#i've been trying to figure this out for WEEKS its driving me nuts.

[fishandships]

this has been an ongoing discussion between my sister and i but forreal like. is Christina....undead? somehow? or has Philippe been driven so far out of his mind that he thinks she's still alive?

like on one hand she's CLEARLY a corpse in their intro short and in all their C-B tier skins (unclear in "Fury", confirmed a revenant of some kind or another for "Shower"), but eg in "their" JP twitter replies, where they both supposedly are responding but are they actually both responding or is Christina a figment of Philippe's delusions and "her" responses are just Philippe speaking for her and possibly not even being aware that "she" is just a voice in his head?

and then you get official arts like this one:

which like initially looks really cute!!! .....but like is Christina undead for Fun Little Illustration purposes and she's actually helping or like. did Philippe jam an icing bag in her hand like some fucked-up imitation of a kid with a doll who wants the doll to "help"...?

ALSO. can he like. "detatch" her from himself? like in "The Rosy Veil" the narrator never mentions her or the fact that Philippe mutilated himself but the story very clearly takes place after her death/the self-mutilation? or is the story not even canon @ netease i am BEGGING you for consistency and answers what the FUCK is happening here

[todorroki]

Love Sea ep 8 thoughts

yall i'm gonna watch next week's ep with my vision partially obscured LMAOOO i know what's gonna go down and i'm dreading it (EXCEPT for fort throwing hands i'd like to see that)

i am Living for the mutrak cuddles. is it because we're gonna get pain next ep that they're laying all the sweet moments down rn LMAO

rak and vi are so so similar it's no wonder they're friends. vi refusing to outright tell mook that she likes her, and rak refusing to admit he's in love with mut. the parallels go crazy with these two. not to mention rak telling vi to go home this episode mirroring vi telling rak to go home back in ep 6.

i LOVE this shot of mut and meena so much. they're so similar it's endearing. also nina is such a strong actress. her growth will only make her better, and i hope she goes so far.

now, about the GL side story, i'm glad we're getting a lot more than the book gave. like YES they got a whole makeout scene and the ending credits this time!! i'm just very sad for mook. she is obviously into vi, but thinks vi is just playing around with her. like their whole problem could be solved if vi just said she liked mook. classic misunderstanding plot.

swerving back to mutrak, my god.... the way this scene is so erotic despite them both being full clothed. we didn't get any nc this ep, but mut pinning rak down and telling him he'll fuck him until he can't think of anyone else!!! that whole scene was so hot. that feather light touch on rak's neck... mut telling rak to Say what he wants yea.. the kinky d/s dynamic goes crazy with these two

AND the way fp just devour each other during kiss scenes... yeah mhmm i'm not recovering ever

yall fort's arm is so thick in love sea. my god like i don't think peat's hands r very small either (BUT IDK i've never seen him irl i wouldn't know). anyways the way they're holding each other is kinda driving me nuts sorry

dam.. and they're always just kissing each other like that.

be so fr mmy are yall putting extra nc scenes in the boxset. SPEAK INTO THE MIC.

i think it's so crazy an abusive absent father is trying to tell his son's man to break up with him bc he isn't "good enough" like damn what gives you the right?? like mut said, why should he listen to jak LMAO even jak's reasons were very weak to me.

also, production. why do that dramatic phone screen cracking to hell if you're just gonna make rak pick up a perfectly fine unbroken screen in the next shot ? is it just.. a figurative shattering of the screen to parallel the shattered glass of rak's past? that was a slightly weird way to have the scene play out but ok. i guess. peat's terrified-traumatized acting goes so hard as always.

no spoilers but the main conflict and its resolution is so.... hm. let's just say the way it plays out is not my favorite, though i'm always open to my opinion changing depending on how it's done in the series. i've been enjoying the way the series handles the novel scenes so far. ANYWAYS pain train until like the second half of ep 10 me thinks, and i'm dreading it a little LMAO i know fp are gonna make it hurt 100x more than the novel bc they're good at that.

[aylacavebear]

Stockroom Antics - Chapter 22

Maria had changed jobs numerous times over the last five years, more to keep herself safe than anything else. Her mother had told her she was a fairy but she thought it was just her mom being weird. Honestly, though, she had no other way of explaining what had happened to her that stormy day before she'd gone into a coma for two weeks.

Please don't take my work. I'll post warnings for each chapter. Will probably be 18+ I haven't decided yet!

Word Count: 2281

Pairing eventually Dean Winchester x OC

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of Demon Deals, and Prior mention of the show's history of its darker encounters.

A/N: This one's written a little differently than my last one. Let me know what you think. It's the first time I've tried this type of writing. Chapters will alternate viewpoints as well. I also looked into an actual area so this one could feel more realistic. This one is taking on a life of it's own in a turn I hadn't anticipated, so adding a new tag.

----------------------------------------- Stockroom Antics Chapter 22

“FUCK!!” Dean yelled, pissed.

Sam was stunned, and Bubbles looked around, trying to figure out what had just happened and where she had gone. The word “alive” flashed in Dean’s mind, and his attention went straight to Bubbles.

“I know. I just don’t know how to find Rowena,” he sighed, not wanting to scare her.

“We’ll find her,” Sam tried to reassure his brother, although he wasn’t entirely sure how.

Sam called Rowena’s cell numerous times, leaving several messages that weren’t very nice. At this point, Dean had been pacing and drinking whiskey. He felt like he was going nuts, not knowing where she was. Both brothers knew how deceitful Rowena could be when she wanted to be. That woman couldn’t be trusted.

They even tried calling Maria’s cell, but it was sitting in her room on her nightstand, which meant they couldn’t trace it to her location. That frustrated Dean further. Dean even called Crowley’s cell, but he didn’t pick up either, so Dean left him a very nasty message.

On the other hand, Bubbles went back to the papers on the table and began drawing a picture. It was from Maria’s perspective, from wherever she was. Bubbles then handed the drawing to Dean, looking hopeful.

He looked down at the drawing. Large windows viewed the city, Rowena was sitting in a reclining chair, a coffee table was between that and a couch, and what could have been a bedroom was to the right of where Maria sat on the sofa.

Dean sighed, “I’m sorry. I don’t know where that is.” 

His hands fell to his sides. Dean felt utterly useless. Rowena could cover her tracks and easily keep them from locating her or summoning Crowley. Bubbles flew over and landed on Dean’s shoulder, trying to comfort him.

“Dean, we’ll find her. She’s going to be alright,” Sam again tried to reassure him. Although, he had no clue how they were going to find her, at least not yet.

Bubbles shared the image of what Maria could see that was in her mind. It wasn’t a strong connection between the two, but it was enough. Dean’s eyes widened, realizing he at least knew roughly where that was.

“I have an idea,” Dean stated, grabbing his keys and heading toward the garage.

“Where are we going?” Sam asked from the passenger seat as they drove down the road, Bubbles sitting between them.

“If I had to guess, Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I’m not entirely sure how I know, I just do,” Dean told him, determined to find her.

The boys had been driving for hours, and the sun had been down for at least an hour when Dean’s cell phone rang. Sam answered it, though, since Dean was driving.

“Hello?” he asked, fairly confused.

“It’s Maria. I’m uh, I’m at the bunker. Where are you guys? Is Bubbles okay? Is she with you?” she asked.

“Who is it?” Dean almost demanded.

“It’s Maria. She’s at the bunker,” Sam told him, then began answering her questions, “Bubbles is with us. We’ll be back in a couple hours.”

“Is she alone?” Dean asked, his jaw clenching as did his hands on the steering wheel as he quickly flipped a bitch.

“Yeah, I’m alone,” she answered, clearly able to hear him.

“I’m gonna put you on speaker,” Sam told her and did just that.

“What happened? Are you okay? Did that witch do anything to you?” Dean quickly asked her, a mix of anger and frustration, as well as concern.

“Slow down. All she did was talk to me. I’m fine,” she answered, although something sounded off to him or felt off. He wasn’t entirely sure.

“What did she want?” Sam asked in a much softer tone, although still quite concerned.

“She just wanted to talk,” she answered.

The brothers shared a look as Bubbles looked back and forth between them. 

“What did she want to talk about?” Sam asked, attempting to coax her to talk.

There was a long silence before she finally spoke, “She said she could do the spell to awaken my powers.”

Dean’s mind was racing, thoughts going faster than he could keep up, “What did she want from you?” he asked her, hoping he didn’t sound as angry as he felt.

“Just a vile of my blood,” she answered as if it was no big thing.

“Please tell me you didn’t agree to that,” Sam practically begged, praying she hadn’t.

“No. I told her I wanted to think it over first,” she replied, and Dean could have sworn he heard a hint of annoyance in her words.

“Look, Sweetheart. We’re not trying to tell you what to do, but that is the last woman you want to give your blood to,” he tried to explain to her, but it didn’t come out as calmly as he would have liked.

“I just called to tell you I was back and I’m fine and to find out where you all went. I’m gonna get something to eat and head to bed. Since it seems that you require to know my whereabouts now,” she said flatly, then she hung up the phone.

“Son of a bitch!” Dean growled, hitting the steering wheel as he stepped on the gas. 

Sam sighed, “Dean, you said it earlier. She needs some time to adjust. We’ll just have to find out another way to reach her,” although he wasn’t entirely sure how to do that at the moment.

The drive back was mostly silent. Both boys were lost in thought, and Bubbles kept trying to comfort Dean in whatever way she could think of. Sam thought back to the night before. She had opened up a bit, but her mood quickly seemed to tank when certain things were brought up. He just kept telling himself that there had to be a way to reach her.

By the time they got back to the bunker and pulled into the garage, Dean had mostly calmed down. Bubbles flew out, through the war room, and down the hall to her room. She opened the door and landed on the bed, tilting her head. Dean was right behind Bubbles. The sight he saw broke his heart. 

She was sitting on her bed, arms wrapped around her legs, her head buried in her knees, crying. Sam stopped just behind Dean, feeling for her as well. Bubbles set her hand on one of Maria’s, wanting to comfort her. That only seemed to cause her to cry harder, although she seemed to attempt to stay quiet in her sobs.

Dean took a deep breath and slowly walked over, sitting on the foot of her bed while Sam stood in the doorway, “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Dean asked her softly. He wanted to reach out, touch her hand, and comfort her, but he knew that would probably only cause her to pull away.

“Go away,” she grumbled through sobs, not looking up.

He sighed, “You’re not alone, and you don’t have to go through this alone,” this time, he did reach out, but he set his hand on her arm, where her flannel was, giving it a gentle squeeze. She barely moved her head to see him. To him, she looked so sad, so alone.

“I… I just-,” she attempted through sobs.

“Shh. It’s okay. Take all the time you need,” he told her softly.

“Thank you,” she whispered.

“Did you eat anything?” Sam asked her from her doorway.

“No…” she mumbled and turned away from the two of them.

Bubbles looked up at Dean, and the image of Maria sitting at the table eating flashed through his mind. He didn’t say anything out loud, though, knowing it might upset her further.

“Sweetheart, I’m gonna go make you something to eat. Do you want to eat in here or come out to the kitchen?” Dean asked her softly, gently rubbing her lower arm over her flannel.

She just shrugged her shoulders, and Dean sighed, “Either way, I’m gonna go make you something.”

Dean gently squeezed her arm before he went to the kitchen, Sam following close behind. Bubbles stayed with her, though, worried. Bubbles nudged her gently with her head, trying to get her attention. It was so difficult to bond with her without physical contact and the fact that she refused to believe in soulmates.

“What the hell did Rowena say to her to make her cry like that?” Dean grumbled as he began making her a sandwich.

“Whatever it was, it doesn’t look good,” Sam sighed, leaning against the counter and crossing his arms, “Maybe she’ll open up.”

Dean sighed, “To you.”

The look of compassion on Sam's face was almost heartbreaking. “Dean, she’ll open up to you, too. She clearly just needs some time.”

“Rowena just proved Crowley right, though, by taking her out of here like she did,” he said quietly, finishing up her sandwich, “How is she ever gonna trust me… us, now?”

Sam sighed and helped his brother put the stuff away before the two made their way back to her room. She was at least petting Bubbles and sitting cross-legged on her bed, and she seemed to have stopped crying. Although she wasn’t smiling and still looked so sad, Dean gingerly sat at the foot of her bed, setting the plate between the two of them. He made note of how she didn’t look up at him.

“Whatever Rowena said to you, it was probably twisted. She does that when she wants something,” Sam spoke softly from her doorway.

She looked up at him, fresh tears threatening to fall in her eyes. Dean almost moved to go hold her but stopped himself. All he wanted to do was wrap her up in his arms and take away her pain.

Sam walked nervously into her room and set one of the hex bags on her night table, “Even if you don’t trust us, this will keep Rowena from being able to just disappear with you again. Just keep it in your pocket, please.”

She just nodded her head a little and looked over at it, then put it in the pocket of her flannel before looking at the sandwich on the bed.

“Try to eat, at least a little bit. You’ll feel better after,” Dean told her. His entire being wanted to take away her pain, and it hurt that he couldn’t. “We’ll be in the library if you need anything.”

Then, they left her to eat alone. Bubbles stayed with her, though. Dean grabbed the whiskey again while Sam grabbed a beer. They heard her bedroom door close, but she hadn’t come out, which made Dean sigh.

“At least she has the hex bag now. Rowena can’t just disappear with her again,” Sam attempted to reassure his brother.

“Sam, I don’t know how even to explain what I’m going through,” Dean began, somewhat quietly, sipping his whiskey, “It’s more intense than anything I’ve ever felt before. Seeing her like that, it… it hurts.”

Sam sighed, “I can draw the sigil on you again. It will help at least minimize what you’re going through.”

“If this is even half of what she’s feeling…” he trailed off, his gaze on nothing in particular.

Most people didn’t get to see Dean like this when he showed his emotions, but his brother could read him well, even beyond just his expression or tone. Dean had been messed up after he’d had Cas wipe Lisa and Ben’s memories, but it didn’t even compare to how he looked right now. Sam wanted to go and just tell her that Dean was her soulmate, as he was reasonably sure of it, but he also didn’t know how she’d react to that. He didn’t want to have the information push her over the edge.

Bubbles flew through the war room about a half hour later, carrying the empty plate to the kitchen. Then, she joined them in the library, landing in front of Dean. She looked up at him, worried. 

“How is she?” Dean asked quietly, gently petting Bubbles on the head.

A picture of her curled up in bed in a ball, holding onto her pillow, went through Dean’s mind, along with the words “sad” and “lonely”.

He took a slow, deep breath, fighting the urge to go to her again, “Is she crying?” he asked quietly.

Bubbles shook her head. That made him feel a little better.

“Maybe she’ll get some much-needed sleep,” Sam offered sympathetically.

The image of a place with massive trees and plant life began playing through Dean’s mind with the word “dimension”. Dean looked at Bubbles, now puzzled. Then, the word “Astaria” was in his head.

“Oh, you’re going to see her or take Maria to see her?” he asked Bubbles curiously.

She tilted her head slightly, so Dean rephrased his question, “Are you taking Maria to see her?”

Bubbles nodded.

“Good. That might help,” Dean sighed, finally feeling some sort of relief.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked. Hearing just one side of the conversation was difficult to follow.

Dean looked up at his brother, slight relief in his expression, “She’s curled up in bed. At least she ate. Bubbles is going to take her to see Astaria tonight in her dreams. She’s having a really rough time with everything,” he explained, then sighed, finishing his drink.

The brothers did get themselves something to eat that night, but Dean stayed up alone for a little while. After Sam headed to bed, Bubbles went to Maria’s room. Dean sat there, sipping whiskey, lost in his thoughts for another hour before he, too, went to bed for the night.

----------------------------------------- Chapter 23

Tag List: @djs8891 @deans-spinster-witch

Link to the series Master List

A/N: If you'd like to be tagged in future chapters, leave me a comment, and I'll make sure to tag you

[aw-doll-no]

"I've Been Checking You Out"

(1807 words)

Pairings: Bucky Barnes/Clint Barton

Warnings: /

Tags: oblivious clint, misunderstanding

Summary: "I've been checking you out." Barnes tilts his head. "I'm pretty sure you noticed but you didn't really respond to it."

Note: this is unbeta'd like all of my stories but I try to read it a couple of times to correct at least a few mistakes, well I didn't have time for that so I'm sorry if this is even more bumpy than usual :)

>>>------>

Clint is going to die in this tower filled with people he trusts because they were too blind to see what's right in front of them. This should have been a safe place but the moment he came in it was all over.

That's not quite right. Nothing happened at his arrival, it started when he became comfortable being around people and he began to hang out on the communal floors. Somewhere along the way did Clint do something that catched his interest. And interest means killing instinct. Clint gets a headache just thinking about what he did wrong. It was all okay in his opinion but his opinion doesn't matter because apparently he did something to deserve death.

He walks back to his bed and let's out a deep breath. It's safe... for now. Thank god that he is on a floor with Steve and not Clint and that every apartment is full equipped and there is technically no need to leave. But Clint will go nuts if he's going to be caged in all day. It's not the people he misses it's the lack of activities in his rooms that drive him crazy. Sleeping and Dog Cops are only entertaining for so long.

He throws himself onto his bed and buries his face in the pillow to let out a frustrated groan. Clint turns around, staring at the ceiling he starts anew. Rinse and repeat. What. Did. He. Do?

There a two possibilities: he did something wrong or he said something wrong. Let's start with the first.

Barnes doesn't go on missions and he also doesn't train with the others so that reduces some. Clint gives him space and minds his volume as best as he can. He never startled him, came behind him, tried to set him off or took his stuff. He also doesn't talk during movie night, doesn't speaks with a full mouth at the dinner table or steals food of his plate if Barnes problem got something to do with manners. Natasha teached him better than that.

While not being the best behaved it could be a lot worse. He tries not stepping on anyone's toes and so far it worked. Which brings Clint to possibility two. He said something wrong.

This could be it. Clint's mouth works without permission but Barnes seemed to be safe from that because he avoids talking to people. Well mostly. He's not keen on one-on-one talks with anyone else but Steve, he rather participates in group conversations. Or it looks like he participates, he mainly stands by. Clint was part of said group conversations from time to time but even then he never addressed Barnes personal.

That could be it. Clint never did anything to Barnes personally so maybe he's not offended on his own behalf. Which means Clint did/said something wrong to Steve. Barnes is known to be protective but Steve is known for his stubbornness and his refusal to stay back from a fight. If he got a problem with Clint he surely would tell him.

This leads nowhere. Clint grabs his phone and dials. He waits. And waits. And waits. Finally his call gets accepted but the the line stays silent. Shit he forgot the time zones and Tasha is quiet which means she's either half asleep or pissed. Probably both.

"Uh hey Tash. I didn't wake you up, did I?" No answer. "Okay so um I-I'm just going to hang up now alright?" Still no answer. "I love you bye," he says fast and hangs up. That will have consequences he's sure of it.

Sighing Clint rubs his hand over his face and thinks back to how it started.

They just came back from a successful fight, spending some time in the communal area. Clint was sore because he did something he considered brave while others might thought it was stupid but in the end it worked and he saved lives so he couldn't care less.

While he sat at the counter sipping coffee Clint felt a tingle in the back of his neck which meant that he was being watched. Subtly he tried to check what's going on.

There were five people present. Clint was one of them, Tony and Steve were in a heated discussion about some nonsense and paid nobody attention but themselves, Tasha does watch Clint sometimes but he instantly knows when it's her and this time was different, which only left Barnes.

Clint brushed it off at the time thinking it was only fatigue and paranoia speaking because Barnes seemed calm and in control plus nobody else seemed worried about it. That's how it started.

Over the days the tingle came back repeatedly which made Clint kind of nervous. He knew it was Barnes every time but why was he observing him? Clint continued to act like he didn't noticed it and waited for the right moment, where Barnes would let his guard down, to catch him in the act.

The tingle came more often, lasted longer and Clint knew that Barnes would start feeling too sure of himself any moment now which would lead to making a mistake.

It was at dinner when Clint felt it again that he decided to look up. And Barnes? He looked him straight in the eyes. No embarrassment, no avoiding, he didn't even blink. Clint was so puzzled that he switched his view and left as soon as dinner was over.

It seemed like Barnes didn't get careless like Clint thought at first but that he actually wanted Clint to know that he was watching him and after the dinner Barnes dismissed being subtle all together.

Clint was constantly observed. The moment he stepped into a room Barnes would look up, sometimes even turn around. He would watch Clint from afar, close up, while movie night, dinner, training with the team and shooting with his bow. And never did he look away first when their eyes met.

It started unnerving Clint because he just couldn't figure out why. So when Tony got the idea to get a lot of booze for a movie night, Clint dived right in. Not the smartest idea as it turned out.

He felt the buzz in his head and his attention for the movie stopped half an hour ago. Just sitting there, enjoying the drunk feeling was fine by him until the tingle started yet again. Clint looked over annoyed to meet Barnes gaze but this time was different. Barnes smirked at him with a look on his face that screamed 'I'm going to eat you alive'. It made Clint's blood run cold. He felt like prey being watched by its predator. All of it made sense now. Clint became part of a twisted cat and mouse game and nobody noticed. Barnes probably wanted to test out his abilities now that he's free (more or less) of his Winter Soldier mindset and decided that Clint was the perfect candidate for it.

He doesn't remember leaving just how his fogged brain told him to flee immediately and that is now five days ago. Since then he didn't leave his room even once.

Barnes has 70 years experience, involuntary but still, Clint has the feeling that he can't keep up with that. Natasha needs to come home soon.

>>>------>

Seven days. He's stuck in his apartment for a whole week now. Well actually he isn't stuck Clint could go out any moment but he's a little concerned. Not scared. Not scared at all. Okay maybe a little bit but nobody can blame him for that because the freaking Winter Soldier is after him.

This can't go on forever at some point he will run out of excuses as to why he's not around anymore. Fuck that. Clint's going out now. He will go to the communal area trying to get leftovers from dinner.

He gets up and walks out with as much confidence as he can manage.

>>>------>

This is delicious and he can't believe he missed out so many dinners. Taking another big bite Clint nearly doesn't notice someone entering the kitchen. His fork is halfway to his mouth when he feels it again. The tingle. He puts it down again and prepares himself. Clint won't go down without a fight.

"What's up?" he asks while casually turning around leaning against the counter, crossing his arms.

Barnes is standing there with his hands in his pockets. Slowly a grin starts to spread over his face. Clint is a bit surprised, this was a lot more intimidating in his memory but that's probably an act and not cute at all.

"I've been checking you out." Barnes tilts his head. "I'm pretty sure you noticed but you didn't really respond to it."

"Oh I definitely noticed but I ignored it 'till now. Whatever you expect me to do or say, it won't happen. I will not give in."

Barnes' smile drops, his eyes start darting around. "I wasn't- I mean-" he licks over his lips in a nervous manner. "You don't owe me anything I just tried- doesn't matter. I'm sorry. I'm gonna-" He points over his shoulder starting to leave.

"The fuck?" Confused Clint starts following. "Hey wait."

"It won't happen again. I'm going to leave you alone, promise."

"That's all I wanted but somehow this doesn't feel right. Now wait a second, would you?" Clint walks in front of Barnes stopping him. They both look at each other without saying a word.

Barnes raises an eyebrow in question.

"Uh well. I have no clue what's going on right now. I thought you would jump me any moment and now you apologize for it?" asks Clint waving his hands.

"Jump you huh? Funny that. Actually I thought about it but you make it sound like a threat."

"You can't stand me," Clint whispers.

"Why would you think that?" Barnes asks but waves it off the same moment. "Clint I'm going to tell you something now and I want you to listen." He takes a calming breath before continuing. "I noticed you pretty early but I wasn't in any condition for anything. But now? Well now I thought I could try my luck," he chuckles, "turns out the last 70 years really fucked me up. I used to be a great flirt and now I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Thought I would just try to get your attention but you're not even interested."

"You were trying to flirt? I thought you wanted to kill me." Clint holds up his hands to stop Barnes from talking. "Now it's my turn talking. But I got a better idea than that. Because talking isn't my strong suit and thinking apparently also not. So huh how about making out?"

Barnes starts smiling. "I can't believe this is my life now."

[robinrunsfiction]

okay one more thing and i'll shut up: what about a human!gerard x vampire!reader?? i've literally never seen one anywhere. "What's your tragic backstory?" "My what now?" "Y'know, you're a fuckin vampire, isn't your past supposed to be dark and tragic?" "Listen, dude, I've literally only been a vampire for a total of three months and that's because I fucking ASKED to be one." "You're the strangest person I've ever met." "Indeed I am. But you're the one who asked me out."

My Monster

Pairing: Gerard Way x Female Vampire ReaderRating: GeneralRequested by: @pest-ill-enceWord Count: ~2,700Author’s Note: So I started writing this in July (Does that seem right?Because that seems like… really long ago… But I started writing it on tumblr,and had it saved as a draft file and when I go to it, it says July 12th which is bananas, but ok!), but I left off writing it. Then I got the above request and I still had this and I’m actually finishing it off! It’s set circa Bullets era, hence the Umbrella Academylevels of technology haha

Gerard scanned the crowd of the small venue as he sang. Thecrowd was rowdy, fired up, but in the back of the room he spotted you at thebar, drink in hand, watching with a smile.

Feeling the singers gaze on you, you locked eyes with him andsmiled even more. He was gorgeous you thought as you sipped your drink.Throughout the performance his attention kept coming back to you.

After the set, crowd dispersed, and the band members talkedto the fans who stuck around. You had turned back to the bar to pay your billwhen someone sat down on the next stool. You glanced up and the singer from theband was sitting next to you.

“Umm hey, I’m Gerard, thanks for coming out to the show.” Hesaid running his hand through his hair.

“I’m (y/n). You guys are really great, you know?”

“Thanks,” he said with a bashful smile and your stomachflipped. He was even cuter up close.

You two continued talking for quite a while before younoticed the time.

“Hey Gerard, I really want to continue this conversation,but I have to go get ready for work.”

Gerard looked up at the clock above the bar, it was almost 2AM and looked back at you with a confused look.

“I own a bakery,” you explained. “I have to get the breadand pastries baking for the day.”

“Can we meet up some time soon?” He asked hopefully.

“Yea, that would be awesome,” you said with a smile beforereaching over the bar to grab a pen and a napkin.

“Hey, don’t just go grabbing shit,” the bartender calledfrom the end of the bar behind you. You whipped your head around and shot him aglare that made his blood run cold. Gerard saw the look of fear on thebartender’s face and looked over his shoulder trying to figure out whatelicited such a look. He shrugged when he didn’t see anything out of orderbehind him and turned back to you as you held up the napkin with your phonenumber on it and a sweet smile.

“Call me,” you said as you got up to leave.

“I will,” he replied as he watched you walk away. Gerard waslooked at your phone number on the napkin when the bartender approached him.

“Hey man, watch yourself with that chick, she’s scary,” hesaid.

“What the fuck are you talking about man?” Gerard asked incredulously.The bartender just replied by holding his fingers over his teeth like fangs andsnarled at the singer.

“Ok,” Gerard said as he waved him off and went back to thestage where his bandmates were starting to pack up their equipment. It had beena great night in his book.

~

The phone ringing on your nightstand woke you from yourslumber. Sitting up against the pillows in your cool dark room you answered,trying to shake the sleep from your voice. “Hello?”

“Hey, (y/n)? Its Gerard, from the bar.”

“Oh hey, how’s it going?”

“I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No, it’s ok. What’s going on?”

You and Gerard talked for a while about life, his band, andsome new songs he was working on. You agreed to meet up for coffee in a coupledays before their next show.

The night of your date, you got up early to do your hair,and makeup. Your signature look was a bit mod; winged eyeliner and a neutrallip. It wasn’t exactly the trendiest look, but you knew what you liked. Youpulled on your coat and headed out.

When you arrived at the coffee shop, Gerard was out frontsmoking a cigarette looking a little nervous. You smiled as you approached inthe cold early dusk air.

“Hey, how’s it going?” you asked as you approached.

“Great,” he said with a smile as he snuffed out hiscigarette under the toe of his boot. He held the door open for you as youwalked into the small coffee shop. You both ordered black coffee and settled inat a small table a silence overtaking you both, until you both started takingat the same time.

“So you own a bakery?” He asked as you asked “How often doesyour band perform?” You both laughed as Gerard ran his hand through his blackhair.

“Umm yea, I’ve owned the bakery for a while. It’s been afamily owned since the 30s.”

“Wow, that’s really cool,” Gerard said with a smile. Therewas something about him you really could not put your finger on. You just feltso comfortable with him.

“Are you excited for your show tonight?” You asked aftertalking about your bakery for a while.

“Oh yes, we have a couple new songs. You’re coming tonightright?”

“Of course! How soon do we have to go?”

Gerard glanced up at the clock on the wall. “Oh yea, weshould get going.”

You both grabbed your cups and headed out into the coldnight. As you walked down the street, you felt his hand brushing against yourstentatively. You glanced up and he glanced down shyly and took your hand.

When you got to the bar they were playing in, a line wasstarting to form out front and you both slipped around to the back.

“I got to help set up, so I’ll see you after the show.”

After the show, you found Gerard and he was grinning andfull of energy, as the show was just as energetic and exciting as the last one.He threw his arm over your shoulder and introduced you to the other guys in theband. After they finished tearing down their equipment, Gerard offered to walkyou back to your car.

“Thanks for the good time tonight Gee,” you said as youleaned against your car. Gerard had been much more confident about taking your handas you walked the blocks back to where you parked.

“Thanks for coming out, I’m glad you had fun,” he said,looking down at your hand in his, then looked back up at you. You bit your lipas you glanced at his and Gerard took the hint you were not so subtly sending. Heleaned in, pressing his lips softly against yours at first, until you reachedup and pulled him in a little more strongly and then he was wrapping his armsaround your waist.

You instantly felt a spark, the connection you felt fromback in the coffee shop solidifying even more. When you pulled back the look inhis eyes told you he felt the same.

“Wanna do this again soon?” He asked quietly. You nodded andsmiled at him. “Good, then I’ll call ya.”

“I’ll see ya around,” you said as you got in the car. Youwaved as he watched you drive away. But then Gerard did a double take. Heglanced at the rear-view window, he didn’t see you. His eyes quickly scanned tothe mirror on the door and again saw nothing but the interior of the car. Hechalked it up to the adrenaline in his veins wearing off, or the dim light. Butsomething nagged at the back of his mind that there was something else goingon.

~

The next night Gerard ventured back to the bar where he hadmet you. The bartender that was working that night was still behind the bar, dryingglasses when Gerard approached.

“’Scuse me,” Gerard said to get his attention.

“What can I get you?”

“Nothing, umm, I was here the other night, I was talking tothis girl and you said to be careful,” as Gerard spoke a look of recognition spreadacross the man’s face.

“Oh yea, now I remember you, she try to bite you?”

“No, what? No, that’s what I was wondering about. You saidto be careful around her.”

“Yea, she’s been coming here for years, never ages. Rumorhas it she’s a vampire.”

Gerard looked at the bartender like he was nuts, but his curiositywas piqued. “You really think?”

The bartender nodded. “Why not. I’ve seen a lot of crazyshit over the years. Why not believe in vampires too?”

Gerard thanked the bartender for the information and headedout, his head spinning. He was always intrigued by vampires, but he thoughtthey were the stuff of legend. Now this beautiful girl that he really wanted tosee again was supposedly one of them, and he was even more intrigued.

~

You and Gerard had been going out for a couple months nowand growing closer. After your first date, you felt like he was watching yourbehaviors a bit more closely at first, but he seemed to have gotten used to theway you lived. You noticed that unlike other guys you tried to date, Gerard didn’tinvite you out to eat, which really made life easier. You didn’t eat likepeople, because you weren’t people. In fact, you ate people. Not really,though. You had a friend at the Red Cross who brought you what youaffectionately called your juice boxes from their donated supply.

After another late night with Gerard, you had hurried home.When you got in, you saw you had a message on your answering machine. Pressingplay, Gerard’s voice filled the room.

“Hey, I just noticed you left your scarf here, if you want,I can drop it off when you open your shop up this morning. I don’t want you tonot have it when we’re out of town for a few weeks. Umm yeah, I’ll see youlater.”

A smile crept across your face as you changed into freshclothes. You didn’t need that scarf, but any chance to see Gerard again beforehe left town was welcome. You quickly called him back and told him to come tothe back door any time after 6 AM.

You went downstairs and set to work on the day’s baked goodsas well as a special-order birthday cake. You opened the store when youremployee, Martha, came in to work the counter. As you placed the finishingtouches on the top layer of frosting you heard a quiet rapping on the backdoor. “Hey, come on in,” you said opening the door for Gerard.

“Thanks, here’s this” he said handing you the scarf. Youtook it from him and with a glance toward the front of the store, pressed yourlips to his for a brief makeout session before redirecting your attention backto the cake.

“It looks great, you’re really good at that,” he repliedsitting down on the stool across the small kitchen watching you get back towork.

“Thanks, I’ve had a lot of practice. I should be done soon.”

The bell above the front door rang as a customer came in andMartha greeted them.

“You see sweetie, I used to bring your mother here when welived in this neighborhood” you heard a familiar voice say. It had been a longtime since you heard that voice, and it had aged.

You glanced up from the cake, and without meaning to, metthe old woman’s eye. She looked like she had seen a ghost.

“Lorraine? Is that you? No, no it couldn’t be, you haven’taged a day since we moved!” She babbled and you felt a rush of irritation andembarrassment wash over you. You glanced nervously over at Gerard who lookedbetween you and the old woman with a confused expression on his face.

“Oh, ah, no sorry, that was my Grandmother. She owned thebakery before me” you said with a smile.

“My goodness, I’ve never seen a family resemblance sostrong!”

“I hear that a lot, excuse me won’t you?” you said with awave before turning and hurrying down the stairs to the basement. You heard asecond set of footsteps behind you.

“Are you ok?” Gerard asked as you paced the dim room.

You hung your head as you stopped pacing. You thought enoughtime had passed, that you had changed your hair enough, your modern clotheswould disguise you, that you wouldn’t actually be in the store when someone recognizedyou from before, from impossibly long ago. But it happened. No one would give asecond thought to a doddering old lady thinking you were practically a twin ofyour supposed grandmother, but it unnerved you especially with Gerard there towitness it.

“What is going on?” Gerard asked again, placing his hands onyour shoulders. You looked up at him and sighed. May as well rip off thisbandage.

“I- I, didnt want to tell you because I really like you, whichsounds really fucked up and backwards, but,” you took a deep breath and sighed.“I’m going to tell you something, because I trust you. And you can leave andnever come back if you want but promise me you won’t tell anyone else.”

He furrowed his brows even deeper.

“You may have heard some rumors about me. And depending onwhich ones you’ve heard they may be true.”

“So, the rumors about you being a vampire?”

“Are accurate.” You stated and let your gaze fall to thefloor. Gerard gently placed his hand under your chin and tilted your face up tolook you in the eyes.

“My girlfriend is a vampire? That is the coolest fuckingthing I’ve ever heard!” He said with a grin before planting a kiss on yourlips. When you separated you laughed.

“I should have known you would react like that,” you repliedwith a laugh. “And I promise I will tell you everything, but I have to finishthat cake and you need to get on the road to your next show.”

~

When the band returned from their short tour up the coast,you as you found yourself outside Gerard’s apartment door, a wave of nervesrushing over you. You knocked and heard him on the other side before he openedthe door.

“Hey sugar, you’re a sight for sore eyes,” he said pullingyou against him, lips connecting. “You want anything?” he asked politely when you separated,shrugging off your coat.

“No thanks, I’m ok. How were the shows?”

“Awesome! We got some real fans coming out now.” Gerard saidleaning against the kitchen counter and you hopped up on the counter acrossfrom him.

“So I suppose we should have that talk now?” You suggested apprehensively.

“Yea. I was wondering what’s your tragic backstory?“

“My what now?” You asked, slightly taken aback.

“Ya know, you’re a fuckin vampire, isn’t your pastsupposed to be dark and tragic?”

“Listen, I’ve literally only been a vampire for like 40years and that’s because I asked to be one! I kinda fell in with a crowd thatreally knew how to party back when I was… really younger, and I didn’t want theparty to ever end and they gave me the opportunity to do just that. The problemI after about 30 years, I really was ready to grow up, or at least leave thatlife behind, but I was stuck. But at least I’m always gonna look like I’m in my20s. People pay good money for this and I got it for free. Well, free plus thecost of my humanity.”

“You’re the strangest person I’ve ever met.”

“Indeed I am. But you’re the one who asked me out,” yougrinned.

Gerard pushed himself up from the counter and crossed thesmall distance between you and put his hands on your waist. “(YN), you may be avampire, but I fucking love you.”

You gasped lightly then a grin spread across your face. “Eventhough I’m a sixty-seven-year-old monster?”

He leaned in and pressed a kiss to your lips. “You’re not a monster, you’re my monster.”

“And you say I’m the strangest person you’ve ever met. Haveyou ever looked in a mirror?”

“Have you?”

“Low blow, Way. Low blow.”

Gerard cracked up at this.

“Ugh I love you too, you weirdo,” you laughed, and he kissedyou again.

Masterlist

[cdowhy]

 i am going to start out with why I am here..

I was in the psychiatric hospital not too long ago for suicidal thoughts and depression with psychosis. I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder and premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

For those of you who don't know, OCD is a lot more than just needing everything cleaned and organized. It's an exhausting disorder and has many different symptoms.  I have several subtypes of ocd and one of them is called harm ocd. I have gory images in my head of myself and those I love. I will pray to God and then doubt him in the same couple of minutes (its not really me who doubts him but more so the intrusive thoughts in my head.) I can't drive a car as I think I am going to run someone over or drive myself off a bridge.

My head literally never shuts up - ever.

And PMDD is EXTREME PMS.  I am allergic to my own hormones (it's an autoimmune issue) so basically my hormones attack my immune system and this happens around ovulation and period time... on top of having the hormone issue which causes itchy skin headaches allergy and cold symptoms, I have PMDD. with PMDD you often get misdiagnosed as having bipolar because your mood swings are so bad. Extreme irritability, depression, suicidal. With super bad cramps, migraines and painful periods as well.  Both of these disorders start around ovulation so from ovulation to like around day 2 of my period (so about 2 weeks out the month) I am MISERABLE.  physically AND mentally. 

I also got a brain scan done and found out I have something different with my cerebellum which can cause psychiatric disorders and medications aren't likely to help... I've been on&off antidepressants and antipsychotics for a while with no relief. 

Fast forward to this week... I've had about the worst week I've had in a while. My poor kids and husband are usually my target and even though I try to keep my cool I get absolutely NO break. I am a stay-at-home mom right now and I just can't handle having to be around people 24/7... the sounds the fighting the constant needing me for stuff drives me nuts... and this past summer was horrible.. 

Yesterday, August 23rd 2022, I had a plan to kill myself. I really don't see any other way out.. I am pretty useless, and just not OK to be around anybody. No meds help me and I don't see why I am still here. I honestly feel like nothing is going to get better and I hate myself for how I treat people and especially my family but its like I can't stop it.

I had an appointment with my therapist and she understands my frustrations but thinks she will have to end up putting me back in the psych hospital and for a longer visit with the way my thoughts are heading. But we talked and she asked what I wanted for my life- I will say when I was in high school I DID HORRIBLE.  Failed all my classes, I couldn't understand anything. I dropped out and got my GED and barely passed for that. But I wanted to be a journalist. I love love love writing,  journalism, photography.  I did not want kids but ended up being a teen mom. I have 3 kids and their dad and I have been together since I was 16. (27 now)

So since I wanted to get into journalism, she pointed me here.. Tumblr, tiktok, YouTube  etc just to start sharing my story, start writing, photography etc. I agreed I'd give it a shot and see where things go. I guess she thinks I need passion again and I was always passionate about writing. So here I am, starting a blog. Gonna be writing daily just to treat it as my own journal... day one of trying to figure my life out from here... August 24th 2022