#gvtz life

[r1poutmygvtz]

i kinda really wanna fast but i'm indecisive and don't know how long or what type i should do so i'm making you guys choose for me :3

liquid fast means i can have sf jello, coffee, energy drinks, tea, soup, and broth as long as my intake is under 200

[daintyyydollyyyy]

you know it's serious when you have nightmares about eating a cookie or getting called f@+

[ghostmewtain]

when i was a child, i let myself believe I was pregnant with a miracle child like virgin mary i would wait 9 months, and another 9 months, but my weight wouldn't drop and the aching didn't stop, but i wasn't even eating for one, and i was too young to even get my period

another time, i convinced myself my body was a suit and I was a social experiment and one day when i was older, maybe in my teens, it'd be revealed that i was thin all along and i would live forever in the bliss that is housed in a small body. so i would spend hours searching for a zipper, or a rip, or a tear, and create my own to try and pry my body off of myself

but it wouldn't work so i would daydream about where i would lay the scalpel, and what i would use to take the fat off my body, and then go through my grandmother's sewing kit searching for a needle and a thread that matched my skin tone

sometimes even now, i scratch at myself in the shower hoping i can exfoliate the fat off of myself like dead skin because i can't feel safe in a shower, or in my room, or with my friends, i don't feel safe because my body is a warzone. and if i could be dead and be at peace with my body finally meeting my standards, i would be dead i am slowly killing myself

in an urge to be beautiful, i am slowly killing myself.

but maybe in 5 years, when i weigh 50 pounds lighter, i will thank god that i am alive, and thank the world for letting me live, and thank my body for sustaining through a drought, and i will be happy, and i will be loveable, and i can believe that i am loved,

but now,

i am a caterpillar in a small cocoon, bursting at the seams, itching to be freed, but I am yet to be a butterfly

[emma0mp3]

These 5 cal things are so addicting

[urhellokitty]

I've just lost 3 kg in two days

[bridgingthegapwellness-blog]

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[r1poutmygvtz]

i have a new challenge for myself because they keep me from eating; i have to get to 20k steps or as close as possible by midnight!! (i have 18.8k steps and 18 minutes)

edit: forgot to mention but i have to be on stealth mode, im at my sister and her bfs apartment and their roommate stays up extremely late all the time and is always in and out of the kitchen (where i'm jogging since it's right next to the living room where i sleep)

[daintyyydollyyyy]

Would Vlada eat that? No? Then put it down. 🩵

[r1poutmygvtz]

this is gonna sound dumb but can someone please reassure that having a intake of over 300 isn't gonna make me gain, i have a limit of 350 tomorrow and i know i need to eat more than i have been, i know i'm gonna burn it all off regardless but i still feel so guilty if it even goes past 200

tbh i think it's because i've been having a low intake for the past week and burning a lot so anything other than that makes me feel like a failure and a fake

[r1poutmygvtz]

guys be disappointed in me, i ate so much last night after i posted my wieiad (technically this morning since it was after midnight tho so that's not effected, i just say last night bc i did it before going to bed)

i feel so gross omfg but i guess i'll count it as a meta day since i desperately needed one

[r1poutmygvtz]

i just woke up and i had a nightmare about not getting my steps in, wtf is this?? 😭

[r1poutmygvtz]

i was just gonna get 5k steps, then i upped it to 7k, then 10k, then i said i'd stop at 15k, but now i'm at 17k 😭

if my feet didn't hurt as bad as they do and if there wasn't 9 minutes until midnight i'd aim for 20k

[r1poutmygvtz]

i took a bath, shaved even, and brushed my teeth for the first time in a while, now i'm waking around in my robe and i feel amazing, depression doesn't have shit on me!!

[r1poutmygvtz]

i've been watching my stomach shrink day by day for the past week and it's one of the most euphoric things ever istg

[r1poutmygvtz]

ok so i only lost .2lbs.. somehow?? my friend thinks it's water weight from my muscles repairing themselves and i'm pretty sure he's right but it makes me so upset knowing i put in all that work for nothing, i'll update tomorrow morning on if i lost or not, if i didn't i might actually kms /hj

[r1poutmygvtz]

-1,642 net, 39.4k steps, 144 cals total today and i still think i've gained wtf, can't wait for my period to be done so this bloating stops