#i’ve had a lot of increasing anxiety about wanting to move to LA in case something happens and me living there would perhaps make me a

[ducktracy]

Are you going to be alright?

if this is in regards to the WB Discovery stuff (since the ask before this in my inbox was asking about that), yeah, i work for Nickelodeon and not WB so i’m not directly affected (at least right now, who knows what could happen in the future—this isn’t just an issue limited to WB) but it’s very heartbreaking and scary watching the work of my friends and colleagues get thrown away into oblivion or uncertain purgatory. yeah i know the stuff that got taken off of HBO Max can be pirated but what about the target audience who’s too young to know how to do that or their parents who are too oblivious? not everyone knows how to do that/that it’s an option to begin with. and don’t even get me started on the projects getting killed in development or finishing up but never seeing the light of day. it‘s an awful awful awful feeling being powerless in your own industry, but i’m hoping this inspires a lot of change and momentum because animation workers and fans alike are pissed off

[ladyfogg]

May I? - 1/?

May I? - 1/?

Fic Summary: Ensign Faith Diaz struggles to hide her mental illness from her fellow shipmates aboard the Enterprise until an intrigued Data goes out of his way to try to understand her behavior. At his insistence, Faith tries to figure out what she's truly passionate about and eventually seeks the professional help she needs. Fic Masterpost.

Fic Rating: NC-17

Pairing: Data/Female OC

Warnings: tw: depression, tw: anxiety, fluff, friends to lovers, eventual smut

A/N: Hey guys! I have this fic posted over on AO3 already but thought I’d post it here as well. Currently there are 12 chapters. This fic is ongoing and while I have a clear arc/story in the works, I haven’t decided when it will end. I’m just kind of going with it. This story has been my support fic throughout this whole fucking quarantine mess and I’ve been having a lot of fun writing it. I’ll be posting all the chapters so far throughout the week. 

It may seem that everyday something happens aboard the Enterprise. It was almost like every week it was an invasion, a messy political shift, a weird time distortion loop, hostile negotiations...the list went on and on. However, in reality, there was a lot of time when nothing happened. When the ship glided through space effortlessly and the crew fell into a steady routine. Occasionally, they stopped at a planet to gather samples or map it. But other than that, all was quiet. 

It was on one of those routine days that Data found himself in Engineering, helping Geordi with several re-calibrations. They were minor modifications the two had wanted to implement for some time yet had not been able to.

All had gone according to plan and they were in the process of completing their work when Geordi stood up straight, a triumphant smile on his face.

"All set," he declared. "The conductors are functioning five-percent higher than normal. We should run a level one diagnostic just to be sure but there shouldn't be any issues."

"I agree. Readings are well within standard parameters," Data concluded, fingers dancing across the console. 

"I asked Diaz to do a manual sweep just to be sure," Geordi said. "I haven't heard from her yet but it doesn't seem like anything is out of place." He tapped his communicator. "La Forge to Ensign Diaz, what's the status of your sweep?"

Geordi waited for a response but one did not come. He tapped his communicator again. "Ensign Diaz, report!"

Nothing.

Data had only known Ensign Diaz in passing but he recalled Geordi's increasing frustration with the new crew member. She did not seem to have the same level of skills as some of her fellow engineers and her behavior had been less than exemplary.

"Where is she?" Geordi muttered. "Computer, locate Ensign Diaz."

" Ensign Diaz is located in Jefferies Tube 42B."

"Now what the hell is she doing in there?" Geordi said with exasperation. "And why isn't she answering?"

Data cocked his head as he ran through all possible scenarios. "I have calculated two hundred and thirty possible reasons for Ensign Diaz's behavior. One, she found a structural issue that she decided to correct. Two, one of the conductors may be showing signs of stress the computer cannot detect. Three—"

"Thanks, Data. I get it," Geordi cut him off. "Well, whatever the reason, I'm going to find out what's going on."

He had barely taken a step away from the console when his own communicator beeped. "Riker to La Forge, meet me in Transporter Room One. Prepare to beam to the planet's surface."

Geordi sighed but responded, "Aye, Commander. On my way."

Data saw Geordi glance in the direction Ensign Diaz had gone. "I am not required on the Bridge until oh-eight hundred hours. I can locate Ensign Diaz for you," he offered.

Geordi looked relieved and gave his best friend a smile. "That'd be great, thanks, Data. I'll be back as soon as I can." He gave him a pat on the back as he walked by. 

Data finished his work a second later before heading to the tubes. He found one of them already open and climbed inside. 

He did not see any signs of the ensign so he proceeded forward. 

"Ensign Diaz?" he called, his voice echoing off the metallic walks around him. 

He came across her communicator a short distance away, sitting at the bottom of a ladder. Frowning, Data picked it up and examined it. It did not look damaged and a quick diagnostic revealed it was in working order. He continued his search.

When he climbed the ladder, he was met with the sight of Ensign Diaz, deeply engrossed in one of the panels on the wall.

"Ensign Diaz?" he asked.

She spun around in surprise. Once she realized who spoke, she tried to straighten up, though it was difficult in such a tight space. 

"Commander Data! What are you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same question." Data held up her communicator. "I found this in the shaft behind us. I believe it is yours."

Diaz touched the spot on her uniform where it should have been as if she had not known it was missing.

"Thank you. It must have slipped off when I was climbing." She took it from him, pinning it back in place.

"Why are you in the tubes? Commander La Forge asked me to find you. He said you were told to do a manual sweep."

"I was a-and I did," Diaz stuttered, tucking a loose strand of dark hair back into her braid. "While I was doing so, I noticed one of the panels was out of alignment. Physically. I-I tried to correct it. It wouldn't budge so I decided to try to get it from the other side."

"I see." Data moved forward to check her work. Sure enough, he could see where the unit was off-center. "Most curious. That should not be possible."

"That's what I thought. But I can't seem to get it back into place." 

Data knew what was going to happen before it did. Yet even with his quick reflexes, he was not able to prevent the accident. 

Diaz did not have a proper grip on the part when she tugged on it. She had been perspiring and as a result, her hands slipped. The momentum sent her forward, where she smashed her head on the metal edge of the unit.

She screamed in pain, hand pressed to the spot as Data pulled her away. "Son of a bitch!" she exclaimed.

"Are you alright?" Data asked.

"Aside from seeing stars, I think so. Let's just fix the stupid thing and get out of here."

"I will handle it." Data carefully released Diaz, letting her rest against the tube wall while he took her place. Within seconds he fixed the situation, securing the unit into its proper position before determining it was in perfect working condition.

"My readings indicate everything is in working order," he said as he moved his tricorder over the unit. "Good work, Ensign."

"Thanks," Diaz said, removing her hand from her head.

Data looked at her, only to realize her forehead was smeared with blood.

"Ensign Diaz, you are bleeding."

"What? No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. I believe you injured yourself when you hit your head."

"It's not that…" She looked at her hand, the color draining from her face when she saw blood on her palm. "...bad."

Data put his recorder in his pocket and made a move to tap his communicator but she stopped him. 

"No, wait! Don't!"

"Ensign, you are bleeding. I must contact sickbay."

"Honestly, I'm okay. I just need something to wipe up the blood. I'll be fine."

"I insist."

Diaz sighed and Data noted her eyes looked glossy. He wondered if the injury was more severe than she was letting on. 

"Let's at least get out of this stupid tube," she said. "I promise I'll walk there myself."

"That would be acceptable. As a precaution, I will accompany you to Dr. Crusher."

He motioned for her to move ahead and the pair began to backtrack. It was slow work as Diaz was careful not to leave a trail of bloody handprints in their path. When it came time to climb the ladder, Data insisted on going first so he could monitor her in case she needed help. 

He kept his eyes on Diaz, looking for any signs of distress while she descended. He noted her balance was unsteady. She rocked slightly and had to pause several times. During one of those times, she shut her eyes, arms wrapped around the rung in front of her.

"Ensign Diaz—"

"Please, call me, Faith. I never liked formal titles very much."

"As you wish. Faith, are you experiencing dizziness?"

"Sir, I'm fine."

Data found himself making a noise of disbelief. "No. You are not."

Faith cracked her eyes open, glancing down at him and Data saw her arms trembling as she tried to keep herself up. "Commander?"

"Yes?"

"I think I might pass out."

Her eyes rolled back in her head and her grip loosened, sending her tumbling off the ladder. For the second time, Data caught her in his arms. Quickly he tapped his communicator.

"Data to Transporter Room Two. I need immediate transport for two to sickbay. Current location Jefferies Tube 42B."

"Aye, Commander!" O'Brien's voice answered. "I'll have you there in a jiff."

A second later, Data found himself standing in the middle of sickbay, Faith's limp body in his arms. Dr. Crusher whirled around, eyes widening when she saw them.

In an instant she was at their side, scanning Faith. "What happened?" she demanded.

"Faith hit her head. She became weak and lost consciousness."

"How long ago?"

"The injury took place approximately ten minutes ago. She has been unconscious for thirty seconds."

"Data, get her up on the bed for me."

As he carried her across the room, her eyes fluttered open.

"Ugh, where am I?"

"You are in sickbay," he answered, gently lowering her down onto one of the beds.

"What happened?"

"Do you not remember hitting your head?"

Faith's eyes closed and she swallowed thickly, her head lolling from side to side. "It's all fuzzy." She grew still again.

"Faith? It's Dr. Crusher. I need you to open your eyes again. Can you do that for me?" When there was no answer, Beverly injected Faith with something while handing Data a towel. "Data, press this to her wound while I get my dermal regenerator. We have to stop the bleeding."

"Yes, Doctor."

Data did as he was told, pushing Faith's bangs back from her face so he could see the wound properly. It was deeper than he initially noticed. He pressed the towel to it, noting how much paler she had become in such a short period of time.

Beverly reappeared a moment later. He stepped aside so she could work, watching with rapt attention as she peeled the towel away before spraying the wound with antibacterial ointment. Once it was clean, she carefully sealed up the wound, leaving nothing but smeared blood in its place.

"That's done at least," she muttered to herself. She picked up her tricorder and resumed scanning the young woman.

"Will Faith be alright, Doctor?"

"She should be. According to my readings, she has a concussion. I recommend she be taken off duty for the time being."

"A smart recommendation."

Beverly finished scanning Faith, but this time her mouth deepened into a frown. "Hmm…" She scanned her again.

"Is something wrong?" Data asked.

It took a moment for the doctor to acknowledge his question. When she did, Beverly gave him a tight smile. "Nothing you need to worry about. Thank you for your help, Data. I can take it from here. You're free to go."

"I have already created a formal report of the accident. I will send it to you now for your records."

"That'd be great, thanks. And I'll let Geordi know not to expect Faith for a few days."

"Excellent. Have a good day, Doctor."

Data took his leave, but something came over him and made him pause, turning to look back. Faith was still unconscious and Dr. Crusher was staring at her as if deep in thought. Her expression was one Data had come to associate with that of concern.

However, he had duties to attend to. So he left sickbay and filed the incident for later review.

[marquiswrites]

White Christmas

Fandom: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)

Characters: James “Bucky” Barnes, Reader, Tony Stark [Guest Appearance]

Relationship: James “Bucky” Barnes/Reader,

Rating: Teen

Word Count: 1535

Warnings: FLUFF, small language

Author’s Notes: Written for @mypassionsarenysins for their  #mypassionsarenysins1k challenge! My prompt was “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby. This was super fun to write and gave me a chance at some sweet sweet fluff to balance out my usual Angst and Mystery categories. I hope that you enjoy! [also, nothing against Las Vegas for the people who live there, but I too live in a desert, and no snow on xmas is a sucky tradition]

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One hundred and ninety four days.  

That’s how long you and Bucky had been undercover in Las Vegas. Trying to catch out a Hydra base that was somewhere in this miserable desert. It was far too cold for the fact that there was absolutely not a single snowflake in sight. 

You pouted once more, leaning over the balcony of the hotel suite that they had put the both of you in. Under the guise of foreman overseeing the construction of yet another Casino and hotel. It gave you both reason enough to be in the city for as long as you had been, and to chat up the other managers and foreman. But you had made little to no headway on figuring out whether the intel was good. 

And now here you both were, on Christmas eve, in weather more suited to fall or even late summer. Clear and dry.

After so long on the east coast, or even the occasional trips to Europe, it was depressing. To put it plainly. And to make it all worse, you were with the one Avenger who couldn’t stand to be around you for more than a few minutes at a time if you weren’t actively working. 

You and Bucky made a good team, Natasha’s training had helped you to come far in hand to hand combat since your first days with the team; and your enhanced ability made Bucky an absolute force of nature, strength and endurance expanded even past the capabilities of the super soldier serum, with absolutely no side effect due to the increased healing component. You worked well together, and your histories with Hydra helped you to understand each other on a level that none of the rest of the team shared. 

But he also absolutely refused to acknowledge your existence half the time. Maybe it was because he was finally regaining memories, maybe because it was of the fact that you had grown up a Hydra Princess for the first half of your childhood, privileged compared to how he was tortured. Likely it was just because that was how he was. Reticent with most of the crew, except for Sam and Steve. 

And you were so desperately in love with him that it hurt. Sending flutters through your chest every time your gazes met. Your mouth ran dry with his every smile, though it was usually saved for when you were actively on the job, a facade, no matter how real it looked.

Now you were stuck with each other on Christmas. 

Happy holidays to you.

You tucked your hand against your cheek. Sighing to yourself once more as you watched the lights of the Strip. You were far enough away that the noise fell away across the desert, so much quieter than anything that you were used to. 

Which made it worse that you didn’t realize Bucky had joined you on the deck until he was clearing his throat. “If you want, you can always go and do somethin’. I’m not about to make you miss christmas just cause Stevie’s got a stick up his ass about this case.”

Jumping out of your skin, you whipped around to find Bucky leaning against the open sliding glass door. Shirtless. 

Which made you lose all ability to form words until it was almost too awkward to pick the conversation back up. 

“You alright there, killer?” A raised brow suddenly brought you back to your senses. 

“Uh yeah… just got caught up in my head.” Lifting a hand to rub at the back of your neck, shrugging slightly while you flicked your tongue against your lips. “But… what do you mean?”

Bucky chuckled softly, running a hand through his hair to push it back from his face. Possibly the most distracting habit that he had, well, the second most distracting at any case. “I mean if you got plans for the holiday. Go and catch a show. Get some drinks. Ice skate. Don’t have to be cooped up in here with me the whole time. Sad way to spend christmas, Doll.”

“I don’t mind. I mean… Everything is probably packed anyways, and there’s no snow or anything. Doesn’t really feel like Christmas, you know?” Shrugging once more as your gaze dropped. Missing the way that Bucky frowned at you. 

“Yeah, guess that’s right. I’ll leave you to it then.” Bucky pushed himself off of the door jam, turning back inside. Leaving you with a growing pit in your chest. That niggling of anxiety that you tried to ignore most of the time. Resigning yourself to spending the rest of your evening out here, avoiding him in the hopes of keeping you from making a fool out of yourself. 

It was quickly approaching midnight as you finally pushed off from the balcony, shuffling your way back inside the hotel room. Trying to keep quiet so you didn’t wake Bucky. 

The only reason that you stayed out this long was to try outlasting the man’s seemingly incurable insomnia. Making it to the door of your room, pulling it open just to freeze as you caught sight of Bucky sitting on the edge of your bed. “You’re up late.”

You wet your lips and huff a laugh. “Says the man who never sleeps.”

“Did enough of that in Cryo. Come on, have something I want you to see.” Bucky stood, offering you your heaviest jacket and a pair of boots. Leaving you tilting your head up to him in confusion. 

“Umm… I mean…”

“Doll, trust me.”

You wanted to tell him that you trusted him with your life, but those weren’t words that you said to people who couldn’t stand your company for more than five minutes. Instead just nodding dumbly. Slipping your feet into the boots, and the jacket over your arms. Watching as Bucky pulled out a blindfold, then swallowing tightly as he tied it around your eyes. “We’ll be there in just a few moments.”

It certainly felt like more than a few moments before you felt the car stopping. Listening for the opening of Bucky’s door, then the way it shut. Your own door opening, with a hand reaching gently from yours to lead you from it. 

“I hope you know how very kidnappy this feels.”

“Don’t worry, Doll, if this is kidnapping, it’s the gentlest I’ve ever done.”

“Buck… That really, really doesn’t ease any of my concerns.” You manage to laugh as he guides you through what you are assuming in a parking lot. Ears straining as you caught the unlatching of a door, lifting a hand to feel the edge of it to confirm your thoughts. 

“Smart, Doll, but stop cheating.” The warm laugh comes once more, bringing a heat to your cheeks. Warm in comparison to the sudden chill creeping along your skin. No wonder that he had  wanted you to wear the coat. Your brow furrowing in confusion. Then wetting your lips as he moved to untie the knot at the back of your head, gently pulling the cloth from your eyes. 

When you open your eyes, you can feel your breath catch in your throat. You heart skipping several beats as you stare out at the ice rink. Completely covered in snow from a machine blowing it in from one corner of the room. “But… how?”

“Made a call to Stark.” You can feel him shrug from where he stands just behind you, close enough to feel the warmth radiating from his body. Sending chills up your spine. 

“But… why?”

“Because you deserve a White Christmas, Doll. And if I can do that for you, even if just for this one night, then I’m damn well gonna make it happen.” 

In a sudden flurry of emotion, you twist on your toes, wrapping your arms around his neck. Your lips finding his in a desperate sort of gentleness, not caring how he might pull away at any second. Not caring that this might ruin any hope of him reciprocating those feelings. Just needing to express how much it meant that he would do this for you. 

And then slowly melting in his arms as he met your kiss in return. A hand moving to cup the back of your head while his free arm slipped around your waist. Cradling you in place against him. Keeping you there, lips gently sliding across yours, for what felt like an eternity before he was pulling back to grin almost shyly. 

“Well… if I had known it only took a bit of snow for you to notice me…”

You blink up at him before your forehead thuds against his shoulder. “We’re such idiots…”

“Yeah you both are, now get out there and enjoy the snow before they have to open this back up to the public. And turn off your coms next time old man.” Stark’s voice suddenly rings out across the loudspeaker system as a spotlight lands on you both. Leaving you and Bucky to both groan with embarrassment before bursting into a quiet sort of laughter. Bing Crosby’s classics gently filtering through the air as your gaze meets Bucky’s once more. 

“Come on, Doll, let’s go enjoy our white christmas. Together.”

[schoe1995]

Solo Traveling

I’ll first start off by saying and acknowledging that I do come from a well household. My mom runs her own dry cleaners and my dad works at a hospital for computer programming. Wasn’t like that always. In elementary school, I had classmates leave school to go on vacation. Super jealous that they went because I hated being in school 🤣🤣🤣 so the few times I could go on vacation was during like the major breaks or holidays. As I got older and family tensions increased, i began traveling with other people. Let’s just say after a series of not knowing other people’s personalities, cliques, and plus ones....I called it quits with group traveling. It’s a huge part of why my extroverted personality changed to more of an introvert/ extrovert. Since I have my own money, why not travel by myself.

I’ll talk about the cons of traveling solo first.

It can be very expensive: even if you do go with a group...be prepared to shell out a couple of dollars depending on where your going, staying, and activities

Have to be more aware of the surroundings: there has been a couple of times I’ve been exhausted because I was trying to be more aware of what’s going on. I have to watch my own back without relaying on somebody.

It can be scary: not going to lie...the day of trips I get really bad anxiety that I kinda want to throw up. Scratch that, I have thrown up. For example, when I went to D.C, I wasn’t worried about Lyft or Uber because my big bro was picking me up. However other airports....I have no idea where lyft or Uber would pick me up. Certain airports like O’Hare Chicago airport has two levels. One is for traditional friend/ family pick up. The other level is for rideshares. Ever since that mess I decided to look up airports ahead of time and look at maps for where to find the designated area. Helps a lot of stress out.

Benefits of solo traveling

Lollllll there wasn’t a whole lot of cons. Granted not everyone is going to have the same experience as me. So this is all from my personal experience.

Planning can be fun: When you travel alone, YOU are in charge of everything. I’m every pop culture orientated so I’m looking for the best spots for photos, food, shopping, etc. it’s the millennial (probably spelled it wrong) in me.

Moving at my own pace: so this was the best part for me. I’m a huge theme park junky! When I went to Orlando with my parents back in 2017 we did Disney World all in one day. Yes it can be possible to visit all 4 parks in one day😂 but that trip in general had the most arguments I had with my mom. She basically complained about all the walking we had to do. Also couldn’t watch fireworks. Everything was so rushed that back in 2019, I did a redo Disney World trip. Oh! I’ll definitely be doing a multi part blog for that. So when you travel by yourself you don’t have to deal with “I don’t want to do this!” “Why we going here?” Less arguments...PERIODT

Moving at your own time: this kinda goes with your own pace. I’m a huge HUGE be on time person. One of my sayings is “If your early, ya on time. If your on time, ya late. If your late...don’t bother showing up”. It’s one of my biggest pet peeves when people aren’t on time. Idk if it’s just Asians but Asian people AINT NEVER ON TIME FOR ANYTHING! So you have free reign with time.

Flexibility: This was one of the things I found super awesome when it came to solo trips. My schedule to travel had so much flexibility. And since I was working in retail, I could do what I want...per say. If my days weren’t approved I’d still go on this trip🤣 but I found traveling during the off season for holidays or non busy or non important seasons were a lot cheaper. That’s what I kinda wanted to make up for; not being able to travel when I was younger and leaving school to go 🤣 now that I can...✌️

No cliques: personality wise, I describe myself as a walking tv show. So picture every Disney show, Nickelodeon, and VH1 reality shows all in one person. I really don’t fit into a mold so I call it an outsider habit. I thought I’d get super lonely when traveling alone but oddly...I’m more comfortable with it. There is this no judgement zone when traveling alone. When I went to Universal Studio with my parents, it was “why do you want to buy this” or “how old are you?” First of all...you can never be too old of anything:) This might be a con for others, so it all depends🤷‍♂️ besides with technology I’m able to FaceTime, Live Stream, record things I want others to see. Ha! This is what this blog is for!

In no way shape or form am I throwing shade to group trips. I call those experiences that helped shape my travel knowledge. I’m always grateful for that. But the couple solo travel tips I’ll give is this.

Research! I can’t stress this enough. Knowing where you are going can save so much hassle. If your traveling internationally know where your country embassy is just in case. Second, the culture of the city or country. Being knowledgeable can help avoid any cultural ignorance, stereotypes.

Flights: alright flights can be very touchy subject. I usually find great deals with Southwest when they offer sales. Sometimes buying two - one way tickets is cheaper than round trip. They also offer two free checked bags, one carry one, and one personal items. If Southwest is a little out of your budget, don’t worry! Other airlines have great prices. I use Google Flights.

Train: if your destination is a couple hours away, I’d suggest taking Amtrak. Believe it or not Amtrak depending on what city you go too have awesome deals. If you follow them on Instagram they have beautiful photos of scenic railways. When I was younger I had a huge obsession with trains. I had every train from Thomas The Tank Engine. 😂 anyways, trains also have dining cars, and sleeping cars. Some have observation decks so you can do a 360* of the surroundings

Car: I put this last for transportation. Believe it or not, traveling by car may sound cost efficient but it’s really not. Just from my personal experience from driving to Branson Missouri, Tennessee, Chicago. There is gas you have to pay and hotels can charge a ridiculous amount for overnight parking x the amount of nights your staying. WHEW CHILEEEE THE MESS!

Hotels & location: This is the boujee side of me. I like to be comfortable after a day of riding rides or exploring. Just being able to act like this is my home for the time being. I usually use Bookings.com, Trivago.com, etc. to find the best one. Use filters if you need to find exactly what you need. When I travel to concerts, I try finding hotels close to the venue. That way I’m not paying extra for lyft, Uber, or taxis. BTW, don’t ever take taxis after concerts. Such a rip off...idk if there is a law that prevents them for jacking up their prices.

Air BnB’s: So I found this to be half and half. Sometimes it’s less expensive sometimes...not so much. Air BnB is pretty much either paying for a room or whole house for a certain amount of days. My big bro introduced me to it when we went to LA. I used it on my road trip to LA with a “friend” who is no longer a friend. But it was more of other situations I don’t really use. Honestly after seeing videos of how people were being racist to other guests, that was a major turn off to me. Second I had a friend who posted a conversation of a Air BnB host who tried to play her. Yes the app does have host ratings and reviews but there are so many fees and rules that it’s like, I might as well pay for the hotel. Again it’s totally up to you but staying at a random strangers house....Issa no dawg if I’m traveling by myself.

BUDGETING IS CRUCIAL!! Anytime I go anywhere I budget how much I’m spending. So with that being said, I get all information from attractions I want to go see, restaurants, ride share, everything. You don’t have to be so exact like me but it certainly helps me to know exactly how much I’m spending. Lol

Oh!!!! Sign up for reward programs at any restaurant you eat, shops you shop, or hotels! I do it all the time because for a lot of reward programs just by signing up you get a freebie. So why not take advantage of it.

So I wrote this blog up at like 5:30AM in the morning 🤣🤣🤣😭 I know I’m in for a struggle. But I decided to do this blog post because I was just going through my social media of all the travels I did. I really hope it does help you guys out a lot.

[gendermesenpai-blog]

7:38am

welp

I’m actually doing pretty ok right now. I cut back on weed again. I’m not buying flower for a while. I’m probably going to work on getting some wax at some point but I’m doing ok right now. Uber has really been helping in terms of just having enough to eat a little bit everyday. I do wish I was eating more but c’est la vie. I just did some math and figured out how much money I will make before I leave for Europe. It’s just under $8000. Rent will be around $2000 in that time. Food expenses around $750. Wax could be as much as $1000 in that time. But at the end of the day I should be able to put away around $4000 if I am very dilligent about my spending. Obviously this doesn’t take into account various messwork related expenses which are difficult to predict - I could say that one gatorskin per month would leave me with about $300 less. But that’s not really worth considering since it will probably be much more than that, because tires are not the only expense in messwork. I am still planning on buying some more bike parts and that might run me up to $300 just on seatpost, stem and bars. Maybe a new fork since this Bontrager carbon fork is making me a little nervous lately from flexing. I do put a lot of hurt on my bike. It’s within reason that a cheap carbon fork (retail around $100) might weaken and snap from the constant daily pressure I’ve been putting on it. It was super stiff when I got it though since whoever rode this bike before me was probably just commuting ~1mi. And here I am putting in average of 30mi/day on it. It’s also all scratched up, might be worth upgrading just for the steez.

I’m feeling pretty good about my transition despite the fact I am 5 months in and still not as femme as I would like. It’s slow going, but progress is certainly being made. Thinking back on when my lil titty bumps started coming in and how it suddenly felt like there was this golfball sized lump in there. And now it’s advanced to, like.... half a apple? Like a small apple cut in half. So surreal! My face still looks kinda the same in the mirror, like it’s just kinda stuck in this halfway zone between masc and femme. My waist is tightening, I’m starting to get more of the buckled hourglass shape around my abdomen. And I sense some growth in my butt. Not sure how much. Difficult to measure that since I can’t easily see it and also because I’m not really measuring anything in this whole process. Emotionally I actually feel better on average since I’ve started cutting down on weed. I was so worried that if I sobered up I would start regretting stuff but no actually I just feel normal and good. When I looked in the mirror this morning I was like ooooh Hi. lol. I’m making enough progress that I think I can feel proud now of how far I’ve come.

Haven’t really been making much music. Just a couple beats here and there, a few bars if I think of something I like. This is something I think the weed was helping with for sure - I wrote literally every song on the LTC EP while I was high out of my mind, and drunk too in some cases. I am still so embarassed about the show I did. That kinda put the brakes on my creative output because I am too self conscious about it now. But I sense that it’s fading and I will probably end up back where I was at some point once I get over the hump from that setback.

When the muscle loss initially started I felt like the muscles were the same size, they just didn’t work the same anymore, didn’t recover as quickly etc. Now, the muscles are visibly and noticeably smaller. I had a pair of men’s pants that I bought when I went out to dinner with my brother in January, just before I started hormones. I remember those jeans being so tight on my quads that it was actually uncomfortable to wear them at all, let alone ride my bike in them with my muscles actually flexing. The other day I wore them out for a couple Uber runs and I noticed how loose they were on my quads. So weird because in the 5 months since I started hormones, I have only increased my output. I went from only working 3-4 days a week for Epic, some days doing as little as 15 miles, laying around being a poop the rest of the time, to now doing on average a minimum of 25-30 miles a day, everyday, including weekends, and sometimes as much as 40-50. So while my muscles appear to be shrinking and becoming weaker, I am actually somehow, paradoxically, becoming stronger. Yesterday my Strava said I got PRs on two segments that are actually kinda tough, one is a long section of flats downtown where the wind is almost always murder. It was brutal yesterday, and I remember crawling along, huffing and puffing and feeling sorry for myself about how weak I am now or whatever, and when I exited the section I remember being like, jesus, how is nobody noticing how slow I am these days? I can’t even ride with the other messengers anymore, blah blah. And then I check my Strava and it’s like, oh, no, actually you got a PR there. That was the fastest you’ve ever done that segment, by a good few seconds too. So, it’s like, I am still fast as shit, actually faster than before, but somehow it just feels like I’m not. It feels like I have to work super hard to get anywhere, and I’m always heaving and panting every time I arrive to my destination. But I get there fast as fuck and that’s what really matters as a messenger. So I guess I don’t have much to worry about there. My spiro dose went up to 100mg/day this month from 50 and there was initially what felt like a big drop off in terms of muscle function. But it’s really all good. I just worry too much I guess. But things are going well! It feels like I’m approaching the halfway mark in my transformation into an anime girl. Probably not really the case, it’s been slow going all along so I should expect the halfway point to be 1 year, and complete-ish around 2 years. But instead I’m like, nooo, I’ll be transformed by 1 year, the journey will be over! Unrealistic. But exciting.

I don’t even know what else to say about it. I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’m more functional than I’ve ever been. I have actual plans and goals. I’m living in a really nice house. I have a decent enough job. It’s just so weird when I actively think about how all this is working out. Considering 2-3 years ago I had no fucking idea I was trans. I was just barely working out that there was something going on with my gender shit but I had no idea I was fully gril. And now I’m like, um, excuse me sweetie *sashay away*

The other night I talked to C on Skype and at one point I kind of randomly started using my voice and talking about how I should practice more and it sounds bad because I don’t practice. And I was like halfway through the second sentence when she realized what I was doing and her eyes went all wide and she squealed. And her being excited made me excited haha and now I want to practice it more. It’s tough though, it’s a tough thing. I want to work on it but it can feel a bit silly at times, like I’m performing somehow. It will take some time to get away from that feeling so that I can appreciate the truth which is that the boy voice was the real performance all along. My natural speaking voice is, and it’s hard to admit this I guess, but it has what some people would refer to as a gay affectation to it. And I’ve always just sort of hidden it away. No one has ever really heard me speak naturally. I have always been acting. Since I begun my transition, I’ve been letting more of it out in daily speech. Little bit of vocal fry here and there, little bit of valley girl twang. No one seems to really notice or care. 

It rained all week last week and I felt like shit for days. Today it’s supposed to rain again and I’m like ugh. Enough with the sky water please. But in any case I feel pretty good. Oh, I’ve started up a new character on Skyrim! Trying out Skyrim Special Edition. They ported the game to 64 bit so it runs way better now than the original PC version did. I waited like a whole year since this new version came out so that the modders could move everything over. It’s pretty fun actually. So often I find myself unable to enjoy a game because it feels pointless. But in this case I am kind of just using it as a distraction from my other addiction issues. And it’s working well. I’ve been watching all these lore videos on youtube and it’s got me excited about TES universe and finding various secrets and things that I never knew about before. I’ve probably put like a thousand hours or more into Skyrim over the years and there is somehow still stuff in the game that I haven’t seen. Literally within like an hour of starting the new game I discovered a dungeon I had never seen before with a unique item reward I didn’t even know existed. My character is a femme Breton mage who I named Simone after Simone de Beauvoir. Mostly pure mage but some archery and stealth as well. Usually when I roll mages I end up spec’ing Battlemage or Spellsword but this time I want to try to do full mage with no armor or hand to hand weapons at all. In all this time I’ve spent in Skyrim I never bothered to have my mage characters learn armor spells or wards. There is a new mod that adds a bunch of new lore-friendly spells including proximity runes that you can set as traps, I haven’t even tried them yet and I’m already excited about how that will change my play style. I’ve been playing from the time I get home til around midnight for the last 2 nights. Helps keep my mind off drinking and smoking and keeps me away from the roommates so I don’t do or say anything stupid that could affect their perception of me. Cus that’s a whole thing I have to worry about yayyy. The other night I was drinking with N and somehow she got me like confessing about how I smoke so much because of my social anxiety and shit and she was like “really???? oh that’s so interesting” smh and I think she really meant that, what a weirdo. I almost came out to her right there haha. Like, oh you think that’s something? Wait til you hear what I’ve done to my endocrine system...

Ok gotta shave and stuff and get ready to go. *sashayyyyy away*

EDIT: Oh shit, bossman just texted me and said to stay home! FUCK YES SKYRIM ALL DAY OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG