#i'm glad i at least started screaming back when i hit 14

[waitfuckitsnotjustptsd]

been coming to some realizations about the ol' teenage years and the effects of social isolation, csa, emotional and physical abuse, and religious brainwashing all whipped up into a nauseating salad while you're going through puberty for the first time

that's where a lot of my relationship and sexual dysfunction come from. being forced to confess every single fucking thing to a parental figure who then threatened to go tell the creepy old bishop about "your little problem." as if me touching my own body was some kind of horrible addiction. she made me dissociate completely from my whole body and suppress every natural urge i had. she told me god would only forgive me a few times and then he'd stop after that because clearly i wasn't really sorry enough for enjoying my body at all

and then she just engaged the rest of the fucking family to make sure i never had any time alone, which was the most horrible overstimulating shit ever for my autistic ass. i wasn't allowed any alone time for any reason. shower? she'd always find a time to sneak up and knock on the door really hard just to make me jump and keep me on edge. actually she did that for fun all the damn time, just like she pulled the hair at the nape of my neck to see me tear up because she found it hilarious. she screamed at me when i finally did it back to her though.

never had a problem holding me down to stick needles in my face, feeling me up under my shirt, touching me everywhere no matter how much i hated it and made that clear, pulling up my shirt and bra in front of the rest of the family. people make fun of the weird kids who bark and growl, but it was the only thing that made her back off.

and there was nobody i could talk to, because "family things stay in the family." i wasn't allowed to go to public school or leave the house at all without a parent until i was 17 just so she could control my entire world. i had exactly one crush for about a week until she found out and started tearing me down for it. i couldn't have any friends she didn't personally approve, and she also had to personally approve their parents. i wasn't allowed sleepovers. one time i came back from a church activity wearing blue eyeshadow one of the youth group leaders had put on me because i liked it, and she told me i looked "like a prostitute" and freaked the fuck out. the Sunday after that, she copied her own makeup onto me to show me off as essentially a tiny version of her to all the adults at church.

she was honestly just a possessive jealous creepy gross incestuous pedophile, and i wanted to die. the only way for me to escape was burying myself in a book and getting my consciousness outside of myself completely. even that wasn't enough after a while.

she realized one day that i was getting bigger than her, and she decided to start having weird wrestling matches with me on the living room floor. i'd been carefully supervised through tae kwon do classes but i was too scared to hit her. she always ended up tickling me and sitting on me in ways that weren't right for anyone to do to a kid to win. i just wanted to let loose, crack her jaw, throw her out the window, but i knew if i did that the consequences would be severe.

if i ever see her again i'm showing her what a left hook feels like. she loved to complain about how i was born evil and just the most badly-behaved kid of all time, but sometimes i wish i'd really unleashed everything and shown her what an unholy terror really is.

nowadays touch is still a minefield for me, even just a tap on the shoulder can send me into furious shaking. i don't know how to have sex without ignoring what i feel and just trying to make someone else feel good. i can't cuddle anyone but my girlfriend, and even that kinda freaks me out sometimes.

the moral of the story is, don't fucking have kids if you're going to abuse them. don't even get a pet. collect rocks or something, find a hobby, tie a boulder around your neck and chuck it off a cliff into the ocean like that jesus guy said, but don't have kids if you're going to abuse them. oh and burn your bible/book of mormon/christian scriptures of choice, that's not a childrearing manual.

[sunnyie-eve]

14 | Here for support

Series: Uttermost Lifestyle

Paring: Johnny Knoxville x Original female character

Word Count: 1.4k

Warnings: none

| MASTERLIST |

~

Since that dumb drunk night, the guys refuse to let it go. I swear every second they have to remind me they saw my tits. At least when I had a certain look on my face they knew to drop it immediately or they were about to get it.

"Can we talk?" Johnny walks up to me as I was chatting with Ryan as we all wait to get in the van.

"Yeah, of course." I say making him nod his head and kinda motion for me to follow him away from everyone.  Dunn gives me a look and I knew he was saying, this better be a fucking apology.

As we were a good ways Johnny stops turning to face me, "I know I shouldn't have waited this long to apologize to you about what I said in Japan. I wanted to stop you before you left my room, but I was being an idiot just yelling at myself on the inside. Every day up to now since then I wanted to say sorry but I could never get you alone. Dunn or Bam or both were always right there by you." He explains to me.

"What made you finally decide to ask me away from one?"

"Finally got the balls to man up. I'm so sorry Alex. I was just fucking pissed that one of the other guys saw you naked. I didn't mean any of the shit I said... I only said it because I was upset. I hate myself for making you cry." He apologizes keeping eye contact with me the whole time he was talking.

"I'm just glad you finally apologized. I hated how we've been since then. I miss having the dorky caring you around me. I miss being close to you." I say making him smile. "You must sorta hate me since now the whole cast saw my upper half naked when I was fucked up." I laugh.

"I don't hate you, I hated all the guys cheering about it. They should have respected you a little since you aren't some random girl, you're they're cast member." He says making me get a big smile.

"Well you did. You stayed quite the whole time. Plus Ryan and Bam helped me out afterwards so they respected me." I look back over at Ryan watching us.

"So we're all better now right?" He asks so I just jump on him giving him a hug. "I take that as a yes." He chuckles walking us back to the van.

When we to the zoo to film Jeff wanted Weeman to get bit by a baby gator on the boob but he refused to do it. Since he wanted nothing to do with Johnny steps up to take his place. He takes his shirt off to get bit and as soon as it clamped onto him he screams.

"See, that's what the big ones do. But sometimes they don't wanna-," Johnny cuts Manny off by yelling more.

"You're twisting him! You're fuckin' twisting him!" Johnny shouts before biting his fist. He starts to yell as it gets his nipple so they get it off him.

"Can I get it right here?" I motion to the back of my arm making everyone look at me.

"Weeman how you feeling now? Even Alex wants to do it." Preston laughs as I move to get bit.

"When I say Oklahoma, I'm done." I let them know and they agree. As soon as it hit a hold of my arm I hiss closing my eyes. "Oh, that does not feel good at all." I turn my head to look at it. Luckily for me it lets go of me without having to force it to let go.

"You're bleeding." Johnny looks at it.

"I'll be fine." I say as we go watch Steve-O now that his tightrope was set up.

Now as we wait for Steve-O, Ryan looks at my arm closer. "You took that so well." He moves my arm towards the sun light to see better.

"It fucking hurt. I was acting tough." I whisper the truth to him making him laugh at me.

"You're secret is safe with me." He leans into my ear as we see Steve-O come out.

"There's no such thing as failure, Steve-O. One thing I know is good tightrope walking." Johnny says making us all laugh.

When Steve-O falls he grabs back on deciding to crawl across upside down with raw chicken tucked into his bottoms.

"You got it Steve-O." I tell him as the guys laugh.

Multiple of times we had to tell him to keep his head up as the gators tried to get to him. When he fall into the water he puts the meat back in the aims his ass towards one so it would take it.

"Don't look." We all tell him as he starts to get vocal waiting. As soon as it does he runs off right into a crocodile out of the water making everyone laugh while I take a breath in.

"Why do you wear your pants so fucking low?" I ask Johnny as we walk around so he looks down at himself.

"What's wrong with it?"

"Your dick is gonna show at some point." I laugh at him.

"No it's not and your pants are low too." He hooks his finger through my belt loop.

"Not as low as yours! Your ass crack will show if you bend over mine won't." I turn him around causing him to laugh.

"So you don't like seeing this?" He moves away so I can look at him. Of course I liked seeing his v-line it was fucking hot. "You're not saying anything." He smirks and I get embarrassed so I walk away from him going over to Ryan.

~

"Alex, I need you!" Ryan was knocking at my door so I get up going to open it.

"How many I be a service?" I force a smile because I never get a break from him.

"I have to put a car in my butt and I need you with me." He smiles so I start to close my door on him but he stops me. "Come on, Ri. I need support." He whines pushing my door open.

"I need to get paid more just for having to watch things I don't wanna see." I leave my room following him.

"You really got her to agree to come watch?" Bam says as I walk in behind Ryan.

"I'm here for support." I don't even smile going over Bam's side. "Can he just start now so this will get over faster?"

"I'll probably use all of this before the end of the segment. Uh, what else we got? A condom. Thank you. And, um, a little toy car- blue. It's my favorite color." He shows the camera every thing before setting it all up to go into his ass.

"I gotta get another job." Ed says making me laugh.

"You? Me!" I point at myself as Ryan lubes up his butthole.

Manny ends up coming in when Ryan gets the car in his butt. "Someone help me up. Alex?" Ryan begs me.

"You have lubed up hands that touched your ass, no." I shake my head as he gets up himself pulling his pants up all the way.

We end up having to go to two different places for Ryan's X-rays because the first place didn't have the reaction we wanted. As Ryan walks out of the second place Bam tries making him get to us quicker but he didn't. Ryan shows us the X-rays and we couldn't stop laying at them.

Watching Ryan try to shit the car out was the worst thing ever. "Give me a hug. I had a toy car in my ass." Ryan holds tissue in his butt while trying to hug Bam who wanted to get away.

"For fucksake." Bam just lets him. "Now get a hug from Alex." He gets away shoving me towards Ryan.

"Come here, Ry. I'll give you a better hug." I laugh going up to him wrapping one arm around his neck and the other around his back.

"This is nice." He laughs resting his head on my shoulder.

"Okay, and that's enough now." I move away from him.

"I thought I could rely on you." He pouts.

"You wanted a hug I gave you one. Now leave me alone." I run to my room.

[starlighthan]

RIELLLL CONGRATS ON 50 FOLLOWERS MUAHAHAHA I KNOW YOU'LL HAVE MANY MANY MORE >:) 14 and Felix pls if you don't mind, darling 🥺👉🏼👈🏼 MABUHAY PILIPINAS FILOSTAY UNITE AYO

FLEEING

pairing: hufflepuff!felix and gryffindor!reader (ft. other idols)

genre: fluff, established relationship, hogwarts au

warnings: none

word count: 0.9k words

note: thanks for requesting! i really enjoyed writing this one! i'm glad that you're okay with this as a hogwarts au, i hope your gryffindor heart enjoyed <33

prompt/s: #14 - "people are staring." "that doesn't take away that urge to kiss you right now."

© starlighthan - all rights reserved. please do not copy, translate, modify, repost, or claim as yours.

the common room is filled with cheers and screams for the hufflepuff team’s win against gryffindor. what used to be the most calming place on earth has gone to be the home of hufflepuff’s victories.

everybody’s looking forward to seeing their own pride, their quidditch team, arrive. while you are pacing at one side of the common room, getting a little concerned over one little mishap that happened earlier in the game.

“you’re probably in the wrong place to roam around here, _____.”

you look back and see their captain, “i’m sorry, seulgi. i saw felix almost get hit by a bludger. i really want to come here and see if he’s okay. sorry about that.”

the girl in front of you smiles, “no worries! you’re welcome to celebrate here with us!” she pats your back and whispers to you, “we all know your lover enjoys your presence here.”

you became friends with seulgi after consistently showing up in hufflepuff’s games. not to mention that you two started to talk a lot to each other when felix started to invite you to their common room.

being gryffindor’s keeper, you also encountered seulgi and felix a lot in the game. in the end, there would be one winner, but your relationships with the two hufflepuffs slowly become stronger. yet nobody expected you and felix to go way past the status of being friends, by the way.

your cheeks heat up, and you ask softly to her, “is he alright though?”

absolutely endeared by you, she kindly answers, “he’s in good condition. he was brought to the hospital wing to check if there are any injuries though. i’m pretty sure he’s alright, _____.”

before you get to respond, you hear another round of loud claps and cheers from the hufflepuffs. it was the signal that the heroes of today’s success came in.

“go find your loverboy, _____. we all know he’s waiting for you,” seulgi pushes you near the crowd, “come on! i know he’s finding you!”

jisung sees you and yells, “our favorite gryffindor’s here!”

whatever jisung said is true, the hufflepuffs love you very much. you literally met the nicest people to exist, and they all think you are just the best person out there. at least one of them gives you pastries every week and you swear that they’re all so precious.

all of the hufflepuffs just turned their heads in your direction and you suddenly feel your palms get sweaty.

stumbling over words, you decided to silently search for felix. the hufflepuffs were nice enough to approach you gently along the way. you were just shocked over how they all just looked at you at the same time.

once you get to find that blonde beater, you call his name.

everything slowly runs through your vision, and you really thought that felix looks ethereal. you stood there while felix walks towards you with the brightest smile ever to exist.

“i’m so glad you’re here! i missed you!” felix greets you with a tight hug, a hug that never disappoints you. there’s always comfort in that tight feeling between his arms.

wait, felix walked to you smoothly, in his uniform looking clean. he’s okay.

a relieved sigh echoes through the room. “you’re okay, thank god.”

you hear a small laugh beside you, felix is still hugging you. “yes, i am. what’s the matter?”

“i was a little scared that you almost got injured by that bludger. i rushed here right when the match finished.”

“oh, really?” the boy in front of you widens his eyes, “that’s kind of cute, actually.”

scoffing, you pinch his side, and felix shrieks. “i was genuinely concerned, felix. who knows what might’ve happened after that bludger went past you by less than a centimeter!”

felix chuckles, “so, were you distracted in the game because of me? that’s really cute, i’m telling you!”

you bring up your hand in an attempt to pinch him again which felix avoids this time. “you’re not taking my worries seriously,” you groan.

he steps forward and reaches your hands to hold onto, “i am, _____. i get you, but hey! i’m alright, really. that’s what’s important, isn’t it?”

sighing, you hold his hands back, “right, you have a point.”

felix leans towards you, softly telling you something, “i really appreciate your concern, love. you’ve always been so sweet. thank you so much.”

then, the blonde attempts to get closer to you, only resulting in you putting your hand on his chest to stop him. “people are staring.”

felix giggles, gently removing your hand from him, “that doesn’t take away that urge to kiss you right now.”

raising your eyebrow, you decide to take him somewhere else. felix is clueless on why you’re pulling him out of the common room, “where are we going?”

you look back at him, “somewhere private. hopefully, there’s a place where we can be private for once.”

“how about the astronomy tower?” felix suggests to you. you stop.

humming, you agreed with the idea, “let’s go. i don’t mind getting caught by our prefect this time.”

“all of this just for my kiss?”

“no. i'm also gonna steal you away from your beloved friends, felix. i want some time with the notorious loverboy.”

“i love you so much.”

“i love you more than you think.”

[nu-l-o-v-e]

Hello! I'm so grateful for your kind effort to contribute something constructive to this fandom ^_^ On that note, may I request this? Name: Y/N (reader) Member: JR Genre: Hurt/Comfort Summary: She's been a long-time childhood friend of JR, the person who also realizes the amount of effort he's put in the industry for the past 9 years. So she can't help but worry for him, staring at their tv and seeing his name next to #14. She calls him after the broadcast and tries to cheer him up. Thank you!

@commuovereus

It was 4 am, you sat in front of your laptop starring at the blank screen that had been streaming the Produce 101 Season 2 finale. There was a heavy weight on your chest as you held back a your tears. An hour had ticked by without you even noticing; all you could think about is how Jonghyun must be feeling. Even though he smiled as they announced the 11th member of Wanna One, you could see the pain in his eyes as he looked up at Minhyun sitting alone. Never in your wildest dreams did you think that NU’EST would be separated like this. Your heart was breaking; as a ㄴㅇㅅㅌ the uncertainty of NU’EST’s future was suffocating. As Jonghyun’s childhood friend, the injustice that just occurred was infuriating. How could this have happened to him? Why was the world so against him being successful? Growing up together, he had never done anything that would warrant this kind of karma from the world. He was the kindest, most selfless person you had ever met; what could he have possibly done for luck to not be on his side?

The last time you had spoken to him was just before PD101 had started. He had called you; anxious about what the next 3 months were going to hold. You could still vividly remember being able to hear the fear in his voice as he stuttered over his words. You knew that he has been crying that day; he always did when he thought about NU’EST’s future. He blamed himself for their “failure” but you disagreed. You had been with him every step of the way: the day he got casted; the long bus rides to and from Seoul together, you studied while he practiced; the day he told you about meeting the members that would eventually become NU’EST; their debut day and all the practice and hard work that went into it; how excited he was when the first fan joined their fan café; all the extra time and effort he put into each comeback so that their fans wouldn’t regret loving them, and so that new fans would also like them. He was far from being a failure and with a leader like that, how could NU’EST possibly fail?

When you finally pulled yourself together your first instinct was to call and comfort him. You grabbed your phone off the nightstand and dialed his number, but hesitated. What if he was already asleep, you didn’t want to wake him. But what if he was awake, sad and alone in his room; blaming himself for what happened earlier that night? You hit dial before you could talk yourself out of it. You held your breath as the phone rang a couple times before going straight to voice mail, “Hi, it’s Jonghyun! Sorry I missed your call, but leave a message and I’ll call you back ASAP” *BEEP.* You hesitated again and hung up, as your lungs screamed for air. You didn’t even know what you were going to say to him when he picked up, how could you possibly leave him a message. If it had been that easy you would have just texted him. You thought about calling him again, but decided against it. Sighing you slipped under the covers and glared at the blinking red numbers on your alarm clock. It was almost 5am, you had to be up in 4 hours for work, but you were too angry and hurt to go to sleep. All you wanted to do was scream at the world for being so unfair.

Your eyes were just about to slip closed after an hour of tossing and turning when the vibrations from your phone woke you up. You reached over and angrily grabbed the annoying thing before shooting straight out of bed when you read the name on the caller ID: “K Jongie.”

“Hi Y/N, I’m sorry I missed your call earlier, we all went out for drinks.” His voice was a hoarse and he spoke quickly, though he didn’t sound drunk.  

“Jonghyun-ah… I’m…about tonight… are you…okay…?” Hours later and you still didn’t know what to say to him to make the situation any better. There was a long pause on the other end before he replied.

“Y/N…Of course I’m going to be okay. I wasn’t expecting to win…” The way he said your name broke your heart all over again; tears began brimming your eyes.

“I’m not asking if you’re going to be okay Jonghyun! I know that you will be. I’m asking if you’re okay RIGHT NOW?” The line was quiet so you continued, “ And don’t twist your words like that; I know you weren’t expecting to win, but you were expecting to make the top 11! We all were! What happened tonight wasn’t fai—-”

“We can’t doing anything about it Y/N!… the national producers made their choice. I just… fell short I guess.” He was searching for the right words; you knew he didn’t want to completely give away how he was feeling. However, you knew; he sounded sad, but more than anything he sounded tired. You realized in that moment no matter how strong he tried to be; everything was slowly starting to take its toll. The weight he had been carrying on his shoulder may have lessened due to the exposure from PD101, but it was still heavy. He, more than anyone, realized what the implications of the results could mean.

“Jonghy—-”

“But it’s okay,” He cut you off crisply, “at least Minhyun made it. One of us made it, and that’s more than I could ask for.” He was telling the truth, you knew that. A part of you wanted him to be angry, to let out all the hurt that was locked away. You wanted more than anything for him to be a little bit selfish and fight for the things he wanted. He wasn’t like that though, and he never would be.

“You should have been up there with him though…” You didn’t know why you were pleading with him like this; it was out of his hands too. You just wanted him to know that he wasn’t a failure, that none of this was his fault, that his hard work would pay off, and that no matter what he should keep fighting for his dream because he has everything it takes to be a great leader.

You paused before continuing, “Jonghyun-ah, you know that I love you, and I’m so sorry… I’m sorry that like always, people took you for granted. I’m sorry that even after proving yourself as an amazing leader, they still left you behind. I’m sorry that you even had to be on that stupid show to begin with. I’m sorry that—-” You were crying, practically on the verge of sobbing before he cut you off.

“Why are you apologizing Y/N?” You heard him sniffle on the other side and knew that he was holding back tears.

“I’m apologizing because as your friend I couldn’t do more for you and as a fan I couldn’t keep this situation from happening. You deserve so much more than this… NU’EST deserves so much more than this. I just want you to know that none of this is your fault; NU’EST couldn’t have asked for a better leader. You know that right? Most of the Wanna One members made it because they had your guidance, they will do well because they had you.” You could hear him shuffling around on the other end of the line, before you heard the familiar creaking of his bed.

The line was dead silent; you could hear faint breathing in the background, which you assumed was Ren, fast asleep. Jonghyun was quietly considering your words for what felt like hours. You wanted to say more, but he spoke before you could get started again.

“Y/N…Y/N…Y/N… what am I going to do with you? You are carrying more guilt than I am.” He let out a soft chuckle as he continued to sniffle. “Don’t feel guilty, and please don’t cry. You did everything you could have for me, and I’m so thankful that till the end I will always have you… as my friend and as my fan.”

“You know that I’ll always be here, your fans will always be here for you too.” There was silence on the other end again, but you could have sworn you heard him whisper, “I know.” You both sat in silence for a while longer, listening to the calming rhythm of each other’s breathing.

“Y/N, remember how I called you before the show started? I was scared and nervous.” You nodded along even though he couldn’t see you, “But I learned something while being on the show…” He took a deep breath before continuing, “some things are just out of my control, and blaming myself isn’t going to get me anywhere. I may not have made it, but I keep reminding myself that my goal wasn’t to be in that group. Do you remember why I said I wanted to be on the show?”

You thought back to the details of your last conversation. “To help get NU’EST recognition,” you whispered.

“That’s right, my goals was to help NU’EST get recognition. Good or bad, I think I was able to accomplish that. With Minhyun in Wanna One and the rest of us here, I think we can keep NU’EST alive a little bit longer.”

You wiped away your tears; for the first time all night you felt a little bit of hope. “So you’re really okay?” You were still a little doubtful, but you could hear a difference in his voice and the way he spoke about NU’EST’s future. He also seemed to have found a light, no matter how faint.

“I’m doing better than you gave me credit for!” He laughed his signature hearty laugh. “Y/N, how can NU’EST fail when all our fans are like you? Because of all of you we got this far. You may not know, but we love you just as much as you love us. Although I do love you more.”

You couldn’t help but smile, “I was just worried about you… that’s all. You’ve always been so hard on yourself, I was worried that this might break you…”

“I know. That’s why I was glad to see you had called. Talking to you always makes me feel better you know that right? I can say things to you that I can’t to the other members, and I also knew that you would be worried. I wanted to reassure you that I’m going to be okay.”  

“I should have been the one reassuring you. I called because I wanted to cheer you up.” You whined. He laughed at you, but a loud snore in the background and his own yawning cut him off.

“You really don’t get it do you? Just talking to you cheers me up. All my worries, sadness, whatever feel lighter after talking to you. Besides, you just spent this whole call telling me how amazing I am, I can’t possibly be sad after hearing all that.”

“Jonghyun-ah” You pouted.

“Okay, okay. If you really want to cheer me up, spend some time with me when I get back home. You’re always too busy with work; I need some time with my best friend too. I really, really miss you.”

“I miss you too. Okay, I promise! I’ll book off the whole time you’re here. We can catch up properly.”

“I’ll be there in a couple days! Remember you promised!” You sighed, he always gave you such short notice. This time however, you were defiantly going to make things work. Even though he didn’t explicitly say it, he needed to see you, and truthfully you needed to see him too.

“I promise! I promise!” You sombered up a bit before continuing, “Jonghyun-ah, I know you said you’re going to be okay, but I have to ask one more time. Right now…are you really okay?”

“Right now… I’m okay. I’m not going to think about the past or the future. So for right now, I’m okay. Trust me.” You just wanted to hold him, prove to yourself that his words were completely true. But since that wasn’t possible, you would just have to take his word for it.

“Okay, I trust you. I’ll let you get some sleep since you’ve had a long night. Good night Jonghyun…”

“Good night Y/N, sweet dreams.” You were just about to hang up the phone when you heard him yell into the speaker. “Wait, don’t hang up! Stay with me on the line until we fall asleep. I want to make sure that you’re okay too.”

Your lips curled up as you pulled the covers tighter around you, “Sure.” Neither of you spoke, but your breathing lulled him to sleep first and you followed shortly after.

-END-

I apologize for the wait my ㄴㅇㅅㅌ! But here it is, i’m sorry if this isn’t as cheerful as you were expecting, but I really got drawn into the emotions i felt the night of the finale. I would also like to apologize for any spelling or grammar errors, I’ve been staring at this for hours and everything all looks the same to me now haha I’m also a little rusty in the writing department, so again bare with me. Feel free to request again, i’ll look forward to it! Constructive Criticism is also always welcome, but please be polite (and nice). 

Until next time! 

With ㄴㅇㅅㅌ ❤️ , 

Hk