#i've rejected or self sabotaged better chances in the past too

[avvocarlo]

I should probably apply to some jobs because I'm technically qualified to work as a service coordinator but I'm just bumming about with my current job

[mbti-notes]

Hi MBTI-notes! I'm a 30F INFJ and have a question for you. I'm at the age where most of my peers are settling down, marrying and some even have children of their own. Yet, as much as I'd like this too, I am unable to work up the courage and take the plunge as emotions grow quite intense for me. Last year, I left a toxic relationship with an INFP (from love letters to abuse, in therapy) and I'm happy being single. But I have in recent months silently grown a crush on a 31M INFP who I know from before and to whom I've confessed my feelings, although I currently prefer to keep it platonic, and he seems to like me and accepts this. Issuing boundaries, however, seem to have reinforced my infatuation of him. Given our career choices, we live and work in different countries and cannot travel leisurely during the pandemic, as well. The point I wish to raise is how do I go about to deciding he is/not for me and in the event where he were for me, how would I lower the walls to let him in? I have never fallen in love, only had crushes as this makes me feel very delicate and tend to tuck these feelings into a dark corner, mainly due to past disappointments and the intensity of my feelings which occasionally get in the way of my job (which is important to me too). Thank you kindly!

This problem indicates that you haven’t learned the most basic concepts of emotional intelligence, please consult the Emotional Well-Being section. The more you deny your feelings and emotions and do not allow them any expression, the more likely they are to escalate and get out of control. Your strategy of “tucking feelings into a dark corner” is counterproductive and leads to two negative results with respect to your personal growth.

1) Poor emotional awareness cycle

intense fear of losing control ->

micromanage and suppress feelings ->

feelings are banished to unconscious mind ->

emotions operate and escalate unconsciously ->

easily lose control of feelings ->

2) Poor emotional intelligence cycle

intense fear of losing control ->

micromanage and suppress feelings ->

feelings have no outlet for healthy expression ->

never learn skillful emotional expression ->

easily lose control of feelings ->

In both cases, your attempts to be in control are self-sabotaging and eventually result in you losing control. You actually create the result you’re trying to prevent because your strategy is very flawed. If you can’t get out of the vicious cycle, you will eventually feel as though life is passing you by, because your fear prevents you from ever fully experiencing and engaging with life.

To live an emotionally healthy life means taking good care of your emotional needs, i.e., being aware of emotional needs and fulfilling them in a timely manner. Everyone needs companionship/love. You have purposely left this emotional need unfulfilled because you haven’t resolved the negative experiences of your past. What happens when an emotional need goes denied and unfulfilled for too long? The healthy and legitimate need becomes a hunger, then a craving, then an obsession, then a compulsion, then a means of self-destruction. By denying your needs, you are slowly creating a monster within.

You ask how to know whether someone is right for you? You can’t know until you try and succeed or fail. Until then, it is merely speculation. Empty speculation means being in limbo, trapped in indecision. There is no new data coming in, which means there is no impetus to make a final judgment. This is not to say that you should jump into every situation whole hog without second thought. My point is that, if you never venture into the water, then you’ll never know whether it’s too cold for you. There are ways to venture into the world incrementally and safely. Your problem is that you’re not even venturing at all.

The more important issue to examine is why you are such a control freak, micromanaging yourself and your feelings to such an extreme degree. How are you ever going to learn to have a healthy and full emotional life when you never allow your feelings and emotions healthy expression? When emotional life remains stunted and confined, your ability to manage it remains at an infantile level -> this is the root cause of your control problems. You fear losing control because the method that you choose for handling feelings and emotions increases your chances of losing control. It’s not about how to “take down walls”; it’s about understanding why you put them up in the first place. 

You externalize the problem by blaming the world for moving too fast or blaming love for being too intense, etc. But the real problem is that you don’t allow yourself the freedom to learn how to handle a faster pace and greater intensity and you don’t allow yourself the compassion to make mistakes and missteps. You don’t believe in yourself, so you stay on the sidelines. By sitting life out, you think you’re “protecting” yourself, but you’re actually harming yourself by rejecting great opportunities for learning and growth. Choosing to shelter yourself from any and every pain means that you never get to experience anything worthwhile. Remember that reaching a better place in life is never a perfectly smooth process. Personal growth almost always involves growing pains. If you’re hoping to live life without having to experience any pain whatsoever, then you won’t be living your life at all.

[fmbishop]

*  I'VE   GOT   MY   VEINS   ALL   TANGLED   CLOSE . 

                       *      ╰         chicago’s   very   own  𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐣𝐚𝐡 𝐛𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐨𝐩  has   been   spotted   on   madison   avenue   driving   a   1960   vintage   jeep   bronco   ,   welcome   !   your   resemblance   to   𝒈𝒓𝒂𝒚𝒔𝒐𝒏   𝒅𝒐𝒍𝒂𝒏   is   unreal   .   according   to   tmz   ,   you   just   had   your   twenty   -   first      birthday   bash   .   your   chance   of   surviving   new   york   is   uncertain   because   you’re            𝒄𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒉   ,   but   being   𝒔𝒕𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒇𝒂𝒔𝒕   might   help   you   .   i   think   being   a   taurus   explains   that   .      3   things   that   would   paint      a      better   picture   of   you   would   be         𝒑𝒆𝒆𝒍𝒆𝒅   𝒔𝒌𝒂𝒕𝒆𝒃𝒐𝒂𝒓𝒅   𝒈𝒓𝒊𝒑   𝒕𝒂𝒑𝒆   ,   𝒅𝒂𝒓𝒌   𝒄𝒊𝒓𝒄𝒍𝒆𝒔   𝒃𝒆𝒏𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉   𝒕𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒅   𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔   ,   &   𝒌𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒔   𝒂𝒏𝒅   𝒑𝒂𝒍𝒎𝒔   𝒓𝒖𝒃𝒃𝒆𝒅   𝒓𝒂𝒘   .            (   i   cut   ties   with   my   best   friend   and   collaborator   because   i   was   secretly   in   love   with   her   ,   but   our   publicist   had   her   date   my   brother   instead   .   )      &   (   cis   male   +   he   /   him   )   +   (   ruby   ,   18+   ,   she   /   her   ,   pst   )


𝒊       .        𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒔       .

𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆   :   elijah   alexander   bishop 𝒏𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒏𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒔   :      eli   ,   e   .   from   his   loved   ones   ,   he   recieves   variations   on   ellie   ,   ugly   ass   mustache   head   ,   tony   hawk   ,   and   zumiez   employee   of   the   month   . 𝒂𝒈𝒆   :      twenny   -   won 𝒛𝒐𝒅𝒊𝒂𝒄   :   taurus 𝒐𝒄𝒄𝒖𝒑𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏   :   professional   skateboarder   and   youngest   x   games   gold   medalist   in   history   ,   brand   ambassador   for   several   skate   fashion   brands   ,   established   youtube   vlogger   ,   and   aspiring   filmmaker   . 𝒈𝒆𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓   𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒕𝒚   /   𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒔   :   cis   male   /   he   him   his 𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏   :   heterosexual   ,   heteroromantic 𝒉𝒆𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕   :   5’11 𝒍𝒂𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒔   :   the   black   sheep   ,   the   despondent   ,   the   fallen   angel   ,   the   isolato   ,   the   intangible   concept   ,   the   dirtbag   ,   the   doryphore 𝒌𝒆𝒚         𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒔      :      -   churlish   ,   emotionally   reserved   ,   hesitant   ,   resentful   ,   self   -   sabotaging +   steadfast   ,   benevolent   ,   chivalrous   ,   reliable   ,   down   to   earth   𝒉𝒐𝒈𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒕𝒔   𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒔𝒆   :      hufflepuff 𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒈   𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒔   :   that’s   on   me   -   mac   miller   /   obstacle   1   -   interpol   /   just   my   luck   -   marc   e   bassy   &   blackbear   /   EARFQUAKE   -   tyler   the   creator /   superfast   jellyfish   -   gorillaz   /   here   comes   a   feeling   -   louis   the   child   /   horseshoes   and   handgrenades   -   green   day  /   boys   don’t   cry   -   the   cure   /   SUGAR   -   brockhampton  /   slow   dancing   in   the   dark   -   joji   /   come   back   to   earth   -   mac   miller   /   swing   ,   swing   -   the   all   american   rejects  

𝒊𝒊       .    𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒓𝒚    .

harold   and   lillian   bishop   welcome   the   heirs   to   the   bishop   throne   on   an   early   may   morning   .   ceo   of   the   multi-billion   dollar   bishop   industries   construction   empire   ,   and   partner   of   the   bishop   &   franklin   international   law   firm   respectively   ,   the   boys   enter   into   the   shadow   of   a   last   name   prepared   to   build   onto   its   own   legacy   .   eli   comes   into   the   light   moments   after   his   brother   ,   a   hand   firmly   grasped   onto   the   ankle   of   his   twin   ,   victorious   to   emerge   into   the   world   first   .   parallel   to   the   biblical   brothers   jacob   and   esau   ,   his   nurse   notes   ,   but   his   parents   pay   no   mind   .   on   the   whim   of   a   meaningless   sequence   ,   the   elder   twin   is   delegated   as   the   champion   of   the   bishop   legacy   ,   to   bear   the   weight   of   their   family   empire   and   its   subsequent   legacy   on   his   shoulders   with   pride   .

elijah   ,   on   the   heel   of   his   brother   ,      isaiah   ,   by   a   mere   fraction   of   a   second   ,   bears   the   weight   of   his   second-coming   due   to   such   a   christening   for   the   rest   of   his   upbringing   .

the   black   sheep   is   perhaps   too   delicate   of   a   phrasing   to   explain   the   conflict   stirring   daily   in   the   bishop   household   ,   a   family   of   perfection   —   and   elijah   ,   the   foil   to   them   all   ,   a   failure   by   definition   ,   perhaps   crafted   simply   to   emphasize   the   feats   of   his   twin   brother   .   he’s   smaller   ,   scrawnier   ,   slower   to   pick   up   school   work   and   requiring   relentless   tutoring   and   support   throughout   his   elementary   school   years   .   sensitive   and   introverted   ,   he   spends   the   first   decade   of   his   life   cowering   behind   isaiah   as   a   shield   ,   receiving   constant   critiques   of   not   enough   ,   not   good   enough   ,   not   close   enough   to   —

he   tries   not   to   focus   on   his   shortcomings   ,   as   plentiful   as   his   parents   may   convince   him   that   there   may   be   .   any   expression   other   than   a   stoic   compliance   is   seen   as   contumacious   ,   swiftly   corrected   with   a   ‘   i   wish   you   would   be   more   like   your   brother   .   ’      eli   withers   into   himself   shortly   after   his   12th   birthday   ,   the   onset   of   puberty   and   a   discovery   for   a   natural   athletic   inclination   giving   him   some   semblance   of   musculature   ,   his   jaw   sharpening   and   gaze   taking   a   similar   harshness   .   his   body   becomes   a   fortress   ,   the   only   protection   he   can   implement   as   his   brother   begins   to   split   from   him   ,   taking   on   more   responsibility   as   the   twins   are   brought   increasingly   into   the   spotlight   of   their   family   name   and   fortune   .

each   moment   harboring   a   critique   only   stokes   resentment   behind   each   clenched   jaw   and   tight   lipped   smile   eli   has   to   fake   .   he   knows   its   all   for   show   ,   his   brother   is   the   only   true   heir   written   into   their   legacy   regardless   of   what   path   he   chooses   to   take   .   bearing   the   weight   of   a   whole   family   tree   of   disappointment   ,   eli   takes   on   odd   hobbies   and   begins   to   compose   bits   and   pieces   of   himself   as   the   him   he   wants   to   be   ,   dismantling   the   illusion   composed   by   expectations   to   mirror   his   infallible   brother   .   by   13   ,   his   secretive   hobby   becomes   an   increasingly   viable   career   in   skateboarding   ,   by   17   ,   he’s   hired   his   own   agent   and   moves   out   on   his   own   to   escape   the   increasing   burdens   of   being   the   bishop   legacy   disappointment   .   his   parents   all   but   excommunicate   him   ,   and   he   spends   spans   of   month-long   silences   between   them   with   only   his   brother   to   bridge   such   gaps   .   eli   is   gnarled   and   hidden   away   from   the   glitz   and   glamour   he   had   grown   so   comfortable   with   ,   navigating   his   shattered   self-image   and   desire   to   amount   to   something   entirely   on   his   own —   but   at   the   very   least   ,   he’s   free   .

it’s   a   tabloid’s   dream   ,   the   black   sheep   of   the   bishop   family   ,   reuniting   with   his   herd   for   their   move   to   new   york   .   eli   is   resentful   and   bitter   at   the   idea   of   uprooting   himself   ,   but   it’s   his   brother’s   impassioned   pleas   of   a   reunion   that   soften   eli’s   resolve   and   cause   the   young   skateboarding   sensation   to   follow   the   rest   of   his   distant   family   to   new   york   .   his   brother   assures   him   with   honeyed   promises   of   a   family   reunited   ,   a   change   of   heart   of   their   parents’      callousness   ,   a   desire   to   see   the   bishops   as   one   .     their   father’s   upcoming   retirement   and   a   supposed   reflection   on   the   cruelty   imposed   on   his   brother   are   all   cited   as   reasons   why   eli   should   just   come   with   them   .      and   eli   ,   hardened   and   bitter   to   all   but   the   implorations   of   his   brother   (   and   perhaps   a   gnawing   desire   for   some   sort   of   familial   validation   after   a   lifetime   of   being   dubbed   the   disappointment   ,   )   begrudgingly   follows   through   .

their   parents   do   not   .

it   awakens   a   particular   emotion   within   eli   to   see   his   parents   for   the   first   time   in   nearly   2   years   and   be   received   with   the   same   coldness   he   had   been   seen   off   with   at   their   last   meeting   .   backhanded   compliments   follow   fronthanded   insults   and   it   ends   with   eli   and   his   father   in   a   screaming   match   ,   fingers   jabbed   dangerously   into   chests   and   tempers   on   full   blare   .   the   betrayal   comes   not   from   a   set   of   parents   who   didn’t   want   him   —   eli   knew   it   was   entirely   too   good   to   be   true   to   be   taken   as   the   prodigal   son   .   the   betrayal   ,   he   laments   ,   is   in   the   falsities   told   by   his   brother   ,   the   one   person   who   had   spent   so   long   protecting   him   and   had   now   allowed   him   to   walk   without   guard   into   the   lion’s   den   .   eli   knows   his   brother   had   nothing   but   the   best   of   intentions   and   keeps   him   as   the   sole   bishop   contact   :   this   is   the   last   he   talks   to   his   parents   after   years   of   torment   .

they   stay   in   new   york   together   and   fill   their   time   with   work   and   the   occasional   youtube   video   at   the   behest   of   their   management   ,   random   vlogs   that   surprisingly   take   off   .   the   bishop   twins   become   something   of   an   internet   sensation   —   isaiah   a   charming   and   composed   law   student �� ,   eli   a   brooding   and   unkempt   skater   boy   ,   with   a   dynamic   that   viewers   are   quick   to   fall   in   love   with   .   they   turn   out   content   on   a   regular   basis   ,   building   a   fanbase   through   their   vlogs   that   begs   for   collaborations   and   ‘   linking   up   .   ‘   they   go   through   the   motions   of   collabs   until   one   particular   set   of   youtubers   have   a   chemistry   with   the   twins   that   their   fans   eat   up   .   quickly   hired   to   the   same   management   team   ,   the   bishops   create   a   mini   vlog   squad   with   their   friends   ,   a   dynamic   that   finds   eli   more   emotionally   invested   than   he’d   care   to   admit   .   but   forever   the   self   -   saboteur   ,   he   keeps   himself   from   admitting   these   feelings   to   their   collaborator   ,   repressing   them   until   an   email   from   their   publicist   reveals   plans   to   have   her   date   isaiah   for   the   sake   of   views   .

eli   ,   despite   having   kept   his   feelings   from   practically   everyone   in   his   life   ,   takes   the   move   personally   and   cuts   off   all   work   with   their   collaborator   ,   the   ensuing   drama   being   enough   to   keep   his   publicist   happy   despite   whatever   happens   between   her   and   his   brother   .   their   group   goes   back   to   being   a   duo   ,   a   secret   for   eli   to   keep   perhaps   to   his   grave   ,   and   he   pushes   to   forge   on   with   creating   a   name   for   himself   out   of   the   shadow   of   his   family   .

(   um   for   context   slash   anyone   who   knew   version   one   of   eli   we’re   gonna   say   he   got   sick   of   the   celeb   world   and   went   backpacking   through   southern   asia   w   no   phone   n   no   outside   contacts   ,   just   recently   returned   to   ny   after   the   past   2   months   of   isolation   !   )

𝒊𝒊𝒊       .       𝒅𝒊𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏

i’m   so   excited   to   bring   eli   back   .   …      i   love   wealthy   sm   lemme   give   y’all   a   few   bullets   for   the   rundown   of   the   uglie   mean   sk8r   boi   that   u   should   all   say   ‘   see   u   l8r   boi   ‘

as   the   bio   implies   ,   he   had   a   really   tough   upbringing   in   the   shadow   of   his   perfect   brother   .   a   lot   of   his   parents’   cruelty   resulted   in   the   personality   he   has   now   .

eli   is   most   known   for   his   resentment   of   wealth   and   fame   .   in   the   celeb   world   ,   he’s   always   known   as   the   one   who’s   just   a   normal   guy   .   super   down   to   earth   and   constantly   critiquing   ppl   who   let   the   fame   get   to   their   head

in   a   way   ,   he   gets   this   weird   sense   of   superiority   that’s   super   hypocritical   ?   like   he   thinks   he’s   better   than   the   rich   ppl   bc   he   doesn’t   act   boujie   ..   .   .   .   but   ?   he’s   rich   too   ?   just   bc   ur   chinos   r   ripped   doesnt   make   u   better   than   anyone   else   u   dumb   bitch

super   ,   and   i   cannot   emphasize   this   enough   ,   SUPER   emotionally   constipated   .   he   acts   like   he’s   above   it   all   to   serve   as   his   defense   mechanism   bc   on   the   real   he’s   terrified   of   being   rejected   by   people   the   way   his   own   parents   rejected   him   .   his   solution   ?   if   u   act   like   u   don’t   give   a   shit   ,   nobody   can   hurt   u   .

if   he’s   not   angry   ranting   ,   he’s   honestly   p   stoic   .   nobody   knows   what   he’s   thinkin   or   feelin   which   is   how   he   likes   it   .   it   gets   real   annoying   when   he   keeps   playing   the   cool   disconnected   guy   n   ur   like   ‘   what   do   u   want   for   lunch   ‘   n   he’s   like   ‘   i   dont   give   a   fuck   ‘   n   ur   like   ‘   we   know   dumbass   edgelord   we   still   gotta   EAT   tho   ‘

on   that   ranting   note   ,   he’s   usually   pretty   reserved   and   calm   during   things   like   interviews   or   talking   to   fans   .   when   he’s   in   touchier   situations   ,   his   defense   mechanism   is   to   switch   to   his   hairpin   trigger   hostility   .

ig   he   feels   like   he   has   something   to   prove   by   being   the   tough   guy   so   he   just   ?   gets   mad   super   easily   instead   of   processing   his   feelings   like   a   normal   person   ?   he   detaches   himself   from   his   emotions   bc   he   has   a   really   fucked   sense   of   self   -   worth   and   has   an   eternal   belief   he’s   not   worthy   of   happiness   so   he’ll   sabotage   himself   to   no   end

shockingly   sensitive   and   will   hold   onto   his   pain   as   if   to   fuel   him   .   he   takes   disloyalty   personally   and   will   often   hold   onto   abandonment   or   slights   that   happened   years   ago   because   they   genuinely   affected   him   ,   even   if   he   didn’t   show   so   at   the   time   .

in   terms   of   the   celeb   life   :   he’s   p   low   key   .   isn’t   much   of   a   partier   bc   he   has   social   anxiety   sdfsd   but   he’s   comfy   sipping   a   beer   on   the   patio   as   long   as   everyone   else   stays   inside   lmao   .   he’s   cool   w   hookups   but   isn’t   actively   sleeping   around   ?   like   he   could   prob   live   like   a   fuckboy   but   rlly   surprises   u   when   he   doesn’t   do   the   fuckboy   thing   ..   …   .   it’s   the   sensitive   boy   in   him   or   somethin   idk..   .   ..   mayb   he   just   can’t   care   enough   ..   ..      it’s   the   apathy   …   .

when   he’s   not   seeing   red   ,   he’s   rational   man   meant   to   BUST   everyone’s   stupidity   .   usually   the   only   mfer   w   common   sense   in   the   squad   to   plan   ahead   n   shit   but   if   someone   pushes   his   homies   ?   eli   comes   out   SWINGING   n   then   avoids   all   the   tabloids   about   him   sloppy   fighting   in   the   club   like   he’s   mariah   carey   n   can’t   read   or   somethin

cannot   flirt   for   the   life   of   him   ,   says   dumb   shit   like   ‘   u   smell   nice   ‘   and   hopes   his   muscles   do   all   the   talking   lmao   fuckin   BEEFCAKE

on   the   real   ,   when   he’s   calm   n   collected   he   can   be   surprisingly   sweet   and   this   is   when   the   down   to   earth   comes   in   .   doesn’t   get   attached   to   many   but   to   the   few   he   does   ,   he   defends   to   the   end   and   is   the   type   to   sacrifice   whatever   it   is   to   protect   them   .   this   mans   LOVES   his   friends   and   ppl   are   surprised   to   see   how   kind   he   can   b   bc   he’s   usually   masking   his   kindness   with   his   brutishness   lmao   .      

he’s   also   ?   surprisingly   funny   ?   we’ll   see   abt   that   tho   bc   most   of   his   shit   is   deadpan

most   of   the   time   :   just   fuckin   .   mean   as   hell   sdfsdf

anarchist   mfer   !   he   said   FUCK   the   system   ,   it’s   a   big   skate   energy   and   he   tries   to   be   as   creative   and   undefined   as   possible   .   follows   random   whims   as   he   learns   to   be   less   self   conscious   bc   now   he’s   his   own   brand   and   doesn’t   have   to   always   think   about   ‘   whats   best   for   the   family   ’   and   all   that   bs   !   he’s   rlly   passionate   abt   skate   culture   and   originality   and   is   a   really   big   outspoken   feminist  /  social   activist    bc   what’s   more   punk   than   dismantling   the   patriarchy  and  other  oppressive  power   structures  ?

on   that   note   .   lowkey   .   a   simp   KWHRJWE   he   acts   hard   and   won’t   let   any   man   come   after   him   but   he’s   afraid   2   be   mean   to   girls   n   lets   most   of   his   female   friends   bully   him   while   he   does   the   office   stare   in2   the   camera   .

i   always   stick   random   blurbs   downhere   but   the   mans   is   vegan   ,   cares   more   about   his   car   than   anything   ,   spends   most   of   his   time   in   his   ratty   skate   clothes   that   barely   get   washed   bc   they   ‘   hold   the   energy   better   ’   (   nastie   )   ,   if   it   aint   sk8   shoes   its   socks   w   sandals   n   he   doesn’t   get   whats   wrong   w   that   ,   he’s   a   hufflepuff   n   a   ISTJ-T   myers   briggs  (  The  Logistician  )   ,   n   tbh   he   really   just   appreciates   the   little   things   in   life   ?   thats   eli   my   lil   meat   head   .

[oohae]

She was every bit of suicide, in every existing sense of the word, that hurt in the most excruciating way. It wasn't expected to hurt this badly. Perhaps a sting every once in a while that would pass as another eye candy or two would brush past her slim figure. But it burned as the stem stretched, branching farther into her vessels and piercing through the flesh that yearned of the slightest bit of reciprocation. For years, she had thought that this immeasurable pain was just a figment of imagination. A desperate attempt to label an exaggerated act of self-sabotage. A lie adults would whisper to their children to scare them from committing a mistake. A product of placing hurt beside regret when you adore someone a little to much. But it weighed heavier than all of those combined. This suicide was selling her soul to the highest bidder only to be left ignored, calls unreturned, cheque blank, and with no explanation offered for declination. This was suicide by placing too much trust and expectation on another warm body, gambling high stakes and leaving the casino bare of cash and coins; a heist conducted by the most ignorant and dense of people. It was a mistake with no chance for reparations. Just desperate wails growing louder and louder by the minute, pleading a case that would time and time again be rejected. And it hurt in latitudes that constricted oxygen from entering her throat. It hurt so bad that her limbs ached from the betrayal of her own body still waiting to be cradled by unfazed arms even when it knew it would never happen. It hurt to realize that promises are just words shy of any bearing; a profession of comical intent, like numbers without any value. She struggled to laugh. Even Wall Street would never dare to be this crass and cruel despite their apathy towards the poor. Hell, the economy could crumble, but they would never fail to return to a love that was patiently waiting at home. Those men were all sorts of evil but they all turned to a woman whose warmth made their knees weak and faith strengthened. And she had wished it could be the same fate for her. Yet all those nights spent pondering if he would ever be able to learn how to love and be loved in return had all just accumulated into this. The feeling of every bit of suicide masked in another attempt to salvage what was never there at all, to hurl back a man who bowed to no one, to still spend what was remaining of her soul in servitude to a deity who would have never turned its warmer cheek to her direction. Love was a disease and she prayed hard that she could have known sooner. Because the real struggle in this suicide was realizing you could never turn back the way you once were. "It shouldn't hurt this badly," she thought, as the three out of the last five baby's breaths fell to her marble floor. Not when she never meant to fall in this deep. Not when she thought she could never trust a deceit she saw miles from where she was standing. Not when she promised her mother she would never make the same mistake of bearing her heart to a despicable man. And not when all she had ever wanted is to finally return a love she had held out from others, only to pour out to him and regret it, coughing out the last stem that slid from her lungs, tear-strained and still wishing he had been here to tell her he loved her even if he didn't mean it.

— this is the chapter where i finally decide to put myself back together and turn away from you. it has been months of treading back and forth, wishing each day would be better and favorable for us, but to no avail. maybe i'll harbor the hell i could never unleash on you. maybe i'll let it escape and just learn from it all again. i never thought i would ever come stumbling to unrequited's doorsteps, but i'm now closing the door and throwing in the towel. i've loved you far too much than i initially ought to. you're no longer welcome in places i've made my home. ah, god. it feels so good to come to terms with the self regarding this matter. who the fuck knew i'd have the strength to do so after months of literally crawling to spaces i don't belong? i feel like i can breathe again.