#i'll move through it and come out the otherside stronger

[panspaming]

Hm. Acceptance.

[sourcandycigs]

Life Update 2024

Hi world. Or nobody. Probably nobody.

So I have a long term partner now, we'll call him Zayne. I've never loved somebody like this and its so beautiful but so painful at the same time. Basically my life was on track and great until the week after my birthday last year in December.

I've lost a ton of confidence and have been so anxious and paranoid I've been throwing up on and off and I just wanna feel how I used to.

I'm trying to find reasons for it and the one that worries me the most is that it's my relationship and I need to break up with my partner. But I do NOT ever wanna do that. Ever. He's my whole world and I've never loved somebody so deeply.

I'm just filled with doubt at the moment and anxiety. I used to feel so calm and happy in my life but now I feel like I'm sinking into this deep pit and just want to wake up normal again.

Honestly if I didn't want this relationship to be the ONE for life I wouldn't be getting this worried or sick thinking about it.

He's so beautiful.

Let me tell you a bit about him instead of focusing on all this negative shit I've got going on in my head one sec.

He's so funny, like he has my humour and can always make me smile even when I'm in tears. He's so weird, and goofy and just such a fucking loon.

He's so fit aswell, you have no idea. He's literally stunning. Gorgeous eyes, toned muscles and a lovely little perky bum.

He's a passionate lover, I've never had sex like it in my life which upsets me at the moment because my sex drive is WAY down because of my anxiety at the moment and I wanna get comfortable again and start enjoying my relationship again.

I feel like I'm messing this up, I haven't felt this way in ages. Last time I had a wobble like this was when me and my ex had broken up and I was stressed about finding somewhere new to live and where my life was going.

I think that's what this is again, the panic about my life and I'm just pinning it on my relationship because I'm trying to find answers and because my relationship is the most important thing in my life that's the thing that if I think about it being the issue bothers me so much.

It's just nasty thoughts that normally would just pass but because I'm not as confident and I'm anxious anyway they are really bothering and I'm looking WAY too far into them.

This is the man I want children with, the man I want to marry. No takebacks this time. I will work through this and come out the otherside stronger and happier than before, (he's also being so supportive and understanding through all of this I don't know where I'd be without him).

I'm putting so much pressure on myself and my feelings. We moved in together to a flat and at first I loved it and settled in well over time but ever since this December wobble I've found the flat a really daunting place to be because that was where I was at when these anxious feelings started. I just feel so isolated and alone in my own thoughts at the moment and wanna just snap out of it.

I also have been doing my first serious job and that is probably adding to the anxiety, I felt alright before but again ever since this December wobble going to work has been hard because all I can think about is my anxiety!

My dad has really bad mental health issues and I'm worried I've inherited it lol, he is so anxious he dry heaves and throws up and I'm trying to not let myself get that bad again.

Zayne says all I can do is carry on going and not expect to feel like myself all in one day, and I know he's right. I just gotta keep going and eventually I know I'll get back to a good place, tbf it has only been a month or so since this all started. I think I'm also getting a bit depressed by it aswell.

Oh well, we move. I love him more than anything in the whole world. At least that I'm sure of. There's NOBODY else I'd rather be with and that's not bullshit. I know that in my soul.

I can do this, I can get through this, though it may suck a lot. I will come back onto my blog in a few months time and hopefully feel more like myself and be more on track.

Until then, I've got great support from my friends and family and honestly I consider Zayne and his family my family now more than my own. I miss living with his parents and do really wanna move back but know I can't run away from adult life forever and will just have to adjust. I think I was just very distracted when I first moved into the flat and it made the move and the intensity of it all not even register so when it all finally hit me it caused a mini life crisis/breakdown.

I'm already on the mend though I know it, I was MUCH worse so that's a win in my book. Just gotta focus on eating and taking care of myself and crying when I need to cry.

Well that was a mouthful lol, what an update. But to look on the brightside I have my life set now, a man that's gonna be a husband and a father and a family and set of friends who are gonna be there every step of the way. Now to re-settle and start enjoying it again and stop overthinking.

Easier said than done but all I can do is try.

I'll end this with a letter to myself:

Hi Em,

I know right now your mind is probably running wild but breathe.

You aren't alone, you don't need to feel trapped or panicked.

You can feel anxious, you can overthink. It's what you do and that's okay. But remember the end goal here. The family and the home with you and Zayne's kids. Bringing up a family together.

This is a bump in the road and if you are willing to crumble at the first big bump you'll never get any stronger.

Don't get mad for not feeling 100% straight away, it will take time and it's a process. One day you might feel just like yourself again and then the next 3 days suck. Try and enjoy yourself, your friends and your lover.

Life is just getting serious now. And this isn't the time to drop and run, it's the time to knuckle down and buckle in.

I love you Em, you are so cool and funny and kind and honest. But stop scaring yourself and don't think because you feel calm you're just pretending to because something's always wrong ffs.

Love you Em. We'll get through this.

You can't act like a teenager forever x