#i'm not too late i have one hour left 'til midnight !

[sid3buns]

Happy birthday to my most favourite normal guy ever ⚽🌱

[huggybearluvr]

If I Could Fly || J.D

!! A Part of the 30 days of music series !!

Series Masterlist

Synopsis: After Jamie got drafted to the Flyers you were both missing the other more than ever. You would have left with him if it weren't for your classes. However, after a late night phone call with Jamie, you drop everything and go to him without a second thought.

The song links:

Apple music || Spotify || Youtube

Jamie had been gone for nearly three weeks now. You couldn't help but feel lonely as you sat in the once shared apartment.

It was nearing 9 in California, so you knew calling Jamie was not an option. It was almost midnight on the east coast.

You sat on the couch watching one of your favorite movies to hopefully distract yourself.

About thirty minutes later a familiar ringtone buzzed from you phone. you were quick to pick it up answering the call.

"Jamie? everything okay?" you asked into the phone.

"Not really," He said trailing off.

"Baby, what's wrong?" You asked now sitting up.

"I just miss you so much, I can't sleep at all," He said softly.

"I know baby, I miss you too," You spoke truthfully, "I wish I could be there."

"I do too," He said.

"Its late baby, go to bed, you have a big game tomorrow against the red wings."

"Alright, I love you," Jamie said smiling into the phone.

"I love you too."

"I'm missing half of me when we're apart"

After the call ended you couldn't help but think about going to Jamie. At around 11 you decided you couldn't just sit here.

You practically sprinted to your room. Grabbing your laptop and emailing your academic advisor, letting them know you would be needing to transfer schools and would like to finish this semester online.

Once your emails were sent you booked a flight to Phili.

You packed up as much as you could in two suit cases and texted Trevor to come over.

As you sat in the living room bags packed you felt more relaxed then you ever have before.

You knew you would be coming back during the summer to finish your moving but for now these two suitcases would be more than enough.

You heard a knock at the door and quickly got up to answer it. As you pulled the door open you saw a half awake Trevor standing there.

"y/n it's midnight, what was so important I had to come over?" He said rubbing at his eyes.

"I need a ride to the airport, and here is the keys your gonna have to check in here once a week til im back to move everything," You spoke quickly.

"Wait what where are you even going?" Trevor said taking the key from you.

"Im moving to Phili."

Trevor couldn't help but smile. He was happy his best friend had someone like you in his life.

"Let's go then," Trevor spoke picking up one of your bags and following you out to his car.

-

You landed in Phili calling an uber to take you to Jamie's apartment. You texted his neighbor carter letting him know you would be at the stadium within the hour.

Carter, Jamies Goalie and Neighbor had agreed to leave a key to his place outside the door so you could leave your stuff there to make it to the game on time. He also agreed to get you a media pass so you would be able to surprise Jamie.

After you dropped your stuff off you headed straight to the Arena. You got in through the back and quickly made your way to your seat. You opted for a pretty bad seat but you didn't want Jamie to see you.

-

The Flyers had won the game against the wings and you were more than ready to run down and see your boyfriend.

You quickly made your way to the ice, walking to the locker rooms. You stood outside of the locker room.

Many teammates walked by giving you an odd look as they had no idea who you were.

Carter came out and sent a smile your way, as you handed him the key to his apartment," Thank you so much for helping me."

"I did this for the kid but, your welcome," He said with a laugh," I'll see you both later."

You stood a little longer, Jamie was the last one out.

He walked out of the locker room, with wet hair and you swear he's never looked so good. His eyes were stuck on his phone.

You picked up your phone calling him. He answered.

"Look up, idiot," You said before hanging up.

Jamies eyes met yours, you both felt butterflies as the world around you froze. You practically ran to Jamie engulfing him in a much needed hug.

"I can feel your heart inside of mine"

"Is this real? how are you here?" He said pulling away to look at you.

"I'm moving here," You smiled leaning up to kiss him.

"baby, you have school," He said, once he pulled away hesitantly.

"I'm transferring, I couldn't be away from you any more," You spoke softly," I already talked to my advisor, Trev's gonna keep an eye on my place til we can move the rest, and for now my suitcases are at Carters."

"I love you so much," Jamie said as he awed at not only your physical beauty but how perfect you were for him. He truly thought that he wouldn't see you for months but now here you are in his arms, and he is never letting you go again.

[lovelytarou]

late night rendezvous

— in which suna rintarou invites you to a late night drive

pairing: suna rintarou x reader

genre: fluff, a lil angst

tags: suna waking you up at midnight to drive, late night driving basically, just you two being goofballs at midnight

a/n: i based this from the suna drabble i wrote a while back and it keeps nagging on my brain to write it. was actually gonna post it for his birthday but it's already the 26th at 2am here ://

suna didn't expect his party to be wild this year. granted, he should have expected the twins planning one without his knowing. leave it up to them to cause mischief and be the biggest party people he has ever known.

it was crazy, to say the least. he had recognized a few people who were in the party – his teammates, classmates, schoolmates, even past relationships and acquaintances he most certainly isn't aware the twins invited. he even spotted a few volleyball opponents they fought before and wished him a happy birthday.

he was surrounded by all of this people but his mind is looking for another person.

the twins couldn't have forgotten about you, could they? you're just as close to them as he is.

“what’s up, sunarin?” atsumu patted him on the back rather harshly, making him stumble a few steps forward.

he swear to the gods, his strength can be abnormal sometimes.

“have you seen y/n by any chance?” he asked, neck craning to and fro like a giraffe, “you invited them, right?”

“about that...” atsumu winced at suna’s harsh glare.

“we sort of...forgot?”

suna gave him a deadpan look.

“really? of all people, you forgot about them?” atsumu could only whine in return as he profusely apologized to the birthday boy.

deciding to ditch the party, he got out of the crowded house brimming with music and alcohol and got inside his car. he fished his phone from his pocket and immediately messaged you.

what he didn't realize was that it was basically 2am in the morning, and it's a weekday. you're probably asleep by now, suna thought. but will that ever stop him? nope.

cursing under his breath, he pocketed his phone and drove away.

the series of knocks stirred you from your peaceful slumber. after doing a shit ton of tasks, you immediately headed straight to bed, completely forgetting about giving your gift to your boyfriend – who forgot to invite you for his party. you slept with a slight ache in your chest upon seeing the posts the twins have on their socials and can't help but feel a little jealous.

the knocks ranged from gentle to hurried bangs on your window. huffing through your nose in irritation, you rolled over to the other side and peeked an eye. you almost had a heart attack when you saw who was looking through the glass.

“for fuck's sake, rin, you scared the shit out of me! some of us need to sleep for 8-10 hours, you know,” you scolded him, keeping your voice down as to not wake the people in your house, a bewildered look in your face as you take him in.

he's dressed handsomely and you guessed the twins forced him to because he doesn't really like to put much effort into his clothes, but he looks great in them always.

“i missed you,” he blurted, eyes searching your sleep-laced ones as he reached for your hand.

“we didn't see each other all day, i figured we can catch up now?” he offered, biting on his lower lip. he knows you might say no considering how late it is but he was also hoping you would say yes.

he wanted to end his day with a memorable moment with you.

“at 2 in the morning, rintarou?” you gave him an exasperated look but the thump in your heart and the voice inside your head convincing you that you've got nothing to lose is louder than any logical reasoning right now.

“alright, i'll get ready in five minutes.” you pecked him on the cheek, pushing his chest slightly as suna mouthed a yes before climbing off your window.

honestly, you don't know how he does that.

you sneaked to your door after getting ready and made sure you locked it again before joining suna in his car.

once you sat down on the passenger's seat, suna did not hesitate to capture your lips with his. the kiss seemed to stretched on for hours, his lips tasting like the alcohol he consumed in the party and faint smell of smoke. you giggled against his lips before pulling away.

“go eat some mint, your breath stinks!” you teased, nose wrinkling in mock disgust.

suna rolled his eyes, “says the one who has morning breath,”

the insulted look in your face made him cackle loudly inside the car as he pulled out of the driveway, his hand supporting your seat behind your head.

you fumbled with your seatbelt for a moment and suna seemed to have noticed it as his hands replaced yours and slid it down gently with a click. his hair tickled your neck as his face was so close to you, you can smell his perfume and him.

“if you keep looking at me that, we won't be going anywhere, baby.” he smirked, catching your eyes staring at his exposed chest that's been revealed by his shirt.

gulping down your saliva, you just smacked his arm in retaliation, earning another laugh from your boyfriend.

“just shut up and drive, rintarou.”

and so he did. suna connected his phone to his car and turned up the music. your eyes widened in realization as you recognized the song, or specifically the playlist. it was something the two of you made one boring afternoon. you were just playing around and adding iconic songs and some underrated ones to a playlist named after the two of you. you didn't know he would keep it and play it now.

suna had a faint smile on his face once the first few notes of the song played. he hummed to the music, fingers drumming on the stirring wheel. you yourself is tapping yours on your lap, but later, suna interlaced his free hand with yours and squeezing it lightly.

you enjoyed this moment more than anything. maybe it's because you just woke up and it's literally in the early morning and suna dragged you out of bed and you're still a little drowsy, but this all feels like a dream. something you don't wanna wake up from. it might be the city lights cascading down the road, the empty streets you passed, or the fact that the world is most likely asleep at the moment and getting to share it with him of all people is truly something magical.

as you were crossing a bridge, you felt the urge to turn down the window on your side, letting the wind hit your face as you closed your eyes. you danced to the music, albeit stupidly, but you didn't care. you sang loudly to your heart's content but you might be singing the words wrong, yet in suna's eyes, as you scream into the night, with your hair being ruffled by the wind and the city lights flickering behind you – he can't help the laugh bubbling out of him, because god, how did he get so lucky to have you?

you urged him to dance with you to the song and he did so although you made fun of him and his robotic moves. you spent the whole ride just singing and goofing off in the night.

after a while, you guys stopped at a restaurant to get some food before going home. by the time suna drove to your house, it was almost 6am. he forgot he still had practice later, but when he's with you, you're the only thing that mattered to him.

in the end, suna ended up showing you how he was able to climb up your window and even tagged you along with it. you almost fell and broke a leg but good thing your troublemaker of a boyfriend was there.

“so, i guess this is goodnight?” suna sighed forlornly as he sat at your windowsill.

“more like good morning to me,” you chuckled, staring down at your linked hands that are both refusing to let go. “i had fun tonight, rin –oh wait! i almost forgot!”

he was left confused when you suddenly ran around your room looking for something until you emerged with a small neatly wrapped box in your hands.

“for me? y/n, you really didn't have to,” he scratched his neck as he stared at the gift.

“just open it, rin!”

you bounced in place as you watch his face closely while opening the gift.

“is this real? how did you–” he got the camera out of the box, you had gifted him a polaroid since you saw how he loves to ‘document’ things so much and you figured he might want to make a lot of memories, hopefully with you in them as well.

“y/n, i love it. i love you,” he then wrapped you in his arms, his chest feeling warm and fuzzy with overwhelming love for you.

“i love you too, and i'm glad you did or else all the money i've saved up for will be useless.” you teased, smiling fondly at him as he examined the polaroid camera.

“this is the best birthday ever,” he leaned for a kiss, tilting his head to deepen it. you soon have to pull yourselves away before it got any late.

“now go home, rin!” you practically shoved him out of your window, he went in for one last kiss before hopping off.

he walked towards his car but before he get inside he looked back to you.

“i'll take to you to lunch later!”

you rolled your eyes, knowing full well suna's going to be sleeping in til the afternoon.

[i-dont-want-your-hysteria]

Thru the Window- Joe x Reader

(prompt: you're living in the Netherlands with the Def Leppard crowd while they're recording Hysteria. You're Joe's girlfriend, but you're both trying to keep your relationship a secret)

Inspired by the song "Thru the Window" by REO Speedwagon (a song about this ever so classic and adorable trope. I also tried to use as many of these lyrics as possible :3D)

------

(June 1986)

Joe's eyes shifted over to the clock on his nightstand yet again after another five seconds had passed. He just couldn't help himself. It was 11:22, and 11:35 couldn't possibly come soon enough. A warm breeze blew through his open window, hitting the bottoms of his feet as he lay flat on his back. There was adrenaline pulsing through him so ardently that he tried to will it away, but it was no use. He was too excited, and he had to wait at least another ten minutes or so before he could act on it.

His eagerness had certainly slowed down time itself tonight, and it had definitely gotten the better of him in multiple ways.

For one thing, his leg wouldn't stop bouncing. For another thing, he'd gotten changed far too early, and was laying on his bed in his date clothes. His "date clothes" (being a rather unflattering combination of a Cheap Trick t-shirt tucked into some sweatpants) weren't meant to be anything to look at, but he wanted to be as casual as possible. The goal was to be unrecognizable (as much as you could be at this time of night), but pleasing. 

Either way, Joe knew you wouldn't mind it. To him, these 'dates' you two had weren't done for the looks. You saw each other enough that you didn't give a shit about proper attire.

Joe's hands were neatly and formally folded on his stomach as he stared up at the dark ceiling of his hotel room. With nothing to distract him, his mind was on the verge of running mad. There were so many things he could've been thinking about as he waited, such as the tremendous progress that had been made in recording the new album, whether or not the jukebox at the pub got fixed yet, or what he'd have for breakfast the next morning.

What he actually chose to think of was "Why did I turn off the light, again?"

Some answers were quite simple.

"Oh yeah. Cos' to everyone else I'm 'asleep' right now."

The light being off was just a small but vital detail to the plan you two had for the night.

Once his own question was answered, his mind moved onto the next topic: another five seconds had passed. Joe turned his head to look at the clock again. 11:23. Great.

His head angled back upwards, seeing the imaginary dots and waves of colors appear before his eyes in the dark. His leg still bounced, his hands began to weave together, and he closed his eyes to hum the first tune that came to mind. It was necessary to drown out the sound of the ticking clock in his head.

Joe inhaled slowly, and held the breath for a quick instant. Just ten more minutes, he told himself. Ten more minutes, and then he could go. Ten more minutes. Ten. Two sets of five. Five sets of two. Just ten more-

"Fuck it," he lowly said as he sat up and put on his shoes. 

Oh well. These dates weren't about being on time, either. 'On time' was late, after all. He wanted to decide when the time had come.

After slipping on his shoes, double checking that he had his wallet, and triple checking that his door was locked, Joe pushed open the window sash to create a more ideal opening to slip through. Into the darkness he went, out onto the fire escape, then he descended to the ground below. He began on the second floor, so each step lower was done with the utmost caution. 

When he reached the next level, his heart jumped upon seeing the light still on in Malvin's room. Flattening himself next to the window, Joe carefully climbed over the railing of the fire escape and lowered himself down until it was safe enough to let go. 

His feet met the ground, making a firm landing. He looked back up at the lit window and grinned under the open summer sky. He'd slipped away like a thief in the night.

Joe's legs began to move, trotting to the other side of the hotel (the side by the lake), and feeling the warm breeze rushing by his face. He couldn't help but smile; all his pent-up adrenaline was finally being put to use. 

 As always, he made sure to race for the shadows of the building to make a trail no one could follow. He was always beyond careful, making sure nobody would ever see or hear his driven intentions. It was better that no one knew. It was more fun that way for both of you.

Your silhouette became clear to him once he reached the other side, your window now visible on high. Joe slowed his run until he was a few yards from the base of the hotel. His head angled up to your room, taking note of the dim light from within. You weren't facing the window, but Joe knew you were waiting for him on this summer night. 

He could've sworn he sensed your excitement, too; he could practically hear your heartbeat. It may have been his own heightened sparks of joy pounding in his ears- as he knew he was unarguably early. Still, date night was date night, and the singer was eager to kick things off. There was no time to lose. It was time to announce his arrival.

After reaching down into the grass and locating a small stone, Joe found a trajectory from where he stood, and flung his attention getter up at your window.

***

Your eyes shifted over to the clock on your nightstand once another five minutes had passed. It was 11:27, and 11:35 was just around the corner. Smiling, you turned back to your mirror and leaned forward, finishing up the last bit of your makeup. A warm breeze blew through your open window, lifting thin strands of your hair up to slightly flutter in front of your eyes. 

It was true that you didn't need to dress up in any way, but your excitement had gotten the better of you. The plans for the night urged you to be dolled up at least a little bit. Who cared if it was going on midnight? You were still going out on a date, and you were still going to be in public. Some jeans and a crop top were just right for the occasion- with it being a warm and breezy night. The outfit was casual enough for the pub that you and Joe called your own, but flattering enough that you knew Joe would love it.

You drew back from the vanity and admired your appearance. Tonight would be great without a doubt. All there was left to do was wait for the man of the hour. Maybe you'd wait at the window and-

The sound of something landing behind you grabbed your attention. You turned and looked to the floor, spotting a small stone. Your eyes squinted from confusion, but your mouth angled into a smile.

To the window you went, and you gazed outside, seeing Joe down on the lawn below.

"Really?" you gently scoffed at him.

He looked a bit embarrassed, "Sorry! I didn't see it was open 'til it was too late..."

You chuckled and shook your head, turning back to stuff your wallet into your pocket and to switch off your lamp. With your room now dark, and your door locked, you slipped away through your own window, and made your way down your own fire escape.

Joe held out his hand once you were within reach, and led you down the remaining stairs.

You told him, "You're early."

He immediately retaliated, "You're lucky."

"How?"

"You don't have any acquaintances living below you," he tilted his head sweetly, "When I climbed down just now, Malvin was still awake. He could've caught me, you know..."

You rubbed your thumb over his hand and scoffed, "I doubt that- you're too sneaky."

"Could say the same about you, you know," he teased back, placing his other hand on your waist and moving in closer.

"That's why we're a good fit," you declared before moving your hand to the back of his head and kissing him. Another breeze blew around you both as he locked you in the embrace.

When it was broken, he quickly stepped back and pulled on your arm, urging you to come along jokingly, "Now quick, before anyone sees-"

He dragged you forward, adding, "I've got a good feeling the jukebox is gonna be fixed tonight!"

You laughed as you began to run next to him, both of you now running freely through the night in the open street. The energy between both of you was high, making it a thrill to be alive in that moment. Such high emotion was bound to make the date night better than it'd ever been, taking you both where you'd never been before.

 Yes, you could have taken one of your cars, but then there would've suddenly been a higher chance of someone seeing that at least one of you was gone. It was just another minute detail to ensure the safety of your plan. Even the pub you and Joe normally went to was one that the others probably didn't even know existed. 

The route to get there was a simple one; you always liked to say that it was "over the bridge, five blocks east, and down a dirt road that is barely a street". You were both still running when you ran over the bridge, eager to get to your relationship's safe haven. It was only when you reached said bridge that you slowed to a normal walk. 

You hugged Joe's arm, laughing and panting as you crept around the neighborhood "It's such a perfect night- I'm so glad we planned a date tonight."

"Yeah, couldnt've asked for anything better," he grinned up at the stars, "We made an easy getaway, too."

"Not often we get nights like these. Remember the night you were in my room and Phil almost came in?"

Joe cackled up at the sky, recalling, "Ah- yeah, can never forget that one. We barely got away with that one. How did he not hear me talking?"

"I have no idea, but I've never hidden someone that fast in my life- let alone someone as big or as naked as you were."

"Oi!" he whined, "You want a date or not?"

You giggled and rested your head against his arm, "I'll behave, I swear."

"Good, cos' the fun hasn't even started yet," he warned, tenderly putting his other hand on your arm. In a few minutes, the dirt road was in sight, looking like a familiar and secret setting of a dream. At the end of the street, the glowing lights of the secluded pub were now visible.

"I'll race you," you smirked before bolting away from Joe and down the street.

Instantly, he bolted after you, "Hey!"

He caught up quickly (his long legs being an advantage), and stopped you by gripping the back of your shirt. He did his best to take you in his arms, but tripped in the process, sending you both down to the dirt at an angle. You both hit the ground laughing, rolling onto your backs and cackling up to the summer stars.

"Sorry-" Joe huffed. You both paused for a second or two, then he rolled over to quickly straddle and pin you to the ground. 

"What are you doing?" you laughed at him, as if you didn't already know. He stroked your hair back with a loving smile, leaning down and softly kissing you. He was tender for only that second before kissing his way down to your neck, making you squirm underneath him.

"Ah- Joe!" you squealed, your face flushing up, "Cut it out! We're outside-!"

"Oi!" a different voice sounded off not so far away. You both turned your heads to see the owner of the pub standing out on the front porch, sending a parental scowl at the pair of you.

"Adrian- he's mad, I tell you!" you adopted a fake tone of helplessness.

"She started it," Joe blamed with a smirk.

"You two again, huh?" Adrian scolded you, "I'll be having no filthy business at the porch of my pub, you hear? Save it for the pool room."

"Yes, dad," Joe whined, shooting a cranky scowl down at you, rolling off and helping you up. You hit him on the arm playfully, him flinching at first, then putting his arm back around you. You both faced Adrian and began to walk up to the porch.

"I haven't seen the pair of you for almost 2 weeks, what's happened with ya?" he asked.

You answered, "Ah, studio troubles."

"And you're still keepin' this a secret, I take it?"

"It's the way we like it! It's more fun that way," Joe told him, " 'Our little secret' keeps the adrenaline going. Is the jukebox working again?"

"Been working since last week," Adrian's eyes followed you both as you edged closer, "Got 6 new singles on it now."

Joe's eyes lit up, "Oh, brilliant, which ones?"

"Ah, I can't remember, you'll see them soon anyway."

You got to the porch, Adrian holding the door open for both of you. With your date a threshold away, you stopped and asked him quietly with an air of implication, "Oh, also... when will the pool room be open?"

You looked at Joe with a devious smile. He returned it to you, beaming with similar energy.

"I can have everyone out of there by midnight if that's what you want, darling," Adrian gave a single nod, a glint of understanding in his eyes.

"No need to rush it, mate," Joe clapped a hand on his shoulder, "Take your time. We've got all night, after all."

"Well I've only got until 2:30," he warned, "So I'll let you kids know as soon as I can."

"You're the best," you leaned up and kissed Adrian's cheek, "Thanks for everything, as always."

"Don't mention it, love. You two be careful, now."

Both you and Joe droned as you walked inside, "We know."

With that, you both disappeared into the warmly lit building, feeling the summer heat as well as the heat of each other. It was always a dream come true with Joe no matter what; a dream with no one else to flaunt it at except each other, and it was more than enough. 

Your own little secret world was just between the two of you, and that was the way you liked it best. That was all either of you really needed, anyway; each other.

The end

[bonfire-at-the-crossroads]

Rutger Hauer has passed, and is on his way through the stars, toward the shoulder of Orion and the Tannhauser Gate.

He gave himself to the world of film and created characters which will continue to inspire the people lucky enough to share in the dreams he left behind.

I wrote this a couple years ago - and maybe it’s time to look at it again.

Thank you Mr Hauer for leaving this place a little brighter for your having been here.

Good journey, peace at last.....

————————————————————————————————————-

January 8, 2016

It's Roy Batty's birthday.

Ridley Scott's 1982 movie - Blade Runner - cast Rutgers Hauer as the renegade Replicant in search of his maker.

The film was a brilliant adaptation of Philip K Dick's "Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?"

Roy and a small group of Nexus-6 Replicants, have stolen an off-world transport, killed the crew, and returned to earth - in an attempt to coerce their designer to extend their programmed four-year lifespan. January 8, 2016 was the day of Roy's inception, and also the day his genetic coding has scheduled him for death.

He is being hunted by Harrison Ford, as hired-gun Deckard - a Blade Runner - paid to track and kill escaped Replicants.

----------------------------------------------

In 1982 - the idea of the year 2016 was a mind-numbing distance away.

"The Future" was a place where anything was possible, and our wildest dreams would come true.

It seems like yesterday.

And yet, when I started thinking about the world I inhabited in '82, and where I've washed up on the shores of 2016 - it's been quite an extended sea voyage.

I was married to somebody else.

We walked into town to the little movie theater on Central Avenue, and as we moved to our seats, were told by the usher ( yeah, that's right - there were still ushers ) -"You shouldn't even bother with this movie. It stinks. Four people at the last show actually asked for their money back."

We loved it.

Minds were blown - and we went back two more times, bringing friends.

That Christmas Eve - I had a small stroke. I was 26.

At the time, I was more worried about how the news would affect my husband - and did not fully appreciate my own predicament. He overheard the doctor on the phone making arrangements for what was then, the only echocardiogram machine in the New York area.

"Is that about you?" He asked. I nodded.

My husband passed out cold on the waiting room floor.

I survived. Had test after test after test, and slowly got my left side back under my own control.

Time passed.

We tried for the baby - and a series of horrors led to the loss of pregnancy, and culminated with a 3:00 AM visit to the emergency room.

The husband was so upset - he left me by the hospital entrance, and drove home.

When he inevitably decided that he needed "space" and wanted to "take a break" -(clearly, his office-affair had nothing to do with this decision ) - I used the time to take a good long look at the marriage.

When he came back three months later - I was not the girl he had walked out on.

The world had changed, and so had the locks.

-------------------------------------------------

I moved into the West Village with a girlfriend. It was awkward having a roommate after having a husband, home, and mortgage - but I made it work.

An unusual boyfriend followed, and several years of actors, artists, and cabaret performers filled my days and nights.

It was Manhattan in the '80's. There were nights out spent dancing at the clubs til dawn.

The Met was open late on Friday nights, and my group of fellow oddballs wandered the museum halls every week for over a year.

Art and illustration was my livelihood. I knew everyone in the Village ( at least by sight) and was completely comfortable in my element.

But my friends got sick.

And my friends started dying.

AIDS ravaged the world.

The Village was ground zero, and everyone was terrified. We didn't know where it was coming from, didn't know how to cope with the skeletal friend, the friend covered with sarcoma blotches - was it the end of the world?

In many ways - yes. It was.

The best, brightest, most talented people on earth were dying out - and all I could do was hold hands at the bedside, and attend memorial services.

There was a three month period when I went to a service EVERY SINGLE WEEK.

My dearest friend, Bruce - I never even knew when he was well. We were fellow illustrators, and spent hours a day with phone cocked between shoulder and ear - talking while we drew in our separate studios. He was in Chelsea, I was on the corner of Perry and West Fourth.

We brought children's books to life, and loved the work.

As AIDS ravaged his body, he needed to take long naps in the afternoons. His fever would spike uncontrollably - he called it "Shake and Bakes."

He fussed over the ugly sarcoma lesions which appeared on his arms and hands - he found a theatrical makeup which he swore would cover them up so that nobody would know.

Everybody pretended that it worked.

"Well, my sweet darling angel - I took a shower this morning, and guess what? I watched all my hair go down the drain."

Some medication he was taking, combined with what may have been a chemotherapy cocktail - took every hair on his head.

He entered the shower - with.

Exited - without.

He had been told this might be a possibility, and had already purchased a wig from a professional Broadway wig-maker.

It was awful looking, but we continued to pretend.

He slipped farther away, and was hospitalized on a closed floor reserved for AIDS patients.

I visited every single day.

I brought tiny gifts, saved up stories to make him laugh - and built my day around spending time with him.

His family wouldn't come and see him. Friends did their best, but simply couldn't be with him when push had finally come down to shove.

I remember shouting at his brother on the pay phone in the hospital hallway "I can't make this better. I'm not allowed to make decisions for his care, because I'm not a family member. He is dying, and you need to be here."

He wasn't.

I held Bru's hand, and wiped his forehead. I asked the nurse to turn up his oxygen because he was struggling and begging for air. "It's as high as it will go." she said - and even though it was time for all visitors to leave, she said I could stay.

The day before, he had spent time with a priest who had given him what I now believe was last rites. He seemed comforted, and we said what needed to be said.

"You know Bru....I will ALWAYS love you."

He smiled and said. "I know. And I will always love you too."

He took his last breath a little before midnight.

I closed his eyes.

Twenty seven years have passed since that night.

-----------------------------------------------

The unusual boyfriend fell victim to his own silliness. He convinced himself that another woman was sending him messages about being attracted to him - and he needed "some space" to explore the magic.

He did.

She didn't

And I was magically single again.

As 1990 dawned - the Internet had not been invented.

The cell phone - wasn't.

Video rental stores were visited daily, and made money hand-over-fist.

Blonde, Madonna, and all that wonderful 80's music that my kids now think is divine - were the sounds of the decade.

And I didn't quite trust CD's.....

Times Square was just beginning to shed the peep shows and adult movie houses.

It was gritty, and how I loved it.

July 4th of 1990 I found myself eating in the diner downstairs from my apartment on the corner of 14th St and Seventh Avenue.

It was empty.

I ate my bluefish dinner and went back upstairs to the drawing board.

One single red rocket cleared the rooftops and the stars rained down.

I was bored.

Decided to place a personal ad in The Village Voice. "Looking for an interesting conversation over a cup of coffee....." and some other minor nonsense.

Over 350 people responded in the three days I checked the answering machine.

"I've never answered a personal ad," said the voice on the phone."I live with a grey cat. And I'm reading DUNE. Maybe you could call me, and we'll get a cup of coffee?"

On our third date, he never went back home.

"You know what? It's getting kind of silly to keep paying for an apartment to keep my cat in...."

"So what are you saying?" I asked. "Are you asking to officIally move in here?"

" Nope. Let's get married. It'll be fun. I'm not exactly getting younger - either are you. Why not?"

"It'll either work - or it won't. What's the reason that we shouldn't at least TRY?"

He talked me into it.

Brian and I were married in the Cathedral of St John the Divine, three months after our first date. Twenty five years ago, last October.

Babies happened. Three in a row. "Irish triplets" as my obstetrician called them.

Quinn.

Morgan.

Maddie.

They were (and are ) the three finest people I have ever known - and are the center of my soul.

Brian and I survived critical fulcrum points where the smallest waver would have plunged all of us into hell.

We stared death in the face - death blinked, and looked away,

more than once.

We walked away from alcoholism.

Left cigarettes behind,

Did battle with depression,

and kept walking....

We've skated on the thinnest of financial ice for YEARS.

We've worked and worked and worked some more - and it was never going to be enough to keep the ship afloat.

The kids, as we've laughed over the years have "Never missed a meal."

Nothing was easy, but our youngest will be the third to graduate from college in the Spring. Yes, there are loans to be paid - and we'll do everything we can to help them gain traction in their lives.

About a year and a half ago we took a good hard look at where the road was leading us. Our ability to maintain the income necessary to support our lives in Westchester county, in a big house with a big mortgage - huge utility bills, and a dwindling job market - we came up with a plan.

The bank was unhappy with our syncopated mortgage payment schedule - and really wanted their house back. Things were sliding downhill, and we simply couldn't stop it.

"Let's take the money from my last free-lance job, and buy a house in Ireland."

Found one.

And did.

Sold the house in Westchester.

Packed up everything we could.

Got on the plane.

And here we are.

January 8th, 2016, and it's 1982 all over again.

The Replicant is out of time.

He sits high on the rooftops above the city, rain is pouring from the black skies - and Roy Batty,- in his last moment of life - knows what it is to be fully human.

"I've seen things, you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain."

We all go through the motions. We get out of bed every day, and do our best to keep our lives and our families moving forward.

We work.

And plan.

And strive for happiness.

I'm no Roy - but I too, have seen things that will pass away with me when I go.

I, too, have learned what it is to be fully, and completely - human.

[the-cemetery-researcher]

Progress update 25/01/2022

Today I started writing this update in the middle of my data entry session, because I needed to rant.

I found a grave which got added to the study during my fieldwork in January that I have no photos of because a member of the public kept talking to me and so I was distracted!! So fucking annoyed at myself. It's this one, which by coincidence in the corner of a photo I took of vandalism damage to Karl Marx's grave in 2019. Just an ordinary cross, for a pretty ordinary family. I feel so bad for them.

Luckily a quick search on ancestry (I had the inscription written down) has led me to a find a grave page for them and that means I can at least use a placeholder image until I can take one. Then I couldn't resist going down another small rabbithole to find out a bit about them, to somehow make it up to them for being so neglectful. William Durnford was a solicitor. His wife Mary is buried with him and they had three daughters - Miney, Mildred and Winifred, and sons called Herbert and Ernest butHerbert died in childhood. When William Durnford died in 1917 he seems to have left his effects (£2574 3s) to Mildred even though Mary outlived him, I wonder if Mary was ill? In 1911 Jemima Veals (Mary's mother) was living with them and was 92! Making the people I study human made me feel a bit better. I always say every stone tells a story and that is so true!

I also had a really good chat with my Friend Jo about what I'm doing. It's nice to have a fellow cemetery friend cheer you on. That brightened up my afternoon and the support is so invaluable.

Finishing this update late at night again. I really did think I'd get through the rest of the graves today, but I forgot that the last 3 sets involve a lot of new data again. I've got all the easy ones and about half of the difficult ones done today - I've got 2 plans to draw (one is very complicated) and 8 graves worth of data to finish. I got 3 plans and 19 graves done today and 28 graves and 4 plans done yesterday. So even though I know rationally that the stuff I did today was harder, I still feel like I should stay up past midnight to carry on...

I think part of the problem is that I'm busy all day tomorrow with other stuff - mostly being a school governor- so I now know it will be at least Thursday before I finish this and Friday before I tackle the rest of the tasks I put on Monday's to do list... Dyspraxia makes it hard to be realistic about how long things will actually take so unless I actually stop and put a time next to everything I tend to overcommit, but I still feel like I'm going so slowly!

I'm going to attempt to be realistic here about the data I have left to do: HGE13.1 - HGE13.6 Plan - 1.5 hours Grave data - 5 hours (I haven't typed up the inscriptions yet) HGE14.1 - HGE14.2 Plan - 3 hours (2 massive and complicated mausoleums - did I mention that my grave plans are drawn in Paint? Yeah, I'm that professional baby! One px = 1cm) Grave data - (fewer inscriptions) 1.5 hours So 11 hours work. I reckon I can do that on Thursday - maybe- I do have a governors meeting on Teams too... Either way it looks like I'll get to the reading/writing stuff on Friday, so I need to post a remote retreat on Twitter so people can join me for part/all the day.

Another part of the problem is that even though Ash keeps reassuring me that I'm not being mean, I still feel like I'm brushing him off a lot and neglecting him. He's been in bed for 3 hours now and will be out of the house before I'm awake tomorrow and yet when he's around I struggle to spare him 30 mins because my brain keeps saying 'but you could be working' and that makes me feel guilty. I also feel guilty if he sees me waste time on twitter or replying to a text or something because that just stretches out the time til I'm done with this shit and can be a good partner again.

I told him I feel like a goblin, and I really do. I did actually shower and get dressed, cook (put things in oven) and do the washing up (twice) today but I still feel gross somehow. And grumpy. I'm always a very emotional person, quick to cry at everything (today it was the Vimes Boots Index) and pretty quick to anger, but this whole process just makes me feel like I'm living on my last, exposed and frayed nerve, all the time. I feel like an ugly hunched up malevolence in the corner of the living room, just giving off bad vibes from my desk all day. I think we need to bring back hermitages so I can be in what currently is clearly my natural environment of a dank cave or hut in the middle of a lake and be away from everyone until this thesis either gets handed in or kills me.

[dykedykegooses]

i'm askin u every single even numbered question for the lesbian ask game

at least you didnt bother with the algebra this time, for which i am thankful

Femme or butch?

i’m more femme but i try to act butch sometimes and i just end up failing hopelessly. ‘look mom i know how to put air in a tire!!’ ‘peyton thats like… not even right’ or ‘oh SHIT look at that blitz!! that was cool’ ‘peyton that was a sack’ ‘oh’

Do you have a “type”? If so, describe it

not really, mostly just like… humor. if u funny we click

Plaid button-ups or leather jackets?

why not both?

no but seriously plaid tbh

Describe your style

um yes

converse, (ripped? sometimes) jeans, and whatever top i feel is appropriate for the Big Aesthetic today

Describe your aesthetic

yes

ive tried going more punk but its just kinda , not worked

my physical aesthetic is very adultolescent. i got chub and look like a freshman but ive been told i pass as a college senior so like

my Big Mood aesthetic is yes

Favorite article of clothing?

either my converse or my “”combat boots”” (theyre not and it makes me sound like an edgelord just saying that) (can you tell im gay)

OH WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT MY JEAN JACKET its like baggy and light and ive started sewing patches from my favorite bands on it (super punk right)

Favorite pair of shoes?

^^^

oh my black strappy heels, theyre surprisingly comfortable

Current haircut?

ive got a bleached bob rn

Any haircut goals for the future?

i kinda want a pixie cut bc i cant handle long hair however long hair is so PRETTY and wow

Describe the best date you’ve been on

iiiiiiiiii dont really know. ive been on very few. i have a Perfect Date in mind, and i guess my favorite was my first date with my ex. we had gotten back from a successful science competition (HAVE I MADE IT OBVIOUS IM A NERD YET IM A BIG OL NERD) and it was like midnight by the time we got back and we were both starving so we went to taco bell and just sat there talking and laughing and i know we were pissing off the staff, but we stayed til like two in the morning and we went home and honestly we both considered it a date but we didnt like… tell each other it was a date? if that makes sense? idk honestly im triggered

Describe the worst date you’ve been on

ugh oh god i went on a tinder date and this girl like in the DMs was like ‘hey do u smoke weed’ and im like ‘lol no’ and then like we made plans to meet up at a coffee shop and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed and im like……………. no and shes like ‘oh right lol’ well THIS BITCH sleeps through the time we were supposed to meet, completely stands me up, and then texts me back like an hour later and was like ‘omg im sorry i overslept!!!’ and it was like….. noon but ok so we meet up after my class and we just sit there really awkwardly trying to make conversation and she asks me AGAIN if i smoke weed im like ‘honey no i dont’ and we just talked about drugs for a while and when i left because i had to gtfo she like gave me an awkward hug and like i sent a text later that night bc im courteous and im like ‘hey i had a great time today’ (i didnt) ‘lmk if you ever want to meet up again!!’ and she just. ignored me lol.

Single? Taken?

im currently in a polyamorous relationship with myself and my anxiety

If taken, talk about your girlfriend/wife!

:)

If single, what are you looking for in a potential girlfriend/wife?

someone who’s able to make me laugh and deal with my bad ideas and will let me cook for her and wants to travel the world with me

Describe your dream wedding

its small. outside. maybe in a field or in front of a lake. i dont personally want a big ballgown, just a short white dress will do. lavenders everywhere. R A I N B O W  C A K E. reception where we slow dance to all the sappy romance songs. its great.

Do you want kids?

not really, but ive considered being a foster parent. i feel like im here to do good; i don’t want to have my own biological children, and im not sure i want to have the permanent responsibility of adopting a kid, but i feel i could handle fostering once we’re financially stable and have the room to accept children into our home.

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?

spain, definitely. somewhere in the north. i want to have a small farm with goats and chickens and vegetables and i want to be away from this american mess.

Favorite lesbian movie?

well ysee…………. the only two explicitly lesbian movies ive seen have been ‘all about E’ and ‘blue is the warmest color’ and i didnt like either of the lmfaoooo i prefer watching lesbian television shows tbqh (or, most commonly, just rewriting all the female characters in my head to be sapphic sooooooo dont @ me)

Favorite lesbian novel/story?

i mean same as above, i dont read as much as i like to. however, i did read “georgia peaches and other forbidden fruit” and that was Really Good and i did read another that was slightly better, but i forget the name but it was about a pakistani (?) girl who was struggling to come out to her parents bc they were very traditionalist but she joins the theater and her like really elite school and the girl she had a crush on basically outs her and is a bitch about it and GOD i wish i could remember it because it was really good

Favorite lesbian song?

ummmmmmmmmmmm i just recently listened to ‘honey’ by kehlani and that was pretty good and pretty gay, but my personal favorite is ‘girls’ by beatrice eli bc holy shit what a Mood

Favorite lesbian musician?

i love mary lambert and beatrice eli.

What lesbian stereotypes do you fit into, if any?

ummmmm now that im thinking of them i cant think of any. i used to play softball and soccer? i love cats. i immediately start planning out the next five years of our lives together anytime im remotely interested in a girl?

Ever been assumed to be nothing more than a gal pal?

i mean………………. no

If a woman wanted to woo you, what would a surefire way to accomplish that?

well bake cookies w me and lets go for a walk & go out and watch the stars at night in the bed of a truck

Be positive! What do you like most about being a lesbian?

I LOVE LOVING GIRLS!!!!!! I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT BEING A LESBIAN!!!!!! GIRLS ARE FANTASTIC!!!!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

Are you more of a cat person or a dog person?

why not both

idk ive never had a cat but i know i lov them

Turn ons?

i.......... dont know

yes

im gay

Turn offs?

long nails youch theyre pretty to look at but i mean at what price

not having anything to talk about

putting yourself down like a lot (i went on a date w this one girl and that was all she did like the entire date like......... im sorry ? :(???)

Do you usually ask other women out or do you wait for them to ask you?

if im being honest i would love for someone to ask me out but since that is Very Unlikely, i tend to be the one to message first and initiate dates and stuff

What is your dream career?

i want to be a psychological researcher in the field of social comparative psychology how sick is that!!!!! just play with dogs all day and record whether or not they boop their noses on a screen

also i wanna be a farmer and a bookstore owner but thats Farther down the line like , when im 50

Talk about your interests or hobbies!

im honestly such a psych nerd i love psychology what the fuck!! its so interesting like ppl are weird man idk brains are weird

im also having a really big green day phase like billie .. he so smol... and also anyone who wants to bash warning or the trilogy can fight me ok those are like My Favorite Albums

im going to a concert in february to see declan mckenna, a Giant Meme

im getting a tattoo w some lyrics of declan’s actually its gonna be sick

What is the most attractive quality a woman can have?

yes

idk for me its being able to have quick, witty, skillful jokes i just love listening to girls talk and tell stories and jokes like wow im gay

also long curly hair? thats always a Solid Look

Do you love easily or does it take time for you to warm up to someone?

i mean. do we really wanna open this can of worms rn

too late, its open

i get those microcrushes where you like see a girl and youre like ‘WOW IM GAY DATE ME’ however once it comes to actually being in a relationship i throw my full weight behind it and worry that im being too suffocating or that im pushing my boundaries etc and ive been told that makes me come off really cold and uncaring so lol choose ur own adventure, you decide

Ever fallen for your best-friend?

unfortunately

Ever fallen for a straight girl?

can you even call yourself a lesbian if you havent

The L-Word: yes or no? (love it or hate it?)

i havent seen it, im such a fake lesbian

Favorite comfort food?

mac n cheese

or pizza

or cheesy potatos

OR CHEESY TOAST

scientific conclusion: im a fatass

Coffee or tea?

coffer

Vegetarian? Vegan? None of the above?

im vegetarian!! have been on and off for like two years now

Do you have any pets?

i have one pup sittin right next to me and shes the prettiest girl in the world

Early-riser or night-owl?

yes

idk i get up at like 9 which is early for me but not as early as like. 5. so

more like night-owl. thanks teenage hormones!

What is your sign?

pisces

Can you drive?

yes

can i drive well?

no

but i do have a sense of direction so thats cool

Who was your first lesbian crush?

tbh.................... my best friend, but i didnt realize it was a crush at the time

the first Gay Crush i had that i knew was a crush was on my close friend at the time, now my ex girlfriend

At what age did you know you were a lesbian?

uhhhhhhhhhh lesbian specifically, like 15-16. queer, i knew in like fall semester freshman year (so like 13??)

At what age did you come out (if you have)?

i mean, i come out to people all the time. first time i came out explicitly as a lesbian was when i was like 15 or 16 (actually i came out to a close straight friend and my ex and they both said ‘congrats’ like it was weird but very nice) and the first time i came out as queer/questioning was to my then-best friend at like 13 and i came out to my mom (involuntarily) at like 17? ish?

Are you crushing on anyone at the moment (celebrity or otherwise)?

yes im crushing on every girl simultaneously at all times

just kidding

(not really)

i dont really have any explicit crushes that i can think of im just really gay

Talk about how your day went

it was fine. got free froyo so that was cool. found out i made an A on my bio practical, so that was cool too. however, i wore a crop top and it was like 55 degrees out and raining so i looked like a total Idiot but yk follow ur slutty gay dreams amiright ladies

Talk about your dreams/aspirations for the future

most of mine are career-centric, but a few are personal.

i wanna go to costa rica in may, i wanna go to yale over the summer, i wanna go to NYC pride in june, i wanna go to spain after i graduate, i wanna go to grad school, i wanna be a psychological researcher, i wanna move to spain or england or hell even france, i wanna have my own farm with the woman i love, i wanna own an LGBT bookstore/library, i wanna just live a quiet life near the sea and not have to worry so much after a while.

Least favorite gay celebrity?

this is a weird one to end on, but iiiiiiim not sure i have one? i can tell you ellen page is probably my favorite, but i cant think of many i dislike so

[you-andthebottlemen]

8 -

Request: “Would you be willing to do one where you and van start liking each other and have to date in secret because you're another member's sister?”

**********

Your brother was your partner in crime. You loved him to death. You’d always been close but that peaked in your 20s when Catfish took off. You didn’t go on tour with them or anything but you always spent time with the band when they were around your area and you never failed to attend any event that included free alcohol or some kind of party. 

You and Bondy got mistaken for a couple all the damn time. Which to most people would be weird, but to you two was fucking hilarious. You recalled one night when you were sitting in a bar lounge with friends and you were on Bondy’s lap laughing and drinking. Some girl, who was obviously into him made a comment about ‘what a sweet couple’ you were and instead of saying he was your brother so he could then go and get laid, you wrapped your arms around his neck, kissed him on the cheek and confessed undying love for him. He hated you but he loved you and you loved that.

Bondy had passed out on the tour bus again. You’d found out it was a common prank to cover his sleeping body in stuff and film it for their tour diaries. They were simple lads who found stupid things funny. You went with it. Tonight it was just you, Van and your unconscious brother.

“Oi, y/n, grab me them box of chocolates will ya? I wanna stack em’ on his head,” Van asked.

“Chocolates? You can do better than that McCann,” you challenged, but handed him the box anyway.

He started to open them and you winced.

“What?” Van asked, confused.

“It’s...such a waste. I could be eating those but instead, you’re putting them in my idiot brothers hair and rendering them inedible.”

“You wanna eat them?” 

“Do I ever.”

With that, Van took one of the sticky chocolate sweets into his fingers and held it out in front of your face. You ate it from his hand slowly and didn’t break eye contact. You sucked his finger too, trying to be as sexy as possible just to see what he’d do. He licked his lips as if you were causing him great bodily pain. You smirked at him and that made it worse.

“Man, if you weren’t Bond’s sister...” he whispered, wiping his hand on his jeans.

“What would you do? But don’t say anything blasphemous, my darling brother may be dead to the world right now but he’s still here between us and it’d be awkward if you spoke about fucking me or something,” you said casually and Van dropped the box of chocolates.

“Get it together McCann, Jesus,” you said in a faux tone of disapproval. 

You picked up the box and kept eating them, shoving the wrappers in Bondy’s pockets.

“Okay, well for starters I’d take you out to dinner like proper fancy with champagne and everything...then we’d go to a bar and like get super drunk and dance on the tables til' we get kicked out then we’d walk home a right mess and probably have sex if I’m honest,” Van ranted, throwing in the last part with a wink just to spite you.

The thought of a night like that with Van was something you’d never considered. But it excited you. Of course, you found him extremely attractive and you obviously got on well, but the idea of anything romantic between you had never crossed your mind. Van had only ever been just the lead singer of your big brother's band. You were always focussed on Bondy and you knew he was protective of you, so the possibility of even dating Van was more than out of the question.

“I like the sound of that McCann, let’s do it,” you shrugged and Van’s eye’s lit up.

“What?”

“You heard me, let’s go on a date.”

“What about your brother?” Van questioned, he was taken aback by your answers. You both knew Bondy would not be okay with the two of you dating.

“He doesn’t need to know, in fact, he won’t. Got it?” You said sternly and Van nodded.

“If we do this, then you gotta stop calling me McCann,” he teased.

“Fine.........VanMcCann,” you mumbled quickly and burst out laughing. 

..........

Your first date with Van was a success. You did exactly what he said you’d do...even the stumbling back to your flat to have sex. You didn’t mind. What started off as something just for the sake of it, started to turn into more. You actually really liked him.

You both acted normal around the guys, giving off no signs of any possible involvement. You’d act friendly but nothing more, hardly even making eye contact...you’d never been particularly close before this so you had to keep up that illusion. Though your flirty nature was widely known so the occasional tease was usually overlooked. But whenever the guys weren’t looking Van would secretly grab your ass or blow you kisses and when you got a moment alone you were all over each other. Your dates were thrilling and the sex was wild. Van was everything you’d ever dreamed of. 

“Who’re you texting?” Bondy asked one day, slumped back in his armchair.

“My boyfriend,” you told him, with a deadpan expression.

He burst out laughing, thinking you were making a joke. You smirked because you really were texting your boyfriend. You and Van were making plans to sneak out after tonight’s show. You were texting him the details while he was off at some radio interview.

You’d decided to sneak out and see a film. You weren’t sure what, but you’d watch whatever was showing at the ungodly hour you had organised to meet. 

“Wanna come get drinks with me and the lads after the show tonight?” Bondy asked you, you froze.

“Nah not tonight sorry, I think I’ll just go home, I’m not feeling well see,” you lied.

“Oh shit, I’ll come stay with you then, we can take a miss together. Watch some lame animal documentary or something?” He offered.

“That sounds great but I kinda wanna be alone,” you told him, trying not to sound suspicious. It wasn’t working. 

“You never want to be alone y/n. What’s going on?” He questioned seriously.

You were going on a date with one of his best friends that’s what. 

“Nothing. Just drop it, I’m on my fucking period okay?” You said full of frustration.

"Jeez, sorry I asked,” Bondy replied, holding his hands up as if to show surrender and you walked out of the room.

You felt extremely guilty for lying to him. It just wasn’t something the two of you did. But you had your date with Van to look forward to and nothing was going to spoil it. 

You sat side stage at the gig and Van occasionally threw you the odd grin. You hoped no one else noticed. You didn’t think they did but you swear you saw Larry send a confused glance your way. 

After the show you left, telling everyone you didn’t feel well. Bondy had clearly recounted his awkward encounter with you earlier as none of them dared question you or persuade you otherwise which was unlike them. Boys and periods...pathetic.

The plan was to leave significantly before Van as to not arouse any suspicion. You hoped he could get away from them to meet you.

You sat out the front of the cinema smoking a cigarette alone. The minutes dragged on and Van hadn’t shown up. He mustn't have been able to get away after all. You sighed and threw the cigarette on the ground in disappointment. You were about to text him saying you were going home but that’s when suddenly you were lifted off your feet and held in a tight embrace. You tensed up for a split second, thinking oh my fucking god it’s midnight and I’m alone and some weirdo is going to abduct me. But it was just Van. Who arguably was a weirdo...but he was your weirdo. You melted into him and smiled, curling your arms around his neck and fingers in his hair. 

“I’m so sorry I'm late babe, the guys got real weird see. It was hard to get away,” he apologised and set you down. 

You told him you didn’t care and just led him by his hand into the old cinema. You got the tickets and Van bought popcorn and fairy floss to share. The only film showing at this time of night was some French romance that had subtitles. You knew this was a recipe for disaster.

Van chose seats in the back row although the theatre was completely empty so it made no difference. You cuddled into his side and fed him fairy floss. The film rolled on in front of you and you tried at first, to follow along but that failed. You then joked around and did your own voiceovers as the characters spoke. You pissed yourselves laughing and threw popcorn at each other. The play fighting turned into kissing and the kissing turned into making out. 

Van’s arm was reaching out to wrap around your waist as he kissed you and he by accident knocked over the popcorn and it fell, spilling out all over the floor. It was an enormous mess.

“Oh shit,” he laughed in a whisper.

“Quick let’s go, they’ll know it was us,” you said, giving him a quick peck on the lips and running out of the cinema with your hands entwined. 

You laughed and ran and adrenaline filled the both of you. When you reached the end of the street, you stopped to catch your breath. You and Van locked eyes and grinned. He picked a piece of stray popcorn out of your hair and ate it. Gross. 

“Fuck y/n, aren’t you just a ball of mischief?” he said, his voice was thick with endearment. 

“I know...what on earth will you do with me?”

You smiled sweetly and unbuttoned your coat. You quickly flashed it opened, revealing the lingerie you had on underneath and nothing else. 

“I rest my fucking case,” Van responded in disbelief, staring at your body even though you’d done the coat back up.

You bit your lip, your eyes shining. He led you back to his car by the hand and drove to your flat as fast as he could. 

........

The sneaking around was fun at first. But as your feelings for Van grew more and more serious, so did your feelings of guilt and fear regarding Bondy. It all got harder and harder to hide. But you wanted the best of both worlds; your relationship with your brother and your romance with Van. 

Van began to sense your unhappiness. He tried to reassure you that it would be fine, that you could keep dating in secret but you knew it wouldn’t work. You couldn’t keep a long term relationship a secret forever? God knows what issues that’d cause. 

You were sitting at the small table in the tour bus playing cards with Bondy. He was putting on some American gangster voice, pretending he was playing a game of blackjack and had his millions on the line. You laughed at his weirdness and joined in.

Van walked through the door and came and stood beside your chair. You almost leant into him and he almost put his arm around your shoulders. But you quickly moved away from each other and pretended it didn't happen. 

"What was that?" Bondy questioned, sounding strange.

Fuck.

"What was what?" You asked innocently. 

"That. You and Van. The second you almost touched you bounced back like two magnets."

"Mate..." Van started. Oh no. 

You glanced at him with a panic. You knew he was about to out you both. Bondy would never forgive you if he found out you'd been lying to him for so long and if you didn't at least tell him yourself. 

"Van and I are dating!" You all but shouted. Your eyes were closed ready for the fallout. 

Bondy was silent. You opened one eye and saw that he was looking at you, then at Van then back again. He put his cards down and took his hat off. Oh god, shit was about to get real. 

"About fucking time," Bondy said casually and put his hat back on, resuming his game of cards.