#idc what he believes as long as it’s not forcing him back in a closet or making him veer conservative

[violet--vance]

josh I love you I’m in the trenches 4 you right now but please rephrase some of your faith professions if there’s really no red flags bc it’s giving mild cult-like behavior

[gjyyfhihug]

A couple years ago this time I made a decision that forever changed my life. I’ll never forget the morning after… waking up early decluttering in my closet all his belongings. All the memories. All the broken promises all onto that box. Walking out in tears telling myself horrible things. From being my own biggest disappointment to forcing myself to replay over and over the conversation he had with me the day prior at the park.

“Jessica we aren’t meant to be. I didn’t mean to hurt you I’m sorry. I’m just here for closure. It’s over my feelings changed. You have to forget and move on. I dont care anymore leave me alone. I don’t love you like before. Just so you don’t hear it from someone else I slept with my coworker. I’ve moved on… ”

I’ll never forget arriving to that house that seemed so forbidden. Pacing back and forth. Panicking. Feeling anxious and scarred. Feeling so heartbroken. Knowing this was really it.

“How could I allow to lose? It’s not fair. I can’t do this I love him. We aren’t perfect but I’ve never felt this way for anyone! I don’t know how I’ll survive this. I can’t let go I need him. He said we’d be together forever and always! He promised!!!!.”

I tried contacting him one last time that day. I thought he’d be home. Maybe just maybe he didn’t mean it all. But He wasn’t home. I guess when he texted me that I had the courage to play this song and walk up to the front door. I remember taking my heart pendant out and putting it right on top of the flower. A symbol of my forever and always. That was my way of releasing my sorrow. Leaving all the pain behind. Right on that box. Right in front of his door. That was so traumatic and a torturous good bye…. The walk back home wasn’t so pleasant either. Tears and tears for hours and days. The scar still lingers on my heart.

It still all gets to me if I’m being sincere. That’s not someone I like to talk about. I’m just kinda tired of crying you know? I’m not going to act like idc. He was very important to me. He was my first love. The first person I ever trusted. The first everything. It wasn’t easy and still isn’t to accept this new reality. I’m working on it and growing. Sometimes I look back and wish for a different outcome. Sometimes I go back to the places and remember how it all started and developed. I’ve been told to get over it I need to hate him and feel angry. I mean I do bc I’m still healing but I can’t really hate him or be angry towards him. I wasn’t prepared to let him go when I was forced to. So it’s pretty obvious my feelings of loving him stayed but I had to suppress them with time. I had to get used to a life without him. Pretend as if he was non existent. It sucks to know it ended the way it did. Only bc we went through a lot and I figured one way or another we’d still be involved in each other’s life’s. But that’s a naive little girl way of thinking. That’s a jessica that believes in hope and fixing everything. Sadly…. I had no choice but to destroy that version of me.

I guess now it all doesn’t matter. It’s been a long time. Idk if I could ever have a conversation with him. Idk if I could ever look at him. I see things differently now. I understand them differently. I don’t regret him or the experience like every typical relationship you take the good and bad and learn from it, right? I guess since I’m here doing this which I never intended to bc like I said I don’t talk about the past anymore for obvious reasons if he were to see this I only have this to say…..

I understand now what it means when you used to say love from afar. With that being said I’m genuinely sorry for your loss of your father. If I didn’t reply when you texted me that October it wasn’t bc I was ignoring you. It was bc you know your intentions weren’t pure. You know very well how I feel and we both know I’m the only one who’ll get hurt again. Also bc I’m not ready to let you in my world. Idk if I’ll ever be…. And lastly thanks. Thanks for the manipulation and mental abuse. Thanks for the disrespect and humiliation. Thanks for the pain and paranoia. Thanks for the depression and anxiety. Thanks for the smiles and the tears. Thanks for allowing me to lose myself completely with you and fall so deeply in love. Thanks for making me believe and then crushing my dreams. Thanks for all the beautiful and ugly memories you left me with. Thanks for choosing temporary over forever and breaking my heart and breaking my soul. Thanks for “showing me how my first bf/ relationship should be”

I’m at peace. It took a while. It took all of what you did to me to realize how fucking amazing I really am. Should go without saying but if I must, this is my closure. This is my way of telling you I’m sorry you’ll never see the best version of me that I’ve become. This is me loving me.

[benhardyisdaddy]

my little secret - part 1

MASTERLIST 

(hello i just wanna make one thing very clear: i do not i REPEAT i do NOT CONDONE CHEATING WHATSOEVER. FOR ANY REASON. IDC WHAT IT IS. ITS NOT CUTE OR ROMANTIC. ITS HORRIBLE. I ONLY WROTE THIS BECAUSE ITS ANGST AND BECAUSE SOMEONE SUBMITTED IT TO ME. I AM AGAINST CHEATING. just had to make that clear lol. i feel like this isn’t my best work, but ive had writers block rlly bad so IM SORRY OKAY i feel like its rlly rushed so i apologize dont h8 me. i switched up the plot just a bit also)

Word Count: 2,517

WARNING: age gap (23 and 70), smut, cheating, breeding kink 

“You never listen to me!” 

“I always listen to you! You just never make yourself clear!”

“Never make myself clear!? You just don’t care!” 

“You’re such a stubborn pain in my ass!”

“You’re always a pain in my ass, Ben! It’s always about you!” 

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, fuck off!” 

You and Ben had gotten into a huge dispute over god-knows-what. The argument goes from calm, moderate voices to ear deafening screams that you know your neighbors can hear. The two of you had been arguing more than ever lately, but it’s never gotten this bad. Ben’s never told you to fuck off before and you never thought he would. You freeze when the word’s slip from his mouth and the look on his face drops when he realizes what he’s just said. 

“I didn’t mean that.” he says fast. 

You feel your eyes sting from tears that threatened to spill and they finally do. Your chin’s trembling as you turn around and storm towards your bedroom. You hear Ben behind you as he quickly follows. 

“Baby, I didn’t mean that! I’m sorry, okay? I was just upset- What are you doing?” 

You had grabbed a duffel bag from the top of your closet and are shoving clothes inside of it. You zip it up quickly and grab your purse and keys. 

“I’m doing exactly what you told me to do. I’m fucking off.” 

Ben's eyes crinkle as he closes them out of frustration. He rakes a hand through his hair as he follows you towards your front door. 

“I didn’t mean that, y/n! Don’t go! Let’s just talk, babe. I’m sorry.” 

You turn around fast as you slide your phone in your pocket. Your eyebrows are knitted together as you stare at him with fire in your eyes. 

“You’re always sorry, Ben!” you say loudly. 

His face falls as he stares at you with cloudy eyes. 

“I’m going to my moms.” you say before slamming the door in his face. 

You don’t stop walking until you’re in your car and driving down the road. You can’t go to your moms. It’s two in the morning and she has to be at work at six. You couldn’t wake her up. You pull over on the side of the road and scream loudly as you punch the steering wheel. You were angry at everything and everyone, especially Ben. You slam your fists into the steering wheel a few more times and stop out of breath. You lean back against your seat and take in a deep breath. You need a drink and you know just the place to go to. 

***

You pull up to your favorite little hole-in-the-wall bar that’s open 24/7. It’s tiny, but packed. You’re best friend is the owner of the place so you know you can get a good seat in the front. You hurry out of your car and inside. Smoke fills the place as loud heavy metal blares everywhere. You make your way to the front and spot an open seat. You quickly fill it and spot your best friend Cassie. She walks up with a sad smile on her face as she realizes the look on yours. 

“Ben?” she asks. 

You just nod as she pours you a shot and slides it in front of you. You gulp it down fast as another is placed before you. 

“He told me to fuck off.” you tell her as you swallow the drink fast.

She pours you another as her face goes shocked. 

“What!?” 

“But, of course he didn’t mean it and he was sorry.” 

You drink it down as you hear someone yelling Cassie’s name. 

“Here,” she says getting you another drink. “Let me go deal with this and we’ll finish this conversation, okay?” 

She walks away and you’re left alone with your sorrows. You’re staring down at your now empty glass as someone speaks up. 

“Men are idiots sometimes.” 

You look over and spot an almost too familiar face. He has a drink in his hand with a smile on his face. He was older than you, much older actually, but man, was he good looking. You spin your chair to face him all the way. 

“Sometimes?” you ask, smirking. 

He laughs and slowly nods his head. 

“Oh, alright. All the time.” 

You laugh and look at him for a second longer before squinting your eyes and cocking your head. 

“Do I know you from somewhere?” you ask, suddenly feeling the drinks starting to kick in. 

The man laughs once more and shrugs his shoulders. 

“Possibly. I’m Roger.” he says as he holds out his hand for you to shake. 

Your face falls as your eyes go wide.

“Oh my god,” you whisper as you lean in to him. “I know you! I know you, I just don’t know where from! Hold on, don’t tell me...” 

You lean back and look at him up and down, trying to figure it out. Now your drinks were really kicking in. 

“You’re a musician.” you state. 

He nods his head as he gulped the rest of the dark liquid in his glass. 

“You’re a musician and your names Rog-” you pause when it finally clicks. “You’re the drummer from Queen!” you say a little too loudly as you slur.

Roger’s eyes go wide as he puts his finger to his mouth to shush you. You laugh and look around as you cover your mouth. 

“I knew I knew you from somewhere! My boyfriend loves your band!” 

“Same boyfriend that told you to fuck off?” he asks, leaning in closer for you to hear. 

You suddenly remember and frown. You nod your head and wave over another bartender. You order another shot. 

“Make it two.” says Roger, looking at you. “And they’re on me.” 

You smile to him and feel your face turning hot. 

“So, Mr. Famous Drummer,” you say, causing him to look down and laugh. “What’s your excuse for being here all alone? You clearly know mine.” 

“Needed some alone time for myself, I suppose. Never been to this place before, but apparently it attracts good people.” 

He smiles to you and for the first time in a long time, Ben wasn’t the one on your mind. Roger was. 

“And if I might add,” he says leaning in close to you. “You should try being with an actual man one day. Not a little boy.”

Your eyes drunkenly flutter as you slowly bring your hand to Roger’s knee and very slowly run it up his thigh. He tenses up at your touch, but his eyes are dark with lust. A slight smirk appears as he looks down at your hand for a moment before back up at you. 

“Maybe I will.” you purr. 

And before you know it, you and Roger are in the back of his car as his driver takes you across town. Your mouths are clashing as you breathe heavily, your mind foggy. You can’t keep your hands off of each other the whole night. 

***

RINGRING RINGRING 

Your head is pounding as the sound of your phone blares near your ear. You squeeze your eyes closed as you squirm around and groan. You flutter them open and squint due to the bright sun beaming through the room. You bring your hand up and rub your eyes, hoping to make the blurriness disappear. You’re in mid yawn when what happened last night hits you. Your eyes shoot open as you sit up fast. 

You’re in a hotel room with your clothes scattered everywhere all around you. You bring the bed sheet up and cover yourself as you look beside you. There next to you is Roger. He’s on his back and is starting to move around a bit. You should feel guilty. You should feel horrible for what you did, but you don’t. All you can do is smile as Roger’s eyes open and he looks over to you. He sheepishly grins as he rubs his eyes. 

“You’re still here.” he says as he yawns. 

Your face falls as he says that. You look away fast and jump up from the bed as you gather your clothes. 

“Was just leaving.” you spat as you slip your jeans on and then your top. 

Roger notices your change of tone and sits up fast. 

“Wait!” he says fast. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m just surprised you stayed. I don’t want you to go.” 

You turn around and he has the most sincere look on his face. You let out a breath you were holding and smile as you walk back over to him. 

“I’m sorry,” you whisper. “I’m just on edge right now.” 

Roger smirks as he grabs your arm and pulls you back onto the bed. You laugh as you lay on your back and look up at him. 

“Then let me help you with that.” he whispers as his hand trails over your stomach and slips under your pants. 

You bite your lip as your phone begins ringing again. You roll your eyes and grab it. Twenty two missed calls from Ben. You frown a bit, but turn it off completely. You look back to Roger and smile. 

“I could use all the help I can get.” you purr. 

***

You quietly slip your keys into your front door and open it gently. You walk inside and look around, not seeing any sign of Ben. You had left Roger’s hotel with a promise that the two of you would see each other again very soon. He’s staying in town for a while for a ‘top secret’ project he’s working on. He wasn’t allowed to tell you, but that’s okay. You like surprises. 

You close the door behind you and hear footsteps getting closer. Ben appears in front of you in the hallway. He freezes when he sees you. He slowly walks closer to you until he’s inches away. He cups your face with his hand and leans in to gently kiss you. 

“I really am sorry.” he whispers. 

You swallow hard and force yourself to smile back.

“I know.” you whisper back. 

Ben smiles widely and bites his bottom lip. 

“I have amazing news.” he says fast. 

You laugh at his wild expression as he takes a step back. 

“What is it?” 

“I got a role for a movie! I drive out to the location tomorrow for fitting and all that fun stuff!” 

He looks like a kid on Christmas morning. You couldn't help but celebrate with him. 

“Ben! That’s amazing! What movie is it?”  

“I can’t actually say anything to anyone, babe. They’re wanting it to be under the radar for a bit. But I promise that when I can, I’ll send you over the second I’m allowed to. Okay? I just can’t believe this is happening. This is huge!” he yells. 

You laugh and can’t help but bring him in for a kiss, but the whole time you’re kissing, all you can think about is Roger. 

*** 

4 Months Later

***

“Right there!” you squeal as Roger thrusts into you hard. 

You’re whining loudly as he kisses and sucks on your neck. 

“Roger!” you whine, feeling yourself starting to release. 

“I wanna cum in you.” whispers Roger in your ear. 

Him saying that makes you hit your high even faster. You squeeze your eyes closed and scream out as you grip his arm tightly. Your body convulses as pleasure fills every cell in your body. 

“Yes!” is all you can repeatedly shout. 

Roger lets out a low growl as he thrusts once more and pauses, his body jolting forward. You feel him release all inside of you and it makes you whine even louder. He jerks once more and he’s done. You both are breathing fast and hard as he rests his forehead on your shoulder. You smile to yourself as you close your eyes. 

“Amazing.” you whisper. 

Roger leans away and kisses you. 

“Like always.” 

He slips out and falls beside you utterly exhausted. 

“I have to leave in a second.” you whisper sadly. 

“No, stay with me.” 

You look over to him and smile. 

“I’m just gonna be right outside of town for a bit. You can always come see me. I’ll have my own room.” you tease. 

“I’ll take you up on that offer, love.” he mumbles. 

***

“I’m almost there. Where am I meeting you again?” 

“I told the driver where to go, don’t worry.” Ben teases. “Let’s see if you’ll recognize me.” 

“Recognize you? Why? What did they do to you?” you ask worried. 

He laughs in the phone and shakes his head. 

“Wait, I think I see you! We’re all outside!” he says fast. 

Suddenly the phone goes dead. You look up and out the window. A bunch of people are standing in front of a huge building. You’re beyond nervous as you pull up and the car stops. You jump out and make your way towards them. A man with long blonde hair is staring at you with a huge smile on his face. You squint your eyes as he walks even closer. 

“Ben!?” you call out. 

He nods his head and laughs as he wraps his arms around you and squeezes. You lean away and your eyes are wide as you gently touch the wig he’s wearing. 

“Wow.” you whisper. 

“Looks good, yeah?” he teases. “You know who I am?” he asks, backing up so you can see him fully.

“Um, someone from the 70’s?” you ask. 

“Alright, good! But who do you think it is?” 

You’re thinking for a moment as Ben looks behind you and smiles. 

“Ah, the man himself!” 

You turn around confused and your face falls. So does his. It’s Roger. 

“Roger, this is my girl, y/n. Y/n, this is the Roger Taylor.” 

The two of you stare at each other as your eyes are wide. You felt almost sick. You realize how this must look to Ben, so you snap out of it. You shake your head and bring your hand up to him. 

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Taylor.” you say fast. 

Roger shakes your hand and forces a smile. 

“Please, call me Roger.” 

You smile and look away as you take a step back towards Ben. 

“Rog, the reservations are all set for tonight.” 

You look to your left as a beautiful older blonde walks up and kisses Roger. He wraps an arm around her waist and looks to you. He looks embarrassed as he smiles. 

“Sarina, this is Ben’s girlfriend, y/n.” he says, almost gagging at the word girlfriend. “Y/n, this is my wife... Sarina.” 

“Your wife.” you say a little too bluntly, causing him to look at you with a worried expression. 

You smile widely and reach your hand out to her. 

“It’s so nice to meet you.” 

“You as well!” she says sweetly. “Will you be joining us for dinner?” she asks. 

You go to tell her no, but Roger speaks up. 

“Of course she will.” he says fast. 

Yeah, you think to yourself. Of course I will. 

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[rainy-days-comfort]

Abused by my first babysitter. When my mom found out and fired her to put me in daycare, she got a job at the daycare I went to. Distinct memories of her not letting me eat and her trying to convince my mom that she bruised me because I stole from a store. When I was 2.

Locked in a closet by my second babysitter's husband. Don't remember if it was a joke or if it was serious. Don't remember for how long. Just remember darkness and fear until he let me out. I remember going somewhere with them, and they put me in the back trunk space of the van with their kids all up in the seats, buckled and safe. I remember their two daughters holding me against the backyard tree and telling me that if I moved they'd hit me. I moved, they hit me. Told me if I could run around the swingset and back in 10 seconds they wouldn't hit me. I couldn't- they hit me. They made me swear or they would hit me, and then told their mom, who washed my mouth out with soap like this was A Christmas Story. But I always wanted to go and play with them, so nobody believed me. I thought that's how older kids played, and I just wanted to have friends. I remember being left outside on really hot days and not allowed to go inside because my babysitter was watching tv and I was too loud and distracting. To this day nobody believes me about that babysitter.

The neighbor's daughter ran me over with a barbie jeep on purpose once. Before my sister decided that she hated me, she chased her down the block to yell at her.

S was my friend. We were on again/off again best friends throughout elementary school. She bullied me relentlessly and mad everybody hate me because I smelled like pee all the time and was too fat to be cool. Every time I tried to stop being friends with her, our moms would call and decide that neither of us were innocent and that we had to stay friends. Every time I tried to retaliate or get away from her, I would get in trouble because I wasn't trying hard enough. She told everyone at school that I wet the bed. She told everyone at school that I was afraid of a preschool show. Neither of those were lies, but she told them what I'd confided in her. She was the first person to tell me to kill myself. She also introduced me to porn at her grandma's house. I was so uncomfortable and scared and not ready, or maybe already traumatized, that I locked myself in the bathroom. It was too late to ask to go home, so I hid in the room and cried until she went to bed.

My sister was supposed to be my friend. And she was, until I started showing symptoms of depression. I remember very clearly the day that she decided she hated me. All my life all I wanted to do was be like her, be cool enough to impress her. But I was just the annoying younger sibling who kept stealing her stuff. If I'd had the words to communicate why back then, I would have told her then that it was only because I loved her and I felt so far from the sister who was closest to my age, despite being 8 years older than me. I remember her banging on the bathroom door, telling me that I was the worst sister ever because I took one of her books. That she wished mom had stopped after having her. That was the first time I tried to kill myself. I couldn't deal with the thought of my biggest role model hating me so much. I sprayed my mom's favorite hairspray into the cap until there was liquid enough to drink, and I drank it. I didn't know what would happen, but I hoped that the chemicals would be enough to kill me. Turns out that I just got a little drunk and sticky and went back to bed after calling off from school. I have another vivid memory of when school got bad. When I wanted to die every day, plotted how to hurt myself while walking the halls... When I called my mom to pick me up. She couldn't get off work, so she sent my sister. I remember her looking at me and telling me to stop telling people when I want to hurt myself. That it was a burden on our mom and that she didn't deserve the pain that I was causing. When she planned her wedding she told me "Oh, I guess I have to invite you". At her bachelorette party she introduced me and our oldest sister as "This is my sister Amber, don't be mean to her or I'll beat you up. This is our youngest sister Megan, you can be mean to her, idc". On my sister's wedding day, I wasn't allowed to stay at the hotel with everyone else after the reception. I had to go to her house and watch her dogs. When she group called everyone with her ultrasound pictures, she left me out of it. I came into the room by chance, nobody told me. She told me that I'm the reason that she hates teenagers. To this day when she leaves she hugs everyone else goodbye but she just punches my arm.

My dad was supposed to love me. I remember him calling me fat and stupid every chance he got as a kid. He refused to lift me to put the star on top of the Christmas tree and made comments like "Well maybe if you stopped eating so many damn candy bars" to a 6 year old. "He was abusive to us," my sister's told me, "You got it easy because you were his kid. You were lucky.". I was lucky to be screamed at and hit in front of my friends. I was lucky to be forced to be berated and told to go away constantly. I was lucky to watch him beat the shit out of my dog and threaten me next. I was lucky to hear him scream at my mom. I was lucky. I was lucky. When my parents split I thought he'd want to see me more. He saw me once every three weeks. I vividly remember him telling me that he brought me food but I wasn't allowed to bring anything home for my mom because "She can starve to death for all I care". Once he got married how often we saw each other changed to once every month. He didn't even tell me that they were moving to Florida until they were pulling out of the driveway. He just left and didn't even say goodbye. He was supposed to bring me down to see him for my 21st birthday, but he didn't. He never sent me access the tickets, ignored my texts and calls about that, and ignored my texts and calls when my grandpa died. My grandpa, who had been my only father figure while he was out playing house with his new family. When confronted he said that I was "A grown ass woman" and didn't need him to hold my hand. I don't know why I expected anything more. I don't know why I hoped he would love me somehow.

I watched my grandpa die. Every day I watched him die. When we found out he had lung cancer and wouldn't be able to take care of my grandma anymore, I volunteered to quit my job and become their caregiver. My grandpa had always been my dad. He picked me up from school when things were rough and took me to get ice cream. He listened to my problems and offered advice and bad jokes to make me smile. He was always doing something, always trying to be helpful. He was the best man I ever knew, and I wanted to pay him back somehow. So I got certified to be a home health aide and I took care of him and my grandma. I took care of falls, accidents, long nights awake trying to convince him to go to the hospital because his oxygen level was dropping so much. He was stubborn. He was so sick, but he wanted to run church services anyway. He needed me to help with the audio because he knew nothing about it. So I was his caregiver, and his tech support. We spent hours working on church together. I hated it, but it was his passion so we did it together. I convinced him to go to the hospital in his last night home. I called 911 for the first time. I drove my grandma up to be with him. He called all of us up to the hospital so that he could say goodbye. I held his hand and sang his favorite hymn to him. I told him that heaven would be lucky to have him. I thanked him for putting the father in grandfather. I couldn't thank him enough for loving me and being what I never had. I still think about how I was the last to go in. How I joked "All these tears, you'd think someone's dying in here". I think about how every time we passed the funeral home he'd say "People are just dying to get in there, y'know", and that's the same funeral home we had his service at. I think about him hugging me when I was overwhelmed with caregiving and saying that he needed me. That was the only time I'd ever seen my grandpa cry. Losing him was the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I never let myself cry. I couldn't. I was the only one in the family who couldn't, because I wanted to stay strong for all of them. They needed a rock and I... Wanted to be that. Even still that pain sits with me. And listening to my aunt tell me the story of how she slit her wrists and sat in the bathtub, wondering why this had to happen. I was the confident. I was everyone's emotional dumping ground.

This... Isn't even half of what's on my mind. This is just the beginning.