#i’m also particularly proud of the last bit with mikey :>

[rebornrosess]

THE BEAR: and when i’m back in chicago, i feel it.

[xocasper]

Hii, i have a story request (:

could you write a gerard x reader (female reader) where reader is rays sister and they go to highschool? similar to the im not okay video? She’s, like, really into him and one night, she stays over at the ways and things get going between gerard and her? Would absolutetly love fluff but mixed up a bit smut, hope youre comfortable with that (:

Have a nice day! (:

(also, sorry if that was too specific haha)

Kiss and Tell

Pairing: Gerard Way x Fem!Reader Summary: Crushing on your brother's best friend has got to be some sort of twisted curse, and a total violation of the Bro Code, according to Ray. Rules are made to be broken though, right? Warnings: NSFW content, mild violence, alcohol, religious guilt Tags: hurt/comfort, fingering, i’m not okay!au, protected sex Word Count: 7084 A/N: What the fuck happened here. Sorry this took so long to write! I was worried about it being too long so I restarted twice before giving in. It's definitely way too long, but who cares? Also, I think I'm incapable of writing fluff or something, hurt/comfort does not count. There's... probably fluff somewhere, right? I'd also like to mention that "a bit" didn't happen either, you got a boatload. Anyway, I apologize for my absence, and I hope you enjoy!

Having Ray as a step-brother was the equivalent of winning the lottery in your book. You could’ve gotten a total douche for a brother or a goody-two-shoes, but instead, you got Ray. He quickly wound up as your best friend, and you never had to do anything alone–not that he’d really let you anyway, which resulted in a close bond between the two of you. He was barely older than you, but he still took on the older brother role, proud of his title and playing the part flawlessly. It could be a bit annoying sometimes, having to follow him around like a lost puppy, either from your parents’ instruction or his, but you learned not to mind. Even his friends grew on you, which seemed nearly impossible at first. For someone as compassionate as him, you were floored when you met them–a trio of rowdy delinquents, who earned more detentions than you thought possible.

They were very sweet despite their reputation, happily inducting you into their group. You were similar to Ray, mostly staying out of trouble and having proper etiquette, fitting right in amongst the student body. They liked to poke fun at you for it, particularly Gerard, who got his kicks from irritating the teachers. He knew he was an outcast, and he’d claimed before that it was more fun to take advantage of it than stress himself trying to conform. None of the problems he caused were too severe, though class disruptions were something to be expected at this point.

The few classes you shared with him were accompanied by another one of the guys, which meant that someone was always occupying his time. This wasn’t a total loss, as it meant he didn’t catch your lingering stares that would undoubtedly give away your crush on him. It was inconvenient liking Ray’s best friend, especially with his overprotective nature, and you fell into an endless cycle of pining and heartache. You knew nothing would come of it, but here you were once again, watching the last five minutes of class tick away while Gerard and Frank caused a ruckus beside you, taking discreet glances towards him every now and then. The teacher was obviously annoyed and had shushed them many times, but they persisted, and she eventually gave up, insisting that they would regret it when the next exam rolled around.

When the bell finally rang, he jumped right out of his seat, sparing you a quick glance and nodding towards the door. Frank, however, practically tugged you out of your chair, barely letting you gather your notes.

“C’mon, Ray will kick my ass if I leave you behind again,” he grinned, grasping your hand and running out the door, the shrill sound of the teacher scolding him echoing through the hallway. It was lunch, which meant hanging around with Mikey while the rest of them plotted world domination, or whatever it was they talked about. You tended to stay out of it, observing the boys while Mikey elbowed you for staring too hard at Gerard.

“We’re sitting outside today,” Gerard declared, finally catching up with you and Frank.

You cocked an eyebrow, “Why? Did you put cyanide in the vents or something?”

He smiled cynically and loosened his tie, something that should not have been as attractive as it was. “No, we’re saving that for our senior prank,” he said, rolling his eyes in jest after you elbowed him. “I’m kidding, it’s just warm out.”

He draped an arm across your shoulders and watched as Frank bolted towards the back entrance of the school, unaware of the butterflies swarming your stomach at the sudden contact. You looked up at him briefly, but he paid you no mind and zoned in on his friends, waving over at them as you made your way across the lawn. His arm retracted sooner than you would’ve liked, leaving a strange emptiness in its wake as he laid across the steps, busying himself in a conversation with Ray.

The way he sat against the railing, his legs crossed and an arm outstretched above him seemed so carefree, his hair framing his face in a way that almost seemed unnatural as he glowed in the afternoon sun. You could feel Mikey shoving you gently, and you reluctantly peeled your eyes away from Gerard, regretting it as you received a disapproving look.

“Can you look at anything other than my brother?” he asked, pulling you down onto the bottom steps with him, your legs crossed over his with your back to the railing. His gaze didn’t falter, knowing something was off from the unfocused look in your eyes. Maybe you were still thinking about your exchange with Gerard, but what was so wrong with that?

“Okay,” he said before revising his previous statement. “Can you think about anything other than my brother?”

You scoffed, “I’m not.”

“Whatever,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Are you still on for tonight? Pete’s gonna pick us up.”

Oh, right. Mikey had decided to drag you to a party with him, insisting that this was his chance to finally fit in. Honestly, you weren’t sure how he got invited in the first place, but he was far too excited about it for you to ditch. Besides, it could be fun; the last one you had gone to was a birthday party in seventh grade. The flip side was that you didn’t know anyone there, and your parents would have your head if they found out. Not to mention Ray, who actually knew the kids there, and hated every one of them, constantly warning you not to hang around them. In short, it was a high-risk, low-reward situation, but Mikey had been begging you for days.

“Yeah, sounds good,” you told him, gaze soon refocusing back to the top step, much to Mikey’s displeasure.

Gerard glanced over at you briefly, giving you a tight-lipped smile before looking away again. He was never bothered by your staring or your typical unreciprocated pining. You were Ray’s little sister, obedient and demure, and the total opposite of him. At first, you thought he saw you as a tagalong, as he seemed to treat you differently from the rest of the group. Admittedly, he still did, but it was different–protective and playful, teasing you for caring about what other people thought, but also offering to beat them up for being so critical. How could you resist a guy like that?

Ray’s voice pulled you out of your thoughts, asking a dreadful question. “Where are you guys going tonight?”

Shit. You didn’t realize he had overheard, looking to Mikey for help. He had nothing though, staring back at you wide-eyed while you stammered, “Just over to his house.”

Gerard looked at you funny, probably knowing the truth as Mikey couldn’t seem to stop talking about it. Ray still looked confused, “I thought he said something about Pete driving?”

“Yeah, we were thinking about going to the movies first,” Mikey rushed out, glaring at Gerard for laughing.

Frank was no help either, making things worse by bringing up the party. “Isn’t Pete going to that party tonight, though?”

An elbow jab from you had him shutting up, Ray crossing his arms and shooting you a sharp look. “What’s this about a party?”

God, he was just like your mother.

“C’mon, leave her alone. Does she really look like she goes to parties?” Gerard said, motioning towards your proper posture and the homework you had already started. Even though he was trying to cover for you, it still stung, bringing on an onslaught of ‘does he hate me or am I sensitive’-type thoughts.

Ray sighed, “You’re right, sorry. I just—I get worried. There are so many jerks at this school and you don’t deserve that.”

“I’m not a jerk, does that mean I can date your sister?” Frank grinned, sliding down the steps and into your lap.

Gerard wrinkled his nose, his expression a tie between irritation and bewilderment. You gently pushed Frank off your lap, receiving an overdramatic groan in response. “You’re the biggest jerk,” you laughed, Frank pouting as he laid across the steps.

“No way, man,” Ray shook his head, crossing his arms indignantly. “That totally violates the Bro Code. None of you can date my sister.”

Wow, okay. You wouldn’t care so much if Ray’s best friend wasn’t Gerard, who you were clearly head over heels for. The rule made sense, of course. They were his friends first, and there were a million other guys for you to pick from; you just picked the wrong one. You didn’t bother glancing up at Gerard, too disappointed and annoyed by Ray’s protectiveness. Instead, you stayed quiet, turning back to your crumpled homework–courtesy of Frank–for the remainder of lunch.

The rest of the school day continued as usual, the boys being shoved against lockers and getting yelled at by both students and teachers while you blended in among your peers. You were walking to your last period class when you spotted Gerard, looking like an absolute mess, hair tousled and his tie practically hanging off of him. His navy blazer was unbuttoned, revealing his button-up that was in dire need of an iron, not to mention a wash as he wiped his hands on it. Dark blood stained bright white, matching a small cut on his cheek that was gushing quite a bit for one of its size. 

“Jesus, you look like hell,” you told him worriedly, tugging him towards the restroom.

“Hey, what–” Gerard began to ask, caught off guard as you dragged him away, growing more confused as you pulled him into the girls’ bathroom. “Are you sure I’m allowed to be in here?”

You frowned, “What happened?”

“Nothing, just some asshole picking on Mikey again,” he said, waving you off to no avail. “Fucker’s wearing rings. One of them sliced me, that’s all.”

Sighing, you pushed him back against the sink, running a paper towel under the tap. “Look, I don’t have anything on me, so you have to promise me to clean it properly when you get home.”

He rolled his eyes despite the faint smile that tugged at his lips. “Mhm, whatever.”

Gently, you cleaned up the blood, ignoring the hiss he let out as your fingers brushed against the cut. You leaned closer absentmindedly, eyes squinted in concentration, only to lose it as they met Gerard’s. The distance between the two of you was smaller than you intended, your breath stalling before you came to your senses, pulling away quickly while he remained indifferent. Flustered, you handed him another paper towel, folded in a neat square, “Hold it there for a minute, okay? I might have a bandage somewhere.”

“Why can’t I just go to the nurse?” he sighed, although he was more than grateful for your care.

“You know she’ll report you for getting in a fight. That kid will keep their mouth shut if they know what’s good for them, so at least try not to get detention.”

Eventually, you found a bandage in your school bag, your hand holding his as you uncovered the cut. You tried not to focus on how soft his hands were, but it proved to be quite the distraction as you patched him up. You ought to be ashamed of the thoughts that filled your head as you did something as simple as cleaning a cut, but you made no move to walk away or shun yourself, letting your mind wander for a moment more.

“Really?” Gerard asked, fidgeting as you retied his tie and flattened the wrinkles in his shirt to the best of your ability, only to button up his blazer to cover the bloodstain.

“This is an academy, Gerard, not a barn,” you told him playfully, clicking your tongue in mock disapproval.

“Whatever you say,” he told you, failing to hide his grin. “Be careful at that party tonight, alright? You’re real sweet, and I don’t want to see something bad happen to you.”

You hummed in acknowledgment, the flattery making your mind short-circuit for a moment. Now wasn’t the time for it though, so you gave him a final once-over and pulled him out of the bathroom, grateful that you shared the same class. The bell had only rung a minute or two before you stepped into the classroom with Gerard in tow, the universe smiling on you as you slid into your seats with no teacher in sight. Mikey was on your right, staring between the two of you quizzically, and began to question your whereabouts before the teacher dashed in, all sorts of discombobulated and apologetic for her tardiness as she began class.

You didn’t see Gerard much at all for the rest of the lesson, both because he was seated a row behind you and due to Mikey keeping you distracted. Whatever the teacher was going on about was drowned in the sound of the ticking clock, counting down the minutes until the bell, while Mikey bugged you until you helped him with his work. On top of that, you couldn’t think of anything other than Gerard, and how close the two of you had been.

As you walked out of class, the consequences of your actions hit you like a brick, realizing that you hadn’t learned anything in the last hour, but you hardly had time to beat yourself up before Mikey was trailing after you, rambling about tonight. You didn’t catch much of that either, other than to be ready by eight o’clock or he was dragging you out of the house himself.

It wasn’t like you planned on chickening out or anything—okay, maybe you considered it if consideration was brainstorming a list of reasons not to go, varying from the sudden death of a relative to spontaneous food poisoning. Though as you laid in bed, anxiety twisting in your gut, you decided that you could suffer through one party for your best friend.

Things had actually begun to look up at first; you had finally left the comfort of your bed, digging through your closet for anything that would make your parents scrunch their faces in disgust. Your search was successful, and you actually felt pretty good about yourself, admiring your reflection for a moment before rushing down the stairs. Nothing had gone wrong yet, and your parents even believed you when you said you were going to the movies. They did give you wicked side-eye for your clothes though, as well as a lecture about being out so late, but the sound of a car horn prevented a heated argument.

Mikey sat in the passenger seat, legs kicked up on the dashboard while Pete fiddled with the radio and continued to beep the horn at you, hollering as you stumbled into the backseat. You kicked his seat, “Pete, I swear to god my mother was about to file a noise complaint.”

He snickered, “C’mon, you were taking forever. I’m still shocked that Toro's letting you go to this party.”

“He doesn’t know, dickwad, and he’s not finding out,” you rolled your eyes, Pete sticking his tongue out at you in the rearview mirror, and getting a middle finger in response.

“Wow, ouch–” he started, quickly cut off by Mikey whining about how you were going to be late. The repartee fizzled out from there, Pete speeding off to god knows where. You still weren’t sure whose party it was, and honestly, you didn’t think they knew either.

That didn’t matter to either of them though, and soon you stopped caring too, the three of you laughing and talking the whole drive, eventually winding up at the house. There was already music blaring loud enough to make the room shake, and several dozen teens swarming the house, all reeking of sweat and alcohol.

Time was merely a construct as you adjusted to your environment, losing Mikey and Pete fairly quickly, and finding yourself chatting with various intoxicated classmates, many of them insisting that you should loosen up and have a drink. You denied every offer, deciding that you were going to play it safe, going on a hunt for Mikey instead.

You saw him once more throughout the night, chugging cheap beer and relishing in the attention he got from his peers, despite how foggy his memory would be the next morning. Thankfully, Pete had stuck by him, though instead of trying to sober him up, he was cheering right along with everyone else. He spotted you through his impaired vision, waving you over and handing you a cup.

“You gotta try this,” he said, giving you a lopsided grin, quickly melting to a frown as you shook your head.

“Mikes, how many drinks have you had?”

He turned to Pete, who shrugged. “A lot, I don’t know,” he told you, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose, still waving the cup at you. “Just one? It’s the best, I promise!”

“No, we need to get you home, alright?” you told him, feeling bad for taking his fun away, but deep down he knew it was time to leave.

He sighed, pulling the cup back to himself and downing it before you could react, receiving another chorus of cheers. All you had to do was run to the bathroom, and then you’d be off, taking care of an inebriated Mikey for the rest of the night. It was better than hearing him soberly whine about how you left him on a stranger’s couch though, even if he was pouty right now.

Five minutes. You were in the bathroom for five minutes, and when you came back, they were gone. To make matters worse, some guy was trailing after you, swearing he recognized you from his English class, trying to force a drink onto you, not to mention himself. Your mood spoiled fast, and you frantically searched the house for your friends, but they were nowhere to be seen. Thirty minutes must’ve passed before someone piped up, the stranger still following you around like a lost puppy.

“Hey, have you seen Pete and Mikey?” you asked, not caring who you were talking to at this point.

“Yeah, they left like… a while ago, I dunno,” they told you, pointing towards the front door.

Fuck. They had left without you. Between the drunk babbling in your ear, the rancid smell of the house, and the hurt of being left behind, you found yourself on the verge of tears, desperately trying to find a way out of this crummy situation. You had hit your breaking point, turning around and snapping at the guy following you, receiving a slew of insults before he trudged away. At least one of your problems was solved. The biggest of them all was still glowing in neon letters though: you had no ride, and you only knew two other people who drove–Ray and Gerard.

Ray was obviously out of the question, but Gerard stuck out to you as you rushed to find the house phone. You didn’t have his number, but Ray kept it scribbled out on yellow paper, Gerard’s name chicken scratched under Frank’s. Many times, you had stared at it absentmindedly, the image of dark ink on bright paper easy to picture, but the numbers were hard to read. You took a leap of faith though, going with your gut as you dialed his number.

No answer. You tried again. No answer. You tried again. On the final ring of your third call, he picked up.

“Who the fu–” he grumbled, voice low and gravelly; you’d probably woken him.

“Gerard?”

In his bed, six miles away, he shot up straight, calling your name into the receiver. “Are you okay?”

Pausing for a moment, you thought about your answer. “Remember that party Mikey wanted to go to? I went, and he got piss drunk, and they left me, and then there was this guy, and I don’t have a ride home, and you’re the only other person that can drive, and Ray would throw a fit if he found out, and–”

“Woah, breathe. Shit, kid, where are you?” Gerard asked, already climbing out of bed, tossing on a pair of sweatpants with the phone tucked in the crook of his neck. He could faintly hear you asking someone whose house this was, cursing at your naivety.

“Anderson’s? I don’t know where,” you confessed, embarrassed, but grateful for his tolerance.

He kept you on the phone for about a minute more, trying to figure out where you were, and eventually getting some helpful information out of you. At the very least, he had figured out a street name, and he was certain that he’d be able to tell which house was crawling with teenage miscreants.

Sure enough, he pulled up twenty minutes later, spotting you curled up on the lawn, desperately wanting to leave. He rushed over and crouched down in front of you, relieved to see that you’d calmed down. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Gerard. Pipe down a little though, you’re ruining your badass reputation,” you grinned, taking his hand as he pulled you up.

“Yeah, well I’d rather have my reputation tarnished than find out something bad happened to you,” he said, making your heart soar. “Ray would kill me, you have no idea.”

Of course, nothing bad could happen to you because your brother would go on a rampage, not because of you, and it stung like a sucker punch. The minute you were seated in the car, a series of pleas came spilling out of you.

“Speaking of Ray, you can’t take me home, he’ll freak out,” you groaned, watching his eyes squeeze shut in contemplation. “Please, my parents will be so pissed.”

He sighed, running his hands down his face, both from exhaustion and premature regret. “Yeah, well this is what happens when you lie and stay out until midnight.”

“Gerard, please,” you begged him, dreading whatever punishment you’d have to put up with when your parents found out.

Another deep sigh and he gave in, “Alright, fine. You can stay at mine.”

Gratitude poured from your lips, but he brushed you off, more focused on getting you home safe than anything. The ride home was relaxing, a breath of fresh air compared to the cloud of sweat and body odor that hung around the house party. Gerard kept the radio on, and the windows were cracked just enough to keep the car cool, a picturesque scene from the perspective of an onlooker. You could’ve sworn he was sneaking glances at you, but you ignored it, convincing yourself that it was your mind playing tricks on you so you couldn’t get your hopes up.

Gerard didn’t immediately get out as he pulled into the driveway, turning the ignition off and facing you, the front porch light shining on the two of you. There was something on his mind, but you weren’t sure what, so you stared back at him, eyes lingering on the cut from earlier. He had taken off the bandage, undoubtedly because he figured he was tough and could stick it out, but upon closer inspection, you realized he had cleaned himself up, per your instruction. Gently, you cupped his cheek, “You listened.”

He nodded, “Yeah, of course I listened. I think you’d kick my ass if I didn’t.”

“Try listening at school too, you might see some results,” you told him, and he rolled his eyes before they fell on yours.

In the dimly lit car, you could see his gaze flick down to your lips; once, twice, steadily inching closer, and then nothing. He rethought his decision as your lashes fluttered shut, clearing his throat and hopping out of his seat instead. The disappointment from earlier returned, and you followed him up the steps as if you hadn’t almost kissed.

“Mikey’s been home for a bit; I didn’t realize they left you behind,” he said as you walked inside. “Head downstairs, I’ll take the couch.”

“What? No, I’ll take the couch, it’s your bed,” you insisted, arms crossed stubbornly.

This went on for a bit, back and forth bickering about who would take the couch before Gerard threw his hands in the air, “We’ll share the bed, how’s that?”

Obviously, there was no logical reason for you to share a bed with him. It was a recipe for disaster, especially after he chickened out in the car, but you made up your mind with little hesitation. Out of sheer obstinance–and totally not your crippling crush on him–you agreed.

“Fine.”

He seemed pleased, motioning for you to follow him as you sauntered down the stairs. You had been in his room before, but you got a better look this time, taking note of the sketches and Fangoria issues scattered across his desk, and the pieces of his spare uniform thrown haphazardly across the floor. It matched his character well, sustaining his delinquent image in a way that was more charming than threatening. The atmosphere was comforting despite its edginess, a trait it had acquired from Gerard. It was considerably different from Mikey’s, but you loved it nonetheless.

Your staring slipped under the radar as he rummaged around in his dresser, tossing an old t-shirt at you and dropping down on his mattress. The fabric was soft and worn, smelling of coffee and cigarettes, and most of all, Gerard. You made quick work of your clothes, realizing a bit too late that he could still make out your silhouette, no matter how dark the room was. You gaped at him, “Hey, turn around before I tell Ray!”

He snickered to himself, covering his eyes while you tugged his shirt on, “I didn’t see anything, I promise.”

After a moment, he pulled his hand back and waved you over, sliding over as you flopped down on his bed. Silence settled between you, the air still thick with tension, each of you waiting for the other to act on their impulses, or at the very least, say something. You were on opposite ends of the mattress, and you could see him staring back at you once more, his eyes illuminated by a pale sliver of moonlight.

“What?” you asked him, biting back a nervous smile.

He grinned, “Come here.”

You shifted closer, curling up next to him while his arms snaked around your waist. It was an unusual feeling, but not unwelcome, warmth spreading through you as he held you closer.

“You know, when I first met you, I thought you were an ass,” you told him.

“Yeah? What else did you think of me?”

It was cocky the way he said it, but his arrogance was diluted by his charm. You thought for a moment, “Well, I believed that rumor that you… neutered the headmaster.”

“Who said that was a rumor?” he said, raising an eyebrow, but his facade shattered and he started laughing with you.

Anxiously, you asked him a similar question. “Have you heard any rumors about me?”

He hummed pensively for a moment, deciding whether or not to push his luck. “I heard a rumor that you have a crush on me.”

You definitely weren’t expecting that. You had several options, including lying, confessing, and laughing it off. His lopsided grin was paired with sincere eyes, and if you looked close enough, it seemed like he wanted the truth, even if he hadn’t been honest himself. No, he had not heard that you had a crush on him. He had started to piece it together himself though, and the car ride had been the push he needed. For a single moment, his typical mischievous expression softened, turning earnest, though his friskiness never faded, as if wearing a confident smile would cushion the blow of rejection.

Said blow never came though, and instead you quoted Gerard himself. “Who said that was a rumor?”

He wasn’t sure what to do, not used to getting what he wanted, but this time when he glanced down at your lips, you didn’t let him slip away. With a racing heart and an adrenaline rush, you kissed him. It was brief, and you studied him closely after pulling away, hardly getting a chance to overthink your actions before he was leaning back in. His grip on your waist loosened, hands sliding under your shirt and tracing patterns on your skin as he kissed you. The way his lips moved was skillful, smooth and sure while keeping a hint of playfulness, nipping lightly between kisses.

You could feel yourself melting against him, his unexpected gentleness effectively stopping your train of thought, pressing closer to him for more. Your arms hooked around his neck, hands threading through his hair to pull him closer, really doing anything to break his restraint. A harsh tug that almost had you apologizing did the trick, eliciting a moan from him, and his grip grew stronger.

One of his hands slipped away from your skin, retreating to the nape of your neck as your lips parted. He broke away for a moment, resting his head against yours as he caught his breath, the sound of soft panting echoing in your ears as he swept his thumb across your bottom lip, soon to be swollen and kiss-bitten. Swiftly, he leaned back in, pulling you flush against him, each kiss more passionate than the last. With his hand holding you close, he was able to kiss you deeper, his tongue swiping across your lips before parting them, every action effortless as you were putty in his hands.

Not only was it unethical, but it was nothing short of sinful the way his tongue moved against yours, savoring the taste of you, his head spinning as things got more heated. It felt wrong to be kissing Gerard, letting him touch you with the knowledge that he had gone against his best friend’s wishes, your brother, for Christ’s sake, just to cozy up with you. When he pulled away for a breather, smiling softly and pecking your lips, you decided that maybe it wasn’t so wrong after all—granted it wasn’t right, but you could make up your mind in the morning.

“Still gonna tell Ray?” Gerard asked, nose brushing against yours, pressing short kisses to your lips.

“Hell no,” you said, laughing lightly before leaning back in.

His hands returned to your hips while yours rested against his face, kissing him hot and open-mouthed, feeling bliss down to the bone as if it were moral. Everything about him was intoxicating, from the taste of his lips to the strokes of his hands. You could hear his steady breathing each time you pulled away, his face resembling the look he got before doing something bad–except you were “something bad” in this scenario, and you had no plans of stopping him.

“That party wasn’t any good, was it?” Gerard asked out of nowhere, making your eyebrows knit together as you shook your head. “Do you wanna have some real fun?”

And holy shit, his lips were pressed to your ear, his low whispers and soft breathing making your stomach twist in knots. “Yeah, alright,” you choked out, hardly thinking straight as he trailed kisses down your jaw.

His hand was soft, but his grip was firm, turning your head to expose the nape of your neck, his lips inching lower and leaving lovebites in their wake. After peppering a few kisses across your skin, soothing the handful of marks left behind, Gerard shifted, hovering above you. He caught your lips in another kiss, messier this time, his focus centered on his fingers tracing your waistband. Everything was hot, and there was far too much fabric in the way, but there wasn’t much you could do with your hands tangled in his hair. Kissing him was addictive, and you were tripping on oxytocin, grinding up against his hand on a quest for friction.

He pulled away, and though you couldn’t see his crooked grin in the dark room, you could hear it when he spoke. “You’re always watching me,” he commented, his fingers leaving your skin as he flicked on his table lamp, displaying his predicted smile. “Don’t stop now, alright?”

You nodded, and his hand retreated, sliding further down your figure, the pads of his fingers running along your inner thigh. It was warm, too warm, setting your body ablaze as he grazed thin fabric, wet with desire. Looking anywhere but Gerard was more than tempting, a cruel concoction of embarrassment and arousal churning in your stomach, faintly soothed by a quick peck on your forehead.

“Is this okay?” Gerard asked, wide-eyed and hopeful, his fingers eagerly tracing the waistband of your panties.

“Yeah,” you breathed, your lashes threatening to flutter shut, but god, was this a sweet view.

He quit wasting time after that, tugging them down and shucking your shirt up to your stomach, watching closely as he pushed your thighs apart. Similar to his kisses, his fingers were smooth and slick, gliding across your cunt and spreading you open, growing harder at the sight of you, glistening with illicit arousal. A quiet whine from you did wonders for his ego, placing his fingers to his lips for a moment.

The taste of guilt and unholy desire graced Gerard’s tongue, wicked truths and sugar-coated lies having him believe that sin would swallow him whole. To his surprise, Satan didn’t crawl out from under his bed and drag him down to Hell by his ankles. Instead, the stillness was broken by your hand grasping his, leading his slick fingers back between your legs, impatience spiking the action. As awful as it sounded, his friendship could wait until the morning, when you weren’t looking at him like his dick was God’s magnum opus.

As if kissing him wasn’t hot enough alone, it seemed to increase tenfold with his fingers inside of you, the friction of his palm and curl of his fingers igniting every nerve in your body. He looked like sex personified, leaning above you on his left arm while his right drifted lower, his long hair falling in his eyes, focused on your lips, slightly swollen to match his. You could hear your own breathing, quick and uneven, cut off sporadically as Gerard muffled each of your moans. He still tasted like you, like secrets and midnight confessions, like tongue and teeth and hands where they’re not supposed to be. The shirt he had given you must’ve been washed a while ago, the smell of detergent lost beneath smoke and earth, late nights torn between fake IDs and horror movies. Hardly quick enough, you threaded your hand in his hair, connecting your lips as a wave of pure bliss crashed over you.

“Shh,” he mumbled, pulling away and rubbing circles on your hip. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you breathed, running your hands across the faded fabric of his shirt, wandering south to the clear outline of his erection.

His eyebrows raised slightly, not expecting much else, other than a couple kisses before dozing off. In no way was he opposed though, watching you curiously. “Honey, your brother is gonna kick my ass if I sleep with you,” he smiled sardonically, the pet name only fueling your desire.

“Baby, you’ve already got one foot in the grave for kissing me,” you told him, mimicking his tone and pulling him in close, your nose brushing against his. “And I’d hate for you to die a virgin.”

Gerard could’ve dropped dead right then and there, the one-liner enough on its own, not to mention the tantalizing kiss you sealed it with. Of course, the only girl that was totally off-limits had him going weak, not to mention painfully hard. Sick of torturing the two of you, he granted you permission. “I’m not a virgin though,” he mentioned, laughing under his breath as he said it.

“Yeah? Prove it,” you dared, swiftly tugging off his sweatpants.

He caught his lip between his teeth, sinking in slightly as you rubbed him over his boxers, taking as much time as possible before he crumbled completely. You could hear the hitch in his breath as your hand brushed against him, his eyes shining with a sense of vulnerability that you’d never seen from him. He didn’t get many chances to let his guard down, always looking tough to ward off the kids at school, but here he was, letting you take the wheel for a moment.

Finally, you pulled off his boxers, granting him sweet relief from his confinements, wrapping your hand around him for a moment. As fun as it was to watch him squirm, you were feeling more empty than ever, giving him a few sure strokes before letting him rummage through his nightstand.

Gerard paused after rolling the condom on, some sort of reality kicking in, but instead of guilt, he was happy, swelling with pride as he stared down at someone who wanted him. It felt nice to be wanted, he supposed, tugging his shirt off and taking indiscreet glances at you as you copied him.

“Are you sure?” he asked, giving you a tight-lipped smile when you lifted your hand, carefully avoiding the cut on his cheek as you brushed your thumb against his skin.

It was odd how it seemed to kickstart all of this–you nearly kissed him in the bathroom, and then the car, and now here you were, naked in his bed. Maybe it was the moment he realized he wanted you too, or maybe he’d already known for a while; you weren’t sure, and you’d probably never know. What you did know, was that you were grateful that the “fucker’s wearing rings,” and that you had gone to the party. You even found yourself grateful that you’d been left behind–not that you’d tell Mikey and Pete, you were more than ready to throw a fit on Monday. Without it though, you probably wouldn’t be staring up at Gerard, placing a delicate kiss on his lips, and whispering, “Yeah.”

He nodded at you, slowly pushing in and stalling for a minute, scanning your face for signs to stop. There weren’t any though, and as he buried himself inside of you with his chest pressed flush against yours, he didn’t feel like he was staring into the eyes of Ray’s sister. He wasn’t sharing secrets and soft kisses with her. He was sharing them with you. It was strange, how you didn’t feel like you were giving yourself up to the school rebel, either. Nor did you feel like you were moaning for your brother’s best friend, but rather Gerard. It seemed as though you had shed your exoskeletons, leaving nothing but the reality that laid beneath layers of labels and assumptions, facades and fronts. Gerard was Gerard, and you were you, and at that moment it was all you needed, save for the sweet kiss he gave you before rocking his hips against yours.

His delicacy didn’t last for too long, not that you minded, wrapping your arms around his neck and tugging him closer as he thrust into you. He moved quickly and slightly sloppy, spreading your legs further apart to pound deeper, keeping one hand on your stomach, gradually sliding lower. A moan slipped past his lips as you pulled his hair, searching for anything to ground you, but it seemed to do the opposite, his pace picking up and growing more desperate. His breathing was scattered, as was yours, littered with soft whines and moans, hardly suppressed as you bit your lip, but it didn’t seem to matter to either of you anymore.

Gerard came first, holding your waist with an iron grip, continuing to snap his hips against yours despite the threat of oversensitivity. With your muscles wound tight, he pressed his thumb to your clit, the pressure and penetration triggering your release, Gerard somehow finding the strength and stamina to continue until you were weak. Heavy breathing echoed between the two of you, watching each other closely until you cracked a dazed smile, receiving one in return. He was glistening with a thin layer of sweat, skin smooth and free of imperfections, an invitation in your opinion. Slowly, as if the slightest movement would scare him off, you pressed your lips to his neck, planting a soft kiss on it before blemishing the clear skin, leaving a faint reminder that this was real.

Gerard looked at you curiously, nearly losing his breath again as you looked back at him in wonderment. If Ray was going to shun him, shout, kick him into next year, anything, he was going to savor you while you were in his arms. That started with a kiss, chaste this time, a bold contrast to every other. Then he pulled out, cleaning up quickly with a conveniently placed box of tissues that were definitely for allergies, not his collection of horror movies. You pulled his shirt back on, and he put on his boxers, finally climbing under the sheets and holding you close. Truthfully, you weren’t sure what to say, looking up at him like he had any idea, but he was speechless too.

“I hope you know how to fight,” you finally said, your head on his chest, listening to the steady pound of his heartbeat.

“Yeah?” he asked, eyes sleepily falling shut. “Why?”

You smiled as if it were the funniest thing in the world, “Because Ray’s gonna beat your ass when he finds out.”

“That’s just it,” he said, clicking his tongue. “I don’t kiss and tell.”

You cuddled closer to him, a bit more hopeful than before. “Neither do I, so I guess it’ll be our secret, won’t it?”

He hummed in confirmation and kissed the top of your head, though he wasn’t exactly elated to be keeping you a secret. It didn’t matter to him now though, willing to keep his lips sealed and save himself from being clubbed if it meant this would continue. It was a foreign feeling to him, the warmth you exuded as you laid placidly against him, his bad boy persona fading away and being replaced by something softer–contentment, he figured, though he didn’t care to label it. Instead, he focused on drifting off to sleep, where he didn’t have to worry about angry brothers or betrayal, but rather the girl tucked under his arm, falling asleep to the sound of his heart, beating just for her.

taglist: @lubbockshusband @yachiiko @newgirlinhell @blackberryblossom @whothefuckisfranklero @griffinfinity @heaveaux @aliceblxck @ce-ci @halloweenbitch2764 @saywhaaaa @bluemarzbars @demolitionlvvrs

[tmntallthewaydown]

Tales of the Hidden City Writing Appreciation Post Pt.1!

The last batch of episodes, Tales of the Hidden City, were excellent. As an animator, it’s easy to get bowled over by the visuals of the show and just rant about those, but I wanted to spotlight another awesome part of Rise of TMNT -- the writing!

The writing is always fun in the show, but there were parts of these episodes that I really wanted to call out for how clever and great they are.

Each of the Tales of the Hidden City eps puts the characters in a situation where their strengths are negated or challenged. (Also, big cheer for a bunch of episodes finally exploring the Hidden City. It’s such a fun location, I want to see it all.)

Donnie Vs Witch Town  an episode where Donnie’s tech can’t solve the problem Raph’s Ride Along  an episode where Raph’s heroics are seen as anything but Hidden City’s Most Wanted  an episode where Mikey’s peacekeeping can’t keep the peace Bad Hair Day  an episode where the face man’s face ain’t enough

I figured I’d do a separate post for each episode so it doesn’t get over-long. 

I’ll be focusing on character development mainly since that’s what stood out to me most!

Donnie Vs Witch Town

Directed by Abe Audish, Written by Ian Busch, Storyboarded by Alicia Chan

*Spoilers for the episode!* I won’t do full recaps, and assume you’ve all seen the ep if you’re reading this..

We start with Donnie referencing the Shadow Fiend in the Battle Nexus. 

“Rumour has it, this Shadow Fiend is quite the fierce champion”

I’m assuming this line’s here because the writers want to keep dropping us tantalizing crumbs to set up the Shadow Fiend as being an important figure in this season. The writers want to keep them present and in our minds as well as let us know that whoever the fiend is, (I bet we all have guesses), they’ve gotta be making quite the name for themselves if even the Turtles have heard of them.

April says she’s headed to Witch Town, whereupon Donnie is horrified. I think horrified is the right word.

“Drop it, D.” “Why not ask me? Mr Science!”

The “Drop it, D” is an elegant way to imply this conversation is a continuation of one they were having pre-episode. April is already very done with the discussion.

Donnie’s line is great because it’s one of two times in this episode that he calls himself ‘Mr Science’ or ‘The Science Guy’. Here, the line comes off as triumphant and proud, but later there is a feeling of desperation to it. It’s a really nice parallel to set up at the beginning, so we can hammer home the duality of what that label means to Donnie.

To preface, this episode deals with Don’s self worth being tangled up in his ability to do Science good. Because of this, he does a lot of projecting in this episode. For the most part, you can assume any time he mentions ‘Science’, he is actually talking about himself. Basically, substitute that word for his own name, and it makes the subtext more obvious.

Here, have these just because they’re fun.

Don ‘helping out’ with various Science Fair projects. April has a good reason not to ask him for help again.

A nuclear powered cooking multi-tool?

The Erupting Volcano. The floor is literally lava.

The Classic Potato Battery experiment.

“Hmm. That must have been the work of another Teenage Mutant Ninja Dummie.”

I’m calling out Donnie’s response here just because I enjoy the consistency the writers give to the way he handles failures. Innnnn that he will feign complete ignorance of the incident and claim it must have been someone else entirely.

--

“You turned a cuddly animatronic bear into a psychotic robot bent on destroying us? No? Got April Fired? Mmm? Nothing? Mmm?” “That does not sound like me, no.”

- from Al Be Back

--

In general it’s an established part of his character that he has problems accepting failure.

Donnie deflects blame in many other episodes - to April in ‘The Purple Jacket’ and to his brothers in ‘Todd Scouts’ off the top of my head. This trait is pertinent to this episode in particular because the apology we get at the end of the episode from him is by far the most full and cohesive admission of blame he has given in the two series so far. I’d say it’s a step forward on the level of Leo’s apology from the ‘Air Turtle’ episode (another great episode showing Leo’s growth towards becoming a team player!). 

Either way, it’s nice that we see him redirect the blame early in the episode so the moment can provide more of a contrast to him coming full circle and accepting the blame later.

One last thing about the line - I put my hands up to admit that this may be me overthinking it, but Don essentially calls himself a dummie here. Whether this was intentional by the writers to hint at his insecurities or just a fun line, I couldn’t say - but since it relates back to events later in the episode I thought it might be worth mentioning.

Moving on, Donnie accompanies April to Witch Town despite it being the last place he wants to be. It’s our first hint that his obsessive need to convince April that all Mystic stuff is garbage might run a bit deeper than just vocal teasing. 

April calls him out on being closed minded and we get

“Oh I’m sorry, I was just stewing over how everyone needs to be more like me.”

Of course we know that’s not how he really feels, as we’ve all seen that episode.

The writing here is nice and subtle. It lets us know that Donnie isn’t being honest. He’s giving April sass, but the sentiment he’s expressing is false.

The episode continues with Donnie comparing every feat of magic to it’s scientific equivalent until April essentially tells him to can it if he doesn’t want a bat to the plastron. The witches show off, prompting exclamations from April at how amazing their magic is.

Then we get one of my favourite lines from Donnie as he snaps.

“Your Mystic Magic is not amazing, it’s simple and soft. There, I said it.”

That soft is a word that Donnie would use as an insult, associating it with something he dislikes and looks down on, is very affecting. You know what else is soft?

The writing here is so revealing and wonderful. They could have used any insult, but the writers chose to have him express his frustration in a way that sheds light on the way Donnie sees himself. It gets right to the root of the problem he has in this episode, which is that without his science and tech, Donnie doesn’t feel like he is particularly ‘Amazing’ either.

That April calling magic amazing is what prompt’s Don’s snap, rather than any of the words of the townsfolk, is one of the clues we’re given to the truth behind D’s drive in this episode. The writers will bring that back later on!

So April and Don are kicked outta Witch Town when Don’s improv musical performance to convince April to let him help her instead ends up blowing up in his face.

Popping this here because watching Donnie get deservedly smacked by April at this point was very cathartic for me. Dingus.

Donnie offers to help the witches in return for them helping April. It seems sweet at first, but it becomes plain fairly fast that this is really another opportunity for D to try and prove that science is king.

“Ah would you look at that. Banished, and I still saved the day.” “Wait, is that why you did this?” “Nooo! It’s because I was sorry - about being closed minded - about how wrong I were.”

Again, it’s up to the writers to show us that Donnie is lying about his motivations here. That little bit of incorrect grammar (saying ‘were’ instead of ‘was’), calls out to us that something is up. Donnie is smart, and it’s out of character for him to word things sloppily. It lets us know that all is not well, and that things are yet to be resolved, internally at least.

I couldn’t help calling out this wonderful posing, even though I’m trying to focus on the writing. It really sells us on the dissatisfaction brewing between them. Gorgeous acting from the animators.

The peace offering potion the witches were making seems to work, and Donnie wastes no time in trying to rub their faces in the fact that science provided one of the ingredients - until it becomes clear that Donnie’s contribution has soured the brew. He tries to avoid blame and responsibility, as we’ve seen him do in previous episodes (and earlier in this one). Nothing I’m calling out here besides the novelty of seeing a mob of witches trying to lynch a scientist - a bit of a historical reversal!

The big bad is storming Witch Town and Donnie gets ready to smack down - specifically “because when I defeat it with my tech, they will have to admit science is better!”

It’s worth saying that on the word ‘they’, he points directly at April. Because as we’re about to discover, it’s not actually proving to these random villagers that Science is best that’s important to him (though maybe that would be nice), but about proving to April specifically that Science is best. Thank you animators/storyboarders for making that subtext more explicit!

At this point we as the audience have had it up to here with Donnie’s bullheadedness. The reveal that D’s gripe is personal and April/brother specific, rather than just a frustration with Witch Town in general, goes some way to explaining why he is so obsessive over it.

Donnie’s Tech Bo breaks in the conflict, and we get the awesome reveal of April’s Mystic Bat. She is of course, badass with it and kicks butt. April saving Donnie’s hide with Mystic Magic prompts the confrontation between them that is the emotional heart of the episode.

“Why are you so obsessed with proving me wrong on this!?” “Because! I’m the Science Guy! (sigh) If Mystic Powers can do everything I can do but better, then why would you guys even need me?”

Here is the payoff to the opening ‘Mr Science’ line from earlier in the episode. The wording is similar, however this time the line is tinged with defeat. The duality revealed is that Science makes Don feel powerful, but without it, he feels powerless.

The visuals that go hand in hand with the dialog are very telling here, too.

The image of Donnie holding his broken Tech Bo isn’t just to show us that his technology isn’t enough to win, that it can be broken. It’s also showing us how he sees himself, drawing a direct comparison between Donnie and his broken Tech. He’s not always perfect, but he’s ultimately useful, right? Until he’s not. I’ve no doubt that this was a deliberate move from the Storyboarders, and I think they sold the moment brilliantly.

His words make it clear that Donnie believes that “if Mystic Powers can do everything I can do but better”, ie, help April with her project without blowing her classroom up, why would she not keep going to Mystics instead of him in the future? 

With her not ‘needing’ him for scientific assistance any more, he sees no reason for her to continue hanging out with him. This ties back to the clues the writers dropped earlier in the episode, that suggest he doesn’t regard himself highly without his science. 

The obsession this episode with disproving how ‘Amazing’ Mystic Magic is in front of April makes a lot more sense through the lens that he is fighting to keep April’s friendship.

“You Guys” expands this sentiment to include the rest of his family. If his tech ends up letting down the team and is unneeded then by extension, he would also be unneeded.

As viewers, we know this is untrue. Even beyond the fact that these characters rely on one another emotionally, we saw Don fight alongside his brothers in ‘Insane in the Mama Train’ - all of them tech-less and Mystic-less - and they kicked butt, even if they did end up being eventually captured. However, it’s clear from the writing here that this isn’t how Donatello himself feels.

“You’re not important to me because of your tech, you’re important to me because of you! I don’t think Mystic Powers is better than Science. If anything, they’re stronger together, just like us! Right?” “Right!”

April’s comeback is wonderful. Super eloquently written and gets right to the heart of his insecurities. First undermining the thought that if Don didn’t have tech, she wouldn’t need him, then framing Mystic Powers as something that will bring them closer together. Beautiful writing! 

I also want to just celebrate how the writers handle April’s characterisation as being someone who is super excited and curious about any kind of Mystic Magic or supernatural shenanigans. I really like this consistency in her character where she is way into anything otherworldly or unexplained. I hope we get to see more of it in the future!

We get to see April and Donnie kick butt together which super fun! I’m very happy we got another episode with these two, the way they bounce off one another is really enjoyable to watch.

“I was wrong to not be more open-minded. It’s just that Mystic Powers are the one thing I have not been able to solve. As a man of Science, it is maddening to finally come upon something that you do not understand. Especially when your dum-dum brothers totally do, and they wave their dum-dum weapons in their dum-dum hands all the dum-dum time! But that is just a long way of saying I am sorry’.

The apology is very articulate, letting us know that D is truthful here. It’s a nice little payoff when compared to his earlier lie with April, where the writers had him fudge his words to imply his dishonesty. 

April actually believes him this time too, judging by the lovely acting here. 

 We’re treated to this perspective on Donnie’s feelings, which reveals a couple of interesting things to us. ‘The one thing I have not been able to solve’ indicates that he has previously attempted - and failed - to understand Mystic stuff, which is new information. It goes against our impressions from the rest of the series so far (that he is simply disinterested). We also learn that his brothers’ understanding of their powers has created a knowledge imbalance that is a frustration to him. I very much hope that the show keeps taking steps in this direction with Donnie, just because I would love to see an arc that results in him getting more involved with the Mystic side of things.

To wrap up the episode, I really appreciated the way the writers handled the internal conflict in Donnie Vs Witch Town. There was a lot of subtlety and subtext in the writing, which I am absolutely here for. Donnie’s end reveal really recontextualizes the earlier shenanigans in a meaningful way, and marks a step forward for him. April has her Bat now, and Don is a little more open to Mystic Powers as a possibility! I’m excited to see where we go next! 

Thanks for sticking with me, if you got to the end, and I hope you found it as interesting as I did! ‘Raph’s Ride along’ is the next ep I’ll dig into.

[roseyturtles]

Frosted Glass Door Part 4: Walk

Hey y’all. This is the final part of the @brightlotusmoon inspired fic. It’s been a pretty wild ride from research to writing to posting date, and a ride I’ve missed. (I need to post fanfictions more often. Probably in either Undertale/Deltarune or Kingdom Hearts next.)

This doesn’t get as metaphysical as the last chapter, but again, don’t be afraid to let me know if I got something wrong.

I love y’all. Thanks for joining me on this journey.

Your eyes slowly peeked, then cracked open. You felt...refreshed? Like your brain had just taken a bath in clean, cool spring water after a long day of sweating in the sun.

Shamrock, cobalt, and chocolate eyes all looked at you with the same stunned expression. It only then occurred to you that Michelangelo had been in danger of his life not even ten minutes ago. You glanced over at the monitor---everything was stable. Heart rate, breathing, blood oxygen, everything. You looked, reluctantly, back at your boyfriend, and instantly fell back in love. The sickly greenish-blue pockets of mutagen had retreated, leaving only small black scabs in various places on his face and arms. Your peaceful mood flickered when you thought about the same being left behind in his organs, but shook it off: Mikey was right. Whatever life threw at him, he could roll with it. Other than those minute pieces of evidence left behind, he was a sleeping prince. You prevented yourself, just this once, from leaning down and kissing him, choosing to squeeze his hand instead.

    “Did...did he seriously pull you into the astral plane?” Leonardo finally chimed in.

You nodded, almost excited about it, but realized something.

    “Wait. So you guys know about his psionic powers?”

A few beats of silence passed. If you strained you could hear a pin drop over the beeping of machines. Then, IMMENSE, tension-shattering laughter, as if you had just told the funniest joke conceivable to man. You stared at the trio of brothers in disbelief---they had just asked you if he had pulled you into the astral plane! How could they not believe he...O-oh. Oh. Wait. Your face flushed. These were his brothers. They had grown up with Mikey. Of course they knew about it. Raphael walked around and threw an arm around your shoulder, looking---feeling?---a lot better than he had earlier.

    “You’re alright, (Y/N). You’re alright.”

It would be a few more hours until Mikey woke up. Donatello gave you a mess of medical terms as to why, but what you gathered was that his body still had to repair quite a bit of damage before he was ready for the energy expense of wakefulness, but he didn’t require any further attention. While you waited, you asked if your game could be moved into his room; Leo and Raph agreed and went off to move the TV. Donnie just went back to monitoring the radar he had shown you before, muttering something about electromagnetic disablers. You just stayed by Mikey’s side the entire time, holding his hand and whispering to him.

…

You weren’t sure, but...after being pulled into the astral plane quite completely, after having experienced another person use telempathy on you time and again...you could swear you could feel everything---everything---much brighter and better. If you focused hard enough, you could sense Donnie’s intense focus, his curiosity, his frustration, in the corner of your eye. There was also a slight bitterness, but also a peace, in the next room over. Raphael? Leonardo? Both? ...it didn’t matter right now. The fact that you could sense their emotions at all was exciting.

In the weeks to follow, Mikey took it easy while the scabs flushed out of his system (or, more specifically, his alveoli and the folds on his brain, as that was where they could do the most damage without close supervision.) Not only was that the perfect excuse to do rematch after rematch in Smash, but also the perfect excuse to start honing your psionic skills. Mikey would even combine the two activities, randomly asking,

    “Hey, (Y/N), how am I feeling right now?”

At first you were able to pick it out easily.

    “Excited,” you’d say. Or, “Proud,” or “Content,” or “Loving.”

You particularly liked that one, because he’d reward you with a few kisses on the cheek instead of the normal high-five. Over time he started keeping up a few of the layers that kept you from seeing his colors when passing him in the hall. At first you’d have to pause the game and concentrate to make your guess, but soon enough you were able to catch little flickers of the color-scent-sound shining through without so much effort.

    “Stressed. You wanna call quits?” “Tired. Let’s go chill in your room, I’m feeling a cuddle session coming on.” “I’m calling in a pizza, you’re hungry out of your mind.”

That, too, eventually melded into learning how to soothe the negatives manually. Between all those there were lessons on keeping yourself protected, on balancing the outside struggle with the inside, on forming shields, on attacks, on healing, on countless other self-defense mechanisms, practiced so often over the course of those few weeks and beyond you could probably take on a wraith in your sleep (though Mikey was a bit sardonic at that particular thought.) Nonetheless, you were much more skilled by the time Donnie said it was okay for your love to be back on the field. So skilled that sometimes you caught yourself answering the emotions of the others.

    “Leo, dude, you want some tea? Might help those nerves.” “It’s alright, Raph. That was disrespectful of them. You’ve got every right to be mad.” “Donnie. Seriously. It’s time for bed. Now. Right now.”

You were more weirded out by it than they were, to be honest. Apparently they had all been on this wavelength the entire time, and you were just the newest member. In turn they started making it more obvious when they were reading you.

    “Need help with that paper, (Y/N)?” “C’mon, let’s go punch out some of that stress in the dojo.” “Oh---you and Mike need---okay, I’ll warn the others.”

It felt like you were living in an entirely different world than before this whole thing started. Like there had been figures behind frosted glass before, and you had just opened the door and walked through.

You felt this the strongest six months afterwards when all five of you were in the living room playing Smash Bros Ultimate. You and Mikey were in your normal beanbag, positioned out of the way of the other three, who were on the couch. Again you were playing as Meta Knight, faced off against not only Kirby, but Link, Little Mac, and Samus as well. Despite being able to guess quite accurately all four of the others’ plans and moves, you still found yourself toe-to-toe with each of them, finally being blasted off the screen by Kirby, the announcer loudly stating “GAME!”

All four of the brothers cheered and high-fived Mikey, who got up and did a victory dance in front of you. You groaned and fell back, but barely, barely caught his eye---

There was that sparkle, his “I love you,” once an enigma, now plain as day. You relished in it, thinking back to the thousand times you shared that love before, and looking forwards to the thousand times you would again.

[douxreviews]

Cloak & Dagger - ‘Rabbit Hold’ Review

Ty: "How do you know how to do that?" Adina: "Some things you never forget."

Ty finally begins exploring his coolest power, thanks to Tandy's decision to enter him and have a look around.

Look, it's not as creepy as it sounds.

I know I mention this almost every week, but wow, this show really pulls off some beautiful visuals. The image of Tandy standing in front of the five mirrors, each one reflecting a different aspect of who she is, contrasted with the sharp darkness of the location, was a particularly striking shot. Honestly, just lovely.

Since the first announcement that they were going to be doing a Cloak and Dagger show, I've been waiting for the developments we got this week. Apologies in advance for this, as you really shouldn't have to be familiar with the source material in order to watch the show, but I think in this case it helps to have a little background.

In the comics, Cloak is basically a gateway to something that they refer to as 'The Dark Dimension.' In that dimension there's nothing but darkness, as you might have guessed from the name. Within that darkness is something they used to only refer to as 'the predator,' who is basically some sort of demon that feeds on the light that Dagger generates, but is also happy to chow down on the terror that people experience when they're absorbed into Cloak's cloak and are forced to relive all their fears. Dagger, meanwhile, generates that delicious light that the predator eats, but if she doesn't release it regularly enough she basically burns up from the excess energy.

That's the symbiosis that ties the two of them together, and the fact that their powers are completely dependent on one another if they aren't going to run out of control is one of the fundamental planks of their relationship.

It was nice, then, that even while the show was finally exploring Ty's big portal they were also underscoring the symbiotic nature of their powers. Tandy had to give up her light powers in order to 'proceed on the journey' through the dark dimension and find Brigid, and tangentially Connors. That, unfortunately, comes at an inconvenient time for Ty, since he's spending some quality time with his Mom attempting to not be killed by gang members.

The character development we get here as we explore Ty's relationship with his mother is fascinating. Adina is a timely depiction of the constant worry implicit in raising a child of color in today's America. Her worry and the actions it leads her to take all feel very real.

The two parallel journeys that Ty and Tandy take this week, him running from the gang and her finding her way through the dark dimension's shopping mall, bounce off each other well, culminating in what I suspect was the point of exercise, the deliberate contrasting of Ty telling his mother the story of human trafficking hundreds of years ago intercut with Mayhem relating to Tandy some harsh facts about human trafficking today.

The point that they're making is clear and well presented. Human trafficking is not a thing of the past. It's not a story from history. It's never gone away. The showrunners deserve a lot of praise for the way they approached the issue.

Meanwhile, in the dark dimension, we finally get an explanation for something that's been bothering me a lot so far this season. Namely, why Tandy has been so incredibly prone to victim blaming in her domestic abuse support group. It made sense that finding out that her idolized father was really an abuser would cause an emotional crisis for her, but that didn't really track with how angry she was at Mikayla for not leaving her abuser.

Now of course it makes sense. She didn't just find out that her father was an abuser. We see very clearly here that she knew all along. She chose to 'not see it,' as we see by her literally choosing to walk out the door to avoid hearing her mother being abused. Of course she's projecting anger toward victims who allow the abuse to continue. The visual metaphor of the memories as records still in their shrink wrap was an inspired choice. Well done.

Lastly, and again I know I say this a lot here, but they continue their proud tradition of making changes from the source material that make everything better and stronger. I mentioned above the predator that lives inside Cloak in the comics. Here they've updated that, and very wisely used the move to New Orleans to justify replacing the predator with Papa Legba, who apparently greets all those who enter the dark dimension and guides them on their business. That just works, on every level. Instead of 'scary thing in the dark' we have 'mysterious guide' and there's a lot more story to be mined out of 'mysterious guide.'

Papa Legba is one of the Loa in Vodoun, and is one of those crossroads deities who's heavy into guiding destinies. That's a perfect fit for this context.

Bits and Pieces:

-- Ty's parents have separated, which explains why we haven't seen much of Otis. That's sad, but not at all unrealistic for a couple that loses a child. Two children, in their case. I wonder if the actor was busy, or if they just wanted to focus the story on Adina.

-- Speaking of Adina, she's startlingly adept at hotwiring cars and avoiding the police. I suddenly have a million questions about Ty's mom.

-- Starting with, what has she been investigating exactly. and does it tie into why she was apparently pressured into preventing an investigation into the girls' disappearances last week?

-- Both American Gods and Cloak and Dagger heavily featured empty shopping malls this week. 14-year-old me in 1986 sighed deeply, inside.

-- The special effect of Ty opening up his portal to the dark dimension was done better than I ever dared hope it would be in live action. Now please throw a cloak into the mix and I'll be happy forever.

-- Ty and Tandy said that Ty was able to open his portal because he was scared, but I bet it was more to do with the presence of Tandy's light.

-- Connors is out of the dark dimension now and ready to cause more trouble. We didn't see Mayhem in the last scene, but it feels safe to assume that she's out too, right?

-- Sadly, most places in the US do still treat victims of human trafficking as criminals and prosecute them for prostitution.

-- I've been meaning to ask this the last couple of weeks – so, does Brigid only have half a soul now? Is Mayhem like a horcrux? If you killed one, I assume the other wouldn't die, based on what happened to the mice.

-- Tandy threw light knives! That makes me geek out every time.

-- I really want one of those Cloak and Dagger icon coins.

-- I don't buy that the gang would just turn around and leave without killing Ty and his mom first. I do however believe that the police would come in shooting for an unarmed black teenager in Ty's position.

Quotes:

Tandy: "You saw what they were doing to those girls." Ty: "Yeah, and I also saw what she did to everything in her path."

Tandy: "Why didn’t you tell me about Connors?" Ty: "We were in the middle of saving the world at the time."

Papa Legba: "I’ve seen blood. And a green jacket. It was worn by half a woman."

Tandy: "You look exactly like her." Mayhem: "Why not ‘she looks exactly like you’?"

Tandy: "Sometimes the status quo is OK." Mayhem: "And sometimes girls are stolen and sold into slavery. Oh wait, that’s all the time."

Ty: "Nobody’s gonna come in here." Mom: "Why not?" Ty: "Because it’s haunted by 300 year old vampire nuns."

Adina: "Son." Gang Scout: "I’m not your son." Adina: "You’re somebody’s son."

A solid episode that pushed a lot of my fannish buttons and turned up the heat on the season-long plot.

Three and a half out of four voodoo tours.

Mikey Heinrich is, among other things, a freelance writer, volunteer firefighter, and roughly 78% water.

[itoshit]

I think I've never been that ready to break some skulls before. I took more weapons than usual, having two on my hips, two others on my thighs and finally, two again in my shoulder straps. I've never been a huge fan of knives, but still got one joining the strap on my leg.

Ran and Rindou were ready, Ran still had his unfamous baton. The others, Kakucho, Koko, Sanzu and Akashi, had guns like I did, ready to pull them out if needed.

Looking over Dante and his men, I noticed the same thing. But one of them looked particularly heavily armed.

Hey Dante, he's your sniper isn't he?

Yeah, we always bring one with us, someone who could change the course of our lives from afar. Also Manjiro, if I can call you that?

Nodding, I got inside the van, him sitting by my side.

Perfecto then. La Cosa Nostra bases its values and morals on their allies. Back in Osaka, I didn't intend to kill you nor severely hurt you. I hope it didn't bring too many inconveniences yeah?

Nothing I'm not used to. But I appreciate your help and concern though

Did you change your hair for your girl?

Cocking an eyebrow at him, I stayed silent.

My girl?

She is, isn't it? Look, I wanted to talk to you last time but I needed to check your strength before. We have minutes ahead so listen to me. In our family (note: the term family refers to the mafia here), women play an important role, and I'm not talking about their pussy. In La Cosa Nostra, we're not ashamed of parading with our girls, our wives. Some of us even have children, like me. I don't understand since when being with a woman in the underground scene made you look weak. Women give you strength, something to fight for. I don't know you very much, but I know how to spot an enamoured man. You're deep into it Manjiro. We have nothing but genuine intentions with Bonten, and we want our allies to be healthy and happy. If I could give you a piece of advice, when your girl will be freed, and I'm saying your girl because she's not a bitch or an animal, tell her how you feel. Life is short as the falling of snow, you could die tomorrow. Don't live with regrets buddy, that's the worst, trust me. Cherish the moments you've with her alright?

After his monologue, Dante smiled cheekily at me, patting my thigh. He wasn't wrong, I knew that. I knew that I'd feelings for Vee, but I was afraid she didn't. I let her enter my life and warm my heart of stone, and it could seem selfish but I didn't want to let her go, never.

You don't have to he ashamed of having feelings for a woman, or a man if that mattered. Partners influence our decisions on a daily basis, and without women in La Cosa Nostra, let me tell you, it would be a mess. They keep us on tracks, scold us when needed. My wife, showing me his ring right after, is my everything. She keeps me sane, Manjiro.

My men were in the other cars and only Dante and I, except our driver, were here.

I don't want to bring her in this life, she doesn't need more-

Sorry to break it to you buddy, but she's already deep enough. Her face is all over the news, you must have seen that yeah? Nodding at him, I kept my gaze on the window.

Then you know, the best thing you can do now is protect her from your world, by staying by her side. That way, these events won't occur ever again. The Yamaguchi-gumi is pulling a nasty move right now. Ones of our few rules are; never look at friends wives; respect wives. The Yamaguchi-gumi disregarded all of them.

Venus isn't my wife.

But you want her to be yours don't you?

Silence settling between us, I tried to imagine myself with her, having a future together.

Do you see a future with her ?

... yes

Here you go. When she'll be saved, you'll have to present her to me, the kitten seems feisty enough to make you go crazy for her

Smiling a bit at his words, I took a decision. As soon as this shit is over, Vee will move in with me. Officially this time. And I won't prevent her from having her life, I'll give her the freedom she wants and needs.

My phone vibrating into my pocket, I took it out. Vee?

But what I heard after made my blood boil. She was screaming, begging me to come and save her. Eyes opened wide at the sound playing in the car, I gripped the phone tightlty, breaking it in the process. Gritting my teeth, I lowered my face down, nails tearing the skin of my palms open.

I'm gonna kill them all, I swear to god, these bastards will regret the day they were born.

Dante's hand on my shoulder, I turned to him.

We'll get them. No one touches our wives, remember? You even dyed your hair to please her. They'll pay for it, no worries Manjiro.

And that's precisely when we arrived. Opening the van's door, I was met with my executives. Ran and Sanzu had a wicked smile on their faces. These two will probably have fun.

Destroy them. I don't want any of them alive at the end of the day. I don't fucking care how you process, break their neck, pierce their eyes, rip their bodies apart or burn them to hell, I want blood. Understood?

And as I gave them my orders, they bowed.

Your wish is our command, boss.

-Mikey

I've changed the presentation, it's easier to understand that way 😌

it’s so nice!

The pain had me passing out, waking up only from the slaps my torturer, who so generously told me to call him Koda gave me. I’d wake up, see the handle of the knife sticking out of my bloody, trembling thigh, get woozy and faint.

This time when I woke up, I didn’t even get to follow the routine established between us because Koda was in my face, gripping my cheeks roughly. It hurt from all his prior roughness, his finger edging closely to the lip he had split. C’mon, Vee. You know I don’t want to hurt you. Just tell me what you know. I’ll even let you go.

I knew nothing, just like I told him every time he asked, but since he wanted a different reaction, I’d give it to him. Nodding my head, I watched his face slack into a grin as he let mine go, granting me free rein to speak and move my head. The first thing I did with it was cock my head far back and send it slamming into his own, head butting the shit out of him. The impact made my vision blur for a bit, but the sickening crack I heard made it all worth it.

Venus, I corrected, spitting blood onto his now-bleeding nose. I might have broken it. It’s Venus to you, you piece of shit.

You stupid bi— Gunshots. An entire slew of them. Natalie burst into the room, body slick with sweat, eyes wide and nervous.

They’re here! Bonten’s here! My heart leaped. Mikey? They found out about our hideout much earlier than we expected them to! The sound of rapid fire rounds echoed around us, each one sounding closer than the last. If they kept that up, they’d be in this room in no time. The thought of Mikey raining hell down on their skulls made me much happier than I thought it would. They deserved it. I hope they got it. My cackle, sudden and wheezy, startled both Nat and Koda.

I stared Natalie dead in my eyes as I calmed down. You should run, I advised her. She had endangered my life twice, and although I would probably have little say in what happens to her now—she’d burnt too many bridges; Mikey wouldn’t hesitate to put a hole in her skull— so the least I could give her was a head start. You might be able to get out of here if you run now, because if Mikey gets his hands on you… I don’t even allow myself the pleasure of blinking as I speak, wanting my words to resonate deeply with her. So much so that even if she survived, she’d see my face. He will kill you, and I won’t be able to stop him. And you know the worst part, Nat? I don’t think I’ll want to.

The fear in her eyes was palpable like it was that day in the hideout, but I had no sympathy left to offer her. I also could have told her what Koda told me, let her know she’d done this all in vain, but I didn’t, allowing her to walk out of the door and my life for what just might be the very last time.

So, Koda, I turned my head back to look at him pacing. What’s the move? You gonna run too?

Somebody else came flying through the room as I asked him, an underling of his perhaps, yelling the same question I had just asked him in more or less words and a much louder volume. They’re coming, Koda! We have to go!

A certain bang made even me jump. It sounded like it was just around the corner from us.

What’re you gonna do, Koda?

I’m gonna fucking kill you, he snarled, putting the cold nozzle of a gun he yanked from his pocket to my head.

I tried to hide my dread with fearlessness. I don’t mind that, you’ll be coming to keep me company wherever I end up in five minutes. Maybe less.

I could hear the gun clicking as he turned off the safety, eyes level with me. I was about to die, and the funniest part was I wasn’t afraid. Perhaps I knew deep down that even if I did, I’d be avenged. That nobody who tortured me or sought to hurt me would leave this place with their lives or their limbs perfectly in tact. I don’t know what kind of person that made me, but with this gun to my brain, I don’t think I’d have much time to ponder it.

Mikey flashed in my head, my last memories with him. I didn’t even get to kiss him goodbye. I’d have to add that to my never ending list of regrets, not telling him how much he had come to mean to me in such a short time. That he mattered, that he wasn’t cursed. That he deserved to be happy.

A small smile came across my face as our memories played out in my mind. We had come so far, and I was proud of it. If it all came down to it, I lived an overall good life with some really big lows. Pretty alright for me.

Kill them, Manji, is the last wish I made to myself mentally, making sure it got out before my brain matter was splattered across the wall. Kill them all.

[gigsoupmusic]

Video director Ashley Jones on promo production under lockdown

Ashley Jones moved to London from his native Wales to make it as a musician, but it was as video producer that he would make his mark.  He's been responsible for 50-odd promos for many of the underground music scene's finest, from William D Drake of his childhood cult heroes Cardiacs to Hurtling and Stephen EvEns. Lockdown may have put paid to many a musical plan but it it's not stopped Jones from staying busy, switching - with the aid of his children - to animation and capturing clips using his phone.   Here, he tells us of what got him started, what he's proudest of and what he'd like to do next, if and when life ever returns to normal. Hi Ashley,  how are you coping in the lockdown?  We’ve seen some quite impressive pictures of your new beard on social media…. As a family we’ve coped remarkably well.  We’re lucky to have a garden and we get on annoyingly well.   However, I am now more beard than man and I have no real exit strategy. Your love of rare and fine whisky is also well documented on your channels – we hope you’re not overdoing it! Four years ago I setmyself the goal of becoming a whisky bore in six weeks.  I dramatically overshot.  In 2018, Sue (the bionic Chaos Engineer who works with me on most projects) and I went on a trip to Islay, the Hebridean home of peated whisky.  It was like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and I was Augustus Gloop. Making music videos must be difficult in these circumstances.  But we see you’ve managed to produce one for ‘Dustbin Man’  by Stephen EvEns that has surfaced recently.  It’s a mixture of animation and performance, tell us about the process. I normally have a set of rules that I follow when I am making videos.  Lockdown has meant I have had to temporarily abandon some of those. We had been discussing ‘Dustbin Man’ for a while prior to Lockdown.   The song is so relevant to these times that I felt we really should get the video done. https://youtu.be/WpymrHhq85o It crossed my mind that an animation could work.  Apart from anything, animation frees you to use sets and locations that are otherwise unavailable.  We had always wanted to have (singer/guitarist) Stuffy in these scenes and animation allowed us to do this. I did some sketches and created an animatic to show how the video would work. https://youtu.be/2LGOTzENsrE I often shoot little demo videos when I have an idea in mind.  I knew Stuffy would have a phone but not much other video kit.  So I shot my own demo using natural light and my phone to check that the approach and look would work. https://youtu.be/_AYB04WEZug Stuffy did a brilliant job of filming himself which made my life so much easier when I was putting him into the scenes. I got my daughter, Seren, to turn my drawings into images I could animate.  My son, Bryn, is also into animation and I asked him to provide the walk cycles for the binmen. I had booked a week off from my day job to go on holiday to Scotland (obviously) in the first week of April.  Obviously, we couldn’t go so I spent that week in front of the computer working on the video.  I love the moment when things start to coalesce from a bunch of bits into a coherent whole. Stuffy and I chatted using Facebook’s video calling so that we were able to bounce ideas around.  But it was pretty quick given the nature of the work.  It’s a great song, and “Employee of the Month” is a great album. I did the gatefold photo for the album artwork and I was thrilled to receive a copy of the LP last week.  I am hugely proud to be a part of it. You’ve got another animation – or at least part animation – in the pipeline with Micko & The Mellotronics’ ‘Psychedelic Shirt’.  Without too many spoilers, tell us about what’s involved. Micko and I have worked together several times now.  We were initially introduced by Mikey Georgeson from David Devant & His Spirit Wife.  The first time we met was in a pub in Kentish Town where we talked about our common love of Florian Schneider and Gibson Les Pauls. Micko is very much a storyteller and he has a strong commitment to narrative.  We are working with an artist to create the artwork for the video and I am going to be using some new tools to create the animation.  I am hoping this will make the animation more dynamic and musical.  I am still working on the animatic; working with a defined narrative makes this phase a bit more work, but I think it’s going to pay off. You seem to strike up relationships with certain artists and work on a series of promos.  That must give you a certain freedom to experiment…. I’m not in it for the money.  Thank God.  There are two things I love about making music videos.  Firstly, the initial conversations about what the video is going to be.  Some of my videos have been 100% my idea.  Some have been (nearly) 100% the artist’s.  My favourite ones are the 50/50 ones where we thrash ideas around in a pub or café.  Preferably the former. The other thing I relish is the problem solving during the filming and editing:  “How am I going to make this happen?”  I love those moments when the seemingly impossible becomes reality. Tell us a bit about yourself – your background, first musical loves and what made you pick up a camera. Short version:  Moved to London to play in a band.  Never quite made it.  Got my first real camera when my kids were little and mainly took pictures of them. Musical loves:  Early Adam and the Ants, Sex Pistols, early Human League, Fad Gadget, Kraftwerk.  The centre of my musical universe since about 1989 is Cardiacs.  Everything stems from there since then. We know you also work as a photographer – which came first? I made some music videos for my own band in the late 90s.  From around 2010 I started taking photos at gigs; I’d also done some studio photography with my brother-in-law, Lann.  We started using “The Chaos Engineers” name back then for the studio work. But I got into making music videos all because of one evening.  Roastfest was a gig put on by Kavus Torabi’s “Believer’s Roast” label at the Camden Unicorn on November 12, 2011. I took photos of almost everyone playing.  One of the bands was ThumperMonkey.  They liked the photos and I offered to do a studio shoot for them.  We did that shoot and it went well.  Michael Woodman, the lead singer and guitarist, is also very interested in film-making.  Mike had offered to make a video for Knifeworld, Kavus’s band.  He asked if I would like to be involved and nothing was ever the same after that.  I have worked with pretty much everyone who played at Roastfest at some point.  Mike is a hugely talented man and someone with whom I love working. Any videos you remember seeing that made you think ‘I want to do that!’? Cardiacs' “Tarred and Feathered” was shot by the people who made The Tube but it was my great audio-visual epiphany.  My sister remembers me seeing it when it was live on telly and it immediately and permanently blew my mind. https://youtu.be/NVjSycDJatc Tim Smith is a brilliant video director as well as my favourite music maker.  I have to use that broad term because he does it all. I love Anton Corbijn’s photography and videos.  I also think that Bjork’s videos are astonishing.  I mentioned my rules earlier.  One of these is that the artist has to be at the heart of the video.  Madness wrote the book when it comes to “video as vehicle to define the band’s identity”.  I want my videos to showcase the artist – because that’s what all my favourite videos do. What was the first promo you shot?  Any memories? The first one I worked on was for Thumpermonkey’s “Wheezy Boy” which Mike Woodman directed and edited.  All my footage was overexposed, but Mike never complained.  I remember being stunned by how brilliant the actors were.  I have only worked with actors a few times; that was the first. Tell us a bit about who else you’ve worked with…   I was a huge Stump fan in the 80s and am extremely proud of the video for “Rubberised” that I did for Prescott, Kev Hopper’s band.  I think it’s the most technically innovative thing I have done. Looking at my YouTube playlist, I am shocked to learn that I have made more than fifty videos. I’ve loved pretty much all the songs and artists I have worked with:   Hurtling, Simon Love, Knifeworld, Awooga, The Fierce And The Dead, Arch Garrison and Cesarians. I have also collaborated heavily with the brilliant Richard Larcombe on his Lost Crowns project. You’ve worked with William D Drake I believe….  Are you part of the Cardiacs fan cult or was this strange world new to you? I really am part of the cult.   I have compered at the last two Alphabet Business Conventions.  Which means I talk in a loud voice before the bands come on and quietly stand next to Tim Smith at the side of the stage for most of the show. They played Distant Buzzing on a big screen at the ABC months before it was released and it was my most “goosebumps” moment when it was shown.  Hugely exciting. I saw Cardiacs loads of times and still miss the transcendental experience of throwing my hands in the air to the strains of Big Ship. I also love Bill’s work and my personal favourite Cardiacs material is the stuff from Bill’s time in the band. You’ve also shot with a few well known comic actors – Kevin Eldon, Paul Putner, Suzy Kane….    That must have been fun. Micko has an amazing capacity for getting great people to work with him.  So it’s flattering that he also works with me.  Kevin, Paul and Suzy were all delightful to work with and it’s been fantastic to have the chance. https://youtu.be/_5iswf8GG6o When we shot Schmescos with Kevin, Micko’s brother, Hollywood director Wash Westmoreland, was standing next to me.  Wash was also utterly charming.  It was an amazing few hours and I felt like pinching myself.  I still do. You have a penchant for the Hitchcock-style cameo too – is that a deal breaker?! I have tried to get myself in lots of the videos.  My kids particularly like my cameo in Distant Buzzing.  I am there at 3:05.  I’d like to be in all of them but sometimes I forget because I am so busy on shoot days. Any other highlights of your career we’ve missed out – It was fantastic to be at RAK studios in November when The Spammed recorded their version of Get It On.  It was six weeks before Neil Innes’s sad passing and it was wonderful to meet such a kind, talented and funny man.  I took mostly candid stills of conversations between the band and the also-amazing Tony Visconti.  Again – I was pinching myself for weeks. Finally, if you could pick one artist alive or dead you wish you could or could have worked with, who would it be? I would love to have worked with Fad Gadget/Frank Tovey.  I met him – and this sounds like a pattern – six weeks before he died.  I love his work and would love to have worked with him.  And always, always, always Cardiacs’ Tim Smith.  But I don’t know what I would bring to the party with Tim because he does everything so brilliantly himself.

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[waynebomberger]

Eat Up: The Best Restaurants in Nashville, According to Me

Many of you are probably coming to Nashville soon for the NFL draft, or maybe CMA Fest or a bachelorette weekend or another excuse for a long-weekend getaway. No matter how you’re experiencing Music City, you must make time to eat your way through it—the food scene is absolutely on fire, and some of the best restaurants in Nashville are also the best in the country.

The restaurant scene is so dynamic, in fact, that many have closed already before I even had a chance to write them up (R.I.P. Kuchnia & Keller, I hardly knew thee, though I loved what little I saw—and tasted). It’s harder than ever to be a restaurant in Nashville and make it long-term, so kudos to those chefs who are killing it.

Looking for where to eat? Nashville has so many good restaurants, it can be hard to decide which one is your best bet. So I broke it down by occasion in hopes of solving all your Music City dining woes.



For a one-of-a-kind experience: Tailor Nashville

For years, Vivek Surti was Nashville’s most famous chef without a restaurant. He worked for the wine auction, he ran VEA Supper Club on the side, and he cooked for just about everyone around town who would ask him. He’s a phenomenal chef who fuses his Indian heritage with other South Asian cuisine for a mashup of tasty dishes unlike any other. All of Nashville rejoiced when he finally bit the bullet and opened up Tailor Nashville, a dining club-type experience in Germantown, with partner Heather Southerland at the end of last year. The eight- to 10-course menu rotates seasonally and features a snack, vegetable, fish or meat, rice dish and a dessert for $60, which does not include sales tax and gratuity. Drink pairings are an additional charge, which I highly recommend. There are only 35 seats available at 6pm and 8:30pm on Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday, so if you’re coming from out of town, make sure you make a reservation well in advance.

For any occasion: The Farm House

I’ve professed my love for Chef Trey Cioccia’s winning combination of atmosphere and contemporary Southern fare on the blog before, but every time I go back, his ever-changing menu impresses me even more. Pork belly pop-tarts? Pimento cheese beignets? Gnudi of the day? Forget about it! Just give me one of everything, please. On top of dinner six nights a week, TFH serves lunch from Tuesday through Friday and brunch on Sunday.

For your new neighborhood hang: Hathorne

I was a huge fan of John Stephenson’s all the years he was at the helm at Fido, then I followed his food to the Family Wash (R.I.P.), so I was really excited when he debuted Hathorne on Charlotte Avenue last winter. There’s so much to love about Hathorne, from the design that incorporates pews recovered from the church next door to the plates of shaved Brussels, pork pierogis, roasted heirloom carrots and grilled acorn squash that are meant to be shared. Hathorne has a daily happy hour from 5 to 6:30pm, then a “joyful hour” from 10 to 11:30pm, staying true to its mission to bring in the neighborhood locals.

To impress an out-of-towner: Pinewood Social

If you haven’t heard of this restaurant-meets-bar-meets-swimming pool-meets karaoke joint-meets bowling alley-meets cafe, you’ve been living under a rock (or else not reading C&C … or Vogue … or Esquire … or any of the hundreds of publications that have featured it in the handful of years since Pinewood’s inception). The drinks are stellar, the food is great, and the atmosphere is on point—what more could you ask for out of a dining experience?

When you’re feeling indulgent: Biscuit Love Brunch

There’s no nicer couple in town than Karl and Sarah Worley, and it doesn’t hurt that they also have the game-changing recipe for the best biscuits in Nashville. After two years of dominating the food truck market, this dynamic duo launched their own brick-and-mortar in 2015, open seven days a week from 7am to 3pm. There’s never not a line, so you’re better off going on a weekday if you can. Just know: It’s worth every second you wait. Also know: You should order the Lily while your friend has the East Nasty, which was named as one of Bon Appetit’s favorite sandwiches in the country a couple years back. Or have your savory but order a plate of bonuts for the table. If you’re not feeling biscuits, there are plenty of other options on the menu, like the Lindstrom, a seriously decadent shaved Brussels sprouts salad. Want to feel cool? Order the “Nasty Princess” (a mash-up of the Princess and East Nasty) off-menu. Pro tip: Biscuit Love has another location in Hillsboro Village that is often less packed during peak meal times. There’s also a third outpost down in Franklin.

For Sunday Supper: City House

City House is a must-eat any night of the week but it’s especially good each Sunday night when the menu rotates to include even more creative pizza and pasta dishes (I still remember an apple, onion and chili pie I had years ago). You’ll need a reservation to get into Sunday Supper, though you can always nab a seat at the bar if you forgot to call a couple weeks in advance. Note: City House is great for small groups, but can be really loud and not ideal for a first (or second or third…) date. The belly ham pie with a cracked egg on top never goes out of style.

When you’re downtown for lunch: Liberty Common

The fist thing that will catch your eye is just how downright dreamy the interior of Liberty Common is. On my inaugural visit here, I was dining alone and working from the bar, but I couldn’t stop creeping around taking photos of the design. It’s just so damn pleasant. And it boasts murals from one of our favorite artists Tara Aversa, the visionary behind the Manchester Magnolia, too. The food itself is very Parisian bistro style, and the drinks follow form. Traditionally, Nashville didn’t have a lot of great downtown restaurants, particularly ones that cater to the business crowd, so I’m pleased as punch that Liberty Common has joined the fray.

For a stylish diner vibe: The Mockingbird

The tagline says it all: “modern dinner, global fare.” The menu at the Mockingbird is all over the place, which is precisely why I like going there. It’s the kind of restaurant you can dine at with friends who all have very different culinary preferences, whether you want a corned seitan veggie reuben and your bestie is dying for a chicken pot pie. It’s comfort food at its finest, in a very stylish space (and I love that all the food is served on mismatched plates procured from antiques stores). If you have a chance to chat with owners Brian Riggenbach and Mikey Corona, take it—they’re both a riot. And don’t leave without ordering a platter of cookies served in a birdcage.

When you’re in the mood for Italian: Nicky’s Coal Fired

I first met Tony and Caroline Galzin when they were at Fifty-First Kitchen and were instant fans. Not only are the Chicago transplants great people, but they bring a different kind of culinary pizzazz to the Nashville restaurant scene. When they opened up Nicky’s Coal Fired in the Nations a couple years back, they were one of the only restaurants in the area; now, the neighborhood is positively booming, and their seats are packed with those flocking to taste the artisan pizzas fired up in their four-ton, coal-fired oven named “Enrico.” Nicky’s also has a selection of antipasti and seafood dishes, though I usually order one of the seasonal pasta dishes to start and share a thin-crust pie or two with friends as my main. The cocktail menu is on point, and there are always a selection of spritzes from which to choose.

For a classy business affair: Etch

This downtown spot is the brainchild of culinary master Deb Paquette, who whips up inventive fare, such as an octopus and shrimp bruschetta or a cauliflower steak. Deb has led the charge on Nashville’s food evolution and now has Char and Etc. in Green Hills, as well. It’s also one of my very favorites in town—and I’m not just saying it because my college roommate is the ace pastry chef (proud friend alert)! Just ask Zagat or a number of any other ratings guides: Etch is la creme de la creme, whether for lunch or dinner. The cauliflower appetizer is a must-do anytime of day, and my regular lunch order is the creamy, oh-so-tasty Thai Chicken & Quinoa. And tasting your way through the dessert menu, created by my former roommate Megan Williams, is a must-do, so be sure and save room in your stomach!

For the best Indian street food: Chaatable

Maneet Chauhan is a ball of sassy energy, and that energy could not be more apparent than in her latest concept Chaatable, which channels an Indian street market in all its colorful glory and dreamy Indian bites with punny names like the O.M.Ghee, This Spuds For You, Puff Puff Pass and the Go Shorty. She also collected thousands of Indian bangles to build a bangle wall, which serves as the perfect greeting (and so very Maneet, too) when diners walk in. Pro tip: Don’t leave without ordering one (or three) Pani ‘Rita, the tamarind margarita that is currently one of my favorite drinks in Nashville.

To satiate your sweet tooth: Jeni’s Splendid Ice Creams

Have I gotten the point across yet? I LOVE JENI’S ICE CREAM. And now that there are multiple locations in Nashville, my waistline is in immediate danger. I finally met Jeni Britton Bauer at the opening of her Hillsboro Village store—dangerously close to where I live—and had a major fangirl moment. I’ve tried about every flavor she makes, and while you can’t go wrong, the combo of salty caramel and brown butter almond brittle is always my favorite.

For breakfast/lunch/dinner any day of the week: Fido

The sweet potato waffle can’t be beat, but neither can the burger, or the coffee for that matter. Basically, all you need to know is that Fido is as good as they come, and if you find yourself hungry in Hillsboro Village no matter the time of day, you can pop in and fulfill your craving, no matter what that may be. Then head across the street to Jeni’s for dessert or next door to Hot & Cold for a Las Paletas pop, and all will be right with the world!

For the best $200 you’ve ever spent: Catbird Seat

Before I ate there, I wondered just how any meal could be worth $200 (note: that price does include pairings). Well, let’s just say, I would have paid double that for the feast we had at our inaugural Catbird experience last spring! The restaurant itself is very no-frills, which means the focus is entirely on the food and whatever the chef and his team are whipping up that night. Reservations open up exactly 30 days in advance, and as there are only two seatings of 20 people Wednesday through Sunday, you better get on that if you want to indulge in this sinful experience.

For your green juice fix: Juice Bar

Like every other city in America, Nashville has experienced a boom in juice spots. I do several juice cleanses a year and have yet to find one I like as much as the Juice Bar, which now has multiple locations in Nashville and Williamson County. My go-to location is the Germantown one, as street parking is easy during the day. I also frequent the Juice Bar in Berry Hill, but often there’s nowhere to park (#NashvilleProblems).

For a menu you’ll have to Google: Rolf & Daughters

You won’t understand half the ingredients on the menu, but that’s half the fun. People bemoan the service (or lack thereof) at Rolf—it’s a hipster hangout first and foremost—so know before you go. But that’s never deterred me from heading to RAD when the urge strikes. And if it’s a nice evening, arrive early and claim a spot on the patio, which is first-come, first-served.

For a community experience: Josephine

This 12South hotspot debuted at the tail end of 2013 to much excitement, but its new 10-course X|X: Josephine experience really helped keep it relevant. Each Friday and Saturday night at 8pm, 10 lucky diners take the table as they are served a steady stream of 10 dishes on a long 2-by-10 wooden board, each  presented by theme (e.g., snacks, asparagus, spring, pretzel, morel mushroom, scallop, pork belly). Better yet, the meal is just $90 with an optional $55 for six beverage pairings, an absolute steal for as much food and drink as that gets you. Just be sure and make reservations, as with just 10 spots at the table, they go quickly!

For bad-ass BBQ and bushwhackers: Edley’s

BBQ purists may call it too trendy, but I don’t care. I LOVE this BBQ joint that now boasts three locations locally, one in Chattanooga and one in Kentucky. The Tuck forever gets my order, and even though I nearly died from bushwhacker consumption a few years ago (don’t ask), I can’t stay away. Love nachos? Can’t go wrong with BBQ nachos, topped with a heaping pile of pulled pork.

When you’re looking to eat on Braodway: Acme Feed & Seed

The walk-up counter on Acme’s ground floor is always a safe option if you’re out on Broadway midday or into the evening and looking to grab a quick bite among a sea of trashy country music star-backed options (though I do like the food at Whiskey Row if we’re being honest).

For a drink on the go: Bajo Sexto

A cocktail I can carry around downtown with me? Don’t mind if I do! Jonathan Waxman’s first Nashville endeavor has authentic Mexican food and delicious drinks, like the bourbon horchata, and it’s conveniently located between the Omni, the Music City Center and the Country Music Hall of Fame, so perfect for those of you staying downtown.

For all. the. meat: Martin’s BBQ

Pat Martin has become legendary in Nashville with his huge of the whole hog and his ever-expanding empire. He’s now got three locations in the Nashville area, as well as has expanded to neighboring states, too. My favorite of his many spots is the downtown outpost with its 13,000 square feet of space for dining, lounging, drinking beer and playing games with your buds.

For beer with a side of tacos: Butchertown Hall

Butchertown Hall is dangerously close to my Nashville yoga studio, and it’s open all afternoon long, something I struggle with in Nashville with weird hours and so many places closed from 2 to 5pm. So it’s become my go-to spot post-yoga when I’m getting a late lunch or drinks with friends. The street tacos are bomb, and the beer selection is mighty. The clean design and so much natural light only makes you want to camp out here for hoursi. On warmer nights, Butchertown’s lovely side patio is perfect for sipping saison after saison.

For the celebrity chef experience: Chauhan House

Every time I’m feeling indulgent and wanting all the curry, I head straight for Chauhan Ale & Masala House, Maneet Chauhan’s first of four concepts to open in Nashville. I particularly love it for lunch, a time of day when I feel like Nashville dining options aren’t abundant. The lunch items may be heavy, but man is that meat-and-three worth it (though I often oscillate between the thali and the chicken tikka masala—both are oh so good). Weekend brunch is also the prime occasion to make a ressie for Chauhan. I crave that Stop Monkeying Around always, and the What Came First, the Chicken or the Egg? is divine.

For a meal in a coffee shop: Frothy Monkey

Frothy Monkey is the coffee shop empire in Nashville, and yet people often overlook them as an option for meals, which is insane as their food is oh-so-good and runs the gamut of sandwiches, salads, soups and heartier entrees. The Nations location has become one of my lunchtime go-tos when I’m meeting a friend for coffee with a side of food. Looking to start your evening somewhere? Consider going to Frothy for Wine Down Wednesday with three pours of wine (or six beer tasters) and snacks for the bargain deal of $15.

For brunch without a wait: Saint Anejo

There’s hot chocolate French toast, there’s chicken and waffles with jalapeno syrup, and there’s a horchata French toast. I say order them all. Also a winning factor? Two-for-one cocktails every single weekend day. Done.

For old Hollywood glam: Sinema

Sinema debuted in the summer of 2014 to become one of the pricier joints in town. It’s definitely a special occasion type of place, but even if you aren’t in the mood to spend $35 in a plate, it’s worth grabbing drinks in the upstairs lounge and popping into the bathroom for a #SinemaSelfie.

For the best chocolate in town: Goo Goo Cluster

I’ve often sung the praises of Nashville’s own century-old candy company but the new chef series, in which they roll out a different Premium Goo Goo every week or two, has me stopping by the downtown shop more often than not to see what these culinary masterminds have whipped up on any given week.

For a true taste of Nashville: The Farmers’ Market

The Nashville Farmers’ Market is open every day of the week and boasts dozens of purveyors of local food and products, from Music City Crepes to Batch. It’s always bustling, and it’s always good. If you need a lunch spot that’s guaranteed to fill you up and leave you satisfy, this one’s for you, and you’ll be surrounded by actual Nashvillians who break from the office to eat here daily.

For a bit of everything rolled into one: Walk Eat Nashville

In Nashville for a short time and don’t have the chance to try it all? Book a spot with Karen-Lee Ryan’s Walk Eat Nashville, and I guarantee you will get the highlights reel in your informative and tasty, three-hour walking tour of East Nashville, SoBro or Midtown.

For pizza, pizza: Five Points Pizza

Nashville used to have hardly any pizza options, and now it’s got several. Five Points Pizza, with a location in East Nashville and one off of Charlotte is by far my favorite. You can order whole pies or from a select menu of pizza by the slice. I often get carryout from the right side of the restaurant, though if it’s not packed and you feel like a brew, settle in at a booth on the left side and enjoy the craft beer selection.

For dinner with a side of champagne: Geist

Germantown is the neighborhood in which I spend the most time, and I was happy when Geist joined the fray back in 2018. One of my favorite mixologists Freddie Schwenk heads up the bar which is set in an old 1900 blacksmith shop, and I often just order “whatever Freddie is feeling today.” I don’t drink a lot of bubbles, but even I can’t deny the attraction of the Champagne Garden, with its champs served outside in a full outdoor garden and courtyard; there’s even the option to saber a bottle if you’re feeling frisky. On the food front, Geist has a small selection of sharable veggie plates, starters (may I recommend the bacon jam and baked brie?), and entrees like salmon, scallops and cavatelli. If the key lime pie is on the menu, you must order it—it poses as a real lime, but is actually pie inside when you crack it open. A true work of art!

For dinner with a dose of history: Woolworth on 5th

The most interesting thing to be about Woolworth is not the food—though, don’t get me wrong, it’s great, too—but the fact that this historic building was the site of many sit-ins during the Civil Rights Movement, and that the owners decided to keep all of those scuff marks intact as a reminder of the turmoil this city (and the South as a whole) went through not that long ago. The Art Deco-y Woolworth on 5th is a great spot for a work lunch as it’s right downtown in Nashville’s version of a financial district, but it’s also a good spot for a pre-show dinner with TPAC right around the corner. Expect Southern fare like fried green tomatoes, fried chicken, and shrimp and grits.

For the best damn rabbit rolls in town: Black Rabbit

Rabbit rolls may seem like a weird thing to be obsessed with, but that’s likely because you haven’t been to Black Rabbit, a chic, 1920s-inspired lounge on the cusp of Printers Alley that will offer small plates, creative craft cocktails and live piano music on any night of the week. With Kathy Anderson behind the design, Black Rabbit’s ambiance is built around the old wood floors and exposed brick walls leftover from the late 1800s and utilizes velvet sofa, leather lounge chairs and plush booths for seating. The wooded chef’s island provides prime seating for those keen on studying the talents of this passionate team of chefs, who will be cooking up various canapes like butterfolds, squab rillettes, rabbit spam sliders, twice-baked patatas bravas, roasted oysters and pickled shrimp. This swanky cocktail lounge off of 2nd Avenue is a much elevated breath of fresh air for downtown with an expansive whiskey collection and a cocktail menu that reads like a tome. Don’t overlook it as a dinner spot, though; you’d be remiss to pass on Chefs Trey and Chad’s elevated fare.

For sushi and other Asian fusion: Sunda

Chef-owner Billy Dec brought his popular new Asian concept from Chicago and opened a Nashville location, as well, last summer. There aren’t a lot of places that will get me to the Gulch anymore—it’s way too hip and far too crowded for this simpleton—but Sunda will do just that. Not only is the interior large, roomy and chic, but the menu boasts dim sum, sushi, nigiri, noodle dishes, curry, ramen and so much more. It’s basically a one-stop lunch, brunch or dinner spot for all kinds of Asian fusion (and a really great sake selection to boot).

For an excuse to dine in a restaurant: Henley

From a style standpoint, Kimpton’s lobby-level restaurant Henley is one of the most polished places in town, weaving in bold art and tile patterns with an equally creative menu to follow suit. Whether you’re staying at the hotel or just looking for somewhere to eat in Midtown any meal of the day, Henley is one of your top contenders.

For the hardest weekend brunch table to land: Tavern

Call it a college bar if you will, but M Street’s Tavern has been a mainstay of mine in the seven years since we’ve been back. It’s consistently delicious, and one of the only places in Midtown open in the middle of the day, so my gal Beth and I have had many a mid-afternoon cocktail with snacks (the buffalo cauliflower has never let me down). It’s also a slam dunk for weekend brunch—if you can get a table. Avoid at all costs on a Vandy home weekend, but any other time, get there minutes before they open and grab a table (or put your name down). If you’re there promptly at 10 (or maybe just before), you should get in just fine. And the hash and the red velvet waffles with cream cheese drizzle are totally worth the wait, too.

When you’re feeling Japanese: The Green Pheasant

If you haven’t been to Two Ten Jack, start there—but I’d venture to say I like the food at the Green Pheasant even more than I do the original izakaya and ramen joint in East Nashville. Even better that it’s based downtown and the perfect dinner spot before a night at the Symphony or a show at the amphitheater. The menu is small, but plates are very sharable. On my first visit, I went with five girlfriends, and we ordered pretty much every dish on the menu and shared them. I immediately went back the following week with SVV, because no one appreciates Japanese food more than he does. A few standouts: the spicy crab noodles, chicken wing gyoza and the broccolini. Park in the adjoining parking garage, and you can get your parking validated to make it just $5 for 2.5 hours.

For seafood in a land-locked state: Henrietta Red

Ben and Max Goldberg teamed up with their childhood friend, Chef Julia Sullivan, and her business partner, Allie Poindexter, at the helm a couple years back to open this bright spot in Germantown, an Instagrammer’s dream with its striking tile and abundance of natural light. Sullivan brings her culinary panache, honed at such notable restaurants as Blue Hill at Stone Barns and Per Se, to the kitchen, and the raw bar is laid out to be communal with an additional 70 seats in banquette- and table-style seating in the adjoining dining room. In addition to a dozen or so types of oysters, other seafood dishes like smoked mussel toast, wild striped bass and wood-roasted mackerel round out the menu. My favorite excuse to go to Henrietta Red, though, is the weekend brunch, which I’ll put up against any other in town.

For the best tacos you’ll eat, ever: Mas Tacos Por Favor

Ask an East Nashvillian old or new what their favorite restaurant is, and nine out of 10 of them will tell you: MAS TACOS. You order at a window, then your name is called out, and they move very quickly, so don’t be deterred by the line. Since these are street tacos, I recommend three to make up a full meal—and you can’t pass up on the fried avocado one—as well as a side of street corn and agua fresca. Mas Tacos totally upped its game when it added a bar, and margaritas became part of the mix, though you’ll order those at the back bar. On warm evenings, the patio is the perfect place to dine.

For brats and baseball: Von Elrod’s

One of my qualms with Nashville dining has always been that the patios aren’t big enough. Enter: Von Elrod’s with its massive outdoor space. This beer hall with a focus on German cuisine debuted a couple years ago right across from First Tennessee Park where the Nashville Sounds play, and it’s a great spot to get a brat and a pint or two before you head into the stadium for the evening. Von Elrod’s boasts 36 beers on tap with even more available by the bottle. They’ve also got weekend brunch and offer specialty classes like pretzel-making.

For vegetarians: Butcher & Bee

Let’s state this upfront: Butcher & Bee is not strictly vegetarian, and yet, I feel like it has one of the best menus for veggie-loving diners in town. It’s the kind of place you go for healthy shared plates and a mean cocktail, and you must take my word for it that ordering the whipped feta is a non-negotiable; ditto to the fire-roasted carrots. Another, more under-the-radar veg spot is Sunflower Cafe in Berry Hill.

For all things Greek: Greko Street Food

Nashville restaurant vets and first cousins Bill Darsinos (Southside Grille) and Tony Darsinos (Gondola House Pizzeria in Hermitage) joined forces to bring Greek food to East Nashville. Designed to offer an authentic Athens street food vibe, Greko will serve an array of dishes like fresh-baked pitas; lamb, chicken and pork cooked on a rotisserie over a live fire; souvlaki; and Greek fries with oregano and Myzithra cheese. All of the meats will be cooked over a live vire, and the bulk of the ingredients, such as olive oil and wines from their home region of Nemea, will be imported directly from Greece.

For a happy hour kind of dinner: Lockeland Table

Anytime I’m in East Nashville between 4 and 6pm, you can bet I’m likely kicking it at Lockeland Table with my friend Matt for the daily Community Hour, which features a selection of $5 cocktails and some snacks to share like Korean beef tacos and deviled eggs with chow chow at discounted prices.

For when you need a brunch ressie: Le Sel

French brasseries are not a dime a dozen in Nashville, so Le Sel filled a void in the market when it came to town with a European-influenced menu heavy on the oysters and plenty of wine selections to match. Le Sel offers dinner, though I’m not overly wild about French cuisine, so I prefer it for weekend brunch (if you love ratatouille, though, this is your place). Savory crepes, croque Madams and Bayonne ham Benedicts? I’ll take one of each!

For breakfast any day of the week: Marché Artisan Foods

Margot McCormack is one of Nashville’s food pioneers, and her pair of restaurants—Marché and Margot—in Five Points are always packed, no matter how buzzy their newer neighboring restaurants are. I love this European-style cafe for weekday breakfast, as it’s not too crowded (weekends are another story), and it’s really hard to find places in town that serve a full brunch menu Monday through Friday.

For that international flavor: Thai Esane

I could eat Thai food every day for the rest of my life and never grow tired of it. Unfortunately, while Nashville dining is many things, diverse it is not. Which is why Thai Esane’s 2014 opening was greeted with a collective cheer from those of us who crave Asian food at every meal.

For a swanky night out in the Gulch: Tànsuǒ

Tànsuǒ, another Maneet concept, is sandwiched between Chauhan House and Mockingbird. The darkly-lit, bi-level space is meant to reflect a Chinese night market (albeit, a very cosmopolitan one), and the menu is an exploration of contemporary Cantonese cuisine like Toishan Pork Sui Mai, Peking Duck and a spin on classic Chinese fare such as General Tso’s Chicken.

*****

The above is an exhaustive, though not completely comprehensive list of some of favorite places to eat over the years, but just know, that these are definitely not the only options. And many oldies but goodies like Cafe Coco or Miel that often fly under the radar didn’t make the list simply because I haven’t been there in eons to even know what the food is like anymore (and others like Firefly Grille and Tin Angel have recently closed, R.I.P. to them, too).

Here are a few more Nashville restaurants to check out, depending on what you’re in the mood for:

Hot chicken: Hattie B’s, Pepperfire, Bolton’s Spicy Chicken & Fish, Party Fowl, Prince’s Hot Chicken

BBQ: Jack’s Bar-B-Que, Peg Leg Porker

Burgers: Hopdoddy, Burger Up, The Pharmacy, Gabby’s, Farm Burger, Hugh Baby’s, M.L. Rose, Jack Brown’s

Pizza: Folk, Emmy Squared, DeSano, Slim & Husky’s

Steaks: Kayne Prime, Oak Steakhouse, Bourbon Steak

International: Lyra, Epice, Plaza Mariachi, King Market, Azadi International Food Market

This post was last updated April 2019.

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from Camels & Chocolate: Travel & Lifestyles Blog http://bit.ly/2i41ich

[mclennunf]

This Boy - Chapter 17

A/N:  AHHHH THE APPOINTMENT ~John's~ I had to admit Ritchie was an amazing drummer. I wanted him in the band. But every time I looked at his smug little face I heard the voices in my head telling me to kick his ass again. But, I didn't. Paul was very content and forgave him very quickly last night. Paul asked me to spend the night, but I said no. I needed some time to myself before my appointment today. Although I knew he understood, he was still upset I wasn't going home with him. 

My appointment was in a half an hour. I grabbed the phone and dialed Paul's number. "Hello?" "Paul? It's John." "I've been waiting for your call. What time are we meetin' up love?" He asked, I could tell he was excited. "I'll come get ye' now." I said and then hung up the phone. Way to be nice. I was scared, okay? I didn't want the worst possible news. I knew there was an outcome that could completely end Paul and I, and I didn't want that. I didn't blame Paul for pushing me toward an appointment though, I knew he was right. I walked to his house and fought with myself in my head. It's not gonna go well. Bail out. Don't go. Go, this is your only chance at a normal life with Paul. This going to end you and Paul. Shut the hell up, we're here. I knocked on Paul's door nervously. The door opened and revealed his beautiful, flawless face. You shouldn't bring him. I began to walk away from his house, he was close behind me. "John!" He tried to catch up. Don't be unfair. I stopped and turned to him. "I'm sorry m'love. It's not you. I'm just..." I began, not wanting to admit to him that I was scared. "I know John. I'm here." He smiled at me as he casually touched the small of my back as we approached the doctor's office. "Are you ready?" Paul asked as he opened the door for me. I nodded. "I wish I could kiss you." I mumbled as I walked by him, through the door. I approached the nurses' desk as Paul took a seat in the waiting area. "Name?" She said. "John Winston Lennon." I mumbled back. "Take a seat, the doctor will be ready any moment now." She smiled and gestured toward the waiting area, where my lovely boy was waiting for me. Just call him your bloody boyfriend ya fag. I sat down next to Paul. "Do you think they're going to let you come in with me?" I asked, nervously. Paul looked around the room, scanning it before taking my hand. "I hope so." He answered, quietly. "John Lennon?" The doctor said, coming out from around the corner. My stomach flipped. I stood up. "My friend.. Can he come in?" I asked, my voice obviously shaking. The doctor nodded. "Follow me." I smiled at Paul, who took my hand secretively behind the doctor and followed him with me. I sat down on the evaluation table, Paul on the extra chair and the doctor on his fancy swirly chair. "So, John. What seems to be going on with you?" The doctor asked, grabbing a clipboard and pen. Don't fuckin tell him. Yer gonna get thrown away in a loony bin and never see Paul again. "Well sir, I-uhm, I have trouble, y'know because I hear voices - uhm, in me head." I said, staring at my hands. "What do the voices say John?" He asked. I looked up at him. He wasn't judging me, he was sincerely asking. No he's getting ready to call the loony bin. "Well, ugh-they tell me what to do a lot of the time, or y'know call me names and what not until I believe them. Sometimes they're so bad I can't focus on reality, y'know it's like I'm disconnected from real life. I dunno." I shrugged, realizing I had began to ramble. I looked over at Paul, who had a slight smile on his face. I assumed he was proud of me. He's not proud of you. "How often are the voices there?" "Every day. A lot. Most of the time." "Okay, John. Don't feel like this is going to ruin your life. You're not the only one in the world who suffers from this. But we will treat it, and get rid of those voices. How does that sound?" The doctor asked me. I smiled. "It sounds bloody great." I answered, feeling a little calmer. He's lying!  "Great. What you've got is called early psychosis. It's very serious, John. But I think we've caught your's early enough to treat it. I'll write you a prescription for some medication to help calm you down and stop the voices. It won't help completely, though. I want you to attend some individual cognitive behavior therapy." The doctor said as he wrote out my prescription. I began to panic. Medication. Therapy. Psychosis. You're a fucking LUNATIC. The voices kept repeating. "I c-can't, I don't, I mean," I tried to form words but I kept hearing the same thing over and over. "Shall I give you a minute?" "Yes please sir." I heard his voice. The door shut. Paul. I felt his hands on my cheeks. "John, are you there?" I felt him but my eyes couldn't him. I was looking up, down, side to side. "John." I felt shots of electricity on throughout my body. He was kissing me. He brought me back to Earth. "Paul." I managed to say. "Ah, there you are." He smiled. "Why're you upset? We've got a solution, love." Paul told me. "I don't want to go to therapy. I'm suppose to be strong. I don't want medication. I'm suppose to be strong." I repeated myself, hoping he would understand. "This is going to help you, John. I promise." He doesn't know what he's talking about. He wants to you to be locked away. "Paul I think I want to do this alone. You should go." I blurted out, shoving his hands off of me. His eyes looked hurt, and he hung his head. "I'll, ugh.. See ya 'round then John." Watch him leave. He would stay if he cared.   ~Paul's~ I wasn't going to leave. I know John had asked me too, but I didn't think it was a good idea. I stood outside the doctors office and lit up a cigarette. I wanted to know what got him so upset. He got an answer, he got a solution. I wanted to be there for him. But I had to remember this was HIS illness, not mine. I waited patiently for him to come out the door, hoping his mood changed back to being happy and needing me. I was also worried he would be upset I hadn't listened and just gone home. The door opened and I spun around. "Paul," John began. "Are you okay?" I asked, hesitantly. "I'm sorry I was a dick." He said as we began walking down the street. "It's alright Johnny, do you wanna tell me what happened after I left?" I asked, trying not to sound too pushy. "No Paul, not particularly. I'm going home, I'll see you... whenever I see you." John spat as he began to quicken his pace and I began to fall behind. "What the bloody hell!" I ran up behind him. I watched John roll his eyes. "John?" I said, trying to sound pathetic enough that he would feel bad. I watched his eyes soften. "Go home, McCartney." He mumbled, clenching his jaw. "I don't want to leav-" I tried to say before he cut me off. "Paul, what aren't ye grasping? I'm telling you to go the fuck home. Leave me alone." He almost yelled, clearly not wanting to make a scene in the middle of the street. My heart began to ache. "Fine." I said quietly, holding back my anger and frustration. I stormed off ahead of him toward my house. I wanted to make sure he made it home safe, but I didn't think I could do so without him knowing. I wasn't about to be a stalker boyfriend. I stormed up to my room, not saying hello to Michael or Auntie Gin. I slammed my door shut and fell into my bed, my face in my pillow. I held back my tears, John didn't deserve my pain. There was a knock at my door. "What?!" I answered, rudely. A small Mike peered through the door. "Paulie?" He said. "Come in," I sighed and sat up on my bed. He came in and sat down next to me. "What's wrong?" He asked as he leaned his head on my shoulder. I smiled at him. "Nothing is wrong, Mikey." I lied. "You can tell me Paul!" He said as he looked up at me. "John and I had a bit of a row, s'all. No big deal." I lied again. Oh, how I wanted to scream and punch the wall. John just shoving me off like that, talking to me so rudely even when I was trying to help. "Is everything going to be okay?" Mike asked. "I hope so, Mike. I really hope so." I said quietly, looking down at the ring on my left hand. Seeing it made my heart skip a beat, and a lump threatened to form in my throat. "Do you love John?" Mike asked me. My eyes widened a little. "Of course I do, Mike. He's me best mate." That wasn't necessarily a lie. "No, George is your best mate. John is your boyfriend, I thought," Mike began. "What?!" I said, shocked. "Isn't he? Or does John have another boyfriend or girlfriend?" Mike asked. He was so young and naive, he had no idea how wrong it was for two men to have that kind of relationship, how illegal it was. "Yeah Mike.. he is." I mumbled, waiting for another reaction. "Well I like him. He's funny." Mike smiled. "Do you wanna talk about y'row?" Mike asked as he straightened his back. I shook my head. "Well, I bet he's gonna call you tonight and apologize."  Mike said, as he smiled and left me alone with my thoughts. For all that it was worth, I hoped Mike was right. I did want to talk to someone about it, though. Mostly John, but obviously that was out of the question. I thought about calling George, y'know, to get his input or even just have someone listen, but the more I thought about it the more I felt as though I was disrespecting John's privacy. George didn't need to know about John's voices. Instead I strummed my guitar and scribbled lyrics down, hoping for some sort of satisfaction. Unfortunately, I knew I wasn't going to have any kind of satisfaction without John. I hoped that he was just having a bad moment and that everything was going to be okay. He would apologize and we could forget all about it. But I also had a scary thought, that John was mad that I pushed him into the appointment and he was actually finished with our relationship. I didn't want the validation that it was true, so I didn't call him. I would wait until he came crawling back to me. But I didn't want to wait, you see. I wanted to hear his voice, to touch his hand, to kiss his lips and to hear him tell me everything was going to be okay. Bloody hell, I couldn't sit like that all night. I got up and dialled his number. "Hello?" "John, baby, it's Paul. Can we talk?" I asked, my stomach now  filled with butterflies. Dial tone. John hung up on me.

[renaroo]

The Dark Half (1/20)

Disclaimer: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were created by Kevin Eastman & Peter Laird and are owned by Viacom. Warnings: Graphic depictions of violence, Psychological horror, Character death Rating: T   Summary: For years Leonardo has vowed to protect his family, but how is one supposed to protect their family from something that no one can see? And how can you tell whether or not the worst danger to your family is yourself? [TMNT 2k3]

A/N:  Of my surviving earliest fics, there was probably nothing that carried the amount of ambition with it that The Dark Half did purely because here I was, some thirteen year old who read way too many Stephen King novels, deciding I was going to completely go against all genre conventions I’d worked with before and make a horror story. And I’m honestly still proud of a lot of the ideas that came out of that. Though, it’s a little embarrassing looking at the past. 

Which is why I wanted the chance to finally go back and revise this old story that honestly did a lot of things for my growth as a person. 

And I’ll also be making fun of mid-2000s A/N’s along the way because hot damn are these hilarious

[[Original Author’s Notes circa 2005] Turtlefreak121: Alrighty, I've been plotting this one for quite some time, so if you would please, this is The Dark Half and I'm not sure how good this story will eventually end up, but I know I have quite the tendency to use cliffhangers (evil snicker)]

Bragging about cliffhangers and using the term ‘evil snicker’. Oh boy. This is going to be a trip haha

Chapter One: Murder in the Big City

Waiting for the night brought Leonardo to the surface at dusk.

Dusk. He always found that word to have a dry, unappealing sound to it that caught in the back of one’s throat. Nothing like the actual atmosphere it portrayed, this beautiful calm better suited by twilight, nightfall, sundown. And dusk certainly didn’t speak to the pleasure and ease that the time brought to Leonardo in particular.

For him, it was the start of his true day, the beginning of the nighttime freedom only granted to him and his family in darkness.

Being the oldest brother, being the chosen leader of their family clan, Leonardo had pressed himself to perform the part of the oldest brother, to be the fastest, the strongest, the most graceful. He had to push himself as the best in every possible way because he honestly didn’t know how else he could be a leader to his equally — or perhaps even more — gifted brothers.

At fifteen, Leonardo’s shoulders were tense and heavy with an unseen weight. He had to seek perfection in the almost futile attempt to earn respect from a gaggle of less self-important, less serious teenagers.

But if he didn’t have his brothers’ respect, if he didn’t lead them correctly, he couldn’t protect his family.

The price of failure was death for them. Leonardo found that unacceptable. Especially in a world where they were absolutely unaccepted.

Even with exceptions — friends who were as close as family, like April and Casey, or allies who they had earned respectful silence from — Leonardo was constantly aware that their enemies and those who did not and would not understand them far outnumbered them. That night alone, Leonardo as leader needed to maneuver his brothers’ surface exercises around the ever changing movements of the rival Foot ninja clan, the Purple Dragon street gangs which had splintered and expanded, and the generally unexpected that they always seemed to fall into.

As Leonardo looked over the peaks of rundown buildings and billow of occasional smoke, he could hear the soft patter of his three brothers landing not far behind him. He could almost anticipate that Raphael would be the one to step up next.

“What’s your call, fearless one?” Raphael joked, joining Leonardo in watching the distant cityscape. “You already rethinking topside training?”

“No,” Leo answered without even looking to the others. “I want us to take about a three block round of shadow tag. No weapons — palms only.”

He could all but feel the eyes rolling behind him.

“Oh pah-leese,” Michelangelo snickered.

“Even Master Splinter would let us use weapons,” Donatello pointed out with a sigh.

“Yeah, extreme rules or no rules,” Raphael sneered. He pulled his sai from their holster and quickly began spinning them while looking at Leonardo challengingly.

“We don’t need them out here. We need to work on speed, not weapon finesse. It’ll make keeping to the shadows less of an option—“ Leonardo began to list off his reasoning before his shoulder was whipped by the broadside of Raph’s sai. “Raph!”

“Guess who’s it,” Raphael chuckled before trust falling backward into the alley below.

Michelangelo and Donatello quickly followed, laughing among each other.

With a deep breath, Leonardo resisted rubbing at his temples before joining his brothers in the game of shadow tag.

Three blocks was nothing for them. Child’s play for ninja of their caliber.

Even though Leonardo was the only one to stick to the no weapons rule, there was little to no maliciousness involved between the four of them. A rarity for teenage brothers.

They danced through the shadows, around one another, each faltering in the slightest of steps and leaving an opening. It was constructive, a way of safely identifying weaknesses in their forms and guard. They all needed it, needed the challenge from one another.

Once he was free of it status, Leonardo knew his best plan was to pull ahead and put as much distance between himself and the others as he could. He twisted himself in a leap over Donatello, landing his palms on Don’s shoulders before pushing off and blasting forward. He could hear his brother’s groan of frustration.

His plan was working, Leonardo pulled far ahead from his brothers and reached the designated corner with feet between them. He enjoyed the bit of competitive edge, the rush, the feeling that he could still pull ahead.

Catching his breath, Leo began to turn to face his brothers as they slowed in approach, but raised voices put him on guard.

Ducking back deeper into the shadows, Leonardo watched steadily over the edge of the building where the voices were coming from. He waved to his brothers, almost instantly silencing them.

They followed his lead, falling into line into the shadows.

“Trouble?” Donatello asked in barely a whisper.

“Don’t know,” Leo said, trying to make sense of the distant, but loud, words. He was unsettled, though he couldn’t imagine why. These sorts of issues were not exactly uncommon on their night runs. But there was something about this, it didn’t sit well deep in his guts, where he was beginning to feel hollowed out and strange.

“Uh, Leo?” Mikey stage whispered, a little too loud for Leo’s liking. “You alright, dude? You look… pale.”

“What?” Leo answered defensively raising his shoulders. “No. No, I’m fine. Just… Trying to read the situation.”

Without a second to breathe, the air was interrupted with an ear piercing noise — the firing of a gun.

Raphael spun his sai a last time before holding them ready. “Looks like time’s up for that, fearless.”

Leonardo felt the same sickly, gut wrenching feeling that had suddenly overcome him from before. There was something not right about the situation.

His thoughts didn’t carry for long, however, as a second shot was already filling the air.

“Go!” Leonardo ordered, though all of them were already in motion, and his stomach was completely cold with a dread he couldn’t place.

Big Tony was, admittedly, not the most original monicker.

Perhaps it was all he had earned from one of the least original ways to direct the small block of Queens that had been left over after the fall of the ninja clan and its vice grip on all underground activities. Ruthless, but not particularly ambitious. And so long as he and his crew maintained the hold that they had, he was going to be as ruthless as possible inside of his territory. It was a doomed strategy, especially among mobs and especially in New York, but there wasn’t a soul left in Tony’s operation who would oppose him on it.

That left the bloated, greased up man to smile with veneers to cover his rottenness, and his many stolen rings and medallions to flash to the public at large. He looked like a Dick Tracey villain in his dark purple pinstripe suite, and yet he terrified those underneath the heel of his snakeskin boots into silence.

Dressed as he was, Big Tony looked out of place in a darkened alleyway. But it was his most secure path for himself and his closest working confidante, Weasel — a man who more than fit his own monicker in appearance — to reach the dubious looking former pharmacy that acted as the most recent office for their empire.  

Still, it was a bad time of night, especially when a failed cover up involving a journalist had come to bite them in the ass so recently.

At least that event had taught Tony to no longer leave loose ends. Which was his intention that night before he ended up being on the receiving end of a surprise.

On the other end of the alley, in the shadows by the thick plated door that served as Tony and Weasel’s preferred entrance, stood the pudgy man of the hour.

“The hell,” Weasel muttered, hand already by his secured arm.

“You told him about our door?” Tony snarled, already feeling heat rising to his face.

“No way, Boss,” Weasel answered. “But, you know this guy. He never does anything right. Guess he forgot how to use a front door in between missing his payments.”

A growl rolled its way between Tony’s gnashed teeth, but he was not a man known for his restraint after all. So with bluster and confidence, remembering the sniveling pencil pusher he was dealing with in the first place, Tony began to push his way to the strange man in the bowler hat. “Erlinger! First you have the nerve to demand a meeting with me, and now you’re trying to show your disrespect by not even coming by my terms? The hell’s the matter with you? Do you need reminding of where your place is? Who’s the man that you keep the damn books for? Do you?”

Weasel snickered from behind and lessened the tension that had been built.

They knew this nobody of an accountant, after all.

“Disrespect?” Erlinger answered with a strange lack of stammering. He didn’t so much as flinch, obscured by the overcast shadows. “No, sir. Of course not, sir. A lack of respect for superiors is not one of my vices.”

Taken aback by the words and the sultry confidence Erlinger had in presenting them, Tony stopped mid stride and looked back to Weasel. Weasel seemed as confused by the scene as Tony was.

“The  hell are you talking about?” Tony said flagrantly instead. “You on something? You call this so that we can straighten you out? Because with the heat on me like it is, Erlinger, you better believe that I’ll lay you out as I do it. I don’t need any whack job fucking up my books while I’m still lucky to be on bail, you worm!”

Rather than coil back in fear and regret as most would under the duress of being in Tony’s direct line of sight, Erlinger stood his ground, clicking his tongue. “Wrath. Avarice. Vanity. I see them all so clearly now. How was I ever so blind to the sin that ooze through that gluttonous body. Everything is so much… clearer now. So much… better now that I have been granted his sight.”

“What?” Tony balked, so off guard there was almost nothing else he could have said.

“Hey! You can’t talk to the boss like that!” Weasel cried out indignantly, pressing up ahead of Tony. He was pulling out his gun, face already covered in pure disgust.

From the darkness of the shadows, a simple smile seemed to almost glow. “And there is envy. What sins we wear right on our sleeves.”

“Boss,” Weasel muttered out of the corner of his mouth, “he completely lost it.” Training his firearm on Erlinger. “The only thing I’m seeing on your sleeves, Erlinger, is that same ugly as hell blue suit you’ve had for as long as we’ve known you.”

“What did you want all this for?” Tony snapped. “You called this meeting for a reason. What is it? Stocks down? Pigs banging on your doors already? What brought you here?”

“Land acquisition,” the man responded simply. “An expansion of territory, if we’re going by your rudimentary terms.”

“Hey, Tony’s business is his own business, you pen pushing cockroach! Keep your noses in the books!” Weasel ordered harshly.

“I don’t have any investment in your crude criminal dealings anymore,” Erlinger clarified coldly. “I’m speaking of my own territory.”

That actually made Tony laugh. The man had surely reached some sort of psychotic break. “You ain’t got no territory, stooge. I own you, remember?” He chuckled and looked to his loyal lieutenant. “The nards on this guy, am I right? Who’s got envy and greed now?”

Weasel placated Tony with an immediate laughter, true if not bolstered for emphasis a bit.

“You laugh at my sins,” Erlinger said almost somberly, “but I wouldn’t. There isn’t any shame in sin. Those of us involved with the more nefarious side of life should know that. Accept that. What we should allow ourselves to do is bathe in it. To accept it and live by it. I hear that calling now. I know it to be something that will last beyond any mortal, beyond any means. It’ll have the most lasting impacts, the greatest legacies.”

“What a whack job,” Weasel muttered in astonishment.

“Putting it lightly, Weasel,” Tony responded, brows reaching for his hairline.

“I’m speaking of greed, gentlemen,” Erlinger elaborated more. “Greed, something the three of us are no small strangers too, of course. Greed… and its stupendous possibilities once we’ve given ourselves over to it. Over to him.”

“Him? The hell you talking about?” Tony tried again.

“You see, he understands greed, is avarice. And I say that with no small amount of exaggeration. And, because of that, because of that need to grow and to be taken care of so that the empire may continue to grow, I must provide to him territory. Land acquisition, after all, was the first greed of all. The one that built his empire to begin with. That’s why he calls me. And he calls me to do this.”

Before the bizarre rant could even sink in, there was an earsplitting pop, and Tony felt a numbing cold in his chest. He began to sink just as a second bang echoed and it could truly set in that he was shot. Weasel was shot.

And he laid on the floor of a dark alley in the small bit of the Queens he had loved to rule aggressively so much. And he did so until darkness consumed everything around him.

When they landed in the alley there was nothing. Wisps of gun smoke were still in the air, two fresh bodies on the ground — but there was no life. Leonardo somehow sensed that the instant his feet touched the ground.

Somehow, impossibly, the shooter was not there in an instant after shooting two victims.

Raphael passed them all in order to be closer to the two fresh bodies, watching the blood pool between them. “Hey, I know these lowlives — they’re those mob doofuses from a while back. We saved that kid’s mom, the reporter, from them.” He sneered at the men. “Couldn’t have been to two nicer guys—“

Judgment.

“Raph,” Leo said in a warning voice.

“What do you think? This one’s got a gun by him, think they shot each other?” Mikey asked. “Case closed?”

“No, case definitely not closed,” Donatello corrected, squatting down to his haunches to examine the scene better. “They are both l saying on their backs and facing the direction of their entrance wounds. Which means they were both shot from the same direction…” He looked over his shoulder toward the end of the alley where Leonardo was currently standing. “The shooter would have to have been right there.”

Leo squinted and looked around him for a hiding spot, high in alert with his twin swords readied in each hand. There was no dumpster, no pile of debris — nothing for someone to hide behind. Just a large, metal door. He walked toward it and tested the knob. It was locked up tight.

“There’s nowhere for the shooter to have gone,” Leo confirmed out loud.

“Oh, sweet! Are we about to play detective on this? I totally call being Batman,” Michelangelo said exuberantly. “Donnie, you’re Robin. Raph, you’re Alfred. Leo’s Commissioner Gordon.”

“Knock it off already, will ya?” Raphael snapped.

“Okay, Batman,” Don humored, “if the shooter was where Leo is now, and isn’t there by the time we jumped down here, who did it?”

“Don’t play along, that’s only going to encourage him,” Raphael admonished Donatello. “Leo, wrangle everybody up like you usually do. Y’know. Do your Leo stuff.”

“Huh, would Leo stuff include shooting gangsters in an alleyway? Because that’d make this case way easier to solve,” Mike joked with a shrug.

Immediately, every muscle in Leo’s body tensed up. He turned and looked in offense toward his brother. “Why would you say that? I didn’t do anything. Why would you even joke about that?”

The panic built and built through his body, Leonardo could feel it choking him, clawing at his every nerve. The mere thought of being suspected, the coiling distrust, the hateful injustice. And then beneath it all, most hauntingly, a slight tinge of guilt. From nowhere, from nothing. Leo felt it all the way down to his own bones.

“Whoa, bro, I’m only kidding, calm down!” Mike laughed awkwardly, holding up his hands defensively.

“Leo’s right, we should be treating this situation with more respect,” Don huffed, standing back up.

Raphael was staring at Leo in confusion and suspicion. “We were with you the whole time, Leo, calm your tail.”

“I know that,” Leo snapped.

The defensiveness in Leo was only building and his brothers were beginning to look at him in more concern. After all, this wasn’t the first crime scene they had come across. Which was also why, when they heard the sirens nearing, they knew to leave.

“Quick! To the sew…er…” Leo ordered, pausing as he glanced to the nearby manhole.

His brothers caught on rather fast.

“I’m popping it open, you guys be ready to duck if someone’s sitting down there with a revolver, alright?” Raph volunteered, readying his sai as he came to the manhole then swiftly slipping the blade between the cracks and cracking it open.

Leo, with the rest of his brothers, were at the ready.

But, nothing happened. Raphael opened the rest of the manhole and even stuck his head in before giving the all clear.

“I don’t get it,” Mikey said, hopping down into the sewers in line with the others.

Leo hung back to close the cover behind them. His whole body still felt unsettled. “You don’t get what, Mikey?” he pressed.

“Where’d the killer go?” Michelangelo asked, scratching at his cheek in thought.

“Not our problem anymore,” Raph shrugged off in disregard.

“The police will figure it out,” Donatello answered confidently.

“Maybe,” Leo said lowly from the back. It didn’t feel like it wasn’t their business, Leo couldn’t shake it for some reason.

Especially the admittedly comedic suggestion that it was somehow Leonardo himself responsible.

The others mostly overlooked Leo’s comment and overall dour change in disposition.

“Man, I’d at least like to know why, that’s the question that always is the most interesting on Forensic Files and stuff,” Michelangelo continued to push.

“They were mobsters, dude,” Raph snapped. “What’d’ya think was the cause?”

“Simple,” Leo said, getting his brothers’ attention unintentionally. He blinked as he caught all of their looks, and then cleared his throat to clarify. “It was probably greed.”

Raph rolled his eyes and Don nodded slightly before looking forward. Mikey took a breath and sighed but none of them really reflected on the sentiment.

But Leonardo did. Because it felt so unnatural on his own tongue.

Like the guilt that had been building strangely within him managed to evaporate in an instant as he was overcome with a sense of rightness to that blame, a questioning of ethics that poured out from between his own teeth.

It didn’t necessarily feel bad.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 108, June 2018

On Queen’s Birthday public holiday, I decided to go down to YMCA Casey RACE for a Body Pump class with Natalie Blanch. As it was a “typical” Monday, I was struggling with both time and motivation but was still determined to get down to the gym regardless. Surprisingly, for a public holiday, there was a decent amount of members in the class today. I spent some time reflecting on how far I’ve come from my very first Pump class until now. I’ve certainly grown in confidence, able to follow Nat’s directions easier, can usually keep up and I feel fitter as well. https://www.lesmills.com.au/bodypump

Today we did tracks from Release 96 including Tiesto - Blow Your Mind, Panic! At The Disco - Hallelujah, Flo Rida - Wobble, Galantis - Peanut Butter Jelly and Zedd featuring Bahari - Addicted to a Memory. It was a pretty tough release especially the dreaded lunge track which Nat claimed was “fun” (My thighs were burning a lot). Some of the exercises we did included overhead presses, power cleans, deadlifts and rows (Warm-up, Back), push-ups, dips and bicep curls with the bar (Biceps, Triceps), flying raises, side raises and revolved raises (Shoulders) plus crunches, crunch pulses and Hurdler’s stretch (Core, Cooldown). https://www.siphilp.com/les-mills-bodypump-96-music-track-listing.aspx

On Tuesday morning, I had my final Employ Your Mind session for Phase 2 at WISE Employment in Cranbourne. It was a little disappointing and anti-climatic that I was the only participant leave at the end of this phase. Whilst it’s obviously nobody’s fault that clients can’t always attend due to having other commitments, it did make me feel awkward seeing as this was meant to be a “group” session.

However, support workers Karen and Vadim did the best that they could given the circumstances. Today I did a review of my Goal Setting Plan from Phase 1, going through the list and seeing if I needed to add or modify any of the goals that I set for myself. These included: Improving conversational skills and self-confidence. Being able to cope better with my mental health issues. Improving my memory, focus and concentration at work and in social situations. https://www.themhs.org/resources/1605/s58-employ-your-mind-improving-thinking-skills-for-work-and-community-engagement.

I decided to add two goals to my list: Making more friends and improving my social life. Losing weight and maintaining a healthy body weight. These two goals in particular have been things I’ve been continuing to work on over the past couple of years and have both had their share of challenges. But these goals are extremely important to me so I’ll continue to do what it takes to achieve them. https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/goal-setting

The next part involved having a brainstorm about reaching my goals. The things that help me to reach my goals include breaking them down and setting myself a plan, getting support from family, friends, support workers and counsellors as well as trying to eat healthy foods and exercising regularly. The things that get in the way of reaching my goals includes lack of motivation and struggling with my mental barriers (self doubt, worries, anxieties). Things that I’ve used to overcome these are positive affirmations, reminders of my strengths and personal qualities, meditation, deep breathing and asking people for help when needed. https://www.naturalhealthmag.com.au/content/6-ways-achieve-your-goals

On Tuesday night, I attended my Body Combat class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. Tonight’s class was a bit different in that Cinamon Guerin invited Caitlin up onto the stage to demonstrate half of the tracks. She is essentially an instructor-in-training and I have to say that she did a great job. She had a really good rapore with Cinamon and was able to confidently instruct by herself as well.

As usual tonight’s Combat class was a tough one with plenty of high knees, lunges, esteevas, jab boxes, uppercuts, front kicks, back kicks, side kicks and tricky combos. I was dripping in sweat halfway through the class and had to pull back a bit due to fatigue and soreness. I’m still proud that I’m able to come to Combat classes and smash it, no matter how I’m feeling inside. I’m determined to drop those kilos again. https://www.lesmills.com.au/archive-bodycombat

On Thursday morning, Mum and I dropped into Insight Accounting on the rooftop of Cranbourne Park Shopping Centre. Ever since the bad experience I had with my tax return last year, I’ve been trying to shop around to find another accountant who I might be more suited to. A quick Google search pointed me towards Insight Accounting and today I thought I’d drop in to make an inquiry about getting an individual tax return claim done.

The Cranbourne office located next door to Anytime Fitness (Cranbourne) seemed a little daunting at first with a long white hallway leading to the reception desk. The receptionist named Emma ended up asking one of the accountants, Stacey, to have a chat with us in her office. The space was very inviting and comfortable. Whilst Stacey was a lot younger than my last accountant, I could tell that she was switched on and had the right know-how about the preparation involved with tax returns. I feel pretty confident that I’ll end up doing my tax return through them this year. http://www.insightaccounting.com.au/individuals/

I personally don’t think there’s any harm in changing companies if you don’t feel satisfied or happy with their services. That is the prerogative of a client and you should make zero apologies about it. I used to be much more passive about it in the past but now I apply this to everything in my life...psychologists, counsellors, personal trainers, teachers, doctors and now accountants. If you don’t do this, you end up getting stuck in a rut and feeling depressed, frustrated, annoyed and/or upset. Don’t settle for second best.

On Friday morning, I dropped into my local Centrelink customer service office in Cranbourne to (hopefully) sort out the birth certificate issue from last week. Thankfully the lady who was serving me was much more helpful and less vague than Ms. Sue from last week. I could feel my anxiety levels spiking up as she was busily typing away behind the counter. I was praying that this time the system would actually accept my birth certificate now that I had my Change of Name Registration certificate with me.

Unfortunately, we had the same issue again and not even the expertise of the male staff member next door could resolve it. However, she did make copies and scans of both documents to send away to Births, Deaths and Marriages to get them verified and matched up. Whilst it was another frustrating result for me, at least this time some progress was getting made and it didn’t feel like a waste of time. https://www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/enablers/confirm-your-identity

On Friday night, I attended the re-opening night of Aaron Petty’s yoga studio, Level Up Yoga in Berwick. It’s really no secret that I find social situations to be tremendously difficult particularly when it comes to making conversation. How do I break the ice? What do I say? I don’t know 80% of the people in the room. And of course the wet weather had continued into the night. But I wasn’t going to let any of these barriers stop me from coming tonight.

Aaron has spent the last two weeks renovating and transforming the existing space located upstairs inside Personal Performance Training Centre into a proper yoga studio. It now features: a peach coloured feature wall, ceiling fan, air conditioner/heater, flooring vents, polished cork flooring, a storage cupboard and benches for the yoga equipment, mirrors, a new door and added wall. Honestly, Aaron and his team have done a magnificent job and all the hard work has paid off.

Tonight the space was beautifully lit up with lamps and fairy lights. The bench was decorated with little chocolates, love hearts, strawberries, tealight candle holders, a diffuser, native twigs and gum leaves. They also had some canopes and a glass teapot set up. I decided to start by having a chat with my good friend Daniel Cooper, whom I know from his band Spectral Fires. I actually did surprisingly well despite the obvious stumbles and mental blanks, grasping for the right words to say.

Then my anxiety was starting to kick in. I checked my phone and discovered that I’d only been there for 20 minutes. I was determined to push myself and not simply bolt out the door. It didn’t take long for the yoga space to start filling up with people. The volume level was also increasing pretty rapidly. I thought I’d sit down, grab some tea and read one of the orange timetables that Aaron had made up.

I was sitting next door to a tray full of peanut butter and coconut protein balls. In that moment, I could have honestly eaten the whole tray but that was the comfort eater inside of me talking. I was trying hard to be disciplined as weight loss is still an uphill battle for me. And here come the anxious thoughts (God this is so difficult. I hardly know anybody here. So many people know each other. Why do I find talking to people so hard? Maybe I should leave).

Thankfully this stream of thought was interrupted by Aaron Petty making an announcement. There was probably around 30-40 people in the room now which is a very impressive turnout. After delivering his thank yous and having one-too-many applauds, he started talking about his new concept for Level Up Yoga, Freedom and Stillness and what these words meant to him. Then he gently lead us all into a short guided meditation with Daniel Cooper playing some beautiful music in the background.

Finally he got us to introduce ourselves to a person we didn’t know and ask them “What does freedom mean to you?” Cue to typical thought of “OH SHIT!” But honestly this was exactly what I needed. To get out of my comfort zone and meet people. A couple of people actually approached me and it felt good despite how flustered my face was getting. But at the same time, my anxiety was easing a little and I didn’t feel quite as social isolated or withdrawn.

I aimed to stay for over an hour and I smashed that goal. I tried to do my usual sneaky ninja exit but was easily detected. To be honest, I didn’t mind because it showed that quite a few people in that room care enough about me to acknowledge my existence. Whilst it was hard for me sitting through the anxiety and the uncomfortable feelings I had inside, I’m really proud that I did it because that shows true strength. I deserve to be a part of the Level Up Yoga community. https://www.aaronpetty.com/teaching-schedule/

On Saturday morning, I did a Vinyasa yoga class with Aaron Petty at Level Up Yoga in Berwick. As I had the day off work, I figured I’d come along to one of the free yoga classes Aaron was offering this weekend. I was still feeling a bit restless from last night as I didn’t sleep very well but I somehow managed to motivate myself to go this morning. It was a small class with only two other girls joining me but I was very content with that considering how packed the studio was last night.

Being a Vinyasa class, I knew that this would be challenging but I just did the best I could. We did several different sequences of poses including:                      Vinyasa Flow: Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Chaturanga, Baby Cobra/Cobra/Updog.                                                                                    Warrior Sequence: Three Legged Dog, Crescent Lunge, Warrior 2, Reverse Warrior.                                                                                                      Strength: Half-Pigeon, Mermaid, King Pigeon, Side Plank, Elbow Plank.              Inversions: Legs in the air, Shoulder Stand, Handstand.

This morning I tried to use laughter as a coping mechanism to deal with my struggles particularly with the strength and balancing poses. Holding my own body weight is something I’m still continuing to work on. I also knew what my limits were and there were a few times where I had to pull back due to fatigue, especially towards the end of the class. This is not a sign of weakness. It’s actually a good thing to have enough self-awareness to figure out when I should be resting or pulling back. The last thing I want to do is injure myself. https://www.popsugar.com.au/fitness/Benefits-Normal-Plank-vs-Elbow-Plank-28902118

“It takes a voice to make a change. It takes courage to not be the same. If the world is silenced today. I make sure to scream my name. Don't lose your heart. If you're willing to change, willing to fight. Promise me. Remind yourself. You're breathing. Remind yourself. That you are bleeding.” Dream on Dreamer - Don’t Lose Your Heart (2015)

[ismael37olson]

Fuck the Fourth Wall

I've always found the idea of the Fourth Wall to be silly at best, and dishonest at worst. We all know there's no wall there; isn't it dishonest for the actors to pretend a wall is there... and the audience isn't...? There were a lot of ways in which I wanted to explore, new ideas, new directions, new focus, when I founded New Line Theatre in 1991. One of the most obvious ways was our content, with shows like Assassins, In the Blood, Sweeney, Passion, The Ballad of Little Mikey, Floyd Collins, Jacques Brel, et al. But we also explored, from the very beginning, the idea of space and the artificial divide between actors and audience. A lot of New Line's history has been spent playing with those ideas or shattering them altogether. And I thought it would be fun to look back over some of the fourth-wall-busting we've done over the last twenty-six years. After hearing way too many times that the staging for The Great Comet was "ground-breaking" (it was really great, but not at all ground-breaking), I've been thinking about the various ways we've played with space over New Line's history. It's interesting to see how our experiments got bolder over time. It started with invading the audience's space personally, and then over time, more generally... The very first show New Line produced was A Tribute to the Rock Musicals, which I created. It was essentially a concert tracing the history of rock musicals, with some minor staging here and there. But in looking for a new way to frame the evening, I created a Professor (played by John Gerdes, who's currently working on the music for The Zombies of Penzance for New Line), who actually gave a "lecture" on the history of the rock musical. The actors all started in the house, quickly overcome by the opening number, dancing and singing in the aisles, then moving up onto the stage to become the "examples" of the Professor's lecture. Looking back, I can't believe I made audiences listen to a lecture, but people loved the show. We only got a couple reviews back then, but they were both very nice. At the time I was just experimenting, but I realized that the actors coming out of the audience made them the audience's surrogates, and we all "learned" together, while rocking out to some killer show tunes.

New Line's second show was a neo musical comedy I wrote called Attempting the Absurd, about an unusually self-aware twenty-something who has figured out that he's only a character in a musical. In 1992, long before [title of show]. Senior year in college, I got this idea, and my roommate and I discussed the details and the logical implications of my premise for the entire school year. When I got home, I had honed my central premise and I wrote the show. But since the "entire world" -- everybody and everything in Jason's life -- is a musical, then the audience is part of the story too, as the musical's audience. So once again, we started the show out in the house, this time with Jason and his girlfriend arguing across the center section of the audience, and then both of them slowly moving into one row, pushing past audience members, ending up dead center between two rows (a comic device I used again fifteen years later in Urinetown). It was impossible for the audience to be passive after that. They were part of this. Throughout the show, Jason talked to the audience, although his mother sometimes asked him why he was talking to the wall. My favorite bit was right after the first big scene. Jason sits on the front of the stage and talks to the audience:

It was three things that led to my discovery that I'm only a character in a musical comedy: I have the overwhelming feeling that everything I do is controlled by someone somewhere behind a typewriter, I have only a sketchy memory of my past, and I never go to the bathroom. (He senses disbelief in the audience.) You laugh, but haven't you ever felt like the things that happen around you aren't real? Just couldn't be real? Kind-of set out too perfectly? Like when you pick up the phone to call somebody and they're already on the line. Hasn't that ever happened to you? It's been two years, no – longer, three years since I started really thinking about who I am, why am I here... And then not long ago, I suddenly realized that I'm only a character in a musical. I realized that I only exist within this musical. Of course, since everyone else thinks they're real, they think I'm nuts. (Slowly and with great import:) See, I'm a fictional character in the Real World, while all the people around me are real people in a fictional world. (A long pause while he lets it sink in. He smiles. He knows how confusing he sounds.) I bet you'd give anything to see Hello Dolly! right about now, wouldn't you..? Musicals used to be so neat and tidy... Ever since Sondheim, it's been all… downhill...

Eventually, Jason is arrested, for generally being crazy, and the charges are dismissed when Jason presents the Judge with the script for Attempting the Absurd. I was meta before meta was cool. Our fourth season, we did Pippin, with a woman as Leading Player, back in 1995 before that was trendy. We were in the St. Marcus, a theatre in a church basement. We built a runway off the front of the stage, out through the house to the back, and we used it a lot. The St. Marcus was a perfect place for this show, seating about 150, with the front row about three feet from the stage. It was really intense, really freaky. I was particularly proud of some of the moments I created in that show. My favorite was the opening. The house went to black, and a pinspot came up slowly on Pippin, out on the runway, in the middle of the house. He takes a breath and raises his hand -- which is holding a gun -- up to his temple. He closes his eyes... and that note fades in... and he looks around... and "Magic to Do" starts. He slowly turns around and sees the Players emerging from the darkness... What I loved about that moment was that it was incredibly intense, which gave the whole evening some serious balls, but it also set up the show's climax, when Leading Player tells the audience, "Why, we're right inside your head." This whole story has happened in Pippin's mind, so the Grand Finale is, by definition, suicide. I'm not sure audiences always get that, and I think this helped. We produced Sweeney Todd in 1996, and for the first time, we did something I had been wanting to do for years. We used the entire theatre, including the audience, as the environment for our story. I had read an interview with Sondheim, in which he said he had wanted Sweeney to be a small, chamber musical, with the actors popping up behind the audience, scaring the crap out of them. I loved that idea! So for our production, the aisles became the streets of London. Because we were in a basement theatre, there were support poles in the audience, and we dressed them all up as streetlamps. In addition to the small permanent stage at the St. Marcus, we built two satellite stages; and two of these three stages had revolves. Each time the chorus would sing "City on Fire," they would literally be inches behind the back row of the audience. It was so much fun, and people really loved the intensity of it.

In 1999, we did Into the Woods in much the same way, but going even further, this time setting a cross-aisle halfway through the audience, and again using all the aisles as paths in the woods, and now dressing up those poles as trees. Every time the cast would do the aphorisms, they'd all be walking briskly up and down the aisles, through the cross-aisle, behind the back row. It was completely stereophonic, and there was so much to look at. As we did with Sweeney, we played big hunks of the show out in the house. One of my favorite moments evolved out of a problem. Our cast was slightly smaller than the original, and after Jack's Mother is conked on the head -- in the middle of our cross-aisle -- I needed the Steward to help carry her out of the way. But the Steward was holding the royal staff. So we decided he had to get rid of the staff somehow. Our solution was that he would slide it under the chairs in the front row, then whisper to whoever was on the end, "Say nothing or you're next!" The reactions were wonderful. With Floyd Collins, also in 1999, we kept the show onstage almost the whole time, with one exception when Floyd's down in the cave and he sings his cave calls. We placed the other actors all around the audience to sing Floyd's multiple echos. It was a really wonderful effect. It's not really fair to say we rejected the Fourth Wall when we did Hair, since it never had a Fourth Wall to begin with. As I said to many people about Hair, it's not a show, not a performance, as much as just a happening, an experience. Every night before the show even started, our tribe was out in the house, greeting the audience and passing out daisies (as the original production had done). They spent a lot of time in the audience during the show, and at the end (again, like the original), they invited the audience onto the stage to dance. You'd be amazed how many people did. There was never a divide between actors and audience. The whole space was open to us. It was so freeing. Then we moved into the ArtLoft Theatre in 2001. It was our first time in a blackbox, and it was like someone had just taught me to fly... One of my favorite experiments was our 2001 production of the 1937 labor musical The Cradle Will Rock. Our production recreated the show's real opening night -- when the government had shut it down, the producers had found another theatre, and then the whole audience walked twenty-one blocks uptown to the other theatre. But the actors' union forbade them from appearing onstage, so much of the cast performed the show anyway, but from the audience. You can hear original producer John Houseman tell that amazing opening night story here. My director's notes in our program for Cradle gave the audience its backstory, that they had just walked twenty-one blocks uptown, etc. Then Orson Welles greeted the audience and introduced me as composer Marc Blitzstein, to play his show from the stage. As it happened in 1937, just a few notes in, an actor stood up in the house and started singing, and soon the entire show was playing out in the audience. It was really thrilling theatre. For both Bat Boy in 2003 and 2006, and Urinetown in 2007, we returned to the idea of playing lots of the show out in the house, in the aisles, between rows. You can watch our Urinetown Act I finale here, to see how much fun we had. I remember during that run, I watched most of the show from the booth upstairs, because it was a great view, but I always came downstairs into the back of the house for the Act I finale, because it was so wild, it just left you breathless.

Another interesting experiment was our Sunday in the Park with George in 2003. I had this idea to create something close to the two-dimensional world of the painting. So we built a stage eight feet wide by thirty-two feet long, down the middle of the theatre, with audience on both sides, facing each other. I almost gave up on the idea in blocking rehearsals -- it's incredibly hard to block on a stage like that -- but we figured it out. And the final effect was very cool. When we did Man of La Mancha in 2004 we built a small 16' x 16' stage in the middle of the space, and made it look as old and gross possible, and we took the entire space for our dungeon, with the audience on all four sides. During the show, the entire cast sat around the stage watching when they weren't in the story. And because the front row of audience was only a couple feet behind the "prisoners," it pulled the audience into the action really powerfully, bringing them into the dungeon with us. It also made the rape scene very hard to watch. The one time the ensemble disappeared (gradually slipping underneath the stage) was for "The Quest," so Quixote could really be alone in the courtyard. Our Robber Bridegroom and The Fantasticks, both in 2005, followed in our experiments with Bat Boy and Urinetown, playing all over the theatre throughout the whole show. It was fun thinking about the implications of playing out in the audience so much. Different people sitting in different places see different shows. We decided to embrace that and add lots of little details that only a handful of people could see or hear, depending on where they're sitting -- and that prompted a lot of repeat customers. We left the ArtLoft in 2007, after Urinetown. For seven years we were at the Washington University South Campus Theatre, which was very nice, but after seven years in a blackbox, it felt a bit constraining sometimes. Now we're back in a blackbox at the Marcelle, and we've having lots of fun with it. It's been so much fun and so educational having this wonderful laboratory in which to experiment with our art form, particularly now in this new Golden Age, when the material is so often extraordinary. So far, we've tried four different configurations in our first two seasons at the Marcelle.  My favorite so far was Atomic, with the playing space down the middle, and audience on both sides, watching this show about America's creation of the Bomb, with other Americans as a backdrop. Pretty cool.

Our next show, Lizzie, is another piece that fucks with the Fourth Wall. The actors won't leave the stage, but the show is a kind of hybrid of rock concert and rock opera, and much of it works best full front, directly singing to the audience. But there are also dramatic scenes, in which there's a vague sense of a fragile Fourth Wall. The toggle between the two is really interesting, and it makes for some intense storytelling! New Line is not an "experimental" company. We're not "avant garde." The label I use is "alternative musical theatre," in other words, not mainstream, but not way outside, just different, alternative. But we have experimented a lot over our past twenty-six seasons, and I'm sure there will be plenty more cool experiments to come. Stay tuned. And don't miss Lizzie! Long Live the Musical! Scott from The Bad Boy of Musical Theatre http://newlinetheatre.blogspot.com/2017/09/fuck-fourth-wall.html

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 75, October 2017

The past few days have been really difficult for me to say the least. I can already feel that I’m in a state of transition right now after walking away from my current personal trainer Luke Davey last Friday. It was an extremely tough decision for me as I was hoping that things would get better and that we could turn a corner somehow. But the reality is that I just wasn’t happy training there anymore. No amount of self-help books, positive affirmations and friendly exchanges could cover up how I was truly feeling inside...uncertain, depressed, frustrated, misunderstood, conflicted, upset and hurt. I needed to move on.

Does it make me a bad person to want to change personal trainers? Hell no! I don’t think so. My biggest problem has always been worrying what other people will think and how they will react to my decisions. Am I making the right choice? Am I being too sensitive? Am I giving up too easily? Nope. I’m simply doing what’s best for me. From my perspective, there’s no bad blood between myself and Luke at all and I really appreciate everything he has done for me. He has helped me achieve many of my fitness goals. He has challenged me physically, mentally and emotionally. I’ve learned lots of new skills, movements and techniques.

So no, I don’t regret any of it at all. I just hope that Luke can accept and respect my decision as well. I’m really proud of myself for being open and honest with Luke as well as ending this PT-client relationship on respectful and peaceful terms.

Here is a list of achievements I’ve made with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness:

Losing 20kg of body weight (from 105 to 85kg)

Building up lean muscle in my arms, legs, glutes, hamstrings, back, buttocks etc.

Learning the correct techniques, forms and movements for doing deadlifts, back squats, front squats, bench press and dumbbell bench press

Completing many AMRAPs (As Many Reps As Possible), EMOTM (Every Minute on the Minute), 3-4 rounds and time based workouts

Learning how to do stretches, box jumps, push ups, ring rows, using the balance board, kettle bell swings, single arm kettle bell lifts, squats, walking lunges and burpees

Improved my squat depth and weight lifting ability

Learning how to deal with anxiety, depression, fear, stress, overthinking, self-doubt, self confidence issues and believing in myself

On Monday morning, I went to my Yin yoga class with Kelly Wallis at Now, Yoga. in Narre Warren South. I kinda embarrassed myself this morning as I expected to see Kelly the moment I walked into the studio but instead saw another lady at the desk and instantly assumed that she was filling in. Whoops! But I let that moment go pretty quickly. It was moderately full class with about 10 students or so. I haven’t been to one of Kelly’s classes in a long time and I’ve missed her style of teaching.

Today there was a lot of focus on doing long holds and supported variations of poses including Standing Forward Bend, Yogic Squat, Sphinx pose, Puppy pose, Cow Face pose, Reclining Single Leg Spinal Twist and Child’s pose. And for the first time in the eight years I’ve been doing yoga, everyone had a literally chuck a temper tantrum. Normally, I hardly ever give myself permission to act silly or make lots of loud noises but today was the exception. And it felt great...releasing negative emotions like anger, frustration, guilt, shame, regret is so important and trust Kelly to come up with the idea. It was brilliant! http://nowyoga.net.au/ 

On Monday night, I revisited The Yard Strength & Fitness in Pakenham for the first time since August. It felt good being back here. In some ways, it was the ace up my sleeve if things went pear shaped at UFT. You can call it jumping ship but I have honourable intentions behind it. I truly believe that I deserve to train in a place where I feel supported and encouraged by everyone there. Part of me will miss being at UFT PLAYgrounds but I know in myself that I’ve made the right decision in leaving. I have to keep moving forward. https://www.facebook.com/TheYardStr... 

Tonight I did a Bootcamp class with two other girls, Eliza and Ebony, and it was run by Stacey Kett. We warmed up by doing some kettle bell swings and runs up and down the carpark. It honestly felt like I was doing the beep test back in high school PE class. Next we did a series of movements at 25 seconds each including KB squats, bar knee tucks, KB swings, squat bar jumps, KB high lifts, plank holds with KB touch and push ups. 

The final part involved an eight round TABATA doing plank holds. I was pretty much shaking and pouring with sweat at this point. My foam yoga mat was covered in it. But that meant that I really worked hard tonight. None of the tough emotional issues from last week were going to bring me down. I also feel like I’m improving heaps with my push ups, squats, running and plank holds.     

After the Bootcamp class, I had a brief chat with Abhishek Ashokkumar from Silverback Training Co. about the possibility of him becoming my next personal trainer. Honestly, I was a little nervous and weary as I normally am meeting new people but I felt comfortable enough to tell him about my goals, my mental health issues, what happened between me and Luke and why I want him to train me. I’m looking for someone who is compassionate, supportive, encouraging, patient and kind. Hopefully Abhi can deliver on those fronts. One step at a time. https://www.facebook.com/silverback... 

On Tuesday morning, I had my feedback session with Dr. Yasmin Baliz at CNS: Comprehensive Neuropsychological Services in Narre Warren. I was feeling a bit nervous waiting for Yasmin to arrive the reception area with my mum sitting across from me. Today was the day that I’ll find out either way whether I sit on the Autism Spectrum or not. We sat in the same room that we were in during the first appointment, with the same white plush leather sofas, black glass coffee table, fake palms and artificial cricket/tadpole noises from the Rainforest Room next door. 

So the moment of truth...I’ve been officially diagnosed with High Functioning Autism, which is essentially a mild form of Autism. Characteristics for diagnosis include difficulties with social interaction in groups, poor social skills, difficulties with verbal and non-verbal communication, prefers routine and predictable environments, prefers independent activities and finds sensory environments to be overwhelming. It was a lot of information to process in that session but thankfully there is lots of support and resources out there to understand it better. http://www.cnspsych.com.au/process.... 

Yasmin left me with the “The Autism Spectrum Information Booklet” and will be posting me out the report on my results from the assessment. I feel better knowing that there is an underlying cause for my thoughts, feelings, emotions and behaviour particularly in social situations that were often difficult to explain to others. There is a strong genetic component with a cousin on my Mother’s side also having Autism and there have been signs since childhood that I may be predisposed to it. But at least I know now so it’s like a veil’s been lifted. http://www.autism-help.org/autism-h... 

On Tuesday night, I attended the Mental Health & Wellbeing seminar at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. Sadly there wasn’t a big attendance at tonight’s event with most staff members taking up the semi-circle of folded chairs but I still felt like I got a lot out of the presentation. https://www.caseyarc.ymca.org.au/wh... 

The first presenter was a guy named James who is a personal trainer and an ambassador for Beyond Blue. He has suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts since the age of 13, going through periods of low self-esteem, self harm, substance abuse and denial. It took him many attempts to overcome his depression with several relapses and various psychologists but eventually he pulled through it. His strategies include finding a psychologist with similar values, being open about how you’re thinking and feeling and doing productive activities such as reading, going to the gym, hanging out with mates. https://www.beyondblue.org.au/conne... 

The second presenter was Dr. James Collard who is a clinical psychologist and representative from CBT Australia. His talk on mental health was more in depth and academic, exploring where emotions come from, the biological, social and psychological aspects, the effects of depression and anxiety, dealing with anger and problem behaviours and using self-care strategies to help cope with mental health issues. He provided quite a few examples from young clients and parents who he has worked with over the years which I found to be quite relatable. https://www.cbtaustralia.com.au/ 

On Thursday morning, I attended my Body Balance class with Wendy Lynne Perrow at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It was a really great feeling to walk into that group fitness studio and be welcomed by Wendy as soon as I stepped onto the mat...”It’s lovely to see you again Michael. Welcome back.” Sometimes that’s all you need, that acknowledgement, to know that somebody else cares about you and it’s what I needed in that moment. Truthfully, I’ve missed Wendy’s classes as well. 

Today we did release number 69 which featured the following exercises: Tai-Chi Warmup (Overhead circles, Wide legged arm sweeps, Soft blocks), Sun Salutations (Forward fold, Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Baby Cobra), Standing Strength (Warrior 2, Sun Warrior), Balance (Aeroplane pose, Dancer’s pose), Pilates (Double arm and leg extensions, Double D, Threading the Needle), Twists (Seated open and closed twist, Butterfly pose) and Hamstring Stretches (Staff pose with legs crossed, Wide Legged Forward Fold) and Relaxation. https://grandnat.co.uk/what-already... 

The thing I really appreciate about Wendy’s classes is her patience and guidance, allowing us all to take different options if we need to and not worry if the poses or movements aren’t “perfect”. She always has a way of making the class enjoyable for everyone and when it comes to the Relaxation, she is the undisputed queen of Guided Meditations. Her voice is so gentle and calming. I could easily drift off to sleep if I wanted to! https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/f...                 On Friday morning, I had my Body Combat class with Cinamon Guerin at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. So today’s class was a little different than usual. Firstly, it’s a longer class at 55 minutes and there was many more people participating, probably around 30 or so. There was also a small group of women down the front who were loud, extroverted and singing along with the tracks. I made the choice to not let them bother me nor do I necessarily have to be like them or copy what they’re doing. Just focus on being myself and doing my own workout.

There were quite a few challenging sections in this morning’s class especially doing dynamic lunges and front kicks. It always messes with my balance and I find it difficult to keep up the pace. But otherwise I was doing fine. I put a lot of effort in and could feel a huge emotional release during the jab boxes. You just get to the point where you’ve had enough of dealing with negativity and people who bring you down. So it felt good getting all of that out of my system today. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/f...

“I can't fake it, it's never enough. It's got a hold on me. Left behind here, I can't keep up. Come get a hold of me. I was thinking if I could be tough. You'd wanna hold onto me. I will be your home, keep you warm when it's cold. I will try to be what you need when you're low. I can only promise the girl that I am. I'll do anything that I can.”                              Broods - Recovery (2016)

“Something tipped me over. Someone knocked me down. Emptied out my inside. Poured it on the ground. A cavern for a body, The deeper darker kind. For all I hear are echoes, Repeat inside my mind. I thought the shade around me, was making me feel blind. I thought I was a hero, but I was just a child.” Broods - Worth The Fight (2016)

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 73, October 2017

On Monday night, I attended my Body Balance class with Kaz at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. Over the weekend, I’ve been dealing with a number of personal issues which have accumulated to the point of feeling emotionally shutdown. I feel very conflicted in how I want to proceed. The fact that I’ve always been a highly sensitive person who overthinks, doesn’t have a thick skin, gets easily upset and can’t handle criticism from others has lead me to this state of low mood and depression. I feel lonely and confused as to what people think about me.

So tonight is all about releasing these negative thoughts and feelings that no longer serve me and getting back to looking after myself. I feel like I’ve improved heaps especially with the Pilates section. I try to follow on and do the best I can even with my hips and core muscles burning. It just takes a lot of practice and doing what you’re capable of. Never give up.

Tonight we did the following exercises from Release 77: Tai-Chi Warmup (Overhead circles, bow and arrow), Sun Salutations (Forward fold, downward facing dog, plank, crocodile, baby cobra, low lunge, open twist), Standing Strength (Chair pose, tree pose, Warrior 3), Pilates (Table top, Bridge pose with pulses and bicycle, Criss-cross crunches, Side plank elbow to knee), Hamstring Stretches (Wide-legged forward fold, Staff pose) and Relaxation (Japanese Garden guided meditation). http://w3.lesmills.com/israel/en/cl...

On Tuesday afternoon, I spent some time with my Mum. After picking up my anti-depressants from the GP, Mum and I went to Cranbourne Park Shopping Centre to do some shopping. I could feel myself hitting rock bottom emotionally as things began to spill out of me. I was that depressed and low that I felt physically numb and empty just sitting at the table at Theobroma Chocolate Lounge Cranbourne. You can only keep that fake “everything’s fine” facade on for so long. I’m 31 years old and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

So many things have been affecting me in a negative way like my lack of friends/social life, the relationship with my PT, not having the confidence or self-esteem to stand up for myself, being unable to find my dream career or work out my direction in life. I think that I’ve become way too comfortable living at home with my parents that the prospect of moving out seems overwhelming and unbearable.

On Tuesday night, I attended my Body Combat class with Cinamon Guerin at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. It was pretty obvious during tonight’s class that I was struggling to keep up more than usual and I also had to take slightly longer rest breaks from tracks. I honestly wasn’t surprised considering how mentally and emotionally overloaded I’ve been over the last few days so I really need to cut myself some slack. The fact that I was still participating, still working hard, still doing the best I can and still walking out dripping in sweat should be something to celebrate and be proud of.

I had a great chat with Cinamon after the class and really opened up to her about how I’ve been feeling. It really needed to unload everything that’s been weighing me down lately. I’m so glad that Cinamon has a sympathetic and non-judgemental ear and can understand what I’m going through. Some people don’t get mental illness no matter how hard you try to explain it to them and that’s something I just have to accept. https://www.lesmills.com/workouts/f...

On Wednesday, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. Today was a tremendously difficult day for me after weighing up everyone’s opinions and advice on whether I should stay or should I go? Joel Perryman provided a welcome distraction by doing a brief interview with me about why I started training for UFT PLAYgrounds. I was also reading a chapter on “The Power of Self-Acceptance” from Dr. Russ Harris’ book The Confidence Gap. Kind of appropriate for me right now.

I don’t think I was fully prepared for the difficult conversation that was about to unfold between Luke and myself. It was time to take off the “everything’s fine” mask and get real about what’s been on my mind. I was physically shaking and feeling nauseous just listening to what Luke had to say to me. It was tough hearing those harsh truths it because I can’t seem to handle criticism of any sort. I do take a lot of things to heart, misinterpret things people say to me and get myself upset unnecessarily. I’ve just always been a highly sensitive person and I have to accept that.

Whilst part of me wanted to storm out of there and never return, I decided to do the mature thing, sit with the negative emotions, process what Luke said to me and try to learn and grow from this experience. I’m tired of running away from my problems. At times like these, I think that it’s really important to remember all the positive qualities that Luke possesses (He only wants the best for me. He wants me to improve in all aspects of my physical and mental health. He is friendly, encouraging and motivating). I’m holding onto hope that things will get better.

WARM-UP...I started the session by doing several yoga pose holds including camel pose, lizard pose and cobra pose. This was mentally tough for me as I was still feel like shit about what happened over the last few days. But continuing to beat myself up and calling myself a terrible person is not a productive way of dealing with this. I made mistakes. I took things Luke said to me the wrong way. Does that make me a terrible person? No, I don’t think so.

DEVELOPMENT...Somehow I managed to redeem myself here and explode out of that depressed, miserable mindset that I put myself in. I put the cards on the table and continued to open up to Luke which really helped me feel better. Today I did 5 rounds of 8 reps front squats at 50kg. Instantly my mind protested “Oh shit! Not front squats again. Remember what happened last time?” But I told my brain to shush and pushed myself through it.

I was pleasantly surprised at how well I was doing those front squats today. Despite my left wrist hurting, I still managed to get my technique right: t-rex grip on the bar, elbows and chest lifted, bar sitting on the shoulders. My squat depth was generally pretty good though I did struggle at times and noticed my heels lifted up a bit. But overall I walked away feeling like I did a really good job today. I turned negatives into positives which is exactly what I was hoping for. Things can only go up from here as I continue to get stronger and better.

On Thursday night, I went and saw Blade Runner 2049 at Village Cinemas Fountain Gate. You’d think I’d be used to going to the movies by myself at my age (All by myself, don’t wanna be all by myself anymore...) but evidently I’m not. I did make a few attempts to round up a few friends to come along but they all pretty much failed. It’s always been a huge struggle for me. It’s both frustrating and depressing but the reality is that I can’t control people’s lives or how busy they are or whether they’ll come or not. All I can do is ask.

Still I decided to not dwell on it too much and just focus on enjoying the movie. I’ve been waiting 15 years for this sequel to come out so I’m not going to wait for someone to go with, I’m really not. I have to remind myself that there’s nothing wrong with doing activities by myself at all. It’s just an acceptance thing really. I brought my copy of Philip K. Dick’s Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? which is very appropriate considering that’s the source material for Blade Runner. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1856101...

On Friday morning, I had my second Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. I felt like I was in a better place today mentally and emotionally since I sorted things out with Luke on Wednesday. I was reading “Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff...and It’s All Small Stuff” by Richard Carlson to help facilitate a positive mindset and give myself some gentle reminds before I started my session.

This part in particularly spoke volumes for me...”On the contrary, when you’re in a bad mood, life looks unbearably serious and difficult. You have very little perspective. You take things personally and often misinterpret those around you, as you impute malignant motives into their actions.” (p. 81). Yeah I took things the wrong way with Luke last week and realise now that his critique is not personal, but used to improve my technique, performance and abilities. He’s only trying to help me, not put me down or treat me like shit.

WARM-UP...This morning I started my doing 5 minutes on the balance board and then three rounds of the following: 8 leg curls with the resistance band, 8 single arm kettle bell lifts and 8 “hey boys”. I was struggling a little getting my feet into the resistance band and almost getting myself tangled up in it but I decided to be patient and kind with myself instead of beating myself up like I usually do. I’m only human and overall, I did pretty well with these movements.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I did 5 rounds of 8 reps deadlifts at 77kg. As much as I kept trying to bury my frustration, it was continuing to pop up today as it took me many attempts to get my technique, form, movement and pace right. Plus the pain in my lower back and hips was annoying the hell out of me. There was the possibility of me breaking down over this but I told myself that “Take your time Michael. You can do this. I refuse to be defeated. I will not give up.” I took in all the advice and constructive criticism Luke was giving me and eventually I was getting it.

My biggest issue is keeping my shoulders pulled back and not hunching over the bar too much as well as touching the ground softly. But it’s certainly getting there. I may have been really breathless and fatigued by the end of my 5 sets but at least I got it done and gradually felt myself improve once I let go of that internal frustration. Like Luke said to me today, I just need to “relax” more. Easier said than done! Another big positive was my ability to get the plates on and off the bar. It’s getting better and I’m no longer being harsh with myself about how long it’s taking me. Progress is progress no matter how small.

WORKOUT...Today’s workout consisted of doing 3 rounds of the following: 200m row, 20 butterfly situps, 20 Russian twists and 10 hollow rocks. Even during my first round, I knew that the Russian twists were going to be my greatest challenge. I struggling to keep my balance, legs lifted and deal with the pain in my hips and lower back. But giving up never crossed my mind.

Every rep I got through with an achievement for me. That was my approach. Just get it done and I did. Luke recognised that my attitude towards this workout was much more positive compared to last week’s push-ups and I walked away feeling proud of that performance. Sure it was really difficult at times but I didn’t let it defeat me. That’s strength, resilience and determination right there.

On Friday afternoon, Mum and I visited the Dandenong Market. We bought some more flowers (yellow and dyed chrysanthemums), which are very cheap and better quality than the ones in the supermarket. We also bought some Christmas cards and fragrant soaps before having a bite to eat at the Cafe Marketto. The food here is always really good and decently priced. I ordered the Aussie Breakfast which consists of scrambled eggs on toast, mushrooms, spinach leaves and a rasher of bacon.

“Why am I like this? Trying to get my head stronger. My friends fucking hate me. My heart has grown cold and so lately. Everything I touch turns to stone and fades. And I feel a weight has lifted. And I feel the waves crash over me. Don’t lack or feel deflated. I found comfort in being free. Move forward keep your head up. You will find your home. Just don't give into pain. Move forward there. And you will find your home. You'll find your home. You'll find your home.” Reside - Home (2017)

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 66, August 2017

“Whether we’re overcoming adversity, surviving trauma, or dealing with stress and anxiety, having a sense of purpose, meaning and perspective in our lives allows us to develop understanding and move forward.”                                                                                   The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (p. 74)

On Monday morning, I attended my Healthy Cooking on a Budget class at Balla Balla Community Centre in Cranbourne East. Today’s class was much smaller than usual probably due to the wet weather outside. Despite my usual levels of social anxiety and nerves, I was actually feeling a lot more productive and prepared today compared to last week. I was determined to get more involved and having encouragement from Kevin and Jodie certainly helped me a lot.

Today we made some profiteroles and some gougere with the choux pastry as a base. Most of the work involved using a saucepan to combine ingredients and a wooden spoon to stir them vigorously together. It was tricky at times because I’m generally not a fast stirrer and I had to consciously try to increase my speed. At least I had Kevin that I could alternate tasks with. We had to make a seperate chocolate ganache mixture as well as a chocolate filling for the choux pastry.

We also made a savoury alternative by combining bacon pieces, onion, chopped parsley, grated cheese and mustard with the choux pastry mixture. I was a bit rusty with the piping bag as I haven’t done it in so long but the puffs turned out pretty well in the oven. We dipped each of the puffs in the chocolate ganache and then filled each one with the chocolate filling.

On Monday night, I attended an RPM class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. I was feeling restless, drained and exhausted all day from lack of sleep and allowing people to drag me down over social media. So I really needed this class just to clear my head and hopefully boost my positive energy levels back up. Tonight’s class was run by instructor Claire who was really fired up, loud and motivating.

We cycled along to release number 60 which featured tracks including Rhianna’s Diamonds, One Republic’s If I Lose Myself, Rudimental’s Not Giving In and Andy Grammer’s Miss Me. There were a few sprint sections, some intense interval training and easy ride parts. It wasn’t my best or fastest RPM performance but I really put a lot of effort in especially during the last few tracks. My glutes, hips and groin were all starting to feel it so clearly I was still working hard in tonight’s class. http://www.totallylesmills.com/site...

On Tuesday morning, I went to my Flow Yoga class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. I was still feeling a bit sore from yesterday but thankfully yoga is really good for joint mobility and releasing tension so I needed this class today. Instructor Michelle guided us through various poses including Flowing Sequences (Downward Facing Dog, Knee to Nose, Crescent Lunge), Balancing (Eagle pose, Stork pose, Aeroplane pose, Warrior 3) and Inversions (Shoulder Stand, Fish pose).

Michelle spoke about the power of listening, both to yourself and others. This helps to improve your mindfulness skills, mental concentration and quieting the mind. Our meditation today focused on paying attention to the different sounds inside and outside of the group fitness room (the music, Michelle’s voice, your breath, conversations, environmental noises). http://soundmeditation.com/portfoli...

On Wednesday morning, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. I’ve honestly come a long way in the six months I’ve been training with Luke this year. I’ve struggled to find a sense of belonging and acceptance at UFT PLAYgrounds. I’ve struggled with how I’ve felt about myself. I’ve struggled with anxiety, depression, fears, loneliness and overthinking. And now I’ve pushed myself into a much more positive headspace. The physical and mental struggle has definitely been worth it.

Of course that doesn’t mean my mental illness has instantly banished. It just means that I’m able to cope with it better and use strategies to get on top of it. I’m making more of an effort to say hello and break the ice with some of the other trainers. I’m making more of an effort to connect better with Luke during my sessions. I’m learning to be okay with silence, with not having much to say, with making mistakes, with not knowing what I’m doing and most importantly, with being myself.

WARM-UP...Today I started my session by doing 20 Scorpion stretches, 2 rounds of pretzel stretches on each side of the body and 3 rounds of 8 reps single arm kettle bell lifts with leg balance. This was probably the most difficult in terms of co-ordination, body position and keeping my balance but I still managed to finish them.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I did 5 rounds of 8 deadlifts at 70kg. During the warm-up run, I was starting to feel soreness and pinching through my lower back. Past Michael would have suffered and put up with it for fear of rejection. But I knew I had to speak up about it. This was the “potential for injury” kind of pain and thankfully Luke took it seriously. It certainly not something I would lie about nor was it me playing the “poor me” card.

So I ended up doing some foam rolling and additional stretches into my lower back and glutes using the rubber ball and my own body weight. This helped loosen up the tightness in my muscles and when I resumed doing the deadlifts, my lower back felt much better. Initially my form and technique was a little off and I was doing the reps too quickly. However, with some conscious awareness, I managed to improve my deadlifts and make them more controlled. It’s all practice and I’m still proud of my efforts today.

I finished my session off by doing some more foam rolling and a few yoga stretches including Downward Facing Dog and Cobra pose, holding each of these for strength and endurance. https://www.facebook.com/breakawayf...

On Thursday night, I went to my Water Workout class at YMCA Casey RACE in Cranbourne. Arriving a few minutes early, I decided to jump in the spa and use the jets to relieve the tension and soreness in my lower back (plus perve on a few guys because why not :P) before starting the class. Tonight’s class was facilitated by instructor Mary who had a very witty and sarcastic sense of humour.

We did the usual combination of underwater exercises and movements including pendulum, rock n’ roll, jogging, digging and pushing away the water, ski slopes, star jumps and tuck jumps. We also used the dumb bells to do some doggy paddling both forwards and backwards. I’m slowly gaining confidence in this area of swimming and I managed to keep my head above water and kicking my legs fast for power. It felt really good about myself. https://fitness.edu.au/the-fitness-...

On Friday morning, I had my Strength Training session with Luke Davey at Breakaway Fitness in Berwick. My session today was all about having the courage and belief in myself to speak up without fear. I wanted to update my current fitness goals to incorporate some new movements including Snatches and Muscle Ups/Pull Ups. I also wanted to develop and improve upon other movements including Pushups and Box Jumps. Thankfully Luke was very receptive to my suggestions and changing up my program a bit in the future.

WARM-UP...Today’s warm up exercises included my usual Y-stretch into the upper body and shoulders, lying down on the bench with arms extended out behind me. I also did 3 rounds of 10 single arm dumb bell rows at 25kg. This was pretty tough for me particularly when I got to the 8th rep or so. I was fatiguing quickly and struggled to lift the dumb bell all the way up to my armpit. But as always, I did my best and rested when necessary.

DEVELOPMENT...Today I did a dumb bell bench press exercise with two 10kg weights. Getting the movement and technique down was probably the most difficult part but I did improve over time. I’m learning not to get myself easily distracted by external noises as well. Just focus on what you’re doing and stay in the present moment.

WORKOUT...Today’s workout was another really tough one but I decided that I was up for the challenge. I had to do three rounds of the following: 15 cal on the assault bike, 15 ring rows, 15 box jumps and 15 push ups. The last two exercises were the most difficult for me. I do have some anxiety going into the box jumps but at least Luke made the height realistic and achievable. I basically just pretended that my shoes were like rockets and I exploded up onto the box. My fear of tripping over and potentially hurting myself quickly disintegrated. This is exactly how you build confidence and work towards improvement.

The push ups were also really hard but only because my arm muscles were burning a lot from the other exercises. But I do feel like I am getting better at them. In time, I’ll be able to work up to a full push up position but for now, doing them on my knees is more than enough for me. I ended up completing the three rounds in 13 minutes and 40 seconds.

Later that day, I attended the Morning Melodies social function at Waltzing Matilda Hotel in Springvale. Today’s entertainer was Sandie Dodd who played tribute to Dolly Parton. She was dressed up in a 60’s styled blonde wig, a glittering red dress and matching red studded stilettos. She was extremely funny and even pulled out some dance moves and a Dolly-esque Southern accent. She performed many of Dolly’s classic country hits including Silver Threads and Golden Needles, To Daddy, Coat of Many Colours, Here You Come Again, Joellene, Ya’ll Come and 9 to 5. https://www.reverbnation.com/sandie...

On Friday night, I attended the first Full Moon meditation class at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. The staff had spaced out blue and black yoga mats to fill the entire group fitness room with a tealight candle, questionnaire and small purple inspiration card placed down at each mat. Everyone who attended could bring their own blankets, pillows, jumpers and whatever else they needed to make themselves warm and comfortable.

The guided meditation was facilitated by instructor Michelle who also teaches yoga and pilates classes. Part of it was a progressive muscle relaxation, releasing tension, negative emotions and toxins from various areas of the body. The other part was more of a visualisation. The imagery consisted of a Japanese Garden and a temple which we mentally explored during the meditation. I always seem to feel lighter after meditating, especially when it’s done in a group environment.

After tonight, the Full Moon meditation classes will be running every month at Casey Arc and every second Friday at Casey Race. I truly hope that it takes off and brings a lot of members together. http://www.caseyarc.ymca.org.au/eve...

“I’ve gotta stop my mind, working overtime, it’s driving me insane. It will not let me live. Always so negative. It’s become my enemy. And none of these thoughts are real. So why is it that I feel so cut up and so bad? I need to take control ‘cause my mind is on a roll and it isn’t listening to me.” Jem - Save Me (2004)

“Don’t be embarrassed, don’t be afraid. Don’t let your dreams slip away. It's determination and using your gift. Everybody has a gift. Never give up, never let it die. Trust your instincts and most importantly. You’ve got nothing to lose. So just go for it.”                                        Jem - It’s Amazing (2008)

[ismael37olson]

Just Like Our Parents

We started the Out on Broadway series in March 1996, brought it back in August 1996, then created Out on Broadway 2000 (aka OOB2K) four years later. It's weird this many years later to return to this series, and even a few of the same songs. The world was so different back then. As I said in my last blog post, when our first edition opened, Will & Grace hadn't debuted yet. When we did OOB2K, not a single state had legalized marriage equality yet, but the Orwellian "Defense of Marriage Act" had been passed. But we face our share of challenges today, particularly in our cultural adversaries and the politicians who are incapable of feeling empathy for gay Americans until someone in their own family comes out. It seems each edition of our series is a response to a cultural and political moment, and Out on Broadway: The Third Coming is no different. But to connect back to the the impulses that drove us in 1996 and 2000, I went back to my director's notes, and I found lots of value there... March 1996 Gay men and lesbians have been playing straight characters since time began. They've had to sing about a kind of love they never felt, never able (until recently) to sing about the feelings they actually have. Stars like Danny Kaye, Larry Kert, George Rose, Jack Cassidy, and many others never had a chance to explore in their work the issues they faced in their daily lives. Gay or bisexual writers, including Stephen Sondheim, Cole Porter, Jerry Herman, Leonard Bernstein, Noel Coward, Lorenz Hart, Arthur Laurents, Howard Ashman, and so many others have had to “transpose” their feelings in order to write for the characters in their shows. Only a few gay musicals have ever played on Broadway. And though TV and movies are finally accepting gay characters as something more than a punch line, the Broadway musical is much slower to do the same. However, in regional theatres gay issues are being explored in many new musicals by writers like Mark Savage, Linda Eisenstein, Chris Jackson, myself, and others. Two songs from Mark Savage's new musical, The Ballad of Little Mikey will be performed tonight. This spring, an album of songs from gay musicals will be released by AEI Records, including songs from The Ballad of Little Mikey and the gay vampire musical In the Blood, which New Line premiered last season. So tonight we present the history of Broadway musicals the way it should have been. Every song you'll hear tonight was chosen for a reason. “You Have to Be Carefully Taught” was written about racism, but its message against intolerance is as relevant today as ever, as religious extremists demonize gays and lesbians. “In My Own Lifetime” and “Do You Hear the People Sing” are particularly potent, reminding us of the all the work we have to do. “Children Will Listen” is a warning to those political and religious leaders who would promote prejudice and fear instead of understanding. And in this explosive election year, “Our Time” and “Everybody's Got the Right” are no longer just show tunes – they are battle cries. “Everything Possible” is the song we all wish someone had sung to us when we were little, a song that we hope will be sung to children from now on. Very few of these songs were written in the context in which you find them tonight, but I think you'll be surprised at how easily they work this way. The experiences we're exploring tonight are universal. A love song written for a straight couple fits a gay couple no less perfectly: One lyric sums it all up: “They're writing songs of love, but not for me . . .” Well, tonight these songs are for us all. August 1996 Well, here we are, back “Out” at the St. Marcus Theatre. This is the first time New Line has ever done a show a second time. It's the first time we thought a piece was important enough. We decided that if we can reach people this time that we didn't reach the first time, then it's worth doing again. We didn't realize this show was as special as it is until we put it in front of an audience last March. It's the only gay revue I'm aware of that doesn't make fun of gays and also doesn't ask for pity for gays. It's a very proud, brave, and occasionally political look at being gay in America. This is a show that sees gays as regular people, with the same kind of joy and heartache as everyone else, despite their often unique societal obstacles. And I think that's a big part of what made it so incredibly popular the first time around. Only a few gay musicals have ever played on Broadway. And though TV and movies are finally accepting gay characters as something more than a punch line, the Broadway musical is much slower to do the same. However, in regional theatres gay issues are being explored in many new musicals by writers like Mark Savage, Linda Eisenstein, Cindy O'Connor & Larry.Johnson, Chris Jackson, myself, and others. Two songs from Mark Savage's new musical, The Ballad of Little Mikey (which New Line will produce in June 1997) will be performed tonight. We've made some small changes since the last time we were here – a few songs cut, a few added, a few moved. We hope you like the show even better. Very few of these songs were written in the context in which you find them tonight, but I think you'll be surprised at how easily they work this way. Many of the experiences we're exploring are indeed universal. As Congress passes new (possibly un-Constitutional) laws to exclude gays and lesbians from legal marriage, as Bob Dole and his friends work to prevent us from enjoying other equal rights, as national religious leaders misuse and misquote the Bible to demonize us, this is an important lesson for us all to take with us.

March 2000 When we put together the first Out on Broadway in March 1996, we had no idea that there would be such enormous public demand for more performances that we’d have to bring it back in August of that same year. We never thought there’d be a cast album. And we certainly never thought we’d be doing a sequel four years later. But here we are. So much has changed since 1996. Will and Grace is on television every week, getting great ratings, and three more shows with gay lead characters are planned for next season. And for good or bad, gay Americans are every bit as visible as straight Americans on Jerry Springer and the other talk shows. Gay marriage has become one of the top issues in the country, with the Vermont Supreme Court ordering the state legislature to give gay couples equal rights, with Californians voting on a referendum against equal marriage rights for gay couples on March 7, and with the Hawaii gay marriage case still rumbling despite setbacks. In contrast, a study just released says 2.5 million gay Americans are currently in heterosexual marriages. The issue of adoption for gay couples is coming before courts around the country. Anti-gay discrimination in groups like the Boy Scouts is being actively challenged in the courts, and in some cases, is being condemned. As the presidential races heat up, gay issues are on the agenda everywhere you look. Both Al Gore and Bill Bradley are actively courting gay voters. And even the most conservative Republicans are being forced to acknowledge us and address our issues. And yet, Matthew Shepard was brutally murdered in Wyoming just for being gay. Billy Jack Gaither was murdered in Georgia for the same reason. And they’re not the only ones. One of the purposes of the original Out on Broadway was to tell gay teens and closeted gay men and women that it’s okay to be gay, that they can be gay and still be proud of who they are, that being gay is not a sickness. With all the increased visibility for gay Americans, perhaps that’s not as necessary today as it was four years ago. The other purpose of the original show was to demonstrate how alike gay and straight people are, and how alike gay and straight love is. That is still necessary because, even though we are all alike deep down, the world still does not treat us alike. It’s amazing how easy it was for most of these songs, originally written for straight characters, to work in a gay context – but they do, precisely because gay people think and feel most of the same things as their straight friends and families. And that message can’t be spread far enough or fast enough. So enjoy the show. Laugh along with us, cry along with us, but most importantly, remember that we are your brothers and sisters, parents, friends, neighbors, and co-workers. Remember that many of us want to marry. Some of us want to have kids. And all of us want the respect we deserve. So now here we are in 2017. When we did Out on Broadway 2000, we included a mildly militant piece called "Marry Us," and a song actually written for a gay couple called "Just Like Our Parents." This time, our show will have a married gay couple in the cast. We've come a long way, but we've also been set back to some extent. And many of our victories are fragile ones. We still need Out on Broadway. We still need to remind ourselves, our friends and families, and our audiences that we are more alike than different, and that we're each basically following the same Hero Myth story.

This new show is divided into five sections, that vaguely chart a gay man's life. Act I includes "Finding Your Place" and "Finding Love." Act II includes "I Do," "I Thought I Did," and "Now What?" And we are very grateful that Jason Robert Brown has given us the rights to open our show with his new song, "Hope," which he wrote the morning after the 2016 election:

I come to sing a song about hope I'm not inspired much right now, but even so I came out here to sing a song. So here I go I guess I think That if I tinker long enough, one might appear And look! It's here One verse is done The work's begun I come to sing a song about hope In spite of everything ridiculous and sad Though I'm beyond belief depressed, confused and mad Well – I got dressed I underestimated how much that would take I didn't break Until right now I sing of hope And don't know how So maybe I can substitute "strength," Because I'm strong I'm strong enough I got through lots of things I didn't think I could And so did you I know that's true And so we sing a song about hope Though I can't guarantee there's something real behind it I have to try to show my daughters I can find it And so today – When life is crazy and impossible to bear – It must be there Fear never wins That's what I hope See? I said "hope." The work begins

Yes, the work begins again, and our show is part of that work. I hope you can share it with us. Long Live the Musical! Scott from The Bad Boy of Musical Theatre http://newlinetheatre.blogspot.com/2017/07/just-like-our-parents.html