#ian continues to find the whole situation completely hilarious

[gallavictorious]

”You going out? I thought you weren't working tonight.”

Mickey looks up from his tie to see Ian leaning against the doorframe, in uniform and with his hair neatly slicked back.

”Nah, it isn't work. Well, not exactly,” he says, finishing the knot and taking a step back to admire the result in the mirror. He's getting pretty good at this. Lots of practice in the last few months, ever since he took the bodyguard gig officially on the road. Clients like it when he wears a tie. ”You know the chick I've been babysitting for the past few weeks, the one whose stalker I caught trying to climb in through the fucking window? She and her dad's taking me to some fancy place, uh... Piccolo something, to thank me. Since you're working the late shift, I thought – ”

Ian interrupts, straightening: ”Piccolo Sogno? Like, that really romantic place down in West Town? You telling me the girl who has a crush on you is taking you there?” He pauses, looking at Mickey with a cross between disbelief and bemusement. ”Are you going on a fucking date?”

Mickey stares at him. ”What the hell are you talking about?” he demands. Crush? Date? What?

---

The chick's name is Charlotte Eckerton.

He was supposed to call her Ms. Eckerton, she insisted he say Charlie, and what he actually went with was usually some classic television reference that she didn't get, or – when she's was being particularly annoying – ”hey, brat”. She was probably no worse than any other spoiled little North Side princess, but Mickey sure as hell didn't get why anyone, no matter how loony, would want to stalk her, because literally all she did was go to class, study, shop, and party with her equally irritating friends. Oh, and endlessly updating her Instagram stories with every last detail about her fascinating life, of course. He put a quick stop to that, because continually announcing your location to the public when a deranged psycho was stalking you was... well, let's face it, it was about as stupid as he expected from these people.

She threw a tantrum when he swapped her phone for one with restricted access to social media apps, and she tried to give him the slip at least twice a day for the first four days, going as far as paying some other goons to attack him while she made a run for it. She was not completely stupid, he had to give her that, and he was beginning to understand why her father had come to him rather than hire a more well-established firm. The girl was a complete nuisance, and occasionally quite clever about it. Clearly needed someone wise to all the tricks, and unafraid to rein her in and tell her in no uncertain terms when she was being an idiot.

Mr. Eckerton was loaded, having made his fortune doing some IT-shit or other, and for the kind of money he was offering, Mickey was prepared to put up with a quite a lot of hare-brained shenanigans, as well as hanging out at the Magnificent Mile afternoon after afternoon, and listening to the brat's endless babble about... hair? Make-up? Bands? Whatever. He didn't really pay attention; he'd have needed to be paid hell of a lot more than he was to do that.

After a week or so of thwarted escape attempts Charlotte had exchanged overt defiance for a more subtle approach, trying to throw him off his game by suddenly gifting him stuff, like a dark gray shirt ”that goes really well with your eyes”. He took the shirt, because it was pretty nice, as was the watch and the stupidly expensive hair-product she produced in the following days. He was a little insulted she thought he could be bought so easily, though; she'd have needed to double her father's money, at the very least – or gotten him a nice car. He had said as much to Ian, who had eyed the gifts with an unreadable expression on his face, and had failed to comment.

When bribery too proved a failed tactic she started asking a lot of personal question instead, fishing for weaknesses to exploit. Her strategy was pitifully obvious, however, and Mickey gave her nothing but monosyllabic responses. Finally, she resigned herself to being stuck with him for the time being, and mercifully stopped pestering him about letting her go to whatever concert or party was happening that night. She still dressed up and put on elaborate make-up every damned evening, though, even if it was just the two of them chilling at her place, but he supposed it was something for her to do. Fuck knew he could sympathize with the boredom of being locked up.  

So that was Charlotte, spoiled and stubborn and maybe a little bit clever underneath it all. Not the worst person he could imagine babysitting, not by a long shot, but not one he'd think back on either, now that the job was done. He probably wouldn't even have accepted her and her father's invitation to take him out for a meal, if it hadn't been for Ian's occasional insistence that he needed to be ”nicer to his clients” and ”cultivate professional contacts”. This only made his husband's reaction to the whole situation all the more annoying –

”It is not a date,” Mickey says flatly, irritation coloring his voice, because Ian is smiling at him in all too knowing way. ”I probably saved her fucking life, she wants to buy me dinner. That doesn't make this a – Listen, her fucking father is going to be there.”

”Yeah, sure he will.” Ian crosses his arms, still smirking like an asshole, but there's just a hint of an edge to the smile now. ”Does she even know you're gay?”

Mickey rolls his eyes. ”Of course she fucking knows, because I open every damned conversation with 'Hi, I'm Mickey and I love cocks' like a normal fucking faggot. Jesus. It hasn't come up. She knows I'm married.”

”Like that's gonna – ”

They're interrupted by the door to Liam's room opening, the boy stepping out to give them his very best judgemental look. ”Why are you yelling? I need to study.”

”Oh, it's nothing,” Ian says casually. ”Just Mickey having a date tonight. With a teenage girl.”

”She’s nineteen, and I am not – !”

Liam frowns. ”Is this like when he was fake-dating Byron to make you jealous? Are you going to go on a fake date too? With a girl?”  He pauses, frown deepening: ””Is there a Grindr for straight people?”

Ian's spared a reply as Lip comes up the stairs with Freddie in his arms. He pauses on the top step, brow furrowing as he takes in the scene: Mickey, dressed to the nines and with a scowl to match, Ian smiling with his arms crossed, and Liam wearing his trademark look, the one that says that everyone else is a bit of an idiot. ”What's going on here?”

”Mickey's going on a date with a woman.” Liam offers it readily, a true believer in the free dissemination of information. Probably something he picked up at private school.

Mickey gives a half-choked groan. ”It's not a – ! You know what, fuck you.” With one last glare and an extended middle finger, Mickey grabs his jacket and storms off.

Ian, Liam and Lip watch him go, nonplussed. Lip glances at Ian: ”Huh. Less than a year of marriage and you've already turned him off men.”

”Yeah, well. Have to admit I didn't see that one coming.”

---

The restaurant is fancy as hell, linen cloth and candlelight, one person to take his coat and another to show him to the table. Charlotte is already there, blonde hair pulled back in a strict ponytail, something expensive glittering around her neck and drawing attention to the generious helping of skin her lowcut black dress offers.

The table is set only for two. Mickey frowns as he takes his seat. ”Your father coming?”

”No.” The smile she gives him is very innocent. ”He got held up in a meeting, so he called to say he can't make it. He said to tell you sorry, and to thank you so much for your service.”

Listen to those alarm bells going off all at once... Mickey tries to mentally shake it off. It's nothing to worry about. Just Ian putting weird ideas into his head. ”Uh, yeah. Don't worry about it. Just doing my job.” He waves for the waiter to bring him a beer. He does need a drink, quite urgently.

Charlotte leans forward, looking up at him from under half-closed lids with a very intense expression on her perfectly moisturized face. ”You were so brave when Smithson attacked me. I don't know how I can ever thank you enough. You know, my father is paying for this meal, but if there was something else you wanted... ?”

And that's her grabbing the olive from her drink and very deliberately pushing it past her lips and that's... that's her foot, sans shoe, slowly sliding down his calf.

Oh. Fuck. This is a date. Inwardly groaning, Mickey rubs a tired hand over his face, before looking straight at Charlotte: ”You know I'm fucking gay, right? Like, married to a man?”  Jesus, Ian is never going to let him hear the end of this...

Charlotte reels back just a little, mouth falling slightly open. He's prepared for shock, disgust even – but instead a dreamy look appears on her face. ”Oh my god, that is sooo hot!”

What?

---

He feigns sleep when Ian returns home a quarter past midnight, but his husband isn't fooled. ”How was your date?” he murmurs as he slips in under the covers and wraps his arms around Mickey from behind.

”Shut the fuck up.”

A quiet laugh, a kiss pressed to his shoulder. ”I take it you're sticking with cocks for now then.”

And sure, there's a teasing edge to the words, and sure, he'll hear about this for-fucking-ever, but... Mickey turns around, facing Ian. ”I guess I am,” he agrees, reaching up to run his thumb over Ian's cheek.

Whatever mischief is there fades from Ian's eyes, from his voice: ”I'm glad,” he says simply, and pulls Mickey in for a kiss.

Yeah. So is he.

---

This one goes out to @starkcravingmad​  who suggested a teenage charge crushing on a clueless Mickey, in a reply to this post. I know you didn't ask me to write it, and I have no idea if this is even vaguely related to what you had in mind, but for better or worse you planted the seed, and here we are. Didn't intend for it to get this long, or this silly, but yeah.

[aion-rsa]

Shameless Season 11 Episode 7 Review: Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake

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This Shameless review contains spoilers.

Shameless Season 11 Episode 7

“Why do you still all live together? You obviously hate each other.”

A tenet of Shameless that’s defined the series even more than its Chicago setting or lower class social strata is that the dysfunctional Gallagher family all live together in one crowded house. There are nearly ten people living in the Gallagher household at any given time and these close quarters are metonymic of the love-hate relationship between the Gallaghers that’s at the core of the series. 

This cramped lifestyle is uncomfortable and limiting in many ways, but it’s allowed them to become stronger and closer in the process. Shameless has previously handled this living situation as an enduring badge of honor for the Gallaghers, but “Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake” is the first episode that wonders if it’s actually codependent behavior and questions if the Gallaghers should still be living together after these eleven seasons. This important question causes different reactions in the entire family, which results in one of Shameless’ strongest episodes of its final season.

The biggest conflict that drives nearly all of the activity in “Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake” is Lip’s selfish proposal to sell the Gallagher home and the resistance that he faces from everyone else. It makes sense that this idea would have extremely limited appeal to anyone, so it’s reassuring to see the various Gallaghers come back at Lip with unenthusiastic responses, because why wouldn’t they! 

It’s actually kind of sickening to see Lip try to buy out his family’s votes with meager favors like preparing their favorite food. This is a major decision that’s going to change the rest of their lives, not a vote over what’s being watched for movie night. Digestible favors aren’t the solution here and Lip should really just listen to his family instead of focusing on the right way to flip them.

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Lip’s unscrupulous tactics become cruelly manipulative when he tries to sway the younger members of the family, like Carl, with the potential in their $20,000 buyout. That’s hardly enough for Carl to upgrade from the life that he currently has, especially after he just decked out the basement and made his living quarters more comfortable than they’ve ever been. It’s rough to watch Lip aggressively bully his family into immediately voting on the matter and then being resentful when the consensus doesn’t side in his favor. The fact that nobody else votes to sell the house should give Lip enough of an indication that this is something that his family isn’t interested in and that he should find another way to solve his housing and financial problem.

I was concerned over Liam’s future if the Gallagher house disappears and so it’s satisfying to see this episode explore Liam’s fear over this exact situation. Surely some family member would step up and allow him to live with them, but the fact that he doesn’t consider that and thinks that he’s on his own speaks volumes for how he currently views his family. He’s more comfortable with Kevin and Vee than any Gallagher. Honestly, Lip should volunteer to house Liam until he finds something else, considering that this is all his fault, but Liam could do better than them at this point.

No Gallagher is more opposed to Lip’s suggestion to sell the house than Frank. He sequesters himself and grapples with the possibility of losing this symbol that’s been with the Gallaghers for generations in a much more philosophical manner than everyone else. Frank has been possessive over his territory and this very home in the past, but it’s always been for selfish reasons whereas his motivation here is surprisingly tender and poetic. Now, that’s not necessarily the reason to keep a house, but it’s a much purer motivation than Lip’s reasons for wanting to sell it. 

Frank’s continued to watch his family grow up and move beyond him and this house is the one constant that’s been present in the majority of his life. This means even more to Frank now after his dementia diagnosis and he finds more of his world slipping away from him. In many ways, Frank needs to keep this house and this episode highlights that in a manner that’s graceful and natural.

The rest of Frank’s material in this episode is quite haunting even if he does playfully manipulate others with his fresh diagnosis as a new tool in his arsenal of cons. “Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake” finds another clever way to juxtapose Shameless’ final season with some of its earliest exploits. There are several installments where Frank has gone on a massive bender and spends the episode in a stupor as he attempts to find his way back home. 

There’s never been an element of fear in those past excursions, but it’s now genuinely frightening to see Frank out of his element in some foreign place as he struggles to remain composure and figure out where he belongs. Shameless is already getting a lot of mileage out of this and it’s making its limited time with Frank’s diagnosis work as opposed to a whole season where he’s lost and mentally in bad shape.

Frank barely manages to get home in one piece due to his failing memory, but new drama with Sandy makes Debbie learn something that she wishes that she could forget. More of Sandy’s guarded past comes home to roost and now there’s a child that’s also in the equation. Debbie actually manages to create a modicum of empathy for her character as she emphasizes the importance of not shirking the responsibility of parenthood. 

It’s helpful for Debbie to display some humanizing qualities in an episode where the rest of the Gallaghers explicitly shout, “We just hate Debbie,” but she quickly turns the situation around on herself by how she handles her feelings. It’s incredibly inappropriate for Debbie to get involved in Sandy’s custody battle and consciously ignore what both parents and the child are requesting in this situation. Debbie’s erratic behavior is all the response of her intense abandonment issues from Monica and even Fiona, to some extent. Debbie seems resistant in the area even if it’s something that the audience has been aware of for some time.

The other major relationship that this episode deconstructs is the recent encounter between Carl and Tish, which begins as DOA on account of the sexual assault component of it all, but takes a surprising turn by the end of everything. Carl lets Tish down in a gentle and caring manner that’s actually mature and seems like it will be premature, albeit responsible, conclusion to their time together. This is Shameless, so “mature” is a word that’s typically out of the show’s vocabulary. Initially, Carl’s stress over this scenario explodes in a humorous and inappropriate display at work, but then matters take a more realistic approach to this relationship. 

There’s a very sitcom-like aesthetic to a lot of “Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake’s” storylines and like in most sitcoms, Carl and Tish’s problem is a case where clear communication would have solved everything. I actually love how this plot plays out where Tish is a decent, accomplished person who has valid excuses for all of her behavior. Similarly, Carl never initially accuses her of rape because he’s equally trying to act like a gentleman and minimize any unnecessary conflict in their goodbye. It’s a simple, yet surprising, resolution where Carl is actually the wild one and Tish is completely normal. It’s a welcome change of pace and it provides a nice taste of Carl’s awkward transition into adult relationships now that he’s growing up and entered this seemingly more responsible stage of his life.

Ironically, consistency has been good for Carl, but it’s something that’s been sporadic in this season of Shameless. The group dynamic in episodes has occasionally been unbalanced or felt unnatural, but there’s a very comfortable energy around the Gallaghers in this episode. Characters like Lip and Debbie become antagonistic and cause ripples throughout the rest of the family, but these moments of tension are explored in larger group scenes that benefit from the complete family’s dynamic. Mickey not even say something in a scene, but the fact that he’s there and offers an exasperated eye roll to Ian or Carl accomplishes so much. The beginning of this season struggled in this area, but it’s been a triumph across the past few installments and will hopefully continue until the season’s end.

This is a natural and effortless Shameless episode not just in terms of its character dynamics, but also its sense of humor. This installment is easily one of the funnier entries of the season and lands some legitimately hilarious gags. It’s always appreciated when Shameless can accentuate its strong comedic skills, especially since lately it’s embraced melodrama and quirky scenarios over direct jokes. 

“Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake” is an effective reminder that this show can still be quite humorous and the moment where Frank is a bar that’s not the Alibi and gets tripped up over a Vee doppelganger made me laugh out loud. It also might be the last joke that’s made which stems from Frank’s dementia if the subject matter grows more intense on that front.  

Shameless embraces this lighter comedic energy the most with Ian and Mickey’s storyline, where they try to acquire some gay friends for themselves. This is fantastic right from the jump and it’s such a pleasant and affable storyline that it almost feels out of place in Shameless, especially eleven seasons in. Mickey struggles to make something as simple as a smile seem natural and it only gets more ridiculous as these two put themselves out there. 

Mickey and Ian both generate an awkward energy and it’s a major wakeup call to just how atypical the Gallaghers and Milkoviches are in contrast to the rest of Chicago. The craziest detail here is that Mickey becomes the more popular of the duo in the end and it’s a highlight to see him trading barbs and doing pile-ons as Ian tries to collect himself. Ian and Mickey’s behavior in their post-married life has been a bright spot in this season and this is the easily most enjoyable of their storylines so far. The two have been in such heightened scenarios that there’s a real charm to them doing something this normal and mundane. 

Once everything comes to a head in “Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake,” Lip reaches a very dangerous place and he practically has a mental breakdown over the avalanche of selfish and misguided decisions that he’s made this season. Lip has been responsible for some seriously awful things, but “Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake” concludes with behavior that is so out of line and on par with any of Fiona and Frank’s worst behavior. A reckoning is coming and it might be too late for Lip to get a happy ending by the time that all of this is over. 

All of Lip’s foolishness crashes together in such a disastrous manner that you practically expect the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme to kick in. The most important thing that Lip needs to do is just face reality and know when to tap out rather than continue to dig himself deeper. This behavior was problematic when Lip was a single self-destructive alcoholic, but now he has a child and life partner and it’s not tenable any longer. Just live with her family, dude!

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“Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake” is a satisfying episode that greatly benefits from a smart script that’s heavy in humor. This season of Shameless has gotten a little away from itself, but this episode turns to more grounded scenarios that are rooted in the characters’ backstories. It’s exactly what the series needs right now and as Frank loses track of who he is in a mental capacity and Lip loses sight of himself based on how far he’s fallen, it’s reassuring that Shameless has found itself and remembers what makes it work as it heads into the Chicago sunset.

The post Shameless Season 11 Episode 7 Review: Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[oosteven-universe]

Cosmo the Mighty Martian #2

Cosmo the Mighty Martian #2 Archie Comics 2019 Written by Ian Flynn Illustrated by Tracy Yardley Coloured by Matt Herms Lettered by Jack Morelli     During a recon mission on the asteroid Ceres, Cosmo and his crew learned that the evil Venusians have been using a mineral called Aphrodite, which allows the Venusians to mutate lifeforms to do their bidding. As if that wasn't bad enough, one of the elite Venusian warriors, Battle Princess Shih, kidnapped Cosmo's best pal Orbi! With no time to lose, the Martians race after Shih, determined to rescue their friend before something even more awful happens to him...     I am so enamoured with this book. I grew up watching cartoons on Saturday mornings, and weekdays after school, that in our current climate are deemed too violent which is utterly silly. This reminds me of those days it has the right mix of humour and danger that makes it such a standout. There is this brilliant mix of characters in this book all of whom have their own ideas of what it is they do and who is in charge. The dialogue is phenomenal and the way they act and behave is something you cannot resist making you smile.     The way that this is being told is fantastic. I think it's amusing that after all the time they've spent together that Astra would realise that Cosmo's headaches were the result of these visions of his. Also the language barrier with Max and the way he and Cosmo go back and forth is hilarious not to mention the sheer amount of imagery that we see which has all these, I am trying not to laugh as I type, references we all know and love that shouldn't work but by goodness sake it certainly does. I am particularly fond of the way the gang enters Cronius Aerial Base.     The story & plot development we see through the sequence of events unfolding as well as how the reader learns information is extremely well done. I am particularly impressed with how Ian manages to make this all-ages friendly so that adults have a wide range of humour and the younger set will appreciate this style of cartoon splendour. The character development is incredible as we see the character interact with one another as well act and react to the situations they find themselves in flesh out their personalities. The pacing is spot on great as it takes us through the pages and reveals the twists and turns which create a wonderful ebb & flow to the book. I love the way that this book is structured and how well the action flows here.     The interiors here are superb! The linework is great and while everything is done with a tongue-in-cheek attitude it works perfectly well here. There is some really nice utilisation of old school classic techniques, think Sunday Strips, as well as from Dynomutt and all of it gives the reader this comfortable feel like visiting some old friends. The utilisation of the page layouts and how we see the angles and perspective in the panels show a really strong talented eye for storytelling. There is so much expression happening within these page with the way we see Vegemites (sorry I start singing Men at Work when I say that word) and our intrepid explorers. The colour work from Matt is spectacular as usual and he manages to breathe that fun air of life into this in ways complete the entire book. ​     There is such a thing as fun for the whole family and this is it! Archie has it's hand on the pulse of what makes people happy, they always have and this just continues to demonstrate it. Cosmo the Mighty Martian should be that guilty pleasure that finds it's way into your reading pile anytime it's out.

[teenybeanielinguine]

Outlander Season 5 - A Girl Can Dream

 It’s been a little over two weeks since the Season 4 finale... and DAMN, the withdrawal is hitting me hard.  I’ve rewatched all my favorite scenes, re-read all my favorite passages, and scoured Tumblr for every piece of fanfiction available.  But nothing seems capable of filling the Outlander-shaped void in my heart.

Since I clearly have nothing better to do (not true; there are A LOT of other things I should be doing), I’ve decided to grace you all with my unsolicited thoughts (no need to thank me).  Season 5 has no announced release date, but I’m not known for my patience, so I’m hopping on the crazy train a little early.  Destination: The Fiery Cross. (Spoilers ahead.)

About The Fiery Cross

I’ve read quite a few posts that label Drums of Autumn as the pivotal point in the series.  I respectfully disagree.

DoA felt like the next step in a gradual evolution.  It’s true that Bree and Roger gained their independence from the J/C plotline in DoA, but DG had been prepping us for this divergence for quite a while.  Claire was our only narrator in Outlander, and while she remains the only 1st person POV, other characters have been quietly adding their voices to hers.  Roger joined her in Dragonfly in Amber, followed by Jamie and John Grey in Voyager, and we finally get Brianna in Drums of Autumn (that’s RIGHT: in the main books, we hear Roger’s POV before we ever hear Jamie’s).  Because of these constantly expanding POVs, DoA just felt like a natural progression, rather than a huge departure from the status quo.

The Fiery Cross, on the other hand, feels like a turning point.  Not only is it the first book to not get a newly added POV, but the story starts to get a little... unpredictable.

All of the books have a fair amount of twistiness and unpredictability, but our characters have pretty clear goals in each installation so far: get back to the stones, save Jamie from Black Jack, prevent the Rising, prevent Culloden, make Brianna believe the truth, find Jamie after 20 years, rescue Young Ian, establish the Ridge, warn Jamie and Claire about the fire, rescue Roger...  I know I’m generalizing here, but you get the point.  Our heroes all have clearly defined end goals, and they’re putting all their energy into achieving them, despite the twists and turns that DG throws their way.  The characters may not always succeed, but you, the reader, always know where the story is headed.

By the start of The Fiery Cross, the goals are a little broader, more nebulous.  There may be unrest in North Carolina, the American Revolution may be looming in the distance, but basically the Fraser family just wants to live in peace on the Ridge.  That’s it.  No daring rescues, no dramatic reunions; they just want some peace and quiet.  Of course, they aren’t going to get it, because this is Outlander-verse, where Murphy’s Law is on steroids.

So the Frasers play it by ear, taking on every new challenge as it comes.  There is no clear path forward, they just have to react as best they can to the events around them.  In consequence, the reader gets a series of smaller meandering stories, with the distinct feeling that something bigger is happening in the background.  I personally love this, because I have no clue what’s going to happen next, so when something big happens, it takes me completely by surprise.  And you get to see the characters just exist in day-to-day life, which is the best.  Some of the characters still have personal goals (spoiler alert: Stephen Bonnet definitely did NOT die in that explosion), but the pursuit of those goals isn’t driving the story nearly as much as in past installments.

This is all to say that, while Season 5 is going to have to hit some major plot points, there is (in my opinion) a fair amount of breathing room for interpretation, and lots of fun to be had.  I’m fascinated to see the show tackle this new challenge.

My Wish List for Season 5

When I say “wish list”, I don’t mean to imply a series of demands.  I have no creative control over the adaptation, and I’m not listing these wishes in the vain hope that someone on the production team will notice.  This is just for fun, and I will be perfectly content if none of these make it into the show.  Also, not all of these are pulled from the book; some of them are just things I would love to see.

So here are my top ten wishes, in no particular order:

Roger the Fangirl.  In the midst of all the Roger-hate this past season, the OL fandom has forgotten one crucial fact: Roger is the ultimate J/C shipper.  This romantic idiot is the whole reason that Claire went back in time to find Jamie!  You’d think Jamie’s fists would have beaten the ship right out of Roger, but if last season proves anything, it’s that Roger doesn’t give up easily.  He’s gonna keep shipping like his life depends on it, and there are some really cute moments in TFC where he fangirls over how adorable Jamie and Claire are together (also, Jamie is going to become his new idol).  I suppose it would be unrealistic to hope that he and Murtagh form a fan club next season...?

Brothers and Sisters.  Am I the only one who wanted to scream when Brianna and Fergus were right next to each other in the Wilmington jail and they didn’t acknowledge each other?  By the end of S4, we don’t even know whether Fergus and Marsali know about Bree’s existence (I mean, Fergus helped capture Bonnet, but he and Marsali didn’t say a word about Bree), and that frustrates me to no end.  The books skipped over the getting-to-know-you stuff too, which is crazy considering that they are siblings (adopted or not)!  I would kill for a scene where Jamie and Claire are struggling to explain why they have a fully-grown daughter, as well as some bonding time between siblings.  Bree and Marsali are definitely going to get along, cause badass women stick together.

The Snake Bite.  The snake bite incident (aftermath included) is one of my favorite sequences in TFC.  It brings Roger and Jamie closer together, it shows the courage of the Fraser women in a crisis, and it rallies the entire Ridge community in their worry for Jamie.  I suppose it’s sadistic of me, but I loved watching everyone freak out when they thought Jamie was going to die or lose a leg.  And then the 20th century women come to the rescue!  An entire episode dedicated to that whole plotline would be amazing.

Grannie and Grand-da.  Claire and Jamie are not only adorable as grandparents, they’re relatable AF.  They might love their new grandson to pieces, but that’s not going to stop them from being honest about the realities of childcare.  Jamie in particular is hilarious; he builds an entire house at top speed to get away from the screeching baby (and his newly reunited parents), and then he compares Bree unflatteringly to the white sow (not to her face, of course; see Chapter 30 for a good laugh).  I’d love to see that side of Jamie and Claire next season.

Wolf’s Brother.  We might have said a tearful goodbye to Young Ian in the S4 finale, but we haven’t seen the last of him.  My guess is that he’s going to make a dramatic reappearance in the S5 finale, but I really hope we see him before then.  Showing Young Ian’s time among the Mohawk would give Outlander a chance to showcase the amazing First Nations actors that appeared in S4 (Braeden Clarke, anyone?) as well as explore how Ian slowly blends his Highland upbringing with Mohawk customs.

Claire the Science Nerd.  So far all of Claire’s medical expertise has been utilized in life-or-death situations, but establishing a medical practice on the Ridge gives her the opportunity to geek out over plants and experiment in reproducing 20th century medicine in the 18th century.  Over the course of TFC, she gives genetics lessons, performs two tonsillectomies, and produces penicillin (among other things).  This passion for her craft is one of the reasons I love Claire so much.  And her nerd moments aren’t always serious: one of my favorite scenes in the book features Claire and her microscope giving Jamie a hilarious lesson in reproductive biology.

Fraser’s Ridge.  We didn’t get to see much of the Ridge community in S4, although Jamie did allude to the farmers who contributed the grain to make whisky.  The community is comprised of a growing array of Scottish immigrants, and the drama they bring to Claire and Jamie’s lives wavers between amusing and disastrous.  I don’t think the show will have time to explore the entire cast of characters, but I’m hoping to see Thomas Christie and his children introduced, at least.  I’ve always found Tom Christie a strangely compelling character; his children, on the other hand, are nothing more than a necessary evil.  I also really hope we meet the twins, Josiah and Keziah Beardsley (Lizzie’s story is about to get really interesting).

The MacKenzie Bloodline.  Despite all the time-traveling she’s been doing, Claire has yet to meet any of her ancestors (that we know of...  DG might be holding out on us).  Roger, on the other hand, is not going to be so lucky (if you’ve read all eight books, you’ll know that Roger runs into his ancestors A LOT).  By the end of S4, I’m not sure Jamie is aware that his daughter is married to Geillis Duncan and Dougal MacKenzie’s descendant, but I wanna be there when he and Murtagh find out (a perfect opportunity for some good dialogue and tension).  And while Roger may be able to explain his ancestry to Jamie and Murtagh (both of whom are fully aware of the existence of time travel), he’s not going to be able to give the same explanation to Jocasta.  In the beginning of TFC, there’s a really great conversation between Jocasta and Roger where Jocasta is kinda fishing around for clues about Roger’s family.  Roger, of course, can’t tell her that he’s actually her great-great-grandnephew (give or take a few ‘great’s).  My hope is that the show includes some version of this conversation and continues to play around with Roger’s MacKenzie heritage (and all its implications).

Future Talk.  With three time-travelers in the family, there’s bound to be some discussion of the future.  Especially with the tension mounting in North Carolina and Murtagh aligning himself with the Regulators.  I am yearning for some deep discussion between Jamie, Murtagh, and the travelers about the events to come.  I have a hunch that either Claire or Bree has already informed Murtagh about the American Revolution, based on a comment he made to Jocasta about a “different ending”, but I want to see it actually played out on screen.  The interplay between the characters who know the future and those who don’t is fascinating to me, and I want more of it.

Jamie the Protector.  Jamie’s protective instincts have had some disastrous consequences this past season, but he is going to redeem himself next season.  Early on in TFC, Jamie claims Roger as the “son of his house”, and he proceeds to stand by that claim throughout the book, especially in the aftermath of Roger’s wrongful hanging at the hands of Governor Tryon.  This time, Jamie’s protective feelings aren’t going to result in a beating, though it’s a close call.  I love this shift, from Jamie beating Roger to Jamie protecting/avenging Roger; it’s a very satisfying development.

Bonus: Geese.  Brianna and Roger may have a child together, but they have never lived together as a married couple.  They also don’t have very much experience being in a serious relationship (S4 showed us that they really don’t know how to argue properly).  However, they have both grown up quite a bit since their hand fasting, and you get to see them learning how to coexist in Chapter 33 of TFC.  It’s a great scene, where Roger’s just come back with the militia, and he and Bree have a meaningless fight because she hasn’t had it easy since the militia left.  But they resolve their argument peacefully as Bree vents her frustrations to Roger and gives him a drawing of some geese as a Christmas present.  A really wonderful everyday moment.

There are, of course, more things I’d like to see, but these are my favorites.  I thought I’d list them out now, since this is going to be a LONG Droughtlander, and I am sure to get obsessed with something else eventually (the new A Discovery of Witches show looks promising).  Also, I’m going to temporarily forget about Season 5 if Bees comes out first.

What are your wishes for Season 5?  If you choose to respond, please be kind and respectful.

[miss-musings]

My List of Top 10 Blacklisters

Let me say right off the bat that it was really difficult to compile this list. Because while I feel a lot of one-off Blacklisters are pretty much throwaways, especially all the different cults and kooky people that the show likes to keep introducing, many of the better ones (IMO) were bad guys who had been around for multiple episodes, maybe even entire arcs or seasons.

So, picking out my Top 10 -- based on how unique they were, how memorable they were, how intimidating, how threatening they were to the main cast, etc. -- was relatively easy, but ranking them was difficult. Because, again, a lot of them get way more screentime than others.

So, I'll try to rank them based on a combination of how much I personally liked them, how much of an overall impact to the story/characters the Blacklister had relative to their screentime and build-up, how well the actor did with the role, how unique and memorable they were, etc.

You'll notice that people like Laurel Hitchen, who was an antagonist but not technically a Blacklister, isn't on the list; and you'll notice that "good guys" like Dembe or Marvin Gerard who were technically Blacklisters, but weren't antagonists for Red or the Task Force aren't on here either. Tom, who flip-flopped between good guy and bad guy as the show progressed, isn't on here either; but that's because there's so much material to judge from as he was a main cast member for at least three seasons, which is unfair.

Anyway, without further ado: my list. Again, feel free to disagree and make your own lists if you like.

(EDIT: I’ve done a follow-up list of ‘Top 10 Best One-Off Blacklisters’, because so many of the below entries had multiple episodes in which to be menacing.)

Note for future reference: this list only includes Blacklisters up through the end of S5.

###

HONORABLE MENTION: MR. KAPLAN

I really wanted to put Mr. Kaplan on this list, and I had at one point, but then I realized I forgot one of the more imposing Blacklisters and had to slide him into the spot where I had Mr. Kaplan. The only reason I took her off completely rather knocking every lower-numbered entry down a spot, was because while I really liked Mr. Kaplan up until S3c, I hated how the showrunners forced the storyline where she had once been Liz's nanny and hated Red for doing her and the Keen family wrong. I love Susan Bloomaert and think she's a very talented actress who's incredibly underrated; but I loved her character more when she was on Red's team -- his cleaner, his friend, his confidant. Granted, there were some really good episodes with her as an antagonist, but I hated the way she died -- throwing herself off a bridge.

Anyway, again, I want to emphasize that this list is purely subjective. So, if you think I've done Mr. Kaplan a disservice, feel free to make your own list to give her to honor you believe she deserves. As I said: I loved Mr. Kaplan, but I felt the whole S4b storyline completely assassinated her character as we knew it up to that point.

P.S. I also feel like GREGORY DEVRY should get a shout-out, but I’ll probably include him in my list of Best One-Off Blacklisters.

10. LEONARD CAUL

This is one of those entries where I guess I kind of cheated. Caul didn’t really end up being an antagonist for Red, Liz or the Task Force. But he was introduced to us a little ambiguously with him developing photos of Liz and Red, listening to the police scanner -- and then holding Liz at gunpoint (briefly) in Red's Bethesda apartment... I really liked all of that and how it was kind of vague from the beginning whether he was on their side or not. Granted, he doesn't get much screentime even in his own episode, and honestly, after S2, I'm not really sure what happened to him. I know he was hanging around with Red up until the S2 finale or thereabouts, but yeah, whatever happened to that guy?

Anyway, it was a really tense episode, and I felt like Caul brought a level of adrenaline and urgency to the situation with Red and the Cabal, as well as the show in general.

9. IAN GARVEY

You'd think Garvey would be higher on this list, but I was never really a big fan of him. Granted, he did pose a pretty serious threat for our main crew, after he stole the Real Reddington’s bones, killed Tom and his goons knocked Liz into a coma. And the actor did a fine job. But, I just felt that -- up until his connection to the Reddington family was revealed -- he was just kind of cartoonish. A dirty cop who runs a drug cartel? Yeah, I don't care.

But, again, while I don't really like Garvey, I felt like he had such an impact on the show and the characters that he deserved a spot -- even if it was a low one.

8. MADELINE PRATT

The only female Blacklister to formally make it onto the list. (Sorry, Mr. Kaplan.) I thought her character and this episode was incredibly well-done. It was a little bit of a heist storyline, and Pratt was a good foil for Liz and Red, forcing both of them to open up in ways we hadn't seen before (up to that point). Liz became more comfortable doing criminal-type things, using her slight-of-hand, infiltrating locations and lying/manipulating people; while Red, conversely, became more human and opened up about why he has been so distant with people and the hurt he has experienced in the past.

Also, Madeline is one of the few past/current love interests of Red that we see on the show, and I really like Jennifer Ehle (mostly because of the 1995 version of Pride & Prejudice). I felt like she matched well with Spader and wasn't overpowered by his always-charismatic performance. And, while we only ever saw her in this episode and briefly in 2x14, I felt like she deserved a spot because she was such a unique character and that episode introduced a lot of character details and traits that became important later.

7. THE STEWMAKER

I really, really liked the Stewmaker -- both the bad guy and the episode. The only reason I didn't put him higher on this list is because I feel everyone else is too good (or bad, depending on how you want to look at it) to be displaced.

So, I remember reading on one of those TV-watching websites that if you weren't entirely sure about a show but you wanted to give it a chance, you should watch at least four episodes to see whether it was any good. By the fourth episode, the show should have established its characters, its dynamic, its continuing plot points, its feel, etc. Pilots, of course, always feel a little different than the shows themselves because they're filmed months before any other episode; so you have to give shows a chance to establish themselves and walk on their own two feet.

So... when THIS was the show's fourth episode... oh, buddy.

The Stewmaker posed a serious threat as he was the first person to ever hold Liz captive and feel the wrath of Red for such an offense. The episode gave us the infamous Parable of the Farmer; and continued the then-mystery of Liz finding out about Tom's shady past.

But, as for the character himself, he was just really weird. Walking around naked while he was working, but having that mask on; disintegrating bodies; having his dog with him; actually being a family man but having this criminal work on the side. And, also, we had a little bit of interaction where Liz was actually trying to do her job (for once) and profile him and use that info to her advantage.

He was a character that I feel the show has tried to redo several times -- the kooky weirdo who's very calm, apologetic and doesn't like violence but who is also fascinated by death, bodies, etc. But, of course, this was the FIRST time the show had used such a character, so it was much more memorable then and not so watered-down.

In any case, I really liked the Stewmaker and thought he was a fantastic Blacklister for the show to have in its fourth episode of the entire series.

6. MATIAS SOLOMON

So, this is actually the spot where I had Mr. Kaplan. But, while I was doing some background research on my #1 choice, I ran across Edi Gathegi's name and remembered that I left Solomon completely off the list. He had been an antagonist throughout the whole of S3a and then came back for his namesake episodes where he and his crew attack Liz and Tom's wedding, Liz gives birth to Agnes, and later she "dies" with Red by her side.

Solomon is either directly or indirectly responsible for a lot of major shit that happened on this show -- hell, just in those two episodes. And, I really like Gathegi's performance, especially considering how Solomon was a little Extra™. So he had to play him as dramatic with a penchant for flair and style ... but without him becoming cartoonish. He was just a little bit eccentric but could still hold himself and lead a team of goons in shooting up a church.

Again, I hated to leave Mr. Kaplan off the list but I felt it was a greater disservice to not put Solomon on it, considering how much of a threat he posed to our main cast throughout various points of S3.

5. THE DECEMBRIST (A.K.A. ALAN FITCH)

This is basically just an outlet for me to talk about how amazing Alan Alda is and how much I love him and wish the show hadn't killed his character off. Seriously, he's just so adorable, and it was hilarious to see him partly playing against type here. Fitch was intimidating, but I also kept wanting to give him a hug.

And, I felt like that was how Red felt toward him. He hated Fitch for the whole bullshit in that raid on the Post Office, but yet, he also respected him. That look on his face when he's having that last conversation before the bomb on Fitch's neck goes off... just heartbreaking.

And while so many actors seem to bow under the weight of Spader's performances, Alda is also one of the few actors who I felt like was on-par with him in terms of charisma and acting chops. It seems he just strolls onto the set and does whatever is required of him without a care in the world. "Need me to be gruff and menacing? I can do that. Need me to be sad and fearful? I can do that. Need me to look bored and indifferent? I can do that." God, I just love Alan Alda, and I want to give him a hug. 

But, seriously, Fitch was a Blacklister who's impact on the story goes all the way back to setting Berlin on Red decades before S2 takes place, and he was one of the few people (at that time) who seemed to know Reddington from the pre-Night of the Fire era. (It's unclear now whether that was actually true; he probably knew the REAL Reddington, but never knew our guy was an imposter.)

Anyway, Fitch had a major impact on the story because he was the one person/thing who had a connection to the raid on the Post Office, the Cabal and Berlin. So, he definitely deserves a spot on this list. And also, ALAN ALDA!

4. BERLIN

This is a weird entry, because Berlin is hardly in either of his two namesake episodes; and even when he is, his identity is obscured until the very end of "Berlin: Conclusion."

Berlin had been built up for a long time, and while I still am so frustrated that it was never addressed how he organized a giant criminal syndicate from inside a Russian prison. Honestly, for as much as for as long as he was built up, I feel like the pay-off was a little bit disappointing. Which is why he’s at number four for me.

Still, when he came back in the first half of S2, he was such a good baddie. I absolutely love when he and Red meet on Coney Island, and that weird, dynamic and layered conversation that they have. And overall, Peter Stormare's performance is fantastic. He's mustache-twirling, sure, but he was so intimidating at the same time... threatening Liz, capturing Naomi, being responsible for the attacks on Cooper and Meera, etc.

He had a tremendous impact on both S1 and S2a, so he definitely has to have a spot.

3. ALEXANDER KIRK (A.K.A. CONSTANTIN ROSTOV)

Like Berlin, Kirk is hardly in either of his namesake episodes, but we get to see him more fleshed out as a character/villain in S4a.

Unlike most villains, we actually got to see quiet moments of Kirk, where he was caring, respectful, loving and just ... generally not villainous. Most of these other Blacklisters never got those opportunities, and Kirk -- in hindsight -- was built up as a kind of hero out of a Greek tragedy. Odette tells Liz that he was a kind, caring and gentle man up until he found out about Liz’s identity as Masha and her connection to Red. Then, he flipped his shit and did whatever it took to get his (step)daughter away from him. And, honestly, I really liked his little farewell speech to Liz about how she would only ever remember him as a villain who kidnapped and threatened her and her child; and she would never remember him as the young, happy father who held her in her arms, excited at what the future would hold for their family.

God, just thinking back to that speech makes me feel such sympathy for the man... not the one he became but the one he used to be. Kirk was hurt and betrayed multiple times by Katarina, the Real Reddington, the Fake Reddington, and all these other people who played him like a puppet for their own ends. Really thinking back on it, it’s no wonder he became the broken man he is, so desperately trying to cling to this frayed prospect of happiness with the family he once had. Yes, he was hoping that Liz or Agnes would help cure him of his disease, but I truly believe that was only a bonus in his mind and he was really hoping to piece his family back together -- to have a second chance in his (step)daughter’s life and help her with her newborn.

He’s also one of the few villains with his own arc who WASN’T killed off at the end of said arc, so I REALLY hope he comes back. I doubt it, but I would really like to see it. Maybe he could help Liz understand what all happened with Katarina, Real Reddington, Fake Reddington, and everything on the Night of the Fire.

And, again, like with Fitch, he was a really important Blacklister as he was connected to both Red’s past and Liz’s. And, that scene where he’s about to kill Red, and the two stop to reminisce about Katarina, who she was, and how important she was to them ... that’s the kind of depth we don’t get out of most Blacklisters.

Honestly, even though his introduction to the audience was a little too Darth Vader/Alias-esque, I still really enjoyed the range of emotions Ulrich Thomsen got to run through in his portrayal, especially in that final episode. And while he doesn’t really have a lasting effect on the story once his arc is resolved, he was a major threat to everyone, including Liz, and the main characters to make major decisions in the latter half of S3 and the first part of S4 that showed us who they really are.

So, yeah. IMO, he deserves to be this high on the list.

2. ANSLO GARRICK

It might seem a little weird to have a one-off villain this high on the list, but Anslo Garrick -- both the character and his namesake episodes -- was an actual game-changer. Here we were, skipping along through S1, pretty complacent and chill. And then all of a sudden, Anslo Garrick shows up and turns everything on its head. The Post Office is under attack; Ressler gets seriously injured and he and Red have to make due hanging out together inside the box; Cooper et al is captured; Liz and Aram, who have little field experience between them, have to team up to try to get to safety. Luli is killed; Dembe is almost killed; Liz is threatened; Red is captured and later escapes.

God, so much happened in those episodes, and I still think “Anslo Garrick: Part One” might be the best episode of the show to date. Seriously. Even though Red and Liz have zero screentime together, that episode is just SO GOOD. Intense, dark, with high-stakes and important character moments -- and there have been very few episodes like it since.

But, anyway, as for Anslo Garrick himself... he isn’t really all that much. He was a rabid dog sent by Fitch to bring Red in. He was intimidating, coarse, violent and gave zero shits about his actions.

This entry doesn’t really celebrate who the character of Anslo Garrick was, but more of what he represented and the major impact he had on the show at that point in time. He introduced us to Fitch, who first brought up the whole “Cabal” storyline, which was responsible for a lot of shit in S2 and S3a.

Again, Garrick woke us viewers out of our little complacency that Red & co. were just going to glide through their Blacklisters with only a few cuts and bruises and no real stakes (outside of the Tom/mystery storyline that was going on at the time). This was a good kick in the pants to make us realize that we were wrong.

So, yeah. I feel like he deserves to be Number 2.

1. THE DIRECTOR

So, you’re sitting there, wondering who the hell could be sitting at Number 1... above Garvey, above Kirk and Garrick and Fitch and everyone else?

It’s the man who if I could push a button and bring any of the show’s dead character back to life, he would be the one I’d pick:

Peter Kotsiopulos, The Director ... played by the amazing David Strathairn.

Even though he appeared in 12 episodes over what amounted to an entire season of the show (from 2x09 to 3x10), I really wish The Director hadn’t been killed off. Seriously, I have no idea how much money TPTB had to throw at Strathairn to get him to appear for as long and as many times as he did, but it wasn’t enough. I've always said that this show deserves a Big Bad (assuming that Red isn’t it), and he would’ve been great as the Big Bad for The Blacklist.

While Strathairn's basically just reprising his role as "Unethical and Shady AF Government Official and Resident Mustache-Twirler" from The Bourne Series, it's a role he's REALLY good at. And even though he didn’t get a lot of quiet moments to be humanized or come across as sympathetic, like Kirk did, I still feel like it was such a bitch move for Red and his crew to play on The Director’s feelings for/obligation to his wife as their opportunity to abduct him. I know that Liz was facing trial for murder and desperate times called for desperate measures, but I can just imagine that poor lady sitting in her therapist’s office, wondering where her husband was only to find out that he was a villain who had ditched her and fled the country, when that wasn’t the case AT ALL.

Yeah, I know The Director’s an absolute piece of shit who’s responsible for threatening the entire Task Force, publicly demonizing Liz and almost killing Red... but he was so good at being bad that I wanted him to stick around long-term. I wanted to see him and Liz have more interactions; and again, Stathairn was one of the few actors who held his own in scenes with Spader without any effort.

He was also the first one, as I recall, to set Liz on this path toward Katarina Rostova’s backstory and finding out how alike the two of them were. Remember in 2x19, he remarks how much Liz looks like her mom, and I feel like that sends Liz down a road to get answers from Red about who she was and what his connection was to her mom and her family.

But, anyway, yeah. I just love David Strathairn; I loved him in this role, on this show; and I loved how diabolical, manipulative, and just conniving his character was. I also just absolutely love the look on his face in 3x10 when he and Red are watching Laurel Hitchen on the TV and Hitchen just outs The Director as a member of the Cabal. He just goes from angry and staring daggers at Red to flustered and “oh shit” in an instant.

So, just like my Fitch entry was my opportunity to celebrate how amazing Alan Alda was, this is my chance to celebrate how underrated David Strathairn is as an actor and how much I wish he was still on the show.

But, putting all of that aside, why should The Director as a character be ranked above all those other people as a better Blacklister?

Because, The Director represented the Cabal, which was an entity that had been built up from 1x09 as a major force that had power to easily destroy everything Red, Liz and their crew was trying to work toward. They sent Braxton after info about the Fulcrum, they sent Karakurt to frame Liz, they sent that team of commandos to attack Red. They were a force that seemingly could not be stopped, and the Director was at the head of it all.

And, while I can’t find it anywhere (so help me out if you know what I’m talking about), I know there’s a saying about how the worst man is the one who does evil in the name of good. And that’s The Director. He is the embodiment of all the worst parts of The Blacklist’s villains, actual real life government officials and humanity at large. He has dozens of people killed without batting an eye because it’s all in the interest of “national security.” Or so he tells others. But, deep down, we all know that he’s only really concerned about his own self-interest.

Now that the show has killed him off, obviously, there’s no way for Strathairn to return as The Director; but perhaps, if/once the show delves more into Katarina and Red’s backstory, maybe we will see a Young Director in a flashback so that we can see exactly how he was connected to Katarina, the Cabal, and that whole mess with the Fulcrum.

Plus, I can’t get over how awesome his interactions with Liz were, and Strathairn’s delivery of the now infamous line, “I know who you really are, Raymond -- who you are TO HER.”

###

Again, if you disagree, feel free to reblog with your comments or your own list. This is all purely subjective, but -- because we’re on this crazy-long hiatus until January -- I felt like it was good to fill the time with SOMETHING. My goal with this isn’t to give a definitive list and that’s it; but rather, to prompt discussion about the topic.

Thanks for reading all the way to the end and cheers! ~mm

[wazafam]

With its end on the horizon, now is the time to heavily praise Shameless. This series was spectacularly done, as it has been able to keep going after over ten years. Although it has lost some of its rawness since the beginning, it remains a wonderful series, as it is still creating fresh storylines in its final seasons. It also has done a very good job at depicting the true elements of relationships, both through good and bad ones.

RELATED: Shameless: 10 Questions About Debbie Gallagher, Answered

It has had its fair share of them, but there were a lot of missed opportunities that also could have been quite intriguing to follow. Of course, this is the case for all series. However, it could have provided a lot of entertaining moments if they decided to pair more characters together, whether they were main or side ones.

10 Sheila And Kermit

Although Sheila would eventually get her happy ending in the series, she faced a lot in the process. She had an abysmal husband in Eddie and then was used and manipulated by Frank.

It would have been interesting if she ended up with somebody like Kermit. Sure, Kermit drinks a lot, but he does seem to have a moral compass and is a pretty nice character for the most part. Had she stayed on the series, maybe a relationship between the two would have made sense.

9 Frank And Kate

Kate was not utilized a lot in the series, but she certainly was entertaining in her appearances. It would have been intriguing to see the show pair her up with Frank, as she worked at the bar and was pretty tough. It could have been an interesting dynamic having these two together because of that fact.

In a situation such as this, it would have been likely that Frank was simply using her for alcohol from the bar. Nonetheless, it could have been fun to watch unfold.

8 Sammi And Mikey

Sammi and Mikey were never on the series at the same time, but they could have been a great pair together. Sammi was certainly younger, but she did show that she was drawn to older men. Mikey, on the other hand, was simply hilarious and should have been given the chance to date someone.

RELATED: Shameless: 10 Questions About Lip Gallagher, Answered

Sammi's intense temperament mixed with Mikey's carefree one could have been a fun contrast to explore. It likely would have ended badly, but even with this being the case, it would have been funny for the show.

7 Fiona And Robbie

Fiona never deserved Mike, as at that point of the series, she was unable to remain loyal to anybody. Therefore, she would have been better off dating his brother, Robbie, from the very beginning.

Robbie was more at her level in terms of decency at this point of the show. Of course, Fiona would show signs of true character progression as the show continued, so their potential relationship would have been short-lived, much like their fling.

6 Lip And Estefania

It would have been interesting to see Lip and Estefania develop a relationship. It was clear that Estefania was attracted to Lip when she was on the series. Of course, she had been married to Jimmy, but perhaps her character could have returned later on.

The lone issue with this would have been Estefania's father of course, as he was ruthless and a legitimate murderer. However, given the fact that this series was not afraid to make things wild, this relationship would not have been too surprising.

5 Ian And Tony

After originally being interested in Fiona, it would later be revealed that Tony was actually gay. Therefore, it would have been kind of fitting to see him end up with Ian during his many breaks from Mickey.

RELATED: Shameless: 5 Most Likeable Characters (& 5 Fans Can't Stand)

Tony was definitely a nice guy, so he could have been a good, but temporary partner for Ian. Although the Gallaghers don't usually play well with cops, Ian makes sense with Tony because they both wanted to do good. Ian's time as a paramedic fit that theme just like Tony's occupation. Plus, a genuinely good guy for Ian was something that wasn't explored often.

4 Eddie And Ford

Eddie was a short-term fling for Lip, while Ford was a cheating and awful boyfriend to Fiona. These two could have been interesting together, as they both were quite flawed and disliked strongly by the audience.

Given the fact that their morals are so low, it would not have been too farfetched to find out that these two ended up together. In fact, Eddie could have easily been the woman that Ford cheated on Fiona with, as it would have been a believable move from the writers.

3 Fiona And Jody

During the earlier seasons, Fiona dated a lot of the characters, so would it have been that surprising if she ended up with Jody? A lot of her early flings were purely physical and with Jody being a good looking man, this could've totally actually happened.

Jody would end up being with Sheila after Karen dumped him, but had Fiona stepped in, it would have been quite understandable. Of course, Jimmy would have had to have been gone earlier for this to have had occurred.

2 Monica And Clayton

It was a complete bombshell when Ian found out that Clayton was his real father. Clayton also had a very deep attraction to Monica, even though he was married. However, it would have not been shocking at all had the two ended up together.

It was immensely challenging for Clayton to reject Monica's advances in the series. It also was clear that he did care for her as an individual too, so a potential relationship between the two was there. Monica had shown that she was not the most loyal of dating partners in the past too.

1 Kermit And Tommy

Kermit and Tommy have been best friends the whole series, but the newest season took it a step further. They would shockingly hook up, whilst heavily under the influence, but perhaps it could blossom into something more.

These two have been inseparable at the bar and have a close friendship because of this. However, maybe there is simply something more with them brewing after what had occurred. A relationship between them would be one of the most surprising turns of events in this show's whole run, but it would also be epic.

NEXT: Shameless: Frank's Greatest Lovers, Ranked

Shameless: 10 Duos Who Should Have Dated | ScreenRant from https://ift.tt/3aY9XIQ

[dirtdiggersanddinosaurs]

#PressTrip This weekend marks 3 weeks since we experienced the delights of Timber Festival and 3 weeks until we fully immerse ourselves in our next Wild Rumpus adventure at Just So. But before you start to hate me too much, I’ll crack on and tell you all about how we got on at Timber.

For those of you who read my preview (if you didn’t, catch up here) you’ll know that Timber Festival was our eagerly anticipated start to the Summer and this year’s festival season. We were looking for a chilled out vibe, with lots to keep the kids happy and generally we wanted to spend some quality time together continuing on from our holiday.

So how did it measure up?

Well if you’re expecting a run down of the acts and experiences I’d listed in my preview as our must sees, then you’re going to be slightly disappointed…why? Because when we got there, the site was so beautiful, calm and spread out that we kept getting distracted and stumbling across other things by accident. We were then completely absorbed and forgot all about what we were meant to have been doing.So basically we decided not to be ruled by the programme, and instead discover, explore and enjoy the festival on our own terms. Yes, we did miss a few things that we wanted to see but this way we found we took in things that we wouldn’t have necessarily chosen on paper. Plus, it gives us a few things to add to our Timber 2020 bucket list.

Practicalities for Parents.

Timber Festival takes place in Fearnedock near Ashby in the National Forest and runs over a three day weekend. The festival encourages families to immerse themselves into the heart of the forest while exploring their relationship with trees and nature.

The site is relatively well spaced out and there is a fair bit of walking involved for those with little legs but luckily we had a wagon, well I say lucky but I’m not entirely convinced that Ben considered himself lucky when he was pulling two sleepy children and our gear (we took chairs and a large picnic blanket) back up the hill when we left!

There were plenty of water points throughout the site so take a reusable water bottle with you and stay hydrated, especially if the sun is shining. There was also a cashpoint near to the entrance although some of the vendors took card payments.If you feel slightly nervous of taking a baby to a festival set in a forest then fear not, we were your happy little guinea pigs and took Eli (8 months) with us.

Imagine my glee when I discovered A BABY CHANGING TENT. This was a tepee style arrangement that was laid out with changing mats and also a selection of biodegradable nappies and wipes too should you find yourself running low. So no trekking back to the campsite each time to change a nappy, or trying to balance a baby on your knee while you do the honours! Not necessarily high up on everyone’s priorities when choosing a festival but it certainly made my day a whole lot easier. Mama’s you’re with me on this, right?

Our Foray into the Forest.

After trading in our tickets for wristbands we headed into the site intending to meander down to Field Notes to chill out for a bit and get our bearings before exploring. This however didn’t happen as Stanley spotted a familiar mini gypsy caravan in As The Crow Flies and we had no choice but follow a very excited 5 year old into the woodland clearing.

Ian Douglas Campfire Stories

In a totally non-stalkerish way [honestly] we tend to follow Ian Douglas around a bit, over the last few years we’ve caught up with him at ‘A Day at the Lake’ which was held at Rudyard Lake and annually at Etruria canals Festival. So it was a complete no brainer that we would listen to his stories at Timber as my boys (and me) absolutely love him.

Any campfire would be a pretty sad and lonely place without the incredible Ian Douglas, the storyteller to end all storytellers. Storytelling inspired by British folk tales and world myths.

So we settled in around the fire, and allowed ourselves to get taken into a magical world of adventure. Be warned: audience participation is not only actively encouraged it’s almost compulsory, and adds to the theatre. Stories need sound effects and we became waves crashing up against the rocks.

Hammer & Chisel

Could this have been any more perfect for my boys?

Wild play rules at our unique woodland playground. Under the supervision of our forest play experts, create your own world or add to ours using pallets, ladders and ropes and help us put together a myriad of walkways, dens and secret spaces. Pick up your tool of choice and get ready to build a Timberland.

Well, unsurprisingly they wholeheartedly threw themselves into this. I actually think Ben enjoyed it just as much as the boys did, there’s something about men and tools…they are instantly drawn to them.

After waiting, and waiting and a bit more waiting I gave up and left them to it and happily headed back to the campfire for another story this time to be enjoyed without a child wriggling around on my knee – bliss!

Professor Pumpernickel’s Mind-bending Science Show.

Eventually the boys downed tools and joined me at the campfire just in time for Professor Pumpernickel’s science show. I know what you’re thinking..sounds a bit boring right, this is a festival not a classroom! Well if you’re expecting a tweed wearing professor with half moon glasses you’re going to be in for quite a shock when I introduce you to Professor Pumpernickel.

Professor Pumpernickel travels the country with his laboratory of lunacy. His mission:- to enthuse all ages and abilities about science in hope of seeding some of our future inventors, explorers, life savers and superheroes.

If you like fire, explosions, loads of mess and mind-bending magic, you’ll love Pumpernickel. We certainly did. From his crazy blue hair, to his mad scientist accent there was nothing at all boring about Prof Pumpy.

James was enthralled and took it upon himself to move seats to get closer to the action so he could try to catch the bright orange smoke rings that the Prof shot out of his homemade ‘cannon’. Stanley found the whole show hilarious, giggling his way through.We weren’t out of the woods yet, quite literally! Our next adventure was just around the corner.

TwistingSpace Giant Marble Run

Seeing is believing with this one, the giant marble run was suspended between the trees and was skillfully made from culled rhododendron. It was a beautiful thing to behold, an work of art in itself.

It was also a lot of fun too as the boys raced their marbles down the twisting tracks.

Aside from the main run, there was also a section with pieces that you could build yourself. Coming from a household full of wooden Brio train track, my boys loved creating their own mini marble run and we spent quite a bit of time here.Naturally, we did do a fair bit of hanging around watching the boys play but there was such a relaxed feel and the setting was stunning. It was lovely to just stand and breathe in the forest.

Next stop was the bar (hooray!!) and compared to other events the prices were reasonable and we hardly had to queue as there were bars situated in every general ‘area’ of the site. Once you’ve paid for your (reusable plastic) glass, it’s yours to keep which makes for a nice keepsake of the festival too.Finally, we made our way down the hill into Field notes and set up ‘base’ we sat and enjoyed the sun soaking up the atmosphere. The boys ran around the field and played on the hay bales with some other children. I just love how children make friends so easily.

One of the other boys told Stanley about a giant game of Guess Who, and as he and James came running over to tell us all about it we knew that our time relaxing was about to come to an abrupt halt! So, wagons roll we were off to Halcyon Days!

Beginner’s Luck

This was actually a huge amount of fun, we laughed A LOT!

Dreamt up and brought to life by the Wild Rumpus artistic team, expect to become a human meeple in a giant game of Ludo, crush your opponent in our enormous, ridiculous game of Guess Who and wrestle our gigantic Tiddlywinks into submission!

Watching two Dad’s bellow questions from either end of the Guess Who board…it was huge, they really did have to shout, bless them!..to be greeted with a huge chorus of YES or NO from all the kids who then charged around knocking the characters down was just hilarious and a bit bonkers!

It was fab, and everybody was in such high spirits too, they didn’t even mind too much when James got carried away and started randomly knocking the characters down between turns. It was fun and it was inclusive of all age groups. What a brilliant idea!

We also managed to catch Sweep of Swallows as they passed through. These giant yet graceful swallow puppets toured the site throughout the day.

Next was a much needed comfort break. Now, we all know festival toilets are the stuff of nightmares legend so this wasn’t something I was particularly looking forward to. Timber is a eco friendly festival so the toilets weren’t your standard portaloo’s. Outside each block was a container of straw with a handy sign that read ‘one scoop per poop’. I’m pleased to report that we are no longer compost toilet virgins…and it was nowhere near as bad as I was expecting! Phew!

Back over to Field Notes and we were set to experience my absolute highlight of the Festival…

Otto & The Mutapa Calling

Wow, these certainly made us get our groove on! Even now as I’m typing this 3 weeks later, I’m smiling at the memory.

Otto & The Mutapa Calling were full of energy and we just couldn’t help but dance along. They put on a great show with fab music and showed everyone how to get their bodies moving and shaking along.

James just loved this group and as some of the musicians turned dancers were dancing side to side in front of the stage James tried to copy them. It was so cute, he loves dancing and was very much enjoying himself.

We weren’t the only ones dancing though Otto & The Mutapa Calling in their brightly coloured shirts and headbands seemed to get the whole of Field Notes up onto their feet!

For the next couple of hours we just relaxed in the last of the sunshine, the boys played bubbles with their new friends and we enjoyed an ice-cream from one of the many vendors situated in The Common.

We also had fun rolling down the big hill from the Hollow Way lookout, yes I had a go too but thankfully there’s no photos of that!

Simon Watt’s Frogs & Friends

Frogs might be brilliant but, sadly, they are dying out. In a comedic lecture Simon Watt explores why frogs are better than people!

I found myself alone (Ben and the boys had gone for a stroll) as I gave Eli his bedtime bottle and cuddled him to sleep, sitting listening to Simon’s performance. It was both educational and funny, and I found myself chuckling along with the rest of the audience. It was something completely different and I was glad I got to experience it even if it was slightly unintentionally.

Once the gang came back we headed over to The Canopy via the Eyrie Stage. Esya was performing and we stopped to listen for a while. The stage is in such a beautiful setting that it really is something special. The lighting makes it almost look magical, Stanley described it as an elf house.

Once in The Canopy we settled in and awaited our final performance for the day. We knew it would be popular and got there a little while before it was due to start to grab a good spot.

The Baron in the Trees, Lost in Translation Circus

The Baron in the Trees is a playful, romantic fable set in the 18th century. In this surreal tale the 12 year old son of the Baron climbs a tree in protest at being forced to eat snails, vowing that his feet will never touch the ground again!

To be honest all that was lost on us, ironic given the name of the circus performing the show! HOWEVER, we thoroughly enjoyed the performance regardless. Stanley was completely spell bound watching the amazing acrobatics taking place in the tree tops above him.

We also witnessed high flying stunts, a human tower balancing act and plenty of juggling. There was also a tree top trapeze swing which Stanley said was amazing. After giving the circus a huge round of applause, the sky had started to darken so we decided to call it a day (reluctantly).

On route out of the site we were once again (too easily) distracted by giant bubble blowing in Halcyon Days and stopped to watch a while.

Our Final Say

As a final farewell we climbed up to Hollow Way Lookout for a second time to watch the sun set on what had been a truly memorable day.

Timber is such a treat, a completely chilled out festival suitable for everyone. It’s family friendly but also offers something for those wanting to learn about nature and conservation, enjoy some awesome live music, or simply relax and while away the weekend in a beautiful setting.I personally felt there was a real sense of community among the Timber parents, children made new friends, items of clothing and snacks were shared and at one point we had a little boy climb into our buggy for a nap while Eli was enjoying rolling around on our picnic blanket. I was also asked a couple of times whether I would like a drink fetching because I was trapped under a sleeping baby! Our only regret is that we just attended for one day, but I think you’ll agree we crammed a lot in. We have already put the date in the diary for next year, and we want to do the full weekend next time.

Book Your Tickets for Timber 2020

Tickets for Timber Festival 2020 are now on sale at timberfestival.org.uk. The award-winning festival (Best Festival in the UK 2018) returns to the beautiful 70 acre woodland of Fearnedock in the National Forest from 3-5 July 2020. A limited number of Early Bird tickets are now available to buy online, with a 25% discount on all tickets for residents of the National Forest.

Disclaimer: We attended Timber Festival as a press trip. Tickets were gifted in return for blog coverage, a review of the event and promotion across my social media channels.

All images are my own unless otherwise credited.

Five Go into the Woods: Timber Festival Review 2019 #PressTrip This weekend marks 3 weeks since we experienced the delights of Timber Festival and 3 weeks until we fully immerse ourselves in our next…

[ecotone99]

[HM] The Weekend Writing Retreat Story

I feel like I spend so much time alone these days, and I hate it. I‘m officially taking over my tiny publishing company in about four months, and I’m so worried that I’m gonna fuck everything up. Things with my family have just been all messy ever since my mom’s accident, and I miss when we were happy and got along better. I haven’t had a girlfriend in years, and these days I’ll get depressed for like two weeks if a chick I’m into doesn’t watch my fucking instagram story. And lastly, but probably most importantly, for some reason I’m just constantly convinced that nobody likes me. And that everyone makes fun of me behind my back. And that the entire world looks at me and just sees a giant creepy old ugly loser.

Soooo...yeah. Good times.

I didn’t know how to face my problems, you guys. But I thought maybe I could just run away and forget about them for a little while.

My best friend Mark owns this little cabin in the middle of the woods somewhere like three and a half hours away. I’d been up there twice already this summer, and I really wanted to go back. Mostly because I’d found that spending a weekend in the forest with nothing to do just seemed to leave me feeling super relaxed. Whereas spending a weekend in my apartment with nothing to do just seemed to leave me feeling super shitty.

So, about two weeks ago, I started texting Mark and some of our other friends to see if anyone wanted to go camping again for a few days. Unfortunately, Mark was gonna be too busy for a while so he wouldn’t be able to go, but he said any of us could use the cabin whenever. However, the other jerks in our group text also either couldn’t go, or they, ya know, just didn’t want to. So I tried inviting a few other people, but, after a couple of days, I still sadly just couldn’t find anyone to go with me.

So I figured I could either spend another weekend alone at home worrying about my problems, or I could just spend a weekend alone at this cabin worrying about not getting eaten by wolves. And one of those sounded slightly more fun than the other.

I felt pretty pathetic going camping all by myself, but I just figured I’d call it a ‘weekend writing retreat’. Ya know, just to make it sound more like being alone was my choice.

So, this past Friday, I got out of work, loaded up my car, and simply took off with the goal of just leaving all of my stress behind for the weekend.

Soon, I was heading down the open road with the sun shining above me. I had my windows all rolled down, my music cranked as loud as possible, a cup of coffee at my side, and a bag of sour patch kids in my lap.

And, just like that, it felt like this veil of darkness was being lifted off of me. It felt like every single one of my problems were just fading away.

Then, suddenly...

“BROOOOO, HOW THE FUCK ARE WE STILL NOT THERE YET?!?”

I turned to see my best friend, Diramio, who was now sitting in the passenger seat next to me.

“Dude, chill D, we’ll be there soon. Just like another hour or so,” I replied.

“FUCK THAT. I’M CRACKING A BEER.”

“Dude, no,” I responded. “Just wait until we get there, I’m not trying to get pulled over and thrown in jail tonight.”

“BRO, YOU LITERALLY HAVEN’T STOPPED SMOKING WEED THE ENTIRE DRIVE SO FAR.”

“Yeah, well, I mean, that is a solid point,” I said smiling. “But still, fuck you, dude. My car, my rules.”

“ARE YOU EVER AT LEAST GONNA PASS ME THAT SHIT?!”

I finished hitting my bowl and slowly exhaled. Then I just looked over at him.

“...no.”

He was just like, “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!” and grabbed it from me.

We both laughed as we continued heading down the road. I was so happy to have Diramio with me. I just liked that dude so much, ya know. Everyone’s always liked Diramio. He’s fucking hilarious and just fun as shit to be around.

The rest of the ride was just a nonstop back and forth of the two of us making each other laugh. And soon, before we even knew it, we were turning down the stone path to the cabin. We pulled up, hopped out of the car, and just took a deep breath of that fresh forest air. Diramio quickly began unloading our stuff, but I just chilled for a few moments to take it all in.

We were surrounded by trees on all sides that danced and swayed in the breeze. There were birds tweeting and butterflies fluttering around. The sun was just starting to set in the sky above us. It was all just so god damn beautiful, man. And, for just a second, it made me think of Jane. Because, well, I guess I just kinda associated her with beauty in my head. The way she smiled the last time we hung out momentarily flashed in my mind. And the thought of us one day being together just spun in my brain.

Then, suddenly...

“Beep beep beep.”

I turned to face the stone path leading to the cabin only to be greeted by a truck pulling up next to my car. The truck parked and out hopped my best friend Mark and his fiancée Erin.

“What’s up, jerks?” Mark said as he walked over towards me and D.

“Aww hey guys!!” I replied, immediately giving him and Erin each a giant hug. “I’m so stoked you’re here.”

“Yeah, well someone needs to make sure you don’t burn the place down this weekend,” Mark responded.

We all laughed and just continued unloading our cars and heading inside. I really was beyond happy Erin and Mark had arrived. I just loved them both so fucking much. And, even more than that, I loved how fucking much they loved each other. Like, they really were just perfect for one another. And the fact that they’d each found their perfect match; well, I don’t know, I guess it just gave me hope. Like, maybe one day I’d be just as lucky, ya know.

Soon, the four of us were unpacked and getting ready to have some dinner. As we sat down around the table together; I couldn’t help feeling like we were just this happy little family.

Then, suddenly...

The cabin door burst open. And in walked my best friend, Gabe, and his happy little family.

“Yoooooo!!!” Gabe shouted as him and his two sons, Gabe Jr and Dominic, came bustling inside. “What’s up with my boys?!”

We were all quickly on our feet, greeting Gabe and the kids with hugs and high fives. I was so stoked they’d gotten there. I loved Gabe and his kids so much. I was like genuinely good friends with both of his sons. The three of us would stay up countless nights playing Fortnite together or talking about Spider-Man and stuff. They’d always refer to me as their Uncle Ian, and I don’t know why but that just made me feel so cool.

The three of them got situated and then joined us at the table, and we all enjoyed a nice meal. By the time we finished and cleaned up, it had gotten pretty damn dark outside, so we decided to head out and start a fire. Mark put me in charge of tracking down some sticks for roasting marshmallows. And I was pretty excited, because I figured that, for once, I had a job that I could easily excel at. So, with the notion of easily excelling at a job in my head, I began looking around for some sticks.

Then, suddenly...

A pair of headlights came rolling down the stone path in front of us. And out hopped my best friend Jim.

“Hey guys, sorry I’m late. Got stuck finishing up this big project for work,” Jim said as he grabbed his backpack from his trunk and came walking up. “Good news though. I brought us a bunch of really expensive fancy liquor to get all fucked up on.”

“FUCK YEAH, JIMMY!!” Diramio shouted, clearly excited about our late-comer and his contributions.

I too was super excited to see Jim. He was the best, man. And of course he brought a bunch of expensive fancy liquor. He had an awesome job where he made a shitload of money, and yeah I mean the dude was just incredibly successful, ya know.

But, even better, he wasn’t alone!

Because Jim got out of the car.

Then, suddenly...

My best friend Rob hopped out too!

“Ayoooo!” he immediately yelled.

“Holy shit, Rob, is that really you?!” I shouted.

“You know it, buddy!”

I couldn’t believe Rob had actually come. Like, he never did anything. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s just, Rob usually just liked hanging out at home, playing video games alone and stuff. He wasn’t big on going out to bars or parties or shit like that. But I was so fucking stoked that we’d somehow gotten him to join us for the weekend.

So, soon, there we were, the whole crew, just sitting around the campfire together. We drank, and smoked, and ate marshmallows, and remembered old times, and told stories, and laughed, and just talked for hours. It was such an absolute blast.

I remember feeling like I just didn’t have a single care in the entire world.

Diramio was the first to call it a night. I don’t think he really planned on it, but he was crushing beers, went inside to pee, and just never came back out. We ended up finding him passed out on the couch.

Mark and Erin were next to turn in, and they aptly took the master bedroom. Gabe and his kids followed, and they took the guest room. Jim was next, and he took the air mattress in the family room. And that just left me and Rob out at the fire, and two empty cots up in the loft.

The fire was dying out as I finished my drink and turned to Rob.

“So what do you say, man? Ready to head inside and get some sleep,” I asked, as I struggled just slightly to get to my feet.

“No, you know what, you go ahead,” Rob replied. “I’m just gonna hang out here by the fire for a little longer.”

“What, dude, really? You’re just gonna sit out here alone?” I asked.

“Yeah. Why not? I like being alone,” Rob responded.

“Umm....alright, fuck it, whatever,” I said. “I’m taking the nicer cot. Night, bro.”

“Night, Ian.”

I went inside the cabin leaving Rob alone by the fire. Everyone else inside seemed to already be asleep, so I kept all the lights off and just did my best not to make any noise as I crept to the bathroom. I brushed me teeth, peed, and then made my way up the little wooden ladder to the loft. Then, I lied down on the nicer cot.

There was complete silence throughout the cabin, but I could still hear the trees blowing outside, as well as the faint crackling of the fire. I glanced over at the empty cot across from me. I couldn’t believe Rob had chosen to just sit outside alone like that. How could he like being alone?

For the first time since I’d left my apartment that afternoon, I started to remember my problems. And being alone was the very first one.

I felt like I spent all my time alone these days, and I hated it.

A sadness fell over me.

And a veil of darkness fell over the entire cabin.

Rob just sat outside, alone, staring at the fire. But then he heard a noise.

He turned around to face the forest behind him. There were just trees and darkness.

But then, again, he heard a noise.

“Hello?” he said sheepishly, “Is somebody there?”

He continued looking out into the woods, but he couldn’t see anything.

Then, suddenly...

He spotted a pair of blood red eyes staring back at him.

Then another.

And another.

Before Rob even had a chance to react; he was being attacked.

He tried to defend himself, but they just came at him from every direction.

He fought the best he could, but there was only so much he could do...against teeth and claws.

And so, only a few moments later, Rob’s lifeless, bloody body was just being dragged off into the darkness.

I woke up the next morning to the smell of fresh coffee coming from the kitchen. I slowly crawled to my feet and slid on my slippers. Then I stood up and went to head down the little wooden ladder from the loft. However, first, something caught my eye.

I glanced over at the cot across from mine. And Rob wasn’t in it. In fact, it looked very clearly like he hadn’t been in it at all the previous night.

Either way, I made my way down the little wooden ladder from the loft and couldn’t help but smile as I walked into the kitchen full of my loud dumb friends. Gabe and his kids were working on cooking eggs for everyone. Mark and Erin were doing the coffee and toasting up some bagels. Jim was sitting at the kitchen table typing away on his laptop. And Diramio was just, somehow, still passed out on the nearby couch.

“Yo IK, got coffee for you,” Mark said, handing me a cup.

“Dude, you fucking rule,” I responded.

I grabbed some milk from the fridge and walked over to the table.

“What are you working on, Jimmy?” I asked as I took a seat.

“Oh just catching up on some emails from clients,” he replied.

“You fucking nerd,” I responded.

“Hey Ian, what’s the deal with Rob?” Gabe asked. “Was he still asleep when you came down? He’s gonna miss breakfast.”

“Wait, what? He’s not down here?” I responded.

“No, didn’t he sleep in the loft with you?” Mark asked.

“Uhhh...I don’t think so. Like, he was still out at the fire when I went to bed, and the cot across from me didn’t really look slept on this morning.”

“Well, where the fuck is he?” Jim asked.

We all just looked at each other.

“Dude, don’t tell me he fucking slept outside,” I said.

Mark, Erin, Jim, and myself all went outside and walked over towards the fire pit. But there were no signs of Rob.

“Ummm, holy shit, you guys,” Erin said, starting to freak out a little. “Like, seriously, where the fuck is he?”

We all quickly began to grow quite frantic.

We started shouting his name. We went back through every room in the cabin. We checked our cars. There was just simply no trace of him anywhere. He was just gone.

By now, Gabe and his kids had abandoned making breakfast, and all of us just stood outside the cabin panicking. Diramio finally woke up and stumbled outside wondering why we were all being so fucking loud.

“Dude, Rob’s missing!!” I shouted.

“Oh man, is that all you guys are worried about?” Diramio replied groggily. “I thought you guys were saying we GOT robbed. I was praying they didn’t take the rest of that fancy expensive liquor.”

“Diramio, that’s not funny,” Erin replied.

“Guys, relax,” Diramio responded. “Rob probably just went to take a shit in the woods or something and got turned around. I’m sure he’s fine.”

“Bro, you get turned around in these woods, and you’re fucked. Like, he could be lost for days out there,” Mark replied.

“Well then,” Jim said, stepping up in front of us, “...we better go find him.”

“Dude, fuck that shit,” Diramio answered.

“Shut up, D,” Jim replied, “You’re coming with me, and we’re going north. Mark, you and Erin go south. Gabe, you and Gabe Jr. go east. And Ian, you take Dominic and go west. We’ll search for an hour and then meet back here. Everyone be careful. Don’t get lost. And, most importantly, find Rob.”

Jim taking charge worked and soon we were all heading out into the woods to find our missing friend.

Dominic and I followed along an old ATV path deep into the forest. We continued shouting Rob’s name as we hiked, but of course our calls went unanswered. We’d been walking for about a half hour or so when suddenly a bird flew out right in front of me, causing me to scream like a little girl. Dominic started dying laughing.

“Shut up, little dude, this is why I didn’t become a professional forest ranger,” I said.

“Yeah, you’re not a professional anything,” Dom responded still giggling.

“Hey, ya jerk, that’s not true. I run my own company. That’s gotta be worth something,” I replied defensively.

“No, you don’t,” Dom responded.

“Well...okay, no I don’t. But I’m second in command. And my boss is retiring at the end of the year, then I’m taking over. So, soon, I really will be in charge.”

“Uncle Ian, I can’t picture you in charge of anything,” Dom replied.

“Dude, shut up,” I answered. “Right now, I’m charge of you so stop being a little dick and let’s get back to trying to find our friend.”

“Fine,” Dominic said. “But I’m telling my dad you called me a dick.”

The two of us continued making our way through the woods searching for any trace of Rob. However, as we walked, stupid little Dominic’s words kept echoing in my head. He was right. Like, I shouldn’t even be in charge of my own life. How was I gonna be in charge of a company?

Once again, I was suddenly reminded of another problem I’d gone on this trip to escape. I’d be taking over this company soon, and I just legitimately had absolutely no idea what I was fucking doing. I was so nervous that I was gonna just end up completely out of business in less than a year. I’d always been a pretty shitty employee at every job I’d ever had. So I couldn’t help but imagine I’d be an even shittier boss. I wished I was a hard-working, ambitious, go-getter like Jim. But I knew I wasn’t. And I knew I never would be.

For the second time since I’d arrived at the cabin; an immense sadness washed over me.

And a veil of darkness fell over the entire forest.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the forest, Jim and Diramio had just found a clue.

“Diramio, does this look like blood to you?” Jim asked, as he pointed out a small spot of red on the trunk of a tree.

“I don’t fucking know, bro,” Diramio responded. “Can we just go back to the cabin? I need a drink.”

“Dude, Rob’s fucking lost in the woods and could be dead for all we know,” Jim replied. “How are you not taking this seriously?”

“I mean, I am, but I also just seriously need a drink.”

Suddenly, just then, the two friends heard a noise. Nothing big, but just a little rustling from a bush a few feet in front of them.

But then, there was another rustling. From a bush a few feet behind them.

Then one from their left.

Then one from their right.

Then, without warning...these huge fucking wolves emerged and began to surround them.

That’s right. Giant, hungry, scary-looking wolves.

They had bright red eyes, sharp claws, and massive teeth.

“Holy shit,” Jim whispered. “Diramio, don’t move. If they attack, our only shot at fighting them off is working together. You with me?”

There was silence.

“Diramio?” he said again.

Still, no answer.

Jim finally turned just in time to see the back of Diramio’s shirt as he was sprinting away.

“Diramio, you motherfu....”

Jim never even got that last word out before the terrifying beasts surrounding him pounced.

And, moments later, his lifeless, bloody body was just being dragged away into the forest.

Dominic and I returned to the cabin almost the same exact time as Gabe and Gabe Jr. Neither of our groups having found any hints at all as to an explanation for Rob’s disappearance. Mark and Erin got back soon afterwards, and they too had failed to find anything. The six of us just stood around fearing the worst. We decided if Diramio and Jim also returned empty-handed, then we’d just go to the police and hopefully they’d be able to help.

Time ticked by as we waited for Diramio and Jim to get back. We were just starting to get worried about them when suddenly we heard Diramio screaming off in the distance.

“FUCK...

THIS...

SHIT,

BRO!!”

He finally came bursting through the trees near the cabin, and, as soon as we saw him, we could all instantly tell something was seriously wrong.

Diramio ran right past all of us and straight inside.

We all looked at each other. And then we followed him.

As we walked in, Diramio was already over by the kitchen table, straight up pounding the bottle of fancy expensive liquor Jim had brought.

“Hey, uhhhh, D,” Mark said softly, “Where’s Jim?”

Diramio kept chugging from the bottle until it was completely empty. Then, he slammed it down on the table in front of us, took a deep breath, and simply said...

“Jim just got eaten by wolves, you guys.”

“No, seriously, where is he, Diramio?” Erin asked.

“BRO, SERIOUSLY, JIM JUST GOT FUCKING EATEN BY FUCKING WOLVES!!” Diramio shouted. “HUGE WOLVES WITH SCARY RED EYES. THEY SURROUNDED US OUT IN THE FOREST. I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO FIGHT THEM OFF, BUT JIM BEGGED ME TO RUN AWAY AND SAVE MYSELF.”

“Dude, Diramio, stop fucking around, man. Enough is enough,” Mark said, beginning to sorta lose his cool.

“Guys, for real, I’m not fucking around. Jim just got eaten by wolves. I’d be willing to bet Rob did too. We gotta get the fuck out of these woods, right now,” Diramio said, with a stark sternness to his voice none of us had ever heard him use before.

As crazy as it sounded, we figured maybe Diramio was actually telling the truth. But, either way, now TWO of our friends were apparently missing. So it was definitely time to leave the woods and go to the cops. We all began packing up our stuff and getting ready to head into the closest town.

However, Erin walked outside to load up Mark’s truck, and a split second later, we all heard a terrifying scream. We rushed out front and quickly saw that Erin had a made a gruesome discovery. The tires on all of our cars had been slashed. Well, more than slashed really. They were all completely shredded. It almost looked as though they’d been...clawed.

“Yo, you motherfuckers believe me now?” Diramio yelled. “The fucking wolves did this!”

Now, none of us knew what to think. We all just ran back into the cabin to regroup.

“Listen, guys,” Gabe said, “wolves or no wolves, something fucked up is clearly going on right now. And I gotta get my kids out of here safely. I’m their dad. They’re my family. I have to protect them.”

“Wait,” Mark shouted. “I have my four-wheeler outback. You and the kids can take that to get to the nearest town and then send help.”

We all ran outback and were relieved to find the ATV’s tires were still in good shape.

Gabe, Gabe Jr., and Dominic all climbed on board.

“Stay on the trails, and you should be fine,” Mark said. “You’ll hit a pretty major road in about fifteen miles. And if you follow that, you should eventually reach the town.”

“Don’t worry, I got this,” Gabe said. “You guys just stay safe. We’ll send help as soon as we can.”

With that, Gabe and the kids took off on the ATV, leaving behind just Mark, Erin, Diramio, and myself.

“Yo, I don’t understand why they get to leave, but we’re stuck here,” Diramio said, as the four of us began walking back into the cabin. “I mean, I like Gabe’s kids, but I also kinda like not getting eaten by fucking wolves.”

We all kinda nervously chuckled as we headed inside. However, I was a few steps behind the others, and I just kinda stopped in the doorway for a moment. I turned and looked back at the dust trail Gabe had left behind. I prayed that him and his kids would be alright. I thought it was so impressive that he’d stepped up to protect his family like that. I thought about my family. I already knew we’d never do anything like that for each other.

And just like that, another problem returned to my mind. Things with my family were just so messy. My mom had been the glue that held us all together, ya know. So, ever since her accident, it just seemed like we’d all been coming apart. I felt like my brother hated me. I felt like every conversation I had with my dad would eventually just turn into an argument. I felt like I wasn’t helping my sister enough as she struggled to take care of everyone. I just missed when we used to be a happy little family. Like Gabe and his kids.

Once again, sadness filled my heart.

And, once again, darkness filled the woods.

Gabe and his kids were flying down the narrow trail. He figured they’d probably already gone at least a dozen miles and should be hitting the main road soon. Gabe Jr and Dominic clung on tightly to their dad’s back as they sped along.

Suddenly, Dominic spotted a dark blur moving quickly through the wilderness on their right side. Then, Gabe Jr. noticed the same thing on their left. They quickly began trying to get their father’s attention over the loudness of the four-wheeler.

It soon worked, and Gabe turned around, only to immediately see multiple giant fucking wolves chasing right behind them on the trail, as well as along both sides of them. He cranked down on the gas in an attempt to get away, but it was no use. They stayed right there with him. Finally, one came running up from the side, causing Gabe to swerve in the other direction. He lost control and the four-wheeler careened off the trail and right into a tree. Gabe and his kids were all sent flying. Then, dozens upon dozens of hungry terrifying wolves just quickly descended upon all three of them.

And, sure enough, soon, their lifeless, bloody bodies were just being dragged away into the woods.

The sun was just beginning to set in the sky outside the cabin. Inside, the four of us were just doing our best to keep our shit together. By now, it had been at least a few hours since Gabe had left, and we still hadn’t heard anything from him or the help he was supposed to send. The shitty tv in the family room only got a handful of channels, but we’d managed to find one playing a marathon of old Home Improvement episodes. So, we all just sat there quietly, watching Tim the Toolman Taylor.

But, eventually, Diramio broke the silence.

“Dude, this is so fucked up. Gabe and his kids should’ve reached that town hours ago and sent help. I bet they got eaten by wolves.”

“Diramio, shut up, don’t say that,” I replied. “Even just joking around about Gabe’s kids dying seems super messed up....”

“Fuck that, I’m not even joking,” he replied. “I bet they got eaten by wolves, and I bet soon we will be too.”

“D, relax,” Mark said. “We’re not gonna be eaten by wolves. Help will come.”

“Yeah, but what are we gonna do if it doesn’t,” Diramio responded.

Mark tried to reply, but he didn’t really have an answer.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Diramio said. “You don’t know what we’re gonna do. But I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do...I’m gonna get super fucked up.”

And with that Diramio stood up and walked out of the family room.

After he left, Erin turned to Mark and said, “Babe, for real, what are we gonna do if help doesn’t come?”

“Hey, don’t worry,” Mark said, putting his arm around his fiancée. “Help will come. And until it gets here, I’m not gonna let anything happen to us.”

“Promise?” Erin asked.

“I promise,” Mark said. “Plus, babe, this cabin’s made out of bricks. So even if there are big bad wolves out there; going by three little pig logic we should be safe.”

Erin laughed.

“I love you, Mark.”

“I love you too.”

As I witnessed this conversation between my soon to be married friends, I couldn’t help but to feel a tiny bit of jealousy. Well, actually, I felt a shitload of jealousy. I wished I had someone who loved me.

I wished Jane loved me.

Once again, a problem I’d managed to momentarily forget rushed back into my head. I don’t know why I fucking liked Jane so much, you guys. Like, seriously. I know she’s never going to want to fucking be with me. But I just can’t help it. No other girl makes me feel the way she does. Bro, this shit isn’t fucking fair. I just wish for once a girl I was into was actually into me back, man. How come that never fucking happens for me?!? Like, what the fuck is so wrong with me, you guys?!?!?

The sadness hit me this time like a punch to the face.

The darkness surrounded the cabin like a flash flood.

Then, suddenly...

CRASH!!! CRASH!!! CRASH!!! CRASH!!!

Wolves violently burst in through every single window of the cabin.

“Holy Fucking Shit!” Mark screamed. “The pig story never mentioned windows!!”

The wolves lunged for Erin, but Mark dove in front to protect her. There were just too many wolves though. They quickly tore right through Mark.

“Ian, help!!” Erin screamed.

But there was nothing I could do. Wolves just continued flooding in through the windows, and I had no way of getting to her before they did.

“Erinnnn!!!!” I shouted as I watched them viciously bite into her.

“YO MOTHERFUCKER, WE GOTTA MOVE!!”

Before I knew what was happening, Diramio was yanking me out of the family room, which was now completely overrun by wolves. We quickly ran through the cabin as more and more of the monstrous beasts came bursting through every window and doorway.

“QUICK, GET UP THE LITTLE WOODEN LADDER TO THE LOFT!” Diramio shouted as the two of us dashed past more of the ferocious killers.

We reached the little wooden ladder and quickly climbed up just before they got to us.

Diramio and I looked down from the loft at what appeared to be at least a hundred terrifying wolves staring back up at us with their big red eyes and giant teeth.

“IAN, BRO, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GONNA DO?!?” Diramio shouted. “I DON’T WANNA GET EATEN BY WOLVES!! I DON’T WANNA FUCKING DIE, DUDE!!”

Unfortunately, hearing Diramio say that he didn’t want to die...once again caused immense sadness to wash over my body.

And a veil of darkness to cover my entire world.

Because, just like that, my last and largest problem suddenly popped back into my head.

“Well, of course YOU don’t want to die, Diramio,” I quietly said. “Why would you? People actually like you.”

“Wait? What?” Diramio responded. “The fuck’s that supposed to mean.”

“Nothing, man. It doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Bro, I’m here, you might as well talk to me.”

“Dude,” I responded, “that’s the problem...you’re not actually here. You’ve never actually been here. Nobody ever was. I literally couldn’t find a single fucking person to go camping with me this weekend. So I just had to go alone. Because nobody fucking likes me, man. Everyone says their my friend. Everyone says they care about me. But nobody ever wants to spend time with me. Nobody ever wants to hang out. Nobody ever wants to do anything.”

As I spoke, the wolves below began growing more restless and aggressive. They soon started figuring out how to inch their way up the little wooden ladder to the loft. And the sadder I got, the higher they climbed.

“Ian, dude, you need to stop,” Diramio said, noticing the beasts getting closer and closer. “Like, I know I’m not really here, but I still don’t wanna get eaten by a fucking wolf, bro.”

“Diramio, I don’t want to hate being alone. I don’t want to worry about work or miss how my family used to be. I don’t wanna get depressed over girls. And I don’t wanna feel like nobody likes me. But I can’t help it, man. I thought by coming up here for the weekend I could escape my problems, but it didn’t work. They followed me. And now they’re gonna get us.”

“Bro, you just need to face your problems head on instead of trying to run away from them,” Diramio shouted, as the wolves were now only inches away from reaching us.

“Dude, I don’t know how to face my problems!!” I yelled back.

“YES YOU DO, IAN,” Diramio screamed. “YOU ALWAYS HAVE.”

The wolves finally made it to the top of the little wooden ladder and went to pounce.

“Howwww, Diramio, just tell me!” I screamed at the last moment.

“Well you called this a weekend writing retreat, right bro?” Diramio said, as the wolves closed in around him.

“Maybe you should try fucking writing...”

And with that, the wolves attacked Diramio.

“NOOOOO!!!” I screamed.

But it was too late.

They quickly began dragging him back down the little wooden ladder.

However, what he had just said struck me.

Like, I HAD called this a weekend writing retreat.

And, well, maybe that was the secret here, man.

Maybe, instead of using this weekend to try to escape my problems, I could literally do the exact opposite, and use it to face them.

I could deal with my problems the same way I just dealt with everything: by writing a fucking weird ass story about them.

And I knew writing about my problems wouldn’t actually solve them, you guys.

But it wouldn’t be running away from them either.

And I was never going to be able to run away from my problems.

They were always gonna be there.

Hunting me down.

Chasing me.

Just biting and scratching at me.

Like fucking wolves.

I looked down at the hundreds of beasts mauling Diramio below me.

I still wasn’t convinced writing a story about my problems would actually help. But there was one thing I was absolutely certain of.

And that’s that, if I did write a story about my problems...

I wasn’t gonna let it fucking end like this.

Because, as much I was convinced that nobody liked me, deep down, I knew that there was at least one person who did.

And I wasn’t about to let him get eaten by fucking wolves.

I stood up, took a deep breath, and just shouted, “Hold on, Diramio! I’m coming!”

And with that, I dove over the edge of the loft and into giant mess of murderous creatures below.

As soon as I landed, I just started punching and kicking and head-butting every fucking wolf around me. Somehow I managed to knock away the ones dragging Diramio, and I was fucking delighted to discover he wasn’t quite dead yet.

“HOLY FUCK, BRO!! I THOUGHT I WAS DONEZO!!” he shouted, as he climbed to his feet and joined me in fighting the onslaught of wolves coming at us.

“Nah, fuck that shit, D,” I replied. “It’s time to face this shit head-on.”

The two of us went back to back as the wolves continued attacking us.

“IAN, YOU NEED TO REALIZE,” Diramio yelled, as we both kept struggling to fight off the frenzied animals. “PEOPLE DO LIKE YOU, MAN. FUCKING EVERYONE LIKES YOU. PEOPLE DON’T LAUGH AT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK. WHEN YOUR NAME COMES UP, PEOPLE USUALLY JUST SAY SHIT LIKE, OH I KNOW IAN KINNEY. I LIKE HIM.”

After Diramio shouted that, somehow, someway, a giant sword appeared in his hands. And so he just quickly began using it fight off the wolves.

Then, suddenly...

Mark and Erin came bursting through the back door of the cabin.

“Ian, trust us,” Mark said. “One day you will find love, dude. I know it’s hard sometimes, but if it was easy, it wouldn’t be worth it.”

“You just have to keep being yourself, Ian,” Erin added. “You’re an awesome guy. And maybe this Jane doesn’t realize that. But the next one will. I promise.”

As soon as Mark and Erin finished talking, they both whipped out machine guns and started blasting the shit out of wolves.

Then, suddenly...

The front door burst open and in ran Gabe and his kids.

“Bro, nobody’s family is perfect,” Gabe shouted. “But the fact that you care so much shows how much you love them. And that’s what really matters, man.”

“Plus, I know you think we’re a happy little family,” Gabe Jr. added. “But we wouldn’t be without you.”

“Yeah,” Dominic said. “You’re our Uncle Ian.”

Once again, as soon as my friends stopped talking, they pulled out weapons and joined the battle against the wolves. Gabe had a little tiny slingshot and his sons both had giant grenade launchers.

“Wait, dude, hold on,” Gabe said, “How come I only get...”

Then, suddenly...

Jim came bursting through the ceiling and landed right in the middle of the fight.

“Ian, dude, don’t worry about work, bro,” Jim quickly shouted. “Like, for real, in the last ten years, you went from dreaming about being a writer to now running your own publishing company. You’re gonna be fine. I just can’t wait to see how much higher you rise, man.”

Jim finished his quick speech, pulled out a chainsaw, and then just started massacring wolves with the rest of us.

Then, finally...

The floor of the cabin broke open and out crawled Rob.

“Ian, you’re not alone,” he said. “You never have been. You never will be. Almost everyone in the cabin has had your back for literally over thirty years now. We’re not fucking going anywhere, dude. We’re always gonna be here for you. Even if it’s just to help you fight imaginary wolves in an incredibly weird fucking story.”

And with that, Rob whipped out the golden gun from Goldeneye 64 and joined the brawl.

So, there we were, the whole crew, just fighting wolves together.

And, eventually, after a long and bloody battle; we won.

We didn’t actually kill all of the wolves. Most of them just ran away. So I knew they’d be back in time.

But, I also knew, when they did return, I wasn’t going to try to escape or run away from them.

I was just going to deal with them.

The only way I knew how.

I hope you liked this weird ass story, you guys.

It will not be my last.

THE END

submitted by /u/IanTheWriter [link] [comments] via Blogger https://ift.tt/3av4Dw2

[captainignatiuspigheart]

Ah, February, My Old Nemesis

Alright, that’s a bit melodramatic… I’ve perked up considerably and the prospect of February brings me neither fear nor hope. It’s been a very quiet week, or at least… I think it has. I’ve spent much of today in a courtroom in our dress rehearsal for Light Night: The Glowstick Trials on Friday at the National Justice Museum (you should come along, especially if you have kids – get em judged by strangers!), and I feel a little perplexed about what I might actually have done this week. Let’s see… Ah, I have it. I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time doing minute photoediting at work this week, and I think it’s turned my brain inside out. Don’t get me wrong, I really love learning more about Photoshop (since I use it every day for book design and layout at Aconyte Books, and for doing a similarly wide range of graphics stuff for MissImp, I’d better learn to love it), but I’ve been kinda embedded in the same task, and can no longer perceive the colour blue. Ho hum.

Reading: Between Books

I’ve foolishly ended up reading a pair of books alternately. It wasn’t intentional, but rather situational. I am very fond of my Kindle – it’s amazing to read a book with one hand while brushing my teeth or wandering around the house, so it’s an automatic go-to. On the other hand (or both hands, I guess), I love to read real books with the paper-fondling and all that. So I’ve ended up on two. I’ll not review them before finishing them (that would be daft).

First up, Adam Roberts’ Splinter, which is a curiously Jules Verney adventure about a chap whose dad predicts the end of the world, and turns out to be correct (probably), leaving he, his father and a bunch of believers (in his father) are stuck together on a little chunk of Earth. It’s odd, and I’m struggling to drag myself back it a bit. On the plus side, it’s got this gorgeous cover by Darius Hinks (whose splendid fantasy novel The Ingenious we published back at Angry Robot. He’s a very fine chap too).

Second, I’m back in the Malazan world with Ian C Esslemont’s Return of the Crimson Guard. Kinda digging it. Also noticing more differences from Steven Erikson’s storytelling: there are far fewer “thus”es.

Doing: Lego

I’m at an awkward point in Lego building. I’ve failed to build anything for myself (as in, not as dictated by the instructions in an official Lego set) since my Wizard of Oz at the beginning of last year. That’s a combination of having very little time (mostly due to doing far too much admin for MissImp), and having relatively little space to get all the boxes out for rootling through them. I’ve managed to have a few breakdown and sorting periods which I find very relaxing, but I’ve not felt the necessary inspiration for building. Trying to build and getting nowhere is really grim. Last week I pulled a couple of boxes out and made some intricate and horrifically fragile gold gates, but didn’t know what to do with it.

But yesterday I had the day entirely to myself and after getting a few things done, I got everything out! Ah, six hours crosslegged on the floor leaves a chap utterly unable to stand, but it was totally worth it. I’ve expanded the gate, framed it and started building a structure around it. The tiled floor is very pleasing (I got loads of those quarter circle coral pink tiles from Leicester Square Lego Shop last year). The long hexagonal shape is putting enormous stress on some of the bricks, but I’m pretty chuffed with it. I suspect I’ve over-greebled the walls and will need to tone it right back down, but overally I feel deeply happy about the whole thing. It’s raised up so I can build some terrain and foliage around it when I’ve got some idea what’s going at the back. Some kind of tower…? It’s actually a little further along than these pictures show – check out Instagram for more continuous updates!

Gates!

Flooring!

Acquiring: The Dinosaur Films of Ray Harryhausen by Roy P Webber

I’m rarely able to help myself when it comes to Harryhausen stuff. The man was a fantastic artist, animator and all-round nice fellow. This one’s been on my list for a while, and I’ve finally added it to the stack. Unlike the recent (fantastic) Titan tomes on the Hollywood special effects genius, this one is all black and white and a lot more text and commentary. Accordingly, it’s going to take me a lot longer to get into and through, but I’m delighted to have acquired it.

  Acquiring: Fake Lego Mandalorian

Disney’s super-secret hiding of the baby Yoda spoiler in The Mandalorian was an absolute delight but it has left us with fuck all vital Baby Yoda merchandise! The AT-ST from that brilliant shrimp-harvesting episode (I’m trying to avoid spoilers) is the only real Lego set currently available, so I was utterly at the mercy of knock-off merchants on eBay. The Mandalorian himself has a rather cack helmet print, but the body and armour printing is great, and the overall quality of the parts ain’t bad. Baby Yoda filled my heart with joy though. Shame he’s got a slight nick out of his green face paint (revealing the generic pink below). I’m quite pleased. The Mandalorian is a fantastic show, by the way, the perfect space Western that Star Wars is supposed to be and you should watch it. I’m on my third re-watch now…

Watching: Titans

Ah, this is what I’ve been doing this week… I watched both of these shows last year, but damned if I could recall a single salient story sliver. Titans season 2 popped up on Netflix, and that seemed like a fine opportunity to dive back into season 1 with Marilyn. It’s really fun! I’ve got no idea who any of the characters are (save Robin and Wonder Girl). I feel this a a DC thing – other than Batman and his usual coterie of villains, I’ve never taken to and absorbed a general sense of the DC heroes and villains. The parlous state of their movie universe pretty much guarantees my feelings will stay this way. The show picks up a very violent Robin and a couple of his street-scrapping chums to protect a young girl who appears in dire need of exorcism. They team up with a guy who turns into a green tiger and a spectacular woman who can channel the energy of the sun into burning stuff. It’s proper comics far – somewhat perplexing about why anything’s happening, but it’s all done with a pleasingly gritty tone without too much winking or spandex. The fights are pleasingly violent too – it’s no fun being twatted with a staff, and Titans does not pull those punches. The effects are a bit poor occasionally, but it doesn’t really detract much.

Watching: Star Trek: Discovery

ST: Disco was a delight last year, and caning through it again while playing with Lego and every other activity is proving equally satisfying. I like Discovery because it’s got plenty of mental episodic drama, fun characters and splendid special effects. It’s really all I want from Star Trek. Like DS9 it’s got a strong narrative arc which pleases me, and the cast is pitch perfect (Michelle Yeoh, goddamn). As with all the prequel storylines, I end up completely forgetting that this much better looking, higher tech world with cooler uniforms is actually set way before the hilarious jumpsuits of Next Generation. Great fun, and I’m looking forward to its return with season 3.

Last Week, Sunday 2 February 2020 - lots of TV (Titans and ST: Disco), Lego funtimes (real and fake) and some bookish bits. #reading #lego #harryhausen #glowsticktrials #babyyoda Ah, February, My Old Nemesis Alright, that’s a bit melodramatic... I’ve perked up considerably and the prospect of February brings me neither fear nor hope.