#i. ┊ camina drummer — we don’t know fear.

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[doolallymagpie]

Penultimate edition of my yet to be titled stream-of-consciousness for The Expanse, 6x05, “Why We Fight”.

Alright, Cara, how many ways have you traumatized your parents just now? Not only did you steal your brother’s body and run off into the woods, you found a way to bring him back, and he looks...really weird.

I mean, we knew Admiral Kirino’s raid wasn’t gonna end well. Wish she’d known, too.

Every now and then I feel like Marco has a flash of realization that he’s not invincible, and then it vanishes.

So the Laconian railguns are a known quantity now.

Again, Chrisjen’s growth. So good. And Bobbie’s. Hope they don’t keep fighting.

Holden and Clarissa being weird friends is very nice.

And there’s Elvi, foreshadowing the Whammy. Not a fan of them directly bringing up them, but I guess they’ve gotta.

Props to the actor; I’d swear Filip just got pulled from a WWI-era trench in about half of his scenes. Nobody was ever there for him like that; someone tried, but we all know what happened there.

Josep’s tiny baby arm. I’m not gonna make a Deadpool joke.

Especially since it’s no good.

Yay, we’ve got Naomi and Drummer interacting again! Kind of. A bit one-sided at this point.

Interesting times, as always, and yeah, last two times Holden and Monica interacted at all, it didn’t go that well for either of them. Both of them have to be cursed at this point.

Honestly, Chrisjen brings up a great point. At best, if Marco even believed them, he’d blockade the Ring on Sol’s side “for your own good”. At worst, he might try to weaponize the phenomenon (And about that...NEXT WEEK).

Oh. For some reason, I was under the impression that the writers really wanted to forget about that bit. Very glad we’re bringing it up again.

Amos, covered in glitter and makeup (and scratches). Bobbie, calling him out on it, and being the last to know about Holden’s little move. Took it way better than I thought she would.

Honestly, I agree that the Bobbie and Amos friendship feels less...weird than Bobbie and Alex’s. Not necessarily a fan of that last implication, though.

Ah. We’re finally dropping Michio off. And Josep. Drummer, you better get to have a “let’s run at each other from a long way away and hug and kiss” moment with them.

Again, Marco almost seems war-weary and ready for it to end one way or the other, and then something switches his weird little Alexander the Great complex back on.

If they do have Filip leaving next episode, I’m curious how. Extremely worried that he won’t, and he’s gonna, well. I’ve voiced that particular fear before.

Love that Drummer was perfectly willing to stay in line. And that she didn’t snap at Sanjrani.

Oh no, our moms are fighting.

And yes, there’s another way, Camina. When the universe needs a pirate queen (or a Spacing Guild Transport Union president)...

That “fuck you, fuck you, fuck you” but still going in for that hug hurt worse than her not accepting Naomi’s hug would’ve.

Loving that Drummer’s not letting up re: how bad this looks for Earth. Might be Cara Gee’s personal touch there; she’s talked these kinds of politics in interviews IIRC.

BIG Mass Effect 3 “I hate you, you suck, eat a bag of dicks, but it’s the end of the goddamn world, so, alliance” vibes there. (Think Cara’s a bit old for Shepard, but she certainly wouldn’t be my last choice.)

[home-and-minor]

To celebrate the fact that the 4th season of The Expanse is going to launch on December 13th, I decided to create 13 drawings representing 13 of my favourite characters from the show. I’m going to use the hasthag #TheExpanseDec13th to make them easier to find. Hope you like them!

10. CAMINA DRUMMER

"We are strong! We are sharp! And we don't know fear!"

Portrayed by the smart & talented Cara Gee.

[moocowmoocow]

Drummer x Naomi: “I can’t just forget you. That’s not how it works.”

sorry @sugarfey - this came out neither in the 1920s or happy. D:

The Roci was docked in Medina for one last maintenance check and final resupply.  Drummer was waiting for Naomi at the first bar that had opened in the new station. An enterprising Belter knew that no matter how inexplicable the space was, people needed alcohol and not to cook for themselves every once in awhile.

When Naomi entered, Drummer noted how stiffly she was moving. Probably the after effects of the workouts she was doing so her body could withstand planetary gravity.  Naomi sat down gingerly on the empty cargo container that served as seats here.  It was so strange to see her move so awkwardly; she usually could make repairs even in the most difficult locations look graceful.

“Hey,” Naomi said with a smile.

“Hey,” Drummer replied. “I got you a bowl of mushroom noodles. I remembered that they were your favorite. And who knows what shit you’ll have to eat when you get to Ilus. Gotta be better than UN rations.”

“Thanks. I hope I’ll be able to enjoy these.” Naomi grimaced. “The injections they give me  have been making me nauseous lately.”

“Not only do you have to go on a planet with Inners and Belters fighting each other, you have to deal with it making you sick? I hope you get paid double.”

Naomi played with the noodles. “I don’t know.  I think it’ll be interesting to be on a planet. The guys tell me how much they like it.”

“That’s because they are Inners. You Belter.”

“Yes, I am. It doesn’t mean that I can’t spend time on a planet.” She looked away. “Maybe live on one for awhile.”

Drummer put down her chopsticks. “You should check whatever they giving you. You want to live on a planet? To be constantly pulled towards the dirt? To forever have to strain against that weight?”

“It’s not all bad, Camina. We wouldn’t be reliant on others for food and water. We wouldn’t have to live in fear of running out of oxygen or sudden depressurization.”

“Sure. But then are you Belter? Or just different kind of Inner?”

“Not all Inners are bad.”

Drummer rolled her eyes.  "No Inner is Belter, though. What happen when you get used to unlimited air and ground that stay in one place? Space become alien to you? You go live on Earth?“

"Jim and I have been talking about - ”

Drummer snorted.

“ - visiting his parents after this.”

“One big happy family.”

Naomi shook her head.  "Who knows, Drummer, maybe some day I visit you on one of the new planets?“

Drummer scoffed.  "Even if I want to subject myself to a planet, I couldn’t. My new back can’t handle over 0.7 G.”

“Not every planet - ”

“No. Naomi. I am a Belter and Belters belong in space. We no run around on planet, pretending we’re Inners.” Drummer noticed Naomi’s jaw tighten.  Perhaps she had gone too far for her, but this was too important to go unsaid. “You don’t get to forget that.”

Naomi’s handheld chirped and she answered. “Hey Naomi, we’ve got a problem that we need you to look at,” Alex said.

“On my way,” Naomi said, starting to stand up.

Drummer grabbed her wrist.  "Maybe I a little harsh. But I can’t just forget you. That’s not how it works. You may be happy with Holden now but I meant something to you.“

Naomi’s eyes softened. "You still do, Camina.”

“Not enough to finish a meal.”

“That’s not fair.”

“No, it’s not. It’s the truth.”

“Camina, I know you’re upset with my decisions. But know this: I will not forget you. I’ll send you a message as soon as we get to Ilus.”

Drummer was so mad at her, but still a small part of her was filled with joy that Naomi would promise her that. “Fine.”

“I have to go.”

“Go.”

She watched Naomi walk out of the bar, frustrated and angry. She was tempted to sweep the almost full bowl of noodles off of the table, but she could not abide wasting good food in that way.  It was the Belter in her.  She returned to her own meal and signaled to the bartender her drink order.

[whenimaunicorn]

And I Love You

@sugarfey prompted me Naomi/Drummer Last Kiss (because apparently she loves pain). Slight book 5 spoilers.

Naomi’s heart hurt, as she stood in front of the door to the shuttle bay, hand hovering over the keypad. She could barely wrap her head around how quickly things with Camina had changed. The crisis surrounding Holden’s shocking transmission had been so sudden, with no time for thoughtfulness, no time to make her lover see past her prejudices.

When Camina Drummer said “fire,” Naomi’s heart had shattered.

She hadn’t gone to the captain’s quarters after that shift. Naomi had returned to the bunk she was issued when they crewed up. Now as she prepared to leave Captain Drummer’s ship, she found her mind caught on the bitterly sentimental. Was it really ending like this? She wasn’t even sure what was the last time they had ever kissed. Had she given her a swift peck on that morning, before they stepped out into the corridor and became the Captain and the Chief Engineer? Did that sleepy kiss Camina had planted on her forehead count, the one that had awoken her to the buzz of her alarm?

Or perhaps their last kiss had been the night before, that ragged, hungry one that drew Naomi’s lip down while she climaxed under the press of Camina’s demanding fingers.

Their relationship had been so new, so exciting. Filled with promise and now cut short by betrayal.

With that last bitter thought, Naomi found the resolve to tap the access code that would take her away from her Belter life, perhaps forever. She had felt the air change like this before. She could not be a part of this face of the O.P.A. again.

Access Denied.

A chill ran through her. Old, ugly fears crept up the back of Naomi’s spine as she tapped the symbols again, hoping they weren’t true, hoping that she had merely made a mistake.

Access Denied.

Trapped. Outmaneuvered. It wouldn’t be like that again, would it? Her choices removed, compliance and silent weeping the only options. She barely suppressed a jump when she realized Camina had come to her.

Naomi barely processed her first words under the buzzing panic she fought to hold down. She told herself she was not back there, she was here. Camina was not Marco, and Naomi herself was a stronger person now. She could handle this.

Camina was explaining herself, how Ashford had been the one to anticipate Naomi’s defection. “I say why would anyone desert now? So. Why.”

You’re talking to a friend, Naomi reminded herself. Someone who sees you, the real you. She will listen. She will care about your perspective. Just say it. “I came back for the wrong reasons.”

“I’m a wrong reason now? The Belt is in your blood. We are your people.”

Naomi’s heart cracked a little wider. Camina was trying to figure out how personally to take this. How many times would Naomi be required to choose love or loyalty? Sacrifice her feelings, in favor of doing what’s right? Camina and her dream of a free Belter life went hand in hand. She wasn’t even sure which loss would hurt worse. All she could show her was her truth. “And I love you. I always will.”

Camina couldn’t let her see the impact of the words. Naomi could only hope she would dissect them later, hear her truth and find some small solace in it. “But you’re going back to them. Your Inners.”

“I didn’t understand what I was leaving. I was being nostalgic.” Ashford’s logic had had the opposite effect than he had intended. She wished her Belter dream could have been simple. Camina and her against the void. But they were both too important for that. Naomi could see the path Camina was choosing, and she would not be party to that again.

“And without even a word to me.” Her lover’s voice broke on the last word, the most emotion she’d seen from the woman in a while.

Honesty. It was the only way. “I was afraid you wouldn’t let me go.” Not after Camina had barked that order that had two men putting their hands on her, forcibly removing her from the bridge. Not after she heard Marco in the snarling voice that rang around the command deck, whipping up the crew to ferocious cheers.

Camina Drummer stood there facing her for a long moment. Perhaps she was taking the same index of events that Naomi had. She knew about her lover’s past, what she had been put through. Did she realize it was natural for Naomi to run from this side of her?

Her face did not soften at all. But she whipped out her datapad and opened the door. “You underestimate me.” And a beat later, before Naomi had time to react at all, “I’m not him.”

Naomi felt her body sag. It felt draining and effervescent both at once, to be so understood. To be allowed to make her own choices. And almost immediately after, a burst of shame at ever doubting the woman before her. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

Camina stepped forward, posture still statuesque, but her chin dropped a few micrometers. “I know what I have to do. I stand by every decision. But I am not him. I will not control you.”

Naomi’s heart was warm and tingling and breaking all over again. “I can’t stay for this part.” The O.P.A. was going to force Camina’s hand, again and again. Into one ruthless decision after another. “Maybe after—”

Camina cut her off with a sharp hiss and a soft hand on her face. “Don’t say it.”

In their hearts they both knew that vectors of their decisions, the empty space already spreading out between them, may never let their hearts entwine again. Right now, they might be standing on a bridge made up of their last shreds of respect for each other.

Like she was jumping the gap between airlocks, Naomi pushed her face forward, anchoring herself to Camina’s lips for one last kiss.

Tagging those that might be interested: @silver-89 @jamesholden @the-rocinante @the-roci

[pashang-ya-blog]

Also on AO3, comments appreciated!

A short drabble of what goes through Naomi’s mind after the snatch of conversation we see in the Episode 3x09 Sneak Peek. 

Thanks @jamesholden for giving me the spark of inspiration for this drabble! And also for reading it over/giving me feedback before I posted. 

The thoughts come in snatches while she works, sneaking in among calculations and troubleshooting procedures.

‘If you killed them-’

Her hands don’t pause, her expression doesn’t falter. There’s no outward sign of the panic and fear that presses at the corners of her mind. Chief Engineer Naomi Nagata is, as always, efficient. Power failures throughout the ship, hundreds of lives on her head if she wavers. She won’t. This is bigger than her. Bigger than…

‘Hate me later, work now.’

Alex blushed the first time she complimented his piloting skills. Looked surprised, as if he hadn’t earned every word and more. She’s never met anyone who loves what they do as much as her Martian pilot. He was the first to reach out after everything. The first to forgive her. She never told him how much it meant to her. Will she never hear that affected Texan drawl again?

She moves to the main console in the engineering room, starts up the diagnostics. Her fingers move deftly over the screen, her eyes take in the data that scrolls up the display. The surges seem to be originating from the same point. If she can isolate that sector, she can minimize the damage throughout the power grid.

‘I’m sorry. If I killed them... I’m sorry.’

Naomi trusted Amos almost from the moment they met. She isn’t sure what it was, exactly, but she felt as if they shared a mutual understanding without the need for words or explanations. He understands her on a level that few others ever have. Even now, even after everything. He may be an Earther and she a Belter but they’re from the same world. They’ve known the same darkness. She never told him how sorry she is for hurting him, for making him doubt her. Never took the time to explain why she didn’t tell him about the sample. She hadn’t wanted to make him implicit in her actions, hadn’t wanted to put him in the position of choosing between her and his Captain. Naomi’s actions are her own. Naomi’s guilt is her own. She knows now that she chose wrong. Not what she did but how. She never told Amos that, either - that she knows she should have trusted him.

She focuses on the map of the power grid displayed over the console, hones in on the section highlighted in red. Her fingers move quickly, tapping out commands that come as naturally and easily to her as breathing. Firing that pashang weapon was a goddamn mistake for more reasons than one. The Behemoth was never meant to be a warship. To think that Naomi was proud to be on the retrofit team, was proud to be part of the mission that would guide the Belt into the future as a nation equal to the Inners. There’s no pride in her, now. She was a fool to think that the Belt would be any different than the Earthers and the Martians that have marginalized them for so many generations.

‘You know Holden isn’t capable of this!’

It took her longer to understand Holden than the others. She hated him a little the first time she met him. In many ways he’d reminded her so strongly of the man she’d nearly died to escape. He was charming, charismatic, idealistic. She’d been skeptical of him, even after the Canterbury. It wasn’t until he’d risked his life coming back for a crew he barely knew that Naomi saw him for who he really was. Even then she’d been hesitant to let him in, had clung to the numbness that she’d wrapped around herself like a protective wall for so many years. But with James Holden as her captain it was impossible not to feel. Impossible not to care.

“Chief Engineer Nagata.” Drummer’s voice crackles over the engineering room comms, accented and crisp. Once the sound of it brought warmth to Naomi’s eyes, but now there is only numbness and bitter disappointment.

“Ya?” Her answer is short, clipped. There’s a pause and then, “You’re needed on the CIC.” Naomi presses her lips together. “Roger that. Give me ten, I’ve almost got this problem isolated.” A grunt of agreement is her only answer.

On some level Naomi understands the difficulty of Camina’s position, but still she can’t forgive her. Not now. Naomi might not have always agreed with Holden, but she respected that he did what he believed was right regardless of who was shouting threats at him. Even when Holden was trapped between a rock and a hard place he’d find a way. More importantly, he took the time to try. She knows with absolute certainty that the transmission is a fake, and if Camina had given her the time, Naomi could have proven it.

Instead, Drummer let Ashford shout her into submission. Had Naomi physically removed from the Command deck. Let those pashangwala shove her to her knees and hold a gun to her head while Drummer ordered the Behemoth to fire on Naomi’s old crew.

Her family.

Naomi swallows over the hard lump in her throat, tries to breathe past the tightness in her chest. The display flashes a message of success. The surges have been isolated, the other sectors are no longer at risk.

‘Are you saying you regret it? Everything we’ve done since the Canterbury?’ ‘No... Yes, but only because I don’t get to spend more time with you.’

The rush of fear and grief that hits her is so sudden that it takes her breath away. Naomi reaches out to grab a nearby handhold to steady herself, closes her eyes and breathes slowly through her nose. She’s never told Jim how much she loves him. Those words don’t come easily to her precisely because of how easily they seem to come to everyone else. How easily they can be used to manipulate and do harm. It isn’t something she wants to fall prey to again, and certainly isn’t something she ever wants to be guilty of. So she held back. Thought it was better to show him. Then the sample happened, and she knows how deeply it hurt him. Not that she lied, but that she didn’t trust him. She didn’t say it even after Io. Instead they made love one last time and then she left.

Did Jim die not knowing how much he means to her?

No. They’re not dead until the proof is right in front of her face. There was no indication of an explosion in the backscatter. The torpedo might not have detonated. They escaped through the Ring. Her crew might still be alive. There’s a chance, and until there isn’t Naomi won’t allow these dark thoughts to take root.

Straightening, Chief Engineer Nagata squares her shoulders and lifts her chin. There’s still work to do.

[defeatsfear]

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