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[mbti-notes]

HI there, My question to you is can one be in denial about being in denial, in the development stages of INFP there is a section that states, still deny negativity and avoid harsh truths, I guess in my case I did not want to believe that was doing this and found it hard to believe until recently is when I have been able to admit this defense exists in me, I put this question because I want to help people sort of get insight to themselves because it can be hard to even admit to you self. Thanks.

You are referring to psychological defense mechanisms: the means through which the ego protects itself against unpleasant, undesirable, or painful experiences. Denial is a defense mechanism that is closely related to another defense mechanism called repression. Repression involves pushing unpleasant, undesirable, or painful feelings away into the unconscious mind so that one does not have to confront them directly. Denial involves pushing away facts that are deemed too unpleasant, undesirable, or painful to confront.

Whenever you are faced with a conflict between your subjective belief versus objective fact, do you have an automatic tendency to side with belief over fact? If so, you might be prone to denial. This can be exacerbated in FPs by overvaluing Fi (feelings) over Te (factuality). To overcome this requires Ne development for INFPs (such that they become more open-minded and willing to consider differing ideas).

Many people don't know how to tell the difference between belief and fact, or they simply don't care about properly distinguishing them. What is the difference?

belief: has yet to be proven true or is merely presumed to be true (without sufficient evidence)

fact: provable (with sufficient evidence) and, once proven, is indisputably true

Looking at it as a neutral and objective party, trying to dispute the indisputable sounds like a futile and even insane thing to do. But that's basically what denial is, and the effort required to dispute the indisputable means that being in denial can get quite tiresome after awhile. You exist in a state of ongoing psychological tension, as reality keeps threatening to intrude upon you. Each time your belief gets contradicted by fact, you have to expend that much more mental energy to prop up and maintain your problematic belief. And, yes, eventually, you even have to deny being in denial because you are just that desperate to keep up the charade.

The point at which it becomes more mentally taxing to keep up the denial than to face the facts is the point at which a window of opportunity opens up for you to break free and rejoin reality.

Despite being a well-known and widespread defense mechanism, most people don't really understand denial and can't detect it in themselves. This is because defense mechanisms operate below conscious awareness. According to psychoanalytic theory, it is necessary to bring those unconscious activities into consciousness so that psychological conflicts can be resolved in a healthier and more rational manner. Of course, this is easier said than done because the ego prefers that unconscious activity stay unconscious for a reason. Anyone wishing to dig into their defense mechanisms will find that they continually meet blocks along the way.

That said, there are some tricks you can use to spot denial. These tricks come from having a deeper understanding of why people use defense mechanisms in the first place. As mentioned above, they are used for ego protection, so it helps to go into detail about what exactly is being protected against. There are three main categories of threat:

1) Pain: There is no going through life without encountering negative people, objects, or events. Even when nothing too tragic happens to you personally, you can't avoid witnessing other people go through tragedy. Any object/event that makes you feel bad, whether afraid, sad, or angry, takes an emotional toll on you. When your capacity to handle emotional pain is limited, denial can be a way to reduce the amount of pain you experience.

However, chronically denying negative feelings and emotions has the effect of blunting all emotional life, eventually turning you numb and making your life seem quite dull or monotonous. Therefore, prevailing experiences of numbness or dullness can alert you to denial that stems from emotional repression.

2) Lack: Sadly, we live in an unequal world and people don't always get their needs and wants met. You may struggle with poverty. You may grow up in an abusive home. You may lose your job in an economic recession. Lacking the means/ability to obtain what is needed for a more fulfilling life causes stress and even long-term distress. A common method of coping is to deny that one has needs/wants in the first place, in order to feel less bad about not getting them met.

For example, a person in a loveless marriage might deny their need for intimacy and keep telling themselves that they love their spouse regardless, or a person who couldn't afford college might glorify a working class lifestyle. However, denying your own needs and wants doesn't make them disappear, quite the contrary, they generally come out in other more destructive ways. The person in a loveless marriage might eventually find themselves in an extramarital affair or using alcohol to cope. Therefore, (self-)destructive behavior or inexplicable formation of unhealthy habits can alert you to denial that stems from lack of fulfillment.

3) Shame: Unfortunately, many children are raised in environments that make them feel less than, inadequate, or unloved, which leads to chronic issues with low self-esteem, low self-confidence, or low self-worth. Shame is a painful emotion because it messes with your self-image. Everyone wants to see themselves in a positive light and it can be quite painful to encounter evidence to the contrary. A common way to avoid having one's self-image shattered is to deny all feedback and criticism from the world.

However, turning a deaf ear to feedback often means that you have no good way of verifying your beliefs. The more you deny feedback, the more distorted, unrealistic, rigid, and fragile your self-image becomes, and the more you unwittingly invite unpleasant feedback and harsh criticism, in a vicious cycle. The shame of feeling less than, inadequate, or unloved can eventually become crippling because of constantly sending you into spirals of self-doubt and self-reproach. Over time, it becomes more and more difficult to deny how much you hate yourself.

Therefore, self-image issues can alert you to denial that stems from shame. For example:

Do you get recurring feedback about a negative characteristic, trait, or behavior?

Do you often get surprised by how others view/judge you?

Do you bristle at the slightest criticism?

Do you often detect judgment/criticism where none exists?

Do you inexplicably do things for attention or validation?

Do you often try to prove yourself to a particular person?

Do you often feel inferior or superior to others, or even both at the same time?

Do you often tell yourself you could do something but just don't want to?

Do you often accuse others of being guilty of something only to get accused of the same thing in return?

Do you feel like you live in a mental bubble?

Do you avoid showing your true self in relationships?

Do you often find you don't know how or where to begin when asked to express yourself?

These are all signs that you might have an unrealistic view of yourself due to being in denial (of shame).

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: What can I do in these situations? I realized I feel very fearful, even phobic about the internet now, by seeing how is talked about the way big companies manage private data, the thing of devices being vulnerable to any cyber attack and the way AI is being used to harass people and scam.

I feel… very terrified by all of this, I don't feel at ease even at my own home by living with smart devices. Is there a way I can make this more tolerable? I know we all need technology in our lifes now, but I don't want to feel spied on and vulnerable by it. It feels… very apocalyptic to me, and has made me fall in a pit of existential despair.

Then I started to think about my forgotten accounts, which made me VERY panicked. What if something happened to them and I didn't know? What if they're used for terrible things?

This worry has become so magnified in my mind, that I fear crumbling down when facing daily life things, and then even become bed ridden by the immense anxiety. I was bed ridden through many years by anxiety before so, this has become a huge concern.

I'm INFJ btw. Thank you very much!

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Your anxiety sounds serious enough that I would strongly recommend getting professional help for it.

Phobias are considered irrational because they are based on faulty reasoning, distorted beliefs, or circular overthinking. For example:

1) Phobics exaggerate negative possibilities because they treat mere "probability" as near "certainty". This is often a problem of being bad at math or logic.

For example, the odds of dying by drowning are about 1 in 1000. What does that really mean, though? Does it mean that if you go swimming 999 times, you'll certainly die by the 1000th? No. What if you rarely go swimming? What if you are an Olympic-level swimmer? What if you only swim in recreational pools with other people and never alone in the sea? There are so many contextual factors that could affect the odds of drowning that trying to calculate the odds is basically meaningless when it comes to making life decisions.

2) Phobics envision mainly negative possibilities and overlook positive ones. This is a problem of distorted perception that then leads to distorted beliefs.

Let's say you read a statistic that car accidents are one of the leading causes of death. Because of this, you developed a fear of driving and thus always have to rely on others to transport you everywhere. Unfortunately, you don't live in a very walkable city, so this dependence on others causes you to lose a lot. You lose time because you often have to take indirect or slower routes. You lose energy because you always have to plan your outings very carefully. You lose opportunities because you can't always get to every place you need to go on time. You may even lose relationships because of being too dependent on people to come to your rescue when stranded.

If you were to objectively compare what you lose by not driving against what you could gain by being able to drive yourself, being able to drive is the better option. Furthermore, the fact of the matter is that you still need to be in a car on the road, but not driving yourself means that you have far less control over the outcome. Generally speaking, feeling less in control only exacerbates fear.

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From these examples, it becomes more obvious why the best way to overcome phobia is to confront it and learn to master it, rather than give in to it. Just as not driving doesn't keep you out of vehicles and off the road, in 2024, there's no way to live life properly without accessing the internet. If you must do something you fear doing, the answer isn't to look for ways to avoid doing it but to learn how to do it to the best of your ability.

E.g. You can learn effective ways to protect your privacy. You can learn how to avoid getting scammed. You can learn how to use social media constructively. You can improve your judgment and be less naive or gullible.

You believe your fear is an indication of a dangerous world out there but, actually, your fear is an indication of your own low self-confidence. People lack self-confidence when they lack the knowledge and skill necessary to meet challenges and solve problems. The world is constantly changing and life will keep throwing challenges at you. The best way to cope is by being a good learner and adapting to change with new knowledge and skills.

Since phobias are irrational, an important aspect of overcoming them is becoming a more rational person, which means it's necessary for you to improve your critical thinking skills. For example, which option is more rational: 1) Avoiding the internet and living in a state of ignorance and anxiety, which basically means your life comes to a standstill? or 2) Learning how to use the internet more wisely, which means you can live your life confidently and fully?

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: ISFP, asexual, beginning a 5-year PhD in a a conservative state. I’ve noticed grad students in the program like to bond over dating/guys (the cohort is mostly women in their 20s). Although my love life is technically none of their business, at every place I’ve worked, people have asked if I’m seeing anyone, what my taste is guys is, etc. I usually “play along” with assumptions that I’m straight and give the sort of answers people seemed to be looking for. But 5 years seems like a long time to fake such a fundamental part of myself. I think I’ll end up having to go against the grain one way or another.

Many people don’t know about asexuality, so not only would I risk people’s prejudice, at minimum I’d probably have to play “educator” about my identity. I’m trying to decide whether to a) clearly communicate that I won’t discuss my dating life with my cohort and then keep enforcing that boundary (which will be hard because I do want to bond with people in the program), b) just say I’m not interested in dating or that I’m “not inclined that way” (although in my experience, that doesn’t deter people from further prying), or c) be honest and open about my identity if anyone asks (but then have to “explain myself” to people)

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It is unfair, tough, and taxing to feel as though you have to hide or suppress such an important aspect of yourself. I do find that it helps to think of it as just one aspect of oneself rather than one's entire identity. The fact of the matter is that people don't know every aspect of each other unless they are in a very close and intimate relationship.

The kind of conversations you're referring to are classified as "small talk". People use small talk as a way to subtly feel out if a deeper relationship is possible, which means it doesn't have to be any more serious than discussing the weather. You get to control exactly how near or far you want to be from people by choosing to respond or not respond to their small talk seriously. Perhaps you're taking it more seriously than is necessary because it's a sensitive topic for you?

Option 1: Limit the truth because it's none of their business. If other people want to assume, then it's their problem, not yours. Speaking from my own experience, unless the person is an outright bigot, I often find it extremely funny rather than offensive when they reveal how ignorant they are through their assumptions about me. Once again, you can choose the degree to which you take such things seriously, which is easier to do when you feel secure in your identity.

I don't think you need to be a hard-ass about it, as you won't make many friends that way. Setting a hard and solid boundary out of the blue or without provocation often leads people to think something's "wrong" with you, which isn't ideal.

I think the issue here is what you call "being fake" or "playing along". I don't really see it that way. I think it's quite possible to be private without being inauthentic. When you're a good communicator, it isn't necessary to lie. There are a million ways to say something without saying it directly. Perhaps your thinking on the matter is too black-and-white if you're framing it as "honesty" vs "lying". Socializing successfully requires more nuance than that.

Yes, you could say it's private business, in a friendly way. There's nothing morally wrong with being a shy or private person, is there? Or you could say... Relationships aren't your priority right now... It's not something you care much about... You haven't met anyone you feel that way about... You haven't really thought about it... You care much more about <fill in the blank>...

None of those statements are lies and they are honest enough that a savvy person might even grasp the subtext. For the less savvy, yes, they might ask further questions, but they'll eventually stop once it becomes obvious that you have little to contribute on the matter. And if someone does press too hard, take it as a helpful sign that they should be avoided.

Although, you shouldn't assume that people are "prying" just for asking questions. It might appear to be prying when you're standing in the perspective of having a secret to keep, but, to them, it's merely curiosity. Curiosity is necessary for furthering relationships, otherwise, how would we get to know each other? Maybe you can learn to take people's curiosity in stride? For example, sometimes a bit of humor works better than a hard boundary.

Option 2: Be open because it shouldn't be a big deal. Do you derive pleasure from challenging people's ignorance and prejudice? There is something to be said for standing up, being visible, getting counted, and providing representation as a minority. You could help advance people's awareness and acceptance. However, if you don't want to be a crusader, what's your reason for being open?

You say you're ISFP, so you presumably think it's important to be yourself and freely express who you are? I agree that this is an important value to hold and uphold. Unfortunately, freedom of expression doesn't mean you are free from consequences. Being a person of integrity isn't always easy since upholding your values can bring undesirable consequences. The logical consequence of expressing yourself freely is that your business becomes other people's business if they take an interest in what you're expressing. The question is: Is this a price you're willing to pay, or is it a price you believe is worth paying?

Option 3: Be selective. There is a third option, which is to only come out to the individuals you trust. Perhaps this middle ground would be more comfortable for you? You won't have to "educate" and "explain" to everyone and face public scrutiny. You'll get to express who you are in a way that's satisfying enough. Of course, the tough part is exercising good judgment about who to trust. It's important to remember that there are good/accepting and bad/prejudiced people everywhere, regardless of whether the place is conservative or liberal leaning.

It is entirely your prerogative as to what aspects of yourself to reveal to others. This is why it's not my place to tell you whether to reveal or not. I can only tell you to weigh the options thoroughly and make the decision that you can best live with.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I'm a troubled INFJ asking on how to find an answer for a dilemma I'm having w my family members. I don't truly hate, but I lack affection for my father and sister; caring for them doesn't bring me comfort.

I grew up in a poor family. From a young age, I witnessed my father indulging in gambling and abusing my mother. Our conversations at home were often filled with yelling and swearing. My mother, despite her kindness and sacrifice, couldn't restrain my father's behavior (I believe my mom is ISFJ). We endured many nights of fear and tears as my father gambled away our livelihood. My father never cared about our education or well-being; his selfish pursuits always came first. He never provided for us financially, spending all his earnings on gambling and accumulating debt.

My sister dropped out of school early and never held a stable job. She is stubborn and refuses to listen to advice. Despite my mother's efforts to support her, my sister remains dependent and directionless. As for me, I finally completed university and secured a stable job despite tons of obstacles that could have made me give up halfway. I contribute financially to support my family, paying off debts and even purchasing land and building a house for my sister. However, the lack of love and warmth in my family has left me feeling lonely and disconnected.

I fear marrying someone like my father and becoming trapped in a cycle of misery. At home, I fulfill my responsibilities but keep my distance emotionally. I provide for my family's needs, but I find myself only caring for my mother, not my father or sister. I wonder if I'm selfish or afraid of responsibility for feeling this way. How do I find an answer to this question myself?

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Growing up in a poor family isn't the issue. The real issue is that you grew up in an abusive environment and thus haven't learned what healthy relationships should look like.

What exactly do you mean when you use the word "responsibility"? Okay, common sense dictates that you are responsible for yourself and the choices you make. But are you responsible for your father or sister and the choices they have made? Do you have a responsibility to fix their mistakes and compensate for their bad behavior? Are you solely responsible for keeping the family together when half of the members don't care?

Yes, it's important to be a responsible person if you want to feel like you have good moral character. However, taking on more responsibility than is reasonable for a single person to shoulder is a serious problem in several ways:

1) It is damaging to your well-being. Responsibility comes with stress, and stress has a deleterious effect on both physical and mental health. Taking on the responsibilities of others compounds stress dramatically. Your capacity to handle stress is finite, which means that you will eventually feel burn-out or experience a mental breakdown or lash out destructively (Se grip).

2) It makes you ripe for mistreatment. Lack of healthy boundaries is a common symptom of Fe overindulgence in INFJs, i.e., it is a problem that needs to be remedied as part of your type development. Taking responsibility for someone else's decisions means that their problems become your problems. If you allow this to happen again and again, you are broadcasting to the world that you are an easy target for manipulation and exploitation. All they have to do is activate your guilt and you'll take care of whatever they throw at you. You'll become a doormat at best and a victim at worst.

3) It rewards other people's bad behavior. Facing up to negative consequences is essential for human learning and improvement. When you take responsibility that should rightfully belong to someone else, you are essentially shielding them from the consequences of their behavior. When there is always someone else to clean up messes for them, what incentive do they have to clean it up themselves? If anything, they are incentivized to make even bigger messes. This makes you complicit in their bad behavior because you are enabling it. When you or your mother are excessively "supportive", you might actually be making this unhealthy family dynamic worse.

Your question implies that you have a duty to always be caring and loving to everyone in your family no matter what. Why do you hold this belief? Do you come from a culture that tells you family is everything and going against them is always a betrayal? There's nothing I can say to help if this is truly what you want to believe.

A healthy family should have a sense of equality and equity. Every member of the family should contribute a fair share. Every member of the family should care enough to only take what is needed (as opposed to take advantage of kindness). Every member of the family should get enough love and support.

When one member of the family behaves in a way that is harmful to the other members, they no longer deserve the privileges of membership. Social "responsibility" shouldn't be one-sided. A relationship is like a social contract where both parties agree to terms and conditions that aim to keep the relationship healthy and thriving. When one party intentionally breaks the contract over and over again, you no longer owe them the duty of carrying out your portion of the contract. Is it reasonable to force yourself to like/love someone who has repeatedly shown that they don't like/love you? Wouldn't this amount to torturing yourself?

Perhaps you think it makes you a bad person for turning on family. Nobody is saying that you have to do bad things to your father and sister or treat them cruelly. The point being made here is that you have a right to be treated with respect and you deserve care as well. And when people don't treat you with respect and care, you have a right to protect yourself from their harmful behavior by pulling away from them physically and emotionally. In other words, you have a right to your personal space, you have a right to set rules of social engagement, and you have a right to end any interaction/relationship that hurts you. Having healthy boundaries means being assertive in advocating for your own needs and well-being.

If you don't learn to set healthy boundaries in your family, this problem is very likely to carry over into your friendships and romantic relationships. Do you want this feeling of loneliness to come up again and again? If not, what you need to do is learn to seek love from the right sources. Family or not, do not hope or beg for a person to reciprocate your love when they have shown you that they are not capable of love. This is part of what it means to have self-respect.

[mbti-notes]

Hi. My spouse and I (both entj or so) both handle conflict terribly. We stonewall, work around each other, withdraw to sulk for hours/days when called out, or at worst lash out verbally. I already find it hard to understand and articulate my emotional needs. It doesn't help when he seems to want clear black and white rules that don't ever have to change according to what's going on with me or accommodate me when I'm struggling. Do you have any tips on how to get started addressing this pattern?

When both parties handle conflict terribly, it's like the blind leading the blind. Since there isn't someone skilled enough to steer things in the right direction, it might be necessary to get expert help from a neutral third party in couple's therapy. It sounds like you both have a lot to learn about relationships. While it's possible to get tips online or read books to make some improvements to the situation, it might not be enough to help you tackle the deeper issues. Therapy is often a more efficient option because the learning is tailored to your specific needs and you get real-time guidance and practice.

Relationship skill is actually a set of skills including things such as: emotional intelligence, stress management, assertiveness, communication, negotiation, conflict resolution, moral reasoning. While it may seem overwhelming to think of how much there is to learn, you can view it as an investment. After all, you spent many years of your life learning reading, writing, and arithmetic so that you could one day be able to support yourself financially. Isn't it just as important to be able to handle yourself well socially in order to live a truly fulfilling life? If you agree, then you should be more than willing to put in the time and effort to learn these skills.

From your description, it's not yet clear to me that your spouse is as up to the task of learning as you are, so this seems like the first major issue that needs to be addressed. Imagine that you're learning to drive and you believe you must follow every little rule of the road at all times, in exactly the way the driver's manual taught you. Would doing this make you a "good" driver? Actually, it could make you a terrible driver and even create dangerous situations. An important aspect of being a great driver is adjusting to the immediate conditions of the road. For instance, driving in a snowstorm requires you to slow down, drive defensively, and grant leeway for others to make mistakes on the ice.

Generally speaking, human beings have succeeded as a species not because of rules, but because they have evolved to be highly adaptable, which keeps them in touch with reality and able to confront the challenges of their ever changing circumstances. Adaptability is especially important in relationships because social interactions are very fluid situations, with lots of variables in motion, with lots of potential for unexpected events. The more you can take the whole social context into consideration, the more likely you are to speak effectively and make good social choices. Emotional intelligence is one important way to increase your mental flexibility and thereby your adaptability, which you can read about in the dedicated articles I've already provided.

Of course, human beings need some rules because life would get too chaotic and fall apart otherwise. However, when a person relies too heavily on rules, they become more and more mentally inflexible, and then rule following can easily become a mental health issue that creates more problems than it solves. (I have discussed before how an exacting rule-based approach to life can be a sign of psychological immaturity.)

Mental flexibility isn't a genetic trait, rather, it's largely learned through environmental influences. This is an important point because mentally inflexible people tend to claim "this is just how I am". This is true only to the extent that people can become more and more set in their habits as they get older. However, this decline into stasis is not inevitable and it does not preclude the possibility of change. In fact, one should actually nurture the ability to change periodically in order to keep the mind active and stave off cognitive decline in old age.

It's quite possible to improve mental flexibility, but, first, a person has to acknowledge that their mental inflexibility is a problem that produces self-sabotaging behavior. Once they can admit the problem, they can address the underlying causes. For example:

- Some people feel as though they need fixed rules because they are afraid of making mistakes, getting caught by the unexpected, or feeling unmoored in unfamiliar situations. The underlying issue is often insecurity, low self-confidence, or distrust of the world. They don't feel as though they can handle situations successfully without rules to guide them through the challenges. Unfortunately, they don't realize that their strict belief in the rules is precisely what prevents them from being able to perform well on their feet. They usually need to learn and practice acceptance, in order to relax and go with the flow better.

- Some people only know to follow rules because they suffer from an utter lack of imagination. The underlying issue is often a stubborn narrow-mindedness or short-sightedness. For them, everything in life exists within the confines of the rules, which means life easily becomes stagnant. They never accept new ideas and thus never encounter ways to improve or progress. Eventually, life moves on without them and they become a relic of the past. This kind of alienation is a painful state. However, if they can acknowledge that pain, it can be used to motivate change and rejoin the flow of life. They usually need to learn and practice open-mindedness, in order to take advantage of good opportunities to move forward.

- Some people rely too much on fixed rules because they use laziness as a defense mechanism. They don't want to deal with complexity, complications, ambiguity, or shades of gray. The underlying issue is often an unwillingness to commit. They simply don't care enough to put out time and effort, often because their efforts have been met with disappointment too many times in the past. They may use rules as easy mental shortcuts or hide behind the rules to avoid being held accountable for bad decisions. Eventually, they fall into deep existential boredom that infects their relationships and drives people away. Their relationships won't improve until they can finally confront and resolve their fear of commitment.

- Some people harp on the rules out of arrogance. They take too much pride in their ability to follow the rules and in having the willpower to resist straying from them. The underlying issue is often egotism or perfectionism. They use rule abidance as a way to define people's worth and cast moral judgment upon those they dislike, and they might even lord the rules over people in order to feel superior. Unfortunately, their perfectionist enforcement of the rules can lead to blowback that worsens aggression in a vicious cycle. Until they can step back, reflect, and become more aware of what's really driving the perfectionism, their relationships will remain extremely shallow and unfulfilling for everyone involved.

I don't know your spouse, so I can't tell you why he's mentally inflexible. Perhaps he's resistant because he doesn't want to face up to his own shortcomings. However, it's important to acknowledge that, in many cases, relationship problems are rooted in the unresolved psychological issues of the individual. Thus, it is necessary to do a certain amount of self-work in order to be a better partner.

Psychological issues shouldn't be viewed as "personal failings" to be ashamed of. It's better to view psychological issues as matters of ignorance - lack of knowledge and skill - that can be properly remedied through learning, study, and practice. Many people think they should go to therapy because there's something wrong with them. In my view, therapy isn't about "fixing" what's "wrong" with oneself in any moral sense. Rather, it's about learning the knowledge and skills you missed out on for whatever reason earlier in life. You aren't born knowing everything and you don't always have the opportunity to learn all the tools you need to tackle life's problems.

Relationships are the prime example. People learn their approach to relationships unconsciously as children, through observing their parents, authority figures, and peers (see: attachment theory). This can be a problem when those people weren't good role models or were bad at relationships, thus passing on unhealthy ways to the next generation. As an adult, it's important to realize your true power. You don't have to keep those unhealthy lessons you learned earlier in life. You can learn how to do better at any time as long as there is opportunity and access to the right learning resources. Your motivation to learn should come from deep within you, from a longing to make the most of your potential.

Is there enough willingness to learn and improve, though? Resistance to learning new things is a big obstacle in personal growth and relationship growth. In order to establish the right frame of mind for growth, both you and your spouse have to nurture as much openness to learning as possible. Once the both of you are equally motivated and committed to improving, the learning can begin in earnest.

My suggestion is usually to start at the surface and move your way down into deeper territory as necessary, which allows you to go gradually from easy to difficult in a logical fashion. The first thing you could learn is better ways of communicating, e.g.: choosing more appropriate words; using more constructive language; framing ideas in a way that is more palatable to the listener; listening more carefully to the real meaning; asking clarifying questions in a neutral manner; etc. A therapist can help you with this and you can also consult the communication books I've recommended on the resources page.

In the process of improving your communication skills, you're bound to meet some obstacles. For example, you may find it difficult to communicate when emotions are heightened. This obstacle points to a deeper issue beneath the surface of the communication of not being able to manage emotions well. Thus, the second layer to work on would be emotional intelligence. When you're working on that, another obstacle may arise, such as a past hurt that keeps triggering heightened emotions. Exploring and resolving that past experience would then be the third layer to work on. And so on and so forth.

In short, each obstacle you run into while learning a psychological skill might point you to a deeper problem. In this way, you gradually get deeper and deeper until you finally bump up against the heart of the matter. There is no timeline I can give you as to how long this learning process takes because there's no telling how deep the matter goes until you get there. It really depends on the individuals involved and how much work each of them needs to do. For some couples, improving communication might be enough to get the relationship back on track. For other couples, they might eventually realize that individual therapy is necessary for healing old psychological issues before they can recommence together.

It's important to be patient and take one step at a time rather than focus too much on the end result. There is always hope to mend and salvage a relationship as long as both parties are willing to make some necessary changes and meet up somewhere in the middle.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello MBTI-notes! I'm an INTJ seeking for help on how to deal w my situation that involves considering finance. I tend to be good at dealing with these practical problems but this dilemma gets mixed into a great relationship that I'm very unwilling to let go, my relationship w my current bf who's INFJ.

I'm not someone who seeks a lavish lifestyle, but I'm apprehensive about facing homelessness in the future, having to rent year-round.

We've been together for over six years. Meeting him brings me so much joy; he's truly the man of my dreams I've been waiting for all these years. My second love. He's warm, gentle, kind-hearted. I can feel his sincerity, he treats me with affection, often buying gifts to make me happy, doting on me. He cooks delicious meals and often cooks for me. Attentive, taking care of me in every way, always proactive in expressing his love. We also understand each other in a spiritual way that no one had ever done to me in my life. A quiet morning with him is blissful. Sometimes, we even know what each other is thinking without speaking.

Everything seems perfect; his love for me is beautiful, but unfortunately, he comes from a difficult family background. Ten years ago, his family had to sell their house to help his father pay off a large debt, and since then, they've been renting. His mother passed away long ago, and now he lives with his father and older brother. He's filial, responsible for the family, the main pillar, burdened with the responsibility of providing for their needs. Financial burden had been his obstacle both in personal relationship & job. Without intrinsic motivation, maybe he would have dropped uni in his last year.

Understanding his situation, I don't demand material things from him. Even when we dine out, I share expenses with him, alternating who pays to ease his financial burden. Often, I feel sorry for him, such a good man in such dire family circumstances. My own family is luckier; we don't have to pay rent monthly, though we're just a middle-class family, not affluent.

In this relationship, I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads. Because of his financial constraints, loving him requires me to consider many things: thoughts of the future, a small family, future children. Is it okay to have no stable home, to rent from year to year? Will we argue over financial matters constantly? Is love enough to overcome hunger? I truly don't know. We love each other sincerely; I'd regret losing him. Is this economic instability sustainable? Should I let go of a good but poor man? I wish he was at least richer.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

----------------------

Deep down, you suspect this is a once-in-a-lifetime relationship, and you may be right. Can you really put a price tag on something as precious as that? You're basically asking whether one can put a price on love. It is a matter of opinion. Some will say yes, some will say no. Perhaps I'm a hopeless romantic, so I would say no. At the end of the day, it is a judgment you have to make based on what you value most in life or how you decide to rank your values. It's not my place to tell you what you value or what to value.

The obvious question is: Have you brought this issue up with him and have you had productive discussions about it? If so, what are the key points you keep getting stuck on? If you haven't discussed it properly yet, that's a problem, because these things should already be clarified by year six of a relationship.

Like you said, you don't demand to live lavishly. You are mainly concerned with financial security, and you use home ownership as a barometer. I don't believe home ownership is an impossible goal for two highly motivated people. You might have to hustle, work hard, be creative, manage finances very closely, choose your residence wisely, etc, but it's possible. It might also help to get expert financial guidance. However, you both have to commit to the goal and make some sacrifices in order to achieve it. For example, he may have to pull back a little from his family duties, or you may have to put off children for a few years.

What are you each willing to sacrifice in order to contribute an equitable effort to this goal of home ownership? In a perfect world, these practical matters shouldn't interfere with love. In reality, they don't have to, as long as you can communicate, negotiate, compromise, and reach an agreement that both parties can live with and abide by. Although money can be a sensitive issue, it is a practical problem, isn't it? So, use practical methods to resolve it.

When you feel stuck, it often means you haven't taken enough action to address a problem. And you should remember that big problems can't usually be solved all at once. You need to break it up into steps and then take one step at a time. By doing this, you create some forward momentum and feel less stuck. Since you are both Ni dom, it might be worth mentioning that you shouldn't approach life as though every decision is a life-or-death or all-or-nothing decision. It is okay to change your mind upon gathering more evidence that things aren't going to work out after all. Until then, all you can do is give it your best shot, step by step. A great way to avoid regret is to make sure you've completely exhausted the opportunity before deciding to move on to the next one.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hello, mbti-notes! I will quit trying to be creative and will just thank you for this blog. I always come here when I need to somehow freshen up my thoughts. I like your approach and your wording.

I was going to ask you a question about a better way of socialising, but before that I wanted to explain my current mental state. It got long, sorry in advance.

So, lately I have been socialising my a** off. Like literally hopping on every opportunity to have a conversation with anybody. Even with people that I feel no sympathy for and initially despise. I tried to prove to myself a theory that I can have a nice conversation with any kind of person. For what?

Maybe, I am thinking, I was just trying to become a «better adult». I have always been told by my parents and elders that I am a sloppy, slow to react child, that is spending too much time in its head. And I felt uncomfortable with that. Though I doubt anyone would be comfortable with listening to such half-teasing accusations )). But I respect and love my elders, though can be bitter sometimes. Unconditional love is a thing, yeah. No one is perfect.

And I just tried to prove myself that I can be that easy-going, light, happy person. I tried and I succeeded. Because you think what you believe - in a lot of cases. And you can go a pretty long way with silencing that tiny voice in your head that keeps asking: «Is that the real you? Why are you trying to become the person that you despise the most? And why do you not feel anything?»

But because there is (Thank God!) such thing as one’s nature, I am entering my usual state currently. With constant cold showers of mild social anxiety, but having my own projects back on the forefront and exploring new interesting topics that fill me with knowledge (and thus providing comfort/sense of self).

But there is a doubt in my head that is always present: may it be that I am just «slacking off»? Not doing enough of my Extraverted Feeling exercises? Should I go back to caring about people around me even if it seems to be pointless, emptying all of my resources and making me feel miserable and hollow? Maybe it is true that «what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger» and I should continue this slightly destructive way of self-exploration?

Because of those constant intrusive (and self-deprecating) thoughts I feel the need to go back in time somehow. In a way, return to the foetus version of me and tell it to feel less guilty for not liking people around it, for not having answer for everything and being a little bit slow to grow up. And maybe take with me that precious naivety of my younger self, that openness which helped me overcome dark pessimistic thoughts with ease.

But I based my whole socialising experiment on trying to prove that the child me was wrong. That elders are right because they are more experienced and know the flow of things better. Simultaneously, though only a little bit, it helps with fear of dying a mediocre person. At least there is a possibility that you will gain «enlightenment» skill with age. It could have been worse, right?

And of course it is not my first experiment. I did a lot of it in my teens too. Now I am just being more conscious about the steps that I am taking.

And my sentences may be lacking structure, that’s why I will try to sum up everything I wrote in one question. If you would be so kind, please answer. I would really appreciate your feedback.

My question:

Is there some better way to stop feeling disgusted with yourself while trying to socialise, other than just straight-up ignoring your feelings and discomfort?

Example:

I am talking with a person. At some point I understand that I do not care about them. Then I feel hollow, because somewhere deep I start to feel that I sincerely do not care for anyone. I even question if I have any feelings at all. Maybe I am just a piece of egotistic shit and that is all to me. To avoid this dark thought I just throw it away. Stuff it in a metaphorical drawer. And maybe try to justify my lack of empathy by thinking that we are all the same and I am not the only one with a social mask. And maybe feel manipulated/tricked by society/media/literature/art for putting in our minds this concept of sincere empathy afterwards.

Thank you for finishing my long ask!

Hoping to receive a reply.

An INTP (early twenties, female)

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I appreciate that you have a desire to improve yourself and I certainly wouldn't want to discourage you. However, I would never suggest anyone try your method. What can I say when people go against my advice? Your case is a textbook example of two mistakes I have repeatedly warned people about:

1) It is important to wait until one is psychologically mature enough to pursue inferior function development, otherwise, one could easily get trapped in inferior grip. You are not yet at the stage of ego development where healthy inferior function development is possible or desirable. The results of your "experiment" only confirm this.

2) It is important to approach type development with the right intention, armed with the right understanding of its grand purpose, otherwise, one is likely to exacerbate developmental issues or create even more. Your motivation for function development was suspect from the start. It is apparent in your admissions that you are driven by ego, childishness, and faulty reasoning (that keeps you trapped in your own world of distorted beliefs).

Why do people socialize? They need relationship. To be successful in interpersonal relationships, you have to: invest in strengthening relationship bonds over the long term; care about psychological well-being; open yourself up to being seen and loved. It doesn't sound like any of this was happening. How can a proper relationship form when your intention in socializing is merely to prove some imaginary point? Other people don't really exist for you except as objects to be used and discarded once the point is proven. There is no "social" in your socializing. There is no "Feeling" in your Extraverted Feeling actions.

As far as I can tell, one reason you've faltered is that you don't know what exact problem you're trying to solve. From your description, it seems the main problem is a lack of feeling and empathy. Forcing yourself into inappropriate socializing situations isn't going to solve this problem. If lack of feeling/empathy is indeed at the root, then you ought to focus primarily on it. Lack of feeling/empathy isn't a crime and doesn't automatically make you a bad person; it is a legitimate psychological issue that people experience for a variety of possible reasons. Take time to understand how and why you suffer from this issue. Perhaps consult some experts on the matter.

Putting yourself down or destroying yourself is unnecessary and counter-productive. Self-denial and self-hatred are major impediments to personal growth. If you truly want to grow as a person, the first thing you have to do is face facts and accept the truth of what you are, rather than live in a fantasy world where you believe that weaknesses and faults can be eliminated with the wave of a magic wand. Only by being seated firmly in reality will you have the right frame of mind to learn effective coping and adaptation strategies to make the best of what you have.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: ENFJ. I have an ESTP friend but our friendship is struggling bc we both want to be good frs but handle our friendships differently. We’re having to make exceptions for each other. We want to stay friends but worried burdening the other with our requests.

I value the quality of my friendships. I don’t check up on my friends frequently nor do my friends check up on me frequently. However, once every few days we’ll catch-up in a meaningful, long convos. The ‘N’ part of me really likes rambling convos. He doesn’t like catching up once every few days bc he gets skeptical of the friendship & thinks one day, I'll forget to catch up & never talk to him again. He prefers short, daily updates and that’s how his friends keep in contact w him. The ‘S’ in him really struggles to make him talk about his ideas unless it’s happening in the near present.

We don’t live near each other, but we try to meet in person once every 2 wks or so. The best times we have together are when we’re face to face but over text, our friendship feels ‘distant’? I used to give him more frequent onl updates to accomodate to his preferences but he'd give me dry, simplistic replies which puts me off wanting to tell him what Im up to. He admits he’s not great at deep convos but it still hurts his feelings that I don’t talk w him frequently anymore.

I feel like he wants too much of my attention and my ESTP friend feels hurt that I can go a few days without talking to him. How should an ESTP x ENFJ long distance friendship operate in your eyes? If you even think it can work.

----------------------

I think a relationship can continue as long as both parties are willing to work on it, which seems to be the case here. Since the two of you have different "keeping in touch" preferences, there needs to be more acceptance of those preferences from the both of you. For example:

- On your part, you shouldn't be so put off by his "simplistic" replies. You're being too judgmental and not really seeing those interactions from his point-of-view and what they really mean to him, in terms of making him feel more secure about the relationship. Does it really cost you dearly to send him a quick text everyday? Realistically, it doesn't cost you much time or effort, but the value to him is far greater than you're acknowledging. Sometimes, it's worth it to make a small sacrifice when the benefit would be much larger than what is sacrificed.

- On his part, he shouldn't make assumptions and reflexively jump to the conclusion that you don't care just because you don't contact him every day. Insecurity like that isn't based on the reality of the situation, and he needs to be more realistic and accommodating in his expectations. Long distance relationships are indeed more difficult to maintain, so one must accept that a price must be paid for the reward of a continued friendship.

Right now, the two of you are on opposite ends trying to pull the other to their own side. That's a "tug-of-war" approach that produces friction and conflict. What you need is a "middle ground" approach where you each take a few steps forward and meet up in the middle. This means both of you have to give a little and adjust your expectations. Compromise means that nobody gets everything they want but at least you both get enough to justify continued investment in the relationship. You basically need to hammer out an agreement that both parties can live with and promise to abide by.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: I (ENTP) am conflicted on whether to try to resolve or end this unstable friendship with an ISFP.

For context: I’m an ENTP and my friend G is an ISFP. We’re both in our late teens and have been platonic friends for a year an a half. We share the same friend group. I’m neurodivergent, have anxiety, and tend to have depressive episodes.

At the beginning of our friendship, G was facing issues in their home life and mental health. I was supportive of them, and they gained the courage to ask for help from their family to get therapy. G seemed very insecure so I often tried to push them out of their comfort zone bit by bit. It worked out quite well as G started trying out new hobbies and overall seemed more satisfied with their life than before.

While I thought everything seemed to have worked out, I noticed G (who admitted to me) started becoming overdependent on me. G often mentioned how I was the ‘only one’ who helped them and how much I changed their lives. I simply took these statements as an exaggeration of gratitude as I didn’t think I played a big part in improving their mental health, as after all had G not been willing to change/ get help, nothing I tried would’ve worked. I also seemed to have been wrong as our friend group has pointed out G puts me on a pedestal.

This is when I noticed these patterns of behavior from G:

-if I don’t text them every day, G assumes I hate them and starts spamming and interrogating me. I don’t text anyone everyday, never have. To me, that’s too much. I’ve tried to explain to G if there are periods I don’t text back, it means I’m either busy, stressed, or having a depressive episode. G still always assumes the most negative outcome: I hate them. I’ve been in the wrong at times where I’ve not texted back for 2-14 days due to burn out from school/ tiredness from dealing with G’s unstable emotions.

-if G gets upset because of the texting issue, they ghost me for a couple of days/ weeks unpromptedly. Unadding me on social platforms, blocking me, you name it. Once they miss me again, they go back to spamming me, sometimes apologizes for ghosting. But it’s all meaningless as they go back to ghosting yet again. When they ghost me, I try to give them space as I literally can’t reach out to them but G sees this as evidence of their persistent assumption that I’m unaffected/ don’t care about them. I’ve expressed to them that I do care about them many many times, it’s just that G’s mood swings I have to deal with mentally exhaust me.

-G is very insecure about their identity and sensitive. We are complete opposites in personality. But lately I’ve noticed they’ve been putting on this sudden act of being nonchalant and carefree. Many times they copy what I would say and how I would phrase it word for word. Our friend group has pointed this out on several occasions. It creeps me out at times.

-At times when I sense G is upset at me, I ask if anything is wrong, try to resolve it. They act nonchalant and say nothing’s wrong (It seems at times they imitate their false impression of me to get me to act towards them the same way they do). It’s a lie as they later black and ghost me soon after. Ghosting periods don’t last.

And currently that’s the state we’re in. I’m unadded on all platforms after I had a conversation with them asking if they’re alright to which G said ‘perfectly fine’

I’ve told G multiple times how much I don’t like the spamming, how I’d rather we text less often (everyday is too much for me), how i’m don’t like them psychoanalyzing my every word and action and drawing a baseless conclusion on my character, many times I’ve had to explain myself when I’ve done no wrong. They do this so often I actually struggle to believe we’ve only known each other for a year and a half; it feels like it’s been forever.

What to do in this situation I’m left in?

----------------------

It is a difficult situation to be in. The most important thing you need to understand is that G's negative pattern of behavior isn't about you. It's really about their own insecurity. Insecurity can arise from many possible factors, such as anxiety, stress, low self-worth, fear of loss, or traumatic relationship experiences. In extreme cases, insecurity can manifest as neediness, clinginess, lack of healthy boundaries, and even emotionally manipulative behavior.

Insecurity isn't something you can fix for someone. The most you can do is be reassuring, try to make them more aware of the problem, and if they're receptive, offer to help or get them help for it. At the end of the day, they have to recognize the problem and seek out a remedy. Unfortunately, some people can't stop repeating their destructive patterns and have to lose relationship after relationship before they admit that they need help. It remains to be seen whether G is one of these cases.

Where does that leave you? If you understand that this issue isn't about you, you might be able to approach it from a more objective vantage point. For example: You'd see G's suffering clearly and address it sensitively. You'd be more focused on support rather than offense. You wouldn't get baited into conflict. You'd communicate matter-of-factly rather than escalate. You'd be a better judge of when to engage and when to step back.

Being more objective won't solve G's problem, but it might bring down the intensity and make interacting less exhausting for you because you're not taking things too personally. This would be the path to take if you genuinely care for G and want to keep this relationship.

Of course, you are free to choose the exit. One of the reasons insecurity often leads to relationship breakup is because there eventually comes a point where all the focus is taken up by one person and the other person's needs are entirely neglected. I think you have reached this point. G doesn't listen to you, doesn't believe in you, doesn't respect your boundaries, doesn't take action to care for your well-being. At this juncture, you have to ask yourself what value this relationship brings to your life. If a relationship really brings you nothing but hurt and pain despite all your efforts to improve the situation, what is there left to do but exit?

Before that point, though, you can communicate your needs and draw your boundaries more forcefully, and give plenty of warning to G that you're reaching a breaking point if nothing changes on their end. Unfortunately, given how much the relationship has deteriorated, I believe it is necessary to be more direct and blunt about your feelings at this point. However, it's risky, because it can go one of two ways: Either G gets shaken into facing the reality of their insecurity and makes a change, or they sink further into insecurity and destructiveness. Either way, you'll know the truth about what is or isn't possible for the future of this relationship.

I'm not saying the only options are bear it or quit it. Right now, there's still a possibility that G is amenable to change if you raise the topic of their insecurity in the right way, though good communication. After all, I'm sure you have some powers of persuasion and you have helped them change their perspective before. However, once that possibility has been exhausted and you no longer see any hope for moving forward, then you have to search your heart, consider your values, and make the best decision for the sake of everyone's well-being.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: WARNING: abuse, sexual assault. Hello, I want to ask for your opinion on how I could convince my sister to let her daughter undergo therapy.

So, we just found out that my sister's daughter got sexually assaulted by her art class male teacher. It couldn't imagine how terrible it would be for my niece, but what surprised me more was how she didn't even tell her mother. We only knew abt the matter when her classmate reported to her parents & called their teacher out.

I told my sister to have her daughter in therapy but she rejected, saying that her daughter should forget abt the trauma & SHE HERSELF also didn't want to relive the memory, & that admitting to therapy equals saying that her daughter was abused to the neighbourhood.

I'M SO INFURIATED! How could she be so irresponsible tws her daughter, is it now the time to care abt image? What would happen If she got into the same problem again? Will my niece have to be mentally ill for the rest of her life?

Anyways, I can't let this happen! Please help me convince my sister bc I don't want mt niece to be eternally afraid of people at all. We're in an Asian country if that helps. Thank you so much!

----------------------

I'm sorry to hear about this incident. School should be a safe place for students. However, I have to say that your thinking on this matter seems a bit naive, which won't lend itself well to having a positive influence on the situation.

1) Like it or not, your niece isn't your daughter, and the fact of the matter is that you don't get to say what is best for her. Be warned that approaching your sister and niece in an overbearing manner, full of underlying rage and blame, might make them both recoil from you and perhaps gradually turn you into an enemy.

In order to be a supportive player in this scenario, you have to offer help in an empathetic and patient manner, rather than expect immediate results. You can't force help on those who don't want it. The best you can do is keep leaving the offer of help on the table and allow people to accept it whenever they are ready.

Secondly, in order to be an effective helper, you must learn how to respect people's boundaries. When boundaries have already been violated and broken by sexual assault, it is normal for victims to want to rebuild and reinforce their boundaries in order to protect themselves from further harm. They might need some time to recover a sense of safety before being able to accept help. You marching into the picture to re-violate boundaries isn't helpful.

Also, I don't think you've really understood your sister's perspective. Do not underestimate how much this situation might have also hurt her. It is very difficult for mothers to reconcile a failure to protect their children. Pressuring your sister to force her daughter into therapy in full view of the wider community has the potential to violate both of their boundaries further if it would invite social shaming, stigma, bullying, or ostracization (of the sort commonly seen in Asian cultures). This should absolutely be taken into consideration.

The last thing either of them needs is "help" that risks further hurt and injury, which means you need to approach them with more than one idea for how to proceed in healing and recovery. You're making it sound like there's only one option, but is that true?

2) Psychotherapy isn't some magical cure-all. Forcing people into therapy when they don't want to be there can actually be harmful. In order to maximize the odds of success, a person must enter into therapy willingly AND possess enough ego strength to manage facing up to psychological pain and suffering. It doesn't sound like these criteria have been met yet. The vulnerability and fragility of the victim should be taken into consideration.

3) Sexual assault experience does not equal mental illness. Do not underestimate how well humans can cope with adversity. Different people have different ways of handling negative experiences. Different people have different levels of resiliency and adaptive capabilities. You have not provided any detail about your niece's capabilities or the severity of the assault, which are important factors to consider, because some forms of assault are easier to get over than others. While your niece may need some kind of help, it remains unclear to me whether therapy is indeed the best form of help at this moment.

4) It sounds like you don't have much knowledge of victim psychology, which means you should tread very carefully in order to avoid re-traumatizing or re-victimizing your niece. The fact that she didn't come forward says a lot about her relationship to her mother, the family, and the world at large. It might signal a problem with alienation or a very concerning lack of trust. It is very sad when a child feels as though they have no one to turn to. In no way should they feel punished for being afraid to speak up, especially when the adults around them have given them reason to be afraid.

If you want to attend to your niece's well-being first and foremost, then be someone she can trust. If she refuses therapy, she should at the very least have someone trustworthy to confide in, someone wiser who can comfort her, understand her, guide her, teach her what lessons to draw from this experience, and protect her from outside interference. If you can be this person for her, try. If you can't, try to find another good candidate. By gaining her trust and truly hearing her, she may eventually open up to the idea of therapy in due time. Sometimes, the best way to motivate parents to advocate for their children is to teach children how to advocate for themselves to their parents. Should she not have some say in how this situation proceeds?

[mbti-notes]

Hi, ISFP here. I'm struggling mentally and keep going in Ni spirals where I overthink and worry. I over interpret things. I have a lot of anxiety and I know it's contributed to me being out of work right now. What other Se things can I do to get myself out of this funk? I've talked myself out of the Ni talk and told myself to take things for what they are, rather than what they could be.

Careful. Type development is a method of realizing your greater potential; it's not meant to be applied as a cure for mental disorder. Tertiary loop isn't the main problem but merely a symptom or aggravating factor of the deeper psychological issue. While treating symptoms (like negative self-talk) can bring some relief, the relief will always be meager or temporary as long as you're not addressing the root causes.

You need to get to the bottom of whatever is inducing your anxiety in the first place. Since you haven't provided info pertaining to root causes, there's not much more I can say. If you're like other Fi doms, it's likely there are some problems, issues, or obstacles in your life that you haven't fully faced up to. The longer one leaves problems to fester, the more likely they are to make one feel anxious. If this is true in your case, it's time to tackle those problems properly.

Se development should be helpful in encouraging you to confront problems bravely and honestly as well as be proactive in seeking out realistic and practical solutions. Oftentimes, Fi doms are avoidant because of low self-confidence, stemming from a lack of knowledge/skill, so it might be necessary for you to get expert guidance or help for addressing the root causes of your anxiety.

[mbti-notes]

Hey, hope you are doing well ! I had a question concerning one issue i’m dealing with.

I’m a 19yo ENFJ. In the ENFJ ego development article, i recognize myself when it’s say « you imagining being criticized ». I’ve noticed that when i’m sharing an opinion, when i’m expressing my feelings, or when i let someone know that i didn’t like something they did to me, i imagine them saying like the worst things to me and i get angry, defensive, as if they really did. Lately it has gotten a little better because when it starts, i’m able to tell myself that it is all in my mind, that i can’t tell that they will react like this, that it won’t help to assume the worse, that those people would never do me like that. But it’s still is really stressful and overwhelming. Any tips to manage it and understand it better ?

You seem to be referring to underlying self-esteem and self-worth issues that are common for FJs, so I suggest you read past posts. As explained in the Type Dev guide, the key to personality development lies in the auxiliary function. It provides introverted balance to extraverts (as well as extraverted balance to introverts).

To be an "immature" ENFJ basically means Fe+Se often run away into extremes because there is no introverted counterbalancing force. Such ENFJs only know to define people's identity or measure their worth through external appearances. As long as you can maintain the appearance of being a good person through obtaining momentary praise from others, then you're really a good person? As long as you can maintain the appearance of harmony by submitting to others and denying the disharmony you feel within, then your relationships are really strong? Proper auxiliary Ni development should help counter this superficial way of thinking.

Do you live your life as though you're always performing? Is the way you behave in front of others the entirety of who you are? Is there nothing inside you that exists independently from how others perceive you? If you're constantly allowing others to define and measure you, you will suffer from insecurity, since your feelings about yourself will shift with every little change in the social winds.

Developing introverted functions involves forming a stronger sense of self with a solid personal boundary, and possessing inner substance that others don't always see and can't touch. As such, your opinion about yourself should matter just as much, if not more than outside opinions. An important aspect of ego development is learning how to be an independent individual, to stand on your own two feet and stand up for yourself as necessary. Of course, you can learn to advocate for yourself in a way that produces as little harm to others as possible, e.g., by improving your communication skills or conflict resolution skills.

The purpose of Ni+Ti development is to connect with the whole truth. It sounds like the root of your problem is that you don't operate on truth but merely on insecurity. The consequence of caring more about surface appearances than underlying truth is that you won't know the truth of who you are, and your naivete makes you gullible and susceptible to any and every attempt by others to influence you (for good or bad). But when you value the truth above all else and know how to connect to the whole truth of who you are, the words of others will only matter to you to the extent that they are truthful.

[mbti-notes]

Hi! I came across this post of yours /post/179222467392/you-once-said-that-you-are-not-a-religios-person and i was wondering what the things are in Buddhist philosophy that u dont agree with? And also how did u manage to tap into the oneness belief? I heard ppl often get there thru ego death by using meditation or psychedelic drugs. Lately I have been into this topic and into getting into that oneness belief and you seem to know a great deal about philosophy!

If you're new here, philosophy is one of my majors. I learned religious philosophy as part of my studies in the history of human thought, so people sometimes ask me about these topics.

- To be clear, I am sympathetic to Buddhist beliefs and I think the religion has a lot to offer people. Buddhist philosophy underwent a lot of change over the centuries as the religion spread through very different cultures. When you dive deep into the scriptures, you'll find some truly wild ideas about multiverses and supernatural beings. It's hard to get on board with those ideas if you are a rational and scientifically minded person.

At this point, there are several different branches of Buddhism that sometimes hold very contradictory beliefs, yet they all still call themselves "Buddhist" (contrast this with Abrahamic religions that splintered three ways). Such contradictions are possible because Buddhist beliefs are almost designed to be impervious to critique. On one hand, this allows for great diversity of thought. On the other hand, it can make the whole thing seem nonsensical.

For example, I don't agree with how Buddhists conceptualize and characterize the human ego. However, as soon as I raise those objections to these Buddhists over here, some Buddhists over there will argue that there are different levels of understanding and many different ways of looking at the ego depending on how far you've gotten in your Buddhist practice. They simultaneously accept and dismiss my objections. Thus, if you want to be Buddhist, you basically have to accept this sort of incoherence and perhaps dismiss it as illusory or the result of small-mindedness.

At the end of the day, whether I agree or disagree with the beliefs is inconsequential, because no objection is really real or pointing to anything permanent. But when all your thoughts and feelings and behaviors can easily be dismissed as unreal, what happens to your life? Whether or not your life is objectively real, it still seems real to you and you have to live it, and the suffering you experience feels real. Can you dismiss it as just ephemera? There has always been an internal debate in the religion about whether one should be apart from or a part of the material world, and I don't think this kind of ambiguity helps people who are already struggling psychologically.

- I guess you could say I came to the belief in oneness first through intuition, then through science, then through philosophy. I think I mentioned before that, as a child, I genuinely believed that everything in the universe was imbued with some form of consciousness (aka panpsychism). It's not an uncommon belief in children because the human mind has a tendency toward anthropomorphism. For example, I would wonder whether stepping on the sidewalk was hurting it. People had to reassure me that if the sidewalk had feelings, its feelings worked differently than human feelings, otherwise, the sidewalk would object in the same way I would to getting stepped on.

Most people grow up and forget about these silly notions, but I didn't. Psychologists say that normal infant development starts at oneness and evolves into individuality. I feel like the world tried to convince me that I'm this separate, discrete, individual being, but I just couldn't believe it. Separation has always felt to me like a very wrong way to be. Who is right, the psychologists or me? I don't know. Maybe a Buddhist would say we're both right and we're both wrong and that neither is seeing the bigger picture.

To me, it seems as though I was born believing in panpsychism because I don't remember a time when I didn't believe it, so there is no actual "origin story" or explanation as to how I came to the belief. If I am capable of consciousness, why wouldn't it be possible that everything else is as well? If I am capable of being conscious of others, shouldn't there be something out there conscious of me? And if consciousness exists everywhere in everything, isn't reality fundamentally relational? In order for these beliefs to stand, I had to possess the underlying belief that everything in the universe is somehow interconnected despite superficial appearances.

Then, I studied science in school and learned that all matter in the universe is made up of the same constituent elements. We are all stardust. At the atomic and quantum level, the boundaries we perceive between objects are difficult to define. As an adult, I studied philosophy and was introduced to the full gamut of human thought and learned that oneness was a key concept in many Eastern religions. Actually, several influential thinkers in the West (such as Jung) were heavily influenced by Eastern philosophy. Philosophical training helped me sharpen and refine my spiritual ideas.

- Yes, some people come to a belief in oneness through psychedelic drugs. Presumably (according to the limited research that has been done so far), these drugs help to "open up the mind" by restructuring it in such a way that expands one's perspective beyond one's narrow everyday ego concerns. Some people call this "ego death", but I don't like that term. As I mentioned above, I don't agree with Buddhist conceptions of the ego, which some secular Buddhists blithely reduce to "ego death = enlightenment". If you read my previous posts on this topic, you'll see why. I don't believe the ego is a bad thing or an enemy to be vanquished. I've seen how aspiring to ego death can go terribly wrong for people. And I've been exposed to different perspectives on ego and believe there are better ideas out there.

[mbti-notes]

hi! i have two questions, one from the perspective of a reader, and the other of a writer.

firstly, how worthwhile do you think it is for us to analyse the mbti of fictional characters? it has occured to me that since they were created by a person, isn't it very possible that they have been written to have contradictory characteristics?

secondly, do you think it would be okay for me, as a writer, to use mbti types to develop my characters? or is there a possibility that i end up making them too cut-and-paste and unrealistic?

looking forward to your inputs :))

1) I'm not sure I understand the question. According to type theory, people are indeed contradictory creatures, so it would be realistic to write characters that way. Contradictions provide grist for growth.

Perhaps you mean that characters are written too inconsistently or nonsensically to be realistic, which does indeed happen due to the writer having poor writing skill and/or a poor understanding of human psychology. If that's what you mean, the answer to your question is: It is only worthwhile to assign a type to a character if it allows the writer and the audience to develop a deeper appreciation and understanding of them. For instance, people have asked me to analyze fictional characters because it grants deeper insight into character motivations that they couldn't get otherwise.

2) It really depends on your level of knowledge and expertise. Many people merely use type to stereotype because that's all they know how to do. If your understanding of type theory is quite superficial, then your characters will end up being superficial. If your understanding of type theory is rich and complex, your characters will end up rich and complex.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, thank you so much for sharing your knowledge here, your work is truly a gift in providing reliable reference to study MBTI. I need help with typing my personality. I am a 29 y.o female, I was diagnosed with anxiety and had depressive episodes. My guess is I am an Ni-dom, I relate more with Fi-Te axis so I’m considering INTJ, but also INFJ because I don’t fully believe I am a thinking type.

For Ni dom and Se inferior (for INTJ and INFJ): I seek explanation for patterns that I see like noticing if the traffic is emptier than usual during a public holiday, then thinking maybe it’s because people are celebrating at home, or people celebrated last night until late. Then such observation informs my future planning i.e. “last year, people celebrated at home so the traffic might be empty during that public holiday and we should schedule a day out”.

Ni-Se is shown in how I often live based on “how things should be”, like following a tested routine that would ideally save time and money but gives me stress and discomfort, and I didn’t allow myself to spend money required to side-step inconveniences that suddenly happen outside of that routine because it doesn’t feel right. I postpone going outside unless all the conditions are met, like leaving at the intended time, have learned the route, and have planned what to do there.

Te-aux and Fi tert (for INTJ): For important project, I want to ensure there is high probability of success by searching for evidence like when applying for scholarship, I searched resumes of past awardees to model a situation i.e. “If I have A, B and C happen, there are higher chances of getting the scholarship. I haven’t found evidence where someone had those three and didn’t get it”, then look what factors I’m lacking and where to get it. In a leadership position, I want everyone to be engaged in the project, but if someone is being irrational, I believe it’s best to go with what gives best outcome because people will come around once they see good result.

I relate to Fi because I use my past experience as a way to relate to others, like often saying “If I were you…” or “I would do that too” which could point toward Fi. Tert Fi also made me criticize myself, like if I have an episode of uncontrolled emotion or if I have made another friend hate me, I would just say “Well, that’s just who you are, a person who have difficulty controlling your anger and bad at socializing".

Past loop behaviour (Ni-Fi but could be Ni-Ti): In high school, I was in science olympics, met people smarter than me, and started to fail more often. I also admired a guy (maybe INTP) because his intelligence comes from genuine interest in knowledge. So I rationalized my failure was because I chased external goals and because I wasn’t genuine enough like the INTP guy, then blamed my parents for giving pressure to achieve things (faulty conclusion), and started hating people who are ambitious or who follow the rules. I was inspired by some of the athletes which made me missed pursuing something competitively, so I decided to be competent in my chosen field starting by having good grades.

Fe-aux and Ti tert (for INFJ): I don’t fully relate with INTJ because I laugh a lot and smile a lot in a large group conversation, especially if I feel the need to impress that group, which I don’t see in the INTJs I knew. When talking to people, I search for topics that would will make it a good conversation (things that will encite strong emotions in them, or talk about their goal, or my goal, it should be a balanced exchange). I often assume what people are thinking, like “This person seems happier when talking to person A than when with me, maybe because I dissociated too much before so our connection was not as strong”. When watching movies, I am often interested in the characters’ motives and how they make decisions, and how the world responds to such characters.

My Fe could be unhealthy because I judge people quickly in a negative direction without having the patience to keep a neutral position to investigate first. My interaction with people ended up making me feel annoyed often because I focused on the bad qualities in people, like people using MBTI superficially to feel superior or people hating for the sake of hating other groups (could be Ni-Ti). I hope I give clear enough details on the function, and thank you again for helping me with this typing

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The submission instructions state that you must respond to all the points in the guide for every function you are examining. It appears you haven't used the guide properly, so your description is lacking in detail. You have given me the info you believe is relevant rather than giving me specifically what I asked for. This means I can't do a full analysis. There's enough for me to conclude that INTJ is unlikely, but not enough to confidently confirm that INFJ is the correct type.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi! I wanted to ask about how to handle situations where your instincts are at odds with what someone is telling you about themselves? I'm an ENTP, and I am in the process of considering a relationship with someone. They are also an ENTP, and I feel like we have a lot of shared thinking and communication preferences because of this. Our values are aligned and our dynamic feels easy and comfortable, but there is one thing about this relationship I'm uncertain is or is not a dealbreaker.

They are fearful about feeling suffocated by committing monogamously to one partner, classic ENTP fears exacerbated by past relationship experiences. When they describe in depth what they want in a relationship though, we are on the same page. The reminder about being nonmonogamous only comes up when they get anxious reflecting on the past. Knowing both of us, I don't foresee suffocation being an issue at all.

However, it does feel like there are things about themselves they are still learning, and I'm uncertain if I should stick around and wait things out and also help them soundboard, or whether I should politely bow out. Being an ENTP myself, my instinct is to live and let live. I believe that people have a right to discover and define themselves, but I am hesitating because there are many other positive things here. I have been burned by being overinvolved, but I have also been burned by leaving things be before. Please help!

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Relationships are inherently risky. Why? Humans are unpredictable. A person can experience a change of heart for any number of reasons, many of which are beyond your control. But you can't win if you don't play. For example, nobody gets married with the expectation of divorce. Even when they recognize the risk, all they can do is hope to beat the odds.

When you're debating whether to enter a serious relationship, it's easy to get caught in the tension between uncertainty and hope. The concept of "hope" lies at the heart of many of the type development challenges that Ne doms face in life. Have too much hope and you lose all sense of reality, but have too little hope and you descend into stagnation. The method that ENTPs commonly use to cope with this challenge is to activate Ti to calculate the odds of success. The lower the odds, the more you should temper your hopes. The higher the odds, the more you can lean into hope.

While I agree that trying to calculate the odds of success is a mature and smart thing to do in general, I don't agree that this method is sufficient for making decisions about matters of the heart. If it were sufficient, you wouldn't have such a hard time coming to a firm decision. Since people are unpredictable, we have little choice but to navigate relationships on concepts like "faith", "trust", and "want", i.e., concepts that defy quantitative analysis.

1) What is "faith"? It can have many different meanings and connotations. For our purposes here, faith boils down to your degree of confidence. Are you confident that, no matter what happens, you will get through it and life will go on?

For example, people who fear getting hurt usually lack faith in many areas. They lack faith in humanity. They lack faith in the world to provide for them. Most importantly, they lack faith in themselves and their ability to cope with pain. Hence, they hold back and miss out.

This raises the question of where faith comes from. Have you ever met a person who has been through unspeakable tragedy and yet still maintains a positive outlook on life? By definition, faith isn't based on anything concrete and does not require hard evidence to justify it.

Faith is simply a choice you make to believe in possibility. This belief has two important elements:

understanding that possibility is neutral before its realization, i.e., any given possibility can turn out either good or bad for you

understanding that, when one possibility doesn't pan out for you, more possibilities will always come along

From this, you can see why people high in faith tend to be optimistic, whereas people low in faith tend to be pessimistic, regardless of circumstances. Low faith people are more likely to believe in negative outcomes. They also lack a big picture view of life, so they are unable to generate a sense of meaning in negative outcomes, e.g., by contextualizing them within a larger process of life development.

In short, it doesn't matter what the odds of success are, faith means believing and accepting that, for better or for worse, things always turn out as they should. From the perspective of faith, going with the flow of opportunities is the default mode of being.

2) What is "trust"? Trust boils down to the degree of confidence you have in the other person. For example: Do you believe they care about you enough to always have your best interests at heart? Do you believe they are capable of being reasonable in balancing the sometimes conflicting needs of "me" versus "we"? Do you believe, in the event that the relationship ends, that it would end amicably (because you both strive to be good people)?

When you're entering a new relationship, you're forced to trust blindly because you don't have all the information. However, as the relationship progresses, trust should be regularly reevaluated based on hard evidence of trustworthiness. On this point, I defer to a common sense principle: Believe people when they show you who they are.

What has this person shown you so far? The negatives: 1) They are insecure and carry baggage, which indicates low faith. 2) They are hesitant about commitment in a way that reveals strong ego defensiveness. 3) They keep reminding you of nonmonogamy at key moments, which indicates that their feelings will always take priority.

People are unpredictable and can have a change of heart for a variety of reasons. The above three points are exactly the kinds of qualities that lead people to have unexpected changes of heart. To what extent can you trust someone when there is good reason to believe they are unpredictable?

3) What is a "want"? It is something that you believe will enhance your quality of life upon getting it. Is this relationship what you really want? Yes, it's important to acknowledge that life isn't perfect and you can't always get everything you want. You've pointed out the negatives, which are the things you don't want, and you're trying to weigh them against all the things you do want. However, this doesn't get you very far unless you're able to get a deeper understanding of your wants and what they're really about.

From what you've said, you enjoy this person for the similarity and easy and comfortable dynamic, due to being the same type. This presumably links to your wants. You also seem to think it's important to have shared values. This is a sticky point because "value" is a complicated concept.

What is "value"? It is the process through which humans assign significance, worth, or moral quality. Values help you prioritize what is most important to you in life. Values help you evaluate what is or isn't worth your time, effort, or expenditure of resources. Values help you distinguish between right and wrong. Honoring one's values is how one develops and maintains a sense of integrity, which is very important for having good self-esteem. Shared values in a close relationship help to keep two individuals on the same page and moving in the same direction.

The complexity lies in the fact that there are many different kinds of values, and some are much more important than others. For example, some values pertain mainly to professional life, whereas others pertain mainly to relationships, etc. In this situation, you have differing values when it comes to commitment, monogamy, and perhaps security. These values impact relationships directly, so they ought to be given greater weight when determining whether you have enough shared values to sustain the relationship in the long run.

In your description, you've focused mainly on the other person's values, which only implicitly gets at what your values are. Am I to assume that you value commitment? And how high/low does this value rank when compared to, say, the value of having a comfortable dynamic?

In order to determine whether this relationship is what you want, it is YOUR values and priorities that you need to clarify. Whether or not a potential partner's negatives constitute a dealbreaker is a value judgment that you have to make. It's not my place to judge for you. The only thing I can do is prompt you to reflect and clarify your values so that you can stay true to them better, for example:

What if, due to their insecurity, they never come to have full faith in you and the relationship? Could you accept them regardless?

What if they are willing to continue the relationship but never make a full commitment to monogamy? Could you feel secure?

What if they one day become interested in someone else while still keeping a relationship with you? Could you roll with it?

Knowing yourself, would walking away result in you wondering "what if" and regret not giving it a shot? How much would that regret bother you?

When it comes to relationship issues, there is rarely a straight-forward right or wrong answer; there is only what you value and whether this is what you want. Values and wants are not about the odds of success. They are about being in touch with yourself, your needs, your feelings, your aims, and your prospects. It can be difficult for Fe types to get in touch with themselves, but it is necessary for ensuring that their relationships are truly fair, harmonious, and fulfilling.

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A meaningful relationship requires both parties to have faith in its future. Both parties need to have a strong sense of trust in each other. And both parties should feel as though their needs and wants are being fulfilled through the relationship. While these concepts aren't easy to quantify and need to be negotiated through good communication, they can still serve as important criteria to be met when thinking about the best choice to make.

I wouldn't be running this blog if I didn't believe people could change and grow, so I certainly understand wanting to give people a chance to realize more of their potential within a relationship. There's nothing wrong with going slow and maintaining a wait-and-see attitude.

However, a relationship cannot be built on hope alone; reality will matter at some point. When someone is being explicit with regard to not being able/willing to change, it's important to believe them, and then ask yourself whether you can accept and embrace the truth of who they are.

IMO, a bit too much of your analysis might be based on hoping that they or the situation will change and become more of what you want. If that's the case, there should be hard evidence of the change happening, in order to justify continued investment. You don't want to waste time that could be spent on better candidates. At the very least, you should establish some kind of limit as to how long you're willing to wait or some kind of baseline standard of what you're willing to settle for.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi hi, Enfj there. I think i suffer with self-neglect. What i mean by that is that taking care of myself genuinely seems like a task for me and as the years went on it just gotten worse. Today eating 3 meals per day is a real challenge, and often i found myself wishing that i wouldn’t have any appetite at all, because the whole process of going to the kitchen - finding what to eat - preparing it - eating it seems so annoying to me.

I think it started when i was younger, like 10/12yo (i am almost 20 now), back then except for when i went to school during weekends i’d eat only one meal per day or even just some fruits, because i just didn’t have the will to eat. And I did have some eating disorders at some point, because i didn’t eat a lot suddenly i’d eat like a whole buffet then feel guilty so i’d starve myself to compensate.

But right now it’s really just that it feels like too much, and besides eating same thing starts to happen with taking shower, drinking water, like very basic needs. I used to enjoy shower so much, it would be the first thing i’d do when i woke up. Now i still take it everyday but it’s a real effort that i have to do. As for water, well, my throat could be as dry as a desert i would not move an inch to grab a bottle and drink.

Sleeping, well, as far as I can remember i never slept well (insomnia), so now i’m constantly tired but i fail to correct my sleeping pattern. Often even though i’m really tired imma stay up (doing nothing of being on my phone). And lately i just don’t like, it feels like don’t even rest.

The thing is, I don’t get how to just enjoy those things for the sake of enjoying it. For the sake of enjoying taking care of me. I fail to see how these are things I could enjoy. I could to for others but not for me. I don’t know if it’s a self-esteem related issue, or something else, but I just wish I could get better.

I wanted to add that i live in a family when we are very isolated from each other, even though we live together. I used to eat with my brothers and sisters, and my mom used to call us to come and eat, to check when we went to bed, and all of that, cause we were children. But around 10/12yo (and especially when i got a phone), just like my brothers and sisters i started to withdrawn from everyone. I started to not answer when my mom called me to eat, and while eating with my brothers and sisters they were on their phone so we weren’t talking to each other. Then my mom got exhausted and didn’t know what to do, so we were on our own, eating when we wanted, same for sleeping, and drinking, showering. I think it might have been a part of the problem.

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Unfortunately, you've described what the problem is without providing enough information about the "why" or what is causing it, which leaves me no choice but to speculate. You've given the family context as a possible contributing factor. While it might be a part of the explanation, I don't believe it quite gets to the heart of the matter.

You mention that things get to be "too much". This is very vague but seems to be pointing in an important direction:

First, this speaks to an emotional problem. It sounds like there's something about your life that is draining your energy or getting you down but you're not mentioning it or perhaps not fully aware of it. For example, people feel easily drained when they're under a lot of stress, or they feel down when life is not going in a good direction. What are the circumstances of your life and are there stressors and/or negative things that need addressing?

When life isn't going the way you want, it can also point to a cognitive problem in the way you think and decide. If the manner in which you live your life feels directionless, purposeless, or meaningless, it points to a lack of Ni development in ENFJs. The state of your life right now is in large part a result of the choices you've made. If you've made choices without considering the implications for your future self, then is it surprising that you keep meeting negative consequences?

For resolving the emotional aspect, you must improve your emotional intelligence, which I always say is an essential aspect of FJ development (see the dedicated articles). Based only on what I know about ENFJs in general, they often suffer from emotional repression issues due to an underlying fear of negative/painful feelings.

Many people don't realize that the first step in improving EI is improving physical awareness, since emotions begin as physiological processes. As such, the more one uses emotional repression as an ego defense mechanism, the more one detaches from the physical body and becomes more and more numb to everything.

Taking shower as an example, if you were capable of enjoying it before, then you are capable of enjoying it again. How did you enjoy it before? What about it was enjoyable exactly? The key is that physical self-care should be physically pleasurable. But you won't really feel pleasure until you allow yourself to be more physically aware, i.e., to simply be present in the moment, in your body, feeling all the sensations. If you are reluctant to do this or don't have the patience for it and don't know why, then it is likely a sign of emotional repression.

If this is true for you, then you must reverse this by recovering your physical awareness as a means to access and eventually learn to accept all your feelings and emotions. There are many ways to do this, such as: mindfulness training, meditation, yoga, tai chi, etc. Until you can improve your physical and thereby your emotional awareness, it is likely that the truth of what's really ailing you will remain hidden. Feelings and emotions are meant to help you maintain psychological well-being, so being cut off from them means being blind and deaf to what's really happening inside yourself.

With regard to resolving the cognitive aspect, it sounds like there are flaws in your way of thinking that need correcting, preferably through improving your critical thinking skills. The human thought process can be flawed in many ways, for example:

not attending to facts/details and then adopting false beliefs

using faulty beliefs to form a distorted view of reality

being too narrow/closed-minded to see the bigger picture

misusing intuition to visualize only negative outcomes

using outdated information to navigate new situations

relying too much on unexamined feelings for decision making

making judgments/decisions based on prejudices/biases

using faulty reasoning/logic when analyzing situations

rejecting reason and logic entirely (common for inferior T)

It sounds like you have very little insight into how you make decisions because you just do things without knowing or understanding why. One of the reasons people learn type theory is to illuminate their maladaptive cognitive processes and change them.

For example, you're happy to do things for/with others but not yourself? Do you understand that this indicates an unhealthy and extreme way to use dominant Fe? Sure, it's important for Fe to feel connected to others, but you'll have a harder and harder time maintaining relationships the more you allow yourself to fall apart. The longer you go on like this, the more likely you are to fall into Ti grip and end up hating yourself and the world, which often leads to relationship dissolution. In other words, extreme use of Fe ultimately sabotages the goals of Fe.

The way to temper dominant extremes and avoid inferior grip is through auxiliary Ni development. You have to nurture the mindset of realizing greater potential. You have to take the initiative to set a better direction in life and only choose meaningful and purposeful activities. In this way, you ensure that you remain a productive member of all your relationships and society. The Type Dev guide already explains how to develop better use of your functional stack.

You're describing a vicious cycle: You don't care for yourself, so you don't feel good, and when you don't feel good, you don't care for yourself. How do you get out of a vicious cycle? Generally speaking, by changing and doing something different.

You say you really want to get better, but how willing are you to change and make different decisions? And what can I say to help you if you're unwilling to change your habitual behaviors? For example, you know that it's not good to stay up all night playing on your phone, but you do it anyway. Is this not a choice and couldn't you choose differently? The guilt and shame that comes from making bad choices is meant to urge you to choose better, so listen to those feelings. If you truly want something better for yourself in the future, you have to choose something better today. Ni helps by encouraging you to pause and consider the alternatives before just doing whatever in the moment.

I have to mention that 1) not being able to enjoy things that you used to enjoy, and 2) experiencing extremely low motivation, are two common symptoms of depression. If you believe depression is a possibility, consider seeking professional help.