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mbti-notes · 3 days ago

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Anon wrote: Hello, I really like your blog and have read your posts a lot over the years, so I respect your writing and perspectives. I was wondering if you could help me distinguish my type — I will be comparing INFP to ISTJ. I have narrowed down my functions to Fi, Si, Ne, and Te but I am unsure of the order.

Before I get into the details I will say I have experienced severe trauma and abuse in my childhood and into my early 20s, I think this definitely has impacted my development to varying degrees. I have complex PTSD from multiple traumatic events and in times of stress when my symptoms are heightened I don’t act like a mature or healthy version of whichever type I am. I also am autistic. I’m in my mid 20s. This is really long so I thank you for your time if you read through it all. I tried to give as much information as possible following the function theory guide, but as a result it is super lengthy.

For INFP, following the function theory guide I think I have dominant Fi because;

My feelings do strongly inform everything about my life. My attitude overall and on a day to day basis is heavily informed and directed by my inner emotional state. However sometimes this can be to my detriment if I am ruminating on something. My attachments, likes, dislikes etc. are all informed by my feelings. To be honest I don’t understand how those things wouldn’t be informed by feelings — how do you know whether you like something or not if you don’t know how you feel about it? And I would say my decision making is also heavily influenced by how I feel about things, though I can be practical or reasonable especially these days. When I was younger, especially as a teenager I was very impulsive and would often act solely on my feelings. I tend to have knee jerk emotional responses to things if I feel like they go against what I believe in and I have really had to learn how to pick my battles because I got into a lot of conflicts in my mid teens to early 20s. I am still learning how to do this, I think I’ll never stop learning it. It is very difficult to ignore my feelings or go against them. I think I can ignore my feelings if I have to in a certain situation but I always end up falling apart later and it feels like everything spills out at once. I can’t really go against my feelings. I mean, I suppose I could in a literal sense. For example I think murder is wrong and is always bad no matter what. But if someone tried to murder my loved one and my only choice to save their life was to murder the attacker I would do it. It goes against everything I believe in and stand for though and I would be disgusted with myself. I would genuinely struggle for the rest of my life to cope with it, even though I wouldn’t regret saving my loved one and wouldn’t have hesitated to do it. Another example is for me personally, stealing is a hard no. Once I had a friend put a carrot in my grocery bag without me knowing whilst I was paying and as a result I didn’t pay for it. They thought it would be funny and not a big deal because it was just one carrot but when they told me after we had left I was really angry that my agency was taken from me and I was forced unknowingly to steal something when this friend knew stealing was against my values. It felt cruel.

It is really important to me to honour my feelings/opinions/beliefs and values in everything I do. I can’t imagine myself not being that way. And any time I’ve abandoned myself to try to please or impress others I feel like I don’t even know who I am. I need to honour myself in my day to day life to have purpose. I feel like I am nothing without my principles. My partner said if I could be summed up in one word it would be integrity, and that he has never met someone who is so unwaveringly dedicated to their moral values and beliefs. (Not trying to sound up myself, just trying to give examples lol). I do easily become offended in situations that don’t honour people’s unique experiences. I tend to argue with people if I feel like they’ve judged another person, not considered their perspective or potential life story and how that might impact their behaviour etc. An easy example that annoys me often is people commenting on if they think someone has had cosmetic work done, and criticising them for it. Who cares? Like, let them do what they want, it’s their body and literally doesn’t impact us at all. If someone personally finds it physically unattractive that’s fine but you don’t need to announce it and look down on someone for having cosmetic procedures. Just don’t date people you don’t find attractive. I personally wouldn’t get cosmetic work done but I don’t care if other people do because it doesn’t affect my life at all! And I feel like women especially are criticised for getting cosmetic work done, when all our lives we are subconsciously and consciously influenced by the media and people in general to conform to a beauty standard. Then women have procedures done to fit that standard, and they become a source of ridicule? It is a pet peeve of mine lol. It doesn't feel fair or right. I think as long as we aren’t harming anyone people should be able to live and let live. I get annoyed when others are judgemental. It feels unnecessary. At the same time, I know I am a person with faults too and I can definitely be judgemental! Like judging people who judge others, or judging people if their morals don’t align with mine or their behaviour goes against something I believe in. It took me a long time to realise I’m equally as judgemental as other people can be, I just arrogantly felt like the judgements I made were ‘right’ or more valid somehow. And I think when I was younger I loved to stir the pot and the status quo if a situation felt soulless to me, but in social settings I no longer do that because it isn’t worth the conflict. I just try to mind my own business. I can’t say the same for one on one interactions with people I am really close to though. If my partner and I watch a movie or a series and there is a really emotional moving scene, I picture myself living that reality or I remember something similar I have experienced and I can get really emotional about it. If my partner shows no emotional response sometimes I try to press him to react because I don’t understand why he isn’t emotionally affected. Oftentimes he can be or is, but just doesn’t show it the same way I do. I’ll be like “I don’t understand how you don’t feel X! Why aren’t you feeling Y? Isn’t it making you emotional? Where is your passion! I don’t get it!” Which is probably super annoying. That’s something I need to work on, it’s hypocritical of me to be ‘live and let live’ and then get frustrated when people don’t react the way I think they should just because it’s not the way I react lol.

I would say largely I am in touch with how I feel, but not always. Sometimes I’m not always right off the mark and I need to journal or reflect to really get there if it’s a complex thing. But generally yeah I am aware of my moods and feelings and know when something feels good or bad etc. I just sometimes need time to reflect to figure out WHY I feel how I feel if it’s complicated or relates to a past trauma for example. I enjoy expressing myself creatively! I write creatively and I make visual art. I also sing, I play guitar too although I’m not too good at it. I love music, it feels like living. Writing is my biggest outlet for my emotions. The rest are more like hobbies. I think when I was younger I was more inclined to assume there was something ’not right’ with people who appear to lack feeling because I do link it to humanity. And of course with the example of my partner earlier when we watch shows or movies, I get the feeling that I need to see emotion from someone to feel like they have passion for life or for a socio-political cause or something. I struggle in philosophical debates about a social cause I care about because sometimes the philosophical debate takes away the human aspect and feels cold. But I’m also learning everyone expresses themselves in different ways and I think we all feel things to varying degrees. Who am I to say what’s right or wrong about someone’s self expression. I don’t know though, on paper I can say this stuff but I know in practice I don’t follow it perfectly (like my example). I guess it’s part of being human, we’re always growing and learning!

I definitely feel alienated when I feel low. I sometimes feel like the loneliest person in the world even when it’s not true. I tend to lose sight of and forget that I have supports in my life and can feel like it’s me against the world. To be fair I think it’s also a trauma response sometimes. I feel frustrated when I feel misunderstood and I tend to be more likely to feel misunderstood if I am low, whether or not I actually am being misunderstood in reality. I definitely need a lot of time alone to work through and think about my feelings and can’t be productive until my emotional state is settled again. I found it very difficult to open up about my emotions for most of my life and still do in a lot of ways, even though I feel very deeply all the time. When I was younger I wrote a lot more to work through my feelings, I’m a bit better at talking about my feelings and communicating these days. I went to therapy (and still do) for trauma. I refused to cry for years and suppressed my tears because it made me feel weak and vulnerable. I also took years to tell my therapist some of my worst traumatic experiences I have had, even though that was part of why I was going! I like to keep things to myself and most people don’t know my emotions too well. I guess that’s why I can sometimes feel lonely, even when I have friends. I don’t let them know me because I think I am afraid to. I also am just private and it doesn’t feel natural. But my partner knows me better than anyone, and I use my writing a lot to express myself with him. I write lots of letters and poems and prose for him. I think writing exposes my soul and it feels very intimate so I rarely share it with anybody. They have to be very special to me.

I don’t think that I dislike people who seem conforming — I don’t really care if people conform as long as they’re happy and I feel like judging people for being conforming comes across as having a superiority complex about being different lol. However, I do think it is important to question society’s values and to engage in personal reflection and decide what we believe rather than being told what to believe and following blindly. For example ever since I was young (under the age of 10) I knew my values on some social issues didn’t align with my parents’ values and I spoke out against them when it came up. As soon as I could think and feel for myself I did. I think major changes in the history of humanity have come from questioning and challenging the status quo, but I don’t think we need to judge people for conforming to trends if it makes them happy and doesn’t harm people. I do tend to dislike people who seem nosy and intrusive (thought process tends to be: why do you care so much about my business and what I’m doing? Stop interrogating me and inserting yourself into my life, focus on your own life!). I have quietly cut people out of my life for being nosy before. I also dislike people who seem inauthentic and insincere, even more so when everybody else seems to love them and not see what I’m seeing. I cannot stand disrespect and always call it out even at my own expense. It just goes against my morals/values. People being unfeeling doesn’t bother me as much as it used to but it still bothers me and I can stew on things if someone has wronged myself or a loved one in a way I consider heartless.

I am very sensitive to being considered fragile or weak. It really upsets me especially given my history of trauma, I honestly feel like if people knew what I lived through they would know that I’m so much more resilient than I might seem. My partner and some close people in my life who truly know my story have said I am the most resilient person they have met or that they have never seen such resilience before. I appreciate that, and I like feeling seen like that. But in my day to day life I don't want to tell my ~story to everyone because I don't want to be seen as broken or damaged. I want people to know me for who I really am and for who I have grown into rather than what I have endured. It's a double edged sword I think, I can't really have both or I don't know how to. I can come across as overly sensitive (I was very sensitive as a kid too) and maybe I am, but with the context of my life I think it’s justified. I just don’t tell people about my past and my trauma so they don’t know and make assumptions about me. There’s nothing wrong with being emotional either, I think it can be a strength — though it has taken me many years to start thinking this way rather than seeing my emotions as a weakness. I got criticised heavily for being moralising and self righteous within my family and it really annoyed me and still does if it happens. I get passionate about the things that matter to me and I fight for the causes I believe in. But I have learned with age that there is a way to go about these things, and in the past I didn’t always do it that way. You can’t attack people and make them feel like a bad person and then expect them to agree with your cause. People naturally get defensive when they feel attacked. I’ve learned to have better communication skills but I definitely still get riled up and can be very hard to reason with, though I’d hate to hear it or admit it in the heat of the moment.

Following the function theory guide, I think I have auxiliary Ne because;

In the way of resisting Ne development, I can relate on multiple levels. I become very withdrawn into myself, lose the ability to come up with new ideas or innovate (and wonder if I ever had the ability to come up with new ideas in the first place, or if I was just a fake and was never good enough). I become very rigid and confined and stick to my comfort zone, almost agoraphobic sometimes and avoiding new experiences like the plague. I start saying that hope is the worst thing that can happen to a person, that I refuse to have hope ever again, etc. I think it’s fear of disappointment and being hurt and feeling inadequate or feeling shame. I just can’t bring myself to hope for anything because it’s easier to handle disappointment than it is to handle hope and the subsequent loss of that hope. It makes me feel foolish and ashamed being put in that position. I hate relying on or needing other people, and I think sometimes hope leads to that reliance so when it doesn’t work out it makes me angry at myself for being so ’stupid’ so as to trust or rely on another.

In the way of overindulging in Ne development, I can relate in the following ways — I imagine running away from my life. I think about starting over, moving overseas where no one knows me. Or living in a van. I want to do something drastic and I feel trapped in my life, it feels like I need something new. Even when I know it’s impractical, it’s like my desperation outweighs all else. I start and stop new projects or ideas constantly but can’t bring anything to fruition because I lose motivation and interest. I spend ages researching new career ideas etc. and then abandon them when I come back to reality, feeling even more trapped and defeated.

For healthy Ne, these are the ways I can relate; I generally am considered an optimistic person. (Everyone has their moments). I am very helpful and good at problem solving especially for people close to me. I get lots of people out of difficult situations and I am proud of doing it, especially when I come up with solutions they hadn’t thought of yet. (Sometimes my solution is just googling what to do while people are freaking out but at the end of the day if the problem is solved and we're all happy… that’s good!). My work fields are almost always in areas which align with my moral values, I feel like I am doing something positive with my life and it gives me purpose. If work doesn’t align with my values or beliefs I find it extremely hard to stay motivated. I love getting to inspire people to become better versions of themselves and I want to do the same. I love when everyone is growing and improving their personal development. I have been told by a lot of people that I have changed them for the better or made them a better person. I actually had an experience once where I found someone’s lost phone. I went to a lot of effort to figure out who owned the phone, I took it home and kept it charged etc etc. Eventually I was able to speak to the person’s boss over the phone. I handed the phone in to the person’s workplace, but never got to meet the person. It didn't feel like a big deal to me to do that, I would've been so upset if I lost my phone and I would've hoped someone would help me find it too! 3 years later I randomly got a message on social media from this person, thanking me and telling me I actually made them a better person. They sent me a screenshot of a conversation they had with somebody 2 years after I had found their phone, where they had returned that person’s wallet. They wrote to the person that once someone had gone through a lot of effort to do the same for them. I was so touched that I had made such an impact on this person that they remembered it for years and it changed their behaviour in some way. I think it’s a good take-away, that no matter how small what we do is, we can still change the world with simple acts of kindness! At my best I think I can find the good within the bad. I’m best at doing it when I am helping other people, and worst at doing it when it’s for myself.

Following the function theory guide, the reason I think I have tertiary Si;

For Si loops, I definitely lose sight of and can’t see that my pessimism causes me to miss out on good opportunities. I don’t notice good opportunities or I do and ignore or dismiss them. I become self pitying and refuse to listen to anyone who tries to tell me that my pessimism is making me miss out essentially. I feel like “they just don’t understand” and knowingly dismiss their valid points. I ruminate a lot on the past, both my own mistakes and mistakes of others. I can’t get out of my own head and feel trapped. I am very risk averse when I’m in this state — though generally I’m quite risk averse and overly cautious lol. But I definitely am more risk averse than is healthy in these circumstances. I basically refuse to get outside of my comfort zone, no one can convince me otherwise. I have to get there myself. I relate everything back to negative past experiences and use them as excuses not to do things. I become extremely irrational about doing things my way and very fussy — I can snap at or be short with loved ones if they don’t do things the way I feel like it needs to be done in the moment and I regret it and feel immense shame later. I do always apologise for my behaviour after the fact though. I can’t take criticism or admit that I’m wrong even when I know I am because it’s too embarrassing. I cling to my wrong argument even though I know I’m making a fool of myself and I can’t stop. And yeah, basically I’d do anything to protect my own comfort, safety and wellbeing. The world feels unsafe and threatening. All of this sounds so dramatic and so bad but I really have been and do get like this especially under stress. It leads to feelings of self hate and shame too so it really spirals out of control. I have gotten better though, it still happens but I'm able to take accountability and apologise for my behaviour.

Following the function theory guide, the reasons I think I have inferior Te are;

For dominant Fi extremes; I avoid problems out of fear and anxiety if they overwhelm me, and end up with really long running issues that would have been really easy to solve if I had done it immediately. I make mountains out of molehills sometimes and make tasks feel much harder than they are in reality and can require someone’s input on how to break a task down to be able to move forward. My lifestyle honestly doesn’t get too messy though unless things are really really bad. I tend to be known for being organised and this only falls apart when I am overwhelmed and stressed like I described above. And the stress that causes it is usually extreme — for example after a sexual assault, after escaping domestic violence, during a period of homelessness with no income etc. I feel like all things considered I usually do pretty well to have my life together. I feel like most people would have struggled in those situations.

For loss of normal/healthy Fi function; I definitely feel like who I am is a liability. I cry a lot about it, I feel low and worthless and like people would be better off without me. I am incapable of seeing or remembering any of my good qualities because all I can see are my glaring failures. I don’t even think I have good qualities when I feel like that. I feel hopeless, weak and like a failure and it feels pointless to even try anything because I think I know there is no point, even when rationally that isn’t true.

For out of character Te grip tendencies; I do become unusually blunt, though as a person I tend to be quite blunt and straightforward. But not in a rude way. I wouldn’t say I’m aggressive but I have a shorter patience. I can become completely cold towards others which is very uncharacteristic. If someone has crossed a line irreparably I become emotionless towards them, calmly tell them why I no longer want them in my life and then never speak to them again lol. With people who stay in my life I just tend to snap at them and be very nit picky. It’s very different to my normal demeanour which people have always described as compassionate, warm and friendly. Someone close to me when asked what I’m like often says “to know her is to love her” which I think is sweet. And certainly not how I feel I deserve to be thought of when I am in this sort of state. I blame others easily even when I know they don’t deserve it, I pick fights for the sake of it. I am overly pedantic. One of my worst fears and most unbearable feelings is the feeling of being a failure, I cry about it when I’m like this and I can’t take any validation because it all feels like lies in the moment, I feel like me being a failure is an objective fact.

Now onto ISTJ, according to the function theory guide, the reason I think I have dominant Si is

I feel most at ease when sensory details are to my liking. For example, warm soft lighting, quiet spaces, my comfort clothes and favourite foods and drinks. I like things to be the way I like them and I struggle when they aren’t. I am thrown by physical discomfort to the point that if my elbows get wet or my sleeves get wet whilst I’m washing dishes I get so uncomfortable I need to go change my shirt lol. I can’t stand it. I don’t like being out of my comfort zone in new environments especially socially. I try to prepare myself in advance as much as I can. Examples are looking at guest/invite lists to know who to expect, looking at menus for restaurants before I go there so I can plan what to order, researching an event before I attend it so I know what to expect etc.

I proceed with trepidation in new and unfamiliar situations for sure. Like I mentioned above I do extensive research to prepare myself so that I have some idea of what to do. I relate things back to my own past experiences a lot to know how to proceed and if I have nothing then I research it externally. I don’t necessarily always believe that a new untested approach is too risky because I know risks are a part of life and a part of growth, intellectually I know that. I guess I don’t behave like that though. Unless I’m being impulsive but I tend to be pretty responsible and have always been ’the responsible one’ and the problem solver for everyone in my life.

I am a creature of habit for sure. I’m the sort of person who eats the same thing at the same restaurant every time etc. I like my routines and rituals — they’re personal to me and have meaning to me, and I feel like they recharge me so they are an essential part of my life. I am resistant to being interrupted or having my routine changed and it is hard for me to recalibrate myself and move forward.

When I’m low I can become nit-picky about small details and overly critical. I do compare my current negative circumstances to positive past experiences, I think in a sort of bittersweet nostalgic way. Like I didn’t know how good things were or didn’t appreciate them at the time. But also sometimes I feel hopeless, like things will never be the same as they were and I look to past experiences that went poorly and then assume a current situation will have the same result. Mostly when I’m low I think I catastrophise and have low self worth though lol. Also I do think the richness of my life is heavily defined by my memories! I don’t imagine how it couldn’t be. I’m made of my memories. I have a very precise and detailed vivid memory, it usually impresses people. I’m very good at watching mystery TV shows because of my attention to detail and my memory, people always comment on it because I solve and connect the dots very quickly. I also easily remember the important dates and appointments of people in my life and am sort of a human calendar for my partner lol he is quite forgetful. I think every experience I’ve had and every memory I’ve made has shaped me into the person I am now. I know I have gone through unspeakable traumas and some days the weight of it is crushing. But I don’t think I’d change it when I really sit and think about it. I wouldn’t be the person I am now if I didn’t go through those things. There is always something to learn from our past experiences, something to take into the future. But sometimes I really struggle to live in the present. Sometimes I get stuck in the past. Sometimes I am in a beautiful moment and all I can think is how excited I am to have this memory one day. The past heavily influences my worldview and decision making process. I will say I am quite proud of myself that in spite of everything I went through, I tend to see the best in others and assume good intentions. I don’t think I should have to assume the worst in everyone just because some people do bad things. BUT when it relates to certain things that matter to me deeply and that I have had past negative experiences with I can be very hesitant, cautious, a bit judgemental etc. I can get very protective over loved ones if I have had a bad experience in a similar situation that they are wanting to engage in and I try to ‘protect' them from it, which I know can come off as controlling. I’m learning I can’t control everything even when I want to. I was forced to parent my siblings and shield them from abuse so I think I have a sense of responsibility I might not otherwise have had, and it’s transferred into many areas of my life as a result.

I do get frustrated with people who are impractical and irresponsible. I don’t like inconsistency either. I think I get frustrated at cleaning up other people’s messes. When people come to me having made impractical choices or acted irresponsibly and asking me what to do I get resentful, because I tend to always end up in a position where I am the fixer. My patience for it is thin, but I know it’s a me problem. It generally only happens with people close to me who repeatedly act irresponsibly and expect me to clean up their mistakes. I can and should (and sometimes do!) communicate openly, I just find it hard to do sometimes if there is a long complex history, like with my siblings. To them I am the parental figure, even if we are only a couple years apart in age and adults now. I don’t yet know how to change this. Inconsistency bothers me because I don’t like when people behave one way with me and another way in front of others. Or seem to lack self control and self discipline. I just wish they would know who they are and stick to it — so it’s ironic that I’m asking you to help tell me who I am in a sense.

I am sensitive to and have been referred to as meek, a worrywart, inflexible and a hypochondriac lol. I think I can be adventurous but in small ways. I love trying lots of weird foods that many people would be grossed out by. I love travelling and day trips. But I would never sky dive, because it seems pointlessly risky and dangerous. I think speeding whilst driving is dangerous and irresponsible, and that people who do it for fun are putting the lives of everyone on the road at risk (and their own life) just for a cheap thrill. So I am judgemental of that, and honestly I am not sorry about it. I don’t think I’m meek but it’s been said. I am a worrywart and I know it. I own it lol. It’s just a part of who I am. I don’t personally think I’m boring but I am relatively boring for my age group, I used to be really upset about it because my peers dismissed me due to my choice to go sober. Now I don’t care because I feel way healthier, it’s been 6 years and I've saved so much money lol. When I am feeling low I ruminate on people thinking I’m boring sometimes.

Following the function theory guide, I think I have auxiliary Te because;

I can relate to resisting Te development because I can be reluctant to face facts during decision making. I think if I want to do a certain thing or think I know the right way to do it I don’t want to be shown or told that I’m wrong. I just want to do it my way. I can definitely be reluctant to admit responsibility at times and especially when I was younger. I didn’t want to be responsible for things so I just avoided them and pretended they didn’t exist lol. Like assignments at school for example, or chores. I waited until the last second. I also really struggle to accept mistakes and failures. I always have. I am extremely hard on myself when I make a mistake or have a perceived failure. I feel immense guilt, shame and embarrassment. I really struggle to get out of it. However I don’t think I have poor leadership or teamwork abilities. I’m actually good at those things! I have always done team based work and I think it is so important in those settings to work collaboratively and supportively. I liked being able to train and help newer staff members or students on work placement to learn the ropes. And at smaller businesses when I was still studying I always ended up falling into leadership roles or acting as manager because I had good ideas that I would express to my higher ups, or I would take on extra responsibilities because I could come up with more effective and efficient ways to do things.

In regards to overindulging in Te development, I can definitely be extremely inflexible especially under stress. I refuse to change ideas or plans and will freak out over it. Like I will cry about it and lose the plot lol. If I am stressed I need my plans and routines to stay the way I expect them to be. I have definitely been a workaholic at the expense of my personal life. I have defined my entire worth as a human being on my work before and it destroyed me and actually led to a suicide attempt and 2 month hospitalisation when my work life fell apart. In part I really think that I was trying to be someone I wasn’t though. I tried to get a ‘real job’ and be the person I thought everyone else needed me to be. I abandoned myself and tried so hard to fit in to society in a way that I just don’t, but for once people really recognised me. People respected me and were proud of me and I guess I lost sight of myself and my identity in chasing that. I didn’t even know who I was anymore, I completely changed myself to fit in. It took over a year to start to shake this excessive care about what other people thought of me. I never used to be like that. No job is worth my life lol. I tried again at another company in the same field, and I saw the way people treated others in the field was the same. I decided I don’t want to be a part of something or be associated with something that treats people that way. So now in my mid 20s I have to start over and find a new path but at least I’m alive, that’s a gift. Anyway I can also be a very black/white thinker under stress or if I’m fired up lol but generally I do think I am pretty good at seeing the grey areas and the nuances.

In regards to healthy Te development, I think striving for healthy well rounded goals is something I am working on. I was very extreme there lol. But I do have a great work ethic and I always have. I have always been a highly valued worker. I work hard when I care about what I do and I give 100%. I am dedicated and I want to do well. I take pride in my work, it makes me feel valued and gives me purpose. I can be competitive (as a kid I was extremely competitive and HAD to win) but now I am more healthy in my competitiveness and I think it makes me driven and motivated. I love feedback because it teaches me how to be better, I always ask for feedback at work even when my employers don’t have any sometimes lol because I want to know how I can be better. I do it in my personal life and relationships too. I want to be the best version of myself that I can, and I think feedback helps me achieve that. I am very good at and love organising and scheduling things in the most efficient way. So I am great at planning holidays and vacations, I make itineraries and colour code everything lol. It’s something I’ve gotten a lot better at with age. I have worked jobs since I was 13 non stop to support myself so I think in workplaces I am good with that sort of stuff because I had to be and it’s only recently started to spill into my personal life. Though due to my upbringing and my past, my survival also depended on me being organised so I think that helped a bit too.

Following the function theory guide, I think I have tertiary Fi because;

I really struggle when I am under stress to see that a black and white approach to life worsens problems. I get into conflicts over it because I think so starkly that things are good vs bad, wrong vs right. I am impatient at hearing nuanced perspectives and have this “you’re either with me or against me” feeling. I become very easily frustrated by challenges and take the results personally. If I fail it feels like the worst thing in the world. If I can’t do something the ‘right’ way or the way I think I should be able to do it I am a failure, no matter that failure is subjective or a potential path to success. I am overwhelmed by guilt and shame and embarrassment. When I was younger I could not learn from my mistakes because I didn’t want to accept negative results. I kept trying to cling to my wrong arguments or wrong ways of doing things. I had too much pride, I think. I would keep going, knowing I was wrong and had lost in the situation but I was too prideful to admit it. And I couldn’t handle the shame or embarrassment that came with it. That weakness, that admission that I was not perfect or good enough or smart enough. I doubled down, like I knew better or was better just because of my ‘moral compass’. Sometimes me and the other person would end up on the same side arguing the same point but I couldn’t let go of the initial disagreement so I continued to create conflict even though I knew it was pointless. If I stated my stance on an issue based purely on my emotions and moral justifications and was asked for proof I got very defensive if I didn’t have any or became flustered by the question and lashed out. And yeah, I couldn’t (and sometimes still can’t) accept good advice because I judge it as too hard and too complicated. I think I know what to do already so I get angry when told what to do because I suppose it makes me feel like they think I’m incompetent. Even when it is well intentioned. I don’t think I worry too much about compromising myself or my integrity. I know what matters to me. But I know I have compromised it before to my own detriment, and I am trying to unlearn the feeling that I need to please others to be worthy.

Following the function theory guide, I think I have inferior Ne because;

During times of dominant Si extremes I do think I become overly conventional. I stop following who I really am in order to fit the mould of society or what I think people expect of me. I can be extremely stubborn. I have been stubborn all my life — it is situational but I do have a tendency to double down if I feel like I am being told what to do or if my agency is being taken away. I might deliberately do the opposite of what I am told to do if I feel like it was said in a rude or demanding way because I don't like being told what to do. I become fearful and resistant to change because it is uncomfortable and feels unsafe. Predictability is safe even though it leads to stagnation and it takes me a while to pull myself out when it happens. I act agoraphobic and get to a point where I actually don’t want to leave the house or my comfort zone and am afraid of other people because it is so draining to interact. I become pessimistic which is unlike me, I am usually optimistic. At work people would say how are you so happy all of the time? And my patients always commented on how friendly or warm I was etc. I tend to try and see the best in things when I am at my best. When I am at my worst I am incapable of it.

For loss of normal and healthy Si functioning, I do feel a nagging discomfort that my life is lacking or boring. I get this itch to throw my life on its head and start over or do something really spontaneous and exciting and new and fun because I want to feel alive. I struggle to focus on things when I have low motivation for life and when it feels boring or hopeless. And I am more rigid than usual, so thoughts of change really stress me out and I don’t feel capable of handling them. I avoid social situations when I’m like that.

For out of character Ne grip tendencies, I do become easily moody. I pick arguments over small things because I am bored I think, and because I want a sense of control. I feel insecure about myself and my life, I start to think I’m not good enough and compare myself and my life to other people’s lives. I wonder if I’m a boring person just because I am (what I consider) responsible and practical. I don’t like taking unnecessary risks that feel unsafe, and sometimes it makes me think I’m boring. I can be careless in the sense that I spend money more than I normally do, even if I know it’s irresponsible. When I was younger I was a lot more impulsive and irresponsible especially in my teens. I drank a lot and partied and acted very out of character. I had always been really practical and thought about the long term consequences of my actions and the actions of those around me but back then I didn’t care. I thought I deserved to let loose like everyone else my age. I catastrophise a lot. It’s my go to. I imagine the worst case scenario almost immediately and people struggle to talk me out of it. I think trauma does play a role in this though — I am often mentally referencing genuine past life threatening situations and it is easy to just jump to conclusions. I’m working on it in therapy. But I even do things like I spent a stupid amount of money on some website to write a will before a flight overseas because I started imagining I was going to die in a plane crash. I was like 22 and had barely any assets lmao. I get anxious thinking about the future I think in a way because there are so many opportunities. Life doesn’t feel long enough for me to try all of the things I want to do. I want to be so many things in my life and I don’t know how I’ll find the time! It’s like Sylvia Plath’s fig tree analogy. I worry that if I choose one path it’s my path, and I forget that I have the agency over my life to just choose something else sometimes. I do also get taken by outlandish ideas when bored, I guess like researching van life because I want to escape haha. And I can become unrealistic in thinking about the future and then my practicality kicks in and I give up on what I felt like were my dreams or hopes. I just want to do so many things with my life and I wish time and the human lifespan didn’t limit me.

Anyway, thank you so much if you have read this far, I know it was very long. I hope I provided enough information that was relevant. I would really appreciate your input as I value your opinions a lot! I feel like I tried to be as honest as possible especially about my faults.

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It's not very long for me as I'm a fast reader, but it probably felt long for you to write. The more important point is the quality of the info provided. You followed the guide very closely (good job), so there was more than enough info for me to do a proper analysis. I appreciate you inserting details about mental health problems and past traumas throughout because it really helped me separate out what is really you versus what is merely compensatory behavior.

INFP and ISTJ are both introverted and share the same functions but in different order, so I can see why you got caught between them. When I read the INFP case, all the pieces of the puzzle fit together impeccably to unveil a beautiful portrait. When I read the ISTJ case, it was like I had a bunch of random pieces that I wasn't sure were part of the same puzzle but I nevertheless had to try to jam them all together only to end up with a very wonky image. If you're INFP, everything you've said makes perfect sense. If you're ISTJ, you'd be a very, very weird looking one.

Your work was even good enough for me to conclude there is no other type that would fit better than INFP, which usually indicates the correct type has been found. I agree that you have demonstrated great resiliency. In terms of type development, it sounds like you are mostly aware of the things you need to work on, so your challenge is to keep up learning and progressing, through Ne development.

#assessment #infp #istj #ask

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mbti-notes · 10 days ago

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Anon wrote: Hi, I’m writing for you because I need help with social struggles/skills. I’m an autistic ADHD IXFJ (prob looping), I’m struggling with identifying the limits between keeping and leaving friendships. I worked to have better and genuine social interactions, however, I never know when I should forgive people’s disrespect or not, or when it’s worth it to keep a friendship. Do you have any idea of how to “behave” in this sort of situation?

People do harm to me sometimes, but I’m quick to search for their shoes and understand why they did it. Most of times, conflicts happens by poor communication, or by accident, not by bad intentions (I don’t use it as a defense to justify keeping a friendship, actually I often do a lot of effort to collect data to find a conclusion, talking to the other part clearly and involving a third part when needed). But when/how much should someone take the others context or difficulties into consideration when judging to leave or not a friendship? I get confused about this. I learnt that the “am I sad or not by the situation” is not enough criteria, since sometimes people repeat bad behavior, however I still lost in this process.

That thoughts happened to me because lately someone very important to me hurt me badly, I know this person is not bad intentioned, however she struggles with egocentrism and things like that, so it’s incapable of realizing it, even though I tell her so (what I did). I understood her and wished to keep the friendship because, as far as I know her, she’s not bad intentioned and care about me, she’s also doing therapy and progress about these concerns.

However, my friends are mad at me because I decided to keep the friendship by understanding it wasn’t her intention and she’s doing progress, although she didn’t show the same effort to understand my side of the story (or what she did meant to me) and asked me sorry only because I mentioned she didn’t (what means she doesn’t care about me and is trying to manipulate me).

I have an INTJ friend who is often well balanced in these concerns, and she told me that I’m self-inflicting suffering by going for her for a resolution, in her understanding I should leave the friendship (and she wants to kick my ass) because the other part lack respect for me. I get her however the one who possess all the information is me. However, although I possess the information, I don’t know what I should do with it either. So, I understand my limits, when they’re crossed, I know I should stand for them and ask for respect even when I’m not so triggered, but I don’t know how to decide what to do next. I hope you understand my question, sorry by any English mistakes. Thank you!!

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I think your question is getting at a very important issue that many people, especially FJs, struggle with, so I think it's worth going into detail about it.

On Why Relationships Get Complicated

Generally speaking, your question is difficult to answer for a variety of reasons, including:

- Relationships have a lot of gray areas. It's hard to know exactly where to draw lines and boundaries sometimes. Most relationships fall into the "normal" category, where some disagreeable behavior is inevitable yet it's never so extreme as to warrant immediate breakup. And then you're stuck wondering at what point does bad become bad enough to warrant breakup. To complicate matters, the breaking point differs for each person based on their individual needs, wants, and goals.

- "Hurt" is sometimes difficult to define due to its subjective nature. What one person deems hurtful, another person easily brushes off. Even when you try to look at the situation as objectively as possible, some behaviors still seem quite ambiguous, making it difficult to determine exactly what needs to change. For example, it could be that one person is too insensitive and needs to be more tactful, but it could be that the other person is oversensitive and needs to be more accepting. Or both could be true. It's hard to make sense of it.

- Relationship compatibility is not either/or. The question of compatibility doesn't have a straightforward yes/no answer because there are so many possible ways of looking at it (one recent study came up with 24 different factors). To complicate matters further, the factors that people consider most important for compatibility can change over time, due to individual change and/or societal change.

On the Source of (FJ) Indecisiveness

Whether to end a relationship is a personal decision. It's not something someone else can decide for you. While your INTJ friend is worried for your well-being, it's not her decision to make. Like you said, only you have all the information and outsiders don't know the whole story. At the same time though, outsiders might be capable of viewing the relationship more objectively, so their opinions shouldn't be flippantly dismissed, either. But too much conflicting information can then breed confusion.

It is often the case that too much conflicting information is confusing to people who don't know what it is they really want. People with crystal clear needs, wants, lines, and boundaries tend to make relationship decisions very quickly and firmly. They are not easily swayed by outside opinions unless new information is presented. In other words, one big reason people suffer from indecisiveness is because they don't know themselves well enough.

How would you respond if I were to ask you directly, "Do you want to keep this friend?" It's a simple yes/no question. Unfortunately, FJs tend to have difficulty giving a definitive answer because they often don't pay enough attention to their own needs and wants. Hearing you describe this problem, so much of what you've said is about trying to understand others and/or the situation. But what about understanding yourself? What do you want? What do you need from people AND are you getting it?

Can you answer straightforwardly, or do you tend to start with "it depends..."? If it depends, then what does it depend on? On what basis are you going to decide whether a relationship is what you need/want or something worthwhile for you to keep and maintain? Being an introvert with socializing challenges (AuDHD), your time and energy for socializing is somewhat limited, so at what point do you decide that a relationship isn't worth your investment and/or that your time and energy would be better spent elsewhere?

Even when FJs know what they want, they can still have difficulty making a firm decision and sticking with it. Decisions made on purely subjective/personal grounds often seem "selfish" to them, which then makes them feel compelled to come up with some kind of "objective" reason to back it up. But because of low Ti, they might have difficulty developing a clear explanation or a coherent justification, which leaves them unable to resolve the situation to their satisfaction.

I'm not here to convince people to make decisions that go against their personality type, since that can end up being harmful. All I can do is prompt you to reflect on the following:

Do you have difficulty making personal decisions purely for the sake of your own well-being? If so, do you like/dislike this quality of yours? Do you wish to change it or not?

Do you usually feel that you owe people an explanation or justification for personal decisions? If so, do you think this is a good thing or something that needs to change, and why?

Under what conditions, if any, would it be possible for you to feel completely at peace with making a purely personal decision (with no consideration given to others)? Do you believe you have a right to make such decisions? Why or why not?

Unfortunately, many FJs get stuck in unhealthy relationships because they are far too forgiving for their own good. They accommodate others at their own expense, perhaps feeling like they should be the bigger person. It's important to remember that a healthy relationship arises from establishing a healthy balance between oneself and others. I can see that you're trying to do this.

Unfortunately, the downside of having to consider so many factors is that it muddles the decision-making process. If you think it's important to take many factors into consideration, that's perfectly fine and admirable, but then you also need to improve your critical or analytical thinking skills. You need to have a reliable method to sort through it all. This is why Ti is meant to complement Fe. It sounds like you've got some development to do regarding the Fe-Ti balance.

On Hurt

An essential factor to take into consideration is whether people are getting hurt in the relationship. When people are afraid of getting hurt, they can sometimes be quick to conclude that hurt = bad. From there, it's easy to jump to bad relationship = must breakup.

Sure, it's not good to get hurt, but at the same time, one must accept the fact that some amount of hurt is bound to happen in any relationship. It takes a while for people to really get to know each other, right? It's inevitable that toes will get stepped on or that boundaries will get crossed because you simply don't know exactly what's going to offend/hurt someone before it happens.

If hurt is a given - a fact of life that can't be avoided - then the key point isn't about (over)reacting to every hurt but to learn the best methods of handling it. This requires you to have a more nuanced approach to hurt and a deeper understanding of its purpose.

The concept of "hurt" can be looked at through a variety of factors, such as: 1) severity: some forms of hurt are more emotionally injurious/traumatic than others, 2) destructiveness: some forms of hurt are more damaging to a relationship bond than others, and 3) morality: some forms of hurtful behavior are more morally objectionable than others. These factors can be rated on a scale of 1 to 10, which would help you get a clearer idea of what kind of response is warranted.

In terms of severity, perhaps a rating of 1-4 is the "bearable" kind of hurt. Perhaps this is the kind of hurt that arises from the natural friction of individual differences in personality or communication style, the remedy to which should be nurturing greater tolerance and acceptance. Perhaps a rating of 5-7 is the kind of hurt that warrants one or both parties to make a change, in order to improve the relationship. Perhaps a rating of 8-10 is the kind of hurt that warrants distance or breakup. You get the point.

In terms of destructiveness, a healthy relationship requires a healthy amount of trust and faith. Trust is about believing that someone has your best interests at heart, that they care about you and intend to treat you well. Faith is about believing that a relationship has a future, that progress is possible as long as both parties remain committed. Rate how much trust and faith you have in the relationship from 1 to 10. What is the threshold (of lack of trust/faith) at which you believe the friendship becomes untenable and isn't worth salvaging?

In terms of morality, a major source of conflict between people comes from differences in values. You're not going to agree with everything other people think or do. This raises the question: What amount of difference in values is intolerable to you? What kinds of moral beliefs/values constitute deal-breakers for you? You can rate the morality of behavior on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being very moral and 1 being quite immoral. At what point does the immorality of someone's behavior make it impossible for you to keep associating with them?

Yes, hurt is meant to serve as a warning sign that there's something not right in the relationship. But on the other side, this also means hurt serves as a catalyst for discovering how the relationship should improve over time. Hurt is an opportunity for two people to learn more about each other's likes/dislikes, preferences, habits, beliefs, values, goals, hopes, and traits or styles. Through this long learning process, the relationship should gradually grow more bonded and intimate.

However, if learning isn't taking place and hurtful patterns of behavior stubbornly recur and persist, that's when you have to step back and assess the quality and health of the relationship, in order to determine whether it's good for your mental health to continue.

You don't owe people your friendship. People aren't entitled to your time, energy, empathy, or effort. A relationship should be a two-way street. It's important that you get your fair share of benefits, that your needs are being equally cared for and met. If those benefits aren't forthcoming and, worse, you seem to bear most of the relationship costs, then you're harming yourself by staying.

On Compatibility

Be it friendship or romance, whenever people ask me "should I stay or should I go?", the first question that always pops into my head is, "How compatible are the two of you?" Why does compatibility matter? Generally speaking, compatibility encompasses the factors that impact relationship satisfaction. As a concept, compatibility is used to measure/predict things such as:

how well two people can get along overall

what kinds of mutual benefits are possible

where the points of conflict are likely to lie

the degree of intimacy that is possible for a relationship

whether a relationship can last over the long term

whether a relationship is meaningful or fulfilling

Generally speaking, compatibility is a way to compare and contrast how similar versus different two people are. Studies have shown that, the more points of similarity you share with someone, the more likely you are to feel satisfied with the relationship.

There are many points on which people can be compared. For example: personality/style factors; biographical/background factors; socioeconomic factors; belief system; moral values; perspective on career and family; etc. The study I mentioned above listed 24 important points, including: lifestyle; opinions; emotions; origins; sociality; romanticism; morals; family; food; sensation; class; religion; conformity; leisure; appearance; job; conflict; empathy; humor; residence; speech; intellect; enthusiasm; activity.

Compatibility is usually studied in relation to romance. This makes sense because, if you're thinking of marrying someone or spending 24/7 with them, you don't want too many potential points of misunderstanding or conflict. Compatibility can be applied to friendship as well, only with less stringent standards. Friendships often allow for more differences because you don't have to confront them constantly like in a romantic relationship.

Different people value different compatibility factors. For instance, people with a post-secondary degree tend to value similarity of educational attainment level more than those with a high school diploma. Thus, you have to ask yourself which factors are most important to you. Which factors do you believe are necessary for building a good foundation of friendship with you? Search your past relationship experience and examine which compatibility factors help you feel closer to people (similarities) and which factors often pop up as points of conflict (differences).

Through understanding which compatibility factors you value most at this point in your life (they do change as you age and mature), you can get a much better idea of what you're looking for in a friend. Essentially, this is the process of learning how to set some basic standards that must be met before you enter into a relationship. As you get older, you'll increasingly feel like time is precious, which means standards become important for helping you put your time and energy where they count the most, into relationships that feel the most meaningful and fulfilling.

Note that people at lower levels of ego development tend to misunderstand or misapply the notion of "standards". They turn it into something snobby or elitist because they think standards are about superiority/inferiority, that being un/able to meet certain standards makes one a greater/lesser person. This kind of thinking is antithetical to healthy and loving relationships. It's an indication that the person is not yet fully capable of genuine friendship.

Ideally, standards should only be about facing the facts of compatibility, facing the reality of human similarities and differences. Someone being too different from you to be your friend shouldn't be a judgy statement about them but purely a practical statement about your own needs and preferences. Do not universalize your standards or assume they are any kind of objective measure of anything.

For friendship, difference in itself should not be a deal-breaker. Quite the contrary, differences should be welcomed and treated as opportunities to improve your knowledge about the diversity of human beings, as this would help you improve your social skills and allow you to get along with a wider variety of people. Of course, when differences are accompanied by hurtful behavior, the calculation changes. But too many people treat differences as automatically bad, which seriously shrinks their friendship opportunities.

The concepts of "compatibility" and "hurt" can be thought of as two sides of the same coin. Compatibility helps you understand the light side, the aspects of the relationship that bring something positive into your life. Hurt helps you understand the dark side, the aspects of the relationship that bring something negative into your life. By examining both sides of the coin, you get a bigger picture view from which to make wiser relationship decisions.

Some people think that a friendship is acceptable as long as nobody is getting seriously hurt, and they don't care about compatibility (very loose standards). Some people think that compatibility is everything, and maybe they're too quick to give up on friendships (very stringent standards). Remember, the concepts I've discussed aren't about forcing everyone to approach relationships the same way (which is something unhealthy Fe desires). This discussion is meant to help you develop your personal perspective on relationships from which to make decisions that are best for your own well-being and fulfillment.

#dominant fe #auxiliary fe #isfj #infj #esfj #enfj #compatibility #hurt #relationships #breakup #conflict #friendship #love #dating #standards #expectations #ask

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mbti-notes · 17 days ago

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Anon wrote: Hallo I’m a 20 year old ESFJ girl. Since I don’t see many ESFJs around here, I wanted to share my thoughts and ask for help. I speak Spanish so I hope everything I say comes across clearly.

I need some help. Honestly, I’m lost in my insecurities about my intellectual abilities. I’ve had this fixation on my intelligence since I was a preteen. Before that, I was a very sociable child who worried about avoiding conflicts among my friends and tried to keep the group united despite negative feelings like envy or hatred—acting as a mediator.

Thanks to my mom (I’m not entirely sure about her personality type, but it’s probably far from ESFJ, which is why we sometimes clash—though she’s very calm and understanding) and my dad (who I think is also an ESFJ with the same fixation on intellectual abilities as me), I started placing importance on thinking and being intelligent.

From that point on, I became aware that I didn’t tend to overthink things and that there were people who thought more and better than I did. Since I’d always gotten good grades without much effort, I never doubted my intellectual abilities—until I realized there was more to it than just memorizing things temporarily for an exam. I began self-evaluating, searching online, comparing myself to others, feeling disappointed in myself, and developing even more insecurities about it. From then on, I started studying more and gaining knowledge. And since social validation matters to me, I obviously showed off that knowledge to get praise and convince myself that I was intelligent.

For a while, I believed I was smart, but I knew this was an insecurity because if you truly are something, you shouldn’t have to doubt it or seek validation from others. So, in an attempt to understand myself better, I delved deeper into psychology. I remember that during that period (ages 15 to 17), I hated emotional and sociable people, idolized egocentric and intelligent people because I wanted to be like them, and isolated myself because "intelligent people are loners" (looking back, that thought sounds so funny now, haha). I denied my natural inclination to care about others’ well-being and developed a very sarcastic sense of humor.

While exploring psychological concepts, I became fixated on personality types and eventually stumbled upon MBTI. At first, I took the 16Personalities test and got ENTP—you have no idea how happy I was! That was exactly what I wanted to be... though, of course, I’d manipulated the test to get that result. Later, I learned about the origins of MBTI and how it’s more complex than just four letters. I decided to join an MBTI community to ask questions and learn more. There, they administered cognitive function tests, and since they seemed very knowledgeable, I took one. They told me I was an ESFJ, explained what that meant, and I was disappointed—I refused to accept it. I dug deeper into MBTI, trying to prove I wasn’t an ESFJ or ISFJ. Any other type would’ve been fine, and I even explored whether it was possible to change my personality, even through traumatic methods... which was extreme.

After realizing there was no way out, I began to accept it. That’s when I started developing my personality. I discovered how much I love focusing on others’ well-being, and for the first time, I felt genuine satisfaction—something I’d never experienced before. With ups and downs, I tried to understand my emotions and accepted them, even when I disliked how they surfaced. I also faced new challenges, like hating truly egocentric people or realizing the support I gave wasn’t always reciprocated.

At this point in my life, I can say I’ve accepted my personality type—but I’m not proud of it. Plus, there aren’t many ESFJs in the MBTI community, so most discussions don’t focus on us, and when they do, it’s not always positive.

So, after sharing so much of my life, my questions are:

How can I let go of this obsession?

Are there any benefits to being an ESFJ that I can highlight and leverage?

What should I work on based on my cognitive functions and their development?

If you have any additional comments, I’d genuinely love to hear them. Sorry for making you read such a long post, hehe

(I don’t know if sharing all this was too much, but I didn’t know another way to express it. I hope it helps with your answer)

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On "Where are all the ESFJs?"

Given that, statistically, ESFJs are one of the top two most populated types, I can see why their absence from the community would be notable to you. Yes, there can be a lot of harmful stereotyping and trash talking between types around the internet, but I make a concerted effort to avoid all that. I won't speak about other forums but only address my own blog.

There are certain types that generally prefer to speak to me in private and ESFJ is one of them. Based on private conversations, I gather that there are two main reasons behind the dearth of ESFJs here:

(1) I am N and my approach to the subject matter is very N most of the time, which doesn't always appeal to Ss. Perhaps it's not always easy for me to relate to the things that Ss go through, and vice versa. It's not anyone's fault but simply a matter of different preferences. Many Ns have expressed to me that my blog is a refuge or haven for them. Perhaps they feel outnumbered in the real world and it's nice to have a place where they can feel seen. But this can inadvertently make Ss feel excluded.

(2) My blog is predominantly about type development problems and ESFJs don't tend to like such a heavy emphasis on the "negative" or "critical" side of things, for reasons that you probably already understand. My study guides provide information about both the positive and negative sides for each type, but, overall, I do tend to speak more about the negative side because 1) it is an inescapable part of my type assessment method, and 2) most of the questions I get are about how to address the negative aspects of personality. The fact of the matter is that, in many cases, you must work through the negative aspects in order to bring out the positive aspects. But ESFJs are not always patient with this process.

On Dominant Fe

With regard to the personality problems that you've raised, it seems you are struggling with the core challenges of being ESFJ. As set out by the functional stack order, every type has a unique set of challenges that they need to overcome in order to grow and evolve (through the stages of ego development).

Early adulthood is the time of life for nurturing independence, via forging a strong personal identity and learning how to handle life on one's own. As you might imagine, this can be a difficult stage for EFJs because independence - striking out and standing out on one's own - isn't always compatible with dominant Fe goals.

As you've already experienced, going against your type preferences can be very painful, because it constitutes self-denial, even self-harm. What you've basically tried to do is turn your personality upside down, which is very dangerous in terms of type development, because it can land you in a sea of inferior grip problems. Generally speaking, the deeper people spiral in this direction, the more they come to hate themselves.

Luckily, at some point you realized there was a problem and tried to reverse course, but you haven't fully succeeded in finding the correct path yet. In theory, the correct path is to develop your functions in the correct order of your functional stack. It is important to remember that attempts to subvert the stack order tend to result in maladaptive thinking and/or dysfunctional behavior.

In a nutshell, although you have come far enough to understand that using Fe feels good, you still haven't learned how to use it optimally. This is a problem because you have to get to a certain level of function development before you are truly psychologically ready to move on to the next function in the stack. If development stalls at the dominant function, immaturity reigns.

What is "optimal" function use? I'll illustrate with an example: It is natural for Fe to use social comparison to understand people. In theory, if Fe aims for social harmony, people should not go to extremes of emphasizing their differences at the expense of their commonalities. As such, social comparison can be a useful tool in terms of informing Fe about how far away people are getting from each other, and then you can do something to bring them closer together whenever necessary.

Your way of using Fe doesn't really resemble the above, does it? You are more inclined to use social comparison to evaluate your self-worth and then beat yourself up about not measuring up to others. This is an immature expression of Fe that comes out of ego rather than growth. "Ego" basically means all you really care about is feeling good in the moment, everything else be damned. Ego is a very limited and limiting way to approach life.

As a general rule, when you use a function properly, the process of developing the function eventually leads you towards growth. But when you use a function immaturely, to play out unconscious ego conflicts and dramas, you are more likely to encounter difficulty with adjusting and adapting to life's challenges.

That being said, I hope you don't jump to the conclusion that I'm assigning "fault" or "blame". My only intention is to help you understand the problem, not to judge you or incite you to judge yourself. It's not your "fault" for misusing Fe per se.

Generally speaking, fault should only be assigned when one knows full well that something is wrong but proceeds to do it anyway. However, children don't always know right from wrong. Children are innocent and they are designed to quickly learn whatever their social environment teaches them.

You didn't know that contorting yourself to get validation was wrong. All you knew was that you wanted to obtain acceptance/love, same as every child. And whenever you couldn't obtain acceptance/love, you had to work for it by employing whatever strategies your very limited experience could come up with. Unfortunately, the strategy you chose was psychologically unhealthy.

On Auxiliary Si

As you grow up, you should be getting to know yourself better, which means using your experiences to get a better idea of what is good/bad for you - something that should come naturally to Si. If you aim to become a psychologically healthy adult, you must learn to be more mindful about making good choices for yourself.

In terms of type development, "good/bad" is not about being a good or bad person morally, so it shouldn't be about drowning in shame and punishing yourself for bad choices. It's really about learning how to take proper care of yourself, by listening to what your body is telling you. You don't have to go out of your way to punish yourself for bad choices because the "punishment" comes in the form of suffering ill health, mentally and/or physically.

As a child, your read on situations was too superficial, which is a flaw of immature Si. "Intelligence" isn't about appearances, is it? You may be impressed by the top student, but you wouldn't be as impressed if you found out they cheated on all their exams. Think more deeply about it and you'll realize that intellectual ability is actually about being able to learn well, understand comprehensively, and draw conclusions based on facts and evidence. It has nothing to do with getting praise, affirmation, or validation.

A truly intelligent person will stop doing something if it turns out to have negative consequences, because they honor the facts of the situation. Honoring the facts is something Si should do quite well.

For example, this old pattern of misusing Fe to endlessly chase validation hurts you, it has negative consequences. Thus, the first question facing you is: Will you give up Fe extremes for the sake of having healthy Fe? Unfortunately, the truth is that many people keep bad habits and harmful behavior, repeating the same negative patterns throughout life. Why is that?

(1) Humans are resistant to change, not necessarily because they hate change but because they have difficulty coping with the challenges of the unknown. Ideally, they ought to learn good coping strategies and confront change bravely. But the reality is they might not have enough opportunity to learn and/or also lack the social/emotional/moral support to persist in challenging themselves.

(2) Humans are reluctant to give up the "benefits" of bad habits. In reality, "good" and "bad" are not black-and-white concepts. "Bad" habits are not absolutely bad. Smoking calms you down, drinking helps you forget, bingeing brings you relief, etc. Similarly, "good" habits are not absolutely good. Changing for the better requires hard work, discipline, blood, sweat, and tears - not exactly fun all the time.

Both of these points relate to the next big challenge for ESFJs: auxiliary Si development. There are no perfect parents in this world, no perfect schools, no perfect child-rearing environments. All of us pick up bad habits throughout childhood. The issue is whether we can kick them as adults.

Unfortunately, unhealthy Si can make it difficult to kick bad habits because of deriving existential meaning and comfort from them. Si is a great function because, when used optimally, it promotes genuine contentment. It can help you be authentically yourself by allowing you to unapologetically stick with your personal preferences.

However, every function can be misused, and taking Si to extremes can counterintuitively sabotage contentment because of sinking too deep into monotony/stasis and then feeling dissatisfied. Thus, the second question facing you is: Are you willing to give up the comfort of the known for the sake of your future well-being and development? For example, are you willing to give up this past self that chases fake praise in order to live as a more authentic version of yourself?

On Intelligence

If you truly want to develop your intellectual abilities, you first have to understand what intelligence is, and most people don't. Most people think of intelligence in very superficial terms, like passing exams or winning contests or debating others into the ground.

First of all, do you understand that there are many intelligences and intelligence looks different for different people? ESFJs who suffer Fe extremes + underdeveloped Si don't understand the concept of individuality, not really. They tend to believe there should be one absolute objective measure/standard that applies to everyone. Life would be so easy then, wouldn't it?

Lack of understanding of individuality means immature ESFJs don't only have a superficial view of intelligence, but also far too narrow a view. Imagine if you believed that intelligence=math ability, then you would encourage everyone to become a math major. I don't know about you, but that's not a world I'd want to live in. Who would do every other job that needs doing?

Every time you look at someone and think "I wish I could be like them", you're basically holding them up as The Ideal. What you don't fully realize is that by doing this you're implicitly overlooking, even diminishing, everyone else's strengths, including your own.

It is not for me or anyone else to tell you what your strengths should be. It is your job to learn to look at yourself through the eyes of someone who searches for the good in every individual. In order to do this, you have to develop Si properly, to value every minute detail of each individual rather than try to make everyone fit into some fake universal ideal that your Fe+Ne created.

An important part of having healthy and mature dominant Fe is being able to help people find a positive way to contribute of themselves to the greater good. You won't be able to do that if you don't allow for people to find their own unique contributions. And this should begin with yourself.

The second point comes out of the first: One person can't be good at everything. Why? Because we are all born with our own unique set of limitations, both genetic and environmental.

If you were to make a list of all the things that humans could potentially be good at, it would be an extremely long list. It would be a fool's errand to attempt to develop every possible skill available to human beings. It would not only be frustrating, but it would also be an incredible waste of time and energy. Your time and energy would be much better spent developing the talents that you actually have an aptitude for.

What you have an aptitude for is only partly determined by personality. There are aptitudes that aren't related to personality, such as singing. Becoming an independent adult should involve granting yourself freedom to explore and discover more about your aptitudes and talents. Don't rely on people to tell you; get out into the world and try for yourself. And whenever you meet something that's not for you, let it go, rather than treating it like a failure to punish yourself for.

An important part of having healthy and mature Si is being able to focus your time and energy into the things that are most likely to produce a practical and tangible effect -> be realistic. You'll have difficulty being realistic as long as your eyes are always green with envy and you end up spreading yourself too thin into places you don't belong. You can't belong everywhere because you can't be good at everything. Once you understand this, you'll be capable of the simple pleasure of cheering human greatness from the sidelines.

On Type Development

Sensors don't always find my blog appealing because I'm very future-oriented. I believe one must nurture the ability to delay gratification, to make difficult decisions today in order to care properly for one's future self. But appeals to the future aren't always received well. For SJs, thinking about the future too much can provoke anxiety or dread, which is understandable.

However, there's no getting away from the fact that "development", "evolution", and "growth" are processes. Firstly, you need some idea of what you are working toward via longer term vision. Secondly, there are times when you have to put yourself through a bit of pain in order to keep the process moving forward, similar to dealing with muscle aches after exercising.

You're not asking the right questions. The way you frame your questions indicates you are still stuck in the mindset of trying to impress. While trying to impress is appropriate in some limited situations, it should not be the main motivation for type development. When you don't set the right intentions at the start of a journey, you are likely to end up in weird places.

Many people discover my Type Development Guide and try to put it into practice only to meet some seemingly invisible obstacles. This usually happens because there is some extraneous psychological factor (unconsciously) impeding their progress. For FJs, the extraneous factor tends to be related to low self-worth. Having low self-worth means they are chasing "self-improvement" not out of love but out of hate, self-hate. Unfortunately, it's hard to get something positive out of something negative like hate.

Attempting function development with extraneous factors operating unconsciously in the background means there is a higher chance of failure. These factors often need to be dealt with first, sometimes with the help of professional therapy. For instance, low self-worth colors your entire perspective on things and tends to lead you toward inappropriate life goals, which means you'll keep misusing functions to unhealthy ends. If you don't know why you have low self-worth or what to do about it, therapy is a good idea.

You won't get very far in your type development until you realize that your ultimate goal needs to change. You need to reflect on what else there is in life other than chasing validation. What else is important to you, or should be important to you? This is a question only you can answer, notably with the help of auxiliary Si development.

If you're looking to others to tell you what's important, you'll never become an independent adult, which leaves you always feeling a step behind. The problem with chasing others is that there will always be someone ahead of you. Perhaps it's a better idea to stop racing and reflect on what it is you would much rather be doing, and then commit to that instead.

One thing I've noticed about ESFJs over the years is that many tend to enter the door feeling very enthusiastic, but it doesn't last long. The ones who are prone to Ne loop tend to have very high hopes but get easily discouraged once they realize how much they have to utilize Si to anchor their type development.

For every type, the auxiliary function plays an essential role in growth. Ignore it at your peril. The study guides already go into the strengths and weaknesses of each type, as well as how to develop functions. Read, study, and digest at your own pace.

#esfj #dominant fe #auxiliary si #ne loop #ti grip #self worth #envy #intelligence #development #independence #ask

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mbti-notes · 17 days ago

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Hello I’m 29 years old ENFP, I’m feel my Te just Burst out like I can handle task with efficiency, but also i have problem with looping, when looping I feels like I was judge everything and my thoughts to be wild like shows “ah he’s trying gonna to hurt me so i need keep guard” even sometimes locked myself to not being hurt (Ne I think?), also I impulsive to get things done according my thoughts cause often jump to conclusion without think twice about it and take Decisions so excessive. How to get handle this looping and sorry my English is broken because I’m not native English speaker, thank you

Generally speaking, struggling with tertiary loop and/or inferior grip indicates that the dominant function is unhealthy and the auxiliary function is underdeveloped. The remedy to this is to develop the functions properly, in the correct order of the functional stack. For example...

Starting with Ne: If you had more faith in your own creative powers, then you wouldn't take problems so seriously, because you'd be confident of being able to adapt and work around them. Life doesn't seem as hard and the past doesn't weigh you down as much when you can always maintain an optimistic and hopeful outlook.

Similarly with Fi: If you could be genuinely accepting, especially of the reality of yourself, then you wouldn't be so preoccupied with having to protect/prove anything, would you? Without the strong urge to protect/prove, would your decisions still be so "excessive"?

These concepts have already been covered in the study guides and previous ENFP related posts, I suggest you read through them to get more detail about function development.

#enfp #auxiliary fi #te loop #si grip #ask

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mbti-notes · 17 days ago

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Anon wrote: Hello- INFP concerned about ISTJ uncle who was widowed last year. My auntie who died was ESFJ I think and he relied on her for everything social. His way of grieving seems to be to keep to himself and keep busy, not wanting to show it. But it seems a front to me. I recently asked how he was doing and he said he was thinking of ending it all, then tried to pass it off a sarcastic joke but I could see the grief clearly, I don't think he's doing so well at all but I'm at a loss for what to say.

We're kind of close and not close, it's hard to describe. I think being the only introverts in a loud family means we gravitate to each other when everyone's together. He's a decent guy and I've always found him easy company (and I think he does me?) but I can't say that we ever really *talked* in much depth because it's not his way. Now he's opened up to me more than I've seen him do.

Is throwing yourself into work to avoid dwelling on pain just how TJs deal with things? I don't think it's working for him honestly but I don't want to bother him being touchy feely or pushing him to open up either. I know for Si doms it's not easy to adjust to big life changes in general, on top of grieving. Thanks for reading

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Throwing oneself into work is generally a popular coping mechanism. STJs like it because of being able to ground oneself in a familiar routine. NTJs like it because it's a great distraction that also allows one to feel productive. As far as coping mechanisms go, it's not the worst thing to do, certainly better than substance abuse or getting into bar fights.

However, drowning oneself in work will take a toll on mental health when one goes too long without having any kind of personal life. The utter lack of personal life is the main problem, not so much the work itself. Personal life is where we ought to find the most meaning, fulfillment, and enjoyment. Work/career can be all those things to some extent, but it's not enough for full human flourishing.

While it might feel a bit weird to suddenly invite a relative out for an activity when you've never done it before, doing so could help him develop his personal life, at least until he's able to take more initiative for himself. You don't even have to get into any deep conversations with him, just enjoy an activity together. For example, maybe you suddenly came upon an extra ticket to an event, or maybe you have a common interest you could build upon, or maybe you and your family could invite him to dinner regularly, etc.

Feelings can't be avoided or ignored forever, at least, they shouldn't be. As a general rule, no matter the type, it's a good idea to talk about negative feelings in order to process them and hopefully get over the worst of them. However, the details of how to go about doing it will differ for each individual. And whether you can be the one they talk to will depend on the quality of your relationship with them.

It's generally NOT a good idea to talk about feelings too soon after a negative event because this can end up in PTSD or retraumatization. You have to give people time to catch a breath and establish some degree of psychological normalcy before trying to get them to open up and dive deep. Exactly what length of wait time is appropriate is up for debate. It really depends on the context. I would say that one year is generally enough time, though.

I think it's too easy to assume that TJs don't like talking about their feelings. In some cases, it's more accurate to say that they simply don't know how. For sure, they're not going to initiate the talk. However, if you're able to bring up the topic organically in conversation, you may find them more open to it than expected.

Personally, I've found that Ts are more open to talking about feelings when you: 1) give them enough time and space to find the right words, and 2) slowly ease into the conversation by starting on a more abstract or impersonal level. Your mileage may vary.

If, as INFP, you find it difficult to talk about feelings abstractly or impersonally, another thing you could do is start by talking about your own feelings, as a way to encourage mutual sharing. When you can be honest and vulnerable, you signal to others that it's okay for them to do the same. I'm sure your auntie's death has affected you too, so why not lead with that?

It can be awkward or uncomfortable to start these kinds of conversations but don't forget that people generally appreciate shows of care and kindness. IMHO, the world could always do with more care and kindness. A society is beyond wacky if it makes people hesitant to express their humanity, so don't settle for that.

#infp #istj #helping #comforting #grief #death #dying #ask

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mbti-notes · 1 month ago

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Anon wrote: hello. I'm an enfp. I have a tendency to get very emotional when something doesn't go the way I wanted/expected, or if i see something upsetting on the news. some examples would be if i am writing a test and come across a question im unprepared for, or if im working on a project and am not able to figure out the code. it doesn't need to be a very big issue, but i almost always overthink and convince myself that im no good and it's the end of the world. i feel like i operate from a place of fear a lot of the time.

this has been happening for quite a few years now, and i have tried the other advices of writing in journals and sharing with loved ones. i think i have a good support system with my boyfriend and friends, but i can't expect them to console me on the same matter over and over.

so do you have any advice for building up emotional resilience? i understand that emotions are important and inevitable, but i would like to be able to handle them more calmly and with less spiraling out of control.

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Have you read the section on emotional intelligence and implemented the strategies? That would be the place to start.

Different people struggle with emotions for different reasons, and in different ways. Improving your emotional intelligence is partly about being able to reflect on your experiences and put feelings/emotions in the appropriate perspective.

In terms of emotional intelligence, overindulging auxiliary Fi leads EFPs to personalize feelings and emotions to an unhealthy degree and get trapped in subjectivity, unable to approach situations objectively. Unfortunately, this increases the chance of missteps and mistakes that make emotions worse in a vicious cycle.

By contrast, EFPs stuck in Te loop (due to having resisted auxiliary Fi development for too long) might suffer from something akin to depersonalization, which is a dissociative mental disorder. They are so removed from their feelings and emotions that they have little to no awareness of them, but nonetheless remain heavily influenced by them unconsciously. They basically go through the motions of life mindlessly because they cannot face up to their own vulnerability.

Conceptualizing emotional awareness as a spectrum: On the left pole, there are people who have no personal connection to their feelings whatsoever and, on the opposite pole, there are people who identify with their feelings to a pathological degree.

zero identification <-------> extreme identification

The general population is normally distributed along the spectrum, with most people falling in the middle rather than the extremes. If you're closer to the left pole, the solution would be to nurture emotional awareness, own your feelings, and get back in touch with emotional life. If you're closer to the right pole (and you are), the solution would be to de-personalize or distance from feelings in a healthy way, to take a long deep breath and approach feelings more objectively. The key to good mental health is you don't want to be on the extremes.

When you "take things too personally", it means your tendency is to immediately buy into and believe in whatever your feelings tell you. Thus, you must learn to pause, step back, lower the temperature, and free up enough mental space to work with feelings and emotions productively.

Emotions are physiological reactions, whereas feelings come out of the ways in which you interpret your emotions. Emotions cannot be helped, but feelings can absolutely be adjusted by anyone with the courage and intelligence to confront and interact with them. When people say they "overthink", they are in the process of trying to interpret their feelings, usually struggling to see beyond the most rudimentary or literal interpretation of them.

In relation to Fi, feelings are judgments. And they can be very poor judgments. What's the difference between a good and a bad judgment? In simple terms: Validity. A judgment is valid only to the extent that it is based on adequate reasoning and sufficient evidence.

There is a concept called "reasoning with your feelings". If feelings are judgments, then what you're really doing is drawing conclusions. Draw the same conclusion enough times and it becomes a firm belief of yours. To ensure valid conclusions and, by extension, valid personal beliefs, you have to engage critically with feeling-judgments, to examine and analyze them for factuality and truthfulness. This requires you to improve your critical thinking skills. Without these skills, you'll always have to rely on others to console you.

As an example, many people react to failure with shame. Shame is about evaluating your worthiness. When you experience low self-esteem after a failure, what you're doing is making judgments about yourself, which basically sounds like shit-talking yourself. But are those judgments valid, arrived at through logical reasoning and supported by appropriate evidence?

When you are completely identified with your feelings, you just believe in them without a second thought. But in most cases, knee-jerk feeling-judgments are not based on anything but momentary frustration. The "evidence" collected is but a tiny, tiny slice of the bigger picture. What's worse, knee-jerk feeling-judgments get abnormally fixated on minor/trivial details and become self-justifying, actively ignoring all counter-evidence.

For instance, it is common for people responding badly to failure to immediately remember all the painful times they have failed but completely ignore all the happy times they succeeded in life. A large portion of the human brain is designed for survival, such that negative emotions are always more salient and easier to recall.

The more you allow knee-jerk feelings to run wild and expand into increasingly negative judgments of yourself, the deeper you sink into self-loathing. What you should be doing instead is stepping back to get a more objective view of yourself and/or the situation, using every aspect of your history and/or every factor relevant to the situation to perform a measured and reasonable evaluation, to take FULL stock rather than proceed with a biased, limited, or extreme perspective.

When you engage feelings/emotions with more care and thoughtfulness, rather than just running off to marry the first knee-jerk reaction, you'll be able to put feelings in the right perspective and won't be as easily driven by them. This is what it takes to have a healthier relationship with your emotional life.

In terms of type development, the issue you describe comes from: 1) having a perspective that is too small/narrow due to underdeveloped Fi, and 2) not being able to take a larger, bigger-picture perspective due to lacking the awareness to use Ne optimally. And if Ne shuts down too easily and too often, Si grip is not far away.

#enfp #dominant ne #auxiliary fi #emotional awareness #emotional intelligence #critical thinking #self esteem #overthinking #rumination #ask

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mbti-notes · 1 month ago

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Anon wrote: Hi mbti-notes, thank you for running this blog. I’m writing to get confimation that I am an INFJ. I read your post on the difference between Fe and Fi. I know I am definitely an undeveloped and unhealthy example of whatever type I am. I had a traumatic childhood and have spent my young adulthood so far (I’m 24) in my room. I hope you can give me some clarity as I really value your opinion.

I really related to how you said FJs in negative and unwelcoming environments develop thick walls to protect their feelings and become socially incompetent. My childhood had a lot of abuse and my family is very unloving and distant. I retreated into myself to cope and I very much resemble an INTP in the eyes of other people. I get compared to Daria a lot and I lack social skills.

There was a three year period when I lived with my aunt and uncle, away from my family from twelve to fifteen. I became a completely different person in that environment. I realized that I actually loved talking as opposed to when I would never speak back home. I think this is a lot closer to who I really am.

Another thing I’ve noticed is that I can tell an FJ person from a mile away. It never occurred to me that maybe I see something of myself in them. More evidence for Fe is that there have been times when I meet someone and before even speaking to them, I intuit something about them that only shows up later on.

For example, I had a manager who presented himself as very confident, but before we even introduced ourselves, I had a gut feeling that he was actually very insecure. This later proved to be true as I got to know him better. I also intuited that my best friend’s mom had experience CSA without even knowing much about her life and she later confirmed this to me.

I deeply value social harmony and get extremely uncomfortable when there is tension or people don’t get along. My parents rarely fight, but when they even raise their voices, I just get up and leave because I cannot take it.

Proof of Ni comes from times when I resorted to a lot of unhealthy Se behaviors because I felt a lack of meaning and purpose. I became a shopaholic and knew my local Sephora’s hours of operation by heart. I’m embarassed to admit this, but I booked a flight to Berlin spontaneously and flew there with less than five hundred dollars (I got my next paycheck while I was there). I pursued hook ups with random guys and it left me feeling even more empty and worthless. I pursued these short term dopamine rushes because it was the only time I felt positive. I could not perceive any greater purpose for myself. I find it hard to just “enjoy” something and not think about what it means. This is especially true for me when I engage with media.

Sometimes when I am in public, I imagine what my life would be like if people saw me as my ideal self. I would daydream about this a lot. I wanted to be this perfect person that everyone admired. I also apply that kind of thinking to other aspects of life: when I was a kid, I would imagine how things would go (a day at school, family event, etc.) and be very disappointed when reality never met my expectations. I felt uncomfortable if I didn’t anticipate how things would unfold, because I wouldn’t feel “ready.”

Feeling like I have no purpose is extremely painful for me and leads me to puruse reckless behavior to fill that void. I often judge Se types while also admiring them. People who seem more focused on what’s right in front of them and who speak in a brazen and casual way annoy me. I don’t want to feel like that, but I can be a bit uptight about people not being as serious as me. Everyone sees me as very serious. I have a more humorous and playful side of myself, but I do not show it to people because I am so private. I am afraid to reveal my real self to people because I’m afraid they won’t like me, so I come off as dry and humorless.

I am definitely in Ti loop. I avoid social interaction because I’m faced with the fact that I lack social skills. In order to avoid the shame of that, I am antisocial and blame it on there not being a lot of people to socialize with. I give up on efforts to make friends and make excuses that there aren’t enough people my age where I live so there’s “no point.” I once went on a date with someone and felt a lot of pressure to prove I was smart to make up for how insecure I felt that they might see me as boring. I tried to perform intelligence as much as possible and later felt like “why did I do that?”

I used to think I was very self aware, especially about my feelings, but now I see how detached I am from them. My mind feels opaque and I have a hard time reflecting on how I think and reason. I often feel very insecure about my ability to reason and I often defer to anyone who sounds competent, because I’m afraid to develop my own opinion. Another aspect of my Ti loop is how I’ll often think about other people as being less intellectual or knowledgeable than me and then I feel like I could never fit in anyway so why bother.

Proof of inferior Se is how I live in my head primarily and I have a somewhat adversarial relationship with reality because it doesn’t live up to my expectations. I am very out of touch with my body. I often feel like I don’t really have one or that it is simply secondary to what goes on in my head. I know this is wrong and unhealthy, I see it as extreme unhealthy Ni. I often walk into walls and bump into things..I’m really spatially unaware.

I don’t like being spontaneous. When I go on a day trip to nyc, I tend to stick with what I have done before and never really explore anything new. I used to think this was Si loop, but I have always been reticent to experience new things. A way that inferior Se (and Fe) manifested in my life was my obsession with the way I looked. I used to stare at my reflection all the time and try to pick apart what was wrong with me. This is why I carelessly spent so much money on beauty products when I was in Se grip.

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As far as I can tell, everything you've described fits with the type. However, this doesn't mean I can confirm it 100%. There remains another essential step in type assessment of definitively ruling out the other 15 types. There isn't enough information provided for me to do that for you, so you'll have to take that step on your own.

#assessment #ask

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mbti-notes · 1 month ago

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Anon wrote: I am an ESTP, 17y. Even though I consider myself as an ESTP, I’m confused by certain aspects of my thought process that I associate with Fi. More specifically, I’m puzzled by my emotional reactions to certain things, which are quite hard to describe — I don’t fully understand their causes or nature.

I suppose it’s worth mentioning that, in terms of moral development, I’m at a stage where I try to maintain the approval of others. I believe this stems from emotional insecurity or, more precisely, a sense of inadequacy, which I attribute to my upbringing: I was a spoiled child, as my parents did everything for me and, as a result, failed to instill independence and a strong work ethic.

After comparing myself to others, I concluded that I lagged behind my peers in terms of emotional development and maturity. By this, I mean that I was somewhat aggressive (I infer this from the emotional harm I caused to some friends), stubborn, attention-seeking, and had a sense of superiority — I wanted to be better than others. I was also somewhat cowardly and, therefore, overly accommodating in social situations (because I didn’t know how to behave properly and was afraid of embarrassing myself).

I tried to correct these traits by aligning myself with public morality and seeking others’ approval. However, here lies a paradox: I was attempting to grow, but my motivation was the desire to be better than others, so every approval I received became proof of my superiority. In this sense, I equated intelligence with maturity, and thus viewed approval as evidence of my intellect. Later, I began to recognize this paradox, though I didn’t try to resolve it — I simply accepted it as a given, even though I worried that it might make my judgment biased or unreliable.

Why am I telling this? Because I believe it contributes to the “strangeness” of my thought process. I experience odd emotional reactions — physically unpleasant, strangely enough — when I see people doing things purely for profit or acting in a shallow, insincere way. I suppose the closest word for this feeling is resentment.

Why do I associate this with my moral development? I believe these reactions stem from my efforts to follow societal values and norms, which leads me to judge others based on those standards. However, this judgment feels automatic and involuntary — not something derived from conscious reasoning.

So, I wonder: are these reactions simply ingrained social values, or could they be better explained by the Fi function? In other words, might Fi drive me to maintain alignment between my behavior and personal identity, values, and preferences — such that insincerity or dehumanizing behavior triggers emotional resistance?

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You've described your thought process well enough that I understand the patterns. I don't believe any of it points to Fi, though I get why you would consider the possibility. There is actually a very distinct absence of Fi all along the way, from childhood until now. Realistically, there's no way auxiliary Fi would arise so suddenly and so late, even if you were to experience a huge life-changing event (which you haven't).

Even when people aren't very subjectively aware of their auxiliary function due to delayed development, from an objective observer's vantage point, evidence of the function will still appear to permeate judgment and decision-making. But there is no such underlying evidence of Fi in your case. There is for Ti, though.

A lot of people suffer from self-esteem issues, so it isn't specifically a personality type problem. However, type tends to make an appearance in how people choose to respond to low self-esteem, which is one factor I often examine when assessing type.

A common response to low self-esteem is compensation:

Compensation is a defense mechanism whereby a person attempts, usually unconsciously, to address a perceived weakness, flaw, or deficiency by "growing" in a way that serves to mask their insecurity about it.

Overcompensation happens when people strive too hard for a sense of superiority in one facet of life in order to cover up a sense of inferiority in some other facet.

By my understanding, compensation is a reaction to low self-esteem (feeling bad about yourself) and overcompensation extends beyond self-esteem into low self-worth (not feeling "good enough", e.g., to deserve acceptance and love).

In order to possess the self-confidence necessary to succeed in life, one needs to build up life skills, skills that help one meet challenges and adapt appropriately to changing circumstances. Life challenges and circumstances are quite diverse, so life skills are also quite diverse. To give you a bigger picture view of life skills and why they require lifelong commitment to improve, they include things such as:

analytical skills

caregiving skills

civic literacy skills

communication skills

community building skills

conflict resolution skills

creative thinking skills

decision making skills

diet management skills

emotional regulation skills

financial literacy skills

home maintenance skills

housekeeping skills

leadership skills

media literacy skills

networking skills

organization skills

planning skills

problem solving skills

productivity skills

relationship skills

research skills

self-care skills

self-directed learning skills

self-expression skills

stress management skills

teamwork skills

technological skills

time management skills

Why is over/compensation unhealthy? Mainly because it is a distraction that doesn't address the real underlying problem. Using your case as an example, you felt inadequate due to the fact that your upbringing didn't prepare you to succeed in life on your own. What your parents did is not your fault, but now you have a problem to deal with. How should one respond to this problem? Logically, one ought to pick up the knowledge and skills that one missed out on learning earlier in life as soon as possible. Doing this would gradually boost independence and self-esteem in a healthy way.

Many people don't know that throughout the history of psychology, "intelligence" has always been a controversial concept and very difficult to define properly. In the most basic terms, intelligence is the ability to learn new concepts in a timely manner and apply them effectively. From this perspective, increasing your skillfulness through learning and improving life skills is a legitimate expression of intelligence. A truly intelligent person is humble, in that they know what they don't know and then work to fill in the gaps appropriately. The notion of superiority/inferiority never enters the picture.

The "intelligence" you speak of doesn't seem to bear any resemblance to the above, does it? For some reason, you linked the concept of intelligence to social approval and feelings of superiority. Social perception and subjective feelings are not reliable measures, are they? Social perception changes with the times. For example, what was once socially acceptable becomes socially unacceptable a mere ten years later. Feelings can be fleeting and are not always an accurate representation of reality. For example, today you feel great because you got a good night's sleep, but tomorrow you feel terrible because you ate a bad dinner the night before.

When you stake your personal identity on murky things such as social perception and subjective feelings, don't be surprised that your existence eventually becomes very unstable. Mental instability creates phenomena such as intrusive thoughts, weirdly intense feelings, and inexplicable mood swings. And then a lot of mental energy gets wasted trying to manage instability, energy that could otherwise be spent on learning and growth.

To put it bluntly, you were creating an illusion of intelligence based on appearances rather than expressing genuine intelligence, unconsciously believing that compensation would cure low self-esteem. But relying on other people's validation to feel good about yourself is a problem because it puts you forever in the position of a passive victim, always at the mercy of external opinions, always reacting from behind. Is it possible to become a truly independent person by taking this path? Quite the opposite, taking this path is the road to perpetual dependency and, thus, chronic low self-esteem.

When people engage in over/compensation, they're not actually addressing the most pressing skill deficits (long-term solution) but, rather, merely trying to alleviate negative feelings such as shame or resentment (short-term bandaid). Best-case outcome is that their skills never improve and personal growth stagnates. Worst-case outcome is they pick up bad habits that increase the chances of mistakes and failures in life, such as putting ever more energy into keeping up appearances and neglecting actual growth.

While you were correct to emphasize the notion of intelligence, and your desire to grow in that direction came from a good place, the method you chose was ultimately unhealthy and could even become self-destructive. Basically, you calculated wrong because you didn't know any better, and I hope that my answering this question for you helps you to know a bit better. For what it's worth, the particular method of compensation you chose for responding to low self-esteem is consistent with tertiary Fe loop patterns that result from underdeveloped auxiliary Ti.

At this point in your life, you are almost an adult, so the call to independence is at its loudest. You have a choice to make: Are you going to choose the right means to become a truly capable and independent adult? Or are you going to keep relying on childish tricks and games to fool yourself into thinking you're smarter than you really are? If you keep choosing the latter, your life will eventually be dominated by fear of being exposed as a fraud or imposter.

If you're going to keep relying on what you call "public morality", you're going to keep running into uncomfortable contradiction after uncomfortable contradiction. Why? Because the elevation of public morality as the ultimate moral standard is problematic. Public morality is a fuzzy and transitory concept, so it cannot be any kind "ultimate" standard. However, public morality does have legitimate usefulness in terms of societal cohesion and advancement, so it should not be entirely dismissed, either. The issue is whether you eventually have enough intelligence to apply the concept more appropriately.

These disturbing "feelings" you're describing are related to the emergence of your own personal moral conscience, which is a vital step in moral development for all people. Moral development is a separate matter from type development, though they intersect at times. Becoming an adult should include developing an independent moral point-of-view, otherwise, you will always be easily tricked and manipulated by external forces.

And when personal values and public morality collide, what are you going to do? You need critical thinking skills to work out the conflict in the best way, which should be part and parcel of Ti development. If you are anything like other ESTPs, your line of inquiry is heading in the wrong direction towards Fi perhaps because you are unconsciously trying to shirk the responsibility of thinking more deeply on such matters? If you did think deeply, it would seriously interfere with the old Fe loop compensation strategy, and then life would become much more complicated and threaten you with Ni horrors?

Deep down, auxiliary Ti is trying to inform you that not every public moral stance is correct, reasonable, or defensible. The reason you're starting to see a problem out there is because it reflects a problem inside you, with your way of thinking that you just copied from the outside. Essentially, Ti is the voice that tells you when your thought process is stupid and in need of correction. It urges you to probe a little deeper and develop a more independent, critical, skillful, nuanced, sophisticated, substantive, and well-reasoned way of understanding issues and tackling problems. Will you listen to it?

#estp #auxiliary ti #fe loop #morality #moral development #intelligence #life skills #self esteem #self worth #compensation #overcompensation #independence #ask

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mbti-notes · 1 month ago

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Anon wrote: hello! i hope you're doing well. im really grateful for your blog. i would like to ask you if you have any suggestions for getting over jealous or possessive feelings towards one's partner.

im a 20 y/o enfp girl. for various reasons, ive been very distant from guys growing up. i have had male friends, yes, but I'd always treat them with a bit more coldness than my female friends. and im actually bisexual, so it's not got to do with sexuality. I would mainly put this down to upbringing, with my parents being strict about hanging out with guys.

from what ive seen, my boyfriend (also 20 and an enfp) has been very comfortable with being friendly to people regardless of their gender. what this has led to is me over scrutinizing how he interacts with other girls or vice versa. sometimes getting jealous if they're joking around a lot or if they touch him. things like that. i dont let it affect my behaviour towards either him or the girls. but it does get tiring to think like that. and i know i should be more trusting of him.

i did try to go through your blog, but nothing seemed to match my situation. so, i hope you can give some guidance. thank you!

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It is no coincidence that jealousy is often accompanied by possessiveness. Possessiveness arises because jealousy is, at heart, about fear of loss. Fear of loss can be broken down into two main components:

A belief in ownership. You would not feel possessive about an object unless you believe you "own" it and thereby have some kind of claim about not deserving to have it "stolen" from you.

Underlying insecurity. Fear is defined as "irrational" when there is nothing in reality to fear, or when the level of fear is quite disproportionate to the threat level. Why do people invent threats or blow minor threats out of proportion? In psychology, it is usually related to negative past experiences that continue to influence you, usually unconsciously, in the present. Unconscious factors are, of course, more difficult to understand due to having to go through the difficult process of raising self-awareness.

On Ownership

Do you believe you can "own" another person? Does your significant other "belong" to you? You can believe in ownership all you want, but in reality, people don't belong to you unless they choose it, unless they agree to it. Once they choose otherwise, what can you do about it? You don't have any real claim on them, do you? Perhaps, if you're married, you have a legal claim, but you still can't force them to stay.

This line of inquiry should put you in better touch with reality. Every person is an individual, with their own autonomy, agency, and freedom to make decisions for their well-being. In short, you don't get to control other people. And even if you could exert such control over others, perhaps because society granted you that power, would the relationship be a genuine one? No, relationships are meaningful because two people freely choose to come together.

Being possessive, feeling like you own someone, is actually very disrespectful, because you're treating a human being like a mere object. Treating people as only being valuable to the extent that they are useful to you is a sign of psychological and moral immaturity. At the age of 20, perhaps you still suffer from some adolescent thinking. Perhaps you've been led to believe, through various social or media influences, that love is about claiming ownership. It's time to grow out of that mindset if you hope to have meaningful relationships.

It's morally problematic to treat people like objects because "object" implies that its existence is of lesser value than your existence. An object's value only comes from serving your needs/wants, so it can be used, abused, or discarded at will. That's not real love, is it? That's more like a child clinging to their favorite toys and throwing aside the toys they're bored with.

Remember that the harder you try to claim ownership of something that doesn't really belong to you, the more you hasten the process of losing it. For instance, fear of losing a significant other becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy when your disrespect of their independence gradually pushes them to seek out someone else who is more capable of recognizing it.

An important step in moral development is learning how to see and treat people as subjects, not just mere objects. And moral development in ENFPs is linked to auxiliary Fi development. If you hope for people to recognize and respect you as an individual - to treat you as a subject rather than an object - you have to do the same for them, don't you? When people don't learn this moral lesson, their relationships remain very shallow, defined mainly by power and fear, rather than love and empathy.

If you truly love someone, it means you genuinely appreciate their uniqueness and hope they can live their best life. If they eventually realize that they can't live their best life with you, it would be painful for sure. But true love should allow you to gracefully set them free to search for their best life elsewhere.

On Insecurity

When you really value something deeply, such as a relationship, it is normal and reasonable to be afraid of losing it, because life would be less fulfilling without it. These feelings are to be accepted as the cost of doing business, the price of loving people. However, the ways in which you imagine the loss could happen is where the irrationality begins to creep in.

For example, when you see other girls fawning over your boyfriend, what do you imagine might happen? When Ne is unhealthy, imagination easily gets away from you and into places it shouldn't go. Imagination isn't real, so don't treat it as such.

Knowing what you know about your boyfriend, is there a real possibility that he could be tempted into cheating on you? Does he have a history of cheating? Does he have any problematic views or beliefs related to cheating that give you pause? Do you believe that his romantic feelings for you are weak enough to be easily discarded?

If the answers to the above questions are 'yes', then your fear of losing the relationship would be considered legitimate. At that point, you have to reflect on the strength and health of the relationship and whether there is something that can be done to improve it. You have to face facts to determine whether the relationship is worth fighting for.

If the relationship is indeed on shaky ground, jealousy is merely the symptom alerting you to some kind of "illness" in the relationship. Instead of allowing jealousy to grip you and make the illness worse, you ought to transform jealousy into productive behavior that actually addresses the illness. Using emotions productively is called having good emotional intelligence.

Being bisexual, there is another point that should be relatively easy for you to understand: Love can transcend gender, can't it? If someone is going to cheat, gender isn't the key factor. The key factor is their moral values and whether they abide by them. It shouldn't matter if it is guys or gals fawning over your boyfriend as long as he is the kind of person who believes cheating is wrong and stands by his values. Thinking that gender is the problem is a misdirection, perhaps even a subtle expression of sexism or heteronormativity.

The above speaks to legitimate fear of loss, but when you struggle with fear of loss for no legitimate reason, it indicates the problem lies mainly with you. Perhaps your perspective on the situation is distorted, which gives rise to irrational fear. One of the main reasons people suffer insecurity in relationships is captured in a concept called attachment style, so I suggest you read up on attachment style theory.

In a nutshell, people often learn to be insecure about relationships when their formative relationships were actually lacking in security. Insecurity was the appropriate response to those early relationships. The problem comes when those early lessons get unconsciously and inappropriately applied to relationships later on in life.

For people with insecure attachment style, it doesn't matter who they're with; they could be with the most loyal and devoted person in the world and they would still feel deeply insecure. Why? Because they're being haunted by unresolved childhood issues. However, the past need not determine the future as long as you can become aware of what's happening and work to change your perspective on things.

It is also often the case that people with an insecure attachment style overemphasize the role of relationships in life and in defining the self. Since they didn't get the care and love they needed as children, they are essentially too hungry for it as adults. For example, they might devote too much time and energy to relationships at the expense of other important aspects of life. They might believe experiencing rejection means they are unlovable.

As such, insecure attachment style can also intermingle with other concepts like self-esteem and self-worth. People with low self-esteem/worth are more likely to feel insecure, which can lead to them behaving in ways that seem desperate for assurance, affection, affirmation, or validation from others. Or, it can lead to them avoiding relationships out of fear of rejection or invalidation.

Unfortunately, when you put too much emphasis on other people, it is often the case that you neglect working on yourself. This has two major downsides: 1) Having a weak sense of self makes it all too easy to lose yourself in relationships, which is unhealthy, as it sinks you ever deeper into self-neglect and opens up doors for people to mistreat or abuse you. 2) Giving up opportunities for personal growth gradually erodes self-worth as life falls into stagnation and everything else in life seems to move forward without you.

For ENFPs, weak sense of self is related to underdeveloped Fi, and lack of personal growth is usually related to unhealthy Ne and Si grip problems. If you haven't done enough to develop your functions properly, it can exacerbate problems with insecurity.

You want to be more trusting? Healthy Ne would allow you to be more optimistic, hopeful, and resilient in the face of adversity. Healthy Fi would allow you to draw healthy boundaries between self and other, so that you don't treat people like objects and know when to let go of what isn't yours. Healthy Te would allow you to rise above misleading feelings/emotions/passions of the moment to solve problems more objectively and rationally. Healthy Si would allow you to accept reality with more grace.

Generally speaking, an emotion like jealousy is an indication that you need to go within and discover a deeper truth about yourself and how you relate to the world. You've described the problem in factual terms, which is a good first step. But it's difficult to resolve a problem when you don't grasp the deeper root causes. I don't read minds, so I can't tell you why you get jealous. As explained above, there are several possible factors that might make a person prone to jealousy and you'll have to do more self-reflection on which factors are at play in your case.

#enfp #enfp relationships #auxiliary fi #jealousy #insecurity #attachment style #love #ask

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mbti-notes · 1 month ago

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Anon wrote: Hi, hope you doing good ! I’m a 20yo ENFJ. Lately i was reflecting upon how i feel i don’t have a good awareness of what’s going on around me and how my surroundings are impacting me. Being an ADHDer and possibly autistic, i believed that it may have a role because my perception of space isn’t good because of my ADHD (i need a lot of effort identifying my left and my right, i often lose my way, i trip, almost bump into things or people, when people tell me hey look right here i can’t see what they are talking about, i don’t see people coming to me, i don’t see acquaintances when they are on my way, etc)

But i realized that i wasn’t aware of people too and i’m not sure if it solely due to my ADHD, or if my functions could have a role to play in that. Often, when people will be rude to me, like making fun of me or talking to me with blatant disrespect i just won’t notice it at all and either my friend will stand up for me or if i tell them later casually, laughing it off, they will tell me that it was actually disrespectful, or even concerning. Per example, i was telling to my friends how people treated me at college, laughing about it and they told me that i was actually being bullied by my comrades, but because it wasn’t « frontal » (they didn’t confront me directly but would make sneaky remarks/actions behind my back) i didn’t notice and didn’t think it was serious at all.

Im an 100% sure i’d be able to notice if it was done to someone else or a friend, but when it comes to me it’s not even that i shrug it off or minimize it i just don’t even notice it or i misinterpret it. I do take in consideration advices of my friends about being more mindful of those kind of things, cause i’ve let harmful people coming in my life and hurt me badly because i didn’t get those hints that something wasn’t okay with how they treated me. I’d really like to be able to protect myself from those kind of things, and overall i’d like to be more aware of how i impact my surroundings and how they impact me.

Thanks for reading all that !

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You clearly have some standards that you apply when judging whether behavior is moral or immoral, otherwise, you wouldn't be able to notice people getting harmed. Don't you think it's odd that you apply those standards to others but not yourself? This is called a double standard. Applying double standards (or applying standards inconsistently) is an indication of poor critical thinking skills, which is often related to underdeveloped Ti.

Going deeper than logical fallacies and double standards, what this means is you don't see yourself in the same way you see others. In the worst case scenario, you see other people as discrete subjects deserving of care and consideration, but you see yourself as a mere object that is meant to serve or be used by others? Why do you put yourself in a lower position or consider yourself less deserving?

If you are able to notice harmful behavior done to others but not yourself, it is mainly a problem of unhealthy Fe. It should not be related to ADHD. But it can potentially be related to autism, in terms of having problems conceptualizing the self. However, I don't believe this is usually a problem for high-functioning adults on the spectrum.

Taken to extremes, unhealthy dominant Fe basically leads you to merge your existence into the social fabric, to the point where you lose your individuality. This can be made worse if you also grew up in a family that didn't value personal boundaries, or had parents that compelled you to be conflict avoidant.

In any case, if you want to have healthy relationships, you must learn to draw a healthy personal boundary and enforce it. A personal boundary is meant to strengthen one's sense of self, ensure adequate self-care and, in your situation, promote fairness in relationships.

Are you not equal to others? Do you not deserve the same care and consideration that you see others deserving? If you believe it, you have to act like it, by being assertive: make your needs and desires known, request that others respect you, and enact consequences upon those who disrespect you. In short, you have to teach others how to treat you in the way you want to be treated, aka self-advocacy.

Many people lack self-awareness to varying degrees. However, when you lack self-awareness to the point where you don't even think to protect yourself from harm, it is quite problematic. If you won't act in your best interests, who will? And if you don't insist that people treat you with respect and kindness, who will stop them from mistreating or abusing you?

You can't always rely on others or authority figures to defend your interests. At some point, you have to be independent. For ENFJs, lack of independence is a common issue related to inferior Ti, especially when dominant Fe has become unhealthy and extreme. An important part of growing up into an adult is learning how to take care of yourself, think for yourself, decide for yourself, and speak for yourself.

To develop a more independent mindset, you have to temper dominant Fe extremes with auxiliary Ni development that prompts you to care more about your future self. This involves being able to envision and mitigate negative outcomes. When you can predict that a situation isn't going to be good for your future self, you should act right now to make sure things turn out differently.

Another aspect of this problem is poor emotional intelligence. When dominant Fe has reached unhealthy extremes and the self has been lost to the social fabric, it also means that one's personal experience becomes unimportant. Whatever it is you think, feel, believe, or value is of no consequence to you, so why should it be of any consequence to others? When you don't value how you feel, you're showing others that they don't have to care about you either.

And how does it feel to be mistreated? The appropriate response to mistreatment and boundary violations is anger. Do you ever get angry on your own behalf? There are plenty of people in this world who act harmfully, even violently, without remorse, doesn't that make you angry? Anger is an important emotion that prompts people to build healthy boundaries as well as defend the innocent from the unjust.

In addition to building a healthy personal boundary, you also need to build awareness of emotions like anger that alert you to boundary violations. Living a life without anger is like living without a fire alarm in your house. When your house is on fire, do you just want to sit there like nothing is happening, totally clueless?

I have already written about function development, assertiveness, boundaries, and emotional intelligence, as well as recommended books on the resources page. I think these are the important areas to focus on.

#enfj #enfj relationships #dominant fe #auxiliary ni #inferior ti #boundaries #assertiveness #anger #emotional intelligence #independence #ask

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mbti-notes · 1 month ago

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Anon wrote: Hello! I (ISFJ) have a really close friend (xNTP – he says is an I). We have known each other for a while now, building our friendship through shared experiences and interests. But our emotional connection is almost non-existant. He almost never talks about his emotions, always displays a cheery mood. He never has physical contact with anyone (due to a trauma when he was a child), including his family ; the only exception would be an eventual girlfriend according to him.

I learned 1,5 years later that he almost had a burnout at his previous job, although at the time he only said that several collegues were quitting and the workload was a little heavy and the atmosphere was weird. He recently lost his grandfather, and I could sense that he was sad and a little bit off, but he only said that it's for the best because he was very ill.

Recently, his mother told him that he should probably go see a psychologist to be more connected to his emotions. Even I often feels like he's not at ease with emotions, which sometimes blocks me from sharing mine with him. My question his: what can I do to help us build an emotional connection in a way that would feel comfortable for him? Thank you!

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Being Si dom yourself, you ought to already be aware that what is "comfortable" is largely determined by one's own individual experience with the world, especially when it comes to having a strong preference for the known and familiar. You can't change someone's past experience, nor can you force them to revisit and reinterpret it unless they are ready, willing, and have good reason to.

If he is INTP and also prone to Si loop, change won't come easily. In other words, when, subjectively, a person already considers their status quo to be comfortable, they have little to no incentive to change course (aka inertia). Further, they might believe change is bad and to be avoided. Even when the status quo is painful, people can trick themselves into believing that changing the status quo would be even more painful. Better the devil you know, right?

There's nothing wrong with wanting to get closer to someone. However, you do have to be mindful and respectful of their preferences and limits. Sometimes, a relationship cannot go as emotionally deep as you hope, and that's okay. Part of being a good friend is being able to accept your friends as they are, rather than always wishing for them to be different.

That being said, I believe the bare minimum for being a good friend is to offer care and support as needed. Whenever you see someone going through a seemingly negative time/event, be sure to check up on them and ask how they're doing. Let them know you're willing to listen without judgment and to help out in whatever way appropriate.

Being consistently empathetic and maintaining a safe space for people to be vulnerable is sometimes all you can do. After that, the ball is in their court. You can always try to make overt gestures by voicing your concern more explicitly, but you can't compel people to open up when they're simply not ready or able to. It seems the two of you have been friends long enough that you can push and probe the issue, but proceed slowly and gently and be responsive to feedback.

I say the above purely from the perspective of his needs/wants. Remember that he might treat emotional matters as lower in priority than you, so don't make assumptions about what he needs, and try to operate according to the reality of his situation. When people tell you what they need and want, you should believe what they say. Friendship requires trust. If they're downplaying or dishonest, that's their issue, not yours.

However, there is another perspective to consider: What do YOU need and want? If this is also about you not feeling entirely satisfied because you have a higher need for emotional connection (which can be due to differences in Fe development), then you should reflect on whether you're barking up the wrong tree, in terms of expecting more from the relationship than is realistic. After some reflection, if you realize this need is quite important to you, perhaps you'll have to find an alternative method of fulfilling it, rather than place the burden upon someone who can't meet you halfway.

#isfj #isfj relationships #auxiliary fe #inferior fe #friendship #intimacy #ask

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mbti-notes · 2 months ago

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Anon wrote: I'm INFJ in my mid 20s for context, and I was hoping if you have some insight on some of my questions. Your blog has been massively helpful to me so far. Ever since I realized that external achievements and competence do not determine my worth, or that they are important for a fulfilling life, I felt a lot freer and happier with my life. I can reflect on my fears and biases more objectively and understand where my internal motivations are coming from.

Furthermore, I realized I don't have to please anyone to be liked. No matter what I do or say, there will always be someone who dislikes me, and I am ok with that, because that is their choice and free will. To tamper with that is to undermine their agency and respect as a human being. However, after I self-reflect a lot, I felt extremely lonely.

I realized that most people are still at a lower stage of ego development, as referred to in your type development guide. Because of this, even if my loved ones understand my advice and accept who I am, I feel very alone in my self-development. Even if I found their advice helpful, I do not know if they fully understand their biases as I do mine.

Knowing all of this made me emotionally and intellectually alone. I did not feel this lonely until I reflected on myself, because I was surrounded by people who share the same ego maturity as I do. Now, I am not sure how to deal with this. So, I have read through your entire blog, hoping for some guidance, and to my disappointment, it is rare to find questions that discuss this.

I wonder if you feel the same way when interacting with others, especially those you know are not at the same level as you, maturity-wise. I say this not from a superiority complex, but more so that I feel disconnected from everyone, even when I hang out with people regularly. I want someone to shine a light on this. Thank you so much for reading and considering my question.

P.S. How do you deal with the guilt of taking breaks and thinking that it makes you lazy, even if I know it isn't true.

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I think your question is a good example of the dangers of "self-help". Most people are drawn to self-help because they have a problem/issue that needs addressing. In the best case scenario, self-help provides a path to discover valuable self-insight that promotes change and improvement. Unfortunately, in many cases, that doesn't happen. What's worse, self-help can exacerbate the original problem or even create an additional one.

Why does self-help have a high failure rate? Basically, there are certain unconscious ego development issues that make it difficult for people to judge what help they actually need, so, due to low self-awareness, they end up going in the wrong directions, toward what they "want" rather than what they "need". To put it more bluntly, humans have a great capacity for self-deception. Self-help, by definition, means having no proper outside guidance, no one to call out deceptions. Left to their own devices, people have difficulty judging whether they're on a good path. One of the main reasons I have to keep answering questions on this blog is to help people get back on track.

For instance, people with low self-esteem are often drawn to self-help resources that are primarily about how to feel more "empowered", because they feel a lack of power and thus want power. But that's not what they really need. Unfortunately, much of the self-help advice they encounter boils down to pretending at power. This solution isn't real because it merely masks the problem. At the end of the day, the person is no closer to understanding why they have low self-esteem. When you can't grasp the right causes, it's hard to arrive at the right solution.

In your case, I presume your journey with my blog was sparked by feelings of discontent or unhappiness with your path in life, so you sought to understand yourself and your situation better? Nothing wrong with that. However, because you are not yet aware of the true nature of your unhappiness, it basically leads you to misinterpret what you read.

The concept of ego development is not meant to be used in the way you use it, to categorize and divide people up. Actually, when you understand ego development and apply it properly to life, the result should be that you feel increasingly empathetic and connected to the world and able to connect with a wider and wider variety of people.

The fact that you got the entirely opposite result is a sign that you're operating on a misapprehension. It's also a sign that your ego development is probably not where you believe it is. There's some self-deception going on. Now, you can beat yourself up over this mistake and sink into guilt, since guilt-tripping yourself seems to be an issue. Or, you can take this mistake and learn from it, by figuring out how you came to such misinterpretations.

I don't know the details of your life, so I can only mention a few things about theory. INFJs are naturally "ambitious" people by virtue of Ni seeking to realize greater potential, especially one's own personal potential. However, it is unfortunately the case that immature INFJs turn healthy Ni ambition into something weird, even unseemly. They chase achievement not because they genuinely need it for their well-being and fulfillment, but because they somehow came to believe that achievement is the antidote to some deeper, perhaps still buried problem such as low self-worth, shame, guilt, or alienation.

In your case, it seems that addressing unhealthy striving was a good thing. However, it was merely one layer of a multi-layered problem. You are getting closer but you're not quite there yet. Being unaware of what the underlying problem actually is, it has unconsciously led you to misinterpret and misapply the concept of ego development. You were unable to find previous posts about your problem because you haven't yet accurately identified and named it.

The key words that popped out of your description were deep feelings of "loneliness" and "disconnection". I can tell you that it is not because of differences in ego development that you feel lonely and disconnected. You're looking for an "explanation" for these feelings you're struggling with, so you point the finger at ego development because it is a convenient scapegoat. However, you have misattributed the cause, which is a common sign of Ti loop. Ti loop means there is a problem with Ni+Fe development.

The loneliness+disconnection combo is a legitimate problem that certainly deserves attention and understanding. Why do you intellectualize the problem by looking for a scapegoat rather than address it properly? If you are similar to other struggling INFJs, intellectualization is a preferred defense mechanism, perhaps even self-sabotage.

By turning the concept of ego development into a "hierarchy" of sorts, what you've done is found a convenient replacement for the striving that you were trying to let go of. Currently, what you strive for is higher levels of ego development, because it sounds and feels nicer, maybe more noble or high-minded? If all you've done is replaced the object of striving but you're still basically striving in the same manner you were before, perhaps your progress is a bit of an illusion?

The question you tacked on to the end about guilt is related to striving, is it not? You would not feel guilty about taking breaks and engaging in proper self-care if you didn't still have this unhealthy mindset of striving for achievement, as a means to cover up a deeper issue. The natural question to ask, then, is: What exactly are you covering up?

Loneliness and disconnection are important pieces of the puzzle. Many people use career/work/school achievement to compensate for the fact that their personal life is underdeveloped. How is your personal life? From the few details you've included, it sounds kind of empty. It sounds like you wander through life treating people as objects for your intellectual playground. When you approach personal life and the people around you like that, is it any wonder that you feel lonely and disconnected?

Personal life is a whole different ball game. It's not really about striving, standards, benchmarks, grades, goals, and achievements. But it seems you don't know any other way of being -> THAT is the problem, isn't it? Your perspective on things (Ni) is a bit twisted and inappropriate, and that prevents you from connecting with people on a human or emotional level (Fe).

As a general note, the most unhealthy INFJs I've ever met stick to their twisted and inappropriate perspective (via Ti loop) because they are afraid of opening up. One big reason people stay in tertiary loop is a desire for safety or comfort. Unfortunately, Ti loop ends up in self-sabotage because every decision they make only worsens loneliness and disconnection.

If you truly want to stop feeling lonely and disconnected, then it's important to be completely honest about what's preventing you from connecting with people, especially when it comes to why your mind always plays this mental trick of separating you from others, through pointless labels and judgments.

Judgments of superiority/inferiority are only one of many ways humans separate themselves from others. Okay, you now have enough self-awareness to avoid using those nasty words, but it looks like you've just found another way to separate yourself, by calling yourself "more aware of your biases" than others. It's questionable whether that's true, though.

At this point, it's unclear what your ultimate aim is. Until you can clarify what exactly it is you want, then what it is you really need remains elusive as well. If what you really want is to have great relationships with people and feel connected to a larger community (which would be the appropriate remedies to loneliness and disconnection), then confront those problems directly, rather than intellectualizing and deflecting the issue onto the concept of ego development.

#infj #auxiliary fe #ti loop #loneliness #ambition #guilt #self help #psychology #ask

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