#i've thought a lot about how the sixth grade kiss went down but i never actually wrote it

[erikahenningsen]

Rejanis. Dealer’s choice. ;)

32. A kiss while someone watches

Regina barely slept last night. Actually, she hasn't slept well for at least a week. Her body feels sluggish while her brain moves fast, thoughts whipping by like she's in a car with a steering wheel that doesn't work.

She picks at her thumbnail while her friends gather into a circle, and Kyle places the bottle in the center—an empty wine bottle Regina had pulled out from the recycling bin in the garage.

Regina tries to think of a way out of this game but comes up empty; she's positive that if she protests, everyone will somehow, suddenly know.

They'll know that Regina's been spending her nights staring at her ceiling, trying and failing to think about anything or anyone but Janis. That she runs her phone battery down scrolling through Janis's personal and art Instagram accounts and her camera roll, full of photos of them together or just random photos of Janis, for hours. That last night, Regina hesitantly typed am I gay? into Google.

As Kyle and Karen make juvenile jokes about kissing, Regina gets the creeping, panicky feeling she did when she got on the biggest roller coaster at Six Flags last summer—like she's being strapped into an experience she doesn't want to have and handing the controls to her life over to someone else.

Kyle's big, boyish hand lands on her knee, and Regina jumps.

"You good, babe?" he asks, and Regina fights not to cringe like she does every time he calls her that.

"Good, all good," Regina says, hoping she sounds cool and casual. Not that she expects Kyle to pick up on any nuance in her tone.

They've kissed a few times, and it hasn't been particularly enjoyable. Kyle's lips are rough, and he presses in too hard, is too eager to use tongue. Every time, it leaves Regina with the unsettling thought that there is something deeply wrong with her.

"I'll go first!" Karen says enthusiastically, reaching forward and giving the bottle a spin.

Regina sits back on her hands, watching as the bottle slowly spins to a stop, pointing right at Kyle. All the eyes in the circle turn to her, and belatedly, Regina realizes she's supposed to give a shit.

"Watch yourself," Regina says, pointing at Karen. Everyone laughs, but there's a distinct tense energy in the room—probably because Regina knows for a fact half the people here have never kissed anyone.

Karen shuffles over to Kyle, resting a hand on his shoulder and leaning in. Karen, at least, has kissed a few people already, so she's playing for fun, not to increase the number of fingers she can put down during a game of Never Have I Ever.

The kiss is short and relatively chaste, because Regina knows Karen would never actually kiss her boyfriend, and certainly not in front of witnesses. But Regina knows she's supposed to be jealous, possessive, so when they part, Regina slides her hand into his and gives him a look.

"Sorry, babe," Kyle says sheepishly as Karen scoots back to her spot.

Regina presses a brief kiss to his lips and reaches for the bottle, saying, "I'm not watching you kiss someone else again so soon." In truth, she just wants to get this fucking over with.

Regina stares, almost hypnotized, as the bottle spins around and around. She's so focused on the movement that it takes her a moment to realize that it's stopped.

On Janis.

For a minute, Regina has no idea what to do. Of course she wants to kiss Janis. She thinks constantly about kissing Janis. She has dreams about kissing Janis. But she's spent every night for the last month praying to anyone who would listen that she could stop wanting. Stop wishing.

Regina realizes that she's been frozen too long, and Janis is starting to shift uncomfortably. The only way out is through, she figures. So she crawls over, sets her hands on Janis's shoulders, and leans in before she has time to think about it too much.

It is absolutely nothing like kissing Kyle. Janis's lips are so soft, and she tastes like the Twizzlers she had been eating. She inhales just a little when Regina makes contact, so that Regina can feel it, and it takes all of her willpower not to shiver.

This, Regina thinks absently, is what it's supposed to feel like.

Regina's whole skin is buzzing like she's electrified, and she tilts her head a little so they fit together more seamlessly. It's like everything suddenly falls into place, and she understands what she's been missing this whole time when her friends talk about their crushes.

Janis tenses beneath her, and Regina pulls back abruptly, realizing with a start that she's taken way too long. There are a few giggles behind her, and she feels her face burn hot. Janis is looking at her, wide-eyed, an expression Regina has never seen before.

Regina hears a whisper behind her, maybe Gretchen to Karen, and she has to do damage control. Now.

Regina slides back to her spot in the circle, a coy smile forced onto her lips.

"I knew she'd let me do that," she says, like she's saying it only to Kyle but she makes sure it's loud enough for everyone to hear. "She's like, obsessed with me." She smirks and flips her hair over her shoulder and she feels sick, like she might throw up all over Gretchen's Steve Madden boots.

More giggles and whispers, but this time they're looking at Janis, and Regina feels a sense of relief knowing that it won't be her they're talking about at school on Monday.

Regina chances a glance at Janis, who is looking at Regina like she's never seen her before. Regina looks away, desperately trying to think of a way to let Janis know how much she didn't want to do that without toppling her carefully crafted house of cards.

Maybe it would be easier if Janis hated her, actually. Sure, it'd hurt, but maybe it would stop these thoughts. These feelings. It's you or me, Regina tries to silently tell her.

And Regina will always pick herself.

[koalala700]

Dear Adin,

I decided that something helpful for myself to help with the healing process is to write you letters you'll never read and I want to send but never will.

It's been about 377 days since the breakup and almost four months since you let me know you were moving forward in life and letting go.

In the weekend that followed, I saw you had moved on with a new girl.

In the weekend that followed, I threw myself back into Tinder hoping it would be a distraction. As I'm sure you can imagine, it was a pretty terrible one. But you know me and the spiraling and how that usually goes.

At this point, I have: changed my own oil, learned how to hold and aim a gun properly, put together furniture unassisted, realized I still love kids and that even the messy/hard parts make me smile, rescued over a dozen cats, drove to Orlando and back alone, kayaked down a river with gators (saw several including a baby), gotten another promotion, learned how to pop the lock in my gas door from the back, have been more observant, learned to care more about my own opinion of myself than others, cried a little less every day, made choices without depending on a second opinion, taken care of myself alone for over a year.

I'm sure that doesn't cover it all but these are the things I could think of at 10:30 on Wednesday night.

I still miss you every day, I still think of you at least once every day, and I know that I'm still in love with you even though it hurts to do so.

I'm finally going back to Clearwater. It's funny and painful. I always thought we'd be doing this together, but I'm happy I have the chance to do so.

I've accepted that kids may not be in my future and it's hard to imagine doing it with anyone else. But I've learned it's okay to let go of dreams we've always wanted, it's okay to keep pushing forward and discover new dreams.

I finally went to a good salon and got my hair cut. I haven't had bangs (curtain bangs anyway) in a long, long time. I don't think my bangs have been short like this since sixth grade.

I had the realization that my sex drive wasn't high because I'm a nympho, it was because of you.

I realized that while I adopted a lot of your hobbies, they're also mine too.

I have kept pictures of us, gifts you've given me and I don't know yet if I'll ever let them go. I still have the flowers you sent me on Valentine's Day. The last ones you'll ever give me. I still have the last anniversary present (at least I think it was an anniversary present) of the stars the night you asked me to be your girlfriend.

You may have always told me it's not healthy to hold on to the past, but these were good memories and I don't think I'll ever be the girl who can let those go.

I've hit the point where I've fully accepted where I failed you too. I've accepted my own regrets, the things I wish I had done better, and all the things I wish I had told you but never did.

I know why I left, I understand that my trust was broken and I was afraid I'd never be able to repair it. And while you felt that kissing another girl, talking to another girl, and as I now know, flirting with other girls at the club, wasn't cheating, or at least, something we could move past, I realized I never would. I may forgive you but I don't know that I'd ever have been able to trust you ever again.

It just hurts so bad to know that you always wanted to have kids with me but didn't have enough faith in me to believe I wouldn't have left you after we had it all. It hurts to be doing all the things I wanted to do with you, without you. But I guess that's where we are now.

It hurts to know that in a little over a month, this would have been 13 years. It hurts that October 21st is just another day in the calendar now. That I will never get to wish you happy birthday again, that I'll never get to be with you to celebrate your triumphs, support you through your bad, and sleep by your side every night, and love you until death separates us and we're reunited in the earth, buried side by side. It hurts that I'll never hear you call me 'bishcake' ever again.

I'm sure I will always love you. I'm sure it will always hurt just a little. I'm not sure if I'll ever see you again but I hope you're happy. I hope you get everything you ever wanted out of life. I may not be there anymore but in another life...

In another life, we're laughing over dinner together.

In another life, we're coming up with a grocery list and doing laundry

In another life, we are up late talking about everything and anything like we used to do

In another life.. ah, well, we made it the distance.

Maybe it was meant to be, maybe it wasn't.

But every memory, the good, the bad, the crazy, will be part of my soul and I'll carry with me for the rest of eternity.

And if I never see you again, I hope, in another life, or the after life, we meet each other again with a smile. At peace with one another.

Be happy, be full of love, and get everything you ever wanted.

And I'll learn to do the same without you.

I love you, bishcake. Until our souls cross again.

Wishing you nothing but the best as I continue to find peace in myself and keep healing. One day at a time.

[swiftlydnp]

Cause you're what I always wanted

This fic is written for @a-wren-d for the B99 summer fic exchange @b99fandomevents . They just asked for anything related to Rosalyn or dianetti so I got creative! I wrote dianetti cause I love them so much and would love for them to get together!! In honor of pride mobth, I present to you,. Dianetti!!!

Gina Linetti always had a gift of detecting if people had a gay vibe and it also applied to herself. She had discovered her sexuality since the sixth grade and was out and proud as a pansexual and she loved it. She had also realised that Jake was bisexual before he realised it himself and had helped him discover his sexuality. This was one of the things that made their bond very strong.

When she had started as a civilian administrator at the 99th precinct, she had been attracted to the scary, brooding leather jacket wearing detective Rosa Diaz. Fear really was a powerful aphrodisiac. The only problem was that Gina couldn't figure out whether Rosa was attracted to girls. This was the first time her gift had failed her. Rosa was a very private and closed off person. It had been months since she had started at the 99 and yet she didn't know any facts about Rosa. She didn't even know if she had a house. She was very frustrated by this but was determined to find out. She was Gina Linetti after all. Her scary demeanor wasn't so scary to her anymore.

With time, Rosa began to be a little friendly, which was a lot coming from her. She would share her coffee with her, drop her off on her motorcycle when her car was at the repair shop and many more kind things you'd never expect from Rosa. Gina realised that she actually cared about her and valued her as a friend. But Gina wanted more. She subtly began to drop hints and flirt with her any chance she got. She could tell Rosa noticed but never reacted to any of her approaches.

After a few weeks, Gina got the flu from the street meat that she had ate. It sucked. Gina felt horrible. She had to go many times to the smelly bathroom and vomit her guts out. On their lunch break, when everyone went to the break room, Rosa pulled her aside. "Want a kiss, Diaz? Sorry but you'll have to wait cause I'm sick af!!" The words were out of Gina's mouth before she could stop herself. She had gotten into such a habit of flirting with Diaz that it was second-nature for her by now. Diaz just rolled her eyes and told Gina to follow her. Gina obliged because she was too tired to argue. She felt another wave of nausea coming but controlled it. She was too curious about what Rosa was going to show her.

"Rosaaa! Where are we going? Are you going to tell me that you secretly wear pink clothes with frills and all of this is just a front?!?!" Gina said attempting to crack a joke. "Shut up and follow me!" Rosa didn't seem to find it funny. She led Gina to an old records room where she pushed about a bunch of boxes to the side which opened to, Gina couldn't believe her eyes, a very gorgeous bathroom with the scent of lavender. It was the complete opposite of the dirty precinct bathroom upstairs. "Did you just build a bathroom for yourself so you could have more privacy??!?!" Gina personally didn't think that was the case but couldn't help but ask. Rosa scoffed. "Of course not! I'd love to have more privacy but that's not what happened. I actually found this old bathroom when I was in late working a case. When I found it, it was probably more dirty than the precinct bathroom, but I changed it to be comfortable and enjoyable for myself." "Aww Diaz, I didn't take you to be such a softie!!" Rosa grimaced. "Call me softie one more time and I'll put your head through a wall." Gina didn't dare do it. She knew enough of Rosa's wrath to understand that she was actually capable of that. She changed the subject. "So why did you bring me here?" Rosa sighed knowing this question was coming. "I just thought you would need it and would actually prefer it to the bathroom upstairs cause you were vomiting like crazy today and I didn't want you to catch another bug there." Rosa said this in a monotone voice and kept her head down to avoid meeting her gaze. She was so not good with emotions. Gina was very touched by the kindness she had shown for her.

Suddenly, a wave of nausea erupted through her and she bent over the very clean toilet and vomited. Rosa held her hair back for her. After she was finished, she rinsed her mouth and Rosa handed her a napkin. "You are really taking care of me today! Even Jake doesn't take care of me that much and he's my best friend. What, you like me or something, Diaz?" Gina joked. She was feeling very happy in the clean scented bathroom and was feeling pretty relaxed. Rosa's expression turned serious. "Of course I do. I've been flirting with you since forever." "You call arguing and snapping at me flirting?? You really are a weirdo, Diaz!!" Though Gina said all of this with a smile. She couldn't believe that Rosa had finally admitted to liking her back. "Yeah, whatever." Rosa was smiling too.

"So you're bi, right?" Gina asked this because Rosa had been known to date many guys. "Yeah, does that bother you?" Rosa asked abashedly . "It's cool! I'm pan myself." "Yeah I know. You only shout it out every other week." Rosa replied amusingly. "The people deserve to know!!" Gina exclaimed dramatically. Rosa laughed harder than she had ever done in public. Gina truly made her happy. Gina suddenly took her face in her hands and leaned in. Rosa leaned in too and kissed her right away. It was magical. They never had experienced such a perfect first kiss before. They parted due to lack of air and smiled very widely at each other one word in both of their minds "Finally!!". "So we're gonna go out right?" Gina asked. "Duh! Bouche manger tonight at 8, don't be late!" "Babe, you know I'm always gonna be fashionably late!" Gina said. Rosa rolled her eyes fondly. Being with Gina was going to be the best and she couldn't wait for it to start. "Hey, do you have a name for this bathroom?" Gina asked. "No, because I'm a normal person." "Rosa Diaz, you have committed a sin. Wait! Let me give it a name right now. What do you think about Babylon?" "Babylon sounds great babe." Rosa kissed her again and this is how their lives began.

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Author's note:

So this was my first fic ever! I finally got my head out of my ass and put myself through this program so that I could finally start writing and I did! I really hope you like this fic !!! Reviews are always appreciated!!