#i would never be able to cope if tumblr really collapse :( i love interactions (though i don't engage in much) and things i see on here | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lilacflamesss · 6 years

Text

Shattered (Chapter 8)

Smutty Ayahina College AU

Summary: Hinami tries to deal with her sorrows through seeking Ayato out. Ayato can never turn away the girl he loves far more than he should. Two people with unrequited feelings, dealing with them in very different ways. Human AU. (9.8k words)

Warning: This fic contains unhealthy coping mechanisms, heavy sexual content, and plenty of problematic/ dubious things which I absolutely do not condone at all. This is a work of fiction that takes on a more mature, physical take on Ayahina’s relationship as opposed to the typical conventional one. Please feel free not to read this fic if it’s not your cup of tea! Additional trigger warning for stillbirth since this is an add-on to the previous chapters. As of this moment, this fic also contains hints of infidelity.

A/N: I really need to go so I’ll make this short. I meant to post this 2 hours ago but I have some technical difficulties and tumblr sucks basically. Anyway, thank you everyone for all your patience and thank you for supporting this fic! We’re reaching the end soon. Please do reblog this and feel free to leave some comments!

Preview:

Hinami almost laughs. It’s just that ridiculous. “Big brother?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re… kidding, right?”

She doesn’t think she’s seen Touka with an expression like this before. It almost makes her blood run cold. Touka’s eyes burn into her and Hinami feels a chill run down her spine. What kind of an atmosphere is this; what kind of a sudden change is this? She wants to turn back time and to take back the wish that she had made for Kaneki to come up in the conversation. This isn’t what she had been expecting to hear at all.

“You think I’m joking?” Touka says. So cold. She sounds so cold. “You think I’d make up stories about how my husband almost killed my baby brother? How a stupid argument and a simple push was all it took to take my father from me?”

“I… I didn’t mean--”

“No one should ever have to feel that way,” Touka cuts in, not letting Hinami apologize for what she felt had been her insensitivity. Touka glanced down at her food with a sigh. “I’ll never forget that day-- the expression on Ken’s face when he watched the truck ram into Ayato; the scream Ayato let out when he’s tossed a couple of metres away; the way his body felt when I held him in my arms, weak, sticky and wet from his broken bones and spilt blood; the way my father sounded on the phone as I told him everything; the way Dad’s eyes looked as he saw Ayato’s body, right before he too collapsed. It was a terrible day…”

“Touka, I--”

“Dad’s last word… The last thing he said was Ayato’s name… He died thinking his son was dying, or that his son was probably dead… When Ayato woke up, I was so happy my brother is alive, but I was also so sad that Dad died before he could see it. I broke down immediately. I can’t help but think if Dad knew Ayato was going to live, maybe he’d have lived. You know, if I hadn’t told him that Ayato got into an accident, maybe it would have worked out fine. Ayato sometimes left home and stayed over at his friends’ place whenever he was pissed off with Dad. It was just one month anyway; if I had just pretended it was that instead of an accident, Dad would still be alive now. He’d have been angry when he found out the truth but… he’d still be alive…”

This sounds familiar-- not the words, but the sentiments behind it. I killed him. It was the same thing Ayato had said the other day when cried. Ayato probably never knew that Touka blames herself for it and Hinami wonders if Touka knew that Ayato blames himself for it as well. Had they ever talked about it? She doubts they had since it’s only been a month since they reconciled.

“It isn’t… your fault,” Hinami says.

Touka stays silent for a moment, staring at her food blankly. Hinami doesn’t think that either of them has any appetite left. How is anyone going to be able to eat anything after that conversation? It takes a while for Touka to look up and meet Hinami’s eyes. Touka still seems somewhat hostile, very different from the girl Hinami had gotten to know the past few times they met. But really, what does she know about this woman? The woman she knew and had interacted with was someone who had tried her best to keep everything buried as she moved on from her past tragedies. Hinami doesn’t know Touka at all.

Just like she barely knew Ayato apparently.

“You’re telling me… it’s not my fault?” Touka sniggers, before she bursts into soft, dry laughter. “How many times do you think I’ve heard that from Ken? Whose fault do you think it is then, huh? Not Ken, clearly. Do you blame Ayato?”

He tries his best. He knows he needs to forget. It’s why they ended things, why he started visiting his sister more and why right now, there’s a head of black hair beside him in bed instead of the brown he had gotten so used to seeing. Ayato sighs and turns to face the other side, pulling his hands away from her. It feels weird. He knows it’s been only a month and jumping headfirst into a relationship isn’t the best idea, but he simply got caught up in the flow. A couple of days after he ended things with Hinami, he bumped into one of the girls he had brought home from the strip club the other night. It had been awkward initially and she had been pretty annoyed that he brought her back despite having a girlfriend already but somehow, they decided to have lunch together and he told her what happened between Hinami and him. He left out many details so all she knew was that they shared a physical relationship, but it hadn’t worked out and they’ve ended things.

Her name is Oohashi and she is a graduate student at his university. She’s older than him, but he decided that he didn’t mind it too much. When she knew Hinami and him weren’t together anymore, she jumped at the chance-- it seemed she was actually pretty interested in him.

He doesn’t know what made him say yes. After lunch, he brought her back home and fucked her a couple of times. A week after, they started dating. He kept it a secret, of course, even from Touka. Oohashi might have told her friends about it but that doesn’t concern him. He doesn’t think anyone needs to know anything about it right now.

Especially not when he himself feels so disgusted by it. After they do it-- every fucking time-- it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He feels bad, but he doesn’t want to think too much about it. He knows why and he knows how he can deal with it, but he just doesn’t want to. He knows he doesn’t love her; she might not love him yet, but she might one day. She’s attracted to him but he can’t return the sentiment. He’s too busy thinking about how it’ll be nicer if her hair is shorter, if she dyes it brown, if her voice is a little bit higher, or if her dressing is more conservative. He knows he’s still clinging on to her, that he’s only with Oohashi simply to ease the emptiness he feels now that he can’t have her anymore.

He feels like shit.

He doesn’t think he’s going to be able to go back to sleep. Careful not to wake the girl beside him, he gets up. He might as well take a shower and get ready for work. He also needs to prepare for class since he didn’t get anything done the previous night.

He heads to the bathroom and gets into the shower. Hinami’s things are still there-- her shampoo, lotion and other products she had named before but he can’t remember anymore. He had told Oohashi that she could use them, but he doesn’t recall her ever doing so. She doesn’t smell like Hinami at all. It’s a pity since he likes Hinami’s smell the most.

He shakes his head. He’s doing it again— he’s thinking about her and comparing them again. She’s in his head again. It’s always like that. He can’t get over her even though it’s him who ended things. He can’t forget her and god, he can’t stop loving her even in his wildest dreams.

He picks up the bottle of her shampoo and pours some onto his palm. It smells just the way he had remembered her hair did-- like flowers, a mixture of them. Hinami had always liked flowers anyway. They suited her as well— gentle, soft, beautiful and bringing joy to the people around her. He supposes she has hurt him before, but now that they’re apart, he can’t really recall the bad that much. He only remembers the good-- the fun times, the moment he fell in love, the times they laughed, the teasings, the jokes, the special times and the comfort she had given him.

He’s standing in the same shower that she had promised to make things different, where she had told him that she wanted to move on and to try to fall in love with him. Back then, he had been happy to hear it. He found hope again, like he truly had a chance. He doesn’t know if anything truly changed in her. He felt like it did but yet he felt like it didn’t as well. He will never know the answer to that question, but he supposes it’s a good memory too-- that she tried, at least. Perhaps her promise was a simple empty response to his outburst as he had fucked her against the very wall he’s staring at, but he likes to imagine that it was more.

It had felt good when they did it in the shower. It’s a pity they never did it again with both of them naked. His wet clothes had been a bother then. He wonders how it would have felt if they actually had done it. It doesn’t require much imagination for him to form the image of it. He knows how she looks and feels in the shower; he just has to pretend she’s there-- pulling him, holding him, touching him and kissing him.

His hand has a mind of its own, moving down to his dick as he starts to stroke it. There’s still her shampoo on his palms and it does help with the lubrication-- not that he needs any since he’s already unbearably hard and he’s under the shower. But the coolness of the shampoo, contrasted with the heat of the water, makes him shudder a little from his movements. He brings the other hand to his mouth. He wants to stay silent, he doesn’t want to wake Oohashi up, especially not from jacking off at the thought of his ex.

No, she’s not an ex. He has to keep telling himself that. They never had anything. They were never dating. He didn’t break up with her. Hinami isn’t his ex at all.

He continues moving his hands, remember what it felt like to be inside Hinami, as he conjures up the fantasy of her holding him tightly in the shower, running her hands down his wet back, raking her nails down it in that very way he loved so much. It doesn’t take him long before he comes. He hadn’t come so fast in a long time and he knows it’s not because he hadn’t been having sex-- he had been doing it almost every night.

But he supposes he is starved. He’s starved for her touch. He might be able to find any random person and bring them to bed but no one is going to give him the satisfaction he got from Hinami. Because try as he might, he can’t forget her and he’s still just as obsessed.

Oohashi might be his girlfriend now, but somehow, he just knows he will never fall for her, not when Hinami is still around, not when he still remembers everything that Hinami had done for him, not when he’s still so madly in love with Hinami.

He misses her so much.

Touka was right. It wasn’t healthy that he had let Hinami used him as a substitute for someone else. But before he realised it, he had started using someone else the same way.

Ayato does a good job at pretending she doesn’t exist for the next month. Hinami doesn’t know how to take it. It hurts her far more than she expected it to. Every time they lock eyes, he turns away immediately. She always walks into that one class they had together expecting him to sit in his usual seat, only for him to turn away from her to sit with Naki and his friends instead.

He hasn’t talked to her at all. He hasn’t asked her about the keys to his apartment, or her things that are probably still there. She wonders if he has changed the locks or if he has thrown away all her things. The thought makes her want to cry. She has some of her favourite outfits with him, but more so than that, the thought of her meaning nothing to him anymore, that he just discarded her just like that, makes her feel weak, used and unwanted.

She knows better than to cling to it, she has to move on. Yet it’s far too hard for her to do so, not when every little thing makes her think of him. It’s like life itself is rubbing him in her face. She normally doesn’t see him around in school as much as she does now. They only have one class together and that’s the only time she used to meet him, but now, in every corner she goes, he is there.

Maybe hanging out with his friends is his method of moving on and forgetting her. Unfortunately, Naki and his group lived in the college’s dorms, which means she runs into Ayato even when she’s going back to her own room. Miza’s room is right next to hers and whenever they choose to hang out in her place, Hinami can hear them through the thin walls. She hears him talking, laughing and having fun, showing no hints of remorse over their break up at all.

It’s like he had forgotten her completely and it makes no sense to Hinami, not when he had sworn to her countless times that his love for her is real, deep and true. It feels fickle now-- a laughing matter. She feels like a joke. Maybe it was all a joke. Maybe she was right at that time and this was really all about the sex. Just thinking about it feels like Ayato had ripped her heart out of her chest.

It actually hurts.

It hurts so much that as she listens to him with Miza, Naki and all their friends laughing and joking in the next room, all she can do is curl up in bed and cry.

I thought you cared about me. I thought I am important to you. I thought you wanted me.

I thought you love me.

Maybe it’s karma. She had hurt him and used him… but he had been willing, hadn’t he? It was all his idea after all-- use me to forget the pain. She wants to scream. She wants to slap him, to shove all the facts right before him. It was you. It was your idea. You started this. You said it will be okay. It was all you.

She wants to hate him so much. But she can’t, not when he is the person she wishes is beside her right now. She wants to cry and scream and she had never felt safer doing this in anywhere but his arms. She’s never trusted anyone but him with her sorrows.

For the first time in her life since she knew him, this month is probably the longest she had gone with barely thinking about Kaneki. All she knows is Ayato. Her emotions are all over the place and she has no control over them; one moment she’s wishing Ayato is better off without her and in the next, she’s cursing him to eternal despair. She knows he has all the rights to end things with her, but seeing him act as if nothing had happened hurts her to no ends.

It’s painful-- it’s so so so painful.

“Hinami. Hinami? Hinamiiiiii!”

Hinami blinks. Someone is waving a hand in front of her. Someone is calling her name from beside her. It sounds like the voice of a girl. Hinami turns her head and she sees Tomoe frowning at her.

“Oh, you’re alive now,” she scoffs, crossing her arms. “The lecture ended five minutes ago. How long are you going to sit there staring into space?”

Lecture… Five minutes ago… Hinami blinks at her and turns to look in front of her again. She is in a lecture theatre and the Professor is long gone. Oh. The Professor is gone. The lecture has ended. She glances down at her notes. She had only taken down what was probably the first fifteen minutes of a two-hour long lecture, out of which ten minutes had probably been the recap of the previous week.

“I’m dead,” she groans, slamming her notebook shut.

“Yeah, that’s like the third time this week. The eighth time this month,” Tomoe says. “Spit it out. What happened?”

“Nothing happened,” Hinami sighs. She starts packing her things, trying her best to ignore the way her friend is glaring at her. “I’m tired. I didn’t get much sleep last night. Miza had a drinking party with everyone next door last night and it was too noisy to sleep.”

“Miza’s parties never bothered you much,” Tomoe says.

“They did.”

“Miza has parties ever since we were freshmen and you never bothered much about them back then. So why now?”

“Who knows?”

“Is it because A--”

“It’s not because Ayato’s there as well,” Hinami cuts in hurriedly, almost dropping her pen in the midst of her flustered response. “She was just… extra loud last night.”

Hinami gets up and starts walking out, with Tomoe following behind her and catching up to her side. They’re silent for a long moment. It’s only when they’re almost at the canteen that Tomoe speaks up again. “I didn’t say Ayato just now, you know.”

“You were going to say his name, I know--” Hinami pauses, her eyes going wide at the sight before her. Speak of the Devil… He’s there, standing a short distance away, talking to someone. He seems happy and really into whatever he was discussing with the other person. It takes Hinami a moment to recognize the other person as Rio, the vice-captain of their high school soccer team back when Ayato was the captain. Hinami continues watching them, not realising that she has come to a complete stop. Her hand grips the strap of her bag tightly. She can’t tear her eyes off them.

Ayato still looks so happy.

“Oh did you know the rumours from high school?” Tomoe asks casually. Hinami turns to her, confused, and she grins. “Oh, nothing, just that some people were very sure they were fucking.”

“What?” Her voice ends up louder than she means it to and she’s sure that those around her are giving her strange looks. She immediately looks back at Ayato. It doesn’t seem like he noticed. Thank god.

“What do you mean some people were very sure they were fucking?” Hinami hisses in a whispered voice, grabbing Tomoe by the arm and pulling her closer.

“I don’t know. It was just some rumour I heard. People were wondering why Ayato was single the whole time in high school and it was one of the stuff they came up with… probably.”

“He wasn’t single the whole time. He had girlfriends. He wasn’t serious about it but he had some. And they were girls. Not… not Rio.”

“Yeah, you’d know that, not me,” Tomoe sighs. “If I hadn’t known any better, I’d have thought you’re jealous of Rio--”

“I am not,” Hinami interrupts. “I can’t care any less about him.”

“Rio mentioned once when he was drunk that he’d take on the Kirishima name any day.”

“What?”

“So I guess that means Rio is competition now.”

“He is not.”

“Come on, Hinami. When are you going to be honest with me about it? What’s the deal between you and Ayato?” Tomoe sounds annoyed. She watches Hinami, sliding a hand into the pocket of her jeans as she waits for an answer.

“There is nothing between us,” Hinami says. They’ve had this conversation so many times and till now, she can’t find it in herself to be honest to Tomoe, or to anyone for that matter. Tomoe clearly doesn’t believe her but she shrugs and turns away.

“Well, whatever. I’m gonna go for kendo practice right now so I’d see you when I see you,” she says, throwing her words over her shoulders as she leaves. Hinami utters a brief farewell, before she turns her attention back at Ayato, only for their eyes to meet. It’s too brief for her to be sure of anything. She doesn’t know if he was watching her when she had been talking to Tomoe or if he had been looking around only to coincidentally make eye contact with her. Either way, he looked away immediately afterwards so it’s clear he plans to continue with his invisible Hinami act. The thought pisses her off and it only annoys her more when she realises that she needed to go past him to get to her favourite store. She’s not giving him the satisfaction of knowing that she’s walking past him with the full knowledge that he’s pretending not to see her. She turns around and walks off. Convenience store food would have to do.

It is ironic, however, that there’s nothing convenient about the convenience store nearest to her college. She has to walk quite a distance away to get to it. She wouldn’t have bothered much, but the fact that she has to walk past a certain familiar apartment complex has her nerves all on edge. She knows there’s a low chance of her bumping into Ayato on her way there. He was still talking to Rio when she left after all. But what would she do if she ran into him on the way back? What if he is with Rio when she bumps into him again? The image of them together makes her blood boil as Tomoe’s words resurface in her mind.

The risk is still worth it; it’s so much better than walking past Ayato in that canteen. This is the lesser of the two evils so she decides to take it. But when she reaches said apartment complex, she stops, staring at the empty driveway before her. The last time she had been there was on that stormy night when she ran around town almost naked trying to look for him. She remembers standing in the middle of the driveway, looking up to the rooftop, squinting her eyes desperately to see. She’s never been through anything as scary as that night, worrying if she might lose someone again, knowing that she had the power to stop it but might be too late. Nothing bad happened that night, not in that sense, and she had never been more relieved in her life than when she saw Ayato in his sister’s place again.

She wonders again why she did so much for him that night-- that day, even. That day had gone by so fast. So many things happened that it’s still so hard to wrap her head around the fact it all happened in one day. On that day, she found herself reaching so desperately for him and on that same day, he decided to pull away. It was a first-- a very painful first. Did she really do all that for him just for him to throw her away mere hours later?

“Hinami?”

Hinami blinks as she hears someone call her name. Tears fall out of her eyes as she does so and she quickly wipes them away with the back of her hand. She’s being an idiot, crying over the same thing again. She doesn’t want anyone to see her crying over Ayato out of all people.

“Hinami, is that you?” the same voice calls out. Oh no. She recognizes that voice. She really didn’t want to be caught, especially not at this point in time and by that person. Still, she can’t run away. She turns to the person and forces out a smile.

Kirishima Touka looks different from the last time they met. She looks more like how she did when Hinami first met her-- curly light blue hair, a little makeup and a gentle smile. Well, Touka must be pretty happy right now. Even if it’s not the best of times, things are getting better for her. She’s walking towards Ayato’s apartment complex so Hinami can only assume she must be going to meet him. It’s good to see the siblings on good terms at least.

“What are you doing here?” Touka asks. Her eyes narrow suspiciously and she glances behind Hinami, at the apartment complex. A vague memory surfaces-- it had been Touka who asked Ayato to break up with her, hadn’t it? Touka must still be looking out for her brother.

“Nothing much. I was just passing by,” Hinami says. “What are you doing here, Touka?”

“I’m here to visit my brother, of course.”

“He’s not at home though. I saw him hanging out with a friend in school when I left,” Hinami says. She doesn’t know why she chose to inform Touka. She should have just left it be. But Touka’s eyes widen a bit and she gives a sheepish smile.

“Well, I guess a surprise visit is a bad idea after all,” she laughs flatly.

“I’ll leave now. I want to grab some lunch.” Hinami gives a short bow to Touka before she starts walking off, only for Touka to call out to her again. “If it’s lunch you want, why not grab something together? We could use a little girl time. I’ve never had the chance to talk to you alone before.”

That is weird. Hinami had all along been sure Touka hates her or something. Why else would she ask Ayato to leave her anyway? It was her who put the idea into his head in the first place. The lunch offer comes as a surprise, but Hinami has no idea how she should turn it down. Without being able to say anything else, Hinami simply shrugs.

“Sure… it sounds… great.”

Touka’s taste is a lot like her brother. Hinami comes to the conclusion the moment they dropped by a small restaurant and Touka places her order. She avoided dishes with too much vegetables and stuck mostly to meat. It didn’t seem like eating healthily is a concern either of them had, though Hinami had to wonder how they keep so healthy nonetheless.

“What is it?” Touka asks. “You’ve been staring at me pretty weirdly.”

“Oh, no, it’s nothing.”

“That expression doesn’t look like nothing,” Touka admits.

“You just… remind me of Ayato from your order. He never orders healthy food as well,” Hinami muses. “He doesn’t take care of his diet at all.”

“Well he used to, back when he played soccer,” Touka says. “He was so serious about it that it was ridiculous. I’ve never seen him so dedicated to something. He really did enjoy himself. Our father didn’t really understand though.”

“Your father?” Hinami murmurs, picking up some of her noodles with her chopsticks. The food is still too hot to eat but Hinami doesn’t mind too much. She’s quite interested in what Touka has to say right now. Ayato barely talked about himself. This is a chance to get to know more about him. She wants to slap herself the moment the thought comes. They’ve already gone their separate ways, so what’s the use of knowing more about him? She should have asked him this way back in the beginning. Maybe if she showed a little more interest in him, he might not have left.

Or maybe it wouldn’t have mattered a lot since she probably was discardable to him.

“My father wanted Ayato to do well in his studies and make it into a good university. Well, Ayato made it to Dad’s first choice, but Dad wasn’t there to see it anymore. What happened when he was in high school… The shock of it was too much for his heart apparently,” Touka sighs.

“What happened…? If you don’t mind me asking.” Hinami watches as Touka’s expression morphs to a more serious one. She stares at Hinami for a moment before she places her fork and spoon onto the table, clasping her hands together.

For a moment, Hinami wonders if she should change the topic and not delve into this. She doesn’t need to know more about this. Ayato is a past chapter of her life. Knowing more about him isn’t going to help her in any way. Yet, her curiosity got the better of her. Ever since she found out that something big had happened, she had always wanted to know what had gone on between them.

Besides, it’s not like it’s just Ayato’s story. It concerns Kaneki too. Yes, Kaneki. The man she’s in love with. She wants to know his past. That’s it.

“Ayato said he never told you about everything that happened. Are you sure you want to know about it?” Touka asks.

“I… think so.”

“Ayato got into an accident and he got knocked into a coma for a while back when you guys were in high school. I’m sure you know that, right?”

“Yeah.”

“When my father found out about it, he had a heart attack. He was already sick to begin with. He was very weak. He couldn’t take it,” Touka sighs. She picks up her drink, mixing it about with her straw before she sips.

“I’m… so sorry…” Hinami says. Touka smiles weakly in response, nodding a little but she still remains silent. “What happened to Ayato? The accident… how did it happen?”

Ah, the topic went back to Ayato again. One step at a time, she supposes. Kaneki would come up eventually. That is what she’s really into.

Touka’s smile widens a little, though it looks grimmer than before. “He was pushed in front of an oncoming truck.”

Hinami’s eyes doubles. “Pushed? By who?” She had thought it was an accident all along. But he was pushed-- someone tried to kill him. Who would even do something like that? Ayato can be difficult to deal with at times but she doubts that he has enemies.

“Ayato doesn’t want you knowing about this,” Touka says. Strangely, her expression seems to have a degree of amusement in it. It felt almost malicious to Hinami. Even if Ayato doesn’t want Hinami to know about it, Hinami’s sure Touka wants it.

“Who is it?” Hinami asks softly.

“You’ll regret it.”

“Just tell me.”

Touka’s smile fades to a slightly weak one, her eyes falling to her food before her. She’s silent for a moment before she sighs and looks up at Hinami again. “It’s Ken.”

Hinami almost laughs. It’s just that ridiculous. “Big brother?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re… kidding, right?”

“I… I didn’t mean--”

“Touka, I--”

“It isn’t… your fault,” Hinami says.

Just like she barely knew Ayato apparently.

“No! It isn’t your fault and it isn’t Ayato’s either,” Hinami says. “I know Ayato blames himself as well but… these things happen and you can’t do anything about it. You just have to--”

“What do you know about all this?” Touka cuts in. She’s almost snarling and although she’s simply glaring daggers at her, Hinami feels like she’s dealing with something more ferocious and threatening. All the pent-up emotions and anger are seeping out. Hinami sees Touka’s facade breaking right before her eyes. Touka gets to her feet, dropping the cutlery on the table. They’re making a scene. Hinami can feel everyone watching them. Yet, Touka doesn’t seem bothered. Her lips are quivering. Her eyes are watery, stray tears falling out, messing up her makeup in the process.

“What do you even know about the things we went through? What do you even know about the pain I felt, losing my father, almost losing my brother? I tried to stay strong then, to be there for Ayato as his world came crashing down, desperately trying to ignore as mine fell apart as well, but he just… left!” she screams out. She slams her fist onto the table. “Dammit. Fucking… dammit.”

“Touka.”

“I’m leaving,” she says, taking up her purse and slamming a couple of notes onto the table. “Keep the change.” She walks out hurriedly, slamming the door to the restaurant behind her and leaving Hinami behind.

There aren’t many people around so not too much attention is fixed on her right now. She does see the waiters hesitating over approaching her. Hinami gets up as well and follows after Touka, ignoring the barely touched food. She doesn’t know what she should do right now, but her instincts scream at her to go after Touka, to find her and console her. Hinami feels like she’s stepped on a landmine. This wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t probed Touka about Ayato’s past. She was simply curious, but it seems she had only made things worse.

She doesn’t see Touka when she steps out of the place and it looks like Touka had already walked off somewhere. But Hinami’s determined not to give up. Ayato will probably hate her more if he found out that she made his sister cry. He seems to be weirdly protective of her, though ironically, he probably is the person who had made her cry the most. She continues to walk down the road before she starts to spot a recognisable figure in the distance. Hinami quickens her pace. A short distance away, at an empty children’s playground, she sees a familiar head of wavy light blue hair. Touka is seated on one of the swings, body bent over slightly as her hands desperately try to rub the tears out of her eyes. Hinami stops by the swings, watching her for a short while before she reaches over and lightly places her hand on Touka’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” Touka says immediately, though she doesn’t look up. “I didn’t mean to snap at you… I just… lost it.”

“It’s okay, Touka.”

“No. No, it’s not okay,” she insists. She looks up at Hinami, her eyes red and puffy. Her makeup is running, black tear streaks marring her face. “I can’t believe I said those things to you. I was insensitive. You would know. Of course, you know how it feels like… I’m so… sorry. I just blew up. It’s rude--”

“No, it’s not,” Hinami says. “It’s okay, you can let out what’s inside. It’s fine. It’s better than keeping it in.”

Touka smiles slightly, before she takes Hinami’s hand, holding it tightly in her hands. “No matter how true that is, I said things I shouldn’t have said. I… realised it after I sat here and went through our conversation in my head again. I can’t believe I said those things to you. I should be thankful. At least, my brother is alive. At least, I still have part of my family.”

It hadn’t been personally bothering Hinami. She had been too worried about Touka-- seeing her in that state was scary. She was too focused on that to realise what Touka was saying then and what the words meant to her personally.

“I”m sorry too, I spoke insensitively at some points too,” Hinami admits. “I… just found it hard to believe that Big Brother was the one who hurt Ayato…”

“You mean, given the fact I’m still married to him?” Touka laughs lightly. “You’re right. It is weird. I was really fucking pissed off initially. But after what happened with Dad, Ken was there all the time, you know. He stuck with me even when I was cursing at him and hurling mean words at him every time I saw his face. He was apologetic about it and honestly, it was an accident. And it was Ayato who started the fight, Ken merely responded. It took me about two to three weeks to get over my anger and accept him back. Ken had no one else anyway. He lost his family. He has friends but aside from Hide, no one really close. You and him had lost touch too. Ayato and I were his only family… I mean, we weren’t married at that point, but it sure felt like it already. I couldn’t throw him away; he is family to me too.”

“They all mean a lot to you, don’t they?” Hinami muses. She tightens her grip on Touka’s hands. “Have you talked to Ayato about this?”

“Not really.”

“I think you should because I think Ayato blames himself for what happened to your father as well.”

Touka’s eyes widen. “He does?”

“He never said it outrightly, but I do think so. That’s why I think you should talk to him so that the both of you would realise it’s neither of your faults.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Touka sighs.

“It’s not… and I know that better than anyone else. I used to keep thinking too, if I had done something, maybe things would be different. If I hadn’t delayed them at home that day, maybe my parents’ car wouldn’t have been at the spot it was when the truck crashed into them. They had gone to buy dinner because I wanted to eat pizzas. Maybe I should have agreed with Mom’s suggestion and eat home-cooked food instead, or maybe I should have asked for ramen instead. There were so many things I could have done differently and if I had, they might still be alive.

“At one point, I too thought it was my fault, for being a selfish girl and wanting pizzas on that day, but you know, it sounds ridiculous now. It’s not like I knew what was about to happen. It took me years to accept that and even now, sometimes these thoughts still surface and it makes me sad thinking about it. But all we can do is just move on from what happened and not let it weigh us down, right?”

She didn’t mean to give one long speech to Touka, but the words simply came out against her will. She doesn’t know what kind of expression she has on her face right now-- she feels the stretch in her lips but also the tears at the edges of her eyes. Touka is blinking at her in surprise before her face slowly morphs to a genuine smile.

“Look at me, being lectured by a younger girl,” she laughs. “You’re right. I get what you’re getting at. I’m trying to rationalise with myself too-- it’s not fair if I had kept Ayato’s accident a secret from Dad anyway and I don’t think it would be possible. He’d have found out eventually. But it’s not easy believing that.”

“It’s fine. You should take your time, especially now that everyone is together again,” Hinami says.

“You’re a really nice person, you know,” Touka sighs. She wipes the final traces of tears away from her face and looks up to Hinami with a brighter smile. “You’re a really good person.”

“I thought you hated me,” Hinami says. Much to her surprise, Touka actually looks taken aback at this. Her eyes go wide for a moment before she narrows them and furrows her brow.

“I’d thought you were a sweet girl from the time we met, Hinami. I liked you from the beginning.” Touka admits. “Why would you think that way?”

“You told Ayato to end things with me, didn’t you?”

Touka’s eyes cloud over for a moment before she nods, looking away from Hinami and staring straight ahead. “That relationship you two have… it’s not good.”

“But to tell him to just cut me off like that… don’t you think it’s cruel?”

“I didn’t mean for that… I just wanted the sleeping together thing to stop,” Touka says. “You both know it’s not a good thing. I don’t know what kind of arrangement the two of you had, but I’m his sister and for now, all I see is a physical relationship that has been wearing my brother down. When the two of you started it, Ayato might have agreed not knowing what he was getting into, you know.”

It was his idea, she wants to scream, but decides against it. It doesn’t really matter whose idea it was, both of them at that point decided it was a good idea.

“I don’t think either of us knew what we were getting into,” Hinami admits. “I… hated it as well, honestly. In the beginning, after a while, I’d feel terrible after sleeping with him and I’d leave immediately after. But Ayato is someone who’s so familiar and reliable for me that I couldn’t stop myself from going back to him. Ayato too… he tried to turn me away but always ended up giving in… or well… that is what I thought happened.”

Touka chuckles softly and she turns to look at Hinami. “My brother really loves you, you know.”

Hinami can’t help but laugh-- sardonically, that is. “I highly doubt it. He seems fine without me right now.”

Touka seems more amused than anything right now. She shakes her head and jumps to her feet, patting her skirt and easing the creases in it. “You’re wrong there. He’s not taking it well at all.”

“I see him in school everyday and he’s fine. I… can’t stop thinking about him. It feels weird not talking to him, not texting him and not seeing him at all. I feel so empty. But he’s fine. He’s okay. And he’s supposed to be the one in love.”

“He loves you,” Touka says.

“He just wanted to have sex.”

“Even if that is true, it seems to bother you more than it should. What’s the matter? You want him back?”

“That’s not it at all. It’s just… I trusted him.”

“And he broke your trust by acting okay while everything is falling apart for you,” Touka chuckles. When Touka puts it that way, it sounds dumb. But Hinami doesn’t care if it’s dumb. It hurts and she hates the way it makes her feel.

“I thought he would be… more sad about it.”

“He is, trust me.” Touka looks at her for a moment, narrowing her eyes as she crosses her arms. She doesn’t speak for a while. She just watches, and Hinami stares at her in response, wondering over the sudden silence and the scrutinising look. And then, “You’re not in love with my brother, are you?”

There’s something that stops her from denying it immediately-- something that makes her pause, her heart almost stop and her breath catch in her throat. The possibility had surfaced in her mind the night they were in Touka’s house but she hadn’t been able to arrive at an answer. In fact, she hasn’t even thought about it after that night; she has been too busy being upset and annoyed with Ayato to even consider why that is the case.

“I’m not…” she replies slowly, but she’s sure she could have been a little more confident about it.

Touka doesn’t seem to believe her but she gives her a smile nonetheless. “Well, then you’ll get over this easy.”

It’s been a month, yet nothing had been easy.

“You’re right… I will…” She forces the lump down the throat as she says this.

Touka is still grinning playfully. She starts to walk and Hinami simply stares at her, watching as she heads towards the entrance of the park. She stops, turns to Hinami and raises her eyebrow. “Come on. We haven’t actually eaten our lunch yet.”

She’s right; they had run out of the previous place after barely eating anything.

“Ah, I’m coming!” she says, running over to Touka.

“We’re going to have to go somewhere cheap though. I slammed most of my money on the table just now. Maybe the roadside ramen store down the street,” Touka suggests with a laugh. “This is so fun. It’s like I have a little sister now. We can talk and hang out.”

That thought isn’t a bad one at all. Hinami can’t help the smile on her face as well.

“Then I’ll call you Big Sister,” Hinami says. “Since you’re the woman married to my Big Brother anyway.”

“That makes me very happy,” Touka says, with another breath of laughter. She looks over at Hinami, a small cheeky glint in her eyes. “Who knows? Maybe one day we’ll be sisters for real.”

She could, but at that very moment, she decides not to worry about the implications of those words.

The time she spent with Touka and the conversation they had doesn’t really bother her much until she’s lying in bed that night, staring sleeplessly at the ceiling as her mind starts to go over everything that had happened and all that she had learnt. She had known nothing about it at all, despite the fact that she has all along thought of herself as the person Ayato is the closest to. He had never confided in her about all that happened; he had never even told her the reason he supposedly fell for her-- maybe he never did. The thought makes her choke again, but Touka had been adamant that he’s just pretending to be fine. Maybe she’ll trust Touka. It’ll ease some of her worries.

But she still wonders if anyone else knew about what happened. Did he tell Naki and Miza about everything? Did he tell Rio? Rio had been his vice-captain in high school. If the accident had really been the reason he couldn’t play soccer anymore, Rio would know about it. He would probably be the one who knew all that happened. Hinami barely knows Rio so going up to him to ask him about it would be the most awkward thing ever. Maybe she should get Tomoe to do it, but Hinami will have to tell her why she wanted all these information and that will be awkward as well. As she had all along known, it’s best to keep anything regarding her relationship with Ayato to herself.

She tries to sleep, but she can’t, not when Touka’s words keep going on and on in her mind. It was Kaneki who pushed Ayato. It was Kaneki who caused Ayato’s dreams to shatter. All that time, Ayato had been sleeping with a girl who was in love with the very person who did all that to him. She doesn’t understand-- just how was he okay with this?

She’s confused. Nothing seems to make sense. What seemed simple and sensible to her is now just a whole complicated mess of secrets and lies. She wishes he had been honest with her all those days they were together. She wishes he had told her everything. It would have been so much easier to hear it all from him, to know what he thinks and feels about it all. Touka can only guess. She can’t tell Hinami what went on in Ayato’s mind when he decided he’s fine with their arrangement.

She supposes she can see Touka’s side on things better now. It’s clearer now that Hinami is lying in bed and properly processing everything. Touka is just protecting her brother from being hurt. In Touka’s place, Hinami would have done the same thing. But Hinami isn’t in Touka’s place right now; she’s in Hinami’s. Right now, she’s the one who’s confused and upset. Maybe talking to Ayato might help but he’s still pretending she doesn’t exist. Texting him won’t work either. She had tried in the first few days and all of her messages and calls had been ignored. She knows that he saw her messages. He simply did not reply.

She doesn’t get much sleep that night. She spends most of it lying in bed and thinking. She’s at least thankful Miza isn’t having a party over in her room next door. She doesn’t know how she’d take having to listen to Ayato having the time of his life while she’s in this state. Eventually, she does fall asleep but she has no idea how late into the night it is. When she wakes up, she realises she’s late for class.

Maybe it’s not too bad; every cloud has a silver lining she supposes. She has lessons with Ayato today anyway and maybe now isn’t the best time to see him. She can always ask Tomoe about what she missed anyway.

She doesn’t get out of bed much afterwards. She leaves her dorm a little before the lunch crowd, grabs some takeaway and gets back to her room. She considers watching a movie but she’s not in the mood to search something up. After finishing her food, which too took almost forever because she found herself spacing out far too much, she pulls out a random Takatsuki Sen book, got comfortable and started reading.

Books always give her a break from reality and despite her having already read this book more than three times, it still captivates her from the very beginning. Takatsuki Sen just has a way with her words, which is able to fully connect with Hinami and her own experiences. For the few hours which she spent reading the tales of a One-Eyed King leading a revolution of his kind, she’s able to forget what had been bothering her. Ayato finally gets pushed to the back of her mind as her imagination conjures up images of a war-wrought society, with humans and monsters fighting constantly.

Hinami wonders what it’ll be like to live in a world like that. Her world is normal. But even then, she has lost a lot and she knows people who had lost more. She wonders if her parents would still be around if they lived in the world Takatsuki Sen had created. What would it be like if she was born a monster like the protagonists’ kind? A truck clearly won’t be enough to kill her parents then. Maybe they really would have been alive and with her. She might not have gone to school, she might not have met Ayato, Touka and Kaneki and she might not feel the kind of pain she’s feeling right now. Maybe she’ll find people to be with like the King does in the story— a group of people who’d support her, be with her and always have her back. Maybe things would be better.

Or maybe it would be worse. Maybe she’ll be in the crowd of lost lives, just another nobody that fell victim to the curse of that world. After all, for a girl who was once her mother’s little clover, she strangely never has any luck.

She closes the book and places it aside, before throwing herself onto her bed. It’s late. It’s past dinner time. She should get food, but she doesn’t feel hungry. She doesn’t even want to get out of bed again. Now done with her book, she’s alone with her thoughts again. She can’t stop her mind from wandering back to her memories, thinking of her conversation with Touka and also to Ayato breaking it off with her.

That one day had been eventful; so many things had happened-- so many changes. Hinami sighs as she recalls his expression right before he left her. It was… terrifying. It’s so hard to believe that merely a couple of hours before that, she had him under her complete control, cheeks flushed, body trembling as he obeyed her every whim and fancy. That was fun. She’d never done something like that before. She’d never taken control away from him before. It was a new experience and she knew that the both of them liked it. She wishes she had another chance to experiment more.

Hinami closes her eyes. Her body feels uncomfortable. She hasn’t given in to her desires much this month, but when she does, it comes as a huge wave of desperation. Yes, she wants him by her side again, supporting her and comforting her, but she also wants to touch him again, to push him down and to pin him beneath her. She wants to do it again. She wants to fuck him again.

If they do what they’re not supposed to do, they should be punished.

She grins a little as she remembers that from the forum the other day. She is annoyed, upset and somewhat turned on right now. She wonders if she’ll ever get the chance for a sequel to that night. Maybe a little of this would convey her current emotions to Ayato. If she could have him right now, she’ll make him apologise over and over again for it.

She has nothing else to do and her mind is already in such a place. Without really thinking much about it, she spreads her legs, lifting her skirt and letting her hand move down. She slides her hand under her panties, touching herself directly. She’s already a little wet, but it doesn’t take long for her arousal to heighten from her own touch. She lets out a sigh, opening her eyes slightly as she lets the pleasure wash over her. She’s never been the kind of girl to engage so willingly in such an act. She had done it before, but it had always made her embarrassed. Things must have changed in the past two years. When you’re so used to having sex, masturbation doesn’t seem like a big thing anymore.

She gives in to the building sensation, letting her eyelids fall shut again as her fantasies run wild. She can’t stop the images that are being formed in her mind and she’s almost surprised. It’s not Kaneki she sees; it’s Ayato. Maybe that makes sense. She was just thinking about him after all.

He moans her name the way he always used to when they have sex. His expression is an exact replica of the one from her memories. She pictures him on the bed, eyes closed tightly, cheeks dusted pink, mouth parted slightly as he writhed about beneath her. Ah, it’s like that day again. Her fantasy’s Ayato is begging for more, asking her to let him come, opening his eyes slightly just so he can look at her with that one adorable, pleading look. Her hand reaches for him, lightly stroking his face as she leans forward.

Hinami…

It feels so real. His voice sounds so real; it’s like he’s really there.

She kisses him and she feels his body stiffen from it. He jerks his hip against hers, his dick hitting against that one spot deep inside her-- the spot she’s desperately trying to find with her fingers right now. She wants him to touch her but she remembers commanding him not to and he had surprised her by actually listening.

Hinami!

His voice is more urgent this time as if he’s been calling out for her for ages. She’ll give him what he wants, she supposes, moving her hips faster and rocking against his dick-- her fingers-- harder. She can imagine his pants right by her ear, calling her name again and again, begging for release. She needs this so much. She wants it so badly. She wants to feel it again-- to have the control in her hands, to have him at her mercy and to look at her with those eyes her fantasy is looking at her with right now.

She wants to dominate him again.

It doesn’t take long till she’s at her climax, coating her fingers with her own juices. She lies on the bed with her eyes closed for a short moment, before she opens them and raises her hand, staring at the wetness on the two fingers. Even though she came, she feels far from satisfied. Maybe it was a bad idea to touch herself after all. She wonders what she should do now.

A loud knock on the door makes her jump. Whoever it is raps on her poor wooden door five times, with a force that makes her worry that the door might snap into two. They sound annoyed. She hopes they’re just impatient and it’s not her who had been so caught up in her dreams that she had not noticed them at the door. She gets up, absentmindedly wiping her fingers on her dress, and starts to walk to the door.

“Hey Hinami, are you alive in there?”

She freezes, eyes widening at the voice. Is this just her imagination or is it the real deal?

“A...ya--”

Another knock, and then, “Hinami!”

She jumps, shrieking softly at the sound of his voice. He’s there. He’s outside her door. She blinks, almost in disbelief, wondering if she’s going to wake up and find out it’s only just a dream. Maybe she’s still on the bed. Maybe she dozed off after touching herself and is actually sleeping right now.

“Hinami, open the door!”

If she takes too long, he might just leave. The thought makes her hurry to the door, only to hesitate right as she grabs the knob. Why? Why should she open the door for him right now? He had ignored her for a full month. She doesn’t know what suddenly brought him to her room. He’s never dropped by before, not even when they were together. Why is he suddenly-- angrily-- asking her to answer the door?

She doesn’t have to open it.

“I can see your shadow, you know,” he says.

He knows she’s there. This is the best chance she has to give him a taste of his own medicine. If she walks away right now, he’ll know she’s ignoring him-- just like she knows he has been ignoring her. There’s a childish part of her that really wants to hit him with all she’s got. Two can play that game, not just him.

“Are you angry with me?” Ayato asks, sighing softly. His voice is gentler now. He almost sounds regretful. God, if he’s here to ask her to pretend everything didn’t happen if he’s here to ask her to get back together, she’d… Even she doesn’t know what she’d do.

“Hinami, I promise this is nothing like what you think it is… Mado gave me some of your assignments and asked me to pass them to you as soon as possible,” he admits. “It’s just that. I’ll leave immediately so open the door.”

She could just ask him to slide them under the door. She doesn’t have to open the door to look at him. Yet, she can’t bring herself to let go of the knob. Instead, she’s turning it. He’s been ignoring her the entire time, pretending she doesn’t exist and he doesn’t see her, ignoring her calls and messages and acting as if they never had a thing between them. It had hurt so much and it still continues to gnaw at her as she starts to open the door. Even then, she can’t turn away from him, not when he’s finally calling her name again. She hates feeling so weak and giving in so easily, but she can’t help it.

She misses him so much.

Even if it’s for a mere few seconds, she wants to see him again.

A/N: Shattered is coming to an end so thank you so much for all the support. For now, I have 2 confirmed chapters more. But I’m still unsure about what tone of an ending I should give so I did a poll here and I’d appreciate if you guys dropped by to leave your preference as well. Chapter 9 is the same for both. The bittersweet ending will end at Chapter 10 (a nice number??????). The happy ending has an additional Chapter 11 + a very very very happy, what comes after, god knows how many years later kind of epilogue!!

Also, after this fic, I might be taking a writing hiatus? Maybe, though because I want to write out the prompts I have in my inbox at least and also maybe finish up Another. So we’ll see how that goes. Thank you everyone for your sweet comments about this fic. I get really happen whenever someone asks for an update.

Once again, please please do reblog if you like this! It’ll really help me out. Feel free to leave comments in the tags/ reblogs/ replies or through asks!

#tg #tokyo ghoul #ayahina #kirishima ayato #fueguchi hinami #kirishima touka #far writes stuff #my fic: shattered #ughhh im too tired to tag anything else

106 notes · View notes

toasty-coconut · 7 years

Text

Well, after a very long two weeks I am finally ready to give you all an update post on my life and my family’s current situation.

For those of you who are unaware, on June 12th, 2017, my 15-year-old cousin, Reid, unexpectedly lost his life while on a Boy Scout hiking trip. I don’t want to get too far into the details of the situation for personal reasons, but he suffered heat stroke a few hours into the trip up the mountain and collapsed. Paramedics were unable to reach him in time with a chopper due to electrical storms on the mountain. When the EMT (a truly wonderful woman) finally reached him by horseback, she and the other scouts who he was with performed CPR on him for an hour and a half before he passed.

My family received the news of his passing a few hours later, and it broke each and every one of us. My cousin was an amazingly wonderful boy with so much love in his heart. He hated no one, and accepted everyone of all races, sexual orientations, gender identities, and personalities. He loved music and being a part of the Boy Scouts. The trip he was on was going to be his final merit badge that he needed in order to become an Eagle Scout. He performed in the men’s choir and show choir at his school and loved every second of it. He was an immensely talented and kind-hearted boy with so much to offer to the world. Losing him took a toll on every single one of us, in part because he was so young, but more so because of what an amazing and loving person he was. None of us could understand why it had to be him (and we still can’t).

22 members of my family (including myself) flew out to Texas last Sunday in order to be with my aunt, uncle, and cousin (his older sister) for Reid’s wake and funeral. Going out there and seeing the total anguish that my aunt and uncle were feeling, along with seeing my cousin’s body at the wake and saying goodbye to him at his funeral, were probably the hardest things I have ever needed to do in my life. Things like this should never happen—especially not to a child who did not want to die and who still had so much to offer to the world. That is what has been hardest for all us of to wrap our heads around. But being surrounded by my family gave me strength through that very difficult time. We were all able to cry together and lean on each other when we needed it. My family was already very close-knit to begin with (I have 14 cousins on my mother’s side and we are all relatively close in age—we basically grew up together), but through this we’ve ultimately all grown even closer, I think.

Reid’s wake and funeral were both very lovely memorial of his life—as hard as they were to be a part of. The Boy Scouts did a wonderful tribute to him at both services, and Somewhere Over the Rainbow was sung at his funeral, as it was his favorite song. To boot, everyone wore orange since it was his favorite color. His life may have been short, but it was clear how many people he impacted in that time. The church and funeral home were packed with friends and family, all of whom were shedding tears for him. His life may be over now, but he will certainly never be forgotten.

From all of this, I think the most important thing that I’ve taken away is to cherish every moment that you have with the people you love, because you can lose them at any second. I wish I had gotten to know Reid better. I wish he and I had watched The Lion King together like he wanted to while he was here for Thanksgiving. I wish I had talked to him more on the phone whenever my aunt and uncle called my house. I wish I had talked to him more about Pokemon since I know that was one of our shared interests. These are all things that I’ll never be able to get back. Even if I know that Reid is still with me in spirit, it’s still difficult to wrap my head around the fact that I’ll never see him again in this life. I’ll never get to see his graduation pictures or enjoy his funny personality at Thanksgiving or see him at a family wedding. So just cherish all of those small moments that you have with the people you care about—because it doesn’t matter how old or healthy they are, they can still disappear from your life in a second.

To go with that, I’m also learning not to sweat the small stuff so much and let petty arguments and dumb things get in the way of relationships. My aunt, uncle, and I have always had some level of tension between us as they are fairly conservative and I am fairly liberal. But at the end of the day I was hugging them both in tears and telling them how much I loved them. I wish this had never happened to them. Never again do I want to have a petty Facebook fight with them or anyone else for that matter. Don’t waste time being pointlessly angry when you can be loving someone instead. Reid always hated hate, so I want to live by his example and have a bigger heart and let go of the things that bother me. It’s what he would have wanted.

With all of that being said, I would also like to mention that through this all my friends have been so amazingly supportive of me. Carly, Dimitri, Cait, and Audrey (I apologize for not using their Tumblr names in this post, but this post is so personal to me that I want to address them personally) came to visit Kelly and I during the time that this happened. Actually, I received the news that Reid had passed only an hour after we picked up Carly from the airport. I was supposed to be spending ten days with them, but unfortunately my time with them was cut short since I needed to go to Texas for almost five of those days. They were very understanding of me and let me talk or cry or get angry or depressed. They distracted me when I needed it and made me laugh when I needed it. Carly even went as far as to rebook tickets that we had purchased to go and see the musical Wicked in Boston, covering all the charges herself. And Audrey purchased me some really wonderful Love Live gifts even though she definitely did not need to. There’s so much that my friends did for me that I can’t even begin to explain it all.

I knew it before, but all of this made me realize that I truly have the greatest friends in the entire world. I know I complain about Tumblr a lot, but if it hadn’t been for this website than I would have never met any of them. I’m grateful for that, because they’ve become such a huge and essential part of my life now. In just two weeks they’ve done more for me than most people ever have. Someday I really want to pay it forward and do the same for all of them. I know you guys are probably reading this now, so seriously, thank you. You all saved me in a time where I needed it more than ever. I thought it was just bad timing that Reid passing happened right as you were all visiting, but maybe it was meant to happen that way because of how incredible you all were for me and my family. I promise you all from here on out I’m going to be the best friend I can be for you all. I love you all so, so much.

As for where I’m going from here, well, I have a long road ahead of me. Reid’s death has taken an enormous toll on me emotionally—so much so that I saw my psychiatrist again for the first time in years. I’ve needed to discuss my problems with depression and anxiety for a long time, and now I’m finally taking the steps to do that. I’m on the medications that I need to be on in order to assure that I start to walk down the road of recovery, but I know that it’s going to be a long one. But I’m hoping that the help I’m getting, combined with the support of my friends and family, will guide me into living a better and happier life. I want to be able to write more, I want to have fun on this blog again, I want to work on my characters again, I want to talk to my friends more. All of these things are things that will come with my depression getting more manageable, I hope. So please keep me in your thoughts and bear with me as I face this new path ahead.

That being said, I’m actually going to be leaving with Kelly to go to LA on Tuesday morning in order to visit our friend Emily. We’re going to be going to Anime Expo and seeing Aqours in concert together, along with doing some sight-seeing and general hanging out. I’ve never been to the American west coast before, so I’m really excited for it. This is going to be a much needed vacation after a very long two weeks (and an even longer six months if you include other things that have been happening in my life that have contributed to this final mental breakdown). Please pray for our safe travels and a safe trip.

All of that pretty much concludes this very long post. I’m sure I’m forgetting things, but I just wanted to get this all out there to give you an update on my life. I’m sorry for being so absent lately—a large factor of it has been my depression. But I’m serious when I say this time that I want to start using this blog more and interacting with all of you again. I miss Tumblr as a creative platform, because it really is a wonderful one. I’ve mentioned it before, but I am fairly social on Twitter. If any of you wish to interact with me, I suggest following me there as well.

Please continue to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers as we struggle to cope with the loss of a very precious family member. I’ve also mentioned this before, but if you still wish to donate to Reid’s memorial fund, the link is here. All proceeds will benefit Reid’s Boy Scout troop 336 and the Voices of Central Show Choir. Reid loved both of these activities very much, and there are many children who would love to participate in them, but do not have the money to do so. The money earned here will allow for them to do that. It’s what Reid would have wanted, as he was such a giving boy. If you wish to learn more about Reid’s story, please consider viewing the wonderful story done on him by NBC Dallas Fort Worth. It captures who Reid was beautifully, and I wish for more people to know about what an amazing person he was.

As a final note, always remember: Be safe, don’t sweat the small things, and tell the ones you care about that you love them.

#death mention #personal #do not reblog

33 notes · View notes