#i've had three different breakdowns about the same fucking thing in the last week

[vashtijoy]

On 7/11, there's a morning conversation with Akechi where he compares the rate of shutdowns to the rate of changes of heart. So, about one shutdown a month over the two years, give or take? Doesn't account for the rampage fatalities at all, though, aaand he could've very well been lying or downplaying it, but it still seems relevant to the discussion.

Yess, this one:

Anon, I have stared at this so many times trying to find a way it could be true. Unfortunately, that's not all Akechi says:

Akechi 思えば、怪盗団騒ぎと、精神暴走事件⋯始まった時期も、広まるペースも、よく似てる。 omoeba, kaitou-dan sawagi to, seishin bousou jiken... hajimatta jiki mo, hiromaru peisu mo, yoku niteru Now that I think about it, their actions mirror the mental shutdown cases, with the rate of victims. Now that I think about it, the uproar with the Phantom Thieves, and the psychotic breakdown incidents... the time they started and the rate they spread at are quite similar.

Firstly, Akechi is talking about psychotic breakdowns, not mental shutdowns here—seishin bousou jiken, not haijinka jiken. These are easy to confuse in-universe, but even in-character, Akechi knows the difference; note that he also says "people change suddenly and cause strange accidents or horrible crimes"—not a mental shutdown at all.

Secondly, he's not just talking about the "rate of victims"—he's saying the time the events started, as well as the rate they grew at, are similar.

Now, we know the psychotic breakdown cases didn't start in May—we open in April on the subway accident, but the scary accidents have been going on for a long while—"since last year", someone says at one point. And a psychotic breakdown is the first thing Akechi does for Shido, two years before canon ever begins; Sae tells us the start of the incidents corresponds not with the rise of the Phantom Thieves, but with the death of Wakaba Isshiki—two years earlier.

As for the rate of spread? Well... coming back to that list of incidents in the background, there are eight of them on that list alone. That's as many palaces as the Phantom Thieves ever do. And we're still only in July, so the PTs are batting three for ... quite a few more than eight. Or perhaps we're supposed to count Mementos? But none of the Mementos cases ever make the news, or have a public impact. Mementos, effectively, doesn't seem to affect the wider world.

tl;dr: unless I've missed something really major, Akechi is talking shit here. What's actually happened is that, the previous day on 7/10, our friend the SIU Director. who has several of Akechi's puppet strings in his hand, has had a little talk with Shido:

Note that this guy does say "mental shutdowns"—haijinka no ken. It would be too easy if Akechi echoed him exactly, after all. But that evening, just hours later, Akechi is already on TV putting the new party line:

And the next morning, when he meets the leader of the Phantom Thieves at the train station, and casually mentions that the psychotic breakdowns and the business with the PTs just happened to start around the same time, and spread at the same rate? He's still implementing those orders he was given on 7/10.

(Seriously, pay attention to how often an SIU phone call is followed up by Akechi putting the plan into action. It's not just pancakes, y'know.)

But what is Akechi thinking, when he tells Joker this? Fucked if I know. Is he just fucking with his head, trying to make him feel exposed in the runup to the Medjed plot? Because that's starting in a week.

Is it an actual contradiction in the game? Because it would be the first I've found—usually when people say "this is a contradiction", my conclusion is "this is not a contradiction".

... is he telling him the plan? Because that's not outside his MO—he has that whole thing on 7/24 where he meets up with the PTs and tells them, essentially, "wow, all of you sure fit the profile, and yes, I am investigating you". In-character, Akechi has a tendency to stab people in the front, while keeping the real knives in reserve for when he's not in-character.

This is one of the conversations I come back to over and over, staring at it to see what I missed, or haven't figured out, or haven't read right. Or what's blinding me. Something is going on with that line, and I don't know what it is.

[bigbihatemachine]

TW graphic ED and fatphobia, esp in a medical setting

Siiigh it's like a running joke at this point that I literally can find the worst clinicians in any nhs facility or just have the worst experiences with them but like every now and then I break bc I can't take having a mental breakdown anymore and dip my toe in the MH services and oh boy. Bc I wanted my meds adjusted and psychiatrists LITERALLY DON'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING I ended up talking to a pharmacist and somehow ended up doing a whole ass mental health assessment bc in the three fucking weeks it took them to look at my referral for a specific antidepressants I wanted and call me back, I decided I also wanted therapy and maybe they wouldn't fuck me over this time

Anyways she fights me over the medication I want and asks me about how I'm doing and as always zeroes in on my weight p fucking quickly. She asks about my eating habits rn and no they're p fucking bad rn and I freely admit that. Like it's ED shit 5sure. Also for ED reasons and general sanity, I ask my drs to not fucking read out my weight when they weigh me for my depo appts. I know I'm getting fatter. I'm not blind. Upon hearing me disclose my eating stuff and without thinking, she tells me exactly what weight I am now and exactly how much I've gained over the last few month and stresses how much it is. I tell her I actually ask my drs to not tell me these things bc they set me off really badly.

She asks if I want a referral to the ED dept and I basically get extremely upset and say I don't have faith they're going to be kind about my weight and I've faced a lot of medical mistreatment and abuse and I can't really take it from an ED dept if they're going to be cruel. She asks again if I want a referral bc it's obvious it's a source of a huge amount of issues and distress so might be worth investigating. I reluctantly agree to hear them out, if they're compassionate.

She's also somehow got hold of my MH files from 2016 (so 7 yrs ago) where I was insisting on medication that didn't make me gain weight. It's worth mentioning I got referred bc basically I'm out of medication I can try through normal GPs and I'm antidepressant resistant. Also have disclosed fucking EDs during the phone call and actually talked about that time period during the phone call when I was in a different form of ED so yknow different priorities. She insisted on putting me on meds I tried fucking years ago bc they'd help me lose weight!! Over medication I asked for and actually worked before we start looking at the heavier duty stuff (that a psychiatrist will actually have to get off their ass and see me for). I nearly fucking lost it arguing with her!!

And now it's a week later and I've gotten the letter through.... And it's fucking disgusting. She's absolutely combed through my medical files and just wholescale invented shit?? Saying I have chest pains?? I might have during A&E visits in years past??? Fucking saying I had ptsd??? I mean I almost def do but I've never been dx'ed with it?? And she sure as shit hasn't had the authority to do so?? And it's never been on a single letter before that I have ptsd?? And yeah she fucking won't shut up about how fucking fat I am. Like horrifically fat. Using the clinical name for disgustingly fat. Again, she knows I'll at least hear this and that I have an ED. Like.... What the fuck.

At the end, even my GP who I was speaking to for the first time was like (multiple times).... Are you sure you want this referral to go ahead????

And like....I'm so fucking frustrating bc I got so used to no one taking my EDs seriously bc I'm fat that I'd openly talk about them bc fat ppl can't have EDs then someone called me out on it and it threw me and I appreciated being taken seriously but..... It's in the wrong way and I'm worried the dept will be the same and it'll be trauma on trauma at a time I really need support. It doesn't help she said she'd handle the referral and she fucking hasn't and left it to my GP.

Frustrating!!! Concept: we just offer respectful, non-judgemental, person-centered care

[morningstarships]

shoutout to my antipsychotics making my brain super foggy

[xxwritemeastoryxx]

Can we have a moment of real talk right now? Not one about the fandom. Or even about writing.

Below the cut, I'm gonna get personal about my struggles with depression. If this isnt something you want to read, please feel free to ignore.

These three photos were taken exactly a month apart in between them. The first a month before my sudden mental breakdown, the second one right after and the third, one a month later.

I know these have filters but theres one thing noticeable in all of them that the filters couldnt change. It's my eyes. It's the life within them that you can see changed through them.

Picture 1 was a I feel fucking amazing and me and my niece were having a spa day, just the two of us. I was feeling even better that I was reaching a milestone of 5 years since my last mental breakdown caused by an abusive ex and my freedom from him. I was working on myself in a way that I hadnt done in years and I was making progress.

That was until I found out just how broken my ex made me a month later. A consumer of mine has the same exact name as him. It was the first time I heard that name in a handful of years and to hear it over a PA system had sent me into a full blown panic attack. A week or two later, I almost ran a red light and went into oncoming traffic. It was intentional until my brain stopped at the last second knowing there was a van full of consumers in my care. I spiraled after that and you can see the light fade as that time went on. My exterior shell kept up with things but my eyes told a different story.

5 years went down the drain to relapse and I wanted nothing more to be swallowed whole by something, anything cause I couldnt take it.

I should have been put in a 72 hour hold that afternoon. But I refused it because I didnt want to lose my job. But I got a two hour therapy session that night and was instantly prescribed antidepressants. My mom never let me out of her sight the first few weeks and she constantly checked in with me at work. And if it hadnt been for the support I had, my constant reminder that I had a little niece that looked up to me, I wouldnt be here typing this.

The third one, that was a month on antidepressants, but even then, my eyes didnt shine as bright as the first one. There were still so many things that I was working on. Still so many demons that I was struggling to fight. But I was trying every day to not give into the demons that plagued my mind.

Fast forward to today. I am one week away from being free from my abuser for 6 years. And I am one month away from reaching 1 year since my relapse. I am in no way cured of this and in no do I claim to be. I'm still fighting my demons. But I'm taking it a day at a time.

I know my triggers. I've learned along the way that I'm not a failure. I learned that being on my own is 1000x better than settling for someone who is narcissistic and can put me in danger.

I'm looking forward to seeing that light in my eyes again. It may not be today or even tomorrow. But when that day comes, I know I'll really be okay.

[holidaywishes]

Let’s Catch Up...

I've spent another month on dating apps and the results are... pretty damn similar. I kept going with conversations I had started before the start of June and did a week of solely swiping right to see how many matches I would get. It was a long week, that happened to wind up being the last week of the month (save a few days) but the general outcome was that Tinder and Badoo were the successes. At least in terms of numbers.

Here's the breakdown:

Badoo

For the entirety of the month, I had one date from here - it had been rescheduled once and we had a mix-up of where we were supposed to meet. I gave my number to one guy who I had been talking to at the start of this whole experiment but he's proven to be.. elusive to say the least.

To be honest, I still don’t think this app is for me. Even if I did get a date from here who seemed to be a decent guy. The fact is, dating at my age only garners attention from people at the top of the age range, at least for me (I know that won’t be the same for everyone but it was my experience.) I didn’t really keep a good record after day one, but from what I can gather of all my notes -- yes, I took notes, -- is that I matched with an average of 4.86 guys on Badoo for the whole week. That number would probably be lower if I only averaged the number of conversations I started or the dates I went on.

Bumble

What the hell is going on with the guys on Bumble? I was supposed to have a date yesterday with a guy from the app but he wouldn't communicate with me clearly so I accidentally stood him up and now he hasn't responded to me since I told him I wouldn't ditch my mom to talk to him on the phone for an hour.

I’ve always had a bit of an issue with Bumble. I’m not one for talking first, because I don’t know what the best icebreaker is and no one wants to respond to “hey.” So, like I said, I didn’t really keep track but from what I could tell, my average was 7.36 but I often forget about matches on there and they expire. That number is probably much higher lol.

Hinge

I did have a date from Hinge during this week of swiping right on everyone -- or in Hinge's case, liking everyone -- but it had just been scheduled that way. We had matched even before I started the experiment but the conversations were always a bit weird and I could never tell why. He's a nice guy but he's more a friend than someone I could see myself dating. As for the app, I never got any new matches. No new likes. Nothing...

That being said, the matches on this app were the easiest to keep track of... because there was nothing to track. I only had one date so when I added him into my average, I got a whopping 0.25 matches! It’s a weird app and I don’t think that it’s for me either. I wanted it to work because I think that it has the ability to form genuine connections in people, however, you have to match with people in order for those connections to start and for me, it just doesn’t seem to be happening.

Tinder

So, Tinder was a bit of a surprise to me. It's a numbers game honestly. It's the app that everyone knows or heard about first so everyone and their dog is on it. But, because it's a dating app, you never really know what you're gonna get. I think I have a very specific type, physically, which I like to say is "guys who are way too out of my league" i.e. the tall, handsome, athletic guys I could never ever get. None of the guys I had conversations with on Tinder during the last week was my type. One of the guys I matched with was so my type that I was trying so hard to play it cool but he just never initiated a conversation so he's just like sitting in my list and I'm trying desperately not to give into him.

Tinder had a lot going on during this week-long experiment. The tally was all over the place, averaging 51.63 matches, but that’s not a typical thing for me on these apps. Because of how specific my taste is, I typically unmatch with a lot of the guys who match with me on Tinder and then I’m left with maybe 10 guys with who I might consider continuing a conversation. Out of this average, I’ve only kept having conversations with 2 guys, setting up 1 date for Friday and a possible date with the other in like a week when he gets back from camping. I think I’ve started to sabotage both of them because I just.. don’t know how to do the dating thing.

Unfortunately, I’ll probably keep using Tinder. Even though I hate it. Even though the guys are often creepy. Even though I don’t match with my “type.” Even though it likes to play these games ("vibes,” “hot takes,” “swipe night,” etc.”) The fact is, it has the most options. If the conversation doesn’t work, or the vibe doesn’t work, unmatching is easy but Tinder has the majority of people to match with because it’s such a common app. Most of the time, It’s a blow to my ego but every now and then, someone cute comes along and boosts the ego a bit. If only for a minute.

In conclusion:

It’s like a freakin’ essay up in this bitch. I wish I could’ve written all my essays as Tumblr posts -- they would’ve been far more entertaining -- but I digress.

If anything, this whole thing is an experiment in sexuality and how comfortable I could be in my own body. I wanted it to be about finding someone I had a genuine connection with and who I felt like I could tell my truth to without being judged but in the end, I did feel extremely judged.

But not about sex.

Most guys were curious why I was still a virgin but it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was going to be. There were guys who made me feel like I should feel free to explore my body and my sexuality and they made me feel beautiful; even if it was in the form of innuendos and double entendre's.

No, no. When they found out I had never been in a relationship before, suddenly nothing made sense and they had all these questions and they felt pressured even though I told them that I had no expectations. The more times that I got asked "why have you never been in a relationship?" the more I wanted to delete the apps, curl up in my skin and die.

If I knew why I've never been in a relationship, then I would have been in a relationship by now...

It just felt so humiliating to keep explaining it over and over again and I couldn't believe this is where everyone was going to focus on. That being said, the guys who didn't focus on my relationship status or my virginity, more or less ghosted me and I was doing everything in my power not to double message them. I finally understand why people go after people who treat them like sh*t. Like, yes, I'm getting attention from other people but I'm not getting your attention and it's confusing the hell outta me. Look, if I'm being honest, I know that everyone's experiences are different and everyone is looking for something different on different apps. I am one of these people who have a very specific type and it's hard for me to get past that, even when I do match with perfectly nice guys outside of my preferences. I think there's part of me that knows I'll never end up with a guy who's my "type" so I don't try as hard or I sabotage things too quickly but I think there's another part of me that thinks "fuck it. If I match with this guy and the conversation doesn't go anywhere, then oh well."

So, is it my mindset that's the problem? Are my standards too high? or does my lack of self-esteem come through in conversation?

It's probably all three but I know what kind of a person I am. I know that I care too much, I know that I'm kind, I know that I'm a bubbly person and I know that, in time, I'll find someone who matches my energy and what I want out of this. The bottom line is this: dating apps are fine and they work for some people but dating, in general, is hard.

So... that's my little dating journey. It was a bit of an ego boost and a truly wild ride and I don't really know where to go from here...