#idk I did my best with the car and the script!!! pretty much watched videos of him drawing the stuff and said fuck it

[jensonsbuttons]

seb canvas wip but under the cut

ignore the smudge by the e that will be gone

[butcanijustnot]

Another Get to Know Me Tag

I’m procrastinating like a motherfucker right now because I’ve got ToTL and other fanfics to work on and three essays I’ve gotta write for school and my brain is just going ‘No! None of that! Something else!’ so I’m doing a tag challenge to get my head back in the game.  

I wasn’t tagged by anyone, I just felt like doing it.  I’ll tag @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69  because I thought you might like this but no pressure because it's a long one and IDK if you’d want to answer it all. 

1. What is your full name?

I don’t give my name out online, but my online name is Crystal. If I had to pick a last name for my online persona, I’d probably pick Kyle or Celestial. Both of them are equally stupid and ridiculous, but they're last names of some of my favorite OC’s throughout the years and I’d love to have either one.

2. What is your nickname?

Cry. My partner says its morbid but I think its cute. I also like Criss but for the love of god, please don't call me Crissy (or Crissie or however the hell you want to spell it) because it makes me feel like a five-year-old or a pet dog.  

3. What is your zodiac sign?  

Sagittarius. 

4. What is your favorite book series?

A Series Of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket. I could name every reason why I liked it in painful detail but I’m just going to go with ‘Lemony Snicket wrote them really well’

5. Do you believe in aliens or ghosts?

I believe in aliens and I don’t NOT believe in ghosts. I’m not one of those people who think that aliens walk amongst us or even that aliens have ever visited earth but there are too many planets and possible combination of planetary environments for us to believe we are alone in the universe. 

6. Who is your favorite author?

Either Tiu T or Lemony Snicket.

7. What is your favorite radio station?

Don't have one. I don’t listen to a lot of radio because it requires A) a radio or B) a car. I have neither. 

8. What is your favorite flavor of anything?

Strawberry. I freakin LOVE strawberry.

9. What word would you use often to describe something great or wonderful?

Valid. Beautiful. Awe-inspiring. Pure. Rad. I have a lot of positive words. 

10. What is your current favorite song?

The soundtrack to Spiderman: Into The Spiderverse. I thought I was over it by now. I was wrong.

11. What is your favorite word?

Omnipotence. 

12. What was the last song you listened to?

Castle On the Hill by Ed Sheran.

13. What TV show would you recommend for everybody to watch?

Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Digestible funny humor, excellent representation of characters throughout the cast. Kickass bisexual lady is the best character, don’t @ me. 

14. What is your favorite movie to watch when you’re feeling down?

The Lego Batman Movie or Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse. They’re good films that never fails to make me happy.  

“Don’t tell me how to parent my kid I just met!”

‘Play dumb.’ “Who’s Moralis?” ‘Not that dumb!’

15. Do you play video games?

Assassins Creed Origins. It’s beautiful, The main characters great and the story is wonderful. I always come back to it whenever I leave. I must have completed it three times over by now. 

16. What is your biggest fear?

Confrontation. Deep water. Spiders. Heights. Meeting new people. Making phone calls. I have many fears.

17. What is your best quality, in your opinion?

I’m a very good listener and loyal to a fault. I’m quiet and I love doing housework (dishes and vacuuming and all that good shit) so I’m a great roommate.

18. What is your worst quality, in your opinion?

I’m terrified of conflict and never want to argue with people. I’m a chronic pushover. I’ve lost count of the number of times that I’ve told my partner “I don’t want to be an inconvenience.”

19. Do you like cats or dogs better?

Dogs. I love both animals, but dogs like me better so I like them better.

20. What is your favorite season?

Autumn. Autumn in Australia is absolutely beautiful and the mildest of all the Australian seasons.

21. Are you in a relationship?

Yep. I gots myself a lil lady! I’m in a potentially polygamous, currently monogamous, asexual-bisexual lesbian relationship. Come June, we will have been together for three years!!! Yay us!!!

22. What is something you miss from your childhood?

Nothing. My childhood was entirely forgettable.

23. Who is your best friend?

My Partner, if that counts. She’s amazing and I love and trust her with my life. 

24. What is your eye color?

Hazel, leaning on the brown side.

25. What is your hair color?

The top part is brunette, my natural hair colour, and the bottom half is a reddy-orange-almost-blond colour. I’ll probs redye it to be a better shade of red. I want a more Natasha Romanoff sort of colour. 

26. Who is someone you love?

Other than my family and partner, not really anyone. Telling someone that I love them is incredibly personal for me so I don’t do it very often. @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69 comes pretty fucking close though.

27. Who is someone you trust?

Either @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69 or my one friend who reads my fanfics for me.  they are both pretty cool people who I feel comfortable enough to share my writing with, which is a big deal for me. 

28. Who is someone you think about often?

My glorious partner. 

29. Are you currently excited about/for something?

Avengers: Endgame. I mean, I’m terrified but I’m excited. 

30. What is your biggest obsession?

Marvel. Marvel comic. Marvel movies. Don’t care, just make it Marvel. 

31. What was your favorite TV show as a child?

Avengers: Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. It was good honest fun and got me into Marvel at a really young age. My favourite characters were Black Panther and vision, and to this day I’m not sure why. 

32. Who of the opposite gender can you tell anything to, if anyone?

My fanfic reading friend I mentioned earlier. 

33. Are you superstitious?

Yeah, kinda. I don’t go out of my way but I also don’t walk under ladders on principle.

34. Do you have any unusual phobias?

I have a lot of fears and phobias but the most unusual one is dipsophobia. I have a fear of being drunk and not in control of my own actions. I don’t really have a fear of drinking itself but the being drunk is absolutely heartstopping terrifying for me. 

35. Do you prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it?

I like being behind the camera, writing the scripts for videos and movies that the media and drama students at my school make. Its fun watching your stories come to life around you.

36. What is your favorite hobby?

Writing stories. 

37. What was the last book you read?

Othello but William Shakespeare. It was earlier today for school. 

38. What was the last movie you watched?

Doctor Strange. 

39. What musical instruments do you play, if any?

None. I used to play the violin, guitar, and piano but I stopped. 

40. What is your favorite animal?

The snow leopard. 

41. What are your top 5 favorite Tumblr blogs that you follow?

Only got one that I can think of off the top of my head and its @idontgiveaflyinggrayson69

42. What superpower do you wish you had?

The ability to change into any animal at will. 

43. When and where do you feel most at peace?

Not sure. I’m kinda always an anxious fuck. 

44. What makes you smile?

Seeing a message from a friend for no reason. It warms my heart. 

45. What sports do you play, if any?

I’m a kickboxer. 

46. What is your favorite drink?

ICED TEA IS THE GOOOOOOD SHIT

47. When was the last time you wrote a hand-written letter or note to somebody?

For my partners last birthday I wrote her a book with each page having a thing I loved about her on it. That was about a month ago. 

48. Are you afraid of heights?

Yes but not of flying in planes. It’s strange!

49. What is your biggest pet peeve?

People explaining things to me like I’m an idiot or treating me like a five-year-old. This especially happens when I tell people about my cognitive issues and they start assuming I need assistance with every stupid thing. No, If I need support, I will ASK for it. Your not my knight in shining armor, you’re just an annoying prick. 

50. Have you ever been to a concert?

I wish but no. I’ve been to a couple of musicals though. 

51. Are you vegan/vegetarian?

Nope.

52. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I wanted to make drone and tech but I fucking suck at making stuff so I went the way of English instead.

53. What fictional world would you like to live in?

The MCU. I died in the snap according to that one website but I still wanna be there. 

54. What is something you worry about?

The people that I love being annoyed by me constantly being around them and needing so much emotional support and wanting me to leave them alone. 

55. Are you scared of the dark?

Not particularly. 

56. Do you like to sing?

I love singing. Shame I fucking suck at it.

57. Have you ever skipped school?

Yes and No. I’ve skipped classes in school, but never a whole day’s worth of school other than for doctor’s or dentists appointments. 

58. What is your favorite place on the planet?

Don’t have one. Haven’t been in enough places to truly have a favorite.

59. Where would you like to live?

I’d love to go live in Europe for a while but permanently I’m fine living in Australia. We don’t have much gun violence and the cost of living is pretty low so I’m happy. 

60. Do you have any pets?

Yes. I have a dog named Jack, a Border Collie- Australian Cattle Dog cross. 

61. Are you more of an early bird or a night owl?

Night owl 100%. I work so much better at night.

62. Do you like sunrises or sunsets better?

Sunsets. 

63. Do you know how to drive?

Nope. Never learned. Never had the money. Never had the time.

64. Do you prefer earbuds or headphones?

Headphones. They won’t fall off if you’re running. 

65. Have you ever had braces?

No. I need them though. My teeth are awful.

66. What is your favorite genre of music?

Probably movie scores and soundtracks. 

67. Who is your hero?

Anyone who fights for someone else's rights is a hero to me. 

68. Do you read comic books?

YES.

69. What makes you the most angry?

All sorts of little things. Being demeaned is probably my biggest one. I don’t like being looked down upon. 

70. Do you prefer to read on an electronic device or with a real book?

Electronic device. It helps with my attention issues. 

71. What is your favorite subject in school?

English Lit. I would say Accounting but technically I’m not in the class. I just chill out in there during my free. It's awesome. 

72. Do you have any siblings?

Yes. I have a half-brother that I’ve never met and a step-sister I can’t get rid of. 

73. What was the last thing you bought?

A bunch of candy and drinks.

74. How tall are you?

Somewhere between 5′3 and 5′4. Not sure exactly because I haven’t measured myself in a while but it's about that. 

75. Can you cook?

Not to save my life. 

76. What are three things that you love?

My writing

My family, friends, partner and pets. 

Generally chilling out and listening to music.

77. What are three things that you hate?

Being demeaned and told I’m not good enough. 

Sexist/racist/homophobic people

78. Do you have more female friends or more male friends?

I mostly have male friends as I’ve had bad experiences with female friends in the past. That being said, I have had two female friends in the past couple of years. One worked out and one really, REALLY didn’t. However, my partners’ a woman and I love her to bits. 

79. What is your sexual orientation?

I’m about as Bisexual as they come. 

80. Where do you currently live?

Australia!

81. Who was the last person you texted?

I have a Snpachat group with my friend and his boyfriend and me and my girlfriend, which is called the “HA, GAAAAAAY” group chat. My last message was on that.

82. When was the last time you cried?

This morning. In the car. While thinking about my future. 

83. Who is your favorite YouTuber?

Danny Gonzalas.

84. Do you like to take selfies?

Not really, by myself I hate it, but with my friends, yeah. 

85. What is your favorite app?

Social media app is either Snapchat or Tumblr. 

86. What is your relationship with your parent(s) like?

Varies greatly depending on the day. Some days It’s amazing and other days it's awful. 

87. What is your favorite foreign accent?

French and Spanish. 

88. What is a place that you’ve never been to, but you want to visit?

Rome, Italy or Paris, France.

89. What is your favorite number?

8 or 13. 

90. Can you juggle?

No. I’m not coordinated enough. My friends can though. 

91. Are you religious?

I mean I’m baptized Anglican and I go to a Catholic school but personally, I practice no religion and lean towards Agnosticism.

92. Do you find outer space of the deep ocean to be more interesting?

Space. The ocean is terrifying and I hate it. 

93. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil?

HAHAHAHA LOL NO

94. Are you allergic to anything?

Strawberries (but I eat them anyway), dust, cut grass, and other assorted minor things. 

95. Can you curl your tongue?

Si. 

96. Can you wiggle your ears?

No. 

97. How often do you admit that you were wrong about something?

I'm stubborn as hell but when I’m wrong, I’m wrong (*cough* Puffins *cough*) and I’ll admit it. I’ll argue but I’ll admit it.

98. Do you prefer the forest or the beach?

My aesthetic is the forest but not an Australian forest because there are way too many spiders. 

99. What is your favorite piece of advice that anyone has ever given you?

If you’re not going to remember it in 5 years, It’s not worth stressing about.

100. Are you a good liar?

Sometimes. 

101. What is your Hogwarts House?

Ravenclaw. 

102. Do you talk to yourself?

Oh, of course, all the time. I’m the only one who understands my crazy ideas and characters. 

103. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?

I’m very introverted. 

104. Do you keep a journal/diary?

Nope. 

105. Do you believe in second chances?

For lesser offenses, sure, but for stuff like Rape, Abuse, Murder, and genocide, No. They made there bed and now they sleep in it. 

106. If you found a wallet full of money on the ground, what would you do?

I’ve done that before, twice. The first time I opened it and saw that there was a student ID for a local school, so I handed it into my school (It was closer) and they called that school and returned it to the kid. The second time I opened it and saw a teacher ID for MY school and recognized the guy as my old DnT teacher, so I called the school and got him to call me. He arranged to have it picked up and I gave it back. Both times I didn’t think about taking anything from it because it just seemed wrong. 

107. Do you believe that people are capable of change?

I believe people can make mistakes and change for the better, but I also think they have to prove it. Actions really do speak louder than words. I also think its reasonable that if you’ve wronged someone, they have the right to reject your company/ friendship even if you’ve changed. You broke their trust once and its reasonable for them to question whether to trust you again. 

108. Are you ticklish?

Extremely.

109. Have you ever been on a plane?

Yes, quite a lot actually. My father lives in England so I’ve done Australia to England trip about 9 times. That’s a twenty-four-hour trip so its daunting but seeing him is worth it. 

110. Do you have any piercings?

No. I had my ears pierced but I forgot to put earrings in after kickboxing one day and they closed over. I haven’t bothered to get them re-pierced since. 

111. What fictional character do you wish was real?

Steve Rogers. I want him to fight Donald Trump. 

112. Do you have any tattoos?

Nope. Always been scared that it will hurt too much. My step-sisters got a bunch and my mother’s got one and they all tell me conflicting stories about how painful it is. Plus, If I got a tattoo, I’d want it to be something memorable and special to me and as of right now I haven’t found anything that is that special for me. 

113. What is the best decision that you’ve made in your life so far?

Leaving an abusive relationship. 

114. Do you believe in karma?

I do but its more of a loose definition of Karma. I believe that if you do good things, good things will happen to you and vise versa. I know it’s not always true, sometimes awful things happen to good people and sometimes the worst of humanity get high honors and great experiences.   

115. Do you wear glasses or contacts?

Yeah. I’m severely short-sighted so I need to wear glasses every day. I’ve thought about wearing contact lenses, but don’t like the idea of voluntarily sticking stuff in my own eyes. 

116. Do you want children?

Yes and no. I’m open to the idea of having children but I don’t like the idea of actually giving birth. I’d like to adopt or foster children later in life when I settle down and have stability.

117. Who is the smartest person you know?

There’s this kid who when to high school with me who got a 98.6 ATAR, which was the highest of my grade that year. He was super smart, hacked things for fun and was the kinda kid that wrote assignments the day before and still got A’s. It was ridiculous. 

118. What is your most embarrassing memory?

Nothing comes to mind presently. I’ll have to get back to you guys on that one. 

119. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?

Yes, quite a lot actually. I have two modes. Sleep is for the weak and I could sleep for a week.

120. What color are most of your clothes?

Dark blue or black with some sort of superhero logo on the front. Blue jeans.

121. Do you like adventures?

Not particularly. The comfort zone is aptly named and I see no real reason to do anything stupid or dangerous just for the sake of it. I’ll explore new places but I’m not going bungee jumping or deep-sea diving.

122. Have you ever been on TV?

Yes. I was on a news in a segment covering the steampunk festival, middle of last year. I looked like a wreck because I’d been standing in the Australian sun for hours but it was so much fun doing the interview.

123. How old are you?

18.

124. What is your favorite quote?

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours. If it doesn’t, then it never was.

125. Do you prefer sweet or savory foods?

Sweet foods. Desserts and sweets are a lifeline of mine. 

[dearmrsawyer]

i was gonna do this last night but i was wiped so before i forget, NIALL

the whole night was just perfect tbh like no complaints, 10/10 from him from us from everyone involved. 

i had a fantastic view. i was quite close to the stage on the side so i had a great view and it was close enough to really feel the energy. sometimes energy doesn’t travel to the upper stands because of the crowd. people are happy to sit down etc, and no offence but i wanna be on the feet for the whole show ok? i want everyone around me on their feet too. it makes it more immersive, and i was super happy with where i ended up.

i’ve avoided watching any videos of So Long since he started touring bc i wanted to hear it for the first time live and i loved it!! i thought it was going to be quite soft bc he played the piano but it went hard??? i’m v impressed. i think i’m ok with it being left off the album but i’m glad he added it to his tour so we could hear it.

there was a fan project during Paper Houses to create the Irish flag out of everyone’s lights, i’ve seen this from previous shows in the tour. it looked AMAZING tho! It was a really solid wall of colour and you could see the moment Niall noticed too, he was super sweet and he looked really happy.

during Flicker he asked for everyone to put their phones down as he’s been doing and honest to god i think every single person did? the arena got SO dark, it was sooooooo cool. there wasn’t a single phone light anywhere. i know he’s an old man for railing against phones and i’m all for ppl having their phones so that i can watch the videos they post LOL but i’m glad he tried to go for that moment and also that it paid off so well. it was a very obedient crowd, surprisingly. normally crowds just... aren’t. 

the Fool’s Gold singalong was also lovely, i was keen to see whether we’d sound decent or not. it’s entertaining either way gfjkdl but it sounded amazing! and Niall was vvv happy. he was getting everything he wanted from us LOL.

DMD went OFF. I’ve heard bits and pieces of his cover but not watched any proper recordings so that was largely fresh for me too. the whole encore of DMD/Slow Hands/Mirrors was pretty spectacular. it was great to end with such solid energy since the show lifts and dips so much with his other songs. 

he was extremely smiley for the whole show. he just seemed to be having the time of his life up there, which was so special to see. he said it was one of the top 5 gigs of the tour so far which made me v happy, not just bc it was my show but bc he obv loves Australia and i’m glad we could give that to him. i’ve never been a big fan of guitar solos just bc.. idk i find them boring lol but watching Niall’s instrumental bits and pieces was great! he’s just having the best time and its awesome to watch him have it. 

he was very rambly and cute and said at one point that he was chatting a lot to try and make the show last as long as possible lol, but i really enjoy his brand of chat tbh, its very i’m-making-this-up-as-i-go-along. even though he’s obviously got talking points he wants to hit he doesn’t get to them via a script, he just sort of talks his way around and towards them. its cute! he’s cute! hopefully someone got video of him impersonating an Australian saying ‘hello?’

finishing on Mirrors was a surprise but strangely great. he wanted us to go hard (which we did), asking us to jump during the chorus and everything! and it paid off as a finishing song imo. when i was listening to it in the car this morning i got that callback feeling in my chest and i’m gonna have that forever now and i’m glad for it :’) he took ages to leave the stage afterwards too. lots of waving and throwing pics out into the audience. he led us in the aussie aussie aussie, oi oi oi chant and he took a photo with the Australian flag as well.

oh also as we were all leaving the arena they were playing a 1d medley over the speakers gfdlgksdl everyone was singing as we left and it was kinda of the perfect uniting ending to the night. 

[deli-counter]

do all 155 questions you reblogged

you are a good person

1: Full name Delaney Quinn _____

2: Age 19 

3: 3 Fears Failure, elevators, my college 

4: 3 things I love biscuits, broad city, carpeted garages 

5: 4 turns on men sighing, intelligence, deep, low voices, people who take action immediately in bad situations 

6: 4 turns off arrogance/narcism, men who talk about cars a lot, flip flops, really strong perfumes and colognes 

7: My best friend Matthew!!!!

8: Sexual orientation Straight

9: My best first date Every single first date I have ever had has been utter shit in every way and I could explain but there’s no time nor drive to do this 

10: How tall am I 5′4″ - 5′5″ maybe?

11: What do I miss Bahn mi......i am paleo now and it sux but I do love complaining about it and seeming important for doing paleo 

12: What time were I born Like 12:15pm

13: Favourite color green!

14: Do I have a crush like 100 but none are realistic, accessible, or serious 

15: Favourite quote “From my rotting body, flowers shall grow and I am in them and that is eternity.” - Edvard Munch 

16: Favourite place honestly i love my bathroom i love pooping and workin on my best self 

17: Favourite food gnocchi

18: Do I use sarcasm yeah i think everyone does 

19: What am I listening to right now broad city dialogue 

20: First thing I notice in new person how they greet you/tone i guess

21: Shoe size 6 1/2 - 7

22: Eye color brown 

23: Hair color dark brown but the dye’s faded into just muddy brown with some red how interesting

24: Favourite style of clothing vintage 

25: Ever done a prank call? yeah 

27: Meaning behind my URL i do theatre and i’m pretentious 

28: Favourite movie The Help 

29: Favourite song ??? stupid ass question idk 

30: Favourite band ??? stupid ass question idk 

31: How I feel right now ??? stupid ass question idk 

32: Someone I love My sister!

33: My current relationship status Single 

34: My relationship with my parents really great tbh

35: Favourite holiday Halloween 

36: Tattoos and piercing i have none 

37: Tattoos and piercing i want i would like to get my ears pierced 

38: The reason I joined Tumblr to complain to my friend Jenna 

40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? No

41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? No

42: When did I last hold hands? Yikes who knows 

43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 45 min?

44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? yep

45: Where am I right now? my room 

46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? i’m taking care of someone else and i do not like drinking

47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? depends 

48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? when i’m not at college yeah

49: Am I excited for anything? i’m in spring awakening and we start rehearsals on saturday!!

50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? yes my sweet sweet matthew 

51: How often do I wear a fake smile? as dramatic as this question is, so am I, and a lot  

52: When was the last time I hugged someone? today I hugged my beautiful and perfect sister 

53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? that’s okay it was for a scene 

54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? oh yeah 

55: What is something I disliked about today? this was the worst day in a while so a lot 

56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? dave malloy 

57: What do I think about most? anxiety dude and currently what caused my ptsd 

58: What’s my strangest talent? ?? idk i do a great Viola Dais in The Help impression as risky and bad as that sounds 

59: Do I have any strange phobias? sure but mostly just elevators 

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? in front 

61: What was the last lie I told? great question

62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? neither 

63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes and yes 

64: Do I believe in magic? I believe in the power of God so sure that counts

65: Do I believe in luck? nah 

66: What’s the weather like right now? it’s like 67 rn 

67: What was the last book I’ve read? I ready mostly scripts now so idk 

68: Do I like the smell of gasoline? no 

69: Do I have any nicknames? Squeaky, Del, Delami, Lane, Joanne, Jew, etc. 

70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? I had like a kidney stone that sucked. Idk about injury. A chunk of my nose is missing due to skin strep I had as a child. 

71: Do I spend money or save it? Both

72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue? If I help it up there yeah 

73: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? I have an old Lady Be Good postcard near me with some pink on it, and Sorcerer’s Stone is beside me and there’s some pink on that cover 

74: Favourite animal? Koala I think 

75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? Sleepin maybe or playing Sims Freeplay 

76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is? None he’s got one name like Beyonce 

77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? The Private and Intimate Life of the House from Great Comet 

78: How can you win my heart? Genuinely respect me 

79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? “Rip it up”

80: What is my favorite word? I like cynosure a lot. Someone called me that once and it was always very special to me. 

81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr rossgellerfanclub 5 times 

82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? does anyone wanna pay for my college 

83: Do I have any relatives in jail? no

84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? shapeshifting 

86: What is my current desktop picture? a pixelated ocean and sky it’s very cute 

88: Bought condoms? no

89: Gotten pregnant? no 

90: Failed a class? maybe? to be seen 

91: Kissed a boy? yes

92: Kissed a girl? yes for a scene at school 

93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

94: Had job? define job 

95: Left the house without my wallet? yes

96: Bullied someone on the internet? no

97: Had sex in public? no

98: Played on a sports team? no

99: Smoked weed? no

100: Did drugs? no

101: Smoked cigarettes? no

102: Drank alcohol? a sip once or twice and it’s bad man i hate it 

103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? paleo bitch!!!!

104: Been overweight? ya

105: Been underweight? no

106: Been to a wedding? yes several 

107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? yes easily 

108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? yes easily 

109: Been outside my home country? yes

110: Gotten my heart broken? no 

111: Been to a professional sports game? yes

112: Broken a bone? no

113: Cut myself? yes

114: Been to prom? yes

115: Been in airplane? yes

116: Fly by helicopter? no

117: What concerts have I been to? american idol but the season with carrie underwood 

118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? no

119: Learned another language? like partial sure

120: Wore make up? yes

123: Dyed my hair? yes

124: Voted in a presidential election? yes

125: Rode in an ambulance? yes

126: Had a surgery? no

127: Met someone famous? yes! a few but i don’t feel like listing

128: Stalked someone on a social network? we all have

129: Peed outside? no

130: Been fishing? no

131: Helped with charity? yes

132: Been rejected by a crush? yes

133: Broken a mirror? no

134: What do I want for birthday? cash and a nice dinner and maybe a kiss!!

135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? 2! i would like a boy and a girl. Names like Ezra and Porter and stuff idk 

136: Was I named after anyone? Elaine from Seinfeld, cause her nickname was Laney 

137: Do I like my handwriting? it’s alright yeah 

138: What was my favourite toy as a child? i loved barbies man and I had a lovely babydoll 

139: Favourite Tv Show? 30 Rock 

140: Where do I want to live when older? NYC then Chicago then somewhere weird like Vermont and then Germany 

141: Play any musical instrument? i used to play flute and a lil piano but now like nothing. trying to work a vocal looper tho 

142: One of my scars, how did I get it? cutting myself

143: Favourite pizza toping? caramelized onion and basil 

144: Am I afraid of the dark? yeah a bit 

145: Am I afraid of heights? yeah

146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? i made a friend online when I was like 12 and did not tell my parents lol 

147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes of course

148: What I’m really bad at dancing 

149: What my greatest achievements are surviving ptsd is pretty fkn cool 

150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me not discussing that here 

151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery pay off college, pay off my parents debt, donate to charity, buy myself some luxury apartments and a dog, some amazing food, get some good bras, see a ton of shows on broadway!!!!!

152: What do I like about myself persistence and humor 

153: My closest Tumblr friend jenna we don’t talk much anymore but I’ll always love that b 

154: Something I fantasize about being a greek goddess or in the center of a victorian love triangle quite honestly 

155: Any question you’d like? ------ N/A

THANKIE!!!!!!!

[rockpapertheodore]

My brain’s been weird today, please take this word dump about why i’m a mess of a human being

I’ve written out a bunch of personal posts on tumblr and facebook today only to delete them because I don’t 

like

idk dude I always feel like when I start talking or getting excited about something that I’m intruding or bothering people with my unnecessary baloney even though it’s like

I just think of all the times when people have told me to shut up, or actively ignored me, and it fucking kills me. Like i know there are more people in my life that have encouraged and even enjoyed me talking at and around them, but it’s the few that were malicious that fuck me up, dude.

Like, 2014 was a really shitty year for me. If someone asks how I managed to fall into alcoholism so hard, I can point at two things. A) Genetics. I’ve seen my families and I’ve been to our gatherings. One half is the fun-loving, beer-drinking, moonshine-brewing redneck sort who are there for a good time, and that time is all the time (at least, that’s how it seems like to me). The other half are middle- to upper-middle class people who are overly-obsessed with pettiness and family politics, and most of them seem desperate to drink just so they can tolerate each other. The other reason is B) I spent a majority of 2014 in the presence of a man who was bombastic and ambitious, with massive, far-reaching goals and a vision that was incredible in scope.

and he treated me like absolute dog shit.

I was degraded. Constantly. Harshly. My ideas were stupid or nonsensical. He insulted my dad’s parenting ability because I wasn’t confident or didn’t know how to change my oil or my tires. I was to blame for things going wrong. I was lazy and unmotivated and stupid.

I literally dropped everything for this man to help him work on his short films, school projects, and, ultimately, the feature length film that we spent over a month shooting -- one full week at the beginning of the month of nonstop filming, and then broken up shoots over the next 6 weeks because everyone in the cast and crew had to return to work or school. I watched several people show up on the first day of filming only to ditch the second day because of how abrasive he was, and, at the time, I sympathized with him, because they just didn’t understand and were hindering him and the movie. I listened to him rant about how unmotivated these people were, how simple and content they were with mediocrity, despite one of them being a professional make-up artist and fashionista of the sort who travels across the country to work for models and makeup companies, and the other just being a college kid who was super passionate about music and sound mixing. I stopped hanging out with friends, playing video games,  and pretty much doing anything independently, really. When I went to a movie, it was with him. We’d spend entire nights in the corner of an IHOP or the truck stop editing and working on projects. I spent hours upon hours listening raptly as he told me all about filmmaking and his opinions on subjects and things he learned.

If he weren’t straight, you’d think we’d been dating. I was infatuated with this man and his ideas. There were nights where he’d call me down to his car to verbally berate me, and I didn’t know if I just wanted him to kiss me, fuck me, or just finally beat the shit out of me just so he’d stop screaming at me. I can take physical pain --  I mean, shit, I like physical pain. It’s visceral and real. I grew up doing every sport I could get my grubby little hands on and I spent a lot of time climbing on shit, falling, flipping. My hands used to be one massive callous from gymnastics, parkour, larping (electrical tape grips can do a number on you after a few hours). Physical pain I could handle just fine, and it’s something I understand.

I couldn’t take the emotional pain. I was a fucking failure at every turn with this man. I went up to a pack and a half of smokes a day. I started drinking more and more beer, and eventually just started buying liquor because it was cheaper and could get me even more drunk. The few times I got to go out with my friends to the bar earned me a full inbox of texts from him about how I was wasting my time and money and how stupid I was to drink at a bar. I once owed him about $900 after my truck had some issues and I’d blown a tire, and after we’d agreed on how much I’d pay him back per paycheck (which, keep in mind, were terms that he set for me and left me with about $50 after every check), I’d gone out with my friends to the cowboy bar that one of them was obsessed with, my phone died, and when I got home and charged it, there were 3 voicemails and my inbox was full of texts of him screaming about how if I had the money waste at the bar, that I was effectively wasting his money because I could have given him the fifty dollars he’d left me with. Never mind that he was allowed to make excuses as to why he had to delay paying me back again and again because he spent the money on his projects, by god it was his money that I owed him that we’re talking about. I literally showed him my bank statements and check stubs showing him that the only money I had was the fifty he’d let me keep. I had to defend myself and my actions constantly. 

He said right to my face that we weren’t equals, making it very clear that he was miles above me. He told me I was lazy and stupid, and condescendingly told me that it was okay if i was content with being a loser. There was no way I could understand his ambitions.

It was after he told me that we weren’t equals and I was beneath him that I realized that the whole situation wasn’t right. I spent more time with him than I did at home or work combined. I opened myself up to him. I gave up sleep and spent hours with him in his car as he talked about his problems and his life. I talked my dad into helping us build some equipment. I betrayed my dad’s trust for him to help make this movie by taking my truck before I’d gotten insurance back on it, which seems like a minor issue but my dad had helped me buy the truck, and had talked his friend into fixing the carburetor for cheap. My dad had done nothing but help me and the only thing I needed to do to get my truck was put insurance on it, and I betrayed that trust because I was putting his needs above my dad’s very simple request. It still messes me up so bad that I can barely talk to my dad anymore. I didn’t very much before then, but that’s just because it’s never been easy with my general mental illness and disposition to remember to call people. Now it’s difficult for me to be around him because I still feel hideously guilty about the whole situation.

It absolutely threw me for a loop that after all I’d done for him, not because of any ulterior motives, not because I wanted that easy meal ticket to success that he was so guaranteed to bring me, but because he was my friend and I wanted to help him because he not only needed it, but it was fun, that he’d treat me like I was nothing. Tell me in so many words that I wasn’t worth the stress that I caused him because of my negligence and ignorance.

And it was fun. By God, it was fun. I loved so much being on set, shooting the films, reading the scripts and working with the actors and the crew and the camera and everything. I loved it. I loved the late nights shooting and the long days driving between locations. I loved being in front of the camera, behind the camera, on the computer and recording devices watching and listening to what we’d recorded that day. I loved it so much, and it was honestly the best thing that had ever happened to me up to that point. It was absolutely, unabashedly, unequivocally incredible.

And now I have this painful aversion to it. Revulsion. I’m subconsciously terrified and passively apathetic to the whole process.

He poisoned it for me, God damn it. 

He’s poisoned me.

I’m sorry for word vomiting so much, it’s just some stuff that’s really been haunting my mind and I can’t seem to resolve it. My nightmares involve him coming over, and everything is just fine and he’s better and I’ve forgiven him. I wake up in a cold sweat those nights, my heart racing, one hard thought away from crying.

In two weeks, I’ll be seven months sober, and as time passes without alcohol to suppress my emotions, I’ve been able to more clearly think about them and process them, and I just needed to put some of these thoughts into words.

I still can’t see his name without suppressing a shudder, or talk about him without feeling nauseous and my anxiety spiking. I check and double check the white pages with every unfamiliar number that rings my phone in case it’s him. I can’t go to IHOP anymore without having a panic attack. I can’t go to my favorite coffee shop anymore without having a massive breakdown, because I’m so afraid that he’ll be there or he’ll walk through the door. 

I’m so afraid that I’m broken and I can’t be fixed.

I know it’s not true, but the terror is there, and, in the back of my mind, he’s there, too, and I’m so afraid that he’ll never leave.