#i've been doing really bad in the last 2ish weeks

[daz4i]

it's incredibly hard not to despair over all of this ngl

[mejomonster]

Maybe happy health news

So I'd been dealing with POTS symptoms (and still sorta am). But basically fainting, dizziness, and the worst ones for me to deal with which were intense fatigue and my heart rate was 120-150 bpm when standing doing nothing. 120+ sitting, when trying to work. Heart rate would go to resting normal range of under 100 if I laid down. That was it.

My doctor got me compression socks, salt tablets (to take when dizzy/fatigued), and recommended to keep taking electrolytes too. So I did his advice. We figured out my worst fatigue tends to coincide with a very low blood pressure, and he told me to take more salt those days/more electrolytes (which has so far helped a TON... so far no more fainting, collapsing, and I've been able to actually go for a walk or take my nieces somewhere or drive or stand up long enough to grocery shop). I also started a POTS exercise protocol, cause I figured I could tolerate it since occasionally on a low fatigue day I could still walk or dance a little while. The protocol was strength training (mainly abs and legs) and cardio. Honestly I just did the strength training, since my goal was to dance again like normal so anytime I felt good enough to stand more than 5 minutes I TRIED to dance/walk so I figure for the cardio/heart rate targets I was probably already doing something close.

I also started orilissa for endometriosis. Now I don't know if endo causes tachycardia. But if it does? Then wow fuck does treating it help. I've been on it 2.5 weeks and my bloating is finally going down a little, pain is down 40%, I can eat reliably again. So like... to be fair idk if the POTS treatment things im doing are helping or the orilissa as far as fatigue and tachycardia.

But something is making a dent! My blood pressure hasn't dropped as low as often (great news for my fatigue), and the quick fix of "take more electrolytes and salt if it is low" also seems to fix the low blood pressure (and lessen my fatigue and dizziness) within an hour or so. The strength training is I think one of the Most helpful things? After about 2 weeks of strength training I was able to Stop wearing compression socks (the compression socks were helping my heart rate go about 20 bpm lower - so if I'm normally 130 resting heart rate, it was letting my resting heart rate sit at 110 which was helpful). Now, without compression socks, TODAY my resting standing heart rate was 61-82 bpm!!!! NORMAL RANGE BABY

My fatigue today was also reasonably low. I'm not at 100% of what I used to be able to do but I was maybe an 8/10 of my old normal today (so like... if in the past I had a day I ran on 5 hours sleep but managed to get everything done and go out? That's how I felt today). Whereas I have been sitting at 5-6/10 energy level on my usual good days (can sit up okay for work with breaks to lie down, maybe do 1 necessary task involving standing like dishes or shower, maybe do 1 small activity like a walk around block or dance for 5 minutes or hang out with friends for 2ish hours before I'm exhausted). And my bad days last month I've been a fucking 2-3 (collapsing, unable to work, unable to stay awake and sleeping a lot, but able to function and focus sometimes though exhausted when lying down). So like....what I managed to do today is fucking phenomenal for me. It's a usual person's tiring day!!! It's an amount of tasks I used to be able to do!!! I only had to sit down and rest a few times!!!

The past few days my resting heart rate has been really fucking good - for me. It's been 60s at least a little bit, which is just awesome to even see. Last week it was at like 90-110 resting heart rate without compression socks (and 80-100 with compression socks). So these past few days, for it to be mostly under the 100 range? Awesome (overall it's going from 60-120 but mostly its around 80-100 now which is great and what my heart rate USED to be when standing and resting before I got this year of being sick). So yeah, future me, not sure what you're doing right specifically but if you get worse reference this because there's definitely Something significantly helping.

[princess-pill-enjoyer]

Im not dead hi

💀💀💀

I kinda thought to myself a little and I was just like... oh yeh with the note I left on and the degree I've let this get to me dipping for that long probably would look suspect..

Figured I'd get back to it. I am tryna slow down again. Me constantly being like.. high high starts to get in the way I'm seeing. I can get away with it within the first like hour halfish buuut past that I get really out of it and I process shit super slow. I've actually always had this problem now that I'm looking back tbh. But usuallyyyy I'd just dose again during that period and I'd be fine. But with how much i take off rip I have hydration issues by the first and I'm sure taking dose after dose prolly would exasperate that a bit

I'm actually halfway through the bottle now. It was kinda weird to see. It's felt like it's unlimited ever since I bought the giant bottle but 4 months later andd I've emptied the rest of it into the container I hide em in. I don't know how I feel about it.

Oh right uh I dunno if I had done it by the time I posted the other one but I went ghost for like.. 4-5ish days and that was.. eventful. Wasn't planned. I was sad one day and I just continued ignoring everything until a less closeish friend of mine reached out. He considers me his best friend but even with that we don't talk that that much. So once HEEE start going through hoops to try and reach out I was like o uh maybe I took it too far.

All in the past now it's been about a week being back. I try and let myself ignore messages more so that I feel more comfortable giving myself space without needing as long as a break. Well. That's the nice way of looking at it. Whatever uh. R and me have been fine. Had some technical issues with insta and I wasn't on as much cause of it which wasn't a great look after all that. I felt so bad. She cried a few times while I was gone. Unlike me and the other dude we do talk everyday and while the shit aint as like.. ig attentive as it used to be, we do usually get back to each other a bunch throughout the day so she damn near instantly thought something was off..

Sorry I'm babbling at this point. Long story short. Habit has gotten pretty bad. When I dipped I was doing it 3x a day and I've been doing 2ish lately. Still a long way from the once every other day I was doing when I originally started this. It makes me really sad honestly. Sometimes I don't even feel like taking my pills for the day but then boom I'm finna cry. Or irritable and have my whole day ruined off a minor annoyance. It don't even feel worth it to fight it anymore. But the hydration thing is kinda bad so I try sometimes ig

I had 2 funerals to go to while I was gone too. One was an old family friend. I never was close with her as like I'm just now really starting to connect with people in my family tbh. But it was still like.. wild. I just visited her around this time last year and one year later she's in the ground. The second one was for a longtime friend of my mom's. I won't lie, I really didn't know her at all. But it happening back to back just rattled me. I had seen them both semi recently and they weren't deathly ill at the time or anything. I just. I dunno. I can't explain why it makes me sad

I had to get high for the funerals. I felt so embarrassed but I just know it'd be easier that way. Though uh I kept circulating on whether they suffered or not and I couldn't stop crying cause of it. I hate that there's a real possibility that they sat there feeling terrified and in agony before they left. That still kills me. I hope they were able to be semi comfortable at least. It's the least they deserve

I'm not high rn but that's finna change. I had to play this game with a friend of mine yesterday while coming down and that shit was.. miserable. I wanted to sleep and lie around but dude bought the game for me specifically for us to play. I wouldn't dare. I was tryna stay sober today just incase he was tryna play earlier today and i didn't wanna risk being gone gone. But atp I think I'll just hop on tomorrow. I'm sick of being like this. I'll just say I got busy.

I'm gonna probably change the way I write these cause the multiple times a day thing is kinda awkward to document. Or not. I dunno. Maybeee I will stop being such a fucking JUNKIEEE and take the shit at least semi safely I wouldn't need to but. We will see.

I'll get back to it tho. I think it's important to keep up with it and if I only update when I'm semi stable it defeats the purpose of the page tbh. My bad for dying off the face of the earth. I'm fine

[marshmallowprotection]

It’s crazy that Saeran tells Mc how they saved him from everything, but I disagree, I think he saved ME and Himself. As Mc I feel like all he needed was a little shove in the right direction and everything he did, He did on his own and saved Mc in the process if that makes sense. He could’ve totally decided to let Rika do Mc’s cleansing, but he decided for himself he wanted to be better and do better for himself and define what strength is for him to protect both Mc and him. All I did was stand my ground while being understanding and that made him reevaluate himself, his morals and decide for himself what he wanted.

And I felt like this goes the same for his AE, throughout the entire AE, I had Saeran make his decisions and I made sure to encourage, support him and back him up. Was I terrified for this man the whole time? Absolutely, I really did feel like we were gonna die (although cheritz wouldn’t do us dirty like that in Saeran’s own After Ending) but the last thing I wanted was instill fear and anxiety in Saeran bc I’m sure he’s scared too, I don’t want to make it worse and in turn make him doubt himself and second guess his decisions. Only time I didn’t support him was towards the last day when he decided he was gonna stay behind and die, and I kinda felt bad for going against his wishes if that makes sense??? Like I gave him so much freedom and choice and his final one was to die for the people he loves and I just couldn’t bring myself to let him do that. I don’t even think Mc even had a full plan for it either, I just knew I couldn’t leave him yknow?

I say this bc it makes me sad when people downplay his AE and his route overall as him being overly dependent on Mc when I don’t think that’s the case at all, I think he just needed Mc’s support. From the person that gave him the push he needed to save himself, he didn’t ask Mc to do everything, he just asked for their support and reassurance. Hence why our choices and words can make or break him. Especially since it’s only been 2ish weeks since his route, I felt like his heart was still very fragile. His trauma and insecurities didn’t wash away in 2 weeks, so it’s no wonder our words can stir so much negativity in him. Especially when those words come from the very person that saved and freed him. He trusted Mc with his heart during the AE and as Mc we can support him like an SO should or completely screw him over by making him insecure and anxious.

You can clarify and correct me if I got some things wrong , but I just feel like GE doesn’t get enough credit from some people. He’s just as amazing as the rest of his system (Ray, SE, etc,) and I don’t think it’s that difficult to piece together his mindset and understand the theme of his route and AE. Man talked about Freedom and Choice ever since the Secret Endings, so of course I was happy when he finally got that for himself in his own route. All we did was push him in the right direction, he saved himself and I am so proud of him.

Oh, GE Saeran is really humble. He may say that you saved him, but he's well aware that he saved himself. It was just the fact that you had been there by his side. You stayed with him, forgave him, and gave him the courage to fight back against everything that chipped away at him for years. He's always been vulnerable and struggles with his heart and what he wants to do. When you came into his life, he finally realized who he wanted to be. He discovered the man he wants to be and that is a free man who can live a simple life, holding you tightly as he gets to experience everything that he was denied. You helped him figure that out.

Now, I've explained this since the AE came out, but there is a reason why Rika/V and Saeran/MC is juxtaposed together. Rika/V is meant to be the depiction of unhealthy dependency. They can't let go of the other and they burn each other to the ground. They cling to the very things that destroy them. Saeran/MC? They look to each other for advice, but they never force the other to do anything they don't agree with. They balance against each other but they never need the other to exist to get things done. Look at these parallels and realize that the game is telling you what is unhealthy and what isn't.

And Saeran... his heart is light. He chooses kindness because he hates being angry. He hates being filled with wrath. He wants to let go of as much of it as he can so he can breathe. He's tired of being all about anger. He wants to be a free man who can forgive himself for his anger and mistakes, so he forgives those that hurt him so that he may learn how to forgive himself. He's always leaned this way, and the build-up to this mentality has been there in the game. It's right there for you to read and see. You just have to actually look at what he's saying. Saeran longs for freedom, unadulterated freedom, and that has always been the core of who he is. Even SE Saeran wants that badly.

[slainteimeansalud]

(Edit: there's a lot here that would take too long to explain. So I am going to attempt, and largely fail, to reign in my scatter brain. You can comment on posts in Tumblr right? If so, drop comments, questions, observations idk in the comments below. That's something bloggers say right? Also, comment on what you want to know about: typical meals and times, my students. Idk. I will do a "day in my life" Insta style "Emily in Paris" type thing eventually. Crap, even this edit is getting off track.)

Hi. Phew. I think my life might hopefully be calming down. Except school, that will always be a den of chaos, noise and exhaustion. I've accepted this. In fact it's Sat, I woke up and realized I had nothing to do. It took me WAY WAY too long to get up and out. But I did make plans like try to find a free museum, looks like they're all tomorrow, except the art museum which isn't bad but I went last week.

The first stop was a bazaar where I spent too much money, but also got a shoe organizer for my room. Also, being an elementary school teacher, and it seems like I am with how much Bea's been out, you can totally justify buying an adorable buckbeak hippogriff plushie. Then I went to a fruit stand that's two blocks from my place. It looks slightly bigger than the one a block away. I dropped my stuff off and went down the hill to grab something quick to eat. I honestly just kind of wanted a small baguette. Like literally just a hunk of bread, lunch of champions. It's 2ish now, so I think that's lunch time. Spanish have a lot of words for meat between bread, including sandwich I think. The main one I see is bocadillo, which is literally part of a baguette sliced in half with meat- I'd say typically tuna or sausage (many kinds, look like salami? I don't know that sounds wrong) the bread is coated with olive oil, and sometimes tomato. I saw my roommate make one by rubbing half a tomato on the inside of the bread. There may be some cheese, idk, still learning. It's not uncommon to have these for breakfast, I see my students with them all the time going out for recess. Breakfast here is around 10:00. So my students might wake up eat something and go to school but I honestly don't know what that's called, that meal. Maybe like a snack? Their "breakfast" is super small too. Like a bocadillo or an apple.

This pictured is a flauta, or so the sign says. It is a lot smaller than a bocadillo, made on smaller bread. This one was made with jamon iberico and was more than I should have spent and kinda needed more to it, but was really good. Not knowing what to do, I jumped on the metro and am now wandering aimlessly in port Olympic where the games were in like 1996? I should read that tour book. Anyways, hope to write a lot more here, and show some pictures.

Cheers!