#i've experienced complex gender feelings but have expressed those to literally No One. but i write abt them !! i explore them in fiction !!

[angelsdean]

this isn’t really directly related to anything but just something that’s been on my mind for a while which is. that it’s hard sometimes wanting to write abt certain topics or themes that you do have some form of experience with but also you don’t want to have to come out with a list of all ur past experiences and traumas just to be taken seriously or considered valid or “allowed” to write those topics like. this is an issue not just in fandom but in larger literary spaces that has cropped up in recent years with the push for own voices stories, which i def think own-voices stories are Very important and crucial !!!!! but. it’s done something to fiction spaces where people now play this game where they like demand proof that a person is Allowed to write abt certain things. and it forces a lot of writers into a tough position where they either have to out themselves re: sexuality, gender identity, experiences of abuse or trauma just to justify writing those topics, or else their work will be deemed as “not valid” or not real representation or whatever. like just using sexuality as an example but lots of queer stories might be written by seemingly “straight” authors who just are not out yet or are still discovering their own sexuality. i think we can both uplift explicitly stated own-voices stories while also enjoying stories that have been well written / researched but where the authors have not explicitly come out as having directly experienced such topics. i think it becomes really harmful when we become obsessed with policing who can / can’t write certain topics or themes and no one should ever feel like they have to come out abt anything in their lives to justify their creative works 

[justslowdown]

Accidentally peeked into a radfem cesspool of people angry about trans fem people making videos about their transitions, discussing the changes they've experienced on HRT. Wonderful folks who are helping inform about the spectrum of what may happen.

Just really nasty shit being said because these trans women and nb people are "perpetuating harmful stereotypes about women" and "justifying misogyny" when they discuss things like changes in emotional states they personally have experienced.

Sometimes life-saving ones.

"Allergic to testosterone" is what one of these trans creators said, which got me thinking about my own long term experiences with HRT, on the other side of things.

And I realized I've seen transmasc and nb people on this website make the exact same accusatory arguments when people on T are honest about their individual changes.

And I just think there's a BIG space between transmedicalist assholery, and complete denial that hormones do anything besides changing your visible characteristics/voice/etc.

There's a sense on this site (or in my corners? I avoid online trans discourse like the plague though, it's been like, ten years since I came out, I'm tired......)

that if your mental and emotional state is different on testosterone, you're having, what, a psychosomatic response to gendered stereotypes? That you're justifying men's behavior now that you benefit from misogyny. Or that you're newly enabled to express your anger, now that you have a masculine social role, and that's why you're experiencing it differently.

Sure, let's talk about the roles those things may play in our own individual experiences. But while we do that, let's maybe...... not be so vitriolic that people like me are afraid of saying a word about our own lived experience on hormones.

I was on low dose T for years, off it for a couple years due to isolated life circumstances, now back on it (still low dose) for coming up on a year soon. It is at least partially responsible on a physiological level for changes in my mental functioning, and in my experience of anger and activated emotions vs self-contained emotions. I am grateful to feel anger, now, as hard as it's been to learn how to handle.

Pretending otherwise or keeping quiet doesn't help anyone. Talking about it so even one person won't be as caught off guard as I was... might? But I sure as hell won't be saying anything more public than this because of the response I've seen others get. Again: I'm .... tired.

...

People assumed I was a man in that middle chunk of time when I had an estrogen dominant system but had already experienced voice change and facial hair.

My social experience was different from my physiological one.

If all the emotional and mental changes I felt between being on and off testosterone were attributable to social positioning and misogyny...? that middle chunk of time wouldn't have been the outlier in between when I was on T, in terms of ability to feel anger and some other complex emotions I really don't have the vocabulary for.

And in terms of my literal ability, full stop, my ability to just not have thoughts for a moment. When my system is estrogen dominant, I have sleep disruptions because of racing thoughts--when I'm on T, there's a quiet flow place I can sometimes access. It reminds me of that "allergic to testosterone" thing, but in reverse.

My mental state requires this hormone to function how I need. This isn't about gender and hasn't been since my voice changed. I'm just. fucking tired of keeping quiet about that so I don't sound like a transmedicalist. Who are complete dipshits and just flat out wrong, if that wasn't clear. But again can we PLEASE open up that middle ground for discussion......?