#i've wanted a cat ever since i had to give up mine 10 years ago when i went to uni since my family refused to take care of him

[newvegasceo]

im in my late 20s, single, neither aro nor ace simply fine being single and not crippled by the need to be with somebody or else, about to fully move out on my own and cut myself away from my family for good and planning to adopt 2 cats in the process. old spinster cat lady jokes from my relatives incoming

[razzamult]

First Post, and hard lessons.

It's been a long time since I've blogged, I used to have an account with blogger.com (remember that?) back in the early 2000's So trying this out again is interesting, seeing what's different, what's similar.

I wanted to start this blog to record some personal thoughts that I've had over the last few years, so there will be some serious posts, including this one, but I do want to lighten things up inbetween.

I feel like I've written and re-written this a dozen times in my head, but it's time to commit and write something down. for those of you who know me, I want to tell a story and maybe you've heard some bits of it already, for any others who happen along? it's a story of anxiety, depression, burnout, a new path maybe? mostly i write this for my own benefit, to remind myself of where I've been & where I'd like to go, and where i don't want to go back to.

But first, some context. I've been working (full time) in IT for….16 years? I think? (give or take), and I'll be honest - I've had enough, and i want out of IT. I remember a time when computers were "simple" beasts (relatively speaking), the earliest memories of using a computer was my mum's 386 (it was a while ago ok!), she was studying a degree, but we had a number of DOS games installed on it (lots of apogee shareware), over time that computer got upgraded, new CPU, more ram, bigger hard drive, Windows 95! that was new & exciting! I remember somewhere along the way mum teaching me enough dos commands that when we bought a new game I could install it without needing help, she just gave me the discs and sent me on my way.

It was in year 10 in high school that i started scrounging enough parts to start making my own computer (or computers as it would become), my first pc being a 386 and the first thing I did was run games on it & dad had a laugh, it was slow, but it was mine! I worked out how to do all the upgrades myself, and over time ended up moving through windows 3.x, 95, 98. by the time i got to windows 2000 i had a 2nd hand IBM desktop, and I was looking after our home network, i think we'd moved from dial-up to ADSL around that time too.

After high school i got into the local TAFE (college for trade certificates), and got a Cert III in IT

I remember not liking XP when it came out (oh god, what is that default theme?! those colours?!), but I built an amd athlon64 system to run it on, all new parts & it was the fastest thing ever! (well, ok, maybe not ever…but it was mine! and it way faster than anything i had previously) i spent days playing warcraft III on that machine, learning how to compile software, playing with virtual machines, and it around this time i landed a job doing helpdesk at the local university.

Helpdesk work was interesting, but it's pretty soul crushing at times, you learn there are people out there who have no idea how to do the equivalent of "fill the tank with gas & check tire pressure", the uni had debated about having a basic computer literacy course for both staff & students, but it never got off the ground. But i pushed through, worked hard, and got recognized as being a good person to talk to in person or on the phone, often out-performing many peers on the helpdesk. We had people on the helpdesk escalating tickets to me, because i was good at working out the "curly" ones.

at some point I got offered a temporary transfer into server admin for 6 months, they'd seen me do good troubleshooting before sending stuff over to them, and they wanted to give me a chance. That ended up turning into fulltime work, that lasted 10 years. I learned a lot in that time, deploying and managing servers, "hearding cats" to get people to agree when an old application can be turned off or upgraded, working on projects. i'm not going to fill this up with IT acronyms but i did get sent on a lot of microsoft & other vendor training and for a number of mission-critical things became first point of contact. I got to experience oncall (and get paid extra for it), and almost single-handedly dragged the windows server fleet up to modern standards.

But in 2022 i couldn't do it anymore. I'd watched over the past years since microsoft fired it's QA staff in 2014, patches got worse, microsoft's promises of improvement got more frequent, and my team (or me specifically) was often stuck between "deploy patch to fix vulnerability or don't deploy patch since it's broken and will break things we depend on", a position that no IT department should find themselves in, having to choose between security and uptime. I'd worked on projects that were so badly run that I'd experienced depression (and some of the places your mind can take you), and while i never acted on the the thoughts during such times, it was not a place that, mentally, i wanted to return to. I'd seen people in other teams at the uni stonewall projects…for what??? no repercussions, one of them even got a promotion. not to mention that in 2021 our IT director/executive staff decided to overrule state government and tell everyone they had to be back in the office (that went down about as well as you'd expect)

2022 was a bad year, we had multiple bad patches we couldn't install on some of our servers until revisions came out, I had a staff member in another team who refused (again…after 4 years…and raising it with my supervisor) to complete work they'd promised, we had a huuuuge amount of work coming down the pipe, and no extra staff, and at some point in july i just broke down over it all. I could not do it any more. I could not push through. my reserves were empty. I had no more to give. things had gotten too hard, things were too complex, I wasn't running a cute 486 playing an apogee game. I was looking after hundreds of servers and multiple cloud environments. these weren't the basic applications that we knew & hated when i arrived, these things were using complex databases and machine learning, and I was expected to understand it all enough to support it. Sure i was part of a team, but people go on leave, I get the on-call phone, I filled in for my manager on occasion, you have to know enough to be able to diagnose and fix things, and it's so. much. now. Things have moved so fast over the last 10 years, and the reward for being able to tread water, for being able to keep up? not more people to help out, but more work, more new technology to learn, in addition to the old technology. It was suffocating, it wasn't sustainable.

And i was dumb enough to think that changing employers would be sufficient. I moved state, found a new job, it paid more, only to find out that the work was worse. the internal documentation was incomplete and the team didn't want to answer questions. clients running systems that were 20 years old (and not supported)….and were planning an upgrade to a system that was 15 years old….and would still not be supported. And all that anxiety? It came back! with friends!

I found a 2nd job, working in IT / healthcare and it was terrifying. we have laws about how medical data is to be stored & handled and my manager told me "there's no laws about this", turns out he was also a sexist & a bigot too. That was a job that didn't see a need to have compliant IT and guess who's getting blamed when shit hits the fan??….well not me….not anymore. The only reason I was able to stay there as long as I did was that I was working part time for most of it.

I spoke to a number of people in IT over the last 2 years and the common theme is that they're all burned out, they've all been screwed by the pace of change or inability to enact required changes. And maybe that pace has been dictated by management not because anyone needed new things, but simply due to those things being new and shiny, or due to complacency. Maybe in other cases it was driven by consumer demand / consumption, maybe as a society we're destroying good IT staff for our own amusement so we can have the goods & services we want when we want them, on our schedule….I don't think I'm qualified to answer that.

But for all that IT has burned me, there are things about it I miss. I miss those times when computing was simpler, when it was easier to understand, when it was just a hobby. I miss being able to comprehend how things worked, rather than feeling like I was part of some cargo cult. I miss when IT was just a hobby and didn't have to understand laws for businesses around it and ensure compliance. I miss when IT was fun.

whoever said that making your hobby a job would make you happy and "you'd never work a day in your life" was lying. whoever said "just push through" never experienced anxiety / depression / burnout (or at least not in the way I did)

If i had piece of advice? If I can leave a message for myself to look back on? Know your limits, you're only human, don't try and push yourself beyond them & hit the wall. Know where that wall is & that it's ok to tap out if need to & you have the means. It's a lesson I had to learn over the last 2 years.

So what does the future hold? I want to go back to IT as a hobby, I can't see myself doing this as a career anymore. and in 2024 I'm going to study for a Library & Information Services Certificate, it'll be a change of pace / direction & should be a good career change.

If you made it this far, thankyou for reading, it's a serious first post i know. But it's been roiling around my head for a while. I should have some more light hearted things to post later

[luvd0nghyuck]

an awaited love♡

it was unlikely to vision the school's bad boy and good girl to date but hey, anything's possible.

it was a daily routine since they were both stressed. y/n, head of the cheer team and library aide before and after school while haechan was the leader of the dreamies and captain of the football team.

you may be curious as to how complete opposites ever crossed paths romantically and it was all from a detention in the library. haechan stole a go cart to drive his friend, chenle to the nearest bathroom during football practice so he can take a shit. which landed haechan right in between the aisles of the book shelves and a game of 21 questions between the both of you since he was bored.

"is it true that you smoke weed and drink alocohol?" i ask.

"yeah... people who has never tried it before always looks down upon it but its not that bad once you try... you want me to burn you out?

"WHAT?" i blurted out accidentally but i realized that this is a library so i slapped my hand over my mouth.

"you do know that it's just the two of us right? the librarian isn't even here." he said as he decides to sit on the floor and place the book on the lowest shelf and absentmindedly i just sit down along with him.

"what do you mean burn me out? what does that even mean?" i ask as curiosity kills the cat but instead of answer back, he smiled like he had a devious plan.

i had the joint my mouth as he was lighting up the other end with his red lighter. as it caught on fire, he blew it out and told me to suck and i did as hard as i could and then he took the joint of my mouth as he saw that i took a hard hit. my eyes were watering and my throat was getting scratchy, itching to cough but he told me before we started that i have to hold in the smoke as long as i can.

"hold it in y/n, don't cough it out yet." he attempted to courage me but for 10 more seconds i had to cough the foreign smoke out of my lungs. as he watched me cough it out, he patted my back and told me to spit it out if i had to since we were hiding on top of the library's roof. as i was collecting the clean air throughout my lungs, he patiently waited for me to calm down and when i did, he asked: "wanna hit it again?"

...

and that was the funny yet confidential start as to how we began to affiliate with each other. before i always admired him from afar but i knew to stay away since he was bad news. but whatever happens, happens and i don't regret meeting haechan at all. that night of his detention, we were stoned to the bone and we discussed everything we could to get to know each other and it was all in one night. we talked about our favorite genre of music to our biggest fears and dreams, our hobbies to our pet peeves, or our future plans and our past.

the more we talked, the more i felt myself getting comfortable with him, and the more i started to admire how his tanned skin looked so beautiful in the sky's sunset. the way his orange dyed hair suited him and brought out his brown eyes. the way his voice was soothing to listen to and made me feel drowsy (or maybe that was just the weed) .

there was a moment where we both stopped talking and let the silence talk for us and let our thoughts roam. i thought about how life and school wasn't as eventful as i thought it was, it was just a routine. wake up, get ready, eat breakfast, go to the library, go to class, go to cheer practice or go to the library then go home to do homework. i realized nobody ever asked me to hang out or invited me to parties or asked me out on dates because i was stuck in a routine. nothing new and no changes. but hanging out with haechan made me see a whole new world.

"hey y/n"

"hmm?"

"i'm glad that i got detention." he said and i just quietly laughed to myself because i knew what he meant.

"and i'm glad you stole that go-cart." he said and his red eyes turned to me and smiled at me.

"you know i like you like this." he stated as he slowly tucked my hair behind my ear and i blushed.

"oh yeah? why?"

"your hair is down. i never see your hair down. your eyes, they're red but i can see that you're genuinely content like you found a peace within yourself." he said truthfully and in all honesty, what he said was accurate. my whole life has always been lived in safety. i never did do anything exciting, most likely because my parents control my life and i'm already given the nickname 'the school's good ice princess'. "i've never really told anyone this but i always admired you from afar." he said as he took another hit from the joint and passed it to me as shock slowly registers within me.

"n-no way." i said while taking the joint from his fingers and taking a hit as he exhaled the smoke.

"oh yes way, i always thought to myself that you were too good for me to ever confess to you. your pretty little self intimated the schools bad boy." he confessed. and that just made me take a second hit as i couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth. i kept in the weed induced smoke in my lungs until i felt the need to breathe which was awhile and enough time to think of what to say back.

"i had no idea but i'm kinda mad now cus it's senior year now and i wished you would've confessed to me early because i would've accepted your confession." i truthfully said and i passed the joint back to him but he just began to shake his head.

"naaah you wouldn't date someone like me." he said and i felt a little sad as to why he would say something like that.

"why would you say that? you didn't even know me before." i say, fully facing him only to see he was always sitting towards me.

"no but i knew of you and before i knew you were a straight A student, you always smelled like green apples and shea butter, you didn't like the school's cheeseburgers since it the cheese just looks like cum on top of the burger, and you never used pencils and how you-" i cut him off by softly placing my lips on his because i was starting to get tired of him ramble about me. i tasted weed and the flavor gum we're both chewing awhile ago. but what really snatched my soul was how he reacted back, he kissed me with in undeniable passion as if he waited years for this exact moment and he's trying to tell me that he's in love with me. it was slow but the burning within ourselves was empowering. as we parted, it was like static electricity.

"wow" i said. "that was my first." i said quietly.

"same" he said and i looked at him slowly in disbelief. "what? have you ever heard one rumor of me sleeping around? that's all jaemin, not me." he said seriously and i just chuckled and i couldn't help but kiss him on the cheek. he was overwhelmingly cute.

"what was that for?" he asked.

"for all the years you waited to confess to me." i said and i kissed him on the other cheek once more. "for all the years you admired me from afar." i kissed once more on his forehead. "for all the years you studied me and my natural self." i kissed him chin. "for all the years you thought i was too good for you." i kissed his nose. "for all the years you probably wished for this moment." i kissed his lips. "for all the years we missed out together."

as i pulled back to study his face, his eyes were barely open, hash and undeniably happy from all the love and affection i'm giving him, i just had to laugh until my stomach growled then my mouth watered and tacos came into my mind. then it was his turn to laugh.

"let's get out of here" he said as he slowly got up and brought me up along with him too. i stumbled a little and he caught me in a tight embrace. and cringy me i just had to laugh.

"sorry this is so cliché" while he rolled his eyes and let go of his hold on me and my legs went jelly. only for him to catch me once more. "jerk" i muttered as he laughed and helped me slowly walked out of the library building and into his car. he paid for our tacos and i swear it tasted like heaven.

"damn so you got the munchies huh?" he asked, eyes still red with a smug laugh. i just slowly nodded my head while i slowly enjoyed my taco. he just shaked his head and ate more of his taco but continuing to stare at me. although i was as high as a kite in the sky, i can feel his eyes on my face until i stopped eating to ask him what.

"oh nothing, you're just so beautiful and i'm just glad you decided to be mines." he said as his clean hand rubbed my thigh underneath the table. darn these booth tables, i'm trying to eat, not be sexually aroused. i almost choked on my food and it made him stop.

"oh, are you okay?" he asked and began to pass me the coke. i drank until i stopped choking and nodded my head to show that my gag reflex was fine now.

we finished our tacos and in the car, he asked if i wanted anything else. although i was still hungry, i didn't want to be a burden.

"im fine" i said only for my stomach to growl again.

"okay yeah no, we're going to 7-eleven." he said before putting his keys into the ignition.

as we arrived to the nearest store he told me the exact words "get whatever you want." and five minutes later, i had armful of a big bag of doritos, a pickle, oreos, a coke, kit-kat, and a pint of cookies and cream ice cream. he laughed as i dropped all of the snacks onto the counter and gave the cashier a $20 bill, as he got gum, a slushee, and eye drops. as the lady bagged our items, he told her to keep the change. we walked out with him holding the bags and me opening the door and unlocking the doors as we both got into his lexus.

"i don't know why i'm so hungry. i usually don't eat this much." i said ashamed while opening my bag of chips. he just laughed as he began to exit out of 7-eleven's parking lot.

"when you get high, you can get the munchies. munchies is when you get really hungry and crave for food mostly snacks but you can eat meals too." he said and the information slowly processed into my brain as i munched loudly on my snacks. he gave me a quick glance and laughed again.

"why are you laughing at me?" i ask completely clueless.

"because you're exactly everything i ever wanted and you've never changed over these past years i have admired you." he said and all i can think of was 'oh... so he in love love.' i turned on his radio and my favorite song better by khalid played. and it was like i can hear every beat and instrument and backup vocals playing in the song.

it was only 9 pm and he asked if i needed to go home and i said no since my parents know i usually get home late by bus which angered him a little.

"you're no longer allowed to catch the bus anymore. i will pick you up and drop you off. okay?" he asked as he gripped my thigh and i shakily replied.

"o-okay"

"okay good." and he drove towards the lookout of the entire city.

"why are we here?" i asked.

"you're still high and i just wanna take you home when you're able to walk properly." and i just nodded deciding he was right since my parents would be pissed if they knew i did marijuana.

i munched on my snacks as haechan posted a quick pic of the view from his car and his caption was "nothing feels better than this" since it was the song that was playing and then he posted it on his ig story.

when i finished all of my snacks, i faced the other way to let out a long and loud burp. instead of him being disgusted all he said was "okay first of all, wow that was impressive and second of all i don't know why you're facing the other way, i need some of that talented burp." and began to fan the air towards his face and i laughed out loud as i stopped him from smelling my dinner.

"oh here" he said as he passed me eye drops. i accepted them and began to drop them into my eyes. "do you have perfume by any chance?" he asked me and i nodded my head. "good, spray yourself with that." and i did as told as we began to take our leave from the lookout and back to my neighborhood which is the same neighborhood that he lives in.

we drove into my driveway and i didnt want to leave his car. "as much as i want you to stay with me y/n, you have to go home to your parents or else they will call 911 on your ass." and i nodded my head since he's always right.

"you're right" i said with a sad sigh yet i couldn't help the growing smile on my face as i thought about what i did today with him. "thank you for today. i'm very grateful and i hope we can do this again."

"sure we can do this tomorrow." he said calmly.

"omg are you serious?" i said and he nodded for me to smother him in kisses all over his face.

"thank you! thank you! thank you!" i said and gave him one last kiss on his soft lips, it was similar to the one on the roof except this one was given in a relief type of way. as we pulled away, we were bith breathless.

"i am so whipped for you." and i just giggled before grabbing my things and exiting the car.

"thank you again and get home safely!" i said.

"my house is down the street, i think the worst thing that can happen to me is a speed bump." he said cockily and i just rolled my eyes.

"i don't care just be safe." and he just nodded and smiled.

"okay, okay, go wash up and shower. dont forget to dm me your number before you sleep. okay?"

"okay" i say and smile before biting my bottom lip.

"oh don't do that before i'm about to leave. leaving you is hard enough already." i laugh once again before sending him off for real this time.

"bye haechan"

"okay bye." he said before putting the car into drive and i began to walk up my steps until he honked. "see you tomorrow babes!"

and just like that my heart was stolen.

my parents were in their rooms so i quietly showered and laid in my bed as i texted haechan my number.

he sent me a good night text since it was 11 pm and we both had a busy schedule and i couldn't wait to have our weed date again.

and that's the funny yet fluffy story of how y/n and haechan became the good couple/bad couple.

[xwitches-gardenx]

Haven't done one of these in years!

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? I have a very good relationship with both of my parents

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? My mum in hospital last night, when we were finally allowed to see her for 30 minutes after waiting 8 hours to even find out if she was alive.

03: Do you regret anything? I regret a lot of things. I'm my own worst critic. My biggest is probably that my mum probably won't be around to ever see me get married.

04: Are you insecure? Depends what about. Certain things. Yes

05: What is your relationship status? 100% single

06: How do you want to die? By book avalanche. It would just be incredibly ironic and exactly to my humour

07: What did you last eat? I can't actually remember :/. Oh egg mayo sandwiches

08: Played any sports? I did use to play yet. Netball, Hockey, Basketball and Athletics

09: Do you bite your nails? Yes, very bad habit of mine

10: When was your last physical fight? Years ago when I was at uni in Derby and this girl I hated who always had to be the centre of attention kept picking on me after my ex and I split up. She'd leave really nasty comments about me on his Myspace wall (lol remember that). She turned up at the same club as me so I punched her.

11: Do you like someone? Nope

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? Pretty much since yesterday and today

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? No

14: Do you miss someone? Yes my mum. I don't know when I'll get to see her in hospital again because of Covid restrictions

15: Have any pets? Not personally, but we have a family dog and cat

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? Anxious, uncertain, drained...mildly hopeful and numb

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? Home bathroom yes. Not out anywhere

18: Are you scared of spiders? Depends what size they are and if they're those fat fuckers or the skinny ones

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Can't think of anyone off the top of my head

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? Snogged? What are we? 11. Probably a year ago

21: What are your plans for this weekend? I have no idea. I literally live my life day to day

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? No and 0

23: Do you have piercings? How many? Yes. I only have 5 now.

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? English and any Creative subject

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? I miss alot of people from my past

26: What are you craving right now? Something to eat but I dont know what

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? Probably

28: Have you ever been cheated on? yes

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? yes

30: What’s irritating you right now? Coronavirus, because I cant see my mum

31: Does somebody love you? My parents??

32: What is your favourite color? Silver (?) dark blue

33: Do you have trust issues? To some extent because of how I've been treated in the past

34: Who/what was your last dream about? Shannon Leto :') (that's all I'm saying)

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? My dad and a doctor

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? Not sure

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Forget

38: Is this year the best year of your life? No. Literally my worst

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 18

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? No

51: Favourite food? italian

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Definitely. I've come to realise that more and more over the years

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Cried? I didnt really sleep

54: Is cheating ever okay? No

55: Are you mean? Can be, if someone deserves it

56: How many people have you fist fought? 1

57: Do you believe in true love? I'd like to think so, but from my experiences....it's unlikely

58: Favourite weather? When its warm and windy

59: Do you like the snow? Not as much as a kid, but yes.

60: Do you wanna get married? Yes

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? In private, not in public

62: What makes you happy? 30stm and books??

63: Would you change your name? No

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? Yes coz I dont even talk to him anymore

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Well it would depend how I felt about him. If i didnt have feelings for him, would have to tell him. If I liked him I'd discuss it with him and maybe give it a go

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? yes

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? My dad??

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? My dad and a doctor last night

69: Do you believe in soulmates? I like the notion of it. Whether it personally happens to me....no idea

70: Is there anyone you would die for? Yes.

[datingadviceonreddit]

As I am typing this I am in one of the weirdest, most difficult times in my life, this story is going to be a long one. But I desperately need someone to talk to because as of right now I am completely alone.I've been dating this girl for the past two years, lets call her "Katrina," Katrina and I met during out last year of high school and we considered ourselves "high school sweethearts." Katrina is also in the military, so she had to leave directly after senior year for 6 months in order to complete Army Basic Training. During this time we stayed together but it was very tough. It was this summer that I had also moved states away leaving all of my friends behind, not having my friends, home, and girlfriend sent me into a major depression. Up until that point in my life, that had been the worst summer of my life.Fast forward to when Katrina finally got home, things were great again! By this time I had already started college and was living away from my parents. Having my girlfriend back after 6 months of not seeing her was the best. However, the depression still lingered with me, I was frustrated, because I assumed once my girlfriend returned everything would go back to normal for me emotionally. But I was wrong, I still was depressed.My depression overtime hurt our relationship. Several times I felt as I was letting Katrina down. Often times she would say to me I need to "man" up. We would get in arguments about 2-3 times every week. While they were NEVER physical, just verbal disagreements, they still were taking it's toll on our relationship.After my first year of college we planned on moving in together, by this time I was worried to move in with her, because in my mind I would be completely upsetting my super religious parents. At the time, my parents helped me with everything, college, food, anything. I didn't see it in my best interest to make them angry, so I hesitated to sign the lease with the girlfriend, looking back this is and always will be my biggest regret.Shortly after this my girlfriend dumped me out of the blue, leaving me once again with no friends, no family (close by). During our relationship I had dedicated so much time and effort into our relationship that I didn't make a lot of friends in college. I completely acknowledge that was my fault. Not hers.Our breakup was a relatively clean one. There was no bad blood following it, however it lead my depression into the worst state it had ever reached. As I am typing this, it has been around 2 and a half months since the breakup but I still cannot get over her.Fast forward to this week. Because of unique circumstances I am having to live out of my car for a few weeks in order to finish up my last two weeks at my job here in the area. I plan on moving in with my parents soon in order to get back on my feet.A few days ago, Katrina, out of the blue texted me a video saying she missed me, but hopes I find someone new. This just reopened the wound. I told her about my plan of living in my car and she offered to have me stay at her apartment for a few days so I don't need to stay in my car.Fast forward to yesterday, yesterday morning she texted me once again reminding me the offer was still on the table. I responded by accepting her offer and asking if her apartment was free tonight. She said yes. Last night I was driving to her apartment and when I get there, she opens the door and I see she has a guy friend over.Nothing is a worse feeling than seeing your new ex with another person, IN PERSON. In the apartment that I hesitated to move into.I only stayed for around 10 minutes before I left. It was the most uncomfortable and awkward 10 minutes of my life.The only way I can describe the feeling is, imagine walking into an alternate universe where you step into your own future, a future you have been dreaming of, only to have it all ripped away.Around 30 minutes after I left she texted me asking if I was coming back, she said the dude had left and she was going to bed. I responded, "Yes, I'll be there soon."I won't lie, A big part of me thought Katrina wanted to rekindle and get back together, that was what I was hoping for, instead I walk into her apartment to see she has already moved on. I understand moving on, but seeing it in person is the worst feeling ever.When I got to her apartment for the 2nd time last night we had small talk for a few minutes and she headed to bed. I slept on the living room sofa. Needless to say, I got no sleep. She woke up this morning very early to go to work, and she said I could stay for as long as I wanted. I work in a few hours so I thought her apartment would be better than my car so I am still here, alone.I am currently typing this on her sofa, looking around at all of her stuff is so weird. Not too long ago all of this stuff was mine too. The cat I picked out for her doesn't even recognize me anymore, this apartment was supposed to be OURS.I apologize for such a long post. Truthfully, I feel so dumb that I even came over, I had false hopes and I was destroyed. I regret everything I ever did wrong in the past. I wish I had a time machine to go back into time. Katrina seems completely over me. And it is the worst feeling in the world. My plan now is to wait for her to get back here, then when she does I am going to tell her how I feel, how I regret everything, and how I still love her. And I will leave, and probably never see her again.Thanks for those who read all the way, I have never felt more alone in my whole life. Hopefully someone out there can relate to this and give advice or maybe this can help someone going through troubles in their relationship.Thanks. via /r/dating_advice