#i’ll catch myself in a cold rage doing something toxic or petty or just downright unacceptable and be like hmm. who does THIS remind me of
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Like okay. I’m glad I’m my father’s daughter but also do I have to, on every level, be my father’s daughter
#like okay. looking Exactly Like Him i can deal with. the round face and chubby cheeks and dark eyes and thick hair? good#the height and the massive shoulders are extremely useful when weird men try anything. i just stand up and end their careers#but did i HAVE to get his hypermobile knee joints?? is that something i really had to be dealing with????!???#also i just want to point out that he fucked them up playing cricket. i didn’t even get to play cricket. i have so far dislocated my right#knee four times just by falling down in my house (thrice) and at work (once)#the whole thing where i’ve inherited his habit of sitting in the corner with a book and a cup of tea and not resurfacing is fine#i can deal with it. also lurking in the doorway watching tv and forgetting about the food i was making. and taking a bath for like 2 hours#with a book. regular. and liking dogs#did i have to be oblivious with money though? did i have to be incapable of budgeting??#did i have to get his temper?? i mean i haven’t thrown anybody through a glass door yet but liiiiiike#i’ll catch myself in a cold rage doing something toxic or petty or just downright unacceptable and be like hmm. who does THIS remind me of#perhaps my father politely asking his neighbour to not mow his lawn at 5am and them; when the neighbour refused; leaving the radetsky march#playing full blast on repeat and going away for a weekend#also!! the competitive bullshit. what kind of father NEVER lets his kid win a game. like not even once#my dad that’s who. i don’t think i ever once beat him at anything. maybe one day i would have#i just miss him. but in a way he’s not really gone. he passed on so much of himself to me and then left#personal
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