#i wouldnt even hafta try that hard

[spaciebabie]

[the-woild-is-y-erster]

vent sorry guys youse dont hafta read this its just my feewings<3

hey can someone convince me i'm not a failure and that i'm gonna make it through this year? because its not lookin too good rn boys

i have so much freaking homework and extracurriculars and i start sewing lessons again tomorrow and my ma's being really mean abt it and my brother is leaving for college this year or next and i'm really gonna miss him even though we haven't been really close in years and

the race i worked at this weekend? the company is owned by my best friends parents. yeah. the best friend ive been in love with for years. that best friend. and so i had to spend three days in close proximity with her trying not to cry because she has a new boyfriend every week so i know itll never happen. and then i finally learn shes single, but guess what!!!! she has a crush on like three different guys!!!!!! and she also doesn't know im ftm so being around her makes me feel bad because she only uses my deadname and pronouns so its so so much fun!!!! and we made this pact.

we promised eachother that we wouldnt kill ourselves if the other was still alive, and got eachother like promise rings and stuff and i 'proposed' with hers to her and shes just like 'omg thanks girlie!!!!🫶🫶' and i know im being super dramatic about this and that itll never happen so i should just let it go but it hurts!!!! it hurts so bad when she talks about her newest guy and i know that it shouldnt because there no reason she would ever love me back but it feels like im getting torn apart from the inside.

and im taking so so so many classes this year that any free time i have and some that i dont have is spent doing homework and its all so hard which is stupid because i should be able to do all this but i have so many freaking responsibilities this year, not including theater which is so much more stressful this year because our director is leaning heavily on me because im her only competent person and ive been with her for the past five years but the people in the class are friggin. INSANE and i dont know how to handle them

but i havent had a hug in over two months!!! i havent had friendly contact in so so long and im going insane because im a really tactile person but i never initiate because every time i do people think its weird and stop being friends with me

and im so

so lonely which is stupid but i feel like a can being squished in a trash compactor

anyway. i really appreciate you guys, and i think you folk and honestly newsies are the only thing really keepin me goin. so. like. thanks for that/gen.

[yenerdybird]

So were back. Behold, another one of my children

Bask in its glory

Im calling this one,

My Fault

And man its full of ✨angst✨

Its more of a time divergent then a full on universe alternate, but it happens after Pogtopia so i feeeel like it can go anyyywhere.

We start on a rooftop, a wind flies by, nipping at the two people standing there.

Tommy glances at Wilbur, but the man still doesn't look at him. Eyes and ears on Tubbo and Tommy doesnt know what to think of it. He knows what Wil is waiting for but he wouldnt really blow up L'manburg, right? This is WIL we're talking about! This is the man who founded the damn place! This was his home! This was Tommy's home...

"... Let the festival begin!"

Wilbur ran off, needing no prodding, and Tommy almost ran after him but Tubbos voice raises above the wind and Tommy looks back. His breathing stops as his best friend is being pushed against the lectern. Tommy turns back to Wil expecting him by his side. Instead, he finds him climbing over the crest of the hill. Trying to find the stupid button and Tommy surprised himself by not feeling disappointed.

Maybe...

Maybe he already knew Wil wasnt the good guy anymore.

AND BAM! THATS WHERE IT STARTS

Cause u know how Tommy always was like "Wilbur wouldnt do that, hes too pogchamp! Mememe" Until like the END! So im thinking that we speed it up a bit >:D And by doing this the next series of events happen

Tommy keeps a closer eye on Wilbur, which is fantastic! Because imagine all those fluff/mostly angst convos we could haveee (Tommy sees one of Wils letters?!)

Tommy, being more focused on Wil, realizes way before that Wil isnt with them before the Wither battle. (Might hafta change around the timeline a bit because we cant not have Techno give his Thesus speech)

Now this is where it gets real

Because Tommy realizes where Wilbur must be, he goes out and finds Wilbur before Phil and tries to talk him down (✨angst✨) surprise surprise, it doesn't work. Cue Phil! Who, Tommy leaves to talk to Wil, and then goes out to warn his peeps about the bombs (maybe he hears the wither battle end and wants to go check)

BUT in order to get to them he takes a short cut over the hill. Right across the bomb field (thu he doesnt know it). He sees Tubbo and waves as he starts to run over.

"...it was never meant to be."

And the bombs go off.

There's a part where Wilbur looks over the crater and at the people on the other side. (Right after this he asks Phil to kill him.) Then he sees Tubbo stock still, follows his gaze, and then stills himself. On the edge of the crater is a body. White and red, a lot more red then there used to be. He falls to his knees.

Tommy never made it across.

SO Wil doesnt end up dying but Tommy does.

"That cant be Tommy! I couldnt have-! I wouldnt-! Why did he have to come back for me!" Wil cant breath, he cant breath. "Heh ha, so it wasnt Schlatt that killed you or Dream or even Eret. It was me. OF F@#KING COURSE IT WAS ME!"

His vison had gotten blurry and he laid his forehead on the ground, still on his knees, as his arms wrapped around his chest. Why was just breathing suddenly so hard?! His chest burned and his vision was blackening around the edges.

"its my fault."

This wasn't how it was supposed to go!

Tommy was supposed to live, mess around with Tubbo, Live in a world without Schlatt. Tommy living out his days in peace! Like how he always talked about. That was the way it was going to go, that was the right way.

But then, when did it ever go right for Wilbur Soot?

Unbidden his eyes found the his body again. At the same moment he could hear his own voice, or maybe it was the person who said it first (either way, it was the voice of a traitor)...

"It was never meant to be."

Wil then goes into one of those classic, im letting myself go and hygene doesnt matter, what is shaving? What is a sun? Oh, you mean that bright ball in the sky that i saw last week?

People try to talk him, Phil being one of the only to get thru, it is a slow process.

The only one that got him to go outside is ✨Quackity✨, Frenemies am i right?

So Wil finally goes out, takes a good long walk, has some self-care for once when. Oh wowie zowie! What is that in the distance!

Hopefully, it's not my dead brother who died a brutal death, because of me, and has now been reincarnated as a ghost who doesn't remember anything from Pogtopia making me realize even more so how bad a person i was to you and whose mere presence would probably send my only just rising mental state down the drain, sending my self-care with it because now I'll feel like i have to overwork myself for you so that i can fulfill my need to make up for everything i put you through even though ur just his ghost and i cant help you anymore because youre dead and i cant bring you back...

...

Anyway, that's exactly who he is.

And thats my au! I feel like this can go multiple ways like maybe we bring the revive book in?

Im heading to bed, garsh i feel like an old lady, but im ready for sleeep! Good night!

[snekdood]

i used to be really scared of taking medication, when i was into new age spirituality shit id read about how antidepressants blunts your emotions, and then i read on some spiritual forum website someone say once that antidepressants make it like hard to spiritually connect, basically sort of saying that you wouldnt be able to connect to your "spiritual side" and that your "pineal gland would get calcified", and then my own paranoid thoughts turned that into "if i ever take any kind of medication ever it will make all the effects of psychedelics go away, ill unrealize all the spiritual stuff i learned, and since my 'pineal gland' will be calcified ill hafta start over with 'uncalcifying' it" that ill basically go back to square one as far as my spirituality goes, and i've since stopped believing a lot of the new age shit, but the paranoia still lingered even if i didnt believe my 'pineal gland' could be 'calcified' anymore, but things had gotten to a point where if i didnt take medication i felt like id just spiral and go insane, and now im actually on anti depressants and mood stabilizers and... none of that stuff has gone away. i can still see geometric patterns in nature, i can still connect with the things i find spiritual- i was just convinced of this narrative by people using the fact others can easily get paranoid against them.

im really glad that i discovered vaush, and he revealed all the dog whistles and all the bullshit, ive realized a lot of this new age shit can be co opted and used as a pathway in the alt right pipeline. anything that makes you distrust science to such a degree, that makes you think history is flexible, that makes you abandon any kind of reason for the sake of a divine source to worship, that can convince you that academic sources arent "the only sources" will EASILY be co opted by right wingers and used to steer you down their pipeline. its why i went from new age stuff to conspiracy theories so easily. i was luckily never actually right wing so anything that would have tried to convince me that its okay to see anyone as lesser than id look suspiscious of, but i think this stuff really gos to show that its really, really easy for the alt right to prey on mentally ill people.

this is really important to recognize when trying to get people out of the alt right- theres two kinds of people who are in the alt right; the kind of person who genuinely believes this stuff, who is just fucking evil and thinks everyone but white cishets should suffer, and then theres the kind of person whos had ther mental illness preyed on, who "believes" in this stuff more or less to have a community, and they seek this community out usually because a lot of people on the left can be really fucking cutthroat about how perfect you should be all the time, so a lax community where they expect virtually nothing of you but that support their "cause"- this is why i complain all the time about people who only care about being on the left to be the perfect pristine lefty, because your attitude actively pushes people who could otherwise be on our side away. im not going to act like thats everyone who joins the alt right, some people genuinely hate minorities, but there are plenty of people in those spaces who would have otherwise been on our side if we didnt make being on the left like walking on eggshells. we have to replicate what the alt right has done but make it left leaning; demand nothing but that you support the cause of being progressive.