#i feel like i’m burdening my friends by telling them the shit my dad did to me

[voulezloux]

.

[sarahsmi13s]

Told Them (pt 1)

pairing: jake ‘hangman’ seresin x wife!reader

characters: jake seresin, y/n seresin, grayson seresin, kennedy seresin, dagger squad, penny benjamin

warnings: third person pov, she/her pronouns used, domestic hangman, grayson feels like a burden bc of his injuries, i believe that’s it

word count: ~2.9k

a/n: 3/3 (1/3) okay so I know i said this was supposed to be 3 parts but had i done this last part all at once it would have been unproportional: 3.4k (part 1), 2.9k (part 2) and then 9.4k (part 3)

soooo i broke part three up into 3 parts 

lightly proof-read

part 3 summary: after nearly losing his son, jake decides to tell the team about his family and invites them to his home for a cookout

part 3.1 summary: the morning of the cookout and the seresins are getting ready

pt 1  pt 2  pt 3.2  pt 3.3

*******

Saturday was finally here, and Y/N was stressing out over everything.

“Kenni, did you pick your toys up out of the backyard?” She asked as she moved around the kitchen. “Yes, Mama.” “Did you get your toys out of the living room?” “Yes, Mama.” “Did you put them away, away?” Nothing. “Kennedy, did you put your toys away?” “I put them in my room.” Y/N shrugged, “Good enough for now. They won’t go in there.”

“Y/N, Sweetheart, slow down. It’s not even ten o’clock yet. People won’t show up until three.” 

Turning to Jake, Y/N threw her dusting rag at him, “Doesn’t mean I can’t make sure the house is clean.” He laughs with a shake of his head and throws the rag back at her, “Whatever you say.”

Grayson’s voice cut through the morning cartoon his sister was watching, “Dad!” “Yeah?” “Could you bring me a water?” Jake turns to the fridge, grabbing a cold bottle out of it, “Be there in a second!” “Kay, thank you!”

ake placed the cold bottle on the back of his wife’s neck. “Jacob!” He chuckled, “Let me get this to Grayson and then I’ll help.” “Thank you, Honey.” “Of course.”

*******

After Y/N and Jake cleaned the kitchen, living room, downstairs bathroom, and picked up the backyard they got the kids ready.

Now yes, Grayson was 16 but he also just got home from the hospital and needed someone just in case.

“Ken, do you have an outfit picked out to meet Daddy’s friends?” Y/N asked, walking into the living room from outside. She shook her head. Y/N nodded, “That’s okay. Do you want to pick it out yourself, do you want Mama and Daddy to help you pick, or do you want Mama to pick?” “Can you and Daddy help me pick? I want them to like it.” “Princess, they’re gonna love it. They saw a photo of you the other day and they can’t wait to meet you,” Jake said as he squatted in front of her.

“I’m right here, Dad,” Grayson teased. Jake rolled his eyes playfully, “They can’t wait to meet you either kiddo.”

Y/N looked between her son and her husband. “Hey, Kenni, why don’t you go up and pick out three pairs of bottoms and three shirts? Daddy and I will be up in a minute.” The five year old nodded and happily ran up the stairs on all fours. Y/N shook her head laughing, “That girl…” “She’s your daughter, for sure.”

“Grayson, did you pick something out or were you just gonna wing it about thirty minutes before?” Grayson sighed, “Mama, my clothes are upstairs. I can’t go upstairs. But I do have an outfit in mind.” 

Y/N nodded, “Okay. Well let us get Ken sorted out and then will get your clothes for you okay, just send me the clothes you want.” He nodded, “Okay.” “Change the channel if you want,” Jake said when he stood up.

Both Y/N and Jake headed up the stairs.

“Do they know?” Y/N asked when they got to the top of the stairs. Sighing, he shook his head, “No, but I wasn’t gonna tell them without you.” She nodded, “Okay, do they even know he’s 16?” Jake shook his head, “I’m honestly not sure how old they think he is.” Y/N let out a shaky breath, “Okay.”

“Hey,” he grabbed her shoulders. “I know you’re nervous. But they are going to love all of you. They will not give two shits, okay. If I thought they’d have a problem with it, I wouldn’t have wanted you to meet them. Your happiness and the kids’ happiness are my top priority.”

She nodded, “I know. I love you.” He kissed her, “I love you too. Now, let’s go see what Kennedy has picked out for herself.”

When they got to their daughter's room, she was actually cleaning but had the 3 outfits on her bed.

“Princess, what are you doing?” Kennedy just shrugged, “Putting toys away. I picked outfits, so I put my toys away.” Both of her parents smiled at her.

Kennedy usually found things to busy herself with if she had to. She got that from Jake; ‘I did a task, let me see what else I can do while I still have the energy to do it.’

“Thank you, Sweetheart. Good job,” Y/N praised her daughter. They had learned when Grayson was little that praise encourages them to do things like this without really having to be asked.

“Let’s see what you’ve got picked out, okay?” Jake said as he lowered himself to the floor. Y/N sat right by the bed and looked over what she had picked out. Kennedy came over and sat in Jake’s lap.

“Okay, how do we wanna do this?” Kennedy just shrugged. Y/N nodded, “Alright. Let’s tackle the bottoms first. Do you want to wear a skirt or shorts?” Kennedy hesitated, “Hmmm, shorts.” Y/N sat the skirt aside. “Okay, and do you want jean shorts or shorts like Mama has on?” Jake asked, referring to the athletic shorts Y/N had on. “Jean.” Y/N pulled down the jean shorts and put them in her lap.

“Which shirt do you want? Captain America, cow, or plane?”

Kennedy adored Captain America, mainly because he reminded her of her dad; which is the cutest thing. The ‘cow’ shirt was actually a University of Texas ‘Longhorn’ shirt that her aunt sent her for her birthday. Then the ‘plane’ shirt was actually one of Y/N’s old shirts, with a tiny paper airplane on it, that her mom made into a shirt for her granddaughter. And underneath it says ‘h_ng-girl’ because Kennedy loves her dad.

“Plane!” She said excitedly. Y/N smiled, glancing at Jake who was smiling down at his daughter. “Alright, sweet pea, let's put it on and see what Daddy thinks,” Y/N said, getting up and holding her hand out. “No peeking,” Kennedy said as she got up. Jake laughed and covered his eyes, “No peeking.”

Y/N quickly changed her daughter’s clothes, “Okay, you can look now, Jake.”

Jake slid his hand down his face, arching a brow as he looked over. “Princess, you look beautiful.” Kennedy giggled and ran to her dad, arms wrapping around his neck. 

“Ken, do you want to help get Bubba's clothes and take them to him?” She nodded and followed Y/N out of the bedroom, Jake not too far behind.

Grabbing what Grayson had texted her out of his drawers, Y/N handed the items to her daughter, “Will you go give these to Grayson, sister?” Kennedy nodded, wrapping her arms around the sweat-shorts and black t-shirt before running out of the room.

“Kennedy, be careful! Do not run down the stairs!” Y/N called out, peeking out the door frame just to see Kennedy slide downstairs on her butt.

She groaned and rested her head on Jake’s chest, “That girl is you made over I swear.” Jake chuckled and kissed the top of her head, “You love it.” She hummed and wrapped her arms around his waist, “That I do.”

Placing a kiss to his chest, Y/N pulled back, “I’m gonna shower. You go help Grayson, and then you shower while I’m getting ready.” “Yes, ma’am,” Jake mock saluted and kissed her.

Jake went to the living room where Grayson was still propped up on the couch, watching something on the TV. “You ready?”

Grayson jumped a little, startled by Jake’s sudden presence in the room. “Uh, yeah.” He moves to push himself up off the couch, but Jake stops him. “Grayson,” Jake helped him get to his crutches before grabbing the clothes off the couch.

“How are your ribs?” “A little sore, I need to put ice on them but I can do that after I change.” Jake nodded and followed him to the guest room and waited outside after placing the clothes on the bed.

It was silent for a minute before Grayson spoke, “Hey Dad?” Jake could hear the anxiety in his voice. “What’s up, kid?” He heard him sigh. “Grayson, what’s wrong?” “I don’t know. I just- I feel like I’m gonna be a major buzzkill.” “They’ll understand, Gray.”

“Um, hey, could you come in here?” Jake glanced at Kennedy who was curled into a pillow watching the movie that was on. “Yeah.”

Grayson was sitting on the bed, “Could you, uh, could you help me with my shoes?” Jake nodded and knelt down, sliding the socks onto Grayson’s feet.

“God, I feel like a child.” “Technically, you are.” Jake chuckled and looked up, clearing his throat when he saw the unamused look on his son’s face. “Not helping, got it.” Grayson groaned and rubbed his face.

“Talk to me, what’s wrong?” Grayson hit the mattress with his hands, “I just- I hate this. And it’s only been 6 days, Dad. 6 days!” “It’s hard, I remember when your mom was on crutches, she hated it.” 

“I feel useless, you know. Like I can’t help you or Mom around the house. Mom can’t go to work because I can’t do anything for myself… it sucks.” Jake nodded, listening to his son talk and jerked his head up when Grayson sniffled.

Jake abandoned the shoe in his hand and sat beside him. “Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay. It’s okay.” Grayson used the back of his hand to wipe his eyes, “I’m sorry.” Jake shook his head, confused, “Why are you sorry?” “For getting upset about this. For being a burden.”

Jake held his hand up, “No, that is not what we’re gonna do. You are allowed to be upset, son. This is a difficult adjustment for everyone. But never, ever think you are a burden for something that is not your fault. You got hit, you had the right of way and someone hit you. This is not your fault.”

“But Mom has to do everything for me! She’s going to have to cancel clients to babysit me because I can barely do anything for myself. She’s gonna be losing money for weeks!” “Her clients will understand,” Jake tried to reason. Grayson just shook his head.

“How about we talk more about it later with your mom? We can work something out, but right now let’s focus on tonight, yeah?” Jake offered. Grayson took in a shaky breath, “Yeah, yeah that sounds good.”

Jake smiled and moved to put Grayson’s shoe on. “Have you told Mom about any of that?” He shook his head, “No, she’s already doing so much, I didn’t want to pile on..” “Okay, we’ll make sure to talk about it later okay?” Grayson nodded and stood up with assistance from his crutches.

Jake got him an ice-pack and a towel before going upstairs to shower.

****

Upstairs, Y/N had showered and was braiding her wet hair, before putting on light makeup. “Looking good, pretty girl,” Jake said as he walked by, smacking her towel covered butt. “Thank you, pretty boy.”

Jake turned the shower on, “Grayson’s having a hard time.” Y/N sighed as she tied the small elastic in her hair. “Says he feels bad for not helping around the house,” Jake said as he undressed before stepping in the shower.

She grabbed her mascara and opened it, “He shouldn’t, it’s not his fault.” Jake stepped under the stream, “I know. I told him as much. But it didn’t change his mind. He also feels like a burden because you’re gonna have to take time off from work to take care of him.” “That boy…” She sighed and closed the mascara. “I told him that we’d talk about it later tonight.” “Sounds good.”

Y/N walked out and into their bedroom, getting dressed in a matching set of underwear.

She stepped out into the hall and at the top of the steps, but out of view, “Kennedy?” “Yeah Mama?” “Do you wanna help me pick out an outfit?”

No words were said but she could hear Grayson chuckle as Kennedy’s bare feet slapped the floor as she ran to the stairs, climbing them.

Kennedy ran past her mom, grabbing her hand and dragging her to the bedroom.

The five year old climbed up on the bed and sat down. Y/N kissed her head and went to the closet. She pulled down a sundress and stepped back into the room, “Dress? Yes or no?” Kennedy tilted her head, “Put it on!” Y/N laughed, “Oh, so you want a fashion show?” Her daughter giggled and nodded.

Shaking her head, she slipped it off the hangar and then over her head. “What do you think?” Kennedy took her pointer finger and made a circle motion, something she learned from her dad.

Y/N laughed and spun in a circle. Kennedy once again tilted her head and tapped her chin. She ultimately shook her head, “Not tonight Mama.” Y/N quickly took it off and put it back on the hangar.

She went back into the closet and tapped her chin in thought. “Ken, do you want to pick out what I try on?”

Two little feet thumped on the floor and a blonde blur was at her side soon after.

“Let’s choose pants first,” Y/N said as she picked her up. She went to the pants section of the closet and Kennedy ran her hand over the hangars. The little girl closed her eyes and went a few more seconds before stopping, “These!” She did her best to pluck the hangar of the rod.

It was a pair of light wash overalls that were distressed all over the front of the leg. Y/N took the pants from Kennedy, “Oooo, these are nice! Good choice. Now, let’s pair it with a shirt.” 

She took the hangar from her daughter and placed the article on the bed before going to her drawers. She put Kennedy down and pulled open the drawer.

Y/N had a few shirts that she wore with those pants, so she grabbed them and laid them out.

“Okay, I want you to pick one of these shirts for me to try on. Think you can do that, Kenni?” She nodded, eyes already scanning the shirts. She grabbed a ribbed white tank-top and held it out to her mom. Smiling, Y/N ruffled the girl's hair, receiving an annoyed whine in return, “Thank you, honey.”

She put on the outfit and looked at Kennedy, who was smiling and nodding. “Yeah? This it?” Kennedy nodded, “Wait!”

She ran to the chair by the bathroom door, and grabbed the button-up that was on it, “This!” Y/N laughed, “Sweetheart, that’s Daddy’s.” “And? Put it on!” She shook the shirt, urging her mom to take it. Y/N rolled her eyes fondly and put it on, cuffing the sleeve of the green denim shirt.

Y/N walked over to the full body mirror and adjusted the shirt, bending over to cuff the legs of her overalls.

“Mama, you look pretty! Doesn’t she, Daddy?”

Y/N turned to her daughter, seeing Jake drying his hair with a towel. “You’re Mama always looks pretty, K.” Kennedy rolled her eyes, “I know that, silly. But-” She gestured to her mom, “Look at her!” Jake chuckled and kissed his daughter’s forehead before going to his wife and doing the same.

“You look gorgeous, Honey.” Y/N hummed and kissed his lips, “Thank your daughter, she has impeccable taste.” Jake smiled and kissed her temple, “I love seeing you in my clothes.”

Before anything else could be said, Kennedy pulled on Y/N’s pant leg, “Can you do my hair, please?” Y/N nodded, “Of course, baby.”

She turned to Jake, “All of your clean underwear and undershirts are in the basket still.” “Thank you, Sweetheart,” he pecked her lips and spun her. “Now go, so I can get dressed.” Y/N scoffed, but giggled afterwards and nudged Kennedy out of the room towards the kids’ bathroom.

“How do you want it done?” Y/N asked as she sat Kennedy on the counter. “Like the blonde Black Widow.” “Yelena?” Kennedy nodded, “Yeah, her!” “Okay, so you want the braids?” She nodded. “Alright, do you want to brush it or do you want me to brush it?” “You, please.” Y/N smiled and picked up the brush and did her daughter’s hair.

*******

After doing her daughter’s hair she went downstairs, daughter on her hip.

“Daddy, Gray! Look, my hair is like blonde Black Widow!” Grayson smiled, “It looks great sister. Do you want to watch Black Widow with me?” Kennedy nodded adamantly and wiggled out of her mom’s hold. 

“Your hair looks amazing, Princess. Mama did a good job didn’t she?” Kennedy nodded as she gently cuddled into her brother’s uninjured side. “Yeah, thank you Mama!” “You’re welcome, sweetie. Dad and I will be in the kitchen if you need us okay?” Both kids nodded as the opening to Black Widow played.

“Wait,” Grayson called, reaching to his side. “Could you put this back in the freezer?” Y/N nods and takes the ice-pack, “Course, when will you need it again?” “Probably right before I go to bed. If it hurts at all I’ll let you know.” She nods and she and Jake go to the kitchen to begin prep.

************

hiiiii! i’m happy you’re here! thank you for reading!

i hope you enjoyed this part three! well part one of part 3! the other parts are up now!!

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thank you guys for being here!!!

[urne-buriall]

so you've told me now you like sotw alternate realities. well here's the river scene were Dean opens up to Cas about John's abuse way ahead of schedule, mere days after the 4th of july:

“There are things I want to tell you,” said Cas, “and questions I want to ask. But I’m never sure if I can.”

“What do you mean?” asked Dean.

“Sometimes I want to tell you about my family because I think you understand,” said Cas. “Other times… I’m just not sure.”

“You could tell me if you wanted,” said Dean. He wished Cas would say. He wanted so badly for Cas to trust him. “It wouldn’t change anything. You’d still be my friend, no matter what you said.”

Cas slowly nodded his head. “Right,” he said. He turned again. Started walking. “I don’t want to burden you. And like I said, talking isn’t my strength.”

There had been a test and Dean failed it. He was sure of it. He just didn’t know what he’d done wrong. Had he come on too strong? Had he seemed insincere?

Maybe he was supposed to offer something first. Maybe he needed to be the one to break open that levee, the one that would never close again. To find out if they shared anything, perhaps it was on Dean to say, my dad beats the shit out of me and has since I can remember.

“Cas, wait,” said Dean. He caught up with Cas, then continued walking. He didn’t quite look over his shoulder as he said, “I’ll tell you.”

At the river. He needed to be still, not in this in-between space on the path.

And as he walked, feeling Cas trail slowly after him, studying Dean, he wondered what he was about to do. How would he say it? Could he really confess this? Could he trust Cas with it?

He went to a rise above the river, where grass and clover turned into a straight-edged bank a few feet above the water. He took off his boots and set them aside, bare feet coming to rest in the cool green clover.

Cas came beside him and cautiously did the same. Dean wrapped his arms around his knees, unable to look at Cas next to him. Nearly shoulder-to-shoulder.

They’d sat like this the day of the rainstorm, talking idly before the downpour. That night, Cas stayed over and wore Dean’s clothes. Had stripped to nearly nothing on the covered porch, skin gold in the light and shining with rain.

Dean buried his face in the crook of his arm and tried to forget that.

“Dean?” said Cas, patience giving way to desperate curiosity.

Cas would say he seemed upset again. And if Dean took an outside look at himself, it was laughable to try and deny. He lifted his head.

He’d promised to tell Cas. It was the only way to find out more about Cas in return, and it was something Dean wanted badly enough that it brought him here. He was going to risk everything. For Cas.

“It’s my dad,” he said, surprised by the weakness of his own voice. Shaky, hoarse.

Cas looked Dean over carefully as he waited for more. He gave a faint nod.

“He’s… Tough.” That could be taken so many ways and Dean knew it. “On me,” he added, like it clarified anything. “Sometimes.”

Cas didn’t shift his posture, but the lines of his face became more deliberately contained. He took a moment to say, clear and even, “Does he hurt you?”

Dean looked sharply to the water. Only because his eyes began to burn, because he was losing his grip on the control he thought he had. He wasn’t supposed to cry over this. He was supposed to bear it. He was just going to state a fact, a fact he had lived with for so long and was strong enough to deal with. And it would have been different if Cas asked ‘does he hit you?’ but instead he’d said hurt, and that was a different question, wasn’t it? It was supposed to be easy to say hit, yes and move on without the impact of that action. But hurt made it so much more lasting.

He winced, trying to find another way around the answer, but then he nodded, a concession timed with the tears that came bitter and fast. He quickly bowed his head into his arms, not enough to hide the catching sound his breath made as he tried not to choke on this feeling.

He wasn’t supposed to be so upset. He wasn’t supposed to be this reactive. He wasn’t dead, it was nothing worth crying over.

Cas’ arm wrapped around his shoulder, a solid warmth that gave shape to Dean, keeping him from coming apart.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said, voice deep and low.

Dean tried to push down his feelings, raising his face even if it was tear-streaked and flushed. “About what?” he asked. Cas had nothing to be sorry for.

“That you’ve had to go through it,” said Cas.

Dean had never imagined anyone saying that to him. He thought he deserved to be called weak for putting up with it, or for crying about it now. He thought nobody would care if it happened to him or not. That anywhere he might’ve grown up he’d have been treated just the same because of the way he was. Never enough. All the things John implied and made him believe.

“You should leave,” said Cas.

“Is that what you did?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t,” said Dean. “Sam—”

“Does he hurt Sam, too?”

Dean shook his head. He felt oddly defensive. Of course John didn’t hurt Sam. Dean would never allow it. “I keep Sam out of it,” he said.

“You still shouldn’t stay.”

“It’s not that bad,” said Dean, like he hadn’t been trembling with the force of his tears just moments ago. His voice came thin. “Not enough to leave.”

“Any amount is enough to be worth leaving,” Cas said, so certain of himself.

Dean retreated back into denial. “It’s more complicated than that,” he said. “I’m— I’m not a kid anymore so…”

Cas’ arm fell away from Dean so that he could look at him better. Which was more dangerous and less comforting than his touch had been. “When was the last time it happened?”

Dean rubbed the edge of his hand against his wet cheek, not wanting to answer but unable to resist a direct question from Cas. He looked down at the river and cleared his throat. “Day before yesterday,” he said. If Cas were to roll his eyes, it wouldn’t be undeserved, but Cas stayed perfectly still. Dean’s fingertips brushed against his throat, wanting to say what happened, but unable to describe that part. “He was mad I brought Sam home. Against orders.”

He dropped his hand again, but Cas’ eyes stayed on his throat. Where a fading bruise could be taken for a smear of motor oil. Cas sharply inhaled, putting pieces together. His eyes scanned the rest of Dean’s body, pausing on his shoulder.

“Your broken arm,” said Cas.

“Yeah, uh,” said Dean. Thinking he’d find something better. “Yeah.” There wasn’t really a way to allay it. “He caught me— We were arguing. About eventing, and Zepp, and I thought if I could just get away from him. And he caught me on the steps and I— I fell down.”

“He’ll kill you,” Cas said.

Dean’s head jerked upward, facing Cas directly. “No,” he said. “He doesn’t want to do that.”

“So he’s in control when he hurts you,” said Cas.

“No!” said Dean quickly. Because that couldn’t be true. His father loved him or could. “When he’s mad he just— It flares up and then it’s over. And he’s sorry about it.”

“So he’s out of control,” said Cas. “Which means you’re in danger. Every time.”

Dean parted his lips to answer but Cas had him in a bind. Either John’s anger was out of control and a constant threat or it was in control and was used with full intention. Neither was good for Dean.

“I don’t want to leave,” said Dean, and that was more true than any of the apologies he’d tried to make on John’s behalf. He looked down between them. “I just want it to stop.”

Cas took a breath, almost started to say something, then didn’t. There was a kind of understanding in that holding back.

“What was it like for you?” Dean asked. It was the only reason he’d said anything. So that Cas would open up to him in turn. Cas thought there were things they had in common that Dean would understand.

“Different, probably,” said Cas. He went quiet, struggling with what to say, his eyes gazing nowhere as he grouped his thoughts. It was far easier to talk about Dean’s troubles than his own. “My mother was… unstable. Religious. Which made her hard to live with at the best of times. Never knowing which mother you were going to get.”

Dean could understand that. John was volatile too. It was a lot of work just planning for what version of John he’d meet in any given scenario.

“Would she hurt you?” he asked. He used the same word on purpose.

Cas didn’t cry, but he looked distant. “Yes,” he said. “She’d… She had punishments. She’d drag me by the ear to lock me in a cupboard for— for hours, when I’d done wrong.” Dean knew without Cas having to say that ‘doing wrong’ could be anything from causing trouble to colouring too loudly. He couldn’t imagine Cas being a trouble-making kid, not on purpose. But he mentioned being different when he grew up. Too emotional, finding it difficult to connect. That would be ‘wrong’ too.

“If we didn’t listen or were found impertinent, she would slap us,” said Cas.

“We?” said Dean.

“My siblings and I,” said Cas.

“I never knew you had siblings,” said Dean.

“Four of them,” said Cas. “They never left. I think. If they had, I hope they’d find me.” He shifted, picking at clover. “Then again, they had less trouble listening or understanding the right answer. I could never seem to figure it out. I was… different. And because I was a… a target, I think they didn’t always know that they had more in common with me than her.”

“And that’s why you left?”

Cas looked away and it told Dean how much more complicated it was than that.

“You said once…” Dean wet his lips before he spoke. “You said you didn’t feel like you had a choice.”

“I didn’t,” said Cas. “It was either live the way they wanted me to live, or leave. And I chose to leave.”

That made Cas probably the strongest person Dean knew. And just as Cas found it simpler to talk about Dean’s troubles, Dean found it easier to think of all Cas deserved.

“Remember what else you said?” Dean asked, the idea lighting up his mind as a fix for Cas’ incredible loneliness. “That you’d want a place with fresh air and animals where everything’s right. What if that was us? You know, like, around here so I didn’t really have to leave, but not with my dad, and—”

Cas was looking at him strangely. Dean’s excitement must have been somehow out of place, or the idea unappealing when Dean included himself. Cas hadn’t been making an offer of somewhere to stay, for Dean, when he warned him that John was a danger. This must not be what he was thinking of it all.

“Sorry,” said Dean quickly. His face flushed again, not helped by the heavy heat of the day. “I thought— When you said that, it sounded— It sounded so nice. But you want that on your own.”

“No, not on my own,” said Cas. “That defeats the point.”

“Right,” said Dean, and he placed his hands on the ground beside him, about to launch himself away from his foolish entry into the conversation. He needed to get away from Cas. He was hot. He should swim. If he could bear to get undressed.

Cas curled a hand around the inside of Dean’s arm just above the crease of his elbow. It wasn’t an iron grip, but it was solid, keeping him in place when he otherwise would’ve gone.

“I like spending my time with you,” Cas said in a rush. It was like he was answering something else, something neither of them had said. He didn’t look at Dean. “If I could give you somewhere to stay, away from your father— If you wanted that, I would do it.”

“We’re just—” Dean hesitated. “We’re just talking dreams, Cas,” he said.

“Why should it only be a dream?” said Cas.

This was more than Dean had ever reckoned on. So heavy it felt like lifting a weight from the bottom of a river.

“I mean that if you want to leave,” said Cas, “then you should. You could do it.” He let go of Dean’s arm, fingertips dragging away from his skin.

“It’s not as simple as that,” said Dean, finding himself confused. In one breath he suggested buying a farm with Cas, and in the next that he could never leave his father. It was just that what they talked about sounded too perfect to ever truly exist. How could Dean put any faith in something that exceeded his wildest dreams like that?

“If I bought a house with space for horses,” said Cas.

“Jeez, Cas,” said Dean.

“Would you come stay?”

“Are you for real?”

“If I could do it this minute, I would,” said Cas. “I don’t want to say goodbye and know you’ll go back to that house with John.”

“Could you do it?” said Dean. “Is that even possible?”

“I could figure it out,” said Cas. “One word. From you, and…”

“You think we can do this?” said Dean. “Then… Okay.”

And that was all it took. Cas leaned forward and kissed him.

Dean didn’t have time to think of it or react. The press of their lips was warm, sudden. A dangerous spark in a dry forest. As he pulled back, so did Cas, looking anxious.

“What was that?” said Dean.

Cas hadn’t looked away from Dean’s face, although there was something to the way he held his body, like he expected to run. “I just—” he said. His voice was every bit as gravelly and flat as usual, but he sounded uncertain, a rare note. “I…”

Cas had kissed him. Dean’s brain and body couldn’t make sense of it, couldn’t work together in any sensible way any longer. His heart started pounding. The heat of the day made sweat rise on the back of his neck and above the lip of his mouth. He was frozen but he was supposed to be doing something. Running from this, striking out, kissing Cas, jumping into the river.

“I shouldn’t’ve—” Cas looked stricken now. “I want to help you and it’s not— I made a mistake.”

Wasn’t this Dean’s fault? Just days ago he had wrapped himself around Cas in the shade of a garden and silently begged for his affection in any shape. He’d had that untoward dream the same night. The colour rose high in Dean’s cheeks and he looked swiftly at the river. Cas hadn’t kissed him in the dream, only touched him, but already Dean’s mind was conflating the real and the imagined, completely out of his control. Dean had stared too long the night of the rain storm. He’d been wrong to and he’d made this happen and it was all because he was broken up into pieces and he got things confused and now there was this, which was too much to handle.

Next to him, Cas rested his forehead against his fist, eyes scrunching closed. “I’m sorry, Dean,” he said.

Dean’s mouth remembered the touch of their lips and wouldn’t let go. He felt they were reddened by Cas’ kiss, the same as that day in the attic, that day when enchantment poisoned itself into sharp fear and which was exactly like right now. There was something wrong with him for all of this. For the fact that he wanted to kiss Cas again and really know what it felt like. If he was damned he wanted to know what he was damned for.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said again. “I thought you were like me.”

It struck Dean for the first time what that would mean. What it would be to be like Cas. What it meant Cas was. And how if he were to say Cas was correct right now, that Dean was not like him, it didn’t feel at all true. How if he were to be able to act on what was true, that would mean giving over to what was in him. He felt so miserable and scared and all he wanted was for Cas to cover over Dean’s body with his own. To hide in Cas’ collar, in the very hollow of his clavicle, the place he’d wanted to kiss just three days ago when he stole comfort from Cas in the garden.

He dragged his gaze back to Cas, who looked equally mired in his own despair.

“Cas,” he said, not certain of what he meant to follow. And when Cas looked at him he leaned in and kissed him.

Cas lost a sound against Dean’s mouth, a melting hum. His hand found the small of Dean’s back. This kiss came with another renewed one, chasing it, then Dean bowed his head, breaking it off but not breaking away. His body shifted deeper into Cas, his hand clutching Cas’ shirt, his forehead resting against the base of Cas’ neck. Cas held onto him this time, cheek brushing against the top of Dean’s head. A hand came up to stroke through Dean’s hair.

“Cas,” he said wretchedly.

“It’s okay,” said Cas. As much as anything could be okay. For a bare second, Dean wanted to believe it would be.

[possum-quesadilla]

Chapter four of Time’s Arrow, “Suddenly, nothing is as it was, Where are you now, Orpheus?” Is out now! Goodnight. Make sure to read the warnings carefully!! This one is a doozy!

As always, extras!

- The lyrics for this title’s chapter are from “Hey, Little Songbird” from ‘Hadestown’! I’m sure we can all connect the dots with this one, hehe.

- “Are ya finally takin’ me out back to give me the Old Yeller treatment?” “Not today.” - based on a real conversation I had with my sister one morning as she dragged me out of bed!

- “He went to hop up out of the bed, squinting at the horrible, pounding migraine that was slowly blossoming in his skull. Christ on a boat, has the room always been this bright?” - It has! He’s just struggling with enhanced sensory issues.

- “sipping from a coffee mug that read ‘Happy Father’s Day from your favorite financial burden’.” - Based on a mug my friend got for their dad!

- “Ah, shit.” … “C’mon, Chuck, conversation is not mandatory.” - To clarify: Beej is not irritated that Charles is trying to speak to him! He just thinks that he feels obligated to talk to him, and that that’s really awkward.

- “Beetlejuice grit his teeth as Charles paused to take a sip of his coffee and swallow louder than he was sure any human ever needed to.” - again, sensory issues! Charles didn’t swallow that loud at all.

- The oatmeal cream pie incident - based on a real incident with my own sister. The same sister as before. Yes, word for word.

- “Goodness! I was worried I’d have to grab my bear mace!” - Based on something my own stepmother said, oh my god.

- “Delia’s ‘organically’ cherry-scented chapstick” - Beej can smell that it’s not actually organic! But he won’t break Delia’s heart by telling her that.

- “… on second thought, Beej, why don’t you stay here?” Lydia finished up tying her boots, hopping to her feet. “Wh- huh? Why?” “I don’t wanna overwhelm the poor cat with too many people at once, y’know?” Beetlejuice frowned a bit. What did I do wrong? “.. I guess.” I would scare the cat, wouldn’t I? I can be less scary.” - Misunderstanding, woo! Beej thinks Lydia thinks he is too scary to go with them to get the kitten, and that she may be embarrassed to be seen with him in public. Lydia understands he is spooked at the idea of being in a car and doesn’t want him to experie nce that while he’s already going through something else.

- “ “Oh! Hey, give me your jacket.” The demon immediately went to remove his jacket…” - Too bad Barbara and Adam were too busy to witness jacket-less Beetlejuice!

- “… clacking his teeth a few times. He halted when Charles raised an eyebrow in his direction.” - Charles isn’t perturbed by this stim, Beej just assumes he is. It’s just an odd noise to hear out of nowhere!

- “ “Sorry, Bug, we… have some cleaning to do in the basement!” Barbara called from… Beetlejuice squinted. Why was she and Adam walking towards the stairs from the garage like that? Were they… sneaking? Don’t they hate the basement?” - I wonder what the Maitlands are doing in the basement?

- “ “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Beetlejuice halted, furrowing his brows. He wasn’t quite sure what she’d meant. Maybe he didn’t say goodbye properly? Did she want more affection? He then slowly stepped back over to Lydia, leaning over to press a kiss to her forehead once he reached her. He then turned to bolt towards the stairs once again. Lydia groaned loudly. “No, clean up your mess in the kitchen!” She turned to open the door, shaking her head. “Damn, who raised you?” ” - based on a splendid scene from one of my favorite shows ever, Brooklyn-99.

- “Beetlejuice, totally not enjoying an episode of ‘Jane the Virgin’ with Delia as they sat together on the couch…” - he absolutely was enjoying watching ‘Jane the Virgin’ with his new bestie.

- “Lydia reached into the box and pulled out a scruffy, disheveled little black kitten. He had small white patches on his face, paws, and stomach, and looked like he was born in a dumpster.” - based on my sister’s kitten, Pinto Bean! He is more white than black, and we got him from a farm. He looked like a little garbage baby.

- “ “‘Percy’?” “Yeah, he came with that name. Apparently they were themed? I’ll probably change it.” ” - The whole litter was, unfortunately, named after the Weasley family from (ugh) Harry Potter. Also, yes, he is partially based on Lydia’s cat from the animated series!

- “ “Why? You are small.” “I’m taller than you!” “Not for long. I’m due for a second growth spurt soon.” ” - Beetlejuice is 5’3”! Lydia is too, but not for long.

- “It reeked of some aromatic herb he couldn’t discern.” - he does not Know His Herbs.

- “You’ll have to send me away to a remote cabin by the sea to ‘clear my mind’, like they did to women back in the day. I’ll go even more insane and rip off all the wallpaper. Maybe set the place on fire.” - another ‘Yellow Wallpaper’ reference!

- “.. either up from the secret project in the basement…” - hmm, once again, I wonder what this is!

- “… while she was taking a break from… Y’know. Downstairs.” - being downstairs for too long freaks the Maitlands out. Y’know. ‘Cause their bodies were down there.

- Lydia’s questions - some of the proper questions to ask while someone is having a meltdown! Never touch or approach someone without permission. Ask if they want to be alone or not.

- “.. I like ‘Frankenstein’ as much as the next guy, but three times? Overkill.” - Based on my experience with ‘The Great Gatsby’. I read it three years in a row. My sister read it two years in a row. I now own five copies of that book.

- “I heard the other class is reading ‘Flowers for Algernon’. And that it totally sucks. Super depressing.” - don’t read ‘Flowers for Algernon’ unless you wanna cry.

- “Barbara nodded a little. “I know how to get blood out of wool. It’s really easy.” ” - both because she likes true crime and ‘cause, y’know, she’s a woman! People with periods know how to get blood stains out.

- “ “M-my hair’s starting to grey. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and I see-” he halted, a shudder wracking through his whole body.” - sometimes, he looks in the mirror and sees his mother. It terrifies him. (Based on personal experience)

- “I’ve never been this tired before. Not since… I was alone, in the loop. I feel like if I let myself lay down, if I stop.. performing, pretending I’m doing great, I’ll… I’ll never wake up again.” - oop. Based on personal experience yet again.

- “ “… Bee, I… it sounds like you’re burnt out.” The demon whirled around to face Adam suddenly, eyes wide. “… b-.. burnt… out?” ” - Beej is terrified here because he thinks Adam means the other meaning we find out about later!

- “ “When we push ourselves too much, sometimes our minds and bodies push back. If you don’t let yourself properly rest and recuperate, your body will make you.” Adam glanced down as he went to wrap Beetlejuice’s arm, but otherwise kept his eyes on his face. “It feels like you’re sick because you are. You haven’t been properly taking care of yourself.” ” - just gonna put this here, for those that need to read it. Your brain is an organ, and can get sick just like any other organ.

- “… excuse me for a moment. I’m about to lose my temper.” - based on a line from ‘Fantastic Mr. Fox’.

- The scream - based on the scream from the touring version of the show. You know what I’m talkin’ about.

- “crunching of leaves under his shoes.” - back on his illusion bullshit already

- “Autumn is on it’s way, his mind gently supplies, the thought drifting in slow and sluggish. The cold will come. It is inevitable.” … “Steady now. It will only consume you if you let it. But the cold will come.” - wow, foreshadowing? In my fic? Sure is!

- “I let you in.” - although I’ve heard it in many pieces of media with demons, the most famous use of this phrase is in ‘Talk To Me’.

- The art is once again done by the fabulous @/splasharooni !! Here it is again bc I love it so much <33

- “They stand up straight, trying not to cower as he rises to his full height, towering over them by a good foot, at least.” - Cyrus is 6’4”!

- “his long cigarette holder” - like they had back in the ‘20’s, ‘cause he’s a classy old bitch.

- “If they had held them for too long, Beetlejuice’s felt their own limited warmth be slowly but surely sapped away. But now, he was… warm. Goosebumps chased up their arm as he gently turned their hand over, inspecting their purple-ish-blue-hued fingers with his cool gaze.” - I wonder if this has any thematic implications.

- “ “.. couldn’t leave... the house that breather lived in.” They briefly chewed on the inside of their cheek. Careful. Careful.” … “The mark burned into Lydia’s arm, although they are very careful not to say her name, or who she is.” - Demons work by Fae rules, Beej has to be careful not to let their names slip in front of them!

- “Beetlejuice sees hints of starlight through the canopy. They wonder if the sky is clear enough for them to locate their own star. Or Cyrus’. Or-” - Each demon’s true name is based on a star! Like how Beetlejuice’s name is actually Betelgeuse, Cyrus’ name isn’t actually Cyrus.

- “His gaze is gentle and understanding and… alluring. (Was he really that bad? A voice whispers in the fog.)” - YES HE IS. GET A JOB. LEAVE MY BOY ALONE.

- Burning Out / Extinguished - when a demon is killed/dies, these are the terms used to refer to it. ‘Burning Out’ means their internal flame is dying due to any variety of circumstances.

- Seal vs. Ward - a seal is to keep a demon tied to one place/thing/person, a ward keeps demons away from one place/person/thing!

- “Of course. I’m never outside of her control, am I?” - based on my own personal experience once again. Sometimes, no matter what you do, a part of you is unfortunately always influenced by your abuser.

- “ “I know you don’t… partake, still.” Cyrus looks down at Beetlejuice again, raising an eyebrow mirthfully. “You never could stomach it.” A shudder ran up their spine once more. Beetlejuice cast their eyes down to the ground. “.. no.” The thick, sticky taste of iron stings in the back of their throat. Guilt creeps into their hazy mind.” - by ‘partake’, he means consuming human blood, or even flesh. Beej never had the stomach for it. He had to do it once, and he regrets it.

- “Darling, I only want your time.” - Yes, the perfect Deal. Surely there are no exploitable loopholes.

- “So it is done.” - another ‘Late Night with the Devil’ reference!

- “Unlike then, however, Beetlejuice could see the shape of his tail wagging underneath his skirt.” - I wonder why he’s so excited this time?

- “His right ear panged, and he instinctively reached up to fidget with it, halting when he was met with.. something new, some sort of earring now piercing that lobe. It was cool to the touch.” - yes, Cyrus straight up pierced Beej’s ear without consent. But he got a cool little piece of gold jewelry out of it!

[banamine-bananime]

sometimes i pace around gremlin-like and think about grimmons and how the best things about them that make them such a thematically good pair are on a razor-thin border from being the worst things that could make them Super Not Good For Each Other because sometimes they get so up their own asses and are so mean to each other and know how to make it hurt.

Do you know what i mean??? do other people think about this as much as i do. anyways i'm not going to explain myself better than that incoherent run-on sentence because my thesis is this long-ass fanmix about them letting their demons win despite loving each other a lot and having to break up to ~*work on themselves*~.

this tracklist with notes is in order from them being kind-of-mostly-together but dealing with their own issues individually instead of together to looking like they're maybe growing and starting to deal healthily and going to work... but not enough to increasing frustration with the relationship to breaking up to starting to get over it. i declare that they figure their shit out on their own and get back together when they're in a healthier place but this playlist is just the angsty part. spotify link and my artistique creative vision below the cut.

Embarrassingly specific Grimmons breakup fanmix

Alien Blues - each @ the other, wanting Officially More Than Friendship but afraid to commit and fuck it up

Was it the best you ever had?/Was it the worst? You'd never know/I try to tell you what I think and play it off like it's a joke

Surface Pressure - Grif issues, flashback to teenhood edition

Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that'll never stop, whoa/Pressure that'll tip, tip, tip 'til you just go pop, whoa, oh, oh/Give it to your sister, it doesn't hurt, and/See if she can handle every family burden/Watch as she buckles and bends but never breaks, no mistakes/But wait, if I could shake the crushing weight of expectations/Would that free some room up for joy or relaxation, or simple pleasure?

Oldest - Grif issues

But I hid you in my room/When mom and dad were fighting/Back when we were young/Wouldn't let you hear too much/Yeah, I'm good at that stuff/Maybe growing up too fast/Was the only choice I had

When I Grow Up - Grif issues (fantasizing about getting away from home, and before being crushed into apathy and disillusionment that Actually Everywhere Sucks Just As Much by the military)

When I grow up/Just because you find that life's not fair/It doesn't mean that you just have to grin and bear it/If you always take it on the chin and wear it/Nothing will change

print(“i’m so tired”) - Grif issues

'Cause I'm so tired of being told that I can never want more/And I'm so tired of always fighting this mental war/When the cards are stacked against you, what can you really do?

this is how i learn to say no - Grif issues ("actually fuck everyone nothing matters and i can do what i want" realization era)

Fuck the apologies/Done being sorry for wanting the things that I want/I broke my back carrying baggage /For strangers who only ever did me wrong

I Wanna Be Software - Simmons issues

I wanna be, wanna be software/What will you find?/You can write me, you can design/You can make me however you like

Are You Satisfied - Simmons issues

My problem, it's my problem/That I never am happy/It's my problem, it's my problem/On how fast I will succeed/They say I'm a control freak/Driven by a greed to succeed

Grif issues

Cause it's my problem if I want to pack up and run away/It's my business if I feel the need to smoke and drink and sway/It's my problem, it's my problem if I feel the need to hide/And it's my problem if I have no friends and feel I want to die

Rät - Simmons issues (wanting validation from and consequent idealization of all the wrong dads places but eventually starting to say Fuck That)

I come from scientists and atheists and White men who kill God/They make technology high quality complex physiological/Experiments and sacrilege in the name of public good/They taught me everything/Just like a daddy should/And you were beautiful and vulnerable/And power and success/God damn I fell for you your flamethrowers/Your tunnels and your tech/I studied code because I wanted/To do something great like you/And the real tragedy is half of it was true

The Other Side of Paradise - Grif @ Simmons

I wish you could see the wicked truth/Caught up in a rush, it's killing you/Screaming at the sun, you blow into/Curled up in a grip when we were us/Fingers in a fist like you might run

this is how i learn to say no - Simmons (starting to deal with) issues (and grow a backbone)

Was it more appeasing when I was just pleasing?/This is how I learn to say no/Take your pretty words and go choke 

Cigarette Ahegao - Grif @ Simmons, semi-healthy attempt at dealing with issues and growth by talking about getting The Fuck Out of Here together

Someday, I'll leave the country/I hope to have you with me/Get wrecked on becherovka/Get fucked on smoke and wine/Someday, I'll have my own life/I'll leave this all behind

I Can’t Handle Change - their issues (shared by all of BGC tbh) getting in the way

Hangin' out where I don't belong is nothing new to me/I get tired, and I get sick, and then I lose the strength to leave/I can't handle change/I can't handle change

brutal - Simmons letting his issues get in the way

I'm so insecure, I think/That I'll die before I drink/And I'm so caught up in the news/Of who likes me, and who hates you

i need to be alone. - Grif letting his issues get in the way

I'm waiting for something to change/'Cause everyday just feels the same/It's getting harder to exist/I don't want to feel like this/I'm wasting my life on pointless things/I sometimes think/When does life begin

The Giver - each being a terrible boyfriend

He turns around when you're naked/Says "We should be friends" while you're changing/You nod, half-dressed, he says "It's for the best"

Problems - each @ the other while togetherish

Wonder why, when we both got problems/Why won't you help me solve them?/I love you, but you don't and this is how I cope

Daddy Issues - each @ the other for mistreating them instead of dealing with their own issues but 98% Grif @ Simmons because:

If you don't sort your daddy issues/I will up and leave you/And no one else will want you 

Between My Teeth - each @ the other pre-breakup

I’m too broken to fix you too/I admit it, I admit it/Oh! Please don’t lean on me/Cause I don’t want your heart between my teeth/I, I think I gotta leave

Sick of You - each @ the other during pre-breakup

I wish I never ever met you/Five years of mistakes I'll never undo/I'm not your medicine or your tool/Don't expect me to ever fix you, you, you, you/Every little thing always seems to be about you/Exercise your criticism then get mad when I'm through/You think your traumas don't affect a single person around you/I'm not your therapist or boyfriend, try and get the two confused

Miss You - each @ the other during breakup

I don't ever wanna see you/And I never wanna miss you again/One thing/When you're angry, you're a jerk/And then you treat me like I'm worth nothin

Oh No! - Simmons issues (and attempting to coach himself through the breakup with affirmations that he don’t need no friends)

I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly/I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna die/I'm gonna live, I'm gonna fly/I'm gonna fail, gonna die, die, die, die

You’re So Vain - each @ the other, immediate post-breakup bitterness

You're so vain (you're so vain)/I bet you think this song is about you/Don't you don't you?

I Blocked Your Number - each @ the other trying to get over breakup and anger

Stop likin me on instagram/Stop textin me at 6 a.m./I blocked your number bitch

Hi, It’s Me - each @ themselves trying to get over breakup

When I'm with you I have amnesia, I'm weaker than before/My stupid brain thinks that I need you, I'm eager to hurt more

Feel Better - Grif’s post-breakup sads

Cause someone loved me, someone fuckin' loved me/All my filthy life I loved someone I barely knew/Goddamn it, I was worth something, I fuckin' learned something/And it felt better in my mouth than fresh warm food/I don't wanna feel better/No one's ever gonna love me like that again/I don't wanna get over you/I wanna sit with you in bed/I don't wanna feel better

Here - each, post-breakup sads

But honestly I'd rather be/Somewhere with my people we can kick it and just listen/To some music with the message (like we usually do)/And we'll discuss our big dreams/How we plan to take over the planet/Oh God, why am I here?

Hurt - each @ the other, post-breakup sads

I'm sorry if I hurt you/I'm sorry if it got that bad/I'm sorry I can't help you/Somebody should've had your back

Sweet Hibiscus Tea - each, post-breakup sads and Blood Gulch blues

You're already halfway out the door/And I've never looked so old/And I have never been so cold/And it is 85 degrees/I don't know what I need/There's lukewarm herbal mango sweet hibiscus tea/On the hot garbage pile in which I fucking sleep/The walls are empty it's so ugly I could/Burn the whole place down

Passive Aggressive - post-breakup bitterness

It took a week or two getting over you/But I love myself too much/To waste good years on bad love (waste good years on bad love)

Reflections - each @ the other, wishing the relationship had worked

I know you're sick/Hoping you fix whatever's broken/Ignorant bliss/And a few sips might be the potion/I tried to put it out for you to get/Could've, should've but you never did/Wish you wanted it a little bit/More but it's a chore for you to give

[boozles]

Yet again, I did my live blogging in my notes app before dumping it here 🙃

Okay. I’m trying to put my thoughts together about episode 4, but this was highly emotional for me from the start.

First off, the way Mew’s instinct was like, “I’m not picking you up if you’re drunk,” when Ray was literally in the middle of a sxicide attempt broke my heart. He thinks he’s a burden and should just ‘leave’ and his ‘emergency contact’s first reaction is to basically treat him as a burden. Like, I’m so glad that Mew realised what was going on, but the fact that this happened and two years later his whole friends group (including Mew) still call him a drunken burden…that hurts my soul.

Khaotung’s performance broke me. That was a scene that was too realistic and a bit triggering. I had to pause the video and have a little cry because I was not emotionally prepared (which is silly because I should have known P’Jojo would call us out).

(Actual gif of me watching this scene)

I think this also explains why Ray will drop everything for Mew; it’s not just because of his feelings, it’s because he promised to always be there, because Mew was there for him when he needed it most.

Oh no. Something feels very wrong that Ray let Mew wear the POOR BOY shirt. No, Ray. That’s for you and only you.

RAY NO. NO KISS MEW. BAD KITTY! THAT’S NOT ALLOWED. Although, at least he’s honest?

I’d like to use this scene as a comparison to Boston and Top, however; Ray was VERY wrong to kiss Mew when he was trying to sleep, but Ray dropped it after Mew warned him off. Boston NEVER backs off when Top tells him no (to the point he manipulated, coerced and gaslit Top into sex - sorry lads, I’m still not gonna blame Top for that completely, but it was a form of assault).

Top. A photobooth? Again?

Okay but Sand telling Ray to open himself up to new music and bands is literally a metaphor for Ray needing to move on. THIS FUCKING SHOW.

Gosh, I love Boston but every time he shows up I roll my eyes and glare XD

Haha Top now seeing right through Boston. Hindsight is 20/20 my friend.

OH HOLD UP NO IS TOP SLEEPING AROUND AGAIN NO BABY I CANNOT DEFEND YOU WITH THIS ONE - this has actually genuinely hurt me. The Boston thing I was dealing with, but the rando ex? No, that’s not something my little black heart can handle. OKAY I NOW KNOW ITS NOT CHEATING THANK THE GODS

Boston, you trying to be careful for your dad’s sake is making me laugh like hell. The shit you get up to and you’re worried about a photo?! (Although I think this sets up a future episode with a photo or sex tape leak.)

Oh, this episode is really showing Top’s nasty side. The thing is, I genuinely believe he was becoming a better person with Mew by his side and Boston has poisoned him right back to being how he was. Ugh. My heart is shattering.

‘I have nothing to hide’ SURE YOU DON’T TOP. WE BELIEVE YOU.

So, Top is into the nose candy. Is it bad that I prefer him on drugs rather than cheating? (Also, is it bad I want them to show Ray doing cocaine? I feel like Khaotung would do a very convincing job.)

Aw, why was the TopMew sexy times cut short? We can see Top, Nick and Boston being nasty but not Mew, Sand or Ray? XD

Ray starting the episode with Mew as his emergency contact and ending it with realising that maybe he needs to move on is perfect and the flow of this episode is just *chef’s kiss*.

(Shout out to P’Jojo for introducing me to another great Thai band, Selina & Sirinya)

Ugh I cannot handle this 7 day wait between episodes. This show is making it more difficult than any other, I swear.

[creaturebehavior]

damn i have so much unhealed trauma

every time a natural disaster strikes i’m flooded with thoughts and memories and emotions and when i see people talking about it so freely it makes me angry for some reason because after the fire happened i didn’t have anybody to talk to about it and i still am carrying it around

i have not even talked to meagan about what happened.

the fire put this huge wedge between me and my family, me and my friends, me and my life.

i never talked about what happened with anybody, because i knew they wouldn’t understand

what i have shared in therapy didn’t even feel like it did much. i dissociated through it. and they didn’t understand anyway and it’s painful to have gone through something that people don’t understand.

they don’t know what i saw. they would never be able to even picture it in their heads if i described it to them

what happened was beyond words. it was beyond video.

i took video of the town burning down in flames around me but i hesitated to show anyone the video because in the video, the camera made the fire to appear to be farther away than it was in person, and i didn’t want someone to see the video and think i had been through anything less than what really happened. i think my dad forced me to show him the video though and the whole time i had to tell him it was worse than it looks. god i hate my dad so much

the first thing that happened when i got to a safer area was my dad screaming at me and throwing a mattress across the room and telling me that. You know what i can’t even finish this post

what happened that day fills me which such pain and anger, that at times when i remember what happened, i wish death upon my dad. That’s how angry i am at him for treating me the way he treats me.

We have not spoken since 2020. I do not plan on ever speaking to him again, if i can help it. unless i have a change of heart.

but he really drilled the nail into the coffin. i think he made his bed and he should lie in it.

i will never have children, because i know what it’s like to be raised by a severely mentally ill parent, and i refuse to inflict that on any child.

trigger warning CSA in this paragraph. i am tired of being the product of 3 severely mentally ill parents. every day of my childhood, multiple times a day i would say i know my dad is abusing all of us, but his parents abused him worse, so it’s okay. Bullshit. fuck him. And the only reason i knew about how badly his parents abused him is because he would tell us all the time. how his mom would beat him with a switch and with sticks and his father would beat him with a belt and how his mom would beat him as a baby every time he cried until he stopped crying and all the stuff his parents would say and do to him like the time he almost drowned at camp when he was four because his mom lied about his age and said he was six and said he could swim and then when she came to pick him up he didn’t tell her about it because he would have gotten in trouble and just all kind of shit like that and how his teachers would beat him with a paddle and how his sister and her friends would molest him. he would tell me and my brother this when i was as little as 3 or 4. it felt like every day there was a new horror story with gory details and he would scream at us and then cry and force us to hug and console him. I’m tired of carrying the weight and the burden of his childhood. i didn’t get to have my childhood because i was so worried about his.

i hate my dad so much for so many reasons. i can’t feel bad for him anymore. i literally don’t have the capacity. i have to stay no contact with him because i go into the fawn response around him because that’s the only way i know how to keep myself safe. i decided to cut off all contact with him until i am strong enough to hold my boundaries in his presence, and i swore to myself i will not talk to him if i’m not ready. fuck his excuses and his fake medical emergencies. i don’t care anymore. he has no idea how exhausting it is to grow up taking care of a grown man.

it’s the kind of abusive relationship that you know probably will not be over until the both of you are dead. i can cut off contact all i want but he’s going to continue to try to get in contact with me. he never leaves me alone. he won’t respect me or my boundaries. god i hate him so much.

i had one more thing to say but i forgot it because i am just stressed out writing this vent post and i think i’m beginning to dissociate oh yeah my arms are numb bye

edit: i remember what i was going to say.

my dad instilled in me a fear of life and a fear of trying new things.

every single time i tried something new, there was always a warning of the worst case scenario. i felt so scared to try anything new. every activity came with a warning of how dangerous it could be. and this has been ingrained into me. to always look for the worst possible scenario, to be on high alert, just in case.

i didn’t even try anything before developing an opinion about it, because my dad’s opinion was so strong. he’s one of those people that never shuts the fuck up. he’ll tell you the same thing multiple times in a row and not shut the fuck up. (pot calling the kettle black here, probably) now imagine being 6. imagine being 8. imagine being 2. or 3. and having your dad tell you every single thing you should worry about when doing something fun with your friends. Guess who was the friend that was afraid to participate with the other kids when they were doing something completely normal.

it’s my life’s goal to break free from the programming he drilled into my brain. and i hope i never speak to that man again.

[bolbianddolanhouse]

BNHA self insert AU [Book 4]

Catch up here! 1 2 3

Chapter 8: That’s Not How You Eat a Banana

Hanaka’s freak out caused a whole lot of hassle for her and Tensei. The staff had to go all hands-on deck to keep things peaceful to appease the mother of the twins (aka the school’s biggest donor and contributor). It’s not looking too good for the twins.

-Lunchtime, at school-

“Hey, you girls go ahead” said Hanaka to her friends “I’m just gonna-”

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling sick?” asked Petti “You always want to have lunch.”

“Yeah! I even brought those strawberry Koalas Nya!” Kyanka presented the colorful box of snacks in her paws “Your favorite!”

Hanaka eyed the snacks “Thanks but I’m just not feeling myself today.”

Twinkle gasped “What did that school counselor tell you?!” she furrowed her brow “Because if he said something bad, I’m going to-”

“Guys it’s not what the school counselor said” Hanaka waved her arms to dismiss any escalation of anger “I’ve just doing too much talking to people this week. I need some quiet time with no talking.”

The girls looked at each other with worry, Hanaka was usually the high energy one and seeing her so worn down like this was concerning.

“Okay, you go have your alone time” assured Petti “We’ll see you later.”

The other two nodded, making Hanaka feel a little better.

“Thanks guys” sighed Hanaka in relief “see you later.”

The girls waited for Hanaka to turn the corner that led to the stairs for them to scurry off to the roof top. They sorta had the same idea to spy from afar to make sure their friend was okay. The girls have been worried about Hanaka since the freak out a few days ago and wished they could do more to help. 

“Nya! Good thing I got my multi-use googles today!” Kyanka said as they pulled out her support tool out of her bag “Could use the practice before the license exam.”

“Girl isn’t that after the training camp?” Twinkle asked as she tried to scope out Hanaka in the courtyard.

“Wait, didn’t sensei say that was pushed for after the licensing?” Petti was trying to recall “No wait, that doesn’t make sense.”

The girls were trying to remember meanwhile Hanaka strolled near the mindfulness garden. She really hasn’t had the chance to see what it was all about other than that her mom got this built when she made her first big donation many years before she had kids. 

“Mindfulness Garden, built to give students a place to reflect and heal mentally. Bulit in honor of Intelligence alumni Agent 19, CEO of Robodog Inc and Inner Circle agent of the Emperor’s Coup.” Hanaka read the plaque at the entrance of the garden “Huh, I forget that mom is an agent. What a girlboss!”

She makes her way into the garden and sits under the willow tree that’s tucked in a more secluded part of the garden. Bringing her knees up to her chest, lunch bag set next to them, they give a large inhale and exhale into a heaving sob. God, they were so mentally exhausted! They didn’t want to talk about their feelings or performance in school to teachers or counselors anymore! And they don’t want to burden their friends with their feelings. With things at home being limited to basically talking to their dad that doesn’t know the meaning of being so mentally tired, Hanaka feels so alone. She could wait until their mom is done with her company stuff, but she wants her now, not a week from now! Her boiling hot tears flow out of her tired, little eyes. Tears so hot that they sizzle upon contact. 

“What do you see?” asked Petti to Kyanka, trying to toggle the settings

“Nya hold on! I’m trying to find the right setting, but the buttons are too small!”

“Just use your nail Kya” suggested Twinkle.

Kyanka groaned “My daddy made me file them down because I was snagging on everything in the house” she flexed her paw to show the other two “I can’t do shit with just my beans!”

“Yeesh! Here I’ll click through for you” Petti grunted “Tell me when.”

“Okay!.....NYAH!” Kyanka signaled “Where did you lose her Twinkle?”

Twinkle pointed toward the garden “Over there, she went under those trees and I’m not sure where she went after.”

“How are you going to see through the trees?” asked Petti

“These googles come with a heat seeking setting” Kyanka looked toward the area “And since Hanaka radiates high heat, she’ll show up as bright white on my thing.”

“Wow look at you kitty girl! Having the braincell today!” praised Twinkle 

“FOUND HER! Wait, nya?”

“What is it?” asked Petti and Twinkle

“Well I found her but theres another thing I’m picking up, nya” Kyanka was trying to explain “Another, person? Thing? Person shaped thing?”

“What’s got you confused?” Petti was trying to piece what Kyanka was seeing.

Kyanka pursed her lips in concentration “Like, why is this thing pitch black? Like it’s made out of the coldest ice ever. And it’s...moving around? So it’s not an ice sculpture, nya.”

Twinkle gasped “Hanaka’s direct opposite?! What are the chances!”

Meanwhile, Hanaka wasn’t aware that she wasn’t alone until she hears a very soft but close by “Damn!”

That startled her out of her thoughts, looking around to see who was there. But she didn’t see anyone next to her, maybe somebody was behind the tree? She crawled to peer behind the trunk of the tree, at first there was nobody there but in a blink of an eye, suddenly appeared a male uniform with a presumably invisible person in it. Hanaka flinched in fear but didn’t want to look away out of curiosity, she’s never met an invisible person before! Even though she couldn’t see their face, she felt their eyes on them.

“I- um, I-I-I” the invisible person stammered, like they just got caught.

Hanaka wasn’t sure why they were acting like that but then noticed the spilt soy sauce on the knee of their pants.

“Ah! Here, I have a detergent stick” Hanaka reached into her bag to pull out a pen detergent stick “I eat really messy too, don’t worry.”

The person was hesitant to reach for the pen she offered but slowly leaned over to grab it “Th-thank you” they said in the same soft voice.

Hanaka looked on as they removed their stain “Oh uhhh, I’m-”

“You’re Hanaka R. Iida, Hero course student in 1A” the person finished her sentence “I know who you are.”

“Whoa, how do you know my name and class?”

“I um, I studied you closely- NOT IN A PERVY WAY!” they clarified in a panic “I mean, I’m a business student here. I’m Tenten Chuubei, class 1A. The business course has us predict trends on things like top students or who’s more likely to be a top hero or sidekick.”

“Oh, cool! I didn’t know the business course did that” Hanaka was even more intrigued now “Say, I’ve never met anyone with your quirk! How does it work?”

“Huh? You’re curious about me?”

Hanaka nodded eagerly.

“Well, I have three quirks, according to the registry here” the person explained “I have invisibility, clairvoyance and sheer cold.”

Hanaka gasped “Cold?! I’m a fire user!”

“I was kind of hoping we’d never cross paths for you to see me like this” Tenten sighed as they recapped the pen “Don’t think you can-”

“Can I shake your hand with my hand at max heat?”

“Huh?” Tenten was confused as hell

“I’ve never experienced the cold before, and it doesn’t snow where I’ve lived my entire life” Hanaka stuck her hand out “I’d love to see how it feels.”

Tenten looked Hanaka’s hand and gulped hard “Now that I think about it, I’ve never felt warmth” he reached out his hand slowly “I’m curious too.”

Even though Hanaka can’t see his hand, she certainly felt it when his fingertips touched her palm. Their hands fell into the handshake position, but they didn’t do the shaking part because they were too focused on the new sensation. They didn’t know how long they were holding hands or how the other was feeling, all that Hanaka could do is give a big dumb grin and wide eyes. 

“Why the hell are they just holding hands?” Petti squawked “I just know she convinced them to hold hands, Hanaka always wants to touch things with they’re quirk related.”

“Hm? I didn’t take Hanaka for the curious type” commented Twinkle as they munched on the abandoned Koala snacks “How do you know?”

“Nya, she asked me what I was hiding my mittens when I was the new kid in preschool” Kyanka clapped her paws “She said my paws were cool and would poke my beans. And we were friends since!”

Petti groaned “When we were babies, Hanaka would collect my feathers when I was preening or molted” she lifted the back of her feathers on the base of her neck “She burned me on the neck when we were toddlers when she tried to put my feathers back on when I molted. I like to say she branded me as her friend at that point.”

“Nya, I have mine too on my wrist!”

Twinkle gasped excitedly “Wow! When will I get my friendship branding?!”

The two branded friends looked at each other, then at their unbranded friend.

“You don’t wanna, those burns were painful as hell!”

“Humph! I just want a friendship thing!” whined Twinkle, crossing their arms “Bracelets are so cliche! I want to get branded!”

Back to Hanaka, only 5 minutes has passed in the hand holding position, but the boy was starting to feel a bit weirded out.

“Alright, erm” he spoke as he loosened his grip.

“Hm? OH!” Hanaka quickly let go at his hint “That was nice! So that’s how being cold feels like.”

The boy was looking at his hand “Yea, nice...Like I was going to, melt? Turn into water?”

“Do you have lunch here every day?” blurted Hanaka “Can I join you again?”

“Erm, I come here to hide” said the boy meekly, making himself invisible again “I gotta go.”

“WAIT!” Hanaka bolted up but it was for nothing, he ran off and she couldn’t see him. 

Now Hanaka wants to get to know Tenten and become friends. She was excited to tell her friends that she experienced cold for the first time. But the others already had an idea of what happened.

After School, walking to the nurse’s office

“YOU WHAT?!” yelled Hanaka

The girls winced at the outburst.

“We were concerned for you!” Petti defended “We gave you the space.”

“Nya! I didn’t say that we knew who that was or what was said” Kyanka crossed her arms “It was just predictable and surprising that the one time you want to be alone is the time you find your direct opposite.”

Twinkle was pouty and slowly inching their hand toward Hanaka “If you’re mad, you can take it out on me.”

Petti and Kyanka slowly lowered their friend’s hand away, making them more pouty. 

“ANYWAYS! Who was the person?” asked Petti “are they nice? Bitchy?”

“Are they pretty?! What class are they in?” asked Kyanka “I don’t think there’s an ice user in the B class next to us.”

Hanaka raised an eyebrow and recalled “Hm, actually. They’re an invisible quirk user with 2 other quirks. And they’re a boy in the Business course.”

The three girls gasped and eyes widened.

“A boy?! You held hands with a boy?!” screamed Twinkle before Kyanka shoved a paw in her mouth to silence her.

Hanaka looked at her hand and fully processed what she said to Tenten earlier. Once it clicked she turned red and set the top of her head on fire. 

“Oh my god why did I do that?!” panicked Hanaka, hands on her cheeks “I’ve never talked to a boy that wasn’t my siblings’ friends! I was just curious! Oh geez what if he thinks I was flirting with him?!”

The squak were in hysterics right outside the nurse’s office, thankfully nurse Eri put a stop to it before anything caught on fire. The girls calmed down and got the band aid for Twinkle before leaving. Hanaka was very bothered by this realization but didn’t really know how to express it or explain it. She just went straight to her room once she got home, no words exchanged to her twin or dad. She even forgot to lock her door! That’s how bothered she was.

“Hanaka? You want a snack?” her dad asked carefully before opening her door a bit wider “We just got our shipment of hot chips, mom got your favorites.”

She looked over to her dad in the doorway with a bag of Exxtra Hot Cheetos. No words were spoken, just her holding her hands out with the grabby hands.

Her dad sat at the foot of the bed and waited to see if Hanaka wanted to talk about what’s bothering her as she popped the chip bag open. Hanaka just crunched, unable to find the words but just a singular sigh.

“Ah, so you talked to the opposite sex and your friends/classmates are teasing/shocked about it and you’re not sure how to feel about it because you’ve never talked like that and wonder if they took it the wrong way but you just wanted to make a friend.”

Hanaka stopped mid crunch “What the- how did you?”

Their dad chuckled “That’s what happened to me when I held your mom’s hands for the first time when they told me their secret” he reminisced “I told my brother when I got home and my classmates saw me from the third floor window hold her hands. I was embarrassed and unsure about my feelings, because I wanted to be friends with her. But at the same time I developed feelings that never truly went away.”

Hanaka turned red again, as bright as the cheetos she was snacking on.

“It’s okay to feel like this, you don’t need to figure it out right away” their dad opened his arms for a hug “take your time, you just met this boy right? Who knows! He might make a really good friend.”

Hanaka threw herself into her dad's arms for the hug “Thanks dad.”

He embraced her “Anytime Hanaka. Just take my advice, if you do find yourself that you like this boy: Don’t wait, just tell him you like him. You might regret it if you don’t say anything.”

“Is that what happened to you?”

“Yes and if I wasn’t just a denier of my feelings, I would’ve confessed 2nd year and married the day we were 20 years old.” he sighed and held his daughter tighter “But then you and your siblings wouldn’t exist! And I very much love you all.” 

“Dad, are you crying?”

“....yes” he croaked “I just really love my little family and all my children are growing up so fast! It’s like last week you were crawling for the first time and now you’re talking to boys! I’ll blink and you’ll be married!”

“Dad! I don’t know if I even like this boy!” Hanaka tried to squirm herself out of her dad’s embrace “let me go you big sappy fool!”

“No, because if I let you go” her father didn’t budge “you’ll grow up! Stay little just a bit longer please.”

Hanaka stopped resisting and pondered on what her father said, almost in defeat. 

“Fine, no promises that I won’t be a little taller tomorrow tho!”

-Later that night, before bedtime-

There was a knock on Tensei’s door

“Go away Rosa”

“STUPIDO TENSEI YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WANT!”

Tensei sighed and unlocked the door anyways “Que quieres?”

Hanaka barged in and front flipped onto her twin’s bed, almost missing the edge of the mattress. She turns to properly face Tensei.

“I have to tell you many things twin brother.”

“Uh huh? That’s why you come in to stand higher than me?” Tensei smirked as he sat at his desk chair “Pues? What do you need to tell me gemela?”

Hanaka takes a deep breath “Okay, first off! I’m sorry for letting my rage get the best of me at school.” She did a tiny hop on the bed “Secondly, I know I’ve been a shitty twin and dragging you into all my drama but I know it’s because I depend too much on you fixing things.” She did a slightly bigger hop, just enough to get the bounce back of the mattress “Thirdly, but not leastly-”

“Those aren’t words”

“Shut up! I’m trying to made amends with you!” Hanaka huffed as she did another hop “What I mean is that, I need your help with something not school related.”

“Oh? You’ve piqued my interest!” Tensei leaned in with his elbows on his knees, holding his chin “Continue.”

Hanaka carefully sat down on bed, leaning toward her twin “I uhhhh, I need help talking to this person I just met today.”

“Who are they?”

Hanaka gets shy “It’s a boy in the business class. BEFORE YOU TEASE ME! I want your help with talking with boys.”

Tensei gives his twin a look “You need help talking to this boy? Why, you like him or something?”

“I don’t know!” she threw herself back, laying perfectly on Tensei’s freshly fluffed pillow “I talked to him and since the only non-family boys I’ve talked to are your friends and the children of our parents’ friends, I literally don’t know if I said something that sounds like I’m flirting with him or it’s friendly.” 

“Ay Rosa, talking to boys is so simple” sighed Tensei, folding his arms “Boys wear their emotions on their face.”

“Okay but what if he has an invisibility quirk and he doesn’t show his face in the first place?”

Tensei blinked and put a hand on his chin “Damn, I didn’t consider that, what the fuck Rosa?!”

“You see why I’m freaking out?!” Hanaka groaned “Help me Tensei! I promise to help you out with talking to girls!”

“Fine I’ll help, the offer won’t be needed” Tensei gave in “tell me about your interactions and I’ll say if that was friendly or not.”

“Yay! You’re the best twin ever!” Hanaka sat up quickly with her arms out “The offer will be on the table, just in case.”

Before Tensei could say anything, the robo-dog trotted into the room.

“Children, it’s 10:11pm on a school night” the robo-dog displayed a count down “You have T-minus 90 seconds to get to bed with lights off before I alert your mother.”

The timer starts ticking down

“Run Hanaka! Mama is letting dad chose the punishment this time!” cried out Tensei.

“Aw FUCK!” Hanaka ran with no quirk at high speed to her room. Not wanting to fuck around and find out this time.

The robo turns to Tensei, making him yelp and jump into bed “Goodnight doggy!”

“Goodnight Tensei” The robo starts trotting out the room, turning off the light “Sweet dreams, your mother returns tomorrow in the afternoon.”

Tensei waited until the door closed to breathe out “God that thing scares me! Why the fuck is that thing the reason for my family’s wealth?”

-Chapter 8 End-

<Previous - Next>

[maladaptvs]

maladaptvs watto breakdown 🫡

(long rant, a dash of venting) (whoops)

i CAN’T hate mark watson - not in a, “oh but he ___,” “but he’s so nice,” “but he does ___ for people,” “but-anything” way. i can’t stand that sort of talk. i can’t hate mark watson because my mental health can’t TAKE IT.

because if i hate mark watson and if i believe for a second (and i have already believed for many seconds) that al and tim KNEW, um. i. UM. BYE ?? like bye ???? goodbye ?????????

idk i’ll process maybe i’ll hear that they (mark and emily) hated each other the whole time and i’ll feel better (but they didn’t. so.)

and if this was like oh whoops one time i cheated :\ honestly ? i’m not affected (as much) like wow that sucks that’s awful but you might feel bad now and you might understand so maybe it’ll be okay ! maybe you’re just human and you live now with that regret xo

you- you can’t ?? three years ????? i’m so upset this should be on my vent account but it IS and it’s not HELPING. how do you have an affair for three years without your friends knowing. how do you have a child with you wife and continue. and why??? like ? w h y.

gonna say something definitely controversial but in my midst of “this is what my father did, why is this man my father, why would he do this, how am i meant to feel about it,” etc. a thought i had was. this is selfish of him to say. and for many reasons that’s wrong. but for another, yeah. it is. cause people love you. and people send you dm’s when they’re suicidal because you’ve offered that. and you wrote a book that made me feel better about wanting to die since i was eight. you’re meant to be a feminist and an ally. and now it’s all. ugh. it feels a lot like a betrayal, and i’ll say again, it’s hugely because he gave me hope for men and relationships with them. and now it’s like. no. that’s just the same. he’s just the same. and it feels a lot like everything he’s said for a long time is bs. if mark watson can do that to someone wtf am i supposed to think about everyone else??

+ ALSO ? maybe this isn’t true maybe i haven’t thought about it long enough but right now i think honestly i would be MUCH less upset if it was ALEX. just because. mark is. really important to me. as just. idk a figure. of serotonin. and is someone i relate to so fucking much. and is someone who has been valuable to me in terms of coping with Being Alive and Having Experiences. and once more i will say a beacon of hope for cis men everywhere. guess not, guess not.

if she weren’t even pregnant i’d be less upset. you can’t watch someone go through that and keep fucking cheating on them.

+ another thoughts update now that i can think, it’s selfish because he’s sharing the burden of his guilt.

you could’ve sat with that forever and dealt with it yourself but instead what he’s done is toss it out into the world and disconnect himself from the reality of it. you could say he’s “holding himself accountable,” and i say no! no he’s not. i know - i know - what it means to give the blame away and i know the relief in telling people, because now it’s on their mind, and out of mine. holding himself - anyone’s self accountable is NOT sharing what you’ve done with the world. not only because it’s just a way of escaping blame as it eats away at you, but because, um ?? hello ???? you also told the world what you did to your wife! because believe it or not, there’s more than one person in this equation!

and - and i’m tearing up again here i go - what i’m even MORE fucked up by ? HIS FUCKING KIDS. the world knows your dad had an affair WHILE YOU WERE BORN. WHILE YOU WERE MADE. the world knows his child was 1, a fluke, and probably a regret. and 2, something born to a loveless marriage and an absolute betrayal <3

fuck that shit

fuck it fuck him maybe i can’t think straight

just fucking angry

don’t even care if you didn’t love your fucking wife, although i care immensely about the fact you WERE STILL FUCKING HER and DIDNT STOP CHEATING WHILE SHE WAS PREGNANT, i care THE MOST about your KIDS. i am that kid !!! it’s awful !!!!!!!!! everyone in my family is a cheating alcoholic!!!!! mark is a cheating alcoholic !!!!!!!!! i identified, unbeknownst to me, with a cheating alcoholic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+ alSO. i stay away from idolizing real people FOR THIS FUCKING REASON. but “they’re safe! they’re good!” SIKE. betrayal 👎

+ HA. HA. HA HA HA. HA.

i’m buying the bastards book so he can explain his damn self (because FUCK he’s important to me and i hate this). and again i cannot. i just. all his friends ?? does he realize he’s jeopardized all of their reputations???

mark you’ve jeopardized all your friends (and book reviewers) reputations <3 i hate you for it <3 never ever make me question tim again <3 (i’m comforted now by something that used to upset me: marks ostracized relationship with alex and tim. that makes sense now, why you’re the extra friend.) (xo)

+ “if mark watson can do that, every man will do that and no one will ever love me enough to not do that” yeah so um my heart is broken ? he broke it ?

+ what am i supposed to ?? how am i supposed to comfort myself if my comfort media is the source of my dysregulated emotions ??? wtf <3

+ i had big issues with mark after seeing him on richard herrings (don’t like him either) LSTP. he talks a lot about porn and a bit about cheating on a spouse with a robot ? i won’t watch it again to quote anything but that was. bad.

it made me happy to see tim avoiding this behavior while on LSTP a couple times. (i seem to think richard lures people into behaving like shit around him)

+ i still feel awful. luckily for the internet i’m keeping it all here. i feel so fucking sick about tim and alex. three years mark did that to his wife. while still fucking her. and while she was pregnant. and they’re all friends. and i feel sick.

+ maybe i need to look at his face again and try to uhhhhhh simply forget about it

[morg-among-the-stars]

This is my own story, if you want to call it that, of mental health struggles and things regarding suicide. Do not read this if those things are triggering or upsetting. Stay safe, please

I lost my grandfather to suicide in late 2018, and since then, my family’s view on it has been weird. My sister tried to tell my mom about her own dark thoughts and she was yelled at, while my dad consoled her. My mom said that she can’t, “play the suicide card” since my grandfather passed away.

I dealt with wanting to die and the thought of wishing I’d never been born for years before my grandfather passed away. It was an incessant thought that I couldn’t get off my back and I had plans, then plan singular, of how I would go and it would be over.

But I could never do it. I had a little sister to live for. I got bullied by kids, teachers, my own parents, but no matter how mean I was to her, my sister wanted me to stay. And I did, and I am grateful to still be here.

I never told anyone besides my sister that I felt like that. I know it’s wrong to tell a child something so morbid.

I’ve had many people put their lives in my hands, tell me straight forward, “I am going to kill myself” and I didn’t know what to do. I was called a “pussy” by my ex, and a friend told me that I “shouldn’t worry about it” when telling me that they were going to die and that I couldn’t do anything about it.

I’ve had to work on myself, by myself. I don’t have therapy and I don’t want to burden anyone with the times when I wish I wasn’t born, even now.

And I am so privileged in so many ways that people don’t have, and I feel that I shouldn’t feel what I feel. But I still do. Even after all this time, I have those thoughts creep in from the back of my mind.

But I can’t tell my parents because I’m “playing a card” and I have “nothing to be sad about”.

I know that grief eventually gets better, or at least, it doesn’t hurt as bad. But since the death of my grandfather, I am in fear that everyone I care about will die and that in some way, it’ll be my fault that I couldn’t stop them. It’s my internal dilemma: I want to help people but I know I can’t. And I want to help people but I don’t want to think about all the times I’ve somehow been hurt by “being a pussy”.

And trust me, I get that someone else’s suicidal thoughts are not about me. I get that, I do. I don’t even know what this vent is, I might delete it later as is. But I have the constant dilemma of wanting to help people and wanting to keep myself safe.

I feel shit about that dilemma

[mrsman]

I don’t hate peter I hate how much he hurts me I wish I could make him feel what I feel of being rejected and abandoned so maybe he’d stop doing it to me but he theoretically knows and it’s a waste of time

I’m bidding for attention I won’t even get bc I blocked him on here so what is my issue what’s my damage well if he finds a way around it to see it then why stalk to that degree but not be with me it doesn’t click to me doesn’t make sense it infuriates me I just want to be loved why be so obsessed but not present so I set traps like a child

I am being childish I only consider one guy to be with and legit I don’t even want him I just want to feel validated that it would’ve been a good match and I wasn’t crazy for liking him and it wasn’t okay for those people to shame me for having the feelings that I had I’m so tired of feeling ashamed of my romantic feelings why can’t I love someone in peace why does it always have to be this way so desperate and shameful

Why do I have to carry this burden not only am I “too perfect” for the person I want to be with but he told me I’d be humiliating myself to take him back so I feel humiliated and I expect people to agree but no one does my therapist my friends my family all support me and say it’s okay and I’m brave to want to forgive him and continue but he doesn’t see it that way I guess and I can’t know different he doesn’t tell me different I was too chicken shit to acknowledge anything I felt we spoke about “in the spirit” and he responded in kind and I read rejection

I wanted him to forgo my words and show me some kind of movement some kind of change some kind of desire and he offers me closure instead it was like he twisted everything I said to fit his agenda yet again he wasn’t listening if the reality is that we are so connected and talking to one another then why is he still not listening to me I don’t want to yell and get closure by having you leave again I don’t want this door closed you want it closed stop asking me to close it because when I tried you refused and stuck your foot in the door that was you

You won’t let go now but you’re still not around and every day the space you used to occupy grows wider and gnaws at me it’s supposed to get easier right no it gets harder and more acutely painful more precise cuts in the gut and heart I am struggling so much without you but you don’t want to be here or you’d be here am i wrong about that? I even unblocked your number I don’t know why I prayed and God said it so I did it but that’s it and now what

I’m giving up on giving up I guess I’m just leaving the door open you don’t have to lunge for it or put your foot in it it’s open come whenever you like you have my permission I don’t want to care and try to control anymore but I have to care just not control and I’m struggling this is some of the hardest shit I’ve ever had to do and it irks me that I’m getting no foreseeable reward or relationship it’s like the echos are there like yea yea you love me it’ll work out but who can really say sure God and your dad and Alex and my mom and Susan but I can’t conceptualize it and I’m struggling so much

Everything is so difficult I don’t know how people go from being with their one the one the person made for them and just stop loving them or at least put the love away and move forward how do they do that I can’t figure it out and I don’t want to either I just want to protect myself by understanding at least that I’m not being stubborn I’m just genuinely doing what I’m being told is right and this is right we’re gonna be together right? Right. So I guess I sit and I wait. Yes you have my permission. I don’t want to give it yet unless you’re ready and willing but I won’t know I’ll never know until you speak up so I guess I’ll put down my answer as yes sure. If God says no wait then I’ll come back and take this down or change my answer to not yet.

Until tomorrow then.

3/5

[wherethehellisderrymaine]

NOVEMBER WRAP UP

BOOKS: shingeki - vol. 31 al 34 - end daisy jones and the six  tokyo revengers - vol 9 al 29 -- queda el ultimo volumen el año que viene nos sale bien pedir perdon antonieta

MUSIC: i wonder - russell dickerson  box in the heart - the maine those days - nickleback  la culpa - marc segui  hood - trueno y tiago  emotional - ashe i’m a mess - avril lavigne and yngbld session vol 50 - duki santeria - sublime blind - role model  el kuelge caramelos - alan trezz remember summer days - night tempo  again - yui 

EVENTS:

1: anxious, bad mood, tired  ate “too much” and felt guilty 

2: HATE i hate myself bc i am bloated and i look fat i hate not being able to use t-shirts when it is hot bc man comment on my body and i feel weak, scared and disgusting

3: still feel like shit i hate being so emotionally unstable when i feel ugly that i have toxic thoughts and i get all jealous for no reason. i hate thinking that i am not good for my boyfriend i hate thinking getting angry when he mentions his girl friends from work. i hate that place and i hate most of the staff and i hate not being able to stop this feelings. it’s not his nor their fault, but i don’t like them and i don’t like when he tells me about them or goes out with them. i am the fucking worst I JUST HATE MY MESSED UP BRAIN 

lucho had an anxiety episode and i felt useless bc i never know what to do or what to say. he doesn’t need positive comments and he never really tells me what’s going on, so i don’t do anything and i end up feeling even worse for not being supportive.

04: still feel crappy and kinda depressed i feel like i wanna cry but i don’t get to do it. i keep all bottled up i don’t want to talk to anyone, i’m in a very dark and depressive mood and so is everone around me so i don’t let it out. i hate being a burden.

05: anxiety, but less class in the morning coffee before film - met up with lucho -- watched THE MENU went back to la baticueva , hjad lunch and sex (still feel ugly and fat but i’m trying to convince myself that i can be desired even though i’m not skinny) went to el auditorium to watch argentina, 1985, with lucho and my parents. it was lovely, my parents really liked the movie and got to leave the house for a bit. went back home with lucho, drank a wine, had some snacks and burgers from la hamburguesería, i fucking love that place - watched tokio revangers 

07: pain and bloated - still no period tired, fell asleep and we ended up not going to the cinema had sex - i dominated him, i fucking love doing that. i took my time to do what i wanted, slowly to tease him. i could die touching him

08: saw mica in lucho’s neighborhood - she lives nearby with her boyfriend. i was nice bumping into her  did the groceries with lucho and went back home mom and dad are sad and worried for Foni’s situation at usa.  i feel bloated and ugly - i just want to feel pretty and sexy again

09: lucho made me an amazing dinner

10: lovely birthday felt loved, a little tired but i had fun 

11: neck, back and head pain  bloated, fat, anxious, sad  couldn’t buy sabinas’ tickets :(

12: date night at bruder’s with my lovie

13: put up the shelves in lucho’s bedroom last night at the film festival went to see “bones and all”

15: bought lots of plants with lucho lucho decorated the shelves and the baticueva i had a class with vicky and then went to lucho’s - he’d been out with his friends but he also fetched me when i was wailking to his house and gave me lots of hugs. i adore this man with my entire soul

16: lucho bought fairy lights for his house and i’m in LOVE

22 - 27: it’s been a great long weekend but when i went back home, Lili was ill. She has cancer and she’s going to die pretty soon. I don’t feel like writing too much about it. I just want to cry and I don’t want her to suffer. I see her uncomfortable, all bloated up, not wanting to eat. There is not much we can do but wait and lov eher until the end. She isn’t “just a dog”, she is my baby and I don’t want her to leave us. 

28: cena en lo de lucho con Ro y Martin. lo pasamos re lindo. Me caen super bien los dos y les deseo lo mejor en baires 29:me desperte re descompuesta. estoy triste, quiero estar con lucho todo el diay no tener que tomar orales.  eating less and felt pretty but i have to be careful

30: partido de argentina, lo vimos en el cem. ganaron 

[intoxjaecated]

late night, city lights, and you.

“people are temporary, but what do you do when you find someone you really can't imagine leaving? how do you ask the universe to make them stay?”

mark lee x gn!reader

genre  angst, fluff (?), hurt/comfort

warnings  mentions of toxic household, intrusive suicidal thoughts, some curse words, english is not my first language so please take that into account as you read or leave constructive feedback and lmk if there’s sumn i missed ‹3

word count  1k+

Watching the city lights with the cold night breeze has always given you comfort—more than home. That’s why you often find yourself driving to this place, far enough from your life's chaotic reality and expectations you can never live up to. A lot has been going on in your life lately and you feel suffocated with all your responsibilities piling up as the firstborn automatically making you the next in line to your parents with the responsibilities with your siblings, while also being a struggling college student. It seems that everyone around you forgets that you are also trying to cope and learn how to navigate life, and all these expectations on you are taking a toll on your well-being.

While you were lost in your head you suddenly felt a hand carefully lean your head to his shoulder, breathing in that familiar perfume you instantly knew who he was— Mark. Your best friend. Soulmate. Ride or Die.

"What are you doing here?" you asked, slightly chuckling in amusement that your favorite person is beside you exactly when you feel like disappearing.

"I just saw your Instagram story and I... just knew," he whispered, voice too low like he was careful of every word that would slip off his mouth. scared you might try to escape from his presence.

"hmm.. what did you figure from my story?" you hummed, leaning comfortably at him,

"what do I not know about you anyway," he chuckled lightly, finding it also amusing how fast he grabbed his keys and followed you as soon as you didn’t respond to his reply to your story

"but like, do you wanna talk about it?" he continued, saying it in a manner that you could easily break down the façade you've been putting on. 

“I just have a lot on my plate right now with all this family drama I was literally shaking and barely managed to finish my problem set as soon as my mom entered my room because I know exactly what will happen if dad found out that she is roaming around his house without telling any of us of her ‘visit’. And to make things worse, my dad went home earlier than usual and saw her in the act, and then of course they fought again. She was so haughty you know? she spoke to him so casually as if she was forgiven as if she apologized for cheating on him and for ruining whatever our fucked up family had… and I, as usual, had to step in again and tell them to talk like actual adults…” you scoffed, recalling the commotion that happened earlier that night “I don’t need them to patch up their marriage, I just need them to at least talk without raising their voices, and bringing back past incidents having faults and trauma competition. At least for my younger siblings’ sake, but from what I saw earlier maybe I should just give that shit up.”

"Plus, college is badly draining me out since my grades were not parred with what my father expected and I’m really trying my best to get better grades but none of that shit seems to go my way.” sighing, “I don't know… I've always tried living in a way I wasn't any burden to anyone especially when I figured I was conceived before marriage which forced my parents to marry each other and for my mom to stop pursuing her college degree. Now they’re a mess, which also fucked me over and my siblings’ lives. I feel responsible for all of this shit you know, that’s why I try to live as the firstborn child they wanted me to be. I did my best to somehow reach their expectations... and my whole life revolved around this. But still, there are days when it gets a little more unbearable than usual so I just... feel tired you know? I just... want it to stop, but dying is such a selfish thing to do, so I can't" you whispered, barely audible like you wanted it to slip with the cold night breeze

"you… have me, you know that right?" he whispered, caressing your hair

"I do. Of course, I do. God, you're the best thing that’s ever happened to me," a tear slipped from your eyes,

“you're one of my answered prayers, Mark— no actually you're so much more than I have asked for, and I'll forever be thankful for you walking into my life and embracing me and my fucked up life.” there was this small pause, as you’ve wondered how could you ever tell anyone your intrusive thoughts and how could you deliver it to them without them looking you like a sorry excuse of a person afterward but this is Mark, and Mark is Mark so you proceed to tell him the thoughts plaguing your mind for a while now, 

“but like if one day I... leave forever... I hope everyone forgets me including you, I don't want anyone to think they didn't try saving me, I don't want anyone to blame themselves for me giving up..." you choked, still refusing to meet his eyes.

you heard him sniff as the shoulder you were leaning on shook lightly. you chuckled, sitting properly and facing your adorable walking diary, gently placing your thumbs on his cheek caressing the trail that his tears left,

"Hey, don't cry... I'm just saying... maybe it's just another meaningless sad shit I have, but like, I have no plans of leaving... yet" you smiled at him, his nose was red already

"I love you so much Mark Lee..." you said, meeting his gaze

"I love you too..."

At that moment Mark once again pondered the question you asked him before “people are temporary, but what do you do when you find someone you really can't imagine leaving? how do you ask the universe to make them stay?” 

The first time you asked him that he didn’t know how he could answer, but this time he knows. You don’t. You don’t ask them to stay. Mark answered in the back of his mind. Because nothing could ever make you stay if you finally decided to leave and that is how he concluded that he just needs to stay with you and hope that will be enough to change your mind, enough to make you stay somehow. But if that’s not enough, he’ll surely spend the rest of his life praying that reincarnation is real, and that he gets to spend that life with you too.

[cloud-acee]

[ 6:02 ]

“babe seriously, if you take any longer we’re really going to be late,” sunwoo whined in panic while you put your fake lashes in place.

as you fan on your freshly put lashes you chuckled before answering your boyfriend, “sunwoo, my parents aren’t going to give you detention if we get there a little late.”

sunwoo will be meeting your parents for the first time after 6 months of dating. your parents never really pressured you to bring him home to have him meet them until last month when they were shocked you were still together. i guess you could say it’s getting serious. well, you knew it was serious with sunwoo, he had always been good to you and genuine with his feelings. you just didn’t want to burden him with the “meet-the-family” thing because he might get panicky, although now, he already is.

“i know y/n,” he continued whining acting as if he is to cry, “don’t joke around me right now i’m literally cold inside and out i’m so nervous i don’t want them to think you have a shit boyfriend.”

you turned to look at him in shock, “hey don’t say that, they’ll love you sunwoo you’re amazing with people.” you reached for his hand in an attempt to console him. you were really surprised that he’d think that. although you did expect him to be nervous, you initially thought he’d still be confident about meeting your parents, he was the one who often asked about when he’d get to meet them. he was also so enthusiastic meeting your friends from your hometown before and they ended up liking him for it. sunwoo always looked confident talking with people and he was one to keep the conversation going, even making them laugh occasionally. now he’s all tensed and you’d actually think it’s cute if it wasn’t for his face looking so pale.

“sunwoo at this point i’m gonna have to put makeup on you too, please take it easy,” rubbing your thumbs on the back of his hand.

“remember how i was so worried about meeting your family too? i almost backed out then but it ended up being just fine.”

“but that’s you and you’re amazing. i might mess up and your parents will think i’m just another dude and then tell you to date someone else or something,” now he’s whining in pout but you have to push aside your potential cooing.

“babe, even if they end up not liking you, which i’m sure they won’t, it’s not like i’m gonna drop you then and there? you’re too cute to dump sunwoo i’d be the shit girlfriend if i do that,” you joke.

that got sunwoo chuckling and taking your hands with his this time.

“if i end up crying in front of your mom or dad please hug me,” now it’s him joking and it relieved you that he’s loosen up a little.

“that wasn’t a joke,” sunwoo said making you laugh even more.

this is one of the many things you loved about him.

“see if you keep up with these jokes until later you’d survive dinner,” you remarked turning back around to the mirror and finishing your makeup. sunwoo only glared at you, “okay but if they ask why were late i’m gonna say it’s because of those damn lashes.”

“also can you drive? because if you let me i might keep going around back here.”

sunwoo’s jest about his nervousness went on the whole drive and you’re just glad he’s not frozen. the ride didn’t take too long and you were in front of your house even before sunwoo could process.

he inhaled before speaking, “i can’t cancel now, can i,” you gently slapped his arm at his remark.

“it’s too late to cancel now but if you feel like crying just tell me, so i can tell them i’m tired so we go back to my apartment already and leave,” you jokingly said before keying in and opening the door.

safe to say sunwoo didn’t broke down in tears that night. he calmed down during dinner and enjoyed the food your dad made, probably the reason why your dad liked him instantly. your mom and sister on the other hand laughed almost the whole night, also found him so lovely for doing sports and managing his studies at the same time.

the night turned out fine, sunwoo was okay, he was happy just as much as you were.

[winter-soldier-vibes]

just a wittle request, could you do something where bucky comforts the reader who has mommy issues after she has a panic attack over the thought of turning out like her mother?

Hi there, sorry this took so long! I still haven’t processed my own so I had to take a few breaks. I apologize if this is off the path of what you meant, I’m going off of my own experience but I know it’s different for everyone.

You're nothing like her.

Bucky x reader

Word count: 3219

Warnings: mommy issues, toxic childhood, talk of divorce, panic attack/anxiety, negative self-talk

A/N: This takes place in a timeline where Bucky is retired

-------------

You did everything you could to avoid it. To avoid her

You left home as soon as you could. When you were in college you were surrounded by people who were homesick, people who wanted to go home, people who finally had to take care of themselves. Things you couldn’t relate to.

You had been supporting yourself most of your life. Not that you had much of a choice. Your dad left when you were younger, your mother blaming it on you. If you had been better, maybe he wouldn’t have left. You, being young, believed her. What else were you supposed to do, growing up in a world that preaches ‘mother knows best’?

Load of bullshit to you.

You knew better now, being an adult, that she didn’t know best. She worked or went out with friends and left you to raise yourself, telling you it was your fault when she neglected her responsibilities. And when you would get upset she would play the victim, crying ‘woe is me’ because you were so ungrateful to the person who raised you after you drove her husband out.

“You know it’s your fault right?” she had snapped at you one night at dinner. There was a graded paper, a B written on the top of it.

“What?”

“You’re the reason he left me. He just couldn’t stand you. You’re the reason why he left and why I’m so miserable now.”

You had felt tears in your eyes.

“Tears, really? Tears aren't going to change the fact that MY husband LEFT.”

Her husband, not your father.

No, you knew better now to know that what she had done and said was wrong. But that didn’t make you forget. It didn’t make it any easier for you.

You went to college, saved up as much as you could, and gave tight-lipped smiles when people asked why you didn’t go home on weekends or vacations. You tried not to talk about her much, but that didn’t stop you from thinking about her.

You had stood at your college graduation, caps thrown and loud laughs and cheers echoing around. There were a bunch of people celebrating around you, taking photos, but you had stood on the outskirts. You had a small smile on your face for everyone else, but you couldn’t help but feel empty inside. You hadn’t made many friends, not close friends, but that was a good thing. You could take the photo so no one was left out.

Not so much of a text from her. She hadn’t come, she hadn’t called or anything.

In a twisted way, you were glad that she hadn’t. She couldn’t make a big deal about how you weren’t the top of your class or how you didn’t deserve to be. How you didn’t have a job set up to start the next week even though you already were planning on submitting your resumes. There wasn’t a way to please her, so it was almost better that she wasn’t there.

You had texted her after a few days and she made up some bullshit excuse that she had forgotten to put it on the calendar.

She liked your Instagram photo though. So thoughtful

You worried you would turn out the same way. Or that she had rubbed off on you in some way. You kept to yourself as much as you could, staying in, keeping your emotions to yourself. It wasn’t that you didn’t trust people, maybe it was, but more so you were worried that you would seem like you were playing the victim.

You didn’t want to bother anyone or make anyone feel obligated to listen to you. You worried that behind your back they would complain about you being emotional or making everything about you.

You worried they would talk about you the same way you thought about your mother.

People are supposed to look to their parents to teach them what to be, yet you found yourself wanting to avoid everything your parents did to you. They taught you exactly who you didn’t want to be.

Your father left. Your mother hated you.

You didn’t share your opinions because you didn’t want to be told you were wrong. You didn’t want to force your ideas onto anyone. Not like what you said would make a difference anyway, not that it mattered in the first place.

You remembered all of the sentences you would start but not finish because no one had heard you. Trying to jump in a few times and eventually giving up when the conversation had moved onto a new subject. All the times people would interrupt or interject, making you feel like you didn’t have something to say that was worth hearing.

You thought it would get better when you got a job. But the pressure you put on yourself to do well in school was transferred to the job you had gotten. You still were afraid that people saw yourself as your mom used to and that you would never be good enough for anyone. You thought that achievements would make you feel fulfilled.

But if you didn’t believe in yourself, what were a few “job well done's” supposed to do?

It made it hard to get into a relationship. People say that “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else,” but that didn’t feel so true to you. It was more that you didn’t trust yourself to love someone else. You worried about hurting whoever you were with, and you told yourself that if you didn’t get close to anyone, you couldn’t hurt them.

But then you ran into him.

He was on a morning run and you were walking home from a night shift, both too tired to see each other coming. You because you had just finished a shift, him because he was running off the nightmare he had had the night previous. Both of you craving a sleep that seemed just out of reach.

You were very apologetic, as was he, both afraid that you had hurt the other. You avoided his eyes even though they were trained anywhere but your own, as he fiddled with his gloved hands and you scratched the back of your neck.

It was the first time either of you had seen someone as unsure as yourselves

You had parted ways with only each other's names. Bucky and y/n.

The two of you crossed paths a few times in the following weeks, eventually getting each other’s phone numbers and agreeing to meet for coffee rather than hoping the other left at the right time. Eventually, the subtle nervous tics each of you had died down as you got to know each other.

For the most part.

You still overly apologized for everything. If you were a few minutes late, if you spaced out...you took the blame for everything.

Traffic had been bad, a storm and an accident causing you to be 5 minutes late rather than 15 minutes early. You had run into the coffee shop, scanning the restaurant with wide eyes when you saw Bucky sitting there casually.

“I am so so so sorry, I should’ve left earlier, there was an accident, I’m so sorry I’m late -”

“Y/n, don’t worry about it,” he had said, a smile on his face and a slight flash of concern on his face. “Seriously, it’s a couple of minutes. It’s literally fine.”

“No, I’m really sorry, I should’ve known or called or something.”

“Relax. It’s totally fine, I promise,” he had said, concern a little more present on his face. “Are you okay though?”

“What? Yeah, I’m good. How have you been with everything?

You wouldn’t let him talk about you. The same way your mother never let you talk about yourself.

Don’t think about her.

He had started opening up to you but you still kept your personal life under lock and key. Your name, how work was, and your physical well-being was about as personal as you got. Even so, if work had been a shit show or you had to pull an all-nighter would go unspoken. He didn’t need the burden of your personal issues. Not when there was nothing he could do about it.

The past was the past, you just had to learn how to get over yourself.

You couldn’t change what your mother had said over a decade ago.

You worried if you talked about yourself at all then you would be making the situation about you. You worried you would project your anger or sadness onto him. He didn’t deserve that. Plus, it wasn’t like he would be able to do anything, right?

You promised yourself you wouldn’t let him get too close. That if he didn’t get close to you, you couldn’t hurt him.

But damn, you’d be lying if you said you didn’t start developing feelings for him. And from the way he had started acting, you thought maybe he was too.

The hugs that were ever so slightly too tight or when he smiled at you a little longer than normal. He had opened up to you about many things in his past, and from the way he talked about it, you could tell he hadn’t talked about it much with anyone else.

You found comfort in your friendship, the way he trusted you. You liked being there for him, and you were honored that he trusted you enough to open up to you. Yet it also made you uneasy that you would ruin it in some way or drive him out.

The same way your mom drove out your father.

Goddamn it don’t think about her.

The closer you got and the closer you and Bucky had gotten, the more nervous you were. That you would turn out like your mother. You were having a harder time keeping to yourself, keeping up the façade that everything was all bright in your world. You wanted to be a light for everyone.

But at some point, days turn to nights and the light gives way to the darkness.

And you weren’t sure how much time you had left before you cracked.

Bucky had started making small moves towards you, and you were trying your best to deflect them in efforts to not fall flat on your face for him. He came over Wednesday nights for a movie and take out with you, and what started as being on two opposite ends of the couch had moved to being next to each other to him having his arm wrapped around you. Sometimes you felt he was a little too close and you would either shift away or get up to grab another drink or ‘use the bathroom’.

When you came back you would make an attempt to sit a bit further away.

Sometimes when Bucky would say goodbye at the end of the night he would hug you. That was nothing new, you were both big on hugs, but lately, he had been hugging you longer or tighter, lingering a few moments longer than could be platonic. You had started ending the hugs earlier, giving him a small squeeze before pulling away.

It wasn’t that you didn’t want to be with Bucky. It was that you were so scared that you would drive him away, leaving you as soon as you had started calling yourself his.

Which is what brought you here. Bucky had come over for another one of your movie nights and had his arm behind the couch rather than around you. An invitation for you to curl into his side, but he wanted you to make that choice. Eventually, you had found yourself curled up with him, his arm wrapped around you, and you could feel the tension.

You wanted to move away before you found yourself in too deep, but you couldn’t resist. It had been a long day and you found comfort with Bucky. Bucky turned his face slightly towards yours, kissing the side of your temple and you felt butterflies in your stomach. Your mind told you to shift away, to not let him get too close, but you found yourself turning your head towards Bucky and he leaned forward to kiss you gently.

After a moment you broke away, emotion taking over you. “I’m sorry, Bucky, I - I can’t do this,” you said, resting your forehead against his.

“Why not?” Bucky whispered, looking into your eyes.

Because I’ll hurt you.

I’ll disappoint you.

I’ll drive you away and I can’t lose the best thing that’s happened to me.

You sighed, standing up and moving away from Bucky. You couldn’t say those things to him out loud. Not without the entire story. And you weren’t ready to share all of that with him.

Bucky stood up with you, afraid he had just ruined the friendship or whatever relationship he had with you. “Y/n, wait, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

You had already left the room and couldn’t really hear him over the sound of your thoughts.

This wasn’t supposed to happen

I wasn’t supposed to let this happen

How could I be so stupid?

You were feeling tears in your eyes and Bucky followed you, afraid of what he did. Your breathing was picking up and you had started mumbling some of these things to yourself.

“Y/n, what’s happening, what did I do?”

You shook your head “You didn’t do anything, but I need you to leave, please,” you said, trying to hide your emotions. You hated being like this.

“I’m not going anywhere y/n, just tell me what’s wrong.”

“Get the fuck out of here Bucky! I don’t want your help!” you snapped suddenly, Bucky looking taken aback before your eyes widened.

“Oh god…”

You shook your head and started crying harder, stumbling over your words. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that, I didn’t mean to yell, I’m so sorry Bucky please don’t leave I'm so sorry.”

Bucky came forward and hugged you gently and you cried into his shirt. He whispered comforting words into your ear as you tried to breathe, embarrassed at how vulnerable you were being.

Bucky kept his breathing slow and even, trying to get you to match him. He had no idea what was happening but he knew he needed you to calm down before he asked. Whatever it was had to be something deep, and you weren’t in the space to talk about it right now.

He brought you over to sit on the corner of your bed, still hugging you as you cried. You were mumbling out apology after apology but Bucky wasn’t having any of it. He kept hugging you, telling you that he wasn’t going anywhere and that you were safe. He had never seen you so upset, or upset at all to begin with.

After you had calmed down a bit, Bucky asked you again what had happened. You shook your head, not knowing what to say.

“I’ve opened up about so many things to you, right?” he pulled back to look at you.

You nodded slightly.

“And you’ve never judged me for any of it.”

You shook your head this time.

“Then why can’t you let me do the same for you?”

You took a deep breath, fiddling with your hands. “I don’t wanna hurt you,” you said, not meeting his eyes.

Bucky drew his eyebrows together, still confused. “Y/n, you’ve been the nicest person I’ve ever met. How would you hurt me?”

You were already shaking your head. “No, see, that’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna be nice and sweet and...and I’m gonna fall in love with you, and you’re gonna fall in love with me. A-and then I’m gonna let you down over and over again and snap at you for things that aren’t your fault and...and you’ll get sick of it and leave and I’m going to hate myself for it, okay?”

“Hey, hey, slow down,” Bucky held your shoulders as they started shaking. You brought a hand to cover your mouth, Bucky hushing you again. “What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”

You took a shaky breath as you ran a hand over your face. “I’m just like her, Bucky. I told myself I would never let myself be like her…”

“Like who?” Bucky asked, blood already boiling at who made you feel like this.

Her.

You weren’t supposed to think about her.

You promised yourself.

“Y/n, stay with me here,” he said, guiding your face back to look at him. “Who?”

“My mother.”

Bucky looked at you for a moment. “What?”

“You know, mothers bring you into the world. They say a mother knows when something is wrong with their kid, that babies are put on their mother’s chest because the skin-to-skin contact starts the bonding process. They’re supposed to protect you, and love you, and take care of you. But then you start to get older and it’s your fault that you were born when you didn’t ask, or your dad left and it’s your fault before you even knew he was gone. All I wanted was to be told what to do and all she would do is tell me what I did wrong. I can’t be like her and the older I get the more scared I am that I’m going to hurt everyone the way that she hurt my father and me.”

You had started crying again as Bucky looked at you, both broken-hearted and furious that someone would make you feel this way. Not to mention it was your own mother.

You took another shaky breath. “I thought the world of her when I was younger. And she barely even gave me the time of day. I keep telling myself that I’m not what she thought of me, but what if I am?” you shook your head again. “And I am so scared that I’m just like her.”

“Y/n, look at me, I need you to look at me when I say this, okay?” he cupped your face with both hands, wiping away your tears with the pads of his thumbs as he looked into your eyes. “You are nothing like your mother.”

You let out a small sob. “You don’t know her.”

“I don’t need to,” he said firmly. “You are kind and gentle. You work hard and you make sure that everyone is taken care of before you even consider yourself. You aren’t going to scare me away or hurt me.” He wiped fresh tears from your eyes. “You are your own person, your mother has no say in who you get to be. Who you are. You are not your mother, and you never will be.” he said, still holding your gaze.

You held his gaze a little longer, knowing he believed what he was saying. You didn’t, not quite yet, but maybe if he believed in you, you could too. You nodded slightly, giving him the smallest of smiles. “Thank you.”

Bucky returned the small smile. “You know I love you, right?”

“I love you too,” you said, smiling.

You meant it, and you knew he did too. And maybe one day, you would love who you’d become too.

------------

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[hellomynameisbisexual]

Andrew Ford was questioned and fetishized when he came out as bisexual. The gay community insisted he wasn’t being honest with himself; women at clubs started to excitedly fantasize about hooking up with two guys at the same time.

All the while, the soccer standout stayed true to himself. Ford came out his freshman year at Malone University, a small Christian liberal arts college in Canton, Ohio — home of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. His friends and teammates were accepting, which was an incredible relief. But his journey into the LGBTQ community was a little more rocky.

“I got a lot of pressure from the gay community,” Ford told me recently on the phone. “I felt like I was misunderstood, and didn’t know who I was.”

Ford is one of an increasing number of openly bisexual college-aged athletes whom we’ve profiled recently on Outsports. Despite some surveys showing more Americans identify as bisexual than either gay or lesbian, there is a dearth of bi visibility in pop culture and sports.

As bi sportswriter Jeff Rueter challenged me: “name a bisexual man, and don’t say Frank Ocean.”

These kick-ass kids are going to change that.

Biphobia is real

Let’s start here: Biphobia is real. It manifests itself in gestures as seemingly fleeting as dismissive jokes, and actions as harrowing as outright physical violence. Bisexual people typically suffer significantly higher rates of depression and anxiety, domestic violence, sexual assault, and poverty than lesbians, gay men, or straight cisgender people, according to the Human Rights Campaign.

A black-and-white society, most of us grow up with the notion people are either straight or gay. Those attitudes have historically prevailed in the LGBTQ community, too.

Alex Keuroghlian, the Director of the National LGBTQIA+ Health Education Center at the Fenway Institute, says bisexual people can be looked at skeptically.

“Within LGBTQIA+ communities, there has historically been a stigma toward bisexual people, and the false notion that they’re really gay and lesbian people who haven’t accepted that about themselves,” he said.

Megan Duthart, a rower at Washington State University who identifies as both bi and queer, has experienced the stigma first-hand. She says she thinks bisexual people are often excluded in the LGBTQ community.

“I’ve struggled a little bit with being identified as an ‘other’ in the community with the term ‘bisexuality,’” she said.

Why are bi people targeted for erasure?

More people are identifying as bisexual. Over three percent of U.S. adults say they’re bi, according to the 2018 General Social Survey. That’s three times the number as 2008.

And yet, bi people are still targeted for erasure. One of the ways it happens is through language. When people see same-sex couples, for example, they may be inclined to label them as “gay” or “lesbian,” without considering that one or both of the people could identity as bi.

While Americans’ attitudes about sexuality are evolving, many still adhere to more binary definitions of sexual orientation. A recent YouGov poll found 41 percent of American adults don’t think sexuality is a spectrum (conversely, 37 percent think it is).

As Ford puts it, bisexuality is stereotypically viewed as “the stepping stone stage.” That ties into one of the more insidious aspects of bi-erasure: the belief that it’s just a phase. It’s a line Ford recalls hearing many times, from both men and women.

“(Gay men) said, ‘I came out as bisexual first. It’s just a phase, you won’t be there long,’” Ford said. “I was also scared how women would think about it. They wanted to change me. Some of them wanted to use it as a thrill they were seeking.”

When professional hockey player Zach Sullivan came out as bi, his father told him it meant he was still making up his mind.

“I remember what my dad said when I told him,” Sullivan said. “‘Well, you aren’t all the way there. You haven’t really decided.’ I was like, ‘no, I know I’m attracted to both genders. I’m not halfway towards coming out as gay.’”

The bi burden

Every LGBTQ person can relate to the fear and anxiety of coming out. But for most of us, once we do it, it’s over.

That’s not the case for bi people.

“We have to keep coming out to our significant others, whether it’s a man or a woman,” Ford said. “If you’re gay and you start dating a gay, you’re not going to be like, ‘I have to tell you something: I’m gay.’ They’re going to be like, ‘no shit.’”

And once bi people do come out, they could get charged with being greedy — the sexual equivalent of having their cake and eating it, too. The insult angers Sullivan.

“The majority of people in the LGBT+ community have struggled with their sexuality, and when they finally become comfortable enough to come out in the open with their sexuality, I don’t think the first thing to say to someone who’s come out as bisexual is they’re greedy,” Sullivan said. “I took over 10 years to get to where I am.”

Duthart finds the concept of bisexuality can be difficult to explain. She largely identifies as queer.

“I’ve had coaches question whether I’m rebelling or going through a phase,” she said. “Then when I explain the whole queer aspect, they’re like, ‘Oh, OK. That seems more justified.’ I don’t want to have to justify those things, but I sort of have to.”

Changing attitudes

Jack Storrs came out as bisexual last year as a college football captain. His teammates at Pomona-Pitzer rallied around him, and wore Pride decals on their helmets.

But even some who were supportive suggested he was on his way to identifying as gay. Storrs said he couldn’t hide his feelings for men anymore, and came out because he wanted to explore.

Maybe he was gay, maybe he wasn’t. The questions didn't bother him. He was a relieved to have the dialogue.

“It was killing me on the inside,” Storrs said. “It got to the point where I was like, ‘screw it.’ This is who I am, and this was meant to be.”

Nowadays, Storrs says he’s more towards the “gay end of the spectrum,” and expects the fluidity to continue.

He’s cool with that, and numbers show his peers are, too. Generation Z is among the most progressive and diverse in U.S. history. A 2018 study from Ipsos Mori shows only 66 percent of young people today identify exclusively as heterosexual.

Young people have a better understanding of how sexuality can evolve, says Keuroghlian.

“There’s been less of a reflex to box people in, and categorize people in ways that could be static,” he said. “A key part of all of this is not projecting behavior or projecting attraction. People tell us — they self-identify that’s who they are. And we have to honor that.”

Visibility challenges misperceptions

But to get back to Rueter’s question: can you name a famous out bisexual person besides Frank Ocean?

It’s challenging, and the lack of bi visibility may be one of the biggest contributors towards bi-erasure. But that is changing. Each person who comes out as bisexual has the ability to change perceptions within their own communities — and many young athletes are.

Bri Tollie, a bisexual college basketball player at Southern Methodist University, wrote in her coming-out story she refuses to conform.

“It is important to be visible because everyone is unique,” she wrote. “Our uniqueness means no one should not have to give up a part of themselves to conform. It is called self-respect.”

Growing up, Storrs tried to shut off his attraction to guys. He told himself it wasn’t a big deal, but the angst became all-encompassing.

Storrs is done hiding any part of himself. He did that for far too long, and is now out for all to see.

“I am bisexual, and my point is, I don’t really give a shit what anybody else thinks,” Storrs said. “This is who I am, and I don’t have to figure it out, but the reason I’m coming out is to figure it out, or at least get to a point where I’m comfortable.”

With their stories, these young bi athletes are making it more comfortable for bi people every single day.