achieve human goals like other people do, I barely feel alive, nevermind human. Is keeping people with mental and physical illness alive any good for the human race? We just prolong our deaths and cause more heartbreak than is needed. But what is life without heart? Empty as it is without love. I don't have any drive to be healthy anymore, I just eat what feels good, sit at my desk and feel sorry for my own existence. I hate myself for not liking life, sounds stupid. I hate the arrogance people have.

It sounds stupid to say I never asked to be born. No one chose to be born. Why is it so bad, the idea of people killing themselves? They have made a choice with their own body and they think it is a good idea. I still fear an afterlife and it's honestly one of the reasons I haven't done it myself. The other being it hurts to imagine my family and friends finding out. I don't want my parents to blame themselves.

Why do I have to fixate on trying to sleep with people so much, It hurts feeling so alone all the time. Life feels desperate. A lot of the time I just put my foot down in my car for as long as i can, kind of makes you feel more alive, part of me wonders how hard youd have to hit something to just die. But I don't want to be crippled, then I am likely to just kill myself. Always odd how little someone can care for their own safety and push limits at the same time. The feeling of panic once you realise what you did was stupid, the horrible cold/hot sweat that shudders round your body after you nearly hit something.

I wouldn't want to hurt other people, what's the point in making someone else's life miserable, that makes me feel worse. I don't want to be a burden. Other people seem to like life so much.

Why does it feel like I want to be miserable some times? Arrogance makes me want to bite people's throats out. I wish I was joking. Why do I feel like I have no right to anything? Does anyone have right to anything? Does right even matter in a world where people can and do just take or do whatever they want? What the fuck is the point in subsistence.

Is having a child selfish if there's a good chance they'll grow up to tell me they don't want to live either? I wish I had the ambition I used to have. How long have I been depressed for? Did I used to be depressed when I was a child? I remember feeling like life wasnt real. I remember a few steps I took in figuring the world out. It felt confusing, a lit of it took a while to understand. I always feel like theres another layer to existing, something I'm not seeing, people aren't saying, or no one knows about. People have a LOT of ways and sentences to rationalise the irrational. You dont even have to be right, if you can make a compelling argument, you may just make people believe you, that's dangerous. Hormones are strange, they make you act so impulsively. I understand it from a survival point of view, but it's a strange thing nonetheless.

I feel like I want to just step out of the way of people who care so much about existing, I dont do things the way they want a lot of the time. I'm terrified of people who care about existing some times, I guess that's confidence I'm afraid of. At least confident people. Baffles me to think someone can be so sure of themselves. But I would imagine they often might be baffled to think people dont feel so sure of themselves.

I wonder, if I was given great power, would I use it for good or evil? Part of me imagines becoming a beacon of hope, but the rest of me imagines destroying everything I could and sealing myself away. Enjoying life requires proactivity. Old me would be spinning in his grave.

So I subsist, make jokes about mental health with people, carry on with college course, try to sort out my life somehow on little to no motivation. Why the fuck would I harm myself actively? Surely this just instantly makes you suffer more. I realise by eating how I do I'm harming myself, but I dont like pain, I want to minimize pain. Surely we all do? I dont even want to eat proper food anymore, avoiding leaving my room while I can.

Antidepressants are strange. How does a pill stop the horrible weight on your skull? How do hormones dictate the meaning of life in someone's mind so much. There is no meaning as much as there is all the meaning in the world. To some people the notion that there is no meaning is meaning enough. If we ever even reached a decision on what the meaning is would we ever be able to come up with an answer everyone could accept? Do we put life on a pedestal? Are the fears we have towards existence justified? Is there something telling us to die for the good of people? I dont see why this is not as great as the compulsion to survive, they each can serve a purpose to improve the world. Is the idea of dying and feeling nothing greater than living to see if you enjoy the feeling you end up with if you survive?

[brinesystem]

🎭, 📇, and ⚡

omfg i just hit the wrong button and it deleted my answer. OTL whoops

🎭 Any polar opposites in the system? Describe their differences.

yup! so, for example, we have honey. from ohshc? hes energetic, outgoing, extroverted, friendly, and hates fighting. we ALSO have lucifer, who im pretty sure is p much Only around to hold all of our grudges and try to end peoples careers. which... i dont know why wed even need that, but here we are???? for some reason?

ironically those two get along pretty well, since Luci switched out solely to let Honey eat his cake the last time he fronted.

honey also gets along with another opposite, Atari, who is... deadpan, sarcastic, and pretty much always ready to start a fight if he thinks its necessary, even though hes also just a big meme? hes also an eldritch monster in a ‘human’ form though so... you know.

We’ve also got all of us who are pretty passionate, and then like... Grey. Who is pure utter apathy towards everything.

((actually tw for integration here, but we’re p sure that honey is an integration of two completely opposite alters, Cobalt and Valentine. Cobalt was shy, nervous, traumastuck... Val was outgoing, almost obnoxious, friendly (almost overly so), and kind of mischievous. They got along though before apparently, so... idk why opposites get along so well in here, but similar alters dont? its weird.))

📇 Did you choose your name? Or did you just have it? If you chose it, how did you choose it?

oh gods so, backstory, im actually an introject of an original character the previous host made for a ‘big brother’ they wished theyd had? I go by Sehb online, but my names actually Sebastian, and uh... So our mum chose that for if the body had been born a boy, so the old host used that for the ‘oc’, and then i fronted and didnt know i existed or wasnt the previous host? so when i became host (and promptly became frontstuck for literally a decade), i just went “oh shit wait im trans??????? wild. oh the name sebastian... thats pretty nice actually! i love that? it feels like me? ill just use that”

so uh. you could say i chose it? but you could also say it was given to me. ;w;

⚡ Do you have sensory issues where other alters do not? How do you deal with that?

okay so, i mentioned being frontstuck for a decade and not knowing i was an alter, but uh. that means that others fronting just... co-fronted or co-conned with me? for ten years?

so pretty much every sensory issue i have, theyve been dealing with as well With Me. which means weve not really gone and tested shit, like, “oh sehb cant handle this, maybe I can” type stuff. I do know the previous hosts didnt have NEAR as many sensory issues as i do, buuuut... i also was the one to go through a mental breakdown, so idk if that put more on just me, or if they went to everyone in the system?

I know Honey has less photosensitivity, Lull is allergic to MnM’s (only those, not chocolate or other candy. idk why), and uh... Oh, Jox is way better able to stand strong smells like incense and such!

[synthwanderer-archive]

I dare you to answer all 52 questions for Vaughn. 'cause he a handsome fella and I love him ok?... 😍 Thanks. Bye.

under read more cause its long!! and thank you!!!

Vaughn Zander

1. Which Fallout game are they from?

Fallout 4

2. Which faction(s) did they join and which did they destroy? Why?

joined the Minuteman, he is the General, joined the BOS, he took Danse’s rank after he managed to convince Maxson to spare him, also joined Railroad, he helps them sometimes, also he is an Atom Cat,  helped out the people of Far Harbor, Acadia and even the Children of Atom, destroyed the Institute and killed all Raiders of Nuka World

3. What is their S.P.E.C.I.A.L.?

11 ST, 6 PE, 5 EN, 10 CH, 11 IN, 4 AG, 4 LK4. Give us a summary of their backstory.

well…(still working)…he was born on 13 feb 2045, his parents, Ryan Hudson-Zander was a Brigadier-General, and Olivia Zander was a pharmarcist, as a kid, Vaughn was always fascinated about medicine and his big dream was to be a doctor. he also had a cousin, Vincent Hudson (belongs to @theartofblossoming), and they were like brothers, having fun and always took care of each other. Much later, with the support of his mother (his father never supported him) he managed to get into Harward Medical School in Boston. after he graduated, he worked for a short time in a small clinic (he also meet Nora in that time), but then his father forced him to get in the army as a combat medic. it wasnt easy for him, he did managed to save lives, but the fact that some soldiers didnt had any chances to live did affected him, he also was forced to fight in defense lines…also he learned how to use heavy weapons and a Power Armor. after finding out that his father and his cousin were killed on the battlefield, he signed off and got back home, also much later he married Nora and had a baby. Vaughn did got a job at a hospital, but then the bombs fell…

5. What’s their full name and does it have a meaning? Do they have any nicknames and how did they get em?

Vaughn Ryan Zander. 

”Vaughn” means little in welsh, the name “Ryan” never use it and “Zander” means defender of people in old greek. tbh…his first name is kinda ironic, he is actually tall and muscular…but the last name fits him…

nicknames? his cousin used to call him “Vonny”, Hancock calls him “Sunshine”, Piper calls him “Blue”, Danse calls him “Soldier”

6.What’s their sexual, romantic, and gender orientation? Do they feel comfortable telling other people?

cisgender male, panromantic bisexual. it was kinda problematic to reveal his own sexuality before the war (cause of his strict father) but now? he is total comfortable…

7. Do they have any mental illnesses? How do they cope?

he suffers from depression and anxiety, and he does tries to cope it pretty well (he does have bad days, but his friends support him anytime); when he has bad days, he usually sorts out his stuff, reads books, play with Dogmeat, listen to the music, talks with his friends, tries to help out people, also he tries to get more sleep.

8. Do they have any medical conditions? Is medicine/ treatment available for them?

umm…idk if this can be considered medical condition, but he was shot in left leg by Kellogg, and since then he has pains there…he kinda uses TOO MUCH Med-X to numb out the pain during combat…also he has a weak sight, even with glasses its difficult for him to see at distance., and his sense of smell is busted up, he was punched by a raider so hard that his nose can no longer smell properly (tho that is good in the Commonwealth, no?)

9. How much do they care about their outer appearance? What’s their “beauty routine”? How often do they shower/ bathe?

he does try to wash daily, he has a water purifier in Sanctuary so he takes showers almost daily…every morning he washes his face, and even found a toothbrush and toothpaste, so he takes care of his teeth…

10. What do they fear the most?

that he gonna lose his family and friends, and that all his efforts to help the people will be wasted…

11. Their biggest flaw? Do they recognize it as a flaw?

his arrogance…tho he keeps his arrogance down for his friends, when he is around BOS and even wth the Railroad he acts very arrogant…

12. What are they most insecure about?

his self-esteem is very low, so he does care what others might think of him…when someone believes in him, he feels better and he can do anything…but when someone doubts him, he feels terrible and wont do anything.

13. What Wasteland threat do they fear the most? (ex. Deathclaws, super mutants, raiders)

none of these? he is strong enough to handle every creature…except…BUGS! he is so afraid of mosquitos and bloatflies!

14. What’s their zodiac sign or which one do you think they relate to the most? 

Vaughn’s zodiac sign is Aquarius, him being “born” (created) on 13 February…but tbh idk about placements…(idk even for myself!) 

15.  What are their placements (if you know them)? (ex. Aries sun, Taurus moon, Aquarius Venus)

???????????????????????????

16. What’s their Myers–Briggs Type? (ex. ENTP, ISFJ)

he may be ISFJ

17. What Harry Potter house would they be in? (ex. Gryffindor, Ravenclaw)

Ravenclaw!

18. Which Pokemon Go team would they choose? (ex. Instinct, Valor, Mystic)

Mystic.

19. Out of the nine forms of intelligence (rhythmic, spatial, linguistic, mathematical, kinesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalistic, and existential) which one(s) are they really good at and which one(s) is(are) their weakest?

he is really good at: interpersonal, linguistic, logical, kinesthetic…and he is kinda weak at other forms 

 20. What natural alignment are they? (ex. Lawful Good, Chaotic Evil)

might be Neutral or Chaotic Good.

21. Do they have any hobbies? What are they?

cooking, reading, listening music, even creates medical supplies, collecting different stuff, sorting out his stuff

22. Do they have a favorite holiday? How do they celebrate it?

Christmas! he celebrates it by getting gifts for his friends, cooks for them and gathering everyone at the table.

23. What’s their favorite season?

spring.

24. Do they have a temper or are they level headed?

he is actually pretty calm, but if someone threaten his friends, he will react quickly and protect them, no matter what.

25. Do they express their emotions freely or hide their true feelings?

he does hide his own feelings pretty well, and sometimes he may seem very cold…tho Nick and Hancock knows his true feelings.

26. Are they a leader or a follower?

more of a leader, but he always listens to his friends, but he hates taking orders.

27. How do they come off to others? What first impression do they usually make?

that could depend on others’s attitude…he first is very cautious but friendly, but if the other person is harsh to him, he becomes passive-agressive, but if the other person responds well, he is very friendly and will help them. Vaughn is very sensitive on people’s tones.

28. Do they prefer to travel alone or with company? Who have they traveled with if any? Current companion if any?

always with a companion! he is never alone! he travelled with everyone (except Strong, X6 and Old Longfellow). his faves are Nick, Hancock, Danse, Preston, Piper, Codsworth, Dogmeat, Cait, MacCready, and Curie. current companion is Nick.

29. Would you describe them as selfless or selfish? Does it depend on the situation?

he is actually pretty selfless, always caring for his friends and protect them and will do anything for them, also he helps other people as long as he can.

30. What do they find most attractive in others? Name at least one psychological and physical trait. (doesn’t have to be romantic attraction)

kindness and the voice.

31. Do they flirt often? How easily do they fall in love?

he does flirt often, but sometimes he stutter while doing it lmao…and kinda easy? depends…

32. What’s their love life like? Are they interested in anyone or in a relationship?

he is already in a happy relationship wtih Hancock!

33. Do they prefer to solve things diplomatically or using violence?

he tries to use diplomacy, but if he fails, he will defend himself.

34. What is their combat style? What range do they prefer? Do they sneak?

he does prefer melee combat, and short range combat…he uses a Power Fist that can even destroy Power Armors or killing Deathclaws and mutants, and at short range he uses the Wazer Wifle, Kellogg’s Pistol, or very rarely,at long range he uses the Missile Launcher or Fatman. and nope, he cant sneak, he is always caught up!

35. What weapon(s) do they always carry with them?

Furious Power Fist, Wazer Wifle, Kellogg’s Pistol, Missile Launcher, Fatman.

36. Their most prized possession?

the Wazer Wifle and the wedding rings (he did modified his own ring and wrote Hancock’s name on it, while the other wedding ring he gave it to Hancock)

37. Their thoughts on power armor?

he hates it!!! loud noises, his left leg is suprasolicitated, cant see with that helmet, also did i mentioned loud noises??

38. Favorite armor/ outfit?

his old Vault Suit 111, and leather pieces of armor.

39. How’s their aim? Do their hands shake while pointing a gun?

what aim??? serioulsy his aim is so poor, he misses 11 from 10 targets…

40. What are their thoughts on having to kill on a daily bases in order to survive? Does it take a toll on them? Or do they shake it off rather easily?

tho he doesnt mind killing ferals and mutants, he does feel sorry killing humans, but he does it so that he can protect innocent people

41. Thoughts on death if any? (ex. Fear it, accept it)

he fears death, he wishes to live for a long time…tho i might resolve this, im gonna make him a synth

42. Do they move around a lot or prefer to have a place to call home?

Sanctuary Hills is his home, tho he didnt even touched his old house, so he made a new house made of concrete, with 2 floors, first floor is where his and Hancock’s bedroom is, the kitchen, the bathroom, and a place where their TV and jukebox are placed, also upstairs is Shaun’s room, with a small bookcase, a desk for studies, a small workshop, a bed and a dresser.

he also bought the Home Plate in Diamond City, sometimes he stays in Goodneighbor with Hancock, or stops in any settlement for a break.

43. What’s their favorite location?

Sanctuary Hills, DC and Goodneigbor

44. Their opinions on ghouls, feral and not feral?

he feels sorry for the ferals and he believes they need to be put out of their misery.

and with normal ghouls, he has no problem, he believes they are like normal humans…tho first time when he saw a ghoul he was kinda scared, but Preston explained how are they like and no need to be scared.

45. Do they scavenge for their supplies or simply buy them?

fuckin cheapskate would break his own back for some desk fans and other useless things than to buy them! tho he buys ammo and food.

46. Are they the type to get distracted and go off to an unknown nearby location or do they stay on track?

if he is on a mission, he does stay on his track…but if he is off exploring, he goes to investigate places (but only if his companion is close to him, he is very scared when he is alone!)

47. How do they sleep? Are they picky about where and how or can they sleep basically anywhere?

at the begining he was so picky! now he prefers to sleep where is safe, tho he still comments on the bed’s state, or sleeps on couch.

48. What’s their favorite radio station and song? (post-apocalypse)

DIAMOND CITY RADIO!!

49. What’s their favorite post-apocalyptic food? Are they a picky eater? Do they know how to cook?

call him Chef Vaughn! he loves to cook! even with these radiated food, he manages to clear them out and make a delicious meal. his companions loves what he cooks, and Nick feels sorry he cant eat lmao. he loves Deathclaw steak, ribeye steak, radstag steak, any food before the war (except Deviled Eggs - how can some eggs still be good after 210 years?), radscorpion ommlete, noodle soup…like everything, except meat from bugs. also he likes to give to the companions that leave Sanctuary often lunchboxes with food, like Hancock gets one, Piper gets 2 for her and Nat, Nick gets one for Ellie, Preston gets one, even MacCready gets one.

50. What’s their favorite beverage? Do they drink alcohol?

he likes to drink wine and beer, but he doesnt mind other drinks!

51. Do they have any tag skills?

umm??

52. Anything they like to collect? (ex. Unique weapons, Bobbleheads)

yep! he loves to collect books (whatever is still intact), magazines, legendary weapons or special pieces of armor, bobbleheads…umm…human bones…(he was a medic in the war so maybe he is still fascinated by anatomy and stuff like that). 

 53. Are they good at disarming traps or do they constantly miss them?

he does actually manages to disarm them!

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i want to practice just like going through the anger of his message without an actual response because like fuck him?

“i called you to say i was going to he wedding and caring for you and going to rehab potentially and you said that ou didnt know what to say because its not what you want to do”

false. and this is just crammed into a giant paragraph of other bullshit. man, you called me to tell me what you were going to do. and you have literally never in your life understood what it means to respect another person’s feelings or wishes outside of like a guest in your house for one night. again it was never about him going to rehab. it was the fact that its told to me like a slap in the face. its not like im involved in anyway its just im doing this see you later, maybe?

“and then you knowingly or not manipulate the situation by saying youre not doing the surgery because youre not having it your way just like you did a week ago when you realized my vision for the property is not the same as yours”

man. why is it that i can say something clear as fucking day, repeat it 400 times and this person will tell me straight faced that thats not what i did, thats not how i feel and i must feel this way and if i dont then im lieing to myself.

when i am confronted with a person aggressively asking me vague questions in regards to what was once a positive fucking discussion as a natural born human being it is within my capacity to react with really high suspicion as to how much this person actually respects me. because its not the act of changing your mind - you can change your mind a thousand times. but you can also say ‘man i was thinking about this and this and i was wondering about this and you were saying this’ instead of ‘how many x for this how much for this’ like wow. and then to turn around and use my reaction as a basis of just “not getting my way”? you are repeatedly at every fucking turn demonstrating a huge disrespect for my feelings and you think im a fucking slave that should have zero opinion or feeling on anything you do but continue to merrily go along with what you see for the future.

“i need help and thinking of other people first has prevented me from getting help for years because ‘you guys’ always do this. theres always something that im always ‘ruining’ if im not ‘there’“

literally for decades youve treated people consistently like fucking shit. you give false promises you masquerade in being sick. you refuse at any singular pointt o see any true priviledge you actually have and why that means you can never understand how these people felt like when you left them 200$ at xmas in a crackhouse and went on a family vacation. you ruined xmas bro. you fucking ruined it and you thought you did a good fucking deed. a good deed wouldve been being their family. period. and you didnt want to do that an thats okay but to act like you should be praised for what you did do when it barely made a dent? fuck you you self righteous prick.

“this is what happens at the property. i go to work everyday to pay for you all to eat and for the upgraes and equipment. you guys wake up at your leisure and do exactly as much work as you feel is necessary and then fuck off for the rest of the day when i come home and have to solve personal problems like you and jame or you and aaron”

omg. this is the exact paragraph that defines exactly why im officially out. like first of all you are of zero motherfucking help to all of the above people including myself to maintain a lifestyle we lived here that bruoght us nothing because you think some deep drive will make it better even though your ass is going to rehab. you have zero provisions for any of these people and all they can do is sincerely invest their time energy and money into preparing themselves and their belief in what can happen. to think this crazy man could provide more than two meals is literally foolish like you arent ready to survive if you think youre surviving off of this guy. and like i already know this pretty well. in no way does he understand that i lived in survival mode with a crazy person who claimed to be doing good for my life. i did that already. its a completely different ball game. i dont even believe in you. i believe in me.

“the fact that you feel entitled to a payout because you did two weeks of research demontrates that you have no idea the investment i am putting in”

excuse me, what? by me asking for fucking dignity and respect when you change your fucking plans that involve MY FUTURE that YOU PUT ME WITHIN i’m doing this on the basis of being entitled to a fucking payout? respect? the fact that you think this is “two weeks of research” demonstrates that you literally would throw people out on their ass because you ~owned the property and they didnt you know “invest enough”. and at no point will it be told to you how much you need to invest to be secure. at no point. so he will ask for free labour which to him is not free because he feeds you !!! right because that worked for the slaves.

“i understand that this will be the situation as i laid it out because ive been down this road before a few times and i’m not laying it out to put anyone down; its just how it goes and i know for a fact it will piss me off and cripple me because i am already extremely weak”

man. who the fuck are you? you want people to support you getting help and doing positive things and respect you for being a homeless shelter but literally shit on and disrespect and belittle and degrade the people you want to be with you? whyyyyyyyyyy in the fuck would i ever want to speak to a person who believes i’m lazy and lives off of him and causes problems. why the fuck would i do that. oh but like hes not putting me down its just “how it goes”. and hes telling me this like im going to be like “oh okay i didnt realize ‘thats how it goes’ sorry”. you are in no motherfucking way a savior to any single person nor will you ever be. to truly help another person in the ways you believe you want to help people you have to be born with a trait that makes you preconceived to these ways or you have to work every day at it to become like that and you have not even begun to put in the work it woul take to reach such a high standard of care and altruism. again, fuck you.

“that being said, it doesnt change my desire but i must find a way to prepare myself to see if is something i can handle because if its not youre out to weeks of research and get to go back on welfare but me, i own 17k have to give the boot to my friends and face god knows what other consequences will come from an ill fated venture like this”

just.

do you know how hard it is for me to not just give in to the worst of my feelings and be like can u just go fucking die already. like you are so much of my mother that the only way you will find peace is to just be dead.you are delusional and fucked up and in so fucking deep i dont think theres a way out for you because there is like next to no moments of true clarity.

‘youre out to two weeks of research and get to go back on welfare’

omg. am i real human being? do you think i am like a fucking search engine that aggregated a bunch of results for you and just displayed information with zero fucking care as to what was happening at all? do you in no way think that if you want me in ANY FUTURE CAPACITY to even SEE this opportunity that i have to manage my current life in a specific way? do you not KNOW this? if you dont know this just STOP. build a fucking cabin in the woods and stay the fuck away from people you ignorant piece of shit.

“it pisses me off that im always me with the same attitude when i try to do something like these people that are literally investing the most minimal part of their day into the venture act like im not putting my nuts on the line for someone else”

omg. you legitimately dont see other people as human beings like this all i can form from this. when i was a child, i saw my mother disappointed that she didnt have this bottle of wine she thought she had and she was like mock disappointed about it but i didnt get it and as a child i was just like.. i felt really bad for my mom. like she didnt have this thing she wanted and expected and i wanted at that moment to give it to her if i could and i just kept doing this to an extreme in my life where like i constantly consider another persons feelings so much that i feel true guilt to act in any malicious or shitty way because i feel like i can really empathize with their moments if i tried to so why is it okay for me to act in such a way. i want to be peaceful and understanding.

so to me i am literally fucking appalled that he cannot comprehend the “investment” one makes with their entire actual fucking livelihood but furthermore my “two weeks of research” led him to his own opportunity. without my “two weeks of research” hed just be a jackass going to rehab. in fact as i began to realize how little he was invested mentally and was just throwing money at a piece of land, i became very scared for him and myself and the concept of this idea because i realized no one knew what to do, no one was taking the initiative to actually look it up and this person is investng 17k. and at no point did they think of a building plan or project or outline of a business or anything, they looked up no regulations and just went on like the dreams of hearsay. i couldnt believe it. i began my journal of information out of pure anxiety and fear that this person wasnt actually going to do any of these things and when it came down to it we would be fucked because the landowner has no idea what he can actually do on his own fucking land. and this is very stressful. is it 17k stressful? i dont know. maybe. maybe not. but it is certainly a large investment of my time and a new creation of anxiety, a reason to distrust whats happening - a reason to no longer trust in what he was saying about this. he just wanted to do this and this the same way he wanted to do all the dumb ass things he did before.

“if i had of known this i would have spent 2 weeks looking shit up’ like fuck right off. im sitting here trying to figure out a way to give people a free fucking place to come and better themselves and i have to eat shit when i express concern for myself”

bro. come into the reality ive lived for 2 months. this all started all of it period started because i offered to help you save money. you did not want this. i suggested buying land to offer small houses of some sort for people to stay to capitalize on both his handyman skills and his hosting skills. then i looked up SEVERAL HUNDRED PROPERTIES and like extremely sorted through these for the best possible deals for the most amount of land with healthy landscape. PEOPLE ARE PAID TO DO THIS JOB. LIKE HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS OVER MONTHS. and i did this job for you for free and presented not just like 10 lots. i presented another 30 lots afterwards. i learned the fucking landscape of pei. i learned about trees and buying land and municipalities. i made maps and scales and put like all of my brain power into this its like saying because you went tothe store and bought the materials, you own whatever the fuck i built from it. and fine maybe you do. maybe in this capitalistic world you do. but omg why do you have to degrade the actual work i did which did not include me getting drunk in the middle of the woods at any point. like you struggled to figure out the meaning of a pit test when this is something i wouldve learned in a day. and i thought like this person knows already they id it before they already have this basic understanding all they need is like some updated info but nope. nope. youre not sitting there trying to figure it out. im sitting here trying to figure it out because no matter how much fucking money you throw at this it will not work without actual knowledge so fuck you man. fuck you. if i had of known you were such a piece of shit, if i had of known you would belittle and degrade any work and care investment i put into this which other people are literally fucking paid for - i wouldnt have spent any time on it at all. youd still be sitting there sobbing about your dead ex and the times you were strung out on k. fuck you bro. fuck you.

“dont talk to me about relationships dont hold this surgery over my head whenever you dont get your way. thats what i dont want to be part of because i have my own issues and if you dont want the care then ill spend my time caring for  myself”

iterally all of your time is looking out for and caring for yourself and any time taken away from that time is a huge fucking deal. like this person believes that just like hanging out with someone is an investment of his time because his time is very valuable. and if you dont appreciate that he took the time to even grace you with his presence when his time is so damn valuable then fuck you. and repeatedly hes said on multiple occasions for varying reasons “i dont want to be apart of this” and “this” is changed to suit whatever his need is for that time. so now he didnt say “this” like he never wanted me or the relationship its that he doesnt want “the drama”. no. no. you didnt and have not wanted the relationship and it has held you back and gave you all these issues you never wanted. period. this is what you said. period.

“im just so fucing exhausted i wasted 45 minutes typing out bullshit that started because i want to go to rehab and that doesnt jive with your insecurity”

.............. first of all on the basis of this entire fucing discussion you cannot in any fucking way ask me to consider the amount of time you spent on fucking anything at all. anything. it means absolutely nothing at all. it means nothing to what i feel. my feelings are more important. whether you invested time you didnt want to or not is of no motherfucking concern to me so fuck you you hypocritical asshole.

this all started because youre an asshole. youve always been an asshole and you literally cannot rehabilitate the fact youre an asshole. weed is not making you a piece of shit. its really truly not. if it is its like the first case in the entire world of it doing such things to someone because omg.

“not to mention i had to think about this shit for 6 hours yesterday”

no one caressssssssssssss. omg. you can sit and think about it for two weeks straight my friend. it means LITERALLY FUCKING NOTHING BY YOUR OWN DEFINITION.

“you know the only people that give me grief when i try to get help are the people who cant stand on their own legs

im sorry.

excuse me? in what capacity do you believe you have positively affected the direction of my life either mentally or financially or physically? you getting help affects me in zero fucking ways to the point that its not even goingt o make my relationship better with you because i really believe you cannot rehab an asshole. but it sincerely has zero affect on my financial or physical well being. what do you think ive been doing? like am i a zombie? im fucking depressed, not dead. this person has never paid my rent. he paid my phone bill as a christmas gift one year. he has really never actually bought me groceries, his mother has three times maybe.

you know, i have no anxiety. well no overwhelming anxiety and im not spiraling. heres a real true fact of life: if he didnt exist, i wouldnt have considered the surgery at all. in my life without him i wouldnt have had an opportunity to possibly have some kind of care (which i love now has an end date that has nothing to do with my recovery)  i wouldnt even have a drive home. so i wouldnt do it. and id be a little pissed for awhile - mostly at my parents more than anything and then just get over it because why dwell so hard on something not that important anyways.

ive been told by doctors its an option. its not like a recommendation - well it is, but its not like oh wow you really have to get this or else. i think people get really uppity about doctors and medical things for no reason and i get that they exist for a quality of life but i just dont think my life is so bad that i have to do this to myself right now.

and ive gotten - well what else are you doing now? whats different? and its true. fair enough. mark in the pro column. but that doesnt outweigh it. just because theres nothing else im doing doesnt mean i shoul do something i think is not a true importance to my life. like if i can have one month of physical care for a 3 inch incision with stitches - why cant i have one month of care for 15 years of severe depression? like all these doctors said im severely depressed, i need help, i need a support system, i need real resources they cant necessarily provide and everyons like wow i dont have the time or space to help you im sorry its too much for me and maybe you wont get better and i cant see you getting better so i cant feel good about how much time i migh have to spend on this.

but an incision. for a cyst. and a friend will take a week off work and spend everyday by my side. he will leave work to care for me, make me meals everyday, run my errands, help me out. and so my sick twisted mind in some ways in some moments looked forward to a real surgery. ike for a brief period of time i would get the care i needed from people but im too incapicitated to actually leverage any of the care i receive. like people would let me stay at their house for x amount of time and its just like man ive been nearly homeless and you acted like im diseased. its a fucking mockery to act like this cyst makes me deserve any more care than i already had. and i think thats why i really think deep down none of these people will do any of these things. i am sick. i am already sick. like really badly. and its all just like looking in from the outside bullshit. so why does this change now? why should i believe it changes?

and after all of this another nagging small thought is like okay so i finally get some kind of care and help and then it will all stop so he can go get better care and help in his priviledge an its like wow why bother. like well ur all healed now ur on ur own byeeee. i am tired of feeling bad for feeling bad. this is a manipulation. this is the true manipulation. it is using “getting help” and “going to rehab” as an excuse to compleely and utterly ignore anything i have to say about fucking anything at all. and hes trying to convince me of this that im the bad person and im not the bad person because ive never been against rehab.

i said “i dont know what you want me to say” instead of “so what about everything weve been talking about for the past two weeks what about the future what about buying land” after givng him all of this space to tell me on his own. what do you want me to say? its happening _ again _. good luck. hope it works out for you this time. i no longer give a fuck. i knew immediately when he sai h was going to rehab that all of the plans were up in the air again. again. again. again. like four hundredth time in a row and its like man how many fucking times o you want me to follow your bullshit because rehab is as genuine as your desire to be a better person and help all these people but youre fucking ruining people because you cant stay the fuck away. how many times am i required to give unconditional love without it actually fucking returned to me or to have what is returned be nothing but negativity towards my life?

you have no idea that the actions of other people really define how you will feel about them in your moments of weakness and need. you can see it but you dont know it. you dont know that it makes the difference of treating someone with actual kindness and respect because theyre a fucking human being not because “well they dont have that”. you havent graduated from giving someone something because you feel bad that they dont have it. you give them respect not because other people didnt vgive them respect but because this person deserved fucking respect all along. if you do it for the first reason its really all for your ego. you think youre doing something better than the next person. yuo know, “well iiiii woulnt be like that” - yeah you would, just in another circumstance.

i no longer regularly deal with outwardly shitty people. it was really important to me to find people who were caring in some respect but im learning even among those who are caring are abusers. theyre everywhere and its naive to think theyre not because thats how you fall victim. you just dont think its happening because it cant happen because theyre caring.

what i see myself truthfully terribly doing is nothing. although i clearly have a response for him, i dont. im just angry and i dont see how expressing any of my anger towards him will bring any resolution to any issue. and im not “just angry” like im just airing some grief but im angry. im very angry. and its no longer worth it. what can i reply? what could i possibly reply? “oh god youre so right im so sorry of course everything i did is nothing compared to you im sorry for being so selfish thank you sooo much for helping me” because it looks like the only available option now. and im not taking that option. i coul fight. argue all my points. tell him he was wrong. but why? but i think i may do so much nothing that i will just remain passive and hurt. semi forced into this scenario, upset and depressed. and i can see myself trying to accept help before stopping a few days into it.

i wish i could eternal sunshine him. i really do.