mbti-notes

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: hi. I'm infp f26. I have self-image issues due to bad experiences. I'm very concerned about my (lack of) beauty and secretly care so much about what people think of me, whether they see me as ugly, inferior, or awkward. I fear people's judgment, outside and inside their heads. recently, I read something like this: "advice for unconfident people?" "I think you think too much about yourself" I thought about it, and I think it might be the reason for my self-obsession. I always look at new experiences/people through my own lens "will it hurt me emotionally?" "will it make me look bad?"

I imagine not thinking with my lens, and a feeling arose, an unaffected/not resentful feeling when I remember the words from ppl who insulted me unfairly & a feeling of wanting to understand other people. It's still a fuzzy feeling though. I guess my question is, am I on the right track? I read that fi self-focused, and it's difficult to be positive about the world when you think of yourself as negative, or difficult to care about others when you're still struggling emotionally. so, can I genuinely care about other people/things even if I'm struggling with intense shame and fears? thank you

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The topic of physical appearance has been discussed before, be sure to read previous posts.

Regarding Shame

First and foremost, if this problem is serious enough to hold you back from living the life you hope to live, I would suggest you get professional therapy for it. From what I've seen, toxic shame is usually a very complicated issue that requires outside help to unpack, especially if it is also intertwined with other deep-seated issues such as: low self-esteem, (social) anxiety, or depression.

You are on the right track in implicating "self-focus", as it is related to a key developmental concern for INFPs: lack of objectivity. When the problem is that you aren't able to see yourself realistically because your subjective "lens" is too distorted, then you need an objective pair of eyes from the outside to help "correct your sight".

When your eyes don't see well, your quality of life would be greatly improved by getting fitted for a good pair of glasses, right? Would you just suffer with the headache of blurry vision forever? I hope not. I hope you would reach out to get the help you need.

Why automatically assume that people's judgments about you are always or only negative? If you suffer from toxic shame, it is because those judgments are actually rooted in how YOU judge yourself. When you look down upon yourself, it's easy to imagine that others do so as well. It's a form of projection.

Of course, toxic shame doesn't come out of nowhere. Like you said, you've had bad past experiences that "taught" you to judge yourself harshly. A therapist could help you understand and "reprogram" those faulty thought patterns. Also, Ne development could help you remember to consider the positive possibilities as well, which would make your perspective much more balanced.

Regarding Judgment

Do you judge people by their looks? If you say 'no', you're being dishonest. The truth is all humans do it. However, just because things are a certain way, doesn't mean there's nothing you can do about it. While human beings can't change the brain they have, they can absolutely change how they choose to use it. To accomplish this requires you to have a better understanding of how your mind works. Improving your self-awareness is the first step.

The human brain is made to judge, even prejudge, because rapid judgment is necessary for survival. For a large part of our evolution, we were constantly being bombarded by threats to our survival. Without being able to assess situations very quickly, humans would've had a very hard time escaping from predators, toxic environments, or other imminent dangers.

As mortal beings made of fragile flesh, a significant portion of our mental activity is to this day still devoted to monitoring threats and ensuring survival. This mental activity is always running in the background, beyond conscious awareness in the "early" brain, even when you're asleep.

However, don't forget that humans also evolved the "later" brain, through which we learned to reflect, reason, deliberate, and make conscious and carefully considered judgments and decisions. It is because of this part of your brain that you are capable of changing your mind and correcting yourself whenever necessary. Have you ever noticed that the more you like someone, the more physically attractive they seem to you over time? Your eyes didn't change, but your mind did, once it had more opportunity to perceive reality accurately.

Since the later brain is a much more recent part of our evolution, one could argue, based on the evidence, that human beings still have a lot to learn about how to put it to good use. I believe that the basic desire to improve oneself and one's life is motivated by the need to develop the potential of the later brain. There are several skills that would help you develop this part of your brain, including: mindfulness, critical thinking skills, and big picture thinking. Crucially, these three skills help you spot and correct the unsound judgments of the early brain.

When you meet a new person, your early brain works very quickly to size them up. In order to make quick judgments, your early brain has no choice but to rely on easily accessible information such as physical appearance. Physical appearance can provide many clues about what kind of person someone is because there are indeed underlying patterns in how people move, dress, and present themselves to the world. However, it's important to remember that these clues are preliminary, superficial, crude, and sometimes misleading.

For example, let's say you see someone walking down the street looking dour and wearing black. Do you automatically assume they are INTJ (according to the stereotype)? But what if they're just coming back from a funeral? By relying on quick prejudgments, there is a high probability of being wrong. This is the biggest drawback to how your early brain works; it'll provide you with wrong information because, in many cases, it's actually too early to formulate a sound judgment. You haven't collected enough information to see the bigger picture.

In a new situation, your early brain works very quickly to provide you with a lot of information, but generally low-quality information that hasn't been properly vetted, usually through memories, emotions, and intuitions. This is why we get so-called "vibes" from people or we sense something about their "aura", etc. The key point to remember is that all of this information coming in is fast and fleeting. Much like clouds moving around in the sky, your mind is always being populated with random thoughts about all manner of things. The question is: What do you choose to do with all that information?

If your later brain doesn't work well enough, you will just take that information at face value, and you'll completely buy into your prejudgments without a second thought. This is related to dominant Fi insofar as INFPs are very inclined to believe in their feeling-judgments and treat them as truth or 100% representative of reality without enough empirical facts to back it up (Fi over Te), which is how their "lens" becomes too subjective and distorted/biased.

But if your later brain works well enough and you are able to step back and think critically, it means you can properly discern which parts of the mental chatter to elevate, and then ignore the rest. For instance, when you're walking down the street, you may have a million fleeting thoughts about the people you pass by. Do any of those thoughts truly matter? Nope, because there were no threats or any points of interest to your existence. The thoughts were there one second and gone the next, as they should be.

Regarding Perspective

Applying this to your problem for example, if one of those strangers passing by looked at you funny for a second, perhaps you'd get all upset about it. You'd imagine that they're judging you for this or that. Essentially, you'd treat it as a "threat" to your survival, with all the accompanying negative emotions of fear, anxiety, or panic. Why?

Humans are social creatures. We succeeded as a species through learning how to cooperate within a tribe/clan. Social rejection was indeed a threat to survival if it meant that you were going to be left to fend for yourself in the wild. Thus, the human mind, being a social mind, is hardwired to fear rejection to some extent.

However, in modern city life, being ostracized is much less of a threat. Losing a few relationships here and there throughout life is normal and really no big deal when there are so many people with whom you could form new and better relationships. Healthy Ne would tell you that.

What you're doing is taking your early brain thoughts/feelings and amplifying them, assigning them meaning when they are actually quite meaningless. So what if that person was actually judging your appearance? You judged them as well. Yet nobody died. Someone doesn't like you? Oh well. You're not going to die. Big picture thinking helps you put things in better perspective when you're too caught up in the meaningless or trivial aspects of life.

At the end of the day, fleeting thoughts have no tangible effect in the real world. The point that introverts often miss: Your inner world isn't real until it directly and tangibly changes something in the outer world. Not understanding this constitutes Te blindness in INFPs.

Thus, you have a choice to make about which aspects of your inner world to make real. Are you going to amplify the fleeting, random, and meaningless thoughts/feelings of your early brain? Or are you going to use your much more reasonable later brain and only amplify the important and meaningful thoughts/feelings?

Whatever it is you think/feel doesn't have to mean anything unless you want it to and will it to. Use your willing power wisely. If you hope to be the kind of person that makes the world a better place, start by examining the kinds of beliefs and values you buy into and propagate. Do you want to be a superficial person living in a superficial society that only cares about physical appearances? If not, then be the one to change it by being something better.

Another point you might be missing: Do people not have a right to their own private thoughts, feelings, and opinions, even when you find them disagreeable or objectionable? Would you like someone to police your mind all the time? Why can't you simply let people have what rightfully belongs to them? It's almost like you can't feel comfortable or secure until everyone thinks the way you want them to. That ain't ever gonna happen.

You have to learn to coexist in a world with other people, and the best way to do that is to live and let live. By having the grace to let you be you and them be them, you not only draw a healthy psychological boundary between yourself and others, you'll finally feel the freedom to be authentically yourself, warts and all. This is what it means to have healthy Fi.

In short, stop letting imaginary mental chatter run your life, yours or other people's. It looks like, through exercising a bit of Ne imagination, you've already caught a glimpse of what that can look like, of being able to escape the prison of subjectivity and step into the objective. You have the power to only care about the things that truly matter in life. In order to accomplish this, you have to learn how to express your better self through the intellectual skills of your later brain. That moment you finally realize that not every thought and feeling is worthy of attention... you'll laugh and wonder why you took yourself so seriously in the first place.

[mbti-notes]

Hello! This question is going to be very quick and hopefully wont take up much of your time. In one of your blogs (specifically, under the section of possible confusion when it comes to typing) you said that an ESFP could easily come to the wrong conclusion that Se + Fi = Fe and an INTJ could wrongfully conclude that Ni + Te = Ti (in both cases when it comes to their own typing). How common is the self-mistype of Fe + Ni = Ne in young ENFJs? Also what would be the most-likely cause of such mistaken conclusion (assuming that said young ENFJ understands the fucntions and has done their research on them and therefore incomplete understanding of mbti is not the cause) ?

Common enough. Generally speaking:

"Young" in age means functions haven't had enough opportunity for substantial development.

The less developed the functions (especially the auxiliary function), the less self-aware a person is.

Low self-awareness tends to result in a distorted self-image.

Distorted self-image means you don't know yourself very well, and what you think you know is actually superficial or inaccurate.

The more distorted the self-image, the less authentic a person's personality expression tends to be.

[mbti-notes]

Hey there! I’m trying to understand better a certain concept of mbti in order to be able to type myself and others more accurately. It is being said that both maturity and life experiences can shape each person’s use of their own functions. Negative experiences and environments that don’t particularly favor a person’s dominant and/or auxilary functions can lead to attempts to rely on lower functions. Also, maturity can play a role as to whether a function is used in a healthy manner.

My question is what are some usual signs that someone is relying on functions that are not naturally high in the stack and thus there is some overall “dysfunction”, distress etc. How to tell that case apart from simply functions that are used in unhealthy ways but are still high in the stack? I know it’s different for each person individually but there should be some objective signs or tendencies that pin-point these cases more accurately. To be more specific, I really struggle to tell apart Fe looping and unhealthy/immature (dominant) Fe. Is there any solid way to differentiate them?

I can't answer this question because it's not how I do things. As explained in the study guides, my method of type assessment synthesizes information about all of the functions and how they work together as an entire stack. E.g. Dominant Fe would have a very different relationship to the other functions than tertiary Fe. Relying too much on behavioral/stereotypical signs of individual functions and not understanding that each position of the stack has a special cognitive role to play as part of a greater whole (i.e. type dynamics) is how people end up getting stuck in the confusion you describe.

[mbti-notes]

Cogntive function wise, between INFJ vs INFP, who would be more naive? You used to repost a fun ask about most to least gullible, & INFP ranked 1st while INFJ ranked nearly last. Seeing INTJ ranked higher in naivety compared to INFJ is already 1 thing. But I thought theres always a certain naivety in NFs? Or do FiNe in INFP allow them to accept & believe in possibilities a lot more easily than the NiFe in INFJ? But wouldnt inf Se make INFJ just as naive?

Joke posts are joke posts. And reposting doesn't necessarily mean I agree with the author. I don't agree in this case because, realistically, I don't think this is something that can be ranked by type.

Generally speaking, there are a lot of factors that can contribute to naivete. I would say "wisdom" that comes from life experience is probably the biggest factor, which is separate from personality type. E.g. Comparing a 15-year-old INFP and a 45-year-old INFJ is going to be very different than comparing a 15-year-old INFJ and a 45-year-old INFP.

As for "believing in possibility", there is indeed a difference between Ni and Ne that might influence naivete to some extent. Ni envisions what "will" be, i.e., wants to know which (future) reality is certain to come into being. By contrast, Ne envisions what "could" be, i.e., wants to change (current) reality into a potentiality or a state that doesn't yet exist. From this perspective, one could argue that Ni is better situated to perceive reality accurately than Ne.

This would of course be modified by how optimally a particular individual is able to use their functional stack. E.g. INFJs with well-oiled Ni+Ti are notoriously great at seeing through people. INFPs are great at visualizing potential through Ne, but not so good at seeing people's darker elements when Te is often overlooked.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hey mbti-notes. ISFP here. Love your blog! It's been super helpful for my own personal self-growth and understanding of others. Really appreciate all the live and care you put into this!

I have been struggling with a dilemma for quite some time now and was hoping you could give me some insight on the matter. I feel stuck, like I can't move forward. I'm 34 and have finally come to the realization that my mother has a cluster B personality disorder; likely narcassim. My sister was the golden child and I the scapegoat. We both had health issues growing up, but my sister got all my mother's attention. I think when my mother saw me she felt like a failure. My issues didn't really manifest until adolescence, and it wasn't something that could just be ignored, since it was physical in nature. She put the weight of the problem entirely on me. Though I had no way of knowing how to go about it. (I think she was fed up simply from my sister's issues. Both her daughter's sick?) This hurt and frustrated me up until about a year ago when I finally realized my well being was worth my resources. (Every morning until then was my personal living nightmare.) So here's my dilemma:

I've worked so hard to get to this point where I have accepted my mother's lack of care. And have realized my worth. I'm finally taking onus of my personal well-being and feeling in control. I don't necessarily view my mother as a bad person since I'm aware of epigenetics and brain traumas (though the way she treats others and myself is definitely a problem). It's hard but I'm learning to be more objective about her. She's hurting... But hasn't gotten help.

Recently, she has reached out, and reminded me of the time where she said once I figured out the issue and had it under control, she would pay for the treatment that would remove scarring. She proceeded to tell me that she knew me, and that I never ask for anything, so she wanted to remind me of her offer. (The only reason I never asked for anything was because I learned not to. I didn't matter in that family, so why would I ask for things?)

I don't know where to go from here.

On one hand I get the treatment I desire and can't afford right now, but will be reliant on her.

On the other, I get no treatment for now, but will at least still have autonomy.

I don't understand my mother's motive. I do believe people can change with the right help. I want to forgive and move on, since I know this is the way to healing, even from trauma. But to forgive, do I have to take her up on this offer? If I don't take this offer, am I holding onto resentment, or am I defining a boundary?

I've worked so hard to get over the feelings of not being able to rely on her as a parent. She can't start now, right? (Even at the time of the offer, when I first heard it as a teen, made me feel unsettled. Like she was throwing her hands up as a parent, but not admitting to it. It felt incongruent. It was weird.) If she wants a relationship, surely it will have to be different. Am I being self-destructive and overly self-righteous?

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When you've been consistently working on yourself in a forward-looking way, suddenly being forced to pause and look backwards again can feel daunting because of the threat of regression. It's understandable that you don't want to fall back into old patterns or turn back into that neglected child you were at the time.

However, we mustn't forget that you are now grown up, independent, and know how to set healthier boundaries. Maturity-wise, you are in a much better position now than you were before to handle the challenges of this parent-child relationship. Right...?

The question is: Can you be said to have made genuine progress if you can't face up to your past? Yes, it's hard to know how to proceed in this matter when you don't know her true motives. But why are you questioning her motives in the first place? It seems like trust is a big issue. But I don't only mean distrust of her, I'm also referring to whether or not you trust yourself.

Kids who grow up feeling like they can't trust their parents are prone to suffering from loneliness, insecure attachment, depression, and self-worth issues. After all, it's hard to feel like you matter when your own parents treat you as though you don't matter. And then it becomes your challenge in life to finally understand that you matter.

While it might feel like your childhood was a "disadvantage", I believe that everyone must go through the journey of learning their true worth as part of their process of self-actualization. And perhaps it's a journey with no real end. It's a lesson you have to keep revisiting and reinforcing throughout life. In order to learn the lesson deeply and thoroughly, so that it really sticks, you must be brave to meet and overcome every challenge to your self-worth. Otherwise, you might just be lying to yourself.

Whether or not your mom has an ulterior motive is not the key concern. You can never be absolutely certain about what's in someone else's heart. Are her motives altruistic, compensatory, manipulative...? Who knows? Do you want to miss out on an important opportunity simply because of speculation, because of the mere possibility that she's not being 100% altruistic? Who in this world is 100% altruistic? By inquiring down this road, you're missing the main point, and perhaps engaging in a bit of self-sabotage.

The main point is you have to trust that you can handle your mom no matter what motives she happens to have - this is what it means to be a real grown up with self-confidence. To put things in perspective, based on what you've described, the worst case scenario is not so severe that you have to be worried about things like getting beaten or murdered, right? The worst case scenario is you get a bit dramatic with a mom you have deep-seated resentment about. That's not even close to the end of the world, is it? It may feel like the end of the world to a powerless and vulnerable child, but that's not what you are anymore.

Sure, your mom isn't perfect and she may or may not be capable of change, but you don't have to be perfect to do something that actually helps a fellow human being, do you? Even despicable people have their shining moments. So what if there might be some strings attached to the offer? Do you not have the power to take control of the strings or cut them loose at any time? You don't have to be her puppet if you don't want to.

Yes, feelings like resentment, shame, and guilt are very powerful forces that keep parents and children enmeshed. But do you believe that these forces are so powerful that you must always run from them or that there is no possibility of overcoming them? They are just feelings, after all. Perhaps you need to give yourself more credit, as part of revisiting and reinforcing the lesson of knowing your own worth. If you have lingering resentment or feel easily shamed/guilted, isn't it better to face up to it and resolve it than to pretend the problem doesn't exist? Carrying around resentment for the rest of your life doesn't sound very appealing.

It's not my place to tell people what to decide. I only want to make sure you have enough perspective on the situation. Are you looking at this situation from the eyes of the weak and sad child you were back then, or from the eyes of the independent, objective, and mature person you are today at 34? Yes, that child will always be a part of you, but it need not be the one in charge. Make the decision that, in the long run, will be best for your well-being. Use Ni to visualize the possibilities as fully as you can, rather than allow Ni to be misled by old, outdated feelings. Which would you come to regret more, saying 'yes' or saying 'no' to this opportunity?

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi!! I’m trying to type my cousin (female, 30yo) since I believe it’ll help to type myself. I wonder if she’s an INTP, ENTP or high Fe user (if so, I don’t know which one she could be).

What makes me confused is about high Ti function vs empathy/Fe traits. The Fe thing: she’s very energetic and talkative, she’s always “the fun of the party”, she always has a good joke, a lot of charisma, and everybody falls in love for her when she’s around. She’s very concerned with social status and with how she appears to others, she manages social situations in order to always be in a good social position, which doesn’t mean being the center o attention, actually she’s able to make everyone feel good (I never met someone so skilled in this as her, not even her sister, an ESFJ that the family quite dislikes by being “too much” emotional and butterfly like). She’s quick minded to notice when the social atmosphere changes, and adapts quickly, naturally and gracefully. She feels a lot pressured to fit in the “social standard” of the moment, and even her romantic relationships followed this, her therapist pointed how every romantic partner she had were media influencers.

She’s also very conflict avoidant and acts for the common good, always putting herself at lead in situations where people are being harmed by speaking up, giving advice, donating food to acquaintances etc., she’s also very naïve and somewhat sheepish, always seeking for validation from trusted ones and being easily influenced (if we say blue is the best, she will automatically change her mind and believe so, or pretend she does just because social situation is pressuring her to do so). She has an “innocent” childish temper.

However, the Ti part that bugs my mind: she always solve situations with anecdotes, she also has the malicious side of low Fe users, being a bully when she was younger (she even asked sorry for another cousin of ours nowadays by believing she harmed her development and self steem a lot with her jokes), and having that aura of “I’m naïve, innocent, cute and funny, but I’m also very smart and quick minded and I can easily f*uck you if I need to, so don’t mess with me”. She always put “common good” inside her anecdotes, however if we say she’s wrong, she’ll question her thoughts completely. Ex: she clashed her girlfriend, she developed an entire understanding of the situation and came for me for advice and validation. By last, she never give up on her social positions, she’s always in syntony with everyone, if conflict will lead to a break on this, she keeps things with her, but she often bring everyone together with her to the conflict (again, very skilled). In case of any fight, she cries and get frustrated easily.

About Ne/Si: she uses these social skills to survive, she has nearly middle school level, but she ascended in a very successful career path only with her problem solving and social skills (she’s an agile master, a strategic position that helps teams to work more efficiently. She started in a small position and was invited to work as an agile master, then bigger enterprises started hunting for her to work for them by her talent, so she ascended), and now she’s better paid than many people that have even post degree level (she’s obviously very smart too). However, she claims herself an “entrepreneur”, she says she believes she has been born to do something great, and she walks around thinking about the potential of small businesses she sees around, also about ideas to create her own business itself. She also wished to have a medicine degree by the challenge that is being a doctor and thinking about diseases. However, in 30 years she couldn’t even leave her mother’s house, even being well paid, and didn't follow any business idea she had. She once said even she's good at having ideas, but not following them (when she was a child she used to exploit her sibblings, paying ridiculous low values for them to do the shores for her).

I still believe she’s an XNTP since I see her Fe as having a more manipulative demeanor, however, can low Fe manifest in this way or am I wrong? I mean, being naïve and sheepish, putting common good before “matter of facts” and being easily carried by status quo. Because for me it’s like she’s putting these things as a priority above logic, and it goes against the ”low Fe” statement of being unaware or careless about these things (that I learned this way). Being loved and valued by the social atmosphere, and being conscious of what people think of her is also her priority, which also goes against what I learnd about low Fe. I once talked to her about what means being a “T type” (in simplistic means as the theory doesn’t interest her, and I made it clear that being T is not being a psychopath) and she refused completely the possibility of being a T. She also identifies with introversion (her result in 16p test was INFP). Would inferior Fe manifest in this way? So, summing up, can low Fe behave this way? Could you point if inferior Fe would show up this way too? I’m more interested in these questions than with her type to be honest. Thank you!

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The questions you're asking actually indicate you're on the wrong track. Basically, your reasoning process is backwards; you're trying to twist the evidence to fit your hypothesis. You've gotten too caught up on the idea of Fe and it has biased your analysis or blinded you to the full range of possibilities. You've even dismissed the most compelling evidence that came straight from the source herself.

Reviewing the evidence you've provided without any preconceived ideas about what type she might be, E and F both seem very obvious. The level of energy, initiative, and activity she is capable of rules out I. She also exhibits strong indicators of naturally occurring emotional and social intelligence, which strongly suggest F.

EF means there are four possible types to consider: ESFJ, ESFP, ENFJ, ENFP. Given 1) she has shown an impressive level of resourcefulness and focus on possibility throughout life, 2) she tested as INFP, 3) she identifies with introversion (less likely for Fe doms), and 4) the pattern of struggles/weaknesses exhibited, I would say that ENFP is the strongest possibility out of the four.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello! I really love this blog and the amount of details that are written in here. I genuinely dont think Ive ever found this much information about mbti that also takes into context development of certain functions, circumstances and other stuff like that. I was so used to type descriptions that simply just slap labels on you like oh you have any sense of a long term goal? AND like wearing black? AND avoid people? Must be an INTJ fr (this is an overexaggeration. or maybe not). Truly appreciate your work!

Im writing to make sure I got my own typing correct. Or in case I have mistyped myself to at least know which functions or function dynamics should I focus on to find my actual type. I keep concluding that I might be an ENTP but even having concluded that I always start questioning my type all over again. I consider every type under the sun only to land on ENTP again. But something doesn’t sit right with me with this typing. It could be right it could be wrong.

I will provide some information about myself for context. English is NOT my first language. I dont think I struggle with it at all but I might not know it well enough to see my own mistakes. I speak 4 languages which comes with the downside of being slightly trash at all of them. My mental state is not the best to say the least and in the past year ive developed severe social anxiety (however it vanishes the moment im even the slightest bit of comfortable). As for my age Im 18 years old, havent even started college yet. I dont know why would this matter but im a girl (maybe it could correlate with perceptions or expressions of type? I dont know?). Its pretty safe to say whatever my type is my functions are neither mature or developed. Lets get into it.

Constantly coming up with a bunch of ideas that at times are barely even realistic (but I fully believe they are 100% achievable regardless) has always been a driving force for me. I cant imagine myself without that trait. It helps me stay positive and at ease. I really need something to look forward to to keep me happy. I get carried away a lot by the smallest concept of an idea and tend to see potential in everything. Even when everything goes wrong I tend to picture all the possible ways that everything could go right in the future to keep myself hopeful and occupied. New things is something that gives me energy and inspiration. I love starting new projects (im a very creative person but I will not be diving too deep into that) whether its writing, sketching, drawing etc. I find it very exciting. However, I have never fully finished anything in my life because I always prefer starting something new completely, doing something else and abandon whatever I had started especially if it got to a point where it had become mundane or headache-ish. I am bad with follow-through in all aspects of my life. Academic, even. I know what needs to be done. Im excited to start a process and tend to see it as something interesting but eventually I get tired and half-ass most of whatever process that was. Im pretty sure all of this is a sign of dominant Ne which comes hand in hand with inferior Si.

My memory can be pretty good and at times pretty detailed. Remembering names and concepts that I care about isn’t a problem. Also there are movies that at some point i watched so many times that I knew them by heart. I don’t forget important dates or birthdays. However I tend to fully believe that I will get to places on time even tho I started my route late. I mix up paperwork, make very stupid mistakes despite double-checking. Im impatient. I leave things I dont wanna deal with for later and then completely forget about them, or believe they will somehow resolve on their own. I have a bad sense of limits. I genuinely believe that everything is always achievable and I almost consider myself immune to threats that are proven to be very much real. I know this isn’t a sign of very terrible inferior Si but I do think that it is still inferior rather than tertiary, auxilary etc. Dominant Si is completely out of the question.

Im pretty sure ive experienced Si grip episodes. Once my hope and ideas are gone it gets really bad. I dont know what do with my self, I overthink about every past mistake I ever made, how things should’ve been if I didnt mess up. Health in the traditional sense however is not a big theme. Its mostly about appearance and the littlest flaws that I think of obsessively and cant seem to find a way to fix. Also it includes obsession over the way the smallest changes in diet, activity etc can ruin my appearance beyond repair. This has led to an ED and exhaustive expercise in the past. During times like that I could also obsess over things like typology and think that im doomed because I dont match any type 100%, think that im lying to myself about my typing etc. Its as if there is no solution for any problem ever, no hope, just doom.

What throws me off is related to the awkwardness ive developed lately due to a series of bad events, an on-and-off toxic relationship (that I always considered toxic but still saw some potential in it, some fun in it) and other things. I used to blame the awkwardness on potential dominant Ti (awkward INTP trope. I get that this is a stereotype). But now that I thought about it more and read your page ive realized that the whole awkwardness comes from a place of being afraid of judgment, not living up to some societal standart, being ostracized from social environments and overthinking about where my place is within social dynamics and acting according to that. Because of this the way I act is so vastly different among different places that im barely even the same person. Ive received critism and comments about my behavior that are basically polar opposites. Which has nothing to do with Ti and everything to do with Fe.

Now maybe it could be a Fe grip type of situation which would still make me an INTP. However this is probably unlikely as during healthier times or places it comes very naturally to me to connect with people, find common ground, figure them out, joke around etc. Maybe this is an ongoing Ne-Fe loop type of situation which would make me an ENTP. Or maybe even this is a Ti grip kind of situation which would make me an ESFJ?? Or maybe its just an unfortunate situation because I seriously doubt that my Fe could be dominant. I am concerned with social things but mostly just how I look, how my actions appear to others (I have a need to sort of justify them or overexplain them. I have a need to make self deprecating jokes or excuses to cover my own shortcomings or otherwise i see them as unresolved issues), how I compare to others in various different ways, affirmation from others, having enough social connections to not be alone cause its beyond simply depressing to me. At the same time, its very difficult for me to be touchy-feely, say genuinely loving words or responding to loving phrases. I find them too serious and somehow scary. When someone expresses their love to me its basically a new obligation to not let them down. If I express too much love directly to someone it makes me too vulnerable and I dont like that. I show my love either by actions, making jokes about it indirectly or trying to cheer someone up. Also I can get so possessive of friendships that I get ditched (I get that its toxic but ive fixed it).

As for Ti I dont consioucly create frameworks and analyze and analyze and analyze. Maybe I do but it kinda goes under the radar. I need things to make sense to me but its more instinctive. Its not a major criteria for me to pursue something. As in, bonus points If it makes sense but even if it doesnt I dont care that much as long as it looks good. I engage in active analyzing and put things into a mental hierarchy when I really need it in order to understand/remember something for a grade (school) or im just painfully bored with nothing else to do. Doesnt last too long tho. When a real-life situation genuinely requires much thinking I tend to go with the first thought that sort of makes sense without overanalyzing it and simply focusing on the possibilites my choice has to offer. Thinking too intensely even tho im capable of it genuinely makes my brain hurt.

Does all of this sound like Ne-Fe looping or something else entirely?

I know this is a LOT of information. You cant even imagine how many times I tried to shorten it up but it was impossible to fully shorten it without leaving out details that could potentionally be crucial for my question. I really want to get into Type Development but I cant do that unless I know my type for sure.

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It's not a lot. Actually, though you've succeeded in being concise, it's still not enough information.

The first point you brought up is very important. Too many people rely on stereotypes to figure out their type because they lack in depth knowledge of the types and/or themselves. It basically means going by superficial appearances. This is prone to error because it relies on behavior and overlooks cognition. Types can often resemble each other on the surface because there will always be some overlap when it comes to behavior. Unfortunately, if you're unable to get a deeper understanding of the theory and/or yourself, you'll likely get stuck at the level of appearances and always feel unsure about your type.

As you've mentioned, you're young/immature and haven't had much chance to develop your functions so far. Low self-awareness is to be expected for certain groups, but it poses a problem for type assessment when it means you don't have enough insight into yourself. Low self-awareness can eventually be remedied through doing more self-reflection or simply giving yourself more time to mature through life experience. I sometimes suggest to teenagers to hold off on type assessment for a few years for this reason.

While your writing is helpfully descriptive, you seem unable to provide deeper explanations about what really motivates you or WHY you really think/behave as you do. It seems you are very motivated by "possibility", which is a key observation. But this alone isn't enough because it's not exclusive to ENTPs or Ne doms. It seems you are also motivated to fit in, due to fear of rejection. This is a more complex issue. Unless you dig deeper into the psychological origins, it remains unclear whether it's related to Fe or something else entirely. Other possible relevant factors include ego development problems, gender expectations, negative past experiences, etc. These two driving forces aren't enough to build a strong case.

Your work is good... so far... but it's still incomplete. As I explain in the study guides, my method begins by taking all 16 types into consideration. Through process of elimination, I narrow down the options to the most plausible candidate. Unfortunately, when you only write up one type instead of doing a thorough comparison between the top 2-3 possible types, it doesn't provide me with enough information to do a full analysis. I'm unable to confirm a particular type until I can ensure that no other type fits better.

Right now, I can only conclude that ENTP may or may not be correct, which is no better than when you started. One glaring problem in your description is the troubling lack of Ti detail, to the point where I wonder why you think you're TP in the first place. However, it's unclear whether this is because of low awareness of Ti or because you don't actually use it. From this, the only new piece of information I can offer is that INTP is ruled out. Unfortunately, there isn't enough information to rule out similar looking types that frequently mistype as ENTP such as ENFP, ESFJ, ENFJ. In terms of next steps, I suggest you give these types serious examination and rule them out.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi mbti-notes, thank you for this space you have created with such important information! I am an ENTJ in major burnout and am hoping for some advices.

I realized a few days ago that my internal motivator is quite critical and toxic and has been since I was a child. I push myself with thoughts about how I can’t fall behind or I will be worthless and lazy. When I accomplish something, my motivator immediately finds new ways I am behind new targets. I know this is what led to my burnout, which has lasted almost a month now. I feel a rebellious sense of not doing anything the toxic motivator says which feels very good but also means I am avoiding and delaying things I eventually must do.

I have been spending time only doing things that feel good or meet my needs like eating well and walking in nature when I have a spontaneous desire to do so. This has been great but is not sustainable. I feel I need a positive and kind motivator to replace the current one but just saying nice things has not changed the defiant response in me. How do I find a kind way to get myself to do things I don’t want to do but still need to do? I feel like a child lately. Thank you so much

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I don't know if it's comforting but what you've described is a fairly typical expression of Se loop (pushing yourself as though racing on a hamster wheel) and Fi grip (self-indulgence). Burnout is often the logical conclusion to long-term Se loop.

Chronic tertiary loop indicates a long running problem with auxiliary function development. Please see the study guides for more detail about type development. It is through proper Ni development that ENTJs find the right direction in life. Without healthy Ni, ENTJs tend to be motivated by the wrong things and then end up feeling unfulfilled even when they achieve their goals.

In the shorter term, the best strategy is to establish better work-life balance. You are a human being, with human limitations. Time and energy are finite resources, so you have to learn to spend them more wisely. It's analogous to budgeting your finances. There are necessary expenses versus discretionary spending. You have to be able to tell the difference between needs and wants. You have to be realistic about whether all your wants can or should be fulfilled. You have to prioritize and plan well in order to live within your means.

From the perspective of longer term type development, your instinct is correct in informing you that you need to find "a positive and kind motivator". Ni is about discovering your personal purpose, which leads you to live life more meaningfully. Without Ni, Te+Se leads to your actions feeling inexplicably empty, as though you are just doing things for the sake of doing or just doing what everyone else does. It means you have a weak sense of self, living life like a machine that was programmed by someone else.

Weak sense of self is often correlated with self-worth issues. It sounds like you need to rethink the criteria/standards that you use to measure your self-worth, otherwise, you will always feel at the mercy of forces beyond your control. If you truly want to be the master of your own life, you need a stronger sense of self. To build a stronger sense of self requires you to muster courage to change your life for the better, especially through being more willing to explore less conventional paths.

Essentially, you need to build a healthy personal life from which to imbue meaning into all of your activities. Without allowing yourself time and space to explore, away from the daily grind, how are you meant to find out what exactly it is you are meant to do in this world? This is a (spiritual) journey into the subjective. Nobody can or should tell you what the correct path FOR YOU is. It's something you have to discover through the process of digging deeper into your personal hopes and dreams (Ni) and getting to know who you really are (Fi).

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hey 20yo ENFJ here, hope you are doing good

So over the time, i’ve noticed that i isolated myself way less that i used to. Before, i could disappear for weeks, months, if i was going through something personal or if i had a lot of work to do for school. I believed that when i had a tough time i needed to be completely alone so i could focus on myself solely. Alone time was helpful to focus, and/or to reflect and figure things out. But i was missing my friends a lot and felt lonely.

As time passed, i started to feel less and less the need to just leave and isolate. I was okay with going through tough times and just maybe be less present that i used to be, but i was still in touch with my friends and talked to them when i had a break. But i think that what is missing is, i don’t have an alone time anymore, even if it’s few days off ; either i’m busy working, either i’m enjoying my free time by chatting with friends/watching a series. i don’t have that time when i reflect upon myself anymore, where i figure things out, and explore my mind. And i don’t really know how to balance things out.

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Do you need to improve your time management skills? It should be a simple matter to schedule your time better. When life is very full, you ought to schedule regular breaks for yourself, in order to ensure that you have enough quiet time to recharge or recuperate. A balanced schedule is very important for maintaining emotional well-being.

If you struggle to schedule, it could be indicative of a deeper issue, such as lack of Ni development. Ni is meant to help you determine what is most important in life, so that you can set your priorities accordingly and spend your time as wisely as possible. See the study guides and related posts about function development.

[mbti-notes]

Do you have any specific advice on restoring healthy dominant function use (Ni, to be specific) or what that looks like for someone who has possibly never had healthy dominant function usage in their life?

I can't answer such a generic question except by saying, generally speaking, Ni is about envisioning and aspiring to something better. If you are serious rather than exaggerating that you've never exhibited any healthy dominant function use, then there is a possibility you're mistyped.

Ni is a subjective function. Each person must find their own use for it and no two people use it exactly the same way. You want specifics without providing any specifics from which I can start to understand what the problem is. Someone dictating "how to use Ni" isn't going to do much for you as long as you don't address the problem of why exactly you've been misusing Ni (and suffering Se grip) in the first place. It would be more useful for you to go into detail about how you use Ni and why, both past and present. From that foundation, it would be easier for me to determine which direction is best for you.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi! I'm trying to type myself correctly and understand the Ti-dom function. I want to understand if my reasoning is correct:

I feel like it happens to me and it would be common to Ti-doms to suffer with naiveness due to low Fe, as they are not interested in people in general and on what they think/feel/demand - so they learn little about them, then leads to isolation and -blow up (grip?)-.

Me specifically, in periods I had no friends or when I feel alone in general, I feel completely vulnerable because, if someone hates me/do any plan to harm me, I feel like I won't be able to realize the malicious plan or even to defend from it, so I get paranoid about people secretly hating me, I behave trying to "read between the lines", looking for any possible malicious plans or if there's bad feelings about me (that would lead to attempts to harm me in future).

My purpose is not type assessment here but to understand if it's correct to atribute this "gripping" behavior to low Fe, or do you believe it's best related to low Ne (maybe Fe-Ne loop or Ne grip, because of feeling incapable of "reading between the lines" normally and defending of possible malicious plans)? It'll help me to understand the functions better and type myself in future, as soon as I comprehend the theory enough someday. (Sorry for any english mistakes, not a fluent english speaker).

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Imagine you went to the doctor and said, "Hey Doc, my stomach has been aching a lot lately, is it stomach cancer?" There is no credible doctor that would give you a simple yes/no answer. Stomachaches are merely a symptom, and they can be a symptom of a great many medical conditions. There is absolutely no way that this one piece of data can be used to draw a valid conclusion about what's really going on in your body.

Similarly, there is no way for me to draw any kind of useful conclusion with only 1-2 pieces of information. Do you think only Ti doms suffer from paranoia? Anyone can suffer from paranoia under the right conditions. Do you think only Ti doms feel lonely or don't take enough interest in people? You could be describing any looping introvert.

Like the stomachache, you ask, "Is paranoia attributable to inferior Fe?" The best answer to your question is "maybe" because there isn't enough data to say any more. Is it a useful answer? Knowing what is possible in hypothetical terms doesn't get you very far.

I understand why you're asking, but there is a reason I specifically tell people not to ask these kinds of piecemeal questions, yet you think you can get around this rule by saying it's not about assessment when it actually is. I don't like to guess, so respect my method or seek help from someone else who likes to guess.

Just like a doctor, I do a careful and thorough examination to build a solid case based on facts and evidence. I require details about ALL the functions laid out in front of me, in order to see the many function relationships and understand how the stack operates as a whole. My assessment help isn't "free". You first have to be willing to do the hard work of collecting ALL the pieces of the puzzle for me to work with, otherwise, I can't really help you. Don't only provide a couple pieces and expect that I can tell you exactly where they should fit. If you're unsure about where a detail should go, that's okay, put it down where you think it should go and I'll sort it out. But I can only do that with the help of all the other information as context.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, I really like your blog and have read your posts a lot over the years, so I respect your writing and perspectives. I was wondering if you could help me distinguish my type — I will be comparing INFP to ISTJ. I have narrowed down my functions to Fi, Si, Ne, and Te but I am unsure of the order.

Before I get into the details I will say I have experienced severe trauma and abuse in my childhood and into my early 20s, I think this definitely has impacted my development to varying degrees. I have complex PTSD from multiple traumatic events and in times of stress when my symptoms are heightened I don’t act like a mature or healthy version of whichever type I am. I also am autistic. I’m in my mid 20s. This is really long so I thank you for your time if you read through it all. I tried to give as much information as possible following the function theory guide, but as a result it is super lengthy. 

For INFP, following the function theory guide I think I have dominant Fi because; 

My feelings do strongly inform everything about my life. My attitude overall and on a day to day basis is heavily informed and directed by my inner emotional state. However sometimes this can be to my detriment if I am ruminating on something. My attachments, likes, dislikes etc. are all informed by my feelings. To be honest I don’t understand how those things wouldn’t be informed by feelings — how do you know whether you like something or not if you don’t know how you feel about it? And I would say my decision making is also heavily influenced by how I feel about things, though I can be practical or reasonable especially these days. When I was younger, especially as a teenager I was very impulsive and would often act solely on my feelings. I tend to have knee jerk emotional responses to things if I feel like they go against what I believe in and I have really had to learn how to pick my battles because I got into a lot of conflicts in my mid teens to early 20s. I am still learning how to do this, I think I’ll never stop learning it. It is very difficult to ignore my feelings or go against them. I think I can ignore my feelings if I have to in a certain situation but I always end up falling apart later and it feels like everything spills out at once. I can’t really go against my feelings. I mean, I suppose I could in a literal sense. For example I think murder is wrong and is always bad no matter what. But if someone tried to murder my loved one and my only choice to save their life was to murder the attacker I would do it. It goes against everything I believe in and stand for though and I would be disgusted with myself. I would genuinely struggle for the rest of my life to cope with it, even though I wouldn’t regret saving my loved one and wouldn’t have hesitated to do it. Another example is for me personally, stealing is a hard no. Once I had a friend put a carrot in my grocery bag without me knowing whilst I was paying and as a result I didn’t pay for it. They thought it would be funny and not a big deal because it was just one carrot but when they told me after we had left I was really angry that my agency was taken from me and I was forced unknowingly to steal something when this friend knew stealing was against my values. It felt cruel.

It is really important to me to honour my feelings/opinions/beliefs and values in everything I do. I can’t imagine myself not being that way. And any time I’ve abandoned myself to try to please or impress others I feel like I don’t even know who I am. I need to honour myself in my day to day life to have purpose. I feel like I am nothing without my principles. My partner said if I could be summed up in one word it would be integrity, and that he has never met someone who is so unwaveringly dedicated to their moral values and beliefs. (Not trying to sound up myself, just trying to give examples lol). I do easily become offended in situations that don’t honour people’s unique experiences. I tend to argue with people if I feel like they’ve judged another person, not considered their perspective or potential life story and how that might impact their behaviour etc. An easy example that annoys me often is people commenting on if they think someone has had cosmetic work done, and criticising them for it. Who cares? Like, let them do what they want, it’s their body and literally doesn’t impact us at all. If someone personally finds it physically unattractive that’s fine but you don’t need to announce it and look down on someone for having cosmetic procedures. Just don’t date people you don’t find attractive. I personally wouldn’t get cosmetic work done but I don’t care if other people do because it doesn’t affect my life at all! And I feel like women especially are criticised for getting cosmetic work done, when all our lives we are subconsciously and consciously influenced by the media and people in general to conform to a beauty standard. Then women have procedures done to fit that standard, and they become a source of ridicule? It is a pet peeve of mine lol. It doesn't feel fair or right. I think as long as we aren’t harming anyone people should be able to live and let live. I get annoyed when others are judgemental. It feels unnecessary. At the same time, I know I am a person with faults too and I can definitely be judgemental! Like judging people who judge others, or judging people if their morals don’t align with mine or their behaviour goes against something I believe in. It took me a long time to realise I’m equally as judgemental as other people can be, I just arrogantly felt like the judgements I made were ‘right’ or more valid somehow. And I think when I was younger I loved to stir the pot and the status quo if a situation felt soulless to me, but in social settings I no longer do that because it isn’t worth the conflict. I just try to mind my own business. I can’t say the same for one on one interactions with people I am really close to though. If my partner and I watch a movie or a series and there is a really emotional moving scene, I picture myself living that reality or I remember something similar I have experienced and I can get really emotional about it. If my partner shows no emotional response sometimes I try to press him to react because I don’t understand why he isn’t emotionally affected. Oftentimes he can be or is, but just doesn’t show it the same way I do. I’ll be like “I don’t understand how you don’t feel X! Why aren’t you feeling Y? Isn’t it making you emotional? Where is your passion! I don’t get it!” Which is probably super annoying. That’s something I need to work on, it’s hypocritical of me to be ‘live and let live’ and then get frustrated when people don’t react the way I think they should just because it’s not the way I react lol.

I would say largely I am in touch with how I feel, but not always. Sometimes I’m not always right off the mark and I need to journal or reflect to really get there if it’s a complex thing. But generally yeah I am aware of my moods and feelings and know when something feels good or bad etc. I just sometimes need time to reflect to figure out WHY I feel how I feel if it’s complicated or relates to a past trauma for example. I enjoy expressing myself creatively! I write creatively and I make visual art. I also sing, I play guitar too although I’m not too good at it. I love music, it feels like living. Writing is my biggest outlet for my emotions. The rest are more like hobbies. I think when I was younger I was more inclined to assume there was something ’not right’ with people who appear to lack feeling because I do link it to humanity. And of course with the example of my partner earlier when we watch shows or movies, I get the feeling that I need to see emotion from someone to feel like they have passion for life or for a socio-political cause or something. I struggle in philosophical debates about a social cause I care about because sometimes the philosophical debate takes away the human aspect and feels cold. But I’m also learning everyone expresses themselves in different ways and I think we all feel things to varying degrees. Who am I to say what’s right or wrong about someone’s self expression. I don’t know though, on paper I can say this stuff but I know in practice I don’t follow it perfectly (like my example). I guess it’s part of being human, we’re always growing and learning!

I definitely feel alienated when I feel low. I sometimes feel like the loneliest person in the world even when it’s not true. I tend to lose sight of and forget that I have supports in my life and can feel like it’s me against the world. To be fair I think it’s also a trauma response sometimes. I feel frustrated when I feel misunderstood and I tend to be more likely to feel misunderstood if I am low, whether or not I actually am being misunderstood in reality. I definitely need a lot of time alone to work through and think about my feelings and can’t be productive until my emotional state is settled again. I found it very difficult to open up about my emotions for most of my life and still do in a lot of ways, even though I feel very deeply all the time. When I was younger I wrote a lot more to work through my feelings, I’m a bit better at talking about my feelings and communicating these days. I went to therapy (and still do) for trauma. I refused to cry for years and suppressed my tears because it made me feel weak and vulnerable. I also took years to tell my therapist some of my worst traumatic experiences I have had, even though that was part of why I was going! I like to keep things to myself and most people don’t know my emotions too well. I guess that’s why I can sometimes feel lonely, even when I have friends. I don’t let them know me because I think I am afraid to. I also am just private and it doesn’t feel natural. But my partner knows me better than anyone, and I use my writing a lot to express myself with him. I write lots of letters and poems and prose for him. I think writing exposes my soul and it feels very intimate so I rarely share it with anybody. They have to be very special to me.

I don’t think that I dislike people who seem conforming — I don’t really care if people conform as long as they’re happy and I feel like judging people for being conforming comes across as having a superiority complex about being different lol. However, I do think it is important to question society’s values and to engage in personal reflection and decide what we believe rather than being told what to believe and following blindly. For example ever since I was young (under the age of 10) I knew my values on some social issues didn’t align with my parents’ values and I spoke out against them when it came up. As soon as I could think and feel for myself I did. I think major changes in the history of humanity have come from questioning and challenging the status quo, but I don’t think we need to judge people for conforming to trends if it makes them happy and doesn’t harm people. I do tend to dislike people who seem nosy and intrusive (thought process tends to be: why do you care so much about my business and what I’m doing? Stop interrogating me and inserting yourself into my life, focus on your own life!). I have quietly cut people out of my life for being nosy before. I also dislike people who seem inauthentic and insincere, even more so when everybody else seems to love them and not see what I’m seeing. I cannot stand disrespect and always call it out even at my own expense. It just goes against my morals/values. People being unfeeling doesn’t bother me as much as it used to but it still bothers me and I can stew on things if someone has wronged myself or a loved one in a way I consider heartless.

I am very sensitive to being considered fragile or weak. It really upsets me especially given my history of trauma, I honestly feel like if people knew what I lived through they would know that I’m so much more resilient than I might seem. My partner and some close people in my life who truly know my story have said I am the most resilient person they have met or that they have never seen such resilience before. I appreciate that, and I like feeling seen like that. But in my day to day life I don't want to tell my ~story to everyone because I don't want to be seen as broken or damaged. I want people to know me for who I really am and for who I have grown into rather than what I have endured. It's a double edged sword I think, I can't really have both or I don't know how to. I can come across as overly sensitive (I was very sensitive as a kid too) and maybe I am, but with the context of my life I think it’s justified. I just don’t tell people about my past and my trauma so they don’t know and make assumptions about me. There’s nothing wrong with being emotional either, I think it can be a strength — though it has taken me many years to start thinking this way rather than seeing my emotions as a weakness. I got criticised heavily for being moralising and self righteous within my family and it really annoyed me and still does if it happens. I get passionate about the things that matter to me and I fight for the causes I believe in. But I have learned with age that there is a way to go about these things, and in the past I didn’t always do it that way. You can’t attack people and make them feel like a bad person and then expect them to agree with your cause. People naturally get defensive when they feel attacked. I’ve learned to have better communication skills but I definitely still get riled up and can be very hard to reason with, though I’d hate to hear it or admit it in the heat of the moment.

Following the function theory guide, I think I have auxiliary Ne because;

In the way of resisting Ne development, I can relate on multiple levels. I become very withdrawn into myself, lose the ability to come up with new ideas or innovate (and wonder if I ever had the ability to come up with new ideas in the first place, or if I was just a fake and was never good enough). I become very rigid and confined and stick to my comfort zone, almost agoraphobic sometimes and avoiding new experiences like the plague. I start saying that hope is the worst thing that can happen to a person, that I refuse to have hope ever again, etc. I think it’s fear of disappointment and being hurt and feeling inadequate or feeling shame. I just can’t bring myself to hope for anything because it’s easier to handle disappointment than it is to handle hope and the subsequent loss of that hope. It makes me feel foolish and ashamed being put in that position. I hate relying on or needing other people, and I think sometimes hope leads to that reliance so when it doesn’t work out it makes me angry at myself for being so ’stupid’ so as to trust or rely on another.

In the way of overindulging in Ne development, I can relate in the following ways — I imagine running away from my life. I think about starting over, moving overseas where no one knows me. Or living in a van. I want to do something drastic and I feel trapped in my life, it feels like I need something new. Even when I know it’s impractical, it’s like my desperation outweighs all else. I start and stop new projects or ideas constantly but can’t bring anything to fruition because I lose motivation and interest. I spend ages researching new career ideas etc. and then abandon them when I come back to reality, feeling even more trapped and defeated.

For healthy Ne, these are the ways I can relate; I generally am considered an optimistic person. (Everyone has their moments). I am very helpful and good at problem solving especially for people close to me. I get lots of people out of difficult situations and I am proud of doing it, especially when I come up with solutions they hadn’t thought of yet. (Sometimes my solution is just googling what to do while people are freaking out but at the end of the day if the problem is solved and we're all happy… that’s good!). My work fields are almost always in areas which align with my moral values, I feel like I am doing something positive with my life and it gives me purpose. If work doesn’t align with my values or beliefs I find it extremely hard to stay motivated. I love getting to inspire people to become better versions of themselves and I want to do the same. I love when everyone is growing and improving their personal development. I have been told by a lot of people that I have changed them for the better or made them a better person. I actually had an experience once where I found someone’s lost phone. I went to a lot of effort to figure out who owned the phone, I took it home and kept it charged etc etc. Eventually I was able to speak to the person’s boss over the phone. I handed the phone in to the person’s workplace, but never got to meet the person. It didn't feel like a big deal to me to do that, I would've been so upset if I lost my phone and I would've hoped someone would help me find it too! 3 years later I randomly got a message on social media from this person, thanking me and telling me I actually made them a better person. They sent me a screenshot of a conversation they had with somebody 2 years after I had found their phone, where they had returned that person’s wallet. They wrote to the person that once someone had gone through a lot of effort to do the same for them. I was so touched that I had made such an impact on this person that they remembered it for years and it changed their behaviour in some way. I think it’s a good take-away, that no matter how small what we do is, we can still change the world with simple acts of kindness! At my best I think I can find the good within the bad. I’m best at doing it when I am helping other people, and worst at doing it when it’s for myself.

Following the function theory guide, the reason I think I have tertiary Si;

For Si loops, I definitely lose sight of and can’t see that my pessimism causes me to miss out on good opportunities. I don’t notice good opportunities or I do and ignore or dismiss them. I become self pitying and refuse to listen to anyone who tries to tell me that my pessimism is making me miss out essentially. I feel like “they just don’t understand” and knowingly dismiss their valid points. I ruminate a lot on the past, both my own mistakes and mistakes of others. I can’t get out of my own head and feel trapped. I am very risk averse when I’m in this state — though generally I’m quite risk averse and overly cautious lol. But I definitely am more risk averse than is healthy in these circumstances. I basically refuse to get outside of my comfort zone, no one can convince me otherwise. I have to get there myself. I relate everything back to negative past experiences and use them as excuses not to do things. I become extremely irrational about doing things my way and very fussy — I can snap at or be short with loved ones if they don’t do things the way I feel like it needs to be done in the moment and I regret it and feel immense shame later. I do always apologise for my behaviour after the fact though. I can’t take criticism or admit that I’m wrong even when I know I am because it’s too embarrassing. I cling to my wrong argument even though I know I’m making a fool of myself and I can’t stop. And yeah, basically I’d do anything to protect my own comfort, safety and wellbeing. The world feels unsafe and threatening. All of this sounds so dramatic and so bad but I really have been and do get like this especially under stress. It leads to feelings of self hate and shame too so it really spirals out of control. I have gotten better though, it still happens but I'm able to take accountability and apologise for my behaviour.

Following the function theory guide, the reasons I think I have inferior Te are;

For dominant Fi extremes; I avoid problems out of fear and anxiety if they overwhelm me, and end up with really long running issues that would have been really easy to solve if I had done it immediately. I make mountains out of molehills sometimes and make tasks feel much harder than they are in reality and can require someone’s input on how to break a task down to be able to move forward. My lifestyle honestly doesn’t get too messy though unless things are really really bad. I tend to be known for being organised and this only falls apart when I am overwhelmed and stressed like I described above. And the stress that causes it is usually extreme — for example after a sexual assault, after escaping domestic violence, during a period of homelessness with no income etc. I feel like all things considered I usually do pretty well to have my life together. I feel like most people would have struggled in those situations.

For loss of normal/healthy Fi function; I definitely feel like who I am is a liability. I cry a lot about it, I feel low and worthless and like people would be better off without me. I am incapable of seeing or remembering any of my good qualities because all I can see are my glaring failures. I don’t even think I have good qualities when I feel like that. I feel hopeless, weak and like a failure and it feels pointless to even try anything because I think I know there is no point, even when rationally that isn’t true.

For out of character Te grip tendencies; I do become unusually blunt, though as a person I tend to be quite blunt and straightforward. But not in a rude way. I wouldn’t say I’m aggressive but I have a shorter patience. I can become completely cold towards others which is very uncharacteristic. If someone has crossed a line irreparably I become emotionless towards them, calmly tell them why I no longer want them in my life and then never speak to them again lol. With people who stay in my life I just tend to snap at them and be very nit picky. It’s very different to my normal demeanour which people have always described as compassionate, warm and friendly. Someone close to me when asked what I’m like often says “to know her is to love her” which I think is sweet. And certainly not how I feel I deserve to be thought of when I am in this sort of state. I blame others easily even when I know they don’t deserve it, I pick fights for the sake of it. I am overly pedantic. One of my worst fears and most unbearable feelings is the feeling of being a failure, I cry about it when I’m like this and I can’t take any validation because it all feels like lies in the moment, I feel like me being a failure is an objective fact.

Now onto ISTJ, according to the function theory guide, the reason I think I have dominant Si is

I feel most at ease when sensory details are to my liking. For example, warm soft lighting, quiet spaces, my comfort clothes and favourite foods and drinks. I like things to be the way I like them and I struggle when they aren’t. I am thrown by physical discomfort to the point that if my elbows get wet or my sleeves get wet whilst I’m washing dishes I get so uncomfortable I need to go change my shirt lol. I can’t stand it. I don’t like being out of my comfort zone in new environments especially socially. I try to prepare myself in advance as much as I can. Examples are looking at guest/invite lists to know who to expect, looking at menus for restaurants before I go there so I can plan what to order, researching an event before I attend it so I know what to expect etc.

I proceed with trepidation in new and unfamiliar situations for sure. Like I mentioned above I do extensive research to prepare myself so that I have some idea of what to do. I relate things back to my own past experiences a lot to know how to proceed and if I have nothing then I research it externally. I don’t necessarily always believe that a new untested approach is too risky because I know risks are a part of life and a part of growth, intellectually I know that. I guess I don’t behave like that though. Unless I’m being impulsive but I tend to be pretty responsible and have always been ’the responsible one’ and the problem solver for everyone in my life.

I am a creature of habit for sure. I’m the sort of person who eats the same thing at the same restaurant every time etc. I like my routines and rituals — they’re personal to me and have meaning to me, and I feel like they recharge me so they are an essential part of my life. I am resistant to being interrupted or having my routine changed and it is hard for me to recalibrate myself and move forward.

When I’m low I can become nit-picky about small details and overly critical. I do compare my current negative circumstances to positive past experiences, I think in a sort of bittersweet nostalgic way. Like I didn’t know how good things were or didn’t appreciate them at the time. But also sometimes I feel hopeless, like things will never be the same as they were and I look to past experiences that went poorly and then assume a current situation will have the same result. Mostly when I’m low I think I catastrophise and have low self worth though lol. Also I do think the richness of my life is heavily defined by my memories! I don’t imagine how it couldn’t be. I’m made of my memories. I have a very precise and detailed vivid memory, it usually impresses people. I’m very good at watching mystery TV shows because of my attention to detail and my memory, people always comment on it because I solve and connect the dots very quickly. I also easily remember the important dates and appointments of people in my life and am sort of a human calendar for my partner lol he is quite forgetful. I think every experience I’ve had and every memory I’ve made has shaped me into the person I am now. I know I have gone through unspeakable traumas and some days the weight of it is crushing. But I don’t think I’d change it when I really sit and think about it. I wouldn’t be the person I am now if I didn’t go through those things. There is always something to learn from our past experiences, something to take into the future. But sometimes I really struggle to live in the present. Sometimes I get stuck in the past. Sometimes I am in a beautiful moment and all I can think is how excited I am to have this memory one day. The past heavily influences my worldview and decision making process. I will say I am quite proud of myself that in spite of everything I went through, I tend to see the best in others and assume good intentions. I don’t think I should have to assume the worst in everyone just because some people do bad things. BUT when it relates to certain things that matter to me deeply and that I have had past negative experiences with I can be very hesitant, cautious, a bit judgemental etc. I can get very protective over loved ones if I have had a bad experience in a similar situation that they are wanting to engage in and I try to ‘protect' them from it, which I know can come off as controlling. I’m learning I can’t control everything even when I want to. I was forced to parent my siblings and shield them from abuse so I think I have a sense of responsibility I might not otherwise have had, and it’s transferred into many areas of my life as a result.

I do get frustrated with people who are impractical and irresponsible. I don’t like inconsistency either. I think I get frustrated at cleaning up other people’s messes. When people come to me having made impractical choices or acted irresponsibly and asking me what to do I get resentful, because I tend to always end up in a position where I am the fixer. My patience for it is thin, but I know it’s a me problem. It generally only happens with people close to me who repeatedly act irresponsibly and expect me to clean up their mistakes. I can and should (and sometimes do!) communicate openly, I just find it hard to do sometimes if there is a long complex history, like with my siblings. To them I am the parental figure, even if we are only a couple years apart in age and adults now. I don’t yet know how to change this. Inconsistency bothers me because I don’t like when people behave one way with me and another way in front of others. Or seem to lack self control and self discipline. I just wish they would know who they are and stick to it — so it’s ironic that I’m asking you to help tell me who I am in a sense.

I am sensitive to and have been referred to as meek, a worrywart, inflexible and a hypochondriac lol. I think I can be adventurous but in small ways. I love trying lots of weird foods that many people would be grossed out by. I love travelling and day trips. But I would never sky dive, because it seems pointlessly risky and dangerous. I think speeding whilst driving is dangerous and irresponsible, and that people who do it for fun are putting the lives of everyone on the road at risk (and their own life) just for a cheap thrill. So I am judgemental of that, and honestly I am not sorry about it. I don’t think I’m meek but it’s been said. I am a worrywart and I know it. I own it lol. It’s just a part of who I am. I don’t personally think I’m boring but I am relatively boring for my age group, I used to be really upset about it because my peers dismissed me due to my choice to go sober. Now I don’t care because I feel way healthier, it’s been 6 years and I've saved so much money lol. When I am feeling low I ruminate on people thinking I’m boring sometimes.

Following the function theory guide, I think I have auxiliary Te because;

I can relate to resisting Te development because I can be reluctant to face facts during decision making. I think if I want to do a certain thing or think I know the right way to do it I don’t want to be shown or told that I’m wrong. I just want to do it my way. I can definitely be reluctant to admit responsibility at times and especially when I was younger. I didn’t want to be responsible for things so I just avoided them and pretended they didn’t exist lol. Like assignments at school for example, or chores. I waited until the last second. I also really struggle to accept mistakes and failures. I always have. I am extremely hard on myself when I make a mistake or have a perceived failure. I feel immense guilt, shame and embarrassment. I really struggle to get out of it. However I don’t think I have poor leadership or teamwork abilities. I’m actually good at those things! I have always done team based work and I think it is so important in those settings to work collaboratively and supportively. I liked being able to train and help newer staff members or students on work placement to learn the ropes. And at smaller businesses when I was still studying I always ended up falling into leadership roles or acting as manager because I had good ideas that I would express to my higher ups, or I would take on extra responsibilities because I could come up with more effective and efficient ways to do things.

In regards to overindulging in Te development, I can definitely be extremely inflexible especially under stress. I refuse to change ideas or plans and will freak out over it. Like I will cry about it and lose the plot lol. If I am stressed I need my plans and routines to stay the way I expect them to be. I have definitely been a workaholic at the expense of my personal life. I have defined my entire worth as a human being on my work before and it destroyed me and actually led to a suicide attempt and 2 month hospitalisation when my work life fell apart. In part I really think that I was trying to be someone I wasn’t though. I tried to get a ‘real job’ and be the person I thought everyone else needed me to be. I abandoned myself and tried so hard to fit in to society in a way that I just don’t, but for once people really recognised me. People respected me and were proud of me and I guess I lost sight of myself and my identity in chasing that. I didn’t even know who I was anymore, I completely changed myself to fit in. It took over a year to start to shake this excessive care about what other people thought of me. I never used to be like that. No job is worth my life lol. I tried again at another company in the same field, and I saw the way people treated others in the field was the same. I decided I don’t want to be a part of something or be associated with something that treats people that way. So now in my mid 20s I have to start over and find a new path but at least I’m alive, that’s a gift. Anyway I can also be a very black/white thinker under stress or if I’m fired up lol but generally I do think I am pretty good at seeing the grey areas and the nuances.

In regards to healthy Te development, I think striving for healthy well rounded goals is something I am working on. I was very extreme there lol. But I do have a great work ethic and I always have. I have always been a highly valued worker. I work hard when I care about what I do and I give 100%. I am dedicated and I want to do well. I take pride in my work, it makes me feel valued and gives me purpose. I can be competitive (as a kid I was extremely competitive and HAD to win) but now I am more healthy in my competitiveness and I think it makes me driven and motivated. I love feedback because it teaches me how to be better, I always ask for feedback at work even when my employers don’t have any sometimes lol because I want to know how I can be better. I do it in my personal life and relationships too. I want to be the best version of myself that I can, and I think feedback helps me achieve that. I am very good at and love organising and scheduling things in the most efficient way. So I am great at planning holidays and vacations, I make itineraries and colour code everything lol. It’s something I’ve gotten a lot better at with age. I have worked jobs since I was 13 non stop to support myself so I think in workplaces I am good with that sort of stuff because I had to be and it’s only recently started to spill into my personal life. Though due to my upbringing and my past, my survival also depended on me being organised so I think that helped a bit too.

Following the function theory guide, I think I have tertiary Fi because;

I really struggle when I am under stress to see that a black and white approach to life worsens problems. I get into conflicts over it because I think so starkly that things are good vs bad, wrong vs right. I am impatient at hearing nuanced perspectives and have this “you’re either with me or against me” feeling. I become very easily frustrated by challenges and take the results personally. If I fail it feels like the worst thing in the world. If I can’t do something the ‘right’ way or the way I think I should be able to do it I am a failure, no matter that failure is subjective or a potential path to success. I am overwhelmed by guilt and shame and embarrassment. When I was younger I could not learn from my mistakes because I didn’t want to accept negative results. I kept trying to cling to my wrong arguments or wrong ways of doing things. I had too much pride, I think. I would keep going, knowing I was wrong and had lost in the situation but I was too prideful to admit it. And I couldn’t handle the shame or embarrassment that came with it. That weakness, that admission that I was not perfect or good enough or smart enough. I doubled down, like I knew better or was better just because of my ‘moral compass’. Sometimes me and the other person would end up on the same side arguing the same point but I couldn’t let go of the initial disagreement so I continued to create conflict even though I knew it was pointless. If I stated my stance on an issue based purely on my emotions and moral justifications and was asked for proof I got very defensive if I didn’t have any or became flustered by the question and lashed out. And yeah, I couldn’t (and sometimes still can’t) accept good advice because I judge it as too hard and too complicated. I think I know what to do already so I get angry when told what to do because I suppose it makes me feel like they think I’m incompetent. Even when it is well intentioned. I don’t think I worry too much about compromising myself or my integrity. I know what matters to me. But I know I have compromised it before to my own detriment, and I am trying to unlearn the feeling that I need to please others to be worthy.

Following the function theory guide, I think I have inferior Ne because;

During times of dominant Si extremes I do think I become overly conventional. I stop following who I really am in order to fit the mould of society or what I think people expect of me. I can be extremely stubborn. I have been stubborn all my life — it is situational but I do have a tendency to double down if I feel like I am being told what to do or if my agency is being taken away. I might deliberately do the opposite of what I am told to do if I feel like it was said in a rude or demanding way because I don't like being told what to do. I become fearful and resistant to change because it is uncomfortable and feels unsafe. Predictability is safe even though it leads to stagnation and it takes me a while to pull myself out when it happens. I act agoraphobic and get to a point where I actually don’t want to leave the house or my comfort zone and am afraid of other people because it is so draining to interact. I become pessimistic which is unlike me, I am usually optimistic. At work people would say how are you so happy all of the time? And my patients always commented on how friendly or warm I was etc. I tend to try and see the best in things when I am at my best. When I am at my worst I am incapable of it.

For loss of normal and healthy Si functioning, I do feel a nagging discomfort that my life is lacking or boring. I get this itch to throw my life on its head and start over or do something really spontaneous and exciting and new and fun because I want to feel alive. I struggle to focus on things when I have low motivation for life and when it feels boring or hopeless. And I am more rigid than usual, so thoughts of change really stress me out and I don’t feel capable of handling them. I avoid social situations when I’m like that.

For out of character Ne grip tendencies, I do become easily moody. I pick arguments over small things because I am bored I think, and because I want a sense of control. I feel insecure about myself and my life, I start to think I’m not good enough and compare myself and my life to other people’s lives. I wonder if I’m a boring person just because I am (what I consider) responsible and practical. I don’t like taking unnecessary risks that feel unsafe, and sometimes it makes me think I’m boring. I can be careless in the sense that I spend money more than I normally do, even if I know it’s irresponsible. When I was younger I was a lot more impulsive and irresponsible especially in my teens. I drank a lot and partied and acted very out of character. I had always been really practical and thought about the long term consequences of my actions and the actions of those around me but back then I didn’t care. I thought I deserved to let loose like everyone else my age. I catastrophise a lot. It’s my go to. I imagine the worst case scenario almost immediately and people struggle to talk me out of it. I think trauma does play a role in this though — I am often mentally referencing genuine past life threatening situations and it is easy to just jump to conclusions. I’m working on it in therapy. But I even do things like I spent a stupid amount of money on some website to write a will before a flight overseas because I started imagining I was going to die in a plane crash. I was like 22 and had barely any assets lmao. I get anxious thinking about the future I think in a way because there are so many opportunities. Life doesn’t feel long enough for me to try all of the things I want to do. I want to be so many things in my life and I don’t know how I’ll find the time! It’s like Sylvia Plath’s fig tree analogy. I worry that if I choose one path it’s my path, and I forget that I have the agency over my life to just choose something else sometimes. I do also get taken by outlandish ideas when bored, I guess like researching van life because I want to escape haha. And I can become unrealistic in thinking about the future and then my practicality kicks in and I give up on what I felt like were my dreams or hopes. I just want to do so many things with my life and I wish time and the human lifespan didn’t limit me.

Anyway, thank you so much if you have read this far, I know it was very long. I hope I provided enough information that was relevant. I would really appreciate your input as I value your opinions a lot! I feel like I tried to be as honest as possible especially about my faults.

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It's not very long for me as I'm a fast reader, but it probably felt long for you to write. The more important point is the quality of the info provided. You followed the guide very closely (good job), so there was more than enough info for me to do a proper analysis. I appreciate you inserting details about mental health problems and past traumas throughout because it really helped me separate out what is really you versus what is merely compensatory behavior.

INFP and ISTJ are both introverted and share the same functions but in different order, so I can see why you got caught between them. When I read the INFP case, all the pieces of the puzzle fit together impeccably to unveil a beautiful portrait. When I read the ISTJ case, it was like I had a bunch of random pieces that I wasn't sure were part of the same puzzle but I nevertheless had to try to jam them all together only to end up with a very wonky image. If you're INFP, everything you've said makes perfect sense. If you're ISTJ, you'd be a very, very weird looking one.

Your work was even good enough for me to conclude there is no other type that would fit better than INFP, which usually indicates the correct type has been found. I agree that you have demonstrated great resiliency. In terms of type development, it sounds like you are mostly aware of the things you need to work on, so your challenge is to keep up learning and progressing, through Ne development.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I’m writing for you because I need help with social struggles/skills. I’m an autistic ADHD IXFJ (prob looping), I’m struggling with identifying the limits between keeping and leaving friendships. I worked to have better and genuine social interactions, however, I never know when I should forgive people’s disrespect or not, or when it’s worth it to keep a friendship. Do you have any idea of how to “behave” in this sort of situation?

People do harm to me sometimes, but I’m quick to search for their shoes and understand why they did it. Most of times, conflicts happens by poor communication, or by accident, not by bad intentions (I don’t use it as a defense to justify keeping a friendship, actually I often do a lot of effort to collect data to find a conclusion, talking to the other part clearly and involving a third part when needed). But when/how much should someone take the others context or difficulties into consideration when judging to leave or not a friendship? I get confused about this. I learnt that the “am I sad or not by the situation” is not enough criteria, since sometimes people repeat bad behavior, however I still lost in this process.

That thoughts happened to me because lately someone very important to me hurt me badly, I know this person is not bad intentioned, however she struggles with egocentrism and things like that, so it’s incapable of realizing it, even though I tell her so (what I did). I understood her and wished to keep the friendship because, as far as I know her, she’s not bad intentioned and care about me, she’s also doing therapy and progress about these concerns.

However, my friends are mad at me because I decided to keep the friendship by understanding it wasn’t her intention and she’s doing progress, although she didn’t show the same effort to understand my side of the story (or what she did meant to me) and asked me sorry only because I mentioned she didn’t (what means she doesn’t care about me and is trying to manipulate me).

I have an INTJ friend who is often well balanced in these concerns, and she told me that I’m self-inflicting suffering by going for her for a resolution, in her understanding I should leave the friendship (and she wants to kick my ass) because the other part lack respect for me. I get her however the one who possess all the information is me. However, although I possess the information, I don’t know what I should do with it either. So, I understand my limits, when they’re crossed, I know I should stand for them and ask for respect even when I’m not so triggered, but I don’t know how to decide what to do next. I hope you understand my question, sorry by any English mistakes. Thank you!!

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I think your question is getting at a very important issue that many people, especially FJs, struggle with, so I think it's worth going into detail about it.

On Why Relationships Get Complicated

Generally speaking, your question is difficult to answer for a variety of reasons, including:

- Relationships have a lot of gray areas. It's hard to know exactly where to draw lines and boundaries sometimes. Most relationships fall into the "normal" category, where some disagreeable behavior is inevitable yet it's never so extreme as to warrant immediate breakup. And then you're stuck wondering at what point does bad become bad enough to warrant breakup. To complicate matters, the breaking point differs for each person based on their individual needs, wants, and goals.

- "Hurt" is sometimes difficult to define due to its subjective nature. What one person deems hurtful, another person easily brushes off. Even when you try to look at the situation as objectively as possible, some behaviors still seem quite ambiguous, making it difficult to determine exactly what needs to change. For example, it could be that one person is too insensitive and needs to be more tactful, but it could be that the other person is oversensitive and needs to be more accepting. Or both could be true. It's hard to make sense of it.

- Relationship compatibility is not either/or. The question of compatibility doesn't have a straightforward yes/no answer because there are so many possible ways of looking at it (one recent study came up with 24 different factors). To complicate matters further, the factors that people consider most important for compatibility can change over time, due to individual change and/or societal change.

On the Source of (FJ) Indecisiveness

Whether to end a relationship is a personal decision. It's not something someone else can decide for you. While your INTJ friend is worried for your well-being, it's not her decision to make. Like you said, only you have all the information and outsiders don't know the whole story. At the same time though, outsiders might be capable of viewing the relationship more objectively, so their opinions shouldn't be flippantly dismissed, either. But too much conflicting information can then breed confusion.

It is often the case that too much conflicting information is confusing to people who don't know what it is they really want. People with crystal clear needs, wants, lines, and boundaries tend to make relationship decisions very quickly and firmly. They are not easily swayed by outside opinions unless new information is presented. In other words, one big reason people suffer from indecisiveness is because they don't know themselves well enough.

How would you respond if I were to ask you directly, "Do you want to keep this friend?" It's a simple yes/no question. Unfortunately, FJs tend to have difficulty giving a definitive answer because they often don't pay enough attention to their own needs and wants. Hearing you describe this problem, so much of what you've said is about trying to understand others and/or the situation. But what about understanding yourself? What do you want? What do you need from people AND are you getting it?

Can you answer straightforwardly, or do you tend to start with "it depends..."? If it depends, then what does it depend on? On what basis are you going to decide whether a relationship is what you need/want or something worthwhile for you to keep and maintain? Being an introvert with socializing challenges (AuDHD), your time and energy for socializing is somewhat limited, so at what point do you decide that a relationship isn't worth your investment and/or that your time and energy would be better spent elsewhere?

Even when FJs know what they want, they can still have difficulty making a firm decision and sticking with it. Decisions made on purely subjective/personal grounds often seem "selfish" to them, which then makes them feel compelled to come up with some kind of "objective" reason to back it up. But because of low Ti, they might have difficulty developing a clear explanation or a coherent justification, which leaves them unable to resolve the situation to their satisfaction.

I'm not here to convince people to make decisions that go against their personality type, since that can end up being harmful. All I can do is prompt you to reflect on the following:

Do you have difficulty making personal decisions purely for the sake of your own well-being? If so, do you like/dislike this quality of yours? Do you wish to change it or not?

Do you usually feel that you owe people an explanation or justification for personal decisions? If so, do you think this is a good thing or something that needs to change, and why?

Under what conditions, if any, would it be possible for you to feel completely at peace with making a purely personal decision (with no consideration given to others)? Do you believe you have a right to make such decisions? Why or why not?

Unfortunately, many FJs get stuck in unhealthy relationships because they are far too forgiving for their own good. They accommodate others at their own expense, perhaps feeling like they should be the bigger person. It's important to remember that a healthy relationship arises from establishing a healthy balance between oneself and others. I can see that you're trying to do this.

Unfortunately, the downside of having to consider so many factors is that it muddles the decision-making process. If you think it's important to take many factors into consideration, that's perfectly fine and admirable, but then you also need to improve your critical or analytical thinking skills. You need to have a reliable method to sort through it all. This is why Ti is meant to complement Fe. It sounds like you've got some development to do regarding the Fe-Ti balance.

On Hurt

An essential factor to take into consideration is whether people are getting hurt in the relationship. When people are afraid of getting hurt, they can sometimes be quick to conclude that hurt = bad. From there, it's easy to jump to bad relationship = must breakup.

Sure, it's not good to get hurt, but at the same time, one must accept the fact that some amount of hurt is bound to happen in any relationship. It takes a while for people to really get to know each other, right? It's inevitable that toes will get stepped on or that boundaries will get crossed because you simply don't know exactly what's going to offend/hurt someone before it happens.

If hurt is a given - a fact of life that can't be avoided - then the key point isn't about (over)reacting to every hurt but to learn the best methods of handling it. This requires you to have a more nuanced approach to hurt and a deeper understanding of its purpose.

The concept of "hurt" can be looked at through a variety of factors, such as: 1) severity: some forms of hurt are more emotionally injurious/traumatic than others, 2) destructiveness: some forms of hurt are more damaging to a relationship bond than others, and 3) morality: some forms of hurtful behavior are more morally objectionable than others. These factors can be rated on a scale of 1 to 10, which would help you get a clearer idea of what kind of response is warranted.

In terms of severity, perhaps a rating of 1-4 is the "bearable" kind of hurt. Perhaps this is the kind of hurt that arises from the natural friction of individual differences in personality or communication style, the remedy to which should be nurturing greater tolerance and acceptance. Perhaps a rating of 5-7 is the kind of hurt that warrants one or both parties to make a change, in order to improve the relationship. Perhaps a rating of 8-10 is the kind of hurt that warrants distance or breakup. You get the point.

In terms of destructiveness, a healthy relationship requires a healthy amount of trust and faith. Trust is about believing that someone has your best interests at heart, that they care about you and intend to treat you well. Faith is about believing that a relationship has a future, that progress is possible as long as both parties remain committed. Rate how much trust and faith you have in the relationship from 1 to 10. What is the threshold (of lack of trust/faith) at which you believe the friendship becomes untenable and isn't worth salvaging?

In terms of morality, a major source of conflict between people comes from differences in values. You're not going to agree with everything other people think or do. This raises the question: What amount of difference in values is intolerable to you? What kinds of moral beliefs/values constitute deal-breakers for you? You can rate the morality of behavior on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being very moral and 1 being quite immoral. At what point does the immorality of someone's behavior make it impossible for you to keep associating with them?

Yes, hurt is meant to serve as a warning sign that there's something not right in the relationship. But on the other side, this also means hurt serves as a catalyst for discovering how the relationship should improve over time. Hurt is an opportunity for two people to learn more about each other's likes/dislikes, preferences, habits, beliefs, values, goals, hopes, and traits or styles. Through this long learning process, the relationship should gradually grow more bonded and intimate.

However, if learning isn't taking place and hurtful patterns of behavior stubbornly recur and persist, that's when you have to step back and assess the quality and health of the relationship, in order to determine whether it's good for your mental health to continue.

You don't owe people your friendship. People aren't entitled to your time, energy, empathy, or effort. A relationship should be a two-way street. It's important that you get your fair share of benefits, that your needs are being equally cared for and met. If those benefits aren't forthcoming and, worse, you seem to bear most of the relationship costs, then you're harming yourself by staying.

On Compatibility

Be it friendship or romance, whenever people ask me "should I stay or should I go?", the first question that always pops into my head is, "How compatible are the two of you?" Why does compatibility matter? Generally speaking, compatibility encompasses the factors that impact relationship satisfaction. As a concept, compatibility is used to measure/predict things such as:

how well two people can get along overall

what kinds of mutual benefits are possible

where the points of conflict are likely to lie

the degree of intimacy that is possible for a relationship

whether a relationship can last over the long term

whether a relationship is meaningful or fulfilling

Generally speaking, compatibility is a way to compare and contrast how similar versus different two people are. Studies have shown that, the more points of similarity you share with someone, the more likely you are to feel satisfied with the relationship.

There are many points on which people can be compared. For example: personality/style factors; biographical/background factors; socioeconomic factors; belief system; moral values; perspective on career and family; etc. The study I mentioned above listed 24 important points, including: lifestyle; opinions; emotions; origins; sociality; romanticism; morals; family; food; sensation; class; religion; conformity; leisure; appearance; job; conflict; empathy; humor; residence; speech; intellect; enthusiasm; activity.

Compatibility is usually studied in relation to romance. This makes sense because, if you're thinking of marrying someone or spending 24/7 with them, you don't want too many potential points of misunderstanding or conflict. Compatibility can be applied to friendship as well, only with less stringent standards. Friendships often allow for more differences because you don't have to confront them constantly like in a romantic relationship.

Different people value different compatibility factors. For instance, people with a post-secondary degree tend to value similarity of educational attainment level more than those with a high school diploma. Thus, you have to ask yourself which factors are most important to you. Which factors do you believe are necessary for building a good foundation of friendship with you? Search your past relationship experience and examine which compatibility factors help you feel closer to people (similarities) and which factors often pop up as points of conflict (differences).

Through understanding which compatibility factors you value most at this point in your life (they do change as you age and mature), you can get a much better idea of what you're looking for in a friend. Essentially, this is the process of learning how to set some basic standards that must be met before you enter into a relationship. As you get older, you'll increasingly feel like time is precious, which means standards become important for helping you put your time and energy where they count the most, into relationships that feel the most meaningful and fulfilling.

Note that people at lower levels of ego development tend to misunderstand or misapply the notion of "standards". They turn it into something snobby or elitist because they think standards are about superiority/inferiority, that being un/able to meet certain standards makes one a greater/lesser person. This kind of thinking is antithetical to healthy and loving relationships. It's an indication that the person is not yet fully capable of genuine friendship.

Ideally, standards should only be about facing the facts of compatibility, facing the reality of human similarities and differences. Someone being too different from you to be your friend shouldn't be a judgy statement about them but purely a practical statement about your own needs and preferences. Do not universalize your standards or assume they are any kind of objective measure of anything.

For friendship, difference in itself should not be a deal-breaker. Quite the contrary, differences should be welcomed and treated as opportunities to improve your knowledge about the diversity of human beings, as this would help you improve your social skills and allow you to get along with a wider variety of people. Of course, when differences are accompanied by hurtful behavior, the calculation changes. But too many people treat differences as automatically bad, which seriously shrinks their friendship opportunities.

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The concepts of "compatibility" and "hurt" can be thought of as two sides of the same coin. Compatibility helps you understand the light side, the aspects of the relationship that bring something positive into your life. Hurt helps you understand the dark side, the aspects of the relationship that bring something negative into your life. By examining both sides of the coin, you get a bigger picture view from which to make wiser relationship decisions.

Some people think that a friendship is acceptable as long as nobody is getting seriously hurt, and they don't care about compatibility (very loose standards). Some people think that compatibility is everything, and maybe they're too quick to give up on friendships (very stringent standards). Remember, the concepts I've discussed aren't about forcing everyone to approach relationships the same way (which is something unhealthy Fe desires). This discussion is meant to help you develop your personal perspective on relationships from which to make decisions that are best for your own well-being and fulfillment.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hallo I’m a 20 year old ESFJ girl. Since I don’t see many ESFJs around here, I wanted to share my thoughts and ask for help. I speak Spanish so I hope everything I say comes across clearly.

I need some help. Honestly, I’m lost in my insecurities about my intellectual abilities. I’ve had this fixation on my intelligence since I was a preteen. Before that, I was a very sociable child who worried about avoiding conflicts among my friends and tried to keep the group united despite negative feelings like envy or hatred—acting as a mediator.

Thanks to my mom (I’m not entirely sure about her personality type, but it’s probably far from ESFJ, which is why we sometimes clash—though she’s very calm and understanding) and my dad (who I think is also an ESFJ with the same fixation on intellectual abilities as me), I started placing importance on thinking and being intelligent.

From that point on, I became aware that I didn’t tend to overthink things and that there were people who thought more and better than I did. Since I’d always gotten good grades without much effort, I never doubted my intellectual abilities—until I realized there was more to it than just memorizing things temporarily for an exam. I began self-evaluating, searching online, comparing myself to others, feeling disappointed in myself, and developing even more insecurities about it. From then on, I started studying more and gaining knowledge. And since social validation matters to me, I obviously showed off that knowledge to get praise and convince myself that I was intelligent.

For a while, I believed I was smart, but I knew this was an insecurity because if you truly are something, you shouldn’t have to doubt it or seek validation from others. So, in an attempt to understand myself better, I delved deeper into psychology. I remember that during that period (ages 15 to 17), I hated emotional and sociable people, idolized egocentric and intelligent people because I wanted to be like them, and isolated myself because "intelligent people are loners" (looking back, that thought sounds so funny now, haha). I denied my natural inclination to care about others’ well-being and developed a very sarcastic sense of humor.

While exploring psychological concepts, I became fixated on personality types and eventually stumbled upon MBTI. At first, I took the 16Personalities test and got ENTP—you have no idea how happy I was! That was exactly what I wanted to be... though, of course, I’d manipulated the test to get that result. Later, I learned about the origins of MBTI and how it’s more complex than just four letters. I decided to join an MBTI community to ask questions and learn more. There, they administered cognitive function tests, and since they seemed very knowledgeable, I took one. They told me I was an ESFJ, explained what that meant, and I was disappointed—I refused to accept it. I dug deeper into MBTI, trying to prove I wasn’t an ESFJ or ISFJ. Any other type would’ve been fine, and I even explored whether it was possible to change my personality, even through traumatic methods... which was extreme.

After realizing there was no way out, I began to accept it. That’s when I started developing my personality. I discovered how much I love focusing on others’ well-being, and for the first time, I felt genuine satisfaction—something I’d never experienced before. With ups and downs, I tried to understand my emotions and accepted them, even when I disliked how they surfaced. I also faced new challenges, like hating truly egocentric people or realizing the support I gave wasn’t always reciprocated.

At this point in my life, I can say I’ve accepted my personality type—but I’m not proud of it. Plus, there aren’t many ESFJs in the MBTI community, so most discussions don’t focus on us, and when they do, it’s not always positive.

So, after sharing so much of my life, my questions are:

How can I let go of this obsession?

Are there any benefits to being an ESFJ that I can highlight and leverage?

What should I work on based on my cognitive functions and their development?

If you have any additional comments, I’d genuinely love to hear them. Sorry for making you read such a long post, hehe

(I don’t know if sharing all this was too much, but I didn’t know another way to express it. I hope it helps with your answer)

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On "Where are all the ESFJs?"

Given that, statistically, ESFJs are one of the top two most populated types, I can see why their absence from the community would be notable to you. Yes, there can be a lot of harmful stereotyping and trash talking between types around the internet, but I make a concerted effort to avoid all that. I won't speak about other forums but only address my own blog.

There are certain types that generally prefer to speak to me in private and ESFJ is one of them. Based on private conversations, I gather that there are two main reasons behind the dearth of ESFJs here:

(1) I am N and my approach to the subject matter is very N most of the time, which doesn't always appeal to Ss. Perhaps it's not always easy for me to relate to the things that Ss go through, and vice versa. It's not anyone's fault but simply a matter of different preferences. Many Ns have expressed to me that my blog is a refuge or haven for them. Perhaps they feel outnumbered in the real world and it's nice to have a place where they can feel seen. But this can inadvertently make Ss feel excluded.

(2) My blog is predominantly about type development problems and ESFJs don't tend to like such a heavy emphasis on the "negative" or "critical" side of things, for reasons that you probably already understand. My study guides provide information about both the positive and negative sides for each type, but, overall, I do tend to speak more about the negative side because 1) it is an inescapable part of my type assessment method, and 2) most of the questions I get are about how to address the negative aspects of personality. The fact of the matter is that, in many cases, you must work through the negative aspects in order to bring out the positive aspects. But ESFJs are not always patient with this process.

On Dominant Fe

With regard to the personality problems that you've raised, it seems you are struggling with the core challenges of being ESFJ. As set out by the functional stack order, every type has a unique set of challenges that they need to overcome in order to grow and evolve (through the stages of ego development).

Early adulthood is the time of life for nurturing independence, via forging a strong personal identity and learning how to handle life on one's own. As you might imagine, this can be a difficult stage for EFJs because independence - striking out and standing out on one's own - isn't always compatible with dominant Fe goals.

As you've already experienced, going against your type preferences can be very painful, because it constitutes self-denial, even self-harm. What you've basically tried to do is turn your personality upside down, which is very dangerous in terms of type development, because it can land you in a sea of inferior grip problems. Generally speaking, the deeper people spiral in this direction, the more they come to hate themselves.

Luckily, at some point you realized there was a problem and tried to reverse course, but you haven't fully succeeded in finding the correct path yet. In theory, the correct path is to develop your functions in the correct order of your functional stack. It is important to remember that attempts to subvert the stack order tend to result in maladaptive thinking and/or dysfunctional behavior.

In a nutshell, although you have come far enough to understand that using Fe feels good, you still haven't learned how to use it optimally. This is a problem because you have to get to a certain level of function development before you are truly psychologically ready to move on to the next function in the stack. If development stalls at the dominant function, immaturity reigns.

What is "optimal" function use? I'll illustrate with an example: It is natural for Fe to use social comparison to understand people. In theory, if Fe aims for social harmony, people should not go to extremes of emphasizing their differences at the expense of their commonalities. As such, social comparison can be a useful tool in terms of informing Fe about how far away people are getting from each other, and then you can do something to bring them closer together whenever necessary.

Your way of using Fe doesn't really resemble the above, does it? You are more inclined to use social comparison to evaluate your self-worth and then beat yourself up about not measuring up to others. This is an immature expression of Fe that comes out of ego rather than growth. "Ego" basically means all you really care about is feeling good in the moment, everything else be damned. Ego is a very limited and limiting way to approach life.

As a general rule, when you use a function properly, the process of developing the function eventually leads you towards growth. But when you use a function immaturely, to play out unconscious ego conflicts and dramas, you are more likely to encounter difficulty with adjusting and adapting to life's challenges.

That being said, I hope you don't jump to the conclusion that I'm assigning "fault" or "blame". My only intention is to help you understand the problem, not to judge you or incite you to judge yourself. It's not your "fault" for misusing Fe per se.

Generally speaking, fault should only be assigned when one knows full well that something is wrong but proceeds to do it anyway. However, children don't always know right from wrong. Children are innocent and they are designed to quickly learn whatever their social environment teaches them.

You didn't know that contorting yourself to get validation was wrong. All you knew was that you wanted to obtain acceptance/love, same as every child. And whenever you couldn't obtain acceptance/love, you had to work for it by employing whatever strategies your very limited experience could come up with. Unfortunately, the strategy you chose was psychologically unhealthy.

On Auxiliary Si

As you grow up, you should be getting to know yourself better, which means using your experiences to get a better idea of what is good/bad for you - something that should come naturally to Si. If you aim to become a psychologically healthy adult, you must learn to be more mindful about making good choices for yourself.

In terms of type development, "good/bad" is not about being a good or bad person morally, so it shouldn't be about drowning in shame and punishing yourself for bad choices. It's really about learning how to take proper care of yourself, by listening to what your body is telling you. You don't have to go out of your way to punish yourself for bad choices because the "punishment" comes in the form of suffering ill health, mentally and/or physically.

As a child, your read on situations was too superficial, which is a flaw of immature Si. "Intelligence" isn't about appearances, is it? You may be impressed by the top student, but you wouldn't be as impressed if you found out they cheated on all their exams. Think more deeply about it and you'll realize that intellectual ability is actually about being able to learn well, understand comprehensively, and draw conclusions based on facts and evidence. It has nothing to do with getting praise, affirmation, or validation.

A truly intelligent person will stop doing something if it turns out to have negative consequences, because they honor the facts of the situation. Honoring the facts is something Si should do quite well.

For example, this old pattern of misusing Fe to endlessly chase validation hurts you, it has negative consequences. Thus, the first question facing you is: Will you give up Fe extremes for the sake of having healthy Fe? Unfortunately, the truth is that many people keep bad habits and harmful behavior, repeating the same negative patterns throughout life. Why is that?

(1) Humans are resistant to change, not necessarily because they hate change but because they have difficulty coping with the challenges of the unknown. Ideally, they ought to learn good coping strategies and confront change bravely. But the reality is they might not have enough opportunity to learn and/or also lack the social/emotional/moral support to persist in challenging themselves.

(2) Humans are reluctant to give up the "benefits" of bad habits. In reality, "good" and "bad" are not black-and-white concepts. "Bad" habits are not absolutely bad. Smoking calms you down, drinking helps you forget, bingeing brings you relief, etc. Similarly, "good" habits are not absolutely good. Changing for the better requires hard work, discipline, blood, sweat, and tears - not exactly fun all the time.

Both of these points relate to the next big challenge for ESFJs: auxiliary Si development. There are no perfect parents in this world, no perfect schools, no perfect child-rearing environments. All of us pick up bad habits throughout childhood. The issue is whether we can kick them as adults.

Unfortunately, unhealthy Si can make it difficult to kick bad habits because of deriving existential meaning and comfort from them. Si is a great function because, when used optimally, it promotes genuine contentment. It can help you be authentically yourself by allowing you to unapologetically stick with your personal preferences.

However, every function can be misused, and taking Si to extremes can counterintuitively sabotage contentment because of sinking too deep into monotony/stasis and then feeling dissatisfied. Thus, the second question facing you is: Are you willing to give up the comfort of the known for the sake of your future well-being and development? For example, are you willing to give up this past self that chases fake praise in order to live as a more authentic version of yourself?

On Intelligence

If you truly want to develop your intellectual abilities, you first have to understand what intelligence is, and most people don't. Most people think of intelligence in very superficial terms, like passing exams or winning contests or debating others into the ground.

First of all, do you understand that there are many intelligences and intelligence looks different for different people? ESFJs who suffer Fe extremes + underdeveloped Si don't understand the concept of individuality, not really. They tend to believe there should be one absolute objective measure/standard that applies to everyone. Life would be so easy then, wouldn't it?

Lack of understanding of individuality means immature ESFJs don't only have a superficial view of intelligence, but also far too narrow a view. Imagine if you believed that intelligence=math ability, then you would encourage everyone to become a math major. I don't know about you, but that's not a world I'd want to live in. Who would do every other job that needs doing?

Every time you look at someone and think "I wish I could be like them", you're basically holding them up as The Ideal. What you don't fully realize is that by doing this you're implicitly overlooking, even diminishing, everyone else's strengths, including your own.

It is not for me or anyone else to tell you what your strengths should be. It is your job to learn to look at yourself through the eyes of someone who searches for the good in every individual. In order to do this, you have to develop Si properly, to value every minute detail of each individual rather than try to make everyone fit into some fake universal ideal that your Fe+Ne created.

An important part of having healthy and mature dominant Fe is being able to help people find a positive way to contribute of themselves to the greater good. You won't be able to do that if you don't allow for people to find their own unique contributions. And this should begin with yourself.

The second point comes out of the first: One person can't be good at everything. Why? Because we are all born with our own unique set of limitations, both genetic and environmental.

If you were to make a list of all the things that humans could potentially be good at, it would be an extremely long list. It would be a fool's errand to attempt to develop every possible skill available to human beings. It would not only be frustrating, but it would also be an incredible waste of time and energy. Your time and energy would be much better spent developing the talents that you actually have an aptitude for.

What you have an aptitude for is only partly determined by personality. There are aptitudes that aren't related to personality, such as singing. Becoming an independent adult should involve granting yourself freedom to explore and discover more about your aptitudes and talents. Don't rely on people to tell you; get out into the world and try for yourself. And whenever you meet something that's not for you, let it go, rather than treating it like a failure to punish yourself for.

An important part of having healthy and mature Si is being able to focus your time and energy into the things that are most likely to produce a practical and tangible effect -> be realistic. You'll have difficulty being realistic as long as your eyes are always green with envy and you end up spreading yourself too thin into places you don't belong. You can't belong everywhere because you can't be good at everything. Once you understand this, you'll be capable of the simple pleasure of cheering human greatness from the sidelines.

On Type Development

Sensors don't always find my blog appealing because I'm very future-oriented. I believe one must nurture the ability to delay gratification, to make difficult decisions today in order to care properly for one's future self. But appeals to the future aren't always received well. For SJs, thinking about the future too much can provoke anxiety or dread, which is understandable.

However, there's no getting away from the fact that "development", "evolution", and "growth" are processes. Firstly, you need some idea of what you are working toward via longer term vision. Secondly, there are times when you have to put yourself through a bit of pain in order to keep the process moving forward, similar to dealing with muscle aches after exercising.

You're not asking the right questions. The way you frame your questions indicates you are still stuck in the mindset of trying to impress. While trying to impress is appropriate in some limited situations, it should not be the main motivation for type development. When you don't set the right intentions at the start of a journey, you are likely to end up in weird places.

Many people discover my Type Development Guide and try to put it into practice only to meet some seemingly invisible obstacles. This usually happens because there is some extraneous psychological factor (unconsciously) impeding their progress. For FJs, the extraneous factor tends to be related to low self-worth. Having low self-worth means they are chasing "self-improvement" not out of love but out of hate, self-hate. Unfortunately, it's hard to get something positive out of something negative like hate.

Attempting function development with extraneous factors operating unconsciously in the background means there is a higher chance of failure. These factors often need to be dealt with first, sometimes with the help of professional therapy. For instance, low self-worth colors your entire perspective on things and tends to lead you toward inappropriate life goals, which means you'll keep misusing functions to unhealthy ends. If you don't know why you have low self-worth or what to do about it, therapy is a good idea.

You won't get very far in your type development until you realize that your ultimate goal needs to change. You need to reflect on what else there is in life other than chasing validation. What else is important to you, or should be important to you? This is a question only you can answer, notably with the help of auxiliary Si development.

If you're looking to others to tell you what's important, you'll never become an independent adult, which leaves you always feeling a step behind. The problem with chasing others is that there will always be someone ahead of you. Perhaps it's a better idea to stop racing and reflect on what it is you would much rather be doing, and then commit to that instead.

One thing I've noticed about ESFJs over the years is that many tend to enter the door feeling very enthusiastic, but it doesn't last long. The ones who are prone to Ne loop tend to have very high hopes but get easily discouraged once they realize how much they have to utilize Si to anchor their type development.

For every type, the auxiliary function plays an essential role in growth. Ignore it at your peril. The study guides already go into the strengths and weaknesses of each type, as well as how to develop functions. Read, study, and digest at your own pace.

[mbti-notes]

Hello I’m 29 years old ENFP, I’m feel my Te just Burst out like I can handle task with efficiency, but also i have problem with looping, when looping I feels like I was judge everything and my thoughts to be wild like shows “ah he’s trying gonna to hurt me so i need keep guard” even sometimes locked myself to not being hurt (Ne I think?), also I impulsive to get things done according my thoughts cause often jump to conclusion without think twice about it and take Decisions so excessive. How to get handle this looping and sorry my English is broken because I’m not native English speaker, thank you

Generally speaking, struggling with tertiary loop and/or inferior grip indicates that the dominant function is unhealthy and the auxiliary function is underdeveloped. The remedy to this is to develop the functions properly, in the correct order of the functional stack. For example...

Starting with Ne: If you had more faith in your own creative powers, then you wouldn't take problems so seriously, because you'd be confident of being able to adapt and work around them. Life doesn't seem as hard and the past doesn't weigh you down as much when you can always maintain an optimistic and hopeful outlook.

Similarly with Fi: If you could be genuinely accepting, especially of the reality of yourself, then you wouldn't be so preoccupied with having to protect/prove anything, would you? Without the strong urge to protect/prove, would your decisions still be so "excessive"?

These concepts have already been covered in the study guides and previous ENFP related posts, I suggest you read through them to get more detail about function development.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello- INFP concerned about ISTJ uncle who was widowed last year. My auntie who died was ESFJ I think and he relied on her for everything social. His way of grieving seems to be to keep to himself and keep busy, not wanting to show it. But it seems a front to me. I recently asked how he was doing and he said he was thinking of ending it all, then tried to pass it off a sarcastic joke but I could see the grief clearly, I don't think he's doing so well at all but I'm at a loss for what to say.

We're kind of close and not close, it's hard to describe. I think being the only introverts in a loud family means we gravitate to each other when everyone's together. He's a decent guy and I've always found him easy company (and I think he does me?) but I can't say that we ever really *talked* in much depth because it's not his way. Now he's opened up to me more than I've seen him do.

Is throwing yourself into work to avoid dwelling on pain just how TJs deal with things? I don't think it's working for him honestly but I don't want to bother him being touchy feely or pushing him to open up either. I know for Si doms it's not easy to adjust to big life changes in general, on top of grieving. Thanks for reading

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Throwing oneself into work is generally a popular coping mechanism. STJs like it because of being able to ground oneself in a familiar routine. NTJs like it because it's a great distraction that also allows one to feel productive. As far as coping mechanisms go, it's not the worst thing to do, certainly better than substance abuse or getting into bar fights.

However, drowning oneself in work will take a toll on mental health when one goes too long without having any kind of personal life. The utter lack of personal life is the main problem, not so much the work itself. Personal life is where we ought to find the most meaning, fulfillment, and enjoyment. Work/career can be all those things to some extent, but it's not enough for full human flourishing.

While it might feel a bit weird to suddenly invite a relative out for an activity when you've never done it before, doing so could help him develop his personal life, at least until he's able to take more initiative for himself. You don't even have to get into any deep conversations with him, just enjoy an activity together. For example, maybe you suddenly came upon an extra ticket to an event, or maybe you have a common interest you could build upon, or maybe you and your family could invite him to dinner regularly, etc.

Feelings can't be avoided or ignored forever, at least, they shouldn't be. As a general rule, no matter the type, it's a good idea to talk about negative feelings in order to process them and hopefully get over the worst of them. However, the details of how to go about doing it will differ for each individual. And whether you can be the one they talk to will depend on the quality of your relationship with them.

It's generally NOT a good idea to talk about feelings too soon after a negative event because this can end up in PTSD or retraumatization. You have to give people time to catch a breath and establish some degree of psychological normalcy before trying to get them to open up and dive deep. Exactly what length of wait time is appropriate is up for debate. It really depends on the context. I would say that one year is generally enough time, though.

I think it's too easy to assume that TJs don't like talking about their feelings. In some cases, it's more accurate to say that they simply don't know how. For sure, they're not going to initiate the talk. However, if you're able to bring up the topic organically in conversation, you may find them more open to it than expected.

Personally, I've found that Ts are more open to talking about feelings when you: 1) give them enough time and space to find the right words, and 2) slowly ease into the conversation by starting on a more abstract or impersonal level. Your mileage may vary.

If, as INFP, you find it difficult to talk about feelings abstractly or impersonally, another thing you could do is start by talking about your own feelings, as a way to encourage mutual sharing. When you can be honest and vulnerable, you signal to others that it's okay for them to do the same. I'm sure your auntie's death has affected you too, so why not lead with that?

It can be awkward or uncomfortable to start these kinds of conversations but don't forget that people generally appreciate shows of care and kindness. IMHO, the world could always do with more care and kindness. A society is beyond wacky if it makes people hesitant to express their humanity, so don't settle for that.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: hello. I'm an enfp. I have a tendency to get very emotional when something doesn't go the way I wanted/expected, or if i see something upsetting on the news. some examples would be if i am writing a test and come across a question im unprepared for, or if im working on a project and am not able to figure out the code. it doesn't need to be a very big issue, but i almost always overthink and convince myself that im no good and it's the end of the world. i feel like i operate from a place of fear a lot of the time.

this has been happening for quite a few years now, and i have tried the other advices of writing in journals and sharing with loved ones. i think i have a good support system with my boyfriend and friends, but i can't expect them to console me on the same matter over and over.

so do you have any advice for building up emotional resilience? i understand that emotions are important and inevitable, but i would like to be able to handle them more calmly and with less spiraling out of control.

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Have you read the section on emotional intelligence and implemented the strategies? That would be the place to start.

Different people struggle with emotions for different reasons, and in different ways. Improving your emotional intelligence is partly about being able to reflect on your experiences and put feelings/emotions in the appropriate perspective.

In terms of emotional intelligence, overindulging auxiliary Fi leads EFPs to personalize feelings and emotions to an unhealthy degree and get trapped in subjectivity, unable to approach situations objectively. Unfortunately, this increases the chance of missteps and mistakes that make emotions worse in a vicious cycle.

By contrast, EFPs stuck in Te loop (due to having resisted auxiliary Fi development for too long) might suffer from something akin to depersonalization, which is a dissociative mental disorder. They are so removed from their feelings and emotions that they have little to no awareness of them, but nonetheless remain heavily influenced by them unconsciously. They basically go through the motions of life mindlessly because they cannot face up to their own vulnerability.

Conceptualizing emotional awareness as a spectrum: On the left pole, there are people who have no personal connection to their feelings whatsoever and, on the opposite pole, there are people who identify with their feelings to a pathological degree.

zero identification <-------> extreme identification

The general population is normally distributed along the spectrum, with most people falling in the middle rather than the extremes. If you're closer to the left pole, the solution would be to nurture emotional awareness, own your feelings, and get back in touch with emotional life. If you're closer to the right pole (and you are), the solution would be to de-personalize or distance from feelings in a healthy way, to take a long deep breath and approach feelings more objectively. The key to good mental health is you don't want to be on the extremes.

When you "take things too personally", it means your tendency is to immediately buy into and believe in whatever your feelings tell you. Thus, you must learn to pause, step back, lower the temperature, and free up enough mental space to work with feelings and emotions productively.

Emotions are physiological reactions, whereas feelings come out of the ways in which you interpret your emotions. Emotions cannot be helped, but feelings can absolutely be adjusted by anyone with the courage and intelligence to confront and interact with them. When people say they "overthink", they are in the process of trying to interpret their feelings, usually struggling to see beyond the most rudimentary or literal interpretation of them.

In relation to Fi, feelings are judgments. And they can be very poor judgments. What's the difference between a good and a bad judgment? In simple terms: Validity. A judgment is valid only to the extent that it is based on adequate reasoning and sufficient evidence.

There is a concept called "reasoning with your feelings". If feelings are judgments, then what you're really doing is drawing conclusions. Draw the same conclusion enough times and it becomes a firm belief of yours. To ensure valid conclusions and, by extension, valid personal beliefs, you have to engage critically with feeling-judgments, to examine and analyze them for factuality and truthfulness. This requires you to improve your critical thinking skills. Without these skills, you'll always have to rely on others to console you.

As an example, many people react to failure with shame. Shame is about evaluating your worthiness. When you experience low self-esteem after a failure, what you're doing is making judgments about yourself, which basically sounds like shit-talking yourself. But are those judgments valid, arrived at through logical reasoning and supported by appropriate evidence?

When you are completely identified with your feelings, you just believe in them without a second thought. But in most cases, knee-jerk feeling-judgments are not based on anything but momentary frustration. The "evidence" collected is but a tiny, tiny slice of the bigger picture. What's worse, knee-jerk feeling-judgments get abnormally fixated on minor/trivial details and become self-justifying, actively ignoring all counter-evidence.

For instance, it is common for people responding badly to failure to immediately remember all the painful times they have failed but completely ignore all the happy times they succeeded in life. A large portion of the human brain is designed for survival, such that negative emotions are always more salient and easier to recall.

The more you allow knee-jerk feelings to run wild and expand into increasingly negative judgments of yourself, the deeper you sink into self-loathing. What you should be doing instead is stepping back to get a more objective view of yourself and/or the situation, using every aspect of your history and/or every factor relevant to the situation to perform a measured and reasonable evaluation, to take FULL stock rather than proceed with a biased, limited, or extreme perspective.

When you engage feelings/emotions with more care and thoughtfulness, rather than just running off to marry the first knee-jerk reaction, you'll be able to put feelings in the right perspective and won't be as easily driven by them. This is what it takes to have a healthier relationship with your emotional life.

In terms of type development, the issue you describe comes from: 1) having a perspective that is too small/narrow due to underdeveloped Fi, and 2) not being able to take a larger, bigger-picture perspective due to lacking the awareness to use Ne optimally. And if Ne shuts down too easily and too often, Si grip is not far away.