#id.milkclub

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON CHERRY BOMB!’S MAIN DANCE GUN MONA...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 19 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 14 COMPANY: MSG SECONDARY SKILL: Modeling (cf)

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): Momo, Moe, Mong (몽), 징징 INSPIRATION: As a child, she’d perform for her father, her brother, and eventually her small town community and found a lot of joy in entertaining them and making them laugh. She’s always loved performing and singing, but hadn’t really thought about doing it for a profession, despite being musically inclined. A young fan of the first-generation K-pop groups like S.E.S and Fin.K.L., she was persuaded to perform on K-pop Star just to see if she liked performing, and found it exhilarating. Hasn’t looked back since. SPECIAL TALENTS:

No-laughing challenge master

Notoriously bad at tongue twisters

Has a whistle register

NOTABLE FACTS:

Very active on her personal and the groups’ SNS and interacts a lot with fans of both the group and herself personally

When she was a K-pop Star contestant, she notably performed ‘U Go Girl’ and impressed the judges with her energy (and cuteness)

Is “jokingly” known to be a huge party girl, idol friends and celebrities she’s familiar with say she has an “iron stomach” when it comes to soju

Known for her funny expressions that can’t hide how she feels - most often it’s her resting bitch face or an unamused one, but also some wacky ones

Crochets little stuffed animals as a hobby

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

Right now, she’s looking to solidify her position as a “CF queen” — wants brands to look at her as someone that’s popular with general public and that, frankly, they’ll shell out big bucks to exclusively sign as their brand model. She also wants to venture into another field or two to supplement the wave of popularity she’s been lucky to experience thus far: an acting stint, perhaps, or maybe variety where historically she’s been a little bit more successful and more comfortable with. More for herself than for her career, she’s been keen on becoming serious as a performing artist, and is looking into music production in her spare time.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

As her relevance (also known as: time frame) as an idol fades, Mona would want to try to go solo, since her love for her craft is a life-long one, but is more than ready to complement a solo career with recognition for the other talent she’s currently deciding between. She’d like to transition her “image” as that charming, relatable girl-next-door look into someone more womanly and self-assured. Someone authentic. In a more career-oriented sense, she wants to achieve the ability to pick and choose the brands that she models for and still receive hefty contracts, in the vein of Won Bin’s star power. Overall, she’d like to shed the ‘idol’ image and turn into that of an ‘artist’ - someone well-respected in the public eye that carries life-long relevance.

IDOL IMAGE

It’s an undeniable truth to say that there is a first impression of her, and that it is always, without fail, this: she’s pretty. Remarkably pretty, in a plain, malleable sort of way. Not too sharp that she cuts, alienates — just soft enough to mould into whatever you want her to be. Most people don’t care for much else besides the first look, so it’s perfectly fine that she’ll be the pretty one, memorable if only fleetingly. It works, anyway — the relatability of her features, parts of it (of her) desirable and the other parts identifiable, make her an easy pick-up for brands to plaster on their products. Girl-next-door with wisps of maturity, of a sex appeal her members don’t quite possess. The kind of soft girl that the public loves to rest between their teeth. Palatable — just so.

You don’t have to be much more than a pretty face and a good dancer, they’ve told her in the past. Don’t stray from your design, is what they mean.

Don’t be you. There’s nothing appealing about it.

She tries. Walks the tightrope between the image of her and the girl inside — tries to dull a blunt tongue, smooth a passionate expression, tame the soft cruelty that makes up her marrow. Spends years running back and forth between wanting and having. Should haves and could haves. There’s the artist she wants to be, the truth that wants to will itself into existence; then there’s the girl that’ll actually succeed — merely pretty, with hidden laughs and closed smiles, speaking well but not too much, both seductive and restrained. So consumed by the thought of others that she tries to smooth herself out until there’s nothing left of her, manufactured out of her system.

She’s told, time and again, that her beauty is the only thing that matters — and, to be frank, she’s tired of it. Tired of being told. So she resolves to take it — their power, her weakness — into her own hands, tilt the scales in her favor. Manifest destiny, or some bullshit like that.

The public eats it up.

The newfound authenticity to her — the poignant way she expresses a confidence she’s found that she’s had, how she isn’t afraid to be desirable, how she pushes the boundary of acceptably self-loving is not so off-putting as it is intriguing. Everybody loves to hate on a woman in control, except with the way she carries herself, haughty but not in-your-face, there’s less to hate and more to admire. It helps that she’s older now, less tied to a youthful, innocent image and settling into the confident niche of her group like she was always meant to be there. Girl-next-door that’s matured into a woman — still pretty, still relatable, but with a voice that’s truly her own. Fears nothing: not the hurtful comments, lustful gazes — doesn’t mind being the sophisticated ‘sex bomb’ she’s grown to be one minute, all-natural the next, an everyday adult woman.

It’s appealing, she supposes, to see a girl grow up. Become more assertive, fill into her skin (or shed the layers that were well past due). Not trying to appease, not blinded by the limelight. At a time when she’s finally happy with herself, everyone seems to be happy with her too. With a tacit blessing, she’s let herself be unafraid to be her, for now.

Just don’t stray out of line, they whisper.

(I don’t care, she wants to say back.)

IDOL HISTORY

In the summer of 1999, she leaves.

.

It doesn’t take Mona very long to realize that her mother isn’t coming back. What with the way her father sits on the side of the bed that used to be hers, head in his palms, back poised for a knife that isn’t there, but it feels like he’s bleeding anyway. She stops questioning him soon after that — too scared, perhaps, of the consequences. One parent’s gone, no need for another to disappear too.

Home isn’t ever the same afterwards. Going from four to barely three leaves a big gaping hole in the fabric, seams loose and aching. Dinners, for example, are sombre affairs, heavy with the knowledge of the empty chair at the table. Weekends, too, are quiet — where her mother used to sing, silence makes itself heard, a loud ringing in the ears. The sound of loss is deafening, they all find out in time.

She tries to pretend that it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.

(It’s not, of course. Six year old fingers aren’t meant to hold up the spines of men — their wilting, their hollowness. No wonder she doesn’t grow up proper; no wonder that there ends up being something wrong.)

There are days when her father cannot look at her. She has her mother’s eyes.

.

Sunday in July. S.E.S. and sunlight waft through old speakers and cracks in the curtains respectively. Like calm before a storm.

Mona can’t help but sing along when the chorus comes on, all light tone and childish chipper. She realizes — there’s been no singing since she left. Since she took the singing with her. Stops short when father’s wiry figure hovers at the doorway, quiet as always. Time won’t heal his wounds, but it has allowed him to forget as a reprieve. Until now.

“I didn’t —“

“Keep singing, Mona,” he says. She doesn’t think she’s ever seen such a smile — so sad, but so happy at once. “It’s beautiful.”

So she does.

.

The moment she steps onto the shining, fluorescent-washed stage is the time she realizes: it’s different. Not at all like sinking her feet into the sofa of her living room, moving like clockwork to her father’s favorite songs, singing along. Nor is it like standing on the rickety wooden floor of her local community center, performing for the people she’s grown up around, who would love her no matter what she’d do.

This is Seoul, with all of its steel and its glamour and a cruelty that leaves fourteen year old her starstruck. This is the tipping point.

After all is said and done, she doesn’t get very far. Pretty, and a vibrant performer, but too rough, too unpolished to win a competition of the best. She’s not even sure the praise they’d given her was real — everything about it had seemed so manufactured. Machinery running through their motions. Leaves her feeling like she had less than she had started with; and she wants more.

Someone slips her a small white card before she leaves the building. You’ve got potential, they’d said. Audition.

Weeks pass and the details imprints themselves into the back of her brain: rudimentary black symbols that bely the possibility of fame, of fortune, of a life greater than her small town all in the sharp cuts of their lines. Curiosity has always been her vice, thorns strangling tighter until she has to find out what’s on the other side.

The tension, her wanting: both palpable. Her little town on the outskirts of Daegu cannot contain it. Everything’s tasteless, everything’s sober. It’s painfully obvious that she wants this. Wants more. Her mother, she recalls, had felt the same way. The parallels scare her. Her mother’s eyes. Her mother’s voice. Her mother’s self-regard. Hers, now, too.

She hates the look in her father’s eyes when she says she’s going to Seoul. Hates it even more when she forgets how he looked when she gets accepted by MSG entertainment, to begin her training as soon as possible.

When she packs her bags and says goodbye, she leaves him slumped in the dining chair she’d made her own for years.

Three becomes two. Feels like there’s nothing left of family anymore.

.

Trainee life is cyclical. Breathe in, breathe out: dance, sing, weigh, repeat. She wonders: why did they let her through when all they seem to want is to strip her gone? They lash her tongue to strip the satoori from her vocabulary; starve away the parts of her that make her her — her bold tongue, her small-town naivety, her childish innocence. Scrub the poverty from her until she’s wiped clean. You’re not here to be you, they tell her in between lines. You’re here to be a god.

Giving her best becomes harder when there’s nothing left to give, so she starts giving pieces of herself in its place. She wants this, she wants this, she wants this. Guilt propels her — her father, all the way back in Daegu, sitting with his head in his palms like she’d left him, just like her mother had before her. All the way here and she hears his howling (or maybe now it’s coming from her).

Torn between this choice: the her of before, and the her that could be.

She chooses the latter. Too many bridges burnt now to go back, she thinks. See the selfish through.

.

Idol life is an open door leading straight into hell.

She’s always so tired. Always so lost. She’d thought wrong: had been mistaken that they’d finally let her be when she debuted. Their hands go deeper now — not ghosting along the lines of her, but into her, become her ribcage and her spine and her mouth. Dissonance, it’s termed: her between closed doors, witching hour in her bedroom, and her in front of the camera. Does her father recognize her? Does she?

Pretty, they tack onto her shoulders. Pretty and docile. Perhaps it’s because she’s become awkward — lost her confidence as she’s risen to the top — but when they tell her keep quiet, she listens. Strange, feeling faceless when the only thing she’s known for is her face. It frustrates her, going through the motions, known foremost for the outside of her, a part of her that’s been an afterthought; then, just barely, how well she dances, how her body moves. Nothing about her — her love for music, her craft, or how funny she can be, or how much she wants to just be.

When she left her family, when she chose herself over others, she didn’t think she’d lose them both.

One day, her father calls. Asks why she sounds so sad. Because I left you, she says. Because I was selfish. And all for nothing — now I can’t even sing how I want, or act how I want, or be how I want. Are you proud of me? Do you hate me for leaving you behind?

Keep singing, Mona, he says. It’s beautiful.

(Be you, Mona. You’re beautiful.)

So she does.

.

Maybe her wounds will heal — maybe, quite possibly, they won’t. But inevitably, she’ll forget them once in a while. Slowly, she learns to let herself go — that is, the idea she has of herself go. It’s no good trying to be someone she’s not; she’s no actress, not at all suited to playing a part. They’d told her it would be her downfall, being herself,  being real. She intends to make it her strength.

It starts off slow, the slippage. A strut down the walkway, a haughty gaze at the camera, a flash of skin here and there. Candid in her interviews, still reserved, but more at ease than ever. Yeah, she’s watched adult films; yeah, she can hold her soju; yeah, she’ll talk about how she had loved a boy and lost him. The more she lets loose, the more comfort she feels — the most comfortable she’s felt in her own skin in years.

In the end, they’re intrigued by this new girl in front of them — the rawness, the realness, the subtle haughtiness. Who is this new Mona? They ask.

She’s always been this Mona, she says, smile on her face — open-mouth, teeth shining and everything.

For the first time, she feels centred. Feels alive.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON INDIGO’S MAIN VOCAL PARK RUWON...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 26 DEBUT AGE: 21 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 19 COMPANY: MSG SECONDARY SKILL: Musical acting

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): wonnie, vitamin d ( explained away as a revitalizing stand in for sunshine on variety, he cringes too ) INSPIRATION: a desire to soothe the souls of people the same way his favorite singers did growing up ( or so says his profile. it’s somewhat true, though his inspiration for why he became an idol singer in the first place was simply because he was unsure of his chances of making it in his originally desired career choice ). SPECIAL TALENTS:

can sing high enough to crack glass ( or so says his profile. he actually can’t, but he’ll try it out on variety and get into fake arguments with mcs about how they need to get their eyes checked when they inspect it after the fact and say he’s lying ).

killing point dances ( or so says his profile. he’s not the worst dancer in the entire world, but he is terrible at picking up and remembering choreography. he’ll usually recycle the same three dance moves while adamantly insisting he’s doing it perfectly, and that everyone still needs to get their eyes checked ).

can perfectly imitate any animal on cue ( or so says his profile. he does an alright pigeon and dog, and anything that’s technically silent. beyond that and it’s a bit of a stretch. when desperate, he’ll start insisting that motor vehicles also count, and that everyone needs to get their ears checked ).

NOTABLE FACTS:

was scouted at one of his university’s musical performances when he was in his first year. musical theater was his major.

he took a deferment from school but finished his degree between the years 2014-2016 when indigo was struggling and given smaller promotions as a result.

has become known as a musical actor, and before indigo appeared on re.group felt more recognized for that rather than being a member of indigo.

is known still as a ‘happy pill’ member after putting too much emphasis and overacting into variety during indigo’s debut when they were struggling.

has a biting sense of humor, though it’s often covered up and forgiven due to how he plays it off after ( he has a rather infectious laugh and innocent face ).

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

as far as his career goes, ruwon has two goals. to try and keep the ball rolling with indigo’s newfound fame, and to continue to pad his resume as a musical theater performer. he wants to accumulate more lead roles and really prove himself as a singer, so he doesn’t have to keep seeing the word ‘idol’ stuck next to his name whenever he lands himself a role. like meat to critics wanting to rip casting directors for it.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

as far as where ruwon’s loyalties lie, it’s always been with his own aspirations. and his own aspiration has always been to make it on stage. but not on music shows. instead, the sort of stages that are strung up with heavy red curtains and have an orchestra to punctuate whatever outlandish story he’s singing about. what ruwon has always wanted to do was the become a musical theater performer. he took msg’s offer because he was unsure of his chances in his not-so-great university. but indigo is more of a stepping stone than anything. and in all honesty, indigo’s sudden surge of popularity only muddies the waters of ruwon’s future plans rather than revitalizes him

IDOL IMAGE

just like indigo itself, ruwon’s brand has changed and shifted along with the group’s image. it makes sense. version one didn’t work out. so it was erased. as well as ruwon, or who he was in the group ( to a certain extent ). sometimes ruwon wishes he’d gotten a stage name pushed at him, or cared enough to fight for one. then it would seem less personal. at the beginning, they were the same as everyone else under msg’s roster, eclectic, edgy, with one song sounding like 14 glued together and dances that ruwon really couldn’t keep up with. he could help carry the group vocally when they lowered the volume on their backing tracks at music shows, but ruwon hadn’t been signed as a dancer and it showed.

so how do you make fans love a member thrown into a clearly performance based group to balance out that vocal line, that can’t quite keep up? you make him infectiously happy! give that exec another raise, a true visionary. ruwon became a happy pill. and then an over the top one when it became clear that indigo were floundering and it was at least moderately easy for mcs to play off it at the few variety shows they were invited to. he’d laugh ( too loudly, because he needed to get a reaction ), he’d attempt to copy dances ( poorly, to get a laugh. cement an image of himself as the kid with two left feet ). make a big deal over his ‘special talents’ ( and try to turn it into a comedic bit, because who cared what ruwon was really interested in? ). ruwon was happy, bright, and comedic relief throughout indigo’s advent.

they slower down, a few years with one korean promotion each and ruwon left that persona for moments on camera. treated the man that did musicals as a different entity entirely. then the last-ditch variety show happened. they shot to fame, another member pulled in large viewership and popularity ( despite ruwon going out and making a fool of himself all those years, and for what? ) new music, new songs, new fans, another token comeback under an experimental idea for msg ( which, funnily enough, was to try out non-experimental ), and suddenly indigo is an entirely new group. it feels like it anyway.

gone are the days of choppy electronica and spending exhausting hours in a practice room trying to keep up, vocals coming second. it’s a concept that suits ruwon more, but now feels strange. his identity is shifted, subtly, to keep up. that old ruwon can’t just disappear. but he doesn’t need to be a tryhard anymore. sometimes he’s still regarded as annoying as he figures out how much to dial down, what to rewire and change. he’s allowed to shift his brand of humor as a result. a little more impish, a little snarkier. he covers it with a laugh, because now he can fall back on that old happy pill familiarity of just wanting everyone to have a good time. so he’s still pushed as humorous. he’s still pushed as bright. but now they try to push his talent, too. he’s getting more chances to push his interest forward with musicals now that they wanted indigo to be branded as a ‘talent-focused’ sort of group. it feels excessive, and it feels like a fluke. ruwon settles like a stranger into his own remodeled skin.

IDOL HISTORY

PARK RUWON – the fall, flatline, and slow climb of a unknown idol.

PLAYBOOK.

WHO’S WHO IN THE CAST?

a deadbeat father. he was probably a drunk, he probably hated his life, he probably hated his mother, and he probably hated ruwon himself. when presented with the possibility of divorce, he left and dropped the shame of raising a child as a single parent in his mother’s lap. probably off somewhere working on a ship yard. a small role, name unimportant.

a single mother. kim misook, managerial position at a private hospital. she had ruwon a little too young and divorced soon after. additional details of the marriage are withheld from ruwon ( and, subsequently, the audience ). deals with muted stress, often put ruwon first. managed to work her way into a better lifestyle over the years. now somewhat comfortable, but she was dealt a harder hand at the beginning.

their child. park ruwon, grew up without some of the opportunities of his peers. his mother couldn’t afford multiple after school academies or private kindergarten on a one parent salary. had some amount of talent when it came to singing. wouldn’t bench his dreams. is a quasi-mix of illogical, stubborn, and unresponsive to the realities of the world until they hit him hard.

msg. the entertainment company that signed him. whoever first started calling all those executives sharks was probably right.

indigo. the boys he was thrown into a group with. ruwon’s future distilled into a single, depressive color.

SYNOPSIS

ruwon doesn’t remember his father. he left too early, before memories formed and solidified. he’d been interested in him at first, like some kids in similar shoes. that lingering hope that he wasn’t abandoned. that he was a secret agent. or an astronaut, pioneering through space. the whimsical stories from the mind of a five year old not yet ready to hear the truth. eventually it was put to bed when ruwon got old enough to understand why his mother cried sometimes behind the locked door of the bathroom. curiosity turned into resentment. communities aren’t always nice to families in situations like theirs. and public schools aren’t always nice, either. bullying happens to everyone. someone’s too pretty, another is too ugly. he’s too short and she’s not smart enough. ruwon’s parents were divorced. that was what got him picked on when he was younger. and then in trouble later, with reddened knuckles and a scowl in place. his mother’s sad eyes when a teacher explained that ruwon had lashed out and used physical violence when he could’ve used words. that was his childhood. not all bad. not all good.

when he gets older, he discovers singing. music. it’s high school and he’s in a club. he likes the stage, and picking roles. getting to pretend to be someone he isn’t for the duration of the show. he likes the music, everything sung out and emotionally high or low in a way that feels so much more gripping to him than anything in a movie. he falls in love with the stage. that stage. his mother’s sad eyes come back when ruwon wants to treat this seriously. when he tells her he wants to get it together, study harder for the entrance exam. that his music teacher thinks he has real talent, not just the sort they tell kids to make them feel better about themselves. but that maybe he could pull it off, this dream. turn it into a career. that one in a million shot. those one in a million shots are helped along by people with the money needed to push them along though, and his mother knows this. so he lives with heavy lunged sighs and subtle shakes of her head whenever he brings it up, like that will dissuade him. it doesn’t, because he isn’t yet ready to face reality. he wants to keep believing he can squeeze into his pipe dream. he’s seen his mother’s life, and he doesn’t understand why he has to do it too. why he should keep living for the miserable and rote. he wants to make it. he wants to get into a good school. a really great one, where he can network his way onto a bigger stage.

but ruwon doesn’t. because life isn’t a fairy tale, and reality didn’t just walk away because he wanted to be illogical. he was an average student, and he got an average score. an average ( or below average, depending on who got asked ) university admitted him to their okay musical theater program. and even as ruwon studied, and took his classes, made friends and auditioned for school productions, it all felt so pointless. foreshadowed regret. where was he going to go once he got his degree? a worthwhile piece of paper in a sea of kids who could all sing, who were all talented?

reality isn’t a fairy tale, but every once in a while people get a little lucky. after a school production his first year, he was seen and pulled by a talent scout at msg. a coincidence, their niece was in the orchestra performing the same day. they were looking for a vocalist, and ruwon had an alright enough look, so they gave him a card and told him to stop by on the audition date msg was hosting soon. the card got him through the door and granted him a little more attention than some of the others packed into the room with him. and even sitting there, in an uncomfortable plastic chair, ruwon felt like a fraud. he’d gone only because he’d realized he was an idiot. that he should’ve listened to his mother all along. thought that maybe if the gods shined down upon him he could use it as his opportunity to climb out of the hole he’d dug himself into.

the god must have been someone nonsensical, with an enjoyment of black humor. ruwon got into the company. he was stronger vocally than most of the other boys he trained with. maybe not surprising, since msg leaned toward dance and performance. he lagged behind them all massively in those two very areas. he put his school on deferral, his mother sighed some more, stared at him sadly over plates of food at dinner before he was eventually moved into trainee dorms. ruwon treated it like school, because that’s what he’d turned it into in his mind. he still wanted to be in musical theater, this was just a different rig to climb to get there. so he tried. he stayed late in an attempt to learn dances that didn’t come very naturally to him. he sat through lessons on how to look properly into a camera, or answer questions on variety. when he was selected for the final lineup of indigo, it felt surreal. he was added for his vocals, he wasn’t an all rounder and he didn’t personify msg’s style. but he could sing pretty damn well. that was supposed to be his big break. but it wasn’t.

MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT 1

FACE. it’s their debut. it hurts ruwon’s ears. he hates it in the same way some of the others seem to love it – with a passion. it sounds like two songs fused together forcibly, and he’s not even sure why they’ve decided to add him to the group if they’re just layering auto-tune over his voice anyway. but he accepts it, he knew what he was getting into. he accepts his newfound image, and his role on variety shows. he does his best to pull attention for the group. he’s never been shy. and he wants this. maybe not in the same way as some of his group mates, but he wants it to work out. it’s a two-tiered plan. indigo succeeds, and then ruwon can ask about doing what he wants to. but the song doesn’t garner a whole lot of acclaim or attention. they scrape together the beginnings of a fanbase, some fallouts from the previous boy group msg housed, and some from their subpar showings. but it’s not always instant success, and msg is a fairly popular company. they just need to keep a positive face.

ACTION. this one, somehow, manages to do even worse. it’s both more all over the place and boring, which manages to shock critics for all the wrong reasons. their fanbase doesn’t grow exponentially. their song doesn’t chart. they get invited to even less variety shows than last time. ruwon acts out and makes a fool of himself whenever a camera is pointed at him out of desperation that someone will find him funny, that the group will get a call-back. whenever his mom calls, she sighs into the receiver. despite the static, he can hear the disappointment and judgement. he has no way of explaining that getting painted up in sparkles just to be ignored by pre-teens is in any way a good idea. he gets quieter, when the cameras are off. when the door closes in his shared room. he gets permission from the company to go back and continue his degree.

BEEP BEEP. does anyone even know they made a comeback? even when msg gets around to buying them a promotional pann, it’s always just spammed with who??? and it seems pointless. he still has debt. probably way more than he would’ve accrued if he just stayed in university. he’s a giant mistake of a boy, and he wonders at night how many more mistakes he’ll continue to make. if he’s just going around punching holes in his own godforsaken life, busy calling it interior decorating before he realizes years later he’s just ripping himself apart. he doesn’t sleep well. he focuses on school work, and people don’t even recognize him in the lecture halls. he goes out and auditions on his own for a role in a musical. his guidance counselor passes along the information, figures he might have a chance even if he isn’t a top star, sub-par name value if they squint. he manages to get an alternate role. it should make him happy. but ruwon’s now drowning in debt and frustrated with himself. his choices. he is a little happy though, when that curtain falls.

OVERCOME. it’s at this point that even the company refers to them as a failure. not to their faces. but ruwon hears about it. msg’s failed group. which just means ruwon the failure, doesn’t it? there’s a whole identity crisis that comes with it, but ruwon takes the opportunity of the company ignoring him to finish up his degree. he auditions for more musicals and starts to get more roles. he decides he doesn’t mind so much that indigo’s not doing great. he doesn’t have to put up with their songs, doesn’t have to spend too many hours learning dances, or coming up with new and stupid ways to start shouting on variety shows. he owes msg too much money, and they take cuts from his paychecks. but he has a place to live. he’s performing, doing the job he’d sought out to do. he’s not comfortable, but he’s complacent.

ACT 2

DEJA VU. re.group happened. it was one of those last ditch efforts before msg was planning to throw them overboard like a dead carp. for some reason, re.group got really popular. insanely popular. people knew their names. msg tried a different approach to music, something to match the show and their newfound fans. something that fit ruwon’s own skill set and range a little better. and then they were off, like a firecracker in the dark. ruwon wasn’t ready for it.

WHERE YOU AT. firecrackers eventually fizzle out. so msg crammed in another comeback soon after the last, to make the most money off of their success before it died down. ruwon wasn’t used to the pacing, and was suddenly presented with the expectation to do all of the things he hadn’t even enjoyed that much. his image had to be tweaked, parts disregarded. a group rebranded in an attempt to keep this spark stoked. ruwon didn’t think any amount of magic could turn it into a fire.

HELP ME. this is where the exhaustion starts setting in. ruwon had never been overworked quite like this. reject groups don’t get pushed onto so many shows, into so many photoshoots, with so many performances and talks of concerts. when he falls into bed, he aches. there’s a melancholy that grows, and he doesn’t know how to deal with it because he doesn’t know why it’s there. despite the group’s turnaround, despite how he doesn’t even mind their music, despite how he’s able to still pursue his passions, it’s still completely different from the life he’d decided was alright. was his own. there’s more attention, and the expectations stack higher. ruwon feels like a fraud, an imposter wearing perfectly printed skin.

BEAUTIFUL PAIN. the new year rolls around and indigo’s popularity snowballs. msg is delighted, and happy enough to push the new angle of their music if it means money, even if it’s a little out of the box for msg’s signature sound. ruwon tries to get more accustomed to the fame. to the fans. to the new dynamic of their group. ruwon tries to better balance his time, and tries not to get so frustrated with himself when it still takes him twice, sometimes three times as long to nail down the same choreography as his group mates. he starts acting like a wise ass on tv. a new brand of loud, like it will somehow offset the reclusive way he shuts down when he’s finally allowed to sit by himself at home.

IT’S OKAY. his mother doesn’t sigh when she calls him anymore. it should count as a victory. there’s still debt, but he knows indigo is pulling in decent money now. ruwon wants to focus more on himself, on his musicals. but the group is still shaky-legged. they have public appeal, and a bigger fandom than before, but it’s not otherworldly. they’re no atlas, no olympus. they could be swallowed by that pit of anonymity once more, if they’re not too careful.

REMEMBER THAT. his father does sigh when ruwon picks up the phone. it’s long suffering and sounds like bronchial pain. i didn’t want to leave you. but you mother. you mother. you were in a bad spot too, ruwon. you understand, right? ruwon does understand. he hates him, but he still gives him that money he asks for. like tithings at a church, paying for forgiveness you’re not even sure exists.

WAY BACK HOME. a new year. again. tired sighs. uncomfortable silence. suppressed thoughts and desires, bending at the whim of others. a reaction to please them. he smiles too much, until his cheeks ache. he laughs, louder. until he can’t hear himself think. this is his job. until the curtain falls.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON ATLAS’ LEAD RAP MIN JOHYUN...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: N/A CURRENT AGE: 24 DEBUT AGE: 19 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 17 COMPANY: KJH SECONDARY SKILL: Modeling

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): giant, soft giant, daddy long legs, legolas. INSPIRATION: His inspiration was his father, who had always wanted to be a musician, but couldn’t follow his dream because he had to raise their family. SPECIAL TALENTS:

saying tongue twisters super quick.

he knows how to play the keyboard, the guitar and the drums.

has the lowest note among the members.

knows how to ride a motorcycle.

NOTABLE FACTS:

used to play basketball at school, and he was really good at it.

was scouted by kjh on the streets due to his looks. at first he thought it was a scam, but ended up calling them back when he saw on the internet that they were the real deal.

got some attention after debut because of his height and “elf-ish” looks. 

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

his goal as of now is to get at least slightly more popular in his group, to find his footing, a place. even though he knows he’s gotten better he still doesn’t feel like a proper part of the group’s “rap line”. he wants his covers on youtube to get more views and for his musical talent to be more recognized. little does johyun know that he should be the one to recognize it first.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

as sad as that sounds, he has none. johyun thinks short term and that has been his curse for years. he had once, years ago. when his dream was playing basketball. but that was taken away and sometimes he feels that once it did his own will also left him. now he’s this. a shadow. something that doesn’t really has any form, any shape. maybe that’s why, then. it’s easier to look to his feet, to look at the short path ahead. if he looks up, if he sees where he’s going. then he’ll stop. and he can’t do that.

IDOL IMAGE

he’s stuck.

johyun pauses in front of the mirror, a twisted, heavy feeling in his chest that he can’t shake it off. he shouldn’t be this anxious, not five years into debut. but he still is, always is. it’s almost like this awful grip in his throat just gets tighter and tighter as the years go by. instead of getting used to shows like this, used to the cameras on him, it just gets worse and worse.

and it’s even worse when it’s all of them together.

because it’s easy to get lost then, to be lost. kjh had tried for many things to be his image. they have tried the giant puppy sort of image, tried the quiet poet rapper sort of thing. truth be told in a group with so many figures it was just easy to fade in the background. and he faded to the point sometimes he wondered if even kjh remembered him, those weeks with no solo schedule, all those years with nothing going on for him except when atlas was promoting. they’re supposed to be carrying the whole world, but johyun feels like he’s not carrying anything at all. he’s not even helping them carry it.

and it’s a cycle, a never-ending one. one of anxiety and of never feeling good enough. but god knows he got better. god knows he took all the training they gave him and turned it into something worth their fucking money. god knows he has tried, still does. that he trains endlessly. that every inch of skill he got now was worked for, battled for. and still he felt ridiculous when he compared himself to the others, to how grand they are, how talented, how raw. and he has gotten better, he thinks. he says. they all tell him. johyun agrees. until another article comes out and once again all they’re talking about are his looks, his face, how broader he got over the years. visuals for days. not a word about the lines he rapped.  but it’s the only place he seems to fit, the only thing that ever got him articles. it didn’t matter how much he wrote, or how much he tried to. his company still told him he didn’t need to. and he wouldn’t even dare show it to his group members. so he keeps being the mediocre rapper. he keeps being the one who doesn’t write all of his lyrics. he keeps being the one who goes to photoshoots instead of writing music.

he clenches his fists, lowers his head. it feels like a defeat if he’s honest but he goes anyway. the camera flashes are at least better than the shadows.

IDOL HISTORY

johyun has motion sickness for longer than he remembers. but his parents always found it a bother, complained about how he was always complaining. so he sits on the backseat with his eyes closed, swallowing down the nausea. he’s only ten, but he already learned how to bite down words and not ever speak his mind.

“we’re almost there,” his father says, voice joyful. johyun wonders if his voice will be deep like his one day. “are you watching the view, son?”

“yes, father. it’s beautiful,” he says, opens his eyes slightly to watch for a second and closes them completely. at least now he isn’t lying.

his father then goes on and on about busan. about how it was growing there, about the beach. johyun just listens because he knows his father likes talking about the past. the one thing he likes talking about the most though is about his dreams of singing. about how he was almost making it when his mother died and he had to focus on working to raise him and his little sister.

but that’s okay, his father would say. you are more important to me.

and then he’d tell the story again. and again.

and again.

-

johyun wanted to be a basketball player. he played through middle school until he reached high school. he was intent in keeping his grades up so he could do it. he was intent in telling his father, intent in keeping his goal.

until one day the unimaginable happened.

they were walking on the street, coming back after johyun accompanied him to the mall. they went to buy his sister a gift. and then someone stopped him, eyed him from head to toe and asked him if he wanted to be an idol. his first reaction was to take a step back, to think of running away. who the hell was this guy and what did he want with him. but his father beamed, took his business card, smiled at johyun widely.

“it’s a scam,” johyun said when they got home, desperate. his father was already researching on the computer. he was smiling at him, pointing to the screen.

“you could be a singer!”

and that’s how he ended up here.

the training room feels like a cage to him. some sort of anxiety ending hell he got himself into willingly. though will is a hard concept for him, complex. does he even know what he wants? what he does because he likes it?

what does he want?

there’s a field in his mind. an uniform. he closes his eyes.

he wants his father to be happy too.

so he stands up and tries again. he’s not good at this, wasn’t built for it. his limbs are too long, his mind too slow. he never gets the choreo right. he never gets the tone right. though they say they could try to do something with his voice if he tries hard enough. his father likes it when he tells him that.

“you’ll be a singer,” he says and the subtext is what hurts the most. johyun clenches his teeth.

he does it again.

-

trainee period is a weird thing.

johyun doesn’t know how to take it. he doesn’t have anything, a reason why he should be here. he stays in the shadows and watches as the other kids do their thing - singing, dancing, everything is crystal clear. and then there’s johyun. he doesn’t know how to dance. he doesn’t know how to sing. his voice is too low, his limbs too long. so the company tells him one day he’s going to be a rapper. they want him in their next team and he has to have something. anything. he can’t be the guy who doesn’t have a thing going for him.

fucking christ, how humiliating is that? he always heard that the good looking kids with no talents were always stuck as the rappers.

but this is what sucks. the other trainee rappers don’t suck. they come from the underground scene or whatever, they all write their own lyrics, they all know what they’re doing. but not johyun. he’s carefully crafted. they teach him classes, they tell him how to speak. they show him the way to flow his words, they give him lyrics to recite. it’s not something that comes from his soul.

johyun doesn’t know why he sticks with it. or maybe he does. every time he comes home his father has their dinner ready, a smile so big it aches.

“how did it go?” he asks, and johyun tries to smile too.

and next day he’s back. he trains. and he trains. and he tries so damn fucking hard.

one day someone will tell johyun that doing something as big as this for other people would only break his heart. johyun will wish he’d have heard it sooner.

-

debuting comes faster than he thought, way faster. he doesn’t feel ready. he still stumbles on words. he still needs double the time than the other to memorize choreography. he still needs to stay up all night to memorize lyrics, to remember what to do in front of cameras.

he wants this. he thinks. his father is so happy he makes a small shrine for his promo pictures, talks about him to everyone. he wanted that, right?

he has to. if this is not what he wants then it was all for nothing.

what does he want?

it hurts to think so he drinks. he practices his rapping until his voice goes sore. he goes to his schedule and drown back in work. when work is not enough he starts taking pills. he plays basketball on his free time and then he stops doing it because his head and heart and soul becomes a mess.

and he feels like his company is just as lost to what to do with him as he is. they try shoving him into shows, try marketing him in this that way. this and that, this and that. nothing sticks. he feels like a wall that people keep throwing shit at him until something fits. he feels unfit. like there are no clothes that fit him, no skin that makes him comfortable. it goes on to the point he doesn’t know what he is.

or who he is.

what does he want?

he doesn’t know anymore

-

if i look back, i’m lost.

he saw that in some series but he doesn’t remember which. it rings true, somehow. so he doesn’t look back and he also doesn’t look forward. he tries to stay still.

his rapping is better, way better. kjh allowed him to have a youtube channel and it’s where johyun places most of his artistic needs. he makes acoustic covers of girlgroups, something small, something stupid. he likes it so he doesn’t mind. johyun mind very little now.

there’s something numb and sort of dead in the place of his chest. hollow and deep. people have been recognizing him now for what he does. he’s a good rapper, they say. not as good as them, but still. but still. johyun guesses he should be thankful.

and as atlas grows bigger he feels himself growing smaller. he keeps being booked for photoshoots. he keeps the lyrics he writes for himself, kjh allowing some here and there. it’s not something you need to do, they say. everything you write is too sad. and johyun nods. keep your figure, they say. stay fit. stay tall. stay handsome.

don’t look back, he says to himself. keep going. keep smiling. keep posing. keep writing. keep playing your guitar and singing to songs that aren’t yours. keep waving to the camera and pretending this is your family. that you’re comfortable. that they’re your brothers. keep taking that pill, keep drinking from that bottle. drown and drown and drown. look up.

but don’t look back.

or you’re lost.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON CHERRY BOMB!’S MAIN RAP IM NAHYUN...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Nana CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 18 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 14 COMPANY: MSG SECONDARY SKILL: Lyric writing

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): spring fairy, pd-nim (mostly because of her videos, since she’s the one producing and editing all the content that goes there, even though it still passes by MSG’s approval note), fanservice queen INSPIRATION: She always loved music and everything there was about it. She started learning how to play when she was young and once she was given the chance to become much like her own idols, she didn’t think twice before jumping into it. SPECIAL TALENTS:

Her fingers are very quick in the sense that she can type things fast (80WPM). She uses that skill mostly for gaming, but it proved to be handy once she started to edit her YouTube videos.

Tongue-twisters

Proved to be quite strong when she lifted Defconn on her back and carried him around the studio once when CB! appeared on the show

NOTABLE FACTS:

She admitted what fans have been saying for years now. She’s a homebody and enjoys staying inside more than going out;

Because of her YouTube channel, she became more prone to get acquainted with people and because of it her idol network grew in the last couple of years;

She’s known for being supportive of younger groups on social media;

She used to go busking before becoming a trainee in MSG;

Is very scared of loud noises (fireworks, for example).

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

Before exploring her options outside of what is adequate for CB! now, Nahyun wants them to stabilize their name as a group first. Even though it has been quite a while since their debut, she wants them to have an overall grounded and all-rounded image before moving forwards. Not only that but she wants to build a stronger image for herself which also includes dedicating more in training and her YouTube Channel.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

She wants to gain money from her own productions (lyrics and posteriorly, producing) so she can afford a better house to her family. She also wants to have more space to grow while an idol who produces videos for a platform such as YouTube which is a chance to expand the public’s perspectives about her as an artist overall besides simply showing her grace as a funny or witty person. Of course, she wants to keep with the most fun aspect of the channel, but she also wants to show the process of making music and approach more delicate subjects as well.

IDOL IMAGE

She’s almost introduced as a blank canvas who needs work and patience to become a masterpiece but in truth, the ways of showing that off just didn’t make her true colors shine properly in the beginning. But she’s a young girl when they make their debut, and she wants to prove herself worthy of her place in the group. Her eagerness makes it easy to mold her in a way that’d best benefit them, so they keep her on that track.

At first, she’s the rapper who doesn’t rap. The pretty girl who has not much to offer besides some mediocre dancing skills and passable singing ability. She saw herself in that manner, even though she had spent years practicing to avoid such conclusions. But it’s not how it turned out to be in the long term. Despite the few comments about her lack of skills, fans started blurring out that fact to praise her performance. How she winked and waived and smiled at every direction at once and cheered the audience up when she could, and how she became a star when her (few) parts of their songs came up.

Instead of being labeled as the pretty girl of the group or being called useless for the lack of rapping parts on CB!’s discography or because they were executed poorly in comparison to others, she was taken as a little box of surprises.

Charisma wasn’t something that she ever imagined to be remembered for, but people liked to see her performance on the stage, how she wasn’t simply the girl-next-door she made them fall in love with but also someone cool and confident.

When she opens her channel, things turn out clearer. The freedom she felt when she started uploading her works despite still having to pass through authorization from the company. The public starts getting glimpses of Jihee who’s clumsy and strangely competitive, of someone who smiles way too much and laughs in a funny way. Jihee worries she may be showing way too much when she talks about the struggles, but most times she’s refrained for releasing too serious videos, she’s an entertainer and for that to happen, she needs to be stable and happy.

So that’s what she becomes. In and out of stage, in front of her camera or in the studio. Someone who people will easily related and sympathetic looking to ease hearts of people who need. A person who’s charismatic and have strong stage presence and has apparently a second nature for fanservice. It works, it fulfills the fans and make the company happy, having their seemly “ordinary” girl.

IDOL HISTORY

Im Nahyun was born into a comfortable family. They weren’t wealthy, but they certainly weren’t poor either. Both her parents had their respective jobs and there wasn’t a day that they’d go without a meal. She had a nice life for most part of her childhood. She played with the neighbors and was a smart kid praised at school. She liked to spend her spare time in the classrooms, it was peaceful and quiet, and she often learnt a thing or two after the classes were finished. She learnt to play the piano and the guitar since her family didn’t have the money to pay for classes and even less to buy the instrument for their house. It was, undoubtedly an easy to life to live.

Then they lost it all.

Well, not all as per say, but their family got in serious problems because of the economic crisis. She didn’t understand much back then. She knew her father lost his job and they started relying on their mother. Her older brother decided to take a job in some fast food chain since he was old enough, but Nahyun was still too young to do the same and her father started getting too busy drinking himself into oblivion to keep trying to get a job.

She started busking. Or at least tried. There wasn’t much a thirteen years old could do to get money. She was a terrible cook so she couldn’t make pastries to sell, she didn’t think people would accept her help in the restaurants or stores either, even if hidden for pure fear of losing the little stability they had, so Nahyun tried the one things she knew she could do fairly well.

Singing in public was a challenge but she was welcomed by the few passerby. The fact that she was a little cute girl must have helped to get the attention of at least a couple of people during her evenings after school. A year passed and their situation got a little better. They weren’t in such a critical state anymore and her mother could breath easier and not take so much extra hours at work. Her father remained the same useless piece of meat, but she bothered less with it now.

It happened in one evening. Nahyun was in her usual place, in the usual time, she had just finished for the day when a short woman – shorter than her she remembered – approached her. She said she was from MSG, an entertainment company. The woman told her that if she was interested, they were opening for new trainees soon, she promised that Nahyun had what was necessary to become someone big and eventually make a lot of money. In the end, she gave her the business card before finally leaving.

She was as warry as she should be with the offer. She checked the number in the business card online, searched if anyone had ever been randomly approached and scouted like she was, she asked for guidance from her mother and sweet and nice as always, she answered that if she didn’t find any holes in the woman’s narrative, then why not give a try. So she did.

If compared to the others, she didn’t have anything especially elaborated when the day come. She wasn’t even sure if it was a good idea to give it a try so she dealt with the situation as if she was preparing to one more of the busking sessions, the difference this time would be that she was in a very well illuminated building in front of people who looked quite intimidating.

The results arrived a couple of weeks later and she had packing to do because she apparently wasn’t staying with her parents anymore.

She was a vocalist because that’s all that she ever knew what to do. When she started in MSG, she didn’t know how to dance, she didn’t act and she didn’t model, she didn’t rap. In the beginning of her training she was put with the other new kids to evaluation, and then after a couple of months, she was sent to have vocal training. But those classes were slightly different from the ones she had prior. She wasn’t being taught to reach low as well as high notes, she was being told of how to control her breathing while she spoke, she wasn’t being trained to become a vocalist, she was being instructed of how to become a rapper.

She was beyond upset and understandably. She didn’t sign up for this, she wasn’t supposed to become something that she wasn’t, she didn’t leave her home to do this. But as a trainee there was little she could do, her voice was still too small, too insignificant. She thought of quitting but then was reminded of the excuse of man laid in the sofa back in her house and thought otherwise. She could be many things, but she wouldn’t be a coward and dropout like her father.

Endure it for a little longer, breath and count to ten, don’t let them get to you, you can do it, somehow you can do it.

They tell her that as long as she has a good presence on stage and leave people content, no one will condemn her for her unnatural rapping skills. She wants to believe them but after a couple of years in the training system, she realized girls had it harder in different ways. She should be perfect for her debut, not just fine or okay. But she was gracious enough, she had the beauty and the smile, and she was okay in everything, average, nothing special besides her looks.

She debuted with Cherry Bomb! In 2012 and she had to look forward., never look back, always look forward.

Things as a trainee were already tough enough. The starvation they made they go through, the constant training and daily goals they had to archive. Nahyun was undoubtedly better when it came to dance and her rapping had improved greatly if compared to the times when she had started – though she wasn’t as good as other, she reminded herself. When they debut, things were increasingly more stressful it seemed.

As the years went by and the public just got used to the fact that her rapping was never so good in comparison to other groups, but she still had a killer stage presence. Nahyun started feeling more at ease to open up to different areas besides the basics. She started taking music classes in the company whenever she had spare time and took pleasure out of writing. It worked as a diary in the beginning – writing lyrics – sometimes they were mushy, other times they were just sad, but for a long while they remained hidden in the notebook she kept under the pillow.

People liked her when she appeared on TV shows somehow. Her wit and sense of humor were pretty much what attracted the public, but it wasn’t enough to attract as much attention or to guarantee her a spot as a variety person. Then the idea of creating a YouTube channel showed up. It was a trend; make-up artists were doing it and there were a couple of her colleagues who were in that same path. In mid-2016, with her company’s authorization and a clumsy vlog of her day, Nahyun started what seemed to be a very successful idea as long as she could tell.

At first, it doesn’t change her routine as much. It’s only her talking to a camera like she had done a couple of times for TV but this time the schedule is hers. She decided what things she’d do and with who she’d film, of what they would talk about and what she’d want to show. But then she started going fond of this way of communicating with the fans and she knew that more than seeing her videos, they’d want to see more of how this worked. She started with her members, showing glimpses of them here and there when she could, then people from MSG started making cameos and people who she never imagined she’d have the courage to approach also became part of vlogs. It became a way of making acquittances almost.

Time was sparse of course, even considering herself as the least busy member, there were still many things to deal with. They had multiple comebacks a year and she promised to push herself every time they were back on stage, the image of her father always present in her head. The public never found out that she had an unemployed drunk as a father and for that she was grateful. She also started contributing for CB!’s discography which came as a surprise since the company was giving her that kind of creative freedom. She wanted to make something out of that. She wanted to stand out from the box she was trapped. She knew she was better than what she was doing but she had to have the will to build a path of her own and get to where she wanted to head.

Easier said than done.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON CELESTE’S MAIN RAP, VOCAL JI YULHEE...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Jiyul CURRENT AGE: 27 DEBUT AGE: 22 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 14 COMPANY: 99 SECONDARY SKILL: N/A

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): 율율 (Yul-yul), 윙크 퀸 (Wink Queen), 섹시 다이너마이트 (Sexy Dynamite) INSPIRATION: She hatched a love for the art of performance from a young age; adoring the attention, and the applause, from the attendees at her parents’ church as she sang in the choir. The rush of adrenaline, the saccharine-sweet praise, the irrefutable high; it left her hungry for more. It was told to her once that she had a magnetism when she was in front of a crowd—a presence that not many possess. While she often felt that those who told her such kinds things weren’t being all too serious, she somehow convinced herself that she was good enough to audition for companies; the love of putting on a show guiding her to 99 Entertainment, and leaving her in their care. After début, however, Yulhee’s decided that her main goal as an idol is to be a voice for the women, and girls, who don’t necessarily have one. Whether they be trapped in sheltered lifestyles like she was in her past, or told they can’t do something that they love, she hopes that her example gives them strength. Without a cause to speak for, what she does as a public figure would mean nothing, so all she wants is to fuel her female fans with the confidence to take a risk, and change their lives for the better. SPECIAL TALENTS:

Despite being the main rapper in her group, she can match pitch fairly well.

She can comedically impersonate all of her group-mates’ singing voices.

It is often claimed by her members that she is an excellent pole dancer.

NOTABLE FACTS:

While she doesn’t have any tattoos on her body at present, she’s stated that she’s a bit interested in getting one sometime soon. She finds them stunning, and her fans often send her photos on Twitter of the theirs to see if she’ll like/retweet them.

Jiyul is a graduate of both SOPA, and Chung-Ang University.

She is known to be an avid, and vocal, supporter of LGBT+ rights, and celebrated the legalization of same-sex marriage in the USA on her social media platforms.

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

Despite lackluster popularity for Celeste, Yulhee plans on breaking apart from her pack in order to release music as a soloist. She’s happy that she has a group of women behind her as friends, colleagues, and confidants, but she feels as though she’s trained for so long that she can handle being on her own. That, and she hopes to be able to fight for as much creative freedom as possible, but even if each song is planned out for her, she’ll happily perform them. All she wants is her own spotlight—plain and simple.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

Though a life of fame and fortune used to be her ultimate goal when she was young, now that she’s gotten older, Yulhee dreams of leaving the spotlight behind her in order to become a wife, and a mother. Having spent so much time underneath the strict rules of 99 Entertainment, all she wants is a simple existence; one where she could look back on all that she’s accomplished proudly, but still disconnect from each memory in order to gain some sort of peace of mind.

IDOL IMAGE

From afternoon getaways to pick up saccharine sweet confections of bubblegum pink hues from the convenience store at fourteen, to indulging in multiple bottles of soju after a long day of rehearsal at twenty-two, Yulhee has evolved throughout her time as an entertainer. Having entered the industry as a pre-teen, she was once a bright-eyed, naïve girl with an appetite for success—a determination to metamorphose recurring dreams into blissful reality. Once upon a time, she was seen as a mess of blushing cheeks and soft-spoken syllables; her personality ethereal, moldable, and delightful. This supposed innocence, as well as her lack of vocal chops, caused her to be overlooked for earlier generation groups that her company débuted, particularly Heaven, and instead, she was selected to start her career within a collective that was safer; something dipped in chocolate and sprinkled with powdered sugar. Though, by the time that she was introduced to the public at large, she had aged quite a bit—standing at twenty-three years old, her curves and more mature, feminine wiles noticeably different in comparison to a few of her members. It was at this time where her company began to realize that they might have made a mistake with her, but instead of forcing her into a mold that was meant to sweeten audiences up with aegyo and ‘little sister’ images, they allowed her to take a step out of the box ever-so slightly—to charm them with flirtation, endless winks, and well-timed comedic retorts.

In the beginning, she was similar to that of a more wholesome Marilyn Monroe—someone that had a playful, yet coquettish wit, but was swathed in a delicate, girlish charm that still fit Celeste’s image. When she was surrounded by a multitude of Nation’s Little Sister hopefuls, she stood out as the older sibling who was more experienced, more wise, and quite frankly, almost maternal. To a lot of their younger fans, she was the ‘cool unnie’ that they felt they could trust, or the ‘beautiful noona’ that younger men fell head over heels for. Yulhee took this image in stride, and though it wasn’t necessarily what she hoped, it was better than being reverted to being almost childlike. She’d never been good at faking cute, after all.

She had also become known on variety shows to tease and simper. It started out as an array of innocent compliments, batted eyelashes, and frisky remarks, but as Celeste began to evolve, she was slowly able to unleash her bewitching incantations even further—her once chaste intentions with slightly amorous advancements turning into full-blown coquetry; almost to the point of vulgarity. Now able to don miniskirts and low-cut blouses, she uses each inch of her frame to captivate audiences, and it is particularly entrancing to Celeste’s newfound male-dominated fanbase. Needless to say, she continued to blossom until she was vivid flora all on her own; the blessed switch in concept elevating her confidence, and pleasing her knowing that she was no longer going to be forced to release music that she, personally, deemed ‘too young’ for her. A negative side effect to this alteration, though, was the fact that many of her female fans thought she acted indecently in the media, and that in, and of itself, is something she deeply regrets, and feels remorseful over.

Despite the more overt approach to her sexuality, and the transition from being the ‘cool older sister’ to the ‘super sexy older woman,’ Yulhee still believes that her mind (especially her wit and wisdom) is what makes her marketable; relatable. She might portray herself as someone that’s a bit loose, and a bit of a minx to the public, but all of that is calculated, and she’s still able to handle herself in a poised fashion when need be. Why can’t beauty and brains live together in harmony? Why must they constantly exist so far away from one another? Why can’t she be sexy, and smart? Why can’t she be a role model, but also someone who embraces themselves completely? She’s here to prove that she’s a cocktail containing both—a woman who’ll make you blush, but also have long conversations about the state of the world, too. A woman who men and women would like to take to bed, but also someone to take home to meet the parents, too. It’s that duality that (hopefully) makes her every man’s dream girl, but every woman’s role model, as well.

IDOL HISTORY

1999.

The strong fingers of her father delicately plucked the keys of ivory and ebony, each note played flowing into her ears, being digested, and then replicated (to the best of her ability, at least) by the bell-like sound of her voice—it’s high-pitched, childish quality a testament to her youth. He plays each scale over, and over again, hoping that her still-developing ears would fine-tune themselves enough to correct the mistakes she’s made in the process, but she was still too young to understand what these exercises were for, and that was obvious.

“One more time, Hee-yah…”

His timbre soft, warm, and encouraging, as he travels up each octave; her breath working to support each note as it went higher, but once she wasn’t able to produce much noise, he ceased his motions; wishing she could’ve reached more than she had, but he didn’t want her to strain too much. That said, he wrapped an arm around her; pulling her in close as a non-verbal ‘good job’ to soothe her from all of the work he put her through.

“Wanna know what? I think you’re going to be fantastic for your solo this Sunday! You’ve really worked hard, and I’m proud of you. Mom will be, too.”

Nodding her head, she inhaled and exhaled a deep breath; her throat sore from the hours of practice she’d endured. Despite the workload, she was looking forward to her first ever recital with them at church; her mother, the director of the collective, eager to show the congregation what her little girl has been working on. The two have them had always stated that she was a chip off of the old block—her father’s looks, but her mother’s talent. Presently, she found all of the love and attention they gave her comfortable, but as time drifts on, it was only going to become more suffocating. For now, though, she did as she was told, and come the time she made her début as a singer at mass, Ji Yulhee began to fall in love with being in front of the crowd; the heat of a room full of people staring at her fueling her with confidence as opposed to uncertainty. All of the fun she had while being the center of attention was more important to her than being a perfect singer, after all.

Little did she know then that, as she grew into the woman that she’d become in adulthood, that rush of adrenaline would become something she chased forever.

2005.

Adolescence. What a troubling (and defining) time in a girl’s life.

Each year that she’s grown more and more into a woman, she’s been dolled up to be the poster child of the church that her father preached at. Truth be told, that isn’t something that she necessarily invited, but she was still too young to know what rebellion was. However, in her older age, she was growing a somewhat rotten attitude that would peek its head out in peculiar ways. At thirteen, she became a master of back-handed compliments; ones so decadently sinister, but still so drenched in sugar, that they didn’t come across as rude or deceitful. Despite this change in her demeanor, everyone who attended mass would shower her with compliments, and it became so often that, at the time, she was getting so sick, and tired, of hearing the same old repeated sentiments time, and time again.

“You’re so beautiful!” “You have a stunning voice!” “Have you ever thought about becoming an idol?”

At thirteen, she fought hard not to roll her eyes at the saccharine-sweet adulation. She didn’t mind the praise much at first, but having to step into a set of shoes that were far too perfect for her was exhausting. Not only that, but if she were being honest, she didn’t find herself to be that great, either. In a sense, she had a hunch that all of those who’d seen her grow were being overly kind. Sure, she had thought of auditioning for companies in hopes of escaping the sheltered walls that were built around her, and sure, she thought that just maybe, possibly, her singing voice was okay enough to mold, but everyone made it seem as though she was flawless; seamless. That, in and of itself, only added to the pressure she was subjected to on a daily basis. Also, each time the opportunity was created for her to seek out casting calls, she was needed for something: recitals, rehearsals, or chores, it didn’t matter. Time wasn’t ever kind to her, or her dreams. Luckily for her, though, another chance would be thrown in her direction, and this time, it’d work in her favor.

As she walked home from school one evening, she overheard two of her classmates talking about the recent announcement that 99 Entertainment made on the radio; their chatter leading her to discover that there was going to be an open call searching for talent the day after her fourteenth birthday. Rushing home, she let her parents know of her plans, and though they were hesitant at first, they allowed her to take part; having confidence that she would be able to make them, and their cohorts, proud with her supposed talent.

2008.

Her phone rings, and yet again, she lets it go to voicemail; the screen letting her know that she has a collection of twenty-seven missed calls from her mother in the past four hours.

It had been the fifth Sunday in a row that she hadn’t bothered to attend church, and it was becoming concerning for her parents. The tried, and true, excuse of needing to squeeze in extra time in the practice hall for yet another evaluation wasn’t working anymore, and they were adamant that she attend. The truth? She simply didn’t believe in what they preached anymore, and hadn’t for a very long time. She’s grown-up, experienced life, and has learned to make her own decisions; to live for herself, and herself only. They, however, didn’t want to believe that; or, rather, they absolutely refusedto believe it.

After all, how on earth could their little girl be an atheist?

Turns out, it only took her a few years to learn what rebellion was, and she was doing just that; turning her back on the world that she knew since birth. Never in her life had she been able to express herself like she had in training, and there was no way that she was going to give that up.

If it wasn’t for her successful audition at 99 so long ago, she would’ve still been trapped like Rapunzel in her parents’ world; treated like a princess who couldn’t ever step out of line. So, despite it being nearly soul-swallowing to focus wholly on work, school, and her dreams, Yulhee couldn’t be happier with where she’s at—this new form of limited ‘independence’ much more than she could’ve ever hoped for.

2010.

All she could think about was their critiques.

No matter how many times she tried to listen to music to drown out her thoughts, all she could hear was their voices—their pity-ridden tones still making her angry as she recollects the moment they told her that she wouldn’t be making her début. Four years had gone and went, and now, at nineteen, all she wanted to do was throw in the towel. Was all of this pain really worth it in the end anyway?

She’d always been a loose cannon; someone who, after years of keeping her head directed towards the ground, was no longer afraid to get angry, or speak their peace. Now, though, she felt as though she was forced into silence; much like she was as a child. Instead of being able to respond to their thoughts, she had to bite her tongue, but that didn’t stop her from seeing red as their words played on repeat in her mind.

“You just don’t have the strongest voice out of the girls here, and if you did, maybe you’d have a chance in Heaven, but we think that you need more time to grow.”

More time to grow? Had she not done so already? All of this was mere confirmation that all of her insecurities from her days in the choir were accurate; that she wasn’t as talented as everyone claimed.

“Your pitch is okay, at best, but you lack the edge we’re looking for. There’s no grit, no soul, and that’s what’s need for Heaven. We’d love it if you would learn to let go more.”

Each statement was like a jab to the heart, and though she did her best to be composed, she couldn’t help but feel as though she made a fool of herself, and that made her mad. Curse her mother for making her over-analytical, and curse her father for making her focus on the things that could be learned, instead of what could be felt. Turns out, in her eyes, at least, they tried turning her into a robot in more ways than one, and for that, she probably would never forgive them.

That said, though, she decided to suck up her frustrations, and move forward, but instead of focusing on singing, she decided to dabble in other branches of performance. Maybe she’d learn more if she hung up what she claimed to love in the past, and embraced something new?

2011.

Bass-heavy tunes flowed into her ears from a set of newly purchased headphones, and when she used to focus on how a singer would string their lines together to create pretty sounds, she now tossed that aside. At present, she solely focused on the passion the rapper exuded; admiring how they were able to express themselves in intensity; in fire. Never in her life had she been subject to a world of such power, and for once, she felt inspired. Back then, she failed to realize that she didn’t focus on singing for herself, no. She only did it because her parents wanted her to, so there was a disconnect between her, and music, whenever she opened her mouth to perform. Now, though, she was becoming drawn to a different method of performance—one that better suited her fierce personality.

So, after moving her focus over to rap, she found herself staying up all night to learn about rhythm, about flow, and about swagger; three things that were necessary to her success in the field. It wasn’t easy for her to adjust to, and it took her a long time before she was able to fully cover a song that was only rap, but she was dead-set on living and breathing hip-hop. Whether it was Western, or Eastern, she spent hours researching and studying; seeing what its origins were, its cultural importance at different periods of time, and it was then when a deep-rooted adoration for it was unlocked within her. Even though she lived in a completely different fashion from the genre’s founding fathers, she felt as though she could relate to them in a multitude of ways, and overall, she understood their anger.

She had a lot of it, too, after all.

After gaining a better understanding of it, she knows that it isn’t about staying perfectly in beat with the track; it’s about the movement, the message. Yes, being precise is important, but instead of focusing so hard on technicalities, she needs to use her emotions to fuel her performances. Unleashing that wasn’t going to be easy, but she was determined to try.

2013.

Manicured fingernails combed through the whorls of onyx-black tresses that traipsed down her back, high-heel clad feet confidently walking into the evaluation room she’d learned not to fear as much as she used to. She was once a meek girl who was never sure of how her performances would go, but now, especially after looking failure in the face once, and being able to trust in herself more, she donned a layer of confidence that wasn’t there before.

With a new transition into the world of rapping, she’s learned that she’s able to fully let go of whatever inhibitions and demons plagued her in the past; the sound of her mother’s voice no longer ringing in her ears as she now doesn’t focus much on singing. Instead, she uses the suppressed anger for the woman and man who raised her as ammunition. Sure, she’s still very much a novice in the eyes of the hip-hop world, but her presence has changed almost completely. So, as the music started, she took her position and began; her eyes narrowing as she delivered her verses; the nasally tone she adopted still adding a girlish charm to her stanzas. When she was finished, she waited for critiques—her new favorite part of each evaluation, believe it or not.

“You’re still having an issue with making sure your lyrics are pronounced properly, but this is better than last time. Your stage-presence has gotten better, as well.”

Nodding her head, she remained silent; learning from what they had to say instead of taking it to heart.

“It also seems that you’re not super comfortable performing choreography in heels yet, too, so maybe practice more with them next time? I don’t recall you ever wearing them while you rehearsed.”

Agreeing, she bowed and thanked them for their time—her work not yet done, but on the path of becoming more polished more and more everyday.

2015-2017.

Here she was: on-stage during her first ever goodbye stage, and even though television cameras spiraled around her like drones, she couldn’t help but feel painfully out-of-place. Having taken a chance by diving head first into the art of rap, she was stuck with a cute concept; one that would’ve been appropriate for her around the time she almost made her début. What’s more is that, after working so hard at her new passion, she was stuck mostly singing (and even talking) during Celeste’s first ever track. She had no honest idea why her life had taken this turn for her, but she couldn’t help but laugh in each recording session; every song they were given to work with driving her insane with how immature they sounded.

She, as well as the rest of her members, weren’t necessarily young girls anymore, and she found herself cringing more times than she could count every time they performed. She tried not to make it too obvious that she wasn’t having a great time, but it was extremely challenging.

In fact, a few of her sour facial expressions were caught on camera and it prompted some very low-scale attitude scandals, but overall, she did her best not to let her intensity show.

Throughout this time, though, she couldn’t help but think of how her parents were probably pleased with what she’s up to; their daughter back to rocking an innocent image all over again—one that she’s tried so hard to desperately run away from.

Time and time again, though, she wasn’t allowed to properly rap on title songs, and that made her extremely upset. Their current concept didn’t lend itself to the image that she longed to have in the industry, and being as though she was already well into her early-to-mid twenties, she feared that she would be stuck in this box forever.

Maybe she wasn’t meant to ever be fully pleased with her life?

2018.

Due to lackluster sales and little-to-no success in their market, 99 Entertainment had let the girls know that some changes were going to be made, and it left Yulhee feeling very uneasy. If this was their subtle way of letting them know that they would be disbanding, she would feel extremely betrayed; as though the last twelve years of her life was nothing more than a waste of time.

However, what she was met with was something that positively excited her: a change in concept.

While it might’ve seemed like a move out of desperation to some, she was extremely happy to know that they would begin moving into the realm of sex appeal and girl power. It’s known that most failing girl groups make this change in order to grab new attention, but this was an adjustment that she felt worked better in her favor, so why wouldn’t she embrace it with open arms? Her visuals better suited genres that were a little more risqué, anyhow, so why would she ever complain about being more of a central member in her group?

What this also meant, too, was that she was finally going to get a chance to rap more often, and hopefully now the public would see more of her charms; her gentle approach to flirting on variety shows in the past nowhere near as brazen as she was in real life. Hopefully now she would be able to feel comfortable in her own skin, and after the release of Heart Attack, and the comebacks following, she was becoming more well-received by the fanbase.

“I didn’t know that Jiyul-unnie could rap so well!” “Is it just me or is she glowing more after they switched concepts?”

This was the praise that she was used to, but instead of finding it artifical and obnoxious, she found it humbling. It was almost as if life was finally throwing her a treat after she spent so many years begging for a chance to shine.

2019.

Presently, Yulhee is enjoying the attention that she’s been given; both from the company, and from her fans. While she knows that she’s not perfect, and that she still has a long way to go before she’s able to prove herself worthy of the title of main rapper, she’s happy that she can now make actual progression in her field. Before, she was forced into the same box that she was placed into as a little girl: someone that was expected to be frail and obedient. Now, though, she’s finally allowed to be the woman that she��s always wanted to become.

One that doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. One that isn’t afraid to express her sexuality, and her feelings, freely. Hopefully she can be a role model to the women, and girls, of the world who are tired of being told what to do, and when to do it. Instead, she urges them to take a risk; to stand up for themselves; to raise their middle fingers in the air towards the people who’ve doubted them throughout their lives.

Even though she’s living through a high point in her life, she still deals with her fair share of flaws. She’s greedy, self-indulgent, and at times, a bit arrogant—her past attitude problems now elevated to a point where she’s called a ‘diva’ quite often. For now, though, she doesn’t really care about the rumors, and the ugly truths. She’s living as herself, and herself only; much like she’s always wanted to.

And that’s what’s really important to her.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON CHERRY BOMB!’S MAIN RAP LEE JUNHEE...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: leesoul CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 19 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 16 COMPANY: MSG SECONDARY SKILL: music production (r&b, soul)

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): wonder soul, soul-pd (from her skills as a video editor and background in music production) INSPIRATION: it was her brother who first introduced her to music. as she watched him pick up instrument after instrument, she found herself falling in love just like he did, following in his footsteps. she found a lot of inspiration from underground indie artists as well. SPECIAL TALENTS:

mimicking her members and other idols

extensive knowledge of contemporary music

being able to tell who someone is based on touch alone

NOTABLE FACTS:

is known for having a lot of male idol friends

graduated from yeungnam university with a degree in music composition

has shown open support for the LGBTQ community several times in the past

once stated in an interview that her ideal type is “someone who can love me for me” 

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

at the moment, she wants to focus on her own personal projects: expanding her youtube channel, making higher quality content that her viewers will enjoy, building her portfolio as a producer, experimenting with different sounds, and perhaps releasing a single or two on her personal (soon to be announced) soundcloud account. she’s done what msg wants for long enough. it’s about time she gets to do what she wants instead.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

in the end, she wants out. she’s dedicated years of her life to msg, yet they seem to have no intentions of fulfilling her wishes. she wants more opportunities than their giving her, more chances to showcase her talents not just as a member of cherry bomb! but as an individual as well. slowly but surely, she’s been putting distance between her and the company, venturing into other creative spheres such as filmmaking, directing, and self-producing. if msg won’t help her reach her goals, she’ll just have to do it herself.

IDOL IMAGE

she’s rushed into debut without a clear concept in mind, and it shows.

the rapper who can’t rap. the singer who doesn’t sing. the disappointment.

when leesoul is introduced to the world, she is plain. average. mediocre in every way, shape, and form. so they give her something she can work with. attach a pretty vision to her name.

—

SIDE A.

her role is simple enough: she’s the attention grabber, the stan attractor. stylists ensure her outfits are always the most eye-catching, the most visually intriguing because they know her stage presence alone isn’t enough to hold her up. bold prints, abstract patterns, and dramatic makeup distract from the areas in which she’s lacking, are what make her interesting.

( “but i can’t—” do this, she wants to say. i can’t put on the show you’re asking me to. i can’t pretend to be something i’m not.

she can’t.

she won’t.)

in the end, she isn’t given a choice. fake it till you make it, they tell her. so that’s exactly what she does. she wears the mask of false confidence with surprising grace, turns into the version of herself people want to see.

she’s a circus act, meant to be ogled at. with her, they can afford to push the boundaries of what’s expected ever so slightly. the name she builds for herself comes not from music but from the fantasy she’s created of a girl who is somehow larger than life.

people like that she’s weird. loud. quirky. the oddball of the group, known for her high-pitched laughs and godawful puns. her charm lies in the ability to entertain.

SIDE B.

as junhee grows, so too does leesoul.

with their fans being older now, they don’t care so much for theatrics as they do for someone they can connect with, relate to on some level.

maybe they’re finally starting to see that she has something to offer to the world just as she is, or perhaps they’ve come to terms with who she wants to be, but she’s allowed a little more freedom in recent years. they give her room to form her own identity, one that is unique and solely her own. she’s as open as she can be without overstepping her boundaries, and it shows. there’s an assuredness to the way she carries herself that wasn’t there before. the set of her jaw, the gait of her walk. it speaks of someone who feels good in their own body.

the insecurities don’t go away, but they aren’t as prominent as they once were.

the lines between who she is and who she’s perceived to be start to blur. junhee is leesoul is junhee, and maybe this is how it was meant to be all along.

IDOL HISTORY

it’s hard to imagine a time before.

before her father left. before her mother lost the will to live. before minjun traded his life for drugs. before junho gave up on his dream.

still, she tries.

—

TRACK 1: HER LAST.

he doesn’t leave right away. he can’t. the guilt keeps him trapped to a life he wants nothing to do with. he stays, long enough to see his wife bring two baby boys into the world. he’s a good father to when he wants to be.

it’s when junhee is born that he can no longer pretend to care, taking along with his luggage a lifetime’s worth of memories and unconditional love.

her mother’s voice is always void of emotion when she speaks of him. not cold, exactly. she doesn’t have the capacity for that whenever he’s concerned. instead, it’s as if all the life has left her, leaving an empty shell in its wake. there are no photos of him to be had, no signs that he had ever lived at all.

as far as junhee is concerned, her father does not exist.

TRACK 2: YOUTH.

growing up goes like this.

sometimes food is scarce. sometimes rent is paid a week late. sometimes their mother works two jobs, seven days a week to make ends meet. sometimes seoul feels more like a cage than a city. there are months where they can afford to indulge a little—a new shirt to wear to school or extra japchae for dinner one night—and there are months when they just barely scrape by. maybe it should scare her, knowing how low they fall on the socioeconomic ladder. and it does, to a certain extent. it makes her cautious, makes her grow up faster than she should.

it also makes her strong.

TRACK 3: FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.

she forgets how it happens. their mother is working late again and minjun is sleeping over at a friend’s, leaving junho to watch over her for the second night in a row, and she’s waiting. waiting for the click of the front door as junho slips out the apartment to go—somewhere. where he goes, she has no idea. all she knows is that he’s back before dawn, breathing a little easier than he did when he left.

she asks one night while feeling exceptionally brave to go with him.

and to her surprise, he lets her come along.

junhee is thirteen going on fourteen when she first finds herself transported to a world of neon lights and multicolored hair and 90s-inspired vaporwave. seoul’s underground scene is nothing like she thought it would be, but it’s learning her brother—quiet, soft-spoken, with a heart of gold—is in the center of it all that comes as the greatest shock.

it’s sneaking into open mic nights, falling in love with music and the way in which words come together to create such beautiful sound. it’s watching her brother rap on stage with the sort of confidence she can only hope to gain and suddenly imagining herself up there, taking control of a crowd, making heads spin. it’s thinking maybe, maybe (someday, hopefully one day).

it’s exposing herself to people from all walks of life, hearing stories of failure and success, and realizing that seoul doesn’t have to be a cage.

for some, it can be a realm of possibilities.

TRACK 4: EXISTENCE THEORY.

it’s been a week since their mother’s gotten out of bed for more than a few minutes at a time, and all she can think about is the card in her hands, given to her backstage after another one of her impromptu performances in hongdae.

(she’s a horrible daughter.) (she’s a horrible daughter, and she knows it.)

“i’m scared,” she whispers.

she’s sixteen, insecurities pouring out of her in waves as she stands in line, the girl with nothing to her name in a sea of rising talents.

junho is there. he squeezes her hand as the line moves, smile made of sunlight and stars. “it’s okay to be scared,” he tells her, sounding so sure of himself, and it’s times like these that make her forget there’s only two years separating them. “a little fear isn’t going to stop you.”

he’s right, of course.

but don’t tell him that.

TRACK 5: I REMEMBER YOU.

not many have a story like hers.

most come to seoul for the sky universities and shopping malls, for the chance at fame and promises of false dreams. they’re so blinded by high rises and pretty lights that they don’t notice the lost souls, the ones who’ve slipped through the cracks and ended up at the bottom, looking for ways now to claw themselves out.

this city has been the only home she’s ever known, and yet she feels more like a stranger than the ones who traveled here by train.

she clings to the ones who have gone through what she has and hides from the rest. timidness is mistaken for arrogance, forming a barrier around her that few choose to break. loneliness wraps around her like the cold of winter, seeps into her skin and settles there.

exhaustion becomes as familiar as breathing, a constant weight she’s forced to bear on her shoulders along with the rest of them. the practice room becomes her second home. she rehearses the same routine until her muscles scream, lungs on the verge of collapse. months of extreme diets and overexertion turn into little more than skin and bones.

good, she’s told. one step closer to perfection, she’s told.

through it all, she thinks of junho and the promises she’d made to him. she’d written them all down so there was no chance of her forgetting one.

keep going.

even if it hurts.

keep going.

TRACK 6: THE BEGINNING OF FOREVER.

debut comes, but the war doesn’t end there. criticism finds her from the moment leesoul enters the spotlight.

(”she doesn’t really do much, does she? i mean she just sorta stands there lol”) (“i was so excited for leesoul to debut but now i feel like it was a bit lacking”) (”isn’t she supposed to be the rapper? but she had like three lines and they weren’t even that good”)

junhee is being torn apart before she’s even the chance to truly begin.

where’s her strength now? she wonders.

her company is at a loss for what to do with her. nothing is working. they can’t seem to find an image that sticks.

two comebacks in, she considers it. giving up. going back to a broken home. to a mother she no longer recognizes, to a brother who fought to get her to this point, to the ghost of her father’s son (not her mother’s, she thinks, not since he went too). she thinks about the years that’ll have been wasted, everything leading to this moment, all of it for naught.

in the comfort of night, her fingers find imaginary guitar strings, hover over invisible piano keys, and she’s reminded of why she’s here.

the music. it’s always been about the music.

it will always be about the music.

TRACK 7: BUDDING ROSES.

things get better.

for a while, she does what she’s told. latches onto the image of safe and quirky that has been proven to sell well and develops a modest fanbase in the process. she sings and dances, not in the way she wants but enough to satisfy for now.

she stops expecting and starts settling. it hurts less when she does.

TRACK 8: EVERYTHING I AM.

there’s a slip of the tongue.

a commentary on the double standards placed upon females in an industry that exploits their bodies for profit. a passing remark about the treatment of idol trainees. posts about her less-than-stellar upbringing.

after several years in the making, she finally loses her momentum. suddenly, leesoul has become a source of conflict among the idol industry. some see her as a martyr, a symbol of the changing times. more often, though, she’s found to be her repulsive, rude, obnoxious. everything an idol isn’t and should never strive to be.

damage control is swift and to the point. she disappears from the public eye for a few months while the media buzz surrounding her fades. social media is off limits as is just about everything else. she’s scared for what’s to come, but there’s excitement there as well.

she no longer has a reason to hide.

TRACK 9: US.

junho calls her one night after a concert in osaka, full of heavy sighs and feigned joy for her sake. she misses him, always, but especially now. misses the sound of his voice when he sings from the heart, the soul in his hands as they dance across a piano.

when was the last time she heard him play? she can’t remember.

“how are you?” he asks.

the answer is can’t be expressed  in words. how does she tell him she’s never felt so free and so constricted at the same time? it took her this long to finally feel the slightest ease of comfort in her own skin, and now she’s being punished for it. she’s bigger than she’s ever been, but no one knows her for her music. she’s tired of waiting for her voice to be heard.

(this was supposed to be us, she thinks. we were supposed to reach the stars together.)

“junhee?”

she breathes in. exhales, slow.

“i’m getting there.”

it’s the closest truth she can give.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON TITANIUM’S MAIN RAP AH JINGYI...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: n/a CURRENT AGE: 24 DEBUT AGE: 21 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 15 COMPANY: Midas SECONDARY SKILL: Modeling

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME: Sleeping Beauty. Over the past few years, the fans would notice that Jingyi likes to sleep, it doesn’t matter where or who’s around, he’s going to get his beauty sleep. SPECIAL TALENT:

He’s able to play The Pipa, Jingyi started playing when he was 12 years old as a hobby.

Proud to say that he can moonwalk with and without shoes on.

Is able to flip his tongue upside down and can also make weird curves with it. 

NOTABLE FACTS:

Studies astrology for fun, he picked up on Chinese fortune telling as a way to entertain himself on his days off

Was able to help donate clothes to kids in the orphanage in China.

Writes poetry, has three books filled with his own poems that he hopes to share with the fans one day.

Was apart of a Kendo and fencing team in high school, continued to play until he came to Korea. 

Not a big fan of dying his hair but will make an exception for blond.

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

As of right now, Jingyi still wants to continue to work in fashion and get his name out into that industry, hopefully landing more opportunities in the future. His next big goal would get invited to a brand event before making his debut on the runway. 

LONG-TERM GOALS:

He still wants to focus on music but be well known as a model with endorsements on his side. Jingyi wants to model for a while, be big in fashion and hopefully make his own company surrounded by that. 

IDOL IMAGE

Some say he’s like a fox, sly and cunning with sharp eyes watching your every move. Doesn’t hide the fact that he’s confident, wanting to stay himself no matter what. Staying alert and intelligent, Jingyi mostly succeeds through the sheer force of his personality, its what he uses to get what he wants; thriving off the thrill of holding some kind of success in the palm of his hand. Largely misunderstood to be a shy, retreating individual, it’s his unique stature that defines his survival strategy when it comes to being a rising idol on a mission. Rely’s on his sharp mind and engaging personality to garner resources, using those resources to quickly improve himself and gain a better understanding of situations. Jingyi consequently spends a lot of time in his own head, giving the impression that he’s trying to outsmart his friends or just about anyone. He is often surprised to learn that his intellectual pursuits are intimidating.

Flamboyance is usually not Jingyi’s style, preferring to remain inconspicuous in choose subtlety and cunning over brute strength. The company thought it would be best that he stayed quiet, only allowing him to crack small jokes that were quite odd but funny enough if he timed everything correctly. Keeps a good physical shape and enjoy sports that challenge his mind, body, and soul. He’s typically successful in whatever he puts his mind to, but his competitiveness and ambition sometimes make others feel belittled. He would never deliberately take advantage of others, but their single-mindedness often blinds them to his feelings.

IDOL HISTORY

ah jingyi was born into a family struggling to maintain a steady income. when his mother was notified that she was, indeed, pregnant, she cried for hours, fumbling over apologies while her husband paced back and forth with fingers rubbing his temples. he could not blame his newlywed wife, for the incident was partially his fault. he should have been more careful. despite the struggles that would come with having the child, they accepted it as miracle hoping their child would bring good to the family.

for years, they believed that he would not. he was a gregarious child who adored to run around with his hands reaching for all. when his mother would walk outside to tend the garden, jingyi would slip through the door to let his bare feet hit the ground. running far, he ignored his name being yelled by the poor woman. what jingyi did not know is that he would be to blame for the later domestic abuse. due to his stunt of maturity, his mother would suffer the burden of a man’s hand against her cheek. she would cry for hours in her bedroom, and jingyi would crawl inside to comfort her. she shook under his touch, and he never knew why. he never knew it was because of his father. he never knew until she passed away.

his father pointed a finger, standing close to his jingyi’s physique, and his face was red with anger. “this is all your fault,” he yelled. it was jingyi’s fault. if he has been a better son, maybe his mother would still be here. jingyi ran that night. he ran, and he never came back home. he was thirteen, and his innocence no longer existed.

his mother’s side of the family worried for jingyi, worried for his safety and well-being. so, the family decided to take full custody of jingyi, with little to no fight from his father who suddenly turned his back on the world itself. the young boy felt lost, alone in the home that was supposed to be filled with love, but it was filled with the memories of his mother who seemed happier before she got married to a man with no self-control.

wanting to find something to distract himself with was an ideal idea when it came to jingyi, something that would keep him off the streets and safe from any prying hands. aside from doing taekwondo at a young age with his cousins, jingyi had suddenly become interested in music after he received flashbacks of his mother singing all the time and hearing many stories from his aunt about how she’d sing to jingyi even when he was in her womb. he couldn’t see himself as a true singer though, it just wasn’t his style so he moved over to rapping or hip hop. he was truly fond of urban and hip-hop music from the states and imputed that into his own songs whenever he had time to write them out. it was all for fun at one point, his aunt thinking it was a waste of time but jingyi grew to love it so much he had to do something.

it took a lot of convincing before his aunt allowed him to take lessons, explaining to him that it’s a waste of time and money but she gave in sooner than he expected. a fifteen year old, ruthless boy taking lessons to pursue something so stupid, seemed like a step down in some eyes. he went through the harsh reality with grueling practices that lasted long hours, even picking up on dancing to have some skills to fall back on. many times, he was faced with difficulties, harsh criticisms which slowly shaped the false persona he had created since middle school into something more solid and convincing. away went his gloomy behavior  ( as deemed by one of his instructors ) and out came a friendlier outer image, something that wouldn’t scare people away.

One of the teachers proposed getting him to try out for companies in the district of China if he truly wanted to get somewhere with his rapping. a hip new company that was looking for fresh new faces and growing talent. it all seemed too real, causing the teen to be a bit skeptical at first, but after visiting the company himself - he took it upon himself to sign up for an audition that was months away. companies in his hometown never lasted that long, he was too young to understand such a thing at the time. he wasn’t even confident in his abilities to audition for anything but his aunt was too invested that she gave him a little push with her hand. that was probably his biggest regret in life, the decision that set his future in stone.

his road towards fame was not easy, but he didn’t know what he was getting himself into. gaining a position as one of the first few trainees under offshore entertainment, jingyi was completely satisfied with where he was, feeling like he did something right for once in his life. he spent two years as a trainee, working so hard until his body broke down from exhaustion. he was hospitalized from dehydration for a couple of days before being released, suddenly hearing bad news about the company that was supposed to be his ticket to fame and fortune. the company wasn’t making money and had went under months before they announced a new boy group, a group jingyi was promised to be placed in.

yet another disappointment that crashed and burned in his life.

being dropped without giving a chance was another let down in his life. being turned down was a big kick in his stomach, causing him to feel a little discouraged for a few months and giving up on the dream he worked hard for. jingyi took a break, reflecting a little on life itself - only giving the idol life another try when he was more mature and ready to give it his all again. he had heard about an international audition that was being held by a well known company in Korea, a country that created the biggest groups in history. he just had one problem - he couldn’t speak the language, let alone rap in it. learning the language was the hardest part in jingyi’s life, it was relatively difficult to audition with only the basic understanding of the language that he learned when his cousin picked up the same language a year before him. he had to endure the struggles of learning from books and the internet, his aunt even grew impatient with this useless dream of his but she gave him one last chance. placing him in a tutoring sessions for the international students from all over the world that were suddenly interested in learning a foreign language. his lack of self-awareness for how things worked had made his life a bit hard, but with the constant threats from his aunt and the adrenaline rush from coffee he bought almost everyday - jingyi was able to learn within eight months.

he had the hard part packed down, he just needed to land himself a spot in the competition and gain the companies attention. he couldn’t even remember how many hours he had spent in trying to study other famous rappers until he could find his own style - something he could call him, never wanting to be another disappointing member of his family. even trying his hands at dancing again, wanting to be the most perfect artist he could possibly be at this point. he showed potential and it was enough for the company to pick him. this was something he’s been yearning for in all his seventeen years of living. he trained hard, giving up half of his young adult life to pursue a career that wasn’t always 100% trustworthy - if you’re thinking long term. all those late night practices he was able to squeeze in before curfew was worth it. he felt confident enough in his ability to take the attention from other’s with his constant flow of words as he had prepared for the day the company decided to debut another group. the waiting game had grew tiresome over the years, but he had faith in his own ability that his blessing would come soon.

being a trainee for seven years now had been a little bittersweet for jingyi, never wanting to give up. this was his dream, a dream he had to work hard to achieve, his calling would come soon and it did. It’s been a while since jingyi was placed in the groups watch list for new debuts, it was like the company had given up on him but the higher-ups still had a plan to use him just like he always wanted. he’s been through it before, being picked and dropped for someone else but not this time - this was his time to finally shine and give it his all. the boys were soon given strict training time before their official debut and he didn’t crack under the pressure, he couldn’t slip up or give the other’s a hard time when he was tired. titanium was the name, a group he was finally placed under that would give him some kind of satisfaction. he finally made it at the age of twenty-one, his dreams were coming true. He didn’t expect the group to explode like they did, with their experimental concepts, to the mysterious looks they were given over the years. Jingyi was growing as an artist, he still was till this day - making mistakes and learning from them as he went along. Five years had already passed when he first touched the stage, it was still so new to him, the feeling of performing and being out there for everyone to see him.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON OLYMPUS’S LEAD RAP, LEAD VOCAL NO JAEJOON...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Jay CURRENT AGE: 26 DEBUT AGE: 18 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 14 COMPANY: Midas Media SECONDARY SKILL: Acting

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): jj, jae, joon, nojaem (fans started calling him this after one of his groupmates said it to him during a vlive), 재앙/jae-ang, aka ‘disaster’ (fan-given) INSPIRATION: his primary inspirations are first generation groups such as h.o.t, g.o.d, and shinhwa. he also claims that being successful to provide support for his parents is a big motivator for him to try to rise to the top. SPECIAL TALENTS:

he can do backbends and backflips on command

he has extremely long legs, and can run the fastest out of his groupmates

he is great at impromptu acting and can cry on command

NOTABLE FACTS:

he was featured in diamant’s 'gee’ music video in 2009. it was never confirmed, but knets speculate that the arms in their 'genie’ music video also belonged to him

he has a white bichon frise named leo

he is still very good at playing the piano

his personal fans have unofficially created a fan club called “jaybaes.”

he received lots of criticism upon debut for his “lack of skills,” and was often called talentless, but recently has gained more popularity among his own stans and other fans alike after further honing his skills in all areas

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

more than anything, he is focusing on his career with olympus, because giving up with a few more years to go could only sabotage his chances for popularity in the future. he wishes to continue acting in historical dramas and make a better name (without olympus’ name included on the tag) for himself by being chosen as the face for reputable brands here and there.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

if he’s honest, he has no clue what he wants to do when it is time for his contract to expire. he will forever claim that he’ll, no-doubt, renew, but the truth is, he doesn’t know if he wants to. he is not happy with how he’s been marketed by midas, though he is thankful for the opportunity to make a foothold in the acting industry. whether or not he does renew, his main goal would probably be to turn into an actor who is known for lead roles in big cinema productions. later on, he’d like to live comfortably with a family of his own, out of the limelight.

IDOL IMAGE

jay on and off stage is, as expected from many others in the industry, very different. growing up, he had a very outgoing and hyperactive personality, and for the most part, it stayed with him into his adult life. however, upon entering his trainee years, he became more reserved, fearing that his real self would create reasons for other trainees or fans to dislike him. midas took note of that, and by the time he debuted with olympus, decided to craft an enigma out of him. for years, jay was told to act as the quiet, reserved, and responsible boy. he hardly talked, and as a result, new fans weren’t sure how to take him. some assumed he was arrogant and thought he was better than the rest of olympus, while others sympathized with him and saw him as a young and shy boy who was fresh in the entertainment industry. despite the robot created out of him, he still had a trait in him that screamed responsible, and internally dubbed himself the unofficial leader of olympus. in interviews, if the others got too rowdy, he seemed to always nudge them back into focus, even if it sometimes pissed them off.

on stage, he was charismatic, displayed sharp movements, and often offered actions such as hand/arm hearts or winks to the cameras — virtually the opposite of his off-stage counterpart. he was supposed to confuse fans in that way — make them question what it was that made him tick. where was the line between olympus’ jay and no jaejoon? sometimes not even jay himself had an answer. there was something thrilling about being on stage with all eyes on him, and in all honesty, when jay was on stage, he wasn’t acting. it was a thrill and challenge that only fueled him and his desire to be the best.

in some ways, he hated the off-stage persona midas had created out of him. while part of it was real for a while, it didn’t take long for him to become comfortable with his position in the industry — he just needed some time to get his feet wet. but his false image didn’t leave room for a dynamic personality change. every part of him wanted to crack jokes on camera, act like he actually wanted to be there, and not look like a shy child, but he couldn’t. eventually, though, after olympus proved their place in the world of entertainers, he slowly transitioned into rebellion. he began to act more like himself — short, witty remarks in interviews, talking a lot more in general, and being more public with the friends he’d made along the way. nobody has made an attempt to stop him, and he plans to ride the wave until somebody forces him off his board.

IDOL HISTORY

[ ɪ. ]

jay was the youngest born into his family. he has all older sisters, and they are all either in their fifties or close to it present day. it was a tough thing to transition into while he was growing up — his sisters were more like mothers to him, and he often envied his peers who had siblings closer to their own age. he did have two nieces who were a few years younger, though, and they were the closest things to sisters he ever had. in the midst of his studies he didn’t have much free time, but any free time he had was usually spent with his nieces. his parents threw him into their church choir from a young age, signed him up for weekly piano and violin lessons, and at one point, even enrolled him in an after school dance class that met twice a week. he didn’t really mind, though. he enjoyed being busy, even if it was easy for his mind to wander and if he was quick to be distracted. he still managed to excel — at least as much as an average child could. while he was surrounded by his classmates, the environment was too competitive to consider many of them “friends.” it was stressful — after only a few months of being in the dance class, he begged his parents to let him quit, and surprisingly, they did… but not without choosing something else to take up that slot. he never got a clear reason as to why his parents insisted he be involved in so many activities. his only guesses were that because his parents were on the older side, they didn’t want to deal with a hyper child, or they just didn’t want him to turn out to be someone who did nothing but play video games and change jobs like they were underwear.

[ ɪɪ. ]

jay always had a pretty good relationship with his parents, and despite his sometimes hyperactive personality, he was raised to be polite and respectful — it was easy, especially with the age of his parents and siblings. he remained part of the church choir all throughout elementary school, and to replace his dance class, his parents let him join an after school program that focused on singing. it was in that program that he discovered rap. after spending most of his childhood pining after artists of the late 1990s and early 2000s, namely shinhwa and h.o.t, he learned that he actually wasn’t horrible at it. he by no means was any match to the likes of big name artists, but he had a decent flow and his voice was becoming deep enough to not sound half bad. after about a year of consistently practicing rap, building his singing skills in the choir, and trying to juggle his elementary school work, it all proved to be a bit too much as middle school approached. it came to be time for his education to take priority in his life, and his parents recognized it, too.

after the his church choir’s last performance, the director passed around enrollment forms for those who wished to continue to the middle school group. when the man approached jay and his parents, his father simply shook his head.

“jay won’t be joining. we want him to focus on his education.”

“i understand. your son has a heck of a voice, so i can only hope he continues to use his gift even if he won’t be in the choir.”

[ ɪɪɪ. ]

january 3, 2005. monday. two days after jay’s thirteenth birthday. his after school group went out for dinner one day to celebrate a successful talent show. that show was jay’s first time winning first place, and while the group sat together on the outdoor patio of the restaurant, he couldn’t help the smile that practically melted into his face. that day, it seemed like it was impossible for that smile to falter even a mere centimeter, until a man approached their table while jay was eating his meal.

without a greeting, the man, clad in a business suit, dropped a two cards on the table in front of jay: one was a business card with the name 'midas media’ embossed on the back, and the other was a small informational flyer advertising closed auditions — invitation only.

“you’ve got quite the face and smile on you, kid. i’d like to invite you to audition for modeling. you strike me as a dancer, too.”

but the problem was, jay wasn’t a dancer at all. before he’d had the chance to tell the man that, he was already walking away.

that night, jay showed his parents the business card and flyer. they were shocked, but not entirely against the idea of him auditioning. they didn’t express this, but the two of them weren’t so sure that jay would be chosen, despite his good-enough singing and rapping — but he couldn’t dance. all those performers on television danced like they were born with the skill. and jay didn’t have much time to prepare for the auditions, because the date was set for exactly a month after jay received the flyer. still, had his heart set on trying, and his parents respected that as long as his education still came first.

every day after school for those few weeks, he practiced, deciding to perform the dance from his winning song from the talent show: candy by h.o.t. after spending hours in line waiting, he’d finally made it to the audition room — the judges all made a note about his visuals, stated that he’d make a fantastic model, but they were looking for trainees who could do a little more. when they’d asked him to dance for them, rather than letting him dance to his chosen song, he had to freestyle to a random beat. in the end, he wasn’t chosen to go to the final rounds because his dancing wasn’t up to par. they said he was more than welcome to try again later, during public auditions, but jay didn’t think their words were genuine. they probably said that to everyone.

within the next year, jay auditioned two more times, but during neither one of those auditions did he sign up for modeling — he auditioned with a focus in rapping and singing. during his second audition, in the summer, jay bombed. badly. despite the fact that he was auditioning for rapping and singing, he still had to dance, and he tripped. apparently midas wasn’t very forgiving, because he wasn’t called for a second round.

a few weeks after turning fourteen, he built up the courage to try one more time. his parents, inwardly, were not very hopeful, but they gave him all the outward support they could muster. they’d certainly noticed an improvement in jay in all three areas, but he wasn’t a prodigy. he was only average, and average didn’t make money.

to jay’s parents’ surprise, jay passed the audition, and they allowed him to begin his training with midas media. the process was grueling, physically and mentally exhausting — but jay never once gave up, even after all the times his parents let him know it was okay to quit. he wouldn’t be viewed as a failure if he came home. jay refused, though, because he promised himself he would be better. every time he was under evaluation, he seemed to be at the bottom of the list in dancing, and while his rapping and singing skills were better, his name was near the bottom of the list in those areas, too. but four years is a long time, and it seems even longer while under so much pressure — but jay managed to stay afloat. he was never the pick of the litter, he was never chosen to be center during practices, but in 2009 he was chosen to appear in a music video by a senior idol group called diamant. that gig kickstarted knets’ obsession over jay. is he a trainee? what’s his name? is he going to be in midas’ rumored new boy group?

jay couldn’t help but hear about the things said about him after the music video appearance, but he very much doubted he’d be chosen for the lineup of a new boy group. his skills just weren’t good enough.

[ ɪᴠ. ]

but in the end, jay’s assumptions were wrong. he’d been added to the lineup for a new boy group to be named olympus, and it created controversy across the board. unchosen trainees who scored higher during evaluations were angry at him, and one even picked a physical fight. rumors spread that he was only chosen for his looks and popularity after appearing in the music video.

even jay himself didn’t know if he could truthfully debunk the rumors surrounding his debut years. he never thought he was a bad rapper or singer, but he knew his dancing needed much more work to be acceptable on stage. he’d gone through such harsh training for four years, and even when knets thought he still wasn’t good enough after the groups debut, it was disheartening. it brought him down. still, he continued to practice at his hardest, but on camera, even though it was how he was supposed to act, he was afraid to show too much of his true self. the fear of being judged more lingered in his mind for years — but it turned out none of it mattered because his shy image conjured hate as well.

[ ᴠ. ]

the idol life was never what it appeared to be from the outside. popularity, fortune, and happiness? try again. it was more like scrutiny, jealousy, and deprivation. although on the surface jay enjoyed his career path, he couldn’t help but feel like he was given the short end of the bargain, and he was sure his groupmates felt the same. midas never did a good job at managing them from the beginning — or maybe the combination of over-managing and managing badly just created a fiery hell across the board. their unhappiness with midas quickly turned into unhappiness with each other, and well, it sort of stuck. the majority of the boys would head over heels deny any hardships among themselves for the sake of their image and popularity in most cases, but there were certainly many people who saw right through their lies. it was a bit of a known notion that olympus didn’t always run on the same wavelength. when jay looks at other younger, fresher idol groups and takes note of how effortlessly they get along, he can’t help but envy it a little, but he’s been in the game long enough to come to terms with the status quo. olympus has had crazy schedules since day one, and with that comes fights, whether they are little spats or major. jay often found himself to be the one who tried to stop the fights, but he wasn’t always successful. nobody can get along completely if they are stuck together for very extended periods of time. in that sense, olympus is truly a family — and everybody knows that family fights sometimes…or even all the time.

a few years after debut jay suffered a minor back injury during a performance. it took place on an outdoor stage on a rainy day, and he slipped and fell. the injury turned out to be more major than anybody initially thought, and required surgery, so jay had to take a short hiatus from his activities. thankfully for himself and for midas, he was able to recover quickly, but he was unable to participate in the group’s album or promotions for their 2013 track, destiny, due to lack of time for preparations. when he was back in full swing, while some of the other members of the group had began projects of their own, midas pushed jay into acting. his stans seem to question the decision often and fear that when it’s time for the members to renew contracts, jay will favor acting over olympus. jay has no idea what his decision will be, and he probably isn’t the only one who is struggling. they are all in a spot in their careers where they are stressing over what’s next. the “what ifs” are piling up, and the tension is rising to an all-time high.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON ATLAS’ MAIN DANCE, LEAD RAP HWANG MILO...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Ghoul CURRENT AGE: 24 DEBUT AGE: 19 TRAINEE SINCE: 17 COMPANY: KJH SECONDARY SKILL: Music production (hip-hop and r&b)

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): “our” poet, lost boy INSPIRATION: He was heavily inspired by Epik High and other lyrically focused Korean rap artists, as well as by authors such as Hemingway and F. Scott Fitzgerald for his own lyrical style.  SPECIAL TALENTS:

acrostic poems

breaking/losing things

inadvertently injuring himself

sleeping anywhere

NOTABLE FACTS:

Born and raised in Busan.

Both of his parents are professors at a university in Busan, in literary fields.

He published his first poem at 13 years old in a small anthology for up and coming young poets.

He began pursuing dance at 10 years old.

He only very barely finished high school due to truancy.

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

In the short term Milo is hoping to overcome his persistent creative block and successfully produce a mixtape or solo single and album of his own. After making such a dangerous bid for creative freedom he’s felt very buried underneath the pressure of producing successful music to follow up on it. 

LONG-TERM GOALS:

In the long term he’d like to launch his own label, something modest but well focused that gears towards young, up and coming artists looking to fuse genre. He’s not interested in producing the next big idol group, but would like to use whatever fame he manages to build up to give a voice to others who, like him, had not a venue for expression. He has a hope of branching into radio as well.  He would like to build, also,  a reputation for himself as a well rounded performer capable of various styles of performance. 

IDOL IMAGE

“ i just need a little more practice, “ has been his sheepish refrain from day one. any compliment, any criticism, all met with the same desire to persevere, to practice, to perfect. hwang milo is a diamond in the rough and he has been billed as such. so much promise, they say of him. his rapping is improving, his dance too, and his performance skills leave little to be desired. he’s can even carry a tune, they point out, and all milo can do is grin sheepishly, cheeks dimpling with the flash of white, pearly against stubbornly tanned skin. they had suggested, exactly once, that perhaps he might like to stay out of the sun a bit, wear a bit more sunscreen, lighten up the bb cream shade they use on him. his insistent denial had been swift and immediate. hwang milo is the gap between stage and self, with ghoul growling his modified poetry into the microphone with a raw intensity that startles, and hwang milo grinning unstoppably and always half embarrassed of attention placed on him. he’s made the image for himself accidentally, by virtue of the fact that on stage he really does feel like a different person. some version of himself crafted to create and perform, far different from the boy who holes himself up in his room with books, with a computer, with mixing equipment he’s still learning how to use. on stage milo is everything the public could want him to be, body rolls and hip thrusts and a slow growing smirk. he teeters on the edge of manic and brings it back to a graceful calm that startles. intensity, sexuality, it’s the usual branding for a dancer like him. for someone with the image of the monstrous on stage and the charming off. a warrior, a poet. sex, sin, and softness. they play this up more and more as he gets older, as fans get hungrier. despite himself he’s a natural leader. insightful, thoughtful, he levels answers in interviews that at first left the company a bit surprised. but there’s poetry in his veins, always has been. his mother and father put it there and now it creeps out accidentally, in the written word, in his raps, in his music, in his dance. he can vacillate between boyish good nature and intense melancholy on the flip of a switch, but his heart is in the right place. he does his best to keep things on even footing between the members, does his best to keep morale up. he’s a natural born peacemaker, which is a stressful role to take on in the middle of a bunch of wild and rowdy young men, but someone has to do it.

IDOL HISTORY

SETTING: busan, the seaside. the hwang family sits on a spread out picnic pad, the clever kind with a delicate gingham pattern and an insulated foil underside, weighted at the corners so that it won’t flutter away. hwang milo is a mop of curly hair and tanned skin, his mother has a book spread open on her lap, painted in colorful watercolor. “poems to read aloud,” is the title, and her delicate voice drips like honey over the unfamiliar words, while milo plays in the center of the mat. his father sits with a fond look on his face and a notebook at his side, they’re never all that far away. milo grows up like this, surrounded by words, loved by his parents, drenched in the decadence of literature. SETTING: busan national university, faculty offices. hwang milo is ten years old. he has a raging fever and shivers with cold sweats, laying on the couch in his mother’s office, wrapped in blankets. she ducks in between meetings and classes to check on him, because with a fever this high they can’t leave him unattended at home. it’s far from the first time he’s visited his mother’s workplace - his father’s, too - and it is sure not to be the last. even ill, he is surrounded by books, reading the famed titles off the bindings as he glances around the small room. eventually he pulls down a smaller book, one that seems like he could find it interesting. a moveable feast. ernest hemingway. he likes the way the name sounds. SETTING: busan, dance studio. milo loves the books that his parents surround him with, but he’s found another love, too.  in music and in rhythm, in the rolling throb of the bass and the thud and stutter of his heart in reaction. he breathes in notes and breathes out movement, transforms the maelstrom in his heat into expression. it’s not the way his parents choose to do it, with their pens and paper and word documents, but it’s expression nonetheless and surely that counts for something. he writes, too, poems mostly, fragments that tumble in fractures from his fingertips, scrawled messily into the corners of his notebooks. his mother likes that - that he creates, but doesn’t love that he’s not studying. budget your time wisely, she tells him, keep your head out of the clouds during school. but how does that happen, how does he manage not to do this when he’s been taught from day one how to write, how to express. how can he turn off the daydreams they put in his head? SETTING: busan, haeundae beach, performance. his dance crew is performing, just a small thing, a little exhibition on a thursday evening to try and draw in new recruits. but it’s the most exhilarating moment of his life. his heart is stammering in his chest and his skin is flushed with adrenaline. he can feel every moment of this, every note and every beat, each muscle as it strains and stretches, thrives on the expand contract expand contract of his lungs, ligaments. it’s the first time he, at fourteen, has ever performed in front of anyone before and the addiction is both intense and immediate. it cannot be ignored. he rides the high of it all the way home, seems to float through the streets, carried in dips and eddies on the breeze of this impossible high. SETTING: busan, apartment. when the time comes to prepare for his entrance exams, his parents sit him down. tell him to quit dancing, to focus on his studies. he can pick it back up after the test, in a year or so, but this is his future they’re talking about. he can’t keep living fantasies like this, he has to focus on something other than his little hobbies. the problem is it doesn’t feel like a hobby. he’s got a business card in his pocket that offers him a chance to train, move to seoul and join a company, get some real work done. they’d teach him how to make music, they tell him. they’re looking for a dancer, they say. and he’s got potential. he suits the lineup they have in mind. he could make something great. his parents are horrified to say the least. they came into the conversation asking him to leave it all behind, and here he is trying to make it into his career? it’s some kind of stupid childish nonsense, they tell him. he’s eighteen now, he should know better, what the fuck is he thinking. with two academics for parents, he’s going to throw away his natural talents, his prowess in school, all to become what - a dancing puppet? everything they tell you is lies, they tell him. you won’t get to do anything you actually want to do. that’s never how this industry works. you’ll be in debt up to your eyeballs and miss all your chances to establish a real career, a real life for yourself. you’ll squander your real talents, your intelligence. SETTING: seoul, goshiwon. milo hasn’t spoken to his parents in six months. not for lack of trying, but they’re not interested. he agrees to the offer from KJH, starts training. they find his interest in poetry and start him on rapping. it’s basically the same thing, they tell him, and he realizes soon it sort of is, grows to love the art form. grows to love dance even more, dabbles in singing here and there. it’s a little bit here and a little bit there, bit by bit until he finds himself enamored, well and truly. he lands a gig, dancing for olympus on one of their tours, and the idea of being out there on stage, of performing front and center like that? he can’t help but want it. SETTING: seoul, music show. and then they’re debuting. and he’ll be honest. this isn’t exactly what he had had in mind, with the chains and the scarves and the thoroughly try hard image. it doesn’t suit him, he wears it uncomfortably, but he’s doing his best. its just to get them out there, the company says. but it’s an image that sticks, he finds. and for awhile this is the story of his life, over exaggerated and a little bit uncomfortable, but they’re doing alright. and the music itself, that’s not so bad. still, more and more, day by day, he finds himself thinking of his mother’s words. of his parents. remembering that, yeah, maybe this isn’t what he’d wanted, not exactly. maybe it never would be. maybe he really had given up everything just to feed into someone else’s images of him. he doesn’t like the sound of that. SETTING: seoul, KJH conference room. the tension in the room is palpable. his blood is cold in his veins and he has his hands clasped on the table to keep them from shaking as the three of them lay out their demands. creative input, control. an image change, some semblance of dignity, of choice. he’s sure they’ll say no. he’s sure this is the end of the line, that he’s going to face down these men in their suits and briefcases, these investors with numbers and calculations and years of experience. he’s almost physically overwhelmed when they agree to the terms, take them up on it. the three of them, they’re too important to the team. and the team is on the edge of something big, they say. SETTING: seoul, present day. he can’t believe where he sits now, where they are. he can’t believe the music they’re making, the reaction its having, the  validation. his life is at its highest point, despite the stress. despite the burden that he has laid heavy on his own shoulders, the pressure of trying to create, to improve, to perfect. he just wishes his parents could see it.

[idolizerp]

LOADING INFORMATION ON ATLAS’ MAIN RAP SEO YOHAN...

IDOL DETAILS

STAGENAME: Han CURRENT AGE: 25 DEBUT AGE: 20 TRAINEE SINCE AGE: 17 COMPANY: KJH SECONDARY SKILL: Music production (hip-hop and r&b)

IDOL PROFILE

NICKNAME(S): seo pd, joyonghan (because he’s quiet), hanhobak (a play on his name and danhobak, because he’s stern), and atlas’ grandpa   INSPIRATION: listening to epik high when he was younger SPECIAL TALENTS: 

freestyle rapping

games like ttakji, gonggi, and jegichagi

NOTABLE FACTS:

prior to atlas’ debut, he released a few solo mixtape tracks that were moderately successful in the local underground scene

can play the piano, he’s self-taught ever since he started at 10 years old

he’s very handy, can assemble and fix a lot of random furniture and things

can actually cook decently well because he used to have to cook for his little sister a lot

IDOL GOALS

SHORT-TERM GOALS:

with his first solo release being a bit of a failure given the type of song and the time of year, he wants to make a run for another solo release that is a little more idol-friendly, but still remains true to him. in addition, he’s always wanted to be a radio DJ and after hosting a few as a special guest, he wants his own radio show now more than ever.

LONG-TERM GOALS:

while he loves performing on stage and doesn’t want to give it up for years to come, he knows he has only a limited amount of time for it. and so his ultimate goal for once the dust settles and he’s no longer an idol at the top of the world, he wants to continue working with music behind the scenes as a producer and lyricist.

IDOL IMAGE

in essence, han is the quiet(er) one of the group. the serious one. the lazy one. the grumpy, sarcastic one. the musical one. he is their go to when asked questions about their music, about their concepts. and if given the time, he will ramble on about it for as long as he wants. when they first debuted, the company told him to reel that back. that none of the fans give a damn, they just want to see his gummy smile and laugh at his quick quips at the other members. so he did, until he got tired of it, of everything, and asked for the thing he wanted most – creative control. to his pleasant surprise, they gave it to him. to them. and now that plenty of their songs are his in part, they stopped telling him to dial back on the music talk, finding that some fans actually find it endearing even if they don’t understand a word. finding, also, that it casts a better light on their music to the public.

and so that is the role han fills for atlas on shows, on the radio, in interviews, while his members tend to fill out more loud, interesting personalities that attract fans, that catch eyes easier. he is very much in the background when it comes to off-stage appearances, but it makes it all the more better when he does speak up with a quick remark and a smug smile on his face.

on stage, however, is a different story. the stage is where han shines. he uses that image to his advantage, plays the camera with heavy gazes and confidence in his every step, every line spit into the microphone. he may not be the center of the group, nor the best dancer, but he has the capability to make his presence be felt because he enjoys the stage and it shows.

off-camera, off-stage, yohan is more or less the same. he’s never been good at acting, really, so the company decided it best to largely base his image off his real one. of course, that’s not to say he’s exactly who he portrays on screen, because he’s not. his laziness is overplayed and does a disservice to how obsessive he is on his own time, spending every waking hour tweaking every little detail of a song for their next album, or standing in front of the practice room mirror with a shirt doused in sweat just to get one move right. and as such, his exhaustion is taken for quietness, overt grumpiness (but maybe that really is just what he’s become, pessimistic and irritable). his appearance as the serious one, the responsible one, is half illusion because it only applies to music, to his career. but otherwise? he is selfish, can tend towards reckless if his heart wins over his mind.

still, all in all, han is yohan and yohan is han. perhaps one is more like a caricature of his real self, more palatable, less blunt, more playful. but at the end of the day, han has never been the best at dichotomizing himself and it may be just a matter of time before that gets him into trouble.

IDOL HISTORY

seo far away

i. intro: a dreamy, faraway sounding instrumental

when yohan is conceived, there is a lot of fanfare in an old house settled near a river somewhere in rural daegu. his parents had spent the better half of the previous two years trying to conceive to no avail. so when he’s born, loud cries and barely-there black hair, it’s all they can do to smile and cradle their miracle baby in their arms.

for a child growing up in an old, worn down house, he’s spoiled. as much as he can be, anyway, with what little money they have. they dote on him, buy him any piece of candy he points at, and bring him ice cream from the convenience store nearby on their way home from work. it’s not much, and he doesn’t remember any of it now, but in that moment at one, two, three, four, five years old, he’s happy. they’re happy.

then they get another miracle.

when yohan’s six years old, he becomes a big brother. it’s on complete accident and lately his parents have been struggling to feed their small family of three, but they always did wish for a daughter. and so there is even more fanfare in the house by the river, more grins in the delivery room, and a baby girl named seo hana.

for a while, all seems well. they can’t dote on hana the same way, but their grandma sews her dresses and brings apples from their farm a little ways away, and: she has yohan.

yohan, who takes her along his adventures in and by the river when she’s just four. yohan, who climbs trees and scrapes his knees and tells her that it won’t hurt when he pulls a splinter out of her finger. yohan, who plays all the traditional games like ttakji and jegichagi and gonggi just to entertain her when they’re home alone and have nothing better to do. yohan, who, much later when they’re older, buses back to daegu just to punch a guy in the face (and knee him right between his legs for good measure) for making hana come all the way up to seoul crying to him.

but all good things must come to an end, and in yohan’s life the end comes painfully slow.

ii. first verse: i live because i can’t die

the end begins when yohan is only eleven.

at eleven, he’s spent the past year teaching himself how to play the piano because hana has taken a liking to the sound of it. always begging and pleading for yohan to play the three bear’s song whenever they visit their grandma up at the farm and they gather around the corner of the old hanok where a dusty old brown piano sits. at eleven, he can play the three bear’s song and a whole plethora of children’s songs that please his sister, but he can also play claire de lune and his own rendition of pop songs on the radio because he’s fallen in love with the piano keys and how they feel beneath his fingers, how they sound when he strikes them softly. at eleven, he’s fallen in love with music.

but also at eleven, the illusion of a happy family shatters. money has always been a problem, but it’s more apparent, now. more straining, now. his parents are never home, picking up extra shifts, extra jobs. they dump more responsibility on him than an eleven year old should have, task him with raising hana. it’s not that he minds care of her. it’s not having to cook dinner every night either, or making sure she brushes her teeth, or having to hand wash her clothes that bothers him. it’s that he’d grown up with so much attention that the sudden lack of it is jarring. it’s that they don’t show up to his school talent show where he plays a medley of his mom’s old favorite songs on piano. it’s that they don’t seem to notice (or if they do, care) that sometimes, yohan bikes hana up to their grandparents’ farm and they stay there all weekend.

he grows up quick in many ways when he’s eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

he takes care of hana, he takes care of the house, he takes care of the chores.

he takes care of everything but himself.

his grades start slipping and weekends at the farm turn to weekends in the city with his friends, roaming the streets, grabbing five-finger discounts, taking his first hit of a cigarette his friend stole from a hyung, getting his first taste of alcohol in the form of beer swiped from his friend’s dad. he gets into fights at school and bandages himself up purposefully haphazardly as if that might garner his parent’s attention.

(it doesn’t).

(his mom only sighs, and his dad is never home anyway, always off getting drunk every evening).

he turns to music instead, finds himself falling in love with hip-hop. finds himself writing his own rap verses in the margins of his notebooks during classes. finds himself picking up odd jobs from his neighbors and from the grandmas he’s gotten to know in the city to pocket as much under-the-table income he can come by. he saves it all in a piggy bank hidden under his bed until he’s fifteen and has saved enough that he can buy his first laptop, his first midi controller. he produces his first song the very night he gets the controller, it’s rough and terrible and it’s the last song he’s able to make on that set of equipment.

because the very next morning, his dad, smelling of soju, slams the door of yohan’s room wide open, seething the moment his eyes land on the laptop and yells. interrogates. accuses yohan of stealing his money, ‘and for what, such useless items? when we can barely pay the bills?’

the argument escalates and escalates until his dad’s words are etched into his heart (a disgrace, useless, a waste) and his laptop, his equipment are all shattered on the concrete floor just outside their tattered little home.

iii. pre-chorus: everyone else is running, why am i the only one here

he wants to leave, but he can’t.

he can’t leave hana behind.

not when their parents are practically absent and she’s only ten. so for one year he pretends music doesn’t exist outside of his headphones. just there for him to listen to, not for him to write.

but it’s hana who asks him to take her to their grandparent’s so he can write her a song on the piano. it’s hana who reminds him how much he loves music, how it’s everything he wants to do. and it’s hana who finds the kjh audition flyer he kept hidden in his drawer, meant to be a forgotten pipe dream, a ridiculous thought, and presents it to him. tugs his hand to pull him out of their run down home by the river in daegu and into the city, into an audition he’d been subconsciously been preparing for for years.

when they present him with an offer, he signs right away.

when he presents the same to his parents, they sign even quicker.

one less mouth to feed, one less nuisance around the house.

yohan tries not to think of that when he moves up to seoul, tries not to feel bad about leaving hana alone.  

iv. refrain: dream, though your beginnings may be humble, may the end be prosperous

the move to seoul is jarring.

miles away from all his friends and the city streets he knows by heart, the calming river, the isolated farm, he feels more alone in the most populated city of the country. so he throws himself into training. they all do, of course. but for the second half of his teenage life, it is almost all he knows. the company makes it clear that their first group will have a heavy focus on their dancing, and han is anything but a dancer. what takes other minutes takes him hours to learn, and he gets frustrated easy, but he never stops. he practices in the tiny dorm until others tell him to shut up. he sits outside the doors, the windows of dance classes provided at other dance studios that he can’t afford and tries to mimic them on his own time. he stays up at night with his stomach grumbling and his eyes heavy producing song after song after song to show the company that he has something to bring to the group, despite his weaknesses.

it never gets easy, but it becomes routine and seoul is no longer scary. no longer lonely. he finds friends, he finds love, he finds his passion in music like he’s never done before and with proper equipment and training at his disposal he prospers.

he busks at hongdae, he performs at café open mic nights, he throws together a soundcloud account and gives himself the stagename han. he posts his first mixtape at eighteen and the response is more than he expects. it’s nothing much in the grand scheme of things, but it gets passed around and praised on hiphopplaya, and when he requests to book performances, some organizers recognize his name, his music. it’s euphoric, getting on stage and hearing a few people sing along to his lyrics. his music. his work. it fuels him, drives him to release another mixtape the following year to the same amount of moderate success, drives him to train, train, train because if this is what it feels like to be on stage, to make everyone know your name, then so be it.

he’ll be an idol.

v. bridge: nothing is more miserable and lonely than not having something you want to do

and be an idol he does.

when atlas is solidified and he’s part of the lineup, he’s excited. when the company lets him keep han as his stagename, because it’ll bring in some of his fans (few of them as there may be), bring in some of his recognition, he’s happy.

but when he sees their debut concept, he’s --

well, he’s upset. but he’s an idol, so what can he do but go along with it?

the seeds of doubt have already been planted, though, and they only grow the more they prep. the choreography is hard, the styling feels gimmicky, and the music video does too. it feels like everything he never wanted to do, it feels like tarnishing what he’s done so far as han underground, and it just feels. miserable. he feels miserable.

useless, too, like his father always said. he feels useless. because nothing he suggests gets taken into account, waved off instead. because he’s just a prop, or at least that’s what he feels like and everything in him sinks.

they debut the day after he turns twenty to little fanfare but plenty of criticism, those who were fans of his mixtapes commenting he’s sold himself out, that they’re not looking forward any longer. he agrees.

but he’s an idol.

he performs on stage because that’s his job, but the euphoria isn’t there like it had been underground. replaced instead with some sinking feeling he doesn’t know how to define at twenty years old. doesn’t know how to get rid of except with anger, with alcohol (with everything he hated about his father. ironic).

it starts with just a shot or two of soju upon returning to the dorms, snuck into his room and hidden from their managers. then shots turn into bottles, and dorms turn into convenience store fronts. it’s there, after one particularly bad night a few months after their first comeback after debuting that he slips. gets caught, literally. on camera, video taken of him wasted and red, eyes angry and aggressive, voice slurred and rough while throwing out insults and half-baked threats to the guy recording.

it leaks the following day.

it’s followed up by other people speaking out too, people claiming to be staff that atlas has worked with sharing stories of yohan showing up to work hungover, calling him an asshole, unprofessional.

it’s a minor controversy in the grand scheme of things, spread around when atlas is still just a greek titan and not the name of a boy group who rose meteorically years later. able to be buried by the company because the video was blurry, dark, grainy, leaving room for plausible deniability, because the “staff members” posted anonymously with no concrete proof. because they had him visit orphanages and grandmas in the countryside and charities that needed volunteers off-camera and “accidentally” leaked photos of said actions to shift the narrative, ‘yes, han is quiet and can come off intense, but that’s because he doesn’t like to showboat! look, he does this all on his own time, see?’

and it works because it doesn’t follow him around anymore except for when antis try to bring it back up.

except, it does follow him around. personally, at least. it’s a wake up call. figuratively and literally, when hana calls him the night after it leaks. reminds him why he’s there. reminds him he’s better than their dad, even if he doesn’t believe that for a second. he tries, after that. after the company reams on him too, puts him on a tighter leash for the following weeks.

it’s hard, at first, to quit drinking. but he finds a support system that gets him through it, and instead of depending on alcohol, he becomes dependent on them.

(and it works -- because now, five years later, he hasn’t had a drink ever since. though only time will tell if that’ll stick for much longer).

vi. refrain: dream, you will fully bloom after all the hardships

sobriety and a support system doesn’t help how he feels about atlas’ direction, though.

because two years into their career and the public still refuses to respond well to their releases. two years, and the company still refuses to listen to his, and the other atlas members’, ideas. and so two years is how long it takes for han and the rest of atlas’ rap line to band together and threaten for what they’ve wanted the most, what han has always dreamed of: having more creative control with the group direction.

it’s a huge risk, he and the other boys know this. going behind the other half of the group’s backs, risking their contracts, their livelihoods, their chance in this industry because if they fail they know there’s no chance in hell anyone will take them in anymore. but it’s a risk they’re willing to take, and one that pays off massively, because to their surprise: they get what they want.

and the public loves it too.

suddenly, they’re thrust right into the spotlight.

suddenly, there’s more responsibility shoved onto his shoulders.

but yohan loves it, thrives in it. the stage feels better, now, the euphoric feeling he’s missed from all those years ago returning in full force. the music feels good, too, the lyrics. because they’re now actually his in part, songs he can proudly put his name on, songs he will gladly ramble on and on about on vlives and interviews.

there’s a crack in the atlas infrastructure, but yohan thinks it’s all been worth it. even if they are running a marathon now, and have been for three straight years. it’s not without consequences, of course, pressure and stress continuously building and building, weighing heavier with every new milestone reached, every comeback, expectation growing.

and so slowly but surely, the euphoria fades again, replaced with worry, with burden, with feelings of not being able to meet impossible expectations.

now, it’s only a matter of time before yohan cracks, before the gates he’s kept locked up for years break open and bring him spiraling back down.

because even atlas shrugged while holding the weight of the world.

vii. outro: dream, i will be there for your creation until the end of your life

the end is still unwritten.