#i'd let astarion [redacted] me

[astrxealis]

friends i really want to share astarion to you guys who don't know him/well because GODS he's everything ... he's the moment he's the world he's the light he's the darkness.....

[wetcatspellcaster]

Hi dear Ms. Wet Cat, I’d like to scream about the latest Pieces chapter if that’s all right!

I think taking away flirting from Astarion is fucking GENIUS. It’s so fascinating to see him try to navigate direct communication and being so… honest?? We all knew but the contrast really illuminates how much he was actually deflecting all the fucking time.

Also I’m now so invested in Astarion and Ser Verity’s relationship I’m not even kidding. You write her delightfully. And I realized we definitely need to see more Astarion/cat action in general. Let 👏🏻 Astarion 👏🏻 pet 👏🏻 cats 👏🏻 (and wear jumpers because that was fucking adorable)

I’ve been thinking about your Astarion and wanted to ask you — do you think he is sort of even more weary of himself than in game? Cazador controlled him but not to the point of complete override like Ascendent did. He used ALL of him, none of him was his own. And now even tiny things like his body language and ways of communicating feel tainted?

hello very lovely anon, thank you for the message! <3

I'm really thankful for the kind feedback! Act 3 has weirdly and accidentally become the most AU characterisation of both characters, and I only appreciated this once I'd returned to my in-game narrative lmao. Astarion is feeling guilty and weird about flirting!! Rosalie is just tired and wants a hug!! He's waiting for an explosive argument and a roast that's never going to come, because Rose said all she needed to to the Ascendent and she just wants to rest!!

Anyway, it means the chapters are taking a little longer to draft and a lot more thought than usual. I'm really thankful people are enjoying it, I think it's going to be fun getting them both back onto an even keel but I'm doing it carefully. Knowing readers are still on board with my shenanigans is always a relief lmao.

As to your question! I one day dream about writing a meta post of what the Ascendent is so I can explain every facet of my thinking, but the fear the Ascendent represents to me is [REDACTED - to be explained in due course], and the fear he represents for Astarion is a mixture of extreme, unpleasant dissociation in traumatic episodes, [REDACTED - to be explained in due course], and the idea that someone only ever wanted the facade. That they only ever wanted the experience the body and what the body could facilitate, with no care for what's underneath. So yeah, he's feeling some kind of way about himself. Like yes, he's done horrible things to Rosalie, but he wasn't in control of any of it - that's the dissociation. You're right, it did use all of him. But he also has a set of memories confirming that what people wanted from his was just sexual fantasy and power, and so while there's disgust at his own behaviour and the time he's lost basically being driven by an outside force, there's also the knowledge that people liked him like that, which um. I don't know. Confirms a lot of what I think his fears are? That personally would cause me to freak out. No wonder flirting feels weird!

(To end on a lighter note, Ser Verity is a combination of three cats in my life, my two little demons and then my bestie's cat, so truly like. just a chimera of cat energy!)

[optiwashere]

Saturday Mind Soup + Random Fandom Ravings

Not a new music kinda day for me. Instead, I'm about to get ready to do sadly normal adult things instead of writing.

But!

I did write over the course of the week. Here's what I've been working on the past few days. I also have a question at the end that I'd love to hear your answer to, just out of sheer curiosity.

I can now just fucking call it Nightsongs lmao. I edited down two of the chapters (they were legitimately bloated) but also bulked up the second chapter a bit, so six of one half-dozen of the other.

Chapter [redacted+1] is still in the works, but I have enough buffer time to work on it that I'm not worried. It's just... a lot, emotionally.

Wrote some silly rat fluff that, of course, turned into a fic about comfort in its own way. I am far too obvious.

I'm writing a second chapter for Blades in the Night because I like the idea too much to let it sit. It's going to sit in a sorta... "complete, but open for more" status basically forever at this rate. Also, it's an excuse for smut.

Everything else has been kinda blahhhhh in my head. I have a couple ideas that I rattle around, but nothing sticks on the page. It all ends up being unreadable gunk. This annoys me because I want to write these ideas, but I get a strange block about them.

Since the rant got longer than I expected, my question was: If you read other Shadowheart/OC writers, who are your favorites? I could use the recs, because I feel like I know a handful and that's all.

I think the last bullet of my working on list is related to the "era" of fandom we're in. The fandom hype is slowing down, at least the non-Astarion fandom. Additionally, people's headcanons are starting to solidify and fanon is coalescing around... something? I really don't know what, and it's weird being completely in the dark about it.

Either way, I find myself in that space where I'm suddenly and weirdly discomfited by it all. I worry about my characterization more than usual and dedicate less time to writing than I want to because of it.

To add onto that surreal feeling, there's the realization that I don't really... know anyone in the Shadowheart/OC sphere. Is it even a corner of fandom that exists? Are there "big" Shadowheart/OC writers? There's a fair amount of fanart, but the "big" fanartists have chosen their corners which is going to cause a certain element to form around them that will be interesting to see in the future.

I could name a few writers in my general corner whose fics are very popular, but I never hear from them or see them around. I have to assume they're not very active elsewhere. IDK, it's all so bizarre and makes the fairly popular category of Shadowheart/OC feel empty. I forgot how hollow fandom spaces feel when you ignore the corner that overshadows everything else.

Every week or so, I try to find writers whose works aren't getting a ton of comments/reach and read them, commenting on the ones that I enjoy. I'm always hopeful that I'll find a rapport with those people, but it doesn't always work out that way. There's a couple people here that I know follow me from those sorts of comments, so feel free to say hello! This is mostly a weird rant.

The feelings will pass. They always do. In the moment, however, they cause blocks that don't need to be there.