#i’ve taken an ativan every night this week bc of all this

[voulezloux]

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[captainimprobable]

This photo popped up on my Facebook memories and I nearly lost my gd mind.  Everything under the cut is depressing so don’t click if you don’t wanna be bummed out

This is from Mother’s day, May 10th, 2015.  At this point I had been breaking down every night for a month, taking Ativan like it was candy, because lower doses stopped working since I took them so often.  I dropped out of college during finals week instead of just waiting for the semester to be over because I didn’t know if I could make it through another week. 3 days after this picture was taken, I checked myself into the hospital.  It was a planned check in, preemptively done so it wouldn’t come to a place where it would be an emergency.  I stayed for about a week, and when I got out I wasn’t cured or anything, but it had been the restart I needed to start working to get better. 2015 was the Year From Hell for my me and my family. (So far, it’s still beating 2020. Like. That many bad things happened in 2015.)

I spent most of my recovery alone, aside from my mother.  I had friends, that I loved and who I knew loved me, but when someone is going through something difficult and you don’t know what to say, sometimes you just say nothing at all.  Not to mention I kept all this very very quiet.  On the outside I looked fine.  I’ve been told by many, many therapists that  I’m the only patient they’ve ever had who can fool them into thinking things are great even if I’m wildly depressed, and my friends weren’t trained, so. Nobody really knew. I’ve been working my ass off for five years.  A year after this picture was taken, I graduated college.  By the end of that year I got my first job.  It took me a long long time to get to a place where I thought I could actually, maybe be a real person.  I was finally planning to start my career, which was going to lead to me moving out. I was finally, FINALLY, after 7 years of trying and failing, going to travel to japan. And then Covid happened.  And here I am, five years to the day later, feeling the same things I felt then, completely rewinded, like the past five years just haven’t happened.  We’re back, babes!!!!!! We’ve returned to the Shit Zone, no feeling good allowed!!!!  We’re back to having to take everything minute by minute, sleeping a lot and popping that Ativan again because I can’t stop crying. I’m fucked, my dudes.  Every year I’m so proud of how much progress I’ve made since May 13th, 2015. But right now all I see is the same pattern, the skipping work, the spontaneous sobbing mixed with being Totally Okay Somehow for a few days, and I’m alone again, because quarantine means nobody knows when we’re all gonna see each other again.  On top of that, i have nothing to look forward to since cons are cancelled.  Cons were basically the only thing I had..which I guess is shitty and lame, but it gave me an outlet, it was a place where I could be super gay and not worry about where I am, I was surrounded by people like me and not here, in my religious town, where nobody is like me.  (I am the Queen of the Drama Queens. Wow.) So all I see in front of me is the same thing, nothing, forever.  But hey the smores frapp comes out in two weeks!!!! Thank god.  I dont know what I would do without the smores frapp. (This is serious. Im not being sarcastic.  That shit is GOOD) Posting this is incredibly embarrassing for me because I’m not usually this open when something is wrong, but this picture popped up at an exact moment I was freaking out about something and I just had to do something.  So now, on top of everything, I’m severely embarrassed and I feel about three inches tall. Hi up there guys!!!! Things are great down here, I’ve managed to corral a spider and now I have a way of getting around without walking everywhere, so that’s rad.  Sorry if you think less of me. Surpriiiiiise Ive been a loser all along!!! I’m used to being vented to but the other way around...doesnt.....make sense??? Like, this feels illegal.  Was this too much information? I straight up Do Not Know. Anyway, thanks to the few people who know I’m losing my mind and have helped. Also I’m totally safe yall, that’s not something you need to worry about, I promise. idk wtf this post is for. actually. i might delete it like. soon. bc this feels Wrong and like Im crying for attention and i am a small helpless child. And Im not. But. Ill see. God this is bad if people see this they’re gonna think less of me but Im supposed to be this big advocate for mental illness on facebook, so I wanted to be honest, but I couldn’t get myself to post it on facebook so I’m putting it here and. Idk.  Sorry.