lunian

[edge-oftheworld]

ever find a good blog or fan creator you think is really good and then scroll back and find they were a bitch and a troll to sierra and kaykay and probably crystal back in like 2018 and pushing a narrative that was obviously false and made no effort to redeem themselves or take down any of it? like i don't hold grudges, not usually, but some extremes are unacceptable and do cause harm to the people in question and like. the people you're in the fandom for too

and so in my classic style i am mad when i see that but some weird glitch in my brain turns that energy into compassion so here's my attempt at a reasonable understanding take. on my quest to be actually neurodivergent affirming, and my take of musicians being healthcare workers: pretty universally, we take music in when we're feeling unseen, lonely, struggling, we find songs we relate to, we get invested in the people who make them who we relate to through their songs and other content they share, the nature of the parasocial relationship means the love we give is never reciprocated personally only collectively. and there's a bit more creative license to fill in the gaps of things they don't share in the pictures of them in our heads than when with real people: real people will call you out on your bullshit or disappoint you by not being that fantasy and so someone will leave. anyway

in an ideal world we all find our tribe who understand us and we all grow in our understanding of ourselves and other people and we facilitate them finding that social capital too, we share it around. but in the meantime and in real life more generally music and parasocial relationships help get us through the times we don't have that. they can also inspire us to find it for ourselves and other people (why do you think i'm here seriously guys) and i can't overstate how much this saves lives. lives and relationships and careers and life goals and it sounds triumphant when i say it like that, and it is.

but the truth is it's messy, sometimes it is quite literally surviving til the next show. living for the next bit of content. and sometimes brains don't get it right and it's easy for youuuuuuuuuuu to say if it's not something you struggle with JUST BE RESPECTFUL and i want to. i really want to because if someone is so convinced their take is true and they NEED to express that, but it's hurting people, really defaming, invalidating, bringing down their confidence, causing lasting hurt. it does need to stop.

but it's not necessarily helpful to the struggling fan to just say 'stop that', you need some way to meet that need. and most of the time we don't have that. we don't have comprehensive mental health services, they're still pretty basic, monocultural, as good as they are, access is still shit, supply and demand do not equalise. and then all you have is music. and so i don't know where everyone is coming from. but i can guess and i can have compassion. like i get it. i feel responsible for making the world a little better and helping help get where it needs. because it's gonna help protect the people who are being hurt by this because it's really happening. for celebs it's a massive problem. for their partners who may or may not be famous in their own right (it doesn't matter either way brings its own struggles) too.

they're giving us music to get us through shit and how do we repay them? sure with a good decent (if insecure) amount of money if they're popular enough. but also with this behaviour that no matter what the complex suffering and neurobiology going on behind it is, they (celebs) have no obligation to be understanding about it. they should not have to go through any of it to begin with. it's like. being traumatised for offering some help? i know there are good stories that outweigh this but i do truly think we especially have to be kind to their partners who might get less of that direct benefit and more of the hate. we need to believe what our artists say and if they're lying to us for some reason or another, that's their business.

and while i'm on the topic of that and neurodivergent affirming takes I did just want to say: open your mind to different ways of expressing different kind of affection, platonic, romantic, sexual, and know all of these can come incompletely and have blurry boundaries and there are a million reasons if there was potential for a relationship (whether or not in any case there is/was is none of our business) someone might not choose to pursue it, which are also none of our business. and each of these kinds of love might look different with everyone's brain too: if there are labels for why they're not our business unless we're told, and yes, sometimes it will look like one thing to us but not to everyone because everyone is different and experiences these things differently. like of course you can ship them! but you can do so while maintaining an open mind to what they're actually experiencing and learning from and discovering how they explain it in their own words not trying to gaslight them on the internet or worse to actually sabotage any relationships that don't suit your agenda. just stick to your fanfics and put them on registered users only (and also don't tell a celeb to read fanfics about them or another member of their item. there is so much sensitive stuff at play here).

all this stuff isn't 'oh you're not a proper fan if you don't do this perfectly'. it's about reducing harm to us as fans and to our beloved artists and their loved ones and just keeping trying to grow and be better people in this vein every day. admitting we're struggling and we fucked up sometimes and actually making an effort to do better and to fix things. I think all of this is one of the most authentic things we can do as a fandom: never give up on that. be motivated to do what these artists are doing you know? it's dynamic, it's fun, we've all been through some shit together and we're all coming out of it and we're going to be kind.

[r1poutmygvtz]

longgg ramble/vent/whatever's on my mind, idk man i'm tired and should probably schedule another therapy appointment soon

also this is kinda just all over the place, idk my thoughts are kinda scattered rn for some reason

(tws: mental health talk, sh, suicide attempts, od mention, ed, body issues, weed + alcohol talk, medicine misuse, childhood abuse, pet + family death mentions, possibly more idk if i missed one lmk and i'll tag it and put it up here)

my mental health right now is so fragile i don't understand, like obviously i know i'm depressed, i've been diagnosed for nearly two years now but i should've been much earlier, maybe that's why it got so bad, i don't even remember why i was diagnosed tbh, i think it was my first time back after like a year and a half maybe two years of not being in therapy and obviously a lot of shit happened, in that time that i went without therapy i tried to kms three times, had an alcoholic phase, and got addicted to weed

it was also sometime around my birthday i believe, which would make sense on why i got diagnosed, im always super depressed around my birthday, i mean i was expelled on my 13th, my great grandma died the day after my 14th and the day after that i tried to kms and that was the most traumatizing one and it took me over 2 years to be able to take the meds that i od'd on again without freaking out, i was literally so high i can't even remember my 15th, 4 days before my 16th i graduated (horrible for me, i had a panic attack everyday leading up to it for like 2 weeks straight) and 2 days after that my cat that i had since my 12th birthday died, so there's literally nothing enjoyable about my birthday and it feels more like a curse than anything

anyways, i've been the same since i was like 8 or 9, i was depressed and dreamt/wished i would die or get seriously hurt, maybe i just wanted my dad to care about me for once or maybe i did really just want to die, im not sure, i can't really remember my childhood, my therapist says i most likely have ptsd from the abuse which would explain the memory gaps and dpdr (depersonalization & derealization for those that don't know, the derealization is confirmed by my therapist btw just not the depersonalization but that's probably only because i didn't bring that up)

i think the most fucked up part is the fact it took me 16 years to find out the abuse was also physical, i spent the entire time before that thinking it was only verbal towards me and my siblings but i guess not, also apparently all the times me and my sister went to my neighbors/aunts house was because we were hiding from my dad, i thought we just went over to watch cartoons because we didn't have them at home, idk it was just weird for me to find out 7 years after it stopped, it doesn't really bother me all that much tbh my dad was already dead to me and i've been mostly no contact with him for almost 3 years now

also speaking of me as a kid, that's when a lot of my problems started, i was 9 almost 10 for the dpdr and 8 or 9 when i started hating my body, sh came in later tho i was like 10 or 11 when that started, i actually remember being like 9 and writing down everything i ate on a piece of paper, and when i was 10 i kept a notebook full of what i weighed in the morning and night and would see the difference in it, i also vividly remember asking my mom how many calories were in something from mcdonald's and she told me i was too young to be asking that so i just kinda stopped after that which obviously ended up coming back, i mean just look at my account

anyways yea i just hate how back and forth my mental health is, one day i could be doing great and think i'm amazing and unbelievably pretty and smart and ill try to better myself by getting sober and staying clean, then the next day i'll hate myself and consider going back to taking my meds throughout the day just so i was loopy and hardly able to process anything

tbh i do miss it a lot, i started back when i was heavily addicted to weed and would take my meds when i couldn't smoke, actually i used to take melatonin a bunch throughout the day so i could just pass out if anything happened that i didn't want to deal with (literally anything at all tbf) but that started to not work as well as i wanted so i turned to my meds, i'd take my nightly dose (50mg instead of the 20mg i was supposed to take) at like noon and would be loopy until it was time to actually take it, i didn't do it much tbh, my sisters bf caught on after the third or fourth time because i had just met his family for the first time that day and their dog tried to bite my face apparently and i didn't even react (didn't even realize it happened tbh) and he asked what was up with me and i told him bc i've known him forever, anyways yea he yelled at me to knock it off and went on about how it's gonna kill me if i kept doing it, so i did it like once after that and it's been months since i've done it again

it's kinda funny tho, those meds actually could've killed me regardless, i was supposed to take them three times a day but only really did once at school and i still got a bunch of the more serious side effects because i wasn't supposed to smoke while taking them but obv i did bc i was addicted, like breathing was hard, i nearly fainted all the time, my appetite was nonexistent, my heart was starting to mess up, like i literally thought i had a heart attack one day because the side effects were that bad and my mom and sister started looking up symptoms of POTS because that's what the side effects looked like, anyways i got taken off those months ago but i still have them somewhere and i'm fighting the urge to find and take them just so i have no appetite and so i'll sleep through the day

i think that's really all idk, there's more i was gonna say but i can't really remember plus this is already super long jfc, i don't expect anyone to actually read this, i just wanted it off my chest and i don't really trust talking to many people about this kinda stuff

[hyuuukais]

✧˖°ʚ🍓ɞ♡ SUNSHINE AND STRAWBERRIES

pairing ☆ lee felix x fem reader

synopsis ☆ Y/N is a new streamer. after months of planning, and her best friend & now fellow streamer han jisung convincing her, she makes a twitch and youtube account. thanks to jisung giving her a shoutout to his own huge following, she gains some unexpected overnight fame. but what was more unexpected was waking up to see her long-time favourite comfort streamer _sunshine.bbokari_ following her.

warnings ☆ none but pls lmk if i missed something!

[TAGLIST -> CLOSED]

MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

☆ partially written chapter, 9 screenshots ☆

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE ☆ MOVIE NIGHT

Later that night, you enter Felix's room quietly, unsure if he had fallen asleep already or not. You saw him shift slightly when you sat down, being extra careful sliding under the covers.

"Y/N?" His voice sounded rough with sleep. "That you?"

"Mhmm," You whispered, turning to face him. "Go back to sleep."

"Wasn't sleeping.." He mumbled, eyes opening slowly. "Was waiting for you."

You blush, thankful for the darkness filling the room.

"You didn't have to-"

"I wanted to," He sits up slightly, resting his head against the palm of his hand. "Just wanted to make sure you didn't take the couch. I'm serious about the stiffness!"

He laughs lightly, and you do too. Something about him made you feel so comfortable, so safe. The two of you stare at each other for a while once the giggles calm down. You could see stars in his eyes, you wouldn't be surprised if he himself were made of stardust, what a beautiful thing.

"I know we haven't really discussed boundaries too much, so you can say no," You look away shyly. "But sometimes I have trouble sleeping when I'm not... holding something. I have a huge collection of plushies for this reason, oh, and because of Kai."

You smile to yourself at the thought. Kai was always getting the two of you matching plushies, feeding into both your addictions.

"You..." Felix processed your words. "You want to cuddle?"

"We don't have to!" You hide your face in your hands, but he pulls them away, a smile gracing his features.

"Come here."

Felix lifts the blanket up, holding out his arms. You somewhat hesitantly shuffle over, resting your head against his chest as he puts an arm down around your waist and one around your shoulders. After a while, you got more comfortable, any tension leaving your body at the way he felt against you.

If this is what it was like to have a fake boyfriend, you could get used to it.

☆~☆~☆

notes ☆ ok slay ynlix!! oh to be cuddled up to lix (or yn tbh) and have all my worries wash away

taglist ☆ @marcillfll @toplinelix @neri-ner @tfshouldidohere @imasimplol @samvagejkflxhrt @yennifersgeralt @aestheticsluut @cherryuqii @tenebrisirae @roseidol @veryjeongintxtkid @amara-mars @nobuttpics @bmnyy @sheeshhhhfelixsworld @ellelabelle @gini143 @mrsseals16 @veedoesntknaur @channiesstars @daydreamer5006 @luvvvash @amesification @skzswife @blamemef0rit @soulphoenix1618 @lovingmny @stvrfir3 @boo-ven9eance @adestayskz @rag-iii @enchantedgrunge @mytherapisttoldmenotto @strawberry-dreamland @oh-my-fancan @lucktales @cookielino @fantasyaddict123 @sleeplessmin @alexxxxxthebitxh @flirtyskzbutterfly @vixensss @hannahs-docx @hash2013 @jellsxox @theblindhag

pink means it won't let me tag u

[graphics-cafe]

can we submit graphics (like textless blinkies that we’ve made) to possibly be added to blinkies.cafe?

unfortunately i'm not currently taking submissions to blinkies.cafe,,,, but i want to change that and tbh i've been thinking about it from the start!! i have a WIP or two lying around (details under cut) to try to take a crack at it.

thank you so so much for your interest tho!!!!! i would love to see your templates!!! if you post them in the #blinkies tag (& maybe #blinkie templates) i bet people could get a lot of use out of them ^^

and when i iron out some wrinkles (details under cut) i'd love to add more submissions to blinkies.cafe <3

yeah so i've been thinking about this since the earliest days of blinkies.cafe. currently i have some obstacles.

manual work

at the moment, i personally have to add every new template to the generator. there's a bunch of manual work involved: choosing font, font colour, default text, text positioning, etc. it takes a bunch of trial and error to see what looks good.

when an artist submits a blinkie template, i want to make sure they're happy with the result. so it's a back-and-forth collaborative process. it takes a bit of technical knowledge on the part of the artist as well, to know what sorts of things i can & can't do.

i should streamline this process.

in the meantime, i'm already at capacity with adding templates >< i love doing it - it's like "comfort work" for me - but i also have a full-time job and chronic fatigue and chores and adhd, and a lot of the time i just don't have much time and/or energy to spare.

credits & licensing

if i'm gonna start accepting submissions from a bunch of different people, i need to draft like a "terms & conditions" statement for submitting.

basically to say, "by submitting your template, you agree to let me use it for X & release it under Y license. people will be able to make your blinkie say things, and i'm not responsible for what they say. here's how you'll be credited" kinda thing.

but idk much about art licensing and i know even less about writing legal text

also, different artists might have different opinions on how they want to be credited. the easiest thing for me to do would be to have the artist link pop up after you generate a blinkie and add it in the archive of sources. i'd say that in the terms & conditions, but ppl might want to be credited in a different way, and i can't have like a custom crediting method for each submission.

possible solution

one of my thousands of wips (thanks adhd) is a blinkie generator that runs entirely in the browser. if i can get around to polishing it up, i'll put it on blinkies.cafe, and you could embed it in your Neocities or even your tumblr theme.

basically you'd upload your template somewhere (tumblr, imgur, deviantart, whatever) as PNG frames, then you'd paste their URLs, select a font, type your text, and generate a blinkie!

it'd also give you a URL for your own personal blinkie maker, so you could post a link and other people could use it too ^^

this would be a lot easier for me to maintain because i wouldn't have to moderate or manually add templates at all!!

it'd also make it possible for anyone to run their own personal blinkie maker with their own templates, and host it on Tumblr or Neocities or anywhere else that lets you embed scripts :3

downsides to this are that A) browser-based gif generation might not work on all browsers or on older hardware, and B) personal templates wouldn't get the visibility of being on the main blinkies.cafe gallery.

lmk if that sounds interesting to u